Four Queens 3: Who’s A Pretty Boy Then?
By Steven Dawson
Copyright © Steven Dawson. March 2008
All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.
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Any application for performance must be made to:
RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT
P.O. Box 445 Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone [02] 9281 9622 Fax [02] 9212 7100
raftos@raftos.com.au
First Performance March 25th 2008
Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre, Brunswick Melbourne
Melbourne International Comedy Festival
Cast
Nathan Butler Paul, Sharon 2, Beryl, Trevor
Adrian Corbett Ben, Sharon 1, Father Michael, Martin, Margaret
Michael Finney Kyle, Sharon 4
Justin Hosking Tom, Sharon 3
Directed by Steven Dawson
Produced by Out Cast Theatre
VOICE OVER
Previously on 4 queens…Paul, Ben, Michael & Kyle book a trip to the gorgeous tropical gay resort Tortoise Beach. Sadly Kyle has just been dumped by his latest boyfriend. To get him over his broken heart they decided to go ahead with their holiday anyway. After a terrible flight north they arrive in the middle of a tropical downpour only to find their gay resort has had a change of management and clientele. The resort is now over run by bogans, an all-slag netball team, and a couple of geriatric American perverts with their oversexed mentally retarded daughter. Meanwhile Kyle is still upset. The boys decided to make the most it at the resort, especially considering no refunds policy [THEY SCREAM] At the resort Kyle meets Tom, a sexually confused young man on holiday with his wife….though they’re having issues. Ben, Paul and Michael continue to get hammered in the hotel bar and abuse the straights. The all-slag netball team, the Sharons, make much romance with a visiting football team from Brisbane. In another part of the resort Paul & Michael are also making friends in the spa tub. While Sharon 4 is having fun at the nightclub…Meanwhile Kyle is still upset…until he and Tom find they have something in common. Though Tom and his wife are still having issues. The boys get word of a gay dance party in the nearby rainforest but unfortunately get lost in the middle of a storm and almost turn on each other. Finally making their way back to the resort Kyle meets up with less sexually confused Tom again who has now ditched his wife and after a momentary panic attack romance soon blossoms. Ben, Paul & Michael head home leaving Kyle and Tom to their own devices.
18 months later and Kyle and Tom are happily living together in Yarraville. Because Kyle is English.... Michael suggests the happy couple get married in their backyard. Something the homophobic Australia Government still won't recognise [cunts]. At the ceremony there is much fun and frivolity as The in-laws get into fights The catering staff get horny, Michael’s new deaf boyfriend....has sex with a slag in the chook shed and the celebrant has a bust up with his lover. After the ceremony there is much celebration [rice throwing] as Tom and Kyle head off on their honeymoon to tropical Pi Pi island only to be greeted by a lovely killer tsunami. And now our story drags on....l mean, continues
LIGHTS UP ON PAUL AND BEN IN TWO SPOTS. TOM AND KYLE STAND CENTRE.
BEN
I didn’t tell you but they’re back.
PAUL
Who’s back? The voices inside your head? If they tell you to kill make sure it’s yourself. If they tell you to shop…buy me something pretty.
BEN
No. Kyle and Tom. They got back from their honeymoon yesterday.
PAUL
Yes, well 3 months down the track, the selfish bastards, I’ll just put that through to the big fat hairy whoop department.
BEN
They needed time to recover after the accident.
PAUL
Accident? What accident?
BEN
What do you mean what accident? The accident. I told you 6 weeks ago.
PAUL
Where?
BEN
At the Laird.
PAUL
They had an accident at the Laird?
BEN
No, dipstick. That’s where I told you.
PAUL
Was I sober?
BEN
I thought so.
PAUL
Was I smiling?
BEN
If you mean that slash across your face was showing teeth, then yes.
PAUL
Then obviously I was off my tits. I mean, I must have been totally spastic to let you drag me to the Laird anyway. That should have tipped you off.
BEN
So they needed time to recover.
PAUL
Well, without boring me to death do a little recap. Tell me the worst and I do mean worst. Leave nothing out. Blow by blow and don’t spare the gore.
BEN
Alright. Just keep your hands out of your gusset while I’m telling you. Okay. He fell.
PAUL
Who?
BEN
Kyle.
PAUL
So far so good.
BEN
I’m not going to continue if you’re going to slag him off.
PAUL
Is he dead?
BEN
No, but…
PAUL
Then you were saying.
BEN
Like I said. He fell. When the tsunami hit they both raced up to the first floor but the balcony partly collapsed.
PAUL
Nothing to do with the tsunami. It was because she‘s a fat trough monster and cheap Indonesian timber is no match for a House Betty her size.
BEN
Are you going to interrupt me every 5 seconds or should I come over there and side- line you with a brick?
PAUL
Don’t try sharing your beauty regime with me.
BEN
And by the way, you keep saying he’s fat but you know he’s not. Are you sure you’re not just in love with him?
PAUL
Are you sure you’re not on heroin?
BEN
I’m still not convinced. You’ll be pulling his pig tails next and running off.
PAUL
Pig tail is right. Get on with it.
BEN
So Kyle fell face first twenty feet into a box of Christmas lights.
PAUL
That’s festive.
BEN
His face got a little cut up.
PAUL
Fa-la-la-la-la.
BEN
He’s had a bit of surgery to get rid of most of the scarring.
PAUL
Do you think those Indonesian quacks were smart enough to know the difference between new scars and old ugly. With a bit of luck they also managed to find a personality under all that gristle.
BEN
He had a bit of a fix up in Darwin and a recoup but was still in bandages.
PAUL
Lovely. Hope they threw in some Lipo while they were at it. Though with hips that size she’d want to get a few quotes.
BEN
You’re making a lot of fun out of someone else’s misfortune.
PAUL
What can I say? I am a homosexual. It was part of the course. You were saying?
BEN
They got back yesterday and he’s having the last of the bandages taken off this morning. Tom’s already called me. They’re meeting us for coffee. He says we should prepare for a shock. He’s changed a bit.
PAUL
Changed? In what way? New nail varnish on his trotters?
BEN
No. Not quite. Just his appearance.
PAUL
That can only be a good thing. Normally he looks like a bucket of offal with lipstick on it.
BEN
Sounds like you’ve been saving that one for a rainy day.
PAUL
And you can bet I was worried I’d never get to use it.
BEN
They also said they have some big news.
PAUL
They’re breaking up? Thank fuck. I mean I like Tom but watching him all smoochie with Kyle was enough to make me blow chunks and want to fall on a splade set…though where anyone can get a splade set these days is a mystery.
BEN
No they haven’t broken up. As far as I know. Tom would have said something to me.
PAUL
Hey, it took Tom 30 years before he realised he liked playing the pink oboe so not all his dogs are barking, if you know what I mean.
BEN
I’ll swing by and pick you up in fifteen minutes.
PAUL
You sure fifteen will give you enough time to jump start your broom?
BEN
Well you’ll be riding side-saddled either way. Let your flaps drop and we’d end up paragliding into a tree!
TOM
What?
KYLE
Nothing.
TOM
Good. Stop dragging your arse.
THEY DO A LAP OF THE STAGE. KYLE STOPS AGAIN.
TOM
Now what?
KYLE
How do I look?
TOM
Oh, for god sakes. You look great.
KYLE
You’re just saying that.
TOM
Yes I am. Anything to shut you up, you whiney putz. I’ve had to listen to you whingeing for a month. The bandages are off so give it a rest.
KYLE
Is that how you feel?
TOM
No.
KYLE
Good. Otherwise I’d smack the living crap out of you. Have I changed that much?
TOM
You’ve lost 6 inches, your hair colour’s changed and you’re English accent has fucked off completely but apart from that it’s still you.
KYLE
Do you think the others will take the piss out of me?
TOM
Yes. Very much. Well, Paul will.
KYLE
I think I’m ready for him.
TOM
Brave words. You know, deep down I think he really loves you.
THEY PAUSE FOR A MOMENT.
BOTH
Yeah right.
TOM
I knew I couldn’t keep that down.
KYLE
What do you think they’re going to say?
TOM
Well, Paul will do his usual shtick about you being too fat and…
KYLE
No. I meant about our news.
TOM
Oh, that. I’m not sure.
KYLE
Oh that? That’s a bit wishy washy. It’s a big deal you know.
TOM
I know.
KYLE
You can’t treat this lightly.
TOM
I’m not.
KYLE
You are.
TOM
You’re going to turn it into a drama, aren’t you?
KYLE
That’s because it is huge.
TOM
Very huge.
KYLE
So you shouldn’t trivialise it.
TOM
I didn’t. You’re getting angry with me. Stop getting angry.
KYLE
I know. I’m sorry.
TOM
Good. Now give me a kiss.
KYLE
Where?
TOM
On my dick. Here, of course.
KYLE
You love this, don’t you?
TOM
Love what?
KYLE
Putting on a show out in the open for the straights.
TOM
It’s not putting on a show.
KYLE
Look at you. You’re all horny. Next thing you’ll want to do is pick a fight with a breeder like some Mr Man.
TOM
Who says I’m horny?
KYLE
You’re always horny.
TOM
And don’t you just hate that. I haven’t been able to get close to you for nearly 6 weeks. “Oooh don’t. You might get something on my bandages.”
KYLE
Well, it could have.
TOM
And watch with the labels. Pretty soon we’re gonna be breeders.
KYLE
Yes, and I don’t want my kid ask me why daddy always has a fat lip or why he’s always picking fights with strangers.
TOM
Do I?
KYLE
Well, you threatened to smack my doctor’s light’s out.
TOM
That wasn’t because he was straight. It was because he was a fuckwit.
KYLE
Yes he was and good looking to boot. But if you slapped every good-looking fuckwit that annoyed you…
TOM
I know.
