Four Queens in Hawaiian Shirts
By Steven Dawson [2nd Edition]
Characters
Kyle
Ben
Michael
Paul
Harry
Lois
Shirley
Check in Clerk
Tom
The Sharons
The Craigs
First Performed Tues 31st Aug
Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre
Melbourne Australia
Ben, Harry, Craig 1 & Sharon 1 & Others Adrian Corbett
Paul, Lois, Sharon 2, Craig 2 & Others Jacob Boehme
Michael, Tom, Check In Clerk, Sharon 3, Craig 3 & Others Justin Hosking
Kyle, Shirley, Sharon 4, Craig 4 & Others Matt Osborn
2ND EDITION featured the Byron characters and actor Sean Gunn as Paul & Others
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RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT
P.O. Box 445 Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone [02] 9281 9622 Fax [02] 9212 7100
raftos@raftos.com.au
Copyright © 2004 Steven Dawson. 2nd Edition Copyright © June 2005
Four Queens in Hawaiian Shirts [2nd Edition]
Part One
PROLOGUE
STAGE IS IN DARKNESS. SOUNDTRACK FROM BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND AS LIGHTS COME UP ON KYLE SITTING DOWNSTAGE IN A CHAIR LOOKING AT A TV SCREEN, THE REFLECTION ILLUMINATING HIS FACE. HE STARES INTENTLY. THE SONG MOON RIVER STARTS TO PLAY AT THE END OF THE FILM. KYLE BURSTS IN TO UNCONTROLLABLE TEARS. THE LIGHTS COME UP ON THE OTHERS UPSTAGE
BEN
Oh my god…how long has he been like this?
MICHAEL
3 weeks
BEN
That bastard.
MICHAEL
I told you he was upset. Four times…I told you.
PAUL
He’s a wreck.
BEN
We have to do something. We can’t let him go on like this.
PAUL
Fuck him, why should we help him? He got himself into this mess. I warned him at least five times…
MICHAEL
Oh, you’re such a saint.
PAUL
Don’t start on me.
MICHAEL
Well, we have to get him away.
PAUL
Are you sure that’s wise? He’s gonna spoil our holiday. He’s such a downer.
BEN
He got dumped, you selfish fuck pig. He’s fragile!
PAUL
Exactly. Not the right frame of mind for a holiday,
BEN
Exactly the right frame of mind.
BEN RUSHES DOWNSTAGE TO HIM
BEN
Kyle, honey…look at me. Can you hear me?
PAUL
He’s dead! Cut him loose. He’s gonna ruin it for all of us!
BEN
He’s in the room you know. He can hear. And he’s not gonna ruin anything. Are you, Kyle? You’re gonna be a good boy and come on this holiday and go riding and swimming and surfing and you’re gonna be happy because if you don’t I’m gonna take a knife and cut you from arse to armpit.
KYLE
I don’t want to go away.
MICHAEL
Yes you do.
KYLE
I think it’s a mistake.
MOVING DOWN TO HIM
PAUL
It’s the perfect time. Sun, sand and surf. Lots of hunky guys, big, bronzed and buffed. And they’re gonna love you and you’re gonna love them and if the mood’s right we’re gonna take turns loving them. [TO MICHAEL] We share right? Right?! No hogging the hunks!
BEN
Oh shut up, you forest slag. We haven’t even gotten in the cab and she’s got that manic look in her eyes.
MICHAEL
I’m surprised you can see that with all those blood vessels bursting. What time did you get in? You look dreadful.
BEN
He always looks like that. Like he woke up in a dumpster.
PAUL
It just so happens, smart arse, that I haven’t been to bed in 32 hours. I wanted to sleep on the plane.
BEN
It’s a 3 hour flight. How much rest did you think you could cram into it?
PAUL
I wanna be asleep at check in. I hate flying. Why couldn’t we drive up there? Driving is so nice. It’s pleasant, it’s civilised. You get to see the scenery, truck stops, public parks; it’s all laid out for you.
MICHAEL
So you can get all out laid? Forget it. We’re booked, we’re paid up, and we’re flying.
BEN
Kyle? Are you okay? Do you want anything? Is there anything I can get you? A glass of water, a drink…
PAUL
A gun shot wound to the temple?
KYLE
I’ll be fine.
HE BURSTS INTO TEARS AGAIN. CAR HORN
ALL
Taxi!
BEN
Kyle…we have to go. The taxi’s waiting and you know you need this more than any of us. So he dumped you…again. There’s worse things that could happen.
MICHAEL
Like missing a flight.
BEN
But this trip away will give you a chance to see the world again through pina colada eyes. Everything looks much better that way. You’ll be lazing on sun drenched beaches and eyeing off sun drenched tourists…all men, free and not married, ready to know that wonder that is Kyle.
PAUL & MICHAEL
Jesus!
BEN
And that’s the one thing that will definitely take your mind off that scum bag…what was his name? See, I can’t even remember it already.
PAUL
Steve, wasn’t it?
KYLE BURSTS INTO TEARS AGAIN
BEN
[GLARING AT PAUL] He’s no-one, nothing. He’s history. So let’s get those flabby thighs out into the sun and up over your ears. Two days with your feet up and you feel like a new man.
MICHAEL
Or two.
BEN
It’s what you need, sweetheart. It’s the only way.
CAR HORN
ALL
Taxi!!
BEN
So please do this for yourself. Get ready and let’s take that holiday like we all planned.
KYLE
I…
BEN
Wonderful. Bags in the car?
MICHAEL
You’re the last one.
BEN
Come on, Kyle honey. Let’s go.
HE STARTS TO WALK KYLE UPSTAGE. KYLE MOVES HIS FEET LIKE THEY ARE LEADEN.
That’s right. One hoof in front of the other.
MICHAEL
Is he gonna be okay?
KYLE LOOKS AT BEN AS THEY WALK UPSTAGE THEN BURSTS INTO TEARS
BEN
They’re tears of joy. Now move your arse!
BLACKOUT
MUSIC: FRANK SINATRA SINGS ‘COME FLY WITH ME’ THE BOYS ALL STAND IN POSE FOR A FEW LINES OF THE SONG THEN CHANGE POSE. HALF WAY INTO THE SONG THEY ALL COME ALIVE, SELECTING OUTFITS THEN THEY START MIMING THE NUMBER AS LOUNGE SINGERS. THE MUSIC FADES OUT AND YOU CAN HEAR THEM SINGING BADLY OFF KEY. THEY LOOK EMBARRASSED.
MICHAEL
Packing.
PAUL
Packing.
BEN
Packing.
KYLE
Packing.
MICHAEL
What to wear.
PAUL
Vacation wear.
BEN
Easy wear.
KYLE
Ready to tear.
MICHAEL
Washable.
PAUL
Something light.
BEN
Flowery.
KYLE
No flannelette.
MICHAEL
Damn!
PAUL
2 hours till flight time.
BEN
Shit.
MICHAEL
Ooh.
KYLE
Getting nervous.
MICHAEL
Getting hyper.
PAUL
Getting horny.
BEN
Getting nauseous.
KYLE
Gosh I hope they bump me.
ALL
They need to bump me.
MICHAEL
3 hours in economy I’ll kill myself.
PAUL
Better be a queen at check in.
KYLE
What are the chances?
BEN
[TO PAUL] And you...watch yourself. Don’t be a smart arse.
PAUL
I don’t know what you’re on about.
BEN
You know exactly what I’m on about. Keep your yap shut. You’re not the most subtle of Munchkins. You’ve got all the delicacy of a puff adder.
KYLE
Only not as pretty.
PAUL
Jesus, she’s talking again. [TO BEN] What are you saying?
BEN
I’m saying let me handle it. We all know how friendly you are with service staff.
PAUL
I’m lovely to everyone. But please, if you can do better then go right ahead.
BEN
Not a word, twit.
MICHAEL SWITCHES TO CHECK IN CLERK
CHECK IN CLERK
Hi fellas. How are we, today?
BEN
We’re fine. Thanks how are you?
CHECK IN CLERK
Fabulous thanks. And where are you boys heading off for today?
BEN
Off to Cairns.
CHECK IN CLERK
Baggage?
BEN
Yes, but we’re taking her anyway.
THEY SHARE A LAUGH
PAUL
Oh Jesus.
CHECK IN CLERK
Window or aisle?
BEN
Whatever you can find.
CHECK IN CLERK
Would you like something upfront or would you [LEWDLY] prefer it up the back.
BEN
We’re quite flexible.
CHECK IN CLERK
Oh?
BEN
Whatever you’ve got going. We trust you. You decide.
CHECK IN CLERK
Deep vein or non deep vein?
BEN
We’re easy.
CHECK IN CLERK
And just where-bouts in Cairns are you naughty boys off to?
BEN
Oh just some resort.
CHECK IN CLERK
Really? A resort? And you’ve left your wives behind? Girlfriends, close female friends, mother…and it’s just the four of you?
BEN
That’s right
CHECK IN CLERK
Well, we can’t let you boys arrive at this resort all cramped and sweaty with the working classes ,can we? Let’s see what we have up front for our special friends.
BEN
We’d be ever so grateful. But don’t put yourself out. We’re easy to please.
CHECK IN CLERK
A resort with you four on the rampage. How wild is that? So what kind of resort is this? Are there lots of guys going to this place without their girlfriends, close female friends, mothers?
PAUL LUSHES BEN OUT OF THE WAY
PAUL
Listen, Shirley, if you’re asking whether these two are fags then yes. They’re sissier than a sou-wester. Now I know it’s fun for you and your friends on the baggage belt to play spot the foo-foo burger but we’re tired and looking for a little bit of comfort so do us a favour, Mary, and have a look at the little computer thingy you got going there and see if there’s any chance there might be something in first you can bump us to. There’s a love.
CHECK IN CLERK
Actually I’ve just had a look again and that was a different flight. Aw. Your seats will be in row 58. Enjoy your flight.
THEY ALL GLARE AT PAUL
BEN
Ah...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
THEY SWITCH TO THE SHARONS
SHARON 4
Oh my god, oh my god.
SHARON 1
Sharon, hurry up!
SHARON 2
Shut up Sharon.
SHARON 4
This is so great!
SHARON 1
Will you stop saying that? All the way in the bloody taxi “This is so great.” We know it's great. I'm gonna kill you.
SHARON 3
Ooh guys look over there.
SHARON 2
What? Where? What are we looking at?
SHARON 3
Those men. Please let them go on the same flight. Please, please, please.
SHARON 2
Where have you been Sharon?
SHARON 3
In the shitter, Sharon. Hey, Sharon guess what?
SHARON 1
What Sharon?
SHARON 3
There’s four really nice guys up front and they ain't got no girls with ‘em
SHARON 4
Where?
SHARON 2
What’s the matter?
SHARON 4
Sharon was just saying there’s four guys and no moles.
SHARON 2
Hey Sharon.
SHARON 1
What?
SHARON 2
Sharon and Sharon say there’s four guys over there and they haven’t any bitches with ‘em.
SHARON 1
So, Sharon who gives a flying f…
SHARON 4
Sharon, on the plane lets all order a glass of bubbly?
SHARON 3
Jeez, Louise, get a grip! We're not even there on the plane yet and you've got root fever. Where are your balls?
SHARON 4
I've got them on my carry-on.
SHARON 1
You'll get bored.
SHARON 4
I'll be fine.
SHARON 1
It’s a three hour flight. You'll be bored and then you'll start talking. You'll start talking and you won't stop and you’ll never shut up and I'll have to thump you [SHARON 4 GIGGLES] and stop giggling!
THEY SWITCH TO HARRY, LOIS, SHIRLEY AND THE CHECK IN CLERK. SHIRLEY IS VERY QUIET AND STANDS THERE CHEWING HER HAIR.
LOIS
Harry. C’mon move it. We'll miss our flight. We’re gonna be late.
HARRY
Late shmate. They ain't going nowhere. Stop your nagging. Jeez, my friggin' feet are killing me. I gotta change my shoes or my socks or something and let ‘em air out but I’m afraid if I do then I betcha birds are gonna start dropping from the sky. I should have taken them off back in Auckland when I had the chance. The airport smelt like a damn toilet. Who would've noticed?
LOIS
Well keep your damn socks on till we get to the resort. Because you ain’t getting on the plane with no shoes.
HARRY
Why not?
LOIS
Why not, he asks! Because I have to sit next to you and the last thing I need is
swamp gas clogging my nostrils.
HARRY
I tell you this Lois, I’m gonna take my shoes off and stick ‘em in the john if I
have to. They’re burning up.
LOIS
Stop your complaining.
HARRY
I’m gonna ask the guy.
LOIS
Harry, you ain’t gonna do no such thing.
HARRY
He's not gonna mind.
LOIS
He's gonna mind.
HARRY
He won't.
LOIS
I’m telling you he will.
HARRY
Hey pal, is it okay to take my shoes off?
CHECK IN CLERK
No.
HARRY
Okay, so I just thought I’d ask.
CHECK IN CLERK
Hi. Where are you headed?
HARRY
Headed? I forget. Queensland? Queensland. That’s where we're headed. It's someplace up north. You heard of it?
