Mr Braithwaite Has a New Boy
A play by Steven Dawson
First Performance Jan 14th 2011
Cast as Follows
Mr Braithwaite
Iain Murton
Johnny
James Miller
Edna/Bruno/Maurice
Edmund
Nathan Butler
Directed by Steven Dawson
Produced by Adrian Corbett & Out Cast Theatre
Copyright
©
Steven Dawson 2010
Act
One
Scene
One
LIGHTS
UP ON A VERY ORNATE HOME FULL OF OLD CLASSIC FURNISHINGS. A LOUNGE CENTRE. ON
IT SITS A YOUNG MAN, COMPLETELY NAKED, LEGS SPREAD APART IN ALL HIS GLORY. HE
LOOKS AROUND. HE PICKS UP A SOFA CUSHION TO COVER HIMSELF THEN THINKS AGAIN.
HE SMELLS HIMSELF, GRIMACES.
HAROLD,
AN OLDER MAN ENTERS. HE SWOONS AT THE SIGHT OF THE NAKED MAN AND COLLAPSES
BEHIND THE SOFA.
HAROLD
[SWOONING]
Oh sweet Jesus crap on a cracker!
HE
COMPOSES HIMSELF AND SITS ON THE ARM OF THE LOUNGE.
JOHNNY
Alright?
HAROLD
Yes
of course. You just took me by surprise is all. My, my. When I said make
yourself comfortable you really took me at my word, didn’t you?
JOHNNY
Like
to lay it all out on the buffet. You want me to get dressed again?
HAROLD
Only
if you want to.
JOHNNY
No.
I’m good.
HAROLD
Good.
My word, you’re such a free spirit, aren’t you? Young people these days.
How I envy you. I could never do that.
JOHNNY
Do
what?
HAROLD
Sit
around in the altogether. Comes from a very Catholic upbringing, I suppose.
JOHNNY
You’re
Catholic?
HAROLD
Not
practising.
JOHNNY
Not
practising what?
HAROLD
Catholic.
JOHNNY
What’s
to practice?
HAROLD
I
don’t observe.
JOHNNY
Hey,
you pay me. Observe all you like. Besides, when the mood’s right I like to
put on a show so pull up a pew if you like.
HAROLD
Sure
you’re not cold?
JOHNNY
Nah.
It’s fine. Central heating?
HAROLD
Yes.
Can’t be too careful. Melbourne winters have seen out many of my friends.
JOHNNY
Seen
out where?
HAROLD
It’s
a figure of speech.
JOHNNY
What
is?
HAROLD
Uh.
How about we change the subject?
JOHNNY
Suits
the shit out of me. I was getting a bit confused anyway. So how long have you
lived here?
HAROLD
Just
a little while. I lived in Armadale for many years but the house was a bit big
so I decided to downsize. Much easier to take care of, this place. No lawns to
mow, no hedges to trim. Very low maintenance.
JOHNNY
Good
suburb too. Wish I lived over this way. You must be well off.
HAROLD
I do
okay.
JOHNNY
At
what?
HAROLD
Oh,
nothing really.
JOHNNY
You
must do something. You’re not on the dole, are you? Fuck me dead. You don’t
get too many punters wasting their dole on rent boys.
HAROLD
No,
I have investments. They provide me with a very steady income.
JOHNNY
Must
be fucking awesome not having to worry about money.
HAROLD
There
are worse things I suppose. I let my accountant worry.
JOHNNY
Bugger
me.
HAROLD
“Only
if it’s on the menu.” as my father would say. Are you sure you wouldn’t
like a drink?
JOHNNY
Nah
thanks. Like to keep my bearings. You wouldn’t believe the times someone’s
tried to slip me one.
HAROLD
In
your profession I would think that de rigueur.
JOHNNY
Not
like that.
HAROLD
And
that was me trying to add a little levity to the situation.
JOHNNY
You
really don’t have try on my account.
HAROLD
I’ll
take that under advisement.
JOHNNY
Shit
you know some big words.
HAROLD
My
word “shit” I do.
JOHNNY
What’s
that smell?
HAROLD
Smell?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
Smells like cat’s piss.
HAROLD
You’re
allergic?
JOHNNY
No.
Not allergic. Just revolted.
HAROLD
It’s
just Missy Puss-Puss. I may need to change her litter tray.
JOHNNY
Missy
Puss-Puss?
HAROLD
My
cat. She’s around here somewhere. She’s very shy with strangers. But once
she gets used to your scent…
JOHNNY
I
don’t know if I’ll get used to hers.
HAROLD
Do
you like cats?
JOHNNY
They’re
alright. As long as they don’t piss on me…
HAROLD
I
don’t think that’s likely…
JOHNNY
Or
rub up against me or expect me to feed them.
HAROLD
No,
that’s fine. I am sure you’ll
be alright.
JOHNNY
So
where do you want to do this then? I’m happy to do it here if you are. Looks
like there’s plenty of room.
HAROLD
I
thought the bedroom. I’m old fashioned like that.
JOHNNY
Whatever
floats your boat.
THE
PHONE RINGS.
HAROLD
Excuse
me for a moment. [ANSWERING THE PHONE]
Hello. Yes. Oh hello Edmund. Yes I got your fax. Have I read it? No. Yes I
know you would prefer email but I have a fax machine and 22 rolls of fax paper
so it seems silly to waste it, doesn’t it? Those trees will have died in
vain if I didn’t let the by-products of their demise fulfil their destiny.
Besides which I don’t have a computer. No. No tennis today. Something better
is about to come up. [JOHNNY LAUGHS]
Look Edwin, do you mind if we continue this conversation another time? I’m
right in the middle of something [JOHNNY
FLIPS ONTO HIS BELLY] Er… pressing. Well if you must know I have
company. I really think that is none of your business. Please remember you are
my late sister’s husband and my lawyer. You are not
my keeper. I can assure you I will look at the faxes when I have time. No, it
is not convenient for you to come around. I said…
THE
DOOR BELL RINGS.
HAROLD
Oh
this is impossible. Look Edmund, I really must dash. There’s someone at my
door. I’ll call you later.
HE
PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.
I am
sorry. I’ll just see who that is. Perhaps you’d like to wait in the
bedroom.
JOHNNY
Just
so’s you know the meter‘s running and you’ve only got me for 90 minutes.
HAROLD
You
have another appointment to get to?
JOHNNY
It’s
all just work, work, work.
HAROLD
Indeed.
I’ll get rid of them and then I promise you I can give you my undivided
attention.
JOHNNY
SAUNTERS INTO THE BEDROOM, TEASING HAROLD AS HE GOES. HAROLD GOES TO THE
HALLWAY. A DOOR CAN BE HEARD OPENING.
MISS
MILTON
[OFF]
Oh Harold. I’m sorry to disturb you. I heard a noise and for one dreadful
minute thought perhaps Missy had gotten herself into a spot of bother. Or even
worse you might have burglars.
MISS
MILTON ENTERS. SHE LOOKS AROUND.
HAROLD
No,
no. Missy is in her room and as you can see…no burglars here. Just me.
MISS
MILTON
You
can’t be too careful around here. It’s just that this is a Tuesday and I
know that every Tuesday between the hours of 11am and 3pm you are to be found
playing tennis in South Yarra. That is correct, is it not?
HAROLD
Yes
it is…
MISS
MILTON
So
obviously knowing your routine on a Tuesday involves playing tennis in South
Yarra from 11am to 3pm and hearing noises from your apartment, I was
concerned. So concerned in fact I even contemplated contacting the police.
Then I thought perhaps I am being an alarmist. Perhaps you’ve
absent-mindedly left the television on. It does happen. Then I remembered a
previous conversation we had when you first moved in, on noisy neighbours,
most especially renters, heaven forbid this block should be reduced to that
and their predilection for daytime television with its staple of soap operas
and advertisements for feminine incontinence products. So I thought no, Mr
Braithwaite is a creature of habit, and being a creature of habit after the
news bulletins he always switches the television off and Radio National on. I
won’t of course be drawn into discussing my feelings towards that leftist
broadcaster but we will agree as usual to disagree. So I said to myself, Edna
get a grip. Mr Braithwaite is far too considerate or careful to leave his
television on. Then what could it be? I know Harold, you will think me too
suspicious and it may be a quiet street but if you believe the television it’s
always the quiet neighbourhoods the criminal element gravitate towards for
their nefarious activities. So, with unnecessary noise coming from your
apartment what was I to think?
HAROLD
No,
no. I’m sorry I disturbed you. It was quite selfish of me…
JOHNNY
ENTERS AND STANDS AGAINST THE HALLWAY DOOR IN JUST HIS TOWEL.
JOHNNY
Harold,
you going to be very long? I’m freezing the longer part of my knob off.
MISS
MILTON
Oh
my goodness!
HAROLD
Oh,
Edna. I forgot to mention I had company. I’d
like you to meet a friend of mine. A very crass friend of mine.
Johnny, this is Mrs Milton, my neighbour.
JOHNNY
Nice
to meet you.
MISS
MILTON
Of
course.
HAROLD
Edna,
Johnny is my…
JOHNNY
Tennis
partner!
HAROLD
Tennis
partner?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
MISS
MILTON
Really?
JOHNNY
Yes.
Harold and I have been banging balls for months now. In fact we were just
about to have another go.
MISS
MILTON
I
see.
HAROLD
Yes
but Johnny needs to be somewhere in the city so I invited him here to grab a
quick shower and a…
JOHNNY
Shag.
HAROLD
Shave!
Quick shower and a shave. How amusing, Johnny. I’m sure Mrs Milton does not
want to hear that sort of talk.
MISS
MILTON
He
doesn’t have a shower at his own home?
HAROLD
He
lives way across town.
MISS
MILTON
I
thought he might.
THE
PHONE RINGS. HAROLD ANSWERS IT.
HAROLD
Hello?
Oh Edmund I’m kind of busy at the moment. Can you call me later? What? Oh
for heavens sakes. [TO THE OTHERS]
Excuse me a moment. Johnny, maybe you should finish having that shower?
JOHNNY
Oh
we got plenty of time.
HAROLD,
WAVING A FINGER AT JOHNNY GOES INTO THE OTHER ROOM
MISS
MILTON
Well
isn’t that nice? Mr Braithwaite letting you use
his shower. Very considerate but then that’s always been his way. Always
thinking of others.
JOHNNY
I
guess.
MISS
MILTON
You
know…you look awfully familiar.
JOHNNY
I
get that a lot. Just one of those faces.
MISS
MILTON
No,
I never forget a face. It’s been a blessing and a curse since I was a child.
I think I may have seen you somewhere before. In fact I’m almost certain of
it.
JOHNNY
Can’t
see how. You must have me confused with someone else. [UNDER HIS BREATH] Or someone who gives a shit.
MISS
MILTON
We’ve
already established you’re not local and yet I feel I’ve seen you in some
local context.
JOHNNY
Again
you’re mistaken.
MISS
MILTON
And
what is it you do?
JOHNNY
I’m
what you might call....a professional entertainment facilitator.
MISS
MILTON
Really?
I may have heard of that. Do you work on cruise ships?
JOHNNY
Once
or twice.
MISS
MILTON
Sounds
very exotic.
JOHNNY
It
can be.
MISS
MILTON
And
how do you know Mr Braithwaite? Apart from your tennis association you seem
very familiar with each other.
JOHNNY
Who?
MISS
MILTON
Harold.
JOHNNY
Oh.
I guess you could say I’m a business associate as well.
MISS
MILTON
I
understood Mr Braithwaite to be retired.
JOHNNY
I
think he still likes to dabble.
MISS
MILTON
And
you’re at least half his age. I find that very odd. I also never knew Mr
Braithwaite was into the whole cruising thing.
JOHNNY
I’ll
bet there’s a whole lot you don’t know about him.
MISS
MILTON
Yes,
he does tend to keep to himself. But an excellent neighbour. Such a private
person. So rare in this day and age. So quiet and refined. So full of grace
and dignity. Rare qualities these days. And so very much the man’s man. He
so reminds me of my late father, rest his soul.
JOHNNY
Yeah?
MISS
MILTON
Yes.
And where do you come from? I’m sorry. Johnny was it?
JOHNNY
Johnny,
yeah. Deer Park. Originally Wangaratta.
MISS
MILTON
My.
A real country lad. This must all be very exciting.
JOHNNY
What?
MISS
MILTON
Being
down here amongst the big smoke. The cars, the traffic, the tall buildings.
Much bigger than the grain silos you’re used to, I’ll warrant.
JOHNNY
Grain
silos? I’ve lived here for 5 years.
MISS
MILTON
Only
5? Then you’re hardly a Melbournian, are you? No, five years and you’re
just a visitor. A blow-in, as my father would say. Why, it’s just one step
up from your common, garden-variety backpacker. No, to be a real Melbournian
you have to have been born here and at least 3 preceding generations to back
you up.
JOHNNY
And
that would be you?
MISS
MILTON
Of
course. My family goes back five generations.
JOHNNY
Great.
MISS
MILTON
Still.
So when you’re out of these cruise ships…
JOHNNY
Cruise
ships? I never said I worked on cruise ships.
MISS
MILTON
Didn’t
you? I’m sure you said you worked on a cruise ship. You seem to be a little
confused.
JOHNNY
Nope.
MISS
MILTON
Mm.
Mr Braithwaite is taking some time.
JOHNNY
Who?
MISS
MILTON
Harold.
JOHNNY
Oh
yeah.
MISS
MILTON
You
know I find it quite odd.
JOHNNY
I’ll
bet you find most things confusing. What?
MISS
MILTON
You’re
so…young.
JOHNNY
You
know what they say. Age is just a state of mind.
MISS
MILTON
Wait
till you get to my age then say that.
JOHNNY
God,
I’d kill myself…I mean…u-huh.
MISS
MILTON
I
mean, I find it quite odd, the age difference between you two. You would think
Harold would have a much older opponent. You might be a tad too sprightly for
him. It wouldn’t be a fair competition.
JOHNNY
You
know Harold. I guess he needs someone to keep him on his toes. Keep him
active. Otherwise you get to that age you may as well just drop dead
MISS
MILTON
Perhaps
you’re right.
SHE
DROPS DEAD IN THE CHAIR. JOHNNY JUMPS UP.
JOHNNY
Oh
shit. Shit, shit, shit!
HAROLD
RUNS IN.
HAROLD
What?
What is it?
JOHNNY
I
think she’s dead.
HAROLD
Dead?
Edmund, I’ll have to call you back. [HE
HANGS UP THE PHONE AND GOES OVER TO HER. HE LOOKS AT HER, LIFTS UP HER ARM TO
FEEL HER PULSE THEN DROPS IT] No. She’s just asleep. Now, shall we
retire to the bedroom?
JOHNNY
Asleep?
I was just talking to her and she dropped dead!
HAROLD
Stop
saying that. She’s not dead. She’s narcoleptic.
JOHNNY
Narco...what?
HAROLD
She
suffers from a slight case of narcolepsy. Don’t you know anything? People
who have narcolepsy are prone to falling asleep, some are just extremely
drowsy all the time and some have symptoms that hit quite suddenly.
JOHNNY
Like
her?
HAROLD
Like
her.
JOHNNY
How
come you know so much about it?
HAROLD
She
gave me a pamphlet when I first moved in. Told me she had a little condition.
I forgot all about it, of course. Then one day I came home to find her slumped
face down amongst the begonias downstairs. I thought she’d been murdered. I
was about to call the police. Then she suddenly came to and insisted she was
fine. Remarkable. Most times it can be set off by stress or shock. Can’t
have been easy having a naked man parading around, especially at her age.
Sometimes it just happens for no reason. Of course hers is a little more
unusual than most.
JOHNNY
How?
MISS
MILTON
[SUDDENLY
COMING TO] …Both
balls down his throat!
HAROLD
I
think her father was a sailor. Hello Edna. How are you feeling?
MISS
MILTON
Fine.
Where am I?
HAROLD
You’re
here with me. It’s Harold.
