Filthy Pervert Seeks Same

A play by Steve Dawson



Copyright © 2003

All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.

Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.

This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT
P.O. Box 445 Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone 61 2 9281 9622
Fax 61 2 9212 7100
raftos@raftos.com.au





First Performance

January 12th 2003
Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre
Melbourne Australia



Cast

Adam Chamberlain
Sean Ladhams
Robert Lewis
Robbie Macfarlane
Phillip McKechnie



Directed by Steven Dawson

Note: This play can be performed by four male actors on an empty stage.




ACT ONE

ENTR’ACTE

[FROM ORIGINAL PRODUCTION] THE CAST ENTERS TO THE SOUNDS OF ALEX LLOYD SINGING “AMAZING.” THE MUSIC CONTINUES AS THEY STOP, THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN MOVE BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE STAGE IN VARIOUS POSES FROM THE PLAY, MOST OF THEM SEXUAL IN NATURE, SOME UTILISING SIGN LANGUAGE. A GOOD LOOKING SEMI-NAKED MAN ENTERS AND POSES FOR THEM. THEY ALL PLAY TO HIM TRYING TO ENTICE HIM WITH THEIR POSES. HE IGNORES THEM, POSING VERY SLOWLY. THEY MOVE AROUND HIM. AT THE END OF THE DANCE HE EXITS.

SCENE ONE

THE FOUR EACH TAKE OUT A GAY NEWSPAPER AND START READING ALOUD.

SEAN
Wanted....

ROBERT
Needed...

PHILLIP
Looking for…

SEAN
Gay white male...

ROBERT
Gay Asian male...

ADAM
Anything with a pulse...in fact, pulse optional.

PHILLIP
Looking for some hot sex

ROBERT
Something casual

ADAM
Some kind of wonderful...but a quick wriggle will suffice.

PHILLIP STRIPS HIS SHIRT OPEN AGAIN

ALL
That'll do nicely, thank you.

THEY FOLD UP THE NEWSPAPERS AND PUT THEM IN THEIR BACK POCKETS

SEAN
Me?

PHILLIP
Good looking

ROBERT
Average

SEAN
Okay

ADAM
Not too shabby

PHILLIP
Tall

ROBERT
Medium

SEAN
Tall

ADAM
Concise

ROBERT
Good body

PHILLIP
Slim frame

SEAN
Work out occasionally.

ADAM
Stood outside a gym once.

ROBERT
Eight inches

SEAN
Eight inches

PHILLIP
Eight inches

ADAM
Eleven inches

THEY LOOK AT HIM

ADAM
Okay. Nine inches

THEY CONTINUE LOOKING AT HIM.

ADAM
Eight inches…but girth like a beer can.

ROBERT
Cut.

PHILLIP
Cut

SEAN
Uncut.

ADAM
Depends on the weather.

THEY STARE AT HIM. HE SHRUGS

ROBERT
Scene

SEAN
Non-scene

ADAM
Seen and been scene

THEY ALL TURN TO BODY BUILDING POSES

PHILLIP
Straight acting

ROBERT
Straight acting

SEAN
Straight acting

ADAM
[FLAMBOYANT POSE] Very straight acting

ROBERT
People say I look like…

PHILLIP
Tom Cruise in Top Gun

SEAN
Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting.

ADAM
Barney Rubble in traction…on a good day.

PHILLIP
Hot and horny as hell, looking for a hook-up. Clean healthy and fit. Daytime action preferred. Black hair, green eyes, works out a bit but no Muscle Mary. Like a bit of leather. Ready for action anytime.

ROBERT
Love the pub, like the boys, wanna kick back after a hard day at the orifice. Like the odd joint but no pot head. Easy going and easy on the action.

SEAN
Very quiet, non-threatening, non-smoking. Into sport, music, languages, cycling and travelling…one day. Someone to go out with. Movies, the odd bar, but really just to sit home and cuddle or whatever.

ADAM
Party slag, into drugs, cheap sex and rough trade. Don’t want the relationship. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, moved on. Time to fly, time on my lonesome but occasionally time to get it on with the right root.

PHILLIP
Smooth

SEAN
Hairy

ROBERT
Medium

SEAN
Looking for…

PHILLIP
Looking for…

ROBERT
Looking for…

ADAM
Longing for

ALL
Umm…

ROBERT
Tall

SEAN
Tall

PHILLIP
Tall

ADAM
Tall

ROBERT
Good looking

SEAN
Good looking

PHILLIP
Good looking

ADAM
Ugly as a bucket of bums…just joking. Good looking

ROBERT
Young

PHILLIP
Young

SEAN
Youngish

ADAM
No grannies

ROBERT
19-25

ADAM
25-30

PHILLIP
25-35

SEAN
30-50

ALL
Year old

ADAM
[TO SEAN] Nana fucker.

ROBERT
Big donkey cock. Something to knock the froth off my cappuccino.

SEAN
Low hanging balls you could smother a puppy with.

PHILLIP
Arse tighter than a mullet’s moot.

ROBERT
And not all over the shop like an old tart’s tundra.

ADAM
Swimmer’s build…and I don’t mean Shelly Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.

ALL
Into

SEAN
Hot sex

ROBERT
Hot action

PHILLIP
Hot times

ADAM
Hot tub

SEAN
Any time

ROBERT
Every time

ADAM
All the time

PHILLIP
Overtime

SEAN
Licking

ROBERT
Sucking

ADAM
Fisting

PHILLIP
Fucking

ADAM
Tit work

ROBERT
Pit work

SEAN
Never into shit work

PHILLIP
B & D

ROBERT
S & M

SEAN
No TVs, trannies or effems

PHILLIP
Speedos

ROBERT
Food play

SEAN
[SINGING] Gonna do it my way!

ROBERT
From the ceiling

PHILLIP
Off the wardrobe

ADAM
Over the bonnet of my Hyundai Excel

SEAN
Wog boy looking for action

ADAM
Hung daddy looking to come

PHILLIP
Suck freak needs release

ROBERT
Bi guy wanting some arse licking

SEAN
Top wanting bottom

ADAM
Bottom wanting top

PHILLIP
Uni student needs to be taught a lesson between lectures

ROBERT
Motorcycling meat munch

SEAN
Rice queen ready to retire

ADAM
Chubby chaser wants stick insect

ROBERT
Bubble butt blow bitch

SEAN
D.B. Dominant bottom.

ADAM
Bear looking for cub

PHILLIP
Bi-curious but horny.

SEAN
Night owl looking for blowjobs.

ROBERT
Dark skin.

ADAM
Olive skin.

SEAN
Light skin

PHILLIP
Foreskin.

ADAM
Green eyes

ROBERT
Brown eyes

SEAN
Blue eyes

PHILLIP
Two eyes!

ADAM
Black hair

ROBERT
Blond hair

PHILLIP
Brown hair

SEAN
Ginger hair

ALL
Mm-mm.

ADAM
Ginger pubes?

ALL
Blah!

ROBERT
Like a nest of pink baby mice.

ALL
Arrgh!

THEY ALL START TO GET EXCITED

PHILLIP
Watching porn

ADAM
All day

ROBERT
All night

SEAN
Anything dirty

ADAM
Filthy

ROBERT
And I want to do it now

ADAM
Now

SEAN
Now

PHILLIP
Now!

ROBERT
Nothing complicated.

ADAM
Just an almighty shag-a-thon.


PHILLIP
You and me.

SEAN
No spectators

ROBERT
Getting down and dirty.

ADAM
Doing it hard.

SEAN
You’re hard.

PHILLIP
Rock hard

ROBERT
Big cocks

PHILLIP
Fat cocks

SEAN
Up my arse

ADAM
Down my throat

ROBERT
Gagging

SEAN
Pumping

OTHERS
Yes.

PHILLIP
Pumping

OTHERS
Yes.

SEAN
Big cock

ADAM
Long cock

ROBERT
Beer can cock

ALL
Rose Hancock!

SEAN
Sucking

ADAM
Sucking

PHILLIP
Sucking

ROBERT
Sucking

PHILLIP
Harder

OTHERS
Mm.

ADAM
Down my throat.

ROBERT
All the way

PHILLIP
Make me gag

ADAM
Throbbing

SEAN
Pulsing

ROBERT
Pulling out

OTHERS
Oooh.

ADAM
Slam it back in.

OTHERS
Arrgh!

PHILLIP
Gonna do it

SEAN
Do you

ADAM
Pounding

ROBERT
Harder

SEAN
Harder

ALL
Harder

PHILLIP
Building up

SEAN
Rise in my balls

ROBERT
Pulling up tight

SEAN
Gonna come

ROBERT
Gonna come

PHILLIP
Shoot that load

ROBERT
Gonna do it

ADAM
Wait. Not ready

SEAN
It’s coming

ADAM
Wait a minute. I need to…

ROBERT
Almost there

SEAN
Shooting

ROBERT
Shooting

PHILLIP
In your mouth

SEAN
Buckets

ROBERT
Gallons

PHILLIP
Back of your throat

SEAN
Fill our mouth

ROBERT
You want it

PHILLIP
Gonna choke you

ADAM
What?

THEY CLIMAX

OTHERS
Oooh

PHILLIP
Love it

ADAM
Almost there

OTHERS
Mm.

SEAN
Beautiful.

ROBERT
Delicious

PHILLIP
Salty

OTHERS
Un-huh.

SEAN, PHILLIP & ROBERT START TO EXIT

ADAM
What…what about me? [SCREAMING] Bastards!!

 HE STARTS TO MASTURBATE FURIOUSLY. HE NOTICES THE AUDIENCE STARING AT HIM. PHILLIP ENTERS AND STARES AT HIM. ADAM STOPS.

More of that later.

SCENE TWO


PHILLIP
I'm a slut. Now I'm not telling you that to shock you or to brag and boast.

ADAM
Yes he is.

PHILLIP
Well, yes I am but...it's the truth.

ADAM
So help him God and all who sail up him.

PHILLIP
Are you going to stand there the whole time?

ADAM
Would you prefer me on my knees?

ADAM GIVES A LOOK OF MOCK INDIGNATION THEN SLOWLY SAUNTERS OFF.

PHILLIP
I can honestly say that since first starting the horizontal mambo at 16 I’ve have slept with quite a few thousand men. Actually, to clarify...I’ve had sex with a few thousand men. If I had a notch on my bed for every time I got jiggy with it then I'd be sleeping on a pile of woodchip! Now, I know some of you are thinking "What a creep. All those men and not someone you love." But I can honestly say I loved each and every one of those fucks, uh, humps, er…roots…guys. Sometimes more than one a night and most times at angles that would make many a rock climber dizzy. I’ve blown, been blown, banged and been buggered to the back teeth with a bounteous supply of schlong de moray.

ADAM
[OFF] Lovely.

PHILLIP
[IGNORING HIM] I’m an expert in many fields. Not to mention the odd paddock and I gotta tell you...I love sex. It's a fantastic thing. I don't know why more people aren't doing it. Well, doing it with me. Of course it wasn't always the case. There’ve been times when I haven't had sex at all. God. That was the worst Thursday I’ll ever remember. [BEAT] I blame my sister, of course. She’s the one who got me started on this in the first place.

I'm 15 and she takes me out for a birthday milkshake. Wild, huh? She drags along her new boyfriend Chris. This is only the second time I'd met him and we hadn’t really spoken. He was no-one. Just my sister's boyfriend. Knowing her, this’d be the 30th or 40th she'd had this year and it’s only April. She asks me to meet her at the milk bar at 5pm. I'm already there reading my Mad magazine when they arrive and sit opposite me. She's gabbing away about something and he's not saying anything. After 20mins her stories had become so dull I was losing the will to live when his knee bangs against my leg under the table. I look at him. He’s watching her intensely, laughing at her lame jokes. He has short brown hair because he's in the Army or the reserves or maybe he's just a boy scout, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention when my sister told me. Clear skin that's a little tanned or maybe he's slightly ethnic. Big lips, straight teeth and long eyelashes, almost like a girl. I look at his eyes and they're a sort of icy blue-green. I guess he's good looking. What's he doing with a scrubber like her? His leg taps against mine once more and I shuffle so it doesn't happen again but the next time his knee searches me out, hits me again and this time it doesn't move away. It lays against my leg. I'm not sure whether I should move. He might be just be rubbing his leg against the table and if I pull it away too obviously then I might be over-reacting to a perfectly innocent situation.

I look at him but this time I notice that his eyes aren't as focussed as they should be. What he's actually looking at is the window near her, which gives a perfect reflection of the table and, more importantly, me. I look at the reflection and he smiles and rubs his leg against mine again and this time I know it's no mistake. Now when you're 15 hard-ons are instant, immediate and happen just delivering a letter or taking the rubbish out. Right now my dick’s aiming for the stars and in danger of knocking my milk shake over. I'm trying to listen to my sister's fascinating tale of how she had to return a blouse to a snooty shop assistant at Target and her boyfriend of the hour is almost going the grope with her kid brother over a double choc malted. I tell them I need to go to the toilet and good thing the public toilets are just across the car park. I get up, hoping like hell my school tie’s covering my dick's vertical trajectory. I run across the car park to the lavs. No-one there, thank Christ.

I stand at the basin and splash my face with cold water wondering what the hell is going on. Once my dick has gone down a bit I actually do need to take a slash. I'm at the urinal wondering whether I should just leave. I mean, I've had the milk shake. I turn around and he's standing leaning against the cubicle door. He must've followed me across the car park. He smiles. I smile back like an idiot. He starts to back into one of the cubicles, not taking his eyes off me. He beckons with his head. I don't know what he wants to do but I follow slowly. It's very cramped. He closes the door behind me brushing up against me to put on the lock. My dick's a mini towel rack again. Of course I put it down to just physical contact. I mean, sex with men wasn't on my to-do list. Sex with anyone would have been a real fat chance in my case. I’ve looked in the mirror and think...well, I wouldn't fuck me. But here's this guy who supposedly has the hots something chronic for my sister and we're jam-packed in a lav, his huge bulge pressed so tightly against me it's buckling my rib cage. He grabs the back of my hair and moves in close so I smell the cheap Avon after-shave my sister’s given him. His five o'clock shadow is rough against my cheek. His lips are soft and moist as they drag across my cheek and come to rest on my mouth. I don't know what to do. I've never kissed anyone before. No-one’s ever given me instructions on how you do it. I've seen the movies and it’s perfect but in real life it feels like two heads trying to avoid each other's nose. His mouth sucks on my mouth. I suck back then his mouth opens slightly and his tongue starts wandering in on its own and explores my fillings. I'm grinding my hips into his, which is not an easy thing as he is almost a foot taller than me so I'm humping his kneecap for all I know. His hands start messing around with my belt buckle. He undoes my trousers and lets them drop to the floor. He drops to the toilet seat and my dick hits him hard on the chin. He grabs hold of it, looks up at me, smiles then engulfs my dick with one swoop.

