Betty Jo         Steven Dawson
Dwayne         Graham McKane
 

Directed by John Bashford

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Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O. Box 445, Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone 61 2  9281 9622
Fax 61 2   92127100
raftos@raftos.com.au
 

Copyright © Steven Dawson 1989.

VOICE OVER
Ladies and gentlemen, direct from their recent bus and truck tour through the NSW floodbelt, please put your hands together for the fabulous Bullthwaite Family.
 

[THERE IS WILD APPLAUSE AS THE LIGHTS COME UP ON BETTY JO STANDING CENTRE. SHE WEARS A NECK BRACE.]
 

LITTLE BIT OF COUNTRY IN YOU

From the moment that that crusty old doctor
Slapped my pink behind
I have felt a need to taste from life's deep well
The milk of human kindness, that's what I'm craving for
Though it's sometimes hard to get used to the smell

The day that I got married I still
Had those damn boots on
Everyone kept trying to talk me out of it
But when I saw you standing there,
You were sugar in my tea
Only later on did find out you were a shit

After our long divorce I got me a calling to sing a song
There's country music flowing through my veins
And I still got me these gleaming boots
Though mamma's been long gone
Every time I put these boots on I can
Still share her pain

[Bridge]

And when I'm old I'm gonna still be singing
Singing the same old songs [Let me tell you]
I got me a burning deep down inside [Down inside]
But if only I could find a way to take these buggers off
Without the help of a trusty chainsaw
The one I used when mamma died

BETTY JO
Howdy, everybody. [PAUSE] I said, Howdy everybody! Welcome. What a great audience you are. Can I tell you that? You're a great audience. And you know how I can tell? Cause I can feel your energy. Yes, that's what it is. EN-ER-GEE! Well, here we are. Another great show, another great venue. Fantastic! Where are we? I get so confused these days. All a part of the business I guess and what a business it is, let me tell you! So let's go. Let's get on with it. Let's get the old ball rollin' so to speak, in a word, to coin a phrase....Time to move! [PAUSE] umm...this is great! I feel I need to say that. Really great! Oh. Sorry. Intro's. Betty-Jo. Betty-Jo Bullthwaite. But I don't need to tell y'all that, do I? No, course not. And you are? [BREAK] No, don't tell me. You know who you are, that's the important thing. We understand each other here. We're all friends. Some of us. I feel I can talk to you. I'm relaxed. We're easy. Laid back. Mellowed out and you know where I'm coming from! [PAUSE] Look, can I be a bit honest with you? I'm just a little bit off the face of the Earth at the moment. You know, out of my tree. Off with the pixies. Truth is, I'm not completely with it at the moment. See I took half a pack of No-Dose 3 days ago and I haven't been to sleep in 48 hours. I guess you could say I've been a bit depressed of late and I guess you may have also noticed that I'm up here by myself. See, I know a lot of you were expecting to see the rest of my family up here tonight. Believe me, no-one was expecting it more than I! Let's see. How do I explain this without sounding cold? They're dead! That's it. Dead...Finito...Unliving... Terminated. Up amongst the great woollies and I don't mean sheep fucking, either! Oops. Sorry. Slip of the tongue. I meant clouds. [PAUSE] Horrible, terrible accident. As y'all know, we travel around a bit. Well, did. And normally, we all like to go in the same vehicle. It being an old converted school bus. Been travelling 'round in that there bus for near on 12 years and never had no problems. Well, what happens is this. [PAUSE] It's a bad time for me at the moment, ladies. Let's just say that and be done with it. Now, normally at a time like this I like to lay down in the dark for a couple of hours and tear the veneer off the headboards! But we had this show to do which you are all reaping the benefits of, right at this very minute. So rather than travel down on the bus with my family, including my husband Terry, I decides to take the train. One of them there XPT's or as we like to call them. Ecchs-Pa-Tooee. Have you ever travelled in one of them things? Oh, honey, it's an experience! One half the train facing one way. The other half facing the other and all the staff standing 'round looking like stand-ins at a cow pat convention. And the men is so mean and ugly; honey, they move in next door to you and ya' lawn's gonna die! Anyway, low and behold, my train crashes into our bus on a level crossing! Well, all my family are killed instantly. All my brothers. Billy Dean, Bobby Dean, Bo Dean, Jimmy Dean. And all my sisters. Noreen, Doreen, Maureen, Shirlene, Terylene, Gaberdine and Narelle. All completely splattered. And me being the only kin in the near vicinity, I gets to identify the bodies. Never seen so many half-filled garbage bags in my life! Put me off casserole's for a week, it does. And that's not all. Then they goes'n asks me if'n I want to CLAIM the bodies once I've assembled all the assorted bits and pieces! I tell you. I was NOT in a good mood! [PAUSE] Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking how can she talk about her family as if they were strangers. Well, that's what they were. Total and complete strangers. Ever since I decided to take off on my own. Well, not completely on my own. I did have the help of my ex-friend Alma May Furkenblad. We were together 6 months as a duet before Alma-May had her woman's problems and could no longer perform our highly athletic and intricately tasteful 'Bush Babies Go Broadway" which required no less than 26 somersaults of varying degrees and several live chickens. Most of them stage trained. The reason she is my ex-friend is that as soon, as she got better she decided on a solo career. Went off and played all over the world. London, Paris, New York, France. Bitch keeps sending me postcards telling me how successful she's become. Well I decided to go out on my own, too! Played all the big centres. Dubbo Bowls. Armidale Leagues. Even Tamworth's famous Dropped Guts Hotel. [PAUSE] But let me tell you something. It's been hell! I don't know where I found the strength to carry on. At the time I could have just faded away. Another tired old broken down Country and Western singer slumped over a Creme De Menthe and Coke, hold the ice. But I didn't. Just when I was ready to throw in the short time towel, I met Ned. Ned was my first husband. Only man I ever truly loved. And believe me I've had a few. [PAUSE] Well, 30 or 40. But it's not like I fall in love everyday. But when Ned walked into my life I thought this was it! Finally I could get my life together. Now there was someone strong behind me. To guide me like. Oh I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "What the hey does this little lady need anyone for? Take care of herself, for Chrissakes." Well, I thought that too! But Ned, well he just swept me off my feet, fired my lousy agent and took me in his big beautiful hands. Handled all my affairs. Balanced the books, paid the band. [BEAT] God rest them! Of course I was ready to settle down and pump out a few kids. But Ned said no, we had plenty of time for that later. And I guess he was right. [PAUSE] Then he goes and gets hisself killed one night on a level crossing. That's right. Another XPT! Ploughed right through him. And his beautiful body. What a waste. [PAUSE] Police said he was with a woman and they were both drunk. Went parking on the main western line between Blayney and Parkes or wherever it was. [BEAT] Probably hitch-hiker stranded somewhere, don't ya' think? Ned just out to help. He was like that. [PAUSE] Hell, I thought he was at his mother's. [PAUSE] So I thought, what's the point in living anymore. May as well go back to the family...which is the closest thing to death, anyway. So we're travelling around a bit when all of a sudden I gets this phone call out of the blue. From the train driver! Wants to take me out! Make it up to me for killing Ned! So I thought, well okay. At least I'm getting dinner out of it which is more'n I ever got out of Ned! But this guy, you know, like he's so depressed and everything. Kept goin' on about how terrible he felt 'n all. For the accident and everything. We goes out for a little while and well, it was okay. [PAUSE] Then he goes and gets hisself run over by his own train! Guess he couldn't take the strain of all them level crossings. Apparently XPT drivers all have a morbid fear of level crossings. I can understand it I guess. [PAUSE] Oh, I know what you're thinking now! You're thinking "Why doesn't she get on with it. Get on with her life, for chrissakes." Well, I did try, I did! I thought, God's not gonna give ol' Betty Jo any more of a hard time, is he? I mean, this bitch has suffered enough already, hasn't she? I mean, HASN'T SHE?!!! [PAUSE] So I decided to do something positive. I decided to go to America. The good old US of A. Right over there to Nashville. Now I know a few of you been wonderin' where I got this very lifelike accent from, seeing as I was only over there for nine weeks total. But as soon as I gets there I realise a girl ain't gonna get on in the business, lessen she sounds right. So I had me some of them there lessons from this little lady I met one night at the Oprey who specialised in helping girls such as myself get on in the business. And for just $200 besides! I thought at least I'll have something to show for it once I get home. And here I am! And there are all of you! I gotta get me a picture of this. [SHE PICKS UP A SMALL CAMERA AND AIMS IT AT THE AUDIENCE] Oh, dear. Y'all seem to be a bit wide. Can everyone lean in towards the centre a bit? I'll see if I can fit y'all in. [SHE SWEEPS ACROSS THE AUDIENCE WITH THE CAMERA] Oh dear, we seem to be getting away from the plot, a bit, don't we? So what now? Oh, that's right. A song! That's what y'all came to hear, ain't it? Yeah? Well, just 'cause all my family's dead don't mean we can't have a good time. Okay, this next number's a beaut little ditty, penned by my daddy [PAUSE] and he wrote it just for me. An' it's called "Just Because I Am A Cripple Don't Mean I Don't Wanna Dance With You." [TO DWAYNE] Okay, honey, hit it! And y'all clap along if'n you know the words, okay?

