4Q2 Four Queens: Fully Committed
By Steven Dawson
First Performance Jan 25th 2007
Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre
Melbourne
Matt Osborn Kyle, Sharon 4
Justin Hosking Tom, Michael, Sharon 3
Adrian Corbett Ben, Sharon 1, Martin, Taylor, Margaret
Nathan Butler Paul, Sharon 2, Beryl, Trevor.
A QUICK PHYSICAL RECAP OF THE PREVIOUS SHOW PROVIDED BY VOICE-OVER.
VOICE OVER
Previously on 4 queens…Paul, Ben, Michael & Kyle book a trip to the gorgeous tropical gay resort Tortoise Beach. Sadly Kyle has just been dumped by his latest boyfriend. To get him over his broken heart they decided to go ahead with their holiday anyway. After a terrible flight north they arrive in the middle of a tropical downpour only to find their gay resort has had a change of management and clientele. The resort is now over run by bogans, an all-slag netball team, and a couple of geriatric American perverts with their oversexed mentally retarded daughter. Meanwhile Kyle is still upset. The boys decided to make the most it at the resort, especially considering no refunds policy [THEY SCREAM] At the resort Kyle meets Tom, a sexually confused young man on holiday with his wife….though they’re having issues. Ben, Paul and Michael continue to get hammered in the hotel bar and abuse the straights. The all-slag netball team, the Sharons, make much romance with a visiting football team from Brisbane. In another part of the resort Paul & Michael are also making friends in the spa tub. While Sharon 4 is having fun at the nightclub…Meanwhile Kyle is still upset…until he and Tom find they have something in common. Though Tom and his wife are still having issues. The boys get word of a gay dance party in the nearby rainforest but unfortunately get lost in the middle of a storm and almost turn on each other. Finally making their way back to the resort Kyle meets up with less sexually confused Tom again who has now ditched his wife and after a momentary panic attack romance soon blossoms. Ben, Paul & Michael head home leaving Kyle and Tom to their own devices. 12 months later our story continues…Got that!
THE FOUR ACTORS THEN FACE THE FRONT. TOM IS ADJUSTING KYLE’S PRETEND BOW TIE.
TOM
You okay?
KYLE
Yep. Couldn’t be happier.
TOM
You look really good. I could eat you.
KYLE
When we have more time you can bite my arse..
TOM
For starters. And with sex there’s always time.
KYLE
You want to keep people waiting?
TOM
Yep.
KYLE
Normally I would say okay but…
PAUL
He’s doing what?
BEN
Getting married.
PAUL
You’re fucking kidding me.
BEN
Nope. ‘Fraid not honey child.
PAUL
Don’t be flippant. This is serious.
BEN
I’m not being flippant. I’m off my face. You think I would be this rational without medication? I’ve been smacked off my tits since they told me two days ago.
PAUL
But they can’t get married, can they? They’re men. Although I use that term in it’s broadest sense.
BEN
It’s not a real marriage.
PAUL
You’re telling me.
BEN
I mean, it is but it’s not.
PAUL
Use small words dear. You won’t confuse yourself.
BEN
I mean, it’s not recognised here.
PAUL
Then how?
BEN
You may not have noticed it because it’s not about you and you‘re so in touch with the rest of the world but Kyle’s English.
PAUL
I knew there was a better reason to hate her. What’s being English got to do with anything?
BEN
The English can have a civil partnership recognised by the British government. But not by the Australian government because…
THEY LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE.
BOTH
John Howard is a cunt!
PAUL
But straight boy is Australian, isn’t he?
BEN
Besides deodorant, nothing gets past you. As long as one of them is from England then they can do it.
PAUL
It’s obscene.
BEN
And you know you better stop calling him straight.
PAUL
Well, he is straight. He was married to a woman once, wasn’t he?
BEN
That’s ancient history. And also why no one asked for you as a referee. He’s been with Kyle for almost a year. Since that god-awful Queensland trip.
PAUL
But how do we know that?
BEN
What are you talking about?
PAUL
Well we hardly ever see them out together. It could be a visa thing. It’s just their word against ours.
BEN
Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
PAUL
Okay. We need a plan.
BEN
A plan?
PAUL
We have to break them up.
BEN
They’re getting married next Saturday. How much damage do you think you could do in three days?
PAUL
Plenty.
BEN
They love each other, you know.
PAUL
We need a third party. We could bring in someone handsome to tear them apart with petty jealousies and suspicion.
BEN
Do you personally know anyone handsome?
PAUL
You’re right. Everyone we know is a bow-wow. Damn these ugly Melbourne men with their big dicks. I’ll just have to think of something else.
BEN
I swear you’re dumber than a box of hair. Now you listen to me, you weed. You’re not gonna do anything. You’re gonna go to this wedding because Kyle is our friend and we love him…
PAUL GLARES AT HIM.
Okay we like him a lot and we’re used to him so, Pollyanna, I’m gonna give you a little word of warning. If you screw up any chance of him being happy I am personally gonna make it my life’s mission to torment and terrorise your skinny, pock-marked arse into an early grave.
TOM
Have I told you, you look very handsome today?
KYLE
Not enough. It’s never enough. I don’t think it will work between us.
TOM
Okay. I’ll just have to hit on the catering staff.
KYLE
Good luck. It’s an all girl company.
TOM
All girl?
KYLE
You said you’d leave everything to me.
TOM
That’s right. I did.
THEY ALL TURN INTO THE SHARONS.
SHARON 1
Move your arse Sharon. We’re an hour late. They’re gonna go mental.
SHARON 2
She can’t move fast, the slack mole.
SHARON 4
Yeah, Sharon. I can’t move fast, you slack mole. I’ve got my periods.
SHARON 3
It’s just period, twat. Not periods.
SHARON 4
Really?
SHARON 3
Shit Sharon. You are such a fill-eye-stine. I’ve got “my period.”
SHARON 4
Really Sharon? You got your periods as well?
SHARON 3
Jesus.
SHARON 4
I haven’t got any tampons. I need to get some.
SHARON 3
What are you using at the moment, Sharon?
SHARON 4
Kitchen sponge.
THEY’RE ALL HORRIFIED.
Don’t worry. I washed it first.
SHARON 2
Well make sure you wash it after, this time.
SHARON 3
Just use one of the table napkins.
SHARON 4
So what are we doing today anyway?
SHARON 1
I swear I am gonna smack you in the minge. I told you 5 times in the van it’s a wedding.
SHARON 4
Oh good. I like weddings.
SHARON 3
Should be fun.
SHARON 1
Don’t hold your breath. It’ll be in someone’s back yard.
SHARON 3
Have they got a pool?
SHARON 2
What difference does it make? You’re not gonna have time to do anything.
SHARON 3
But it’s hot.
SHARON 2
So? You’re here to work, Sharon.
