Donald Baigent & Joab McMicking in the
Stables Theatre, Sydney production. 2000
a play by steven dawson
Note:
This play can very easily be misinterpreted and
occassionally has been done. It is a comedy. It is also a gentle tongue
in cheek homage to theatre and gay theatre in particular so it should be
treated as such. The only serious parts in the whole thing are the play
within the play but even those scenes have the odd bit of humour. Just
a few points. Read the stage directions. They are integral to the story
and there are many visual gags which add to the fun and plot. Any music
cues are there for a reason and require no substitute. It is to be
performed by 6 men only [Check the original casting. Two actors really
work overtime with the costume changes but it can be done] on a bare stage.
Don't complicate matters. This play is meant to be light and frothy and
sometimes moving. Any further questions pls contact me if you can.
Steven
First
Performance
Midsumma
Festival
16th
January 1998
David
Williamson Theatres, Melbourne Australia
Cast
As Follows
| Daniel | Paul Marshall |
| Actor 1/John | Christopher White |
| Actor 2/Michael | Adam Chamberlain |
| Brian | Raymond Rich |
| Henry/Terry/Rawanda/Biggles | Iain Murton |
| Desmond/Lesley/Samuel/Guy | Robbie Macfarlane |
| Directed by | Steven Dawson |
| Produced by | Out Cast Theatre |
| Stage Manager | Lana Schwartz |
| Asst. Stage Manager | Will Holt |
| Production Manager | Rowena Doo |
Characters
| Daniel | A Writer |
| Brian | A Director |
| John | An Actor |
| Actor 1 | A Character |
| Michael | An Actor |
| Actor 2 | A Character |
| Henry | A Producer |
| Biggles | A Publicist |
| Rawanda | A Stage Manager |
| Terry | A Designer |
| Guy | A Doctor |
| Desmond | An Actor |
| Samuel | An Actor |
| Lesley | A Stage Hand |
Henry also plays Biggles, Terry and Rawanda. John also plays Actor 1. Michael also plays Actor 2. Guy also plays Desmond, Samuel & Lesley
All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.
Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.
This
play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade
or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without
the author or his agent's prior consent in any form of binding or cover
other than that in which it is published and without similar condition
including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Any application for performance must be made to:
RICK
RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O.
Box 445, Paddington
NSW,
Australia, 2021
Telephone
61 2 9281 9622
Fax
61 2 92127100
raftos@raftos.com.au
Copyright © Steven Dawson 1997.
Raymond
Rich as Brian, Paul Marshall as Daniel, Iain Murton as Terry and Robbie
Macfarlane as Lesley
in
Out Cast Theatre's production of Big Dicks On Stage.
BIG DICKS ON STAGE
SCENE ONE
MUSIC: ALANIS MORRISETTE SINGING "HAND IN MY POCKET" AS THE TWO ACTORS ENTER AND FACE EACH OTHER. THEY WALK INTO THE AUDIENCE AND DO A BIT OF LAP DANCING UNTIL THEIR SHIRTS ARE REMOVED. THEY MOVE BACK ONTO THE STAGE, TONGUE EACH OTHER, ONE SLIDES DOWN THE TORSO OF THE OTHER AND STARTS UNDOING THE OTHER ACTOR'S BELT WITH HIS TEETH. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS THERE IS YELLING COMING FROM THE AUDIENCE. THE MUSIC STOPS.
DANIEL
[OFF]
Wait a minute! Stop right there.
DANIEL ENTERS FROM THE AUDIENCE AND YELLS AT THE ACTORS. HE IS ALWAYS HOLDING A SCRIPT.
You. Get your hands off him. I'm having none of that! Put your clothes back on. That's not what I had in mind so you can stop right there. Fucking actors.
THE ACTORS STOP UNDRESSING. THEY LOOK PISSED OFF. DANIEL ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.
DANIEL
Okay,
so it started with this little idea. These two guys meet fall in love.
Simple. [HE LOOKS AT THE ACTORS] Well, go on.
DANIEL GOES BACK TO HIS SEAT IN THE AUDIENCE. THE ACTORS FACE EACH OTHER. ACTOR 2 IS LOOKING AROUND, TRYING TO REMAIN CALM, FUMBLING WITH HIS HOUSE KEYS. THEY FREEZE WHENEVER DANIEL STARTS TALKING.
ACTOR
2
Sorry
about the mess. I wasn't expecting to bring someone home.
ACTOR
1
Oh,
don't worry...I've seen...[HE LOOKS AROUND] It really is messy, isn't it?
You live here by yourself or do you rent it out to gypsies?
ACTOR
2
I
think gypsies might be neater. I don't have much time to clean up. I'm
out of town a lot.
ACTOR
1
You're
not with an airline, are you?
ACTOR
2
No.
Why do you ask?
ACTOR
1
Nothing.
Just checking.
DANIEL
[JUMPING
UP AGAIN] I just wanted it to be a simple story. You see, I'd had this
rotten relationship although at the time I didn't know it was rotten. [HE
LOOKS AT THE ACTORS AGAIN] Oh sorry. And…again. [RUNS BACK TO HIS SEAT.]
ACTOR
2
Would
you like some coffee?
ACTOR
1
No
not really.
ACTOR
2
How
about a drink?
ACTOR
1
Sure.
What do you have?
ACTOR
2
Er...actually
I don't think there's anything here. I don’t really shop much either.
ACTOR
1
Then
I'll skip the drink, thanks.
AWKWARD PAUSE.
ACTOR
2
Water?
ACTOR
1
No,
thanks.
ACTOR
2
Why
don't you have a seat?
ACTOR 1 LOOKS AROUND. THERE ARE NO CHAIRS.
ACTOR
1
Maybe
I'll stand. Thanks.
ACTOR
2
Look,
I should be honest with you. I don't do this very often.
ACTOR
1
Well,
so far you haven't done anything. Let's leave the apologies until we’re
naked.
ACTOR
2
What?
No, I mean, I don't bring people back too often.
ACTOR
1
Why?
Do they keep stealing the furniture?
THEY FREEZE AS DANIEL COMES BACK ON STAGE. THE LIGHTS FADE DOWN ON THE ACTORS AND A SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON DANIEL.
DANIEL
You
see, I was sitting up late one night. I couldn't get to sleep. I didn't
want to sit at the computer because it's always the same thing. I get bored
after a few minutes playing games and then I want to get onto the net and
hook into the gay chat lines. You know, gay military, gay bears, queens
with no lives dot com. Then usual thing happens. You hook into someone,
it starts getting horny and you end up having a one handed typing conversation.
I'm gonna end up with either RSI or a prostate the size of a pineapple.
Anyway, I didn't want to sit at the computer so I'm on the lounge under
a doona and I pop on the telly. Now I'm not a telly freak but imagine my
surprise when all of a sudden I'm staring at Steve McQueen. It's The Blob.
Well, it's one of my favourite movies of all time, well, from when I was
a kid anyway. He's cruising around in a big car, looking hot and a helluva
lot older than the teenager he's supposed to be. Looks real horny in a
50's, Leave It To Beaver kind of way but you know he's not that innocent
because in real life he was apparently a bit of a stud and again you want
to have a one handed conversation. But then I started getting into the
movie. Hey, it's 4 in the morning. What else you gonna do? Now if you don’t
already know, The Blob is a 50's sci-fi cheapo flick where this meteor
crashes into this woodland area near a small town in America because that's
the place where meteors land, right? This old guy sees it land, goes over
and pokes it with a stick, it opens up and this red glump of stuff looking
like Cottees strawberry jam attaches itself to his stick, then leaps up
and globs onto his arm. Very attractive. I won’t tell you the rest of the
story except in a nutshell; it ends up eating him and everyone else in
town. Boy, I know that feeling. It keeps getting bigger until it's this
huge massive thing that absorbs everything it touches and gets completely
out of control. That is, until Steve hits it with a fire extinguisher,
it hates that, they dump it on the North Pole; roll credits; everybody
go home; good night nurse; bring on the sequel. Well. I was depressed!
Here was this poor little blob, just wanting to travel, hitches a ride
on a star, lands in Buttfuck USA and then gets the jam kicked out if it!
From what was once this little innocent thing simply minding it's own business,
some bunch of yahoos start poking around with it and it becomes this monster
that nobody can control…
HE MOVES TO STAGE RIGHT AS BRIAN ENTERS TO CENTRE. THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE THE ACTORS SHOULD FACE FRONT AS IF TALKING ON A PHONE.
DANIEL
I've
written this play…
BRIAN
Sounds
wonderful.
DANIEL
You
don’t even know what it's about.
BRIAN
What's
it about?
DANIEL
Two
guys fall in love.
BRIAN
Sounds
wonderful.
DANIEL
Maybe
you better read it first.
BRIAN
Maybe
I better read it first.
DANIEL
You
might hate it.
BRIAN
How
could I hate it?
DANIEL
It
might suck.
BRIAN
Do
you think it sucks?
DANIEL
No.
BRIAN
Then
I'm sure I'll love it. I'm your number one fan
DANIEL
You
sound like Kathy Bates.
BRIAN
You
look like Kathy Bates. I want to direct it.
DANIEL
Are
you sure?
BRIAN
You're
my favourite writer.
DANIEL
How
many playwrights do you know?
BRIAN
[PAUSE]
You're my favourite writer.
DANIEL
It's
a very simple story. People may not like it.
BRIAN
What
are you talking about? People love your work.
DANIEL
It's
past tense. People loved my work. Long ago. One hit play then bang, you
can almost hear crickets.
BRIAN
Everyone
loves your plays.
DANIEL
That’s
just it. They love my plays. They just want someone else to write them.
They all say the same thing. "We love your plays but could you make the
characters a little more straight?"
BRIAN
So
make the characters a little more straight.
DANIEL
You
sound like my agent. I can't. I can't just "write straight." I've forgotten
what it was like. You know my dialogue. It's doesn't sound right when it
comes from a straight person. No-one straight is that funny. I'm even more
suspicious about most queens.
BRIAN
So
leave it alone.
DANIEL
It
should be kept small.
BRIAN
Size
isn’t everything.
DANIEL
Thank
you DR Feelgood? Shut up. I mean the play. It has to be kept small. You
know, intimate theatre. It's a gentle piece. I don't want it ruined.
BRIAN
No
vampires?
DANIEL
No
fucking vampires! No disco lighting, smoke machines, dry ice and especially
no bloody white makeup. Keep it simple and honest. No special effects.
No Starlight Express.
BRIAN
[DRYLY]
How about a bit of lippy and a hurricane lamp?
DANIEL
Perfect.
BRIAN
We're
gonna need a producer.
DANIEL
Oh-ho.
BRIAN
You
got the money to put it on?
DANIEL
No.
BRIAN
Then
shut up. I've got the perfect sucker, I mean person in mind.
DANIEL
Is
he
gay?
BRIAN MAKES A NOISE
Okay. Sorry.
BRIAN
Know
any straight ones? He has the right connections. And it just so happens
that he loved your last play.
DANIEL
No
one came to the last one.
BRIAN
Well
he did…I think.
DANIEL
Oh
good.
BRIAN
And
more importantly, he's loaded.
DANIEL
What?
All the time?
BRIAN
With
money.
DANIEL
Oh.
And he's willing to throw some away on a gay play?
BRIAN
That's
right.
DANIEL
I'm
suspicious already. I don't know that many queens eager to part with the
readies unless it's for drugs or a new party frock. I sometimes think getting
money out of a queen is like pulling teeth from a pig.
BRIAN
I
think you mean "chicken."
DANIEL
I
know what I mean.
BRIAN
Well
it's a good thing for you not everyone is that shallow.
DANIEL
So
what do we do now?
BRIAN
We
call him.
BRIAN MOVES STAGE LEFT AS HENRY ENTERS TO CENTRE
HENRY
[LOOKING
AT THE ACTORS] Lovely, lovely. [FACES AUDIENCE] Hello darling. What the
fuck do you want?
BRIAN
Hen,
you're really going to have to change your phone manner. You could make
a sailor swoon.
HENRY
As
long as it's to waist level. Brian, petal, where the hell have you been?
I never see you anymore. They miss you down at the morgue. Sorry, I mean
the Load…Lard...Laird.
BRIAN
Well,
you know me. Hilda Homebody.
HENRY
Honey
you should get down there. It's hysterical during winter. It's either ten
tits or a tusk. All those flabby flannelettes looking for love. Until sun
bake season that is. Then its "Sorry. I need my space. See you next ice
age." If I didn't piss myself constantly I'd feel for the fuckers.
BRIAN
Sorry
dear I like 'em a bit younger.