MISS
MILTON
Ah
Mr Braithwaite, I’m not sure but I think I may have had one of my little
turns.
HAROLD
Really?
MISS
MILTON
Where
am I again?
HAROLD
You’re
in my flat.
MISS
MILTON
Ah.
I thought so. Such a lovely apartment.
HAROLD
I’m
afraid you frightened my guest a little.
MISS
MILTON
Did
I? I’m dreadfully sorry. You’re the one that works on the cruise ship,
aren’t you?
HAROLD
Cruise
ship?
JOHNNY
Yeah,
why not.
MISS
MILTON
I’m
sorry if I startled you.
JOHNNY
No
worries.
MISS
MILTON
I
think perhaps I’ll retire to my abode.
HAROLD
Of
course.
MISS
MILTON
It
was lovely meeting you.
JOHNNY
Likewise.
HAROLD
Are
you sure you’ll be alright?
MISS
MILTON
Of
course. I’ll just make myself a cuppa, pop on the telly and watch that
dreadful lesbian talk show person. That usually dulls my senses into morphia.
HAROLD
We’ll
talk later.
SHE
EXITS.
JOHNNY
Fuck
me! How often does that happen?
HAROLD
Fortunately
not too often. She can go happily for months then I start getting phone calls
from people who find her asleep in bus sheds. She has my card in her purse.
JOHNNY
Why
do they call you?
HAROLD
I
just told you. She has my card in her purse. She doesn’t have any other
family. Perhaps a sister in New Zealand or something. She rarely speaks about
her past. I don’t mind.
JOHNNY
Well
I bloody would. Fucking freaky.
HAROLD
It’s
all part of this rich tapestry that is life.
JOHNNY
Yeah
whatever.
HAROLD
Right,
I think it time perhaps in the spirit of maintaining whatever it is we have
going here that I should perhaps lay some ground rules. I agree not to
bludgeon you to death with the Concise Oxford Dictionary or whatever other
hefty literary tome I can lay siege to if you agree never to use that
expression ever again in my company.
JOHNNY
What
expression?
HAROLD
“Whatever.”
I know it’s all very Marky-Mark Funky Bunch and
rock and or roll hip to use lingo the generation Y kiddies are splashing about
like so much under-filled condoms in a rain soaked alley. But to my mind it is
yet another prime example of overused sloppy Americanisms that has somehow
wormed their way into the vernacular of our great land, along with the subject
changing “anyway.” And I won’t hear of it in my presence.
JOHNNY
Boy
you get worked up.
HAROLD
There
are some things I hold precious. The English language is one of them.
JOHNNY
I’ll
try to remember.
HAROLD
[SITTING
ON THE LOUNGE]
Now, having said all that, and fingers crossed we shan’t be disturbed any
further perhaps we can go back to what we were doing before we were so rudely
interrupted. Mm?
JOHNNY
What?
Oh, right.
JOHNNY
STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM AND LETS THE TOWEL DROP.
HAROLD
[CLAPPING
HIS HANDS] Oh
goodie.
BLACKOUT
Scene
Two
MAURICE
AND HAROLD ENTER AND SIT AT A CAFÉ TABLE
MAURICE
Sometimes
you just have to lay it on the line. So I said to him “Don’t just stand
there. It’s not going to suck itself!” Honestly. Youngsters these days.
HAROLD
Tell
me about it.
MAURICE
I
just did.
HAROLD
Here
okay?
MAURICE
If
we must.
HAROLD
You
said it was too tatty in there.
MAURICE
I
said the waiters were too tatty. The café just smelt of old foreskin and so
much desperation. Except for that one of course.
HAROLD
Really?
He looks straight to me.
MAURICE
He’s
not straight. He just hasn’t found the right cock to sit. The service here
is dreadful.
HAROLD
It’s
not so bad.
MAURICE
I’m
talking about my iPhone. It’s shocking reception. Look. I have one bar. How
can I check Grindr with one bar? We’re in the middle of a major city for
goodness sakes. Not chained to the radiator in some concrete bunker in
Vladivostok. What is it? The Dark Ages? For the money I pay I’d like to take
the C.E.O of Optus and ram one of his oh-so-unobtrusive telephone towers right
up his proverbial. So where have you been hiding yourself lately? I’ve
barely seen you the past 3 months. You’ve missed at least 6 tennis matches.
Have you been having some work done? No. Clearly not.
HAROLD
I’ve
been very neglectful haven’t I? Not to worry. We’re here now and talking.
It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining. What more could one desire?
MAURICE
An
aneurism on our crappy waiter? This milk is warm.
HAROLD
Them’s
the breaks.
MAURICE
Them’s
the breaks? Please tell someone has scrawled that on that ridiculous menu you’re
holding. It reminds me of a conversation I once had with a lover. It was over
some drama I had been going through. So there I am pouring my heart out to him
for over 20 minutes, tears, shaking, thoughts of self-harm, the whole
she-bang. You know what he says to me, what brilliant advice he imparts? “Sucks
to be you.” I should have bitch-slapped him back to Broadmeadows. People are
so cavalier with insincere sentiment. I knew it was a mistake coming here. No
one should ever be forced to brunch in Malvern. It saps the will to live.
HAROLD
There
are worse places one could be.
MAURICE
Well
I can’t think of any. [PAUSES AND
LOOKS AT HAROLD] You’re unusually chipper this morning. Why the joy?
That drab-as-dishwater brother-in-law of yours hasn’t finally surrendered
himself under the wheels of a passing tram, has he?
HAROLD
I
forget how much you like him. I apologise for being perky. I’m just having a
good day.
MAURICE
Wait.
I got 2 bars. Praise be to God. Grindr is now
working.
HAROLD
You
know, in my day people would meet at some social gathering, possibly exchange
numbers and promise to call.
MAURICE
Yes
and in your day they also had to get plugged through by some switchboard
attendant named Beryl with high hair and adenoids the size of avocadoes. No,
this is the new way. You must get this. It really works. No more putting your
shoulder out giving reach-arounds to fat guys.
This tells you where all these delicious men are. [READING] “Hot, ready for action and hoping to hook up”. Right
now and less than a kilometre away there is a gentleman named Perry with a
washboard stomach, excellent teeth and an appendage the size of a draught
excluder.
HAROLD
He
looks like our gardener.
MAURICE
Oh
please. If your gardener looked like that you’d be talking to an empty
chair, I’d be staking out your place and he’d be half way up my trellis.
HAROLD
Such
a lovely turn of phrase. And you meet all these people?
MAURICE
Not all
of them. But some. Though it can be a bit of a worry. Last week I was sitting
at home and it said there was someone 3 metres from me. I texted him. “Are
you under my bed?” Turns out he was at a party in the next apartment.
HAROLD
Good.
MAURICE
And,
as it also turns out, he was a lousy fuck anyway.
HAROLD
Of
course.
MAURICE
[AFTER
A PAUSE] Ah,
that’s it!
HAROLD
What?
MAURICE
The
reason you’re all light of spirit and plucky. You’ve had sex recently,
haven’t you?
HAROLD
Thank
you Madam Arcati. You can tell that?
MAURICE
Now
that I see you in the cold light of the day and out of that bat cave of a
café you’re positively dripping with someone else’s pheromones. Most of
it in your hair.
HAROLD
Don’t
get too excited. It’s not what you think.
MAURICE
What
I think I would be ashamed to put to
paper let alone verbalise. You lucky hound. Well don’t just sit there
flapping ya’ merkin. Tell me all about it And don’t
spare me the measurements.
HAROLD
It’s
very casual.
MAURICE
Of
course it is. Is it someone I know?
HAROLD
How
could it be someone you know? Otherwise you would know it.
MAURICE
That’s
true. What’s his name?
HAROLD
Er…his
name is Johnny.
MAURICE
Johnny?
You’ve hooked up with some bad boy from the sixties? Who calls themselves
Johnny these days?
HAROLD
That’s
his name. Who am I to change it?
MAURICE
Dear
heart I know you. Whenever you’ve got your motley paws latched on to some
thing or someone it becomes your life’s mission to change everything about
them to suit your needs and your decor. Otherwise it would torture you. You’re
just like me. So his name’s Johnny?
HAROLD
Yes.
MAURICE
And
how old?
HAROLD
Young.
MAURICE
How
young? I’m not going to have to appear as witness for the prosecution, am I?
HAROLD
Old
enough.
MAURICE
Well,
as long as there’s grass on the pitch. Not too old I hope.
HAROLD
You
can relax. He’s not waving his pension pass.
MAURICE
Certainly
makes a change from the last couple you dragged home.
HAROLD
Meaning?
MAURICE
Well,
they were starting to get a little long in the tooth…in the glass, darling.
Though I can’t really talk. The last actual date I had, well, clearly I had
made that fatal gay faux-pas in thinking distinguished looking automatically
means “sexy with his clothes off”. When we finally got down to doing the
nasty he ended up jerking me off so slowly I was able to count the liver spots
on his wrists! The second date he asked me to come and pick him up. I asked
him where he was. “On the bathroom floor.”
HAROLD
As I
was saying, his name’s Johnny and we’ve been seeing each other for a
little while.
MAURICE
So
that’s why the tennis has been thrown to the wayside. You’ve found other
ways to practice your backhand.
HAROLD
Please
tell me the euphemisms will get better than that one.
MAURICE
It’s
early in the day. We can but hope. And where did we meet?
HAROLD
Out
on the street as it happens.
MAURICE
Alfresco?
How delightful. Let me guess. A stolen glance over the cover of some
broadsheet. Your eyes meet. His blue-fired, yours inked like a Melways, blood
vessels a’poppin’. Another casual interested look is exchanged. A wistful
flutter of eyelids, which at your age could be mistaken for dropsy. He is
intrigued. Perhaps we should take this further? Details for an afternoon’s
dalliance are quickly scrawled on a napkin and you run home quickly for a
shower, exfoliation and a quick spritz of 4711. He arrives, clothes are
eschewed in a frenzy and five minutes later it’s
all over but for the spilled amyl on the bedside table, mumbled apologies and
the “I’m sorry. It’s never happened to me before.”
HAROLD
Thank
you Barbara Cartland. As I was saying, it’s all very casual.
MAURICE
Good.
And as long as no money is changing hands keep it that way. The last thing I
need right now is you having a boyfriend.
HAROLD
Yes
and I’ve always considered your feelings before my own.
[LARGE
PAUSE]
MAURICE
Oh
my god. He’s a prostitute, isn’t he?
HAROLD
I
can’t see anything I want to eat. Are you still hungry? Maybe we should go.
MAURICE
Shit
in a shoebox. He’s a prostitute?
HAROLD
Keep
your voice down.
MAURICE
You’re
seeing a prostitute.
HAROLD
I
think they call them sex workers these days. And he’s very nice.
MAURICE
For
a hundred an hour I’m sure he is. Trouble is most them are as dumb as a
moose and in the cold light of the day half as pretty. And you see him at
least once a week?
HAROLD
Yes.
MAURICE
Please
don’t tell me he comes to your apartment.
HAROLD
Then
don’t ask.
MAURICE
He
comes to your apartment? Are you mad?
HAROLD
He’s
not that type. He’s very honest. Maybe too honest.
MAURICE
How
do you know?
HAROLD
I
just do. We talk a lot.
MAURICE
So
he’s charging you by the noun? Yes I can see this has been an excellent
business decision.
HAROLD
It
is what it is.
MAURICE
I
thought you were smarter than this.
HAROLD
I
needed the company.
MAURICE
Well
what you need right now is a smash in the gash.
HAROLD
Are
you going to keep judging me?
MAURICE
Yes.
HAROLD
Then
we either change the subject or I’m leaving.
MAURICE
Alright.
Relax. I’ll hit you with it when we’re really drunk. But I think you need
to have a really good look at yourself. What you need right now is to call it
quits with Suzie Suck my Cock and get yourself a real boyfriend.
HAROLD
Two
minutes ago you said I didn’t need a boyfriend.
MAURICE
That
was before I knew you were dating a pay-by-the-hour jizz junkie! But I’ll
say no more about it.
HAROLD
And
I never said anything about having a boyfriend. I just said it was casual.
Besides which you haven’t had a boyfriend in years so you’re hardly one to
talk.
MAURICE
My
old motto. “If you must have a husband make sure it’s not your own.”
HAROLD
Yes
but are you happy?
MAURICE
Of
course I’m happy. And I plan to stay that way. Having some partner would
just get in the way of some actual fun. Look at me. I have a wonderful life.
Great no-strings-attached sex life or boring husband to have to educate enough
to flush the toilet. A job I rarely need go to. Lovely home. A friend who is
paying for brunch…
HAROLD
Noted.
MAURICE
And
an account at my local bottle shop. My life is exceedingly good.
HAROLD
I’m
pleased. And you’re not lonely?
MAURICE
Lonely?
Good heavens no. Who has time to be lonely?
HAROLD
I
think maybe I do.
MAURICE
What
are you talking about? You have company all the time. What about Missy
Puss-Puss?
HAROLD
Yes
there is that.
MAURICE
And
you have me.
HAROLD
Kill
me now.
MAURICE
I
think I can find someone who’ll do it for a twenty.
HAROLD
At
my age I don’t need a boyfriend. What I really need is a partner. Trouble is
I think I’ve left my run a bit late. At my age the pickings are thin on the
ground.
MAURICE
But
not so thin on the hips. Deadbeats and Death Eaters. Tell me about it. The
youngsters flock to you because you have the price of a martini and quick
entrée to the clubs, the older ones get bitter and bitch behind your back and
all the nice ones are married.
HAROLD
And
there’s me crying into my cocoa in the corner.
MAURICE
These
days you have to contemplate going off-shore. Oh God. Please don’t tell me
you have yellow fever and might be thinking about importing a Thai boyfriend.
Oh darling they never work. Look at Geoffrey. He’s had two. The first one
was a pre-op trannie with a small dick…
BOTH
Who
knew?!
MAAURICE
Thank
you and the second one stabbed him with a chicken satay skewer 5 hours after
getting permanent residency.
HAROLD
I
always liked Choon.
MAURICE
So
did I. Who do you think paid him to stab Geoffrey?
Look, you’ve been a card carrying flamer since the Ark sprang a leak. You’ve
been sans spouse for at least fifty years. Why do you want to go and spoil
things with something so predictable as a husband?
You think that’s going to make you happy? No. All that does is make you
spend twice as much time trying to keep some other bastard happy!
HAROLD
But
I just wonder what will happen when I drop dead?
MAURICE
I’ll
shed a little tear, have a little drinkie and like most queens get straight
out there and boogie till dawn. Us queens really
know how to grieve.
HAROLD
I
mean what will I have left behind? Nothing.
MAURICE
Well
if it’s any consolation you’ve made a lot of people laugh. Granted it was
usually behind your back and at your expense. Not me. But that’s at least
something. You’ve been a good friend to me and those that can stand you and
you were wonderful to your sister before she passed away.
HAROLD
I’m
talking about leaving some type of legacy. I have a little money. I’d like
to leave it to someone who might appreciate it. Be able to make some use of
it. The only problem I have is that the only family I have left is Edmund.
MAURICE
Your
bastard brother-in-law? Oh Fuck no. Anyone but him. Better to give it to some
street rat than that bastard. Better still, you know what’s fashionable
these days? Leaving it to your friends.
HAROLD
Nice
try. I told you. You’re getting my car.
MAURICE
Then
you better get a new one soon. That Saab is so five years ago and if that is
all you leave me, after your burial I will dig you up back up, tie rope to
your feet and twang you into a tree.
HAROLD
And
I’ll miss you too.
MAURICE
Look,
why all this talk all of a sudden about dropping dead and boyfriends and such?
Are you planning on leaving us soon? Do you have some dreadful disease I don’t
know about? Chlamydia or something? Fatal crotch rot? You’d tell me wouldn’t
you?
HAROLD
If I
had chlamydia I’d roll on your pillows. No I’m fine. I just think it’s
time I planned ahead.
MAURICE
Much
as I hate to admit it, Harold, you’re old dear but not that old.