I’ve never felt anything like it. It's weird and wonderful all at the same time. I didn't know people actually do things like this. When you call someone a cocksucker at my age you don't actually think someone puts it into practice. Here I am getting my first blowjob and it’s amazing. Not that I have anything to compare but in the wide world of cocksuckers if this blowjob is lousy then I’ve certainly got something wonderful to look forward to if I ever get a professional! He's slurping and sucking like a man possessed and I'm swearing like one. Oh Jesus, Oh Christ, oh fuck, fuck, fuck. He's up and down all over my dick, chomping on the head, getting right underneath it all, lapping with his tongue in places I couldn't see without a tiny mirror and a port-a-flood. He hums and the vibrations just about send me over the edge. He's pulling down on my balls with one hand and grabbing my arse cheek with the other. It takes just a few more deep gulps, I feel the you-know-what rising and I can't stop it. I guess I'm suppose to pull out but I tell you, a tractor-pull attached to my arse couldn't get me out of that gob and all of a sudden…Bang. I'm blowing into his mouth like Linda Blair hurling pea soup onto the wallpaper. I almost faint, my legs buckle, I kinda blackout out for a nan-o-second and bang my head on the toilet wall. He's holding me up and gulping it all down. I stand there for a few minutes. I mean, what am I suppose to do now. He's still got my dick in his mouth, groaning and making yummy sounds. After a few moments he takes my dick out, gives it a little lick and goes mm. He stands up, looks right into my face. He mouth is red and glistening with the tiniest drop of cum on the side. He licks off and grins.

He grinds his hips into mine again then moves me around, pushes me so I'm sitting down and he's standing right in front of me. I watch him slowly unzip his jeans. What can only be described as the Loch Ness monster beaches itself onto my forehead with a thud. It's big, angry and not gonna take no for an answer. I've never seen one this close. Well, not from this position and not as rampant. It’s like a billy-club. You could've set the table on it. I want to spend a little bit of time looking it over, investigating the whole shebang but I got the hint we were pressed for time by the way he grabbed the back of my head that time was of the essence, what with my sister 50 metres away probably watching her banana sundae melting and me hovering over one of my own.

He moves closer and his big angry purple head is pressing against my lips. I open them slightly and that must've been the cue ‘cause he tries to shove the whole damn thing down my throat like some pig on a rotisserie. Of course he's not getting much past my braces and any violent assault could've left him slashed and bleeding on the floor. He moves it back and forth in my mouth trying to set up some kind of rhythm. I’m thinking if he goes any deeper it's gonna be covered in choc malt. It feels real weird having this thing in my mouth. I'm not sure where I should look. Do I keep my eyes open? Do I keep them shut? All I'm seeing is his pubes coming at me then going away then coming at me. But I also notice is this little blue bird tattoo the size of a twenty-cent piece just above his pubic hair so I focus on that. It must be new because the colours are still pretty vibrant and leap out at you...but then again that could've been the thrusting action. It’s got the most amazing colours and they're carefully filled in between the lines. A beautiful blue and yellow tinge on the beak with piercing red eyes. The tattooist really cared about his work. I wonder how many times my sister has seen this bluebird and at this angle.

I must've been getting good because after a while I didn't even notice that his pubic hair was now hitting my nose. I work in a pretty steady rhythm. Bluebird, pubic hairs, blue bird, pubic hairs. At one point I could smell smoke and I thought this can't be right until I looked up and saw he'd lit up a cigarette. It felt like eternity but I guess it’s was only a few minutes before I started getting used to having this thing in my mouth and then I started to enjoy it. I was doing the little humming now and he seemed to enjoy that as well because he started growling like my dog Lucy when she's got her toy duck. He sticks the cigarette in his mouth, grabs the top of the toilet walls with both hands and starts swaying. So I start swaying with him. He's getting a little bit aggro and sways so much I bang my head on the metal toilet paper dispenser. I try and steady myself and hold fast and my hand reaches around and grabs one of his arse cheeks. He lets out a big groan so I move my finger closer to you-know-where and he groans even louder. My finger’s poised near his hole and he's moaning like a man possessed so I just stick my finger in and his knees buckle, crushing my hand against the toilet door. He lets out a groan, I let out a groan because the cigarette has dropped out of his mouth, burning my ear on the way down and suddenly my mouth starts filling up with his juice. I almost choke. It tastes fucking awful. I think I'm going puke and I hate to think what it's doing to my braces.

After a few moments he's stopped pounding, things are going limp in my mouth and I've swallowed most, if not all of it. He backs away and it doesn't look as impressive any more. What’s amazing is that I managed to come a second time without even touching myself or realizing it. What a gip! He zips up, unlocks the door and he’s just about to leave when he turns around and kisses me softly on the mouth. "Happy birthday" he tells me. "Thanks" is all I can babble because I'm still trying to pick a pubic hair out of my braces. "Maybe we can do it again some time." He starts to walk out the door then stops. "Oh, and if you tell your sister I'll beat the shit out of you." Lovely. By the time I get back to the milk bar, he's sitting opposite her again like nothing has happened, she's boring him with her yabber and I think I'm falling in love with him.

When he comes over to visit her he gives me a look and on the odd occasion grabs my cock when no-one's looking. Once my sister asked if he could stay the night and my parents let him on the condition he sleeps in my room in the spare bed. This suits me just fine. I hear him kiss her goodnight then come into my room, strip down and jump into the other bed. I gotta tell you, just the thought of him being there in my bedroom gets my dick rock hard. I try to start up a conversation but he says he's tired and to go to sleep. After a while I drift off but then I'm woken up at around 2 in the morning. There’s a warm feeling on my groin and as I come out of my stupor I realise it's his mouth and it's getting me real hard. I'm making so much noise grunting and thrashing about like a spastic washing machine he grabs the pillow and stuffs it over my face to try and shut me up. I think my head’s going to explode. Not to mention my nether regions. He lifts his mouth off for just a second, the selfish bastard, and boom, two thirds of my Simon Le Bon poster are splattered and most of my Batman bedspread as well! At 15 you can do that. I've barely recovered when he pushes me over, climbs underneath, pulls me on top of him, spits on his hand and slams two fingers up my arse while he jerks himself off. [What a romantic.] But just as he’s about to come I shove my face down on his dick and swallow everything. I like the taste this time. I like him this time.

I lay down on his chest and he wraps his arms around me. I look up at him and he kisses me really soft again. I want to stay there all night and that’s just what we do. I lay on top of him just kissing him, kissing his chest. Him holding me. I lay there in some sort of light hazy dream. I watch the morning stream in through the curtains. I look up at his beautiful eyes and his perfect lips and his smile and it’s all I need. It’s all I’ll ever need again. That time, that guy, it was perfect. I knew he didn’t love my sister even though he never said anything about her and I never saw them that close. When they’d kiss in front of me he was always looking over her shoulder at me.

A few weeks later I heard they broke up. I ask her how come and she says he never wanted to have sex with her. I'm shocked for two reasons. One…she really is a slut and will sleep with anyone. The other, that he was probably only doing it with me. I felt special. But I also thought, what am I gonna do? Will I still get to see him? I mean, just because he’s not seeing her anymore doesn’t mean I should miss out, does it? She tells me he’s moving into the city. Well maybe he can still come over. It’s only 30 kilometres away. Not that far. But he doesn’t call and I don’t hear from him again.

I feel empty and numb. I don’t care about anything. I kept telling myself it wasn’t just the sex. It was being there in his arms. Even at 15, that’s important. It’s what I missed the most. But maybe he didn’t love me. Maybe he didn’t care. So why should I be feeling like this? It was just sex. It didn’t matter to him as much as it did to me. He used me and I used him. We were a couple of users. I feel miserable.

Each day bleeds into the next. My sister has plenty of new boyfriends and there ain’t one I fancy. I think my heart and all my glands must be dead. On the last day of school I’ve finished all my exams and getting ready to go to my high school formal. I dress up in my rented blue suit with the horrible ruffle and my dad’s cufflinks. I’m feeling flat, not wanting to do this or anything else for that matter. Just get it over with and move on to the next phase. The formal is dull beyond belief. At 10.30pm I say goodbye to my few friends, stumble out of the hall and look across the courtyard.

He’s standing there looking at me. With that grin, that smile. I walk over to him. I haven’t seen him in two years but he hasn’t changed at all. Maybe the grin’s gotten a little cockier. He asks me how I am. I mumble a few words. He tells me he’s just stopping over at his parents place for the weekend because they’ve gone away and he has to feed their dog. “C’mon. I’ll walk you home.” He says. We start walking and he hardly says anything. I don’t understand why he’s here. We never really talked that much two years ago but now you’d like him to at least say something.

It’s a full moon that night with a cool warm breeze. There’s hardly any traffic or people about. As we pass under the shadow from a large tree near my house he stops. I walk back to him. He looks at me in the shadows then his hand reaches up and brushes the hair away from my eyes. “I’m sorry” he says. “For what?” “For not saying goodbye. For being a shit…for everything.” I tell him it doesn’t matter anymore. “That was so long ago.” “Not so long.” he says. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Not ever. But you were so young and it was just crazy. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted you too much.”

I smiled at him. “Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that. That’s all. Bye.” He starts to walk away. I don’t know what to do. Words choke inside me and suddenly I have a panic attack. I’ve got to stop him. I rugby tackle him to the ground. I’ve got my arms wrapped around his legs. He shakes me off and starts screaming at me. “What the hell are you doing?!” He gets up and looks at me face down on the middle of the road. He picks me up and brushes me off. “I...uh…I…” I’m spluttering like an idiot. I look up at him. “Don’t go…away. Don’t go away. Don’t.” He smiles again. He straightens up my ruffle. “Alright” What would you like to do?” “I want…I want to see the bluebird.”

THE LIGHTS FADE



BLACKOUT



SCENE THREE

AN OUTSIDE CAFÉ. ADAM SITS AT A TABLE BY HIMSELF DRINKING A GLASS OF WATER. SEAN ALSO SITS AT A TABLE BY HIMSELF WITH HIS BACK TO ADAM. A PRISSY WAITER ENTERS WEARING A CLIP-ON PONY TAIL, LOOKS AT THEM THEN TURNS AND EXITS JUST AS ADAM IS ABOUT TO ORDER SOMETHING.

ADAM
Fuck it.

SEAN
Okay? So you got it clear? If I start coughing that's when you call my mobile. If I start coughing it means I want out and you gotta rescue me.

ADAM
I got it, I got it. I'm not one of your brain-dead goon-boy dates, you know. Jesus, I don't see why you need me in the first place. You can't just tell them? "Look, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. You're not my type. You're a gorgon bow-wow and it's never gonna work." Why do you always make things difficult for yourself. You’ve never even met the guy and already starting it off with a deception. You never know. This could be him. The perfect guy.

SEAN
Perfect guy? There ain’t no such animal and if there is then he’s not local. Besides, this isn’t really a deception. It’s creative management. This is only the third time I’ve answered one of those ads and fat lot of good it did me. The first two were absolute nut jobs. And the third? Well I'll be damned if I'm gonna end up getting stalked by some psycho again. One date and he was calling me five times a week, talking about moving in with me, meeting his mother and backpacking through Tasmania in Winter in thongs as a test of our commitment to each other. I’m sorry but love doesn’t mean sharing the hypothermia.

ADAM
I don't think I'm talking out my ass when I say that maybe they're not psycho till they've met you. It's the kind of guy you attract. And there's nothing wrong with that. As I have told you before, play to your market. It's much safer. You go for the psychos and I go for the agoraphobics.

SEAN
Has it occurred to you they might not actually be agoraphobic? Maybe they just don't want to be seen outside with you. Or they can't be seen in direct sunlight.

ADAM
You’re a scream. [THINKS] Oh don't be ridiculous. [BEAT] Well if you’re gonna meet someone new then make sure you don’t screw it up before you even begin. First thing, make sure you smile.

SEAN
Got it.

ADAM
Try not to talk about the weather. Queens don’t care about precipitation or droughts. They only care about dance parties and the latest Kylie video.

SEAN
Check.

ADAM
And third and most importantly…don’t try to be funny.

SEAN
But…

ADAM
I say this because I’m your friend…when it comes to jokes you’re about as funny as typhoid.

SEAN
I’m a great joke teller.

ADAM
You’re not. In fact I think I can safely say you are the worst joke teller in the world. Your timing is fucked, you always screw up the punch-line and even worse you tell them with silly voices which all sound like a steeple-chase jockey on crack…or your mother. Which is pretty much the same thing. And I know. I’ve met her.

SEAN
I’m not that bad.

ADAM
Why do gay guys think they have to be funny all the time? Some are but it takes a lot of skill and Ecstasy to carry it off. I’ve seen people wanting to plunge a dinner fork into their eyes after some of your clangers.

SEAN
You must really love me. Only a true friend would be so fucking honest. I should build you a statue.

ADAM
You should.

SEAN
So I can watch the pigeons crap on you from a great height.

ADAM
What the hell did you place in your ad, anyway?

SEAN
I don't remember.

ADAM
Sure you don't. You're the most anal-retentive person I know. You remember everything you've said and done since the third grade…and everything I’ve done as well.

SEAN
Don’t presume you’re that interesting. There’s a plethora of toilet walls in every beat of this city recalling your disgraceful deeds. I just said I was looking for someone who was honest, caring, decent- looking, handy around the house and [MUMBLING] someone with a dick bigger than three inches on the chub.

ADAM
What?

SEAN
Someone with a dick bigger than three inches on the chub.

ADAM
On the chub? There’s that Melbourne Grammar upbringing. Listen sweetheart. The only thing on the chub at the moment is your waistline.

SEAN
Well, I am tired of big men with small dicks. What do I look like? A charity?

ADAM
With those hips? A charity bin maybe. You know, you’re not exactly, how shall I say, over burdened in the gusset department yourself.

SEAN
I do okay.

ADAM
Yes but does anyone else?

SEAN
I accept I’m just average. But you expect better from your partner. Otherwise what’s the point? I’m not saying that everyone has to be hung like an elephant but there are limits. The last guy I had, well, let’s just say the sum of his parts was less than the sum of his parts.

ADAM
Wouldn’t be the blonde I saw you with two weeks ago? The big muscle boy?

SEAN
Yep and I know he was beautiful. You don’t have to tell me.