HENRY
Oh
still cruising the kinders, are we?
BRIAN
As
long as they've old enough to drive.
HENRY
You
home, you mean. Sweetheart you don't want a root. You want a chauffeur.
But really you should pop down there again. You hardly ever see any toe
tags anymore. Or maybe it's because you're not there.
BRIAN
Nice
try bitch.
HENRY
Now
what the hell do you want?
BRIAN
Your
head on a spike but I'll settle for your cash.
HENRY
Charmer.
BRIAN
Henry,
you know how you're always saying you're sick of putting money into shows
that are a dog's breakfast or they never get up.
HENRY
We
are talking about shows, aren't we?
BRIAN
That's
right.
BRIAN MENTIONS THE LATEST LOCAL THEATRICAL FLOP. THEY BOTH CRINGE, SPIT AND LAUGH.
Well I've come across this darling little piece you're just gonna have to do. And guess what? I've got the writer on my extension.
HENRY
I'll
bet you have.
BRIAN
Henry,
he's that writer you love. You've even seen one of his plays.
HENRY
I
have? Where?
BRIAN
That
little show we saw in that garage last year. About the seven gay vampires
that cruise bars eating fags, and one of them looked like Nana Mouskouri
or something like that.
HENRY
Nope.
BRIAN
Lots
of symbolism. Crucifixes and cockrings.
HENRY
Still
blank.
BRIAN
Had
the cute Greek guy with the nice arse.
HENRY
Know
it! Loved it.
THE ACTORS START TO FIDGET.
ACTOR
2
A-hem.
ACTOR
1
Excuse
me. Are you going to need us for the rest of this scene?
ACTOR
2
It's
getting kinda cold.
BRIAN & HENRY LOOK AT THEM THEN AT DANIEL.
DANIEL
Uh,
yes. Thanks. That'll be all for the moment.
BOTH
ACTORS
Great.
THEY START TALKING AS THEY EXIT.
ACTOR
2
Well,
that went well.
ACTOR
1
My
dear, we were fine. As for the guy playing the writer…well, it’s not the
way I would have played it. Thinks she's doing fucking Hamlet.
ACTOR
2
Who?
ACTOR
1
Some
character from King Lear.
ACTOR
2
Oh.
THEY EXIT LAUGHING
BRIAN
And
we thought we'd do you a little favour and show it to you first.
HENRY
Boy,
how often have I heard that and then bang I am so-oo disappointed.
BRIAN
Are
we still talking about the play?
HENRY
Sure.
Why not.
BRIAN
Henry,
I think you're just the person to produce it.
HENRY
What's
it about?
BRIAN
It's
about 2 people who fall in love. Doesn't that just make you want to cry?
HENRY
I'm
wet just thinking about it. What else?
BRIAN
Er…well…it's…
DANIEL
[JUMPING
IN] It's about honesty and true sentiment.
HENRY
My
God! Who's that?
BRIAN
I
told you. I've got the writer on the other end.
HENRY
Oh,
my. I really thought you were getting a blowjob from one of your rent boys.
BRIAN
Honey,
I couldn't get someone into my pants if they were lined with silver.
HENRY
Makes
a change from what they're usually lined with. Well speak up dear boy.
I won't bite.
BRIAN
Leave
your teeth in the glass? Watch her, Daniel. She could suck a yacht through
a yashmak and not break a thread.
HENRY
Like
you'd know. You should get back to your cell before you’re missed. So Daniel,
you were saying about this little play of yours….
DANIEL
Well,
it's a story about two guys who fall in love but can't deal with the harsh
realities of a relationship.
HENRY
Is
it funny?
DANIEL
I
guess.
HENRY
Well
that's a plus. Does it have a happy ending?
DANIEL
Kinda.
HENRY
Will
I be a better person for having seen it or will I slash my wrists before
I get to the car park?
DANIEL
No,
no, it's not that bad. It kinda ends on an up.
HENRY
Half
it's luck. And no one dies in it? I mean I couldn't bear to watch another
gay play about brave queens who pop their clogs before interval then someone
spends the whole second act talking to ghosts!
DANIEL
No,
everyone lives.
HENRY
And
it's a love story?
DANIEL
And
it's a love story.
HENRY
About
two boys who fall in love.
DANIEL
Actually
they're men. Not boys. Two guys in their forties who fall in love then
fall out, then get on with their lives.
HENRY
They're
over 40 and gay? What kind of lives have they got to get on with? They
should be drawing a pension, I'm thinking.
DANIEL
These
guys need to have some emotional baggage when they meet.
HENRY
So
give one of them a limp. No, I think we need to make them a little younger.
I mean, who's gonna care about two middle aged queens?
BRIAN
Other
middle aged queens.
HENRY
I've
met them both. They don't go out.
DANIEL
These
guys have to have some life experience. The only people under 35 I know
think life experience is lasting the whole night in the same cubicle.
HENRY
Yes
but gay men want to see young men on stage. They don’t want to see some
tired old slag. They're usually leaving their homes and going to the theatre
just to get away from one.
DANIEL
I
don't want to change anything.
BRIAN
No
one wants you to change a thing. But we have to be flexible, Daniel, and
Henry does have a point. It's what gay audiences respond to. At least promise
me you'll consider it.
DANIEL
I….
BRIAN
That's
if you want to get it on.
DANIEL
Of
course I do…
BRIAN
There
now, that's settled. Henry? What do you say?
HENRY
Sounds
a darling. Okay, I'll do it. Brian, we need to look at budgets and timing.
I think the sooner the better, don't you?
DANIEL
Wait.
Don't you want to read it?
HENRY
I'm
sure it's a lovely piece of work. Brenda, send me over a copy and we'll
talk more.
HENRY EXITS.
DANIEL
And
you're going to keep it simple, right?
BRIAN
Trust
me.
THE LIGHTS FADE ON HENRY, BRIAN AND DANIEL EXITING. THE TWO ACTORS RE-ENTER AND FACE EACH OTHER.
SCENE
TWO
ACTOR
2
You
know…you're pretty funny.
ACTOR
1
Yeah,
well, one night stands bring out the Noel Coward in me.
ACTOR
2
Oh...er...I
didn't know that's what you wanted.
ACTOR
1
What?
Noel Coward?
ACTOR
2
No.
A one night stand.
ACTOR
1
What?
What did you...
ACTOR
2
Sorry.
Let's just forget it. Maybe I should take you back to the disco.
ACTOR
1
I
don't underst...
ACTOR
2
It's
still a bit early. You could still find someone.
ACTOR
1
Wait.
Wait a minute. You want me to go?
ACTOR
2
No,
I don't want you to go. But...that's not what I'm looking for. I don't
want someone for one night. I thought you might...like me.
ACTOR
1
What?
I do like you. In the brief five minutes we spent sharing a taxi I've come
to have deep and lasting feelings for you.
ACTOR
2
You're
having a joke again, aren't you?
ACTOR
1
Of
course I'm having a joke, you schmuck! You've only just met me. What’s
liking you got to do with anything. This is sex. We shouldn't be even having
this conversation.
ACTOR
2
I'm
sorry.
ACTOR
1
Why
are you sorry?
ACTOR
2
I
just thought I'd like to get to know you better…you know?
ACTOR
1
Why?
ACTOR
2
How
the hell should I know! I just thought it would be good that's all.
ACTOR
1
Are
you sure you want to have this conversation?
ACTOR
2
No.
Of course I don't. It's just...I better take you home.
ACTOR
1
No...wait.
[PAUSE. ACTOR 1 LOOKS AT HIM FOR A MOMENT THEN GIVES IN] Well...what sort
of person are you? I mean, I don't know anything about you. You could be
an axe murderer or a Mormon or something.
ACTOR
2
I'm
not.
ACTOR
1
What?
Axe murderer or Mormon?
ACTOR
2
Both.
ACTOR
1
And
I have your word for that?
ACTOR 1 SMILES AT HIM. ACTOR 2 SMILES BACK.
ACTOR
2
Yeah.
ACTOR
1
Look,
maybe you made a mistake. I should tell you. I'm not good at relationships.
I've had four...
ACTOR
2
That's
not many.
ACTOR
1
This
year.
ACTOR
2
Oh.
ACTOR
1
So
you can see I haven't got a great track record. Tell me why you thought
it could be more than sex.
ACTOR
2
Because
you looked so unhappy.
ACTOR
1
Yeah
well there's a basis for starting a relationship.
ACTOR
2
I've
seen you before, you know.
ACTOR
1
Oh,
really? Where?
ACTOR
2
Oh,
around.
ACTOR
1
Well,
that's nice and specific. I guess it must've been me then.
ACTOR
2
You
sure do talk a lot, you know.
ACTOR
1
So
I've been told.
ACTOR
2
It
doesn't bother me though. At least you've got something to say. So many
people I know talk but they don’t say anything.
ACTOR
1
I
haven't...[BEAT] Look, I know what you're trying to do.
ACTOR
2
What?
ACTOR
1
You're
trying to "get to know me", aren't you? Don't deny it.
ACTOR
2
Sure.
What's wrong with that?
ACTOR
1
Nothing
if you're husband hunting. I'm not. I'm just after the sex!!
ACTOR
2
Sex
ain't all there is.
ACTOR
1
It
is if you haven't had it in weeks.
ACTOR
2
Try
months.
ACTOR
1
I
think I'd kill myself if [BEAT] you haven't had sex in months?
ACTOR
2
Not
really.
ACTOR
1
What
do you mean "Not really"? You've either had it or you haven't.
ACTOR
2
Then
I guess I haven't.
ACTOR
1
If
I don't have sex at least once a week I slap the cat. Why haven't you had
it? What's wrong with you? You're gay, aren't you? Or are you doing research
for a thesis or something?
ACTOR
2
No.
There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just not all that interested in sex.
ACTOR
1
Then
why did you invite me home?
ACTOR
2
I
told you. I just wanted to get to know you.
ACTOR
1
I
think we're going in circles. Look, you're probably a nice person but I
don't think this is any good for...
ACTOR
2
Why
did you come home with me?
ACTOR
1
I
told you. I thought there was sex in the air.
ACTOR
2
If
it's that important we could do that too.
ACTOR
1
What
"too"? That's all I thought was happening.
ACTOR
2
Do
you have many one night stands?
ACTOR
1
I'm
not gonna tell you the answer to that!
ACTOR
2
Have
there been lots?
ACTOR
1
Persistent,
aren't you?
ACTOR
2
I've
been told that.
ACTOR
1
Well,
since you ask, no. I don't go off with every person I meet.
ACTOR
2
You
did tonight.
ACTOR
1
Yeah,
well, you got me at a weak moment. I'd finished my drink.
ACTOR
2
Maybe
you drink too much.
ACTOR
1
Maybe
I do a lot of things too much.
ACTOR
2
I'm
not criticising.
ACTOR
1
That's
okay. [PAUSE] You're probably right anyway. I better go.
ACTOR
2
You
want me to take you home?
ACTOR
1
You
got a car?
ACTOR
2
No.
ACTOR
1
Then
how you gonna take me home?
ACTOR
2
We
could get a taxi.
ACTOR
1
Then
we'd end up at my place. What’s the point of that?
ACTOR
2
I
just enjoyed sitting in the taxi with you coming here.
ACTOR
1
Oh,
that's good. You’re not into sex but you give great taxi.
ACTOR
2
That's
just about it.
ACTOR
1
Well
I think you should really get to know a person before you use and abuse
them. Bye
ACTOR 1 GOES TO LEAVE. ACTOR 2 GRABS HIS HAND.
ACTOR
2
Stay
the night.
ACTOR
1
Why?
ACTOR
2
I
like you.
ACTOR
1
You
don’t know anything about me.
ACTOR
2
I
think I know enough about you to want to get to know you better. I like
talking to you.
ACTOR
1
Talking
is easy. It's the other things that take a bit more work.
ACTOR
2
I'm
a hard worker. Stay the night.
ACTOR
1
I
can't. You want more.
ACTOR
2
I
don't want more. I just want you.
ACTOR 1 IS SWEPT AWAY FOR A MOMENT THEN TURNS TO HIM. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.
ACTOR
1
Kiss
me.
ACTOR
2
What?
ACTOR
1
We're
gonna have to start somewhere. Usually I can tell from the way a person
kisses if we're compatible. Kiss me.
ACTOR 2 KISSES HIM LIGHTLY ON THE CHEEK.
I think we're gonna have big problems.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS COME UP ON ACTOR 2 AND ACTOR 1 STANDING WITH A SHEET COVERING THEM AND TUCKED UNDER THEIR ARMS
ACTOR
1
Well,
still waters run deep. [TO AUDIENCE] It's always the quiet ones. [TO ACTOR
2] I thought you weren't into sex.