HAROLD
Thank
you. I wasn’t talking about my age. Besides I’m only fifteen years older
than you.
MAURICE
You
want to put your money to good use. Have some surgery. Then if you drop dead
at least you can go out pretty.
HAROLD
You
think I need surgery? I should be like you and have a yearly lift?
MAURICE
Why
not? Everyone does it. And at this quarter you go for a bulk discount.
HAROLD
I
don’t need to look young.
MAURICE
Darling…it
has been a long and winding road and you’ve managed to hit the curb at every
corner.
HAROLD
I am
the road less travelled.
MAURICE
More
“off the beaten track.” Besides which you get tons more sex after a bit of
surgery.
HAROLD
I
don’t need tons of sex to make me happy.
MAURICE
You
poor sad lonely fucker.
HAROLD
GLARES AT HIM
Still…lovely
to be so independent! [LOOKS AT HIS
PHONE] Oh dear. There’s someone 15 metres away with a nine inch party
pole.
HAROLD
Delightful.
MAURICE
Oh
bugger. I think it’s our waiter. [BEAT]
Well don’t just sit there. Order another coffee ya’ ugly cunt.
Blackout
Scene
Three
JOHNNY
SITS ON THE COUCH, SWINGING A REMOTE AROUND PLAYING MARIO KART ON A NINTENDO
WII. HE CRASHES.
JOHNNY
Motherfucker,
cock-sucking pissflaps!
HAROLD
WALKS IN THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING SOME GROCERIES.
HAROLD
Mary
McKillop I wondered where you were hiding yourself these days. I must say the
education system and good parenting really paid off for you didn’t it?
JOHNNY
Sorry,
I get a little worked up.
HAROLD
So
it would seem. Where’s Missy Puss-Puss?
JOHNNY
In
her room I hope.
HAROLD
I
know we’ll melt your flinty heart one day. One day you’ll love her as much
as I.
JOHNNY
Don’t
hold your breath. On second thoughts you might have to. She is stinking up the
place again.
HAROLD
Ah.
The litter tray may need changing.
JOHNNY
I’ll
say. It’s getting a bit tangy round here.
HAROLD
And
how are you enjoying your little present?
JOHNNY
Fucking
ace.
HAROLD
I
assume that means “good”? I’m pleased. Especially in light of the story
behind its purchase. Going into a large department store and telling some mere
embryo of a sales assistant I needed a Wii elicited not some inconsiderable
consternation. That sort of question is usually the preserve of an old people’s
homes, I’ll warrant.
JOHNNY
You
really didn’t have to do buy me this you know.
HAROLD
You
said you wanted one. I was in the position to give you one, so to speak. Let’s
say no more about it.
JOHNNY
But
fucking hell. First the big screen TV now this.
HAROLD
Well
we couldn’t have you getting bored, could we? The television only comes on
once a week really and that’s only when you are here. I have my books, my
tennis and the radio to keep me entertained.
JOHNNY
But
you wouldn’t be buying this crap if it weren’t for me.
HAROLD
I
have money. This was a gift for you to enjoy when you are here. Now be quiet.
JOHNNY
Bet
you were surprised to still see me here along with all your stuff.
HAROLD
I
trust you. I also like to think I can suss a person out pretty quickly.
JOHNNY
Bloody
hell. Well you’re better at it than I am.
HAROLD
In
any case there’s nothing here all that easy to move anyway as far as I can
see. I’m not one for trinkets and jewellery and you’d be hard pressed
trying to the move the furniture on your own. So I had faith. Besides you don’t
grab me as the type to make off with someone else’s possessions. I’m a
good judge of character. I mean it’s not like you have a drug habit to feed,
do you. Do you?
JOHNNY
Relax.
No I don’t
HAROLD
So
there you are.
JOHNNY
But
you hardly know me. You’ve only been my client for four months now.
HAROLD
You
know I don’t like that word.
JOHNNY
What
word?
HAROLD
The
“c” word.
JOHNNY
I
didn’t say cunt.
HAROLD
Not
that word, although that is definitely one I can do without hearing as well
unless it is being applied in Elizabethan melodrama or to the leader of the
Opposition. No I meant the “client” word.
JOHNNY
But
you are a client.
HAROLD
Yes
I pay you but after this long I like to think of myself as more than just your
common garden variety customer.
JOHNNY
Okay.
If you don’t like me calling you client what do I call you?
HAROLD
I’m
not sure. Perhaps I could be your “benefactor.” That’s very classy. Or
even your “friend with benefits”. I’ve heard young people use that
expression.
JOHNNY
I
think you might be a little confused with what that means but it’s
cool. “Benefactor”. Yeah, it does sound classy as all shit. I’ll try to
remember.
HAROLD
“Classy
as all shit”. Why, that’s pure poetry. And what are your plans for this
evening? I suppose you got other people to see?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
“Benefactors” coming out me arse.
HAROLD
For
want of a better expression.
JOHNNY
Actually
I got no plans. A couple of jobs got cancelled so the night’s me own.
HAROLD
Not
even a catch up with friends?
JOHNNY
Nah.
HAROLD
No.
JOHNNY
No?
HAROLD
Not nah.
No.
JOHNNY
That’s
what I said.
HAROLD
Tell
me…do you enjoy doing what you do?
JOHNNY
It’s
okay. If I can get past the next level I get a few more tracks.
HAROLD
No I
don’t mean your computer thing…
JOHNNY
Computer
thing? Rock on.
HAROLD
I
mean your being a “working boy”.
JOHNNY
It’s
alright.
HAROLD
You
must meet very interesting people.
JOHNNY
It’s
real hard work sometimes.
HAROLD
No
pun intended.
JOHNNY
No
what the where?
HAROLD
Hard
work? Hard work.
JOHNNY
Oh
yeah. Hard work. Gotcha. [ROLLS HIS
EYES] Funny.
HAROLD
Ever
thought of doing something else?
JOHNNY
Geez
you’re ticking all the boxes aren’t you?
HAROLD
How
do you mean?
JOHNNY
Typical
punter questions. “Do you like it? How can you like it? It’s degrading.”
HAROLD
Am I
being predictable?
JOHNNY
Yep.
Look this ain’t no Pretty Woman thing.
HAROLD
Pretty
what?
JOHNNY
Pretty
Woman. It’s a movie. Big, well-off business man gets the hots for Julia
Roberts who’s a hooker and they end up falling in love. Don’t know why.
Richard Gere has a small dick. Saw him naked in American Gigolo and I reckon
even that gerbil got a raw deal. Pity. I liked him.
HAROLD
The
gerbil?
JOHNNY
Never
mind. I’m just saying with all the questions you’re sounding like a bit of
a….what do you call it? I forget the word…
HAROLD
Cliché?
JOHNNY
I
was gonna say Cliquot but yeah. One of them French fuckers. A bit of a
cliché. Cliquot is what this one guy used to ask me to rinse my arse with.
HAROLD
Douche.
JOHNNY
Yeah,
he sure was. Even after I told him I don’t get fucked he still insisted on
it. Freak.
HAROLD
Really?
JOHNNY
Oh
yeah.
HAROLD
No,
I mean you think I’m a cliché?
JOHNNY
No,
I’m saying you’re starting to sound like one.
HAROLD
I
see. I’m sorry. I won’t ask any more questions.
JOHNNY
That’s
cool. Actually I don’t really care. Ask anything you like. Just don’t be
surprised if you don’t get the answer you want.
HAROLD
Then
why did you kick up a fuss?
JOHNNY
Did
I? Buggered if I know.
HAROLD
And
we know how much you avoid that!
JOHNNY
Avoid
what?
HAROLD
Buggery.
JOHNNY
What’s
that?
HAROLD
What’s
what?
JOHNNY
Buggery.
HAROLD
In
your line of work? You must be kidding me.
JOHNNY
I
shit you not.
HAROLD
It’s
when someone has anal sex with you. That’s what it’s called. You’re a
sex worker and you don’t know that?
JOHNNY
Entertainment
facilitator.
HAROLD
And
this is what I mean when I say people take no pride in their work. They’re
ignorant of even the basic fundamentals before they’ve entered the industry.
JOHNNY
I
didn’t “enter the industry.” I just kind of fell into it. Helping out a
mate. He had a double act booked and his partner bailed so I said I’d help
him. Got paid shit loads so I thought I would do it myself. Harder work going
solo but you get used to it.
HAROLD
Double
act?
JOHNNY
And
you call me ignorant. Two guys doing a show. We dance around a bit. I suck
him. He sucks me. Punter jerks off in a chair. Ta-da. Two hundred bucks. Of
course it helped that my mate was good looking. Otherwise it could have been a
lot worse.
HAROLD
Well
we all have standards to live by.
JOHNNY
So
what about you?
HAROLD
What
about me?
JOHNNY
I
don’t know too much about you. You ever been married? Engaged? Had a
boyfriend? Killed a boyfriend?
HAROLD
None
of the above. No. For the most part I enjoy my own company.
JOHNNY
Always?
HAROLD
Well,
it’s becoming more noticeable, the quieter moments these days. Your weekly
visits are one of the few things I look forward to.
JOHNNY
Really?
Don’t know why.
HAROLD
You
don’t?
JOHNNY
Can’t
be that interesting for you. I mean if we’re being really honest, the sex
isn’t all that interesting, is it?
HAROLD
It’s
alright.
JOHNNY
Hardly
bang for your buck but. You sure you don’t want to try something else?
HAROLD
I
suppose what we do could not even remotely compare to the sexual gymnastics
you’re probably used to.
JOHNNY
You’d
be surprised how middle of the road it is these days. When I first started out
I had some real doozies. Talk about going to the dark side. What you and me
do would be like to washing dishes. Oh, except for the guy who paid me to wash
his dishes.
HAROLD
He
wanted you to wash his dishes?
JOHNNY
Yep.
HAROLD
He
paid for you to wash his dishes. He actually paid for you to wash his dishes?
JOHNNY
I
think your record’s stuck but yep.
HAROLD
Well
that doesn’t sound so bad.
JOHNNY
I
wasn’t allowed to use a scourer.
HAROLD
Oh? [THINKS]
Oh.
JOHNNY
Yeah,
gave that one up after just a few sessions.
HAROLD
Too
odd?
JOHNNY
Nah.
Detergent rash on me knob.
HAROLD
Of
course.
JOHNNY
Yeah.
You’d be amazed the amount of freaks walking the streets. You walk past
these guys in their five hundred dollar suits and their thousand dollar shoes
and they look so normal. But underneath and in the dark people can get real
fucking weird.
HAROLD
I’m
sure they can. [BEAT] Just how weird
are we talking?
JOHNNY
You
don’t wanna know.
HAROLD
You’re
right. [BEAT] Yes I do. Tell me.
JOHNNY
Don’t
even get me started on Choc Top.
HAROLD
What’s
choc top?
JOHNNY
Not
what. Who.
HAROLD
Alight.
Who’s Choc Top?
JOHNNY
Just
this one guy who liked to do things with choc-tops. Don’t know why I didn’t
think it was so weird at the time. Looking back…fuck me dead. Can’t even
remember what was his real name.
HAROLD
What
is a choc-top?
JOHNNY
You’re
kidding me right? [THINKS] No, of
course you’re not. Choc-tops. They sell them at the movies.
HAROLD
I
haven’t been to the cinema in years.
JOHNNY
Whose
talking about cinema? This is movies. They’re ice creams with hard chocolate
on top.
HAROLD
Right.
JOHNNY
This
guy was really well off I think. ‘Bout your age. Very smart. Very classy.
Just had this one thing which put him into the wacko zone. He used to get me
to stick a choc-top up my arse then eat it out.
HAROLD
Why?
Why would he do that? Why am I speaking so high?
JOHNNY
That’s
how he got his jollies. Takes all kinds, don’t it?
HAROLD
Sounds
very uncomfortable.
JOHNNY
The
Hoyts ones were. Bit rough and ready. I liked the Nova’s. Good range too.
Boysenberry, my favourite.
HAROLD
Must
have been very messy as well.
JOHNNY
Not
to mention weird for the other people in the cinema if they knew what was
going on. Fortunately no-one ever caught us.
HAROLD
What?
You mean you did this in the cinema?
JOHNNY
Of
course. Mainly late night sessions. He used to crouch down on the floor, I’d
sit on the seat with me feet up and he’d eat out the choc-top.
HAROLD
Why?
JOHNNY
I
guess he liked choc-tops.
HAROLD
No,
I mean why would you do that at the cinema? Why not do that at home?
JOHNNY
I
don’t think his wife would have liked it.
HAROLD
He
was married?
JOHNNY
Yep.
And I think she was lactose intolerant.
HAROLD
I
see.
JOHNNY
See
what I mean? Big time Freak show.
HAROLD
Are
you hungry?
JOHNNY
I
could chew the arse out of a low flying duck.
HAROLD
I’ll
take that as a yes. Perhaps you’d like to stay for dinner.
JOHNNY
You
inviting me?
HAROLD
As
long as you’re not still charging me.
JOHNNY
Okay.
Sounds good.
HAROLD
What
do you fancy?
JOHNNY
You
decide.
HAROLD
I
thought a slow roast lamb perhaps.
JOHNNY
How
long does that take?
HAROLD
It’s
a “slow” roast. It takes a while.
JOHNNY
I’m
not into slow cooked food. Too much having to wait.
HAROLD
Why?
You just have to brown your meat, set the timer and you‘re away.
JOHNNY
Speaking
of browning your meat, there was this one guy…
HAROLD
Thank
you!
DOORBELL
GOES OFF.
Excuse
me. You know, you may want to put some clothes on.
JOHNNY
Oh
right.
HE
GOES OFF AS HAROLD ANSWERS THE DOOR. AFTER A MOMENT MISS MILTON ENTERS,
DRESSED UP.
HAROLD
Edna,
you look splendid.
MISS
MILTON
Thank
you Harold. I’ve had a rinse and set and decided to drag out the glad rags.
HAROLD
Are
you off somewhere?
MISS
MILTON
Nothing
special. [BEAT] Alright I have to
tell someone. A friend of mine has invited me to a “Bingo” evening. Doesn’t
that sound like fun? Can you believe it? I’ve never been in my whole life. I
just hope I’m up to it. I hear they give out prizes. Wonder what I’ll win.
Maybe it’s a trip overseas. I haven’t travelled in years.
HAROLD
I
think you might be disappointed.
MISS
MILTON
You’ve
been to one?
HAROLD
It’s
been a long time but yes. Usually the prizes consist of a crocheted toilet
roll cover or even a kettle.
MISS
MILTON
But
I already have a kettle! I mean what happens if I win? Do I have to take it?
HAROLD
I’m
not sure.
MISS
MILTON
Well
that’s terribly disappointing. I was looking forward to going.
SHE
SITS DOWN.
HAROLD
You
can still go.
MISS
MILTON
Oh
what’s the point? It sounds dreadfully slipshod. A kettle, you say? It would
seem I’ve been set up to be thoroughly crestfallen. And I was so looking
forward to Italy.
JOHNNY
WALKS IN, WITH NO SHIRT ON, DOING UP HIS JEANS.
Oh!
Your tennis friend is here again.
HAROLD
What?
Oh yes. You remember Johnny.
JOHNNY
G’day.
MISS
MILTON
And
still using your shower, I see. Let me guess. Low water pressure in the
western suburbs?
JOHNNY
Something
like that.
MISS
MILTON
Harold
I don’t want to trouble you but my hands are shaking a little. Otherwise I’d
fetch my keys out of my bag and return to my apartment. Would you mind
fetching me a glass of water? I hate to impose.
HAROLD
Certainly
not.
MISS
MILTON
Chilled
if you have it.
HAROLD
Of
course.
HAROLD
EXITS. SHE GLARES AT JOHNNY. AFTER A LONG PAUSE IN WHICH JOHNNY REALISES ONE
OF HIS BUTTONS IS UNDONE.
MISS
MILTON
So…Johnny.
You’re here again. What a pleasant surprise. Where is it you come from
again?