KYLE
You really have to get a grip on your anger.
TOM
Uh-huh.
KYLE
It’s gonna be quite important down the track.
TOM
Alright!
KYLE
Honey, don’t hit me.
TOM
Not with witnesses.
KYLE
You just know I’d beat the living kaka out of you, anyway.
TOM
There is that as well.
KYLE
Okay, we’re here.
BEN
Well, hello strangers.
TOM
Hey guys, it’s great to see you again.
THEY PUSH TOM OUT OF THE WAY AND GO STRAIGHT TO KYLE. THEY CIRCLE AROUND HIM LIKE SHARKS.
BEN
My god. You look good.
KYLE
What were you expecting?
PAUL
A hook through your head for starters. Or maybe that was just a lovely dream I had.
BEN
You look very different.
KYLE
Do I?
PAUL
What?
KYLE
What, what?
PAUL
Say that again.
KYLE
Say what again?
PAUL
Anything. Say anything.
KYLE
You’re a hagged trough pig and it’s only those industrial undies your wear that are stopping your rotting uterus from falling through your gusset.
PAUSE.
PAUL
It’s her alright.
BEN
You’ve lost your accent.
KYLE
Have I?
PAUL
You know you have.
TOM
Apparently it’s one of the side effects from the anaesthetic.
BEN
I see.
KYLE
Doctors said it may come back.
PAUL
Don’t let it.
BEN
Alright I think we’ve established pretty solidly he looks different and sounds different but it’s still the same character. I mean…person. Have we all got that?
THEY ALL LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE.
PAUL
Thank fuck we can move on.
KYLE
Where’s Michael?
PAUL
In the loo giving blowjobs for a dollar.
BEN
He’s just left work. He’ll be here soon. How was your honeymoon?
KYLE
Apart from the tsunami and my hospitalisation?
PAUL
Let’s focus on the negatives first.
KYLE
It was great. Sun, sand, surf.
TOM
Actually more surf than we were expecting.
KYLE
That’s true.
PAUL
Did you get any cock?
TOM
We’re a couple.
PAUL
So no cock?
TOM
Does anyone want a drink?
BEN
Yes please. Long black
PAUL
Flat white
TOM
No coffee for you or me, of course.
KYLE
Yes. I’ll have a coke.
BEN
Why aren’t you having coffee?
KYLE
Not good for the sperm.
BEN
Then don’t put any into it. Have milk and sugar like everyone else, you freaks.
TOM
No. It’s not good for sperm production.
BEN
Really! Isn’t it a little early in the day to be using that word.
PAUL
Before I throw up and pass out, what the hell are you two idiots talking about?
KYLE
That’s our news.
PAUL
You mean you’re not breaking up?
TOM
No, of course not. Why would you think that?
PAUL
You’ve been together nearly 3 years. You can’t still like each other.
TOM
Actually it’s better than ever.
KYLE
Sure is. So much so, we’ve decided to take it to the next level.
BEN
An open relationship already? That is so romantic.
KYLE
No. We’re gonna have a kid.
PAUL
I see. Now boys, you know I hate being to one to burst anyone’s bubble…not unless I have a video camera handy…but those small shrivelled things you got hanging around taking up space in your lingerie…they’re called penises. Is that a word? What’s the plural for penis?
BEN
Penii?
PAUL
How Latin. Yes, well those penii mean you’re both, though the jury’s still out on Kyle, men. That means no pipes for puppies. No cunt for kitties…
KYLE
Yes we get the idea.
TOM
We’re looking at a surrogate. Or even adoption. It’s early days.
PAUL
Is that a surrogate with a fringe on top? Are you insane? Are you confused lesbians? What do you want to have a kid for? Vile sproglets running rampant all over the supermarkets, screaming for choccies and hogging the footpaths yet when you push them into the gutter their parents complain.
KYLE
We want to share what we have. Maybe enrich some else’s life.
PAUL
You couldn’t enrich the arse end of a beside table. Just because you can be parents doesn’t mean you should be. Take a look around you. Have you seen what’s out there? Spotty little vegemites all over the telly under some showbiz self-delusion because their parents are so fucked in the head they haven’t the sense to admit their kid is a talent-less turd who should have been double flushed at birth.
TOM
You’re not going to out us off.
KYLE
Maybe we have a lot of love to give.
PAUL
No. You have a lot of Lard. And you seem to be holding on to that quite well. You’ve already done the pathetic gay marriage crap. Now you want to have kids? It’s time to stop! You’ve become everything you hate. You’ve become a heterosexual!
KYLE
Ben, you’ve been very quiet.
BEN
Well, I think it’s marvellous.
TOM
You do?
BEN
Huh-huh. Anything that turns this idiot [REFERRING TO PAUL] into a paranoid loony gets my vote. I can just see it. Aunty Paul getting sidelined by a nappy full of crap! Priceless.
PAUL
Oh dear God.
BEN
And you’ve actually found someone insane enough to have a kid with you?
KYLE
Maybe. We have someone looking into it.
TOM
I’m going to get those drinks.
PAUL
Make mine a triple.
TOM
Of?
PAUL
Yes.
TOM EXITS AND COMES BACK ON AS MICHAEL.
BEN
Oh bugger me sideways. It’s here.
MICHAEL
Well, hello boys. Where is everyone? Where are they? Are they here yet?
BEN
Tom’s gone to the bar.
MICHAEL LOOKS AT KYLE FOR A MOMENT THEN LOOKS AWAY. HE LOOKS AT THE OTHERS. THEY LOOK PUZZLED. MICHAEL LOOKS AT KYLE AGAIN.
MICHAEL
Um…nothing just yet thanks. Oh wait. I’ll have a vodka lime daiquiri. [KYLE DOES NOT MOVE] So does he look very different? Kyle, I mean. Tom sent me an email and I was almost sick. Tell me quickly. We’ll do the full bitch when they’ve gone. [MICHAEL REALISES KYLE IS STILL STANDING THERE] Yes??? A drink please and pronto. [KYLE STANDS STILL] What are you? A fucking backpacker? Drink! Go! Or I shall be forced to call the manager.
KYLE
Why don’t you go and get the drink yourself, you small-dicked chubnut!
MICHAEL GLARES AT HIM THEN LOOKS CLOSER.
MICHAEL
Kyle? [KYLE SMILES] Oh my god. Is that you in there? What happened to you? You look so…
KYLE
What?
PAUL
Exactly. So what.
MICHAEL
I was going to say different?
KYLE
Better, you mean.
MICHAEL
No. Just….so you had a good time?
KYLE
Apart from the eight weeks in hospital bed it was a fantastic honeymoon, thanks for asking.
MICHAEL
Was it romantic? You hardly mentioned anything in your emails. I’m dying to know.
BEN
Emails?
MICHAEL
Of course. I got 3 or 4 every week. You?
PAUL
None.
KYLE
I…uh…only remembered one email address.
PAUL
Really?
KYLE
I thought he would pass them on.
MICHAEL
Oh, I meant to.
BEN
Greedy little pig.
MICHAEL
Did they tell you they’re trying to get pregnant?
PAUL
Yes but so far everything he’s had up to now has been dusky brown and stillborn.
BEN
That’s gorgeous.
PAUL
Wait a minute. You know about all this baby shit?
MICHAEL
Who do you think suggested it?
PAUL
I might have known. Well, aren’t you the busy little buttinski.
MICHAEL
I started planning this before their honeymoon. By the way she wants to meet you next Tuesday.
BEN
Who?
MICHAEL
Uh…friend of a friend.
PAUL
You don’t have any friends.
KYLE
What’s her name?
MICHAEL
Um…I forget.
PAUL
Oh, so she’s a real close friend of a friend.
MICHAEL
I have it written down somewhere.
BEN
Well at least she’s not vague about it.
MICHAEL
Hey, they wanted someone to have the kid. I’ve found someone. And she sounds perfect.
PAUL
So any old slag will do?
MICHAEL
Of course not. She comes highly recommended.
PAUL
By who? The pound? Does she have all her papers?
MICHAEL
I think I’ll wait till Tom gets back. We can discuss the details in private. So, apart from the major catastrophe how was your holiday?
KYLE
It was great. Are you still seeing that cute deaf guy?
MICHAEL
Yes, thank you for asking.
KYLE
Still? But it’s been…what?
MICHAEL
Four months.
PAUL
Fuck me dead.
MICHAEL
I wouldn’t fuck you unconscious.
PAUL
How does it go again? Oh that’s right.
THEY ALL GROAN AS IF IN ORGASM BUT VERY LOUDLY.
MICHAEL
Hilarious.
BEN
Four months? That must be a record for you. Usually they’re still wiping themselves down with Domestos and a flannel while you’re running out the door.
MICHAEL
I stand corrected. Hilarity plus. [TO KYLE] And if you’re wondering, yes, I have completely forgiven him for that little wedding day fiasco.
PAUL
You mean when he fucked that woman in the chook shed? Can’t see how he could tell the difference between you.
MICHAEL
That is so fucking funny. How is it no one has swept you up after all these years?
BEN
The council tries every Thursday.
PAUL
Oh, it’s like a meeting between Dorothy Parker and Oscar Wilde. So it was all your idea about them having a kid?
MICHAEL
Not completely.
PAUL
You realise it could all fall in a heap and they’ll blame you.
KYLE
We will not.
PAUL
How they hell are you two going to raise a kid?
MICHAEL
You’re just jealous because none of your parent’s kids went to full term.
BEN
And who’s going to be daddy?
KYLE
Well, after the health checks and all that shit we’re going to combine the…deposits.
PAUL
Deposits? I may vomit.
KYLE
Would you prefer baby gravy?
MICHAEL
Sprog snot?
BEN
Ball bubbles?