ACTOR
2
I'm
not...that much.
ACTOR
1
You
could've fooled me. How long was it?
ACTOR 2 LOOKS SHOCKED
I mean, how long did it take?
ACTOR
2
[LOOKING
AT HIS WATCH] Twenty minutes.
ACTOR
1
Twenty
minutes? I think I may have broken my personal best?
ACTOR
2
You
wanna go for a State record.
ACTOR
1
I'm
not nineteen anymore.
ACTOR
2
You're
only as young as you feel.
ACTOR
1
Yeah,
I feel like I could have a heart attack. We should be getting up. How long
have we been here?
ACTOR
2
[LOOKING
AT HIS WATCH] Seven hours.
ACTOR
1
Jesus.
It's almost night time again. I gotta go and feed my cat.
ACTOR 2 SNUGGLES INTO HIM AND STARTS TO SINK BENEATH THE COVERS. ACTOR 1 STARTS TO SQUIRM.
I never liked that cat anyway.
BLACKOUT
SCENE THREE
SONG: "TOMORROW" FROM ANNIE. LIGHTS UP ON DESMOND SINGING, BADLY, THE LAST CHORUS AS PART OF HIS AUDITION. BRIAN AND HENRY ARE IN THE FRONT AS PART OF THE AUDIENCE. DESMOND IS COMPLETELY OUT OF BREATH. HE PULLS OUT A VENTOLIN SPRAY AND TAKES A PUFF.
BRIAN
Thank
you....
DESMOND
[PUFFING
ON VENTOLIN SPRAY] Desmond.
BRIAN
Of
course it is and why shouldn't it be. Well, that was really...what can
I say? Good isn't the word.
BRIAN ELBOWS HENRY WHO HAS JUST BEEN SMILING.
HENRY
Huh?
[HE LOOKS AT BRIAN.] Oh. [HE PULLS TWO EARS PLUGS OUT OF HIS EARS.]
BRIAN
I
said good isn't the word.
HENRY
You
can say that again, Brenda.
BRIAN
[LOOKS
AT RESUME] I must say…you've certainly done a lot of shows.
DESMOND
Yes.
THERE IS A STRANGE HISS SOUND EVERYTIME DESMOND MAKES AN "S" SOUND. BRIAN AND HENRY LOOK TO SEE WHERE IT IS COMING FROM.
BRIAN
You've
done Annie, obviously. What did you play in that? Daddy Warbucks or ...
DESMOND
Miss
Hannigan, actually.
BRIAN
Miss
Hannigan? What was it. A revue or something?
DESMOND
No,
no. Did it 2 years ago. All male company in Sydney.
BRIAN
All
male? How innovative.
HENRY
Must
have packed them in.
BRIAN
Oh,
and I see you've done La Cage....8 times.
DESMOND
Eight.
Yes that's right.
BRIAN
I
would have thought most actors would have managed to grasp every nuance
of that script after one production. Some a lot less.
HENRY
Most
before interval.
DESMOND
It's
a wonderful show.
BRIAN
Well,
I suppose if you do a major role like that you can alway find something
fresh.
DESMOND
No,
no. I was just in the chorus. ["S" SOUND]
BRIAN & HENRY ARE STUNNED
HENRY
Who
is your fucking agent?
BRIAN
So...you've
read the play?
DESMOND
Er,
I think so.
HENRY
You
think so?
DESMOND
Er,
yes. I don't think I got all of it. I mean, where do the songs come in?
BRIAN
Songs?
DESMOND
Yes,
I couldn't worked out where the songs fit in?
HENRY
Uh,
perhaps we didn't make it clear. This is a play.
BRIAN
There
aren't any songs.
DESMOND LOOKS PUZZLED
DESMOND
A
play?
BRIAN
That's
right. A play.
DESMOND
A
play.
BRIAN
Mm-mm.
No songs.
HENRY
You've
done plays before, haven't you?
DESMOND
A
play?
BRIAN
Er,
thank you. We'll let you know.
DESMOND EXITS MOUTHING THE WORDS "A PLAY?" MUSIC FROM "LA CAGE" IS PLAYING.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP ON MICHAEL IS IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS AUDITION.
MICHAEL
[YELLING]…."So
who the fuck do you think you are?!"
HE STOPS AND LOOKS AT HENRY & BRIAN WHO ARE IN SHOCK. DANIEL SITS UPSTAGE BEHIND HIM.
HENRY
Er…lovely,
lovely.
BRIAN
Thank
you Michael. That was great.
MICHAEL
Sorry.
I lost the lines a bit in middle there. I haven't done much stage work
for a while. The telly series I was in didn't have much of what you could
call real dialogue. That I had to learn anyway.
HE GRABS HIS CROTCH. THE OTHERS JUMP.
HENRY
Er…hardly
noticeable, dear boy.
BRIAN
So
tell us a little about yourself, Michael. We know you've been in that police
show for god knows how many dog years.
MICHAEL
Well,
I'm 5 foot 11 in flat shoes, green eyes, it's all in my resume.
BRIAN
No,
tell us something about you.
MICHAEL
Oh.
Well I grew up in Bendigo. One of 6 kids. My dad's a butcher.
HENRY
Well,
can you be a little butcher than that? Butcher mouth around this!
MICHAEL
Sorry?
HENRY
Er…old
joke. Never mind.
BRIAN
Do
go on.
DANIEL
Have
you read the play?
MICHAEL
Oh,
not completely. Just the pages my agent sent me. Maybe you could tell me
quickly.
DANIEL
Don't
you think it might be better if…
BRIAN
That's
okay darling boy. In a nutshell it's about two men falling in love.
MICHAEL
With
each other?
DANIEL
No.
With their navel lint. Of course you stupid fuc…
BRIAN
Er…yes
that's right. You don’t have any objection to playing a gay character,
do you?
MICHAEL
No,
not at all. I went to VCA.
HENRY
Well,
Jessica Crustacean! Give him a frock!
MICHAEL
Look,
I should tell you. I'm not gay.
HENRY
Well,
don't worry darling. It doesn't show from here. Would you like lessons?
Classes start in 5 minutes in the back seat of my Honda Civic.
MICHAEL
Would
that be a problem?
BRIAN
Not
at all. But what about your telly fans? Wouldn't they feel a little cheated
that you're doing a gay role?
MICHAEL
I
don’t care about my fans. I need to grow as an actor. I need to stretch
myself.
HENRY
I
have just the thing.
BRIAN
Just
as long as you know that this play requires you to kiss another man.
MICHAEL
I
can do that.
BRIAN
With
conviction.
MICHAEL
I
can do that.
BRIAN
With
passion.
MICHAEL
I
can do that.
HENRY
With
your tongue down his throat and your finger up his arse!
MICHAEL
I
can…
HENRY
[FANNING
HIMSELF] I think I need to lie down a bit.
BRIAN
It's
okay Michael. We won't need you to go that far. Thanks for stopping by.
MICHAEL
Sure.
No problem. Thanks for seeing me.
HE GRABS HIS CROTCH AGAIN. THE OTHERS JUMP. MICHAEL EXITS. HENRY & BRIAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER. DANIEL SITS WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
BRIAN
So
what did we think?
HENRY
Well,
he has a very strong physique, nice voice, well modulated, has lots of
presence.
BRIAN
And?
HENRY
I'd
hump his brains out in a flat second.
BRIAN
Good
old Henrietta. Professional as always. Daniel?
DANIEL
He's
fucked!
BRIAN
No,
really. What are you saying?
DANIEL
I
wanted to drive a nail into his head. He was posing the whole time. I hate
actors who don’t know when to drop the show. Fucking telly actors. And
did you hear that voice? "I can do that." [GRABS HIS CROTCH. THE OTHERS
JUMP.] It was like someone disembowelling a parrot.
BRIAN
Did
you think he was cute?
DANIEL
Yep.
BRIAN
Me
too. I liked him.
DANIEL
Wait
a minute. You're not seriously thinking about casting him?
HENRY
He's
perfect. That strong animal magnetism. You can't take your eyes off him.
And lets not forget, he's marketable. He's got a name.
DANIEL
Jesus.
HENRY
That's
a good name too but hard to sell in a queeny play. And lets face it, this
boy comes with an audience no matter what he thinks of them.
BRIAN
I
agree.
THEY STARE HIM DOWN. HE GOES BACK TO HIS SEAT.
So how many more have we got?
HENRY
Last
two.
BRIAN
Thank
Christmas for that.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS BACK UP ON SAMUEL. HENRY IS ALMOST ASLEEP
SAMUEL
[DEEP
SHAKESPEREAN VOICE] Last scene of all that ends this journey is second
childhood and mere oblivion. [SLOWLY] Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste,
sans…everything.
BRIAN
Er…thank
you Samuel. Very well done. Nicely presented.
HENRY
I
see you've been with the Bell Shakespeare for two years. Impressive. Well,
there's not much call for codpieces or iambic pentameter in this little
production. Doing a modern play won’t cause any problems?
SAMUEL
[MAJOR
SPEECH DEFECT] Not at all. I've also done lots of plays in modern settings.
Pinter in a pipe, Beckett in a box and of course the obligatory seasonal
Shakespeare by the sea.
HENRY AND BRIAN ARE STUNNED.
HENRY
Thank
you Shamuel…er…Samuel.
HE EXITS. THEY TEAR UP HIS RESUME.
HENRY
[SAME
SPEECH IMPEDIMENT] Next!
THEY ARE LAUHGING AS JOHN STICKS HIS HEAD IN.
JOHN
Hi.
BRIAN
Oh,
hi.
JOHN
I'm
sorry. Am I early? There was no-one else outside. I wasn't sure. My name's
John Harding.
BRIAN
No,
no. That's fine. Come on in. John, my name's Brian. This is Henry, the
producer.
JOHN
Hi.
HENRY
Hello.
BRIAN
And
this is the writer. His name is Daniel Ryan
JOHN
[OVER-AWED]
Hi.
DANIEL
[STILL
BROODING] Hi, yourself.
JOHN
I
just want to say…I..I really love your work.
DANIEL
What?
JOHN
I've
seen all your plays. I think you're a wonderful writer.
DANIEL
Oh.
Thanks. All of them?
JOHN
Yes.
I even saw your last play 3 times.
DANIEL
3
times? Boy, you must be a glutton for punishment.
JOHN
I
loved the writing. If you don’t mind me saying so and I hope I'm not out
of line here or anything…I really don’t think it was very well served by
the director or the production.
DANIEL LOOKS UP
DANIEL
Really?
JOHN
Uh-huh.
In fact I thought they ruined your play.
DANIEL
Is
that so?
JOHN
Yes.
I mean, what about all those vampires and shit? What was that all about?
And all those white faces and smoke machine? It kept getting in the way
of all your beautiful words. Honestly, I just wanted to take an axe to
that lead actor's face. The way he kept swallowing all that dialogue. It
was almost criminal.
DANIEL SMILES VERY BROADLY
BRIAN
Have
you read the play?
JOHN
About
five times.
DANIEL
Five??
I mean, five?
JOHN
I
just love it. You get better and better as a writer.
DANIEL STARTS TO GO RED WITH EMBARRASSMENT.
HENRY
[TO
DANIEL] Need a glass of water, honey?
BRIAN
That's
great. So what piece are you going to do for us today, John.
JOHN
Uh,
it's from one of Mr Ryan's other plays. I hope you don’t mind.
DANIEL
Not
at all.
BRIAN
When
you're ready.
JOHN STARTS TO DO AN ACTOR'S WARM UP. HENRY AND BRIAN LOOK A EACH OTHER.
In your own time.
HE CONTINUES THEN STOPS.
JOHN
"His
name's John. That's all. Twenty five. Yes, he's gay. I don t know. They
don't tell you too much. No he's alright at the moment. He's at home. They
said he was being kind of difficult he's already had two other counsellors
already. Chews them up and spits them out. Of course I know why they asked
me. I'm a great person. It's a pity that my supposed real friends fail
to see that sometimes. I'm funny. Yes well maybe not to you but what do
you expect from some public school hag from Tasmania. Wipe the sheep shit
of your thongs dear. It's impairing your grey matter…."
BRIAN, DANIEL AND HENRY LAUGH AS THE LIGHTS FADE OUT THEN SLOWLY COME BACK UP.
"….We both knew before they'd even said anything. We knew about the sweats. We knew what the spots were on your feet. Why you were losing weight. They weren't telling us anything different. But John, they didn't tell me how much I was gonna hurt. How much pain I was gonna feel. There's was no place for me to go now. No beach. No special place. Just this hospital room...with you in it."