CHECK IN CLERK
Once or twice. And where abouts in Queensland is that exactly?
HARRY
Meaning?
CHECK IN CLERK
Well, is there anywhere in particular you want us to dump you? Queensland is a pretty big place.
LOIS
It is?
SHIRLEY MUMBLES.
CHECK IN CLERK
I’m sorry. What was that?
LOIS
She says Cairns. Cairns? Is that a place?
CHECK IN CLERK
Er... yes.
LOIS
Shirley, stop chewing your hair.
HARRY
We're going to Tortoise Beach?
CHECK IN CLERK
Tortoise Beach?
LOIS
Oh. You've heard of it?
CHECK IN CLERK
Uh, yes…but…
HARRY
Say, pal, I hope I ain’t out of line here but this place? Tortoise Beach? They got plenty of fellas?
CHECK IN CLERK
Are you asking for yourself?
HARRY
For myself? What kinda fruit do I look like? No, I’m asking for my daughter Shirley? Shirley, stop chewing your hair.
CHECK IN CLERK
Uh, I don’t think you’ll have a problem finding any men up there but…
HARRY
That’s great. Coz I promised Shirley a big bronzed Aussie.
LOIS
Flew half way round the world just to do it. Find a fella for our Shirley, that is. She saw a picture in a magazine and hasn’t been able to stop talking about it. Ain’t that right Shirley?
SHE SAYS NOTHING
HARRY
Never stops blabbing about. “I want an Ossie,” she keeps telling us. Ain’t that right, Shirley?
SHIRLEY GIGGLES MANIACALLY THEN STARTS CHEWING HER HAIR AGAIN
CHECK IN CLERK
Gate 32 and enjoy your flight….Oh Jee-suss!
HE SWINGS AROUND. TWO BECOME GREETERS TO THE FLIGHT, WELCOMING THE PASSENGERS. THE OTHERS REVOLVE PAST THEM AS COMMUTERS. “LOT’S OF HI, ARE YOU? ROW 32 ON THE LEFT.” HI, HOW ARE YOU? ROW 17 ON THE RIGHT” THEY MOVE INTO POSITION AS THE TANNOY RINGS. THEY MIME A FLIGHT SAFETY ROUTINE
VOICE OVER
Welcome aboard Flight Blah, Blah, Blah to Cairns. My name is Jackie, Head Purser and assisting you today in First Class will be Flight attendants, Damon, Charles, Michael, James, Kurt and in economy...Maureen. Our flight time to Cairns will be approx 3 hours and by the end of it, the aircraft will reek of BO, the toilets will be chockers or out of action and so will most of the flight crew. Should you require any assistance please hesitate before pressing the attendant button 'coz Maureen has her period and the boys up front have just come from a dance party and don't give a fuck.
While we taxi out to the runway and wait 20mins doing absolutely bugger-all please watch the crew member in front of you during our safety demonstration. In the unlikely event that we should experience an emergency such as plunging into the Coral Sea, angle parking halfway up a mountain or running out of the house red, the emergency exits are two at the rear, two over the wings and one at the front, depending on whether the front fuselage is still intact. The faggots worth noting are one at the back, 6 at the front and four queens in row 58 with only one worth shagging.
In the back of the seat in front of you, between the old newspapers, half filled sick bag and 3 week old orange peel you will find our safety instructions. Please take a few moments to read or pick your teeth with as the person before may have done. During our flight today we will be serving something in a cardboard box that may or may not be edible or can be used as a floatation device. Thank you for flying Mince Air
THEY BECOME THE GREETERS AGAIN
“Thank You. Good Bye. Thank You”
THEY COLLAPSE AS THE LAST PASSENGERS DISEMBARK. THE BOYS BACKTRACK DOWNSTAGE. THEY ALL HAVE SUNGLASSES ON. THEY LOOK AROUND
BEN
There’s a problem.
PAUL
Oh, I’m loving the sound of this. What do you mean there‘s a problem?
BEN
Just that. There’s a problem…about the resort.
MICHAEL
What about the resort?
PAUL
It’s burnt down? Is that it? It’s burnt down?
BEN
No, it’s not that. It’s worse.
KYLE
Worse than burnt down?
BEN
It’s straight.
MICHAEL
Straight?
PAUL
Straight?
BEN
Uh-huh.
KYLE
What mean this word…straight?
MICHAEL
Oh that’s ridiculous. How can it be straight?
PAUL
Easy. You put a bunch of heterosexuals in one place it becomes straight.
MICHAEL
But that’s impossible. We booked into a gay resort. It said on the internet. Sun, sand, frolicking faggots and clothing optional spa tubs. It never said anything about snuggling up with a breeder.
BEN
Well, what can I say? Eight weeks ago when we booked, it was gay. But that’s a long time in gay resorts apparently. They open and close so quickly up here.
KYLE
That’s because the only thing queens can commit to is a skin care regimen.
PAUL
Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe it’s still gay and they’re all just hiding under the palm leaves or something.
BEN
Yes. I have nothing better to do than lie about this sort of thing.
MICHAEL
You know, you get really ugly lines around your mouth when you get smug.
KYLE
So it’s not a gay resort?
BEN
It was. It ain’t no more.
MICHAEL
I want my money back.
BEN
That’s the other thing. No refunds apparently.
PAUL
A straight resort? It’s enough to make you hurl. Don’t these fuckers have enough of their own?
MICHAEL
But that’s not right. That’s miss…miss respondent… miss...
PAUL
Don’t say it honey if you can’t spell it.
MICHAEL
Misrepresentation. That’s what it is. There’s a law against that, isn’t there?
BEN
Not if it’s in the small print. Management have the right to change the theme of the resort without notice.
PAUL
So now being gay is a theme?
MICHAEL
Are you sure?
TWO SHARONS WALK PAST
SHARON 3
Oh my gawd, it’s the guys for the plane. Hi fellas. Let’s have a drink later on.
SHARON 4
Geez, what a bunch of spunks!
THEY CHANGE BACK TO THE BOYS
BEN
Pretty sure.
PAUL
I’m gonna sit in my room and make love to the mini bar.
MICHAEL
[CRYING] But we were promised sun, sand and sling action. Not two weeks with Ma and Pa Kettle peeling off dead skin in the spa tub. Where’s the hunky lifeguard sweeping me up in his arms while I gaze down at the Speedos riding up his crack? The gorgy barman wanting to get it on behind the barrels while I pop his keg? I need some man on man action or I’ll be swinging from the light fittings before the day’s out.
PAUL
You’re loving this, aren’t you?
BEN
I don’t know what you mean.
PAUL
[CRYING] I’ll bet you don’t. I’ll bet you knew about this from the get go. You planned this just to piss me off.
BEN
Yes. It’s taken me 3 months of forethought just because I wanted to fuck you over.
PAUL
Ahah! He admits it!
BEN
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
PAUL
Two weeks in Breederville, Kentucky does not a faggy holiday make.
BEN
[CRYING] Well, Dweeb, we’re stuck here, we can’t get our money back and we’re 43 kilometres from the airport so why don’t you stow your knock off Louis Vuitton hat boxes and your gnarly disposition for a few days and make the most of it. Remember we’re also here for Kyle.
PAUL
Kyle, I hate you.
KYLE
Thanks.
HE BURSTS INTO TEARS
MICHAEL
And here we are in Sunny Queensland.
THERE IS A CRACK OF THUNDER AND THE SOUND OF A LARGE TROPICAL DOWNPOUR.
PAUL
Kill me now.
BEN
Gladly.
BLACKOUT
MUSIC: THE BEST DISCO IN TOWN. THE BOYS SIT ON STOOLS WATCHING THE PASSING CROWDS. AFTER A WHILE…
PAUL
My God, will you take a look at that.
MICHAEL
That’s a lot of arse for one person.
PAUL
Looks like someone’s strapped a lounge suite to her hips.
BEN
Are you two gonna spend the whole holiday slagging everyone off.
PAUL
Is that a problem?
BEN
No, just wanted to clarify.
MICHAEL
Ever have one of those moments when you walk down the street and you look at the straights walking past you and you’re wondering what sort of lives they must lead and then all of a sudden you get some kind flash? Just how mundane and deadly and so predictable it all must be because there’s no fabulousness in their lives and you wanna lean into the gutter and vomit ‘cause you can’t imagine anything as boring as that? Ever have one of those moments?
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM THEN…
PAUL
Thank you, Michael. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique observation. Now drop dead, you great Nelly.
BEN
Glad to see you’re feeling better.
KYLE
I’m okay.
BEN
Of course you are. You just have to be positive.
KYLE
I am. I’m positive he was a lying sack of crap with his head up his arse. And I’m positive I’d like to drive a front end loader over the top of his cheap hair plugs and tweezered eyebrows. Is that positive enough?
BEN
[LOOKING AT OTHERS] I guess we’ve moved on to the anger part of the seven stages.
PAUL
Wake me when we get to the “Need lots of alcohol and sex with strangers” bit and I’ll try to feign more interest.
MICHAEL
I thought you told me he was a dud root?
KYLE
He was. But he was my dud root.. During sex I sometimes had to hold a mirror over his breath to see if he’s still with me!
MICHAEL
When you held the mirror did you happen to notice there was no reflection?
BEN
Good God. It’s all just sex with you two, isn’t it?
PAUL
Look out. Nanna’s on her soapbox. Take no notice of her. She’s had her tubes tied.
MICHAEL
Around a lamp post?
PAUL
Back off Betty. We’re on holiday. Now, we need a plan.
HE GRABS MICHAEL AND MOVES DOWNSTAGE
MICHAEL
A plan?
PAUL
Of course. I mean, if we’re gonna cope with this whole straight debacle then it’s all about strategy.
MICHAEL
Strategy?
PAUL
Uh-huh. Since there’s no clothing optional frolics or backroom oil action we have to find ways to amuse ourselves. Now, first plan is the Side Swipe Hot Box Ambush.
MICHAEL
Side Swipe Hot Box Ambush? How does that work?
PAUL
What we do is we wait till one of the better looking straight guys, and that should narrow the field for a start, goes into the sauna. We follow close behind with a six pack of Fosters, talk about sports, then we pounce. Lots of open towels and “gosh it’s getting hot in here. Mind if I lose the robe?” It’ll be like cheetahs on a gazelle.
MICHAEL
But I don’t know anything about sports. Except maybe Olympic diving and the correct camera profile shot.
PAUL
Don’t worry. If worse comes to worse we can always talk about cars or bikes. Straight guys love that shit.
MICHAEL STARES AT HIM BLANKLY
We can talk about movies…but no Barbra or Judy.
MICHAEL
Got it. Well, I’m game.
PAUL
That accounts for the smell. Oh, and by the way…
MICHAEL
Mm?
PAUL
What on earth are you wearing?
MICHAEL
What are talking about?
PAUL
You look like a Tongan bridesmaid.
MICHAEL
I thought it looked pretty good. Not many people can get away with this look.
PAUL
Well I wish you would.
BEN
Jesus. Check out the package on that one.
PAUL
Are you sure there’s just one dick in there?
KYLE
You guys are revolting. Is that all you think about?
PAUL
Is what all we think about?
KYLE
Dicks. Is that the theme for the next fortnight? Back home it’s all we ever hear about. How big? How hung? The everlasting search for the perfect knob.
MICHAEL
Make a great title for a kid’s book.
PAUL
Kyle, I know you’re still upset about being dumped, twice, by Mr Fuck Knuckle but this is our holiday so if you’re going to insist on being some cranky-skanky and put the kybosh on all our girl talk I’m afraid I’ll have to hold you down and drive a stake through your vampire heart.
KYLE
I’m sorry. I think I need another drink.
PAUL
That’s a good idea.
THEY ALL SCREAM AND TURN INTO THE SHARONS
SHARON 1
Oh, my god, look at this place!
SHARON 4
It’s pissing down outside. My hair is gonna be fucked.
SHARON 2
It’s amazing!
SHARON 3
Fucking amazing.
SHARON 4
Check out the DJ. What spunk.
SHARON 3
We should go talk to him.
SHARON 4
Are you crazy?
SHARON 2
See if he’s got Nutbush. I love Nutbush. Or Time warp. I haven’t done that in weeks.
SHARON 1
What sort of music are they playing? I don’t know this stuff.
SHARON 2
Sounds like shit!
SHARON 3
I don’t care. I just wanna dance
ALL
You’ve got no dignity Muriel
SHARON 3
I love that film.
SHARON 4
I loved it too.
SHARON 3
I bet I love it more than you.
SHARON 4
Nu-huh. I love it more.
SHARON 3
You talk shit, Sharon. You know I know all the lines.
SHARON 2
Who cares! I thought we came here to dance.
SHARON 1
I need a drink
SHARON 2
Whose going to the bar?
SHARON 3
I’ll go. Check out the spunk barman.
SHARON 4
He’s probably gay.
SHARON 3
Why would he be gay?
SHARON 4
I heard this place used to be a gay place. For lots of gays. A gay resort for gays. A big, big gay resort.
SHARON 1
Who told you that?
SHARON 3
They don’t have resorts, do they?
SHARON 1
Who cares? Get me a fucking drink!