JOHNNY
Up
north. But right now I live in Deer Park.
MISS
MILTON
Deer
Park? That sounds very civilised. And are there
actual deer there? Is it some kind of wildlife sanctuary?
JOHNNY
Not
quite.
MISS
MILTON
Then
why call it Deer Park? Seems illogical to call something “something” when
it is not what it seems.
JOHNNY
I
suppose. Boy…Harold’s taking a long time with that water.
MISS
MILTON
Isn’t
he though? That’s alright. Gives us time to get to know one another, doesn’t
it?
JOHNNY
Whatever
you reckon.
MISS
MILTON
And
how goes it with the cruise ships?
JOHNNY
Cruise
ships?
MISS
MILTON
Didn’t
you say you worked on cruise ships?
JOHNNY
No.
Not like that.
MISS
MILTON
I
could have sworn the last time we met you said you did. You know you may want
to work on your story. You don’t seem very sure of it. So tell me something
about yourself. Do you come from a large family?
JOHNNY
Nope.
MISS
MILTON
That
must be exciting coming from a big family.
JOHNNY
I
said no…
MISS
MILTON
One
of my big regrets is being an only child. I rather think it would have been
great fun to at least have had a sister to confide in. Someone to share your
thoughts with.
JOHNNY
I
guess.
MISS
MILTON
Are
you married?
JOHNNY
God
no. I’m only 25.
MISS
MILTON
Of
course you are probably much too young but it is not unheard of for people of
your age to tie the knot. If you believe what you hear on the television young
people are always so impulsive when it comes to matters of the heart. Boys who
cannot control their libidos. Young women falling pregnant for the price of a
cigarette. My how the times have changed.
JOHNNY
Are
you married?
MISS
MILTON
Good
gracious me no. Luck has never on my side when it came to l’amour. And any
suitors I may have had could certainly not match up to my father the Colonel.
JOHNNY
Uh-huh.
MISS
MILTON
Of
course if I ever did settle down it would have been with someone like you
friend.
JOHNNY
My
friend?
MISS
MILTON
Harold.
JOHNNY
Oh.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
MISS
MILTON
I’m
sure in his younger days he would be referred to as a ”real looker.” But
he still has the elegance and class that many women still find attractive. You
know it’s always puzzled me why he never found the right women and settled
down.
HAROLD
ENTERS CARRYING A DRINK TRAY.
JOHNNY
That’s
because he loves the cock!
MISS
MILTON DROPS DEAD AS HAROLD COLLAPSES BEHIND THE LOUNGE. AFTER A MOMENT HAROLD
GETS UP, LOOKS AT JOHNNY, GOES OFF THEN COMES BACK ON WITH THE SPRAY BOTTLE
AND SPRITZS THE BOY.
HAROLD
No!
JOHNNY
Did
you just spray me?
HAROLD
It’s
called tough love. Deal with it.
JOHNNY
I’m
not the bloody cat!
HAROLD
No,
you’re a naughty boy. Now behave yourself in company. Oh Christ she’s gone
again.
JOHNNY
Oh
shit.
HAROLD
Relax.
JOHNNY
I’m
not talking about her. I’m all wet.
HAROLD
Good.
Serves you right. What sort of talk is that? I’m not sure what sort of
upbringing you’ve had but one can only surmise a strong disciplinary hand
was missing. Edna, can you hear me darling? [TO
JOHNNY] This is all your fault.
JOHNNY
My
fault?
HAROLD
You
stressed her out. She’s not used to that sort of talk.
JOHNNY
What
did I say?
HAROLD
Oh
gosh, I don’t know. Maybe the word “cock” might have set her off.
MISS
MILTON WAKES UP WITH A JOLT.
MISS
MILTON
Slammed
right up to his nuts!
JOHNNY
Somehow
I don’t think that was it.
HAROLD
Edna
dear, are you alright?
MISS
MILTON
Oh
yes.
HAROLD
Good
to know.
MISS
MILTON
I’m…I’m
off to bingo.
HAROLD
Bingo.
Yes that’s right. You sure you’re up to it.
MISS
MILTON
Oh
yes. I have the community bus picking me up in 15 minutes. Wouldn’t miss it.
[GETTING UP AND HEADING FOR THE DOOR]
I’m hoping to win a kettle.
HAROLD
Sounds
lovely. Good luck. I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time.
SHE
DROPS AGAIN HALFWAY THROUGH THE DOOR WAY AND STARTS SNORING
JOHNNY
I’m
not sure I’m gonna get used to that.
HAROLD
I
think I might pop downstairs and let the bus know we’ll drop her off.
JOHNNY
Really?
What about dinner?
HAROLD
We
can order in.
JOHNNY
Pizza
Hut?
HAROLD
You
want to eat pizza?
JOHNNY
No.
Pizza Hut.
HAROLD
Very
well. Keep an eye on her.
JOHNNY
Me?
HAROLD
Well
I can’t very well let you handle
the bus. You might traumatise the other elderly folk with that potty mouth of
yours.
JOHNNY
What
if she wakes up?
HAROLD
Let’s
hope she does.
JOHNNY
What?
HAROLD
I’m
kidding. Of course she’ll wake up.
HAROLD
EXITS. JOHNNY SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE COUCH FOR A MOMENT LOOKING AT HER. HE
GOES OVER AND GENTLY NUDGES HER FOOT. THERE IS NO RESPONSE. HE KICKS HER A
LITTLE HARDER. WHEN THERE IS NO RESPONSE HE PICKS UP HER HANDBAG. HE LOOKS
INSIDE, TAKES OUT HER PURSE AND TAKES A FEW DOLLARS OUT OF IT. HE FORAGES
AROUND SOME MORE AND PULLS OUT SOME TABLETS. HE READS THE LABEL, THEN POPS A
FEW INTO HIS MOUTH AND A FEW MORE IN HIS JEANS POCKET. HE PICKS UP THE CAT
SPRAY BOTTLE AND SHOOTS IT INTO HIS MOUTH TO HELP SWALLOW THE PILLS. HE GOES
OVER TO MISS MILTON.
JOHNNY
Hey
lady. Hey. If you see a very bright light start running towards it. Old bat.
HE
SPRAYS HER WITH THE CAT BOTTLE.
HAROLD ENTERS AS JOHNNY SCURRIES AWAY.
HAROLD
What
were you doing?
JOHNNY
Nothing.
HAROLD
Very
well. Well that’s taken care of.
JOHNNY
Do
we really have to take her to bingo or whatever?
HAROLD
Yes.
When she comes around of course.
JOHNNY
And
what about the pizza?
HAROLD
We’ll
get it on the way back.
JOHNNY
Bloody
hell.
HAROLD
I’m
sure your stomach will cope for just a little while longer.
JOHNNY
My
stomach might cope but I won’t.
HAROLD
It
looks like she’s not coming around in a hurry. I’d like to talk to you.
JOHNNY
Oh
yes?
HAROLD
I
was going to wait till later but I suppose now is as good a time as any. I
have a little proposition for you.
JOHNNY
Oh
yeah, here we go.
HAROLD
What?
JOHNNY
You
guys are all the same. A couple of regular humps, a few little prezzies and
you think you can start making demands on me.
HAROLD
I
wasn’t going to make demands.
JOHNNY
Famous
last words.
HAROLD
Do
you really see me like that?
JOHNNY
I’m
just saying…
HAROLD
If
you’re already hostile to the suggestions before I’ve even told you what
it is…
JOHNNY
Alright,
what is it?
HAROLD
No,
no. You’re quite right to be suspicious. I shouldn’t have presumed so much
upon your circumstances. And you’re obviously so popular you have no qualms
about deflecting any gesture of goodwill from those in a position to help you.
JOHNNY
Hang
on, hang on. I’m sorry. I get a little worked up. Always jumping the gun.
But you try doing what I’ve been doing for the past 2 years and see if you’re
not suspicious. What did you want to ask me?
HAROLD
How
would it be if you came to live here?
JOHNNY
What?
HAROLD
Live
here. You move in and share my home. You would have your own room of course to
come and go as you please.
JOHNNY
You
want me to move in?
HAROLD
That’s
right.
JOHNNY
Why?
HAROLD
Well
I thought you might like the idea. Don’t get me wrong. This is purely a
business arrangement.
JOHNNY
A
business arrangement?
HAROLD
Yes.
JOHNNY
And
no sex?
HAROLD
No.
Not if you don’t want it. I’ll be honest with you. I know you’re a good
lover and a steady sex life seems to be the be-all and end-all these days but
that’s not really what I’m after anymore. In any case I see little reason
to re-enact recent failures.
JOHNNY
Hey,
I told you before, just because you didn’t…rise to the occasion last time…
HAROLD
A
nice simile.
JOHNNY
There’s
other shit you can do.
HAROLD
I
forgot I was dealing with a professional.
JOHNNY
You
can get stuff. How about Viagra?
HAROLD
Not
at my age and with my heart.
JOHNNY
Your
heart?
HAROLD
I
have a weak heart.
JOHNNY
Oh.
Okay. Well maybe something a little more…herbal. I know dope helps me
sometimes.
HAROLD
I
abhor cigarette smoke and I certainly don’t want that smell all over my
furniture. In any case we’ve shifted off subject.
JOHNNY
Right.
HAROLD
So
what about it?
JOHNNY
What
about what?
HAROLD
You
move in. Of course you would have to give up your current profession…
JOHNNY
What?
HAROLD
I
don’t think I would be altogether comfortable with the notion of you
entertaining strangers in my apartment on a commercial basis.
JOHNNY
You
want me to give up my career?
HAROLD
It’s
a hardly a career.
JOHNNY
It’s
steady work. I have 4 other regulars and the odd one offs. I do okay.
HAROLD
Yes
and all very easy seeing as you can do it all lying down….
JOHNNY
If
only. You don’t know some of these weirdos. Last year I fell out of a sling
and dislocated my shoulder. Fucked up my reach-around technique for months.
Another time I chipped a tooth on some freak’s p.a.
HAROLD
And
let me guess. No dental plan? That’s what I mean. It’s also dangerous.
Hardly the sort of profession you can make any plans for the future with.
There are no retirement benefits or pension fund. Am I right in assuming you
don’t have much in the way of savings?
JOHNNY
I’ve
got a few bucks saved.
HAROLD
Well
a few “bucks” aren’t going to get you very far. No, you need something a
little more secure.
JOHNNY
I
do?
HAROLD
You
don’t have to worry. I’ve put much thought into this. We’ll find you
some proper gainful employment. I have some connections we may be able to take
advantage of.
JOHNNY
Oh
God.
HAROLD
What?
JOHNNY
Why
does everything have to get complicated? Now I have to get a real job?
HAROLD
You
can’t expect a free ride through life.
JOHNNY
And
my moving in here means you’re expecting me to go off the meter as well.
That cuts into my income. What do I do for cash in the meantime? If I don’t
work…
HAROLD
Well,
in the short term I’ll support you.
JOHNNY
You’ll
pay me?
HAROLD
Yes.
JOHNNY
You
mean you will pay me to be in your company?
HAROLD
That’s
right.
JOHNNY
How
is that different from what I do now?
HAROLD
Well,
you’d have a steady income, a roof over your head and…
JOHNNY
I
told you. I have a steady income…
HAROLD
I
suspect your income is a little erratic at best and as the years pass not a
guaranteed…
JOHNNY
Hey
I’ve still got a few good years in me.
HAROLD
I
don’t doubt it.
JOHNNY
And
I’ve got an okay flat.
HAROLD
Two
things. One…it’s not yours. You could be thrown out on the street with
little notice. And secondly how safe is it? Didn’t you once tell me someone
was knifed on the front footpath?
JOHNNY
Yeah…outside!
And where do I sleep?
HAROLD
Well
we could have you move into the spare room? The one facing the laneway. I can’t
have Missy Puss-Puss move out of her room. I’m afraid she likes the street
view from the window. The spare room is fine for all your comforts. Plenty of
light. Lots of hanging space.
JOHNNY
I
don’t plan to hang myself.
HAROLD
I
meant for your clothes.
JOHNNY
I
don’t have much in the line of clothes. Like to stick to me favourites if I
can. That way I’m not governed
by fashion. I mean what’s fashion ever done for me, right?
HAROLD
I’m
sure that type of conversation might hold ground with your young café friends
but it’s all white noise to me, I’m afraid. The most important thing in
this day and age is to have security.
JOHNNY
And
what if something happens to you? I move in and bang, two days later you drop
dead from a heart attack…
HAROLD
Thank
you for your concern.
JOHNNY
And
there’s me without a roof over my head.
HAROLD
No,
you misunderstand me. I don’t want you to be my flatmate or anything like
that.
JOHNNY
Then
what?
HAROLD
I
want to adopt you.
JOHNNY
You
want to what?
HAROLD
Adopt
you. I become….like a parent.
JOHNNY
Um…here’s
a newsflash. Isn’t adoption for…like orphans and things?
HAROLD
Sometimes.
JOHNNY
I
have parents.
HAROLD
Really?
JOHNNY
Okay
I don’t talk to them because they’re fucking arseholes but they’re still
my parents.
HAROLD
Well
it’s nice to know you still have that loving bond. No, with this type of
adoption it is all about the inheritance. Gay people are always doing it in
some parts of the United States and Europe. Look, I’ll be honest with you. I
have no family, certainly no blood relations. My sister had no children so
there’s no-one to leave my estate to.
JOHNNY
You
have an estate?
HAROLD
I
mean my money.
JOHNNY
You
got a lot of money then?
HAROLD
I
have a bit. And nothing would give me greater pleasure than knowing that it
was going to the people I care about.
JOHNNY
You
care about me?
HAROLD
Of
course.
JOHNNY
Bloody
hell.
HAROLD
And
I want in some small way to make sure you are taken care of when I am gone. I’d
like to think that when I die my legacy will live on.
JOHNNY
You
sure you’re not just doing this to spite other people? I mean I know you’re
not that close to your brother-in-law.
HAROLD
He
is a bottom feeder. Nothing more. I’ve seen more deserving entities floating
in the number one tank of a treatment farm. I was appalled when he married my
sister and even more appalled when she died before him.
JOHNNY
How
did she die anyway?
HAROLD
She…choked
on a kebab.
JOHNNY
And
you call me common.
HAROLD
GLARES AT HIM.
Aw.
HAROLD
He’s
a very good lawyer but any good that can come from my wealth will surely be
wasted on the likes of him.
JOHNNY
I’m
glad your heart’s in the right place. And how are we supposed to do this?
HAROLD
Well,
obviously there are some papers to sign but perhaps first we should put it
into trial mode with a documented arrangement. I’ll have Edmund draw one up.
You move in here for 6 months, we find and you maintain gainful steady
employment that does not involve you donning a pair of kneepads and lip balm,
and if at the end of said six months we haven’t taken out restraining orders
against each other we proceed down the adoption path. Agreed?
JOHNNY
Um…sure.
HAROLD
Splendid.
JOHNNY
Should
we shake or shag?
HAROLD
Perhaps
once more for old time’s sake. It’s your dime.
HAROLD
DROPS TO HIS KNEES AS JOHNNY DROPS HIS PANTS.
MISS
MILTON
[OFF]
Fist the shit out of him!
THEY
STOP.
HAROLD
I’ll
start the car.
blackout
Act
Two
Scene
One
JOHNNY
SITS ON THE LOUNGE DRINKING AND WATCHING TELEVISION. THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE
CAT MIAOWING IN THE BACKGROUND. JOHNNY IGNORES IT FOR A MOMENT. HE STARTS TO
GET IRRITATED, LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO BEHIND THE LOUNGE AND THROWS A
CUSHION AT THE CAT. HE GOES BACK TO WATCHING HIS TELLY. THE CAT CONTINUES
CRYING.
JOHNNY
Shut
the fuck up!
THE
CAT GOES QUIET.
Thank
Christ for that.
THE
DOOR BELL GOES OFF.
Jesus
Christ.
JOHNNY
GETS UP AND ANSWERS THE DOOR.
MAURICE
[OFF]
Hello, is Harold home?