PAUL
Alright. Stop there. Gross.
KYLE
And this surrogate you’ve found…
MICHAEL
Yes?
KYLE
What do you know about her?
MICHAEL
Enough to know it’s only going to cost you ten thousand and once she’s had it she doesn’t want to see you or it ever again. You send her the stuff and once she’s up the duff you send her the cheque.
BEN
What a professional.
PAUL
She sounds lovely.
MICHAEL
Doesn’t she? I wrote to her explaining what you’re after. Of course, there’s the legal shit to be sorted out before you chuck your junk up her.
BEN
Chuck your junk up her? You are going to make a great auntie.
MICHAEL
Aren’t I? I can’t wait.
SHARON 1
Oh my god.
SHARON 2
What’s the matter Sharon?
SHARON 1
Sharon, come over here.
SHARON 3
What Sharon?
SHARON 1
I got a letter.
SHARON 4
Really?
SHARON 1
I know.
SHARON 2
How fucked is that?
SHARON 1
Totally.
SHARON 3
What’s it about?
SHARON 1
Babies.
SHARON 4
Babies?
SHARON 1
Actually my sister got it but I steal her mail.
SHARON 3
I hate your sister.
SHARON 1
I do too.
SHARON 2
I wish she was dead.
SHARON 1
She is.
SHARON 2
Really?
SHARON 1
Last Friday. Level crossing.
SHARON 3
Are you okay?
SHARON 1
Of course I am. I wasn’t in the car. Jeez. Stupid mole tried to beat a train.
SHARON 4
What a dumb bitch.
SHARON 1
She was driving a mini.
SHARON 4
Hah. Sucked in.
SHARON 3
Now it’s mini convertible.
SHARON 2
Was it on the news?
SHARON 1
No!
SHARON 2
That sucks jockey dicks
SHARON 1
Tell me about it.
SHARON 3
What was the letter about?
SHARON 1
She’s going to help some guys have a baby. Well, she was.
SHARON 3
Was what?
SHARON 1
Going to help some guys have a baby.
SHARON 3
Shit.
SHARON 4
And she can’t now.
SHARON 1
That’s right, you genius.
SHARON 4
Because she’s dead.
SHARON 1
They were gonna pay her ten thousand bucks.
SHARON 3
Such a waste.
SHARON 2
I know. She was really nice to me.
SHARON 3
No, I mean the ten thousand.
SHARON 4
Yeah.
SHARON 2
Oh right. So how was she gonna help them?
SHARON 1
She was gonna get pregnant.
SHARON 3
Was she gonna let them root her?
SHARON 4
Both of them? At the same time? Fuck, that’s hot.
SHARON 3
Spit roast central. Just like in year 8, isn’t it Sharon?
SHARON 4
And that gets you pregnant?
SHARON 1
Will you two shut up! No. They were gonna give her the stuff and she was gonna stick it inside her guts.
SHARON 4
That sounds real technical.
SHARON 2
That still sounds like a lot of money.
SHARON 1
You know what I’m thinking?
SHARON 3
Yeah. I want a Big Mac as well. Who’s gonna go?
SHARON 1
We should get that money.
SHARON 2
Are we gonna roll them? Where do they live?
SHARON 1
No. One of us should get pregnant. Then we could all share the money.
SHARON 4
And you’d do that for us? Fuck, you’re a good friend.
SHARON 1
Not me.
SHARON 3
We should all do it. First one to get pregnant gets a couple of hundred bucks more.
SHARON 2
That sounds fair.
SHARON 4
And what do we do with the kid then?
SHARON 3
Nothing. We give it to the two men.
SHARON 4
Why?
SHARON 2
So they can have it.
SHARON 4
What are they gonna do with it?
SHARON 3
They’re gonna bring it up.
SHARON 4
Really? What a pair of losers.
SHARON 3
I know, Sharon.
SHARON 1
I hate kids.
SHARON 2
Me too.
SHARON 3
Me too.
SHARON 4
I hate Red Rooster.
SHARON 1
They always whinge and steal your ciggies. And if you leave your neighbour’s kids in the car the police get real angry with you.
SHARON 3
Unless you suck them off in the divvy van. Though last time I scraped my knee and he still made me walk home!
SHARON 4
Fucking pigs.
SHARON 3
Yeah, fucking pigs. That’s the last time I ever let one of them near my fur burger.
SHARON 2
Yuk.
SHARON 1
So are we gonna do it?
SHARON 4
Do what?
SHARON 1
See if we can get pregnant and get ten thousand bucks.
SHARON 2
How much is that exactly?
SHARON 1
Eight hundred and thirty three packs of B&H.
SHARON 3
Yeah. Okay.
SHARON 4
Yes please.
SHARON 2
Me too.
SHARON 4
When do we fuck them?
SHARON 1
For crying out loud Sharon. We’re not going to fuck them. They’re gonna send it to us in an esky.
SHARON 2
Ask them to put some beer into it as well
SHARON 4
Yeah. And make sure it’s light beer. I read it’s good for kids.
SHARON 3
You read it?
SHARON 4
No. I heard it.
SHARON 3
Thought so.
SHARON 4
And if you smoke while you’re pregnant then you don’t get fat. The kid’s real small and easy to pump out.
SHARON 3
Doesn’t mash your flaps? Nice. Good thinking Sharon.
SHARON 1
Ten thousand bucks here we come.
SHARON 2
No. Here they come. Get it?
SHARON 4
As long as it’s not in my hair.
BEN AND PAUL MOVE TO THE SIDE AS A PHONE CAN BE HEARD RINGING. BERYL ANSWERS THE PHONE. MARTIN STANDS CLOSE BESIDE HER.
BERYL
Who is it?
TOM
Mum, it’s me.
BERYL
Who?
TOM
You only have one kid. Who else would call you mum?
BERYL
Tom?
TOM
Bingo.
BERYL
It’s Tom.
MARTIN
Why’s he calling so late?
BERYL
How the bloody hell should I know? Hello sweetheart. Fancy you calling so late.
TOM
Its not even eight pm.
MARTIN
It’s the middle of the night. Doesn’t he realise I have to work in the morning.
BERYL
Tom, what’s wrong? Is everything alright? Did you and Kyle have a fight?
MARTIN
What’s the matter?
BERYL
Tom and Kyle had a fight.
MARTIN
Really? Hope Tom got a few punches in. Did you drop him son? He looks like he could do with a good kicking. Never trust those bloody English. So up themselves if they open their mouths you can see their dicks!
TOM
Dad!
MARTIN
I was just saying.
TOM
Dad, we didn’t have a fight.
MARTIN
No?
TOM
No.
MARTIN
Then what are you calling so late for?
TOM
I’ve got some news.
BERYL
Well that’s lovely. Goodnight then.
TOM
I haven’t even told you what it is.
BERYL
What?
TOM
My news.
MARTIN
Well hurry up. It’s the middle of the night.
TOM
It’s only eight for Christ sakes!
BERYL
Watch your mouth. You know I don’t like that kind of talk.
TOM
Sorry, Mum.
BERYL
That’s better. So what have you got to tell us?
TOM
Kyle and I are going to have a kid.
BERYL
That’s nice dear.
TOM
“That’s nice dear.” Is that all you’ve got to say?
BERYL
Tom, I know you’re not the smartest bunny in the warren. You take after your Dad in that department.
MARTIN
Bite me Beryl.
BERYL
And you know how I hate to give bad news but you’re both men.
TOM
So?
BERYL
Well unless Kyle’s really a woman, and I’ve always had my suspicions, what with him being a Pom, it’s not possible, medically speaking. Trust me. A mother knows these things. I know they’re real clever, those city doctors, but even I know two men can’t have a baby
TOM
I know two men can’t have a baby. We’re going to get a woman to have it for us.
MARTIN
The two of them are gonna do it with a woman? Bloody brilliant! Go for it son! It’s always been my dream but that got flushed like a Tuesday Turd.
BERYL
Speaking of which, go brush your teeth.
TOM
Mum, dad. We’re not having sex with a woman.
BERYL
Oh?
TOM
We’re going to donate some sperm to a woman who’s going to have it for us.
BERYL
Tom, it’s eight o’clock in the evening. The last thing a woman of my age wants to hear at eight o’clock in the evening on her own telephone is the word “sperm.”
TOM
Sorry Mum.
MARTIN
So you’re both going to do it to her and then just let her bring it up? Good one son.
TOM
No. She’s going to have it but we’re going to bring it up.
BERYL
Without a mother?
TOM
Yes.
BERYL
I see.
TOM
What’s the matter?
BERYL
Tom, you know we’re happy for you.
TOM
I know that.
BERYL
And far be it from us to pass judgement. Your time will come and that judgement from a much higher power. Just make sure it’s baptised, Tom. Just like you were. Promise me that. That way at least one of you will get to go to heaven.
TOM
Great. Anyway. I have to go. Just thought I’d let you know.
BERYL
Tom? Did you hear me?
TOM
Can’t talk now. I’m going through a tunnel.
BERYL
But didn’t you call us from your land line?
TOM
You’re breaking up. Kkrrrrrrrrrrr.
HE HANGS UP
MARTIN
So he’s gonna have a kid. At least he won’t have to have sex to get it. The lucky little poof.
BERYL
Oh go root a rat, Martin.
THEY MOVE AROUND THE STAGE. PAUL EXITS AS BEN CHANGES TO FATHER MICHAEL.
KYLE
You know I am doing this under protest.
TOM
Just like our sex life. I know.
KYLE
Any more remarks like that and you’ll be doing all your sex under anaesthesia.
TOM
So how much more different is that from now?
KYLE
Yuk it up laughing boy.
TOM
No more talking about sex. Remember where we are.