JUST BECAUSE I AM A CRIPPLE

I guess you're wonderin' how I'm feeling today
Well I suppose you could say I've felt much worse
But I now that would be lying
'Cause times, they have been trying
And to top it off I've gone and got the curse

But I'll make do with your sweetness and your sunshine
Now don't we make a right on pretty pair
What's the matter, where you going?
Please don't leave me this way
I need someone behind to push the chair

[SPOKEN] You know, girls, it's hard being a woman
But you know you gotta do the best you can
And if sometimes life's a bitch
Pray like fuck that he'll be rich
And remember girls,
SIT BY YOUR MAN

BETTY JO
Boy, that song does something to me. Don't it do something to you? Yeah, I knew it would. You see a lot Of people dismiss country and western music, can you believe that? Seem to think it's kind of trivial. But that's because they're blind to it, don't you see? Country music is about us. It's about people...and things. It's about life. Why, you just have to read the lyrics to know that people have got a story to tell in every one of them there songs. All you gotta do is take the time to listen. I mean there's everything in them. Love, pain, death, misery, happiness...death, little dogs dying, cancer....death. I mean, to fully appreciate country music you got to know about suffering. That's why it takes a special kind of singer to sing one of these here songs. You just can't go headlong into singing something like this without any experience! I mean "Hey True Blue". Why, the man that sang that must have been going through hell! [PAUSE] And now he's putting us through it! So we can understand the deep significance of it's life message. So there it is. To sing, one has to suffer. To love one has to suffer [BEAT] To suffer, one has to suffer! We must all suffer so's we can understand what life's all about......So we don't get ripped off! Well this next song's something that has always been very close to me. It's a little song that I first heard as a little girl when my family were living at the back of the Central West Abattoirs. We used to stand on the porch at 'round about twilight with the smell of the meat works wafting across the valley and my grand-daddy would sing this song to me. Well, actually he didn't really sing it on account of his having one of them there cerebral haemorrhages that made him break wind and forget all our names occasionally and he couldn't really speak properly. He kinda dribbled it but my mamma managed to translate it for me and I don't reckon no SBS interpreter could have done it better and this little song, well it's been with me since way back when. I'd like to do it for you right now. Are y'all comfortable? Good.