ADAM
I’ll say. He left a trail of dislocated necks on the Market dance floor. I watched him go to the loo and I can honestly tell you the bottleneck he created in the entrance to the toilet…well, it was definitely a fire hazard. I couldn’t see a fucking thing! How the hell did you get him?

SEAN
I’m pretty vague about it myself. I was so drunk, it was getting late and everyone was too scared to approach him. After seven bourbon and cokes I didn’t give a shit. I just walked up to him, said he had a nice shirt. He smiled, grabbed my hand, dragged me out of that dump and back to his place.

ADAM
Well, speaking as one of the droolers left floundering in his wake and after seeing him exit with you I can only say “Bastard!” to both of you.

SEAN
Yes, well, save your breath. Back at his place and a little more sober the reality was less than the headboard-banging rumpy-pumpy session I was hoping for. In the taxi and in my drunken stupor I asked him how big he was and he said eight. I had no idea he was talking metric! I mean, the guy had a great body and with his clothes off it was even more spectacular except that he was totally lacking in that one area that makes all other gay men’s short-comings bearable. I swear his dick didn’t reach across the palm of my hand. I know because I checked. My lifeline was longer!

ADAM
But you’re strictly a top. What do you care?

SEAN
The trouble is, so was he! And if ever there comes the day that I finally give up my no-no place cherry to someone then it’s gonna be with something bigger than that! I mean, you wanna be fucked. Not annoyed.

ADAM
No-no place? I couldn’t have put it more poetically.

SEAN
The most galling thing was after we did the very little we did, he said he didn’t want a relationship. Outrageous. He knocked me back. It just goes to show. Be careful what you wish for.

THE WAITER ENTERS AGAIN. ADAM TRIES TO ATTRACT HIS ATTENTION BUT FAILS. THE WAITER EXITS

ADAM
I swear she’s got cataracts under her contacts.

PHILLIP ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND


SEAN
Oops. Shit. Ssh. Here he is.

ADAM
You sure? How do you know it's him?

SEAN
I'm sure of it. He said he'd be wearing a white shirt, white trousers and white shoes.

ADAM LOOKS AT HIMSELF AND SEAN.

ADAM
Is he retarded?

SEAN
No more than half your exes. Now shut up. And remember...I cough, you ring.

ADAM
You cough on my ring. Got it.

PHILLIP IS STILL LOOKING AROUND. HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

SEAN
[LOUDLY] A-hem!

PHILLIP LOOKS AT HIM, DOES A DOUBLE TAKE THEN TAKES A REALLY GOOD LOOK A HIM.

PHILLIP
John?

SEAN
Tom?

ADAM
John? Who the fuck is John?

SEAN HITS ADAM

SEAN
Would you like to sit down?

PHILLIP
Thanks.

THE WAITER RUSHES IN, OGLES AND SPEAKS TO PHILLIP.

WAITER
Hi boys. What can I get you?

PHILLIP
Long black for me, thanks.

SEAN
Flat white, thanks.

WAITER
[OGLING PHILLIP] Coming right up.

HE IS ABOUT TO EXIT. ADAM HOLDS UP HIS EMPTY CUP.

ADAM
Ahem.

THE WAITER LOOKS AT HIM THEN EXITS

ADAM
She’s a twat and I want her dead.

PHILLIP LOOKS AROUND, A LITTLE PUZZLED

SEAN
Are you alright?

PHILLIP
Yes, it’s just that…

SEAN
What?

PHILLIP
uh...

SEAN
Mm?

PHILLIP
Well, you look nothing like your photo.

SEAN
Do I? Well, you know, the camera lies a little. It's all in the lighting.

PHILLIP PULLS OUT THE PHOTO AND LOOKS AT IT.

PHILLIP
I guess.

SEAN
You printed it out, huh?

PHILLIP
I didn't want to make a mistake.

SEAN
Can I see?

TAKES THE PHOTO

Yes, well, I guess the camera caught me on a good day.

ADAM SUBTLY LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO THE PHOTO.

ADAM
Yes, you and Mathew McConnaughey.

PHILLIP
You been waiting here long?

SEAN
Not really. Just came straight from the gym.

ADAM CHOKES ON HIS WATER

PHILLIP
Oh, that's right. You said you work out. What gym do you go to?

ADAM
[ASIDE] Rack and ruin.

THE WAITER RUSHES OUT WITH THE TWO COFFEES AND PLACES THEM IN FRONT OF SEAN AND PHILLIP. HE STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT STARING AT PHILLIP. THEY LOOK AT HIM.

WAITER
Oops.

HE RUSHES OUT AS ADAM YELLS OUT TO HIM

ADAM
Oy!!

SEAN
You were saying?

PHILLIP
Which gym do you go to?

SEAN
[THINKING QUICKLY] Er…Jimmy’s. You heard of it?

PHILLIP
No.

SEAN
Good…I mean it’s a good gym. Very small. Very private. Not very gay.

SEAN CROSSES HIS LEGS

ADAM
10 bucks says it has it has coin operated booths.

SEAN
You found this place easy enough?

PHILLIP
Not a problem. Though I very rarely come down here. I’m not the Commercial Road type.

SEAN
Me neither.

ADAM
Hah!

PHILLIP
From what I’ve seen so far all the guys here seem a little too comfortable with their sexuality.

SEAN
And it probably belongs to a woman.


ADAM
I’ll say.

PHILLIP
Far too girly.

SEAN UNCROSSES HIS LEGS

SEAN
[DEEP VOICE] You go out much?

PHILLIP
Not really. Sometimes the Laird. When I can be bothered going out at all.

SEAN
Yes, I sometimes go there as well.

SEAN DRINKS HIS COFFEE

PHILLIP
Funny. I’ve never seen you there.

ADAM
That’s because they have a no women policy.

SEAN CHOKES ON HIS COFFEE AND STARTS COUGHING.

ADAM
Oh.

HE GRABS HIS MOBILE AND STARTS TO DIAL. SEAN’S PHONE STARTS RINGING. HE IS STILL COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING. HE ANSWERS THE PHONE THEN HANGS UP

PHILLIP
Are you alright?

SEAN IS STILL COUGHING. ADAM RINGS HIM AGAIN. SEAN ANSWERS, LEANS AROUND TOWARDS ADAM

SEAN
[CHOKING] Fuck off.

ADAM
How rude.

SEAN
[TO PHILLIP] Yes, I’m fine. Sorry. I just got something caught in my throat.

ADAM
Stray pube, anyone?

PHILLIP
You said in your ad that you like to sunbake.

SEAN
Did I?

ADAM
Did he?

PHILLIP
Uh-huh. But you’re a bit white.

SEAN
Yes, I guess the weather’s been a bit crap.

PHILLIP
And I guess you’ve been a bit busy lately, what with patients and everything.

SEAN
Patients.

PHILLIP
How many have you got?

SEAN
I forget.

PHILLIP
You forget how many patients you have?

SEAN
I forget a lot of things.

ADAM
Like your name for a start.

PHILLIP
Right. Must be hard.

SEAN
What must be?

PHILLIP
Having to look in people’s mouth all day long for a living.

SEAN
Look in people’s mouths? That…must mean…I’m a dentist? That’s what I told you. I’m a dentist. Yes…well. It could be worse. I could be a proctologist [LAUGHS]

PHILLIP
A what?

SEAN
You know. Someone who looks up people’s butts for a living.

PHILLIP
I guess.

SEAN
I mean, what a pisser that would be. What if someone gorgeous walked through the door? Any chance of real romance would be shot right out the window, wouldn’t it? No surprises left when you look on the face of someone who’s just had their hand up your backside.

ADAM IS HORRIFIED BY WHAT HE IS HEARING

SEAN
Not that I wouldn’t date someone like that…if you’ll pardon the pun. It’s just that there are just some professionals that I couldn’t even remotely consider dating. Flight attendants, drag queens, sewerage workers. They’re right off my scale, I’m afraid. So what is it you do?

PHILLIP
Gravedigger.

SEAN
A gay gravedigger?

PHILLIP
Uh-huh.

SEAN
Well, the world’s an amazing place, ain’t it?

PHILLIP
I suppose. I’ve only been doing it for three months. Of course I don’t rush off to tell people it’s what I do for a living. They can get pretty funny about anything to do with death and you’d be amazed how fast it can put a damper on any sexual activity. Especially if I come over with dirt on my shoes.

SEAN
I can imagine.

PHILLIP
Of course it has its perks too.

SEAN
What? You get staff discount or something?

PHILLIP
No but I do get to be outside quite a bit and it’s nice weather at the moment. It’s not as gloomy as people think. I don’t have to stand behind the family with a shovel looking all solemn or anything. It’s all pretty mechanical. Earth movers and all that. Really pretty easy going.

SEAN
What were you doing before that?

PHILLIP
Oh, just a barman for about 2 years but I was sick of being nice to people all night. I mean, I don’t want to hear people’s life stories. People are ready to blurt out anything. Especially when they’re drunk. I like people who are honest and down to earth.

ADAM
As opposed to people who are lying in it?

PHILLIP
That’s what I put in my ad, remember?

SEAN
Did you get many responses?

PHILLIP
Just you.

SEAN
Really? Suddenly I don’t feel so special.

PHILLIP
I gotta tell you. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’ve never placed an ad before. It’s just that I’ve never had much luck picking up men in a bar or anything like that. And no one seems very interested in me.

SEAN
I don’t see why not.

PHILLIP
Nice of you to say. But, well to tell you the truth the only reason I’m here is because I’m horny as a goat and if I don’t get laid pretty soon I’m gonna stick a fork in the toaster!

THEY ARE SHOCKED

SEAN
So why didn’t you just go to a sex club or a beat or something?

PHILLIP
I need to know the person before I can have sex with them. I’m not a one-night-stand type of person. And like I said, you were the only reply. So [GETTING UP] …shall we go?

SEAN
Go?

PHILLIP
Uh-huh.

SEAN
Go where?

PHILLIP
Back to my place.

SEAN
But we’ve only just met. I thought you needed to get to know the person.

PHILLIP
I know all I need to know. I like you. You seem honest. You’re not as cute as your photo but I guess few of us are.

SEAN
And you want to have sex with me?

PHILLIP
If it’s not too much trouble.

SEAN
[GETTING UP] No, not at all. But how do you know if we’re compatible? We haven’t even talked about what we do in bed or anything.

PHILLIP
Do you suck cock?

SEAN
Yes but…

PHILLIP
So do I. Lets go.

SEAN
But aren’t you after something a little more permanent than a one night stand?

PHILLIP
I didn’t say anything about a one night stand.

SEAN
Then what are we talking about?

PHILLIP
I like you. Do you like me?

SEAN
Sure, why not?

PHILLIP
Then that’s okay. We’ll have sex together and we’ll talk some more and then we’ll have some more sex and you can tell me about your life and I’ll tell you about mine and then we’ll have dinner and then maybe some more sex. Is that okay?

SEAN
Boy, you don’t muck around, do you?

PHILLIP
That’s my point. And that’s also my problem. [SLUMPS BACK IN HIS CHAIR] Maybe if I did then I wouldn’t be going to bed with the first person I’ve laid eyes on in 2 years.

SEAN
Two years. I thought you said 3 months.

PHILLIP
I‘ve been a gravedigger for three months but it’s been two years since I’ve had sex with another man.

SEAN
Man? Oh please dear God tell me you’re not bisexual.

PHILLIP
I’m not bisexual.

SEAN
Why not?

PHILLIP
Why aren’t I bisexual?

SEAN
No, why haven’t you had sex in two years?

PHILLIP
I’ve already told you. You haven’t been listening. I need to get to know someone.

SEAN
But we’ve only just met. We’ve talked once in a letter, ten minutes on the phone. This is the first time we’ve met face to face. That’s hardly a lengthy wooing process.

PHILLIP
I like you. I know a little about you and…

SEAN
Such as?

PHILLIP
Well, from your reply letter I know you like scrambled eggs, hate the Liberal party, go swimming once a week. From meeting you in person you seem nice and honest. The rest I can pick up along the way

SEAN
Okay. Look. You seem very nice so I’m gonna level with you.

PHILLIP
Level with me?

SEAN
Some of the things I’ve told you over the phone, well, they might not all be entirely accurate, truth-wise.

PHILLIP
Such as?

SEAN
Well, I’m not really a dentist.

PHILLIP
No?

SEAN
Nope. I just didn’t want you to think I was a boring accountant or anything.

PHILLIP
What are you then?

SEAN
A boring accountant.

PHILLIP
That’s okay. It doesn’t bother me that much. I guess you’re entitled to make some things up. You don’t really know me. We’re all allowed our little white lies from time to time. I’ve even been known to embellish the truth occasionally.

SEAN
10 inch cock?

PHILLIP
Seven and a half. Natural brown hair?

SEAN
Bottle job. Toorak?

PHILLIP
Road, Burwood.

SEAN
Ugh.

PHILLIP
And I’ve seen you before, you know.

SEAN
What?

PHILLIP
Yep. Last year at Carnival. I saw you getting hammered in the bar area. I stood in front of you for about half an hour hoping you’d sober up a bit so I could talk to you but I had to go. When you replied to my ad I had no idea it was you. Not until I got here. But believe it or not that hasn’t put me off. I still like you. You try a little too hard but that’s to be expected. We all do from time to time.

SEAN
Oh.

HE SIGHS

PHILLIP
You seem a little disappointed.

SEAN
Do I? Not really. Maybe it’s just the sigh of resignation. I play the scene out in my head and I’m in control but the live show still leaves me wanting. Perhaps it might also be a good time to tell you my name’s not Tom.

PHILLIP
No?

SEAN
It’s John.

ADAM COUGHS

Scott.

ADAM COUGHS AGAIN

Sean. It’s Sean. Sorry.

PHILLIP SHAKES SEAN’S HAND.

PHILLIP
Nice to meet you, Sean. My name’s Phillip.

SEAN
Nice to meet you, Phillip. Phillip?

PHILLIP
Yes, Sean?

SEAN GETS UP

SEAN
Would you like to take me back to your place for some possibly bland and, some might even say, fairly predictable sex and maybe a spot of dinner for afters?

PHILLIP
Is that what you want?

SEAN
I suppose.

PHILLIP
Sounds nice.

PHILLIP PUTS SOME MONEY ON THE TABLE. THEY START TO LEAVE

SEAN
So you’re not really a gravedigger? Thank Christ for that. ‘Cause I gotta tell you…

PHILLIP
Oh, no. I’m a gravedigger alright. But if it makes it easier for you then you can tell people I dig holes for the council.

SEAN
Ugh.

THEY EXIT. ADAM SITS THERE FOR A FEW MOMENTS. THE WAITER RUSHES IN AND LOOKS OFF. HE MOVES BACKWARDS AND SITS IN THE CHAIR OPPOSITE ADAM. HE LOOKS FORLORN.

