Men In Lycra Rowing Shorts

Love, Death And Other Fantasies

A play by Steven Dawson

First Performed January 17th 2006

Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre

Midsumma Festival

Melbourne, Australia

Cast

Grizz, Tom 2, Lionel          Cameron Hartley                      

Blott, Ken                           Adrian Corbett

Tom                                   Ben Stringer

David                                 Adam Ford

Dean, Waiter                      Sean Gunn

Directed & Designed by  Steven Dawson

Produced by Out Cast Theatre

All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.

Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.

This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT

P.O. Box 445 Paddington

NSW, Australia, 2021

Telephone [02] 9281 9622  Fax [02] 9212 7100

raftos@raftos.com.au

Copyright © 2006 Steven Dawson

Act One

Scene One

DRAMATIC MUSIC AND SMOKE COVERS THE STAGE WITH THE SOUND OF THUNDER AND THE OCCASIONAL FLASH OF LIGHTING. TWO LARGE CREATURES GLIDE VERY SLOWLY ONTO THE STAGE. THEY LOOK LIKE ROTTING ELIZABETHAN FEMALES WITH GROTESQUE FACES. THEY MOVE VERY SLOWLY WITH DEATH LIKE MORBIDITY AND GESTURING.

THEY SLOWLY COME TO A HALT. THEIR MOVEMENTS ARE STATIC, ALMOST BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN-ISH TO START WITH. THEY LOOK AT EACH THEN LOOK TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE. THEY MOVE BACKWARDS AND THEN APPROACH THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE WITH MENACE THEN STOP AGAIN. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THE MUSIC STARTS TO FADE ALONG WITH THE STAGE EFFECTS.

GRIZZ

I think we’re early.

THE OTHER CREATURE ROLLS BACK HER SLEEVE AND LOOKS AT HER WATCH. SHE BANGS THE WATCH AGAINST HER SIDE THEN LOOKS AT THE WATCH

BLOTT

Fuck. I think I’m slow.

GRIZZ

You’re telling me.

BLOTT

About 10 minutes. Does that matter?

GRIZZ

Of course it matters.

BLOTT

We still have a window. I checked the book.

GRIZZ

We’ve missed him.

BLOTT

We haven’t missed him. Maybe he’s already here.

THEY LOOK AROUND

GRIZZ

He’s not here.

BLOTT

Maybe he’s in the loo.

GRIZZ

In the loo. Lovely.

BLOTT

We could do it in there.

GRIZZ

I’m sorry. I don’t work the loos. It’s not very dignified.

BLOTT

One place is as good as another.

GRIZZ

Easy for you to say. Where was it for you again?

BLOTT

Change room at Myers. You?

GRIZZ

Under a horse and cart in Swanston Street. At least you had nice lighting.

BLOTT

You think so? It was fluros all over the place. And I managed to soil myself.

GRIZZ

Well, some people look good under fluros. Even when they are covered in shit.

BLOTT

Name one.

GRIZZ

Him.

A GOOD LOOKING WAITER ENTERS

BLOTT

It’s him.

GRIZZ

It’s not him.

BLOTT STARTS TO WAIL AND GESTICULATE DRAMATICALLY. GRIZZ JOINS IN. THE WAITER HE LOOKS AROUND, COCKS HIS LEG AND FARTS THEN EXITS. BLOTT STANDS THERE DUMBFOUNDED.

BLOTT

I am speechless.

GRIZZ

If only.

BLOTT

People have no class anymore.

GRIZZ

You’re telling me.

BLOTT

You say that a lot, you know.

GRIZZ

Say what?

BLOTT

 “You’re telling me.” You’re always saying it.

GRIZZ

And you notice these things, do you?

BLOTT

I notice everything.

GRIZZ

Except the time.

BLOTT

How many of these things have we done?

GRIZZ

I don’t know. Five or six thousand?

BLOTT

Uh-huh. And this is the first time we missed the gig.

GRIZZ

Gig? What are you? Are rock musician?

BLOTT

I overheard it a couple of jobs back. At that Motley Crue concert. Remember?

GRIZZ

Vividly. My ears are still ringing.

BLOTT

I had a great time.

GRIZZ

I know. I was there. Actually, apart from the music it was quite fun.

BLOTT

Fun?

GRIZZ

Of course. Three Ecstasy OD’s and that idiot that hit the concrete head first when the mosh-pit went weak in the centre. Busy, busy, busy.

BLOTT

Just that for once I would like it to be nice for someone. I’m sick of being the bearer of bad news.

GRIZZ

You’re Death.  You’re nothing but bad news.

BLOTT

Not always.

GRIZZ

Okay. Not always.

BLOTT

Lots of people die in their sleep.

GRIZZ

That’s true.

BLOTT

Those ones are very easy.

GRIZZ

Yes, I know. It’s all Laura Ashley furnishings, nice wallpaper and continental doonas.

BLOTT

It’s all so depressing sometimes, don’t you think?  The dramatic lighting, The “Come with me” gesture and of course the direction “We go this way” point. [HE GESTURES GRANDLY] It’s all so hammy.

GRIZZ

Oh the contrary. I love it. There’s something to be said for tradition. And you can hardly call it boring. It whiles the days away and there’s always plenty of variety. How many occupations do you know that give us such an assortment of special moments?

BLOTT

You really get off on this sort of stuff, don’t you?

GRIZZ

Listen Blott, why don’t you….

BLOTT

Wait, wait. What did you just say?

GRIZZ

When?

BLOTT

Just now. You called me Blott.

GRIZZ

So?

BLOTT

So? That’s the first time you’ve called me that in at least 3 years?

GRIZZ

Well?  It’s your name, isn’t it?

BLOTT

Yes. But it’s been a long time since you said it. In fact it’s been so long since anyone has said my name.

GRIZZ

Maybe that’s because you’re dead.

BLOTT

No that’s not it. It’s because no-one’s taken the time.

GRIZZ

Very unusual name, Blott?

BLOTT

It’s my last name.

GRIZZ

Really?

BLOTT

Uh-huh.

GRIZZ

So what’s your first name?

BLOTT

James.

GRIZZ

James?

BLOTT

Yep.

GRIZZ

That’s a nice name.

BLOTT

I always thought so. Trouble is I so rarely get to use it or even hear it.

GRIZZ

Maybe you should put it on your business card. James “Death” Blott.

BLOTT

So what’s you name?

GRIZZ

You know my name. It’s Grizz.

BLOTT

Now that’s a very unusual name.

GRIZZ

Is it? It’s short for Griswald. It’s from German. It means “He of the Patience Wearing Thin.”

BLOTT

Such a happy race.

GRIZZ

Now why don’t you stop making things so difficult for us both?

BLOTT

I don’t mean to.

GRIZZ

Yes but it happens. And dragging me into all your nonsense.

BLOTT

You’re talking about the costumes, aren’t you?

GRIZZ

Well, the costumes are a good pointer. I’m still not convinced.

BLOTT

You know what they say. Variety is the spice of life.

GRIZZ

But we’re not Life, are we?

BLOTT

No, I guess not.

GRIZZ

Sure, they’re fun but maybe we should have gone for something a little more traditional. Of course I always liked the robes. At a compromise the suits which I thought were pretty classy but this?

BLOTT

The suits made us look like the mafia and the robes were made of cheap material. It’s hard to look ethereal when you’re wearing some cheap housing commission drapes. I just wanted some kind of change.

GRIZZ

I know you do. But there are changes and there are changes.

BLOTT

I just don’t see why we have to stick to the same formula all the time.

GRIZZ

So what do you want?

BLOTT

I just want to talk to them.

GRIZZ

You can’t talk to them. [BEAT] Hang on. Didn’t we have this conversation once before?

BLOTT

Maybe. I don’t t remember

GRIZZ

Maybe my great Aunt Fanny. We did. About 2 years ago. You were standing over some nasty old bag in a nursing home in Noosa and we had this very same conversation.

BLOTT

Did we?

GRIZZ

You know we did. And I’ll tell you now what I remember telling you then. We don’t talk to them. It’s forbidden. These rules can’t be broken. The only reason I let the costumes slide is because no-one’s noticed yet.

