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raftos@raftos.com.au
 
 
 

Love In a Cubicle
By Steven Dawson

First Performance
January 9th, 2002
Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre
Melbourne, Australia

Cast As Following
 
 

Chorus	Jacob Boehme
Peter	Brett Whittingham
Joel	Sean Ladhams
Harry	Remy Scholten
Sister Mary
Brother Robert
Donna Saunders	Adam Chamberlain
Cleaner
Tom

Directed by Steven Dawson
Produced by Out Cast Theatre
As part of the Melbourne Midsumma Festival 2002
 

LOVE IN A CUBICLE
A comedy by Steven Dawson
 

Act One
 

SCENE ONE

THE STAGE IS IN DARKNESS. A LOUD GONG AND THEN A DEEP HORN FLOURISH IS HEARD. THE STAGE IS COVERED IN SMOKE. THE LIGHTS COME UP AS THE GREEK CHORUS ENTERS, DRESSED IN LONG DRAB ROBES, COMPLETE WITH MASK. AT THE START OF THE PLAY HE IS DRESSED IN ROBES THE SAME COLOUR AS THE SET DRAPES BUT AS THE PLAY PROGRESSES HE STARTS TO ADD ON BITS AND PIECES.
 

CHORUS
Our story begins as all stories begin with a beginning. That is to say we shall start where we start and leave the middle and end until it’s their turn. Behold the city. All eyes to the city. That’s everyone. Two princes of the realm though not of the same mother for then she would be a slut and woe to the slut unless you can make money out of it or someone else buys all the drinks.

LIGHTS COME UP ON TWO SCHOOLBOYS SITTING ON A BENCH EATING SANDWICHES. THEY FACE STRAIGHT AHEAD.

Two young men in their prime yet not reached one score or anything. Two men who have tasted the...who have tasted the...[HE STOPS AND STARTS TO REMOVE HIS MASK] I’m sorry. I’m gonna have to start again. I can’t breath in this fucking thing. I feel like bloody Darth Vader. Stupid writer. Use your imagination. I’ll go again from where I left off. Two princes who have tasted the sweet grapes of youth…as opposed to the Grapes Of Wrath, which was a good book but a lousy play and the MTC should never have done it even though I would’ve been perfect for the part but did I get a call? I did not! [BEAT] Two princes facing an uncertain future with so much…uncertainty. Yes they have questions. Questions that have dogged mankind throughout the ages. Questions that man has shouted to the gods since time immemorial. Since man crawled from the sludge and raised his fists to the heavens. Since the beginning of time itself…

JOEL
Is that peanut butter?

PETER
Uh-huh.

JOEL
Thought so.

CHORUS
Ah, behold the language. That these two will probably go into politics or local council you can be sure.

THE CHORUS EXITS.

PETER
You’re new here.

JOEL
Yep. Started last Monday.

PETER
That’s nice.

JOEL
My name’s Joel.

PETER
I know.

JOEL
Oh.

PETER
I saw your name on the attendance sheet. I figured that’s who you were.

JOEL
Right.

PAUSE

PETER
Don’t you want to know my name?

JOEL
Sure. Why not. No, let me guess. You look like a…. like a Peter to me.

PETER
Fuck. That’s incredible. Are you psychic or something?

JOEL
No, but my sister is. She has to take pills.

PETER
Funny. How old are you?

JOEL
Eighteen next month. You?

PETER
Next December.

JOEL
Bummer.

PETER
Don’t I know it.

JOEL
What sports are you doing?

PETER
Tennis, lacrosse, golf.

JOEL
You like that shit?

PETER
Yep. Have you seen the gronks in this place? The less I have to actually touch anyone the happier I’ll be. What about you?

JOEL
All the usual Neanderthals. Footy, cricket, soccer.

PETER
You like all that?

JOEL
It’s okay. You should be doing the same sort of stuff as me.

PETER
Why?

JOEL
Don’t know. Just making small talk.

PETER
Oh. So what class have you got next?

JOEL
Biology.

PETER
Yeah? Who with?

JOEL
Bald head. Beady eyes. Looks like a Shar Pei.

PETER
Brother Richard.

JOEL
Is it?

PETER
Yeah. He’s okay. Bit weird sometimes.

JOEL
Is he?

PETER
Oh, yeah. Likes to sing.

JOEL
Sing?

PETER
Show tunes mostly.

JOEL
Must be gay.

PETER
[FLUSTERED] Must be.

PAUSE

JOEL
Do you like to sing?

PETER
Sing?

JOEL
Uh-huh.

PETER
Not really.

JOEL
I do.

PETER
What?

JOEL
Sing.

PETER
Oh.

JOEL
By the way…your name?

PETER
Yeah?

JOEL
It’s on your lunch box.

JOEL WALKS OFF SINGING “GETTING TO KNOW YOU” FROM THE KING & I. PETER WATCHES HIM FOR A MOMENT THEN WALKS OFF SINGING THE SAME TUNE AS WELL. THE CHORUS ENTERS

CHORUS
As is quite plain before us these two young princes are but innocence personified until the first outpouring of their own hidden emotions are called into play. Thus did their first encounter come across as awkward, stilted and quite possibly downright mind-numbingly dull to those of us wanting to see some action and possibly a little nudity. But, as with all great love stories for indeed that is our traffic this goodly midsummer’s eve, events, actions and piss-poor characterisations conspire in this great conjunction to better serve our story. In all this we see that we are merely playthings of the gods. Get it?

BLACKOUT

SCENE TWO

THE THEME FROM CHARIOTS OF FIRE COMES ON. A STROBE LIGHT COMES UP AND THE BOYS IN P.E. SHORTS AND T-SHIRT ARE SEEN RUNNING A CROSS COUNTRY RACE IN SLOW MOTION. AT ONE POINT JOEL MOVES TOWARDS THE BACK AND DROPS HIS TROUSERS TO FLASH HIS ARSE. PETER LOOKS BACK AND TRIPS OVER. JOEL PICKS HIM UP AND THEY CONTINUE. PETER PULLS OUT AN ASTHMA SPRAY AND TAKES A PUFF. JOEL TAKES IT FROM HIM AND TAKES A PUFF AS WELL. HE STARTS CHOKING AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR. PETER PICKS HIM UP. THEY CONTINUE RUNNING. JOEL DROPS BACK AND PETER STARTS TO LOOK FOR HIM AS THEY RUN TO FACE A DIFFERENT DIRECTION. JOEL COMES UP QUICKLY BEHIND PETER AND SLAMS INTO HIS ARSE THEN DROPS BACK AS IF VERY INNOCENT. JOEL STOPS AND TAKES A JOINT OUT OF HIS SOCK AND LIGHTS IT. HE TRIES TO PASS IT TO PETER BUT ENDS UP BURNING HIS CHEEK. THE STROBE LIGHT STOPS AND FOR A MOMENT THE STAGE IS IN DARKNESS. THEN A RED LIGHT COMES UP ALONG WITH SOME CHINESE MUSIC. THE BOYS ARE SITTING IN THE RED LIGHT WITH THE SMOKE AROUND THEM LIKE AN OPIUM DEN. THE LIGHT TURNS TO NORMAL.

JOEL
You wanna smoke?

PETER
Oh, yeah, that's right. Get us in trouble. That's all I need. [PAUSE] I don't smoke anyway.

JOEL
Wimp.

PETER
God, you are such a cliché.

JOEL
What's that?

PETER
Forget it.

JOEL
Smartarse.

PETER
Dumb ass.

JOEL
So...take a puff.

PETER
I told you. I don't smoke.

JOEL
Not ever?

PETER
Well, I tried once but I almost heaved my guts up. Maybe I'm allergic to tobacco.

JOEL
Who said anything about tobacco?

PETER
Oh?

JOEL
I meant a joint.

PETER
A joint?

JOEL
Is everything that comes out of your mouth a question?

PETER
What do you mean?

JOEL PASSES OVER THE JOINT TO HIM. HE RESISTS.

PETER
I told you...no.

JOEL
Come on. You know you wanna.

PETER
God, you're such a bloody hippy.

JOEL
Come on. Just one little puff.

PETER
Your peer pressure routine needs a little work. You really shouldn't be doing that.

JOEL
Thanks for the lecture, mum. Why not?

PETER
Well, for one thing it's vile, Mr Stinky Breath. And for another, someone might see.

JOEL
So?

PETER
Yeah...so!

JOEL
What are they gonna do? Kick me out of school?

PETER
For starters...yeah! And me as well for being an accessory.

JOEL
They can't see us from here. We're the last ones. That's why it's great running with asthmatics. Everyone thinks I'm doing a good deed for the handicapped.

PETER
Thanks.

JOEL
I mean it. What the hell made you want to come for this run anyway? All you wheezers usually sit in the library when we do this.

PETER
Yeah, well, I needed to see what you meatheads really get up to when the brainiacs aren't around.

JOEL
Anyway, everyone's probably back at the gym by now, getting ready to go home so there ain't no one else around. Who else is there to dob me in? You?

HE SHIFTS HIS BODY AROUND SO PETER IS LOOKING STRAIGHT UP HIS SHORTS. PETER IS FLUSTERED AND LOOKS AWAY.

PETER
You know I wouldn't.

JOEL
'Cause if you did I'd have to teach you a lesson.

PETER
Could you be any more of a gronk or are you gonna sink further down the food chain?

JOEL
Yep. I can see that's what it's gonna take.

PETER
What are you on about?

JOEL
You need to be taught a lesson.

PETER
Taught a lesson? Well, try to get your knuckles off the ground before you take up the chalk.

JOEL
That's very funny. You know...I could tie you down and gob all over your face.

PETER
Yeah. That'd teach me alright. Teach me what a fucking Neanderthal you are.

JOEL
Or I could suffocate you out here and everyone’d think you had an asthma attack and dropped dead.

PETER
How would you do that? Breathe on me? Suffocate me with your stinky armpits.

JOEL
Maybe. So you better watch yourself.

PETER
You're an idiot.

JOEL
Is that so?

PETER
And more than just a little. Your parents back at the zoo must be very worried...when they're not smelling each other's arses.

JOEL
You're very cocky. I can see there's only one way to shut you up.

PETER
And how is that?

JOEL
I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you. Nah. I think I'm gonna have to gob all over your head.

HE SNORTS INTO HIS THROAT AND STARTS TO HAWK UP SOME PHLEGM

PETER
You haven't got the guts. I know cause usually I can smell it.

JOEL
Oh really?

PETER
I'll use small words so you can catch up.

JOEL
Them are fighting words.

JOEL LUNGES ON TO PETER. HE SITS ON TOP OF HIM, PINNING HIM DOWN AND STARTS TICKLING HIM.

PETER
Get off me, you jerk. Get off me!

JOEL
Oh, not so tough now, huh? What do you want?

PETER
Get the hell of me you retard or I'll....

JOEL
You'll what? Talk me to death? What are you gonna do?

PETER
Someone might see.

JOEL
See what? In any case...fuck 'em.

PETER
Ow...watch it. You're hurting me, dickhead.

JOEL
Hurting your dickhead? You wish.