A LITTLE BLUE BIRD CALLED PETE

Well, it's twilight time in Nashville
There's the sun beating down in the west
And I turn from my porch and hear from the street
All the sounds that I do love best

'Cause I think of the time when I was so young
And our farm was way out of town
It was kind of hard to make any friends
When there wasn't really anyone around

But one day my daddy said "Sweetheart,
There's something I want you to see"
So I looked in my room and my heart went Kaboom
There was a great big package for me.

Well I picked up that parcel and shook it so hard
Then I put it right down at my feet
I tore off the wrapper and there in a cage
Was a little blue bird called Pete

Well he sang and he sang all the day and all night
He sang like a bird, proud and free
But my daddy would bang on the walls all the time
You know I think he was jealous of me

Then one day little Pete, he stopped singing
"He's got a cold" my daddy would say
He'd sit on his swing and would not move a wing
You know I knew he'd get tired one day

Five years had passed and while cleaning my room
When under my bed I did find
A pile of bird seed about two foot deep
I must say I was really quite surprised

So I went and I looked in my little bird's cage
On his perch was my sweet little Pete
But when I looked right down, my mouth hit the ground
He was staple gunned right through the feet

MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE JUICE

I've never met a man like you before you're different from the rest
It's not your club foot or the hump that's on your back
Nor the leg that you've got missing though I must say you're a sight
But I knew one day we'd hobble down love's track

My daddy was impressed, I could see it in his eyes
When you threw up on his shirt front as you ate
When you broke wind, belched and kicked the dog and when dessert arrived
You dropped your pants and stuck it in the cake

Now the years have passed and though some other limbs have gone their way
We have managed to save our marriage with all our might
Everyday I wake with mortal dread and I pull back on the sheets
To see if anything has dropped off in the night

TEAR DROPS ON MY PILLOW AND BEER STAINS IN MY HEART

How am I ever gonna tell him
The deep feelings I have in my heart
It's like knowing that there's dog poop on your slippers
It's like trying to get the Red Sea to part

I'm a woman with a love that's still worth giving
He's a man but he doesn't want to know
If only I could get him alone with me
Then I'm sure that something would grow

[SPOKEN]
But he's careless and he don't see that I'm hurting
Still he loves though sometimes it doesn't show
If only I could find a way to tie the bugger down
If only I had a gun then he'd know

BETTY JO
I reckon I need me a drink after that lot. Excuse me for a moment. [SHE DRINKS FROM A HIP FLASK] I wonder if it matters whether I'm on medication or not. Probably not. You know, you must have gathered by now from the way I express myself in my songs that I am a deeply religious person and there's something I just gotta speak up about because I know that I can talk to you in spite of the fact that I am slightly drugged to the hilt. It's something that's been happening in the United States that I feel, in my duty as a good Christian woman, I should speak up about. It's religious persecution and it's happening right now. The unbelievers are tormenting the souls of God's children, spreading lies and scandal, using cheap and nasty tricks that only the lowest form of human beings would dare to resort to. Or members of the Liberal Party. Satan's jewelled crown is looking for a new bauble to dangle between the legs of self-righteousness. But I am here to stop this thrush in the mouth of life. This canker in the sore of humanity. This gilbert in the nostril of goodness. I am here to defend the actions of a soldier in a modern holy war because I have known personally this victim of Beelzebub and I am not ashamed to say that I have been intimate with him on more than just a spiritual level. It was more than just a quickie in the back of seat of a four wheel drive...although that was part of it. But I think you can really get to know a person in twenty minutes and it doesn't take a surgical drill to see the inner-most working cogs of the human heart and I'm speaking out now because...because I know is suffering. When I first met him I was on my pilgrimage to Nashville as I had mentioned earlier. It was a cold and dark night as I was bending over in the car park of a seven eleven store trying to pick up a bulk pack of albino Vita Brits, if you know what I mean, ladies, and just as I reached for them I felt his hand reach out and a warmness seemed to fill me. Right there in the car park! Filled my entire being, it did. I was touched by the faith. I turned around and there he stood like a vision in the dark. Now I don't want to tell you what happened next because it was too special for words and I would not dare to betray his confidence. But now I read what has happened to him I just gotta say....I am with you, Jimmy! I don't believe any of those nasty stories they're telling all the world about you, saying you embezzled all that money and that you slept with a tramp. How can they believe a woman like that, anyway? They're saying that you have been intimate with others as well, including, God forbid, men! Well I don't believe that! They used to say the same thing about my little brother Bo Dean. Just because he liked to do macrame and collect Judy Garland records. But he was a real man. You just have to ask his flatmate David. They did everything together. They were the butchest things on earth. Used to go bowling and everything. Even belonged to a club that helped to encourage other young men. The Friends Of Dorothy, I think they called it. No-one ever called them sissies! If they did well, they just turned the other cheek. They were real men, I believe. Just like I believe in you. I'm not gonna listen to people who say that you and Tammy ripped off a lot of people, that she was heartless and that you'd fuck a hole in a doughnut. No. I'm not gonna listen to the gutter mongers! I'm gonna pray for you. [GETS AN IDEA] We're all gonna pray for you. All my friends here, we're gonna pray that you come through this okay. Friends I want you all to join hands with the person nearest to you. It doesn't matter if you don't know them. It doesn't matter if their hands are hairy..or sweaty like this man here. In the eyes of God, we're all equal. Some of us even more so. Let's pray. Dear God, it's just little old me. Betty Jo Bullthwaite. Now I know you probably got your hands full at present trying to put the pieces of my family back together again, in more ways than just a spiritual sense, at least so you've got something to hang the wings off but I was wondering if you could find it in your heart to take time out from blue tacking the family and take a good look down at our poor Jimmy and Tammy. They've had a rough trot of late...just like most of the audience here by the looks of it, but deep down, they're good people. So please, won't you help them? Please be the cool comforting cream of compassion on their anal warts of worry....Thank you.