ADAM
Can I get you anything?

WAITER
No thanks. Just a coffee.

HE LOOKS UP AT ADAM THEN SMILES. ADAM SMILES BACK

ADAM
First we need to lose the ponytail. You look like an idiot. Then I’ll think about letting you buy me a drink.

FADE TO BLACK



SCENE FOUR

MUZAK IS PLAYING THROUGHOUT, THOUGH VERY FAINTLY. THE GIRL FOR IPANEMA, ETC. TWO MEN ARE HAVING AN ARGUMENT UPSTAGE. IT IS THE MIDDLE OF A BREAK UP. MAN 1 ENTERS AND CRASHES INTO THEM. HE APOLOGISES THEN RUSHES DOWNSTAGE CARRYING A CHAIR. HE MIMES ENTERING A TOILET CUBICLE, CLOSES THE DOOR, PULLS DOWN SOME TOILET PAPER TO WIPE THE SEAT, DROPS IT INTO THE BOWL, PRESSES THE FLUSH BUTTON, TURNS TO FACE THE AUDIENCE, DROPS HIS PANTS AND SITS DOWN. THERE IS A BUZZING FROM A FLY. HE LOOKS AROUND TO SEE WHERE IT IS. IT STOPS BUZZING. HE LOOKS THROUGH AN IMAGINARY GLORY HOLE. HE LOOKS AROUND. HE SQUINTS AS HE TRIES TO READ SOME OF THE GRAFFITI ON THE WALLS. HE TAKES OUT AN IMAGINARY PAIR OF GLASSES. HE LOOKS AT SOME OF THE WRITING AND IS AMUSED. HE LOOKS AT OTHERS AND IS HORRIFIED. HE READS ONE, TAKES OUT A TIPPEX BOTTLE AND CORRECTS SOMETHING WHILE SHAKING HIS HEAD. HE PUTS THE TIPPEX AWAY NOT BEFORE HAVING A QUICK SNIFF. HE TAKES OUT HIS PEN AND CORRECTS THE SPELLING. HE LOOKS AT ANOTHER ONE, LOOKS AT HIS OWN CROTCH, SIGHS AND WAITS. HE HEARS THE BUZZING OF THE FLY AGAIN. IT STOPS. HE BECOMES INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED.

HE TAKES OUT A CROSSWORD BOOK AND PEN AND STARTS FILLING IT IN BUT STRUGGLES UNDER THE LIGHT. THE FLY BUZZES AGAIN. HE STOPS DOING THE CROSSWORD, SEES THE FLY, ROLLS HIS CROSSWORD UP AND LUNGES AT THE WALL. THE FLY BUZZES AWAY TO THE OTHER SIDE. HE TRIES TO HIT IT AGAIN. IT BUZZES AWAY. HE SPOTS IT AGAIN OVER THE BOWL. HE STARTS WHACKING AT IT AND FUMBLES SO MUCH, HE KNOCKS HIS GLASSES INTO THE BOWL AND HITS THE FLUSH

MAN 1
[MOUTHING] Shit.

HE SITS BACK DOWN AGAIN, VERY DEPRESSED. HE HOLDS THE CROSSWORD UP REAL CLOSE STRAINING TO READ THE CLUES AND FILL IT IN. THE TWO MEN UPSTAGE ARE GETTING INTO A VERY HEATED ARGUMENT. ONE TOUCHES THE ARM OF THE OTHER, HE SHAKES IT OFF AND THE OTHER MAN EXITS. MAN 2 WALKS INTO THE NEXT CUBICLE AND SITS DOWN SOBBING LOUDLY. MAN 1 STOPS AND LISTENS. HE LEANS FORWARD TO HAVE A LOOK THROUGH THE GLORY HOLE THEN LEANS BACK A LITTLE. HE LEANS IN AGAIN TO HAVE A BETTER LOOK STILL TRYING TO FOCUS. MAN 2 TAKES OUT A HANKIE AND WIPES THE TEARS AWAY. HE DRAPES THE HANKY OVER HIS FACE, STILL SOBBING. THE OTHER MAN LEANS IN AGAIN AND MAKES A SMALL SOUND THROUGH THE GLORY HOLE.

MAN 1
[SOFTLY] Ooooh.

NO RESPONSE. HE TRIES AGAIN.

MAN 1
Ooooh.

MAN 2 LOOKS UP WITH THE HANKY STILL OVER HIS FACE. HE SLOWLY PEELS THE HANKY AWAY AND LOOKS AROUND TO SEE WHERE THE NOISE IS COMING FROM. MAN 1 STICKS HIS FINGER THROUGH A HOLE. MAN 2 JUMPS BACK. MAN 1 BECKONS WITH HIS FINGER THEN REMOVES HIS HAND. THEY BOTH LEAN INTO TOWARDS THE HOLE, SEE EACH OTHER THEN JUMP BACK.

MAN 1 STANDS UP AND STICKS HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS AND POKES HIS FINGER THROUGH THE ZIPPER TO REPRESENT HIS PENIS. MAN 2 JUMPS BACK AGAIN. MAN 1 STARTS BUCKING HIS HIPS FORWARD, STOPS THEN CROUCHES DOWN ON HIS KNEES. MAN 1 LOOKS OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS EX LOVER. HE LOOKS AT THE GLORY HOLE THEN STANDS UP, UNZIPS HIS TROUSERS AND THROWS HIS CLENCHED FIST THROUGH THE HOLE TO REPRESENT A VERY LARGE PENIS. MAN 1 GETS HIT RIGHT ON THE NOSE. HE SNIFFS AROUND THE FIST THEN TAKES TENTATIVE LICKS. HE LIKES THE TASTE THEN OPENS HIS MOUTH WIDE AND STARTS TO GO TO WORK ON THE FIST. MAN 2 IS STARTING TO GET REALLY EXCITED. HE IS GROANING. THE FLY STARTS BUZZING AROUND MAN 1 AGAIN WHILE HE IS TRYING TO GIVE HEAD. HE STARTS SWATTING AT THE FLY BUZZING AROUND HIM AS WELL. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS HE TAKES HIS MOUTH OFF THE FIST AND STARTS JERKING IT WHILE STILL TRYING TO GET THE FLY. JUST AS HE HITS IT MAN 2 LETS OUT A GROAN AND HIS HAND OPENS TO REPRESENT HIM CUMMING ALL OVER THE SIDE OF MAN 1’S FACE. THEY ARE BOTH SHOCKED. MAN 2 STARTS TO ZIP UP HIS TROUSERS. MAN 1 IS STILL STUNNED BY WHAT HAS HAPPENED. AT THIS POINT MAN 3 RETURNS AS MAN 2 COMES OUT OF THE CUBICLE. MAN 3 BURSTS INTO TEARS AND THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND MAN 2, BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS. MAN 2 LOOKS BACK AT THE CUBICLE, SMILES, THEY EMBRACE THEN BOTH EXIT.

MAN 1 SITS THERE SLOWLY WIPING THE CUM OFF THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD AND OUT OF HIS EYE. HE TAKES OUT HIS CROSSWORD AGAIN. THE FLY STARTS BUZZING AGAIN. HE LOOKS UP VERY ANGRY AS THE LIGHTS FADE

BLACKOUT



SCENE FIVE

TWO SWIMMERS ON BLOCKS, BOTH WEARING SPEEDOS, CAPS AND SWIMMING GOGGLES. THEY GO THROUGH CHOREOGRAPHED MOVEMENT TO A SOUNDTRACK OF BREATHING. THEY SIT ON THE BLOCKS THE LIGHT COMES UP ON THE SWIMMER.

SEAN
I love the pool. It's a longer drive coming out here but it's worth it. Here I can concentrate. No-one cruising like those inner city baths where swimming is the last thing on anyone's mind. No prissy nannas checking out the next pretty young thing. No thinking "Oh, those speedos are the wrong colour. What was she thinking?" You're not gonna find many gay guys out here...or anything else for that matter. And I love that. I can come here and no one cares what I look like, what I do for a living, how much I don't earn. No work to think about. No arseholes screaming down the phone wondering where their order is and me being so nice like I give a shit. Why are people such gutless cunts on the phone? Age doesn't weary them. No. It just turns them into bitter brain-dead arseholes. "I don't know where your fucking order is! What is it in the sound of my voice that tells you I'm interested? Why do you just fuck off and die, you geriatric banjo-plucking, tractor- humping, brother-lover!" [PAUSE] I guess I'm not customer focussed.

[BEAT] Jesus he's got big feet. How is it he doesn't trip over them? I noticed him about 4 weeks ago. I've seen his picture in the magazines. Don't know why he trains here. Probably there's no-one to bother him either. I mean you wouldn't expect to see him at this dump. I’m just finishing my twenty laps and as I'm climbing out of the pool I see him standing at the blocks. I should've grabbed a snorkel and dropped to the bottom of the pool to see if that dick of his turns into a rudder or something.

But I wasn't in the right frame of mind that night, I guess. For the first time in a long time I wasn't thinking about the sex. I was just trawling through the water thinking about the arsehole that stood me up the night before. I mean, how rude is that? You make a date with someone and the bastard doesn't even turn up. No phone call, no nothing. Here I am cruising this guy for weeks on line, watching everything he does, the kind of language he uses, hovering in the background like some deranged vulture [but a little prettier], how he talks to others, what he likes, if he's funny, watching to make sure he doesn't go off every 5 minutes into some private chat room. Eventually he notices me lurking in the background not saying anything and he has a little playful dig at my expense. I don't mind. We talk a little without getting carried away before he asks me into a private chat room. I feel very privileged. After some preliminary dirty talk he tells me he loves the sound of me. Loves the sound of my cock. My cock and his together. Not that I'm cock driven. I'm looking for something deeper. Much deeper. And balls. Big, shaved hanging ones. I came twice that first session. And it ain't no mean feat typing at that speed with just one hand. We arrange to meet the next day. I get all worked up on what I should wear, what to say, making sure everything is exactly as I’d want it and the fucker is a no show. Typical. As soon as the scenario gets complicated and they have to commit to putting themselves out they run like rabbits. Fuck I hate gay men. [THINKS] Wonder if I'm a homophobe.

[BEAT] So I’m not in the best frame of mind. A few laps at the pool are just what I need and at this time of day there ain't gonna be anyone around to distract me. There's the old perv of about 60 who's harmless. It's always the same. The minute I enter the change room he tailgates me to the showers and stands right next to me even though there are 10 other showers spare. I feel his eyes looking me over. Occasionally I turn and catch him out and he always looks embarrassed then looks away. I don't mind. He's not so bad. Must've have been a real looker in his time because he's still got traces of a very handsome man. Don't think he's retired 'cause I've seen him in the car park and he drives a very nice expensive Saab. Not some red penis extension convertible. But tonight he seems a little distracted.

The only others at the pool this time of night are the Thornbury lesbians. Must have got a babysitter tonight. Thank fuck. The thought of their two vile sproglets trampling across my towel would have sent me into a frenzy. They would've been pulling Donald’s Dink Dippers s out of their vile arses for a week! God I hate lesbian parents. Almost as much as gay guys having the damn things with lesbians in the first place. I mean, if you're gay you don't have children. It's in the rules, I'm sure, and if it isn't then it damn well should be! You're a gay man! You suck dick! You don't throw a bucket of spooge and a turkey baster at a couple of muff munchers and say "Lets play happy families." If God had wanted us to have kids he wouldn't have given us a weak gag reflex and the disposition to swallow on the first date!

But I digress. Tonight Golden boy is here again. He's ploughing up and down that lane like a bronzed torpedo. Hey...catchy title. I've already done my laps but the thought of sharing a pool with dreamboat is turning my guts over. I want to just wade in and tell him I'll do him right there and then. God, I must be horny. Swimmers bodies don't normally turn me on. It's all just...blah. Functional. But I suppose fame can make even the ugliest guys attractive. Well, almost. You wouldn't get me near a certain Channel Nine media mogul's son...unless he had his cheque book in hand.

I'm standing by the pool watching him. I've dried myself so much I'm starting to rub myself red raw. I notice the lesbians splashing about at the end of the pool. They've probably just come straight from their percussion group rehearsal or they're out to reclaim the night...at a Coles car park. They're always touchy, touchy. They've been together for years. That’s nice, I suppose. I can't see the old guy. Pretty unusual for him to leave before I've hit the showers.

THE LIGHT COMES UP ON THE OTHER SWIMMER

SWIMMER
Hi.

SEAN
I almost had a heart attack. He's back on the block right next to me.

SWIMMER
Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

SEAN You didn't. I'm always this white and shaky

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY THEN MANIACALLY. THE OTHER SWIMMER LOOKS A LITTLE WORRIED FOR A MOMENT.

Sorry.

SWIMMER
Are you okay?

SEAN
Sure. I'm just a little tired.

SWIMMER
I've seen you before, you know.

SEAN
Probably on the telly. It's not true. I never laid a finger on those fucking kids. [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

SWIMMER
Kids?

SEAN
It's a joke...I make jokes. [SPEAKING FAST] Usually when I'm nervous. It's a defence mechanism thing, I guess. Just like some people talk a lot when they get nervous. I make jokes. Course I talk a lot too so that's a double whammy. You think I'm talking now. Boy, you should hear me when I get drun...

SWIMMER
Are you drunk? You know you really shouldn't drink before you swim. It's bad for the metabolism, not to mention dangerous.

SEAN
I never drink before a swim. I used to drink "during" but the olives kept falling out of my martini glass. [TO THE AUDIENCE] Why can't I shut up? What the hell's wrong with me?

SWIMMER
Oh. You're making a joke.

SEAN
That old defence mechanism again. [TO HIM] You said you've seen me before?

SWIMMER
Oh, just here. You must like coming here late like I do. I hate the crowds at other places and people are always wanting to talk to me.

SEAN
Must be nice to be popular.

SWIMMER
It's good in some ways. Usually I prefer being by myself.

SEAN
[TO AUDIENCE] I look around to see if anyone is still here. The Lesbians have beached themselves up by the kiosk long since shut and the old guy is nowhere to be seen. We might as well be alone.

SWIMMER
I like coming here. I don't feel like I'm on show as much. I train in town. Here I can just have a swim without having to think about everything that goes with it.

SEAN
We're alone.

SWIMMER
Yeah, I noticed that too.

SEAN
All alone.

SWIMMER
Uh-huh. You seem a little worried.

SEAN
Do I?

SWIMMER
You don't have to worry. I'm not going to rape you or anything.

SEAN
No?

SWIMMER
Not if you don't want me to.