DANIEL IS IN TEARS. BRIAN AND HENRY ARE ALSO VERY MOVED.
BRIAN
Thank
you John. That was lovely.
DANIEL
Very
good. Thank you.
JOHN
Thank
you for writing those words.
DANIEL GUSHES
HENRY
Maybe
you two should get a room. [BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY]
BRIAN
John
that was very good. Just a few things we might need to tell you. Now this
is a gay play about two men who fall in love. You don’t have a problem
with that, do you? Because I know some actors might…
JOHN
No,
that’s okay.
HENRY
There's
kissing.
JOHN
I'm
fine with it.
HENRY
Lots
and lots of kissing.
JOHN
No
problem.
HENRY
I
mean, really full on the lips god-I-can-taste-the-curry, in your face head-munching!
JOHN
I'm
easy.
HENRY
Oh!!
[TOO OVER-EXCITED HE CATCHES HIMSELF OUT]
BRIAN
Thanks
for coming in.
JOHN
Not
at all. It's been a pleasure. Bye. [EXITS]
BRIAN
So
what did y'all think? Daniel, I don't think I need to ask you.
HENRY
Good
actor. Wasted in Melbourne.
THEY BOTH SPIT ON THE FLOOR
Cute.
BRIAN
Very.
HENRY
Could
be a wonderful little performer.
BRIAN
That's
what I'm thinking. Of course the age could be a problem. I mean Daniel
is quite insistent on older men in their forties for the roles.
DANIEL
That's
okay.
BRIAN
And
all that life experience?
DANIEL
Er…that's
alright. We could work around that right?
BRIAN
No,
no. I think you were right. They should be mature. Need that baggage.
DANIEL
Fuck
the baggage. I'll rewrite. Cast him or I'll kill you.
BRIAN
What
you seem to forget Daniel, is that most of the other actors who auditioned
were slightly older. Except for that Michael boy, of course and I seem
to recall you weren't that impressed. Remember? There's no-one else we've
seen who'd look right.
HENRY
Mm,
yes it's a bit of a dilemma. I mean, if we cast John then we might need
er…Michael is it?…to balance the ages.
DANIEL
Okay,
okay. Cast the meat head if you have to?!
DANIEL EXITS ANGRY. HENRY & BRIAN JUMP ABOUT.
HENRY
Marvellous!
BLACKOUT
SCENE FOUR
ACTOR
2 IS CARRYING IN SOME BOXES. ACTOR 1 FOLLOWS SLOWLY BEHIND CARRYING A PILE
OF LPs.
ACTOR
2
So
I thought I'd put all my reference books in the spare room and you could
maybe move your work out bench onto the balcony until you go back to working
out. You are gonna start working out again, aren't you? Are you okay? You've
hardly said anything since the moving van left. What's the matter?
ACTOR
1
Nothing.
ACTOR
2
Are
you sure?
ACTOR
1
Positive.
[TO AUDIENCE] Oh, my god! What have I done? I must be crazy. I've let a
stranger into my home. I'm not ready for this. He has all these books and
everything. I can hardly get past the index of the telephone directory.
He's gonna think I'm an idiot. What am I talking about? I am an idiot.
I let someone I've only spent the past four weeks with move in with me.
ACTOR
2
It
was your idea I should move in.
ACTOR
1
What's
the point of paying rent on an apartment when you're always here?
ACTOR
2
I
thought you wanted me here.
ACTOR
1
I
do want you here.
ACTOR
2
Then
what's the problem?
ACTOR
1
There's
no problem.
ACTOR
2
Well,
you're sure acting like there's one.
ACTOR
1
It's
okay. It's just...gonna take some getting use to. I've always lived alone,
you know.
ACTOR
2
So
you keep saying.
ACTOR
1
I
didn't mean it like that.
ACTOR
2
We
don't need to do this. I could still move back. It's not too late.
ACTOR
1
I
want you here.
ACTOR
2
Yeah?
Why? So you can keep an eye on me?
ACTOR
1
[HUGGING
HIM] Yeah. Now shut up.
THEY EMBRACE AND KISS THEN FREEZE. TERRY ENTERS FOLLOWED BY BRIAN & DANIEL. THEY STAND IN FRONT OF THE OTHER ACTORS.
TERRY
Hello
darling, this is marvellous. [SEES THE TWO ACTORS] Ooh lovely, lovely.
[TO BRIAN] Fancy the two of us naughty possums getting to work together
again. It'd be almost spooky if it wasn't so pathetic. You look great.
Have you lost weight? [HE LOOKS AT BRIAN'S ARSE] Ah, no, there it is.
BRIAN
Theresa,
you old bat. It's wonderful to see you again. Daniel, this is Terry Rainer,
better known as Terry the Testy or Theresa the Tortured by all those of
us unlucky to have known him since VE day. Set designer, costumier, all-round
"make-it-pretty-let's-get-rid-of-that-nasty grey-bit" extra-ordinaire and
well known hag in waiting. There's also a whisper going around town that
he is indeed the original and dubiously titled Trough Man.
TERRY
That's
a lie and cannot be proved. Besides, I truly believe that if there were
such a man he would have to be at least 150 years old by now
BRIAN
Can
I see your driver's licence?
TERRY
That
cruel and vicious story has been going around for donks. You know I think
it's possible that maybe there's been more than one Trough Man and the
title has been passed down from generation to generation like Blackbeard
the Pirate.
BRIAN
Terry,
this is Daniel Ryan.
TERRY
Ah,
the playwright. Sweetheart, I loved your play. So beautiful, so moving.
I was almost wet. And believe me, at this age only a 40 gallon vat of lube
can fill the void better.
DANIEL
You've
read the play?
TERRY
Of
course. Well, most of it but I truly believe you are a genius. As soon
as I put it down thousands of images sprang into my furtive imagination
and I think I have come up with the perfect design. A bed.
DANIEL
A
bed?
TERRY
That's
right. A huge bed. The play should all be done on a huge bed. The bigger
the better. Maybe big enough to cover the whole stage. Like a big boxing
ring. No. We'll make it round. Almost like an arena. For all those passionate
resonances in your play. All that raw sexuality on stage inflaming the
passion. Red satin sheets! Making us seethe with lust. Sweaty limbs, intense
heat.
BRIAN
I
love it. Daniel?
DANIEL
I...uh…
TERRY
And
the actors dressed in boxer shorts…matching. Satin as well but maybe purple.
No, no, no. Crimson. [EXCITED] I've got this old lounge at home. Material's
perfect. I'll tear it up!
DANIEL
But
satin?
TERRY
[ANNOYED]
Yes?!!
DANIEL
Well,
satin & satin. Together? Won't the friction cause a bit of static electricity.
The actors could get constantly zapped.
BRIAN
I
love it! That'll keep them on their toes.
TERRY
Yeah.
Fuck 'em. They're only actors. This is theatre!
BRIAN
Brilliant!
Brilliant! Theresa, you've done it again! Daniel, what do you think?
DANIEL
I…uh…it's…
BRIAN
He's
swept away. Look at him. He's shaking.
TERRY
We
have to celebrate. How's about a little drinkie?
BRIAN
But
it's 11 in the morning.
TERRY
Is
it? Fuck! I thought that moon was bright. Never too early for a banana
daiquiri. Come on. My treat.
BRIAN
Wonderful.
I'll get my coat.
TERRY
You
mean that fur on your back is all you?
TERRY & BRIAN EXIT LAUGHING. DANIEL FOLLOWS, STUNNED. LIGHTS COME BACK UP ON ACTORS.
ACTOR
2
You
know, we don't have to unpack now. There's no hurry. We could maybe....do
the wild thing.
ACTOR
1
Do
the wild thing?
ACTOR
2
You
know. Rub lumpy bits.
ACTOR
1
You're
sick.
ACTOR
2
Why
not?
ACTOR
1
I
didn't say no. I just said you're sick. And besides...for someone who wasn't
that interested in sex when we first met you've certainly, if you'll pardon
the expression, changed your position.
ACTOR
2
I
didn't say I wasn't interested. I just wasn't after one night stands, that's
all.
ACTOR
1
My
mistake.
ACTOR
2
And
besides, I like fooling around with you.
ACTOR
1
Fooling
around?
ACTOR
2
You
know what I mean. Don't send me up.
ACTOR
1
I
said nothing.
ACTOR
2
Well,
if you don't want to unpack or "fool around" then why don't we go out for
a drink?
ACTOR
1
I
don't think so.
ACTOR
2
Why
not?
ACTOR
1
Because
I don't want us to look like the newly married gay couples you see at the
bars.
ACTOR
2
But
we are a newly married gay couple.
ACTOR
1
That's
besides the point.
ACTOR
2
Oh.
THE ACTORS FREEZE. BRIAN ENTERS FOLLOWED BY RAWANDA AND DANIEL.
BRIAN
So
this is the rehearsal space. I'll give you the set layout plans just as
soon as Terry has finished with the set designs in the workshop. Now you've
already met Daniel, our playwright and the full company including cast
and crew will be meeting at 10am on Monday. Now I need to give you the
rehearsal schedule which is in my office. We'll get that in a moment. So,
is there anything you need to tell me about yourself?
RAWANDA
I
don’t do coffee.
BRIAN
Pardon?
RAWANDA
Coffee.
I don’t make coffee. So don’t ask me. I'm here to stage manage. So if it's
coffee you want then you better get yourself a tea lady or a gopher. I
don’t do coffee.
BRIAN
That's
okay.
RAWANDA
[LONG
PAUSE] Or tea. I don’t do tea either.
BRIAN
How
about [GERMAN ACCENT] Varm milk? Ovaltine?
RAWANDA
Nothing.
I'm a stage manager.
BRIAN
I
get the point. So you went to NIDA huh? I'll bet you were the class comedian.
Now as you know that this is an all male production. That won’t cause any
problems will it?
RAWANDA
I
can handle it.
BRIAN
Of
that I have no doubt. But I just wanted to warn you.
RAWANDA
I
have a black belt, sixth dan in Karate. People don’t bother me for long.
BRIAN
Learn
that in your final year, did you? Well I'm not looking for a Vulcan death
grip but I'm sure you'll be able to manage.
THEY GIVE HER A CHEESY GRIN
RAWANDA
[GLARING
AT THEM] It's what I do.
BRIAN
Of
course it is.
BRIAN, RAWANDA AND DANIEL EXIT
ACTOR
1
And
if you think I'm worried about what other people will think then you're
right!
ACTOR
2
Why
all of a sudden do you care what people think?
ACTOR
1
I
just don't want us to become one of those awful bar couples. You know what
I'm talking about. The first couple of weeks out they're all over each
other, pawing, groping and eyeing each other longingly. A few weeks later
their eyes are wandering longingly all around the rest of the bar. A few
weeks of groin-crunching sex then they start getting toe-ee. Then it's
any excuse to have a fight and get out of the relationship. You know. Those
quirky charming little things he used to do when you first met and so made
you laugh. That cute little dimple in his cheek. It's only after you really
get to know him those charming, quirky little things now make your skin
crawl backwards and you want to smash his dimple in with a waffle iron.
THEY FREEZE. BRIAN AND BIGGLES ENTER FOLLOWED BY DANIEL.
BRIAN
Bella,
this is the man we've been telling you all about. This is our writer. Daniel,
I want you to meet Bella Norgstrom. Publicist extra-ordinaire. Bella, this
is Daniel Ryan.
BIGGLES
How
are you, darling? Please won’t you call me Biggles. Everyone does.
DANIEL
Biggles?
BIGGLES
I
know. Isn't it a fright. But hey. Easy to remember. Biggles the bitch,
that bastard Biggles, fuck off Biggles. So, this is nice. Young. Strong
look. Nice head shots for the faggy glossies. Should work a treat. You're
slightly ethnic aren't you Darren? No, that's good. Gets the Guido lovers
in. Mediteranneo appeal. I'll bet you've sucked on a few felafels, darling
eh? Very shish. Very now. A little scrawny but that’s what God gave us
steroids for. Yes I think we can work with this. I'll get this friend of
mine in. Does lovely head. Head and shoulders, in case you were wondering.
Although for the price of a smart cocktail I wouldn’t put it past him,
you never know what goes on in those studios. Now Brian where are those
lovely actors? I want to see some real sellable man-meat or I'm gonna scream
my jugs off. Oh, oh, I've just had an idea. Fuck me raw. Sushi! Sushi.
That's it! We'll have it for the opening. Raw meat. Very right. I have
this darling friend of mine who makes the most deelish sushi and curries.