SHARON 4
Lazy bitch.
SHARON 1
And you have to behave yourself today.
SHARON 3
What are we? Nuns.
SHARON 2
Sharon, back the ute up over there near the garage. Just in case we need to make a quick getaway.
SHARON 3
Why would we need to do that?
THE OTHERS LOOK AT SHARON 4 CRUISING THE CROWD.
Oh, of course.
SHARON 4
What?
SHARON 3
Nothing, ya’ mole.
SHARON 1 AND 2 START TO MIME UNPACKING GLASSES
KYLE
You think they’ll turn up?
TOM
Who?
KYLE
Your parents.
TOM
Oh. I don’t know. I mean they hated my wife anyway so I think they’re just glad I’m not with her anymore.
KYLE
You know, you shouldn’t blame yourself for your marriage falling apart.
TOM
I don’t. I blame you.
KYLE
Really?
Of course not. I’m just teasing you.
KYLE
She left you.
TOM
I know that. But I think I left her long before she walked out the door.
KYLE
It’s nobody’s fault.
TOM
I know but…
KYLE
Are you worried about us lasting?
TOM
I don’t think so.
KYLE
Tom, you need to be sure. Otherwise this is all for nothing.
TOM
I am sure.
KYLE
Truly?
TOM
Truly.
KYLE
Good
THEY KISS. BEN AND PAUL TURN INTO MARTIN AND BERYL.
MARTIN
He’s doing what?
BERYL
Getting married again.
MARTIN
Again?
BERYL
That’s what I said, didn’t I?
MARTIN
Who’s the girl?
BERYL
He didn’t say.
MARTIN
He didn’t say?
BERYL
Do you have a parrot shoved up your arse? Why is everything another question with you? What did I just say? Read my lips, you gronk. He didn’t say. I swear one day I’m gonna put Ratsak in your cocoa.
MARTIN
Let me know. I’ll drink it. When are they getting hitched?
BERYL
Saturday.
MARTIN
That’s a little early ain’t it?
BERYL
That’s what I said but you know how he is.
MARTIN
Stubborn.
BERYL
Stubborn. Just like his father.
MARTIN
Blow it out your backburner, Beryl.
BERYL
I don’t know how I got so lucky to deserve you.
MARTIN
It was New Years Day. I was drunk and you were the only thing open, remember?
BERYL
We need to get you a new suit.
MARTIN
What’s wrong with the old one?
BERYL
Budgie chucked on it.
MARTIN
I hate that fucking budgie. A new suit’s gonna cost me a fortune.
BERYL
I managed to pick one up at Savers. Fifty dollars.
MARTIN
Fifty dollars? What are we? The Packers? It better last.
BERYL
We’ll use it for your funeral as well. It’ll be worth it.
MARTIN
Sweet.
THEY CONTINUE GETTING DRESSED.
TOM
What time are you parents arriving?
KYLE
Their flight gets in at two.
TOM
Won’t they be jet lagged?
KYLE
That’s what I’m planning on. Trust me. They’ll be easier to manage.
TOM
They’re cutting it close. The ceremony is at 3.30pm. We only have the celebrant for the hour. Who is this guy anyway?
TAYLOR
[AMERICAN ACCENT] Hi. Taylor Deakin. You must be the happy couple.
KYLE
Yes, we’re…
TAYLOR
Tom and Kyle? Great names. You know, this is quite unusual for me. Normal procedure is we have a couple of meetings first to discuss how the procedure is going to pan out for the afternoon but your email was quite detailed and specific and you obviously know what you want so, in the name of my own personal goddess Oprah, “more power to you, girlfriend!” Now I assume you have your paperwork. This is just a formality. You signed your papers at the British Consulate, right? So for all intents and purposes you’re already married, though not in the eyes of this neo fascist government, and this occasion is really to celebrate your universal oneness in your friend’s eyes and all it entails. Looks like we have 20 minutes. Now I would love you both to tell me about how the two of you met. Was it romantic?
KYLE
Well…
TAYLOR’S MOBILE RINGS.
Excuse me. I have to take this. [TAKES CALL] Hi de ho. [THE SMILE DROPS OFF HIS FACE] I told you I need some time. Well, you only told me 30 minutes ago. I think we can wait till I get home to discuss this. I am working at the moment. I know you’re eager to talk it out. But let me ask you this. Were you also that eager when you decided to slam your dick up the Gunther?
HE HANGS UP.
Sorry about that. A few issues on the home front. My life partner Javier is going through some quasi mid life crisis at the moment and whilst most men would channel that angst into a new car or a round-the-world holiday, he decided to channel the paperboy instead.
KYLE
Javier?
TAYLOR
He’s Guatemalan.
TOM
Really?
TAYLOR
After six years it’s a lot less exotic than it sounds. Word of advice. Never date a foreigner. They’re crazy as all get out. I wouldn’t trust him to sit the right way on a toilet seat…but that’s just me. I’m a little peckish. Do you have something I can nibble on? I’m slightly hypoglycaemic.
KYLE
The buffet’s over by the chicken shed.
TAYLOR
Chicken shed? Have they been checked for avian flu?
TOM
There aren’t any chickens in it yet.
TAYLOR
So we should count them just yet huh? Just kidding. See you in a little while.
TAYLOR LEAVES.
KYLE
He seems nice.
TOM
He seems like a freak.
KYLE
Okay so he’s a nice freak.
TOM
Where the hell do you find him anyway?
KYLE
In the gay paper. One of 2 choices.
TOM
What happened to the other guy?
KYLE
He dropped dead during a ceremony last Saturday.
TOM
Still seems preferable.
KYLE
You’re the one that wanted a gay celebrant.
TOM
I just thought it would be appropriate.
KYLE
You’ve certainly embraced your new found gay-ocity, haven’t you? You’ll be growing a moustache pretty soon and miming Kylie numbers.
TOM
I don’t think so. I’m not a Kylie fan.
KYLE
[HORRIFIED] You better keep that to yourself. You know how many queens are gonna be here today? You could get stoned.
TOM
I’m planning on it.
KYLE
Next you’ll be saying Madonna is just okay and then I might have to throw you down a lift shaft. Could you at least grow the moustache anyway?
TOM
I will if you stop introducing me to everyone as your “formerly straight but now very gay partner.” It’s been a year.
KYLE
I thought you liked that. Made you sound more exotic.
TOM
I do but it doesn’t.
KYLE
Okay.
PAUL AND BEN ARRIVE.
BEN
Hi.
TOM
Hi.
KYLE
Hi.
PAUL
I wish I was.
KYLE
Was what?
PAUL
High.
BEN
Don’t start.
THEY START TO KISS EACH OTHER’S CHEEKS.
BEN
Tom.
TOM
Ben.
BEN
Kyle.
KYLE
Ben.
TOM
Paul.