SEAN
Oh, right. [MOUTHS TO AUDIENCE] Holy fuck! This guy is coming on to me.

SWIMMER
You want me to come on you?

SEAN
I'm talking to them. Try not to interrupt my inner monologue.

SWIMMER
No problem.

SEAN
I'm not sure what I should do. He's a big famous person. I'm pond scum. I'm less than pond scum. I'm the stuff pond scum scrapes out of its toenails. Is he trying to crack on to me? I can't tell. Going by my track record of late I think my sense of perception is left somewhat wanting. I think he wants to have sex with me but how can I be sure?

SWIMMER
I want to have sex with you.

SEAN
That could mean anything.

SWIMMER
Lets go somewhere safer.

SEAN
I'm still getting some mixed signals.

SWIMMER
You look great in those speedos and I want to suck you off.

SEAN
Things are getting a little clearer.

SWIMMER
Come on.

THE LIGHT FADES ON THE SWIMMER

SEAN
He asks me to wait a few minutes before following him into the change rooms. He walks in casually. 3 minutes 42 seconds later I spring into the change room like a coke-sniffing gazelle. He's already standing under the shower with his back to me.

A LIGHT COMES UP ON THE SWIMMER UPSTAGE WITH WATER SPRINKLING DOWN ON HIM UNDER A GOLDEN LIGHT. HE MOVES IN SLOW MOTION WASHING HIMSELF AND SOMETIMES LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER.

SEAN
The guy is gorgeous. [LOOKS AT THE SWIMMER AND THE AUDIENCE. YELLS AT AUDIENCE] Hey! Back to me if you don't mind. Honestly. And who would've thought those speedos hid so much. I stand there watching him for a few moments as he strokes it into something resembling a large angry Lebanese cucumber during one hell of a good summer harvest. It’s got a slight bend in it so I’ll bet it takes a large amount of effort to stop swimming in circles. He gives a little nod. I wander over like I'm in a dream. The jets of hot water are steaming up the place rather nicely so it’s a real gorillas in the mist scenario and we can easily hide anything untoward in this fog bank. I stand at the shower spot next to him. He leans over and turns on my nozzle. In the meantime his nozzle is rubbing up against my thigh and he languidly drags it across my leg. He then looks down at my ever-rising appreciation, checks to see if the coast is clear then sinks slowly to his knees. He swallows me right down to the birthmark on my thigh. I swear this guy could go professional. My mind is swimming with thoughts. Especially the thought that a swimmer is swimming laps over my balls. He sucks one in the then other. He licks up and down the shaft. I love it. It’s wonderful. Oh yeah. Do it. Do it you big swimmer boy. You’re so hot. Oh yeah. So hot. Ah. Yes. Ah. So hot…Ah. So hot. Fuck it’s hot. I’m burning up. Ow…it’s so hot. Fuck! I’ve bumped the hot water nozzle. Jesus. Ah that’s better. Mm.

Oh yeah. He’s groaning. I’m groaning. There’s groaning all over the place. But not just from us. I look out into the steam. There’s someone else in here with us. Bloody hell. I’m trying to concentrate but things are starting to deflate if you know what I mean. I know I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life but I stop the head bobbing up and down on me and move out of the mist. I can’t see anything. Must’ve been imagining it. I’m about to go back but out of the corner of my eye I see him. It’s the old guy. I’m about to yell at him to fuck off when I notice he’s not groaning with lust. He sounds like a wounded animal. I move towards him, grabbing my speedos off the floor to cover up and leave lover boy to the fog.

He looks up at me. There’s so much pain in his face. He’s all white and pasty. I talk to him but I’m hearing everything in echo. “Are you okay?” He starts to slump sideways. Jesus. I quickly grab him, put my hand under his neck and lay him down on the tiles. I yell out for help. Swimmer boy comes up behind me, takes one look then rushes out. I yell out for him to call an ambulance. The old guy grabs my arm. “What do you want me to do?” I’m panicking. He’s trying to say something but it’s all garbled and weak. “Talk to me. Tell me what you want.” I yell out again. “Help! Don’t worry. Someone will be here soon. Just hang on.”

One of the lesbians rushes in. She tells me she use to be a nurse. She calls out “Leanne” and her friend comes in. Leanne rushes off to call an ambulance. I’m still crouched on the floor next to him with his head in my lap. She tells me to help turn him over on to his side. He’s still looking at me. Frightened. I hold his hand and he squeezes it weakly. Tears are slowly falling down his cheek. I wipe them away. “Everything’s going to be alright.” I smile. “Everything’s going to be okay. I’m here with you. Don’t worry. Someone will be here soon. You’ll be okay.”

The lesbian looks at me. She seems nice. She leans in to me. I thought she was going to kiss me. “He’s had a stroke, sweetie. A massive one. Talk to him. Let him hear your voice. Say something nice to him.” Nice? What the hell do I talk about? I’ve never spoken a word to him before. We’ve just seen each other. “You seem nice. I notice you always perving on me. Thank you.” Talk to him. Say something, you idiot. “I’m sorry you’re feeling unwell. Maybe when you get better we can go for a drink. Maybe. When you get better.”

Drool starts coming out of the side of his mouth. I wipe it away. “You’ll be okay. You’ll see. Someone’s on their way. Do you have any family you want me to call? I’ve got my mobile around here somewhere.” He nods no. “That’s okay. We’ll just wait here for a few moments.” He’s trying to say something. I can just barely make it out. “Don’t be sad. It’s lovely.” I don’t realise that I’m crying until I see my tears fall onto his cheek. Why am I crying? I don’t even know this guy. I barely acknowledge him. I’m always caught up with all my own problems. And now I’m wiping my tears off his cheek. I don’t know what to do. I lean in closer and gently kiss him on the mouth. He has the sweetest breath. Soft lips. I look at him. He tries to squeeze my hand. He’s so gentle. A gentle soul. “Maybe we could go for a spin in that nice car of yours. I’ve always liked Saabs.” He smiles again and we just sit there on the cold tiles and wait for the ambulance. Five minutes later the lesbian turns to me. “You want to say goodbye to him, honey?” I don’t want to. I look down at his face. He is asleep now. Gone. Gone. “Where have you gone?” I hear the ambulance in the distance.

LIGHTS FADE

END ACT ONE

Act Two

SCENE ONE

DONNA IS GREETING PEOPLE AS THEY COME BACK FROM INTERVAL. SHE ADDRESSES THEM LIKE THEY ARE CO-WORKERS IN A CALL CENTRE. AS THE LIGHTS FADE DOWN ON THE AUDIENCE…

DONNA
Of course I was upset. But you can’t let these things get to you, can you? I was miserable. He was miserable. It was Les Miserable all over the fucking place. But what can you do? I couldn’t go on with the deception and he was having a hard time trying to come up with excuses for where he’d been. Late night pottery classes? I don’t fucking think so. In the end I said to him “Joel we have to talk. I know there’s something going on that you’re not telling me. You better tell me now or one of us is going to be putting a pillow in the oven and making ourselves nice and comfortable. Know what I mean?” He didn’t. Yes I know. Not the brightest bunny in the warren. So we sit down on the couch. No, not that one. That’s being re-covered at the moment. Cat crapped on it. Well, he was shaking like a Centrelink client handing in his job diary. Lots of tripping over words. Blubbering like a Green Party politician. Finally I had to smack him. Now you know I’m not a violent person. [PAUSE] What? Well, it was her fault for not flushing. Irritable bowel syndrome, my arse. That’s just lazy. Anyway, back to Bluto. After he stopped shaking he came right out with it. “I like sleeping with men.” Now, I wasn’t sure I’d heard right. Min? Min? Who the fuck is Min?!! I thought it was some sort of abbreviation for some slag in Broadmeadows. Kinda like Mindy or Meningococcal or some such thing. The he said it again. “No, no. I said men” Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather. I swear on my dead dog Darryl’s grave I thought the world had stopped. Everything went into railway station announcer echo. I felt like the ground was rising up and going to swallow me whole. I thought…No, not my hole, swallow me whole. Honestly, Tracy, you’re disgusting sometimes. I…hang on, got a call….

SHE STARTS TYPING

National Relay Service. Number you require, plea-ayse. 9308 8555. [TO TRACY] Footscray. Fucking shocking area. Your name plea-ayse. Go ahead [TYPES] And the name of the party you wish to contact? Go ahead. [TYPES] One moment please. [SHE DIALS A NUMBER] Big Hummer Adult Sex Shop? [LOOKS AT TRACY AND GIVES A DIRTY LOOK] Yes, this is Donna Saunders from the National Relay Service. I have a Mr Fung Mai Nguyen who is hearing impaired and has asked me to place a call for him. Would you mind holding while I translate? Thank you. Hold plea-ayse. [TYPES] Mr Nguyen, what is your message plea-ayse? Go ahead. [TYPES] Big Hummer, Mr Nguyen wants to know if you have the Arab Stallion real-life Do Me Do Me Doll and does it come with a car charger? You do? And it does. $89.95. Extra mouth attachments…$5 extra. Hold plea-ayse. [TYPES] Mr Nguyen, they do and it does. $89.95 plus five bucks each for the other suck bits. Go ahead. [TYPES] Big Hummer? Mr Nguyen wants to know if you do lay-buy? [TYPES] Yes they take lay-buy. Go ahead. [READS] Will be in tonight around 11pm. Thank you. Goodbye. Thank you Big Hummer…and keep up the good work. [SHE DISCONNECTS]

It takes all kinds, don’t it, Tracey? I am definitely looking forward to my annual leave next week. I…[SHE GETS A CALL] Why am I getting all the calls? Tracey, take yourself off aux break. you bitch. National Relay service. Number you require, plea-ayse. Go ahead.

LIGHTS COME UP TOM 1. DONNA TYPES AND SPEAKS ALL THE DIALOGUE. TOM 1 TYPES ALL HIS DIALOGUE

95332033. Your name please. Tom? And the person you wish to converse with? Tom. Hold please.

SHE DIALS. A LIGHT COMES UP ON TOM 2

Yes, this is Donna Saunders from the National Relay Service. I have a Tom on the line wishing to speak to Tom.

HE LOOKS PUZZLED HE TYPES “HELLO?”

Hello?

SHE LOOKS AT HER SWITCHBOARD.

Oh Jesus. The Interlink must be down. It’s another wa-wa. He's deaf too. I’m gonna have to translate [SCREAMING OFF] I want penalties!

SHE QUICKLY TYPES

Yes, this is Donna Saunders from the Interpreter service. I have a Tom on the line wishing to speak to Tom. Speaking. Go ahead. I got your number off the pink notice board. You sound hot. Go ahead.

THE MEN TYPE ALL THEIR DIALOGUE

TOM 2
Thanks. Tell me about yourself. What do you look like? Go ahead.

TOM 1
I'm 25, six foot two, 73 kilos. Dark hair, olive skin. [Mm-mm] Work in IT. Web design. Live in

Melbourne as well. Go ahead.

TOM 2
Tell me about your cock. What's it like? Go ahead.

DONNA LOOKS AT TRACEY.

[Hubba hubba]

TOM 1
Eight and a half inches long. 5 inches girth. Cut. Big head and wider at the end. Go ahead.

TOM 2
Sounds yummy. [God, that’s gonna leave stretch marks] What are your halls like? Go ahead.

TOM 1
Halls? Go ahead.

DONNA
Shit...Sorry. Typo. I meant balls. Go ahead.

TOM 1
Good plum size. I shave them and they hang a bit. Go ahead.

TOM 2
Sounds really hot. So where are you now?

TOM 1
I'm in my bedroom.

TOM 2
You wanna play?

TOM 1
What have you got in mind?

TOM 2
Talk to me.

TOM 1
Okay. What are you wearing?

TOM 2
Just my boxers.

TOM 1
What colour?

TOM 2
Black.

TOM 1
Yes? Are you sitting down?

TOM 2
Yes. Makes a nice package.

TOM 1
I'll bet.

TOM 2
Start rubbing yourself.

TOM 1
I've already started.

TOM 2
Are you getting hard?

TOM 1
You bet. You?

TOM 2
Sure am. Blue steel boner. Cat couldn't scratch it.

TOM 1
I'd love to be there with you.

TOM 2
Wish you were.

TOM 1
I'm right next to you

TOM 2
Great.

TOM 1
We're both laying on the bed together. With just our undies on. My hand is running down your stomach to your waistband

DONNA IS STARTING TO GET EXCITED. THE BOYS ARE STARTING TO BREATHE HEAVILY

TOM 2
Good

TOM 1
I sneak one finger underneath the waistband and feel your hair. It's soft.

TOM 2
Yes.

TOM 1
I lift up the waistband and the head of your cock is aiming straight up your belly.

TOM 2
Oh yeah. I lean over your chest and lick at your nipple. Really softly. Just the barest touch. I breathe on them.

TOM 1
They're rock hard.

TOM 2
I'll bet they are. I start to lick down your chest.

TOM 1
Good

TOM 2
Down to your stomach. I blow warm air on your belly button.

TOM 1
I've got my hand in your hair. I love you licking me.

TOM 2
You're nice and salty. I move down to your pubes and your cock is nudging against my chin. It’s a big cock and I can’t wait to get it in my mouth.

TOM 1
Oh yes

TOM 2
I suck your big cock into my mouth and take it right down my throat. My face is buried in your pubes and up against my nose.

THE MEN STOP TYPING AND START TO SIGN EVERYTHING. DONNA IS STILL TYPING FURIOUSLY. AS THE SCENE PROGRESSES THEY ALL START TO GET VERY EXCITED

TOM 1
Yes

TOM 2
Are you pulling yourself?

TOM 1
Yes?

TOM 2
Pull harder.

TOM 1
I’m doing it.

TOM 2
My mouth is on your cock

TOM 1
Yes

TOM 2
Sliding up and down.

TOM 1
Oh yes.

TOM 2
Sucking harder.

TOM 1
Let me suck you.

TOM 2
Yes

TOM 1
Throbbing in my mouth

TOM 2
Yes

TOM 1
Sucking

TOM 2
Yes

TOM 1
Sucking it all

TOM 2
Yes

TOM 1
Sucking it all

TOM 2
Gonna come

TOM 1
Sucking it down

TOM 2
Gonna shoot

TOM 1
Gonna drink it.

TOM 2
Yes, I’m coming

TOM 1
Yes

TOM 2
I’m coming

TOM 1
Come in my mouth, down my throat

TOM 2
Swallow it

THEY ALL CLIMAX. DONNA AND TOM 1 POUND THE “M” KEY

TOM 1
Mmmmmmm.

TOM 2
Swallow it all

TOM 1
Mmmmmmm.