KYLE
The bad lighting, the smell of ammonia. The old people on their knees. Could it be Club X?
FATHER MICHAEL ENTERS
TOM
Thank you for seeing us, Father. We’ll try not to take up too much of your time.
FATHER MICHAEL
Not at all. That’s what I’m here for. To tell the truth my dance card’s pretty empty. I haven’t got much going on at all for the rest of the week. Not since…Do either of you watch Today Tonight?
KYLE
Today Tonight?
TOM
No. Not really.
FATHER MICHAEL
Then that’s fine. So what can I do for you fine young gentleman? And please…call me Michael. We’re not all stuffed cassocks and crucifix’s these days.
TOM
Thanks. My name’s Tom and this is Kyle.
FATHER MICHAEL
Lovely to meet you both. I must say though, you look a little familiar to me.
KYLE
Do I?
FATHER MICHAEL
Have we met before?
KYLE
Can’t see how.
FATHER MICHAEL
Maybe part of the youth group?
KYLE
I don’t think so.
FATHER MICHAEL
I’m usually good on faces.
KYLE
Same here or so I’ve been told.
TOM GLARES AT HIM
FATHER MICHAEL
Well welcome anyway. It’s quite rare for me to get anyone your age. At the church, I mean. Big strapping lads. You’re not local, I take it?
KYLE
Actually we are. We live just around the corner.
FATHER MICHAEL
And yet I’ve never seen you of my services.
TOM
We just haven’t had much time.
FATHER MICHAEL
There’s always time for the Lord. I mean, He makes time for you.
KYLE
Yes, I guess so. Actually Tom’s a Catholic. I’m not.
FATHER MICHAEL
Well, I like a challenge.
KYLE
I think you might be blowing…
TOM
That’s okay Father.
FATHER MICHAEL
So hopefully I’ll see a lot more of you. At Sunday services, of course.
TOM
Of course.
FATHER MICHAEL
But we’re getting off the subject. What can I do to you…er…for you?
TOM
We wanted to talk to you about baptism.
FATHER MICHAEL
Lovely.
KYLE
Why should we do it?
FATHER MICHAEL
You personally?
TOM
Er…for starters.
FATHER MICHAEL
Well, if you want to be welcomed into the family of Christ then that is one of the steps. First you must accept Christ as your Lord and saviour. If you accept Christ into your lives then you are ready for baptism. It is a cleansing of original sin and you are born anew, ready to stand by God. It’s spiritual insurance and if you haven’t screwed up then it’s the full comprehensive. You might get hit by a bus or choke on a canapé at a cocktail party and where would you be then? Buggered is where.
TOM
Right.
KYLE
And Christening?
FATHER MICHAEL
Oh that’s just signing off, giving the little bugger a name and splashing the water around.
KYLE
What’s the difference?
FATHER MICHAEL
With Baptism everyone understands the spiritual connection between you and you know who. Getting into the big guy’s good graces. The other is for the plebs who never go to church any other time except to check out the frocks and the in-laws. Blessed is Brad in front of God and bung him in the car boot. Then they chuck down a couple of spinach and salmon voul-au-vents!
KYLE
I see.
FATHER MICHAEL
Are either of you thinking of getting baptised or christened? I think the latter option might be a bit late for you.
TOM
No, no. It’s not for us.
KYLE
We’re thinking of having a baby?
FATHER MICHAEL
Who is?
KYLE
Tom and myself.
FATHER MICHAEL
With your wives I hope. Maybe we should have this discussion with them as well. Might save us some time and I wouldn’t need to repeat myself.
KYLE
No, no. There’s no wives. Tom and I are planning on having a kid.
TOM
Together.
FATHER MICHAEL
Together?
KYLE
Yes.
FATHER MICHAEL
Just the two of you?
TOM
That’s right.
FATHER MICHAEL
I see.
THE PRIEST STARTS TO LOOK AROUND
TOM
What’s the matter?
FATHER MICHAEL
I’m looking for the film crew?
KYLE
Film crew?
FATHER MICHAEL
Did someone send you to do this?
KYLE
No. There’s no film crew. We’re thinking about having a baby by a surrogate.
TOM
Or we might even adopt one.
KYLE
Yes.
FATHER MICHAEL
And you two are a….
KYLE
Couple. That’s right.
FATHER MICHAEL
You know you’re going to burn in hell.
TOM
Hell?
FATHER MICHAEL
That’s right. Have a nice day.
HE STARTS TO EXIT.
KYLE
Oh, Father?
FATHER MICHAEL
Yes?
KYLE
I just remembered where we might have met?
FATHER MICHAEL
Really? And where would that be?
KYLE
It was across the road at that park. About five years ago. You offered to blow me behind the soccer shed.
FATHER MICHAEL
Oh I don’t think so…
KYLE
Oh yes. It was you alright. I remember you because you crossed yourself before dropping to your knees. Fucking hypocrite!
THE PRIEST RUNS OFF.
KYLE
Well that’s sorted. Coffee?
TOM
Was that true?
KYLE
Was what true?
TOM
About him blowing you behind the soccer shed?
KYLE
I doubt it. I lived on the other side of the city five years ago.
TOM
Then why did you…?
KYLE
You need to watch Today Tonight a bit more, honey. Besides…scratch the surface of any church.
TOM
Alright, alright. Come on.
KYLE
Are you okay? It’s not true.
TOM
What? No, it’s not that. I was just thinking Mum will be a bit disappointed.
KYLE
Do you really care?
TOM
Nah. Apparently we’re going to burn hell anyway.
KYLE
Wear something light.
BEN
So tell me losers… are you two serious about this? About getting a kid?
KYLE
Of course. We sent the sample to her a week ago by courier. We even signed the agreement this morning and sent the five hundred dollar down payment. You think it was good idea sending it in cash?
TOM
I’m sure it will be fine. She looked nice from her photo.
KYLE
Yes. She did. Our kid will be gorgeous.
BEN
Good. Then I have a surprise for you.
KYLE
What?
BEN
You know my sister?
PAUL
The one in prison?
BEN
The one who works in a prison.
PAUL
I’ve seen her tattoos. It’s splitting hairs. And I’m sure she has been as well.
KYLE
What about her?
BEN
Well, she’s got an eighteen month old kid she’s not particularly fond of so, before she goes spare and shakes it like a Marguerita, she said you can look after it for forty eight hours.
KYLE
Really?
TOM
She’s gonna trust her kid with complete strangers?
BEN
Well they don’t get much stranger than you two science experiments. Relax. She’s met Kyle, she knows you want to have a kid and you’re both gay.
PAUL
Like a budgie with glaucoma couldn’t pick you two as foo-foo.
BEN
Well, what do you say? It’s the perfect op for you to see if you handle it for the rest of your lives.
KYLE
Do you want to do it?
TOM
Only if you’re certain.
KYLE
Okay. I’m game if you are.
BEN
Great. Just remember it’s a loaner so don’t drop it or whack it in the microwave.
KYLE
Are you okay?
TOM
With what?
KYLE
The baby thing.
TOM
Of course not. I am freaking out.
BEN
That’s to be expected
PAUL
We should go out and have a drink.
KYLE
To celebrate?
BEN
Any excuse.
TOM
Shouldn’t we clean the place before it arrives?
BEN
Don’t bother. Compared to the toxic hellhole my sister lives in, your crummy dump is a mansion.
KYLE
Well this is exciting. Where should we go?
KYLE
Oh Christ. I’m not ready for this.
PAUL
What?
KYLE
A Peel doorman. They’re dumber than a dildo.
LORD OF THE RINGS BURST OF MUSIC
BEN
None shall pass!
KYLE
Gay.
TOM
Very gay.
PAUL
Flaming.
KYLE
Camper than Bert Newton but 3 ton lighter.
TOM
I hate lesbians.
PAUL
So gay I should write a musical.
KYLE
I slept with someone who slept with someone who once mowed the lawns for Anthony Callea’s mum.
DOORMAN
Showbiz personality. Thank you sir. Wait a minute! You can’t go in wearing thongs.
KYLE
[SINGING] I am what I am.
BEN
Okay. Pass.
KYLE
Maybe this was a mistake.
PAUL
Shut up! This is not a mistake. This is us going out and having some fun. You should take advantage of it before the fun stops. That should be about 5 minutes after the sprog arrives.
KYLE
You may be right.
PAUL
Don’t ever doubt me, you scabby troll. Now to make you feel better why don’t you go get me a drink.
KYLE
How would that make me feel better?
PAUL
By me not hitting you.
BEN
Tom, are you having fun?
TOM
This is amazing.
BEN
You need to get out more.
PAUL
Give it about 2 hours and it’ll look less amazing and more Valley of the Dead.
TOM
This is the first time I’ve been to a gay place.
BEN
You’re kidding?
TOM
Nope.
BEN
In the three years you’ve been together? That’s pathetic.
TOM
Is it?
KYLE
It’s not pathetic. And you wanna know why? Because we don’t need this sort of place.
PAUL
Listen, you little charisma bypass, it’s not about needing a place. It’s just somewhere to go. You always over-think things.
BEN
He’s just scared Tom will find someone a lot cuter and hotter than him.
KYLE
Hardly.
BEN
Really?
KYLE
Yes, really.
PAUL
So, Tom? What do you think?
TOM
About what?
PAUL
Anything here take your fancy?
TOM
I haven’t really thought about it.
PAUL
Well, try. Just as a hypothetical. Imagine you had never met Kyle.
BEN
Forget it. I’ve been trying that for about 6 years but the nausea still won’t go.
PAUL
Now, admittedly it’s a limited selection but there’s a couple of good looking guys checking you out already.
TOM
Really? Where?
KYLE
Tom’s not interested in good looking men. I mean…
BEN
Ha!