HE HAS PETER PINNED DOWN. HE LEANS IN VERY CLOSE TO HIS FACE.

You know what I'd like to do now?

PETER
Chew on a Tic-Tac maybe?

JOEL
Maybe later.

PETER
I swear, if you fart on me there's gonna be murder here.

JOEL
I can think of something worse than that.

PETER
If you think I'm gonna French kiss your mother again after I hump her old bones just like everyone else in this town...

JOEL LEANS IN AND KISSES PETER DEEPLY ON THE LIPS. PETER IS STUNNED. JOELS GETS UP.

JOEL
That should shut you up for awhile.

JOEL SWAGGERS OFF. PETER GETS UP AS THE CHORUS ENTERS. PETER LOOKS OFF AFTER JOEL. MUSIC: "I'M IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL GUY.' PETER TOUCHES HIS LIPS AND SMILES. HE LOOKS OFF AGAIN. HE TAKES OUT HIS ASTHMA SPRAY AND IS ABOUT TO TAKE A PUFF BUT DECIDES NOT TO. HE STARTS TO WALK OFF SLOWLY THEN SKIPS AND THEN RUNS OFF.

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE THREE

CHORUS
Oh my god. That was close. I need to lie down for a bit. And yet...that first moment. That first kiss. That all too brief exchange that is destined to last a lifetime in our memory. A first taste of, dare we say it...love? Who are we to condemn? To question? To quickly try and sneak a snapshot even though the sign says no taking of photographs or recording...not that there's much to record so far. Yes. Who are we to deny these princes and sway them from their destiny?

THE CHORUS EXITS. THE LIGHTS COME UP. THE TWO BOYS ARE SITTING. DONNA SAUNDERS SITS BEHIND THUMBING THROUGH HER WELL-WORN COPY OF SYLVIA PLATH. PETER IS UPSTAGE. PETER STARTS TO MOVE HIS CHAIR SLOWLY DOWNSTAGE IN FITS AND STARTS. EVERY TIME HE MOVES THE OTHERS TURN TO LOOK AT HIM. PETER STARTS TO INCH HIS DESK FORWARD. HE TRIPS AND FALLS OVER. HE REGAINS HIMSELF RIGHT NEXT TO JOEL.

JOEL
You're an idiot.

PETER MOVES HIS DESK NEXT TO JOEL.

What are you doing?

PETER
Nothing.

JOEL
Well, you're gonna get us in trouble.

PETER
I thought you were already in trouble. Isn’t that why you're on detention?

JOEL GLARES AT HIM.

If that isn't the most obvious thing I could've said.

JOEL
Someone saw me smoking and dobbed me in.

PETER
Who? It wasn't me.

JOEL
Relax. I know that. One of the teachers saw me smoking in the showers.

PETER
Showers? But wouldn't your cigarette get wet?

JOEL
I forgot to turn the water on. God. I thought you were the smart one. Thank Christ it was just a cigarette. Otherwise I would've really been in deep shit. What are you doing here anyway?

PETER
My 3-unit Art got cancelled. So I get some private study time.

JOEL
3-unit art? What a suck. How many people are doing that?

PETER
Just one. One teacher, one student. I hope he gets sick more often.

JOEL
So, what are you sitting here for?

PETER
No reason.

JOEL
Okay.

PAUSE

PETER
Can I ask you something?

JOEL
Why not?

PETER
Why did you...you know...?

JOEL
What?

PETER
You know. Why did you kiss me?

JOEL
Did it bother you?

PETER
No, of course not. I don't know. Maybe.

JOEL
Maybe? You're such a jerk.

PETER
Sorry. I guess I'm not as experienced in these things as you.

JOEL
Who says I'm experienced?

PETER
Oh.

JOEL
It was just a kiss for fuck's sakes. Why should it mean anything?

PETER
I guess it doesn’t have to.

JOEL LOOKS AT PETER FOR A MOMENT.

JOEL
Why do you think I did it?

PETER
I don't know. You were being a jerk?

JOEL
There you go then.

PETER
You were being a jerk?

JOEL
I didn't say that. Maybe I did it because I felt like it.

PETER
Really?

JOEL
Yep. Maybe. You sure are making a big deal out of it. If I'd known you were going to go mental I wouldn't have bothered.

PETER
Oh, it's okay. I knew you were just mucking around.

JOEL
Who says I was mucking around?

PETER
You weren't mucking around?

JOEL
Boy you go on. Just forget about it. It was just a kiss.

PETER TAKES OUT HIS DRINK BOTTLE FROM HIS BAG AND OPENS IT.

PETER
I know. Just a kiss.

JOEL
That's right.

PETER
Didn't mean anything.

JOEL
That's right.

PETER
Right.

PAUSE. HE TAKES A SWIG OF HIS DRINK.

JOEL
Good thing I didn't try to fuck you.

PETER CHOKES ON HIS DRINK.

BLACKOUT
 
 

SCENE FOUR

THE CHORUS ENTERS.

CHORUS
Man, by nature, is a sexual being. Unless you're ex-One Nation David Oldfield in which case it's anybody's guess and why is it that the cute nerdish ones always turn out to be Nazis? [PAUSE] Where was I? Oh yes… And sexual attraction can be a powerful force especially when it first rears its head...so to speak. I can remember...no, best not talk about that. I could get sued.

THE CHORUS MOVES UPSTAGE AND STANDS AGAINST THE DRAPES. HE NOTICES HE BLENDS IN AND IS NOT HAPPY. THE BOYS ENTER AND CROSS BACK AND FORTH THROUGH THIS SCENE. IN THE FIRST ENCOUNTER THEY DO NOTHING BUT PASS EACH OTHER. THEY ENTER AGAIN. PETER LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER THEN BACK. JOEL LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER THEN BACK. THEY EXIT. THE CHORUS WATCHES FOR A MOMENT THEN GETS A LITTLE BORED AND TAKES OUT A MAGAZINE TO READ. PETER ENTERS. HE STOPS CENTRE AND DROPS DOWN TO TIE UP HIS SHOE LACE. JOEL ENTERS AND STANDS WITH HIS CROTCH NEAR PETER'S FACE. PETER LOOKS UP THEN QUICKLY STANDS AND EXITS. JOEL SMILES AND EXITS. THEY BOTH ENTER AND PASS EACH OTHER AS JOEL TOUCHES PETER'S HAND. THEY EXIT. THEY ENTER. JOEL GRABS PETER'S ARSE. PETER TURNS AROUND AS THEY EXIT. THEY ENTER. PETER STANDS AWAY FROM JOEL. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FROM AFAR. JOEL THEN MOVES UP TO PETER QUICKLY AND THEN KISSES HIM PASSIONATELY. PETER PULLS BACK QUICKLY, LOOKS AT JOEL THEN GRABS HIM AND PULLS HIM INTO HIM. THEY ARE ALL OVER EACH OTHER THEN THEY STOP. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. JOEL SMILES. PETER SMILES. THE CHORUS FINALLY LOOKS UP FROM HIS MAGAZINE, MOUTHS ‘OH, SHIT”, THROWS THE MAGAZINE OFFSTAGE AND RUSHES DOWNSTAGE.

CHORUS
And so it begins. Every moment together but a captured instance in time. At first stolen looks, a furtive glance, the briefest touch. Then comes the clandestine embrace, the passionately deep tongue lashings and sweaty grinding of youthful bursting loins full of vitality, longing and passion-filled lust between young men…that would certainly get us all done if it was found on our computer because my friend Barry...[BEAT] All that is repressed as man ages onward towards the grave yet in its first bloom so full of fire that few can keep from succumbing to its temptation and none can stand in its path. But as in all journeys of the heart, true love finds a way.

JOEL
You want a root?

PETER
Uh…yeah. Okay.

JOEL
Cool.

CHORUS
I guess things were a lot more complicated in my day.

THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE BOYS AND CHORUS.
 

SCENE FIVE

BROTHER ROBERT ENTERS IN FULL P.E. GEAR

BROTHER ROBERT
Okay, shut up and sit down. Now I gotta tell you that was pretty pathetic out there today. You know, we go over and over the game plans again and again but the minute you boys get out there it's like you've never even met let alone had the pre game chat. What's that, Williams? No, no, you can all get changed now. Just try and pay attention. Now I know a few of you have parents out there today and I'm sure you wanna impress mummy and daddy...or in Mr Prescott's case, his mummy and mummy...give em my number ay, Calvin. I'll sort 'em out...So the last thing you wanna do is let them down. But don't you see boys...netball is like life. It's all about hands on balls. And you can bet someone's gonna kick em when you're not looking. It's all about surprise. Look at me. My life's full of surprises. It sure was a surprise to me to know I was going to be here teaching you young scallywags. Especially after those complaints from the police and those do-gooders with their stupid web site. I thought my life was over. And you know, to a point it was. Well, in Queensland politics it is completely. But that's the good thing about the Catholic Church. Just when you think your life is utter pig crap, along comes the Catholic teaching profession to offer steady employment. Because the Church is full of forgiveness and thank Christ it is. Unlike the spectators out there. Williams, you can wait till I've finished. I don't care if you're cold. You can stand there for few more minutes lad. The showers will still be there. And don't worry...you haven't got anything we haven't seen before. You're no different to anyone else, lad [DOUBLE TAKE] Then again...So where was I? I...uh...right, ball skins...er, skills. Now what you boys were doing out there was pretty bland. No co-ordination. Lousy head jobs...play and coming at it from all angles without the least bit of foreplay...thought. Hanging around like big dangly things when what you should have been was big throbbing virgin killers, hard at it and giving it to them right down their Scots College throats. Now I'm not a vulgar man but I tell you, I better be seeing a little more action out there in the next quarter or one by one I'm gonna have all of you over the carpets and giving it to you big time. Williams, come into my orifice. Now. Oh, Jesus.

HE EXITS.

BLACKOUT
 
 
 

SCENE SIX

A BED SITS CENTRE STAGE WITH THE BASE FACING SLOPED DOWSTAGE. PETER LIES IN IT. JOEL IS IN A SLEEPING BAG AT THE FOOT OF THE BED. JOEL HAS HIS EYES CLOSED. PETER IS WIDE WAKE. HE IS LOOKING AT JOEL. JOEL FEELS EYES UPON HIM. HE OPENS THEM. PETER SHUTS HIS. JOEL LOOKS AT HIM THEN TRIES TO GO BACK TO SLEEP. PETER OPENS HIS EYES AGAIN AND STARES AT JOEL. PETER MAKES SOME NOISES. AFTER A WHILE PETER MAKES A VERY LOUD HACKING COUGH.

JOEL
Christ, you can make a racket.

PETER
Sorry. Did I wake you?

JOEL
Yes.

PETER
Sorry.

JOEL
That’s okay.

PAUSE

PETER
It was pretty good your parents letting you stay over.

JOEL
Yep.

PETER
You comfortable down there?

JOEL
No probs.

PETER
That was a pretty good movie.

JOEL
Uh-huh.

PETER
I loved it when Baron Blood’s hand came up through the dirt all bony and rotting. It was real gross.