TOM 2
That was nice.

TOM 1
Mmmmmmmm.

TOM 2
Sticky.

TOM 1
Yes.

TOM 2
Wanna do it again?

TOM 1
Same time next week?

TOM 2
Bye.

TOM 1
Bye.

THE LIGHTS FADE ON THE TWO BOYS. DONNA LOOKS EXHAUSTED. SHE LOOKS UP

DONNA
Tracey, I’m thinking maybe I won’t take next week off. In the meantime I’m gonna take a break. I think I need a cigarette.


THE LIGHTS FADE

BLACKOUT








SCENE TWO

ROBERT STANDS CENTRE STAGE

ROBERT
Simple. That's what I wanted. Easy, calm, simple. I’m walking through the park when I stumble onto the tail end of one of those horrible gay "picnic in the swamp" type do’s, where most of the queens are only out to catch a glimpse of something gorgeous that’s been hidden away all those long winter months. It's the gay hibernation thing. Can’t leave the house until the Celsius reaches 25. With bears it's the reverse of course. You can only pong in flannelette so long before the health department are on to you. Back to the park. My God, there are a lot of lesbians. On normal days this place is a beat. Where are the queens? Why aren't there any queens? Someone should lodge a complaint.

I was remembering the first time I came here. About 8 years ago. I’d just broken up with Colin. We’d been together 5 years. Well, I thought it was 5 years. If you add up all the time he was actually faithful to me then it was probably more like 3 months. And that's what he told people. Well, a person. That's what he told the next boyfriend after me. Straight after me! Three days after me! Obviously the rebound was a little easier for him. Hell, if I had to think about it...and I think about it, oh...every fucking day...they probably started going out while he was still with me. I guess he just forgot to tell me, things being so busy and all.

[BEAT] Now I’m not one to complain. And that's the trouble! I didn't. He was great sex…when I got it and great sex can make you forgive a lot of things. A real lot of things. It also gives you amnesia and a slight case of glaucoma. "Yes I did have a date with him last night and he knew it. Yes, that was a used condom lying by the side of his bed and not one I had deposited myself. Yes that was another car parked in his driveway the morning after the night he was supposed to show up at my place after work. Never have a boyfriend who works in a gay bar. It’s one rung just above sex club worker and abandon hope all ye who enter here.

[BEAT] It's my first night at a big dance party as a single man and it's also the first night I take drugs. Well, a drug. A little MDA a friend had given me. I take it as soon as I get there and wait for Donna Summer to come a' calling. She doesn't. The drug has no effect whatsoever. [DISCO MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY] I am standing there thinking "What a rip-off. I should report that guy to the police." [HE STARTS TO MOVE SLOWLY TO THE MUSIC] Nothing. [HE LOOKS AROUND] Why is that guy swinging upside down from the fluoros with a cabana sausage in his mouth? [HE THINKS FOR A MOMENT THEN SUDDENLY GOES WILD AS THE DRUG KICKS IN. HE STOPS] I finally start to relax and get in to the groove of it all. I am feeling so funky I wanna chuck. Then out of the corner of my eye I notice my ex's new root nearby. Great. Just when I’m ready to tune out all the crap in my life the ghost of roots past comes a’biting me in the arse. I look at him then look around to see where my ex is. He can’t be too far away. That type always hovers. Nope. No sign of him. I quickly glance at the new root. Fucking disgraceful. He looks like me! If the bastard wanted someone that looked like me then why didn't he pick me?!

The root is dancing close. In fact he’s dancing a little too close for my liking. I’m sure he knows who I am. He's seen me out. I've seen him out. Christ I stalked him enough. I know his credit card numbers and how he likes his eggs in the morning! Why is he dancing so close? And where is that fucker?! The root sidles up and smiles at me like I’m a friend or something. He gives a little limp wave. I wave back. What I really want to do is rip those nasty spandex bike pants off him and shove them down his throat followed by a Doc Marten chaser! He leans in to me. "Hi Damian." I want to scream "Fuck off troll-doll" but the drugs have made me all Salvation Army sweet so I just smile like a moron.

I hear him say something. "What?" I yell. He says it again and this time I hear perfectly. "He did the same thing to me." Same thing? What same thing? Give you great blowjobs? Suck your dick like a potty calf? Ride your knob like a pony? Don't rub it in you fucker or I'm gonna go postal all over your sorry, well proportioned arse. "No, he dumped me." I want to be cool. Give off the impression I don’t really give a shit. "Here, let me put you through to the diddums department." But I don’t. "Oh. Sorry to hear it." [HE TURNS AROUND AND DANCES A LITTLE "YES" CELEBRATION THEN TURNS BACK LOOKING SWEET] “Well, it was bound to happen” he says. “What happened?" I ask, trying to care. "Run out of money did you?" "Kinda...and he was screwing around too much. But look who I’m telling? I mean, he was fucking around behind your back like it was no-one's business." I smiled. "Thank you for your input" was all I could muster.

I turned away and head out to the loos. Naturally all the lights are broken. I think people either bring their own ladders to remove every bulb or they’re sharp shooters and can take out the entire lighting fixtures with a few select shots. Pity their aim isn’t as precise when aiming for the urinals judging by the state of the floors. The place is jam-packed but no-one’s pissing. Why are gay men obsessed with having sex in toilets. The thought of it’s bizarre. I know it’s traditional dating back to the wars and everything but Christ all mighty. There must be at least 40 asthmatics and 10 consumption cases in here. So much wheezing and spluttering it sounds like one of the Europeans spas.

I need to take a slash but can’t find a single space at any of the troughs. It’s nipple ring to nostril all along the rows. I squeeze through all the squelching bodies and God-knows-what on the floor and wait by one of the cubicle doors. The door right next to me opens and this zonked out geriatric frou-frou and his Asian twink exit. A couple of Muscle Marys try to snatch and jerk their way in before me but I grab Muscle Mary One’s sailor cap and fling it backwards over the crowd. She screams at me and flies off with wife in tow while I manage to squeeze in and slam the door shut. The lock is broken [no shock there] so I have to lean with my back against the door unzip my fly and try to arc my stream of piss into the bowl or an approximation of where the bowl should be because I can’t see a fucking thing. Which is probably a good thing. Even better is the thought that I skipped the curry tonight before heading off here because any stomach issues of the bottom variety would have been sorely tested in this establishment.

I take my weight off the door to flush, go to exit and the door flies open in front of me. I can make out a dark well-built stranger blocking my path but it looks like he’s in no hurry to take a slash. He just moves into the cubicle, grabs me and pulls me to him. Pressed against me his body feels fantastic. He must work out a bit. He rubs his hands all over my arse then straight around the front of my jeans. I think he’s done this before. He starts to rub up and down and my ardour is rising with every stroke. I grab his arse cheeks and they’re firm and well placed. These won’t be hitting the back of his knees for years. He nuzzles his head into my neck and starts kissing me and giving me little kitty cat bites. It feels so horny and tacky all at the same time. I return the favour with gusto and it’s getting so hot. Oh yeah. That’s right. Do it to me. He’s got my cock out now, pulling and tugging like he’s playing the pokies. He bends over and his mouth is just on the head, lapping up the pre cum. He swallows the head for a moment then drops down to give it the full attention. It’s nice to see a man happy in his work. This guy is so good I can’t believe my luck. I mean, I’ve had some really nasty blowjobs in my time and don’t believe a word of it when they say even a bad blowjob is a good blowjob. The things that have been done to my dick in the name of spontaneous passion, well, some should’ve been reported under the Trade Descriptions Act. I am about to blow my load and I want to pull the guy off me as a courtesy but he’ll have none of it. He’s going the full city circle and clanging the bell all the way. Now I don’t know how anyone can swallow that stuff because, and speaking for myself I think it is revolting. It’s no small brag to say I’ve managed to avoid doing it ever again since I was 16 and even then it kinda snuck up on me. I was yacking up my guts for a full half hour after.

I want to at least return part of the favour so I pull him up. He kisses me on the mouth. “Mm. That was beautiful.” He says. “Just how I imagined it would be.” Imagined? What had he heard? Then it suddenly dawns on me. No wonder his arse is so perky. He’s wearing spandex bike pants! It’s the ex’s ex root. He’s followed me into the loo. I want to throw up. I take out my lighter so I can see his face clearly. He’s got this stupid cum-eating grin on him for obvious reasons. I yell at him. “What sort of freak are you?” I scream at him. “I don’t know” he says. “What are you into?” Ugh. I gotta get out of here. I grab him by the harness. He thinks things are looking up. “Ooh, yeah, you like that, donkey boy, don’t ya” Donkey boy? I smack him right in the chops. He looks stunned so I smack him again just to press the point home. “What the fuck are you doing?” I’m yelling “When you break up with someone, that’s it. It’s just over. You feel miserable, call him a cunt, get drunk with your friends, bore them stupid with tales of what he did to you, tell them how much you miss him, stake out his house for a few months, set fire to his letterbox, kidnap his cat, burn all the things he gave you including the crab infestation. You move on! You don’t go having sex with your ex boyfriend’s ex.’s trying to reclaim lost territory! You fucked him. I fucked him. We both got fucked over by him. That’s it! No six degrees of separation! No nothing! Now get out of my way or I’m gonna twat your head into the toilet bowl and flush it until you either stop crying or stop breathing!”

He bursts into tears. Jesus. Why does this always happen to me? “What the hell are you crying about? If anyone should be crying it’s me! You screwed him behind my back, remember? You can’t expect me to feel sorry for you.” He stands there still bawling his eyes out. “There, there.” I say. “It’ll be okay.” He lunges forward, wraps his arms around me and starts blubbering all over my nice new Marcs t-shirt. After a few moments I put my arms around him, hold him and wait for the crying to subside. Ten minutes later and there’s more water on my shoulder than in the bowl. But he sees to have calmed down. I walk him out of the cubicle, through the throngs of desperate perverts and lavatorial lovers and he’s holding my hand, afraid I’m gonna let him go. I give it a good squeeze to let him know I’m still with him.

We make it outside as the sun is starting to come up. Actually compared to the horrors that can usually be found in the early hours that constitute broad daylight he doesn’t measure up half bad. And the spandex isn’t looking too shabby either, if you know what I mean. I walk him back to his place. “Do you want to come in for awhile?” He asks. “I know you must think I’m an idiot…” I do. “…but I’d like to have someone here just to talk to. I know there isn’t any possibility of us having sex again because he’s got too much baggage and I’m still a little bitter. “Alright, I guess it won’t do any harm” I go in and sit down on the sofa. He goes and has a shower then comes back out in a nice white fluffy terry towelling dressing robe. He comes and sits next to me. “Thank you” he says. “Don’t mention it” I say. “And I mean it.” He lays down with his head in my lap. I’m too tired to care. I fall asleep on the sofa and that’s where we stayed for 6 hours. I wake up. It’s early afternoon and I’m still far too drowsy. I look down and he’s lying there with his head in my lap. I brush the hair away from his face. He looks nice. He’s gonna be okay…and I guess so will I.

THE LIGHTS CHANGE

I’m almost across the park when I see him. He waves and I wave back. Even through all the lesbians I can still see his smile.

THE LIGHTS FADE

BLACKOUT


SCENE THREE

THE WANKERS PARTY. ROBERT AND ADAM ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARGUMENT. ROBERT SPEAKS WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT AND IS VERY NEW AGE

ROBERT
So what do you want to do?

ADAM
You know what I want.

ROBERT
You could have picked a better time, don’t you think? I mean your timing couldn’t have been worse. You couldn’t wait till after tonight to tell me?

ADAM
It wouldn’t have mattered when it happened. There’s never gonna be a good time.

ROBERT
Thursday. Thursday would‘ve been better.

ADAM
Of course it would. But I’m feeling this way now so I tell you now. I have to be open to own my emotions. I thought you should know. But we can deal with the details later if you want.

ROBERT
Yes, let’s explore the details. You’re the master of perfect timing.

ADAM
You taught me everything I know.

ROBERT
I know. That’s the most galling thing.

HE GOES TO SIT DOWN

So who is he?

ADAM
Let’s not do this.

ROBERT
Do I know him?

ADAM
No.

ROBERT
Impossible. I know everyone you know.

ADAM
Not this one.

ROBERT
Why are you being so evasive? I thought we had an understanding we were always going to be truthful to each other.

ADAM
I’ve told you, haven’t I?

ROBERT
You’re telling me nothing.

ADAM
Why must you always make such a big deal out of everything?

ROBERT
A big deal? You think this doesn’t warrant a big deal? You’re leaving me after 4years living together for some bit of fluff on the side and I can tell you I am being perfectly rational and calm. If I wanted to make a big deal out of it you’re be pulling a sideboard out of your right temple by now.

ADAM
Don’t be so stupid. It’s not in your nature to be violent.

ROBERT
No it’s not. But it should be. It really should.

ADAM
It’s not very Buddhist either.

ROBERT
Oh fuck off!

ADAM SITS OPPOSITE HIM

ADAM
Don’t you need to get ready or something? It’s almost eight.

ROBERT
I’m ready.

ADAM
Maybe no one will show up. I could do with a break.

ROBERT
Oh they’ll show up. Someone always shows up.

ADAM
Video ready?

ROBERT
Yes.

ADAM
Snacks?

ROBERT
Yes!

ADAM
You’re getting snippy.

ROBERT
Yes I am. But I am comfortable in my snippiness. I will own it and flow with it.

ADAM
You’re a cunt.

ROBERT
I am open to that as well. [BEAT] Twat.

ADAM
Good for you.

ROBERT
Don’t push it shithead.

ADAM STANDS UP AND MIMES UNDOING HIS TROUSERS AND MASTURBATING.

ROBERT
What are you doing?

ADAM
What does it look like I’m doing?

ROBERT SHAKES HIS HEAD

ROBERT
I don’t know how you do it. You can just turn it off and on. I wish I was like that. Unfeeling.

ADAM
You go with your strengths.

ROBERT
I’m going to the bathroom. I don’t think I can cope with this tonight.

HE EXITS. ADAM STANDS UP. HE GOES OVER TO AN IMAGINARY VIDEO MACHINE, LOOKS AT THE TAPES ON TOP THEN PUTS ONE IN AND TURNS ON THE TELLY WITH A REMOTE. HE SITS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, LEANS BACK, STARTS TO RUB HIMSELF AND CLOSES HIS EYES. THERE IS A DOORBELL. HE CONTINUES RUBBING HIMSELF. THE DOOR BELL GOES AGAIN.

ROBERT
[VOICE OFF] Are you going to get that or what?

ADAM SIGHS ‘FUCK’ THEN GETS UP AND GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. HE COMES BACK ON WITH PHILLIP FOLLOWING.

