Donald Baigent & Joab McMicking in the
Stables Theatre, Sydney production. 2000
a play by steven dawson
Note:
This play can very easily be misinterpreted and
occassionally has been done. It is a comedy. It is also a gentle tongue
in cheek homage to theatre and gay theatre in particular so it should be
treated as such. The only serious parts in the whole thing are the play
within the play but even those scenes have the odd bit of humour. Just
a few points. Read the stage directions. They are integral to the story
and there are many visual gags which add to the fun and plot. Any music
cues are there for a reason and require no substitute. It is to be
performed by 6 men only [Check the original casting. Two actors really
work overtime with the costume changes but it can be done] on a bare stage.
Don't complicate matters. This play is meant to be light and frothy and
sometimes moving. Any further questions pls contact me if you can.
Steven
First
Performance
Midsumma
Festival
16th
January 1998
David
Williamson Theatres, Melbourne Australia
Cast
As Follows
| Daniel | Paul Marshall |
| Actor 1/John | Christopher White |
| Actor 2/Michael | Adam Chamberlain |
| Brian | Raymond Rich |
| Henry/Terry/Rawanda/Biggles | Iain Murton |
| Desmond/Lesley/Samuel/Guy | Robbie Macfarlane |
| Directed by | Steven Dawson |
| Produced by | Out Cast Theatre |
| Stage Manager | Lana Schwartz |
| Asst. Stage Manager | Will Holt |
| Production Manager | Rowena Doo |
Characters
| Daniel | A Writer |
| Brian | A Director |
| John | An Actor |
| Actor 1 | A Character |
| Michael | An Actor |
| Actor 2 | A Character |
| Henry | A Producer |
| Biggles | A Publicist |
| Rawanda | A Stage Manager |
| Terry | A Designer |
| Guy | A Doctor |
| Desmond | An Actor |
| Samuel | An Actor |
| Lesley | A Stage Hand |
Henry also plays Biggles, Terry and Rawanda. John also plays Actor 1. Michael also plays Actor 2. Guy also plays Desmond, Samuel & Lesley
All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.
Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.
This
play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade
or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without
the author or his agent's prior consent in any form of binding or cover
other than that in which it is published and without similar condition
including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Any application for performance must be made to:
RICK
RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O.
Box 445, Paddington
NSW,
Australia, 2021
Telephone
61 2 9281 9622
Fax
61 2 92127100
raftos@raftos.com.au
Copyright © Steven Dawson 1997.
Raymond
Rich as Brian, Paul Marshall as Daniel, Iain Murton as Terry and Robbie
Macfarlane as Lesley
in
Out Cast Theatre's production of Big Dicks On Stage.
BIG DICKS ON STAGE
SCENE ONE
MUSIC: ALANIS MORRISETTE SINGING "HAND IN MY POCKET" AS THE TWO ACTORS ENTER AND FACE EACH OTHER. THEY WALK INTO THE AUDIENCE AND DO A BIT OF LAP DANCING UNTIL THEIR SHIRTS ARE REMOVED. THEY MOVE BACK ONTO THE STAGE, TONGUE EACH OTHER, ONE SLIDES DOWN THE TORSO OF THE OTHER AND STARTS UNDOING THE OTHER ACTOR'S BELT WITH HIS TEETH. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS THERE IS YELLING COMING FROM THE AUDIENCE. THE MUSIC STOPS.
DANIEL
[OFF]
Wait a minute! Stop right there.
DANIEL ENTERS FROM THE AUDIENCE AND YELLS AT THE ACTORS. HE IS ALWAYS HOLDING A SCRIPT.
You. Get your hands off him. I'm having none of that! Put your clothes back on. That's not what I had in mind so you can stop right there. Fucking actors.
THE ACTORS STOP UNDRESSING. THEY LOOK PISSED OFF. DANIEL ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.
DANIEL
Okay,
so it started with this little idea. These two guys meet fall in love.
Simple. [HE LOOKS AT THE ACTORS] Well, go on.
DANIEL GOES BACK TO HIS SEAT IN THE AUDIENCE. THE ACTORS FACE EACH OTHER. ACTOR 2 IS LOOKING AROUND, TRYING TO REMAIN CALM, FUMBLING WITH HIS HOUSE KEYS. THEY FREEZE WHENEVER DANIEL STARTS TALKING.
ACTOR
2
Sorry
about the mess. I wasn't expecting to bring someone home.
ACTOR
1
Oh,
don't worry...I've seen...[HE LOOKS AROUND] It really is messy, isn't it?
You live here by yourself or do you rent it out to gypsies?
ACTOR
2
I
think gypsies might be neater. I don't have much time to clean up. I'm
out of town a lot.
ACTOR
1
You're
not with an airline, are you?
ACTOR
2
No.
Why do you ask?
ACTOR
1
Nothing.
Just checking.
DANIEL
[JUMPING
UP AGAIN] I just wanted it to be a simple story. You see, I'd had this
rotten relationship although at the time I didn't know it was rotten. [HE
LOOKS AT THE ACTORS AGAIN] Oh sorry. And…again. [RUNS BACK TO HIS SEAT.]
ACTOR
2
Would
you like some coffee?
ACTOR
1
No
not really.