GETTING IT ON WITH GOD

Friends I want to tell you a little story if I may
'Bout a boy who never did as he was told
He would always be a'sinnin', he was always telling lies
Until Jesus made him join the heavenly fold

He drove his mamma crazy, his daddy to the grave
I guess it's quite a sorry little tale
He liked to do strange things to little birds and little Frogs
The things he did with gaffer tape Oh Lord
It would turn you pale

But one day as he was filling up his cat with wet cement
There came a mighty voice from far away
It said "Son, put down that pussy cat. This message is Heaven sent.
Prepare Yourself. It now is judgement day"

"You see I've been watching you closely and I don't like what I see
You've gone and done some really disgusting things
And what you do to little guinea pigs with sticky tape and a knife
Well it's enough to make an Ayatollah cringe

Well the boy just stood there defiantly. He said "You cannot frighten me
I'm not one tiny bit scared of you"
But as he stood there with his mouth agape hHe was suddenly silenced quick
By a great big lump of pink and purple poo.

The next day when the storm had passed and people were amazed
By the twenty tons of manure out on the street
It was pink and purple, steaming high but the strangest thing of all
Was that out of it were sticking two small dead feet

Now the moral of this story friends is very plain to see
Be always good and heed the heavenly word
Or the Big guy's not gonna like you and you'll learn to rue the day
And you'll get a load dumped on you
From the holy heavenly herd

If you're gonna be evil to the core
You better watch the devil by your side
He's got his red hot poker in his hand
And where he aims it will send you wild
But when that soothing feeling's started in you
You know you've been touched by Heaven's rod
And well, your eyes are gonna bug out
'Cause your getting it on with God
 

BETTY JO

Jim and Tammy, keep the faith 'cause we is praying for you. Now I reckon it's about time I had me a little break and I reckon it's about time you had one too. So y'all hang in there till I gets back and just rest those sphincters 'cause this next half is gonna blow your gumboots clear out the window.

END PART ONE
 

PART TWO

BETTY JO ENTERS WEARING A LATIN AMERICAN COSTUME COMPLETE WITH FRUIT BOWL ON HER HEAD

THE LATIN AMERICAN WAY

Way down in Argentina
There's a girl called Serafina
So pretty
She was like a goddess
Although so very modest,
What a pity
All the boys would come and woo her
And some of them said they would screw her some day
But they would melt when she did say
I'll only do it
In the Latin American way

[BRIDGE] She thought to herself, surely this is the one. He must be a deli of fun,
He knew well this game
He had had uglier dames
As he stepped from the dark she turned round and she grabbed at his pants, knocked him straight to the ground
As she tore at his love log she screamed and did say
Do it to me you bastard in the Latin American way

But the night was a failure I'm sorry to say
For his passion would not rise in any old way
Though she laboured
He could not get it up with 400 tugs
Like a slug who's gone and O.D'd on drugs
She was degraded

He said "Don't blame yourself, it's not you, it's me
You tried your hardest, but it ain't hard you see 'cause I'm gay!
And unless you can change from a she to a he
Give it up and go home, you've got nothing for me
See there's only one way I can play
When I do it with men in the old fashioned Greek kind of way

But don't cry for him, Serafina
Just because he was not a hetero

When the mercury boils on the hot summer days
You can see all the young men expiring
When the streets are all empty and dogs lie asleep
And a lot of old people are dying
That is the time I love best
'Cause I hate to rest
And I really detest a siesta

I just put on my slinkiest gown and high heels
And I stand by the street corner store
And all the young men, they drift by and they say
Poor Conchita, she is such a whore
I admit it is sometimes a test
But I hate to rest
And I really detest a siesta

After our passion had finally abated! he dressed
And he said that he'd call
So I waited six weeks
[PAUSE]
But I didn't get one message at all

After a time I was feeling inclined
To sunbake by the blue stretch of ocean
When I noticed some blisters in very strange places
Coming right through the white sun tan lotion

I was scratching so much it was driving me mad
I just couldn't work out what to do
So I went to the doctor and my mouth hit the floor
When he said "Girl, you've got Simplex 2"

And the reason I'm telling you
This my dear friend
Is you think that it's all for the best
Well I'm telling you now
That's much more than that
I think you should go have a test

And there is just one small tiny catch [catch, catch]
That itch you're starting to scratch [scratch, scratch)
It's a present you see
Made with love just from me
And your love life will be such a mess [such a mess]

'Cause you're really gonna need while you're starting to bleed
Yes, you're really gonna need a siesta

BETTY JO
Well that's enough foreign tongue for one day, if you'll pardon the expression. You know, I feel a costume change coming on. Dwayne...Entertain the masses.

SHE EXITS. DWAYNE STARTS TO SING STAND BY YOUR MAN. JUST AS HE REACHES THE REPEAT OF THE CHORUS BETTY JO STORMS IN AND STEALS THE ENTIRE NUMBER.