JOEL
Sure was.

PETER
I thought I was gonna spew.

JOEL
Me too.

PAUSE

PETER
I love scary movies. Don’t you?

JOEL
Yep.

PETER
You know, you could sleep in this bed. It might be more comfortable. That carpet can get quite itchy.

JOEL
It’s okay.

PETER
Of course.

PAUSE

PETER
[SITTING BOLT UPRIGHT] Dust mites!

JOEL
Dust mites?

PETER
I read this thing about dust mites that live in carpets and things and if you breathe them in they can rot your brain out.

JOEL
I’ll try not to breathe them in. I’ll be okay.

PETER
As long as you’re sure because like I said this bed’s big enough.

JOEL
Thanks.

PAUSE

PETER
Are you very sleepy?

JOEL
A bit.

PETER
Oh. That’s good. Me too.

PAUSE

Sleepy, that is. Very sleepy.

AFTER A LONG PAUSE PETER YAWNS AGAIN. JOEL SIGHS, GETS UPS AND GETS INTO BED NEXT TO PETER.

PETER
Yeah, that floor can get pretty hard.

THEY ARE LYING NEXT TO EACH OTHER WITH THEIR HANDS ABOVE THE COVERS. PETER LOOKS QUICKLY AT JOEL THEN STRAIGHT AHEAD. JOEL LOOKS AT PETER VERY QUICKLY AS WELL THEN BACK STRAIGHT AHEAD. AFTER A LONG PAUSE…

PETER
Yeah…floors can get very hard in this place.

JOEL TURNS AWAY FROM HIM. PETER IS NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. HE TURNS AWAY THEN FEELS SELF CONSCIOUS SO HE TURNS BACK TO HIS ORIGINAL POSITION. HE BECOMES WORRIED THEN LIFTS THE COVERS A BIT AND LOOKS DOWN. HE IS STARTING TO GET A HARD ON. HE CRINGES, MOUTHS “OH, FUCK” AND BITES HIS LIP. BY MISTAKE HE THEN TURNS TO FACE THE BACK OF JOEL’S HEAD. JOEL’S EYES ARE WIDE OPEN AS HE FEELS PETER’S HARD-ON AGAINST HIM. PETER IS TOO SCARED TO MOVE TOO OBVIOUSLY SO HE TRIES TO SLOWLY TURN BACK. JOEL TURNS OVER SO THEY ARE FACE TO FACE. PETER STARTS FAKE SNORING. JOEL CLOSES HIS EYES. PETER OPENS ONE EYE THEN SHUTS IT. PETER SLOWLY TURNS OVER, STILL SNORING, TO FACE AWAY FROM JOEL. JOEL MOVES AGAINST HIM. PETER SNORTS LOUDLY AS HE FEELS JOEL’S HARD-ON IN HIS BACK. PETERS EYES ARE WIDE OPEN AND HIS SNORING RHYTHM INCREASING AS HE NOTICES JOELS HAND MOVING UP HIS LEG, ON TO HIS THIGH AND THEN HIP THEN AROUND TO HIS GROIN. JOEL TURNS PETER AROUND BUT PETER IS DETERMINED TO KEEP HIS EYES CLOSED. HE IS STILL PRETENDING TO SNORE. JOEL LOOKS AT HIM CONFUSED. JOEL SLOWLY SINKS DOWN BENEATH THE COVERS AND STARTS TO GO DOWN ON HIM. PETERS EYES ARE WIDE OPEN NOW AS JOEL GOES ABOUT HIS WORK. PETER STUFFS HIS FIST IN HIS MOUTH, BITES DOWN ON HIS PILLOW THEN FINALLY REACHES FOR HIS ASTHMA SPRAY AS HE IS BROUGHT TO CLIMAX UNDER THE COVERS VERY QUICKLY.  THE ASTHMA SPRAY GOES FLYING. JOEL COMES BACK UP, WIPING HIS MOUTH AS PETER CLOSES HIS EYES AND PRETENDS TO SNORE. JOEL IS STARING AT HIM UNTIL PETER OPENS HIS EYES, STILL SNORING. JOEL SMILES AND THEN SO DOES PETER. JOEL LOOKS DOWN UNDER THE COVERS. PETER LOOKS AS WELL. JOEL LOOKS AT PETER. PETER FINALLY REALISES THAT HE SHOULD RECIPROCATE. HE SLOWLY SINKS DOWN UNDER THE COVERS AS THE “BLUE DANUBE WALTZ” CAN BE HEARD. PETER STARTS TO COUGH AND SPLUTTER UNDER THE COVERS, JOEL WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE AS THE LIGHTS START TO FADE TO BLACK.
 
 
 

SCENE SEVEN

LIGHTS COME UP ON SISTER MARY. SHE DRINKS OCCASSIONALLY FROM A HIP FLASK AND GETS PROGRESSIVELY MORE DRUNK AS THE SPEECH WEARS ON.

SISTER MARY
Right…sex education. Thank you boys. Settle down. I’m fighting off a dreadful head cold so you’ll excuse me if I have to imbibe of cough syrup throughout today’s lesson. Now, I know Brother Robert is supposed to be taking this class but he’s had to visit some special clinic today so I’ve been asked to step into the breach, as it were. Now you’re probably asking yourself what a nun knows about sex. What would some penguin know about pleasures of the flesh? Well, for starters we don’t consider sex as a pleasure of the flesh. No, no, no. Not in my Melways. No. Sex is…well sex is like a flower. At first a seed, not much to look at but get it a little wet; give it some attention and bang, before you know it you’re seeing some action. Now, I know that at your age you think you know it all. Well, I’ve got news for you…you know diddley. Running around in a pair of tight Speedos doesn’t make you an authority on anything. Not by a long shot. Your bodies are going through some phenonemal [sic] changes. Most of them pretty disgusting. Hair growing in places you couldn’t possibly imagine, your voice hitting notes that make dogs bark, spots that deserve their own post code and bits and pieces getting wobbly all over the place. This is perfectly natural…for most of you. And you think you‘re so hot. Well, you ain’t…alone, that is. Most people go through it. You’re nothing special…believe me. And thinking about sex…all the time. I know. I’ve been there. You’re young. You’re curious. You want to know if anyone’s feeling the same way. You’re looking at people in strange ways and they’re looking at you even stranger. You’re starting to have lustful thoughts about anything and everything. Nothing’s safe…people, livestock, the family pet and the Electrolux vacuum cleaner with all its attachments. I know what you’re thinking. How do I stop this? How do I resist all the temptations that are out there when it seems so much easier to become passion’s plaything? To succumb to evil thoughts and deeds. To disgraceful and lustful behaviour? To the very Devil’s playground in your pantaloons! And you’re asking yourself…why me? What did I do to bring this to its heart-pounding climax? Who has splashed it right in the eye of my lovely innocence and doesn’t bother to call me the next day? Well it’s Satan. That’s right, boys. Beelzebub himself. Oh sure, he may look cute and drive a Monaro with flames down the side and a passenger seat that lies flat but it’s still that mongrel Satan. And he’s curb crawling with intent. He may woo you, hold you and thrust himself upon your nubile, well-toned young bodies but don’t believe it. He’s a bastard. Full of treachery and erotic untruths, that do nothing but confuse your randy little minds. You might think its love. It might even smell and taste like it. But don’t be fooled. Because it’s not! Far from it. Love belongs to God. Satan can only give us lust. [PAUSE] In short, don’t play with yourself because God is watching…and apparently so is one of the caretakers. In finishing let me just say that sex is like a sandwich. It’s all in the filling and the minute you chow down, the juice gets all over your blouse. You know, it reminds me of something my grandfather said. It's a motto that's helped me though thick and thin. It's an old Irish proverb and I shall never forget it...[PAUSE]

SHE HAS FORGOTTEN. THE LIGHTS FADE.
 
 
 

SCENE EIGHT

THE BOYS STAND CENTRE STAGE WITH THEIR SCHOOL BAGS OVER THEIR SHOULDERS. THEY ARE YELLING OFFSTAGE.

JOEL
See you later Matho, you wanker! Don’t forget the five bucks you owe me, you bastard. Maybe you can get it off your mum when she turns her next trick! See you Gibbo. Give one to ya’ sister for me, ya’ dildo!  [PAUSE] Yeah…get fucked y’self, you toad.

PETER
See ya, guys. Matho, make sure you bring that CD tomorrow. My brother wants it back. See ya!

THEY LOOK OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. JOEL LOOKS AT PETER.

JOEL
See ya.

PETER
Yeah.

JOEL EXITS. PETER STANDS STILL FOR A MOMENT. HE PUTS DOWN HIS BAG AND TAKES OUT HIS ASTHMA SPRAY AND PUFFS THEN A STICK OF CHEWING GUM. A FEW MOMENTS LATER JOEL RETURNS. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

PETER
They’ve gone.

JOEL
I’m gonna go home.

PETER
You’re not coming back to my place?

JOEL
Nah.

PETER
How come?

JOEL
What for?

PETER
You know what for.

JOEL
I don’t feel like it.

PETER
Since when?

JOEL
Since…just now. Since…a while.

PETER
But we always…

JOEL
We don’t have to do it every day, do we?

PETER
God. Don’t make it sound like it’s such hard work.

JOEL
Well…sometimes it is.

PETER
Funny. I thought you were working up a sweat for some other reason.

JOEL
It’s always the same thing every day. As soon as the others disappear I have to double back to your place and we’ve got exactly 35 minutes before your father gets home from work. I’m gonna shit myself if he ever arrives early.

PETER
He won’t.

JOEL
I think we should cut back.

PETER
Cut back? Cut back on what? This isn’t like smoking. Although I guess it’s still sucking on a fag.

JOEL
I’m not a fag.

PETER
I never said you were. It was a joke, Joyce.

JOEL
And don’t call me that.

PETER
What?

JOEL
That name. Joyce. I’m not a girl.

PETER
Can I get the DNA results first?

JOEL
Shut up, dickhead.

PETER
Sorry. Like I said…I was joking!

JOEL
You make too many jokes.

PETER
What are you afraid of?

JOEL
I’m not afraid of nothing.

PETER
That’s a double negative.

JOEL
Thanks Miss. I know what it is.

PETER
So?

JOEL
So…I just don’t think we should do it anymore.

PETER
Ever?

JOEL
Well, maybe not ever but not so much. I mean it’s alright for you. You’re…

PETER
I’m what.

JOEL
You’re…that way.

PETER
What way?

JOEL
I’m not. I like girls as well.

PETER
What? You’ve never even been with a girl!

JOEL
Yes I have.

PETER
Fingering Donna Saunders in the back row of the Planetarium excursion doesn’t make you a hetero spokes-model, you know.

JOEL
So? It wasn’t just her.

PETER
Really? Just how many people were in that back row? You’re gonna get RSI.

JOEL
I wanna have kids.

PETER
Right now? Well, don’t let me stop you. You want me to put down some newspaper?

JOEL
No, I mean in the future.

PETER
So who’s stopping you?