SHARON 3 RUNS UP TO THE BAR
SHARON 3
Hi. My name’s Sharon. What’s yours? Craig. That’s a nice name. [SHE TURNS AROUND AND TELLS THEM ALL HIS NAME] Yes Craig, I’ll have one pink Nipple, do you have pink nipples…nah, just kidding. One pink nipple, [SHE TURNS AROUND AND THEY ALL MIME GROTESQUELY THE TYPE OF DRINK THEY WANT] One orgasm, one long hard screw… [TWO OF THEM POINT TO THE OTHER SHARON AND INDICATE SHE IS FAT] and a diet coke, thanks. How much is that? $70? That’s cheap isn’t it? How much is without the diet coke? Never mind. Gosh it’s hot in here, isn’t it? Ooh this one’s a bit strong, isn’t it? I better watch myself. A few more of these and I’ll be taking my top if I’m not careful. And that would be outrageous. Oh, it’s the diet coke. Never mind. Thanks Craig. Maybe I’ll see you around. What time do you get off?
THE OTHERS SCREAM AT HER
ALL
Sharon!!!???
SHARON 3
Sorry, gotta go. Cop you later.
SHE RUSHES BACK TO THE OTHERS.
He must be gay.
THEY CHANGE TO LOIS AND SHIRLEY ENTERING.
LOIS
Shirley, honey, will ya’ take a look at this. My, my. I ain’t been in a disco in years. Boy, they haven’t changed a bit. Except maybe the music’s a little too loud. But you know...it’s kinda cute. Don’t ya’ think, Shirley?
HARRY ENTERS, SHAKING THE RAIN OFF HIMSELF.
HARRY
My God, it’s raining cats and friggin’ puppies out there. My socks are soaked already. I’m gonna catch a friggin’ cold, I betcha. Jesus, will ya’ take a look at this. It’s like a friggin’ time warp. Like they’re trapped in the goddamn seventies or something. Please tell me these Ossies are doing it for a joke. Like it’s kitsch or something.
LOIS
Harry, we’re over here.
HARRY
You drag me outta the hotel room for this?
LOIS
I didn’t come ten thousand miles or whatever it is to sit in some hotel room. Harry…Shirley and me, we’re gonna have one of those big cocktails like those girls over there. Shirley, you wanna big cocktail?
SHE NODS VACANTLY
Harry, go get us a drink. We want one of those big, cocktail things.
HARRY
Christ, I just got here.
LOIS
Move it! Shirley’s thirsty and so am I.
HARRY
That true, Shirley? You thirsty, baby?
LOIS
[SCREAMING] Get the damn drinks, Harry!
HARRY
Not a problem. Jesus. What a racket. Why can’t they play something we all know?
HE MOVES TOWARDS THE BAR BUT STARTS TO DANCE
HARRY
Hey, Lois. Check this out. Think I make a hip dude?
LOIS
You’re gonna end up breaking your hip, Harry. And if that happens I’ll leave you flopping all over the dance floor.
HARRY
Hey Lois, how’s about we cut the rug a little and show these youngsters how it’s really done?
LOIS
Harry, the only thing you’re cutting these days is the cheese. You’re gonna embarrass yourself.
HARRY
Oh, lighten up for chrissakes, Lois. There ain’t much going on outside. We may as well make the most of it in here. C’mon, you used to cut quite the figure on the dance floor when we first started dating. Shirley you’re mother was a real swinger back when we first met.
LOIS
That was 30 years ago, for crying out loud.
HARRY
C’mon, let’s get jiggy with it. Shirley, don’t chew your hair.
HE STARTS TO DANCE. LOIS STANDS THERE GLARING AT HIM. HE SLOWLY MOVES TOWARDS ONE OF THE QUEENS WHO GLARES AT HIM. HE MOVES BACK TOWARDS LOIS AND SHIRLEY.
HARRY
Hey, Lois, check out the fag in the floral.
THEY CHANGE TO THE FOUR BOYS
PAUL
I think I wanna die.
BEN
Don’t let us keep you.
MICHAEL
You know when I was young I used to always have this horrible nightmare. It looked just like this.
KYLE
What is that old fart doing?
PAUL
Which old fart are you looking at? There’s a bit of competition out there. I thought they usually went to bed after Wheel Of Fortune?
BEN
I think it’s dancing, Jim, but not as we know it.
KYLE
Is it still raining outside?
MICHAEL
I think so.
KYLE
Good. I think I might go outside and lay on the ground with my mouth open. With a bit of luck I might just drown.
PAUL
It’s what I’ve always wanted.
MICHAEL
Two solid days of rain. Of course we had to pick cyclone season. [TO BEN] I think a little more investigation on weather patterns wouldn’t have gone astray! I wanna die. How can there be so much water? Everything’s damp.
PAUL
Including your brain.
MICHAEL
It’s sticky. There’s not enough hot water, absolutely no eye candy and cane toads all on our patio.
BEN
Wouldn’t be the first toad you’ve humped.
MICHAEL
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
BEN
Nice come back.
MICHAEL
Please let it be sunny tomorrow. Please God, please baby Jesus. I need to get a tan somehow.
BEN
Well, you’ll be on your own. I ain’t donning the Speedos for this lot. What’s the point? The only hunks around here worth angling the pork at are sprog bombers so it’d be a waste. If the sun does come out I’m gonna go find myself some little private beach and air the tackle al fresco.
PAUL
Well, you’ll definitely be by yourself. Aside from the fact that I don’t need to see that miniscule gusset puncher of yours I also ain’t had time to maintain my bikini line.
MICHAEL
You mean you haven’t had that marshland of yours waxed? How Broadmeadows of you.
PAUL
Believe me I tried. But because I’d left the jungle to run rampant for a few months when it got down to doing it, it was so painful I ran screaming out of there with only one cheek done.
BEN
Well, you could always do a comb over.
THE CRAIGS ENTER TO THE DISCO SOUNDS OF “A FIFTH OF BEETHOVEN” WHICH PLAYS THROUGH THE BACKGROUND. THEY MOVE ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR STRUTTING AND PREENING THEMSELVES. THEY ARE CONSTANTLY RUBBING THEIR CROTCHES LOOKING AT CHECKING OUT FOR ANY AVAILABLE FEMALES. THEY SPLIT UP AND TWO BECOME THE SHARONS 2 AND 3. THE OTHER TWO BECOME CRAIGS 1 AND 4. THEY STAND ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE GIRLS WHO ARE DRINKING LARGE COCKTAILS. THE GIRLS ARE BECOMING OVERTLY SEXUAL..
CRAIGS
Hi.
SHARONS
Hi.
CRAIGS
How’s it going?
SHARONS
Good.
CRAIGS
What’s your name?
SHARONS
Sharon. What’s yours?
CRAIGS
Craig.
SHARONS
Craig? That’s a nice name.
SHARON 3
You look really hot.
CRAIG 4
So do you.
SHARON 3
Yeah? You’re quite tall, aren’t you?
CRAIG 4
I guess.
SHARON 3
I reckon you and I could have a good time together.
CRAIG 4
Yeah?
SHARON 3
Yeah. What are you drinking?
CRAIG 4
Just a beer.
SHARON 3
Yeah? I don’t like beer.
CRAIG 4
No?
SHARON 3
No. Beer makes me fart! [SHE GIGGLES INSANELY]
CRAIG 4
Nice.
SHARON 3
I’m drinking a Penis Colada.
CRAIG 4
A what?
SHARON 3
A Penis Colada. It’s a cocktail.
CRAIG 4
Right.
SHARON 3
You ever had one of them?
CRAIG 4
Er...Nah.
SHARON 3
You should have a sip of mine.
CRAIG 4
No, thanks.
SHARON 3
Go on. Just have a sip.
CRAIG 4
I really don’t want to.
SHARON 3
Go on.
CRAIG 4
Not interested.
SHARON 3
Come on. Have a little suck.
CRAIG 4
I don’t want to.
SHARON 3
Yes you do. Have a suck.
CRAIG 4
Pass.
THE OTHER SHARON SCREAMS OUT LIKE A DEMON POSSESSED.
SHARON 2
Suck it! Suck it!
THE OTHER SHARON GLARES AT HER.
CRAIG 4
Oh my God. It’s a naked pool boy!
THE SHARONS LOOK OFF
SHARON 2 & 3
Where?
CRAIG 4 RUNS AROUND THE BACK AND SWITCHES PLACES WITH THE OTHER CRAIG. THE GIRLS FACE A NEW CRAIG
CRAIG 4
So, you look nice.
SHARON 2
Thanks.
CRAIG 4
You’re Sharon, right?
SHARON 2
Uh-huh.
CRAIG 4
You’re not drinking a Penis Colada, are you?
SHARON 2
No. Of course not. That’s a slut’s drink. Nah, this is just a Bundy and Coke.
CRAIG 4
[RELIEVED] Oh good.
SHE LEANS IN WITH MENACE.
SHARON 2
Suck it!
THEY DANCE REAL CLOSE AND START TO GET IT ON.
SHARON 3
So, how’s it going?
CRAIG 1
Good. Sharon, right?
SHARON 3
And you’re Craig too.
CRAIG 1
No. Craig One.
SHARON 3
Oh, nice.
CRAIG 1
Shit you got nice tits.
SHARON 3
And you’re tall. You got a big dick?
CRAIG 1
Yep.
SHARON 3
You wanna fuck?
CRAIG 1
Yeah, alright.
SHARON 3
What room are you in?
CRAIG 1
Nah, let’s go to your room.
SHARON 3
Nah. Let’s go to your room. I wanna rode your pony.
CRAIG 1
Nah. Let’s go to your room. I really wanna bang your bush.
SHARON 3
I want you to slam me in the slit. But we’ll do it in your room, okay?
CRAIG 1
Nah, we’ll go to your room. I wanna nail you good and hard.
SHARON 3
No. Let’s go to your room.
CRAIG 1
No, we’ll go to your room.
SHARON 3
Your room!
CRAIG 1
Your room!
SHARON 3
Look. We’re going to your fucking room and I want you to fuck me till I bark!
CRAIG 1
I wanna fuck you till the cows come home but I wanna do it in your room!
SHARON 3
But I want you to sit on my head and tea bag me with your big donkey balls.
CRAIG 1
And I wanna growl at your badger but we’re doing it in your room!
SHARON 3
You just don’t understand me.
CRAIG 1
That’s because you’re always pissed.
SHARON 3
I can’t talk to you.
CRAIG 1
I can’t stand listening to you. You’re always nagging me!
SHARON 3
One of us has to work at this relationship.
CRAIG 1
You’re fencing me in.
SHARON 3
We never talk anymore.
CRAIG 1
We talk all the time!
SHARON 3
Why don’t you ever tell me you love me?
CRAIG 1
I’ve been busy.
SHARON 3
With all your sluts, I bet! I hate you!
CRAIG 1
And I hate you!
SHARON 3
You’re an asshole.
CRAIG 1
And you’re a bitch!
SHARON 3
I don’t think we should see each other again!
CRAIG 1
Suits me fine!
SHARON RUNS TO OTHER SHARON WHO IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FULL SCALE PASH.
SHARON 3
Sharon. Let’s go. I’m upset
SHARON 2
But…
SHARON 3
Sharon!!!??
SHARON 2 IS TORN BETWEEN HER NEW FRIEND THEN RUNS OFF WITH CRAIG 4. SHARON 3 SCREAMS AS CRAIG 1 FLIPS HER THE BIRD AND EXITS.
SHARON 3
Argh!!
THE LIGHTS GO TO BLACK THEN COME UP AS KYLE STANDS TO THE SIDE DRINKING. TOM ENTERS AND LOOKS AT HIM
TOM
Hi.
KYLE
Are you talking to me?
TOM
Yep. Is that okay?
KYLE
Whatever floats your boat.
TOM
You okay? You're looking a little green.
KYLE
It's the lighting. Hideous, isn’t it? I’m fine but thanks for caring. Can I ask you something?
TOM
Sure.
KYLE
What’s a big heterosexual like you doing in a dump like this?
TOM
Sorry.
KYLE
You heard me. What’s a flaming non-faggot doing in this hell hole?
TOM
I don’t understand.
KYLE
I’ll make it easy for you. You Tarzan, me poof. Have I filled in the blanks yet?
TOM
You’re gay?
KYLE
Give the man a jelly bean. What a genius. What an Einstein. What an ultra maroon.
TOM
Sorry? Did I do something wrong?
KYLE
No, no. It’s not you. It’s all men. They’re all bastards. You’re just the closest. Are you gay?
TOM
No.
KYLE
Would you like to be? I’m just kidding. You wouldn’t want to be gay anyway. They’re all mongrels. Every sodding one of them. Never sleep with a man. They lie, they cheat, they cheat and they cheat. And they lie about it as well. I hate gay men. Who’d be gay? I wouldn’t. It’s crap. It’s overrated. They’re rude, they’re precious, they never give you the best tables at restaurants and most times they’re delusional about what’s in their pants. [HE LOOKS AT TOM] I’m a gay man talking about other men’s dicks. This is the point where you’re supposed to run away.
TOM
I’m not fussed. My cousin’s gay.