BETTY JO
Thank you, thank you. You know, I'm feeling kinda light-headed at the moment. I have a feeling I shouldn't have mixed those No-Doze with the whiskey cause it seems to have reacted with my asthma spray and I am feeling slightly wobbly as well. But y'all don't have to worry cause I still have my bearings. [SHE PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF AMYL AND TAKES A BIG SNIFF, THEN STAGGERS AROUND A BIT] I will carry on like a real trooper. Now, before I go on rattling like an old moll at a christening I want to introduce you to a little friend of mine. He's my guiding light at present. My beacon of sanity. My rigid pole of power. My staff of strength and my muscle of love. Just when I was at my lowest ebb I'd just have to look down at my feet and there he'd be at my feet with that little bloodshot gleam in his eyes and I'd know that everything was gonna be alright. He's been with me ever since I got out of hospital. In fact, that was where we first met, wasn't it, honey? You were being treated for some infection, I think. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to give a warm yet restrained round of applause to my accompanist and one of my dearest and closest friends now that I have lost all my family. Mr...what was your name again, dear? Oh, yes, Mr Dwight Sticky...er Sorry, Dwayne Hickey. Isn't he a gem, ladies? Just look at those eyes. Why, when they're going in the same direction he can be downright appealing, in a spooky kind of way. Y'all better watch yourself, Dwayne honey. They're are a few rabid eyes out there who look like they'd pounce on the first bit of available flesh you happened to wave in the air. Some of them look like they'd sever a major artery just to be with you. Oh, and there's some real nasty looking ones up there. Look like feral pigs in frocks! Razorbacks in heels, we used to call them. Oh, Dwayne, honey, your dance card's gonna be filled for quite some time. I can just see it. Oh, look. He's gone all shy. Isn't that too much! Now I want to recount to you little story that I heard not so long ago. See, there's this woman and she's giving birth on the delivery table. Well out the baby plops quicker'n a maggot on a barbecue. All of sudden the doctor goes "Oh wow!" He picks up the baby, bounces it around the room, slaps it against the wall, bangs it on the ceiling and drops it straight into the waist paper bucket. The woman screams out "My baby, my baby!" and the doctor says "April fool, it was still born anyway!" [PAUSE] Now don't try to hide your smiles. I know a few of you liked that story. That's one thing God gave all of us. The ability to laugh at the misfortune of others. Why, every time I walk down the street and I see someone in a wheelchair I just break out in a smile. Because that's the kind of girl I am. I know that we were put on this earth for one thing. To follow God's plan. I know that He is a loving God. So what if He throws a spanner in the works occasionally like that spastic Fred Vile and his Festival of Farts. He can afford to stuff things up when he wants to. He needs something to laugh at as well, don't he? But as usual, some dweebie is gonna mis-interpret his word and those type of people are about as relevant to religion as an Alan Jones tour of great British Bogs I have Known and Loved! One thing I noticed when I was over there in the U.S. of A was the amount of churches that they got over there and some of the stupid things people do in the name of religion, some only fit for the outer paddock of a sheep station....or a National Party Conference. One thing I found quite fascinating was the Southern Baptist Snake Handlers. Hands up if you've heard of them. Anyone? They're the folks that use deadly vipers to test their faith. It's just plain incredible. They really believe in the power of God so they tempt fate by rubbing them nasty old things all over their bodies, screaming about the power of Jesus being inside 'em. Occasionally one drops dead from a bite from one of those things. If that ain't tempting God, I don't know what is. But lately I myself have begun to question my faith. Especially after all the level crossing accidents that seem to have written off a great percentage of my husbands, beaus and family. I have begun to wonder if God really did exist or he's just some fagment of my homogenisation.... er...figment.... oh, you know what I mean. There have been many questions on my mind. Does he care whether we really live or die or are we just prawns in his game of life for him to play around with? Does he like Country and Western music? Does he know all the words to Me And Bobby McGee. I wonder. But I am sure that if I show him I am serious then maybe, just maybe, he will be good to me and stop sending all those God-damn XPT trains along. So I have decided to test my faith. [SHE PICKS UP A SMALL CLOTH BAG AND REMOVES A RUBBER SNAKE] Now, I don't want any of you to be afraid. The way to test all our faiths is to just believe. Believe in the power of Jesus Christ our saviour and he will turn the serpents away from our veins. There's no need to feel frightened. He is with us. But only if you believe. Do you believe? Do you? Answer me, you sons of bitches! Do you feel the power inside you? [PAUSE] That was pathetic. You is all gonna burn in hell. [SHE RUBS THE SNAKE UP AND DOWN HER ARMS] What's that? Of course it's a rubber snake. I am allergic to reptile skin. I can't pick up a blue tongue skink without breaking out and looking like a custard apple. But He will know that I am honourable in my intentions. And as you can see I have not been struck down so I must be okay in his eyes. He only sticks it to the unbelievers. [ SHE RUBS IT ON DWAYNE'S ARM] Nothing can harm those that are good deep down. [DWAYNE FALLS INTO A DEAD FAINT] He knows everything. Oh shit! Dwayne, honey, you must be exhausted. You need a rest. [HE RECOVERS] That's enough. Let's get into a little bit of mood music. Dwayne honey, drag those gnarled little digits across those guitar strings and we'll finger their funnels of feelings. And from the looks on some of these sour old pusses I'd say at least three quarters of them ain't had their funnels fingered in a hell of a long time. And Dwayne, honey, try to keep your stumps off the minor chords. This here's suppose to be a happy song.