JOEL
I just think that if we keep doing this sort of stuff…

PETER
This sort of stuff? You’re such a drip.

JOEL
…then I’ll never get a girl.

PETER
Who cares?

JOEL
I care!

PETER
Have you ever even kissed a girl?

JOEL
Of course. Hundreds of times.

PETER
Besides your sisters.

JOEL
A couple.

PETER
You’re full of shit.

JOEL
No, I’m not.

PETER
Okay. Well, I know one way we can sort this out. Kiss me.

JOEL
Are you fucking crazy? Not out here.

PETER
Why not? You kiss me all the time when we have sex.

JOEL
That’s different. That’s indoors. It’ll feel weird.

PETER
You suck my dick like its no one’s business but kissing me feels weird?

JOEL
You don’t have to put it like that.

PETER
I want you to kiss me.

JOEL
I can’t. You’re a guy.

PETER
Thanks for the update. That must be why my drawers are full of y-fronts.

JOEL
I’ll feel funny.

PETER
Then tell a fucking joke if you like! But kiss me anyway.

JOEL
What about other people?

PETER
You can kiss them after!

JOEL
Someone could be watching.

PETER
Who cares?!

JOEL
I care. You’re a whole suburb away. I live around here. Someone might see and tell my parents.

PETER
So tell ‘em I was bitten on the face by a snake and you were just sucking the poison out. Or better yet, tell ‘em I was bitten on the dick and really give the window twitchers something to berko over.

JOEL
Maybe I’m not the kissing type?

PETER
You weren’t the “sucking dick” type either when we first met but you’ve really gotten the hang of it now. You could join a league.

JOEL
Don’t keep saying that.

PETER
What?

JOEL
Sucking dick.

PETER
I don’t want to say anything. I’d rather be doing it.

JOEL
We’re not boyfriends you know.

PETER
[TAKEN ABACK] I know.

JOEL
You go on like we are.

PETER
I thought you cared for me.

JOEL
I do…I suppose. In my own way.

PETER
You sound very sure. You wanna get a second opinion?

JOEL
You know what I mean.

PETER
No I don’t. I don’t know what you mean. You haven’t told me. You haven’t told me shit. I’m not a mind reader. You’re the one who started this. We’ve been doing this for six months. I’m failing every course because of you. It’s alright for you…your grades are always shit. Whose gonna notice? But I care about what happens to me. After I leave this dump I want something to show for it.

JOEL
What?

PETER
I’ll use smaller words if it makes it any easier for you.

JOEL
Why are you being such a prick?

PETER
I’m not.

JOEL
Yes, you are

PETER
I’d just like to think that whatever happens I’m gonna look back on this and maybe see I wasn’t wasting my time with you.

JOEL
You talk too much.

PETER
Of course I do. That’s because you don’t talk at all. One of us has to work overtime.

JOEL
Oh for god’s sakes.

HE LEANS OVER AND KISSES HIM.

JOEL
Happy?

PETER
Yep.

VOICES OFF
Poofters!!

JOEL GLARES AT PETER
 

BLACKOUT
 
 
 

SCENE NINE

THE CHORUS ENTERS.

CHORUS
And so it goes. The things we’re use to sometimes become the only routine we know and if it’s taken away then it gets all...thingy...difficult, I don’t know. I’m not the writer. That we sometimes confuse sex with love is one of man’s most common frailties. Believe me, I know. I spent years doing fieldwork. Even woken up in a few and let me tell ya, it’s always a bugger. You start something from scratch and it’s the best thing since sliced bread. It’s all so hot at first. All that secret, sweaty passion. Especially during the little sleepovers that your parents think are so innocent. "Oh, they’re just good mates. That’s why they’re always together these days." So while mum and dad are in the next room sitting up in bed watching Steve McQueen getting down and deep in The Sand Pebbles, next door you’re down deep and flossing with someone’s foreskin, wiping the sweat and whatever else off your forehead. And it’s so wonderful. You can’t keep your hands off each other. It’s better than anything else in the world. Better than cracker night when you use to be able to let off a tuppeny bunger in your hand trying to impress your little brother who thought you were so cool. Better than the two-wheel dragster pushbike you whinged long enough for but would dump in a laneway so fast for the promise of a 5 second blowjob from him. And believe me at that age that’s all it takes because you’re already just about there at any given moment anyway just by being with him. Quick little gropes when no one else is looking, little smiles across the room that only you two notice. The new funny things you find in common that make you laugh. Your private little jokes. Especially in biology class when you’ve already been there, done that. At first you only have eyes for each other. But because sex is so new and you’re thinking about it all the time you also start thinking about having it with everyone else. That school captain you always thought was a bit of a jerk is suddenly some humpy number you’d really like to blow or even better, have them blow you. Your English teacher now has a great arse you’d like to chew out and make him squirm and shoot buckets and you know he’d love it too even if he does have a wife who picks him up after school. She probably wouldn’t even mind. You’re certain of that. Then it looks like the whole world is a sexual smorgasbord, yours for the taking. [PAUSE AS HE STARTS TO WALK AWAY, STOPS AND TURNS TO THE AUDIENCE] And you're taking it anyway you can get it.

BLACKOUT
 
 
 

SCENE TEN

PETER STANDS CENTRE AS JOEL ENTERS FOLLOWED BY DONNA. SHE IS SUCKING ON A CHUPPA-CHUP AND GIGGLES CONSTANTLY.

PETER
What are you doing?

JOEL
What do you mean?

PETER
You were supposed to meet me here half an hour ago.

JOEL
Shit. I forgot.

PETER
You forgot?

JOEL
Uh-huh.

DONNA
Hi Peter.

PETER
Hi Donna. [SHE GIGGLES] Christ.

JOEL
C'mon Donna.

PETER
Wait a minute. Where are you going?

JOEL
To the movies.

PETER
That's what we were supposed to do! 30 minutes ago.

JOEL
So? You can come with us if you want.

PETER
If I want? You were supposed to go with me.

JOEL
What does it matter? Do you want to see the movie or don't ya'?

PETER
Of course I wanted to see it but I wanted to see it with you. Otherwise I could've seen it myself 3O minutes ago when we were supposed to!

JOEL
It's just a fucking movie! Shit!

PETER
It's not just a fucking movie!

DONNA
Joel...I'm just gonna wait inside. I'm hungry.

SHE GIGGLES AND EXITS.

PETER
Yeah, you do that, Donna. Make sure you stay in the back row, you stupid fucking fat….

JOEL
What do you think you're doing?

PETER
I don't know. Maybe I'm wasting my time. You tell me.

JOEL
Listen Peter...I can't see you anymore.

PETER
And this is the best place to tell me? Outside a movie house with some slag in tow?

JOEL
Don't call her that! She's not a slag.

PETER
Isn't she? What is she then? Your girlfriend?

JOEL
[MUMBLING] Yes.

PETER
[SHOCKED] What?

JOEL
I said yes.

PETER STARTS TO WALK AWAY

Peter...I'm sorry.

PETER STOPS

That's not how I wanted this to happen. I wanted to tell you before. I can't help the way I feel. I just don't feel the same way as you. I like you a lot, Peter.

PETER
Do you love her?

JOEL
What?

PETER
It’s a simple question. Even for you. Do you love her?

JOEL
I don't know. With her, it's different. I needed to make a choice.

PETER
So you choose someone you don't know how you feel about over how you felt about me?

JOEL
I…

PETER
Don't say anything. That's just fucking perfect. Thanks for letting me waste my time with you. Thanks for leading me on. Thanks for nothing!

JOEL
It wasn't nothing.

PETER
{SCREAMING AT HIM] I don't care! I can say what I want. I'm the one getting dumped, remember? I'm the one getting fucked over. I can be as angry as I want. Well, don't let me stop you. Go to her. Go and do whatever and whoever you want, you stupid fucking straight cunt!

JOEL
Peter...

PETER
[PUSHING HIM AWAY] Shut up! Just shut up and leave me alone!

JOEL EXITS. PETER SINKS TO THE GROUND CRYING. HE LOOKS UP AROUND HIM.

[SCREAMING] What the fuck are you looking at?!!

BLACKOUT
 
 
 

SCENE ELEVEN

SOFT MUSIC IS HEARD AS SPOTLIGHTS COME UP ON PETER, JOEL AND THE CHORUS. PETER IS ON HIS KNEES, FACING THE AUDIENCE AND STROKING A RAZOR BLADE UP AND DOWN HIS WRIST. THE CHORUS WATCHES HIM CLOSELY. JOEL STARES AHEAD

PETER
[TO AUDIENCE] Don’t worry. I don’t kill myself. It’s all just for dramatic effect

CHORUS
[ECHOING] Dramatic effect.

PETER
It’s the little things you notice.

JOEL
His smile.

PETER
He has a beautiful…

JOEL
The way his hair hangs over his brow.

PETER
He has beautiful hair. I love to run my hands through it when he goes down on me. That’s the biggest thrill.

JOEL
I love going down on him.

PETER
But he’s not gay.

JOEL
But I’m not gay. I love to lick him all over.

PETER
But he’s not gay. He loves it when I come in his mouth. He squirms and groans.

JOEL
But I’m not gay. I tell him I love him.

PETER
But he’s not gay. I feel dead. Of course I’m not dead. I’m not going to kill myself. That would be silly…but like I said…it’s all for dramatic effect.

CHORUS
[ECHOING] Dramatic effect.

JOEL
Peter, I can’t see you anymore.

PETER
Funny…I can see you fine.

JOEL
You want too much.

PETER
No! I just want enough. The trouble is I can’t be sure if it’s him I’m in love with or his dick.

JOEL
You don’t love me.

PETER
I think I do.

JOEL
I don’t want you to love me.

PETER
No?

JOEL
Not that way.

PETER
What other way is there? You better tell me. You see…I’m so used to being with you that you belong to me. I want to believe its love.

JOEL MOVES TO PETER AND STROKES HIS HAIR. PETER STARTS TO CRY.

PETER
I think of him all the time. I think of him lying next to me with the bedroom door locked so my parents don’t walk in. I have to stifle his groans sometimes with my mouth when I’m inside him. I’m so happy when I’m with him and so empty when I’m not. It’s feels like love.

HE HOLDS THE RAZOR TO HIS WRIST STEADY.

JOEL
I’m standing in the playground, wondering why he hasn’t come to school. Then someone tells me that they heard an ambulance came to his place last night and took him to hospital. He’s cut his wrists open…

PETER
It feels like love.

JOEL
He cut his wrists open and they took him to hospital!

PETER
It felt like I’d just tapped one of them then whoosh…the blood is flying across the walls. I drop the razor and fall back on the bed. I kept thinking I better find the razor or someone will step on it and hurt themselves.

JOEL
I won’t go and see him. It’s the last week of school anyway. I won’t go.

PETER
Why doesn’t he see me? Why doesn’t he stay with me? Why doesn’t he love me? It’s not that hard to do.

HE LOOKS AT HIS WRIST AGAIN.

PETER
As I said…it’s all for dramatic effect.

CHORUS
[ECHOING] Dramatic...effect.