ACTOR
2
How
about a drink?
ACTOR
1
Sure.
What do you have?
ACTOR
2
Er...actually
I don't think there's anything here. I don’t really shop much either.
ACTOR
1
Then
I'll skip the drink, thanks.
AWKWARD PAUSE.
ACTOR
2
Water?
ACTOR
1
No,
thanks.
ACTOR
2
Why
don't you have a seat?
ACTOR 1 LOOKS AROUND. THERE ARE NO CHAIRS.
ACTOR
1
Maybe
I'll stand. Thanks.
ACTOR
2
Look,
I should be honest with you. I don't do this very often.
ACTOR
1
Well,
so far you haven't done anything. Let's leave the apologies until we’re
naked.
ACTOR
2
What?
No, I mean, I don't bring people back too often.
ACTOR
1
Why?
Do they keep stealing the furniture?
THEY FREEZE AS DANIEL COMES BACK ON STAGE. THE LIGHTS FADE DOWN ON THE ACTORS AND A SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON DANIEL.
DANIEL
You
see, I was sitting up late one night. I couldn't get to sleep. I didn't
want to sit at the computer because it's always the same thing. I get bored
after a few minutes playing games and then I want to get onto the net and
hook into the gay chat lines. You know, gay military, gay bears, queens
with no lives dot com. Then usual thing happens. You hook into someone,
it starts getting horny and you end up having a one handed typing conversation.
I'm gonna end up with either RSI or a prostate the size of a pineapple.
Anyway, I didn't want to sit at the computer so I'm on the lounge under
a doona and I pop on the telly. Now I'm not a telly freak but imagine my
surprise when all of a sudden I'm staring at Steve McQueen. It's The Blob.
Well, it's one of my favourite movies of all time, well, from when I was
a kid anyway. He's cruising around in a big car, looking hot and a helluva
lot older than the teenager he's supposed to be. Looks real horny in a
50's, Leave It To Beaver kind of way but you know he's not that innocent
because in real life he was apparently a bit of a stud and again you want
to have a one handed conversation. But then I started getting into the
movie. Hey, it's 4 in the morning. What else you gonna do? Now if you don’t
already know, The Blob is a 50's sci-fi cheapo flick where this meteor
crashes into this woodland area near a small town in America because that's
the place where meteors land, right? This old guy sees it land, goes over
and pokes it with a stick, it opens up and this red glump of stuff looking
like Cottees strawberry jam attaches itself to his stick, then leaps up
and globs onto his arm. Very attractive. I won’t tell you the rest of the
story except in a nutshell; it ends up eating him and everyone else in
town. Boy, I know that feeling. It keeps getting bigger until it's this
huge massive thing that absorbs everything it touches and gets completely
out of control. That is, until Steve hits it with a fire extinguisher,
it hates that, they dump it on the North Pole; roll credits; everybody
go home; good night nurse; bring on the sequel. Well. I was depressed!
Here was this poor little blob, just wanting to travel, hitches a ride
on a star, lands in Buttfuck USA and then gets the jam kicked out if it!
From what was once this little innocent thing simply minding it's own business,
some bunch of yahoos start poking around with it and it becomes this monster
that nobody can control…
HE MOVES TO STAGE RIGHT AS BRIAN ENTERS TO CENTRE. THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE THE ACTORS SHOULD FACE FRONT AS IF TALKING ON A PHONE.
DANIEL
I've
written this play…
BRIAN
Sounds
wonderful.
DANIEL
You
don’t even know what it's about.
BRIAN
What's
it about?
DANIEL
Two
guys fall in love.
BRIAN
Sounds
wonderful.
DANIEL
Maybe
you better read it first.
BRIAN
Maybe
I better read it first.
DANIEL
You
might hate it.
BRIAN
How
could I hate it?
DANIEL
It
might suck.
BRIAN
Do
you think it sucks?
DANIEL
No.
BRIAN
Then
I'm sure I'll love it. I'm your number one fan
DANIEL
You
sound like Kathy Bates.
BRIAN
You
look like Kathy Bates. I want to direct it.
DANIEL
Are
you sure?
BRIAN
You're
my favourite writer.
DANIEL
How
many playwrights do you know?
BRIAN
[PAUSE]
You're my favourite writer.
DANIEL
It's
a very simple story. People may not like it.
BRIAN
What
are you talking about? People love your work.
DANIEL
It's
past tense. People loved my work. Long ago. One hit play then bang, you
can almost hear crickets.
BRIAN
Everyone
loves your plays.
DANIEL
That’s
just it. They love my plays. They just want someone else to write them.
They all say the same thing. "We love your plays but could you make the
characters a little more straight?"
BRIAN
So
make the characters a little more straight.
DANIEL
You
sound like my agent. I can't. I can't just "write straight." I've forgotten
what it was like. You know my dialogue. It's doesn't sound right when it
comes from a straight person. No-one straight is that funny. I'm even more
suspicious about most queens.
BRIAN
So
leave it alone.
DANIEL
It
should be kept small.
BRIAN
Size
isn’t everything.
DANIEL
Thank
you DR Feelgood? Shut up. I mean the play. It has to be kept small. You
know, intimate theatre. It's a gentle piece. I don't want it ruined.