BLOTT

I know that. I just want to take the edge off.

GRIZZ

Take the edge off death?

BLOTT

What’s wrong with that?

GRIZZ

Well, for starters it’s stupid.

BLOTT

You know, for someone who’s always boasting about having seen it all and “there ain’t no surprises” you sure are pretty closed minded to new suggestions.

GRIZZ

And just what are you proposing?

BLOTT

I don’t know.

GRIZZ

You want to talk to them even though you know it’s strictly forbidden?

BLOTT

Yes.

GRIZZ

And this talking? What specifically does it entail? You want to talk to them about the weather? You wanna have little fireside chats about the kids or the state of the economy?

BLOTT

Don’t patronise me.

GRIZZ

I’m not. I just need to wrap my head around this whole “talking to them” concept.

BLOTT

That’s not what I mean.

GRIZZ

Then what?

BLOTT

I just want to tell them that it’ll be alright. That they shouldn’t be frightened. I want to say to them… “Don’t worry. It’s all so pretty. You’ll like it.”

GRIZZ

I see.

BLOTT

Now don’t you think that would be nice?

GRIZZ

Have you seen some of the ones we’ve been escorting lately? Murderers, politicians, banking executives? You wanna make it “nice” for them?

BLOTT

Don’t you?

GRIZZ

Good heavens no. I don’t. I want to keep doing what we’ve been doing without any screw-ups, without any late or missed appointments and most importantly without any talking!

BLOTT

You’re not a very happy person, are you?

GRIZZ

I’m Death! It’s all part of this fabulous fucking job description!

BLOTT

You’re getting upset. You always curse when you’re upset.

GRIZZ

That only started about five years ago. Let me see. Just about the time I got paired up with you, I think.

BLOTT

I was just making a suggestion.

GRIZZ

I know you were and lovely as it all sounds, it’s not going to happen. We have a job to do. We come, we scare the molasses out of them and then we take them away. That’s it. Job done. Time card punched, hoist anchor and sail off into the sunset!

BLOTT

That horse and cart that ran you over?

GRIZZ

What about it?

BLOTT

Are you sure that was an accident?

GRIZZ

Very funny.

BLOTT

Well, what do we do now?

GRIZZ

I’m not sure. This hasn’t happened before. Not to me, anyway. Although there was that one time long before you came onto the scene and as I remember that was a recall.

BLOTT

A recall?

GRIZZ

Yes. The client got a reprieve. On an operating table. Lucky bastard. Doesn’t happen too often but it has been known to. [LOOKS AROUND] I think we wait for a sign.

BLOTT

Client?

GRIZZ

Well, what do you call them? Victim?

BLOTT

I’ve always thought of them as passengers. Sounds so much friendlier. And we’re like their guides.

GRIZZ

You know, it amazes me how always manage to put a poetic spin on everything. The right lighting, the right mood. It’s almost as though you’re avoiding admitting what you really do.

BLOTT

Job descriptions alter.

GRIZZ

Not this one, my friend.

BLOTT

I know it can’t all be beautiful.

GRIZZ

That’s right. I think maybe you’re forever trying to buck the system because your own death wasn’t very pleasant.

BLOTT

It was a heart attack. It was a long one and I was paralysed for 2 hours. I couldn’t even yell out. It was only when someone noticed the smell that they realised I was still in there. Bloody shop assistants.

GRIZZ

Ah. So that’s why you’re more eager taking sales staff. I thought there was a reason you liked to linger.

BLOTT

You ever tried being served by them? With them I don’t mind a little violence!

GRIZZ

Don’t you think you’re being hypocritical?

BLOTT

I can accept that. No-one says I have to be rational. As long as I’m efficient no one seems to say anything.

GRIZZ

That’s true. You’ve been very lucky.

BLOTT

But…

GRIZZ

But what?

BLOTT

Well, it’s all so depressing, don’t you find? Isn’t there something more you want to do with your death?

GRIZZ

No. I think I pretty much covered every thing I wanted in my life before passing over.

BLOTT

Surely you missed something?

GRIZZ

No. Not that I’m aware of. Although I would’ve loved to go sky-diving.

BLOTT

You did that last year.

GRIZZ

That hardly counts when you’re only there to pluck what’s left of an eighty year old daredevil pensioner out of a tree.

BLOTT

What about love?

GRIZZ

What about it?

BLOTT

Did you ever love?

GRIZZ

Once or twice. Well, once.

BLOTT

Really?

GRIZZ

You sound surprised?

BLOTT

Just a little. You don’t come across as very loving.

GRIZZ

You’re quite wrong. I have loved with a great and powerful passion.

BLOTT

[LAUGHS] You sound like you’re reading that off a card.

GRIZZ

You forget I come from a different time. People didn’t throw that word around like so much confetti.

BLOTT

So tell me about this great love of yours.

GRIZZ

I’m not so sure I need to talk about that.

BLOTT

Well, we’ve got nothing else to do until he arrives or we get some sign. You’re always so secretive.

GRIZZ

I’m not secretive. I’ve just chosen not to tell you anything.

BLOTT

Sounds secretive to me.

GRIZZ

You don’t need to know about my former life!

BLOTT

You’re right. And you don’t need to know about mine. None of us needs to know anything about anything but it would kill the time and it’s not like we have much else to do at the moment.

GRIZZ

I can’t see the logic in it.

BLOTT

Fine.

THEY ARE QUIET FOR A MOMENT

GRIZZ

His name was Geordie.

BLOTT

A man?

GRIZZ

You sound surprised.

BLOTT

Try flabbergasted.

GRIZZ

Try shutting up! [PAUSE] It was in Flanders during the Great War. Terrible days. But, you know, even in those dark times we also had moments of pure ecstasy. His kisses were sweeter than honey.

BLOTT

Whatever happened to him?

GRIZZ

He died in the trenches one bitterly cold night from the frost and I…well, I returned home with a bullet wound in the hip. Sometimes I think it would’ve been easier if both of us had died that day. [PAUSE] So there you have it. End of story. Now, do you feel you know me any better?

BLOTT

A little. Those moments you speak of. Of “pure ecstasy.” You are talking about sex, aren’t you?

GRIZZ

I’m beginning to think we have nothing in common. Of course we’re talking about sex!

BLOTT

I just wanted to make sure. I know in those days it was all a bit Victorian but I’d still like to think I’m not sharing eternity with a complete virgin.

GRIZZ

I think I’m going to talk to someone about getting a transfer.

BLOTT

Now don’t you think that maybe your friend, when he died, he would’ve preferred being collected by someone who could assure him a lovely transition from this plain into the next. That he had someone who could give just a few encouraging words to take the cold hard finality of it all away.

GRIZZ

But it’s not a cold, hard finality, is it? You and I both know there’s something more.

BLOTT

Do we?

GRIZZ

Of course there is. We don’t just take them on a wild goose chase once around the parlour  then stuff their souls in a cupboard!

BLOTT

I know that and you know that but they don’t. We turn up and it’s all gesture, gesture, gesture. “Excuse me and please feel free to empty your bowels!” In my mind that’s enough to scare the bejesus out of them.

GRIZZ

Their journey is just beginning. If you ask me, they’re the lucky ones.

BLOTT

Lucky ones? How do you work that out?

GRIZZ

They’re going to a better place.

BLOTT

They’re dead!

GRIZZ

Yes, but at least they’re not stuck in some ethereal limbo like some over-dressed Thomas Cook tour guide.

BLOTT

But it’s not forever, is it? One day we’ll get to cross over.

GRIZZ

That’s right.

BLOTT

This is just a test. To prove our worth.

GRIZZ

That’s what they tell me.

BLOTT

That’s what you told me!! It’s not everyone that gets to do this.

GRIZZ

What? Oh yes, we’re very lucky.

BLOTT

And then someone will collect us.

GRIZZ

No. I think ours is a little different. It just…happens.

BLOTT

Why?

GRIZZ

Well, for starters we’re already dead!

BLOTT

I preferred it when you called it “passing.”

GRIZZ

Well, whatever it is, when it happens it will be different.

PAUSE

BLOTT

And some stay longer to do this than others?

