Behind You, Behind You!
by steven dawson
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Behind You, Behind You! © Copyright 2003. Steven Dawson
First Performance
January 20th 2004
Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre
Melbourne Midsumma Festival
Shaun Kingma Narrator
Adam Chamberlain Puss
Renee Palmer Princess/Woman
Sean Ladhams King/Old Man/Ogre
Mathew Osborne Son
Bruce Langdon Dame
Directed by Steven Dawson
Produced by Out Cast Theatre
Part One
A CHEESY PAINTED FOREST CLEARING. THE ACTORS START TO COME ON AND WARM UP, PHYSICALLY AND VOCALLY IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE. THEY OCCASIONALLY PEER THROUGH AN IMAGINARY CURTAIN TO SEE IF THE HOUSE IS IN. THEY ARE IN FULL PANTOMIME COSTUME. THERE IS THE ODD IMPROVISED MOMENT, LOOKS BOTH SEXUAL AND MENACING AT EACH OTHER AND GENERAL BANTER
COMPANY
Once upon a time, have you heard this story
Tell it once again and it might just bore me
See the pretty picture
My, what a picture
Never knowing what’s in store
Fractured fairy tales, one Aesop’s fables
Maybe Brothers Grimm have you on the table
Giving you the business
Such a lovely business
And you’ll have to beg for more
There’s the wicked witch she’s just not ugly
You could say she is downright fugly
Rapunzel’s armpit hair was rank to climb
Even Mary, Mary quite contrary
Had a huge ass that was downright scary
In a very happy once upon a time
Here’s a little tale ‘bout a cat in footwear
Such a lousy premise it just might go nowhere
Silly princess
In a bad dress
Thinking she might get paid
There goes the king, tell me what’s his story
Once a mighty ruler, now just horny
Always pervy
Getting nervy
Flashing it to get laid
We’ve got an ogre, downright camp
His arse is mouldy and with rising damp
Not the kind of story if you’re morally inclined
Never said we’d give you a happy ending
It’s all just crap and at times offending
In a very happy once upon a time
But here’s a little thought that we take pride in
The cast is bent and it’s not surprising
Straight and talented, just too hard to find
Even if you don’t get to have some fun
The girls aren’t bad and the boys are hung
In a very happy once upon a
In a very happy once upon a
In a very happy once-u-pon-a-time
[very happy, very very happy, happy once upon a time]
THE NARRATOR ENTERS AND OPENS A LARGE STORY BOOK
NARRATOR
Once upon a time...
A LARGE MUSIC CHORD IS HEARD. THREE MEMBERS OF THE CAST ENTER AND START TO SING THE OPENING FIRST WORDS FROM “INTO THE WOODS”
ALL
I wish!
NARRATOR
Fuck off!
THEY SLINK OFF, MUTTERING UNDER THEIR BREATHS.
NARRATOR
That was a little too close. As I was saying…once upon a time…in a land and time far away…Werribee…there lived a miller…. [THE MILLER ENTERS AND POSES WITH HANDS ON HIPS.] A strong healthy robust sort of a man. Big, strapping, lusty and proud with huge biceps, thighs you could balance a pig on and a huge….well you know the rest. [THE MILLER SLAPS HIS THIGH] That was very good. This big lusty sinewy man had three big strapping sons.
[FROM AUDIENCE] Wait a minute. Sons? What is this shit? Look, I know where this is heading. It’s gonna be another boys thing, isn’t it?
Sorry?
Just another testosterone tripping boys own adventure. Where are the women? I mean I heard the writer was bit of a misogynist but…
NARRATOR
Excuse me but we’re trying to tell a…
What about some strong female representation? A character I can identify with?
We’ve got an ogre later on.
WOMAN
I’ll ignore that. I wanna see a valid female character who isn’t reduced to pathetic housewife or ball-breaking, twin-set wearing power jockey?
NARRATOR
Alright, alright. I get your point. Er…[HE STARTS LOOKING THROUGH HIS BOOK] Actually, there isn’t really anything that says…
WOMAN
I knew it! I want my money back! If you think I’m gonna sit through this then…
NARRATOR
Well, if you feel so strongly then maybe you’d like to take part.
WOMAN
What?
NARRATOR
That’s right. Put up or shut up. Come down here.
SHE COMES DOWN AND STANDS NEXT TO THE NARRATOR
WOMAN
Look I don’t want to upset the apple cart. All I’m saying is so far you haven’t had any strong female role models.
NARRATOR
We’re 3 minutes into the piece. But if you feel so strongly…
TWO CAST MEMBERS ENTER AND QUICKLY THROW A DRESS OVER HER.
WOMAN
Oh, alright. You know…I’ve never actually been onstage before. Sure there was the time I played a tree in a school pageant but I looked more like a Triffid…but everyone said I was very good…
NARRATOR
I’m sure that’s fascinating…to someone. Now if I may continue…
WOMAN
Sure. Go for it. Knock yourself out.
NARRATOR
The miller had a wife….[SHE GLARES AT HIM]…er…partner whom he treated with the respect and dignity that she demanded…er…deserved [STILL GLARING]…and…even though she didn’t need a male to fulfil her role in society and that she could very well have set up a comfortable lifestyle without the validation of a male and may even have decided to settle down with a woman as her life partner, had she so desired. [SHE SMILES] The miller and his partner were killed by an out of control oxen cart carrying non gender specific revellers to the Glasshouse for a fundraiser for starving feminist film-makers who had just had their grants cut.
WOMAN
What the fuck…
THE MILLER DRAGS HER OFF STAGE PROTESTING.
NARRATOR
As I was saying the miller had three strapping sons. Gazza, Wazza and….Maureen. But more about that later. Suffice it to say that the miller left all his worldly goods to be distributed amongst his three sons. To the eldest he gave his mill, to the second son…his ass…it’s a kind of donkey. And to his third son, the youngest and his favourite…
THE YOUNGEST SON ENTERS AND STANDS WAITING FOR HIS BEQUEST.
SON
What? Come on. Tell me. What did the old fart leave me?
NARRATOR
He left…
Yeah, come on. Lay it on me, baby.
He left his cat.
SON
Wonderful. I’ll buy a house, a Jacuzzi and maybe a little sports car so I can park outside the schools and...[BEAT]…Excuse me…did you say cat?
NARRATOR
That’s right. Cat.
SON
What the fuck am I supposed to with a cat?
NARRATOR
Oh, but this isn’t just a cat. This is a special cat.
THE PUSS ENTERS AND STANDS IN PANTO POSE.
PUSS
Hello boys and girls.
THE NARRATOR HOLDS UP A SIGN SAYING “HELLO PUS”
Hello pus!
PUSS
What?
NARRATOR LOOKS AT THE SIGN
NARRATOR
Oh sorry.
HE PULLS OUT A MARKER PEN AND PUTS ANOTHER “S” IN PUSS.
PUSS
Hello everybody!
ALL
Hello Puss!
SON
That’s a cat?
NARRATOR
That’s right.
SON
Bullshit.
NARRATOR
It’s true.
SON
Listen smart-arse, that’s no cat. Just some dickhead in a pair of tights.
NARRATOR
I can assure you it’s a cat.
SON
What do I look like? A NIDA graduate?
PUSS
He wishes.
SON
What kind of idiot do you think I am?
PUSS
I don’t know. What are the choices?
NARRATOR
It’s pretend.
PUSS
That’s right, isn’t it boys and girls. It’s pretend. Can you say that? Pretend.
SON
Can you shut the fuck up!
PUSS
Charming. Just because he misses out on The Producers he thinks he can take it out on…
NARRATOR
If I might continue…The eldest son kept the mill, the second son took his big fat ass…
SON
Milk the joke, why don’t you?
NARRATOR
…and set off in search of his fortune. While the third, the nasty little weedy one with zero imagination or acting ability sat down on a stone, sighed and pondered his fate.
SON
A cat! What the bloody hell am I going to do with that? While my brothers could probably combine their inheritance to run the mill and therefore maintain a steady income I am left with a resource that has a definite use by date. Sure, I could always turn the meat into a nice curry and use the skin for a toilet seat cover…but after that?
NARRATOR
But the cat heard his words and said…
PUSS
Don't worry, young master. Though worth less than a half-ruined mill or a mangy piece of ass…sorry, donkey…give me a cloak, a hat with a feather in it, a bag and a pair of boots, and you will see what I can do.
SON
Ah, so that’s it. You heading down to the docks. You know, you just may be right. In that clobber we might even make a few farthings. And who knows, some of those sailors have been away for months on end. They might even pay a little extra to lick your…
NARRATOR
Puss!…had other ideas. And certainly rent cat was not amongst them.
PUSS
Pervert. No young master. Allow me to use my cunning wiles to make our fortunes and I will make you regret the day you even thought you could eat me.
NARRATOR
The young man, by no means surprised, for it was quite common for cats to talk in those days, gave the cat what he asked for, and as he strode away, confident and cheerful, turned to his young master.
PUSS
Don't look so glum, master. I will return and with our fortunes very much improved.
NARRATOR
The cat walked for hours until soon he came to a clearing. Suddenly he came upon an idea.
PUSS
If I lay this bag down and set out some lettuce leaves and bran I will no doubt trap a rabbit with which I can barter.
NARRATOR
So the cat set his trap. In no time at all a rabbit happened along…
A LARGE STICK EXTENDS ACROSS THE STAGE WITH A STUFFED RABBIT NAILED TO IT.
NARRATOR
The rabbit saw the bran and lettuce leaves and having not fed for quite some time since he’d been stuck to the arse of a sheep on a ship somewhere in the Middle East and was now quite ravenous. No sooner had it started to eat than the cat pulled the strings of the bag shut, trapping the rabbit. But instead of going to the market to barter his catch, the cat had a brilliant idea. Instead he headed off to the palace.
MUSIC FANFARE AS THE SET CHANGES TO THE PALACE.
Their Royal Highnesses King Billie Jean and his virginal daughter [yeah right]…the lovely Brian.
THE KING ENTERS FOLLOWED BY HIS DAUGHTER.
NARRATOR
The King had always wanted a son but alas…
KING
Oh woe tis me. Bad enough that my wife the queen should run off with a lesbian drum ensemble leaving me to rule alone this enormous kingdom and with offspring to raise but now that my life should be almost over, I fear I shall not live to see the day and my darling daughter wed. Not if she doesn’t pull the royal finger out.
PRINCESS
Oh father, do not weep. For though I am single I am but happy.
KING
Ay, tis true. A happier person I have not met. But dearest one, grant your old man a last wish before he is pensioned off and nailed to the knackery wall. Find a love. Find a heart true. Find a fuck for crying out loud.
NARRATOR
The king was a man who spoke his mind.
PRINCESS
Oh, father of the filthy mouth…do not assail me with your pleas for matrimony. For knowest that my life is a pleasant one. No need for a man to fulfil it.
KING
Look out. Here she goes again. But dearest one, do you not seek companionship? What is to happen when I am gone? Will you be content traipsing off every Sunday night to the Glasshouse with your ladies in waiting adorned in the accoutrements of a builders labourer? And what of the people? Are they to be burdened with a spinster for a monarch? Knowest anybody who would be happy being a single queen?