TOM
I’m with Kyle.
PAUL
Look, try to think outside the square for just a moment. You never met Kyle. That Queensland abomination never happened, your ex wife had still kicked you out because she found those Hung and Uncut magazines under your bed, along with the well eroded love beads and 10 litres of motor oil. There you are…out on your own and seriously thinking about knob on knob action. You come to this place. Now, is there anything here that would get you sack wrangling?
TOM
I guess one or two might.
PAUL
There you go.
KYLE
Who?
TOM
Who what?
KYLE
These one or two you’d have sex with?
TOM
I don’t know. I was just saying…
PAUL
Tell me do you think you’d be happier living this sort of lifestyle? Out every night at bars like this one. Picking up strangers. Blowing anyone who...
TOM
I wouldn’t blow…
PAUL
Before you say another word, remember, for most of us this is all there is. Look at these sad creatures. Low lighting is their only friend. Looks-wise, most of them are barely holding it together. [POINTING TO BEN] I give you exhibit A.
BEN
Go fuck a goat.
PAUL
More dead than alive. Wondering where their next blowjob is coming from. Someone should organise a telethon for these fuckers. I mean, do you think it’s easy going through life, one lonely night after the next through a succession of substandard one night stands?
BEN
And that’s only if you’ve managed to coax them out of the laneway in the first place with a crisp fifty.
PAUL
Come three am most of them won’t even be able to find their car keys, let alone direct their energies to a bit of third rate frottage against a toilet wall.
BEN
Frottage? Isn’t that cheese?
PAUL
If they don’t wash.
BEN
That’s fromage.
KYLE
That’s enough.
PAUL
A relationship is just a one-night stand that didn’t have the sense to get up and go back to the hostel. Now. Still want to be gay?
KYLE
Barbara Cartland, we thought you were dead.
TOM
Kyle’s the only man I ever wanted to be with.
PAUL
What a freak.
BEN
How do you know? You don’t even know what’s out there.
TOM
I don’t need to. I’m not interested.
PAUL
But you’ve had sex with other men.
TOM
Who said?
PAUL
Kyle said.
TOM
Really?
KYLE
It may have slipped out. I must have been drunk. They get me drunk and make me say things.
TOM
He shouldn’t have done that. That was private.
KYLE
It’s no big deal.
TOM
It is a big deal. My previous relationships aren’t something to take the piss out of.
BEN
We weren’t really taking the piss…
KYLE
So they were relationships? I thought you told me they were just little flings.
TOM
What are you talking about? There was my wife and now there’s you. That’s it.
KYLE
And the men you had sex with before your wife?
TOM
The man. I told you. It was off and on for 3 months and I was twenty! It’s ancient history.
KYLE
It still counts. Every experience adds up.
TOM
Do you want me to add in the other 20 or so fucks I had between 17 and 20?
KYLE
They’re what makes you who you are.
TOM
Well, that’s deep. What are you? The resident bar shrink? I don’t need you telling me more about myself than I already know. You’re not qualified.
KYLE
I’m your partner.
TOM
Then act like one and have a bit of faith. I was in love with my wife for 3 years but that finished then you came along.
KYLE
Well try not to sound so disappointed. Or maybe you’d be happier back with your wife. Even better, maybe we should never have gotten married in the first place!
TOM
And maybe you should grow up! Oh fuck this.
TOM STORMS OFF.
KYLE
Tom? Tom!
BEN
What just happened here?
KYLE TURNS TO BEN.
KYLE
Well, thank you sooo much.
PAUL
We were just playing around. You’re the one who acted like some Polly Paranoid dog with a bone.
KYLE
This is all a big joke to you.
PAUL
Oh how quickly they turn.
BEN
Hey, Spanky, if you two can’t handle a little outside ribbing then don’t come to the party.
KYLE
This is our relationship. It’s not some game. We’re married. We’re committed to each other. We want to have a kid.
PAUL
Well if you’re doubting his commitment to you then maybe you should have a rethink. And if you’re gonna stay together and have a kid then you both need to be made of tougher stuff. Such an idiot.
MICHAEL COMES ON, SCREAMING TO SOMEONE OFF STAGE.
MICHAEL
Yes I’m gay, you stupid twat! I slept with you, remember? [PAUSE] I remember. I remember I fell asleep, you were so lame. It was 5 minutes before I realised I was fucking the pillow, you loose jizz pit. [HE LOOKS AT THE OTHERS] I hate Peel bouncers.
PAUL
Just when we think it can’t get any worse…
MICHAEL
Thanks for waiting for me. I was only parking my car. [LOOKS AROUND] Someone explain to me again why we’re here?
PAUL
To enjoy ourselves.
BEN
We’re here to celebrate.
MICHAEL
Celebrate what?
KYLE
Well, it was about Tom and me getting a kid for a few days. But that may not be happening now. Or ever.
BEN
Well, it better be happening because I told my sister you were taking the kid and she’s already made plans so sort yourselves out.
MICHAEL
That dyke has a kid?
BEN
She’s no dyke.
MICHAEL
Well she’s no fucking soft wallflower either. Last I saw her she was wearing shorts and I swear the tattoos on her thighs said Test Your Brakes Now.
PAUL
Where’s your deaf boyfriend?
THEY FAKE ANOTHER GROAN AGAIN.
MICHAEL
Stop that!
BEN
Why? He’s not gonna hear it.
PAUL
Good one.
MICHAEL
He said he’d meet me here.
BEN
You’ll probably find him near the speakers.
MICHAEL
Very amusing. [TO PAUL] And stay away from him, you drip tray.
PAUL
Oh please. He’s not my type.
BEN
Yes. Tall, good looking and hung. He’s a train wreck.
MICHAEL
You’ve been warned.
PAUL
Move away from me before I scrape you off my pumps.
MICHAEL
Where’s Tom?
KYLE
Who cares?
MICHAEL
Oh. Excuse me all over the place. Did I miss something?
BEN
They had a little tiff. Speaking of which you better go find him and tell him you’re sorry.
KYLE
I’m not sorry for anything.
BEN
Well you should be. Carrying on like an idiot. You just picked a fight so you could play alpha male again. Give it a rest.
KYLE
No I didn’t.
BEN
You’re both just freaking out. Maybe about having a kid. Or maybe someone’s not getting enough sex. I don’t know. You should be grateful he still wants to be with you. I’ve said it hundreds of times before, you’re high maintenance. Cut him some slack. At least you know he still loves you.
KYLE
Does he?
BEN
You think it was guilt that made him stick around while you recovered from your accident? Most of those other sorry excuses you dated before him would’ve done a runner first op. And even if you’re not sorry do you really think it’s wise letting him off the leash in this place?
KYLE
Why?
BEN
Last I saw him he was heading up the stairs.
KYLE
So?
BEN
You do know they’ve done some reno’s recently and upstairs is now a sex maze?
PAUL
What?
MICHAEL
Glory holes and everything. [THEY LOOK AT HIM] I’m told.
KYLE
Well, he wouldn’t go up there.
PAUL
Are you so sure? I don’t know. If it were my boyfriend or partner, or whatever you freaks are calling yourselves these days, I wouldn’t want to leave him upset and angry and in unfamiliar terrain. You’ve already accused him of wanting to have sex with strangers. Now you’ve given him cause.
KYLE
Oh Jesus.
BEN
And for the record those two guys who were checking him out before aren’t here either.
KYLE
Fucking hell. I need to go find him.
PAUL
Good luck.
KYLE
Well, aren’t you going to help me?
PAUL
No.
KYLE
Isn’t this one of those moments where I get to humiliate myself? I know how much you like that.
PAUL
That’s true. Let’s go.
THEY CHANGE TO THE SHARONS. THEY STAND WITH LEGS ASTRIDE. THERE IS THE SOUND OF A STEADY STREAM OF URINE HITTING THE FLOOR. THEY ARE ALL PEEING ONTO PREGNANCY TEST PENCILS.
SHARON 4
Jesus that was close. I was busting. I reckon I could take a cat’s eye out.
SHARON 1
So, everyone’s done it and ready, right?
SHARON 3
Of course we have, Sharon. We’re not idiots. We’ve had this baby goo inside us for two weeks. One of us should be up the duff. Unless we’re all rank or something. Hah!
SHARON 2
Yeah, but that turkey baster was a bit cold. You could’ve warmed it up a bit in the microwave.
SHARON 1
That would have killed all the jiz.
SHARON 2
Oh.
SHARON 3
It was a bit manky as well. You could’ve at least wiped it before you gave to me.
SHARON 1
They could’ve been some on the outside. That’s double the chances.
SHARON 3
Oh smart move.
SHARON 1
See I think about these things.
SHARON 2
Hey, what happens if we all get pregnant?
SHARON 4
Wouldn’t that be great?
SHARON 1
Why would it be great?
SHARON 3
You could sell their kidneys in China. They pay a lot of money. Twice as much as we’re getting for this fucking sprog.
SHARON 1
Will you two just shut up!
SHARON 3
Sharon, watch what you’re doing. You’re pissing on me runners.
SHARON 4
Sorry.
SHARON 4
Hey, how come it smells like asparagus?
SHARON 3
Mine doesn’t. Mine smells like Wheat Bix.
SHARON 4
Gross.
SHARON 2
How soon after do you know if you’re preggers?
SHARON 1
About two weeks after you splattered your minge.
SHARON 4
Minge?
SHARON 1
That’s why we’re doing it now.
SHARON 4
Hey, that courier with the stuff was cute. Hope the kid looks like him.
SHARON 2
It won’t be his kid, you stupid bitch. He just delivered the esky.
SHARON 4
No?
SHARON 1
Anyway it doesn’t matter what it looks like. You’re not gonna keep it anyway.