GRIZZ

That’s right.

BLOTT

How many partners have you had?

GRIZZ

Four.

BLOTT

Four?

GRIZZ

That’s right.

BLOTT

And they’ve all moved up?

GRIZZ

That’s right.

BLOTT

Before you?

GRIZZ

Your point?

BLOTT

Boy, that must really piss you off.

GRIZZ

What?

BLOTT

That your partners get to move up and you’re still stuck here.

GRIZZ

I’m not stuck here! But I can honestly say that some partners are better than others!

BLOTT

You can’t tell me you haven’t enjoyed our time together.

GRIZZ

Hah! Well, it certainly hasn’t been dull.

BLOTT

I’ve enjoyed your company.

GRIZZ

I…well, thank you. I suppose I’ve enjoyed yours too…at times.

BLOTT

You know I’ve never told you this but I think you’re very good at what you do.

GRIZZ

[SUSPICIOUS] Am I?

BLOTT

You most certainly are. Very professional.

GRIZZ

Thank you. It’s nice of you to say so.

BLOTT

Very slick.

GRIZZ

I like to think so.

BLOTT

Got all your moves down to a fine art.

GRIZZ

One needs to be prepared. I’ve always said it’s in the timing. Not everyone can do this.

BLOTT

Nor should they. And the clients appreciate your professionalism.

GRIZZ

Do they? You see, I’m never quite sure. It’s kind of hard to read beneath the sheer horror of it all.

BLOTT

I see it in their faces. Well, those that have faces left. They like it when Death knows what it’s doing.

GRIZZ

I’m sure I’d appreciate it if I were in their position.

BLOTT

That’s because you care about your work.

GRIZZ

One can’t do this job without caring.

BLOTT

Otherwise you might as well go back to the old cloak, bony hands and scythe.

GRIZZ

Ugh. The bad, old days. Thank heavens we’ve moved on. Now that was a change that really helped the whole industry.

BLOTT

Change is a good thing.

GRIZZ

It sure is. It…

[PAUSE]

We’re not doing it!

BLOTT

Can’t we even say hello?

GRIZZ

Not allowed.

BLOTT

Just once.

GRIZZ

No!

BLOTT

Well, what do we do now? [PAUSE]  I could really murder an cappuccino right now.

GRIZZ

You’ve never had a cappuccino?

BLOTT

Well, neither have you.

GRIZZ

So what’s the point of bringing it up?

BLOTT

Do you have a better idea?

GRIZZ

Well, we can’t really hang around here much longer. Maybe you should check once more..

BLOTT

I’ve already checked twice.

GRIZZ

Well, check it again.

BLOTT TAKES OUT A NOTEPAD AND THUMBS THROUGH IT. HE STOPS FOR A MOMENT

BLOTT

Oh dear.

GRIZZ

Why do I not like the sound of that?

BLOTT

Corner of Commercial and Chapel.

GRIZZ

And where are we?

BLOTT

Two blocks south.

GRIZZ

Bloody hell.

THEY RUSH OFF STAGE. THERE IS THE SOUND OF SCREECHING TYRES AND A THUD. THEY RUSH BACK ON AND CROSS THE STAGE, WAILING AND GESTURING WILDLY AS THEY EXIT AGAIN

GRIZZ

Jesus!

BLACKOUT

Scene Two

STREET NOISES. A MAN SITS AT A CAFÉ. HE LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD FOR A MOMENT. HE EYES THE AUDIENCE THEN LOOKS AWAY. HE LOOKS BACK AGAIN ALMOST EMBARRASSED.

MAN

He shouldn’t be too long. 30 minutes. [BEAT] Probably held up in traffic. [PAUSE] Though I thought he said he didn’t drive. I guess he could have said he doesn’t drive but still have a car. You’d think he would’ve come in the car if he had one. He didn’t say. Or maybe he did. I don’t remember. It was a week ago.

I gotta say it’s kind of exciting and a little worrying as well. I’ve never been on a blind date. Met him on Gaydar. Sounds to me like the last act of a desperate man but my batting average lately has negated any feelings of guilt. It feels like forever since the last time I had sex. And if it doesn’t happen soon I’m revoking my gay membership, becoming a nun and renting my crotch out as an ant farm. Christ, if I had one less vertebrae I’d just stay home and blow myself.

I wonder what he’ll look like. He says he’s a rower like me. You have to be slim. Have to be light to get in the boats. Christ, I hope I don’t know him. Don’t know what he’ll think of me. Haven’t been near a gym since I was a teenager. I hate my body. Actually that’s not true. Under certain conditions it looks okay. Middle of a blizzard. The odd sandstorm.

[LOOKS AT HIS WATCH] 32 minutes. He’s not gonna show. I knew it. First date in months and I get stood up. Bastard. Well, I hope his oar snaps and smacks him upside of the head. I hope his boat hits a swan and sinks. I hope… [BEAT] I hope he turns up soon. It’s starting to get cold.

And if anyone’s wondering why it’s been six months since the last time I had sex well, you can go to hell. I’m not that ugly. Otherwise I’d be in politics. I just haven’t had much luck with guys in the past. I know the problem’s with me. I expect too much from people so there’s nowhere to go but down…and not in that way either. I guess I’ve been saving myself for someone special. But in the meantime I’ve slept with a lot of guys who, frankly, just aren’t that special.

I don’t think it’s asking too much to get a crack at the perfect man. I saw him once, you know. I was sixteen and I went up to Sydney with my mother to visit my aunty. She lives in one of those old terrace houses in Darlinghurst. It’s such a grotty suburb but there’s so much happening never noticed the filth and the dirt and druggies and the prostitutes. Her house was great. But the best thing was that it was just across the road from the Kings Cross Fire Station. As soon as the alarm went off I’d rush to the front upstairs window and watch the firemen rushing off to some emergency somewhere in the city. These guys were amazing. They’d fly down to their trucks, pulling on their uniforms and roaring out of the garage like a…well, like a fire engine, I guess. It was pretty exciting. For months after I dreamed of being a firemen. Just to be a part of it all. All that action. Much later I realised you can actually get killed and I went right off the idea. Even the novelty of the alarm wore off after a few days, especially at 3 in the morning. I wasn’t rushing to the window then.

It was the day before I was coming home and I was standing at the window. It was a really hot summer day and several of the guys in the fire station had their shirts off. I could see one dark figure towards the back of the station I hadn’t seen before. He was hosing down the back of the engine and occasionally splashing the guys down the front.  They were all laughing. I wanted to join them. He moved into the light and the sunlight hit his face hard. He was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen in my life. He had olive skin and a moustache. Looked like Tom Selleck…when he was younger of course. I’m a big Magnum fan. His arms were massive but not overdone like some guys these days. They can’t even clap their hands together without puncturing an implant.

He was breathtaking. I watched him for 40 minutes. I watched as he took off his blue t-shirt and stood there in just his yellow trousers and red braces. I watched as he hosed down the engine. I watched as the water splashed down his dark hairy chest. I watched as his hand reached up and touched his nipple. I watched as he looked up at my window right at me. Oh shit!

I stepped back from the window. My heart’s racing. Did he see me? Of course he did. I sit on the bed and close my eyes and try to remember everything I’d just seen. The thickness of the hair on his chest. The shine on his skin. I get up and lock the door. I slowly walk back to the window and looked down. He’s not there any more. The others are still at the engine polishing it.

I see something move on the first floor. Must be a storeroom because I’ve never seen anyone in there before.

For a moment I thought I was seeing things. A dark shadow moving about the room. I try to adjust my eyes and then I realised it’s him. He’s standing in the room towards the back. I can see directly into the room to him and he can see me. He still had his shirt off as he moves and stands in front of the window and smiles. I watch his hand go up and touch his chest again. He never takes his eyes off me. He drops down for a moment then stands up then backs away from the window and leans against a table. This time he’s got no pants on and he was stroking his big cock.