PAUL
Tom.
KYLE
Paul
PAUL
Satan. So you decided to have this in your back yard. How quaint. How rustic. How…
BEN
How about a drink?
PAUL
Point me to the bar and leave me there.
KYLE
Are you going to pace yourself?
PAUL
Are you going to annoy me?
KYLE
Yes.
PAUL
Then no.
BEN
Of course he won’t. He’s gonna behave or I’ll slash him with a pastry fork.
PAUL
At least you’ll have it out of your hand for a change, you fat trout. Hello Tom. I must say I admire your guts.
TOM
Really?
PAUL
Uh-huh. To put up with this one is pure sacrifice.
BEN
The only sacrifice she knows usually involves her plastic surgeon and a goat.
KYLE
Well, we’re glad you came.
PAUL
Is that the royal “we” already? Wouldn’t miss it for the world. But weren’t you the secretive little minx. Fancy leaving it till the last minute to let me know. It’s lucky I didn’t have anything important on this weekend.
BEN
New padlock on the local beat?
PAUL
[IGNORING HIM] One would think you were ashamed about your impending nuptials.
KYLE
Not at all. We just decided on the spur of the moment to have a public celebration.
PAUL
Really. Many people said yes?
TOM
About forty.
PAUL
Forty? Obviously they’re your friends. I don’t think Kyle knows that many people. Except maybe down at the clinic. But I’m sure he’s told you all about that. Kyle, I just love what you’ve done with your hair. Are you using a different rock to beat it against? Synthetics are just so hard to keep clean.
I’ll show you the bar.
THEY LEAVE PAUL STANDING THERE FOR A MOMENT AS THEY CHANGE TO SHARONS.
SHARON 4
Check that out.
SHARON 1
Nice arse.
SHARON 3
And he’s standing by himself.
SHARON 4
He looks familiar.
SHARON 1
Look around. There’s hardly any slags here. We’ve got no competition. This is gonna be easier than buggery.
SHARON 3
Thank you Father.
SHARON 4
Oh shit.
SHARON 3
What’s the matter, Sharon?
SHARON 4
The elastic in my knickers have busted. They’re starting too fall down.
SHARON 3
So?
SHARON 4
So…I’m still wearing the washing-up sponge, aren’t I? And I’m bleeding down there like someone stabbed a cat with an axe!
SHARON 3
Just keep your legs together
SHARON 1
Good luck with your mission, Jim.
SHARON 4
I need a safety pin.
THEY ALL START CHECKING PAUL OUT, HE LOOKS ACROSS AT THEM AS THEY START GIVING HIM THE COME-ON. PUSHIG UP THEIR BRAS, WINKING, ETC. SHARON 4 IS STILL HAVING TROUBLE WITH HER KNICKERS. EVENTUALLY THEY DROP TO THE FLOOR. SHE PRETENDS TO TAKE THEM OFF AND TEASE HIM. SHE RUBS THEM AGAINST HER FACE THEN REALISES THERE IS BLOOD ALL OVER HER FACE. THE OTHERS TURN AND LOOK AT HER, HORRIFIED. PAUL IS THROWING UP AS SHARON FLINGS THEM AWAY.
SHARON 1& 3
Sharon!!
SHARON 1
You look like Carrie!
SHARON 4
What? I think he really likes me.
SHARON 3
You dumb bitch! You threw your undies in the punch bowl!
THEY RUN OFF. PAUL AND BEN CHANGE INTO KYLE’S PARENTS.
KYLE
Oh dear god. They’re here.
TOM
Who?
KYLE
Mum! Dad!
TREVOR
Here he is.
MARGARET
Oh my goodness. Look how thin he is.
TREVOR
You think so? I think he looks fat. A right fat bastard and all.
KYLE
Thanks Dad.
TREVOR
Give us a hug, then. Haven’t seen you in 3 years. Or are you too much of a man to kiss your dad?
KYLE
Of course not…
TREVOR
Look here Margaret. He’s too proud to kiss his Dad.
MARGARET
Give yer father a kiss, lad.
TREVOR
No tongues.
MARGARET
Oh Trevor. Stop it. You’ll squeeze the life out of him.
SHE PUSHES TREVOR VIOLENTLY OUT OF THE WAY AND ALMOST ATTACKS HER SON.
TREVOR
Steady on, Margaret. You almost unlatched me truss!
MARGARET
Look how you’ve grown. You getting enough to eat?
TREVOR
Of course he is. Look at him.
KYLE
Mum? Dad? This is Tom.
TREVOR
Tom, is it?
MARGARET
Yes. Nice to meet you. Kyle’s told me a lot about you.
TREVOR
It’s not true. I never took a belt to him even though he insisted. Don’t know what that’s about.
KYLE
Dad…
TREVOR
Look out. I’ve embarrassed him. Oh Jesus I need to find the loo. My cup runneth over, if you know what I mean. Knew I shouldn’t have had that bloody curry on the plane. I mean, how fresh do you think a seafood vindaloo is gonna be after a 16 hours flight
MARGARET
Yes, I’m afraid my tummy’s been acting up a bit too. Feeling a little “butterflies in the boombox” if you know what I mean.
TOM
No, not really…
TREVOR
Course I do could with a Guinness right now.
KYLE
We’ve got punch.
TREVOR
That’ll do lovely…for starters
KYLE
I’ll get some.
HE RACES OVER AND SCOOPS UP TWO GLASSES OF PUNCH AND RETURNS.
MARGARET
That’ll be your third today. Better pace yourself father. [QUIETLY TO TOM] He’s got a slight drinking problem but nothing serious. Course he likes to keep it to himself.
TOM
When did he start drinking?
MARGARET
Let’s see. Trevor, when did you start drinking? Oh that’s right. Oh, about ten minutes after Kyle told us he was gay. It seemed the best thing for all concerned. Not heavily. Just socially.
TREVOR
Of course we’re very bloody social these days. Every night we’re socialised up to our eyeballs.
MARGARET
Of course he’s kidding. We hardly ever drink these days.
TREVOR
That’s right. Not since Margaret took up late night shoplifting…
MARGARET
And you starting dabbling in the Asian porn market.
TREVOR
Ping pong for two please!
BOTH
We just don’t have the time!
THEY BURST OUT LAUGHING.
TREVOR
Yeah, don’t listen to me lad. I just talk my head off when I meet new people. Puts them at ease. Are you at ease?
TOM
Yeah I guess….
TREVOR
Well you bloody shouldn’t be! Fancy corrupting our son with all your backdoor antics. He was almost a virgin and then you come along with your small arse and your big dreams of happily ever after and pollute his innocence and take that all away from him. Well I hope you’re happy!
TOM
I…
TREVOR
Just kidding.
MARGARET
Oh Trevor you’re such a trickster.