DADDY TELL ME IF YOU CAN

I'm a simple country girl
With lots of questions on my mind
And I'm not afraid to ask them here today
Ever since I was knee high
To the dog box by the door
My Daddy always cringed at what I'd say

I'd ask him
Daddy why do birds sings
Why is the sky so blue
Why do dogs bark and why do I smell of fish
He'd turn to me and say
"Well that's just the way things are
And in real life it's hard to get your wish"

I asked him
Daddy why does grandma
Break wind when she smiles [He said]
Don't worry, she won't be here very long
I said "Why? Is she going away?"
But I had to leave the room
Because Grandma's smell had gotten far too strong

Well your Mamma was a lonely gal
She needed lots of love
I gave her all I had and nothing more
But she was a sleazy bag wash,
A filthy, rotten sullen bitch
And I don't want to talk again about that whore

Just because I had a small one
The size of a champignon
She broke my heart and never will it mend
I could live with all the shame
If it wasn't for the fact
That she's sleeping now with her closest female friend!

BETTY JO
Oh, I know exactly how that little girl feels. Sometimes life is a real mystery to me. There are so many heartless and cruel people on this earth that everyday it becomes more difficult to walk down the street without wanting to pull out a flame thrower and mow down the nearest school excursion group. Not that I have anything against kids as such. Heaven forbid, that is not in my nature. But every now and then when I have had a particularly heavy day and I'm standing in a bus with a bunch of the little yummies enjoying the seats I sometimes have the overpowering urge to put an ice pick through the nearest infantile spinal column. Does that make me harsh? I don't think it does. It makes me human, I believe. Sometimes we have a right to be angry. God knows I have plenty of reasons when I think of all the body bags my family are at present occupying. Makes me think I should carry around an extra pack of Glad bags just in case any of my friends start to look slightly peaky. Of course there are some who deserve a good dose of metal under their vertebrae. Alma May Furkenblad to name just one. Now I know that I wasn't going to mention that woman's name again but I swear she is going out of her way to haunt my every waking moment. The nerve of her sending me postcards. Why, I swear that woman has no humility and absolutely no sense of restraint. Well you just have to look at her clothes to see that. I wouldn't be at all surprised if'n she turned up at my family's funeral and subsequent beer bash wearing her latest Paris original in a pathetically feeble effort to flaunt her wealth and justify her putrid and paltry existence. But no matter how you look at it, she ain't gonna look anything less than a rhino wrapped in tarpaulin and it don't matter how careful you wrap dog turd, it's still gonna smell the same in the heat of the day. Everything I wear is creating a statement. The only statement she'll ever create with her wardrobe is a primal scream. But far be it for me to judge. Oh, I know what you're thinking now. You're thinking "Come on Betty Jo. You don't need to do this. You don't need to run someone down just because the woman has no real direction in life. That she lacks the moral fibre and integrity to realise she's just plain scum and an evil and jealous bitch. You don't need to lower yourself to her gutter chewing level".....The hell I don't! I'd like to give her a swift kick to her back box! But I am above all that because I know that deep down I have more talent in one strand of my sun bleached pubic hair than she has in her whole miserable, seething with rampant jealousy, body. Alma May Furkenblad is just one more short and curly in the Vaseline jar of life. We are all bound to cop one on a cold sore eventually. Now I want to tell you all about my new boyfriend. His name's Bobby del Vecchio. He's the regional rodeo champion for the upper north west. He also happens to be an ambulance driver. That's how I first met him. He attended my family's accident. How's that for perfect timing? I guess you'd have to put it down to just plain old fashion fate. Now you're probably thinking to yourselves that maybe it's a bit soon to start thinking about having a boyfriend seeing as I only lost my second husband Terry three days ago but I believe that not only have you gotta grab life with both hands you gotta take advantage of death too! Otherwise you're gonna end up sitting on the porch at forty, growing crust on a couple of vital organs. I haven't really talked much about Terry. I guess unconsciously I've been trying to blot his memory out of my mind. Now that I come to think of it I probably started doing that the day we got married. Well I knew it was mistake the first time I saw him naked. It's not that he wasn't a great lover or anything. He wasn't but it's not that. It's just that, well, physically compared to Ned, Terry was kinda short changed in the old equipment department, if you know what I mean. He was what we girls used to refer to in school as hung like a budgie. Not that that bothers me or anything. Heaven forbid. Hands up all those in the audience with small peckers. Now come on, there ain't no need to feel shy. You is amongst friends. [TO AUDIENCE] Does it bother you having a small one? [PAUSE] Hell, maybe it should! But after all I am a woman in the prime of my ever flowing juices and sometimes after a pretty heavy gig with the band, my adrenalin would be a'pumpin' and Terry would become quite amorous but our love making was like a lawn mower. Two strokes and it's off! One thing I will say for him though, when we first got married he did try to improve the quality of our love making. I had heard of this sex stimulant. Phemor...er...pheromones. Something like that. Apparently human beings have them. There's artificial ones you can buy from livestock stores. They use 'em on hogs to make them breed better. Well I sprayed some on Terry's pillow. He still got done in ten seconds then he went out and rolled in the mud. After a few months even that dropped off. He was just not rising to the occasion if you know what I mean. But I guess I should have known we were heading for disaster when he told me he was going in for one of those gender re-assessments! Well of course I didn't know what the hell he was talking about! Until I came home early one day and found him in my green chiffon bridesmaid dress that I used for Noreen, Doreen and Maureen's weddings. And the worse thing was.. he looked better in it than I ever did! Well, being the understanding bitch that I was I let him go off and have the whole thing done....You know, all pipes relayed, all on site rubbish removed. He went and got himself arrested and sent to jail so we wouldn't have to pay for it. When he finally got out I didn't recognise him. He sure looked pretty. Except for the tattooed tear drop on his cheek. And he made a lot of friends in there. Big hairy friends! Well he came back to the band and went from steel guitar to back-up singer. He didn't sing too well but the choreography sure improved. But now that's all by the by. I was telling you about Bobby del Vecchio. Ain't it a sweet name? Here's a song just for him.