He gestures for me to do the same. I didn’t know what I’m doing but I find myself undoing my belt buckle like my pants were on fire. My jeans quickly drop to the floor and my dick springs up like a diving board. He’s pulling his cock so fast I have trouble trying to keep up. But at 16 years old it takes me all of about 30 seconds to shoot all over the window pane. I watch him lean back and shoot his load high up all over his chest. We were both breathing really heavy. He wipes some of it off and looks at me then licks his fingers and smiles. The he pulls his trousers up and leaves the room. I wipe down the window with a sock and just lay back on the bed. I closed my eyes and think what it would be like to lie in bed with his big arms wrapped around me. I tasted my come and imagined it was his.

I leave the next day never seeing him again even though I was at the window every 15 minutes just to make sure.

I go home. I go home and for the next 3 years I’d jerk off to the image of that man. My fireman. You know, even when I started having sex with guys I wasn’t always thinking about them. But I wasn’t always thinking about his dick either. At first it was and the sex would always be fantastic but then it got more elaborate and more specific. I’d create this whole fantasy for the two of us. About how we’d meet. What shoes he’d wear. How many holes in his belt. What brand of after shave. But as I got older I’d just think of him holding me. His big arms wrapped around me and holding me tight, his smile, his touch. I could fall asleep with that story playing over and over in my head.

Six months ago I went back to Sydney and after a few hours walking around I find myself in the Cross so I go to pay my Aunt’s old house a visit. Her home isn’t there any more. Just a row of shops and cafes. I ordered a coffee, sat down and looked across the road. The station’s still there. I sit there for about an hour watching people walk past. Occasionally some guys would go in.  I finish my coffee and walk across the road and stand by the side of the entrance. I take a deep breath and smell the air. It’s all petrol and wet concrete. One of the firemen comes out and sees me. He comes over to me and starts talking to me. He’s very friendly. He’s very cute. I lie and tell him I’m really interested in fire engines and thinking about becoming a fireman. He proceeds to give me a tour of the engine and goes into detail about everything that goes on at the station.

I ask him what’s on the first floor. He looks at me for a moment then smiles and took me up the stairs. He points out the rec room and the accommodation wing. Then he takes me past one room. I look in. It has a window facing on to the street and straight across from the building where my Aunt’s house use to be. He’s still talking and hasn’t shut up. I suddenly realise I’m in the room I’d seen the fireman in all those years ago.

I look out the window with the sun coming through the large maple tree standing outside. I close my eyes and lay my forehead against the window. A few moments later I hear the door shut and I realise he’s stopped talking. I turn around and he’s about a foot away from me looking into my eyes. He moves closer and runs his hands up my chest. He leans in and kisses me. I close my eyes. His breath isn’t sweet at all. It’s a combination of white wine breath and pickled onions or something. He pulls off his blue t-shirt and his skin was slightly pock marked and sunburnt. I pulled away but he’s already undoing my belt. He drops to his knees, pulls my cock out and starts sucking me. I’m not even hard. And he isn’t very good. He’s all teeth and no finesse. I try to shuffle him around so I can face out the window.

I close my eyes and feel the sun on my face. I see my fireman from all those years ago. I imagine him now with me in this room. I feel him kissing me hard. His arms wrapped around me. Holding on. Never letting me go. I press my hands up against the window frame and kiss my arms imagining it’s his kisses. It’s him on his knees in front of me now, taking my cock in his mouth. Swallowing me down to the hilt. Swallowing. My balls draw up and my knees go weak as I shoot. He swallows it all.

I open my eyes and look at my golden reflection in the window. I look at the tears coming down my cheek. Why am I crying? He wasn’t bad. No blow job is ever that bad. It’s just that he…he wasn’t the one I wanted, I guess. I wipe them away. I look down at the head still in my crotch. I pull him up and kiss him quickly. I thank him like some idiot, make some dreadful excuse, zip up and run out of there, feeling even worse for not having reciprocated. I run down the street and sit in a doorway just shaking and crying and…I can’t understand why I feel miserable?

I’ve been a little gun shy since then. Haven’t been able to…connect with anyone. Till this guy, of course. Last resort, I guess. Or brand new world. Depends on your expectations. Mine are pretty low at the moment.

[LOOKS AT HIS WATCH] 50 minutes. He’s not going to show.

 I’ll just have some coffee.

LIGHTS FADE ON TOM. BLACKOUT.

Scene Three

THE SOUND OF WATER RUSHING PAST. SHIMMERING LIGHTS COME UP. KEN STANDS LOOKING OFF IN THE DISTANCE AS THE WATER SOUNDS GET LOUDER. HE STARTS TO SOB AS THE LIGHTS FADE.

Scene Four

LIGHTS COME UP ON THE CHANGE ROOM OF A SPORTS CLUB. THERE ARE BENCHES ON EITHER SIDE OF THE STAGE AND UPSTAGE ANOTHER BENCH AND A SET OF LOCKERS. TWO MEN FACE EACH OTHER.

DEAN

Like I said, he shouldn’t be too long.

DAVID

Right.

DEAN

You okay?

DAVID

Sure. Why?

DEAN

Your eyes look a little puffy.

DAVID

Oh. Hay fever. Early mornings and all that. Always does it to me.

DEAN

Okay. Dean.

DAVID

What?

DEAN

Dean. The name’s Dean.

DAVID

Oh. David.

DEAN

Nice to meet you, David.

THEY SHAKE HANDS AWKWARDLY.

DAVID

You with the rowing team?

DEAN

Yep. Last 2 years.

DAVID

2 years?

DEAN

Yeah, I know. Glutton for punishment. Most people are looking for other teams after 6 months. But it’s local and the guys are okay. Except for Ken, of course.

DAVID

Oh?

DEAN

Not that I want to speak out of turn or nothing. You’ll find out soon enough. Bit of a hard arse. Don’t get me wrong. On land he’s okay but out on the water, it’s Mutiny on The Bounty and he’s Captain Fucking Ahab.

DAVID

Bligh.

DEAN

Sorry?

DAVID

Captain Bligh. Ahab is from Moby Dick.

DEAN

Oh. Of course. Well, Lionel can be a bit of a Moby Dick as well. [PAUSE] You read a lot then?

DAVID

Uh-huh. When I can. My one big vice.

DEAN

I’m sure you have others.

DAVID

Right.

DEAN

Well, you should do alright.

DAVID

For what?

DEAN

The team. To tell you the truth, you couldn’t have come at a better time. Said the vicar to the call girl. [BEAT] Don’t know what that means but my dad always said it. Yeah, I think we’re gonna need someone new pretty soon. Some people aren’t pulling their weight, if you know what I mean, and on skulls that can be pretty important.

DAVID

I see.

DEAN

Yeah. Between you, me this team really lacks a bit of leadership at the moment. You’ll see what I mean at the try out. Maybe you’re just what this team needs. A bit of fresh blood.

DAVID

Hey, I’m just here to try out.

DEAN

You’ll be fine. So, you’re into water sports, are you?

DAVID

What?

DEAN

[LAUGHING] Just kidding. So what else do you do?

DAVID

Oh. I’m a teacher.

DEAN

Fuck. Really?

DAVID

Fraid so.

DEAN

So that’s why you knew about Moby Dick and all that other shit.

DAVID

Well, like I said. I like to read.

DEAN

Yeah. Me too. I’m reading Warnie’s auto thing at the moment. Fucking hilarious. Been reading it for about 6 months now. Can’t put it down.

DAVID

Six months?

DEAN

Yeah. Brilliant. Is that the sort of books you read?

DAVID

Uh, not quite.

DEAN

Well you should. Tell you what. When I’m finished with it I’ll lend it to you.

DAVID

Great.

DEAN

So you teach? Must be fun.

DAVID

It’s alright. I thinking of going back to uni and doing my Masters.

DEAN

Oh yeah?

DAVID

Yes.

DEAN

Master’s what?

DAVID

Masters in Education

DEAN

Why?

DAVID

Oh. I’m thinking of becoming a headmaster or something like that.

DEAN

Hated my headmaster.

DAVID

Did you?

DEAN

Yeah. He was a real prick. Had a little mo like Adolph Hitler and acted like him as well. Don’t know what it is that makes leadership turn you into a real fucking twat but this guy had it in spades.

DAVID

Right.

DEAN

Oh sorry. I tend to swear a lot. Me girlfriend’s always telling me off.