TREVOR
Look at him. I think he needs lie down. He’s gone all white
SHE SWIGS ALL HER GLASS OF PUNCH
I think we need another drink, mother. Kyle, our bags are one the front porch. Bring ‘em in when you get the chance. Let’s go to the bar. [TO TOM] It’s free of course?
TOM
Of course.
TREVOR
Good. Didn’t bring me purse, though looking around I’m in the minority! A hah ha.
THEY EXIT. MARGARET LETS OUT A SMALL FART AS SHE WALKS.
MARGARET
Oh dear.
TREVOR
Look out Margaret. We’re being attacked by bloodhounds.
MARGARET
Oh Trevor.
TOM
My god!
KYLE
I know. They’re a bit excitable but they mean well. They haven’t seen me in aw while so they’re full of beans.
TOM
I feel like I’ve just been raped!
KYLE
At least they made effort.
TOM
Oh don’t get me wrong. I love them. You’re lucky you have such nice parents.
KYLE
Yeah, well…I’ll go and get their bags. If you want my advice you’ll hide before they see you again.
TOM
I plan on seeing them a lot.
KYLE
Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
KYLE RUNS UPSTAGE AND FREEZES AS BEN AND PAUL COME DOWNSTAGE AND TOM TURNS INTO MICHAEL.
MICHAEL
Hi boys!
BEN
Oh Jesus, she’s here. I was wondering when you were gonna show up.
MICHAEL
So was I. I thought you’d all forgotten about me.
PAUL
No. We just didn’t care.
MICHAEL
You are so fucking funny!
PAUL
So you knew about this as well?
MICHAEL
Of course. I’ve known about it for weeks. I was one of their personal referees for their marriage thingy. I helped Kyle organise. You wouldn’t know about that because most of this happens during the day and you’re still hanging from your cave wall but we’ve gotten very close, Tom, Kyle and myself.
PAUL
You’ve what?
MICHAEL
Gotten very close.
PAUL
Really.
MICHAEL
Yep.
PAUL
Yes, well you know what they say? Couples and their dogs. I’m sure you’re the anal wart they always wanted. So what are you? Flower girl? Matron of honour? Hag in waiting?
KYLE COMES OVER.
KYLE
Hi.
MICHAEL
Hi! Now I’ve put the cake in the kitchen fridge next to the salmon mousse. It’s still a bit hot out here but we’ll bring it out just after the ceremony. Okay?
KYLE
Okay.
MICHAEL
Where’s the groom?
KYLE
He’s over there with my parents.
PAUL
You have parents? I thought you were born in a tube?
BEN
Truth be told she was born in a bucket. You know how those English are. Never recovered from the war.
KYLE
[TO MICHAEL] So, did you bring him?
PAUL
Bring who?
MICHAEL
Never mind.
PAUL GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR.
PAUL
Bring who!
KYLE
His new friend.
PAUL
Friend?
KYLE
Yep.
BEN
You’re kidding me.
KYLE
No.
PAUL
He has a friend? How could you get someone?
MICHAEL
We met over the internet?
BEN
Really? That’s disgusting.
MICHAEL
No worse than meeting someone in a bar or a sex club.
PAUL
I haven’t done sex clubs in years.
BEN
Is that because they’re men only?
PAUL
Is he good looking?
MICHAEL
Of course he is. In fact he’s perfect. Tall, dark looks, sexy moustache. Looks like that guy from The Sullivans.
BEN
Uncle Harry?
MICHAEL
No. Andrew whatever his name is.
PAUL
I see. And he’s going out with you?
KYLE
There are worse people he could hook up with.
PAUL
Yes but come on. And you’ve been seeing him for how long?
MICHAEL
2 weeks. Every night.
PAUL
The poor bastard. Let me guess, he’s a bottom?
MICHAEL
Uh, why?
PAUL
Well, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to look at your face when they’re humping you so someone has to be looking the other way.
KYLE
You left out the most important thing.
MICHAEL
It’s not that important. I mean, it doesn’t define him.
KYLE
That’s true but it is quel interesting.
PAUL
Let me be the judge of that. Big dick?
MICHAEL
Yes, but that’s not it.
BEN
Tighter than a mullet’s moot?
KYLE
He’s deaf.
PAUL
Deaf?
MICHAEL
Yep.
PAUL
The lucky bastard. Fancy not having to hear you. Many’s the time I’ve wanted to stick a pencil in each of my eardrums to drown you out?
MICHAEL
Bet they’d connect mid air.
BEN
Where is this hunk anyway?
MICHAEL
Over there near the buffet.
KYLE
I think he’s dreamy.
PAUL
My gawd he’s gorgeous!
MICHAEL
I know.
PAUL
How the hell did you get him?
MICHAEL
What do you mean?
PAUL
Listen Frodo, I’ll try to say this without hurting your feelings…
BEN
Good luck.
PAUL
You’re not exactly catch of the day, are you? More bargain bin Beulah if the truth be told.
BEN
You know, you’re unusually catty this afternoon.
PAUL
It’s not mean if it’s true.
BEN
And you’re a dried up oyster’s left tit. Yes, I see what you mean.
PAUL
What’s the sex like?
MICHAEL
I don’t think I want to…
PAUL
If you don’t share I’m gonna hurt you.
MICHAEL
It’s alright but…
PAUL
But?
BEN
He’s too tall?
MICHAEL
That doesn’t help.
PAUL
Can’t imagine the two of you in the cot. Sounds a little like being ankle fucked by a Chihuahua.
MICHAEL
No, he just…makes noises.
BEN
What do you mean? He farts when you fuck him?
KYLE
Well it’s official. Yuk.
MICHAEL
No.
BEN
I don’t think I want to hear any more…go on.
MICHAEL
He groans.
KYLE
What’s wrong with that?
PAUL
While you’re fucking him?
MICHAEL
Yep.
PAUL
So?
MICHAEL
Did I mention he’s deaf? [HE STARTS MAKING HOWLING NOISES]
KYLE
Oh my god!
PAUL
Bloody hell.
MICHAEL
It’s okay for you. He’s so fucking loud but he doesn’t know it. He sounds like Kong! I’m sure he’s wondering why I’m always shoving a pillow in his mouth. I tell you, those groans really put you off your stride.
PAUL
What the hell is he doing with you?
BEN
And remember…he’s supposed to be your best friend.
MICHAEL
I happen to like him. And he likes me.
PAUL
Such a waste.
BEN
It’s not a waste. He’s with Michael.
KYLE
You’re just jealous.
PAUL
Of course I am. He’s a hottie. Look at him. Look at the size of those hands. I need to go to the buffet.
BEN
Oh Jesus. She’s got that Wild Kingdom look in her bloodshot eyes again. I’ve seen this before.
KYLE
At the Myer Men’s Underwear Show. Michael, take your deaf boyfriend and get the hell out of here quick before her oestrogen kicks in. She’ll be on him like a rice queen on Thai waiter.