KYLE
He’s not around, is he?
TOM
I thought you hated gay men?
KYLE
I’m shallow. Not dead!
TOM
I’m not so sure about that.
KYLE
You think I’m dead?
TOM
I don’t think you’d be out here sharing so readily if you were shallow.
KYLE LOOKS AT HIM
You’re cute. Are you hitting on me?
TOM
You’re very drunk.
KYLE
I’m stinking. How about we go get a six pack of beer and take in a sauna?
TOM
I don’t think so. Is it still raining outside?
KYLE
Well, it wouldn’t be raining inside, would it? Unless it’s on my parade. So, who are you here with? Your girlfriend?
TOM
No.
KYLE
So who are you here with? Your mother?
TOM
No.
KYLE
So, who are you here with? Your
TOM
I’m here with my wife.
KYLE
Your wife? And she doesn’t mind you hanging around with strange men?
TOM
She’s gone to bed.
KYLE
And left you to your own devices, huh?
TOM
Not quite.
KYLE
Ooh, me thinks there’s a mystery unfolding.
TOM
It’s a bit personal.
KYLE
Hey, I just entertained you with a fag diatribe. If nothing else that’s queer comedy. The least you can do is tell me about your pathetic marriage.
TOM
I didn’t say my marriage was pathetic.
KYLE
You didn’t say it wasn’t. Look, if it’s any consolation I’m sure my life’s sweet misery is twice as bad as anything you and your frau could conjure up.
TOM
We live with my mother in law.
KYLE
My boyfriend left me for a supermarket trolley collector.
TOM
I haven’t had sex with my wife or anyone else in four years.
KYLE PAUSES
KYLE
You win. So if you haven’t had sex with her in four years why did you bring her up here?
TOM
She thought it might bring back some kind of romance.
KYLE
And did it?
TOM
Who knows?
KYLE
Well, you would for starters.
TOM
I don’t think I really want to share too much anymore.
KYLE
Oh, ain’t that just like a man.
TOM
Well, we were both pretty young when we got married for starters.
KYLE
I thought you didn’t want to share.
TOM
Well, you’re pretty pissed. I’m hoping in the morning you’ll have forgotten everything I said.
KYLE
That’s the gay man’s mantra. You’ve been reading our textbook.
TOM
Gay guys have a textbook?
KYLE
Oh, sure. You think we come out like this? It’s a very precise and specialised vocation. “Perving on the School Jocks” “Sleepwalking in Sleepovers” “Boy, I must‘ve been drunk last night. I don’t remember a thing.” Of course my favourite is Chapter 11.
TOM
Chapter 11?
KYLE
Going the Grope with Straight Guys…for fun and profit.
TOM
Going the grope?
KYLE
Uh-huh. And I’ve had to do a lot of revision. Especially in the practical. A lot!
TOM
I’ll take your word for it.
KYLE
Why aren’t you running away?
TOM
You think I’m easy to shock? Is that it?
KYLE
I was kinda hoping.
TOM
Sorry to disappoint but I don’t scare that easily
KYLE
Well, maybe you should be scared. I’ve scared off everyone else lately. Why should you be any different?
TOM
I’m a lot tougher than I look.
KYLE
That’s what they all say.
TOM
So who was this…guy…lover…sorry, I don’t know what you guys call each other.
KYLE
Pudfudungers.
TOM
Pudfudungers? Did you just make that up?
KYLE
Uh-huh. I mean, it’s not like I could call him my husband…thanks to those lying, deceitful, hypocritical cunts in Labor. And this shitty, hypocritical government. And they call us cocksuckers? Sure we’ll give you superannuation and other entitlements that should’ve been yours anyway but don’t think you can walk down the aisle to prove you’re in a real relationship because you’ll always be second class…Sorry. Raw Nerve Department? Just putting you through.
TOM
Boy you sure get worked up about things? That wouldn’t be why he left you, would it?
KYLE
No. He left me because he said I stifled him and he needed to stretch himself in new directions. Little did I know he meant horizontally and on anything with a knob!
TOM
I see.
KYLE
And how about you? What’s the story, morning glory? If you're having problems shouldn't you be with your wife trying to sort things out?
TOM
You’re a very unusual person.
KYLE
You have no idea.
TOM
You sound so sure of yourself but you’ve got this aura about you like you’re ready to fall apart in a second.
KYLE
Aura? That’s a very non-heterosexual word to use with another man.
TOM
Is it? Stop avoiding the subject.
KYLE
It’s not a subject worth discussing.
TOM
Evasion. Good.
KYLE
Tell me more about your wife.
TOM
Nothing to tell.
KYLE
Evasion as well. Very mature. So why is your marriage all over the shop?
TOM
I…really don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t be discussing this. It feels wrong.
KYLE
Of course it’s wrong. But if you can’t pour your heart out to a complete stranger then what’s the point of having a problem. So, you were saying? Your problems? Was it because…because you’re bored with each other?
TOM
No. Maybe.
KYLE
Another man? You or her.
TOM
I don’t think so.
KYLE
Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
TOM
Have you ever been with a woman?
KYLE
No, but if I ever do she better have a big dick.
TOM
I think maybe I should be going back to my room.
KYLE
What? We’ve only just started.
TOM
No, I think we’ve finished. I only came outside to get some air and see if it had stopped raining.
KYLE
You could’ve opened your window..
TOM
I’m a bit tired. Good night.
KYLE
I…
TOM EXITS.
Bugger. Scared another one off. How do you do it?
BLACKOUT. DISCO MUSIC AS THE LIGHTS COME UP. SHARON 4 IS STANDING DRINKING WHEN CRAIG 2 AND CRAIG 3 ENTER
CRAIG 3
Jesus check out the Pachungas on that one.
CRAIG 2
Bloody hell. Nice rack.
CRAIG 3
Let’s go talk to her.
THEY SIDLE UP TO SHARON 4, SUCKING ON A STRAW.
CRAIG 3
G’DAY
CRAIG 2
G’DAY.
SHARON 4
Hi.
CRAIG 3
How ya’ doing?
CRAIG 2
Yeah, how ya’ doing?
SHARON 4
Fine. How are you?
CRAIG 3
Fine.
CRAIG 2
Yeah, great.
CRAIG 3
What’ ya doing?
SHARON 4
Nothing.
CRAIG 3
You look really hot.
SHARON 4
Yeah. Thanks.
CRAIG 3
You wanna drink?
SHARON 4
Yeah, okay.
CRAIG 3
What do ya’ want?
SHARON 4
Bundy and coke, thanks.
CRAIG 3
Yeah, got that Craig? Bundy and coke for me too.
CRAIG 2
Yeah…a beer for me thanks, Craig while your there.
CRAIG 3
Yeah, two Bundy and cokes.
CRAIG 2 IS RELUCTANT TO LEAVE BUT GOES TO THE BAR ANYWAY.
CRAIG 3
So…what’s your name?
SHARON 4
Sharon.
CRAIG 3
Sharon, aye? That’s a pretty hot name.
SHARON 4
Thanks. And what’s your name?
CRAIG 3
Craig.
SHARON 4
That’s a nice name too.
CRAIG 3
Yeah?
SHARON 4
Yeah. Nice and classy sounding.
HE KISSES HER HAND. SHE GIGGLES
CRAIG 3
Thanks.
SHARON 4
Ooh. Thanks. You’re nice.
CRAIG 3
You’re nice too.
SHARON 4
You’re friend’s nice as well
CRAIG 2 IS WALKING BACK TO THEM
CRAIG 3
Yeah, he’s got a girlfriend.
CRAIG 2
She’s dead!
HE PASSES THE DRINK TO SHARON 4. CRAIG 3 GRABS THE OTHER ONE. SHARON SLURPS HERS DOWN QUICKLY
CRAIG 3
Betta get yourself a beer, mate.
SHARON 4
So, where are you boys from?
CRAIG 2
Sydney. End of season footy trip.
THEY ALL LOOK TO THE AUDIENCE KNOWINGLY THEN BACK AT EACH OTHER
CRAIG 3
So, you here by yourself?
SHARON 4
Oh, no. I’m here with a couple of girlfriends. They’re over there.
CRAIG 2
Yeah? We’re here with a couple of mates, too.
CRAIG 3
No, we’re not. They left. Remember?
CRAIG 2
Oh yeah, they left. Gone. Died in a car crash.
CRAIG 3 ELBOWS HIM
SHARON 4
Really, that’s nice.
CRAIG 3
Yeah. We’re all nice. Real nice. You’re nice too. What rooms are you in?
SHARON 4
Room 8 and 9. You?
CRAIG 2
Rooms 4 & 5.
SHARON 4
Oh, you come back to our rooms for a party.
CRAIG 3
I’d love to come.
SHARON 4
I want you to come.
CRAIG 3
We can call come together.
SHARON 4
Oh you’re wicked.
CRAIG 3
Geez, you got nice tits.
SHARON 4
Oh really?
CRAIG 3
Sure have.
CRAIG 2
Yeah, both of ‘em.
SHARON 4
I bet you tell all the girls that.
CRAIG 3
Just the easy ones.
SHE GIGGLES
SHARON 4
What makes you think I’m easy?
HE GRABS HER BREAST. SHE GIGGLES INSANELY. SHE GRABS HIS CROTCH.
CRAIG 3
Fuck me dead!
SHARON 4
Oh I love this song. Let’s dance.
SHE RUNS OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR AND STARTS DANCING MADLY. THE BOYS JOIN HER AND DANCE JUST A BAD. SHE TRIES TO GET THEM TO DANCE WITH EACH OTHER BUT AFTER AWHILE THEY GIVE UP AND START TO DRAG HER BACK IN. THEY START BUMPING INTO HER. SHE SQUEALS AS THEY START TO TOUCH HER INTIMATELY. SHE GRABS THEM BACK. ONE DANCES BEHIND HER AND ONE IN FRONT. THEY START TO GET SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN HER THEN COME BACK IN AND BUMP INTO HER. SHE KEEPS SQUEALING AND IT BECOMES MORE AND MORE SEXUALLY GRAPHIC. SHE IS GRABBING THEM AS MUCH AS THEY ARE GRABBING HER AS THE LIGHTS START TO CHANGE TO A BRIGHT RED. THE MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY MIME PULLING OUT THEIR DICKS ATTACKING HER FROM BACK AND FRONT. SHE IS SQUEALING IN ECSTASY. IT BECOMES A CARNAL FROLIC. THEY START REVOLVING THEIR DICKS AS THEY GROW GROTESQUELY BIG UNTIL SHE IS JUMPING OVER IT LIKE A SKIP ROPE. AS THE BOYS START TO REACH ORGASM THEY MOVE TOWARDS EACH OTHER WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED, NOT NOTICING SHARON HAS MOVED AWAY AND BACK TO HER DRINK. THEY CLIMAX UP AGAINST EACH OTHER. AFTER A MOMENT THEY OPEN THEIR EYES AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEY LOOK AT SHARON WHO GIVES A LITTLE WAVE. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AGAIN. THERE IS A WRY LOOK BETWEEN THEM AS THEY WALK OFF TOGETHER TO ENJOY FURTHER ACTIVITIES.
BLACKOUT
PART TWO
CRAIG 4 SITS IN THE CENTRE OF THE SPA TUB. MICHAEL ENTERS AND LOOK AT HIM. PAUL ENTERS FROM OPPOSITE SIDE, CARRYING A SIX PACK OF BEER. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN AT CRAIG 4 THEN AT EACH OTHER, SMIRK AND SLOWLY DROP INTO THE HOT TUB ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER. THEY TRY TO STRETCH OUT, TOUCH EACH OTHER’S FOOT BY ACCIDENT, RECOIL THEN SIT UP STRAIGHT. THEY LOOK AT CRAIG 4 WHO HAS HIS EYES CLOSE. PAUL MAKES A NOISE WHICH MAKES CRAIG 4 OPEN HIS EYES. THEY ARE TRYING TO BE AS BUTCH AS POSSIBLE BUT DON’T QUITE PULL IT OFF.
CRAIG 4
G’day.
PAUL
G’day
MICHAEL
Yeah, g’day.
PAUL
How’re you going?
CRAIG 4
Good. Yeah, good. You?
MICHAEL
Good.
PAUL
Hot enough for you?
CRAIG 4
Pretty much. My arse is burning?
MICHAEL
Tell me about it. I mean, tell me about it.
PAUL
How’s about a beer?
CRAIG 4
Wouldn’t say no. Sounds great. So, where you fellas from?
PAUL
Er...Where are we from?
MICHAEL
Tassie.
PAUL
What?
HE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.
MICHAEL
Yeah, Tassie. You heard of it?
CRAIG 4
Er... Yeah.
PAUL
Where are you from?
CRAIG 4
Brissie. Yeah, me and me mates are up here for an end of season.
MICHAEL
End of season what?
CRAIG 4
End of season footy.
MICHAEL
Oh.
PAUL
Just you and your mates?
CRAIG 4
Uh-huh.
PAUL
So, you into sports then are ya’?
CRAIG 4
Yep. Cricket, footy, you name it.
PAUL
Water sports?
CRAIG 4
Nah. Not really.