DAVID

I see.

DEAN

You have a girlfriend? Oh, of course not. You’d probably have a wife or something by now.

DAVID

Thanks. No, I’m not married.

DEAN

Oh I get it. You lucky bastard.

DAVID

What do you mean?

DEAN

Happily single, huh? Out there every night. You must be beating them off.

DAVID

Once or twice but I don’t make a habit of it.

DEAN

Geez that’s fucking great.

DAVID

It is?

DEAN

Yeah, best thing in the world being single.

DAVID

And does your girlfriend feel the same way?

DEAN

She wants to get married.

DAVID

And you don’t.

DEAN

Oh, yeah of course. We’re gonna do it in about 6 months. Small do. I mean, she hasn’t got any family and neither do I so we’re perfect for each other. Might even do it in the registry office. I mean, we’ve done it everywhere else. [LAUGHS] Just kidding.

DAVID

Of course you are

 KEN ENTERS FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY TOM

KEN

Howdy.

TOM

Hi.

DAVID

Hi.

DEAN

This is David.

KEN

David?

DAVID

Uh-huh.

KEN

Nice to meet you. Ken.

DAVID

Nice to meet you, Ken.

TOM SHAKES DAVID’S HAND

TOM

Tom. You here for the try out?

DAVID

Fraid so.

KEN

That’s great. You ever row before?

DAVID

Just at school. Might be a little rusty.

KEN

I’m sure you’ll be fine.

TOM

Yeah, you‘ll do great.

DEAN

Yeah. You don’t have to be top of the range to get on this team.

KEN

Ignore him, David. Maybe when Dean joined the team they weren’t too fussy but we’ve come along way since then and most of us take a lot of pride in what we do.

DAVID

I’m sure you…

KEN

This is a good group when you get to know them and we all take it pretty seriously.

TOM

We know you take it seriously.

KEN

So what’s the attraction? With rowing, I mean. The pace? The team workout, the taking down of arrogant bastards in other teams? If you’ll forgive my language.

TOM

Language? Fuck me sideways.

KEN

David?

DAVID

I like the shorts.

KEN

Shorts?

DAVID

Uh-huh.

PAUSE. THERE IS A MOMENT OF AWKWARDNESS THEN DEAN AND TOM BURST OUT LAUGHING. AFTER A MOMENT KEN LAUGHS AS WELL

KEN

Boy, you had me going for a moment. “I like the shorts.” Very funny. Yeah well, who doesn’t? They’re like a second skin. Sometimes you forget you have anything on.

TOM

Fucking oath. Certainly lets the ladies know what’s on offer as well.

DEAN

Yeah. Chicks really get off seeing the whole fruit basket on display.

KEN

Fruit basket? I’m sorry David. You’ll have to forgive them. They’re from the suburbs and sometimes their demeanour can be a little…well, unpolished.

DEAN

Hey, don’t mind us. We’re just stirring. [BEAT] But really the chicks love to see a bloke’s cock through this stuff. I reckon that’s what most are the spectators come to watch.

TOM

Hey, you ever see that picture of Princess Anne handing out the medals at the Sydney Olympics? Didn’t leave much to the imagination. All those knobs on display. Looked like a continental deli. It was enough to make her tiara twirl.

KEN

Maybe they come to see some great rowing? Did you ever think of that?

DEAN

From this team? Don’t kid yourself.

KEN

Dean, Tom…maybe we should let David do his try-out before we start running down the team. I’m sure he might get the impression by the way you both talk that some of us see this as just an excuse for a Saturday booze up with a bit of rowing on the side.

TOM

There’s rowing as well?

DEAN

Well, I don’t know about you, Ken [WINKING AT DAVID] but that’s what I signed up for.

TOM

‘Ken oath.

KEN

Then maybe you should just take your esky on the boat and save yourself some time.

DEAN

Well, Ken, I would but there’s a couple of fat arses on there taking up more than their share of room. What we need are a couple of skinnier rowers on the team. Know where we can find some?

KEN IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING THEN DECIDES AGAINST IT.

KEN

I might see where Lionel is?

HE EXITS

TOM

Fucking tosser.

DEAN

Yeah, don’t mind him. He’s more uptight than a fish’s freckle.

DAVID

Nice.

DEAN

I love stirring him. I know I shouldn’t but the guy’s such an easy mark. He’s very sensitive about his weight as well.  And so he should be. Fat cunt.

TOM

I better go help the old fart with the boats.

TOM EXITS. DEAN TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF AND RUBS HIS CHEST BEFORE PULLING ON HIS ROWING SUIT.

DEAN

So…after the tryout what are you doing?

DAVID

[DISTRACTED BY DEAN’S BODY ON SHOW] Uh. Nothing planned. Just going home and reading the Saturday papers, I guess.

DEAN

Oh, okay. You wanna maybe go grab a coffee?

DAVID

Together?

DEAN

Well I guess we could go separately but that kinda defeats the purpose, don’t you think?

DAVID

Uh…sure. Coffee sounds okay.

THE SOUND OF WATER RUSHING PAST STARTS TO BUILD UP AS THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. LIGHTS FADE.

THE LIGHTS COME UP ON THE FIVE MEN SITTING ASTRIDE THE BENCHES LENGTHWISE AS IF ON A ROWING SKIP WITH DAVID AND DEAN AT THE BACK OF THE FORMATION.  THEY GO THROUGH A CHOREOGRAPHED ROUTINE OF ROWING BUT MORE STYLISED, ALMOST DANCE-LIKE.

DRUMS COME INTO THE ROWING. OVER THE TOP OF THE SOUND OF WATER IS A COX YELLING INSTRUCTION. THE ROWING GOES FASTER ALONG WITH THE SOUND OF WATER AND THE VOICE-OVER OF THE COX,  PICKING UP PACE INTO A FRANTIC FINISH. THE MOVEMENTS BECOME LESS DANCE LIKE AND MORE REALISTIC IN THE ROWING STROKES. THEY ROW FASTER AND FASTER UNTIL THE RACE FINISHES. THEY ALL COLLAPSE IN TRIUMPH.  DAVID DROPS BACK EXHAUSTED. DEAN LEANS FORWARD AND QUICKLY KISSES HIM ON THE FOREHEAD. DAVID TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS BACK AT DEAN, A LITTLE SHOCKED. DEAN SMILES. DAVID THINKS IT IS JUST A FRIENDLY PECK. HE DROPS BACK AGAIN EXHAUSTED. THIS TIME DEAN GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM DEEPLY ON THE MOUTH. THE LIGHTS SNAP OUT BUT THE MUSIC AND DRUM BEATS CONTINUE LOUDLY

LIGHTS COME UP FAINTLY ON DAVID AND DEAN UPSTAGE NAKED AND PRESSED AGAINST THE LOCKERS, KISSING PASSIONATELY WITH THE SOUND OF STEAM AND WATER FROM A SHOWER. IT BECOMES A PASSIONATE SEX SCENE AS DAVID DROPS DOWN TO GIVE DEAN HEAD UNTIL HE HAS AN ORGASM THEN PULLS DAVID UP. DEAN TURNS AROUND AND DAVID PROCEEDS TO FUCK HIM UNTIL THEY CLIMAX AGAIN. HE TURNS DEAN AROUND AND KISSES HIM.  IT IS ALMOST DREAM-LIKE AS THE STEAM ENVELOPES THEM.

BLACKOUT

Scene Five

TWO CHAIRS DOWNSTAGE. TOM SITS ON ONE CHAIR LOOKING FORWARD. THE SOUND OF A TRAIN. HE HOLDS A COPY OF THE DA VINCI CODE. HE STARTS TO START READING THEN STOPS. HE CLOSES THE BOOK. HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW. ANOTHER MAN ENTERS, LOOKS AROUND THEN SITS DOWN IN THE OTHER CHAIR. THE FIRST MAN LOOKS AT HIM THEN LOOKS AWAY

TOM 2

Good book?

TOM

Sorry?

TOM 2

I said good book.

TOM

Oh. I don’t know. I haven’t really got into it. Only just started.

TOM 2

Oh.