AS THE LIGHTS FADE JOEL STARTS TO CRY. TORI AMOS CAN BE HEARD SINGING ‘1000 OCEANS’.
 

END ACT ONE
 

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

THE LIGHTS COME UP ON A MEN’S SEX CLUB WITH THREE DOORS TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. THE DOOR FURTHEST UPSTAGE HAS A SIGN SAYING “STAFF ONLY” ON IT. THE CHORUS ENTERS. HIS ROBE IS SLIGHTLY MORE ORNATE THAN LAST TIME.

CHORUS
Ten years have passed. Many suns have sweated the brow of our young prince…Oh I can’t keep this up. Look, he’s gotten on a bit. He’s had a few relationships, been fucked over by a few people, there’s a few more lines on his face. Okay? That’s all you need to know for the moment. Anything else…well, you can read your program. I need a drink.

THE CLEANER COMES OUT OF THE CLEANING ROOM SINGING ‘SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY’, CARRYING A BUCKET, A BOTTLE OF AMONIA AND TONGS. HE IS WEARING RUBBER GLOVES. HE SNORTS THE AMONIA BOTTLE, GIGGLES THEN APPROACHES ONE CUBICLE, LOOKS IN, CRINGES IN DISGUST, THEN NOTICES SOMETHING WITHIN THE DOOR WAY. HE PICKS UP A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR WITH THE TONGS, LOOKS AROUND, SLOWLY SNIFFS THEM THEN DROPS THEM INTO HIS BUCKET. HE APPROACHES THE FRONT CUBICLE AND LISTENS AGAINST THE DOOR. AFTER A MOMENT EAVESDROPPING A LOOK OF HORROR COMES OVER HIM AS HE BANGS THE DOOR WITH HIS TONGS. HE EXITS AS PETER ENTERS. HE IS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. HE STANDS NEAR THE DOOR DOWNSTAGE AS IF WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME OUT. FINALLY HARRY EMERGES, ADJUSTING HIS CLOTHING AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY UNTIL HE STOPS WHN HE REALISES PETER IS WATCHING HIM.

PETER
I’m not talking to you

HARRY
Look, I’m sorry.

PETER
Sorry doesn’t cut it, shithead!

HARRY
Watch your language, butt-breath. I’m not your mother.

PETER
I know. Your tits are bigger. You’re unconscionable…

HARRY
Uh-huh.

PETER
Devious, deceitful, treacherous and contemptible.

HARRY
You sound like you’ve got a thesaurus stuck up your arse?

PETER
How could you? You knew perfectly well I’ve been chasing that guy for weeks. Then you come along with your cheesy work-experience coif and your buffed-up trotters and steal him out from under my very nose.

HARRY
I was nowhere near your arse! Besides, you would have been wasting your time. He’s completely out of your league.

PETER
Well, that’s made me feel better. Thanks a bunch.

HARRY
I said I was sorry. What do you want? Blood?

PETER
Don’t tempt me, pig tits!

HARRY
Yes, thank you. As I have said countless times…all’s fair in love and whoring.

PETER
Save your puns for those idiots that come and see your plays.

HARRY
My, we are bitter, aren’t we?

PETER
You were with him for 40mins! What the hell were you doing in there? Your average is about three minutes. Maybe four with drugs.

HARRY
What can I say? It was love.

PETER
One more smart arse line and they’ll be scraping that cheap Mary Kay cosmetic stain of yours off the footpath.

HARRY
Don’t threaten me, bugger-lugs. Who told you I was with him anyway?

PETER
Steve at the desk. She tells me everything.

HARRY
Ah. She’s a true Christian.

PETER
Ain’t she?

HARRY
I’d like to nail her up.

PETER
Steal one more of my potential new ex-boyfriends and that’s all you’ll be able to nail. Get my drift?

HARRY
I can smell it from here. [PAUSE] So what are you doing now?

PETER
You mean now that my life is over?

HARRY
Yes.

PETER
Well, I might go home. I can’t see the point of hanging around here?

HARRY
Well, you could stay and keep me company.

PETER
Yes, that’s just what I want to do. [LONG PAUSE] So, are you gonna tell me?

HARRY
Mm-mm?

PETER
How was it?

HARRY
You want the truth?

PETER
No, please lie to me. That way I’ll know whom I’m talking to.

HARRY
[JACK NICHOLSON] You can’t handle the truth!

PETER
Once more you’re a riot.

HARRY
It was okay.

PETER
That’s it? Okay?

HARRY
Well? What else is there?

PETER
Don’t try to be coy, you twit. We had an agreement, remember? We’re supposed to tell each other everything!

HARRY
Pig. [BEAT] Okay…well…his name’s Mark.

PETER
That’s a nice name. I’ve never had a Mark.

HARRY
But I’m sure you’ve left a few. Stretch and otherwise.

PETER
Funny.

HARRY
And he’s 23.

PETER
23? So it was on for young and old alike?

HARRY
Funny. [BEAT] Is that enough?

PETER
Nice try, twat breathe. Where’s the rest of it?

HARRY
Not much else to tell.

PETER
Stop holding out on me.

HARRY
I’m not.

PETER
Yes you are. At least give me the dirt for future reference. I mean, now that he’s been soiled I’m never gonna do it with him.

HARRY
Just because I’ve had him doesn’t mean you should give up on the idea.

PETER
Are you kidding? It’s not like sharing a hot dog. I can’t sleep with him now knowing you’ve played with the party package. Speaking of which…just how talented was he?

HARRY INDICATES A PENIS LENGTH.

That’s a lot of talent.

HARRY
Yes it was quite the full ensemble. [SOUTHERN ACCENT] Darned near took my breath away.

PETER
Well, you can always breathe through your nose for a change.

HARRY
I wanted to throw it over my shoulder and burp it.

PETER
Lovely.

HARRY
And buns so tight you couldn’t get a credit card between them.

PETER
Unlike some who can wedge an ATM up there.

HARRY
Oh, and he’s studying to be a doctor.

PETER
Do you have any rope?

HARRY
Why?

PETER
I’m gonna hang myself from the nearest light fitting.

HARRY
Well, anything to take up the slack on that wrinkled old turkey neck you got going there.

PETER
You know, it’s lines like that, that made me want to walk out halfway through your last play but I didn’t want to wake anyone up!

HARRY
That’s almost funny.

PETER
Oh, this is pathetic.

HARRY
What? Where are you going?

PETER
Out of here. I’m sick and tired of just waiting for someone half decent to turn up.

HARRY
Their toes? You might wanna think about possibly lowering your standards a bit.

PETER
I’m talking to you, aren’t I?

HARRY
No, that’s me lowering mine. Funny…

PETER
What?

HARRY
Well, every time we come here you whinge and bitch about there never being anyone and then waste the night watching 3rd rate movies and drinking crappy coffee. You forget…this is a sex club. Guys come here to have sex.

PETER
Oh, really? And I thought all that groaning and heavy breathing was an emphysema convention. I’m just saying that I want to meet someone. Fast.

HARRY
Most of the guys in here are fast. You wanna meet someone, pop upstairs, turn the lights on in the grope room and you’ll meet lots of smiley faces real quick. Before they hiss and run into a dark corner, that is.

PETER
Pass. You know I don’t go in there anymore.

HARRY
Oh, that’s right.

PETER
Not since that night when you and I...

HARRY
Please, you don’t have to remind me. I’m still looking for a support group.

PETER
Hey, it wasn’t my fault. I was just trying to get out of your way. You were working that darkroom like a 1920’s telephone operator. [MIMES A SWITCH OPERATOR THAT TURNS INTO GIVING BLOWJOBS] Just putting you through.

HARRY
How vivid.

PETER
Maybe I’m not like everyone else here.

HARRY
You can say that again.

PETER
You’d think it would’ve sunk in by now that these joints are a waste of time.

HARRY
Hey, don’t knock these places. They’re there to fill a need. There’s no time wasting. Everyone is here because they know what they want, how often they want it and at what angle. I mean, what’s the point of meeting some guy out there in the real world, going out for weeks, wining and dining them and then when it’s finally gets down to doing the nasty you find they’re only slightly less energetic than a coma victim? No…here you can find exactly what you’re after, God willing, and within minutes you can find out what a lousy lay they are and you’ve saved yourself months of blue balls and cab fares!

PETER
That’s lovely. You should put that speech on their brochure.

HARRY
I’m just amazed straights haven’t thought of doing it. I tell you, it’s a growth industry. Nothing changes. Everyone wants sex. So why not have a club?

PETER
Yes, it’s really just one step away from a knitting circle.

HARRY
Mm. Most of the queens here look like they’ve just come from a knitting circle. But every now and then, when the moon is right and the drugs are cheap, you sometimes get a little of what’s [POINTING AT THE CUBICLE] behind door number one.

PETER
But he’s a slut.

HARRY
Don’t knock sluts. Sluts are always popular. Ever known one that wasn’t?

PETER
Maybe I’m after something a little more permanent.

HARRY
And you come here looking for it? You know, I’m beginning to think those contacts you wear are just tinted and nothing else.

PETER
I keep ‘em coated in Vaseline so you can still look Doris Day pretty instead of the gorgon we know and avoid.

HARRY
Well, if you’re looking for a relationship in this dump your bloodhounds have completely lost the scent, petal. You ain’t gonna find it here.

PETER
I guess the trouble is I’m the last of a dying breed. [OVERLY DRAMATIC] One of those pretty, young, good-looking men who seem forever destined to walk the highways and bi-ways, the valleys and the peaks of this ever-circling blue orb alone. Relegated to the pile along with all the other sad eyed, love starved Dorian Grays of this world. Never to be happy. Never to know the love of just one man. Never to…

HARRY
Oh shut up, you twerp. With you it’s more like “one man at a time and…next!”

PETER
I just wanna meet someone that might have the potential to last longer than the initial orgasm. If not for all the days of my life then at least someone I can tolerate for a few weeks. Unfortunately, the minute I think I’ve found Mr Right his bloody wife comes home and spoils everything. I guess the trouble is I want movie love.

HARRY IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING

And no, I don’t mean porn movies. That’s not love.

HARRY
Well, some of them are kissing. And I love them.

PETER
I mean real movie love. Someone to sweep me off my feet like in Sense and Sensibility and carry me off on his horse. Someone to hold my face in his hands and kiss me deeply. A couple of Rhett Butlers going hard at it in Gone With The Wind. Scarlette can fuck off.

HARRY
Life ain’t the movies, kiddo. [LOOKS AT SOMEONE WALKING PAST AND CRINGES] Unless you’re talking Godzilla. Then I might agree with you

JOEL ENTERS. HARRY TURNS AND NOTICES HIM

Oh, my. Come to papa.

PETER
What?

HARRY
Over there. Is that good enough for you?

PETER
Where? Oh.

HARRY
Exactly.

PETER
LOOKING CLOSER] Oh…my…god.

HARRY
My sentiments as well.

PETER
It’s him.

HARRY
Don’t I know it.

PETER
No, I don’t mean that in a general “it’s him” way. I mean I know him.

HARRY
Oh, really?