PAUL
I like the diving. [ASIDE] Especially when they’re standing on the blocks. [TO CRAIG] You like the diving?
CRAIG 4
It’s okay.
PAUL
Of course.
MICHAEL
How’s about another beer?
CRAIG 4
Wouldn’t say no. Sounds great.
MICHAEL
Beaudy.
PAUL
Yeah, beaudy.
MICHAEL SPITS LIKE A GUY BUT IT GOES STRAIGHT INTO THE SPA POOL. PAUL IS HORRIFIED. HE CRINGES AND TRIES TO WASH IT AWAY. BIG PAUSE
PAUL
So… did you catch the game?
CRAIG 4
Oh yeah.
MICHAEL
Yeah, how about those….?
PAUL
Eagles?
MICHAEL
Yeah. Eagles. Birdy things. Yeah. How about ‘em?
PAUL
Did you watch that game?
CRAIG 4
Sure did. Pretty sick.
MICHAEL
Yeah, I was a bit nauseous.
PAUL
We did too. On the…on the…
MICHAEL
On the telly.
PAUL
Yeah, on the telly…In our room. What room are you guys in?
CRAIG 4
Ah, Room 4, I think.
MICHAEL
So, how did you get here?
CRAIG 4
Oh, me and me mates drove up. Took 3 days.
PAUL
Sounds great.
MICHAEL
Fabulous.
CRAIG 4
Did you drive?
MICHAEL
What? From Tassie? Are you kidding me, girlfriend?...Er…Girlfriend...It’s my girlfriend’s car.
CRAIG 4
What car do you drive?
PAUL
Oh, big v8. Great car. Big mags, great spoiler. Fur dice. 100 in 4 seconds.
MICHAEL
Yeah. It’s a mini.
CRAIG 4
A mini?
PAUL
A Mercedes!
MICHAEL
That’s right. How about another beer?
CRAIG 4
Wouldn’t say no. Sounds great. So, you guys checked out the chicks here?
PAUL
Nah, not yet. But we’ll try to make time.
CRAIG 4
Yeah there’s this real nice chick. Really stacked. Chews her hair.
MICHAEL
Sounds revolting.
CRAIG 4
As long as she bangs, right?
PAUL
Yeah, right.
CRAIG 4 GETS UP AND MOVES TO OTHER SIDE OF THE SPA AND STANDS FACING THEM AND STRETCHES. THEY LEAN IN, LOOKING AT HIS CROTCH THEN LOOK AWAY. HE GOES BACK TO HIS EARLIER POSITION.
MICHAEL
How‘s about another beer?
CRAIG 4
Wouldn’t say no. Sounds great.
HE TAKES A SWIG.
CRAIG 4
So, which of you guys likes to suck cock?
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN GET UP, CLANG THEIR BEERS TOGETHER
BOTH
Cheers!
THEY SINK BENEATH THE BUBBLES AS THE LIGHTS FADE.
BLACKOUT
THE BOYS ARE STANDING THERE WATCHING THE RAIN. PAUL ENTERS.
PAUL
[YELLING OFF] Alright. I take it back. Un-fuck you! [TO THE BOYS] Can you believe it? A bingo competition. [PAUSE] They wouldn’t let me play.
MICHAEL
This is a nightmare. How can it rain four days solid? What sort of freak show they got going up here?
KYLE
God, this reminds me…in Breakfast at Tiffany’s when she throws the cat out of the cab in the rain after she finds out she’s not going away with her Latino friend and she runs back and finds him hiding behind the boxes and George Peppard takes her and kisses her in the alley.
BEN
Kisses her in the where?
MICHAEL
Sounds disgusting.
PAUL
Can we please stop talking about Breakfast At Tiffany’s? I know it’s one of your favourites but Kyle, I am here to tell you it’s a boring movie with a ridiculously stuck-on Hollywood ending. He’s gay and she just needs a rough shag…with or without her pussy. It’s not real, Kyle, but you see it as a documentary.
KYLE
Well it’s still better than any reality I’ve come across so far.
PAUL
Did ya’ ever stop to think that maybe the reason you haven’t been able to hold onto a man for more than a nanosecond is because you’re looking for Happy Ever Afters and Prince Charming. But like the rest of us you’re more attracted to the nasty villain, the Wicked Witch.
BEN
The evil dwarf.
PAUL
The ones that guarantee us a rough ride and a broken heart. I mean, where’s the fun is setting down with Mr Predictable? Sure he might have a nice cock and know how to use it but after a few months and the novelty and Herpes bumps have worn off it’s still gonna be dull nights at home with Mr Bland or those god-awful dinner parties with other settled down queens somewhere in Yarraville.
MICHAEL
Maybe that’s what some people want.
PAUL
You have a duty as a homosexual to live your life as outrageous as you can. Show the straights the alternative is a lot more interesting than they think. You know it’s our recruitment strategy.
BEN
Like you’re doing now. That’s the reason a lot of straights hate us.
PAUL
No, they hate us because they think we’re getting a lot more action in bed than they are. They don’t realise that it’s sometimes two or three days between roots. It’s all jealousy. You think John Howard and his cronies really care about family values and all that other shit? No, he just can’t stand the thought that no-one’s gonna fuck him anymore. Put a couple of sissy Mary’s on a float and voila...target time for a neo Nazi. But really it’s all just a distraction for the next election. We’ve become the new Tampa. We’re…Gampa.
BEN
Gampa?
PAUL
No. It doesn’t roll off the tongue, does it? I don’t know. All I’m saying, Kyle, is don’t limit yourself to the George Peppards of this world because I saw a photo of him just before he died and I betcha twenty cents it was a long time since he’d seen any l’action de l’amour. He was looking pretty old.
BEN
Okay. Time to change the subject.
MICHAEL
Shit. It’s him again. That guy.
KYLE
What guy?
BEN
There’s this guy who keeps popping up all over the place whenever we get out of the bloody room. He’s always there.
MICHAEL
He’s over there by the pool.
KYLE
Oh, him. Forget it. He’s not worth it.
THEY LOOK AT HIM
No, I didn’t do him. He’s straight
THEY STILL STARE AT KYLE
He’s here with his wife.
THEY STILL STARE
There was no bulge in his board shorts so I think he has a small dick.
THEY LOSE INTEREST.
BEN
I wonder why he keeps turning up everywhere?
PAUL
Not every where. Just when it’s the four of us together.
THEY STOP AND LOOK AT KYLE
ALL
Kyle’s got a stalker. Kyle’s got a stalker.
BEN
How come you know so much about him, anyway?
PAUL
Yeah?
KYLE
We talked the other night.
MICHAEL
Really? You talked to a straight guy? Yuk!
KYLE
Spooky, I know. After you lot got thrown out of the nightclub and crashed I was sitting out on the patio and he came up and started talking to me.
PAUL
About?
KYLE
About 20 minutes.
PAUL
You’re very funny.
KYLE
Nothing. That’s it. He told me he was married and he’s here with his wife.
BEN
And?
KYLE
And…that’s it. I don’t remember much else. I was a little blotto.
BEN
No. You’re a little Bluto.
MICHAEL
He seems very cute.
KYLE
Is he? I hadn’t noticed, really.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM
ALL
Kyle’s got a boyfriend! Kyle’s got a boyfriend!
MICHAEL
Kyle and his stalker sitting in a tree. S.U.C.K.I.N.G.
PAUL
So, what’s his name?
KYLE
I don’t know.
PAUL
That’s okay. I never get names either.
BEN
That’s because you’re hearing’s usually muffled by your knees.
PAUL
Lovely.
BEN
Well, from the few times we’ve seen him he seems okay. What did you talk about?
KYLE
Did I mention I was drunk? Who knows? I think he’s got a gay brother or something.
MICHAEL
So he’s almost family. That’s just as good.
KYLE
I can’t remember much else.
PAUL
Ooh. “ I was so drunk, I don’t remember a thing?”
KYLE
I think I would’ve remembered if we had sex.
PAUL
Would you? It’s been a while. You’ve probably got mould down there. They’d have to do a bit of detonation work just to break the crust.
BEN
Unlike yourself, of course. The last time she threw her legs up, the root says “My God, you’re loose. My God, you’re loose.” She looks up and says “ You didn’t have to say it twice!” “I didn’t!”
PAUL
And it’s a good thing for you at the airport we didn’t get hauled over by Customs. One look down the back of your pants and they would’ve seen 50 kilos of crack! And a couple of headlights driving out.
BEN
Touché.
PAUL
It’s awful. Two weeks without real sex.
MICHAEL
What about the….
PAUL
No! [HE DOESN’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO KNOW ABOUT THE SPA TUB INCIDENT] There hasn’t been anything. Not a pink sausage. Nothing happening around here. Two weeks? I think I’ll die.
BEN
Shall I call a florist?
MICHAEL
Oops. Stalker boy’s gone.
BEN
Don’t worry Kyle. He’ll turn up again.
KYLE
Why would I be worried?
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM
BEN
Oh crap! Don’t tell me you’ve got the hots for him?
PAUL
You’re always this low key when there’s some new battleship on the horizon. Torpedoes at the ready and blow all tanks!
BEN
You haven’t? Tell me you haven’t?
MICHAEL
Haven’t what?
PAUL
Fallen in love with a straight guy!
KYLE
What!?
BEN
Don’t deny it.
PAUL
It’s as plain as your complexion.
BEN
Falling in love with a straight man! It’s the worst.
MICHAEL
But he’s only just met him.
PAUL
Sweetheart, you haven’t known Kyle as long as us. We’ve seen him fall in love in 3 tram stops!
BEN
“Carrie, come inside the house and we’ll pray. We’ll pray he doesn’t get his hands on you or your dirty pillows.”
PAUL
“They’re breasts, momma. And every girl has ‘em.”
KYLE
I wish to hell I never lent you that movie.
BEN
Well, it’s not like we could get Breakfast At Tiffany’s out of your gnarly little digits!
PAUL
We need to do something. Drowning seems good.
BEN
Something a little less dramatic.
PAUL
Nail gun her to the bed side table? Superglue her to the toilet seat?
BEN
Kyle, I am afraid we’re gonna have to lock you in your room for the rest of our stay.
KYLE
I’ll be okay.
BEN
How often have we heard that before then we start getting those phone calls at 3am with you wailing like a Banshee that he’s taken the car and your Tina Turner collection and left you for some twink?
KYLE
Twice. It happened twice.
BEN
Twice is twice too many. You’re gonna have to face the fact, Kyle, that you are a serial romantic and serial romantics always get shit dumped on them. Now the only thing we can do is head it off at the pass. You won’t talk to this guy. You’re not to talk about him, wave at him, not even batter your silly stare rods at him.
KYLE
I don’t think it’s gonna get to that point. I spoke to him once. That was it.
PAUL
You don’t know what you’re saying. This is intervention time. Kyle, you have a problem. We’re the solution. [TO BEN] How about we throw some acid at him? Make him a little uglier. That’s gonna save us at least 50 percent work.
MICHAEL WALKS AROUND AND BECOMES TOM
BEN
Jesus. He’s right there. How did he do that? This is going to be much more difficult than I thought.
TOM
Hi.
KYLE
Hi.
BEN & PAUL
Hi.
TOM
Enjoying yourselves?
KYLE
Yes, I…
BEN
Kyle? Isn’t there something you need to be doing? Ironing your lingerie or something?
KYLE
Is there?
THEY GESTURE FOR HIM TO FOLLOW THEM
Oh, right. I, uh…I have to go.
TOM
Of course.
BEN TAKES KYLE OFF. PAUL MOVES TOWARDS TOM.
PAUL
So…what’s your name?
TOM
Er...Tom.
PAUL
Well, Er…Tom, Kyle’s unavailable at present. He’s had a hard life as you can plainly see by his hair do. So please fell free to leave a message.
TOM
And just who are you?
PAUL
We is the cavalry. He’s shell shocked. We’re the rescue party. So pitch your tepee someplace else, Keemosabi.
TOM
I just wanted to talk to him.
PAUL
And that’s how all the trouble starts. Don’t you have a wife or something?
TOM
Uh-huh.
PAUL
Then I suggest you go back to her and do whatever it is your type does. Fix a car or something.
TOM
I just wanted to ask him if he was feeling better. He was a bit drunk the other night.
PAUL
Ooh, is that how you guys do it?
TOM
Do what?
PAUL
Weasel your way in, like a Mr Guy, full of concern but then when we’re not looking you steal our hearts and dump ‘em by the roadside. Ooh, how do you sleep at nights? Look, stay away from him or I will go you with a knife. [HE STARTS TO EXITS UPSTAGE THEN STOPS] Of course, if you fancy a spa later on I’ll bring the beer.
TOM STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT. THEY ALL CHANGE TO CRAIG 1 & 4 AND SHARONS 2 & 3. THE GIRLS ARE BOUNCING A NET BALL THE BOYS PASSING A FOOTBALL TO EACH OTHER. THEY ARE SEPARATED BY A FEW FEET.
CRAIGS
So, how’s it going girls?
SHARON 2
Oh, you know…okay.
CRAIG 4
I’m sorry I ran out of your room the other night. I was gonna chuck.