PRINCESS
I can think of a few.
NARRATOR
The King and his daughter argued and argued but both held fast to their opinions. It was only when the cat entered that they ceased.
PUSS ENTERS CARRYING THE BAG
PUSS
Your majesty, I bring you greetings and a gift from my lord and master.
KING
What the hell is that?
NARRATOR
It’s a cat.
PRINCESS
[SUGGESTIVELY] Hello Puss.
KING
You’re shitting me.
NARRATOR
It’s true.
KING
Jesus.
NARRATOR
You’re supposed to suspend your disbelief.
KING
Suspend this! This has to be a joke. I knew this was a mistake. Do a panto, they said. It’ll be a stretch. Stretch alright. Cramped in a tiny dressing room with 5 fuckwits stealing my makeup and ciggies. This is not what I was trained to do. I’m an actor for God’s sakes. I should be doing Shakespeare. I should be wearing tights. I should be doing crappy commercials for the T.A.C. Everyone else has. Why haven’t I been asked? I can drown in one ton vans in rivers. Everyone says I’d make a great accident victim. I was in The Witches Of Eastwick, for God’s sake!
THE OTHER CAST MEMBERS STARTING COMING OUT OF THE DRESSING ROOM
And why on earth aren’t I in a soapie? I can be lousy in shit too! My agent said it was gonna happen for me. He said that this was going to be my year. He said I was gonna be bigger than Spencer but with talent and a good haircut. He said that last year! Spencer gets to do telly and his own cabaret and I get fuck all? Someone explain that to me. I work my arse off for ten years out of VCA and I get one bog roll commercial. Sure it was great exposure and everyone said I held my own against that cute fucking puppy but that was 5 years ago. Since then it’s been bugger all. Oh, well. I supposed I should be grateful. You’re in work darling. It’s not about money. It’s the work that’s important. Besides…there’s fuck all else going during Midsumma.
PRINCESS
You know, you really shouldn’t complain. At least you’re working. Could be worse.
KING
How?
PRINCESS
You could be working with Kosky.
THE WHOLE CAST SCREAMS
KING
Point taken.
NARRATOR
May we continue? I’d like to get one drink in at the Laird before I draw my pension.
KING
My apologies. Sorry everyone…but I feel it had to be said.
THE CAST CONSOLES HIM
CAST
Not at all…don’t worry darling…you had every right…you know I loved you in that commercial…who’s his agent?…oh really? Fuck, I thought he was dead…I wished he was…he used to be mine…they don’t deserve you darling.
NARRATOR
Can we get on with it?
CAST
[WANDERING OFF] Jesus, get her…who does she think she is…apparently they’re doing it, you know…oh really? Oh my…
KING
Sorry. You were saying?
PUSS
Your majesty, I bring you greetings and a gift from my lord and master.
KING
A gift. Fabbo. I doth love prezzies. There be only…there be? Jesus I sound like a pirate…There is only one thing I doth love more that prezzies and that is the receipts to returneth them by.
PUSS
Ah, of course, your Highness. But this is a special gift, non-refundable and comes from my lord and master. A token of friendship he hopes you will accept.
PUSS HANDS OVER THE BAG TO THE KING
KING
Why thank your master and tell him the gift is well accepted by myself and my kingdom.
THE KING LOOKS IN THE BAG.
KING
A casserole? Your master has sent me a casserole?
NARRATOR
Unfortunately the rabbit had the tiniest hint of calici-virus and was now just soup seeping through the bag. But it’s the thought that counts.
KING
Yes, quite. And the eye shadow? Never mind. Tell me stranger, the name of your lord and master?
PUSS
His name? His name is Maureen…the Marquis of Wetstuff.
KING
Wetstuff?
PRINCESS
Know you of such a place, father?
KING
The name is not unknown to me. Stranger…extend to your master our thanks.
PUSS
Okay.
PRINCESS
And…and…come back soon.
NARRATOR
The cat decided the best way to serve his master was to get on the good side of the king with a few choice white goods but seeing as this was a fairytale and no-one had heard of K-Mart he was left to use his wiles.
THE CAT RUNS OFF.
Soon he returned with two doves he had managed to trap.
THE CAT RETURNS WITH TWO RUBBER CHICKENS.
They’re not exactly what I had in mind
PUSS
How big a budget do you think we have?
NARRATOR
Point taken.
THE KING AND PRINCESS RE-ENTER.
He presented these doves…er…chickens to the king who was most impressed.
KING
Big whoop. I mean, O joyous bounty. Thank your master for his generous overtures but please no more livestock or we’ll have the RSPCA down on us.
PUSS
My lord.
NARRATOR
In the days that followed and ignoring all other requests, Puss regularly visited the castle, carrying rabbits, hares, partridges and skylarks, presenting them all to the King in the name of the Marquis of Wetstuff. Folk at the palace began to talk about this noble gentleman. Finally it dawned on the old man to ask…
KING
Tell me oh…cat…is your master rich?
PUSS
He is, my lord. Extremely.
KING
Oh really? And tell me oh cat…is your master young and handsome?
PUSS
Yes my lord…
KING
Is he strong and muscled? Well chiselled of chest with large sinewy flanks that would stop traffic? Is he firm of buttock and with nipples succulent enough to hang chandeliers off? Is he the kind of man who likes to be dominant but occasionally is not afraid to throw his heels up and bark like a dog for a right regal…
PUSS
He is all these things and more, my lord.
SON
[OFF] What?!
PUSS
In fact, he would be very honoured if you and the princess called to see him in his castle.
NARRATOR
The King was most gracious and accepted the invitation.
KING
You’re on. I’ll bring a slab.
THE KING AND PRINCESS EXITS AS THE SON ENTERS.
NARRATOR
When the cat returned home and told his master that the King and his daughter Brian were going to visit him, he was horrified.
SON
Whatever the fuck shall we do?
NARRATOR
He cried.
SON
As soon as they see the arse hanging out of my pants they’ll know how poor I am.
PUSS
Keep your arse in your jocks and leave everything to me.
NARRATOR
Replied Puss.
PUSS
I have a plan….apparently.
THE CAT AND THE SON EXIT.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in another part of the Kingdom…..
THE DAME ENTERS.
DAME
Hello, everyone. Have you been good children? I know you have and that’s why…
NARRATOR
Excuse me. I say, excuse me.
DAME
What?
NARRATOR
Do you mind?
DAME
Oh, not at all, darling. You’re not disturbing me.
NARRATOR
No, I meant what do you think you’re doing? We’re in the middle of a show here.
DAME
So that’s what all this colour and lighting is for. Well I’m certainly glad you cleared that up for me.
NARRATOR
Just what do you think you’re doing?
DAME
My, you’re not very bright are you? I’m hang gliding. What does it look like I’m doing? Would anyone like a mintie?
NARRATOR
I mean, what are you doing here?
DAME
Well this is a pantomime, yes?
NARRATOR
Yes.
DAME
And what do pantos have? Besides the hero, a princess, maybe a king, assorted villagers and crappy extras. They have a dame. [TO AUDIENCE] Now whose been a good boy and girl. You have, I can see…
NARRATOR
But this story doesn’t have a dame.
DAME
Well it does now.
NARRATOR
But…but I didn’t ask for a dame.
DAME
Well now you’ve got one. Enjoy.
NARRATOR
Who says?
DAME
What do you mean “who says?” Everyone says! It’s well documented. When you do a panto you have a dame. It’s not me, darling. It’s tradition. Look it up. Now if you’ll excuse me…
NARRATOR
And what am I supposed to do?
DAME
Just do what you’ve been doing up until now…if you think it works. Personally, I think you’re about as useful as tits on a toilet.
NARRATOR
But this isn’t the kind of panto that needs a dame…
DAME
Listen sweetheart, I’ve got a job to do. I assume you have too. So I’m gonna speak real slow just so there’s no confusion. I’ve been doing this crap for 15 years. I’m on stage for 5 mins in the first half, less in the second and maybe I get a bit in the sing-along at the end with the rest of the talent. That’s 10mins tops. I come on, skip about like a pratt in a crummy costume I wouldn’t line the dog box with, lob a few lollies, have a little fun with the sprogs then fuck off. Now you can do one of two things. You can let me finish my bits, hopefully letting the punters feel they’ve at least got their money’s worth or you can book yourself into Prince Alfred’s to have a storybook removed from the orifice that’s not making as much noise as the one your most fond of. Okay? Now let mother do her job and try to stay out of my way.
NARRATOR
This is outrageous. I shouldn’t have to put up with this. I’m a professional.
THE NARRATOR EXITS
DAME
[AFTER HIM] Well, I wouldn’t worry. It doesn’t show from the audience. [TO AUDIENCE] Goodness, what a mean and nasty person. I’ll bet she’s single. Isn’t that right, boys and girls? Couldn’t get a root if she threw in a buffet lunch! Now I know you’re all rather excited and full of wonder as to the lovely vision you see before you. But believe me when I tell you that I didn’t always look like this. Once upon a time I was a blushing bride full of juices. Sadly my happiness was not to last for my dearest darling husband Myron Wankme has long since departed this glorious orb. Does anyone know why he is not here? Anyone? That’s right…he’s dead! Died in a freak tap dancing accident. Ten minutes after exchanging vows as it were. Never marry someone into musical theatre and a fondness for Jerry Herman. You’re asking for trouble. Once I was a wife. Now I’m alone. Does anyone know what that makes me? That’s right. Popular. And a widow. So now I’m now just the Widow Wankme. Oh goodness but my basket is heavy. And no-one likes a heavy basket. Although there was this one guy and he had the biggest…oh, but that’s another story. Oh how this basket weighs heavy on my arm but I fear boys and girls that if I put it down someone might steal it for Brunswick isn’t a particularly nice neighbourhood. You can’t have a pizza without someone stabbing you in the front bottom or stealing your car…I mean horse and cart. And if someone were to steal my basket then I wouldn’t have lollies to give all the children and that would be such a shame…apparently. But you know every time I put down my basket and look away for even a moment someone grabs my lollies and we hate that, don’t we boys and girls? There was this one particularly nasty piece of work of an alligator named Jeffrey who would always follow me and whenever I wasn’t looking he’d steal my lollies. God knows he took everything else. Hospitals, public parks. He was a nasty little fucker. What was he? A nasty little fucker. That’s right. But if I spent all my time thinking about creeps like that then my life would be full of woe. And there’s only one way to counteract that. Here’s a little song...and that was the worst segway I have even seen.