Journos love it. Shovel some lovely champers and a pappadum in their gobs
and they write the best little suck things in their grotty little papers.
Gets the real punters to fork out the readies when you get a nice review
although don’t ask me what the fuck happened with "Sunset." A bit of warm
brie on a crusty old cracker doesn’t exactly rock the palette enough to
say something nice about suicidal fag hags with a handguns and a lovely
muff. Not enough to get Mr & Mrs Moccie wearer from Moe fresh from
turfing toddlers into the local duck pond and splurging this week's dole
check on a couple of A-reserve pews and a choc top at interval. Now Darren,
darling, I'd love to stop and listen to some more of your fascinating ideas
but I must dash. We'll talk again. Love you. Mean it.
SHE EXITS FOLLOWED BY BRIAN
DANIEL
It's
Daniel, actually.
HE STANDS TO THE SIDE AND WATCHES THE ACTORS.
ACTOR
2
Are
you talking about us? Are you sick of me already?
ACTOR
1
No,
of course I'm not. But that's what it's like out there. I thought the idea
of having a lover is that you don't need to go out any more. You find things
to do with each other at home. I don't say we should invest in crochet
classes and do the crosswords but there's plenty for us to do together
without having to resort to the bars.
ACTOR
2
So...your
answer to my question is no, you don't want to go out for a drink?
ACTOR
1
I
talk too much, don't I?
ACTOR
2
Er...
ACTOR
1
Someone
should set fire to my soap box and watch me burn down to my hair gel.
THEY EXIT AS BRIAN ENTERS
BRIAN
So,
everything okay?
DANIEL
Yeah,
I guess.
BRIAN
Come
on. Out with it. What's the problem? Nervous.
DANIEL
Maybe.
It's just that it seems to be getting a bit bigger than I was expecting.
You said we were going to keep it simple.
BRIAN
And
we have. Don’t worry.
DANIEL
Well
so far I count 10 people just on the crew. The play's only a two-hander
for chrissakes. How much bigger is this gonna get?
BRIAN
Daniel,
have I ever steered you wrong before? Have I?
DANIEL
No,
but…
BRIAN
And
you know that I only have your best intentions at heart, don't you?
DANIEL
Of
course…
BRIAN
So
you know that the best I can do is surround this project with the best
people working in this industry. I couldn't in all conscience give anything
less than 150% from myself and I expect no less than that same amount of
devotion from everyone else.
DANIEL
All
I'm saying is, don’t make it too big. I'm…
BRIAN
What?
DANIEL
I'm
starting to lose sight of my little play.
BRIAN
It's
always going to be your play. No matter what I put on stage, it's still
your baby. Okay?
DANIEL
Okay.
DANIEL & BRIAN EXIT
BLACKOUT
SCENE FIVE
SOFT LIGHTS COME UP ON ACTORS STANDING WITH A SHEET WRAPPED AROUND THEM UNDER THEM ARMS. ACTOR 2 IS FACING AWAY WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. BRIAN & HENRY ARE IN THE AUDIENCE.
ACTOR
1
We
really should be getting up. This is ridiculous. I'm too old for this.
It's a mistake. I have been in this bed for practically two months with
someone I know nothing about. We've got nothing in common except maybe
some interesting sex and conversation. You don't know what sort of person
I am. I don't know what sort of person you are and besides all that, I
can't believe I've talked so much in all my life. What do you think?
ACTOR 2 SNORES. ACTOR 1 LOOKS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE.
ACTOR
1
I
deserve this.
BRIAN
[OFF]
Stop. Hold it. Hold it.
LIGHTS COME UP FULL ON THE STAGE. THE ACTORS DROP THE SHEET REVEALING SOME OF THE WORST PRACTICE COSTUMES IMAGINABLE.
MICHAEL
Sorry.
I think I missed a line there.
BRIAN
No,
no. That's quite alright.
HENRY
You
were both marvellous. But Brian and I have been talking and we feel that
there's something missing in this scene.
BRIAN
We
want you both naked.
JOHN
Naked?
MICHAEL
Naked?
BRIAN
& HENRY
Naked!
DANIEL
[ALSO
IN THE AUDIENCE BUT FURTHER BACK] Naked?!! What the fuck are you talking
about?
BRIAN AND HENRY COME ON TO THE STAGE FOLLOWED BY DANIEL CLOSE BEHIND
BRIAN
Okay
boys. Take five.
MICHAEL & JOHN EXIT.
DANIEL
Please
tell me I'm hearing things. That you didn't say you wanted them naked.
BRIAN
Daniel.
It's a wonderful idea. It enhances their sexuality.
DANIEL
Crap!
HENRY
You
must realise that the scene is lacking something at the moment.
DANIEL
So
I'll rewrite.
BRIAN
We
don’t have time. We open in 3 days. The actors are already stressed without
having to learn new lines on top of everything else.
DANIEL
And
flashing their dicks isn't going to stress them out? If they're naked who's
going to be listening to the dialogue?
BRIAN
I
think we have to learn to give the punters a bit more credit. They're a
very sophisticated lot. They'll know it's not gratuitous.
HENRY
The
audiences will love it.
DANIEL
I
don’t care about the bloody audience! I wrote this play for myself. It
was very personal. You both said you liked the play. I thought the purpose
of directing a play was to express the author's intentions. Now you want
to bring in this other element that has nothing to do with the play or
it's ideas. You want to appeal to some base instinct?
BRIAN
We
want an audience, period. This will lock them in.
DANIEL
What?!!
BRIAN
Daniel,
you know what gay audiences are like. They don’t give a shit about how
noble your intentions are or what message you have to get through. They
don’t care! Being gay is about being in touch with your sexuality.
HENRY
And
nothing gets you in touch with your sexuality more than seeing a bit of
dick. Especially if it's under a nice 52 rose pink stage wash.
BRIAN
You've
seen what plays gay men go to see. Christ, your last play died in the arse
box-office wise. Didn't it?
DANIEL
So?
It was a heat wave. The theatre wasn't air conditioned.
BRIAN
And
yet that other play across town about those two guys stuck in a New York
apartment made a killing. Why?
DANIEL
How
the hell should I know?
BRIAN
Come
on Daniel. We went to see it together, remember. Why did it have big houses?
Even at the matinee?
DANIEL
I
don’t know. People are idiots.
BRIAN
Because
it had dick!
HENRY
And
lots of it.
BRIAN
And
while your little play were struggling across town with the best message
and the most noble of intentions if you like, they were the ones raking
in the dough.
DANIEL
But
that play was crap!!
BRIAN
Of
course it was crap. But let me ask you this. If you're locked in a theatre
for two plus hours what would you rather watch? Man's struggle to find
himself in the great scheme of things or some impressive willy wobbling
about.
DANIEL
I….
HENRY
& BRIAN
Dick!!
BRIAN
Dick
is all most gay guys care about. It's really what all guys care about.
It's just gay guys know how to have more fun with someone else's.
DANIEL
But
it has nothing to do with my play.
BRIAN
Of
course it doesn't. But just think. Out there in the audience, isn't it
just as important if one person gets your message? What does it matter
if the others are there for something else? This will appeal to everyone.
DANIEL
I
want my message to get through.
BRIAN
And
it will. Trust me. But you have to face the fact that not everyone cares
about messages. Gay men go to the theatre on the off chance they'll get
to see some dick. The bigger, the better.
DANIEL
I
think you underestimate gay men. I don’t think they're as shallow as you
make out.
HENRY
Well,
if there's one thing I do know about it's how they spend their gay dollars.
Darling boy, gay men have disposable incomes. They're not as tied down
as straights. They go out to party and hopefully they will get laid. You
get them frisky after seeing a yummy hunk of A1 love slug dangling in front
of them then they go out to find some of their own. They go to bars &
clubs looking for it. They might even find it, if they get pissed enough
and aren't as fussy as they are when sober. They spend those gay dollars.
Then they go home happy. They're happy, the bar owners are happy, the scene
is happy. In a strange sort of way you've made a contribution to this community.
Made it stronger. All because they saw a bit of willy. And you gave it
to them!
DANIEL
I…guess
you're right.
BRIAN
Of
course we are. You have to have a little faith in your work and in your
audience.
DANIEL
I
need to think. My head is swimming.
BRIAN
Of
course. You go get yourself a drink. After a while you'll see we're both
right. We only want the best for your play. For the good of the show, right?
DANIEL EXITS
HENRY
I'll
call Biggles.
BRIAN
I'll
tell the actors.
HENRY
You
think they will be in on it?
BRIAN
Of
course. We'll tell them Daniel wanted it this way. For the good of the
show.
HENRY
[JOINING
IN]…good of the show. Yeah sure. Why not?
BLACKOUT.
SCENE SIX
NIGHT. ACTOR 2 IS PACKING A BAG WITH CLOTHES. ACTOR 1 ENTERS.
ACTOR
1
What
are you doing? What's the matter? Are you going somewhere?
ACTOR
2
Yeah.
Away.
ACTOR
1
What're
you talking about? Come back to bed.
ACTOR
2
Are
you crazy? I'm not going back to that bed. You don't want me there. Why
should I go back to it?
ACTOR
1
You're
being stupid....
ACTOR
2
[YELLING]
No! You don't say that! You don't call me stupid. You're always putting
me down. Maybe that's okay for all your friends. They're use to it but
I'm not, okay?!
ACTOR
1
I
didn't mean to call you stupid. I'm sorry. Now what's wrong?
ACTOR
2
You
can't see, can you? You really can't. You don't see what's wrong with all
this? I might as well be invisible. I'm just a piece of furniture in this
apartment. In your life. I don't even know why I'm having this conversation
with you. You won't remember a thing about it in ten minutes.
ACTOR
1
Is
this about work or something?
ACTOR
2
No,
it's not work! My job is nothing. I'm talking about us. Does it ever occur
to you that we might have problems?
ACTOR
1
I
know we have...
ACTOR
2
Because
if it does then you're doing your best to ignore it.
ACTOR
1
I'm
not ignoring anything. I just want to know what's upset you.
ACTOR
2
I'm
just sick and tired of all the abuse. The constant smart-arsed remarks.
ACTOR
1
I've
been doing that since we first met. I don’t mean anything by it.
ACTOR
2
Yeah,
well, now I'm getting sick of it.
ACTOR
1
Look,
I’m sorry.
ACTOR
2
You
think that saying sorry all the time is gonna make it all right again?
ACTOR
1
There’s
not much else I can do. Tell me what you want me to do. I’ll do it.
ACTOR
2
[SCREAMING
AND FALLING TO THE FLOOR] I don't know!! I just...don’t know what I want.
Yes I do. I want out. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I wanna be
happy but you always find a way to bring me down, don't you? I liked being
around you when we first met. We used to do things. We made love all the
time. That’s something I miss. You used to hold me but now you walk past
me like some ghost.
ACTOR
1
So,
now you want me to change? You want me to stop being myself?
ACTOR
2
No,
I...
ACTOR
1
Because
I can't! I don't ask you to change for me. I like you the way you are.
I like myself the way I am. I thought that was the reason we got together
in the first place. Or is just an excuse to get away from me?
ACTOR
2
No,
of course it isn't.
ACTOR
1
Well,
it sure sounds like one.
ACTOR
2
I
just need some time to be by myself.
ACTOR
1
How
fucking dare you! What makes you think you've got the right to hop in and
out of sight when it suits you?! You walk into my life just a few months
ago and yeah, everything's wonderful. We're doing all these great things
together. But I go and do the most stupid thing. I go and fall in love.
But just remember...you're the one that started it. You chased after me.
I wasn't planning anything except a one night stand. I just wanted a fuck!
That's what I told you. You want to get to know me better. Well, this is
the way I am. I’m sorry! I’m sorry it’s not wonderful all the time but
who said it was supposed to be? Is this what you want? At the first sign
of trouble you want to be by yourself? Because you can't handle it? Well,
tough! If you want to walk away from me...if you want to desert me then
go ahead. But I'll tell you this for nothing. Don't expect me to fall over
myself trying to hold on to you. And don't think I'll be lonely!
ACTOR 2 GOES TO EXIT
Wait! You didn't think I was being serious, did you?
ACTOR 2 EXITS
Nice one, pet.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS BACK UP. THE ACTORS ARE FACING EACH OTHER. THEY ARE BOTH VERY NERVOUS
JOHN
That
felt pretty good. How was it for you?
MICHAEL
Oh,
pretty good.
JOHN
I
didn't come across too strong or whiney? I know I have a tendency to do
that when I'm not in control of the scene. But sometimes you can't help
it, can you?
MICHAEL
It
was a pretty good idea us rehearsing here. I'm glad you suggested it.