SHARON 3
It’s alright. Wouldn’t be the first guy that’s chucked up on her.
SHARON 2
Yeah.
SHARON 3
Yeah, she makes a lot of people sick.
SHARON 2
Yeah. I mean, shut up Sharon!
SHARON 3
No, you shut the fuck up Sharon. Take no notice of her. She’s being a real scrag.
SHARON 2
No, I’m not.
CRAIG 1
Are you two fighting?
SHARON 2 AND SHARON 3
Nah.
CRAIG 4
Hey. It’s a bit wet, isn’t it?
SHARON 2
That’s okay. We don’t mind wet balls.
SHARON 3
Yeah. We don’t mind ‘em. Of course, some are more used to wet balls than others.
SHARON 2
And some should be nicer to people and not be such a slut then they might get to see more wet balls.
SHARON 3
Well some people aren’t sluts! Some people just are friendly.
SHARON 2
And some people who shall remain nameless, Sharon, are fair weather friends.
SHARON 3
That’s because some sluts are always flinging their beef curtains at the first dick they can find and becoming a real embarrassment.
SHARON 2
Maybe they don’t care because they haven’t had sex with anyone in a long time!
SHARON 3
Maybe that’s because some people are too friendly to everyone and they turn into slack moles who’ll sleep with anyone and forget about their friends especially when they need ‘em even though their friend is their bestest friend in the whole wide world and wouldn’t do the same thing to them!
THEY LOOK AT EACH THEN FALL SOBBING INTO EACH OTHER’S ARMS
SHARON 2
I’m sorry.
SHARON 3
No, I’m sorry.
SHARON 2
I was being really horrible
SHARON 3
Yeah you were a bit but so was I.
SHARON 2
I was being more horrible than you.
SHARON 3
No. It was the other way around. I was being terrible. Can you forgive me?
SHARON 2
Of course I can. Can you forgive me?
SHARON 3
I’ll think about it. Okay I thought about it and I’ll forgive you if you forgive me.
SHARON 2
Let’s never fight again.
SHARON 3
No. Never ever.
SHARON 2
Great.
SHARON 3
Great.
THEY LOOK INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES. THERE IS A MOMENT THEN THEY PASH QUITE HEAVILY.
CRAIG 4
Oh, great.
CRAIG 1
Some hot lezzo action. Hey girls… come back to our rooms.
THEY LOOK AT THE BOYS.
SHARONS
Nah! Fuck off.
THEY START TO WALK OFF.
Guys are such pigs.
ONE OF THE SHARONS GESTURES TO ONE OF THE CRAIGS TO CALL HER ON THE PHONE.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP ON THE FOUR BOYS ON THE GROUND.
MICHAEL
[POINTING PEOPLE OUT] Rug, rug, rug, coward in a cap and…wait for it, comb-over! You owe me five bucks. I spotted it first.
PAUL
Shit. Hang on. That doesn’t count. That’s a woman.
MICHAEL
Well, the guy she’s with should make up for it. Jesus, will you look at that. Looks like a very tired Schnauzer fell asleep on his forehead.
PAUL
Check out the hair plugs. Looks like an Axminster deep shag. In this weather I hope she got it Scotch-guarded.
KYLE
Oh dear god. How old do you have to be before you’re not allowed to wear Speedos anymore? That’s just wrong.
PAUL
Could be worse. He could be wearing a thong. And the wife is just as bad. Her bikini straps make her back look like a Christmas ham!
BEN
How can people let themselves go like that. Is it me or do they just get to the point where they just don’t give a fuck? Is that it?
MICHAEL
Ask the last person you laid. I’m sure he could fill you in.
PAUL
Well, we’re talking before the war then so most his action was during the brown outs.
KYLE
Brown outs?
PAUL
Don’t ask! Jesus look at that. It’s got skin like an old leather satchel. We’re talking Donatella Versace alien. [YELLING OFF- AS IN SILENCE OF THE LAMBS] Oy! It puts the lotion on its skin!
BEN
Must you be evil with everyone?
PAUL
Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial.
BEN
I keep thinking that one day you’re gonna stop all this slagging people off.
PAUL
After all the crap we have to put up with? I’m sorry Nancy Nell, but as gay man I have a predilection to being permanently pissed off and therefore must resort to sharpening the barbs on the bland and unsuspecting.
KYLE
When are you gonna start being nice?
PAUL
How about never? Is never good for you? I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
BEN
And she wonders why she’s single.
PAUL
That’s my choice. Normally I’m beating them off with a stick.
MICHAEL
Most of them look like they’ve already been beaten with a stick. An ugly stick.
PAUL
Who moved your rock?
MICHAEL
I’m just kidding. Actually I agree with you.
BEN
What a surprise.
PAUL
Is the bar open yet?
KYLE
I think so but how can you drink at 11 in the morning?
PAUL IS HORRIFIED.
PAUL
It’s 11am? [TO MICHAEL] You woke me up at 11am? I told you wake me at happy hour. Though in this place that’s an oxymoron. I could kill you. Make yourself useful. Get me a dirty big martini and don’t spare the ini.
BEN
I’ll go. I need to get out of the sunlight anyway.
MICHAEL
What sunlight?
KYLE
It’s just over there between the goitre and the hippo on the hammock.
BEN
Nice.
KYLE
I’ll come with you.
BEN AND KYLE EXIT THEN COME STRAIGHT BACK ON AS CRAIG 4 AND CRAIG 1
CRAIG 1
Nah, c’mon. We’ll just have a little fun.
CRAIG 4
It’s not worth it.
CRAIG 1
G’day.
THEY LOOK AT THE CRAIGS.
CRAIG 4
Yeah, G’day.
PAUL
Hi. Can I help you?
CRAIG 1
Yeah. Me mate and me were just watching you.
PAUL
Me mate and me? Boy you’ve got that grammar thing going, haven’t you?
CRAIG 1
You guys are gay, right?
PAUL
Are you asking for yourself?
CRAIG 1
I just wanted to know.
PAUL
No. Were not gay. We just help out when they’re busy.
CRAIG 1
What?
PAUL
I’m saying why don’t you run along and play with your little friends in the sand. Build a castle, bury yourselves. Something.
CRAIG 1
I just thought you might wanna spend some time with us. Wee just wanna be your friends.
PAUL
I’m sorry. I’ve got enough friends. Our books are now closed. Now, if you’ll excuse us.
CRAIG 1
Why don’t you suck my dick, you faggot.
PAUL
You want me to suck your dick and you’re calling me a faggot? You straight guys are just unbelievable. You seem to be under this delusion that every gay guy wants to blow you? Is that it?
CRAIG 1
Kinda.
PAUL
Well, I got news for you, sweetheart. He doesn’t want to blow you. And you wanna know why? Judging by the bulge in your boardies I reckon any gay guy would have to be pretty desperate to even bother going down on that miniature gherkin you got going there. I’ve given head to bigger button mushrooms and they probably smelled a lot better as well so why don’t you take that underpants waster or yours, stick it in the smaller of your ear holes and stop wasting everyone’s time.
HE MAKES A THREATENING MOVE TOWARDS PAUL.
And if you take another step I swear by all that’s sacred and the small nail file I’ve got in my hand I will turn you from a dumb-fuck excuse of a man into a woman with one clean stroke.
CRAIG 1 BACKS AWAY.
CRAIG 1
You don’t scare me.
PAUL
Then try me.
CRAIG 1
Aw, come on. These guys are fucked.
THEY START TO WALK AWAY. PAUL MOVES TOWARDS CRAIG 4.
PAUL
And you. If you’re gonna bring your little playmates around again and be naughty then I’m gonna tell therm that you’re forever blowing bubbles.
CRAIG 4
Sorry. I tried to stop him.
PAUL
Sort yourself out. Find some new friends. I’m sure they’ll show you more respect.
CRAIG 4 WALKS AWAY
MICHAEL
Jesus, what did you say to him?
PAUL
I just told him I’d rearrange his lippy.
MICHAEL
[HAMMY] George, you’re my hero.
PAUL
[SHAKING] Shut up or I’ll smack you. Go and see what’s keeping those fucking drinks.
MICHAEL
Sure.
HE EXITS. PAUL FANS HIMSELF THEN STANDS THERE LOOKING OFF. BEN ENTERS.
BEN
Well, I hear someone’s been up to some deeds of gallantry when we weren’t looking. Fought off an army of meatheads
PAUL
Oh, shut up.
BEN
You don’t have to be coy, you know. Apparently you were quite the White Knight.
PAUL
Just a couple of muscle heads with tiny minds. I put them in their place.
BEN
Well, I must say you’re looking a lot happier because of it. You should be threatened more often.
PAUL
Bring it on.
BEN
I also know about the incident at spa central. Naughty pool time hijinks with Marine Boy and Splasher. You’re a disgrace. Fancy blowing a straight guy.
PAUL
Hey! For your information and not that it’s any of your business, the third party in question was the one doing the blowing. I tell you, be a little wary of straight boys in spa tubs. Especially when they bring a snorkel.
BEN
I know what’s going on, you know.
PAUL
With what?
BEN
With you and Michael.
PAUL
Now I know you’re delusional. And here’s me thinking your bad fashion sense was due to a forceps birth.
BEN
You must think I’m blind.
PAUL
No. But by all accounts your dress sense points in that direction and I’m thinking most of your dates were.
BEN
I can see what’s happening. All this dragging him out to the most sordid of places. Getting him involved in some atrocious and suspect carnality. Pushing him into areas that would give a Catholic priest pause. And all the while, there’s you, hovering in the background like some sissy Svengali.
PAUL
We’re friends.
BEN
You’re lovers. You just haven’t exchanged rings…for want of a better metaphor.
PAUL
And what else do the voices tell you, Joan?
BEN
He’s been a part of this little quartet for 3 years now. I think I know enough about the two of you to know there’s something hovering like a bad smell, besides your cheap pine-o-clean perfume.
PAUL
I don’t want to talk about this.
BEN
Fine. Pardon me all over the place.
KYLE AND MICHAEL ENTER
KYLE
Michael was telling me about you did. What a man!
PAUL
Yeah, well…
MICHAEL
You are not going to believe this?
BEN
Let me guess? You’ve just found out you weren’t born a male? Well, honey, you’re the last to know.
MICHAEL
Oh you’re funny. If only every time you opened your mouth to speak, you threw in some mouth wash you might get a few more roots.
BEN
You know that would have been funnier if he said that. [POINTING AT PAUL] You’re just a poof by proxy. Why don’t the two of you just get a room and get it over a done with!
PAUL
Why don’t you stick your head back up your arse and join your friends. [TO MICHAEL] And that’s how it’s done.
BEN
What are you blathering about, anyway?
MICHAEL
I found a flyer.
PAUL
Good. I wanna be on the first fucking jet out of here.
MICHAEL
No, Not that type. I mean a flyer flyer.
PAUL
Okay so that’s two jets.
MICHAEL
Jeezy Creezy, you’re a trial. Stop flapping your gums for one second. I found a flyer.
BEN
What flyer?
PAUL
That flyer?
MICHAEL
This flyer?
BEN
Which flyer?
MICHAEL
This flyer!
KYLE
If someone says flyer once more I’m gong to kill myself
PAUL WALKS OVER TO HIM
PAUL
Flyer. Would you like a gun?
KYLE
Don’t tempt me.
BEN
So you were saying about this…piece of paper you have?
MICHAEL
Thank God. Okay. I found this thing and it’s a party! A gay dance party. And it’s tonight. In 45 minutes to be exact.
PAUL
Here?
MICHAEL
Well , obviously not right here but nearby. We should go.
BEN
Whoa, monkey boy. There’s a gay dance party in the near vicinity? Who’s doing it?
PAUL
How far away is it?
BEN
And are there any men?
KYLE
Fuck all that! Is there booze???
PAUL
What’s the name of this farrago anyway?
MICHAEL
Fruits of the Forest.
PAUL
Jesus.
MICHAEL
It’s all here. [READING] We walk two kilometres…
PAUL
Stop right there, Shirley. I ain’t walking nowhere. Chopper me in, bitch.
MICHAEL
[CONTINUES] Down that path to our first drinking stop. We are met by friendly natives for a festive cocktail
BEN
Getting better.
MICHAEL
Then we walk another 100 metres to catch our breaths with another festive cocktail before moving en-masse to the sacred meeting hole for laser show and festive dancing with festive cocktails.
PAUL
These natives you’re talking about?
MICHAEL
Uh-huh?
PAUL
You realize they’re probably just the local yobs. You’ve seen Deliverance. We could get gang banged with a banjo.
BEN
They could throw a drum kit up your clacker and not hit the sides.
MICHAEL
Guys! Guys! Can we focus here? Are we going or not? This could be our only chance for some rumpy-pumpy. Please tell me we’re going or I’ll die. I swear it.
BEN
Gees Louise. Will you relax? You’re just too full of eggs and oestrogen, aren’t you? Someone get this idiot a man or she’ll be humping our legs.
MICHAEL
I’m okay. I’m sorry. I’m better now.