PAUL
Rubbish. I wouldn’t dream of doing….big dick, you say.
MICHAEL
Uh-huh.
PAUL
How big?
MICHAEL
Um…[HE TURNS HIS HEAD SIDEWAYS AND INDICATES THE LENGTH AGAINST HIS PROFILE] That big. The first and only time I let him fuck me I had to ask for an epidural first.
KYLE
Oh dear God.
MICHAEL
What’s the matter?
KYLE WAVES HIS HANDS ACROSS PAUL’S FACE.
KYLE
She’s slipped into a cock coma. [TO MICHAEL] Are you happy now?
BEN AND PAUL CHANGE INTO MARTIN AND BERYL, MICHAEL INTO TOM.
BERYL
Tom, sweetheart.
TOM
Oh shit, it’s my parents
KYLE
Really?
TOM
Hi, mum and dad. Just a minute.
KYLE
That’s your parents?
TOM
Uh-huh.
KYLE
They look nice.
TOM
Okay. Sure. Oh…by the way…I haven’t told them that I’m gay now and marrying a guy.
KYLE
Sorry? What?
TOM
I haven’t told them that I’m gay now and marrying a guy.
KYLE
You haven’t told them?
TOM
Yeah. I knew they’d flip if I told them before hand and not show up.
KYLE
Are you insane?
TOM
Probably. I thought I would break it to them gently
KYLE
Well I think they’re gonna get a huge fucking heads-up when they see you holding my hand in front of the celebrant and no-one’s wearing a dress! That might be the dead giveaway, don’t you think?
TOM
Kyle, I’ve gone over this a hundred times in my head. I know how I want to do this.
KYLE
Then maybe you should have filled me in on your big plan. That way I could have told you what a complete dickhead you are!
TOM
You’re gonna have to trust me on this. With my parents you have to surprise them…
KYLE
Well I think that’s a sure thing.
TOM
That way the shock will put them offside. They’ll just shut down mentally for a couple of days. They’ll be like zombies. In the meantime we’ll be on our honeymoon.
KYLE
And when are you going to tell them?
TOM
Oh, I was thinking about 2 minutes before the ceremony.
HE GOES OVER TO THEM AND HUGS THEM.
TOM
Thanks for coming. Glad you could make it.
MARTIN
Wouldn’t miss it.
BERYL
This all looks lovely. Doesn’t it, Martin?
MARTIN
Does what?
BERYL
Look lovely.
MARTIN
Yeah gorgeous. Lawn could do with a bit of a trim but apart from that, real nice setup.
TOM
Thanks.
MARTIN
What’s the rent go for in a place like this?
BERYL
Martin?
MARTIN
I’m only asking. Don’t want to see the boy ripped off. Bloody Yarraville. Too full of renovating lezzies and their dogs, if you ask me.
BERYL
Well, no-one’s asking you.
TOM
Oh it’s very cheap.
MARTIN
That bloody first wife of yours take you for you had, did she? Never liked Sheila, did I Beryl? She was real stuck up.
TOM
For the last time Dad, her name was Sonia and she didn’t take me for anything. We still talk sometimes.
KYLE
What?
BERYL
Well, I must say you’ve kept this pretty hush, hush.
TOM
What?
BERYL
Getting married of course.
MARTIN
Yes, we were quite shocked.
TOM
Well it’s early days yet.
MARTIN
You could’ve given us a bit of notice.
TOM
Sorry. Bit of a spur of the moment thing.
MARTIN
She’s not pregnant, is she?
TOM
Who?
MARTIN
The bride.
TOM
No, of course not.
BERYL
Is she very pretty?
MARTIN
He don’t want to marry pretty.
BERYL
He doesn’t?
MARTIN
No, of course not. The pretty ones start sleeping around as soon as they’ve tied the knot. Always go for the plain ones, son. They’ll always have the dinner on the table.
BERYL
And for women it’s small dicks, fat arses and a heart condition.
TOM
Don’t worry, Dad, She’s not pretty.
KYLE
What?!
TOM
Dad, Mum. This is Kyle.
BERYL
Kyle?
TOM
That’s right.
KYLE
I’m his….
TOM
Friend. Yeah we go way back.
BERYL
Oh that’s nice.
KYLE
Yes I’m his “friend.”
BERYL
You’re English, aren’t you?
KYLE
Yes, thank you for asking. But I’ve lived here fifteen years…
BERYL
Knew a English person once. Dirty person he was. Horrid teeth. Maybe you know him.
KYLE
Why don’t you and get f…
TOM
Dad, mum. Why don’t you go and get yourself and glass of punch. It’s starting to warm up a bit. It’s just over there.
BERYL
That sounds lovely.
THEY WANDER OFF.
KYLE
Apart from the few thousand other details you left off you also failed to mention your mother was a member of the Nazi party. You have to tell them.
TOM
I know.
KYLE
Before the ceremony. That means you have exactly five minutes.
TOM
I will.
KYLE
Now! I’m not going through with this until everything is out in the open and that includes their son.
TOM
Kyle?
KYLE
Did I mention that once this afternoon is over I am going to kill you?
HE WALKS OFF. BERYL COMES BACK.
BERYL
So, are we gonna see this girl you’re marrying or what? She’s being very coy. I know how fussy women can be…well, those that haven’t abandoned all hope.
TOM
She’s just…er…actually Mum, there’s something I need to tell you and dad.
BERYL
You’ll have to wait until he comes out of the loo, sweetheart. By the way, I didn’t tell you the good news.
TOM
Good news?
BERYL
Uh-huh. You’re father and me are getting a divorce.
TOM
You’re what?
BERYL
Yep.
TOM
When did this all happen?
BERYL
About ten years ago. Just couldn’t be bothered getting around to doing something about it until now. Best for all concerned.
TOM
But…
BERYL
Don’t go making a big fuss about. Your father wouldn’t like it. We just can’t stand each other anymore. So we thought it might be best if we do it now before one of us takes a hammer to the other.
TOM
Oh shit.
BERYL
Enough about that. Now let’s not spoil your day. What was it you wanted to tell me?
TOM
I...um…
BERYL
Come on. Spit it out.
HE GRABS HER PUNCH GLASS AND SWALLOWS IT ALL.
TOM
There isn’t going to be a bride.
BERYL
There what?
MARTIN COMES OVER.
TOM
There isn’t…going to be…a bride.
MARTIN
What?
BERYL
There isn’t going to be a bride?
MARTIN
What? Has she done a runner already? Bloody hell! Nothing like leaving it to the last minute. Fucking women.
TOM
No, there isn’t a bride. I’m not marrying a woman. I’m marrying Kyle.
MARTIN AND BERYL LOOK AT EACH.
MARTIN
Kyle who?