BRIAN
No
vampires?
DANIEL
No
fucking vampires! No disco lighting, smoke machines, dry ice and especially
no bloody white makeup. Keep it simple and honest. No special effects.
No Starlight Express.
BRIAN
[DRYLY]
How about a bit of lippy and a hurricane lamp?
DANIEL
Perfect.
BRIAN
We're
gonna need a producer.
DANIEL
Oh-ho.
BRIAN
You
got the money to put it on?
DANIEL
No.
BRIAN
Then
shut up. I've got the perfect sucker, I mean person in mind.
DANIEL
Is
he
gay?
BRIAN MAKES A NOISE
Okay. Sorry.
BRIAN
Know
any straight ones? He has the right connections. And it just so happens
that he loved your last play.
DANIEL
No
one came to the last one.
BRIAN
Well
he did…I think.
DANIEL
Oh
good.
BRIAN
And
more importantly, he's loaded.
DANIEL
What?
All the time?
BRIAN
With
money.
DANIEL
Oh.
And he's willing to throw some away on a gay play?
BRIAN
That's
right.
DANIEL
I'm
suspicious already. I don't know that many queens eager to part with the
readies unless it's for drugs or a new party frock. I sometimes think getting
money out of a queen is like pulling teeth from a pig.
BRIAN
I
think you mean "chicken."
DANIEL
I
know what I mean.
BRIAN
Well
it's a good thing for you not everyone is that shallow.
DANIEL
So
what do we do now?
BRIAN
We
call him.
BRIAN MOVES STAGE LEFT AS HENRY ENTERS TO CENTRE
HENRY
[LOOKING
AT THE ACTORS] Lovely, lovely. [FACES AUDIENCE] Hello darling. What the
fuck do you want?
BRIAN
Hen,
you're really going to have to change your phone manner. You could make
a sailor swoon.
HENRY
As
long as it's to waist level. Brian, petal, where the hell have you been?
I never see you anymore. They miss you down at the morgue. Sorry, I mean
the Load…Lard...Laird.
BRIAN
Well,
you know me. Hilda Homebody.
HENRY
Honey
you should get down there. It's hysterical during winter. It's either ten
tits or a tusk. All those flabby flannelettes looking for love. Until sun
bake season that is. Then its "Sorry. I need my space. See you next ice
age." If I didn't piss myself constantly I'd feel for the fuckers.
BRIAN
Sorry
dear I like 'em a bit younger.
HENRY
Oh
still cruising the kinders, are we?
BRIAN
As
long as they've old enough to drive.
HENRY
You
home, you mean. Sweetheart you don't want a root. You want a chauffeur.
But really you should pop down there again. You hardly ever see any toe
tags anymore. Or maybe it's because you're not there.
BRIAN
Nice
try bitch.
HENRY
Now
what the hell do you want?
BRIAN
Your
head on a spike but I'll settle for your cash.
HENRY
Charmer.
BRIAN
Henry,
you know how you're always saying you're sick of putting money into shows
that are a dog's breakfast or they never get up.
HENRY
We
are talking about shows, aren't we?
BRIAN
That's
right.
BRIAN MENTIONS THE LATEST LOCAL THEATRICAL FLOP. THEY BOTH CRINGE, SPIT AND LAUGH.
Well I've come across this darling little piece you're just gonna have to do. And guess what? I've got the writer on my extension.
HENRY
I'll
bet you have.
BRIAN
Henry,
he's that writer you love. You've even seen one of his plays.
HENRY
I
have? Where?
BRIAN
That
little show we saw in that garage last year. About the seven gay vampires
that cruise bars eating fags, and one of them looked like Nana Mouskouri
or something like that.
HENRY
Nope.
BRIAN
Lots
of symbolism. Crucifixes and cockrings.
HENRY
Still
blank.
BRIAN
Had
the cute Greek guy with the nice arse.
HENRY
Know
it! Loved it.
THE ACTORS START TO FIDGET.
ACTOR
2
A-hem.
ACTOR
1
Excuse
me. Are you going to need us for the rest of this scene?
ACTOR
2
It's
getting kinda cold.
BRIAN & HENRY LOOK AT THEM THEN AT DANIEL.
DANIEL
Uh,
yes. Thanks. That'll be all for the moment.
BOTH
ACTORS
Great.
THEY START TALKING AS THEY EXIT.
ACTOR
2
Well,
that went well.
ACTOR
1
My
dear, we were fine. As for the guy playing the writer…well, it’s not the
way I would have played it. Thinks she's doing fucking Hamlet.
ACTOR
2
Who?
ACTOR
1
Some
character from King Lear.
ACTOR
2
Oh.
THEY EXIT LAUGHING
BRIAN
And
we thought we'd do you a little favour and show it to you first.
HENRY
Boy,
how often have I heard that and then bang I am so-oo disappointed.
BRIAN
Are
we still talking about the play?
HENRY
Sure.
Why not.
BRIAN
Henry,
I think you're just the person to produce it.
HENRY
What's
it about?
BRIAN
It's
about 2 people who fall in love. Doesn't that just make you want to cry?
HENRY
I'm
wet just thinking about it. What else?