THUNDER

Well my heart's been a'pumping
Like a big old yellow dog
Since I first laid my bloodshot eyes on you
I swore I'd never fall in love again
But it seems I've gone astray
And I think you've gone and fallen for me too

All my friends say you're lonely
Since your mamma passed away
I know just how sad that tale can be
But don't you worry your pretty head
'Cause our lovin's on the rise
And my ample breasts are gonna set you free

And if you ever find that life
Is sometimes getting on top of you
Just you beat a golden pathway to my door
I will love you on a table
Or hanging from a chandelier
You can dive bomb from the wardrobe
You can chain me to the floor

A CHRISTMAS STORY

It was on a cold and snowy December night in Redfern as the clock was about to strike midnight and all the festive revellers had vacated the streets long ago in order to be home in their snug little cottages and all the little children were snug in their beds, sleeping bags or sheets of newspaper. All except little Beulah who could not sleep very well on account of the soft gentle hum of her kidney machine and the excitement of perhaps finding her new dolly; the one she had asked Santa for, for the previous 6 years running and was still hopeful of getting. From the street she could hear the local council street cleansing department, busy washing away the streamers, cans and blood from the gutters outside the Railway hotel after yet another joyous celebration and the fire department had dowsed the flames to the most recently vacated yuppie household. Beulah had so looked forward to this day ever since she could remember. She longed so much to be like all the other little boys and girls in her street. Her little dog Spot, who unfortunately had been gathered up from the gutter one day by a large street sweeper when he wasn't looking, now lay in his basket by her bed, his single remaining paw hanging over the edge of the pillow she had made for him with her feet. Her loving old grandma snored gently; her wrinkled old weather beaten face clinging to the lino on the kitchen floor. The cold night air tightened the skin on her left side which had been paralysed since the stroke which stopped her jumping up as well as she once did at the local Bingo meetings. Grandma always slept on the kitchen floor on Thursdays because it was her turn. Beulah's mummy and daddy had just gone to sleep. Beulah's daddy liked to bounce her mummy's head off the skirting boards before falling into his own vomit but they knew that this was a special night so all had retired early to await Santa's arrival and the annual police raid the next morning. It was such a pity that daddy had forgotten to take the cigarette out of his hand before nodding off but more about that later. As Beulah lay on her slab she thought she heard a noise from above the house. It was the sound of bells and could it be...Yes! It sounded like hooves. Beulah hoped the roof would be strong enough to hold such weight even though daddy had just put on the new corrugated iron roof that he had brought home from his work. The little girl was so excited her kidney machine spluttered into warp speed. At last she was going to get her dolly. Spot looked up from his basket and sensing the joy in the little girl, got so excited himself, he lost control of his bodily functions and made a small puddle on the floor. Suddenly there was a large crack which sounded to Beulah just like a reindeer hoof going right through the kitchen ceiling. And do you know what it was?......It was a reindeer hoof going through the kitchen ceiling.....followed by the rest of a reindeer which proceeded to free fall onto grandma who suffered her second and most fatal cerebral haemorrhage. Tommy rushed into Beulah's room to see if she was alright but he misjudged his entrance and slipped in Spot's puddle. He tried to keep his balance by grabbing onto the side of his sister's kidney machine but with one foot in Spot's puddle he lit up just like a Christmas tree as his eyes bugged out and little strands of smoke came from his ears. Beulah did think he looked rather funny. Suddenly she noticed the room was starting to fill with smoke. Just down the hallway, her daddy and mummy were trying to beat back the flames which had engulfed their bed. But more of that later. Outside a crowd had gathered and were looking into her house. Through the howl of police sirens and flashing blue lights she could see the police asking a large jolly man in a wine stained suit to breath into a little bag. He did look rather funny and yet somehow familiar, thought Beulah but her attention was diverted to the short sharp barking from Spot's basket. She sensed that they were both in trouble and she knew that she had to get out of the house but what could she do? She didn't have any voluntary movement in her legs. Suddenly an idea came to her. She grabbed one of the many tubes attached to her with her teeth and, wrapping it around her arm to make sure it was very tight, she yelled to Spot. "Quick, Spot... walkies!" With that, Spot grabbed the other end of her tube and proceeded to pull her out of her bed. Fortunately she didn't hurt herself because Tommy's lifeless body was there to break her fall. Spot now had a firm hold of her tubes in his mouth and with his one paw managed to move his body like a slug and drag her out of the room, into the smoke filled hallway and down towards her parents room. She lay on her back and gathering all her strength picked up Spot by the collar with her teeth and flung him at her parent's door which burst open only to find that her parents were no longer there. They must have been around though because of the two piles of barbecue beef lying on top of the doona. Quickly she realised that everyone was probably outside waiting to see Santa and they would be so pleased to see her. She aimed Spot and he dragged her towards the front door but just as they both reached it a sharp axe came through, narrowly missing her...and taking off Spot's remaining leg. The door burst open and in poured twenty firemen who trod on Spot as they made their way down the hallway. Still Spot struggled on, dragging her out onto the street where as they rested, his little body heaving with exhaustion, an ambulance backed over him. Beulah looked down the street. There was much mayhem and commotion as people ran to and fro. More police cars arrived only to be greeted by festive revellers showering them with early Yuletide gifts such as building materials, bricks, metal railway stakes and flagons of sparkling Christmas wine which burst into flame as they struck the sides of policemen's heads. As Beulah lay in the gutter she saw some policemen putting Santa into the back of one of their trucks. Obviously they were going to help him with the rest of his deliveries. Sadly it was beyond her little child's imagination to see why three of the reindeer had to be put down right in front of her. The neighbours, sensing her distress, spirited the other reindeer away to become New Years Day venison. Rudolph the Spit Roast Reindeer. It was only out of the corner of her eyes that she saw coming out of the smouldering remains of her house, a fireman carrying a large parcel wrapped in Christmas paper. He lent down, patted her on the head, gave her the parcel then walked away. Quickly she tore off the paper with her teeth to find her lovely dolly, the one she had prayed for, for so many years was now in her limp arms. It was her dolly and it didn't matter that the battery acid had leaked, making the dolly's face look like a Picasso painting with one eye on the neck and a nose like a trunk because it was Christmas morning and it was her dolly and everything was gonna be alright.