When I try to catch a moonbeam
But I trip and fall down sore
Somehow my good luck always melts away
But in dreams alone
Bright moonbeams I own
And there my fancies stray
Life at time is disappointing
And sex is pretty sparse
But I’ll tell you all just how I alter this
If re-al-it-y
Is not pleasing me
Medication will bring me bliss
Have you ever been a night-mare walking
Ever found your ex-boyfriend stalking
Does that cloud with silver linings
Always piss down on your head
Is the man that you’ve been bonking
So really bad at head
Have you ever been charged with murder
Are your boobs banging at your knees
Then do what I do
Take a tablet or two
And thank God for HRT
When the cops grab you for stealing
With a chicken up your skirt
And the body of your ex is in the trunk
And the judge ignores your pleas
Cos’ there’s grass stains on your knees
And your cellmate wants to share your bunk
Just remember this little ditty
When life has got you low
You can change the way you flush with just one pill
You can fall back on your luck
You can scream and shout “Get fucked”
And maybe with some toy boy you will
Have you ever been a nightmare walking
Ever found your ex-boyfriend stalking
Does the cloud with silver linings
Always piss down on your head
Is the man that you’ve been bonking
So really bad at head
Have you ever been charged with murder
Are your boobs banging at your knees
Then do what I do
Take a tablet or two
And thank God for HRT
DAME
Wasn’t that lovely? That’ll be on the cast album. But now I have to leave all you good boys and girls. I have to rush out and rescue some kiddies locked in a Ford Festiva in the Crown car park. Oh but what to do with this basket which weighs heavy on my poor old arms. Whatever shall I do? Any suggestions on where I can stick this basket?. I know. Perhaps my new friends here will look after it while I’m gone. I’ll put the basket down right here and if anyone should come near my lollies perhaps you could yell something like ”Widow Wankme do not dally, some total dickhead’s got your lolly!” Let’s hear it. Perfect. Now you be good boys and girls and keep an eye on my minties or I’m gonna hurt someone. Off I go.
SHE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE WHEN THERE IS DRAMATIC MUSIC AND AN ALLIGATOR’S HEAD APPEARS IN THE WINGS. THE AUDIENCE CRIES OUT.
What was that, children? You say someone was after my lollies? But where? I don’t see anything. Are you fucking with the old lady? I know. Yell out “behind you, behind you, you stupid bitch.” Oh you were just testing me. What clever little smart arses you are. Well, I’ll be back later. Now you keep an eye out and remember the special phrase to call me. Bye for now.
SHE EXITS. THE NARRATOR ENTERS.
NARRATOR
Back to our story.
THE CAT ENTERS ALONG WITH THE SON.
PUSS
Master, come along. It is time to carry out my plan. You must go for a swim in the river.
SON
Fuck off! I can’t swim.
NARRATOR
Replied the young man.
PUSS
That's all right
NARRATOR
Replied Puss
PUSS
Just trust me.
NARRATOR
So they went to the river.
A PIECE OF BLUE CLOTH IS EXTENDED ACROSS THE STAGE.
PUSS
Now master, if you’ll be so kind, please remove all your clothes.
SON
What? You’re shitting me.
PUSS
Certainly not, master. This all part of my cunning plan.
SON
I’ll bet. Look cat, I ain’t flashing my dick for no-one.
NARRATOR
The cat was becoming impatient.
PUSS
Look hurry up dickhead. I’ve got a date.
SON
But why do I have to take my clothes off?
PUSS
Someone has to. It says so on the poster.
SON
Can’t I pretend? I thought this was a kid’s show.
PUSS
Look, we don’t have time to argue. It’s part of the story. The son is supposed to take off his clothes. It was in your contract. “Some scenes may require nudity at the director’s discretion.”
SON
I don’t remember that.
PUSS
Didn’t you read your contract?
SON
No. Of course not. I always leave that to my agent.
NARRATOR
You’ve got an agent? Sorry. I mean can we get on with this?
SON
Jesus, I don’t believe this.
PUSS
You’re an artist right?
SON
Yeah. So?
PUSS
So…this is artistic.
SON
It is?
PUSS
Of course. Would I lie?
SON
Alright then. If it’s artistic then I guess it’s okay.
PUSS
Good.
THE CAT GOES OVER TO THE NARRATOR WHO HANDS THE CAT SOME MONEY
NARRATOR
Thanks.
PUSS
No problem.
SON
But I don’t show my dick, okay?
PUSS
What? Oh, okay.
THE SON STANDS AT THE EDGE OF THE BLUE MATERIAL AND STARTS TO REMOVE HIS CLOTHES.
SON
You can turn that bloody thing off for a start, smartarse!
THE MUSIC STOPS
THE REST OF THE CAST STARTS TO APPEAR SLIGHTLY IN THE WINGS FOR NO REASON. ONE HOLDS A VIDEO CAMERA. THE SON PULLS THE BLUE CLOTH BUT IT KEEPS DROPPING SLOWLY DOWN TOWARDS HIS WAIST. HE KEEPS PULLING IT UP
SON
Now what.
PUSS
You pretend to drown.
Help, help!
NARRATOR
Soon the king and his daughter came down the road in their carriage on their way to visit the Marquis of Wetstuff.
FANFARE AS THE KINGS ENTERS ACROSS THE STAGE GALLOPING WITH THE PRINCESS BEHIND HIM
KING
[WAVING] Morning peasants. Morning.
PUSS
Master, if you would pretend that you are drowning.
SON
Pretend I’m what?
PUSS
Just do it, dickhead!
THE CAT PUSHES HIM INTO THE CENTRE OF THE CLOTH.
SON
Sure, okay. Help, Help!
NARRATOR
And as the carriage travelled past the river the cat cried out…
PUSS
Help, oh help. My master The Marquis of Wetstuff is drowning. He cannot swim. Oh who will save him?
THE KING AND PRINCESS ENTER AGAIN
KING
What ho?
NARRATOR
The king cried. He reached out and the total wimp of a youth grabbed hold of his arm and was rescued.
THE RIVER CLOTH DROPS AS THE SON GATHERS IT UP AND COVERS HIMSELF. THE KING TAKES A GOOD LOOK AT THE SON WITH NO CLOTHES ON.
KING
Oh, I say.
SON
Watch it, creep.
KING
Oh, very nice. Listen squire. I saved your arse. You owe me a big one and I aim to get it.
SON
Over my dead body, sunshine.
KING
Whatever it takes. Grrr.
PRINCESS
Hi puss.
Oh my God.
KING
But tell me stranger, why are you dressed so scantily and dare I say, provocatively? Do you not know that these woods are favoured by vagabonds and ruffians who would think nothing of attacking a defenceless youth in his prime and having their evil ways. And by the way where are all your clothes?
PUSS
Sire it was indeed just that which brought my master to his present predicament. I will explain.
PRINCESS
How so, oh puss?
PUSS
Well…you see, my lord had a rather late night one of your local places of entertainment, the House of The Many Stairs, a health club of sorts from what I understand and being the young lusty lad that he is decided that rather than take advantage of the local donkey service he would make his way home via a little low impact jogging. But I dare say the late night and some dubious medication from a visiting Gold Coast street apothecary had taken their toll on my young master who decided what better way to rest his weary boner…er bones than with a short dip in the nearest swamp. It was as my young master was attending to his ablutions that he was set upon by gypsies who stole all his clothing.
KING
Oh woeful, long winded tale.
NARRATOR
The king cried.
KING
Do not fear my lad for I have plenty of drag…er clothes to adorn you in. And I just can’t wait to fit you out.
THE KING SLAPS THE YOUTH’S BACKSIDE LUSTILY.
NARRATOR
The king and his daughter fussed over the young man for he was without clothes. But the king had an excellent idea. What a splendid potential son in law this Marquis would make.
KING
He would? I mean he would! Yes splendid. That’s just what I had in mind
NARRATOR
And the princess looked at his well proportioned body with regal admiration.
THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN EYEING OFF THE CAT.
PRINCESS
What? Oh, yeah. He’s great. Doin’ it for me big time.
SHE MIMES FOR THE CAT TO PHONE HER. THE CAT MIMES BACK AND SCREAMS BACK ‘FUCK OFF”
KING
But tell me cat, just how rich is your master?
PUSS
Oh your majesty. He is…very…very well endowed.
KING
Yes but has he got any cash?
SON
Can I get some clothes on now? It’s getting a bit chilly.
KING
Yes, yes all in due course. My, my, I can see your nipples are getting hard.
PUSS
Sire, my master is very rich indeed.
NARRATOR
Said Puss.
PUSS
He owns a nearby castle and all this land. Come and see for yourself. I will meet you at the castle.
THE KING AND PRINCESS EXIT WITH THE SON
SON
Shit, it’s cold.
KING
Yes lovely, lovely.
NARRATOR
And with these words, the cat rushed off ahead of the king’s carriage, taking the shortest route for the shortest route can sometimes be the best, apparently, and headed in the direction of the castle, shouting at the peasants working in the fields.
PUSS
If anyone asks you who your master is, answer “the Marquis of Wetstuff.” Otherwise you’re all fucked!
Fuck off!
NARRATOR
In the meantime, Puss had arrived at the castle, the home of a huge, cruel ogre named Sharon or Shazza to her mates but alas she had none. The cat stopped at the ogre’s door and said to itself…
PUSS
I must be very careful, or I'll never get out of here alive…or at least not with my sphincter in one piece.
NARRATOR
The cat banged on the great door
and watched as the great door swung with an almighty creak.
THERE IS A SMALL SQUEAK. THE CAT GIVES THE SOUND DESK AN EVIL LOOK
NARRATOR
Puss removed his feather hat and bowed for everyone knew the true horror of what awaited him…
THE DAME WALKS OUT SMOKING ON A JOINT
DAME
Yes?
THERE ARE SCREAMS OFFSTAGE
DAME
[YELLING OFFSTAGE] Oh piss off. [TO PUSS] You wanted something?
PUSS
Oh. Yes. I wanted to see the ogre, actually.
DAME
[YELLING OFF] Oy, Sharon. There’s someone here to see you.
OGRE
[OFF] What?
DAME
I said, there’s someone here to see you.
OGRE
[OFF] Well who is it then?
DAME
How the bloody hell do I know.
OGRE
[OFF] Well ask it then.
DAME
What?
OGRE
[OFF] What’s it name?
DAME
Oh. What’s your name?
PUSS
Why, I am no other than Puss.
DAME
You’re what?
PUSS
Puss!
OGRE
[OFF] What did she say?
DAME
It’s puss.
THERE IS A LONG PAUSE THEN…
OGRE
[OFF] Fuck off!
PUSS
It’s true.
THE OGRE ENTERS AND TAKES THE JOINT OUT OF THE DAME’S HAND.
OGRE
Jesus, Barry, you’ve got lips like a Hoover. Bring your own next time. Now what is it you wanted?
DAME
There’s a fur ball on your step wants to see you. I’m off for a walk. Fuck, I’m hungry.
SHE GRABS SOMEONE MINTIES FROM HER BASKET ON THE WAY OUT
Jesus, how old are these? Who wants a mintie?
SHE THROWS SOME AT THE AUDIENCE VERY HARD THEN EXITS.
OGRE
See you at The Exchange, darls.
DAME
[EXITING] ‘ken oath!
OGRE
You know you look just like my steering wheel cover.
PUSS
My Lord Ogre, I offer you my respects!
OGRE
Respects? Little Miss Grammar shot to shit, huh? What the bloody hell do you want, cat?
NARRATOR
Asked the ogre rudely.
PUSS
Sire, I've heard you possess great powers.