TOM
Kyle, Kyle. You met him a moment ago.
BERYL
I don’t underst….
MARTIN
Bloody hell, Beryl. He’s marrying a man. Try to keep up.
TOM
Dad?
MARTIN
You’re first wife told me a 4 months ago. Said you were living with a man. I knew you were a poof 10 years ago. When I came in your room after school that time and found you half way up the school football captain. Thought I’d forgotten, did you? I thought you might grow out of it but….
TOM
Then why didn’t you say anything before you got here?
MARTIN
I just wanted to see the look on your mother’s face when you told her.
BERYL SWOONS AND FAINTS INTO HIS ARMS.
Even better!
TOM
Shit.
MARTIN
Don’t worry I’ll look after your mum.
TOM
But you’re getting a divorce.
MARTIN
So? We’re still gonna live in the same house. Help me get her inside.
THEY WALK HER AROUND. TOM GLARES AT KYLE AS HE ENTERS.
KYLE
Tom?
TOM CUTS HIM DEAD. THEY TURN INTO MARGARET AND TREVOR AS TOM EXITS.
MARGARET
Sweetheart are you okay? You look a little bothered.
KYLE
I’m okay.
MARGARET
This should be a very happy day for you. We were wondering if you were ever going to settle down with someone and we think Tom is very nice.
SHE FARTS.
I’m sorry dearest. That airline curry was very suspicious and to tell you the truth the punch you’re serving tasted a little odd as well.
TREVOR
I’m sure we’ll be okay, Mother.
MARGARET
Of course we will. I think after the ceremony I might take a good lie down.
TREVOR
It was good of you letting us house sit for the week while you’re off on your honeymoon. We’ll get to know the city a bit on our own.
MARGARET
And when you get back you can show us the more avant garde places.
TREVOR
Backpacker cafes and the like.
MARGARET
Your father loves backpackers. Always hanging out with them. Bringing them home. Not a week goes by when we don’t have some German or Swiss student stopping in for a hot meal. Letting them stop overnight. Spooky.
TREVOR
Just a friendly how-dee-doo. Doesn’t hurt.
SHE FARTS AGAIN
Jesus, Margaret! Hope you’re wearing your industrial gusset today.
THEY START TO EXIT
Let me get upwind of you, mother. I think that last one gave me cancer.
MICHAEL ENTERS AS THE OTHERS TURN INTO PAUL, KYLE AND BEN.
BEN
Why are you looking so gloomy?
PAUL
Yeah. This is supposed to be your “special day.”
KYLE
Can you believe it? He hadn’t told his parents.
PAUL
That he was a poof? You’re kidding. I spotted him as a fag wanna-bee the minute I laid eyes on him.
BEN
Of course you did.
KYLE
No, he hadn’t told them he was marrying a man.
BEN
Now when you say man….
KYLE
Don’t push me or I’ll smack you into the compost tumbler.
PAUL
Wondered how you did your makeup. Well they’re gonna know in about three minutes.
KYLE
I know.
PAUL
It’s not a real marriage, you know.
BEN
Shut up.
MICHAEL
There’s cake. Of course it’s a real marriage. Jesus, will you check out the arse on that. How do queens get such big arses?
PAUL
It’s fucking huge. You could show cartoons on it! And speaking of huge, where’s that gorgeous hunk of yours? You haven’t introduced us yet, you know.
MICHAEL
Nor do I plan to. He’s around somewhere. I saw him over near the garage playing with Kyle’s cat a moment ago.
BEN
Let’s hope he can lip read because I don’t think Mr Frisky knows sign.
PAUL
Over by the garage you say. I might take a walk.
BEN
The ceremony is about to start.
PAUL
I might stand at the back. You know, get some perspective on the visuals. And that way you won’t hear me vomiting.
HE WANDERS OFF TOWARDS THE GARAGE.
BEN
She’s up to no good. I just know it.
KYLE
Michael, can you go and get my parents? Tell them we’re about to start. They’re inside, I think.
MICHAEL
Sure thing.
HE EXITS
BEN
You, cheer up. It’s your wedding day. It’s not like sex where you can fake it, especially seeing as how you’re 100 per cent bottom.
KYLE
You’ve been hanging around Paul too long.
BEN
We’ve all been hanging around Paul too long. I might have to drown him in the punch.
KYLE
Anywhere is fine by me.
BEN
Well I must say I never thought any of us would be getting married.
KYLE
It’s not a real marriage. It’s a civil partnership.
BEN
Well, whatever it is you’ve got a piece of paper signed by a more progressive government saying you’re a couple. That sounds pretty married to me. You’re not having any regrets, are you?
KYLE
No. I just don’t think I know him enough.
BEN
You’ve had a year. That’s probably more than most people have to get to know each other. The rest you can just pick up and be horrified with as you go along. Without wanting to start a movie-of-the-week vomit fest, do you still love him?
KYLE
Yes.
BEN
And you know he loves you. Why else would anyone put up with your whiney English accent. That’s all you need. You don’t even need a ceremony. This isn’t even about you. It’s about the rest of us standing back and bitching that you got hitched and we didn’t. Look around. Most of the queens are only here to check each other out. It’s worse than funerals. At a gay wedding, all gloves are off and everyone is a horny bridesmaid.
MICHAEL ENTERS.
MICHAEL
They’re on their way. Where’s Paul?
BEN
Gone walkies. Where’s your beau?
MICHAEL
I don’t know. I thought…
A LOUD GROANING FROM A DEAF PERSON CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE. THEY ALL LOOK AT MICHAEL.
Never mind. I’m gonna get some punch
KYLE
I’ll go and get Tom’s parents.
KYLE RUNS OFF THEN SHARON 4 ENTERS. SHE SIDLES UP TO BEN.
SHARON 4
I know you, don’t I?
BEN
What?
SHARON 4
I know you.
BEN
I don’t think so.
SHARON 4
Course I do. Somewhere else. You look really familiar. Are you on the telly?
BEN
No.
SHARON 4
You sure?
BEN
Yes.
SHARON 4
Cause I swear I’ve seen your face before. Have we done it?
BEN
Done it?
SHARON 4
You know.
BEN
Er…no. Are you a guest or something?
SHARON 4
Catering. Are you here with anyone?
BEN
I’m here with the health department. There’s rats in the chook shed.
SHARON 4
That’s nice. I’m on a break in 10 minutes. You wanna have a drink with me?
BEN
I really don’t think…
SHARON 4
Or we could just shag in the chook shed.
BEN
I don’t think.
SHARON 4
I’m up for anything, if you know what I mean. Anything. Back in high school they used to call me Back Door Bin Box.
BEN
Lovely. And how did you get that name?
SHARON 4
Well, first you take an over-ripened eggplant…
BEN
My, my. Is that the house on fire? I have to go. Excuse me.
HE RUNS OFF.