JOHNNY
[OFF] Not at the moment. He’s out for a few hours.
MAURICE
[OFF]
I’m Maurice. Harold and I are close friends. You must be Johnny.
MAURICE
ENTERS FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY JOHNNY.
Do
you mind if I grab a drink of water? I’m quite parched.
JOHNNY
GOES OFF TO THE KITCHEN AND COMES BACK ON WITH A GLASS OF WATER.
Thank
you so much. [HE DRINKS] Mmm. Tap
water. It’s quite hard on the breathing, all those stairs. I kept telling
Harold it will be the death of me but does he take my well-being into
consideration? Of course not. You mind if I sit down? I’m still a little
puffed.
JOHNNY
Sure.
MAURICE
So…you’re
Harold’s new “flatmate.” His new “chum”.
JOHNNY
I
guess I must be. Why are you doing that with your fingers?
MAURICE
It
helps with the arthritis.
JOHNNY
Really?
MAURICE
No.
So as I said, I’m Maurice. I’m sure Harold’s mentioned me.
JOHNNY
Not
that I recall.
MAURICE
And
you’re Johnny.
JOHNNY
Unless
this is a trick question I think we’ve already established that.
MAURICE
Harold
has told me so much about you.
JOHNNY
Well
he’s told me fuck all about you.
MAURICE
My,
you have a dirty mouth.
JOHNNY
Oh
great. And let me guess. You want me to talk “nice.”
MAURICE
Oh
no, no, no, no, no…..no. I adore dirty talk. In fact I encourage it. Reminds
me of my childhood. You can say whatever you like.
JOHNNY
Okay,
you’re a rancid skinny cunt who couldn’t get a fuck if there were gold
nuggets falling out your arse!
MAURICE
Not
what I had in mind. We shall have to work on your bedside manner.
JOHNNY
Good
luck with your mission, Jim. So you and Harold are mates, are you?
MAURICE
Yes
indeed. Known him forever.
JOHNNY
How wonderful for you.
MAURICE
Yes
we’re very close. But enough talking about me. Let’s focus all our energy
on you, shall we? Harold tells me you’re a sex worker.
JOHNNY
What?
MAURICE
A
sex worker.
JOHNNY
Firstly
he shouldn’t have told you that and second…was. Was a sex worker.
MAURICE
I
stand corrected. Was. That must be fascinating.
JOHNNY
Was.
MAURICE
Really?
JOHNNY
No.
MAURICE
Oh.
But you must have met so many interesting people. I’ll bet there was the odd
famous person in there as well.
JOHNNY
In
where?
MAURICE
That
you…serviced. Is that the word?
JOHNNY
Occasionally.
MAURICE
Anyone
I would know?
JOHNNY
Do
you know anyone famous?
MAURICE
Not
personally, no.
JOHNNY
Then
no.
MAURICE
So
do you miss it?
JOHNNY
Miss
what?
MAURICE
All
that sexy work.
JOHNNY
Sex
work. It was never sexy.
MAURICE
But
it can’t be easy going from regular rumpy-pumpy to…well, whatever fresh
hell this is.
JOHNNY
It’s
okay.
MAURICE
I
mean...Harold and you. Surely you’re not still doing it? Are you still
charging him?
JOHNNY
Why
are you so interested in Harold and me? You get your jollies knowing about
that stuff? Are you gonna run home and flick one off thinking about it?
MAURICE
It’s
just a question. I’m curious. It’s not every day one runs into someone in
your line of work.
JOHNNY
Line
of work. I told you. I don’t do that stuff anymore.
MAURICE
Really?
JOHNNY
Yes
really.
MAURICE
I’m
sure if the price was right you could be persuaded to “re-enter the
profession”.
JOHNNY
I’m
good.
MAURICE
I’m
sure you are.
JOHNNY
You
wanna change the subject?
MAURICE
Of
course. Sorry if I am making you feel uncomfortable.
JOHNNY
It’s
cool.
MAURICE
Oh.
Gosh I’m still thirsty.
JOHNNY
Are
you?
MAURICE
I
really could use another drink.
JOHNNY
We’re
out.
MAURICE
Of
water?
JOHNNY
ROLLS HIS EYES, GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE KITCHEN AGAIN.
So,
you like the apartment?
JOHNNY
It’s
alright.
MAURICE
And
how are you finding living here? Everything to your liking? Got everything you
need then?
JOHNNY
I
think so.
MAURICE
Yes
I should think you do. Your own bedroom. Hot and cold running water.
JOHNNY
COMES BACK IN, HIS FINGER THIS TIME IN THE GLASS OF WATER.
JOHNNY
Yeah
I’m really living the dream.
MAURICE
I
should say you are.
JOHNNY
Like
I said Harold won’t be back for a few hours so there’s
no point you waiting. Maybe you should come back later. And at least ring
first.
MAURICE
Why?
I didn’t catch you at an inopportune moment did I?
JOHNNY
I
was just about to have a wank.
MAURICE
Really?
JOHNNY
No.
MAURICE
What
a pity. I think I’d pay good money to see that.
JOHNNY
I’ll
be you would.
MAURICE
Go
on then.
JOHNNY
Go
on then what?
MAURICE
Put
on a little show for me. Whip it out. I’ll pay you handsomely.
JOHNNY
Yeah
right.
MAURICE
I’m
serious.
JOHNNY
Yeah,
well flattering as it all sounds and I really admire your smooth talk, I don’t
think Harold would be too impressed. Do you?
MAURICE
Well,
Harold doesn’t need to know, does he?
JOHNNY
Yeah
you must be real close friends.
MAURICE
Are
you sure I can’t tempt you?
JOHNNY
Not
even if it was a hostage situation.
MAURICE
Oh
come now.
MAURICE
PUTS HIS HAND ON TO JOHNNY’S SHOULDER THEN STARTS TO WORK HIS WAY DOWN
TOWARDS HIS CROTCH.
JOHNNY
Fifty
bucks.
MAURICE
Fifty
bucks?
JOHNNY
Yep.
Your hand moves 2 inches further and it’s gonna cost you fifty bucks.
MAURICE
And
what do I get for my money?
JOHNNY
You
get me not telling Harold you went
the grope with his housemate.
MAURICE
I
see.
JOHNNY
And
for every inch closer you get to the shaft the price goes up another fifty
bucks.
MAURICE
I’ll
be broke before I hit bush.
JOHNNY
Chances
are.
MAURICE
Perhaps
I’ll get it on lay-by.
SOUND
OF DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING. MAURICE QUICKLY MOVES AWAY FROM JOHNNY AS HAROLD
ENTERS
HAROLD
Hello
Maurice. To what do we owe the pleasure?
MAURICE
Is
that the “royal” we”?
HAROLD
No.
It is the question. Do I look like a queen?
MAURICE
You
may want to sit down.
HAROLD
Amusing.
MAURICE
I
just thought I’d stop in. See how you were doing. We hardly ever see you for
tennis these days. I thought possibly you’d gone hardline on needlepoint and
we’d never see you again. It’s usually the way.
HAROLD
Nonsense.
I’ve only missed a few games. I’ve just been a tad busy of late.
MAURICE
So I
can see.
HAROLD
So
why the visit? I already know you have no heart for caring so I can only
conclude you’re checking up on me. Sniffing about like some Gladys Kravitz.
MAURICE
Dear
heart. Just making sure you’re alright. As one gets older one needs
to rely on support more and more. Think of this as a home visit. Think of it
as community services.
HAROLD
Of
course. Squeals on Wheels perhaps.
MAURICE
Your
circle of friends grows smaller. You could fall and break a hip and who would
know?
HAROLD
Well,
as I am not completely ga-ga I think I would be the first. Maurice, you’re
only 15 years my junior and I still run rings around you on court.
MAURICE
I’m
merely being polite. It’s always good manners to let your elders win on
occasion. Obviously senility has affected your brain. All those cheap Home
Brand margheritas you indulge in. That would account for the permanent
expression of surprise all over your dial.
HAROLD
I’m
more impressed you know what Home Brand is.
MAURICE
My
Thai cleaning boy uses their moisturiser to unclog the sink.
HAROLD
Thai
cleaning boy? Now I think you’re just showing off for Johnny’s benefit.
JOHNNY
I’m
glad someone remembered I was still in the room.
HAROLD
How
could we forget that? So Maurice, why are you really here? Someone on Grindr
nearby?
MAURICE
His
name’s Chuck and he has a nine inch cock…he says. We shall see. [LOOKING
AT HIS PHONE] Though his photo looks suspiciously like Justin Timberlake.
Have you had anyone famous, Johnny?
HAROLD
Forget
it. When it comes to names he’s tighter than a clam.
MAURICE
Before
you barged in Johnny was just about to tell me some sordid stories from him
most recent past.
JOHNNY
No I
wasn’t.
MAURICE
But
I’m sure you must have hundreds of stories about famous people you’ve been
with. Go on, tell me something about one of your tricks.
JOHNNY
I
don’t think so. I’m sure Harold wouldn’t appreciate it.
MAURICE
Never
mind Harold. He’s always been a prude when it comes to sex. Go on. Whisper
it in my ear. Just one story.
JOHNNY
WHISPERS SOMETHING INTO HIS EAR. MAURICE FOR A MOMENT IS HORRIFIED.
MAURICE
Really?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
On the end of his dick and it certainly wasn’t chocolate cake.
MAURICE
Dirty
bitch. [BEAT] Go on.
JOHNNY
So I
said “Ya’ may wanna pop a tic-tac. You smell like arse.” Could have been
worse I suppose. He could have asked me to bust a growler on a glass-topped
table.
MAURICE
Outrageous!!
You know I don’t think I’ve ever talk to a prozzie before in my life.
JOHNNY
Entertainment
facilitator.
MAURICE
What?
HAROLD
Just
go with him on this. It’ll be much easier in the long run.
MAURICE
I’ll
bet you picked up some real skills in your career.
JOHNNY
Former
career.
MAURICE
Okay
well if you’re not going to tell me any names perhaps there’s some
knowledge you’d like to impart? Some little tid-bit that may come in handy
for this date I’ve got in …oh shit. 30 minutes. Only if it’s not going
to cost me anything of course.
JOHNNY
You
want me to give you some advice on sex? Aren’t you like 20 years older than
me? By the looks of things I reckon you’ve seen it all.
MAURICE
Charming.
JOHNNY
Alright. For you I’d say get in there, get it done
and get out of there real quick before he comes off his medication. Oh, and if
you’re gonna fist then tuck your thumbs. I learned that the hard way.
MAURICE
You’re
just a Disneyland of delight, aren’t you?
JOHNNY
You
asked for it. I’m going for a lie down. See ya’.
JOHNNY
EXITS PRETENDING TO WANK AS HE GOES. MAURICE IS HORIFIED. HAROLD SITS DOWN NEXT TO
HIM.
MAURICE
You
old dog. You’re old enough to be his father. In fact you’re old enough to
have molested his father. I never
thought you had it in you. But I can see you’ve had it in you several more
times than what could be considered healthy or even possible.
HAROLD
It’s
not like that.
MAURICE
Of
course it isn’t. I knew it. He’s not still charging you, is he?
HAROLD
No.
I pay him a small amount of pocket money and he lives with me.
MAURICE
Pocket
money? What are you? His dad?
HAROLD
Maybe
one day.
MAURICE
What?
HAROLD
I’m
adopting him.
MAURICE
You’re
what?
HAROLD
Adopting
him.
MAURICE
What
are you talking about? Have you finally taken leave of your senses? He’s a
prostitute.
HAROLD
Entertainment
facilitator.
.
MAURICE
Call
him what you like. He still rides cock for cash.
HAROLD
You
don’t know that.
MAURICE
No,
but I know his type.
HAROLD
He
doesn’t do that and if he ever did that he certainly hasn’t done it for
me.
MAURICE
Disgraceful.
You’re old enough to be his father. In fact you’re old to have molested
his father. And what do you know about him? What’s his history? Is he
educated? Can he even spell “educated?” Maybe he’s been to prison? We
could all be murdered in our beds!
HAROLD
He
would’ve told me by now if there was anything.
MAURICE
You
can’t adopt him. He’s a grown man. You’re a grown man. Does he have
parents? Maybe he’s killed his
parents.
HAROLD
They’re
very much alive but he doesn’t speak to them.
MAURICE
Maybe
because his mouth is always full of dick!
HAROLD
Stop
talking like that and kindly lower your voice. He might hear you.
MAURICE
Okay,
and the big question on everyone’s lips is why?
Why are you adopting him then?
HAROLD
To
take care of him.
MAURICE
How
is that your responsibility? I mean, I can see the advantage of having a root
on tap but this is going too far. And as for taking care of him, that just
sounds slightly creepy.
HAROLD
Oh
and going off and meeting strange men for casual sex you meet on the internet
isn’t?
MAURICE
On
my iPhone, not the internet! That is so last year. Adoption sounds very risky.
HAROLD
I
fancy myself as a bit of a risk taker.
MAURICE
Glad
you fancy yourself because I can’t see anyone else doing it. Have you told
anyone else about your plans?
HAROLD
Just
Edmund.
MAURICE
Your
prick brother-in-law? Well he’s a blood sucking lawyer. I assume he tried to
talk you out of it?
HAROLD
He
had some concerns.
MAURICE
I’ll
bet he did. Least of all the fact that, with you having a new “son”,
dick-face brother-in-law misses out of a huge chunk of your estate. Oh my God.
Are you going to leave everything to “knob boy?”
HAROLD
If
the adoption goes ahead I guess he’ll be entitled to some of it.
MAURICE
If
he’s your only heir then he’ll get all of it. [REALISES]
My car! You’re still leaving me the car?
HAROLD
Of
course.
MAURICE
Well
you know what I think?
HAROLD
You’ve
just spent the last ten minutes telling me. Is it possible I’ve missed
something?
MAURICE
I
think you’ve finally gone insane. I think the glue holding on that carpet
tile hairpiece of yours has finally seeped into your brain and you’ve gone
dingbat like your neighbour. [PAUSE]
Unless of course…
HAROLD
What?
MAURICE
Unless
of course you’re in love with him.
HAROLD
Maybe
you better leave. Haven’t you got some local penis to puff on?
MAURICE
Oh
my God you are. You are in love with
him.
HAROLD
Shut
up.
MAURICE
This
is ridiculous. You can’t be in love with him.
HAROLD
Why
not?
MAURICE
Sweet
Jesus. A few reasons spring to mind with bells and whistles. First, he’s a
prostitute! Dress it up however much you like. Once a prozzie, always a
prozzie. Secondly and still trying to expunge reason one from the record, you’re
also trying to adopt him. If the courts were crazy enough to let you adopt
him, from my understanding you’re not allowed to be in any kind of sexual
relationship.
HAROLD
Which
we’re not. Not anymore anyway.
MAURICE
And
yet he’s still here. Riddle me that one Batman. Falling in love with a
prostitute. How pathetic. Sounds like that movie.
HAROLD
Pretty
Woman?
MAURICE
That’s
the one. With that guy with the small dick. Never liked him. Squinty little
eyes. Looked like a Shar Pei. Does he love you?
HAROLD
I’ve
no idea.
MAURICE
Does
he know you love him?
HAROLD
I
doubt it.
MAURICE
Good.
Don’t let him know. He already has the advantage. Give him that kind of
ammunition and you’ll be lucky if he leaves you with the stretch marks on
your back. If you are going to go
ahead with this farrago then be very careful.
HAROLD
That’s
it? You’re not even going to try and talk me out of it any further. I must
say you gave up quite easily. You’ve put more effort into talking me out of
a vanilla slice.
MAURICE
Just
promise me one thing.
HAROLD
What?
MAURICE
If
you’re not having sex anymore and he goes back on the game you give him my
number. I’d like to fuck him before he gets any fatter!
HAROLD
Noted.
Blackout
Scene
Two
JOHNNY
IS AGAIN SITTING IN HIS TOWEL PLAYING ON HIS WII. THE CAT CAN BE HEARD
MIAOWING IN THE BACK GROUND. JOHNNY TRIES TO IGNORE IT. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS HE
GOES TO THE HALLWAY DOOR.