BRIAN
Er…well…it's…
DANIEL
[JUMPING
IN] It's about honesty and true sentiment.
HENRY
My
God! Who's that?
BRIAN
I
told you. I've got the writer on the other end.
HENRY
Oh,
my. I really thought you were getting a blowjob from one of your rent boys.
BRIAN
Honey,
I couldn't get someone into my pants if they were lined with silver.
HENRY
Makes
a change from what they're usually lined with. Well speak up dear boy.
I won't bite.
BRIAN
Leave
your teeth in the glass? Watch her, Daniel. She could suck a yacht through
a yashmak and not break a thread.
HENRY
Like
you'd know. You should get back to your cell before you’re missed. So Daniel,
you were saying about this little play of yours….
DANIEL
Well,
it's a story about two guys who fall in love but can't deal with the harsh
realities of a relationship.
HENRY
Is
it funny?
DANIEL
I
guess.
HENRY
Well
that's a plus. Does it have a happy ending?
DANIEL
Kinda.
HENRY
Will
I be a better person for having seen it or will I slash my wrists before
I get to the car park?
DANIEL
No,
no, it's not that bad. It kinda ends on an up.
HENRY
Half
it's luck. And no one dies in it? I mean I couldn't bear to watch another
gay play about brave queens who pop their clogs before interval then someone
spends the whole second act talking to ghosts!
DANIEL
No,
everyone lives.
HENRY
And
it's a love story?
DANIEL
And
it's a love story.
HENRY
About
two boys who fall in love.
DANIEL
Actually
they're men. Not boys. Two guys in their forties who fall in love then
fall out, then get on with their lives.
HENRY
They're
over 40 and gay? What kind of lives have they got to get on with? They
should be drawing a pension, I'm thinking.
DANIEL
These
guys need to have some emotional baggage when they meet.
HENRY
So
give one of them a limp. No, I think we need to make them a little younger.
I mean, who's gonna care about two middle aged queens?
BRIAN
Other
middle aged queens.
HENRY
I've
met them both. They don't go out.
DANIEL
These
guys have to have some life experience. The only people under 35 I know
think life experience is lasting the whole night in the same cubicle.
HENRY
Yes
but gay men want to see young men on stage. They don’t want to see some
tired old slag. They're usually leaving their homes and going to the theatre
just to get away from one.
DANIEL
I
don't want to change anything.
BRIAN
No
one wants you to change a thing. But we have to be flexible, Daniel, and
Henry does have a point. It's what gay audiences respond to. At least promise
me you'll consider it.
DANIEL
I….
BRIAN
That's
if you want to get it on.
DANIEL
Of
course I do…
BRIAN
There
now, that's settled. Henry? What do you say?
HENRY
Sounds
a darling. Okay, I'll do it. Brian, we need to look at budgets and timing.
I think the sooner the better, don't you?
DANIEL
Wait.
Don't you want to read it?
HENRY
I'm
sure it's a lovely piece of work. Brenda, send me over a copy and we'll
talk more.
HENRY EXITS.
DANIEL
And
you're going to keep it simple, right?
BRIAN
Trust
me.
THE LIGHTS FADE ON HENRY, BRIAN AND DANIEL EXITING. THE TWO ACTORS RE-ENTER AND FACE EACH OTHER.
SCENE
TWO
ACTOR
2
You
know…you're pretty funny.
ACTOR
1
Yeah,
well, one night stands bring out the Noel Coward in me.
ACTOR
2
Oh...er...I
didn't know that's what you wanted.
ACTOR
1
What?
Noel Coward?
ACTOR
2
No.
A one night stand.
ACTOR
1
What?
What did you...
ACTOR
2
Sorry.
Let's just forget it. Maybe I should take you back to the disco.
ACTOR
1
I
don't underst...
ACTOR
2
It's
still a bit early. You could still find someone.
ACTOR
1
Wait.
Wait a minute. You want me to go?
ACTOR
2
No,
I don't want you to go. But...that's not what I'm looking for. I don't
want someone for one night. I thought you might...like me.
ACTOR
1
What?
I do like you. In the brief five minutes we spent sharing a taxi I've come
to have deep and lasting feelings for you.
ACTOR
2
You're
having a joke again, aren't you?
ACTOR
1
Of
course I'm having a joke, you schmuck! You've only just met me. What’s
liking you got to do with anything. This is sex. We shouldn't be even having
this conversation.
ACTOR
2
I'm
sorry.
ACTOR
1
Why
are you sorry?
ACTOR
2
I
just thought I'd like to get to know you better…you know?
ACTOR
1
Why?
ACTOR
2
How
the hell should I know! I just thought it would be good that's all.
ACTOR
1
Are
you sure you want to have this conversation?
ACTOR
2
No.
Of course I don't. It's just...I better take you home.
ACTOR
1
No...wait.
[PAUSE. ACTOR 1 LOOKS AT HIM FOR A MOMENT THEN GIVES IN] Well...what sort
of person are you? I mean, I don't know anything about you. You could be
an axe murderer or a Mormon or something.
ACTOR
2
I'm
not.
ACTOR
1
What?
Axe murderer or Mormon?
ACTOR
2
Both.
ACTOR
1
And
I have your word for that?