OGRE
Look, fur balls, I’ll tell you the same thing I told those fucking school kids. I can’t get any stuff right now. The police are watching me like a bleeding hawk. They’ve already taken my computer. I told them all those kids in the photos were over 18. They just like to shave very close.
PUSS
No, sire, what I meant was that you have great magical powers.
OGRE
Oh yeah. That.
PUSS
That for instance you can change into all manner of beast in but the blink of an eye. Anything you so desire.
OGRE
So what?
PUSS
Well, I just wanted to see, that’s all.
OGRE
Sorry fuzz nuts. I don’t do party tricks. That’s three castles down and ask for Bruno. From what I hear he can make a whole rock melon disappear. Just don’t stick around when he asks if you want melon balls.
PUSS
That’s not what I had in mind. I meant I just wanted to see if you could change. You know. Into maybe a lion or elephant…or something.
THE OGRE STANDS DOING NOTHING.
Well?
OGRE
How big do you think the budget for this fucker is? This ain’t The Lion King, for chrissakes. There ain’t enough room to change into bloody g-string, let alone another cossie.
PUSS
Listen, if you don’t change into something this turkey is gonna be over before interval so you better pull something out of your hat, trick wise, or no-one makes a dime and the only thing you’ll be hanging from your Christmas tree are final notices and threats to disconnect? Comprende vu?
OGRE
Point taken.
NARRATOR
After threatening the ogre the cat decided to push it’s luck a little further.
PUSS
Or perhaps you can’t.
What did you call me?!
Or perhaps you CAN’T. Perhaps you have no powers at all and what I have heard has all been crap.
OGRE
Don’t push it smart arse or I’ll turn you into a pedestal mat.
PUSS AND THE OGRE EXIT
NARRATOR
While the cat continued to tease the ogre, in another part of the land the King's carriage swept past the peasants….
FANFARE. THERE IS NO-ONE ONSTAGE.
NARRATOR
[MORE INSISTENT] I said the king’s carriage was sweeping past the peasants.
FANFARE. PAUSE. FANFARE AGAIN. THE ACTOR PLAYING THE KING AND OGRE ENTERS WITH HIS OGRE HEAD HALF OFF AND PUSS TRYING TO HELP HIM.
KING
I’m sorry. This is impossible. I’m sorry darling but I can’t be expected to do all the sodding parts if you start screaming at me to get on stage half dressed.
NARRATOR
We need the king in this bit.
KING
Then perhaps you should play him, big mouth. You might as well. On what I’m getting for this abomination I’ll be lucky if I can afford to take myself for a burger and coke. So cut me a little slack okay? I mean it’s not like I don’t have enough to do in this show.
PUSS
[DROPPING CHARACTER COMPLETELY] Hey wait a minute. What? You think it's bloody easy for me, looking like a tit in this bit of tat? Dressed in something that looks like it’s got a touch of mange? What in god’s name make you think you’re so special? We all work just as hard as you.
THE ACTORS START TO FIGHT. OTHERS ENTER THE FRAY.
NARRATOR
[SCREAMING] Do you mind?
As I was saying…in another part of the land the King's carriage swept past the peasants….
KING
Morning peasants. Tell me, is your master the Marquis Of Wetstuff?
[OFF] Fuck off!
KING
As I am old and hard of hearing I’ll take that to mean yes.
NARRATOR
The king continued on his journey to the castle where the ogre lived.
THE KING EXITS AS THE DAME ENTERS ONCE MORE.
NARRATOR
Oh Jesus.
DAME
Don’t sweat it sweetheart. I’m here for a good time. Not a long time. Well children, how have you been? Has there been any sign of that naughty alligator Jeffrey? I can see by my basket that there hasn’t and that means you have been ever vigilant. What clever little scuzzbags you are.
THERE IS A STRANGE EERIE NOISE AS THE LIGHTS DIM DARK AND GLOOMY AND A PAPIER MACHE ALLIGATOR APPEARS FROM THE WINGS.
What was that, boys and girls? Did you hear something strange? What ever could it be? It’s a what? It’s Jeffrey the nasty fucking alligator? But where? I don’t see him. Where is he? Then let me hear you say “behind you, behind you stupid bitch!” He’s not there.
THIS GOES ON FOR SOME TIME. THE DAME STARTS TO GET A BIT ANNOYED. THE ALLIGATOR HEAD POPS IN AND OUT FROM ALL OVER THE STAGE. THEN HALF A DOZEN HEADS POP OUT.
DAME
Oh that’s very funny. [TO THE CAST IN THE WINGS] You pack of smart arses. As if I don’t have enough to contend with from these idiots with about as much talent as a piece of toast now I gotta put up with this. No. I don’t think so.
THE MUSIC TO THE DAME’S SONG IS HEARD AGAIN.
Stop that! I ain’t singing that fucker again. I’m out of here. Here you go boys and girls. Have a fucking mintie. By the way, minties give you diarrhoea. Enjoy.
THE DAME EXITS WITH HER BASKET, LIGHTING UP ANOTHER JOINT ON THE WAY.
And now, back to our story
PUSS RE-ENTERS ALONG WITH THE OGRE
OGRE
You were saying?
PUSS
What? Oh, yes, I heard you can change into any shape that you wish.
OGRE
That's perfectly true
NARRATOR
Said the ogre
PUSS
But I was talking to certain friends of mine the other day from the Blue Effluent who are wise in these things but know fuck all about anything else and they said that though you can turn into all manner of creature large and annoy everyone around you, yet when it comes to turning into some tiny creature like, say a mouse, well you’re stuffed.
OGRE
Oh, is that what those queens are saying, is it? Jeez, you complain once about bad service and an overcooked nachos and they treat you like a turd on a birthday cake!
PUSS
Well, Sire, that's my opinion too, because folk that can do big things always have a problem with little ones.
OGRE
Oh, yes? Well, just watch this!
DRAMATIC SMOKE AND MUSIC AND FLASHING LIGHTS AS THE OGRE RUNS OFF STAGE. THE CAT MOVES CENTRE
NARRATOR
Retorted the ogre. With an almighty poof… and not the first we’ve seen today, the ogre turned himself into a mouse.
A LARGE STUFFED MOUSE IS THROWN AT THE CAT’S HEAD
[YELLING OFF] Fucking cunt! I said aim for my chest, you fucking amateur!
NARRATOR
The cat leapt on to the mouse and ate its hole….
What? Oh okay.
I said ate it whole.
Oops. Sorry. Get in my belly!
Then he dashed to the castle gate…
Oops. Pardon.
…just in time, for the King's carriage was drawing up.
Ooh, I think that rat was off.
THE KING, PRINCESS AND THE SON ENTER. HE IS STILL UNDRESSED.
With a bow, Puss said…
PUSS
Sire, welcome to the castle of the Marquis of Wetstuff!
KING
My dear Marquis, you're a fine, handsome, young man, you have a great deal of land, a magnificent castle and not a bad looking arse.
Tell me, are you married?
SON
No.
KING
Lovely, lovely.
SON
But l would like to find a wife.
THE CAT FARTS AGAIN. HE STARTS TO SWOON
NARRATOR
He looked at the Princess as he spoke. She of course had other things on her mind.
PRINCESS
Can I borrow your cat?
THE CAT FARTS AGAIN. HE COLLAPSES AGAINST THE CASTLE DOOR
[SCREAMING] Someone get me some kitty litter!
KING
Oh, you’ve got plenty of time for all that crap. Tell me, lad what say you and I go for a drink. I know this cute little bar down the road and the ambience is very conducive to a really long hard…bit of conversation.
SON
Can I get dressed first?
KING
Oh you don’t need to worry about that. In fact where we’re going you won’t be out of place.
SON
Oh okay.
NARRATOR
The young man smiled for indeed there was nothing better than finding a sugar daddy. To cut a long story short, the miller's son, now Marquis of Wetstuff, moved in with the King and set up a piano bar-cum-trattoria and lived happily ever after, at least until the King developed prostate problems and the son had him shipped off to the dungeon and took in a rent boy. As for the princess well she settled down with Puss and opened a bottle shop Beaver Liquor for the Ogre’s castle was unfortunately too caked in Ogre crap to be liveable but was eventually converted into a three floored men’s club with pool table and recently released movies.
PUSS
You see, Master, I always said I’d be worth a lot more than a half-ruined mill or mangy piece of ass.
Once Upon A Ending Reprise
Now we come to the end of our tale
Completely off and beyond the pale
Tacky and lame how could you ask for more
Don't go away, get yourself some drinks
The second half's coming and it really stinks
See you in a mo in a once upon a
Coked up and happy in a once upon a
Book a group or 10 for a once up-on-a
Time
Behind You, Behind You!
Part Two
First Performance
January 20th 2004
Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre
Melbourne Midsumma Festival
Shaun Kingma Ken
Adam Chamberlain Donna
Renee Palmer Roslyn
Sean Ladhams Kevin
Mathew Osborn Tony
Bruce Langdon Ian
Directed by Steven Dawson
Produced by Out Cast Theatre
LIGHTS COME UP ON BACKSTAGE OF THE PANTO SET. KEVIN SITTING TO THE SIDE DRESSED IN A FULL ISLAMIC BLUE BURQUA. HE IS SOBBING QUIETLY. DONNA ENTERS AND SITS DOWN OPPOSITE HIM. SHE LOOKS AT KEVIN. HE SOBS LOUDER TO BE HEARD. SHE LOOKS AROUND FEELING SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS SHE GETS UP AND EXITS. KEVIN’S SHOULDERS SLUMP, HE GETS UP AND WALKS OFF.
KEN WALKS IN. HE LOOKS AT THE BACK OF THE SET, THEN LOOKS AROUND TO SEE IF ANYONE IS WATCHING. HE TAKES OUT A MARKER PEN THEN SCRIBBLES ON THE BACK OF THE FLAT. HE SITS DOWN AND DOES UP HIS SHOES AS TONY WALKS IN. HE LOOKS AT KEN. THERE IS SOME SEXUAL TENSION ON TONY’S PART. THEY EXCHANGE POLITE SMILES. TONY LEANS AGAINST THE FLAT. HE NOTICES THE SCRIBBLE, READS IT AND GIVES A LITTLE CHUCKLE. HE LOOKS BACK AT KEN.
TONY
Funny.
KEN
What?
TONY
Did you do it?
KEN
What?
TONY POINTS AT THE SCRIBBLE.
Oh. No. It was already there.
TONY
Odd. Never noticed it during the show.
KEN
Can’t see a friggin’ thing back here. They need a brighter bulb backstage.
TONY
Someone could hurt themselves.
KEN
Walk into the set.
TONY
Walk into the set. Exactly. Pretty dangerous.
KEN
Very.
TONY
Still…pretty funny. [LOOKS AT IT AGAIN AND LAUGHS] “Kevin is a big twat.” Funny. Wish I was like that.
KEN
A twat?
TONY
No. Clever.
KEN
Yes, regular Oscar Wilde.
TONY
Has he seen it?
KEN
Oscar Wilde? I doubt it. Think I would’ve notice a dead English queen backstage. Well, as a rule.