ADAM
What are you doing here?

PHILLIP
I hadn’t heard from you. I was worried. I thought he might have beaten you up or something.

ADAM
You’ve obviously never met him. Besides, I can take care of myself

PHILLIP LOOKS DOWN AT ADAM PULLING HIS DICK

PHILLIP
So I can see. Need a hand?

ADAM
Stop that. He’s home.

PHILLIP
Have you told him?

ADAM
Just now but you can’t stay.

PHILLIP
He’s here? Are you having sex or something?

ADAM
It’s not what you think.

PHILLIP
You answer the door pulling your cock. What am I supposed to think?

ADAM
You’re supposed to think that maybe you shouldn’t be here. If he knows who you are he could go crazy.

PHILLIP
I think that ship has already sailed. Let me just touch it.

ADAM
Stop that!

PHILLIP
Let’s go someplace.

ADAM
I can’t. We’re in the middle of something.

PHILLIP
Then how long are you gonna be? I could just wait.

ADAM
I’m not sure how long I’ll be. These things can sometimes be quick or they can be fast.

PHILLIP
So can I. Let me prove it to you.

PHILLIP GROPES HIM. ADAM PUSHES HIM AWAY

ADAM
Look, I’ve already told you I’m busy.

PHILLIP
So busy you can’t see me. What are you so busy with?

ADAM
If you must know we are about to have a little…get together.

PHILLIP
A party? That’s okay. I can just blend in.

ADAM
It’s not that sort of party. It’s more like a club.

PHILLIP
Club?

ADAM
Uh-huh. A private members club.

PHILLIP
Can anyone join?

ADAM
I guess.

PHILLIP
Okay. Where do I sign up?

ADAM
It’s not that simple.

PHILLIP
Why? Very exclusive is it? Is it hard to get in?

ADAM
Hard is kinda the pre-requisite. It’s a jack off club.

PHILLIP
A what?

ROBERT ENTERS MASTURBATING. ADAM SITS DOWN

ROBERT
I thought I heard someone. Oh and it’s a newbie. Welcome. Hi. How’re ya’ doing? My name’s Bob. Hi. And you are?

PHILLIP
Er…Bruno?

ADAM
Bruno?

ROBERT
Bruno. That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that name all too often. Are you ethnic? You don’t look it. No never mind. And I see you’ve already met Adam. Glad you could join us this evening. Well it’s great to have you here. Now because you’ve never been here before we like to lay down the rules early on so there’s no confusion or anything. Have you ever been to a jack off club before?

PHILLIP
I…

ROBERT
Because if you haven’t there’s no need to be embarrassed. We all have to start somewhere and find pleasure where we can. We all pretty informal here. Well, as you can see. Now, the cost if five dollars, which covers video rental, snacks and soft beverages. Nothing hard I’m afraid. Alcohol-wise.

HE IS WAITING FOR THE MONEY.

PHILLIP
Oh.

HE TAKES FIVE DOLLARS OUT OF HIS POCKET.

ROBERT
We like to get things out of the way. [STILL PULLING] Avoids embarrassment.

ADAM
And we wouldn’t want that, would we?

ROBERT
Now we like our members to enjoy themselves…and our members to enjoy their members. [LAUGHS] Sorry. Just a little joke we have around here. Now the most important rule is that you can look…

ROBERT & ADAM
…but you can’t touch.

ROBERT
No lips below the hips. That’s not what this club is about. If it’s actual penetration you’re after you can get it 5 blocks away at the porn club. Here we promote the visual as opposed to the actual. It’s still all hands to the pump but everyone’s master of their own domain. Of course that’s not to say our members don’t go on to forge liaisons with other members outside here. Some have gone on to become couples and more power to them. Why, even Adam and myself met through a JO club. But we left that because it was becoming too political.

ADAM
They kicked us out.

ROBERT
You know how it is. As soon as a group of gay men get together the lesbians want to be part of it and form a committee to run it! I mean, what the hell are lesbians going to do at a JO party? So we started our own sub-branch and I can take some satisfaction that the other group imploded within 2 months. Oh, I seem Adam has put the video on. It’s one of my favourites. Free Your Willy. Not a particularly original title, but there are some interesting interactions between the actors.

ADAM
Actors be buggered.

ROBERT
And that’s what happens to most of them.

THE DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

My, it’s busy tonight. Bruno, why don’t you take a seat and relax. I’ll just get the door.

HE EXITS. PHILLIP LOOKS AT ADAM. ADAM GETS UP

PHILLIP
Jack off club?

ADAM
Bruno?

PHILLIP
Let’s go.

ADAM
I can’t go. Not yet. I promised him I’d stay for the evening. But you can leave.

PHILLIP
Why?

ADAM
I’m not sure how I feel about you being here.

PHILLIP
C’mon.

HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND ADAM AND HOLDS HIS BUTT.

You don’t want me here?

ADAM
Of course not. You should never have come.

PHILLIP
Wrong time and place to be saying that, don’t you think?

ADAM
Shut up.

PHILLIP
What goes on at these things anyway?

ADAM
You really need to ask?

PHILLIP
You’re not afraid, are you?

ADAM
Of?

PHILLIP
Of maybe me getting it on with one of the guys tonight. I’ve told you…

ROBERT ENTERS WITH SEAN. ADAM AND PHILLIP RUSH BACK TO THEIR SEATS. SEAN IS A LITTLE SHOCKED BY WHAT HE IS SEEING AND NOT SURE WHERE TO LOOK

ROBERT
Hi boys. This is Sean. Sean’s also a newbie. Isn’t that great? I’ve already explained all the rules to him so let’s just get started, shall we? Sean, why don’t you take a seat. Or not. Whatever works for you…though we find everyone sitting down to start with is more relaxing.

SEAN
Sure.

HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ADAM. PHILLIP SITS OPPOSITE ADAM. THEY SLOWLY TAKE THEIR DICKS OUT OF THEIR PANTS EXCEPT SEAN. EVERYONE SIZES EACH OTHER UP. SEAN UNDOES HIS TROUSERS. THEY ALL SIT FORWARD AND ARE VERY IMPRESSED NOT TO MENTION INTIMIDATED BY THE SIZE OF HIS MEMBER. SEAN LOOKS UP AT EVERYONE. THEY LOOK AWAY THEN SLOWLY THEIR EYES FOCUS BACK ON THE VIDEO. THERE ARE LITTLE LOOKS BETWEEN PHILLIP AND ADAM. PHILLIP BECOMES A LITTLE TOO INTERESTED IN SEAN. ADAM GETS A LITTLE JEALOUS AND MAKES A GRUFF NOISE. PHILLIP LOOKS TO THE VIDEO. ROBERT SULKS BECAUSE NO ONE IS LOOKING AT HIM SO HE TRIES TO MAKE CONVERSATION.

ROBERT
This is a great video. I love this bit. Sean, have you ever seen this video?

SEAN
I…

ROBERT
It’s very good. We try to keep the videos a little vanilla because we’re not sure what everyone is into but you know if you come back again you can bring your own.

SEAN
Thanks.

ADAM
Robert!

ROBERT
Oh, sorry.

THEY LOOK AT THE VIDEO AGAIN. PHILLIP SLOWLY LOOKS OVER TO SEAN AND STARES. SEAN OPENS HIS EYES WHEN HE FEELS PHILLIP’S EYES ON HIM. THEIR EYES MEET. PHILLIP SMILES. SEAN SMILES. THEY LOOK LONGINGLY AT EACH OTHER. ADAM COUGHS AGAIN. PHILLIP LOOKS AT HIM. HE GLARES THEN LOOKS BACK AT THE VIDEO. ROBERT LOOKS AT SEAN AND IS QUIETLY INTERESTED IN HIM. SEAN LOOKS AT ROBERT AND SMILES. ROBERT IS QUITE TAKEN ABACK BECAUSE SEAN IS STARTING TO FLIRT WITH HIM. ADAM NOTICES AND IS A LITTLE PUT OFF. HE GETS UP, MOVES AROUND THE GROUP UNTIL HE IS STANDING BETWEEN ROBERT AND SEAN AND GLARES AT ROBERT. PHILLIP IS WATCHING SEAN AGAIN AS WELL. ADAM LOOKS AT THE VIDEO SCREEN THEN MOVES NEXT TO PHILLIP WHO IS UNAWARE THAT ADAM IS STANDING SO CLOSE.

ADAM
[LOOKING AT THE VIDEO] Yeah, suck that cock. Give it to him. Right down his throat. You like that don’t ya’. You wanna take it.

ROBERT
Ssh!

ADAM BANGS HIS DICK AGAINST PHILLIP’S HEAD THEN GOES TO SIT BACK DOWN AND SULKS. ROBERT WATCHES THE VIDEO.

SEAN
Can I…?

ROBERT
Yes, Sean? Can you what?

SEAN
Move around a bit. I wasn’t sure. These seats are pretty uncomfortable.

ROBERT
[TAKEN ABACK] Uncomfortable? I don’t find them uncomfortable. In fact I think they’re very luxurious. However, if you feel the need…then please go right ahead. We don’t stand on ceremony here.

SEAN
I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sure some people find them…

ADAM
Do what you want, Sean. Hang upside down behind the telly if you want. Just enjoy yourself.

SEAN
Thanks.

SEAN GETS UP AND MOVES AROUND THE ROOM SO HE CAN GET A BETTER POSITION. PHILLIP LOOKS AT HIM

PHILLIP
I think I might stand up as well.

HE GETS UP AND STANDS BESIDE SEAN. ADAM GETS A LITTLE PEEVED AND STANDS RIGHT NEXT TO PHILLIP. HE NUDGES ROBBIE'S SHOULDER. PHILLIP MOVES AROUND TO THE OTHER SIDE OF SEAN AND BLOWS IN HIS EAR. HE SQUEEZES SEAN’S NIPPLE.

PHILLIP
You liked that, don’t ya’?

SEAN
Uh-huh.

SEAN SMILES, DROPS HIS HEAD BACK AND CLOSES HIS EYES. PHILLIP MOVES AROUND BEHIND HIM AND PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND IN FRONT OF HIS CHEST AND MIMES TAKING OFF SEAN’S SHIRT. SEAN KEEPS HIS EYES CLOSED AND PHILLIP SQUEEZES HIS NIPPLES AGAIN BUT ADAM GRABS HIS HAND AND SQUEEZES PHILLIP’S WRIST UNTIL IT HURTS. PHILLIP GIVES A LITTLE YELP. ROBERT IS STILL STEWING, WATCHING THE VIDEO. THEY ARE ALL STILL STROKING. ADAM TRIES TO GET A LITTLE OF HIS OWN BACK BY LEANING OVER AND SUCKING ON SEAN’S NIPPLE. SEAN MOANS. ROBERT LOOKS AT THEM. HE GOES OVER AND DRAGS ADAM AWAY.

ROBERT
What do you think you’re doing?

ADAM
Being annoyed by a fuckwit? What does it look like I’m doing? I’m enjoying myself.

ROBERT
Well stop enjoying yourself so much. We’ve only broken up 10 minutes ago. You might want to allow a little grieving, if only to placate me.

ADAM
I’m still here, aren’t I? And as for placating you, well, I think we covered that pretty well in the last 4 years, don’t you? You’re the one who stopped wanting the sex. Can you really blame me if I had to start looking around? Look, do you mind if I get back to the action. Right now the only thing that’s going to get me over the edge is a little hands on action.

ROBERT
I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.

ADAM
Oh just watch your video.

ADAM TURNS AROUND TO SEE SEAN AND PHILLIP KISSING PASSIONATELY. HE YELPS AND TRIES TO CUT IN BUT IS NOT HAVING MUCH LUCK. HE GOES BACK TO HIS CHAIR AND GLOWERS AT THEM

ROBERT
So…Sean? What is it about these chairs that you finds so uncomfortable? I mean, they’re quite expensive chairs.

ADAM
Drop it.

ROBERT
When I tell you how much they cost I think you could say that giving up a little comfort isn’t such a high price to pay, do you?

SEAN
Sorry, I didn’t mean that they were too…

ADAM
Ignore him.

ROBERT
I’m sorry if I sound like I’m harping on about this, Sean. It’s just that, some people don’t recognise a good thing when they’ve got it. Comfort is not the most important thing. It’s the value you place on it. And not just with chairs either. It’s the same with relationships. Chairs are like relationships. Are you single, Sean?

SEAN
Not really.

ROBERT
So you have a partner? Good for you.

PHILLIP
Do they have a big cock? I’ll bet they do. You like big cocks?

SEAN
I’m married.

THEY ALL STOP AND LOOK AT HIM

ADAM
Married?

SEAN
Uh-huh.

ROBERT
You mean with a woman?

SEAN
Yep. But to answer your question…Yes I do like big cocks.

ROBERT
Oh, good. That’s perfect. Well, it takes all kinds. Been married long?

ADAM
Do you mind?

SEAN
10 years.

ROBERT
Does she know you do this kind of thing?

SEAN
Of course. In fact she’s waiting downstairs in the car. She doesn’t mind at all. She’s not that interested in sex anymore so she lets me do what I want.

ADAM STEPS BACK

ADAM
She’s downstairs? What’s she doing downstairs?

SEAN
Crosswords, I think. She prefers the jumbo ones.

ROBERT
Well, that’s something you have in common.

PHILLIP
You’re married? I can’t believe it. A nice looking guy like you? What a waste.

SEAN
Sorry.

PHILLIP
Don’t be. You can’t help the way you are.

ADAM
Look, I hate to break up this little love fest but could we get back to what we were doing?

PHILLIP
I’m not in the mood anymore.

ADAM
You’re not in the mood? Well that’s news. Judging from your behaviour tonight I think it’s fair to say that the one thing you are in tonight is “the mood.”

PHILLIP
Do we have to do this now?

ROBERT
Do? Do what?

PHILLIP
I’ll call you later?

PHILLIP GOES TO EXIT

ROBERT
Later? You know each other?

PHILLIP STOPS

ADAM
Of course we don’t. We’ve just met tonight.

ROBERT
Hang on a minute. It’s you, isn’t it?

PHILLIP
What?

ROBERT
You the one he’s seeing.

ADAM
No he isn’t.

PHILLIP
Yes I am. Why are you trying to deny it?

ADAM
I…

PHILLIP
Are you ashamed of me? Is that it? I embarrass you.

ADAM
Well, at the moment you are.

ROBERT
You’ve got some nerve, you know that? You bring along your latest fuck to our group nights.

PHILLIP
I’m not his latest fuck. I happen to be in love with him.

ADAM
You are?

ROBERT
Oh please. You’ve only known him for 2 weeks.