ACTOR 1 SMILES AT HIM. ACTOR 2 SMILES BACK.
ACTOR
2
Yeah.
ACTOR
1
Look,
maybe you made a mistake. I should tell you. I'm not good at relationships.
I've had four...
ACTOR
2
That's
not many.
ACTOR
1
This
year.
ACTOR
2
Oh.
ACTOR
1
So
you can see I haven't got a great track record. Tell me why you thought
it could be more than sex.
ACTOR
2
Because
you looked so unhappy.
ACTOR
1
Yeah
well there's a basis for starting a relationship.
ACTOR
2
I've
seen you before, you know.
ACTOR
1
Oh,
really? Where?
ACTOR
2
Oh,
around.
ACTOR
1
Well,
that's nice and specific. I guess it must've been me then.
ACTOR
2
You
sure do talk a lot, you know.
ACTOR
1
So
I've been told.
ACTOR
2
It
doesn't bother me though. At least you've got something to say. So many
people I know talk but they don’t say anything.
ACTOR
1
I
haven't...[BEAT] Look, I know what you're trying to do.
ACTOR
2
What?
ACTOR
1
You're
trying to "get to know me", aren't you? Don't deny it.
ACTOR
2
Sure.
What's wrong with that?
ACTOR
1
Nothing
if you're husband hunting. I'm not. I'm just after the sex!!
ACTOR
2
Sex
ain't all there is.
ACTOR
1
It
is if you haven't had it in weeks.
ACTOR
2
Try
months.
ACTOR
1
I
think I'd kill myself if [BEAT] you haven't had sex in months?
ACTOR
2
Not
really.
ACTOR
1
What
do you mean "Not really"? You've either had it or you haven't.
ACTOR
2
Then
I guess I haven't.
ACTOR
1
If
I don't have sex at least once a week I slap the cat. Why haven't you had
it? What's wrong with you? You're gay, aren't you? Or are you doing research
for a thesis or something?
ACTOR
2
No.
There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just not all that interested in sex.
ACTOR
1
Then
why did you invite me home?
ACTOR
2
I
told you. I just wanted to get to know you.
ACTOR
1
I
think we're going in circles. Look, you're probably a nice person but I
don't think this is any good for...
ACTOR
2
Why
did you come home with me?
ACTOR
1
I
told you. I thought there was sex in the air.
ACTOR
2
If
it's that important we could do that too.
ACTOR
1
What
"too"? That's all I thought was happening.
ACTOR
2
Do
you have many one night stands?
ACTOR
1
I'm
not gonna tell you the answer to that!
ACTOR
2
Have
there been lots?
ACTOR
1
Persistent,
aren't you?
ACTOR
2
I've
been told that.
ACTOR
1
Well,
since you ask, no. I don't go off with every person I meet.
ACTOR
2
You
did tonight.
ACTOR
1
Yeah,
well, you got me at a weak moment. I'd finished my drink.
ACTOR
2
Maybe
you drink too much.
ACTOR
1
Maybe
I do a lot of things too much.
ACTOR
2
I'm
not criticising.
ACTOR
1
That's
okay. [PAUSE] You're probably right anyway. I better go.
ACTOR
2
You
want me to take you home?
ACTOR
1
You
got a car?
ACTOR
2
No.
ACTOR
1
Then
how you gonna take me home?
ACTOR
2
We
could get a taxi.
ACTOR
1
Then
we'd end up at my place. What’s the point of that?
ACTOR
2
I
just enjoyed sitting in the taxi with you coming here.
ACTOR
1
Oh,
that's good. You’re not into sex but you give great taxi.
ACTOR
2
That's
just about it.
ACTOR
1
Well
I think you should really get to know a person before you use and abuse
them. Bye
ACTOR 1 GOES TO LEAVE. ACTOR 2 GRABS HIS HAND.
ACTOR
2
Stay
the night.
ACTOR
1
Why?
ACTOR
2
I
like you.
ACTOR
1
You
don’t know anything about me.
ACTOR
2
I
think I know enough about you to want to get to know you better. I like
talking to you.
ACTOR
1
Talking
is easy. It's the other things that take a bit more work.
ACTOR
2
I'm
a hard worker. Stay the night.
ACTOR
1
I
can't. You want more.
ACTOR
2
I
don't want more. I just want you.
ACTOR 1 IS SWEPT AWAY FOR A MOMENT THEN TURNS TO HIM. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.
ACTOR
1
Kiss
me.
ACTOR
2
What?
ACTOR
1
We're
gonna have to start somewhere. Usually I can tell from the way a person
kisses if we're compatible. Kiss me.
ACTOR 2 KISSES HIM LIGHTLY ON THE CHEEK.
I think we're gonna have big problems.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS COME UP ON ACTOR 2 AND ACTOR 1 STANDING WITH A SHEET COVERING THEM AND TUCKED UNDER THEIR ARMS
ACTOR
1
Well,
still waters run deep. [TO AUDIENCE] It's always the quiet ones. [TO ACTOR
2] I thought you weren't into sex.
ACTOR
2
I'm
not...that much.
ACTOR
1
You
could've fooled me. How long was it?
ACTOR 2 LOOKS SHOCKED
I mean, how long did it take?