No. Kevin.
Don’t know. Don’t give a rats.
TONY
Weird house tonight. They didn’t laugh at any of my funny lines.
KEN
You have funny lines?
TONY
A few.
KEN
Oh well. Audiences can be fickle. Never expect them to laugh. That way you’re always surprised.
TONY
I never thought about it like that. I’ll do that. In the future I won’t expect them to laugh. Then I’ll be surprised when they do.
KEN
You won’t be the only one. [PAUSE] You look ready to party. Going somewhere?
TONY
Of course I am. Kevin’s engagement. Ever known me to knock back a free drink?
KEN
I know nothing about you.
TONY
You are coming, aren’t you?
KEN
I…don’t think so.
TONY
You gotta come.
KEN
Do I?
TONY
Of course. It’s almost end of the season. Could be the last time we’ll all be together.
KEN
Some might think that a good thing.
TONY
Not me. I’ve love this company. Okay, so the last two plays weren’t great…
KEN
Don’t let William hear you say that.
TONY
But everyone’s been really friendly. Well…except Kevin of course. I don’t think he likes me that much.
KEN
And yet you’re going to his engagement.
TONY
Did I mention it has free alcohol?
KEN
Of course.
TONY
He’s a bit intense, you know?
KEN
Amongst other things.
TONY
The other day?
KEN
Yes?
TONY
He called me a cunt.
KEN
You probably got him at a bad time.
TONY
I was asking him if he wanted milk in his tea.
KEN
Right.
TONY
I gotta say I was really shocked.
KEN
About?
TONY
Kevin getting married! Boy, I never saw that coming.
KEN
You’re not the only one.
TONY
I mean, the guy’s been sucking dick for 20 years, wears dresses, takes it like a coked-up chicken, [KEN LOOKS AT HIM] Ian’s words, not mine…
KEN
Thought so.
TONY
…then one day eats his scrambled eggs on toast and tells the world he's gonna bone broads. Crazy!
KEN
Shocking. Bone broads? You've got a potty mouth.
TONY
You know what I mean.
KEN
Sadly, yes.
TONY
Have you met her?
KEN
Met her? I don’t even know who it is. I only heard about it before tonight's show!
TONY
Apparently he's been seeing her for 2 months on the sly.
KEN
Two months?!
TONY
Uh-huh. I tell you, it's gonna be pretty weird.
KEN
Why?
TONY
Having a straight guy as lead actor in a gay theatre company. Seems a little weird, don't you think?
KEN
I've seen weirder. And who says he's a lead actor? Or straight?
TONY
Doesn't he have the lead in the next show?
KEN
As far as I know it hasn't been cast. Unless you know something I don't know.
TONY
I just heard a rumour.
KEN
And if he was cast, which I doubt, he'd only be one of two characters. It's a two-hander.
TONY
Well, I assumed he'd get the next big role. He only had a small part in this one. It wasn't exactly a stretch.
KEN
It's not the only small part he's got. And in spite of what people tell you that ain't the way to get a lead in this company.
TONY
I know but he keeps saying the part’s his. Maybe William's already offered it to him?
KEN
Doubt it.
TONY
Don't you like him?
KEN
William or Kevin?
TONY
Kevin.
KEN
I...would prefer to remain silent on that one.
TONY
Who else do you think William will use? [HE STARTS READING THE SCRIBBLE AGAIN] Ian?
KEN
Too girly
TONY
David?
KEN
Too aesthetically challenged. [TONY LOOKS PUZZLED] Ugly.
TONY
Donna!
KEN
Too much vagina.
TONY
No, I mean the handwriting. I think it's Donna's.
KEN
Okay. You know, they could cast you.
TONY
Nah...really?...No, I don't think so.
KEN
Why not? Stranger things have been known to happen.
TONY
You think?
KEN
You shouldn't sell yourself short.
TONY
Yeah, I tend to do that. What about you?
What about me?
Maybe they’ll cast you.
I don’t think so. I’ve been in the last three shows. People might be getting bored with me.
Yeah. You might be right.
KEN
Or they could always cast outside.
TONY
Yeah? [DEFLATED] They wouldn't. Would they?
KEN
You never know. People are getting tired seeing the same old faces and the same old dicks.
TONY
You think so?
KEN
Of course they are. Every bloody year he brings out a newie and it's the same audiences sitting on the same right side every night, laughing at the same one liners and watching the same bunch of schlong. I keep telling William there's no nobility in knob sightings.
TONY
The audiences love it and sometimes it packs them in.
KEN
We're just pandering to the masses. William is the pimp and we're his bitches.
TONY
I don't think he's like that at all. And it's not always knobs.
KEN
Really?
TONY
We've got a girl in this one.
KEN
Donna? Big hairy deal. One woman in the last two years and the only reason she scraped in under the wire was because some queenie critic accused him of dyke bashing in his last show.
TONY
I saw that. There was a bit of it, yeah, but the girls loved it.
KEN
They usually do. It's always some precious queen thinking the girls need to be stood up for. They don't need some piss-elegant theatre fairy watching their backs. The girls take care of themselves.
TONY
I guess.
KEN
Of course if the truth be told...I don't think he likes having women in his plays.
TONY
Why not?
KEN
Well, quite apart from the fact that he doesn’t know how to write for women, lesbians don't go to the theatre. Not this type anyway. It’s gotta be Gertrude, not girly.
TONY
Do you always talk like this?
KEN
Like what?
TONY
Like you're on a soapbox.
KEN
Oh, Sorry. I'm tired. I rant when I'm tired.
TONY
That's okay.
KEN
I just want to get out of here and go home.
TONY
To?
KEN
To my bed.
TONY
No, I mean...
KEN
I know what you mean and no, there isn't anyone else there, if that's your way of being subtle.
TONY
I don't really know anything about you. We haven't talked that much.
KEN
We talk all the time.
TONY
Onstage, yeah. I mean outside of work.
KEN
Right.
TONY
So...you're not seeing anyone at the moment?
KEN
Well, I guess you could say...
TONY
'Cause I was thinking that maybe you might like to go out and catch a movie sometime.
KEN
Movie?
TONY
Or a drink if you like. You drink, don't you?
KEN
The odd tipple.
TONY
Okay, so that's set. Movie and a drink. Monday good for you?
KEN
I...
TONY
Kewl.
KEN IS ABOUT TO PROTEST WHEN IAN WALKS ENTERS, STILL WEARING PART OF HIS DAME COSTUME.
IAN
Oh, thank fuck that's over. If I have to ponce through that "Happy Ever After" number one more time I'm gonna stand on my head, pull my back flaps apart and crap two tons of last week's vindaloo up against the backdrop! Anyone got a ciggie?
KEN
[HANDING HIM A CIGARETTE] Hard to believe she used to do Play School.
IAN
Two years straight and don't you forget it! Producers didn't know what hit 'em but I had six months to go on my contract and when I said" Look through the round window" those little bastards looked through the round fucking window!
HE STICKS THE CIGARETTE BEHIND HIS EAR WHERE THERE ARE ALREADY A FEW.
Dreadful house tonight.
KEN
Shocking.
TONY
Boring.
KEN
Don't you want a light?
IAN
I'm trying to give up. Why are you looking so glum, shithead? Look like you've just parked your Pajero on a poodle.
TONY
He's tired.
KEN
I'm tired.
IAN
Tired? Tired!? Who the fuck isn't?! My pins are so weak I'm scared they'll snap and ram into my arse cheeks. I've got that much congealed eyelash glue on my dial I look like a myxomatosis infected bunny and I’m carrying so much weight in this friggin' feedbag of a costume I swear my spine is going to be permanently skewed into a hump! But do you hear me complain?
KEN
Every day.
IAN
Bloody oath I do. I'm a queen. My life is nothing but bitching! Where's William?
TONY
Not out yet.
Of his dressing room, I mean.
IAN
Bloody hell. I've got somewhere to go. I can't be stopping out here all night.
KEN
Don't worry. The sauna's twenty four seven on the weekends.
TONY
You're not going to the party?
IAN
I don't go to "parties."
KEN
Not since he got gang-banged at his debutantes ball. Fucked face first in the pasta and trotters in the punch.
IAN
Lovely. What party?
TONY
Kevin's engagement.
IAN
Engagement? He's getting married? I missed that memo. [TURNING SLOWLY TO KEN AND GIVING HIM A LOOK. KEN LOOKS AWAY] Well, that's gotta be news to some people.
TONY
I’ll say.
IAN
Ken, that can't be right, can it? We haven’t run out of men already, have we? We’re not doing women? Jesus. I knew this would happen one day. It is a woman he's marrying, isn't it?
TONY
Uh-huh.
IAN
And she's not pre-op or anything?
TONY
As far as I know.
IAN
Pink bits and all?
TONY
Yep.
IAN
[LOOKING AT KEN ONCE MORE] Well, I bet that snuffed out your candle, Laura.
KEN
I don't know what you're talking about.
IAN
[SNIDE] Of course you don't.
TONY
Yeah, I guess we’re all pretty surprised.
IAN
Some a little more than others. By the way, have you seen him?
KEN
Still in his dressing room, I think.
TONY
I think I saw him a moment ago. It was like a big blue blur. He’s already got his thing on.
IAN
It’s a burqua honey. Not a thing. Ridiculous. If you’re gonna be a cross dresser why on God’s good green earth would you decide to get about as a Muslim woman? I mean, what’s the point?!
TONY
He told me it frees him of male oppression.
IAN
It frees him of lippy is all. Lazy cow. Well at least it stopped him doing the Indian woman thing. I was forever tripping over his bed sheets. And they were flannelette, for Chris sakes! Last year’s flannelette! By the way…did he tell you his new name?
KEN
We haven’t spoken.
IAN
Gemma Islamiah. I swear we’re gonna be blown up.
TONY
I thought his last one was pretty good. Sonia Back.
IAN
He’s got a different one for every outfit. Betty Farchter?
TONY
Betty Swallows.
IAN
Dora Knob?
TONY
Sarah Belle Palsy.
IAN
And of course his Lebanese cousins. Sue Vlaki and Donna Kebab. I wish she’d stick to just one and go with it.
TONY
He says he’s still trying to find himself.
IAN
She couldn’t find herself in a shoe box. Fancy getting married.
TONY
Ian, did you hear? William might have already cast the new show.
IAN
Really?
TONY
Uh-huh.
IAN
No. I hadn’t heard that. Even though there’s a great part in it I’d be perfect for me. And I’m sick to the back box doing all this silly camp stuff. It’s all I ever get to play. [BEAT] What am I talking about? It’s not going to happen. I’d wait to see it in writing first and as for future shows, well, I wouldn’t count my McNuggets just yet.
TONY
Why?
IAN
Well, far be it from me to spread dirt but…
Should we make ourselves comfortable?
I’m not even sure there’s gonna be a next show. Not at the rate we’re going.
TONY
Why? What have you heard?
IAN
Nothing. Have you?
TONY
[CONFUSED] No.
IAN
Then that’s alright. But I’d be careful about spreading rumours. Keep shtum about everything you’ve heard.