SHARON 2
For crying out loud, we’re giving it to those guys.
SHARON 4
What guys?
SHARON 2
The ones that paid us, remember?
SHARON 3
When do we get the rest of the money again?
SHARON 1
When they get the kid. Are we all done?
SHARON 2
Yeah.
THEY DO A MOVEMENT ROUTINE OF SHAKING THEMSELVES, WIPING THEIR CROTCH WITH THEIR HANDS, FLINGING OFF THE EXCESS AND WIPING THEI HANDS ON THEIR CLOTHING. THEY ALL MIME PUTTING THEIR PANTIES BACK ON EXCEPT SHARON 4. THEY ALL LOOK AT HER.
SHARON 3
Mole!
SHARON 2
Okay, now what?
SHARON 1
Well, it says one bar for not pregnant and two bars for pregnant.
SHARON 4
What about three bars?
SHARON 1
You got a tampon stuck there. Now shut up.
SHARON 2
Can we hurry up? I’m dying for a drink.
SHARON 4
Let’s hurry up and get to the bar. There where a couple of hot blokes out there. Sharon, it’s your shout.
SHARON 2
Good thing we came in here to do this.
SHARON 1
Yeah my mum would’ve shit herself if we fucked up her carpet. It’s a shag.
SHARON 2
Deep pile?
SHARON 1
Yeah but she’s got ointment.
THERE IS A LOUD BANGING ON A DOOR.
SHARONS ALL
Fuck off! It’s busy!
SHARON 3
Rude bitches. Fuck, I hate this club.
SHARON 1
Okay so what have we got?
SHARON 2
Um…one bar. Not pregnant.
SHARON 3
Shit. Not pregnant.
SHARON 1
Nah. Bugger. Big hairy bollocks.
THEY ALL LOOK AT SHARON 4. SHE STARTS TO SMILE.
SHARON 4
Fucking ace. Two hundred bucks more than you bitches. Sucked in! What’s the matter Sharon?
SHARON 3
[CRYING] I wanted it to be me.
SHARON 4 GRABS SHARON 3’S STICK AND BREATHES ON IT. SHE LOOKS AT IT THEN GIVES IT BACK TO SHARON 3. SHARON 3 SMILES. SHARON 1 AND 2 EXIT.
SHARON 3
Are you okay, Sharon?
SHARON 4
I reckon! My boyfriend’s gonna be stoked. Now he can pay his fine and get his licence back
SHARON 3
Is that the one with the bent dick?
SHARON 4
How do you know?
SHARON 3
Uh, you told me, remember? You said he can root you around corners.
SHARON 4
Yeah. And he has done. Really cranks it. Even better than those other guys we met a couple of weeks ago.
SHARON 3
What guys?
SHARON 4
Those footy guys. At the pub.
SHARON 3
You didn’t do nothing with them, did ya’?
SHARON 4
Nah. What do I look like?
SHE DROPS TO HER KNEES AS THE OTHERS RUSH AROUND AND CHANGE TO MEN.
Just make sure you buy me a drink!
BEN
What a well-prepared little Energiser Bunny you are.
MICHAEL
Don’t break them. Fortunately I know the barman but he’d kill me if they got damaged.
PAUL
Why would they have these anyway?
MICHAEL
Sometimes they have to drag dead bodies out and they’d rather not cause too much attention and upset the clientele.
BEN
That’s very considerate.
PAUL
Very.
BEN
Slept with him, did you?
MICHAEL
Maybe.
BEN
Whore.
MICHAEL
Thank you.
BEN
What was he like?
MICHAEL
Ooh the trick questions first huh? Can I phone a friend?
PAUL
You’d have to find a friend
MICHAEL
Let me see. He was six foot two and an arsehole.
PAUL
Oooh, a back room. I’ve never done this before.
BEN
Before what? Brunch? I’d believe you a lot more if you didn’t come home every night with your hair matted in spunk.
PAUL
Well, I’m officially grossed out.
MICHAEL
Lovely dialogue. Real Disney. I’m going in.
MICHAEL MOVES CENTRE.
MICHAEL
Watch the floor. It’s a bit sticky.
BEN FOLLOWS AND SLIPS.
Whoa!
MICHAEL
I told you! Stupid bitch
THEY ALL GROUP UP AGAIN. THEIR HEAD LIGHTS GO IN DIFFERENT DIRECTION. MICHAEL MOVES OFF IN ONE DIRECTION. BEN AND PAUL IN THE OTHER.
MICHAEL
Well, hello. You’ve got soft skin.
PAUL
Why are we here again?
BEN
To find Tom.
PAUL
Where’s Kyle? Kyle?
KYLE
Something’s touching my leg. Did someone bring a goat in here?
BEN
Move towards the sound of my voice.
KYLE MOVES TOWARDS THEM.
MICHAEL
I’ve never done this before.
HE BENDS OVER AND THE SOUND OF A DOLBY SOUND SYSTEM ROARS.
PAUL
Where’s Tom?
BEN, PAUL, KYLE
Tom? Tom. Tom? Tom? Tom? [SCREAMING] Tom !
MICHAEL
Will you lot shut the fuck up?!
MEANWHILE MICHAEL’S HEADLIGHT STARTS BOBBING FORWARD.
Oooh. Oooh. Ooh. Ow. Ow. Owie, owie. Oooh. What are you talking about? I am clenching!
THERE IS A GROAN FROM OFF STAGE.
PAUL
I know who that is.
THEY ALL GROAN TOGETHER.
MICHAEL
Mother-fucker!!!
HE RUNS OFF STAGE.
KYLE
I’m out of here.
BEN
Me too.
PAUL
I might just see what’s….
HE IS YANKED OFF STAGE.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP AS KYLE ENTERS FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY BEN.
KYLE
I’m going home.
BEN
You should wait. He may turn up.
KYLE
I don’t know. He was pretty angry. This is the first time in 4 years I haven’t known where he was.
BEN
That could be your problem.
KYLE
I’ll see you in the morning.
KYLE EXITS AS PAUL AND MICHAEL STUMBLE OUT AND ACROSS THE STAGE.
BEN
Have fun.
PAUL
It was horrible. All those crusty old farts going he-he-he, poo-poo-poo, ha-ha-ha.
MICHAEL
I feel slightly violated.
BEN
Yeah right.
PAUL
That was such a gross experience. I am never going out with you guys again. You’re a bad influence.
MICHAEL
Thank God I never got caught up in anything untoward. My boyfriend would kill me.
PAUL
Oye. Princess Grace? You’ve got spunk all in your hair.
MICHAEL
Shit.
PAUL
As well.
BEN
Ugh.
LIGHTS FADE THEN COME UP ON KYLE. A PHONE RINGS. LIGHTS COME UP ON KYLE’S PARENTS TREVOR AND MARGARET
KYLE
Hi Mum..
MARGARET
Kyle, is that you? Trevor, pick up the extension. It’s Kyle. You’re dad’s in the basement
TREVOR
Kyle? Is that you?
KYLE
Hi Dad.
TREVOR
You sound different. What’s the matter with your voice?
KYLE
No. I’m fine
TREVOR
You’ve lost your accent.
KYLE
That was bound to happen. What with the accident and everything.
MARGARET
Yes, Tom kept us in the picture.
KYLE
He did?
TREVOR
Of course. Called us every week while you were laid up. We were going to come down but Tom said you were okay so we didn’t need to.
MARGARET
How is Tom?
KYLE
He’s okay. We just had a….
MARGARET
We really like him.
KYLE
I know.
MARGARET
And he thinks the world of you.
KYLE
I know.
MARGARET
Talked about you for hours.
KYLE
Right.
TREVOR
Well, got to get back to me project.
KYLE
Project?
MARGARET
In the basement. Your father and his friend, they’ve got their little studio down there.
KYLE
Friend?
MARGARET
Of course. He and Boon Lai are hard at it.
KYLE
Boon Lai?
MARGARET
Young student we met after your wedding on our stopover in Bangkok. Came to stay with us. Dad says he’s going to sponsor him. Isn’t that good of your father? Lovely young lad. So soft spoken.
TREVOR
Certainly is.
MARGARET
Your father and he are always downstairs taking pictures, developing pictures, sending them out on the interweb or whatever you call it, to all their interweb chums. Hardly see them these days.
TREVOR
It’s a hobby.
MARGARET
They’ve become very close. Boon Lai says he’d bend over backwards for your father. Isn’t that nice to have a chum like that?
KYLE
I guess.
MARGARET
Is that what it’s like for you and Tom?
KYLE
Kinda.
MARGARET
That’s nice. Well this is costing you and arm and a leg. Must say bye. Call em soon. Love you.
KYLE
Love you too.
TREVOR
And son, you and Tom?
KYLE
Yes dad?
TREVOR
Try not to fuck it up.
MARGARET
Bye sweetheart
KYLE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS TOM ENTERS.
KYLE
Where have you been?
TOM
I stayed at a friends place.
KYLE
And who would that be? I know all your friends.
TOM
God, you are so fucking arrogant. You think you know all my friends?
KYLE
Well unless someone new has popped up in the past 3 years then it must have been a very old friend.
TOM
Well, then maybe it was.
KYLE
I was worried.
TOM
You want to worry about something then worry about how stupid you behaved last night. You’re turning into a paranoid drama queen.
BEN ENTERS.
I don’t want to discuss it right now.
KYLE
Okay. When?
TOM
Later!
KYLE
Fine.
BEN
Hello? Did I catch you both at a bad time?
KYLE
Yes.
BEN
Well, too fucking bad. I have a delivery for you.
HE RUNS OFF AND SCREAMS BACK ON WITH A PRAM
.
TOM
What? Oh shit.