JOHN
Yeah.
I guess it's a bit daunting doing these kind of scenes in front of a director
ten times a day. I don’t think you can get a real feel for the characters
unless you're actually in the situation.
MICHAEL
Good
thing we're not playing axe murderers.
JOHN
Quite.
MICHAEL
I'm
not too wooden, am I? I get a bit nervous. I haven't done much stage work
since I left college. Telly seems to drain the talent out of you
after a few episodes. It's very demoralising.
JOHN
No,
well, you didn't come across like that from the few episodes I saw. You
were doing some good work.
MICHAEL
Good
but not great, right?
JOHN
No,
sorry, I meant great. For that medium.
MICHAEL
You
don’t come across as the sort of person who would watch that kind of show.
JOHN
Oh,
really? What sort of person do I come across as?
MICHAEL
Oh,
I don’t know. Maybe it's beneath you or something.
JOHN
Well,
you don't know me very well. Listen you want to grab a coffee?
MICHAEL
Sure,
why not.
JOHN
There's
a great little café just down on the corner.
MICHAEL
Do
you have any coffee here?
JOHN
Yeah,
I guess so. I'll make us some, shall I? Just don’t blame me if it tastes
like shit.
MICHAEL
Great.
JOHN EXITS TO KITCHEN
So, you live here by yourself?
JOHN
[OFF]
That's right.
MICHAEL
That
must be great.
JOHN
[OFF]
I thought you lived by yourself.
MICHAEL
I
do.
JOHN
Oh.
MICHAEL
Well,
I mean, I do now. My girl…flatmate moved out 2 months ago.
JOHN
Well,
I have to tell you I love living by myself.
MICHAEL
Yeah
I suppose it's okay. Boy you sure have a lot of stuff.
JOHN ENTERS WITH TWO MUGS OF COFFEE AND HANDS HIM ONE
JOHN
Yeah,
well, some people collect paintings. I collect crap. This is just for visitors.
I got a whole lot of even more impressive crap in the bedroom.
MICHAEL
I'd
sure like to see it sometime.
JOHN
What?
MICHAEL
So…how
about this play huh? Are you excited?
JOHN
I
guess. He's a very good writer.
MICHAEL
You
think?
JOHN
Don't
you?
MICHAEL
I
guess. I'm not really cluey on writers. I haven't got him worked out yet?
My character, I mean.
JOHN
Well,
you seem to be doing a good job of faking it if you haven't worked it out.
MICHAEL
Hey,
so how about that nude scene.
JOHN
Mm.
MICHAEL
Yeah.
I suppose the writer knows what he's doing.
JOHN
I
suppose. Are you…you know, nervous?
MICHAEL
What?
Oh, no…not at all…well, maybe just a bit.
JOHN
Well,
I guess that's to be expected. I mean, it's pretty much leaving nothing
to the imagination. A good test for an actor. You're completely exposed.
MICHAEL
Yeah,
a good test. That's what I keep telling myself.
JOHN
Have
you ever done a nude scene before?
MICHAEL
Plenty.
JOHN
Yeah?
MICHAEL
Well,
one. Actually, it was more of an audition than what you would call a whole
play.
JOHN
Did
you get the part?
MICHAEL
No.
They wanted someone bigger.
JOHN
Sorry.
MICHAEL
Oh
no, no, I mean they wanted someone with a name. I was just starting out.
Funny thing was, the audition was at this guy's place near St Kilda Beach.
I was there doing this scene from Uncle Vanya but the director wanted me
to do it completely naked. I don’t know if that's how Chekhov would have
wanted it but I was there for hours in front of this video camera and I
still didn't get the part.
JOHN
It's
a shitty business sometimes.
MICHAEL
But
still, I've never done a nude scene. You know, like in front of a real
audience.
JOHN
Is
it because it's with a guy?
MICHAEL
No,
not at all. I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I don’t feel threatened by
the situation at all.
JOHN
Well,
just close your eyes and think of something else…like your lines.
MICHAEL
I
guess.
JOHN
You've
been naked in front of people before haven't you? I mean, lovers and the
like?
MICHAEL
Yeah,
sure. Plenty of times. Well, really only a couple of times. But, you know,
never with men, a man, by himself. I mean, I've never touched a naked man.
JOHN
Believe
me, it's over-rated.
MICHAEL
So
I was thinking, maybe it would help if you and I…
JOHN
What?
MICHAEL
If
you and I got naked together first. Just us. That way I wouldn't feel so
stupid when it comes time for us to rehearse it in front of other people.
JOHN
Well,
I guess we could do that.
MICHAEL
Okay,
you go first.
JOHN
What!!?
Now?
MICHAEL
Yep.
JOHN
Er…look,
I'm a little unsure. Why don't you go first? I can't say I feel all that
comfortable if I'm the only standing naked even if it is for a few moments.
MICHAEL
Okay,
how about we both do it at the same time?
JOHN
Okay.
MICHAEL
How
about you put some music on.
JOHN
What?
MICHAEL
That
might relax us.
JOHN
What?
Oh sure. Okay. I'll see what I've got.
HE GOES OFF FOR A MOMENT THEN COMES BACK ON. ALICE COOPER'S "WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE" STARTS.
JOHN
Oh,
shit. Hang on.
HE GOES OFF AGAIN, CHANGES THE MUSIC TO SOMETHING SOFTER THEN COMES BACK ON.
That a little better?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
JOHN
Okay,
well. In the bed scene we're supposed to kiss. Do you want to kiss me?
MICHAEL
How
about we get naked first.
JOHN
[STUCK
IN THE THROAT] Sure…[BEAT] Sure. No problem.
THEY SLOWLY UNDRESS UNTIL NAKED, LOOKING ANYWHERE BUT AT EACH OTHER. AFTER A WHILE THEY RELAX AND SMILE. JOHN FROWNS. MICHAEL IS PARANOID. HE REALISES HE HAS LEFT HIS SOCKS ON AND QUICKLY TAKES THEM OFF.
JOHN
Well,
we've got over that hurdle. Now, you're supposed to kiss me.
MICHAEL
Sure,
okay.
HE KISSES JOHN QUICKLY.
JOHN
I
think it's supposed to be with a bit more passion. But that's okay, that's
okay. Now tell me you love me.
MICHAEL
What?
JOHN
It's
your line. Page 42. You say "I love you."
MICHAEL
I
love you.
JOHN
I
think you need a bit more conviction.
MICHAEL
Oh,
okay…[HE PREPARES HIMSELF THEN BADLY OVER-ACTS] I love you!
JOHN
Er…no,
try it more like you've never been more in love than you are with this
person. Maybe if you moved closer.
MICHAEL MOVES RIGHT UP TO HIM
MICHAEL
I
love you.
JOHN
Uh…
MICHAEL
What?
What? Still not convincing?
JOHN
No,
it's just…
MICHAEL
[ANNOYED]
Well what then?
JOHN
Your…er…dick
is touching my leg.
MICHAEL
Oh,
sorry.
JOHN
No,
that's okay. We're gonna have to get use to it. It's gonna happen a lot
anyway. We've got 36 performances of this thing. Now you say your line
again.
MICHAEL
Okay.
[WITH A LOT OF EMOTION]…"I love you."
JOHN IS SWEPT AWAY FOR A MOMENT
How was that? Better? Did I sound more convincing?
JOHN
Er…yes.
Very.
MICHAEL
I
felt that. [EXCITED] That was pretty good. Let me try that again.
HE GRABS JOHN IN HIS ARMS AND KISSES HIM PASSIONATELY.
"I love you…I…love you….I….[LOOKS DEEPLY INTO JOHN'S EYES] love you.
KE KISSES JOHN HEAVILY.
JOHN
[HIS
MOUTH IS MUFFLED] Great.
BLACKOUT
SCENE SEVEN
DANIEL IS STANDING AT THE BAR LOOKING INTO HIS DRINK. HE IS SLIGHTLY DRUNK. GUY WALKS OVER TO HIM.
GUY
How
you doing?
DANIEL DOESN'T EVEN LOOK UP.
DANIEL
Oh
fuck off!
GUY
Oh,
okay. Have a nice night.
DANIEL
Shit.
Sorry, sorry. That was rude. Come back here.
GUY
Only
if you keep sweet talking to me like that.
DANIEL
I
didn't mean it. I'm a bit snappy tonight.
GUY
That’s
alright. We're all allowed to have our off days. If you want, I can leave
you alone.
DANIEL
No,
it's okay. It's just that I got a lot on my mind.
GUY
Well,
don’t let me get in the way.
DANIEL
No,
stay. I'm being rude, aren't I?
GUY
Not
at all.
DANIEL
I
don’t want to burden you with my troubles.
GUY
Good.
DANIEL
It's
just that…you ever had a dream that was so pure, so simple, so untouched
and then along comes this…this...thing! that twists and distorts and perverts
that purity and takes it and mashes it and stomps on it and squeezes the
very life force out of it until there's nothing left but this dried up
old prune of an idea that not even closely resembles that beautiful gem
you once nurtured in your heart of hearts? Have you, huh? [DEMANDING] Have
you?
GUY
Er…maybe
I better leave you alone.
DANIEL
No,
don't go. I'm being self indulgent, aren't I? You don’t want to hear my
troubles. Why should you? Fuck. Even I don’t want to hear them. Say, you're
not an actor, are you? You're not one of those loathsome spotty little
wankers who take other people's words and step on them and kill them and
rattle them off without any feeling or consideration for the subtlety that
was once so inherent?
GUY
No,
I'm not. I'm a doctor.
DANIEL
Because
I tell you what, if I see one more actor's stupid mug in front of me, I'm
gonna lose control. I'm gonna smash his face into the wall. I'm gonna stomp
on his head till his tiny brain oozes out of his oversized head. I'm gonna
scoop it up, wack it in a blender, throw in a slice of lemon and make a
dickhead smoothie!….So what is it you do?
GUY
I'm
a doctor.
DANIEL
[LOUDLY]
That must be fascinating. Hey am I talking too loud? I'm gonna level with
you. I've had a bit to drink and when I drink I start to get louder. But
at least I'm not obnoxious. Some drunks I know, lets just call them…actors!…they
get drunk and all they can talk about is themselves. "How did you like
my performance? What do you think was my best scene?"…Who gives a flying
fuck!! You're an actor. Not a fucking brain surgeon! [LOOKS AT GUY] So
what do you do?
GUY
I'm…er...a
brain surgeon.
DANIEL
That
must be fascinating. Say…what's your name?
GUY
Guy.
DANIEL
Guy.
Beautiful. My name's…my name's…Oh shit. It'll come to me…just hang in there.
Oh, it's on my drivers licence. [HE TAKES OUT HIS WALLET AND GETS OUT HIS
DRIVERS LICENCE.] I can't read it. [HE LICKS THE BACK OF IT THEN STICKS
IT ON HIS FOREHEAD.] What's it say?
GUY
It
says Daniel Ryan.
DANIEL
Yeah,
that's it. That's me. Daniel Ryan. You heard of me?
GUY
Should
I have?
DANIEL
No
but it's always nice to check. I'm a…well I used to be a famous playwright.
GUY
Really?
Boy, that's great. So you're an artist. You must be very happy doing something
you love.
DANIEL
Oh
yeah. It's a real treat.
HE TAKES THE DRIVERS LICENCE OFF HIS FOREHEAD
GUY
Not
many people are that lucky. I like to think of myself as a bit of an artist
as well. I paint. In my spare time of course. Which isn't that often. Oils
usually. I'm not boring you, am I?
DANIEL
No.
But it's nice of you to ask.
GUY
I
don’t go to the theatre.
DANIEL
You
lucky bastard! Don’t go. It's a horrible place. Full of…actors…and…directors
and strange women in awful wigs called Biggles who don’t even remember
your fucking name. I mean, I should be stronger, shouldn't I? Being a playwright,
I should have a thicker skin, shouldn't I? But can you believe it? I caved.
First big test on my integrity and I crumble like a sand castle. They say
we need to put some dick onstage. Get the punters in." And what do I do?
I say "Sure, why not?" And you wanna know why? Because I've become a whore.
I've sold my soul for the sake of bums on seat. I mean, it's not about
willy, it's about art, it's about integrity…okay, there's a bit of willy
but it's much bigger than that.
GUY
Well,
I don’t know much about plays or things like that but if you've got a story
with a message in it doesn't that come through anyway? What else goes around
it isn't important. What is important is what you're trying to say. It
doesn't matter how much you dress it up you still get to see that idea,
don't you?
DANIEL
Tell
me Doc, you get to see a lot of dick in your profession?