ACTOR
2
[LOOKING
AT HIS WATCH] Twenty minutes.
ACTOR
1
Twenty
minutes? I think I may have broken my personal best?
ACTOR
2
You
wanna go for a State record.
ACTOR
1
I'm
not nineteen anymore.
ACTOR
2
You're
only as young as you feel.
ACTOR
1
Yeah,
I feel like I could have a heart attack. We should be getting up. How long
have we been here?
ACTOR
2
[LOOKING
AT HIS WATCH] Seven hours.
ACTOR
1
Jesus.
It's almost night time again. I gotta go and feed my cat.
ACTOR 2 SNUGGLES INTO HIM AND STARTS TO SINK BENEATH THE COVERS. ACTOR 1 STARTS TO SQUIRM.
I never liked that cat anyway.
BLACKOUT
SCENE THREE
SONG: "TOMORROW" FROM ANNIE. LIGHTS UP ON DESMOND SINGING, BADLY, THE LAST CHORUS AS PART OF HIS AUDITION. BRIAN AND HENRY ARE IN THE FRONT AS PART OF THE AUDIENCE. DESMOND IS COMPLETELY OUT OF BREATH. HE PULLS OUT A VENTOLIN SPRAY AND TAKES A PUFF.
BRIAN
Thank
you....
DESMOND
[PUFFING
ON VENTOLIN SPRAY] Desmond.
BRIAN
Of
course it is and why shouldn't it be. Well, that was really...what can
I say? Good isn't the word.
BRIAN ELBOWS HENRY WHO HAS JUST BEEN SMILING.
HENRY
Huh?
[HE LOOKS AT BRIAN.] Oh. [HE PULLS TWO EARS PLUGS OUT OF HIS EARS.]
BRIAN
I
said good isn't the word.
HENRY
You
can say that again, Brenda.
BRIAN
[LOOKS
AT RESUME] I must say…you've certainly done a lot of shows.
DESMOND
Yes.
THERE IS A STRANGE HISS SOUND EVERYTIME DESMOND MAKES AN "S" SOUND. BRIAN AND HENRY LOOK TO SEE WHERE IT IS COMING FROM.
BRIAN
You've
done Annie, obviously. What did you play in that? Daddy Warbucks or ...
DESMOND
Miss
Hannigan, actually.
BRIAN
Miss
Hannigan? What was it. A revue or something?
DESMOND
No,
no. Did it 2 years ago. All male company in Sydney.
BRIAN
All
male? How innovative.
HENRY
Must
have packed them in.
BRIAN
Oh,
and I see you've done La Cage....8 times.
DESMOND
Eight.
Yes that's right.
BRIAN
I
would have thought most actors would have managed to grasp every nuance
of that script after one production. Some a lot less.
HENRY
Most
before interval.
DESMOND
It's
a wonderful show.
BRIAN
Well,
I suppose if you do a major role like that you can alway find something
fresh.
DESMOND
No,
no. I was just in the chorus. ["S" SOUND]
BRIAN & HENRY ARE STUNNED
HENRY
Who
is your fucking agent?
BRIAN
So...you've
read the play?
DESMOND
Er,
I think so.
HENRY
You
think so?
DESMOND
Er,
yes. I don't think I got all of it. I mean, where do the songs come in?
BRIAN
Songs?
DESMOND
Yes,
I couldn't worked out where the songs fit in?
HENRY
Uh,
perhaps we didn't make it clear. This is a play.
BRIAN
There
aren't any songs.
DESMOND LOOKS PUZZLED
DESMOND
A
play?
BRIAN
That's
right. A play.
DESMOND
A
play.
BRIAN
Mm-mm.
No songs.
HENRY
You've
done plays before, haven't you?
DESMOND
A
play?
BRIAN
Er,
thank you. We'll let you know.
DESMOND EXITS MOUTHING THE WORDS "A PLAY?" MUSIC FROM "LA CAGE" IS PLAYING.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP ON MICHAEL IS IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS AUDITION.
MICHAEL
[YELLING]…."So
who the fuck do you think you are?!"
HE STOPS AND LOOKS AT HENRY & BRIAN WHO ARE IN SHOCK. DANIEL SITS UPSTAGE BEHIND HIM.
HENRY
Er…lovely,
lovely.
BRIAN
Thank
you Michael. That was great.
MICHAEL
Sorry.
I lost the lines a bit in middle there. I haven't done much stage work
for a while. The telly series I was in didn't have much of what you could
call real dialogue. That I had to learn anyway.
HE GRABS HIS CROTCH. THE OTHERS JUMP.
HENRY
Er…hardly
noticeable, dear boy.
BRIAN
So
tell us a little about yourself, Michael. We know you've been in that police
show for god knows how many dog years.
MICHAEL
Well,
I'm 5 foot 11 in flat shoes, green eyes, it's all in my resume.
BRIAN
No,
tell us something about you.
MICHAEL
Oh.
Well I grew up in Bendigo. One of 6 kids. My dad's a butcher.
HENRY
Well,
can you be a little butcher than that? Butcher mouth around this!
MICHAEL
Sorry?
HENRY
Er…old
joke. Never mind.
BRIAN
Do
go on.
DANIEL
Have
you read the play?