SHARON 4
Don’t forget. Chook shed. 10 minutes. [SHE SEES SOMEONE ELSE] Hi. You look really familiar. Are you on the telly?
SHE WANDERS OFF. MARTIN AND TREVOR ENTER. THEY EYE EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT
MARTIN
Martin. Martin Becker. Father of the groom.
TREVOR
Oh, Trevor Sinclair. Also Father of the groom.
MARTIN
Really? So you’re Kyle’s dad, are you?
TREVOR
Yes.
MARTIN
Funny.
TREVOR
What is?
MARTIN
My Tom getting married to another man. Don’t you think that’s funny?
TREVOR
They make a handsome couple. I think it’s great.
MARTIN
Yeah, fucking hilarious. So…I guess Kyle is like the “woman” in the marriage.
TREVOR
What?
MARTIN
The woman. Kyle’s the woman. Tom’s the man
TREVOR
What the bloody hell are you…
MARTIN
Well, it’s friggin obvious. He’s English. Of course he takes it up the clacker.
TREVOR
Why don’t you just…
MARTIN
You want to start something pal. I ought to knock your friggin head off.
TREVOR
Bring it on, you tub of guts!
THEY SQUARE OFF TO FIGHT.
MARTIN
Loser shags my wife.
TREVOR
Ditto!
TOM AND KYLE BREAK THEM UP.
KYLE
Dad!
TOM
Dad! What are you doing.
MARTIN
This limey arsehole was trying to have a go.
TREVOR
Limey? You stupid bastard…
KYLE
Dad!
TOM
You‘re gonna ruin everything. The ceremony’s about to start and you’re getting into a fight?
MARTIN
Sorry son.
TREVOR
Sorry lad. Don’t know what came over me. Very immature.
KYLE
Well, just behave yourselves or I’ll get mum..
TOM
You too.
THEY WALK OFF
MARTIN
Hey, I’m just screwing with you.
TREVOR
What? Oh right.
THEY PAUSE FOR A MOMENT
TREVOR
Actually they both look like they take it.
MARTIN
Too bloody right.
TAYLOR DEAN ENTERS. KYLE AND TOM ENTER AND STAND NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
TAYLOR
Friends. Friends. If I could have your attention. Firstly I’d like to welcome you all to Kyle and Tom’s special day. You know…Oprah once said to me in a dream I had, because we are so bonded spiritually…that people are only elevated to a higher consciousness when they can allow themselves to be loved. But love can be a very cunning individual indeed. A subject I explore very candidly in my latest book Love, You Fucker, Love, which you can purchase from my car boot once this service is over. In it I make the simile that love is like a burglar and the human heart is a house. If you are not open to it then love can break its way in and cause all sorts of damage. I think I can honestly say after meeting Cal & Tim that they have opened their respective back doors to love and it has made a home in their front living room.
Now Tim & Cal have written their own vows., In a gay union? What a shocker I know, Quel originale`. So let’s see how they’ve gotten on, shall we? Kyle?
THEY BOTH PULL OUT CARDS.
KYLE
[READING] Tom, On this day our choice is made. Our minds are clear and our hearts strong. This love means more to us than anything else in life. There is no person, precondition, or approval I value more than your love. There is no obstacle I would not overcome to reach you. I give myself to our union. I welcome you as my partner in life. May our love forever keep us…
HE STOPS FOR A MOMENT. HE LOOKS AT TOM.
Bugger this.
HE TAKES THE CARDS AND TEARS THEM UP
KYLE
What are you doing?
[POINTING TO PAUL] Shut up for a moment or I’ll sic her onto you. Look, when I first met you I thought you were an absolute putz. Clumsy, vague and oh, that’s right… married to a woman. But that was a year ago and since then I’ve found a thousand other things to annoy, infuriate and completely drive me nuts. But I’ve also found a thousand things that make me want to hold onto you more. So here’s the skinny…and no Paul we’re not talking about my incredibly large arse…you need to tell me things. Especially how you feel. I’m not a mind reader and I can’t go through the next few years trying to second guess the workings inside that Disneyland brain of yours. I haven‘t got the stamina.
TOM
I know. I’ll try.
KYLE
Good. And I’ll try to stop being little Miss Bossy Boots.
TOM
That would be good.
KYLE
I said “try.”
THEY BOTH LOOK AT TAYLOR.
TAYLOR
That’s it? Okay. Let’s skip all this horse shit and break it down a little. You know, give the folks their money’s worth. I should just ask you. Do you love him a lot?
TOM
Yeah.
TAYLOR
And you love him more? Cause one has to love the other at least fifty per cent extra to give life a little drama.
KYLE
Yes.
TAYLOR
Well, that’s good. I always say…a short ceremony is a good ceremony and I still get paid the full four hours. So, with no particular deference to the outdated concepts of patriarchal Judeo-Christian marriage but by adopting a more holistic and universal approach I pronounce you both in the name of your friends, family and Oprah, both husband and husband. You may, though you are not obliged to, seal your union with a kiss.
HIS PHONE RINGS
Look, for the last time, stop annoying me. I’m working here! You want me to drown myself in the punch. Is that it? Would that make you happy? Would it? I’m doing it. I’m doing it as we speak! Listen closer, you fucker! You can hear the bubbles!
HE HANGS UP AND TURNS TO THEM.
Well go on. Kiss him!
THEY KISS
Men are such arseholes! Good luck. You’re gonna need it! [YELLING OFF] Dee Jay. Hit the music!
HE EXITS AND DANCE MUSIC STARTS.
TOM
Thank you.
KYLE
For what?
TOM
For letting me make an honest woman of you?
KYLE
Nice try bottom boy.
KYLE
Never mind.
BERYL AND MARGARET ENTER FROM OPPOSITE SIDES. KYLE GOES OVER TO MARGARET.
TOM
Mum, are you okay?
BERYL
Honey that was the weirdest thing I have ever sat through. But I am happy for you.
TOM
Really?
BERYL
Sure. Anyone’s better that the bitch Sheila. Hated her hairy armpits. I mean, put a razor to ‘em women. Where’s your dignity!
TOM
Her name was Sonia.
BERYL
Like it matters. And Kyle seems very nice.
TOM
Yeah.
BERYL
I’m sorry I spazzed out on you before, sweetheart. It just came as a bit of a shock.
TOM
I know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. About Kyle and everything.
BERYL
You’ve been busy. That alright. He seems lovely. A bit of a heads up wouldn’t have gone astray but that’s why God invented Prozac. We all have our little ways of coping.
TOM
Mum, this is Kyle’s mother Margaret.
THEY SHAKE HANDS.
BERYL
Beryl. Nice to meet you Margaret.
MARGARET
And you. It’s nice to see the boys so happy. I’m they’ll have many years of…
BERYL
You’re English, right?