PETER
Not like that…well, actually yes like that as well but…

HARRY
What are you babbling about?

PETER
Remember when I told you about my first guy?

HARRY
What? The one from high school?

PETER
Yep.

HARRY
You’re shitting me.

PETER
Not at all. I’m sure of it.

HARRY
Wasn’t he straight?

PETER
No…he turned straight.

HARRY LOOKS PUZZLED

HARRY
Sweetheart, you don’t turn straight. You either are or you’re not. Being straight isn’t a phase you go through, you know.

PETER
That’s gotta be news to a few lesbians.

HARRY
I’ve never heard you use language like that before.

PETER
What?

HARRY
Lesbians. Usually you only refer to them as those fucking….

PETER
…fucking dykes, I know.

HARRY
And another one of your prejudices bites the dust.

PETER
Harry, I don’t want you to take this in the wrong way but will you please shut the fuck up.

HARRY
Of course. Consider my “fuck up” shut.

PETER
What should I do? Should I go over there? Maybe he won’t remember me. I mean, Christ, it was over ten years ago and we didn’t exactly finish on a high note. He probably still thinks I’m an arsehole. Look at him. He’s still cute as ever. Maybe even cuter. I should go over. I mean, it would be rude not to. Especially if he’s seen me. Of course I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Maybe I shouldn’t. Should I? What should I do? [LOOKS AT HARRY] Why don’t you say something?

HARRY
I was waiting for you to draw breath. Has he even noticed you yet?

PETER
No.

HARRY
Then what are we having this conversation for?

PETER
Should I talk to him?

HARRY
Why not? What have you got to lose? Apart from your dignity, your self respect…nothing you haven’t lost many times over or given up gladly just for the sake of getting slam-dunked up the clacker. In other words…the usual Saturday night.

PETER
Pure poetry. You may go now.

HARRY
Where the hell am I going?

PETER
I don’t care. Just make yourself scarce. I’m gonna talk to him.

HARRY
So?

PETER
So…I can’t have you hanging around spoiling the atmos. One word from you and he’ll run screaming for the nearest exit.

HARRY
Like so many of your dates? Maybe I’ll just go back in here for a repeat performance with lover boy.

HE GOES TO THE FIRST CUBICLE DOOR AND KNOCKS AND POPS HIS HEAD IN.

VOICES OFF
I’m resting.

HARRY
Is that why you’ve put your feet up?

HARRY DOES A DOUBLE TAKE THEN CLOSES THE DOOR AND LOOKS AT PETER.

I gotta tell you that were definitely magic meat. Now it’s back to its natural state it’s like a frightened turtle. His pubic hair is longer.

PETER
Will you fuck off?

HARRY
Hurrying all the way.

HE KNOCKS ON THE SECOND DOOR. NO ANSWER.

This will do. If you want me you know where to find me.

HE OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS IN. HE SPEAKS IN A HIGH PITCHED MUNCHKIN-LIKE VOICE FROM THE MOVIE “POLTERGEIST.”

“This house is clean. Go towards the light, Carol-Anne. All are welcome. All are welcome.”

HE GOES IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR. PETER MOVES CLOSER TO JOEL. JOEL DOES NOT NOTICE HIM. PETER IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING BUT JOEL WALKS OVER TO THE CUBICLES. PETER FOLLOWS HIM AND STANDS NEXT TO HIM. JOEL LOOKS AT PETER AND SMILES. PETER SMILES BACK. JOEL FEELS PETER’S EYES UPON HIM AGAIN AND LOOKS AT HIM. PETER SMILES ALMOST MANIACLY. JOEL GETS A BIT WORRIED AND MOVES A FEW STEPS AWAY. PETER REALISES HE IS SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT. HE BANGS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE DOOR.

HARRY
[OFF] “Mother? Is that you? Mother you’ve been very, very bad.”

PETER BANGS THE DOOR HARD.

HARRY
[PIP SQUEAK VOICE] Sorry.

PETER SMILES AT JOEL.

PETER
Hi.

JOEL
Hi

PETER
You probably don’t remember me.

JOEL
Sorry?

PETER
I said you probably don’t remember me.

JOEL
Should I?

PETER
Maybe not.

JOEL
Shit. Peter?

PETER
Uh-huh.

JOEL
I don’t believe it.

PETER
I can show you my driver’s licence.

JOEL
No, I believe you…it’s just…it’s been a while.

PETER
Ten years.

JOEL
It must be. 10 years. Well, you look great. You haven’t changed much.

PETER
You think?

JOEL
No. Not really.

PETER
Maybe I put on a bit of weight.

JOEL
Oh yeah, you have.

PETER
Thanks a bunch.

JOEL
Oh, no. You look good.

PETER
Oh, thanks.

JOEL
Well…

PETER
Well…

JOEL
[NERVOUSLY] Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you.

JOEL EXITS QUICKLY. PETER IS DUMBFOUNDED. HARRY COMES OUT OF THE CUBICLE HOLDING A LARGE HAND DRILL AND STANDS NEXT TO HIM.

HARRY
Well, that was a meeting of the minds. Are you pregnant yet? You know with his good looks and your intellect your children could end up gorgeous idiots. Just the way I like ‘em.

PETER LOOKS AT THE DRILL HARRY IS HOLDING.

HARRY
I...uh…found this. Someone must have been doing some renovations.

PETER
He just walked off.

HARRY
[PLACING THE DRILL BACK IN THE CUBICLE] Men. They’re all alike.

PETER
I can’t believe it. He stills hates me.

HARRY
That’s a bit harsh. Until they get to know you, no one really hates you. Did he say he hated you?

PETER
Well, no. He didn’t have to. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

HARRY
Maybe he had something urgent to take care of.

PETER
In this place?

HARRY
An emergency blowjob or something. God knows I have been on the receiving end of a few.

PETER
Bugger.

HARRY
In this place that’s a possibility.

PETER
You know, he still looks exactly the same as he did in school.

HARRY
How nice for him. The fucker.

PETER
Yes. My sentiments exactly.

HARRY
Ooh, I’m sensing something. Could it be…yearning?

PETER
Don’t be ridiculous. I guess it just reminds of what it was like all those years ago.

HARRY
I thought you had a pretty shitty time all round when you were young?

PETER
Not all the time. Not with him.

HARRY
Oh, of course. You had a lot of sex with him, didn’t you?

PETER
Yes…but it wasn’t just that. It was everything. Nothing was that complicated. I really loved him, I think. I thought he loved me. Course he ran off with some fat slag and I never saw him again but it was still much better than…

HARRY
Than what?

PETER
Well…better than all this. This going out and having sex with lots of people and calling it love because you sometimes can’t tell the difference. One root and it’s a one-night stand. Then you make the stupid mistake of exchanging phone numbers and someone makes the first call. Five humps later with the same person and one of you is thinking it’s a relationship and then it gets bloody difficult to get rid of the bastard or vice versa.

HARRY
What have I told you?

PETER
What? [HARRY GLARES AT HIM] Oh… “Don’t get philosophical in a fuck bar.”

HARRY
You know what happens? You end up watching 101 Dalmatians in the movie room and miss out on the orgy. What are we here for?

PETER
“Blow jobs.”

HARRY
When do we want them?

PETER
Now.

HARRY
Correct-a-mundo. Now put on your pumps and let’s get trekking. Mr Right could be just around the corner or a reasonable facsimile of same with kneepads on.

PETER
Onward ho.

HARRY
Watch who you’re calling a ho.

THEY START TO EXIT. PETER LOOKS BACK TOWARDS THE DIRECTION OF JOEL.

BLACKOUT
 
 
 

SCENE TWO

THE GROPE ROOM. PULSING MUSIC AND PORN IS HEARD. THE STAGE IS VERY DARK AND ALL CHARACTERS ARE ONLY SEEN IN SILHOUETTE. TWO STRANGERS ENTER FROM OPPOSITE SIDES THEY MEET CENTRE. ONE TOUCHES THE OTHER’S CROTCH. HE BRUSHES IT AWAY. AND MOVES AWAY. PETER ENTERS. HE STANDS CENTRE FOR A MOMENT THEN MOVES INTO THE DARKNESS. HARRY ENTERS, UNDOING HIS BELT BUCKLE AND DROPPING HIS TROUSERS TO THE FLOOR AS HE ENTERS, STANDS CENTRE AND TAKES OUT HIS AMYL TO SNORT HEAVILY. OTHERS RUSH TOWARDS HIM HISSING WHEN THEY SMELL THE AMYL, THERE IS A TUSSLE, HARRY SCREAMS “GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU BITCHES” AND THE AMYL IS DROPPED. HARRY YELPS AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR. THE TWO OTHERS BACK AWAY HISSING. HARRY SCROUNGES AROUND ON THE FLOOR AS PETER BACKS OVER HIM, FALLS AND YELLS. HE GETS UP.

PETER
Fucking stupid queen!

HE WALKS AWAY. HARRY TAKES OUT A SMALL PEN FLASHLIGHT TO TRY AND FIND HIS AMYL. HE HAS NO LUCK.

HARRY
Bugger, bugger.

HE POINTS THE FLASHLIGHT INTO THE DIRECTION OF SOME OF THE OTHERS. THERE IS SOME HISSING. HARRY SHINES THE TORCH AT THEM

HARRY
Is that my boyfriend?

VOICES
No.

HARRY
Well, would you like to be?

HE AIMS THE FLASHLIGHT AT HIS OWN FACE

VOICES
No.

HARRY
Cunt.

HE TURNS THE FLASHLIGHT OFF AND STUMBLES INTO THE DARKNESS. JOEL ENTERS, VERY UNSURE OF HIMSELF. HE STANDS CENTRE. ONE OF THE BODIES MOVES TOWARDS HIM. HE STANDS NEXT TO JOEL AND TOUCHES HIM. JOEL TRIES TO SEE THE FACE OF HIS ASSAILANT.

JOEL
Hi, how’re you doing?

VOICESS
Sssh!!

JOEL
Boy, it sure is dark in here.

VOICESS
[LOUDER] Sssh!!!

THE STRANGER STARTS TO TAKE JOEL’S PANTS DOWN VERY QUICKLY AND DROPS TO HIS KNEES. JOEL PANICS, PULLS HIS PANTS UP AND STAGGERS OUT OF THE ROOM QUICKLY. PETERS RETURNS TO CENTRE. HE TREADS ON SOMETHING. HE REACHES DOWN AND PICKS UP HARRY’S BOTTLE OF AMYL.

PETER
What the fuck is this?

HE HOLDS UP THE BOTTLE. SUDDENLY HE IS SURROUNDED BY BODIES TRYING TO GRAB IT OFF HIM AND HAVE A SMELL.

PETER
Bloody hell!

THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK
 
 
 

SCENE THREE

PETER STANDS ALONE DRINKING COFFEE. HARRY ENTERS.

HARRY
So…did you find true love or what? Did you get to nail him again? Did you tell him you’re still pining for his fjords?

PETER
I didn't get the chance. I couldn’t find him. As for anyone else, I couldn’t get laid if I was carpet.