MICHAEL
Oh,
not completely. Just the pages my agent sent me. Maybe you could tell me
quickly.
DANIEL
Don't
you think it might be better if…
BRIAN
That's
okay darling boy. In a nutshell it's about two men falling in love.
MICHAEL
With
each other?
DANIEL
No.
With their navel lint. Of course you stupid fuc…
BRIAN
Er…yes
that's right. You don’t have any objection to playing a gay character,
do you?
MICHAEL
No,
not at all. I went to VCA.
HENRY
Well,
Jessica Crustacean! Give him a frock!
MICHAEL
Look,
I should tell you. I'm not gay.
HENRY
Well,
don't worry darling. It doesn't show from here. Would you like lessons?
Classes start in 5 minutes in the back seat of my Honda Civic.
MICHAEL
Would
that be a problem?
BRIAN
Not
at all. But what about your telly fans? Wouldn't they feel a little cheated
that you're doing a gay role?
MICHAEL
I
don’t care about my fans. I need to grow as an actor. I need to stretch
myself.
HENRY
I
have just the thing.
BRIAN
Just
as long as you know that this play requires you to kiss another man.
MICHAEL
I
can do that.
BRIAN
With
conviction.
MICHAEL
I
can do that.
BRIAN
With
passion.
MICHAEL
I
can do that.
HENRY
With
your tongue down his throat and your finger up his arse!
MICHAEL
I
can…
HENRY
[FANNING
HIMSELF] I think I need to lie down a bit.
BRIAN
It's
okay Michael. We won't need you to go that far. Thanks for stopping by.
MICHAEL
Sure.
No problem. Thanks for seeing me.
HE GRABS HIS CROTCH AGAIN. THE OTHERS JUMP. MICHAEL EXITS. HENRY & BRIAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER. DANIEL SITS WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
BRIAN
So
what did we think?
HENRY
Well,
he has a very strong physique, nice voice, well modulated, has lots of
presence.
BRIAN
And?
HENRY
I'd
hump his brains out in a flat second.
BRIAN
Good
old Henrietta. Professional as always. Daniel?
DANIEL
He's
fucked!
BRIAN
No,
really. What are you saying?
DANIEL
I
wanted to drive a nail into his head. He was posing the whole time. I hate
actors who don’t know when to drop the show. Fucking telly actors. And
did you hear that voice? "I can do that." [GRABS HIS CROTCH. THE OTHERS
JUMP.] It was like someone disembowelling a parrot.
BRIAN
Did
you think he was cute?
DANIEL
Yep.
BRIAN
Me
too. I liked him.
DANIEL
Wait
a minute. You're not seriously thinking about casting him?
HENRY
He's
perfect. That strong animal magnetism. You can't take your eyes off him.
And lets not forget, he's marketable. He's got a name.
DANIEL
Jesus.
HENRY
That's
a good name too but hard to sell in a queeny play. And lets face it, this
boy comes with an audience no matter what he thinks of them.
BRIAN
I
agree.
THEY STARE HIM DOWN. HE GOES BACK TO HIS SEAT.
So how many more have we got?
HENRY
Last
two.
BRIAN
Thank
Christmas for that.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS BACK UP ON SAMUEL. HENRY IS ALMOST ASLEEP
SAMUEL
[DEEP
SHAKESPEREAN VOICE] Last scene of all that ends this journey is second
childhood and mere oblivion. [SLOWLY] Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste,
sans…everything.
BRIAN
Er…thank
you Samuel. Very well done. Nicely presented.
HENRY
I
see you've been with the Bell Shakespeare for two years. Impressive. Well,
there's not much call for codpieces or iambic pentameter in this little
production. Doing a modern play won’t cause any problems?
SAMUEL
[MAJOR
SPEECH DEFECT] Not at all. I've also done lots of plays in modern settings.
Pinter in a pipe, Beckett in a box and of course the obligatory seasonal
Shakespeare by the sea.
HENRY AND BRIAN ARE STUNNED.
HENRY
Thank
you Shamuel…er…Samuel.
HE EXITS. THEY TEAR UP HIS RESUME.
HENRY
[SAME
SPEECH IMPEDIMENT] Next!
THEY ARE LAUHGING AS JOHN STICKS HIS HEAD IN.
JOHN
Hi.
BRIAN
Oh,
hi.
JOHN
I'm
sorry. Am I early? There was no-one else outside. I wasn't sure. My name's
John Harding.
BRIAN
No,
no. That's fine. Come on in. John, my name's Brian. This is Henry, the
producer.
JOHN
Hi.
HENRY
Hello.
BRIAN
And
this is the writer. His name is Daniel Ryan
JOHN
[OVER-AWED]
Hi.
DANIEL
[STILL
BROODING] Hi, yourself.
JOHN
I
just want to say…I..I really love your work.
DANIEL
What?
JOHN
I've
seen all your plays. I think you're a wonderful writer.
DANIEL
Oh.
Thanks. All of them?
JOHN
Yes.
I even saw your last play 3 times.
DANIEL
3
times? Boy, you must be a glutton for punishment.
JOHN
I
loved the writing. If you don’t mind me saying so and I hope I'm not out
of line here or anything…I really don’t think it was very well served by
the director or the production.