PAUSE

Everyone’s reading it.

TOM

Yeah, they are.

TOM 2

Can’t get on a train without seeing someone with a copy in their hand. Very popular.

TOM

Yes, it is. Don’t know what all the fuss is about really.

PAUSE

Have you read it?

TOM 2

What? Oh. No. Don’t read that much. Except for the papers. Like to know what’s going on. Of course I take it all with a grain of salt. I read all the papers then I can cross reference to see what the story actually is. Used to watch the news in the morning but now it’s all just talking heads with opinions trying to be Colin Clever or Freddy Funny. No real news. Hate the telly. Know what I mean?

TOM

Yeah. Yeah I know what you mean.

PAUSE

That’s funny.

TOM 2

What?

TOM

What you said. Colin Clever. Freddy Funny.

TOM 2

Oh. I do that sometimes.

TOM

Right.

BOTH
[IN UNISON] I’ve seen you before, you know. Oh, really? Yes. Just on the train. Yes. I’ve seen you too. You’re always up the/down the back/front. Needed a change.

PAUSE

TOM 2

I suppose some people go their whole lives seeing the same people every day for years and not say a word. They could almost be lovers…without the sex, of course.

TOM IS STARTLED BY THE MENTION OF SEX AND BOTH SEEM A LITTLE EMBARRASSED AT THE MENTION. THEY LOOK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER

TOM

Sounds like most of the couples I know. Years together and no sex.

TOM 2

You know lots of couples not having sex?

TOM

No. Not really. I was just…talking.

TOM 2

Don’t you need to get off?

TOM

You can tell?

TOM 2

No, I mean, don’t you need to get off the train? I think this is your stop.

TOM

Oh. Yes of course.

HE GETS UP NERVOUSLY AND LEAVES AS THE SOUND OF THE TRAIN COMES UP AND THE LIGHTS GO DOWN.

Scene Six

DAVID AND DEAN SIT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER, BOTH IN TOWELS. DEAN TOUCHES HIS OWN NIPPLES ENTICINGLY TO TEASE HIM. DAVID SMILES AND THROWS A SPARE TOWEL AT HIM.

DAVID

Well.

DEAN

Yeah. Well.

DAVID

That was a bit out of the blue. I wasn’t expecting that at all.

DEAN

Neither was I.

DAVID

Are you sure about that? You don’t hit on every rookie that walks through the door?

DEAN

About fifty per cent.

DAVID

Really?

DEAN

Of course not.

DAVID

Thank God.

DEAN

Just the ugly ones.

DAVID

Thanks very much.

DEAN

Jesus. You’re easier to take the piss out of than Ken.

DAVID

Oh.

DEAN

Not bad for a try out.

DAVID

Thanks.

DEAN

Yeah but your rowing leaves a lot to be desired?

DAVID

You mongrel.

DEAN

I am kidding.

DAVID

You’re sure no-ones going to come in here?

DEAN

Positive. They left half an hour ago and I always do the lock up.

DAVID

What about other teams?

DEAN

We’re the last ones in for the day.

DAVID

So…You want to continue this somewhere else?

DEAN

I’d love to but I can’t. Have to get home.

DAVID

Oh. Shit.

DEAN

What?

DAVID

I forgot.

DEAN

What?

DAVID

Your fiancé.

DEAN

What about her?

DAVID

You have one!

DEAN

I know.

DAVID

Oh, shit. Fucking hell. How could I have forgotten? I must be so horny it’s affected my brain.

DEAN

As long as that’s all it affected.

DAVID

I have to get out of here.

HE STARTS GRABBING HIS CLOTHES AND TRYING TO PUT THEM ON UNDER HIS TOWEL.

DEAN

What are you doing?

DAVID

Leaving.

DEAN

Why?

DAVID

Why??? Because you’re getting married, you silly fucker! And I’ve just had sex with someone’s fiancé. And I’m Catholic! You have any idea just how many rules I’m breaking right now? I could get burned at the stake!

DEAN

You’re Catholic? Well that explains a lot.

DAVID

Yes and don’t change the subject.

DEAN

But I’m not getting married today.

DAVID

What?

DEAN

I said I’m not getting married today.

DAVID IS STUNNED FOR A MOMENT THEN CONTINUES GRABBING HIS CLOTHES, TRYING TO GET DRESSED. DEAN TRIES TO GRAB HIM.

What’s the hurry? I still have another 30minutes. We can still have some more fun.

DAVID

I can’t believe I let this happen. [TURNING ON HIM] I can’t believe you let it happen.

DEAN

Jesus, it was just a fuck. Stop making such a big deal out of it.

DAVID

Dean, I was horny. You’re getting married…to someone else! It is a big deal!

DEAN STARTS TO KISS HIM ALL OVER THE FACE AND UPPER BODY

DEAN

C’mon. You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it.

DAVID

I…

HE STARTS TO SURRENDER.

DEAN

You loved me sucking your cock. I loved you sucking mine.

DAVID

Oh…shit.

DEAN

Besides, she’s never gonna find out.

DAVID STOPS. HE TURNS AND IS JUST AT THE DOOR WHEN HE TURNS.

So…you’ll be back next Saturday?

HE WALKS OUT. DEAN CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF

BLACKOUT

Scene Seven

LIGHTS COME UP AS TOM SITS READING HIS BOOK AGAIN. TOM 2 SITS FURTHER BACK. TOM LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AND SEES TOM 2. TOM 2 COMES UP AND SITS NEXT TO HIM.

TOM 2

Hi.

TOM

Hi. Again.

TOM 2

Still reading your book?

TOM

Uh-huh.

TOM 2

Tough going?

TOM

No. Not really. Just not very focused on it. Don’t have much time to read except on the train.

TOM 2

Oh, sorry. I won’t disturb you.

TOM

What? No. That’s alright. That’s not what I meant. You can stay if you like.

TOM 2

Okay. Thanks.

TOM

You know, I don’t even know your name.

TOM 2

Tom.

TOM

Oh shit.

TOM 2

What?

TOM

My name’s Tom as well.

TOM 2

Well. There you go. Two people who see each other every day and they’re both named Tom.

TOM

Yeah. It’s a bit spooky. So what do you do? For work I mean.

TOM 2

Banking.

TOM

Oh. That must be…great.

HE LOOKS AT HIM

Okay, maybe not.

TOM 2

As far as occupations go it’s up there with child molester or Liberal politician.

TOM

I think that’s being a bit cruel to child molesters, don’t you?

TOM 2

To tell the truth it’s not too bad. I’m a loans officer so there’s a bit of variety.

TOM

God, I hope so.

TOM 2

And what about you? What do you do?

TOM

Uh, bookshop. I work in a bookshop.

TOM 2

Bookshop?

TOM

Yep.

TOM 2

Aren’t people who work in bookshops always reading lots of different books and looking a little nerdy? You’ve had the same book for about a month now.

TOM

You noticed that huh?

TOM 2

Yeah.

TOM

Like I said. I’m not very focused at the moment. And as for nerdy…well…

HE PULLS OUT A CLIP-ON TIE AND HOLDS IT UP TO HIS COLLAR.

TOM 2

There you go. Nerdy bookshop salesmen and dull as dishwater banking officer. We make a great couple.

TOM

Do we?

TOM 2

Of fellow travellers.

TOM

Fellow travellers? That’s a very literary description.

TOM 2

Well, one of us has to be literary. And it seems you’re not able to get through one lousy pulp thriller.

TOM

You know it’s a lousy pulp thriller?

TOM 2

I read it a few weeks ago. Read it over one weekend. Oh. Please tell me you’re not a “special” reader who takes years to get through anything.

TOM

No. Did you like it?

TOM 2

Not really. Not thrilling enough and no sex.

TOM

Yes, I have noticed that. Oops. My stop.

HE GETS UP

TOM 2

Okay.

TOM

See you tomorrow?

TOM 2

It’s a date.

TOM LOOKS AT HIM

I mean, I’ll see you tomorrow.

TOM LEAVES.

Oh crap.

TOM 2 SINKS HIS FACE INTO HIS HANDS.