GUY
No,
that's a different department.
DANIEL
Well,
lately I've been seeing plenty and let me tell you, it's not a pretty sight.
I mean, what do dicks have to do with two people falling in love? Huh?
Nothing, is what I can see.
GUY
You
sure talk a lot for someone so drunk.
DANIEL
Yeah,
well, don’t let the booze fool you. When I'm sober I'm a lot more shallow
than this. If I were tougher I'd stand up to the bastards.
GUY
I
don’t know. You grab me as the sort of person who could stand up to anyone.
I better go.
DANIEL
Wait
a minute. Where are you going?
GUY
I
have to get up early.
DANIEL
But…weren't
you trying to pick me up?
GUY
Maybe
some other time. I don’t like taking advantage of people who may or may
not be a little tipsy.
DANIEL
That's
okay. Take advantage. Knock yourself out.
GUY KISSES HIM LIGHTLY ON THE CHEEK.
GUY
I
might see you around. Take care of yourself.
GUY EXITS
DANIEL
Great.
I pour my heart out and I don’t even get a hump.
BLACKOUT
SCENE
EIGHT
ACTOR 1 STANDS IN A SPOTLIGHT FOR A MOMENT THEN LIGHTS COME UP AS ACTOR 2 ENTERS. THEY BOTH FACE EACH OTHER.
ACTOR
1
I've
been calling you for days. Where have you been?
ACTOR
2
I
went down to my mothers for a little while.
ACTOR
1
Why
didn't you let me know? I was worried sick.
ACTOR
2
What
do I have to check in with you for?
ACTOR
1
I
didn't say you had to check...
ACTOR
2
What
are you? My keeper? Jesus Christ. It's like I've never left you. You're
a selfish little prick! I told you we can't be together anymore.
ACTOR
1
I
know! You don't have to keep repeating it! But who are you to keep leaving
me? What gives you the right to make that decision without talking to me
first? Just once I'd like to do it to you!
ACTOR
2
If
I left it to you we'd still be going around in circles.
ACTOR
1
We
are still going around in circles.
ACTOR
2
That's
not my fault.
ACTOR
1
So
I'm to blame for it all now, am I?
ACTOR
2
No,
of course...
ACTOR
1
You
always make me out to be the villain.
ACTOR
2
I
didn't say that. Don't twist things around. You always do that.
ACTOR
1
If
you've broken off with me then why don't you do it properly.
ACTOR
2
With
you there is no proper way.
ACTOR
1
Yes
there is. You don't call me in the middle of the night to see how I am.
You don't drink in the same places. If you see me, don't come up and talk
to me.
ACTOR
2
I
tried that once. You accused me of being rude to you.
ACTOR
1
I
don't like being ignored and treated like a bit of old trade.
ACTOR
2
There's
no pleasing you, is there? At least old trade I can get rid of.
ACTOR 1 HITS HIM. THEY FIGHT FURIOUSLY, FISTS FLYING. ACTOR 2 TRIES TO PUSH HIM AWAY.
ACTOR
2
What
do you want from me?!!
ACTOR
1
I
just want..[SCREAMING]. Why do you keep leaving me?!!
ACTOR
2
Oh,
for chrissakes.
ACTOR
1
[SCREAMING]
No! Let me finish for once! Tell you what I'm thinking. You think I'm not
hurt every time you leave but that's exactly how I feel. You never see
what's going on. Every time that little bell goes off in your head telling
you "I'm over this" I get a phone call. Just once I'd like to have you
look at me when you say it. Not over some fucking phone because you're
too gutless to see me. I wish you could see me after one of those calls.
See what it's like to suffer. You're always walking away from me. Always
deserting me. I'm sure you must feel nothing. Certainly not what I'm feeling.
I walk around like a zombie. I think of nothing else. I don't get any work
done, I don't sleep. I'm constantly running over in my head what I did
wrong? But you still expect me to be there every time you decide you want
to be back with me for a night....or a few days if I'm lucky. Then you
get sick of me again. And the worst thing is, I take you back. I'm sick
of feeling like this all the time. I don't want to feel miserable. But
if I can't be happy because of what you've done, why should you be happy
either. I wish you were dead...[PAUSE. ACTOR 2 CRUMBLES]...or out of the
country or something so I don't have you there in my life....that picture
of you in my head. Because my heart keeps breaking and I don't think I
can handle it anymore.
ACTOR
2
[CRYING]
And what about me? You don't know what goes on in my head? Well join the
club! I haven't seen you in three months but I still think about you every
day. Every night I go to ring you but I stop myself because I'll end up
hurting you again. If I weaken now I'll never get away from you. You don't
know how I feel. You never see if I'm hurting but you tell all your friends
how much I make you suffer. What about me?
AS
ACTOR 2 SOBS ACTOR 1 MOVES IN AND GATHERS HIM IN HIS ARMS. LIGHTS FADE.
SCENE NINE
BRIAN IS SITTING DOWN, SLIGHTLY DRUNK & WEEPING. DANIEL ENTERS.
DANIEL
Brian?
Is everything okay?
BRIAN
Oh,
couldn't be fucking dandier. Any happier and I'd open a vein.
DANIEL
Is
it about the show?
BRIAN
Why
would it be about the show?! Does everything have to be about the show?
I have a life, you know. Well, when I say "life" I'm speaking in the broadest
possible sense. I have a less than star-spangled career, a boyfriend who
screws around, a mortgage that could choke a pig, I'm over forty...just...and
I've got a couple of love handles you could land a chopper on! Need I say
more?
DANIEL
I'm
sorry.
BRIAN
Actually
it is about the show. Have you seen the set?
DANIEL
No,
I just got here.
BRIAN
Well,
go take a look. Go take a look at what our fabulous designer has come up
with.
DANIEL
Oh,
okay.
DANIEL EXITS FOR A MOMENT
BRIAN
Bastard!
Fucking bastard!
DANIEL RE-ENTERS
DANIEL
Brian,
where's the set?
BRIAN
It's
in the fucking laneway! It won’t fit through the doors of the fucking theatre!
Twenty thousand dollars for a bed and we can't even use it!
DANIEL
Maybe
if we cut it in half.
BRIAN
That's
no good! It's no good! It's built in a sort of cross sectional…bloody carpentry
shit thing, I don’t know. If you cut it in half it falls apart! It's fucked!
We're supposed to open tomorrow night. What will we do? We've sent out
all the invites. We can't cancel. I'll be a laughing stock. My name will
mean shit.
DANIEL
Okay,
okay. Just calm down.
BRIAN
[CALMING
HIMSELF] Okay, okay. I'm calm. [PAUSE] We're fucked.
DANIEL
Where's
Terry?
BRIAN
Don’t
talk to me about that pathetic bastard. As soon as she realised she couldn't
get her little set in the door, she bolted like a bitch-fed banshee. Talk
about take the money and run.
DANIEL
Okay,
we need to think.
BRIAN
Sure,
why not. We've got time. And after tomorrow night I'm probably gonna have
a lot more free time on my hands so I guess it's pretty much safe to assume
my dance card's gonna be covered in white-out.
LESLEY BRINGS TERRY IN WHO IS ALSO VERY DRUNK.
You bastard. You fucking bastard! I ought to kill you, you drunken sot.
BRIAN LUNGES FOR TERRY, DANIEL AND LESLEY KEEP THEM APART.
TERRY
Ah,
get him away from me. It's not my fault. You should have made sure the
theatre had bigger doors.
BRIAN
What
do you want? A fucking aircraft hangar?
TERRY
It
can be fixed. We just need some time to re-think the design.
BRIAN
Design?
What design!!? There's no set! That fucking ridiculous bed was the design.
Without the bed it's just…space! A dark space, you psycho twat!
TERRY
We
just need to make it a little more subtle.
BRIAN
Subtle?
You don’t know the meaning of the word, you drunken old fart! You're about
as subtle as an SBS subtitle!
DANIEL
Well,
maybe we could just put a mattress in the centre of the stage. That way
the actors could work around it. It would make them more of a focus anyway.
THEY ALL LOOK AT DANIEL. BRIAN IS ABOUT TO LUNGE FOR HIM THEN STOPS, THINKS.
BRIAN
Brilliant.
Nice and simple. What I always wanted anyway.
TERRY
Wait
a minute. You can’t just dump a mattress on the middle of the floor and
call it a set! [BEAT] You need to dress it up. I've got some lovely doona
covers at home. I'll go get them.
BRIAN
And
some lovely pillows. Lesley, be a love and call my house. See if that fat
fuckwit boyfriend of mine will drop them off. The ones in the spare room.
Now we just need to re-plot the lighting. It means I'll have to climb the
rig. Where's Rawanda?
TERRY
I'll
help. I'll hold the ladder for you.
BRIAN LOOKS AT HIM
It's the least I can do.
BRIAN
You're
a treasure.
BRIAN PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIM. THEY START TO EXIT.
TERRY
Maybe
I need to change the colour of those boxer shorts.
BLACKOUT
SCENE TEN
JOHN IS SMOKING IN THE LANEWAY OF THE THEATRE. MICHAEL ENTERS, SEES JOHN AND TRIES TO LEAVE WITHOUT BEING SEEN BUT JOHN NOTICES HIM.
JOHN
Hi.
How are you feeling?
MICHAEL
Oh,
[MOVING RELUCTANTLY TOWARDS HIM]…nervous as all shit. It's a full house?
JOHN
Uh-huh.
MICHAEL
Fuck.
JOHN
What's
the matter?
MICHAEL
First
night nerves, I guess.
JOHN
I
heard that if you imagine the audience all in their underwear it makes
it easier.
MICHAEL
Great.
JOHN
Is
that all?
MICHAEL
Yeah,
sure. Why?
JOHN
Well,
I get the feeling you've been avoiding me for the past couple of days.
As soon as we finish work you're off.
MICHAEL
Yeah,
I know. I've been kinda pre-occupied lately.
JOHN
Not
with the show.
MICHAEL
No.
JOHN
Then
what?
MICHAEL
Er…you
know I told you about my girlfr….my flatmate.
JOHN
Uh-huh.
MICHAEL
Well,
she wants to come back.
JOHN
So,
let her.
MICHAEL
I
can't.
JOHN
So
you're telling me she was more than just a flatmate? Boy, you've hidden
that well.
MICHAEL
Would've
been a piece of cake for the Nazi interrogators, right.
JOHN
Damned
right. So, are you going to take her back?
MICHAEL
I
can't.
JOHN
Why
not?
MICHAEL
Because
I'm not in love with her anymore. I mean, as soon as I wasn't a telly actor
she walked.
JOHN
No
more glittering movie premieres and swanky "A" class invites?
MICHAEL
Something
like that. I became just another actor looking for work and it wasn't that
glamorous anymore.
JOHN
Well,
maybe you're better off anyway.
MICHAEL
That's
not the reason I knocked her back.
JOHN
Oh?
MICHAEL
No.
I told her…I told her I was in love with someone else.
JOHN
And
how did she take that?
MICHAEL
She
threatened to break into my flat and melt my Logie for Best New Talent.
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
JOHN
And
how does this new love measure up? In comparison I mean.
MICHAEL
Oh,
it's different.
JOHN
It
always is. You get used to it. Do they know you're having this dilemma?
MICHAEL
Probably
not.
JOHN
Oh,
I get it. You haven't told this new person you're in love with them.
MICHAEL
I'm
telling them now.
JOHN
Really,
what? Are they out front? When are you planning on telling them? After
the show. Well that's good.
MICHAEL
No,
you don’t understand. I'm telling them now.
JOHN
What?
MICHAEL
It's
you, you moron.
JOHN
[SHOCKED]
I don't…
MICHAEL
You
don't have to say anything. I know it's the last thing you need.
JOHN
I
don’t know what to say.
MICHAEL
Don’t
say anything. I just wanted to tell you.
JOHN
But…I
don’t…I mean, you're supposed to be straight.
MICHAEL
I'm
in the theatre.
JOHN
That's
still no excuse.
MICHAEL
Believe
me. No-one's more surprised than I am.
JOHN
But
I thought what we did the other night was a one off. For the benefit of
the play. For the experience.
MICHAEL
Well,
it was certainly that.
JOHN
But
you just can't go by the one time. You don't get to be gay after one lesson.
I had to work for years to get this screwed-up and bitter.
MICHAEL
I
never said I was gay.
JOHN
But
you're telling me you're in love with me. A man. You've had sex with me.
A man. What is that? Work experience.
MICHAEL
I
can't tell you why. I can only tell what's in my head.
JOHN
And
what am I supposed to do now. What do you want me to do?
MICHAEL
Nothing.