DANIEL LOOKS UP
DANIEL
Really?
JOHN
Uh-huh.
In fact I thought they ruined your play.
DANIEL
Is
that so?
JOHN
Yes.
I mean, what about all those vampires and shit? What was that all about?
And all those white faces and smoke machine? It kept getting in the way
of all your beautiful words. Honestly, I just wanted to take an axe to
that lead actor's face. The way he kept swallowing all that dialogue. It
was almost criminal.
DANIEL SMILES VERY BROADLY
BRIAN
Have
you read the play?
JOHN
About
five times.
DANIEL
Five??
I mean, five?
JOHN
I
just love it. You get better and better as a writer.
DANIEL STARTS TO GO RED WITH EMBARRASSMENT.
HENRY
[TO
DANIEL] Need a glass of water, honey?
BRIAN
That's
great. So what piece are you going to do for us today, John.
JOHN
Uh,
it's from one of Mr Ryan's other plays. I hope you don’t mind.
DANIEL
Not
at all.
BRIAN
When
you're ready.
JOHN STARTS TO DO AN ACTOR'S WARM UP. HENRY AND BRIAN LOOK A EACH OTHER.
In your own time.
HE CONTINUES THEN STOPS.
JOHN
"His
name's John. That's all. Twenty five. Yes, he's gay. I don t know. They
don't tell you too much. No he's alright at the moment. He's at home. They
said he was being kind of difficult he's already had two other counsellors
already. Chews them up and spits them out. Of course I know why they asked
me. I'm a great person. It's a pity that my supposed real friends fail
to see that sometimes. I'm funny. Yes well maybe not to you but what do
you expect from some public school hag from Tasmania. Wipe the sheep shit
of your thongs dear. It's impairing your grey matter…."
BRIAN, DANIEL AND HENRY LAUGH AS THE LIGHTS FADE OUT THEN SLOWLY COME BACK UP.
"….We both knew before they'd even said anything. We knew about the sweats. We knew what the spots were on your feet. Why you were losing weight. They weren't telling us anything different. But John, they didn't tell me how much I was gonna hurt. How much pain I was gonna feel. There's was no place for me to go now. No beach. No special place. Just this hospital room...with you in it."
DANIEL IS IN TEARS. BRIAN AND HENRY ARE ALSO VERY MOVED.
BRIAN
Thank
you John. That was lovely.
DANIEL
Very
good. Thank you.
JOHN
Thank
you for writing those words.
DANIEL GUSHES
HENRY
Maybe
you two should get a room. [BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY]
BRIAN
John
that was very good. Just a few things we might need to tell you. Now this
is a gay play about two men who fall in love. You don’t have a problem
with that, do you? Because I know some actors might…
JOHN
No,
that’s okay.
HENRY
There's
kissing.
JOHN
I'm
fine with it.
HENRY
Lots
and lots of kissing.
JOHN
No
problem.
HENRY
I
mean, really full on the lips god-I-can-taste-the-curry, in your face head-munching!
JOHN
I'm
easy.
HENRY
Oh!!
[TOO OVER-EXCITED HE CATCHES HIMSELF OUT]
BRIAN
Thanks
for coming in.
JOHN
Not
at all. It's been a pleasure. Bye. [EXITS]
BRIAN
So
what did y'all think? Daniel, I don't think I need to ask you.
HENRY
Good
actor. Wasted in Melbourne.
THEY BOTH SPIT ON THE FLOOR
Cute.
BRIAN
Very.
HENRY
Could
be a wonderful little performer.
BRIAN
That's
what I'm thinking. Of course the age could be a problem. I mean Daniel
is quite insistent on older men in their forties for the roles.
DANIEL
That's
okay.
BRIAN
And
all that life experience?
DANIEL
Er…that's
alright. We could work around that right?
BRIAN
No,
no. I think you were right. They should be mature. Need that baggage.
DANIEL
Fuck
the baggage. I'll rewrite. Cast him or I'll kill you.
BRIAN
What
you seem to forget Daniel, is that most of the other actors who auditioned
were slightly older. Except for that Michael boy, of course and I seem
to recall you weren't that impressed. Remember? There's no-one else we've
seen who'd look right.
HENRY
Mm,
yes it's a bit of a dilemma. I mean, if we cast John then we might need
er…Michael is it?…to balance the ages.
DANIEL
Okay,
okay. Cast the meat head if you have to?!
DANIEL EXITS ANGRY. HENRY & BRIAN JUMP ABOUT.
HENRY
Marvellous!
BLACKOUT
SCENE FOUR
ACTOR
2 IS CARRYING IN SOME BOXES. ACTOR 1 FOLLOWS SLOWLY BEHIND CARRYING A PILE
OF LPs.
ACTOR
2
So
I thought I'd put all my reference books in the spare room and you could
maybe move your work out bench onto the balcony until you go back to working
out. You are gonna start working out again, aren't you? Are you okay? You've
hardly said anything since the moving van left. What's the matter?
ACTOR
1
Nothing.
ACTOR
2
Are
you sure?
ACTOR
1
Positive.
[TO AUDIENCE] Oh, my god! What have I done? I must be crazy. I've let a
stranger into my home. I'm not ready fo