PAUL
I can’t believe we’re doing this. Flaming faggots fucked in the forest. There’s an image for ya’. How far is it again? I feel worn just thinking about it.
MICHAEL
Straight down the path that-away.
KYLE
What are we gonna wear? I didn’t bring anything to go dancing in.
PAUL
You didn’t bring anything you should be seen in!
BEN
Oh for Chrissakes. Come here.
HE GRABS KYLE AND TURNS HIS SHIRT INTO A KNOTTED BLOUSE. THEY ALL CHANGE THEIR SHIRTS
BEN
So we’ve got…what? 45 minutes to walk two kilometres?
PAUL
We might just make it in sensible flats.
THEY MOVE INTO LINE, TAKE TWO STEPS FORWARD THEN COLLAPSE.
BEN
Oh my God. No queen should be subjected to this.
MICHAEL
I think my heart’s stopped.
PAUL
Unlike your mouth. You’ve been gabbing non stop since we left. You must have wind burn on your gums!
BEN
How long has it been?
KYLE
Ten minutes.
PAUL
We’re queens. Five minutes walk then it’s taxi time.
KYLE
It’s starting to get dark.
MICHAEL
My feet are killing me.
BEN
Just keep moving.
KYLE
I think we’re lost.
BEN
How can we be lost? We’ve only been walking ten minutes?
PAUL
She once got lost in her garage, remember.
KYLE
I didn’t get lost. I woke up there, idiot.
PAUL
Bet you woke up alone.
KYLE
Pig.
MICHAEL
Can we get moving? It’s starting to get dark.
BEN
Wait. Don’t anyone move.
PAUL
He thinks he’s in the back room of Club 80.
BEN
Where’s the path?
MICHAEL
The what?
BEN
The path! Where’s the fucking path?
MICHAEL
It was here just a minute ago.
BEN
Well, Einstein. It ain’t here now!
KYLE
What’s that smell?
MICHAEL
I think I’ve stepped in something.
PAUL
I thought it was your cologne.
KYLE
Possibly Cassowary crap.
MICHAEL
Cassa what?
KYLE
They’re a kind of big.
PAUL
Local to these parts.
KYLE
But not friendly at all. You try dancing with one of ‘em and they’re gonna rip those stretch marks right off your arse cheeks.
MICHAEL
Great. Killer birds. That's all we need.
BEN
Will you stop talking about fucking attack budgies! We have more pressing issues. We’re lost!
MICHAEL
Oh my God. We’re gonna die out here.
BEN
Stop panicking. We’ll just turn around and head back the way we came.
THEY TURN AROUND
BEN
Oh Jessica Crustacean. I can’t see the path!
MICHAEL
Oh shit. Oh shit, shit, shit.
LOUD THUNDER CLAP AND RAIN.
PAUL
Oh this just keeps getting better and better.
BLACKOUT
THE SHARONS ARE STANDING AROUND THEIR HANDBAGS DANCING IN A HUDDLE. THEY MOVE IN A CIRCULAR LAZY DANCE MOTION.
SHARON 3
I thinks it’s starting to rain.
SHARON 2
Who cares?
SHARON 4
Will you take a look at all these guys. I think we struck hunk heaven
SHARON 1
They’re all so good looking.
SHARON 4
How did you hear about this place, Sharon?
SHARON 3
Found a pamphlet.
SHARON 1
We should’ve come here first night. The guys are beautiful. Not like those drop kicks back at the resort.
SHARON 2
I don’t know. Some of ‘em were okay.
SHARON 4
Slapper.
SHARON 3
And the bestest thing is we got ‘em all to ourselves. I haven’t spotted a single slag since we got here.
SHARON 2
I just wanna get em all naked, lay em on the ground and roll all over them.
SHARON 1
Yeah, yeah and then…and then…cover them in whipped cream and chocolate and lick ‘em all over and squish all over them. Yummy.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HER.
SHARON 2
You sick bitch.
SHARON 3
Revolting.
SHARON 4
What a fucking scrubber.
SHARON 1
What a mole! [REALISES WHAT SHE HAS SAID] Uh…yeah.
THE SOUND OF RAIN CAN BE HEARD
SHARON 2
Shit it’s raining again
THEY ALL SCREAM
ALL
Save the Bundy and cokes!
THEY RUN AROUND THEN THREE OF THEM MOVE INTO A HUDDLE LEAVING SHARON 4 FLIRTING AT THEM. THEY ALL SPEAK AS PRETENTIOUS QUEENS CALLED BYRON
BYRON 1
What is that?
BYRON 2
What do you mean, Byron?
BYRON 1
That! Over there?
BYRON 2
Is that a trannie?
BYRON 1
We don’t get trannies here.
BYRON 2
My God, it is a trannie.
BYRON 3
Is it a trannie?
BYRON 1
How could it be? No right minded trannie would come to the tropics. Their makeup would look like some reject from the House of Wax.
BYRON 2
Oh Jesus that’s funny Byron. Byron did you hear what Byron said about the trannie?
BYRON 3
What, Byron?
BYRON 2
Something about wax… or something.
BYRON 3
I say Byron, that’s very funny.
BYRON 1
Probably from down south.
BYRON 2
Who?
BYRON 1
The trannie.
BYRON 3
Tell her to fuck off.
BYRON 2
We don’t want her type here.
ALL
Bloody trannies.
BYRON 3
That type always attract roughs.
BYRON 2
I mean what’s the point of dressing up like a woman? I’d never do that.
BYRON 1
Apart from last new years.
BYRON 2
Apart from that.
BYRON 1
And your last birthday.
BYRON 2
And that.
BYRON 3
Oh my god, she’s looking right at us. What do we do?
BYRON 1
We ignore her of course.
BYRON 2
Of course.
SHE WALKS TOWARDS THEM
BYRON 3
Shit. She’s coming over.
BYRON 2
What if she starts talking to me? What do I do? I’ve never spoken to a trannie before.
BYRON 1
Had a good look at your mother lately?
ALL
Touché
SHARON 4
Hi.
THEY LOOK SHOCKED THEN GIVE HER FILTHY LOOKS. SHE IS OBLIVIOUS.
How are you fellas? I was just saying to my friends there’s so many gorgeous men here a girl doesn’t know which way to look. Fancy being stuck out here with all these spunks. I wanna just jump them all. Who wants to dance?
THEY ALL SHAKE THEIR HEADS
Come on. Someone must want to dance. You can’t leave a girl on her lonesome on the dance floor.
SHE STARTS TO DANCE BADLY WHILST TRYING TO BE SEXUAL. SHE THROWS UP SLIGHTLY ON HER BLOUSE, SMILES THEN THROWS UP DOWN THE INSIDE OF HER SLEEVE.
BYRON 1
Maybe we should throw rocks.
BYRON 2
Or fish.
THEY MAKE SEAL SOUNDS THEN ALL DROP TO THE FLOOR IN A HUDDLE. THE RAIN IS STILL FALLING
PAUL
Oh Jesus. How long have we been here?
BEN
Well, using my survival skills, the shadows on the trees, the position of the moon and Mickey’s big hand I’d say three hours.
PAUL
Three hours stuck in this cave? Well I think it’s safe to say we’ve missed the fags in the forest farrago.
MICHAEL
When are we gonna get the fuck out of here?
KYLE
I’m starting to cramp.
BEN
Relax. It’s probably menstrual.
KYLE
I can’t feel my legs.
BEN
Someone help him feel his legs.
PAUL
What was that?
KYLE
What was what?
PAUL
I heard something.
BEN
Well done Helen Keller. Now say wa-wah.
MICHAEL
I am freezing my balls off here.
PAUL
If your balls fall off in the forest and no one’s around to hear it…
MICHAEL
Oh, spare me.
BEN
Guys, the rain will stop soon and then we can keep moving.
KYLE
My arse is numb. I think I’m sitting on a rock. I can’t get comfortable. Who wants to swap?
PAUL
First time she’s ever complained about getting something hard shoved up her gash.
KYLE
You’re common as muck and just as pretty.
MICHAEL
I need to take a piss.
BEN
So take a piss.
MICHAEL
I...uh...I’ll wait.
BEN
What’s the matter?
MICHAEL
Nothing. It’s just…
BEN
What?
MICHAEL
I’ve never pissed in the outdoors.
BEN
Never?
MICHAEL
Never.
KYLE
That’s because she’s a lady and she refuses to squat over shrubbery.
MICHAEL
Oh please. And enough already with the “she.” It’s so seventies.
OTHERS
Well, get her!
MICHAEL
[TO HIMSELF] Okay, try not to think about it.
THE RAIN FALLS IN THE BACKGROUND.
MICHAEL
I am freezing.
KYLE
So you keep saying.
BEN
Just keep it together. The rain will stop soon then we can make our way back to the resort. If we head down towards the water we should be fine.
PAUL
Water? I don’t know if it’s slipped your notice but we’re surrounded by water. Fucking gallons of it. I’m up to my gusset in water. Probably got fish flopping around in there by now.
BEN
Don’t blame the fish. That smell was there years ago.
KYLE
Ugh.
PAUL
There it is again.
BEN
There is what?
PAUL
That noise. I just heard it again.
BEN
How can you hear anything over this bloody rain.
PAUL
I’m telling you I heard something. It’s a sort of gurgling.
MICHAEL
He always did forget to swallow.
PAUL
It’s one of those North Queensland psychos. Come to kill us all. I tell you were gonna wake up dead.
KYLE
How can you wake up…
PAUL
I tell you the forests are full of ‘em up here. You read about it all the time.
MICHAEL
The only thing you read is your stars in the latest Dolly.
PAUL
I don’t want to die up here. It’s alright for you lot. You’re a pack of plane Janes. You’ve got nothing to live for. But I’m young. I’m pretty. Those killer types always go for the beautiful ones. I want to live! Do you hear me? I want to live!
KYLE
Can you hold still for a moment?
PAUL
Why?
KYLE
‘Cause I want to smack you
BEN
Can we please just shut up!
MICHAEL
Who are you?
KYLE
Yes Benita. Stop being so bossy boots.
MICHAEL
Yeah, who made you Queen Of The Cave? You’re not in charge, you know. And we’re not here to play out your little girl guide troop leader fantasy either.
PAUL
She’s always been like that. A real Nurse Ratchit.
THERE IS A LOUD GURGLING BEHIND THEY ALL STOP
BEN
I heard it that time.
MICHAEL
Oh shit. Oh my God.
PAUL
It’s the murderer. We’re all gonna die.
BEN
We are not going to die
MICHAEL
It sounded like a bear. We’re gonna be torn to shreds
BEN
A bear? Will you get a grip, for chrissakes?
KYLE
We have to get out of here.
PAUL
Maybe we should split up
BEN
What?
PAUL
Uh-huh. Whatever is out there…well, it can only chase one of us at a time.
BEN
Oh.
PAUL
You go first.
BEN
What? Fuck off.! Why should I go first?
PAUL
Because you’re the oldest and the fattest. It’ll take hours to chomp through your guts.
MORE GURGLING
MICHAEL
What is that?
KYLE
I’ll go.
BEN
What?
MICHAEL
What?
KYLE
I said I’ll go. If we’re gonna get killed I don’t wanna die stuck in a cave with you sissy Marys. I’ll go.
PAUL
I’ll go too.
MICHAEL
Me too.
BEN
Wait. We can’t all go at the same time. It kinda defeats the purpose of splitting up.
PAUL
We’ll then I’m staying right here.
KYLE
Don’t worry. We’ll send someone back.
PAUL
You better, bitch.
THEY RUN AROUND IN A CIRCLE AND COME STRAIGHT BACK TO PAUL WHO HAS CHANGED TO LOIS. THEY ALL SCREAM
LOIS
Hiya, fellas. What you doin’ out here?
MICHAEL
Oh thank God. Listen lady. You better run. There’s a killer on the loose.
LOIS
Killer? Give me a break. You boys are looking a little ruffled and wet. You better get yourself inside or you’ll catch your death. I know what you need? A nice strong hot chocolate. It’ll be my treat.
KYLE
You mean you know the way back?
LOIS
Of course. The kiosk is only twenty feet away. Not that far. Follow me. Oh and they do a nice cappuccino as well.
KYLE
Cappuccino?
LOIS
Uh-huh.
BEN
They have a cappuccino machine.
LOIS
Yep indeedy. Noisy son of a bitch though.
SHE WALKS OFF
KYLE
Shouldn’t we get Paul?
BEN
Nah. Leave her to sweat a few more hours. Oldest and fattest indeed.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS COME UP ON TOM AND KYLE
TOM
Hello again.
KYLE
Oh. Hi again.
TOM
We seem to be bumping into each other all the time.
KYLE
Yes, it certainly looks that way. You know, it’s a fine line between co-incidence and stalking.
TOM
I’ll go with the former for five hundred, thanks Chuck. [PAUSE] Your friends?
KYLE
Yes I know. Shocking aren’t they? But what can you do? Short of setting the council on them.
TOM
Or the dogs.
KYLE
Quite.
TOM
Do you mind?
KYLE
What? Oh no, please.
TOM SITS NEXT TO KYLE. THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. THEY BOTH SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME.
TOM
How’s your beer?
KYLE
How’s your wife?