BLACKOUT

Scene Eight

KEN SITS NEARS THE LOCKER, READING A LETTER. DAVID ENTERS. KEN PUTS THE LETTER AWAY.

DAVID

Hello Ken.

KEN

David, how are you?

DAVID

Good. I think.

KEN

Are you sure? You look a little distracted.

DAVID

I’m okay.

KEN

Once we get you out on the water you’ll be fine.

DAVID

I know.

KEN

You do like rowing, don’t you?

DAVID

Yes. I was worried I was going to be a little rusty but it’s amazing how it all came back to me.

KEN

Well, l think you’ll be a good addition to the team.  To tell you the truth I wasn’t sure we’d see you again after last Saturday. The boys can be a little…high spirited and excitable. It can be a little off-putting to some. But they mean well.

DAVID

I’m sure you’re right.

KEN

And you and Dean seemed to hit it off. I’m sure you’ll be the best of friends.

DAVID

Time will tell.

KEN

Are you married?

DAVID

I…

KEN

Sorry. Didn’t mean to pry. That was a bit of an office gossip moment. Forget I said anything

DAVID

No. that’s okay. No. I’m not married. Or anything else for that matter. In case you’re wondering.

KEN

Are you gay?

DAVID

What? Why do you ask?

KEN

Well, it’s a pretty valid question these days. We’re an inner city team. Always a good chance you’ll get at least one gay member. Of course that’s a bit of a sticky point at the moment. The last regatta we went to we were clobbered by a gay rowing team. Lionel almost had a conniption. It was almost worth it just to see the look on his face. He was going blue. Of course it was terrible for the club. Losing is one thing. But losing to some little known team was a bit of a low point for the old self esteem. They were pretty good.

DAVID

I see.

KEN

It’s alright if you are.

DAVID

Are what? Oh, right.

KEN

You don’t need to tell me. Let’s just enjoy the mystery.

DAVID

Okay.

KEN

I’m glad you came back, David.

DAVID

Thanks for offering me a place.

DEAN ENTERS. DAVID LOOKS EMBARRASSED AND LOOKS AWAY

DEAN

G’day Ken.

KEN

Hello Dean.

DEAN

Having a little row today are we? Ready for another fun packed day. Looks like it’s going to piss down outside.

KEN

What? It is? You know, I’ve been so busy I hadn’t even checked to see what the weather was like.

DEAN

You could’ve just looked up, Ken.

KEN

I better go and check.  I’ll see you both outside in fifteen.

DEAN GOES AND SITS NEXT TO DAVID. DAVID GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE OTHER BENCH. DEAN GETS UP AND SITS NEXT TO HIM AGAIN AND STARTS TAKING OFF HIS SHOES.

DAVID

What are you doing?

DEAN

Boy, you’re not very bright, are you? What does it look like? Skiing down a glacier?

DAVID

Is there really any need for you to sit right next to me while you do that?

DEAN

Listen sunshine I’m gonna be sitting next to you all morning, so I suggest you get used to it.

DAVID

I don’t have to get used to anything.

DEAN

This is true. But you know, I’m quite surprised.

DAVID

By what?

DEAN

Well, that you showed up again.

DAVID

Oh? Is that how you scare off all the newbies?

DEAN

I wasn’t trying to scare you off.

DAVID

No?

DEAN

I’m glad you came back.

DAVID

Of course you were. Well, I don’t scare that easily. And it just so happens I love rowing.

DEAN

You haven’t done it in years.

DAVID

But I still love it!

DEAN

You still talking about rowing?

DAVID

Listen. What we did last week?

DEAN

I was wondering when you’re little Catholic heart would bring that up. What about it?

DAVID

Why did we do it?

DEAN

Well, don’t know about you but I know why I did it. I was horny as fuck. Or maybe it was the magic of the moment.

DAVID

I meant how could you do it? You have a fiancé.

DEAN

I also have two pet budgies at home and a cat called Mr Socks.

DAVID

But you’re not cheating on them.

DEAN

How do you know? I could have another pussy on the side.

DAVID

I’m being serious.

DEAN

Can’t imagine you being anything but…

DAVID

Just answer me.

DEAN

Look, if you want to overcomplicate matters then that’s fine but leave me out of it.

DAVID

Oh crap.

DEAN

Look. Last week was what it is. That’s all. Now if you’re gonna get caught up in all that guilt shit then we won’t do it again but I haven’t committed to her yet and until that wedding ring goes on her finger she knows I’m a guy and I’m gonna do whatever I like.

DAVID

Boy is she getting a bargain with you or what...

DEAN

She knows what kind of guy I am.

DAVID

And she’s okay with that?

DEAN

Yep.

DAVID

Oh, so she knows you have sex with men?

DEAN

She doesn’t know I don’t.

DAVID

And if she did?

DEAN

Don’t know. But I don’t see why you’re getting so het up about it. You can’t tell me you didn’t like it at the time.

DAVID

It was okay.

DEAN

Okay? You were ready to leap off the lockers in a free fall right on to my knob! You were going all mental when I sucked you off.

DAVID

That wasn’t you. It’s just…been a while.

DEAN

Really?

DAVID

Yes.

DEAN LOOKS AROUND THEN STARTS TO MOVE IN SEDUCTIVELY.

DEAN

That’s crazy. [HE GRABS DAVID’S COCK] You’ve got a nice cock. It should be seeing a lot of action. Seems such a waste.

DAVID

It does?

DEAN GETS UP AND LOOKS OFF THEN COMES BACK TO HIM

DEAN

Of course. You know, Ken should be gone for at least ten minutes and the others won’t be here yet. I could suck you right now.

DAVID

You could?

DEAN

Yep. I could lick under your balls. I know you like that.

DEAN STRADDLES HIM SEDUCTIVELY.

DAVID

Uh-huh.

DEAN

Then when you’re nice and wet I could sit on your cock and slide all the way down.

DAVID

Fuck.

DEAN STOPS NECKING HIM

DEAN

But if you don’t want to do that anymore….[GETS UP AND SITS NEXT TO HIM] If you want to stop that then that’s okay as well.

DAVID

We’re gonna go to hell.

DAVID SWINGS DEAN AROUND ON THE BENCH, PUSHES HIM DOWN  AND JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM

DEAN

Wherever you want, Catholic boy. Just make sure we’re done in ten.

DAVID

Oh Jesus.

LIGHTS FADE

Scene Nine

TOM AND TOM 2 ARE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER DOING A SUDOKU PUZZLE ON THE TRAIN.

TOM 2

So, do you think you’ve got the handle on it yet?

TOM

I think so. No numbers the same on the same line, right?

TOM 2

For the fifth time, yes. But don’t be too impulsive. It’s easy being impulsive but it screws things up later if you’re wrong. I know all about that.

TOM

And all the numbers on each box go up to nine but the also go up to nine on the whole row?

TOM 2

Yes.

TOM

And what do they call it again?

TOM 2

Well, the title on the cover should be the giveaway. Sudoku.

TOM

Right. And what does that mean?

TOM 2

It’s Japanese, I think. Means something that will drive you nuts for the rest of your life, I guess.

TOM

Okay. I think I’ve had enough for one day.

TOM 2

I think I’ve lost the will to live. You’re one difficult student.

TOM

And you’re one mean bugger of a teacher.

TOM 2

I’m not mean. I’m…officious.

TOM

Of course you are.

TOM 2

So…Tom?

TOM

Yes, Tom. [LAUGHS] You know, I still can’t get over that.

TOM 2

Yeah, one of the Great Mysteries of the 21^st century but it’s been 2 weeks now so I think we’re ready to move on. Don’t you?

TOM

I suppose.

TOM 2

[CHUCKLES] But I do know what you mean.

TOM

What?

TOM 2

What, what?

TOM

You were about to ask me something.

TOM 2

I was?

TOM

I thought so.

TOM 2

Oh, yes. So what do you do when you’re not at work at the bookshop or driving me crazy teaching you puzzles?

TOM

Well, I don’t do much of anything really. [PAUSE] I do a bit of rowing every Saturday morning.

TOM 2

Really?

TOM

Yep.

TOM 2

Rowing. That’s a very…elitist sport, isn’t it?