HARRY
Tufted shag? Maybe he’s in the darkroom getting his furrow ploughed.

PETER
I somehow doubt that’s his style.

HARRY
Amateur.

PETER
You should talk. Still going out with that married man?

HARRY
Don't make it sound so melodramatic. And no I'm not going out with that sleazy fucker.

PETER
Sorry to bring it up.

HARRY
Can you believe it? He was cheating on me!

PETER
With his wife?

HARRY
That I could forgive.

PETER
Really.

HARRY
The bastard had another little bit going on, on the side. With another woman!!!

PETER
The nerve.

HARRY
I know. He's got a wife who loves him, a boyfriend who bangs his arse silly until he's barking and he has the gall to go off behind my back.

PETER
So to speak.

HARRY
It's disgraceful. That's not being a slut. That's just greedy.

PETER
You poor thing. How you've suffered.

HARRY
Tell me. You know, it's the dishonesty I find most insulting. [LOOKS AT HIM] Oh and you can take that smug look off your face. The guilt trip does not apply here, missy. I was doing him before he married her!

PETER
If I was being picky I'd say you could've at least stopped having sex with him once the confetti had been thrown.

HARRY LOOKS A HIM

...Good root, huh?

HARRY
And local. That type doesn't come along ever day. But don't worry. Revenge will be mine.

PETER
Oh, is he gonna end up in your next play.

HARRY
The little scuzzbag won't know what’s hit him. I'm gonna invite them both to opening night and have a video trained on his face so I can replay the colour draining from him.

PETER
Well I hope it does better than your last few efforts.

HARRY
Is it my fault the public are so fickle?

PETER
You might want to rethink the titles for a start. If only for the advertising.

HARRY
I like to tap into current feeling. Die Muslim Die was a funny play.

PETER
Good thing the theatre had fire insurance.

HARRY
And I'm Too Young To Be A Rice Queen had some good moments in it.

PETER
You do know they were using a photo of you in the darts competition for weeks at the Star Hotel?

HARRY
I've had bitter before. I can handle it.

TOM, A GOOD LOOKING STUD, ENTERS, WALKS PAST THEM THEN EYES OFF HARRY BEFORE MOVING ON.

HARRY
And that!

PETER
I saw that.

HARRY
Good. I thought I was dreaming. What a honey.

PETER
He was okay. Definitely your type. Pre-pubescent with a perm.

HARRY
Funny how I seem to attract that type. They're all looking to complete their daddy complex.

PETER
Did you say daddy or granddaddy? You've got wrinkles on your arse older than some of them. So what are you waiting for? Go for it.

HARRY
Are you insane? I've only just hosed down the patio. I couldn't get it up with a splint.

PETER
Ever say things like that to me again and I won't be responsible for what flies out of my mouth, food wise.

HARRY
Can't be as disgusting as what goes in your mouth and we're not talking veggies. Well, in the food sense anyway.

PETER
Are you going after him or what?

HARRY
There's no hurry.

HE WAITS FOR A MOMENT.

HARRY
I'll be back in ten.

HE HURRIES OFF. PETER STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT. JOEL ENTERS.

PETER
Hi.

JOEL
Hi again.

PETER
You seem to be having a good time.

JOEL
Do I?

PETER
Well, aren't you?

JOEL
Not really. I just sat through One Hundred and One Dalmatians.

PETER
Yeah. Disney movies get me hot too.

JOEL
This place isn't what I was expecting.

PETER
What were you expecting?

JOEL
I don't know. Maybe something a little more exciting. This all seems a bit pedestrian.

PETER
That's the least you can say about this place. You've never been here before?

JOEL
This is my first time. You?

PETER
Oh, my first time as well. [ASIDE] First time this week, anyway.

JOEL
I'll bet you were surprised to see me in this place.

PETER
That's probably the understatement of the year.

JOEL
I've never done anything like this before.

PETER
Oh, me neither. You know, the last time I saw you 10 years ago I could've sworn you told me you were going straight.

JOEL
That was the plan.

PETER
Then I hate to tell you this but you're not gonna find many women here. Plenty of girls but no women.

JOEL LOOKS AT HIM.

JOEL
You still hate me, don't you?

PETER
Ah, so you do remember.

JOEL
Not too hard to do. The last thing you called me was a stupid straight cunt.

PETER
Yes well, I won't always be that classy. Believe me, coming from me these days that's a compliment. I usually only insult people I like. Can I ask you something?

JOEL
Sure.

PETER
Why are you here?

JOEL
I've got no idea.

PETER
Ah, so you're like the rest of us.

JOEL
I found this ad in the gay newspaper. MSR? NSU?

PETER
MCV, but it has the same effect.

JOEL
So I just decided to find out what it was all about.

PETER
You think coming here is what it's all about?

JOEL
No. I don't know.

PETER
I thought you went off and got married.

JOEL
I did. I am!

PETER
You am? You meeting your wife here or something? I gotta tell you that might draw a little attention.

JOEL
We broke up recently.

PETER
Oh?

JOEL
Yesterday.

PETER
Well, the grieving process can be quite hard. I'm glad you didn't waste any time.

JOEL
It’s been a long time coming.

PETER
What has? The not-gay thing?

JOEL
No! ... Well, yes ... no ... I mean, all of it.

PETER
What’s her name?

JOEL
Donna Saunders.

PETER
The planetarium slut?

JOEL
That was a long time ago. She's not like that anymore.

PETER
Well, one would hope not. Though you’d have to admire her tenacity. So, why did you break up? If that's not the most obvious question I could ask next to what the fuck are you doing here?

JOEL
I'd rather not talk about it.

PETER
Okay.

JOEL
I mean we’ve been married five years. I thought we'd be together for a while. I mean, I wasn't kidding myself. I knew it wasn't going to be forever. We both knew that. I guess that’s what happens when you marry young. You just get bored looking at each other. The novelty wears off real fast when you when you haven't done anything else with your life.

PETER
Look...fascinating as that all sounds and the way you paint it, it's like I'm there, that still doesn't explain what you're doing here.

JOEL
Oh...I've been wanting to come here for a while. I even stood outside the door a couple of times but I just couldn't go in.

PETER
Why not?

JOEL
I just couldn't work up the courage. Like I said ...I was married.

PETER
Well, you know, technically you still are. Aren't there a few things you still need to sort out?

JOEL
Not really. I mean we didn't have a house or kids or anything. We were just renting.

PETER
Renting kids. That's pretty sick.

JOEL
No. I mean the house.

PETER
I was joking.

JOEL
You haven't changed at all.

PETER
Ah, but you see...that's where you're wrong. I'm a lot prettier and a hell of a lot more bitter and twisted.

JOEL
I could tell.

PETER
Thanks.

JOEL
I meant the first part.

PETER
Oh? You think I'm pretty?

JOEL
You know what I mean.

PETER
Oh, so I'm not pretty?

JOEL
Smartarse.

PETER
Dumb-arse.

PAUSE

JOEL
You haven't forgotten.

PETER
Some things are bound to stick in my craw ...I mean…memory.

JOEL
You really haven’t changed. You’re still the same.

PETER
Sorry to disappoint you.

JOEL
I didn’t say I was disappointed. Well, I guess I should leave you alone.

PETER
Why?

JOEL
Well, I don't want to cramp your style.

PETER
Most of my friends will tell you I don't have any to cramp. You don't have to leave on my account.

JOEL
Oh. Okay. If you're sure?

PETER
Completely.

JOEL MOVES CLOSER TO PETER AND STEPS GENTLY ON HIS SHOE. PETER SMILES. THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE AS PETER LOOKS AROUND.

PETER
[YELLING OFFSTAGE] Pity there's nowhere to sit!

THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE AS THE CHORUS ENTERS CARRYING A BENCH WHICH HE DROPS CENTRE, GIVES PETER A SURLY LOOK, TAKES OUT SOME AMYL AND HAS A LARGE SNIFF. PETER AND JOEL SIT AS THE CHORUS IS ABOUT TO EXIT WHEN HARRY ENTERS, STOPS HIM

HARRY
Not on my watch, Beryl.

HARRY HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. RELUCTANTLY THE CHORUS PASSES OVER THE AMYL AND STAGGERS OFF. HARRY NOTICES THE OTHER TWO. HE SQUEEZES IN BETWEEN THEM THEN LOOKS AT PETER.

HARRY
[TO PETER IN A LIGHT LILTING VOICE] You'd tell me, wouldn't you? Are there cum stains on my blouse?

PETER GLARES AT HARRY

What? It's a legitimate question. I can't go back to the convent unless I'm sure. The other sisters will make comments during vespers.

HE TURNS AND GIVES A BIG CHEESY GRIN AT JOEL

PETER
Joel...this is Harry. Harry, this is Joel.

HARRY LOOKS AT PETER

HARRY
And you are?

PETER
Harry is one of my closest friends.

HARRY
[BUTCH] We shared a cell together but he's probably already told you that. And to tell the truth I am his only friend. All the others are imaginary...or inflatable.

JOEL
Nice to meet you.

JOEL EXTENDS HIS HAND TO SHAKE.

HARRY
Believe me...the pleasure's all yours.

HARRY SHAKES THE FINGERS LIMPLY

PETER
Joel, be sure you check your jewellery after she's gone.

HARRY
Suck?

JOEL
Sorry?

HARRY HOLDS OUT THE AMYL

JOEL
Oh, no thanks. I don’t.

HARRY
Me neither as a rule. This is purely medicinal.

PETER
Menstrual cramps. Such a bugger.

HARRY
So…Joel? Tell me…what brings a nice boy like yourself to a dump like this?

JOEL
I...uh…

HARRY
Aren't you the straight guy who used to suck his dick?

PETER
Thank you Harry. You may go now. I'm sure they miss you down at the petting zoo. [TO JOEL] Sometimes there aren't enough pigs to go round.

HARRY
My, some people are sensitive. Take no notice of him, Joel. He's so uptight he could freelance as a sphincter!

HARRY’S HAND IN ON JOEL’S LEG.

JOEL
Boy…this place sure is busy. So many people.

HARRY
They aren’t people. They’re gay men. Different species.

JOEL
If you say so. Is everyone here gay?

HARRY
Being a men’s sex club…chances are. It ain’t a church. Plenty on their knees but believe me, no one’s praying.

PETER
Though some of them should be.

JOEL
Don’t people come here for other things as well? Besides sex, I mean.

HARRY
Such as?

JOEL
Oh, I don’t know. To meet people. Companionship. Someone to talk to.

HARRY
[PAUSE AS HE LOOKS AT JOEL] You’re sweet. [BEAT] Fuck no. That’s what gay men have cats for. But hacking up fur balls takes on a whole different meaning in this place.

JOEL
I see.

PETER
You’re kidding.

JOEL
Well, not really.

HARRY IS STARING AT JOEL

PETER
Harry, don’t you have somewhere to go?

HARRY
[MIMICKING JOEL] No, not really.

PETER ELBOWS HIM IN THE SIDE AND GLARES AT HIM

HARRY
Oh, actually. Now that you mention it I need to go put a bullet in my head, apparently.