MARGARET
Yes, that’s right.
BERYL
Knew an English person once. Horrible person, Bad breath and stank like shit.
MARGARET
Why don’t you go and get fu…
KYLE & TOM
Mum!
THEY SEPARATE THEM.
KYLE
Let’s go get you some cake.
TOM
Let’s get you some punch.
BERYL
Oh sweetheart. Any more punch and I’ll piss meself.
MARGARET
What a horrid person she is. Tell me Tom is much nicer, tell me.
KYLE
Of course he is.
MARGARET LETS OUT A HUGE FART.
BERYL
See!? What did I tell you?!! They all smell like shit!!! Pasty grey fuckers!
MICHAEL
Thank Christ that’s over. Are you two done?
KYLE
Yep.
MICHAEL
Good. Then lets cut that fucking cake!
PAUL
My, aren’t we the snappy one.
MICHAEL SAYS NOTHING.
Oh fantastic. The silent treatment. Do you think you could drag this out for oh, let’s see, fifty years?
MICHAEL
You’re not gonna live for fifty years, you rancid old twat!
PAUL
Don’t use classy words with me, Bin Breath.
MICHAEL
I thought you were my friend?
PAUL
You’ll never get me to put it in writing but I am.
MICHAEL
I got one word for you. Hah!
PAUL
Spell it!
MICHAEL
How could you?
PAUL
How could I what?
MICHAEL
You know perfectly well what. Don’t play innocent with me.
PAUL
Fill me in, idiot, because I have no idea what you’re talking about.
MICHAEL
How could you have sex with Dale?
PAUL
Who the fuck is Dale?
KYLE
His deaf boyfriend.
MICHAEL
My deaf boyfriend!
BEN
You know. [GROANS]
PAUL
Do you know what he’s saying?
BEN
I’m staying right out of this one. But you’ve only got yourself to blame. [TO MICHAEL] You should slap her.
PAUL
Good to see you’ve got my back.
BEN
Everything but the hump.
PAUL
For one thing, anyone with a name like Dale deserves never to get shagged and secondly I never laid a finger on him or anyone else.
MICHAEL
It’s not your finger I’m worried about! More like your Chlamydia-soaked flaps!
PAUL
I haven’t touched him!
MICHAEL
Oh, the bald-faced liar!
PAUL
Whatever you’re taking you better cut back on it. You’re dreaming.
MICHAEL
I hate you.
PAUL
Good. That’ll save us money on Chrissie presents!
MICHAEL
One day it’s all come back and bite you on the arse.
PAUL
Why don’t you just go and fu…
MICHAEL SLAPS HIM. THEY ARE ALL SHOCKED FOR A MOMENT. THEN ANGER APPEARS ON PAUL’S FACE AS HE LUNGES, WILD-EYED AT PAUL. THE OTHERS HOLD THEM OFF EACH OTHER.
PAUL
I’m gonna tear you a new one so big you’ll have to walk around with a drip tray!
MICHAEL
Bigger than the cum guards on your jaw?
PAUL
You little fucker!
MICHAEL
You had sex with Dale! How could you?
PAUL
For the last time, monkey boy I did not have sex with your little Helen Keller friend.
MICHAEL
Then who did?
KYLE RUNS AROUND AND TURNS INTO SHARON 4. SHE RUNS UP TO BEN AND STARTS DANCING AROUND HIM.
SHARON 4
I love this song. Hi lover. That was good but I think you knocked out one of my fillings with that donkey meat of yours. If you want a repeat round I get off in about 30 minutes. Back at my place this time okay? That chook shed is too dark and the wire put a dent in me arse! By the way, love the dirty talk. [SHE GROANS]
SHE RUNS OFF. THEY ARE ALL REVOLTED. PAUL LOOKS AT MICHAEL WHO LOOKS VERY SHEEPISH.
MICHAEL
Sorry.
PAUL
You little turd.
MICHAEL
Simple mistake.
PAUL
The only thing simple around here is you!
HE CHASES MICHAEL AROUND THE STAGE AS THEY ALL CHANGE INTO THE SHARONS.
SHARON 4
I swear he had the biggest dick. I don’t think I’ll be able to part my hair in the same way again.
SHARON 3
Where is he?
SHARON 2
Back off, you mole! He’s mine!
SHARON 1
Everyone’s going.
SHARON 2
Shit.
THEY RUN AMOK. SHARON 3 RUNS DOWNSTAGE AND TURNS INTO TOM. HE SITS ON THE FLOOR AND LIGHTS UP A JOINT. KYLE ENTERS
KYLE
Are you okay?
TOM
I think so. This has been one hell of a day.
KYLE
That’s not stating the bleeding obvious.
TOM
Look, do you want to just go?
KYLE
Go?
TOM
Uh-huh.
KYLE
What about all the guests?
TOM
What about them?
KYLE
Well, we can’t just leave them.
TOM
Who says?
KYLE
Oh that’s what you’re gonna be like, is it?
TOM
What do you mean?
KYLE
When the going gets tough, you’re gonna run away?
TOM
There’s a difference between running away and escaping.
KYLE
What about my parents?
TOM
What about your parents?
KYLE
Exactly. We can’t just leave them. They’ll be upset.
TOM
They’ll understand
KYLE
Mine might but I’m not so sure about yours.
TOM
Maybe we should’ve spread this out over a longer period. Them meeting like this wasn’t exactly under the most ideal of situations. It was like When Worlds Collide.
KYLE
You forget. That had a happy ending.
TOM
Not like this one. It‘s not too late.
KYLE
You want to leave that much?
TOM
There’s only two things I’m pretty certain. One is that we should get the hell out of here before people starting sobering up and consulting their lawyers…
KYLE
And the other?
TOM
That I love you very much and even though we’ve been living together for 6 months I can’t wait to start the rest of my life with you.
KYLE
What a sweet talker. You sure you’re not just locking me in for a ready supply of sex on tap?
TOM
Maybe a ready supply of body parts.
KYLE
Nice. Are you sure?
TOM
Look, anywhere I go is good…as long as I’m with you.
THEY KISS AS THE LIGHTS FADE TO HAWAIIAN MUSIC. LIGHTS COME UP ON THEM NOW DRESSED IN HAWAIIAN SHIRTS HOLDING LARGE COCKTAIL DRINKS. THEY ARE LOOKING OUT TO SEA.
TOM
Beautiful sunset.
KYLE
Beautiful.
TOM
Tide’s going out
KYLE
Uh-huh.
TOM
Actually the tide’s going a long way out.
THE ROAR OF THE OCEAN COMING TOWARDS THEM IN A HUGE TSUNAMI. THEY START TO BACK UP
TOM
Maybe we should go up to the second floor
KYLE
Yep.
THEY RUN UPSTAGE TO THE SOUNDS OF “THE TIDE IS HIGH”
END