JOHNNY
[SCREAMING
OFF] Shut the
fuck up or I’ll strangle you, ya’ manky fur ball! It’s too early for
dinner.
HE
GOES BACK TO HIS GAME.
JOHNNY
[SCREAMING
OFF] And if
you crap in my room one more time I’m gonna set fire to your squeaky mouse.
THERE
IS A THE SOUND OF A SQUEAKY TOY.
JOHNNY
Don’t
push it cat!
THE
SOUND OF KEYS AS
HAROLD ENTERS.
JOHNNY
Howdy.
HAROLD
Oh
good. You’re up.
HAROLD
GOES INTO THE HALLWAY THEN COMES OUT WITH THE SPRAY BOTTLE. HE SPRITZES JOHNNY.
HAROLD
No!
No balls on the sofa. I don’t want any body fluids leaking on the
upholstery.
JOHNNY
I’m
wearing a towel.
HAROLD
GLARES AT HIM
Alright.
Bloody hell.
HAROLD
Go
and get dressed. We’re having company.
JOHNNY
Who?
HAROLD
Edmund.
JOHNNY
Your
brother-in-law?
HAROLD
That’s
right.
JOHNNY
Why
is he coming over? I thought you hated him.
HAROLD
I do
but this is business and he’ll be here quite soon.
THE
SOUND OF A DOOR BUZZER.
JOHNNY GRABS SOME JEANS AND A T-SHIRT FROM BEHIND THE SOFA
Perhaps
even sooner.
HAROLD
GOES AND BUZZERS HIM IN.
JOHNNY
I
was hoping we were gonna to have a quiet day in. It’s crap outside.
HAROLD
Going
to have. Going to have. Not “gonna.”
JOHNNY
Excuse
me all over the place. Sorry. Going to.
HAROLD
This
shouldn’t take long. How goes it with the job hunting? Anything in the
papers?
JOHNNY
Nope.
Everyone wants skills.
HAROLD
You
have skills.
JOHNNY
Yeah,
big surprise. Being able to lick your own knob doesn’t look too good on a
resume. Even in bold.
HAROLD
Hmm.
Maybe you should do a TAFE course?
JOHNNY
In
knob licking?
HAROLD
GLARES
Yeah.
Maybe.
EDMUND
ENTERS, SHAKING HIS UMBRELLA
EDMUND
It’s
pissing down outside. I really wanted to come across town for this.
HAROLD
That’s
why I’m paying you the big bucks. Besides you said you never get to see me
enough.
EDMUND
You
know, we could have done this by email and a scanner.
HAROLD
And
miss the warmth of a home visit? I wouldn’t dream of such a thing. Edmund,
this Johnny.
THEY
SHAKE HANDS.
EDMUND
So
this is the lucky man.
JOHNNY
Yeah,
it’s a real fucking treat.
EDMUND
I
should say it is. Harold’s told me so much about you. Hard to believe we
haven’t met. My being family and all.
JOHNNY
I
thought you used to be his brother-in-law. Isn’t your wife dead?
EDMUND
I
still like to think I’m part of his family.
JOHNNY
I’ll
bet you do.
HAROLD
You’ll
have to forgive Johnny. He’s very plain speaking.
EDMUND
Clearly.
Yes well, I understand you’ve been living here for some time now.
JOHNNY
Yep.
EDMUND
Yep
indeed.
HAROLD
Yes,
that’s right. Six months.
JOHNNY
Six
months? Fuck that’s flown.
HAROLD
Johnny!
What have I told you?
JOHNNY
What?
My balls aren’t on the sofa?
HAROLD
HOLDS UP THE SPRAY BOTTLE.
Oh
that. No saying “fuck” in company either.
Sorry.
HAROLD
Good
boy.
EDMUND
Interesting
dynamic. How did you two meet? Harold was very vague.
JOHNNY
If
Harold told you about me I’m surprised he didn’t tell you how we met.
EDMUND
Oh
he probably did but I’ve simply forgotten. Refresh me will you?
JOHNNY
You’re
a lawyer or something, aren’t you?
EDMUND
Lawyer
yes. Something? Well that’s for me to know and you to find out.
JOHNNY
Geez,
I thought lawyers were supposed to have good memories.
EDMUND
When
it comes to trivialities it lapses.
JOHNNY
We
just met around. It was a kind of…business arrangement.
EDMUND
And
yet Harold is now making arrangements to secure some kind of future for you.
JOHNNY
Yeah.
It’s a funny old world, ain’t it?
EDMUND
It
certainly is.
HAROLD
Edmund,
can I get you a drink?
EDMUND
Not
during business hours.
HAROLD
Not
even a glass of champagne to celebrate? I was going to open a bottle.
EDMUND
If
you see this as cause for celebration. Time will tell. As for the champagne no
thanks. I’ve just brought over
some paperwork for you and the boy wonder to sign.
JOHNNY
Me?
EDMUND
That’s
right.
JOHNNY
What
is all this stuff about anyway?
EDMUND
Didn’t
you sound him out?
HAROLD
It
slipped my mind.
EDMUND
It’s
the initial paperwork for allowing Harold to legally adopt you. Well, part of
it anyway. It still has to be approved and signed off at a hearing in front of
a judge.
JOHNNY
Judge?
EDMUND
Yes.
Prove you’re not in any type of abnormal relationship. Good luck with all
that! You have no problems appearing in front of a judge do you?
JOHNNY
[WORRIED]
No, of course not.
EDMUND
Good
to hear. Now I will need a copy of the boy’s birth certificate and a letter
of agreement from his parents rescinding all parental rights. I take it that
won’t be a problem?
JOHNNY
What?
Why?
EDMUND
It’s
what’s required if we’re to go ahead with it. You can get your hands on
those I suppose. Are you parents still living?
JOHNNY
Yep.
EDMUND
[LOOKING
AT HAROLD] And
the mystery deepens.
HAROLD
This
is all for you, you know. I’d like to know you’ll be alright without me.
JOHNNY
Of
course I’m going to be alright. I just get the feeling ya’ trying to buy
me.
HAROLD
Buy
you?
JOHNNY
These
days you just throw things at me like I’m a kid.
HAROLD
I
want you to be taken care of if something happens.
EDMUND
He
wants you to be taken care of in case something happens.
HAROLD
We
can’t have you going back to your old life, can we?
EDMUND
That’s
right. He can’t have you going back to your old life, can he?
JOHNNY
What
are you? A bloody parrot?
EDMUND
And
just what was that anyway?
JOHNNY
A
parrot? It’s a bloody bird.
EDMUND
No,
I…oh forget it.
HAROLD
I
just assumed that, like everyone else, you would want some security.
JOHNNY
I do
but…why does it have to be so complicated?
[LOOKING AT THE PAPERS] Maybe I should read it first.
EDMUND
You
think you’ll understand it?
JOHNNY
Probably
not. I just don‘t want to feel
like I’m signing away my soul!
HAROLD
Who
said anything about your soul?
EDMUND
Right.
You sign here and here…and here.
JOHNNY
I
just have a bad feeling about this.
EDMUND
I’m
not the devil.
SOUND
OF LARGE THUNDERCLAP. THEY ALL LOOK UP. EDMUND SMILES CREEPILY.
HAROLD
He
isn’t. Really he isn’t. We’ve had him tested.
EDMUND
If I
were to be the devil...
HAROLD
Which
he’s not…
EDMUND
I’d
want your signature in blood as I suspect you’re certainly no angel.
JOHNNY
You’re loving this, aren’t you?
EDMUND
Is
it making you uncomfortable?
JOHNNY
Yep.
EDMUND
Then
yes.
HAROLD
You’ll
have to forgive Edmund. He doesn’t have much in the way of people skills.
Even when he was young his imaginary friends took out a restraining order.
EDMUND
Hilarious.
JOHNNY
And
what happens if I don’t sign it?
EDMUND
Nothing.
Well, nothing for you anyway. Just the adoption doesn’t happen and in the
event of Harold’s death you get nothing.
JOHNNY
Nothing?
EDMUND
Am I
using too many big words? Nothing!
PAUSE.
JOHNNY
Okay.
HE
SIGNS IT.
EDMUND
There.
All done. That wasn’t too taxing for you, was it?
JOHNNY
I’ll
live.
EDMUND
Yes,
well…death and taxes.
JOHNNY
Boy,
I gotta say you seem very happy about this.
EDMUND
Do
I? Wheee.
JOHNNY
Aren’t
you?
EDMUND
It
doesn’t affect me one way or the other.
JOHNNY
I
can see that.
EDMUND
This
is all purely business. Which reminds me, Harold you’ll
have to stop by the office and we’ll go over the new will.
JOHNNY
Will?
EDMUND
That’s
right.
HAROLD
I
don’t think we need to talk about that now.
EDMUND
Of
course.
JOHNNY
Do I
get a mention in your will?
EDMUND
Not
yet.
JOHNNY
[TO
HAROLD] Do I?
HAROLD
It’s
just precautionary. All part of the adoption process.
EDMUND
Strictly
speaking that’s not quite true but you do benefit if Harold should pass
away.
JOHNNY
Hah!
You planning on kicking the bucket anytime soon? Cha-ching.
HAROLD
You’re
funny.
JOHNNY
What
do I get?
HAROLD
Never
mind.
JOHNNY
[TO
EDMUND] What
do I get?
EDMUND
Well,
once all outstandings, creditors, taxes and a few of Mr Braithwaite’s
favoured charities are paid you will inherit approximately half the estate.
This is of course dependant on all the adoption processes being completed as
well.
JOHNNY
Half?
Is that a lot?
EDMUND
It’s
more than you deserve.
JOHNNY
Half
eh? Fucking ace! Wait a minute. Who gets the other half? Not you, I hope.
EDMUND
Thank
you, no.
JOHNNY
Then
who?
THERE
IS THE SOUND OF MIAOWING OFFSTAGE.
You’re
fucking kidding me!
HAROLD
SPRAYS HIM WITH THE WATER BOTTLE.
The
cat? The cat inherits half?
EDMUND
Delicious,
isn’t it?
JOHNNY
That
furry piss and shit factory gets half of all your money?
HAROLD
I
told it was a mistake to mention it.
EDMUND
Oh
but the best news is if Harold passes away then you have to take care of it.
JOHNNY
You
want me to take care of the cat? Can’t you just put it in a home for old
pussies?
HAROLD
I
would rather die.
JOHNNY
You’ll
already be dead.
HAROLD
This
will give you a chance to think about others.
JOHNNY
It’s
a cat.
HAROLD
It
will teach you responsibility.
JOHNNY
It’s
a bloody cat!
HAROLD
I
know it’s a bloody cat but it’s my bloody cat and I love her.
JOHNNY
But
the cat hates me!
EDMUND
Then
it’s not just me?
JOHNNY
Wait
a minute. What happens if the cat drops dead?
HAROLD
Then
you get the entire estate.
JOHNNY
Fantastic!
HAROLD
Yes
I’m sure you’ll be sad when I’m gone.
EDMUND
But
in the event of the cat’s death an autopsy is required and if the cat dies
by any means other than natural causes or confirmed accident, which, as he
never leaves the unit, is highly unlikely, then you get nothing. It‘s a
clause. A cat’s clause if you like.
JOHNNY
Cat’s
clause. Fuckin’ hilarious.
HAROLD
SPRAYS HIM IN THE FACE.
And
what’s your take in all this?
EDMUND
Take?
I don’t have a take! This is for
your benefit! Not mine. It protects
you. Otherwise when Harold drops dead you get bugger all.
HAROLD
Honestly.
It’s nice that everyone is putting such a positive spin on my demise.
EDMUND
Take
indeed! I’m getting nothing out of it.
JOHNNY
Hey,
you’re his lawyer, right?
EDMUND
Yes.
JOHNNY
Then
he must be paying you something. I’m sure you don’t do it for love.
EDMUND
Why,
you presumptuous little toe-rag. My business arrangements have nothing to do
with you. Harold, call off your dog or I will have him spayed.
HAROLD
It’s
alright. Perhaps we should all calm down. Johnny, be nice. Edmund try not to
be so…well, you actually.
EDMUND
I
don’t have to sit around listening to rubbish from the likes of that.
Harold, any future business meetings we have will take place in my office if
you don’t mind. And I suggest you find yourself someone more deserving quick
smart before his little ragamuffin ruins what reputation you have left and
takes you for everything you’ve got. I’d start by counting the silverware!
JOHNNY
Bye.
And don’t let the doors smash your bony arse on the way out. You dumb prick!
EDMUND
GLARES AS HE EXITS. HAROLD LOOKS AT JOHNNY FOR A MOMENT.
HAROLD
I
think you really upset him. [HE GOES
OVER TO HIM AND KISSES HIM ON THE FOREHEAD] Good boy. Here’s a biscuit.
Blackout
Scene
Three
JOHNNY
IS TRYING TO COAX THE CAT OUT OF THE HALLWAY DOOR WITH DRY CAT FOOD.
JOHNNY
Come
on, Missy. There’s a good girl. Just a few steps. That’s it. Come on you
filthy flea bag. Let me drop you like the sack of shit you are. Maybe I‘ll
suffocate you with a pillow case in your sleep. Would you like that? Huh? Even
better. How about I strap you to your litter box, set it on fire and throw it
out the window? Gosh, Now that
sounds like a plan. A most excellent plan. That’ll teach you to piss on my
pillow.
HE
THROWS A HANDFUL OF DRY CAT FOOD AT THE CAT OFFSTAGE.
You
fucker!
HAROLD
[OFF]
Johnny? What are you doing?
JOHNNY
Playing
with Missy Puss-Puss.
HE
THREATENS TO PUNCH THE CAT IN THE HEAD.
HAROLD
[OFF]
See? I told you the two of you would get along.
JOHNNY
Yeah,
you were right there.
HE
INDICATES SLITTING THE CAT’S THROAT.SOUND OF THE DOORBELL.
JOHNNY
Fuck
me.
HAROLD
[OFF]
Johnny?
JOHNNY
What?
HAROLD
[OFF]
Can you get that? Tell whoever it is I’m resting and shan’t be disturbed.
JOHNNY
[UNDER
HIS BREATH] Shan’t
you? How would you like a kick in
the “shan’t.”
HAROLD
[OFF]
I heard that.
JOHNNY
LOOKS PUZZLED THEN GOES OFF AND ANSWERS THE DOOR.
JOHNNY
[OFF]
Oh great. Come in.
HE
RE-ENTERS FOLLOWED BY MISS MILTON.
He’s
resting and “shan’t” be disturbed.
MISS
MILTON
Actually
it is you I wish to converse with.
JOHNNY
Why
doesn’t anyone speak normal around here? You wanna talk to me?
MISS
MILTON
Yes.
It has come to my attention that someone or something has, and I hate to be
indelicate, been urinating in the back garden lately. This event is known to
occur late at night just after the public hotel down the road closes.
JOHNNY
Really?
Maybe it’s one of your local drinkers on his way home and he can’t make it
to the dunny in time.
MISS
MILTON
Oh
yes I think you may be right in it being a local. They stagger down our side
laneway and relieve themselves willy-nilly, not caring a jot for social
etiquette. I have even seen couples preparing to engage in acts of debauchery
and fornication. And not always man and woman either, if you know what I mean.
If my father were alive today to see that sort of shenanigans he’d drop
dead. If it wasn’t for my long garden hose this whole neighbour would be
reduced to a bacchanalian orgy and where would we be? One has to be vigil.
JOHNNY
Right.
Hedge humpers huh? Gotta love ‘em. So what’s this got to do with me?
MISS
MILTON
I
just know that you come and go quite late most evenings. I thought perhaps you
might have heard or seen something?
JOHNNY
Nope.