BEN
Now he’s sleeping at the moment so don’t wake the little fucker. He was changed just before I picked him up. But, when you need to, the spare diapers are in the hallway along with his bottles and all his other shit. How can a baby have so much junk? I swear this kid’s got more baggage than a leather queen at a jack off and oil party.
KYLE
Diapers?
TOM
Bottles?
KYLE
Bloody hell.
BEN
And no swearing. The little cunt picks up everything.
TOM
Nice.
KYLE
So what do we do now?
BEN
Nothing. Wait till he wakes up then feed him and if he needs it change his undies.
TOM
Right.
BEN
You two! Snap out of it!
TOM
What? Oh. Of course.
BEN
You need to be focused. I’m told this a living thing you’re taking care of and much as I can barely abide my sister she’ll have my guts for garters if anything happens to it.
KYLE
What’s it’s name?
BEN
“His” name. What’s “his” name.
KYLE
Okay. What’s his name?
BEN
Um…
TOM
Some uncle.
BEN
Hey, until he’s old enough to go down the shops and buy me ciggies and booze I don’t need to know. Call him Spot if you like. He’s not gonna come if you call him anyway.
KYLE
He looks nice.
BEN
Really?
TOM
He looks fat.
KYLE
All babies are fat to start off with. He looks pretty small.
BEN
I’m sorry. Next time I’ll try to wrangle a 6 foot high-schooler with a big dick in a nappy!
PAUL ENTERS.
Speaking of big dicks.
PAUL
You left your door wide open. Any old pervert could walk.
KYLE
So we see.
PAUL
I see you came home.
TOM
Yes.
PAUL
Yes, well Kyle was beside himself with worry.
TOM
I’ll bet.
PAUL
So cynical. What are you looking at?
TOM
We’ve got a baby.
PAUL
With those hips? How could you not?
KYLE
Ben’s nephew.
PAUL
Oh really? And it’s from your family? Then shouldn’t it have a chain around its neck while people pay good money to poke a stick at it? I gotta get a look at this.
BEN
Now if there’s an emergency I’ve got the numbers written down. Doctor, sister, vet if you need one.
TOM
Vet?
BEN
You never know. His food is all labelled so you really don’t have to do a thing. Just feed it, wipe it and waggle your fingers in front of it occasionally. Apparently it likes the telly so put on some porn and it should be an easy night.
WHILST THIS HAS BEN GOING ON PAUL HAS A LOOK AT THE BABY. A BRIGHT GREEN LIGHT AND ROAR COMES FROM THE PRAM WITH GUTTERAL SOUNDS OF A POSSESED DEMON. ”SUCK COCKS IN HELL, MOTHER FUCKER, ETC.” PAUL LOOKS UP TO SEE IF THE OTHERS HAVE NOTICED ANYTHING. THEY ARE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS. THE ONLY PERSON FROM NOW ON THAT SEES THE CHILD POSSESED IS PAUL. HE BACKS AWAY.
PAUL
Did you see that?
KYLE
See what?
PAUL
That! That! What that kid did?
KYLE
What did it do? Star jumps?
TOM
Take out a mortgage?
BEN
Look interested in your conversation?
KYLE
Now that would be impressive.
PAUL
How old’s this kid again?
BEN
Eighteen months.
PAUL
Well, for an eighteen month old he’s got a filthy mouth. It could make a sailor blush.
BEN
Listen, Princess Dreary, what are you talking about?
PAUL
Apart from a love of percussion ensembles and fire-eating what else has that dyke sister of yours been teaching it?
BEN
The kid just makes noises. Mum and num-nums. That’s probably about it.
KYLE
Sounds like most homosexuals I know.
PAUL
Really?
PAUL LOOKS IN THE PRAM. THERE IS A STRONG GROWLING LIKE A VICIOUS DOG.
This kid is fucked!
TOM
You can’t say that about a child.
PAUL
This is no child. This…thing is evil. Does no one see it? I can’t be the only one.
BEN
Maybe someone slipped something inside her drink last night. It’s a delayed reaction and she’s freaking out now.
KYLE
Paul, get a hold of yourself.
PAUL
What? Oh. Of course. I’m sorry. I must be over tired. That’s it.
BEN
Listen, we have to turn the lighting down and conveniently walk out of the room for a moment…so he stays asleep. Can you watch the kid?
PAUL
Watch the kid?
KYLE
Yeah. We’ll just be a moment. Are you okay with that?
PAUL
Of course.
THEY EXIT.
PAUL
Bastards!
HE STARTS TO MOVE CLOSER TO THE PRAM.
You’re just a kid. You can’t hurt anyone. Christ you can’t even get out of your pram or you’re your arse without someone’s help. I don’t know why I was so scared by you. Look at you. So…though it sticks in my throat….cute. What could you possibly do to anyone?
THERE IS A LOW RUMBLE WITH THE GREEN LIGHT COMING OUT OF THE PRAM STRAIGHT AT PAUL. PAUL STANDS FOR A MOMENT. HIS EYES LOOK TOWARDS THE PRAM.
PAUL
Hello. You look harmless. Listen kid...[SLIGHT SPANISH ACCENT] You no bother me, I no bother you, okay?
THERE IS WHISPERING OF VOICES COMING FROM THE PRAM.
PAUL
I'm not listening. It's just the poppers. I've snorted too much.
PAUL GOES AND LOOKS IN.
PAUL
Look at you. You're just a sprog. Couldn't hurt a fly.
MORE WHISPERING. GETS LOUDER THE STAGE GOES DARKER AND THE SOUNDS GET LOUDER WITH MUSIC FROM THE OMEN AND EXORCIST, MULTIPLE VOICES ETC COMING FROM THE PRAM. THE STAGE LIGHTING DROPS. PAUL BACKS AWAY FROM THE PRAM AS THE LIGHTING GETS DARKER STILL UNTIL IT IS ALMOST BLACK LIGHT THEATRE LEVEL.
ONE OF THE ACTORS COMES ON IN BLACK THEATRE GARB. HE PULLS THE PRAM BACK AND IT MOVES OFFSTAGE FOR A MOMENT. TWO BIRDS ENTER FLYING ON RODS HELD BY OTHER ACTORS. THEY SWOOP ABOUT PAUL. AFTER A FEW DIVES THEY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER BY ACCIDENT. SLIGHT SWEARING AS THEY BACK AWAY AND OFF.
THE PRAM IS PUSHED BACK ON AGAIN BY AN ACTOR IN DISTRESS. ANOTHER ACTOR RUSHES OUT AND TURNS THE ACTOR’S BALACLAVA AROUND THE RIGHT WAY.
ACTOR 3
Thank you. I could breathe!
HE EXITS AS THE PRAM MOVES AROUND THE STAGE AND STARTS CHASING AFTER PAUL. THE ACTOR TRIPS
ACTOR 3
Fucking hell!
PAUL STOPS.
ACTOR 1
Move it you fuckwit!
ACTOR 2
I can’t see a fucking thing.
ACTOR 1
Shoosh!
THE ACTOR WITH THE PRAM LIMPS AROUND THE STAGE CHASING PAUL THEN LIMPS OFF. THE OTHER TWO ACTORS COME ON.
ACTOR 1
Where’s the bottle?
ACTOR 2
I could find it. I can’t see anything backstage.
ACTOR 1
Well, just improvise.
THEY START FLAPPING THEIR ARMS ABOUT AS IF CARRYING A LARGE PROP. THE PRAM COMES ON AS THEY EXIT AND COMES UP TOWARDS PAUL.
THE OTHERS RE-ENTER AND PICK THE PRAM UP AND IT FLIES ABOUT BEHIND PAUL, CHASING HIM AS HE RUNS ON THE SPOT. PAUL VEERS OFFSTAGE AS THE PRAM FLIES ACROSS THE STAGE AND OFF. PAUL RUNS ACROSS UPSTAGE IN SLOW MOTION AND IS LIFTED A FEW TIMES BY THE OTHERS.
ACTOR 2
Fuck she’s a heavy bitch!
ACTOR 1
And she stinks like arse! At least you got the good end!
THE PRAM ENTERS AND SITS STILL AS PAUL IS RUSHED BACK ON STAGE TO DO A BIT OF CREATIVE MOMENT, AS IF BEING PULLED FROM EITHER SIDE. THE LIGHT GLOWS FROM THE PRAM AGAIN.
A SPOTLIGHT FLIES FROM OUT OF THE PRAM, UP OVER THE TOP OF THE STAGE THEN DROPS ONTO PAUL. HE TURNS GREEN, SCREAMS.
PAUL
Ahhhh!!!
THEY ALL RUN OFF STAGE IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS AS PAUL FALLS INTO A HEAP ACROSS THE FLOOR AS THE LIGHTS DROP TO BLACKOUT
ACTOR 3
[OFF STAGE] Jesus, she scared the crap out of me.
LIGHTS UP ON BEN AND TOM. TOM IS ROCKING THE PRAM.
TOM
He’s cute.
BEN
If you’re into that sort of thing. So, where did you go?
TOM
I went to my ex wife’s.
BEN
Really?
TOM
Don’t worry. She has a new boyfriend.
BEN
What did you do?
TOM
We just stayed up talking all night.
BEN
What about?
TOM
Well, kids and Kyle mostly. You know.
BEN
Well, best keep that to yourself. He gets a bit overwrought. He’s a bit of a deer in the headlights at the best of times.
TOM
I know. I think we both are these days.
BEN
Can I ask you something?
TOM
Sure.
BEN
You’re absolutely certain you want to have a kid?
TOM
I don’t know. Kyle really seems keen. I like kids. Hah. My wife was a little pissed off when I told her our plans. She wanted to have one with me for years but we never got around to it. Probably for the best.
BEN
Well for what it’s worth I think you’d make a great dad.
TOM
Yeah?