TOM

Not really. Not if you knew the people I rowed with.

TOM 2

When I think of rowing it’s all a bit Brideshead Revisited, don’t you think?

TOM

What?

TOM 2

It’s a telly series.

TOM

Never seen it.

TOM 2

And…now this might come as a big shock but it’s also a book.

TOM LOOKS SLIGHTLY VAGUE

I’m beginning to think you work in a comic store. Not a real bookshop. It’s a book by Evelyn Waugh.

TOM

Has she written anything else? We might have something of hers in store?

TOM 2

Please tell me you’re joking. [TOM STILL LOOKS BLANK] Uh, no. Maybe the odd column for Women’s Weekly. [BEAT] Evelyn Waugh is a man! He’s been dead for about 50years. Collapsed and died in the toilet, I think. What a charming way to go. I suppose when you’re dead, you don’t give a monkeys. Do you? When I die I want to go in the most embarrassing way possible. Maybe upside down behind the telly with my trousers around my ankles and wearing a bra and panties. Give those that find me a real laugh [HE LOOKS AT TOM] You know, for someone who works in a bookshop I think it’s absolutely disgraceful how little you read.

TOM

I know. It’s a shocker.

TOM 2

You should be kicked out of the Bookshop Sellers Guild…if they have one.

TOM

I don’t know.

PAUSE

TOM 2

So you’re into rowing? Well, that sounds slightly interesting, I guess.

TOM

We might be speaking in the past tense pretty soon. I thinking of giving it up.

TOM 2

Oh?

TOM

Yeah. Not much fun anymore. [PAUSE] Hey, can I ask you something?

TOM 2

Sure.

TOM

Are you gay?

TOM 2 LOOKS AHEAD. TOM WAITS FOR A MOMENT.

TOM 2

So you think you have the hang of this puzzle thing yet?

TOM

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry or anything…

TOM 2

Oh not. It’s not that. I’m just thinking about the best response to your question. [BEAT] Oh, I’ve got it. Is John Howard a cock-sucking, neo-Nazi, pig-fucker from hell?

TOM LOOKS AT HIM

Sorry. The answer’s yes.

TOM

Oh.

TOM 2

The look on your face makes me think you might have been waiting to ask me that question for quite some time.

TOM

No. It only just occurred to me.

TOM 2

I thought you might have picked it up by now.

TOM

Picked up what?

TOM 2

My gay vibe. Apparently I wear it on my sleeve like an old cardigan. Well, that’s what my friends tell me.

TOM

I haven’t picked up anything.

TOM 2

I’ve shocked you, haven’t I?

TOM

No, it’s just…

TOM 2

I can tell I have. It’s okay. People can be a little uncomfortable when they’re given too much of the personal. If you want I can jump into the stratosphere and fly backward very fast. Apparently, from my limited understanding it turns back time and we can pretend we didn’t even have this conversation.

TOM

That’s Superman.

TOM 2

That’s right. Well done. But you’re not Clark Kent.

TOM

And you’re no Lois Lane!

TOM 2

Glad we’re clear on that score.

TOM

I’m not too fussed. About you being gay I mean.

TOM 2

Most guys would think I’m hitting on them but I can assure you I’m not.

TOM 2 PATS TOM’S LEG

TOM

You’re not hitting on me, are you?

TOM 2

I don’t know why I even blurted that out. People are always telling me I shouldn’t be so forward with that bit of news but I like people to know where they stand. That way it’s up to them to make the next move, friendship-wise. I’ve spent too many hours listening to straight men talking about the size of women’s breasts when there’s other things I could be doing.

TOM

Okay.

PAUSE

TOM 2

So, you haven’t told me much about yourself. Where do you live?

TOM

Prahran.

TOM 2

Oh that’s a nice area. Lots of druggies and hoons. You like being robbed and kept up all night with bogans burning rubber?

TOM

It’s not that bad. I’ve only been robbed twice in 3 years. I have a little flat.

TOM 2

Little flat what?

TOM

I have a small apartment. What about you?

TOM 2

Glen Iris. I live alone as well. It’s okay. So…do you have a girlfriend? Are you married? Are you dating small rodents?

TOM

No, no and especially no. I…just haven’t met anyone I want to go through all that dating crap with just to see if we like each other.

TOM 2

That’s a bit odd.

TOM

Is it?

TOM 2

A good looking boy like you, still single? Don’t you think it’s odd? Although I shouldn’t talk. Haven’t met anyone in years I wanted to be in any relationship with either but I am slightly older than you, don’t say anything. I just haven’t met anyone I wanted to wake up and read the Sunday papers with, anyway.

TOM

You’re not that old.

TOM 2 WAVES HIS HAND IN FRONT OF TOM

TOM 2

How many fingers am I holding up? I’m on the wrong side of forty. About 8 years on the wrong side and believe me, amongst my people, it’s not quite the last roundup but the carrion are hovering overhead with dinner reservations. But I’ll take your compliment anyway. Thanks.

TOM

You’re welcome.

TOM 2

And I hope I haven’t worried you.

TOM

Worried me? Why?

TOM 2

Well, a moment ago I called you a good looking boy.

TOM

Oh, that. No. It didn’t bother me.

TOM PATS TOM 2’S LEG

TOM 2

Good. You know, I have an idea. If you’re free any evening you want to maybe catch a film?

TOM

A film?

TOM 2

Well we could sit in and read a good book together but I have a feeling your eyes would glaze over in about 10 minutes. Here’s my number.

HE QUICKLY WRITES DOWN HIS NUMBER ON THE INSIDE COVER OF THE SUDOKU BOOK

You give me a call, if and when you want. Or you just want to have a chat.

TOM

Thanks. I will.

THE SOUND OF TRAIN MOVING AGAIN.

TOM 2

Ah. Here we go. And only 20 minutes waiting this time. Connex are a pack of cunts. If you’ll pardon the Francais. So what sort of movies do you like anyway?

TOM

Oh you know. Good stuff. Arnie, Bruce Willis. I hear Deuce Bigalow 2 is pretty good.

TOM 2

Sounds…fascinating. Just my cup of tea.

LIGHTS FADE

Scene  Ten

EARLY MORNING. THE SOUND OF WATER. DAVID STANDS TO THE SIDE AS DEAN ENTERS AND STANDS AWAY FROM HIM. DAVID GOES OVER TO HIM. HE TOUCHES DEAN’S HAND GENTLY. DEAN GIVES HIM A GLARE AND MOVES AWAY. DAVID MOVES CLOSER TO HIM AGAIN AND TOUCHES HIM. DEAN RESPONDS BY PUSHING HIM VIOLENTLY AWAY THEN MOVING ACROSS THE STAGE AS THE OTHERS ENTER IN ROWING SUITS. THEY ALL TAKE THEIR PLACES ON THE BOAT, DAVID IS LAST. DAVID LOOKS AT DEAN WHO LOOKS AWAY. DAVID LOOKS UPSET AS THEY START TO ROW OUT. AFTER A FEW STROKES HE BREAKS DOWN WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. THE OTHERS JERK FORWARD THEN LOOK AROUND TO SEE WHAT IS GOING ON. DEAN ABUSES HIM AS THEY START TO ROW AGAIN. DAVID HISSES HIS RESPONSE TELLING DEAN TO “FUCK OFF.”  AS THE TEAM BEGINS TO ROW AGAIN DAVID STARTS TO CRY. AS THE LIGHTS FADE

BLACKOUT
Act Two

Scene Eleven

TOM AND TOM 2 IN A BARR. THE SOUND OF LIGHT DANCE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND. TWO LEATHER QUEENS SIT UPSTAGE

TOM 2

Remind me when I know you better to smack your chops in. Deuce Bigalow? I don’t know what I was more offended with. The movie or the quality of the audience. I’ll pick the movie next time.

TOM

Sorry about that.

TOM 2

You owe me big time. [PAUSE] You sure you’re okay?

TOM

What? Oh sure.

TOM 2

You said you wanted a drink. I thought we could come to the least threatening place with music I know.

TOM

[LOOKING AT THE LEATHER  QUEENS] I’ve never been to a place like this.

TOM 2