MISS
MILTON
It
is just so unusual. If one of your locals as you call it decided to use my
lovely flower bed as his or her own private
treatment farm…actually it would have to be a man. No woman would lend
herself to such a public indignity. As I was saying he would need to be a very
agile and athletic alcoholic to even clear the fence. The only other
conclusion being that he might have a key to the back gate which would then
make me wonder whether the culprit was indeed someone from our very own
building. A notion that is quite unfathomable. If you have a key you use your
own bathroom. Yes?
JOHNNY
I
guess
MISS
MILTON
And
it is indeed a notion not just unfathomable but disconcerting. Most of the
inhabitants of this building are elderly folk in their 70’s and upwards. Few
of them have the wherewithal to venture out to the back garden during the day,
let alone late at night. I say this because it always seems to be in the same
spot and my lovely begonias, the ones that I
hand-planted 22 years ago the day after I buried my late father the
Colonel, have taken a hammering of late and are looking very much worse for
wear. I dare not go near them anymore. The stench alone these warn summer days
would be enough to have birds fall from their branches. I am determined to
catch this maladjusted social reprobate in the act and then will gladly report
him to the authorities. Of course if I got my hands on him he could kiss
goodbye any chance of ever fathering a children. We must catch this animal
before he goes on to larger deeds. Melbourne Talk Radio tells me that gang
rape is very big these days.
JOHNNY
Nine
out of ten people say they love it. Hah!
MISS
MILTON
I’m sorry?
JOHNNY
Skip
it.
MISS
MILTON
But
fear not. We’ll catch him out sometime soon and then we’ll have at him,
won’t we. That type always “comes a’cropper
before evensong” as my dear father would say.
JOHNNY
I’ll
keep an eye out. And If I hear or smell anything I’ll let you know.
MISS
MILTON
Wonderful.
JOHNNY
Is
there anything else?
MISS
MILTON
So I
see you’ve settled in here well and truly.
JOHNNY
Yep.
MISS
MILTON
I
was quite shocked when I heard Mr Braithwaite was taking in a lodger. Oh but
they don’t call it lodger these days do they? Everything being politically
correct. I meant you being a flatmate. Probably a good thing you moving in.
Apart from keeping Mr Braithwaite company it must
be a relief for you not having to do all those cross-city trips just to have a
shower. Mr Braithwaite’s water bill must be through the roof.
JOHNNY
Is
there anything else?
MISS
MILTON
No
that was all.
HAROLD
ENTERS.
Oh
Mr Braithwaite I’ve woken you. I am dreadfully sorry.
HAROLD
No
that’s fine. I was just resting my eyes
JOHNNY
I’m popping out for a little while. Just some
errands to run. Check ya’.
HE
EXITS.
MISS
MILTON
I
was talking to your young flatmate about some miscreant violating if not
decimating my fathers’ lovely begonias.
HAROLD
Really?
MISS
MILTON
Yes.
Sadly and though it pains me to say it I think he knows more than he’s
letting on. But I will refrain from further comment until more information
comes to hand. These are litigious times and as my father..
BOTH
The
colonel.
MISS
MILTON
…always
said if you’ve got nothing nice to say about someone don’t say it at all.
HAROLD
Wise
words.
MISS
MILTON
It’s
just that your young friend comes and goes at often quite late hours and so I
thought he might have seen something.
HAROLD
Comes
and goes?
MISS
MILTON
Yes.
I sometimes hear the gate and your young friend venturing out. I’m a light
sleeper and often avail myself of a
warm milk and some late night movie on the ABC.
HAROLD
I
see.
MISS
MILTON
I’m
surprised you don’t hear him. I must say he certainly keeps odd hours for a
cruise director, don’t you think?
HAROLD
Yes.
Of course.
MISS
MILTON
Is
your young friend planning on residing here for an extended period?
HAROLD
Er…yes
I think so.
MISS
MILTON
In
that case I hope you’ll be able to advise him on some of the body corporate
regulations.
HAROLD
I’ll
let him know.
MISS
MILTON
I
hope you’ll forgive me for being presumptuous but your relationship seems
very unusual if not a little familiar.
HAROLD
Perhaps
it might be best if I was completely honest with you.
MISS
MILTON
I’m
not sure I understand what you mean.
HAROLD
Johnny
will not just be moving in here.
MISS
MILTON
No?
HAROLD
No.
I am currently in the process of adopting him.
SHE
HAS A GLAZED LOOK IN HER EYE
Did
you hear me?
MISS
MILTON
Adopting
him?
HAROLD
Yes.
MISS
MILTON
May
I ask why?
HAROLD
I
think he needs stability in his life. I may be the best person to provide it.
His parents have for all intents and purposes abandoned him.
MISS
MILTON
So
he will be like…your son?
HAROLD
Yes,
that is correct.
MISS
MILTON
Interesting.
SHE
DROPS TO THE FLOOR IN A DEAD FAINT.
HAROLD
Oh
shit.
BLACKOUT
MISS
MILTON
[VOICE]
Cock sucking pig-fucker!
Scene
Four
SPOTLIGHT
ON JOHNNY AND BRUNO.
JOHNNY
Bruno,
it’s Johnny.
BRUNO
Johnny.
Fuck mate. Where you been hiding yourself?
JOHNNY
Oh,
I’ve been around.
BRUNO
We
all know that but long time between beers and blow jobs. I heard you moved out
of your flat. Still sucking dick for a living?
JOHNNY
Not
quite. Hey listen, you still keep in contact with that bloke?
BRUNO
Bloke?
JOHNNY
The
one that gets rid of people and things. You know. Makes them disappear?
BRUNO
Disappear?
JOHNNY
Do I
have to spell it out?
BRUNO
Oh.
Disappear. Yeah Mickey. What about him?
JOHNNY
Can
you get him?
BRUNO
Well,
he just got out of the nick. Why? You steal a car of some jewellery or
something? Didn’t think you were into that sort of stuff. I thought you were
a good boy.
JOHNNY
No.
Nothing like that
BRUNO
Didn’t
think so. No offence mate but you’re a bit of a
wuss. You want him to do something for you?
JOHNNY
I’m
thinking about it. I need to get rid of someone.
BRUNO
Geez
mate. Are you sure? This is pretty big. You know what you’re getting into
with this shit? We’re talking seriously bad karma. You reckon you can live
with yourself after that? ‘Coz I know I couldn’t.
JOHNNY
I
think I can.
BRUNO
Alright
but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’ll try and hook you both up. But fuck
Johnny. I gotta tell you. You really don’t want to get mixed up with the
likes Mickey. He’s a psycho. He was away for 18 months just for dropping
some bouncer in a wheelie bin. And once he’s in your life it’s real hard
to get him out of it.
LIGHT
UP ON HAROLD PICKING UP THE EXTENSION TO MAKE A CALL.
JOHNNY
I’ll
be alright. But it has to look like an accident. Understand? I got a lot
riding on this and I don’t want it coming back to bite me.
BRUNO
Nothing’s
guaranteed. You know it costs heaps to get rid of someone. You got that kind
of money?
JOHNNY
Don’t
worry about the money. I’m pretty well set up these days.
BRUNO
Well,
that makes a nice change.
JOHNNY
So
you’ll call him?
BRUNO
I
said I would.
HAROLD
HANGS THE PHONE UP AND LOOKS WORRIED. LIGHT DROPS OUT.
So
what’s the target’s name?
JOHNNY
Missy
Puss-Puss.
BRUNO
What?
JOHNNY
Missy
Puss-Puss.
BRUNO
Oh,
one of those society types huh? Weird name. What is she? Greek heiress or
something?
JOHNNY
No,
she’s a cat.
BRUNO
What?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
I need to get rid of her.
BRUNO
A
cat. You wanna put a hit on a cat?
JOHNNY
Yep.
BRUNO
Johnny?
JOHNNY
What?
BRUNO
Get
fucked.
LIGHTS
DROP OUT ON BRUNO. THE SOUND OF MISSY PUSS-PUSS MIAOWING.
JOHNNY
Mother
fucker!
BLACKOUT
Scene
Five
HAROLD
IN A SPOTLIGHT. HE DIALS A NUMBER FRANTICALLY.
MISS
MILTON
[RECORDED]
Hello, you have called Edna Milton, I’m unavailable right now but if you
leave a message… [SNORES AND THEN A
BEEP.]
HAROLD
HANGS UP AND DIALS AGAIN. HE GETS THROUGH.
HAROLD
[RECORDED]
Hi, this is Maurice. You know what to do. Wait for the beep.
HAROLD
[WHISPERED
VOICE]
Maurice, it’s Harold. Call me back urgently. I
have a feeling I’m in danger. I’m not sure but it’s
possible Johnny is arranging to have me killed. I think I may have made a
terrible mistake. Oh answer your phone you bastard!
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS
UP. HAROLD IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA. THE TELLY IS STILL PLAYING. HE WAKES. DARK
FILM NOIR MUSIC. THERE IS A SUDDEN FLASH OF LIGHTNING AS JOHNNY STANDS AT THE
KITCHEN DOORWAY, HIS SHIRT OFF AND HOLDING A LARGE KNIFE. HE RUNS IT ACROSS
HIS CHEST. THERE IS A LONG LINE OF BLOOD. HE MOVES TOWARDS HAROLD RAISING THE
KNIFE AS HE GOES. HAROLD BACKS AWAY FROM HIM AND MOVES AROUND THE SOFA. JOHNNY
BLOCKS HIS EXIT, AN EVIL SNEER ACROSS HIS FACE.
HAROLD
Oh
sweet Jesus. Johnny no. pls you mustn’t.
JOHNNY
MOVES CLOSER TO HIM.
You
can have whatever you want. All my money. Just please don’t hurt me.
HE
BACKS HIM BEHIND THE SOFA. HAROLD TRIPS AND IS ON HIS KNEES. JOHNNY GRABS HIM
BY THE HAIR. HAROLD, SCREAMS, FAINTS AND DROPS. THE WIG IS STILL IN JOHNNY’S
HAND AS THE PHONE STARTS RINGING. JOHNNY LOOKS AROUND TO SEE WHERE THE PHONE
RINGING IS COMING FROM. A HAND COMES UP FROM BEHIND THE SOFA AND SNATCHES THE
WIG BACK. THE HAND COMES UP AGAIN AND SPRAYS JOHNNY ON THE CHEST.
AS
THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER THE LIGHTS START TO DIM. THE PHONE CONTINUES TO RING.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS
COME BACK UP. HAROLD IS ON THE SOFA. HE JOLTS UPRIGHT. HIS WIG IS BACK TO
FRONT. HE PANICS THAT HE CANNOT SEE.
HAROLD
Blind!
HE
REALISES HIS WIG IS ASKEW AND PULLS IT AROUND JUST AS JOHNNY ENTERS THROUGH
THE FRONT DOOR.
JOHNNY
What
are you trying to do? Send yourself deaf?
HE
PICKS UP THE TV REMOTE AND SWITCHES IT OFF. HAROLD LOOKS HORRIFIED.
HAROLD
Stay
away from me?
JOHNNY
What
are you talking about?
HAROLD
I
know what you’re up to.
JOHNNY
What?
HAROLD
You’re
going to have me killed, aren’t you?
THE
SOUND OF A PHONE RINGING.
JOHNNY
What?
HAROLD
Don’t
deny it!
JOHNNY
Are
you gonna answer that or just let it wake up everyone in the building?
HAROLD
GRABS IT FROM INSIDE THE KITCHEN DOOR AND ANSWERS IT.
HAROLD
Hello?
What? Oh Mrs Milton I’m so sorry. It would appear I’ve fallen asleep and
come to rest on the television remote. Yes, we’re alright. Johnny too. What?
Did he? Yes well, thank you for your concern. No it won’t happen again.
Goodnight.
HE
HANGS UP THE PHONE AND LOOKS AT JOHNNY.
Where
have you been? Are you just getting in? It’s 1am.
JOHNNY
I
know. Since when do you watch late night telly?
HAROLD
Since
when do you go out late at night after I’m asleep?
JOHNNY
I
had some stuff I needed to care of.
HAROLD
One
can only imagine the type of thing you have to take care of at this ungodly
hour. Care to elaborate?
JOHNNY
No.
HAROLD
I
see. I am led to believe this is a common occurrence.
JOHNNY
It
happens occasionally.
HAROLD
Where
do you go to at night when I’m asleep?
JOHNNY
Why
do you want to know? You’re asleep. You said I could come and go.
HAROLD
Yes.
JOHNNY
So
what’s the big deal? I go out and meet friends. Have a few drinks. A few
laughs. Then I come back here.
HAROLD
Is
that all?
JOHNNY
Why
do you care?
HAROLD
I
just want to make sure you’re being careful.
JOHNNY
You
sure that’s all?
HAROLD
I
have a stake in your future. I’d like to think my investment was in safe
hands and looking after itself.
JOHNNY
Is
that all I am to you? An investment?
HAROLD
No
of course not.
JOHNNY
I’m
a human being, you know.
HAROLD
I
know that.
JOHNNY
No I
don’t think you do. I was just a quick fumble for you when we first met.
Nothing much has changed. Okay, you wanna know the truth? I do the occasional
job.
HAROLD
You’ve
been working?
JOHNNY
Yep.
HAROLD
Having
sex with people? Why?
JOHNNY
For
all the great chums I make. Why do you think I do it? The money of course.
HAROLD
I
thought you were going to get a proper job.
JOHNNY
I’m
qualified for fuck all. I left school early. I’ve got no diplomas or
anything. Who’s gonna hire me? I
wouldn’t.
HAROLD
Something
will turn up.
JOHNNY
I’ve
been looking. It’s been eight months and nothing. I thought you said you had
some connections.
HAROLD
I’m
afraid they didn’t pan out.
JOHNNY
And
there’s me with no chance of any income.
HAROLD
And
the money I gave you?
JOHNNY
I
know you think it’s good having a kept boy but I
don’t want to be kept by anyone. I’m a man Maybe it was alright at first
but after a few months I stopped being me.
HAROLD
You
were a prostitute! Was there something else on your business card I missed?
JOHNNY
GLARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT THEN GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. AFTER A MOMENT HE COMES
BACK OUT STUFFNG CLOTHES IN A BAG.
Where
are you going?
JOHNNY
I’ve
got some mates. I’ll go over their place.
HAROLD
You’ve
leaving?
JOHNNY
And
you’re supposed to be the smart one.
JOHNNY
STARTS TO WALK OUT THE DOOR THEN TURNS TO HAROLD.
You
know in all the time I’ve known you, you never once called me a prostitute.
You never even made me feel like one. All your friends did but not you. And
that was the one thing I could rely on. I guess I was wrong.
HE
EXITS.
BLACKOUT
Scene
Six
MAURICE
ENTERING FOLLOWED BY HAROLD.
MAURICE
So I’m
sorry I didn’t rush over here sooner but I was in the middle of something
big. Or rather something big was in the middle of me. His name was Gunther.
German backpacker. God bless those Krauts. Had me bouncing off the walls. I
think I’ve lost all discernable muscle control. It’s all I can do to stop
my uterus flopping out onto the lino. Now what’s the matter? Your message
was a little manic.
HAROLD
That
was almost 15 hours ago. You should get a job with the suicide prevention
hotline.
MAURICE
Well
at least I’m here now. What’s the problem? Why so glum?
HAROLD
Well
for starters I can’t find Missy Puss-Puss.
MAURICE
That
was it? She goes missing every other week. She’s probably hiding somewhere.
Have you checked all the cupboards? The wardrobe?
HAROLD
Not
yet.
MAURICE
Well,
stop worrying. She’ll turn up. She always does. Anything else?
HAROLD
I
don’t want to talk about it.
MAURICE
Thank
Christ.
HAROLD
Don’t
you even want to know?
MAURICE
Er…no.
HAROLD
It’s
Johnny.
MAURICE
What
about him? Is he leaving skid marks over the upholstery.
HAROLD
No
of course not.
MAURICE
Well,
I wouldn’t put it past him. Just make sure you’re flipping the cushions
darling.
HAROLD
Must
you be so crass?
MAURICE
I am
a semi middle-aged homosexual. That was module number 1.
HAROLD
He’s
gone.
MAURICE
Gone
where?