BEN
Yeah.
TOM
Thanks.
KYLE COMES BACK IN.
BEN
Where’s Paul?
KYLE
He’s running around the backyard, babbling something about bees in his hair and asking if we have a set of 12 identical knives.
BEN
Great.
KYLE
So.
TOM
So.
BEN
Well this is a meeting of the minds. Obviously I don’t want to get in the middle of such scintillating conversation. I’ll just take junior and go wrangle Paul. And Kyle?
KYLE
Yes?
BEN
Try not to go mental for five minutes. You don’t want him rushing off to his wife again.
KYLE
What?
TOM
Oh fuck.
BEN
Sorry. Forget I said anything. Did I say wife? I meant counsellor.
KYLE
You went to your ex-wife’s?
TOM
Yes. So?
KYLE
The first sign of trouble and you run to her?
TOM
I didn’t run to anyone.
KYLE
What fuckwit goes running back to their ex-wife?
TOM
Hey, don’t call me a fuckwit.
BEN
I might just step out to the backyard for a moment.
BEN EXITS.
KYLE
And why go to her?
TOM
Because I can talk to her. She’s not judgmental. She understands me and doesn’t feel the need to criticise me every 5 minutes.
KYLE
I don’t do that.
TOM
Bullshit. You’ve always been a bossy little bastard. You’ve been carrying on like some paranoid lunatic for months now.
KYLE
And yet you still married me?
TOM
It’s not a real marriage.
KYLE
It is to me. We’re together. We’re a couple. Did you have sex with her?
TOM
Why would you think the first thing I’d do is try and have sex with another person?
KYLE
Because we haven’t had sex for months so you must be backing up. You need an outlet.
TOM
Not that badly.
KYLE
So did you?
TOM
Are you insane? No. She’s got a boyfriend. He was in the house at the time.
KYLE
I wouldn’t think that would stop you.
TOM
We sat and talked.
KYLE
All night?
TOM
No. She kicked me out after 3am. I came home and slept in the chook shed.
KYLE
And I’m supposed to believe that?
TOM
Believe what you want.
KYLE
What did you talk about?
TOM
Mostly about you.
KYLE
Well it’s always nice to be talked about behind your back.
TOM
I just wanted to talk to someone other than my parents or your friends.
KYLE
Maybe you should’ve talked to me.
TOM
Yes, that’s so easy sometimes.
KYLE
And if you’re going to run off to your ex every time we have a fight…
TOM
I’m just tired of fighting you all the time over stupid little things. If we break up I want it to be over something huge.
KYLE
We’re breaking up?
TOM
With the way things have been going do you really see us lasting much longer?
KYLE
Yes.
TOM
I wish I had your confidence. Kyle, listen to me and I mean really listen to me. I don’t want someone else. I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. I’m not in love with anyone else. I love you and I don’t want to share you with anyone. Not even a kid.
KYLE
What?
TOM
I’m sorry.
KYLE
You don’t want to have a kid?
TOM
Not really.
KYLE
Then why did you…
TOM
Because I saw how happy it was making you. After your accident the only thing that seemed to excite you was talking about having our own kid. I didn’t want to let you down by saying no. In the end I didn’t even want to have one with my wife.
KYLE
I see.
KYLE STARTS TO EXIT.
TOM
Where are you going?
KYLE
I need some air.
TOM
Okay.
KYLE EXITS. TOM GOES AND SITS DOWN FOR A MOMENT. AFTER A WHILE BEN POPS HIS HEAD IN.
BEN
All clear on the western front?
TOM
Yes.
BEN
I’m really sorry.
TOM
For what?
BEN
For blabbing about your wife. I know that’s the last thing you need. I think I have a touch of Paul’s disease.
TOM
Hey. I would’ve told him eventually and we would still be having the same fight.
BEN
As long as you’re sure. Will you two be okay?
TOM
Honestly I don’t know.
BEN
Listen. I’m going to go.
TOM
Go?
BEN
Yes. And I’m taking the kid as well. Shit, why does that sound like Days Of Our Lives? “Blair, we need to talk.” I think you two need some time alone to rethink this.
TOM
Where is he?
BEN
Sitting out in the chook shed.
TOM
I see.
PAUL ENTERS PUSHING THE PRAM WITH A GLAZED LOOK IN HIS EYES. HE IS DEATHLY PALE.
TOM
Is Paul alright?
PAUL
The power in Christ compels you. The power in Christ compels you.
BEN
Yes. I think he’s bonded with the kid quite well.
PAUL
We need to stop at a church.
THEY EXIT. THE LIGHTS CHANGE AS TOM COMES UP AND SITS NEXT TO KYLE. THEY SAY NOTHING FOR A MOMENT.
KYLE
I’m sorry.
TOM
No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I thought I could do this but I was wrong.
KYLE
I think we both were wrong. We should’ve maybe given it a bit more thought. We rushed in right from our honeymoon and all that other shit when what we should have done is stop and take a step back to get a bit of perspective. Maybe it was for the best.
TOM
Can we put it on the backburner for a little while?
KYLE
What’s a little while?
TOM
Maybe five years?
KYLE
Do you think we’ll last five years?
TOM
Honestly? I don’t know. Hopefully…yes. I tell you what…if we haven’t killed each other in 5 years then it’s definitely something we should put back on the table.
KYLE
Maybe make it 10 years.
TOM
I think our child bearing days will be over but okay, ten.
PAUSE.
KYLE
I still love you, you know.
TOM
And I still love you. That should be enough for the time being.
THEY KISS AND HOLD HANDS.
KYLE
Maybe we should get a cat.
TOM
A cat? You are so gay.
KYLE
That could be true. [PAUSE] We have to let the surrogate know ASAP.
TOM
Of course. I’ll get Michael to call her this morning.
KYLE
What happens if she’s already pregnant?
TOM
We’ll jump of that bridge when we come to it.
THE OTHERS ENTERS. THEY ALL CHANGE TO SHARONS.
SHARON 1
Fuck me dead.
SHARON
What Sharon?
SHARON 1
Those guys?
SHARON 2
What guys?
SHARON 1
The ones who want the kid.
SHARON 2
What about them?
SHARON 1
They just sent me a text message.
SHARON 4
On your phone?
SHARON 1
Yeah Sharon. They’ve decided they don’t want to have the kid after all.
SHARON 2
What?
SHARON 3
Bullshit Sharon.
SHARON 2
They can’t do that. She’s already preggers. Did you tell them that?
SHARON 1
I was gonna tell them tomorrow. I thought I’d wait a week in case her guts drops out.
SHARON 2
Well you better tell them now. Text ‘em back. We want the rest of that money.
SHARON 3
Yeah. We’ve already done enough for them.
SHARON 1
They said they might think about it in a few years.
SHARON 3
Well tell them it’s too late.
SHARON 1
I’m doing it now.
SHE STARTS TEXTING.
SHARON 2
Yeah. Besides, I don’t think I want to go through all that again.
SHARON 4
Me neither. I don’t think I could swallow that stuff again.
SHARON 1
What?
SHE STOPS TEXTING.
SHARON 3
What are you talking about?
SHARON 4
That stuff in the turkey baster. I could hardly keep it down. It tasted revolting.
SHARON 2
Tasted?
SHARON 4
Yeah.
SHARON 3
You drank it?
SHARON 4
Yeah, of course. I swallowed it with a bottle of Coopers Pale Ale.
SHARON 1
You fucking dumb bitch. You weren’t supposed to drink it. You were supposed to stick it up your cootch.
SHARON 4
That’s disgusting. Why would I do that?
SHARON 2
To get pregnant.
SHARON 3
So she’s not pregnant?
SHARON 4
Yes I am. I feel it growing inside me already.
SHARON 1
You dumb mole. You’re not pregnant. Not to the guys paying us anyway.
SHARON 4
But I’m getting bigger. My tits are getting huge.
SHARON 1
You’re just a fat slag.
SHARON 2
Couldn’t we just say it was theirs anyway? They won’t know.
SHARON 1
Of course they will. You have to do blood tests and everything.
SHARON 3
That’s clever.
SHARON 1
Who else have you done it with?
SHARON 4
Hardly anyone.
SHARON 3
What about your boyfriend?
SHARON 1
Boyfriend?
SHARON 4
Oh yeah. Him.
SHARON 3
And those guys at the bar a few weeks ago. What did you do with them?
SHARON 4
Hardly nothing. They just fucked me.
SHARON 1
You stupid bitch. That’s how you get pregnant.
SHARON 4
What? When someone fucks you? That’s amazing. Boy. Aren’t I lucky? Good thing my mum and dad had me fixed when I was thirteen.
SHARON 2
What?
SHARON 4
Yeah. They said it was to stop any accidents. Otherwise I would’ve been preggers hundreds of times. As if.
SHARON 2
You filthy fucking custard guts! You just cost us ten thousand bucks!
SHE PUNCHES SHARON 4 IN THE BELLY.
SHARON 4
Don’t! You could hurt the baby. Hang on. Ooh. I think I’m gonna have it now.
SHARON 2
What?
SHARON 4
Yeah. It’s coming. And it’s your fault Sharon. You shouldn’t have hit me. Ow. It hurts. It hurts. It…
SHE SINKS TO THE GROUND.
SHARON 2
Oh shit. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
SHARON 3
Good thing you don’t wear knickers!
SHARON 4
Here it comes.
SHARON 1
Breathe!
SHE LETS OUT AN ENORMOUS FART. HER BELLY DEFLATES SLIGHTLY.
SHARON 4
Oh.
SHE SMELLS THE AIR.
SHARON 4
Must have been the goat vindaloo I had a few weeks ago. Wondered when that was gonna come out.
THEY GET UP AND START TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HER.
BLACKOUT
END PLAY