JOHN
Well,
I can tell you this, I take my job in the theatre very seriously and if
there's one thing I've learnt from the theatre it's timing!!
JOHN STORMS OFF.
MICHAEL
Boy,
what a pissed off queen.
BLACKOUT
SCENE
ELEVEN
DANIEL ENTERS. RAWANDA IS SITTING, SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
RAWANDA
Howdy.
DANIEL
Hi.
You sure you should be smoking? I know some actors get very uppy when people
smoke near them before a performance.
RAWANDA
Where
do you think I got this from?
DANIEL
So,
is everything okay? Ready for a super opening night? I tell you, I get
pretty nervous about this time. Look at me. I'm almost climbing the walls.
Doesn't matter how many times and however many plays I'm still as nervous
as all buggery. I don’t know why. You'd think I would be use to it and
everything but when I get nervous I ramble. Am I rambling? I can't tell.
I mean, you'd tell me if I was rambling, wouldn't you? I wouldn't want
to be a burden or anything. I know you have a lot to do.
RAWANDA
Daniel?
DANIEL
Yes?
RAWANDA
You're
rambling. Here. [SHE PASSES OVER THE CIGARETTE.] I think you need this
more than I do.
DANIEL
Thanks.
[TAKES A PUFF. HE ALMOST CHOKES] Hey, this isn't a cigarette. This is dope!
RAWANDA
[TAKING
IT BACK OFF HIM] Can't fool you for a minute, can I?
DANIEL
Who
did you get this off?
RAWANDA
Michael.
DANIEL
Oh,
my God. You mean he gave this to you? How long has he been on this stuff?
Jesus Christ. That's all we need. An actor stoned out of his head on the
opening night.
RAWANDA
Daniel,
relax. Here take another puff.
DANIEL
Are
you crazy?! We got to get to him. Sober him up somehow. We need some ginseng
or something. Have you got any?
RAWANDA
What?
Ginseng?
DANIEL
Of
course. All you dykes are into the herbal aroma-therapy type shit, aren't
you?
RAWANDA
Oh
yeah. You're on to us. [BEAT] We all sit around giving each other bad haircuts
and getting in touch with the rose-hip oil within.
DANIEL
Well,
we have to do something. We can't let him go on stoned.
RAWANDA
Relax.
He's not stoned.
DANIEL
He's
not?
RAWANDA
No.
[BEAT] He's pissed out of his tree but he's not stoned.
DANIEL
What?
He's drunk?
RAWANDA
Only
slightly.
DANIEL
But
why?
RAWANDA
Haven't
you ever wanted something so bad you ache but you just don’t know how to
get it?
DANIEL
Of
course but I…
SHE PASSES HIM THE JOINT AGAIN. HE TAKES IT AND STARTS PUFFING.
RAWANDA
Well
right now Michael is a little boy lost. I knew all that macho posturing
was just an act.
DANIEL
An
act? For what?
RAWANDA
He's
in love. But he just won't admit it. To himself or anyone else.
DANIEL
In
love? With who?
RAWANDA
For
crying out loud. With John!
DANIEL
What!!
RAWANDA
Uh-huh.
DANIEL
But
I thought Michael was straight.
RAWANDA
Don't
worry. I think it's come as a big surprise to him as well.
DANIEL
But
John? I always thought John came across as a bit asexual.
RAWANDA
That's
right honey. A "homo" sexual.
DANIEL
But
how do you know?
RAWANDA
Sweetheart,
I work in the theatre. It's not like we need t-shirts to work out who falls
on which side of the fence.
DANIEL
But
does John know how Michael feels about him?
RAWANDA
I'm
not sure. But I'll let you in on a little secret and this is just between
you, me and the rest of the planet I think they "done the dirty."
DANIEL
You're
kidding?
RAWANDA
Probably
at it right now in the dressing room. And I'll tell you another thing,
if that’s how they're teaching actors to warm up these days it sure beats
the hell out of "Red leather, Yellow leather." I better go give 'em the
half. You okay?
DANIEL
What?
Oh, sure. Can I have the rest of this?
SHE PASSES HIM OVER ANOTHER JOINT.
RAWANDA
For
interval.
DANIEL
Say,
Rawanda…thanks. We haven't really talked that much, have we?
RAWANDA
That's
okay. You do what you do and I do what I do. We don't have to connect but
it's still cool.
DANIEL
What
do you think you'll do after this show.
RAWANDA
Get
a coffee and go home to my cat. Probably the only pussy I'm gonna see tonight.
DANIEL
No,
I meant after this season. What are your plans?
RAWANDA
Well,
unless some prince sweeps me off my feet and offers me some more work on
his next simple play which involves working in the same attire as a Gothic
half my waking hours, I think I might go off and form my own theatre group
for women. Maybe call it Clever Ladies In Theatre…or C.L.I.T. for short.
It's not my line but it's cute, ay?
DANIEL
Cute?
Sure.
RAWANDA
Daniel?
DANIEL
Mm?
RAWANDA
You
had a nice little play there. I kinda liked it. It's heart's in the right
place. And that doesn't happen a hell of a lot in this business. Don’t
ever forget that.
DANIEL
I
won’t. Thanks.
SHE EXITS. HE LOOKS AT THE JOINT FOR A MOMENT THEN PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.
BLACKOUT
SCENE TWELVE
VOICE
OVER:
Ladies
& gentlemen, the second act of Daniel Ryan's "Two Lonely Hearts Beating
As One On A Hot Summer's Night" will recommence in 5 mins. Please take
your seats.
LIGHTS COME UP ON ACTOR 2 & ACTOR 1 FACING EACH OTHER. THEY ARE NAKED. THE DIALOGUE IS VERY WOODEN AND IS SUPPOSED TO BE.
ACTOR
1
So…this
is goodbye.
ACTOR
2
Goodbye.
Yes. This is how it has to be. No more tears.
ACTOR
1
No.
No more.
ACTOR
2
2
years of love.
ACTOR
1
Long
enough.
ACTOR
2
Yes.
ACTOR
1
I
have a present for you. To say goodbye.
HE PICKS UP AND HANDS HIM A BOX OF CHOCOLATES SHAPED LIKE A HEART.
ACTOR
2
Cherry
liqueur?
ACTOR
1
Cherry
liqueur.
THEY HOLD THE CHOCOLATES BETWEEN THEM COVERING THEIR GROINS FROM THE AUDIENCE.
ACTOR
2
My
favourites.
ACTOR
1
I
know.
ACTOR
2
Time
to go.
ACTOR
1
Yes.
ACTOR 2 MOVES CLOSER TO HIM.
ACTOR
2
I
love you.
ACTOR
1
I
lo….I…love…
ACTOR 1 FREEZES UP. ACTOR 2 LOOKS ALARMED.
ACTOR
2
[MUMBLING]
"I love you."
ACTOR
1
I…
ACTOR
2
[UNDER
HIS BREATH] Say it. "I love you."
ACTOR
1
I….
DANIEL, BRIAN AND HENRY MOVE TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. THEY ALL SPEAK QUIETLY.
HENRY
What
the fuck is that little pisher doing?
BRIAN
He's
dried. Oh God. This is a nightmare. The last line in the play. [SPEAKING
OFF] Rawanda, bring the lights out. Bring the fucking lights out.
DANIEL
No,
wait. He hasn't dried. How could he dry on the last line? It's something
else.
BRIAN
I'll
fucking kill him. Stupid little queen.
HENRY
I'll
strangle the twit with his own boxer shorts.
DANIEL
Hang
on.
ACTOR
1
I…
HE TAKES ACTOR 2'S FACE IN HIS HANDS AND KISSES HIM TENDERLEY ON THE MOUTH
BRIAN
That's
not in the play!
ACTOR
1
I
love you.
ACTOR 2 LOOKS STUNNED THEN SMILES.
ACTOR
2
I…I
love you too.
THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE ACTORS. DANIEL STANDS THERE CRYING.
DANIEL
Yes
it is.
HENRY
DRAGS A SOBBING DANIEL OFF AS THE LIGHTS FADE TO THE SOUND OF AUDIENCE
APPLAUSE.
SCENE THIRTEEN
STAGE LIGHTS COME UP ON MICHAEL & JOHN IN THEIR BOXER SHORTS ALONE.
JOHN
I'm
sorry. I'm sorry I ruined the last scene for you.
MICHAEL
That's
okay.
JOHN
I
don’t know what came over me.
MICHAEL
I
do. I felt your dick on my leg.
JOHN
I'm
sorry about that.
MICHAEL
Yeah.
Well, that's showbiz right? I better get packed up. We got an opening night
party to get to.
JOHN
Yeah.
Listen…
MICHAEL
Yeah?
JOHN
Maybe…after
the party tonight if you're not too tired…we could get a coffee.
MICHAEL
Really?
JOHN
Yeah.
I know this little café not far from my place.
MICHAEL
Sounds
great.
HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIM AS THEY EXIT. DANIEL ENTERS CENTRE STAGE AND LOOKS AROUND. HE IS QUITE HAPPY. BRIAN AND HENRY ENTER FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE STAGE AND KISS HIM ON THE CHEEK.
HENRY
Excellent.
Wonderful show. Congratulations Daniel. You must be very happy.
DANIEL
Thank
you Henry.
HENRY
My
pleasure. Brian, see you in the bar. Great job.
HENRY EXITS. BRIAN AND DANIEL STAND AWKWARDLY NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY.
BRIAN
So,
how are you doing?
DANIEL
Fine.
You?
BRIAN
Fine,
fine. Apart from that little hiccup at the end and the spot of bother in
the foyer?
DANIEL
What
spot of bother?
BRIAN
Oh,
just Biggle's crock pot exploded after interval. Fucking vindaloo and pappadums
everywhere. She's under sedation at the moment.
DANIEL
Really?
BRIAN
Actually
Henry hit her over the head with a sushi tray. Calmed her down in no time.
DANIEL
That's
good.
BRIAN
Well,
I'll see you at the party?
DANIEL
You
sure will.
BRIAN EXITS. DANIEL STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT. HE SMILES. HE REMEMBERS THE JOINT IN HIS POCKET, TAKES IT OUT AND LIGHTS IT. GUY ENTERS.
GUY
Hi.
DANIEL
Hi.
Can I help you?
GUY
Oh,
you probably don’t remember me. We met the other night.
DANIEL
We
did? Oh shit we did. That's right. Sorry. [PAUSE] Hi. What brings you here?
GUY
Well,
I came to see your play.
DANIEL
Really?
You were out front? I didn't see you.
GUY
I
was up the back.
DANIEL
Ah,
the cheaper seats huh? Just joking. Did you…did you like the uh, play?
My play. Did you like my play?
GUY
Very
much. Hard to believe it comes from the same big mouth from the other night.
DANIEL
Yeah.
I'm sorry about that. I was a little drunk. Bad time to try and shut me
up. I seem to remember you didn't want to take advantage of my situation.
Very gallant.
GUY
You're
not drunk now.
DANIEL
No,
I'm not. I'm sorry. I've forgotten your name.
GUY
It's
Guy.
DANIEL
Hi
Guy.
GUY.
Hi.
DANIEL
My
name's Daniel.
GUY
I
know.
DANIEL
How?
GUY
I
saw it on your driver's licence.
DANIEL
Oh?
I didn't know we’d been that familiar.
GUY
Can
I buy you a drink?
DANIEL
It's
a party. It's all free.
GUY
Well,
can I mooch you a drink?
DANIEL
Sounds
great. I guess in a way this is our second date then, right?
GUY
I
guess.
DANIEL
Good.
I'll let you in on a little secret. I usually let people get to second
base on the second date.
GUY
I'll
keep that in mind.
DANIEL
Tell
you what, meet me round the front in 5 minutes.
GUY
Okay.
GUY EXITS. DANIEL WATCHES HIM. LIGHTS FADE TO A SINGLE SPOT ON DANIEL.
DANIEL
[TO
AUDIENCE] Okay, So what have I learned from all this? Maybe being a whore
for your art isn’t such a bad thing if there's a nice cheque at the end
of it? No. Maybe it was never to trust actors and directors even when they
think they have the best intentions because you can be sure they watching
out for one thing and it certainly isn't your best interests. Okay maybe
that's a bit harsh. If I had to narrow it down I guess one thing I've learnt
is that no two people are the same and no matter how much we want it to
be perfect, no-one is looking at the same horizon. Every journey has a
different destination and sure compromise is a good thing...but having
faith enough in your vision to stand strong against the gale is what it's
all about. Maybe I'll write about that next time. Mustn't keep the good
doctor waiting.
LIGHTS
FADE TO BLACK
end