A COUNTRY CHRISTMAS

Sometimes when life is looking like it's gonna be passing you by
And those Yuletide greetings fall on life's deaf ears
If on Wintry evenings you despair 'cause you're in your kinky-est underwear
Just be happy there's no-one 'round to say you're queer

Well look over near the mistletoe there's arms just aching for love
I'll be waiting to share my dreams with you
We'll dance and spin right out the door and if you vomit on the kitchen floor
I'll kiss you deep and you can kiss me too

BETTY JO
Thank you, thank you and thank you! Now I hope that song helped you to get into a bit of a festive spirit. And if'n you can't find it in your hearts to even get just a little bit of that true country Christmas feeling; if life is getting you down; if you're old and hagged and talentless like Alma May Furkenblad, well don't despair. There's always someone to turn to .......Just don't come running to me 'cause I got enough problems of my own! And now you're probably gonna ask yourself "What's to become of Betty Jo now that she's lost her family, her friends, her husbands....and her band?! Where will she go to from here? Will she just pack up and fade away, never to be heard from again!!!? [PAUSE THEN QUIETLY] Yep. I mean I have had it up to here. No more of this shit! Betty Jo can do better than slogging her tits off in some scummy bowling club for nothing but a few cheap drinks and drunks! She's gonna DO something with her life. She's gonna be....she's gonna be....a secretery!...[CORRECTING HERSELF] Secretary! Great career. Secure position. Nine to five. Yessiree! Sharpen those pencils, make that coffee. Take a letter, Miss Bullthwaite. Yes sir! Lick that stamp, mail that cheque, weigh that package, miss that bus, sit on that knee, kiss that boss, screw that client, work like a dog and lose that soul!.....No!..... You see, it's me...little Betty Jo Bullthwaite. And I'm a singer. [MORE DEFIANTLY] I'm a singer, do you hear me?! So you can keep your lousy nine to five, sit on my knee, shit in a bucket, two bit job. I'm a singer! And the rest of the world can get fucked! Because I swear.........as God is my witness [THEME FROM GONE WITH THE WIND] as long as I have breath in my body I will never be poor nor hungry again! As God is my witness.

A BRIGHT AND SHINING STAR

I've been thrown down and stepped on and beaten
More times than I care to count
I've been scalded, and pistol whipped
Kicked by a horse and I've cried
I've had good times and bad times
And in between sad times
But when all is said and done I can still say I tried

BETTY JO
What is it? Oh, Christ. Another postcard from Alma May. "Dear Betty Jo. I have decide to write to you my very last postcard. The reason I am doing this is because I had heard what happened to your family and thought it was about time to bury the hatchet." I'd like to bury one in her head! "I'm also doing this is because I have decided to forgive you for all that you've done over the years and I wanted to let you know that I am engaged to be married to man I have known for the past six months." Oh, shit. Again? "Hope that you get what you deserve and I really mean that. The next time you hear from me I will be Mrs Bobby del....BOBBY DEL VECCHIO!!???

SHE SCREWS UP THE LETTER AND SMILES
 

REPRISE: LITTLE BIT OF COUNTRY

It's a little bit hard
It's a little bit good
It's a little bit of trying to pull your finger out
And live life as you should
But then that feeling over-comes me totally
Don't it make you do that too?
Well there's a little bit of country in me
And there's a little bit of count, count count
Country in you

It's a little bit hard
It's a little bit good
It's a little bit of trying to pull your finger out
And live life as you should
But then that feeling over-comes me totally
Don't it make you do that too?
Well there's a little bit of country in me
And there's a little bit of count, count count
Country in you
 
 

END

I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD

I believe that there's a time to be quite humble
For each and every man and woman in this world
When you feel the weight of love upon your shoulder
See it in the eyes of every boy and girl

Well I guess I'm one of many who have seen love slip away
When the love you have doesn't want to grow
When you curl it in a ball
Watch it splat against the wall
And no matter how hard you wash it, the stain still shows
 

The day you left me standing on the porch front
As I stood there, the tears rolling down my face
My mascara ran like skid marks of love across my cheek
Our love land had turned to such a waste

And I don't believe that I should still be hurtin'
'Cause the years pass and still I feel the pain
And though I'm not the one to bear a grudge
I'm going out to buy me a gun
And I'll make you see the error of your ways