TONY
[EVEN MORE CONFUSED] What have I heard?
IAN
That’s the spirit.
TONY GOES AND SITS DOWN LOOKING VERY CONFUSED. KEN LOOKS AT IAN.
KEN
You’re a bugger.
IAN
It’s a gift.
IAN SIDLES UP TO TONY
IAN
[QUIETLY] By the way, what happened to you last night? I was waiting till about 2am for you to call.
TONY
Yeah, I, uh, decided to get some kip early.
Oh. I see. It’s got to that stage already, has it?
TONY
What stage?
IAN
You’re bored with me. Decided to move on.
TONY
What are you talking about? I only had sex with you once and we were both a bit drunk. Actually if I want to be honest I was pissed as a fart. You’re making a bit of a big deal about it, aren’t you?
KEN
What are you two little minxes mumbling about?
IAN
Nothing Cora. Mind your beeswax.
KEN
Up to no good no doubt.
IAN
We’ll talk later.
TONY
Yeah, let’s do that.
DONNA ENTERS AND STANDS RIGHT IN FRONT OF IAN. HE LOOKS AWAY AS SHE CONFRONTS HIM.
DONNA
You did it again, didn’t you?
IAN
I don’t know what you’re on about.
DONNA
Really?
I found it on your dressing table. Touch it once more with your scabby armpits and all anyone’s gonna find is a stain where your big mouth once was.
IAN
You’ve got a touch of Eva Braun about you. Anyone ever told you that?
DONNA
Last warning, you sad gorgon. Leave your manky rat hair on my roll-on and the only thing holding up your dress will be a few fractured ribs!
Where’s William?
TONY
I think he’s in the front office.
DONNA
Bloody hell. I want to go home.
IAN
Needs her beauty sleep. Donna darling, do we still sleep hanging from the ceiling? Bet you’re carpet’s covered in guano.
DONNA
You know you really should do something about those wrinkles on your face. They’re about to go deep trench. You’ll have French documentary crews swarming over them wanting to tell a story if you don’t look out.
IAN
They’re not wrinkles. They’re laugh lines.
DONNA
Sweetheart, nothing is that funny!
IAN
Bitch.
DONNA
Prostate pumper.
IAN
Beaver biter.
DONNA
Slug sucker.
IAN
Gusset typist.
DONNA
Heard it.
IAN
Damn!
KEN
God, it’s a meeting of the minds, isn’t it?
DONNA
[TO KEN] Oh and Ken…by the way, you stepped on one of my lines tonight.
KEN
Really? Can’t imagine how that happened.
DONNA
Look, Princess Clanger, I get few laughs or lines as it is and I wanna keep ‘em without some great nonce or [LOOKING AT IAN] honey baked ham taking the one bit of pleasure I get these days.
IAN
Jumper leads on your vibrator burn out?
KEN
I’ll try to be more careful.
IAN
Oh, me too.
DONNA
Do it or I’ll nail your size 13’s to the floor and then see how fast you do your quick change!
DONNA
Dreadful house tonight.
IAN
Shocking.
KEN
Dull as dishwater.
TONY
Didn’t laugh at any of my funny lines.
IAN
You’ve got funny lines?
TONY
Sure I do.
IAN
Not the way you’re playing ‘em, sweetheart.
Oh bugger.
Penny for your thoughts.
DONNA
Oh where do I start? Trish has asked me to move out.
KEN
I thought it was your flat?
It is. But she says because I’m the one doing the cheating then I’m the one who should suffer for the time being.
You’re cheating on her? Ooh, ah.
Interesting. You know, you could always tell her to fuck off.
I can’t. I still kinda love her.
Kinda? There’s commitment for you.
It might be the way you boys operate but it’s not my style.
And having someone walk all over you is?
I’m thinking of moving to Adelaide.
Jesus!
Okay. It’s clear she’s completely lost her mind.
Put down the gun, honey and walk away.
Why?
You’ve obviously never been there. It’s wall to wall muff-munching.
Please. I’m a sensitive homosexual. My mother didn’t bring me up to hear that kind of talk and I don’t want that image in my head.
I may throw up.
And it’s okay if I have to hear every sordid detail of your sex lives? You rattle off blow job stories like a machine gun.
It’s not that.
You don’t know what we do, do you? You have no idea.
And we prefer to keep it that way. We’re just like Queen Victoria. With boys you can see the apparatus. It’s all out there. But with girls… it’s like walking on the moon.
I could show you, you know. We have apparatus as well.
THE BOYS MOCK THROWING UP.
[BEGGING, HE COVERS TONY’S EARS] Please, think of the children.
KEVIN ENTERS IN HIS BLUE BURQUA BUT CARRYING THE HEAD DRESS. KEN LOOKS AT HIM THEN GETS UP AND EXITS. KEVIN LOOKS FORLORN.
IAN
So…Princess Ida…what’s happening in your neck of the woods? Is that a new frock? I love it. Nothing easier than a bit of wrap’n’go.
KEVIN SAYS NOTHING.
Exactly. Just what I was saying. But if I can interrupt you for a moment. I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Perhaps you can help me. Now as you know, normally I have a penchant for pretty young things so I went to the Laird ‘coz I heard it was full of twinks and I’m not exactly au-fey with the bar scene but imagine my surprise when there was nothing. Not a twink to be seen. Just a bunch of big, beefy, beardy-weirdy types. What are the chances? Please let me finish. There was this guy who darn near took my breath away…not to mention my gag reflex. He was an absolute bear, let me tell you. This guy was hairy and I do mean hairy. He would have to take his socks off just to have a bikini wax!
IAN WAITS FOR A RESPONSE. NOTHING.
But enough about me. Fascinating as it is. Let’s talk about you. Anything happening in your neck of the woods? You know, a little vulture told me we’re celebrating something tonight.
TONY
He’s getting engaged. I already told you.
IAN
Engaged? Interesting. And to a woman no less. Kevin, that’s so….traditional. Thank Christ. The thought of queens or dykes getting married is ridiculous. Sure, give me his super and pension plan but not at the expense of some over-hyped hetero ritual. But that’s just me. And I digress. So…you’re getting married.
KEVIN
Uh-huh.
IAN
And I don’t need to ask if you’ve thought it all through?
KEVIN
Meaning?
IAN
Well giving up the sex with men thing for starters. It’s a trivial thing I know but some could see it as a stumbling block when she notices Mr Willy slamming it sluggishly up against the grassy knoll. Know what I mean?
Yuk!
KEVIN
It’s okay.
IAN
And have you thought about the wedding? I mean, what’s it gonna look like with her all decked out in white and you standing next to her dressed like a distressed eggplant? That’s if you can find a minister who isn’t gonna laugh in your face and run screaming to the nearest choirboy.
I haven’t thought that far ahead.
IAN
Well I bet she has. Why is she doing it anyway?
KEVIN
She loves me.
IAN
And do you love her?
KEVIN
I guess.
IAN
Well, you’ve convinced me. I don’t know how I could ever have doubted you.
I…
IAN
Oh just shut up. You know perfectly well who rings your baubles these days. Why don’t you just tell him and get it over and done with?
KEVIN
I told you. I’m in love with her and we’re getting married. I’m not going to cancel. She might get upset.
IAN
So, it’ll pass. After a while she’ll be grateful she didn’t settle down with some weirdo with a preference for pastels. Does she even have an inkling you like to play dress ups?
KEVIN
I think so.
IAN
How dumb is she?
KEVIN
She’s not dumb. In fact she’s very smart. I just haven’t gotten round to talking to her about it. I’m sure she won’t mind.
IAN
You know, I know some people think I’m just some big old queen who does the bars, blows the odd waiter ’n all but I have read the odd newspaper article and I can tell you women are really funny about their husbands dressing up in hot pants, no matter how understanding they say they are. Imagine what it’s like with the happy couple when they get to about sixty. There they are sitting out on the front veranda. She takes one look at hubby in the lemon coloured bridesmaid’s frock and thinks “Who the hell is this old bag and pass me the shotgun!” She’s gonna think about toy boys and missed opportunities and he’s gonna be thinking about sagging balls and duct tape!
KEVIN
It’s not gonna be like that.
IAN
What’s her name?
KEVIN
Er...Roslyn.
DONNA
What?!
IAN
Not Roslyn, the backpacker who works part time in Box office?
KEVIN
Uh-huh.
That fucking bitch!
IAN
You little creep. She’s a dyke.
KEVIN
Is she? I hadn’t heard that.
IAN
I heard they threw her out of Moist because she wouldn’t take her flannelette boiler suit off.
KEVIN
I never listen to gossip.
IAN
You’re a gay man. Gossip is all you have! Well, all I can say that’s gonna put a few labias out of joint.
TONY
Jesus!
KEVIN
I happen to love her.
IAN
And she loves you?
KEVIN
Of course
IAN
She told you this?
KEVIN
Yep.
IAN
She actually used the words “Kevin, I love you and even though you’re a cross dressing cretin with a back catalogue of dick sucking that would make angels weep and Catholic priests blush, I still want to marry you and live together in domestic horror.” She said this, huh?
KEVIN
Not in those words.
IAN
Then just exactly what words did she use?
KEVIN
I don’t remember. It was a while ago. One night after the show. I was a little plastered. All I remember was something about “we’re made for each other” and “I really like your hair” and “residency” and then it started to snowball from there.
IAN
Jesus tap-dancing Christ. You know you have got to be the biggest twit I have ever come across. Just tell me she’s not pregnant.
KEVIN
She’s not pregnant.
IAN
Thank God.
KEVIN
But she does want kids.
IAN
Bloody hell!
TONY
Kids? How cool is that!
IAN
Tony, be a pet and go see if the bar is still open. Mama needs to get paralysed.
TONY
I don’t think it….
IAN
Just do it!
TONY
Oh, okay.
IAN
Actors, huh? They weary me so. And have you spoken to you-know-who about this?
Who?
Ken.
Why would I? It’s got nothing to do with him. He wouldn’t care either way.
He wouldn’t? [PAUSE] I see.
I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong.
Am I? You’re trying to make him jealous. Aren’t you?
No, I’m not.
Bullshit. It’s as plain as that cheap Priceline slap on your face.
You couldn’t be more wrong if you tried. We just work together. That’s all.
Do I look damp? Do I look like I just came down in the last rain shower? I’ve worked with you, What, three, four times?
KEVIN
Four.
Four times? Jesus, is it?
Uh-huh.
And what’s the one thing I have always said?
Don’t touch my makeup or I’ll kick you in the cunt?
Besides that?
I give up.
Never have sex with an actor you’re working with! That’s what I’ve always said. Even in an emergency. And believe me I speak from experience. You sleep with the box office staff, anyone at the bar, the crew if you’re really desperate but not your fellow actors. They’re horrible, conceited, paranoid, insecure, fickle, usually dull as dishwater in the cot and only looking out for one thing. Themselves. The more you get to know them the less there is but with a side order of bad blow jobs, smoke machines and a quick blackout. Just because an actor can empathise with another actor’s lot doesn’t mean there should be groinal interchange. Maybe just like only a man knows how to suck another man’s dick that doesn’t mean all bets are off and it’s a free for all!