TOM
I’m sorry.
KYLE
No, no. You first.
TOM
My wife? Well…I think she’s heading home tomorrow.
KYLE
Oh…that’s pity.
TOM
Not really. I guess we were both a bit too optimistic it might work out but in the end we were just fooling ourselves.
KYLE
And she’s heading home?
TOM
Uh-huh.
KYLE
By herself?
TOM
Uh-huh.
KYLE
I would’ve thought you needed to be with each other.
TOM
That’s the last thing either of us need. No. She’s heading off and I’ll stay a few more days. I mean, the room and everything’s paid for another week. It might give me a little time to clear my head on what to do.
KYLE
Sounds reasonable.
TOM
Stupid really.
KYLE
What?
TOM
I don’t know why I ever agreed to coming up here in the first place. It was all pretty much dead by the time we got on the plane.
KYLE
As long as you gave it your best shot.
HE LOOKS AT KYLE AND SMILES
TOM
And what about you?
KYLE
Me?
TOM
Uh-huh.
KYLE
Well, nothing. I mean, I’m heading home day after tomorrow. The end.
TOM
I meant are you over your little broken heart thing yet?
KYLE
I...don’t know. I really don’t. I should be. It’s been over a month.
TOM
That’s not very long.
KYLE
Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t.
TOM
It’s a pity you’re leaving.
KYLE
Why?
TOM
I heard they’re expecting a change tomorrow. It’s going to be a few days of sun. You might get that tan after all. Though you don’t look like you need it that much.
KYLE
Did I mention I’m gay? Tanning salon lifetime membership. Normally I’m cadaver grey. It takes 3 weeks in a booth just to get me pink and even then it just looks like I’ve had chemo. No, I think maybe home might be the best place to be.
TOM
That’s a pity.
KYLE
Are you flirting with me?
TOM
You’ve asked me that before.
KYLE
I did? That’s right. I did. You didn’t answer.
TOM
You were drunk.
KYLE
And here I am again with a beer bottle in hand because I don’t have a drinking problem and asking you the same question. Are you flirting with me?
TOM
I’m not sure. Would that be a problem?
KYLE
Ah. So that’s the reason your marriage fell apart.
TOM
No. 10 years ago I wanted kids. 10 years ago she wanted kids. 10 years later neither of us wants kids or each other.
KYLE
Don’t change the subject.
TOM
What subject was that?
KYLE
I forget. No, I was asking you are you flirting with me.
TOM
Is that okay?
KYLE
Is that okay? What sort of stupid question is that?
TOM
I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to forgive me. I’m not too experienced in this sort of thing.
KYLE
And what sort of thing are you supposed to be experienced at? If you’re looking at somewhere to test your brakes then I ain’t it. There have been too many blips on the radar this year so you’ll understand I’m very wary of new torpedoes on the horizon, if you know what I mean.
TOM
Not really. I never said you were.
KYLE
Never said I was what?
TOM
I…I’m not sure. What were we talking about?
KYLE
I forget.
TOM
I have a confession.
KYLE
Do I look like a priest?
TOM
I’ve been watching you.
KYLE
Oh. That. Well I can tell you, your attentions have not gone unnoticed. I think my friends are ready to keel haul you, whatever that is. Or something worse.
TOM
Really? I thought as much.
KYLE
There was some talk of hanging you by the gonads to the volley ball net.
TOM
Oh.
KYLE
It’s okay. They just worry about me. My love life up until now has been one car crash of a relationship after another. They’re my pansy paramedics.
TOM
You don’t attract them, do you? Bad love affairs, I mean.
KYLE
Like flies to shit. Oh for want of any other metaphor.
TOM
So when are you leaving?
KYLE
Day after tomorrow.
TOM
That’s a pity.
KYLE
Is it?
TOM
Yep.
KYLE
That’s a pretty weird thing for a straight man to be saying to a gay person of the same genital persuasion, don’t you think?
TOM
I never said I was straight.
KYLE
But you told me…
TOM
I told you I wasn’t gay. In the few relationships I’ve had I always fall in love with people. Not their sex. You know, for a gay man you’re really eager to put labels on people. In my life I’ve had four relationships. The one with my wife…that’s been the longest. But before that it might surprise you to know that I did have a fling with another man for a short time. Well. Actually he was a teenager but then so was I.
KYLE
Oh, so now you’re trying to recapture your youth? Or any youth.
TOM
I think your days of being called are youth are long gone.
KYLE
You know, cheap insults will get you a sandwich de knuckle.
TOM
You don’t frighten me.
KYLE
Wait till we have sex. Oops. Sorry. That was one too many buttons. Retract. Retract.
TOM
That’s okay.
KYLE
You know…I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
TOM
Happen often?
KYLE
Truthfully? No.
TOM
I better go in.
KYLE
Okay.
TOM
Hopefully I’ll see you before you leave.
KYLE
Yeah, sure.
TOM WALKS OFF.
KYLE
Fuck!!!
BLACKOUT.
THERE IS THE SOUND OF DISCO MUSIC AS THE BOYS GO INTO A CHOREOGRAPHED GETTING READY FOR A NIGHT OUT. SOME AS SHARONS AND SOME AS CRAIGS. THEY THEN ALL CHANGE INTO THE SHARONS AND SCREAM. THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER AND FASTER AS THE CHANGE TO MULTIPLE CHARACTERS PLAYING MOMENTS FROM EARLIER SCENES.
SHARON 1
This is much better.
SHARON 2
It’s okay.
SHARON 3
Thank Christ. It’s our last night. If I don’t pick up a root tonight I’m gonna kill myself!
SHARON 4
Oh my god. Check out the guys.
SHARON 3
What guys? They’re a bunch of old farts.
SHARON 1
They’re kinda cute.
SHARON 2
If you like one eyebrow shared between three guys
SHARON 1
What‘re you? Crazy?
LOIS
Shirley will you get a move on. It’s our last week You gotta find a man for crying out loud. Harry, do something. Get her a man now! Or there’ll be no living with her coz I want her out of our house.
HARRY
Are you kidding? There’s nothing but sluts and faggots as far as the eye can see.
LOIS
What about that bunch over there?
CRAIG 3
G’day girls. What’re you up to?
CRAIG 4
Yeah. Wanna root?
SHARON 3
I don’t know. Sharon, you wanna root this lot?
SHARON 4
Yeah okay. But I’m on top. Okay? I’ll show you how it’s really done. Stupid fucking guys. I knew we should have gone on a cruise instead. I hear the Spirit of Tassie rocks.
SHARON 3
You just wanna show ‘em your map of Tassie.
SHARON 4
Ugh. You’re disgusting. It’s true but you’re still disgusting.
LOIS
Harry. What about over there?
HARRY
Where?
LOIS
Those fellas. Shirley? What about them? Shirley? Shirley? Where are you?
HARRY
Shirley baby, come down from there. That’s no way to behave, young lady! Shirley, I will not have you doing that sort of thing. How many drinks have you had? That’s it, young lady. We’re going home.
SHIRLEY RUN DOWNSTAGE AND RAISES HER SKIRT, GIGGLING
HARRY
And stop chewing your goddamn hair!
SHARON 3
Those two guys over there look nice.
SHARON 4
Who? Nah, had ‘em. They were boring.
SHARON 3
That’s okay. Boring is just as good.
SHARON 4
Okay then.
MICHAEL
What is going on here?
BEN
Last night feeding frenzy. I’ve heard about this. Everyone’s trying to score.
MICHAEL
There’s spa boy.
CRAIG 4
G’day.
PAUL
Oh, it’s you again. Haven’t we seen enough of each other.
CRAIG 4
Sorry about before. Can I buy you a drink?
MICHAEL
Is he bothering you?
PAUL
I can handle it. I want an expensive one.
CRAIG 4
How’s about a beer?
PAUL
That works too.
SHARON 3
So what’s your name?
BEN LOOKS AT HER
SHARON 3
I said what’s your name?!
HE PRETENDS TO BE DEAF.
BEN
I’m sorry. I’m deaf
SHARON 3
You’re dead? That’s silly. Come and have a dance with me.
SHE DANCES AWAY FROM HIM AS LOIS COMES UP ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HIM.
LOIS
That’s my daughter Shirley over there with her dress over her head. You wanna dance with her? I can arrange it.
BEN
No thanks.
LOIS
Then how’s about you and I get a little jiggy with it? I’m in room 19. We got 10mins, okay?
BEN
Pass.
THEY ARE ALL DANCING. IT STARTS TO LOOK LIKE THE AIRCRAFT SAFETY DEMONSTRATION, THEN CHANGES TO THE SHARON 4 SEX SCENE, THE NETBALL AND FOOTY DANCE, THE CRAIGS MOVES AND THE SHARONS DANCES. AT ONE POINT KYLE COMES FACE TO FACE WITH TOM THEN QUICKLY THEY PART. AS THE MUSIC BECOMES DEAFENING THEY CHANGE FROM ONE CHARACTER TO ANOTHER BUMPING INTO, REPEATING DIALOGUE AND MOMENTS FROM EARLIER AND WRITHING ABOUT AS THE LIGHTS FADE.
LIGHTS COME UP ON BEN ENTERING WITH A HANGOVER. PAUL FOLLOWS CLOSE BEHIND
BEN
Kyle? There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. We’re cutting our losses. We’re going. We managed to get an earlier flight and we’re leaving in twenty minutes. Are you packed?
PAUL
Is he ready? Kyle, move your side-swiping arse. We’re got a taxi waiting.
THE SOUND OF RAIN
BEN
Jesus, it looks like we’re getting out just in time .The clouds are coming over again. Let’s get out of this dump before we’re drenched.
KYLE
I’m not going.
BEN
What?
PAUL
What?
KYLE
I said I’m not going.
BEN
You’re staying?
KYLE
Maybe.
PAUL
There’s no maybes about it. You’re either staying or your not.
KYLE
Then I guess I am.
PAUL
But here? Kyle, it’s not the arsehole of the world but you can sure see it from here!
KYLE
I think I need some time by myself.
PAUL
No. You need time in prison getting gang banged by Mr Big who’s in with the warders.
BEN
And are you staying because of him?
PAUL
What him? Oh, no. You don’t mean to tell me he’s still after the stalker?
KYLE
I don’t know. I like him.
BEN
You’ve just met him. He has baggage. He has a wife. Oh, and one more important detail. He’s straight!
KYLE
He’s left her.
PAUL
For you? Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not the other woman yet. You have to sleep with them first to get that title.
BEN
You’ve just broken up with fuck-knuckle 4 weeks ago. You think you’re ready for another relationship? That’s if it even happens outside your tiny crazed little mind. I mean, no offence sweetheart, but you’re high maintenance as a friend. How lovers cope with you is a mystery!
KYLE
He isn’t leaving her for me. But…
PAUL
Oh, I haven’t got time for this. I’ll help Michael with the bags. You sort him out. Maybe a quick crack to the skull.
HE EXITS
BEN
Okay, let’s forget for a moment that there’s even a glimmer of a possibility that he might be interested in you. Do you even know anything about him? Where he lives? What he does for a living? And what do you think is going to happen when he decides that maybe a relationship with you is not such a rosy picture? What do you think you’ll do then?
KYLE
I’ll jump off that bridge when I come to it. I just need you to at least be there to support me if I need it. I know it’s a big ask.
BEN
I’ve got a big arse?
KYLE
You know what I mean. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’ll all blow away. But I have to try. I do like him and we haven’t had sex yet. That’s always a good start.
BEN
I’ve always taken the more traditional route. Or any root for that matter. Okay. If you’re sure.
KYLE
I’m not but in for a penny…
BEN
Well I wouldn’t discuss your rates with him yet.
THEY HUG.
BEN
I’ll see you when you get home.
BEN WALKS OFF AS THE RAIN STARTS TO POUR DOWN. TOM WALKS UP TO HIM.
TOM
So…you’re staying?
KYLE
They’ve left without me. They’re bastards.
TOM
I’m glad.
KYLE
Me too.
TOM
So, what room are you staying in?
KYLE
Actually…I hadn’t thought that far ahead. It was kind of spontaneous.
TOM
Well, you’re welcome to stay with me. If you like.
KYLE
Really? That won’t be a problem?
TOM
I promise I won’t jump you.
KYLE
Well, we all live in hope and it’s still early.
TOM
You’re looking a little damp.
KYLE
I’m feeling a little damp.
TOM
Are you cold?
TOM TAKES HIS HAND.
You’re shaking. Are you sure you’re not cold?
THE SOUND OF RAIN GETS HEAVIER. HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HIM TO WARM HIM UP THEN LEANS IN AND KISSES HIM GENTLY. KYLE IS MOMENTARILY STUNNED THEN RECIPROCATES.
KYLE
I’m starting to warm up a little. You ever see the movie Breakfast At Tiffany’s?
TOM
No. Is it a horror movie?
KYLE
For me? Oh yeah.
TOM
Then no.
KYLE
Good. It starts like this. You see there’s this girl…
THE RAIN GETS HEAVIER AS “MOON RIVER” CAN BE HEARD PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY WALK OFF STAGE AS LIGHTS FADE
END