PETER
Lock and load, sweetheart. Don’t miss.

HARRY TAKES A SNORT OF AMYL

HARRY
Christ, I need to go dancing or something.

TOM WALKS PAST AGAIN AND LOOKS AT HARRY. HE EXITS.

HARRY
Ooh, come to me my melancholy baby.

HE GETS UP, WAVES TO PETER AND INDICATES A HEAD JOB, TURNS TO EXIT BUT CRASHES INTO THE DOOR.

HARRY
Oops. That’s gonna smear the lippy.

HE EXITS

PETER
You’ll have to excuse him. He's just visiting…Earth.

PETER LOOKS AWAY AS JOEL MOVES CLOSER UNTIL THEIR KNEES ARE TOUCHING.  JOEL’S KNEE IS SHAKING. THEY SIT THERE FOR A MOMENT. JOEL LOOKS AT PETER. PETER LOOKS BACK AT HIM.

JOEL
Are you okay?

PETER
Uh-huh. You?

JOEL
Sure.

PETER NOTICES JOELS TREMBLING KNEE

PETER
You seem very nervous.

JOEL
Do I? [HOLDING HIS KNEE STILL] I'm fine.

PETER
Look, I don't want to appear too forward and I'll understand if you wanna say no but would you like to...

JOEL
Go to a room? Sure. I'd love to.

PETER
I was gonna say get a coffee but that works too.

JOEL
Oh, sorry. I'm being a bit presumptuous.

PETER
Not at all.

JOEL
You're sure?

PETER
Uh-huh.

JOEL GETS UP

JOEL
Well, which is it? Coffee or the room?

PETER GETS UP AND HOLDS HIS HAND.

PETER
Well, I hate the coffee here but I'll make frothing and gurgling noises if it helps.

JOEL LEADS HIM TOWARDS ONE OF THE ROOMS.
 

BLACKOUT
 
 
 

SCENE FOUR

TOM ENTERS, LOOKING BEHIND HIM. HARRY RUSHES IN OUT OF BREATH THINKING HE HAS MISSED HIM UNTIL TOM COUGHS

HARRY
You know, you put up a bit of a chase. I need time to catch my breath. Got any amyl?

TOM
No. Sorry.

HARRY
Don't worry. I have.

TOM
Do you want to get a room?

HARRY
Hold your horses, sunshine. Let's not rush these things. Try to play hard to get for a bit. Then I might respect you a bit more.

TOM
I really wanna do it to you.

HARRY
"To me?” Oh you youngsters. You're all so shallow. You'll sleep with anything that comes along...that's good looking and hung like a wildebeest.

HE POSES. TOM LUNGES FOR HARRY AND STARTS TO NECK HIM.

Oh, sure, it's all just a big adventure for you. You think the world is your playground and you can have anyone you want. Well make the most of it kiddo because one day the offers just aren't going to be there.

TOM IS DRAGGING HIM TOWARDS A CUBICLE ROOM.

Sure you may think you're just gonna be another notch on my bed post and maybe you will be but that isn't the be all and end all, ya' young scamp.

TOM BACKS INTO ONE OF THE CUBICLES. HARRY LOOKS FROM OUTSIDE AS TOM UNZIPS HIS PANTS.

Holy fuck. Woof!

HARRY DROPS TO HIS KNEES AS THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS IS HEARD AND A BRIGHT LIGHTS EMINATES FROM THE CUBICLE. HE CRAWLS IN AS THE LIGHTS FADE
 
 
 

SCENE FIVE
 

THE LIGHTS COME UP ON A CUBICLE ROOM. THE TWO MEN ARE LYING NAKED ON A BED AS JOEL SLIDES HIS TONGUE UP PETER'S NAKED BELLY TO HIS NECK. HE NUZZLES AND LIES ON TOP OF HIM, KISSING HIM PASSIONATELY.

JOEL
Well, that was better than I remember it.

PETER
The feeling's mutual. You seemed to have picked up a few new moves since the last time if my memory serves me correctly.

JOEL
God, I hope so. That was 10 years ago. [KISSING HIM ON THE NECK]

PETER
I suppose I should congratulate you for getting in touch with your feminine side, if you know what I mean.

JOEL
Yes, well...I was younger then and no imagination.

PETER
Well, you sure made up for it. You've been taking lessons.

JOEL
[KISSING HIM ON THE NECK] You know, it’s amazing how hot you still get me.

HE GRINDS HIS GROIN INTO PETER’S.

PETER
Sweet talker.

JOEL
It's also amazing how you were able to find the one room in this whole joint that had towels in it.

PETER
Yes, what are the chances?

JOEL
I'm feeling a little sticky. I think I need to go and wash.

JOEL GOES TO SIT UP BUT PETER DRAGS HIM BACK ON TOP OF HIM

PETER
Really. What's the hurry? From what I remember, you used to like it sticky. Before and after.

JOEL
[KISSING HIM PASSIONATELY THEN SLIDING TO HIS NECK AGAIN] Mm.

PETER
It must be fate.

JOEL
What must be?

PETER
This. You and me. Finally meeting again like this. 10 years ago I would've said that there was no way I was going to ever see you again and I swore I wouldn't see you again no matter what.

JOEL
[JOEL STOPS FOR A MOMENT THEN GOES BACK TO NECKING HIM ] Let's not talk about that. It's boring.

PETER
Boring? Not at all. When you think about it, it's pretty incredible and even a little ironic that we should end up here together.

JOEL STOPS AGAIN

JOEL
Can we change the subject?

PETER
Change the subject? Are you crazy?

JOEL STOPS KISSING THEN SITS UP.

What are you doing?

HE SITS AT THE END OF THE BED PUTTING HIS SOCKS ON

JOEL
Getting dressed. I can't walk down the hallway with my dick hanging out.

PETER
In this place you could hang tinsel from your balls and sang an aria from Aida and you wouldn't get a second look.

JOEL
I'm feeling a little cold.

PETER
Come here lover and I'll warm you up.

HE TRIES TO DRAG HIM BACK BUT JOEL IS NOT RESPONSIVE

JOEL
That's okay.

PETER
You're not feeling guilty, are you? About what happened before?

JOEL
No, of course not.

PETER
Because that was ancient history.

HE WIPES HIMSELF DOWN THEN PUTS ON HIS TROUSERS

JOEL
I know that. I don't feel guilty about anything. Except maybe getting married and changing the game plan half way through but that has nothing to do with you.

PETER
I meant the slashing the wrists thing.

JOEL
God, no. I certainly don't feel guilty about that.

PETER
What?

JOEL
I mean you were the one who did it. Not me.

PETER
Well, maybe you should feel a little guilty.

JOEL
For what? I never told you to do that. I couldn't understand what made you do it in the first place.

PETER
You couldn't?

JOEL
No, not at all. At first I was shocked. I thought it might have been because of me and I couldn't visit you in case anyone put two and two together and I was a little scared. But after a while I just thought that it was a really selfish thing to do. I hated your guts for doing that to yourself. And to me. I mean, what were you trying to achieve? Did you think that would make me change my mind and come back to you?

PETER
I...

JOEL
Look, Peter, what we had going on at the time was okay but it wasn't like this amazing affair or anything. Not to me. Maybe you showed me a part of myself that at the time I was comfortable with.  It was just two boys with...

JOEL PUTTING HIS SHIRT ON

PETER
A crush?

JOEL
On each other, yeah. I don't remember too much about how I was feeling. Randy perhaps. [SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED HE WIPES DOWN PETER’S BELLY] Peter, I really liked you when we were at school. It wasn't just the sex, you know. That was great but I liked you as a friend first. It really felt natural to take it further when I got to know you. This may come as a bit of a shock but I was pretty much a virgin when I met you. Maybe I didn't come across like that but that's how it was. That first night was such a blast you can't blame me for wanting to repeat it every chance I got. I mean the alternatives were pretty slim if you remember and I was a horny teenager. I would've rooted a hole in a doughnut. Maybe a part of me did love you in some way but I was a kid so what the fuck did I know? [HE PUTS ON HIS SHOES] I never saw it as going anywhere but where it was at the time. It just was.

PETER
Oh.

JOEL
Look, you're not getting all thingy about something that happened years ago, are you? Because if you are then I think that's pretty sad.

PETER
No, of course I'm not.

JOEL
Mm. [GETTING UP] I better go.

PETER
You're not coming back, are you?

JOEL
[PAUSE] I don't think so. This night has become a lot more surreal than I was expecting.

PETER
I'm sorry I've scared you off.

JOEL
You haven't. Well, not much. You see...you can do this. It's just not me. I thought there would be something more.

PETER
The sex wasn't any good?

JOEL
The sex was great. It's always ever been great.

PETER
But?

HE SITS ON THE BED AGAIN

JOEL
But...sex isn't only thing I'm looking for. Maybe at first but after the sex there's got to be more to look forward to for the rest of your life than this.

PETER
What are you after?

JOEL
I don't know. All I know is it isn't this.

PETER
What are you going to do?

JOEL
I might go home.

PETER
To what? Your wife? To a dead marriage? You said that yourself.

JOEL
It's not that bad.

PETER
Then maybe in between my fucking you and everything I guess I maybe I misread how really happy in your marriage you are. What are you going to do? Stay with her and compromise all those little feelings you have for the rest of your life? Cram it all back in the box under your bed along with all your imaginary or hidden gay porn you use to jerk off with five minutes after she's out of the house and maybe forget that any of this ever happened? You're still young. Why not take some risks? Why do you want to throw away the chance to live a different life? To some kind of guaranteed passion. Don't you want to be happy?

JOEL
Of course. Doesn't everyone?

PETER
Then what are you doing with all this to-ing and fro-ing? Make a decision and go with it.

JOEL
Are you happy?

PETER
Of course I am. Couldn't be more ecstatic if I tried.

JOEL
You sure don't sound like it.

PETER
[PAUSE] Look, we're not talking about me here.

JOEL
I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling a little guilty.

PETER
Guilt is for suckers.

JOEL
You watch too many movies.

PETER
Well, what have you got to feel guilty about? Your wife knows you like men, doesn't she?

JOEL
Yep. She found out about a year ago. I can't tell you how hard it was building up the courage to tell her because...

PETER
Please. Don't feel the need to share. If there's one thing I hate more than a dick caught in a zipper it's the sad, painful story that is married men leaving their wives because they've decided to finally admit it when usually they were the last one to know. How brave it was to make that move and how understanding their wives are. Until he brings the first bit of trade home, that is. Believe me, the only ones interested in that story are the ones telling it. It should be mandatory teaching at school that the minute you have the minute-est sexual feeling for someone of the same sex you dump the girlfriend and suck some cock ASAP because that dark side pulling power is incredibly hard to resist and I haven't heard of one gay man ever going back to being straight no matter how much they delude themselves.

JOEL
What about all those bisexual rock stars?

PETER
Notice how they're not bisexual once their sales have dropped off. Then being gay or a dyke is a sales pitch. No one is ever really bisexual. People are just too stupid to make up their minds.

JOEL
You seem to have put a lot of thought into it.