HAROLD
Gone,
gone.
MAURICE
Oh
gone. I thought it was rather quiet round here and with a distinct lack of
fully functioning prostate. And where has he gone to? Holiday?
HAROLD
No.
He’s left.
MAURICE
I
see. Why? Was he tired of you putting the moves on him? With your dry skin I
bet it felt like he as being molested by a fibreglass pink batt.
HAROLD
I
never did. In any case he was getting plenty of action from other sources.
MAURICE
From
who?
HAROLD
He
started working again.
MAURICE
That
dirty little bitch. Was he dragging them home here? Did you catch them in the
act? Were they naked? Were they repulsive? You must have been furious. And who
could blame you.
HAROLD
No I didn’t catch them and he wasn’t bringing them home.
MAURICE
Well,
that’s at least something.
HAROLD
Yes
that’s something alright.
MAURICE
And
why did he go back on the game?
HAROLD
I
haven’t a clue.
MAURICE
You
didn’t ask him?
HAROLD
I
didn’t have the chance. I mentioned it We argued.
He left.
MAURICE
What
a pig. Well, at least you can stop all this dreadful talk about adopting him
anyway. That should be some consolation.
HAROLD
You
would think so.
MAURICE
And
yet you’re still upset.
HAROLD
What
gave it away? The fact I’m ready
to run out to the back shed with some rope?
MAURICE
I’m
very intuitive. Have you tried calling him?
HAROLD
I
only have his work mobile answering service.
MAURICE
So
call it.
HAROLD
I
have. About 30 times. I’m on a first name basis with the operator. No return
calls.
MAURICE
Face
it my darling he obviously wants nothing more to do with you.
HAROLD
I
really thought…
MAURICE
What?
That he loved you back? That he would grow to love you back if you gave him
goodies?
HAROLD
He
could have had it all.
MAURICE
Yes
but at what price?
HAROLD
I
just wish I knew what he wanted.
MAURICE
Why
would you presume he wanted anything? Maybe he was a better person that you
thought.
HAROLD
Than
we thought.
MAURICE
LOOK AT HIS WATCH
MAURICE
Crap!
Look, I would love to discuss this with you further…
HAROLD
You’re
going?
MAURICE
Uh-huh.
Something urgent.
HAROLD
More
urgent than this?
MAURICE
Much.
A quick change. You stay here and ponder the universe.
If he calls you then beg his forgiveness and tell him you’ll try not
to be such a needy and insecure slob. If
not then maybe it was doomed to fail as I predicted and you can get me a nicer
car before you pop your clogs. I’ll drop around some brochures next week at
tennis.
MAURICE
EXITS HURRIEDLY. HAROLD SITS DOWN FOR A MOMENT THEN GETS UP AND GETS THE
PHONE. HE SPEED DIALS THE NUMBER.
VOICE
[OFF]
Big Johnny’s voice mail service. Your message please.
HAROLD
Hello
Janice.
VOICE
[OFF]
Harold, how are you? It’s been, what, 3 hours since your last call?
HAROLD
Probably.
VOICE
[OFF]
Same message as before? Easy peasy. Just a bit of cut and paste. If only
everyone was as easy as you.
SOUND
OF RIPPING.
HAROLD
What
was that Janice?
VOICE
[OFF]
Bloody velcro, Harold. It may be the ruin of me.
HAROLD
Janice,
can I ask you something?
VOICE
[OFF]
I feel I know you intimately already Harold. Of course you can.
HAROLD
Has
he checked his messages?
VOICE
[OFF]
Now Harold you know that due to privacy issues and strict confidentiality
guidelines I cannot disclose that type of information. I could be fired.
HAROLD
I
understand.
VOICE
[OFF
– AFTER A LONG PAUSE]
No.
HAROLD
No?
VOICE
[OFF]
That’s right. He hasn’t checked his messages for some time. No-one’s
called him either. I’m guessing he’s not all that popular these days.
Except with you.
HAROLD
Thank
you Janice.
VOICE
[OFF]
Not at all Harold. So same message as before?
HAROLD
Yes…No.
No, this time just say…sorry.
VOICE
[OFF]
Sorry?
HAROLD
Yes.
VOICE
[OFF]
I understand. Harold I have to go. My team leader’s looking at me like I
dragged my baps across the monitor. Call centres always attract power hungry
twats. Harold…I hope it works out.
HAROLD
Thank
you Janice.
VOICE
[OFF]
Goodbye.
HAROLD
Bye.
BLACKOUT
Scene
Seven
HAROLD
WATCHING TELEVISION. THE SOUND OF A DOORBELL. HE SWITCHES OFF THE TELLY THEN
GETS UP AND GOES TO THE FRONT HALLWAY.
HAROLD
Ah
Edna. Do come in.
THEY
ENTER. SHE CLEARLY HAS HER WIG ON BACK TO FRONT.
MISS
MILTON
Yes
Harold, I was just wondering…
SHE
STOPS.
I’m
sorry. I think my eyeballs need combing. [SHE
SPINS HER WIG AROUND TO FACE THE CORRECT WAY] As I was saying I just came
over to see if you wanted me to get anything for Missy or yourself. I’m
heading down to the shops, you see.
HAROLD
No,
nothing. Thank you. She seems to be in hiding at the moment anyway.
MISS
MILTON
It
all seems very quiet here these days. I barely hear a whimper except for Missy’s
6pm feeding time blitzkrieg. No noise from the television. No cursing and
cussing. Whatever happened to your friend?
HAROLD
My
friend?
MISS
MILTON
Your
friend the cruise director? The one you were adopting. He’s moved out?
HAROLD
Yes,
I’m afraid so. About six weeks ago.
MISS
MILTON
I
see. Perhaps it was for the best.
HAROLD
Perhaps.
MISS
MILTON
Or
perhaps I am a stupid woman and know nothing about the real world. I think he
meant more to you than you’re letting on.
HAROLD
You
think I am being foolish as well?
MISS
MILTON
I
would not presume. Can’t have been easy for him. Doing what he did for a
living?
HAROLD
I
don’t know, Cruising around the world seems like an excellent option right
now.
MISS
MILTON
No,
I meant his other work.
HAROLD
Other
work?
MISS
MILTON
I
know you have a sweet tooth as do I. Occasionally I’d pop onto the tram and
venture down to Acland Street and happily ensconce myself in one of the many
cafes sampling their pastries. Say what you like about those filthy Europeans.
They whip up a stunning French vanilla slice. I was quite the regular and
sitting near Shakespeare Grove you could observe the odd working girl plying
their trade as it were.
HAROLD
Really?
MISS
MILTON
Yes.
And on one or two occasions the odd working boy. I knew there was a reason he
looked so familiar.
HAROLD
Oh.
MISS
MILTON
Yes.
I may be “out of it” a lot of the time as the youngster say these days but
sometimes real life and the odd memory can be all too lucid. I take it you
have parted company for good?
HAROLD
I
think so.
MISS
MILTON
But
is he not family?
HAROLD
Nothing
had been finalised.
MISS
MILTON
Well
my begonias will be pleased for the reprieve. Still he was happily living here
for quite some time. I felt sure he would have stayed the distance.
HAROLD
So
did I.
MISS
MILTON
Such
a pity. Even with his potty mouth and his predilection for pissing on ones
plants he seemed quite good company for you. At our age company is one of the
few things we can relish with gusto. You have to be very lucky these days if
you find someone to share your life with. Even those of us pushing against
time’s grasp should take comfort in the company of those we love.
HAROLD
I
didn’t say I loved him.
MISS
MILTON
Didn’t
you? Anyway…[BEAT] Anyway. Don’t
you hate the expression? So lazy. Oh well. I wouldn’t dwell on it too long.
Things have a way of turning out for the best. Sometimes we don’t know it at
the time but it’s all part of God’s plan…if
you believe that sort of thing. Well, must be off. You sure I can’t get you
anything from the store?
HAROLD
Quite
certain. Thank you.
SHE
EXITS. HAROLD SITS FOR A MOMENT. HE LAYS DOWN AND SWITCHES ON THE TV.
HE
STARTS TO FALL ASLEEP. HEAVY RAINFALL AND PART OF THE PRETTY WOMAN SOUNDTRACK
CAN BE HEARD
Scene
Eight.
LIGHTS
COME UP AGAIN. JOHNNY IS LEANING AGAINST THE DOORWAY COVERED IN BLOOD. HAROLD
WAKES UP AND SEES JOHNNY WET AND COVERED IN BLOOD. HE SCREAMS.
HAROLD
Johnny?
JOHNNY
Hi.
I was wondering if I could stop here for the night?
HAROLD
Oh
Lord! What’s happened to you?
SUDDENLY
JOHNNY FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND HAROLD REALISES HE IS INJURED. HAROLD
RUSHES TO HIM AND WALKS HIM TO THE SOFA.
JOHNNY
I’m
sorry. I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
HAROLD
Wait
a minute. You stay there. I’ll get a towel.
HAROLD
RUSHES OFF AND COMES BACK ON WITH A TOWEL AND FIRST AID KIT. HE HELPS JOHNNY
TO THE SOFA.
JOHNNY
I’m
soaked. I’ll put water all over the sofa.
HAROLD
Never
mind that! It’s only a sofa.
JOHNNY
You’ve
changed your tune.
HAROLD
What
happened?
JOHNNY
Some
fuckers bashed me up. I was only doing a job 2 blocks from here. Who knew
there were so many poofs in Balaclava?
HAROLD
You
were robbed?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
I was robbed.
HAROLD
Why?
JOHNNY
Oh
gee. I don’t know. I got real lucky? They looked liked a couple of junkies.
I wouldn’t have come here, only your place was the closest and I didn’t
want to jump on a tram looking like this.
HAROLD
Understandable.
JOHNNY
I
was afraid if I laid down I might not get up again.
HAROLD
We
need to get you to a hospital.
JOHNNY
No,
I’m okay. Just pissed off more than anything. They took all me money. Even
the stuff I had stashed.
HAROLD
Stashed?
JOHNNY
My
secret money. I kept most of me
cash in a bag strapped under me balls. No-one’s gonna go too near another
guys’ junk in a hurry. They knew what they were looking for. Fuck knows how
but they knew.
HAROLD
Well
it’s only money.
JOHNNY
Easy
for you to say.
HAROLD
Why?
How much was it?
JOHNNY
I
don’t know. Eight or nine grand.
HAROLD
Why
did you have so much money on you?
JOHNNY
Because
the banks are cunts and there was nowhere else to leave it. I’m staying at a
boarding house in St Kilda and I’m not crazy enough to leave it there. I
thought it’d be safer to keep it with me. Most of it was the money you gave
me.
HAROLD
I
didn’t give you that kind of money.
JOHNNY
Not
all in one go but over the past 9 months you have.
HAROLD
Your
pocket money?
JOHNNY
Yeah.
I only spent my money. Not yours. As soon as I moved in here I put everything
you gave me aside.
HAROLD
Why?
It was yours.
JOHNNY
Yeah
but I didn’t earn it.
HAROLD
Of
course you earned it.
JOHNNY
Living
here, doing nothing except keeping you company? That’s not earning. That’s
just using someone. I didn’t want to be like that.
HAROLD
Then
why were you holding on to it?
JOHNNY
‘Cause
I thought maybe one day I could give it back to you. Or even buy you something
you really like.
HAROLD
I
have everything I really like.
JOHNNY
I
know. That was the other fuck up.
HAROLD
Why
are you staying at a boarding house? I thought you were going to stay with
your friends.
JOHNNY
I
don’t have any friends! What friends do you think I would have, doing what I
do? I’ve got no-one. My family rarely talk to me because they’re
homophobic cunts. And that was before
they knew I’d started doing all this shit. The few people I do know are
junkies, criminals or johns. I’ve got nothing going for me except a dick
some people like, I can still blow three times a night if I’m lucky and some
street smarts but there’s bugger all else on my resume. So what else am I
supposed to do?
HAROLD
I’m
sorry.
JOHNNY
No.
I’m sorry. I’m just a bit sore, that’s all. I think coming here was a
mistake.
HAROLD
No
it wasn’t. But I should take you to the hospital.
JOHNNY
It’s
not that bad. Probably looks a lot worse than it is.
HAROLD
I
don’t know about that. I think we should have you checked out.
JOHNNY
I’m
always being checked out. I might give it a rest. And before you say anything
I was joking.
HAROLD
In
any case I think you need to see a doctor.
JOHNNY
I’ll
be alright. Don’t worry. I just need to sleep for a bit.
HE
LAYS DOWN WITH HIS HEAD IN HAROLD’S LAP AND DRIFTS OFF TO SLEEP. HAROLD
STROKES HIS HAIR AS THE LIGHTS FADE.
BLACKOUT
AFTER
A MOMENT THEY COME UP AGAIN. HAROLD IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA WITH JOHNNY NOWHERE
TO BE SEEN.
HAROLD
Johnny?
Johnny?
HE
REALISES JOHNNY IS GONE. HE SITS BACK DOWN. JOHNNY COMES OUT OF THE HALLROOM.
JOHNNY
Yeah?
HAROLD
IS STARTLED AND CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.
Easy
Tiger. It’s only me. Don’t drop dead on me. I was just having a shower.
HAROLD
I
thought I was having a dream.
JOHNNY
Or a
nightmare. Maybe you should get rid of that telly.
HAROLD
Are
you feeling okay?
JOHNNY
I’m
alright. A bit sore but I‘ll live.
HAROLD
I’ll
get you some breakfast.
JOHNNY
No
time.
HAROLD
Where
are you going?
JOHNNY
Well
there’s a train at 9 from Southern Cross. I think I might head home to
Wangaratta for a bit. Catch up with my parents. Give them a chance to
apologise for being arseholes.
HAROLD
You
don’t have to go.
JOHNNY
No,
I should. It was wrong to presume upon you.
HAROLD
That
was very good.
JOHNNY
I’ve
been practicing. I’m gonna speak as good as you
one day.
HAROLD
I’m
“gonna” hold my breath. [PAUSE]
Stay.
JOHNNY
I
can’t.
HAROLD
This
is your home.
JOHNNY
No.
This is your home. I’m a fly by
night. That’s right, isn’t it?
HAROLD
I
never saw you that way.
JOHNNY
No?
Well you’re one of the few people who didn’t.
HAROLD
I
think you could be happy here.
JOHNNY
No I
think you could be happy with me
here but we both know the timing’s not right.
HAROLD
At
my age time is all I’ve got.
JOHNNY
I
know. I just don’t think I want to be your son. I’d rather be your friend.
HAROLD
I
think I’d like that.
JOHNNY
I
gotta go.
HE
HEADS TO THE FRONT DOOR THEN STOPS
JOHNNY
You
said once that you cared about me. Did you mean it?
HAROLD
Can
you think otherwise? [JOHNNY LOOKS
PUZZLED] I meant it.
JOHNNY
I’m
not gonna kiss you. You know I don’t do that.
HAROLD
You
have your principles. I respect that.
JOHNNY
But
maybe…
HAROLD
Yes?
JOHNNY
Maybe
I could visit you again? Free of charge even. Hah! Not to stay. Just to visit.
HAROLD
I’d
like that very much.
JOHNNY
Give
Missy a kiss for me.
HAROLD
When
I see her I shall endeavour to do so. That Pretty Woman movie? Did it have a
happy ending?
JOHNNY
I
think so.
HAROLD
As
good as this?
JOHNNY
Not
much better.
JOHNNY
STARTS TO WALK OUT THEN STOPS, TURNS AND KISSES HAROLD GENTLY ON THE MOUTH.
JOHNNY
Just
in case you wondered.
HE
EXITS. HAROLD LOOKS AROUND THE APARTMENT FOR A MOMENT. HE STANDS IN FRONT OF
THE SOFA AND TOUCHES HIS LIPS AND SMILES. HE SITS DOWN QUICKLY. THERE IS THE
SOUND OF A CAT SCREECHING FROM UNDER THE SOFA.
HAROLD
Oh
shit.
LIGHTS
FADE
END