Sorry. It’s been a while and I’m as horny as a goat. I need to get laid soon or they’re gonna revoke my membership.
Are you going somewhere with this?
Uh…before you go through with this ridiculous charade maybe you need to sort a few things out with him?
THE LIGHTS SLOWLY DIM UNTIL KEVIN IS IN A SPOTLIGHT
How? He won’t talk to me. You know, when we first met it was so different. He looked across the table at that very first read-through and smiled and I wanted to fall on top of him right there and then and smother him with kisses.
THE LIGHTS START TO FADE AROUND HIM
He looked really nice. Not in a "I wanna do you right here" way but he’s got such a way about him. Someone who’s completely sure of himself. I really envy people like that. And I also hate people like that as well. Afterwards he comes straight over to me…
KEN
I’m Ken. Hi.
“Kevin. Hi.” He shakes my hand. Normally I hate people who shake hands. It's like a scene from a movie or this pathetic macho ritual passed down from father to son. I hate having to make physical contact with someone I've just met. You could be shaking the hand of someone who doesn't shake enough or wash his hands in the bathroom so who's to know. But his grip was nice and friendly.
You know…I think it might be a good idea seeing as how we’re playing lovers in this if we go and have a drink. Talk about our parts.
Talk about our parts. That’s what he said. Is that stupid or what? So I said…”Okay.” He doesn’t take his eyes off me. He has those big green eyes that burn right into you. I’m sitting there holding my stupid Bundy and coke, watching the ice slowly melt and he hardly says anything. He just sits there like he’s studying me. I’m feeling really self conscious ‘cos I can feel those green eyes burrowing in and then all of a sudden…
I think we should have sex.
I had to pull my jaw off the floor. What a nerve.
We’re playing lovers. I think we should know how these lovers respond to each other. Have some sense of their history when we watch them.
“Some sense of history.” I wanted to throw up. Actors are such wankers sometimes, it embarrasses me. It was so cornball. But I looked at him and he was being almost sincere. For one brief moment I thought he was talking about getting off in the toilets which is not my style at all but then he said that sex with me should be special and that we should go back to his place….
We barely made it to the car before he starts touching me. You know, on the arm and things like that. By the time we get to the car park I’ve got a hard-on that won’t quit and so crazy with lust I bang my head on the door. We get back to his place and it was…well, you know….
What? He was wonderful? Tender, rough, funny and passionate?
Oh no. He was bloody boring. Talk about your lazy roots. I had to do everything. But you know…I didn’t mind. Afterwards we talked. A lot. And I do mean a lot. For hours. I saw him every night that first week and it became a regular thing. Nothing too serious or anything. We’d meet up a few times a week. We had to keep it all hush-hush, of course because he didn’t want anyone knowing. Said it was our little secret and nothing to do with anyone else. That was okay with me. I was so comfortable with him. I felt I could tell him everything. But I had to go and ruin it, didn’t I? You know, the minute I told him I like to put on a dress once in a while I knew I was making a big mistake. Even as the words were stumbling out of my mouth I was watching his face change. I knew he hated the very idea of it. And I was right. He just went blank. Made some excuse and he was outta there. Now he doesn’t call me. No more phone calls. No sex. Nothing. He barely speaks to me except when we’re on stage. He’s cut me out of his life.
IAN
Oh, Jesus. Don’t tell me you love him? I was just yanking your chain before.
KEVIN
No, of course not. I just liked being with him. Talking to him.
He hasn’t told you he loves you, has he?
KEVIN
No.
IAN
Nor will he.
KEVIN
He doesn’t love anyone. He’s a fucking stone. Otherwise he would’ve said something by now. He just doesn’t care.
IAN
I may vomit. You are in love with him. Head over heels and half way up the clacker. I thought it was just sex. How stupid.
KEVIN
It’s not like that. You know, in all the time we were together he never once kissed me. Not once. Not that I’m into that but you know….
IAN
Sweetheart, you haven’t known him as long as me. Five shows together. I’ve seen ‘em come and go… literally…and let me tell you Ken is not the sort you take home to meets the folks or send out engagement announcements for. He doesn’t love anyone but himself. You blow him, honey, not marry him.
TONY ENTERS
KEVIN
I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
TONY
Sorry Ian, the bar was closed.
IAN
Once more the bluebird of happiness takes a large dump in my lap.
DONNA ENTERS DRAGGING ROSLYN BEHIND HER. SHE STOPS IN FRONT OF KEVIN.
ROSLYN
Kevin, why are you wearing that?
DONNA
So…are you gonna tell me this is all true?
ROSLYN
Please Donna. Let me go. You’re hurting my arm.
DONNA
I just had to hear it for myself. Is it true?
KEVIN
I…
DONNA
Shut up, nonce! Roz?
ROSLYN
I, uh…
DONNA
I knew it!
IAN
Well, of course you knew it.
TONY
Everyone knew it. [BEAT] What do we know?
DONNA GLARES AT IAN AND TONY. THEY MOVE AWAY.
DONNA
Well…I’m stunned.
ROSLYN
Donna, let me explain.
DONNA
Explain? What’s there to explain? It’s perfectly straightforward. You’ve completely lost your mind and decided to get engaged to this screaming Mimi!
IAN
She could do a lot worse.
DONNA
No she bloody couldn’t!
ROSLYN
Donna, I was going to tell you.
DONNA
When?
ROSLYN
I was waiting for the right time.
DONNA
Right time? Would that have been the same right time just after you announced it to everyone else? Or perhaps you were going to tell me as they’re throwing the rice. Would that have been the right time? There is no right time!
IAN
My, she’s fierce. You know, I’ve never seen a lesbian in a full flight jealous rage. I must say it’s certainly a Kodak moment. [TO KEVIN] Told you she was a dyke.
DONNA
And why on God’s green earth did you pick him?
ROSLYN
Because unlike most men I know Kevin is kind and gentle.
IAN
And when he’s sucking dick he keeps his pinkie up. That’s because he’s classy.
DONNA
I am going to pummel you into a flat if you don’t shut your hole.
IAN
Hole closing.
ROSLYN
Please Donna. Kevin and I have already talked about this.
DONNA
Not to me! Don’t you think I might want to know about your filthy little secret? Don’t you think I might have something to say on the matter?
IAN
Unlike now.
DONNA GLARES AT HIM AGAIN. HE DOES A “MY LIPS ARE SEALED, THROW AWAY THE KEY” GESTURE. KEN ENTERS.
DONNA
And have you looked at your hubby to be? I mean, what’s wrong with this picture?
IAN
Actually, she’s right. That’s a shocking colour.
ROSLYN
Kevin, you wear dresses?
KEVIN
Sometimes. Is that okay?
ROSLYN
I guess so. [TO DONNA] So…he’s a little different.
DONNA
No. The moon falling out of the sky and crashing onto your friggin’ head, that’s a little different.
TONY
I don’t know what the big deal is.
KEN ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND KEVIN
DONNA
You don’t? I’ll tell you what the big deal is. He’s a flaming cross-dressing fagaramazoid with an penchant for linen. When he walks it’s not like he’s chewing a mintie. He’s opening the whole bag and tearing the wrappers. And she’s the woman I’ve been sleeping with for the past 3 months. That’s the big deal!
IAN
I thought you were sleeping with Trish?
DONNA
I am living with Trish. I told you. She wants me to move out.
ROSLYN
You said she was just a flatmate. And isn’t it your flat?
DONNA
It’s complicated.
ROSLYN
Is that why you never want me to come over. You’ve been sleeping with her?
DONNA
Was sleeping with her. There’s more to it. Let’s not change the subject!
ROSLYN
And yet you’re kicking up a stink about Kevin.
DONNA
That’s very different. I didn’t lie about Trish. I just…didn’t tell you. We can talk about that later?
ROSLYN
How convenient.
DONNA
You’re not marrying Kevin.
ROSLYN
I’ll do what I want. Kevin and I have a relationship now.
DONNA
And what about our relationship?
ROSLYN
Jesus, Donna. Does everyone have to know?
KEN
I didn’t know.
TONY
Me neither.
IAN
Ditto.
DONNA
Why would you? Why would any of you? I mean, it's not like you’d be interested in someone else’s problems when you all lead such fascinating lives. Did you know William mortgaged his house to do this show?!
TONY
What?
KEN
He what?
DONNA
That's right. There's no way in hell this play is paying for itself. Where did you think your salaries were coming from? Pixies? The company's about to go down the crapper. There isn't going to be a next play or a next season or any other season for that matter. All you think about is yourself. “What’s the next play? Will they use me? Is there a role for me.” You're so caught up in the pathetic minutiae of your pissy little existence you never see the big picture. How long did you think we’d be able keep doing this stuff? In case you haven’t noticed the crowds have been shit. The audiences don’t come. The critics, when they can be bothered turning up are usually patronising homophobic fuckwits who think every gay play needs an AIDS message and the gay press don’t give a rats unless they can make some cash out of it! So there you go...no audiences, no money, no funding and gosh, let me think, the one blessing in this whole debacle...no fucking actors! Come next Monday we're all of us out on our flabby arses! [TURNING TO ROSLYN] So...you wanna marry the Baroness Bruise here? Go for it. See if I care! Fuck…you know what I need now? A stiff bloody drink.
SHE GOES INTO THE PROPS BOX
TONY
Uh, I think the bar is locked.
SHE TAKES OUT A CLAW HAMMER AND EXITS.
DONNA
Wanna bet, sunshine?
TONY
No play. Bloody hell. What am I gonna do now?
IAN
The same as the rest of us. Back to waiting tables and looking for sugar daddies with a big bank balance and a heart condition.
TONY
It would have been nice if William had told us personally.
IAN
I think that was the plan before Donna stole his thunder. Jesus, it’s all so “Bold and the Beautiful”…but without the beautiful. Or the bold.
THERE IS THE SOUND OF CRASHING GLASS OFFSTAGE
On the other hand…the bar’s open, you say? Thank heavens someone has their head screwed on.
HE EXITS
KEVIN
Tony, Roz…could you give us moment alone?
ROSLYN
What? Oh sure. [TO TONY] C’mon, Sparky. Let’s go get plastered whilst Donna’s got the hammer.
THEY BOTH EXIT. KEN LOOKS AT KEVIN. KEVIN GETS UP AND GOES TO SIT NEXT TO KEN. KEVIN GETS UP AND MOVES AWAY FROM HIM.
KEVIN
Ken?
KEN
So…you’re getting married, huh?
KEVIN
Actually it’s just engaged. When you think about it…
KEN
Well I suppose I should congratulate you.
KEVIN
What? Oh, yeah thanks.
KEN
I’m sure you’ll be very happy together. Have you named the day yet? I hear you have to book months ahead to get somewhere decent.
KEVIN
Ken, stop. I know I should have told you earlier but…
KEN
Oh, no…I think finding out this way is perfect. To tell the truth I’m glad for you.
KEVIN
You are?
KEN
Of course. I mean, it’s obvious you’re both made for each other. She’s obviously very understanding. And I don’t feel so bad about us not seeing each other. I’ve been looking for an excuse to get out more anyway.
KEVIN
Why are you doing this?
KEN
Doing? Doing what?
KEVIN
You know perfectly well what. You were the one who stopped seeing me.
KEN
I thought it best if we kept it casual?
KEVIN
Casual? You haven’t spoken to me in three weeks! You think I might have been let in on the plan?
KEN
Look, I thought we agreed it was going to be hush-hush.
KEVIN
I never agreed to anything. You made that decision. I just went along with it.
KEN
Look, I can’t have a conversation with you wearing that ridiculous thing. Do you mind?
KEVIN
I like wearing this stuff.
KEN
I know you do. That’s the problem.
KEVIN RELUCTANTLY TAKES OFF THE REST OF THE BURQUA. HE IS WEARING A NORMAL SHIRT AND TROUSERS UNDERNEATH.
I really don’t know why you bother.
KEVIN
I thought you wouldn’t mind this. It’s not all the makeup and everything.
KEN
Look it doesn’t matter whether I mind or not. It’s your decision. You should do what you want.
KEVIN
What I want is for us to be friends again.
KEN
We were friends?
KEVIN
Don’t do this. You know we were.
KEN
Apparently I don’t know anything.
KEVIN
Why is it you never kissed me?
KEN
What? Is this what this is all about? You’re getting married to a woman because I never kissed you? Jesus.
KEVIN
Just answer me.
KEN
You’re a sloppy kisser.
KEVIN
No I’m not. And how would you know? You never tried.
KEN
I’m not the kissing type.
KEVIN
You’re not the anything type, are you? You’re like a fucking robot…
ROSLYN ENTERS UNSEEN BY THE OTHER TWO.
You turn it on and off and that’s it. I wish I was like that. I wish I could forget other people in the world but I can’t. I guess that’s because I have heartbeat. Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?
KEN SAYS NOTHING. KEVIN SIGHS AND EXITS. KEN LOOKS UP TO SEE ROSLYN SITTING THERE.
ROSLYN
I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t realise the two of you…you know.
KEN
There’s nothing to know.
ROSLYN
It was just an idea. I wanted to stay in the country.
KEN
As usual the noble sentiment of the homosexual who just wants to have more queers in the country. You know I think the religious Right are a lot more spot on than we give them credit. We do recruit. Only it’s not the locals. It’s anyone with an international passport. Fuck I hate queers. They’re so predictable. Every time you turn around it’s queer this and queer that. Why don’t they all just fuck off and get one with their lives instead of having a parade for every fucking thing! Someone’s come out gay. Let’s have a parade. Someone’s bought a new sweater. Let’s have a parade. You can’t turn the telly on for queer shit. Pissy little queens who nobody in their right mind would fuck selling the rainbow dream. Homophobic telly stations falling over themselves cos queens “is just so-oo entertaining.” Reality show Sydney flat-faggots with annoying laughs trying to tell us that every gay guy has a taste for mod reflector wall tiles and American foo-foo burgers trying to show Joe Dead-shit how much better he’d look in a sarong or where to stick that lamp. I’ll show them where they can stick it!. All of a sudden queer is the new black. Well I’ve got news for them. It ain’t. It’s just another bunch of sissy-Mary flamboyant faggots wearing their hearts on their sleeves, embarrassing the rest of us and they can just fuck off! I’d like to ram ever mother fucking queer-mo back into the sissy closet and drop it in wet cement somewhere out in the Pacific!
TONY ENTERS WITH A CAN OF BEER IN HIS HAND.
TONY
Listen, Ken, after the movie next week maybe we could…
KEN
Look, I don’t want to sleep with you okay!? So please just go away and leave me alone!
TONY WALKS AWAY, CREST FALLEN. ROSLYN LOOKS AT HIM.
ROSLYN
God, you are a real piece of work, aren’t you?
KEN
He’ll get over it.
ROSLYN
Well I hope to Christ he does because I don’t think I will. How did you get like this? Or is there an even bigger shit-head under all that?
KEN
He’s got a stupid crush is all. I’m just looking out for him.
ROSLYN
Rubbish. You look out for no-one but yourself. You’re completely self absorbed. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone else, onstage or off. Jesus. How do you operate? I’m amazed no-one’s killed you yet. You’re surly, stand-offish, you’ve taken obnoxious to new levels and from what I hear you’re pretty average in the tackle department so please explain to me why is it you need to be such an absolute creep! With a personality like yours and we’re talking one rung down from Ivan Milat I should think you would be a little nicer to people. It might encourage them to stick around longer than it takes to boil an egg! There’s two people who like you. Want to give you the time of day. The least you could be is a little gracious. Or is it too much to accept that other people exist in the world and have feelings? Well I’ve got a newsflash for you, sunshine. The day’s gonna come when people finally realise what a total tosser you are and they’ll walk away. That’s right. You’ll spew your last bit of bile and then you’ll be all alone, waking up in an empty bed with nothing and no-one. You’ll be just another one of those self-loathing dried-up piss elegant homos who get their kicks putting down waiters and shop staff and acting all superior to everyone else then they go home to a dark house and silence. Maybe the flaming faggots do wear their hearts on their sleeve but you’ve wrapped up all your hate around your heart and now you’re blaming the world for no-one liking you!
KEN
Have you finished?
ROSLYN
Almost. If you don’t mind me saying you’re also a pretty rotten actor as well!
SHE EXITS. HE STANDS STILL FOR A MOMENT.
KEN
Ah me. Mother always said there’d be days like this.
DONNA ENTERS CARRYING TWO CANS OF BEER. KEN LOOKS UP.
She went that-a-way.
DONNA
That’s alright. I’ll get her on the next loop. [GIVES HIM THE OTHER CAN] What’s the matter with you?
KEN
Apparently everything. Can I ask you something?
DONNA
Alright. But be careful. I’m feeling pretty fragile at the moment. I might have to run amok with an axe later on.
KEN
Do you think I’m surly?
DONNA
Oh it’s like that is it? Well…you do occasionally walk around a bit grumpy, biting people’s heads off. But we all do sometimes.
KEN
Stand-offish?
DONNA
You come across as a bit…reserved. But that’s okay. You’re a very private person.
KEN
Obnoxious?
DONNA
Ah.
SHE SAYS NOTHING FOR A WHILE
KEN
Great. Someone just kill me now and put everyone else out of their misery.
DONNA
No, no, no. You’re not that bad. Not really.
KEN
Surly, uncommunicative and obnoxious. Yes, I can see them as being terms of endearment.
DONNA
Sure, you put ‘em together like that and it doesn’t add up to a great package but…You’re not all three all at the same time. That’s gotta count for something. You’re just…complicated.
KEN
Yeah, that’s what people want to read on their tombstones. “He was complicated.” Why don’t they just write “ Here lies a cunt.” [LOOKS AT DONNA] If you don’t mind me using that word.
DONNA
If I had five cents for every time I’ve used it, and not just on politicians either, I wouldn’t being doing this “gay theatre” crap for starters. I’d be out there living it large.
KEN
Getting down and dirty.
DONNA
Getting me some poon tang.
KEN LOOKS AT HER DISGUSTED
I gotta stop watching those war movies. Look, you’re an actor. Of course you have to be difficult sometimes. People expect it. Just don’t abuse the privilege. Sometimes you gotta be nice to the people you care about. And I know you do care. Especially about him. You can puff yourself up as much as you want and try to be stone but I’ve seen the way you look at him sometimes so I know you have feelings for him. You might wanna be a little more honest with him and a little less judgemental. So he likes to put on a frock sometimes. Is that such a bad thing? At least he’s not wearing lime green ex-bridesmaid’s outfits or dressing like an 1960s astronaut’s wife like most of ‘em do. So that’s gotta be good, right? And he needs someone like you to look out for him. So do us all a favour and stop being so precious.
ROSLYN ENTERS FOLLOWED BY TONY AND IAN
Roz…
ROSLYN
Someone tell her I am not talking to her.
IAN
She’s not talking to you.
ROSLYN
She’s deceitful.
IAN
You’re deceitful.
ROSLYN
Dishonest.
IAN
You’re dishonest.
ROSLYN
Bossy.
IAN
You’re bossy and an arsehole.
DONNA LOOKS AT HIM
I knew where she was going with it.
DONNA
Tell her I’m sorry. I should have told her earlier and that I’ll try to make it up to her.
IAN
She…well, you heard her.
DONNA
And I love her.
ROSLYN
You do?
DONNA
Uh-huh.
ROSLYN GOES OVER AND KISSES HER. THE OTHERS CRINGE.
You’re not marrying him, okay?
ROSLYN
But…I want to stay in the country. I like it here.
DONNA
We’ll figure something out. We’ll tell immigration that you come from a repressive regime that hates gay people. Queensland or something. Don’t worry. I’ll look after you.
ROSLYN
Promise?
DONNA
[POINTING AT IAN] On his life.
IAN
Charming.
ROSLYN
What about Trish? Your “flatmate.” Won’t she be angry?
DONNA
Probably. Leave her to me.
KEVIN
Wait a minute. We had an arrangement.
ROSLYN
Sorry Kevin. Deals off.
KEVIN
But…but...don’t I get a say in all this?
KEN
No.
KEVIN
What?
KEN
I said no. You’re way too fond of yapping. Always yapping. Don’t you ever just “not talk”?
KEVIN
Why should I care what you…
KEN
Because I care! Okay?
PAUSE.
DONNA
Jesus. I don’t wanna hear anymore. We’re outta here.
ROSLYN
Bye
TONY ENTERS AS DONNA AND ROSLYN EXIT
KEVIN
You do?
KEN MOVES IN AND PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND KEVIN
KEN
Yes. And it seems lately I’ve been suffering from “Smack in Mouth” disease. Every time I open my mouth someone wants to smack it.
KEVIN
Not me.
KEN
Not you, no.
HE KISSES KEVIN. KEVIN IS TAKEN ABACK FOR A MOMENT
KEVIN
You know, I still like to wear them sometimes.
KEN
I know
KEVIN
And I’m gonna.
KEN
I won’t stop you.
KEVIN
Maybe even go to Safeways in them.
KEN
We’ll talk.
KEN NOTICES TONY STANDING THERE
KEN
Tony, what I said before…I’m really sorry.
TONY
Oh, that’s alright.
KEN
I have a lot on my plate at the moment.
TONY
So I can see. It’s cool.
KEN AND KEVIN EXIT. IAN AND TONY ARE SITTING THERE FOR A MOMENT.
IAN
You okay, sweet-cheeks?
TONY
I guess.
IAN
No need to be so forlorn. It was inevitable. They’re made for each other. In other words they’re as painful to watch as a Big Brother reunion. You were just humping up the wrong tree.
TONY
I really liked him, you know?
IAN
Yes, well, I hate to say it but that’s cho-bizness.
TONY
Why doesn’t anyone fall in love with me?
IAN
I...uh..
TONY
I mean, I’m a nice person right?
IAN
Right.
TONY
I’m not too ugly?