PHILLIP
What?

ROBERT
How can you possibly say you’re in love with him?

PHILLIP
Two weeks?

ROBERT
That’s what he told me.

PHILLIP
Two weeks? I’ve been with you for 3 months.

ADAM
Jesus.

ROBERT
Three months?!! You little shit! You’ve been having an affair.

PHILLIP
Why did you tell him it was only two weeks? Do I mean that little to you?

ADAM
Well, right now you mean a whole lot less.

PHILLIP
Meaning?

ADAM
Well, it’s not like you’ve been faithful. Judging by your behaviour tonight I’m not so sure I want to be with someone who can just have sex with strangers at the drop of a hat.

PHILLIP
It’s a jack off club. Not a prayer meeting. You asked me to stay.

ADAM
I did not.

PHILLIP
Not in so many words. But you weren’t that eager to get me out. And I never did anything. It’s all harmless. It’s not like I’m dropping to knees to give him a blowjob or something.

ADAM
But you’d like to, wouldn’t you? You’re all over him like rash.

PHILLIP
So were you. Well, maybe I’ll blow him. Would that make you happy? Then you can have a reason for chucking a spaz attack.

SEAN
Actually I’ve kinda gone off the idea anyway.

ADAM
You stay right where you are. This might be a good test for our relationship.

ROBERT
Relationship? Well, don’t mind my feelings or anything. I’m still in the room, you know.

SEAN
No really. I better go. I’ve got to pick up the kids from basketball anyway…

ROBERT
Kids?

ADAM
You’ve got kids?

SEAN
Yep. Eight and nine year olds. Would you like to see their pictures? I’ve got one in my wallet?

ROBERT
What kind of sicko are you?

PHILLIP
Why are you attacking him? He hasn’t done anything wrong.

ADAM
Why are you defending him?

ROBERT
I’m not attacking him.

PHILLIP
Well it sure looks like it to me.

ADAM
Well, your observational skills are slightly out of whack, aren’t they? Otherwise you wouldn’t be going the grope with a straight guy.

SEAN
Actually I’m bi.

ROBERT
Who gives a fuck!

SEAN
I’m gonna go. Bye.

HE EXITS

PHILLIP
Me too. [TO ADAM] Boy, you think you know a person. That you can trust them to be honest about the relationship.

ADAM
We were having an affair behind his back!! I don’t think trust is a word you should be bandying about so willy-nilly, do you?

PHILLIP
Don’t call me.

HE EXITS AS WELL. ADAM LOOKS OFF.

ADAM
[YELLING] Wankers!

HE GOES TO SIT DOWN. ROBERT LOOKS BACK AT HIM THEN AT THE VIDEO. ADAM LOOKS AT THE VIDEO. THEY START JERKING OFF AGAIN. AFTER A LONG PAUSE.

ROBERT
Would you like a cup of tea?

ADAM
Yes please.

THEY CONTINUE TO JERK OFF TO DOLLY PARTON SINGING “HERE YOU COME AGAIN”

LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK




SCENE FOUR

NIGHT. ROBERT STANDS CENTRE IN A SMALL CLEARING

ROBERT
Water. I’m always hearing water. I think there’s something wrong with my hearing or something because it’s always there. Maybe I should see a doctor. What’s that light? Seems to be very bright. Hope it doesn’t scare people off. That would be a shame. It’s a beautiful night. Warm but cool at the same time. Not a cloud in the sky. The Milky Way stretches across the sky like some glittering…sparkling…thing. So many stars. You can almost touch them. A moment ago I thought I saw a shooting star. Did you see it? No mind. Maybe I didn’t either. The moon’s like a golden disk. A bright coin suspended in air. It doesn’t even look real. Perfect. [HE LOOKS AROUND] I love coming here. I usually come straight from the pool across the road. I’m always feeling in the mood after the pool. Always something happening. Here in the park during the day you can see kids and their families playing around over near those old banged-up picnic tables and the swings. Lots of places to play games of hide and seek. Everyone laughing, running. You get a lot of athletes and joggers running around the edge. Everyone trying to keep fit. But at night the trees and bushes are rustling for other reasons. Lots and lots of men. All still running and playing games but this has a different energy. I have been coming to this place for 5 years. I was always going to come here but it took up about 18 months to work up the courage. Now I just pop in once or twice a week. I rarely do anything and sometimes I’m the only one here. Everyone kept telling me to get out and meet people. Maybe they didn’t have this in mind but I suppose it still serves the same purpose. My friend died ten years ago. Friend. Seems such a stupid word. My lover died ten years ago this week. [DRYLY] Oh yes, that’s so much better. He got hit by a bus. Not a glamour exit, that’s for sure. There hasn’t been anyone since. For three years I walked around like a wounded animal. I know because that’s what people said to me. “You look like a wounded animal.” People are very observant. Especially when it comes to stating the bleeding obvious.

SOMEONE ENTERS

He looks nice.

THE STRANGER WALKS OFF

Not to worry. Queens are like buses. There’ll be another one along shortly. We’d been together 10 years. His name was John. Aren’t they all? I met him late one Saturday night at Mandate. There’s a time frame for ya’. Should put me somewhere around the Boer War. I’m getting blotto and there’s not much around. Plenty of room to swing the odd moggy, hurl it across the dance floor and bossa nova back and forth over the bar with its lifeless carcass. Of course if he were here now he’d tell you I was already passed out with my face in the pretzels. Not true. I was just resting my cheek. I open my eyes and he’s looking right at me. Bar level. “Can I have some of your pretzels or are you gonna go the whole hog?” That’s right. One of the classic pick up lines. “Oink, I say. I look at him. He has a cute face. Oh they’re always stunning on the first date. And if they aren’t then you can only assume they’re up to no good. Well, with me anyway. And the sex life had been pretty infrequent or erratic for quite some time. The last time I had came here I don’t even remember leaving. All I remember was waking up next to this young Asian deaf guy. He was all over me as I came to…er…woke up. The sex was fantastic. Some of the best I could remember. He was all over me and the bed doing things I could never have attempted, not even solo. His mouth and arse were jerking all over my groin. As for the dick, well he was little short of a Grand National winner! Needless to say I was very accommodating that night. Of course once we’d finished he was still jerking and shaking. Turns out he also has cerebral palsy. What a coup. Hit the jackpot that night, I can tell you. And before anyone starts tut-tutting I had 3 more dates with him. Well, I wasn’t gonna let a little extra bed-rocking get in the way of a good time. Of course he dumped me. Turns out he was a bit of a slut.

SEAN AND PHILLIP ENTER AND STAND NEAR TO ROBERT

ROBERT
Oops. Here we go. Who’s your daddy?

THEY START TO MAKE OUT. SEAN IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN ON PHILLIP.

ROBERT
Well don’t mind me.

PHILLIP
And you’re sure your wife doesn’t mind?

SEAN
Positive. You can call her if you like.

PHILLIP
No, that’s okay. I believe you.

ROBERT WATCHES THEM IN THE DARK. HE MOVES IN AND TOUCHES PHILLIP ON THE SHOULDER.

Umm. We should go.

SEAN
Why? I thought you wanted me to do this.

PHILLIP
I do but not here. It feels weird here. I’m feeling cold.

SEAN
You want to go back to the car?

PHILLIP
Isn’t your wife there?

SEAN
There’s the back seat. Or we can ask her to go for a walk. She won’t mind.

PHILLIP
I think you’re both a pair of freaks.

HE EXITS WITH SEAN FOLLOWING

ROBERT
Some people are a little shy. So, back at Mandate…me face down in the pretzels, him cruising me horizontally. Of course the next thing he says really puts it all in perspective. “I love bears.” I sat up and looked at him haughtily. “I am not a bear, you idiot. I just fat. There’s a difference. And if you can’t see that then what future do we have together.” He smiles and I almost fall off my stool. He has the most beautiful smile. I hate him and fall in love with him at first sight. Forty years on the planet and this is my first head over heels. I always thought people were lying when they said it happened to them and they were in denial because the marriage was probably on the rocks. I look around. There are only about 5 people left. It’s 1am on a Saturday night. Does not bode well for the future of this establishment. I look at him again. “Would you like to walk me home? I am feeling slightly under the weather, kind sir, and would not like to wake up in a gutter covered in refuse.” He looks at me like I’m an idiot. Not a concept far wide of the mark. Then he says sure and off we hobble to my place, which is actually one street away but it takes us an hour to get there because I’m shit-faced and the first opportunity we pass a dark alcove he’s onto me like a whore on a halfpenny. Tongue down my throat. Finger up my arse. You’d think he was trying to bite his nails. People are just too shy, you know. I sober up real quick. You don’t want to miss those opportunities when they present themselves because one day the offers will dry up and you’ll be blowing bugs out of your boxers with a leaf blower!

So, he’s blowing me with my trousers around my ankles, my dignity out the window and my arse in the hedge. God knows what the home-owners were making of it. Fortunately they weren’t around but their kid was. Looking out from his upstairs bedroom window he’s getting the full show into the garden with the best seats in the house. I smile up at him and he gives a little wave. Cute kid. Probably scarred him for life but it should make an interesting re-enactment for show and tell the next day.

So there we are, getting it on big time among the begonias when he turns around and asks me if he can come home with me. I mean, what’s the point? I’ve come, haven’t I? As a gay man I feel it’s my duty once I’ve blown my load to get the fuck out of there quick smart before they find out what type of person I am. I say no. I’m sure he hates my guts. I plead the “gotta get up for work early” routine. He doesn’t buy it and my heart wasn’t really in it because he’s got a sweet face…and I want to sit on it again. After a full two minutes [some people never give up] of him badgering me I say yes. We get to my place and he’s all over my bed like a deranged doona. We fuck like there’s no tomorrow. Of course tomorrow does come…and so do we. Then he drops the clanger. He’s a cop. A gay one. Well, the cocksucking was the giveaway. And he’s a rare bird. He’s a good-looking cop. That type are few and far between. At a distance and in their uniforms they look quite hot but up close it’s definitely D.O.A. Deteriorates On Approach. Much like gay rainbow stickers. Speed up as soon as you see a rainbow flag in the next lane but it always turns out to be lesbians. And there you are wasting all that petrol…

THE CAST MEANDERS IN AND STANDS LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. THEY MOVE TOWARDS EACH OTHER THEN START TO GROPE. ROBERT MOVES TOWARDS THEM. THEY STOP AND MOVE AWAY.

He moved in 2 months later. And as I said, we were together 5 years. I couldn’t let him go…or I couldn’t get rid of him. Which is pretty much the same thing depending on the day. We were the perfect couple. We’d fight, we’d fuck, we’d fight again. And I can’t honestly say I was in love with him at the time. But as the months passed we became so used to each other that it seemed weird when he wasn’t there and I wasn’t prepared for that. I’d become accustomed to his face…well, sitting on it as well. When he worked late shift I could never sleep until he came home and was lying next to me. Safe.

I get a call from the station. Some numb-nuts. He asks to speak to John’s wife. I lower my voice. “Speaking.” I could hear crickets on the other end then matter of fact he tells me John has been killed in an accident. People are so cold and officious when they don’t understand. Not they’re fault….yes, it is. He was on traffic duty. The lights were out on the corner of Collins and Elizabeth so he gets lumbered with point duty. Lovely clear sunny day, busy road, some fuckwit bus driver swerves around a stalled truck and manages to hit John head on as he’s waving people through. Knocks him clean into the gutter. People are so cold…I said that already, didn’t I?

THE REST OF THE CAST ENTER AND MILL AROUND IN THE DARKNESS

No matter. Things are bound to change. There’s no way to control it. But I miss him greatly. What a selfish bastard for leaving me like that. I should have got him to sign something.

So now I come here. Oh, I’m not out to replace him. He was too nice to replace. Here I can just get the feeling that I haven’t stopped. Quick passion is sometimes a great substitute for loneliness. A little contact with the rest of the human race. And if I don’t get that then at least I can look at the stars, can’t I? So close. And the spooky thing is they haven’t changed in years. Every night they’re the same. The same stars, the same moon. Must be the drought or El Nino or something.

THE OTHERS ENTERS. THEY START TO CRUISE EACH OTHER THEN WANDER AROUND. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN MOVE AWAY. ONE STANDS CLOSE TO ROBERT. HE LOOKS AT HIM. THEN LOOKS AT THE STARS.

ADAM
Beautiful.

ROBERT
Yes they are.

ADAM
You can almost touch them.

ROBERT
Yes.

ADAM
You know, I think coming here a few times a week is not such a good idea.

ROBERT
You’re telling me.

HE LOOKS AROUND

Oh Jesus.

ADAM
Close, but no cigar.

ROBERT
You’re supposed to be dead.

ADAM
Yes, well, that would explain the wings and harp. You know. Some nights I just can’t get to sleep. The harps are out of tune and those bloody wings never stop flapping! Oh for a decent flamer thrower! Are you done talking?

ROBERT
I guess. Are you a ghost or something?

ADAM
What are you? Ten?

ROBERT
Then I don’t understand.

ADAM
That’s alright. I’ll explain on the way.

ROBERT
Way?

ADAM
Uh-huh. We need to take a little trip.

ROBERT
Oh, you mean like A Christmas Carol? The ghost of Memories Past or something like that?

ADAM
Sure. Whatever makes it easier for you.

ROBERT
But I don’t want to go anywhere. I like it here.

ADAM
You don’t belong here anymore.

ROBERT
I feel like I do.

ADAM
It’s an old feeling. It will pass.

ROBERT
But I live here.

ADAM
No you don’t. You haven’t lived here for 2 years.

ROBERT
But I can see my house from here.

ADAM
It’s not your house anymore. Someone else’s.

ROBERT
But my things…

ADAM
All gone.

ROBERT
But that’s not right.

ADAM
It’s the way of things. All things lost in the world.

ROBERT
How can this happen?

ADAM
You don’t remember?

ROBERT
Not really.

ADAM
What do you remember?

ROBERT
Smoke and water. I remember smoke and water. It was cold, white and hard. There was this kind of cloud over my eyes and my head hurt. And I remember this boy. This boy. At the...pool? He was always at the pool. Beautiful. I wanted to talk to him. I would smile at him sometimes. And sometimes he’d smile back. Sometimes. He always looked so sad to me. So I kept my distance. And now he’s there…looking down at me. Me looking up at him. He was crying. Don’t cry. Why are you crying? It’s alright. But so full of sadness. I wanted to tell him. Don’t be sad. It’s lovely. I could have laid there forever. He was so kind. He was just holding me. I was looking at his perfect face and the angel next to him. Then he leaned in and kissed me. So soft. I watched him fade away. Watched it all fade away. Then I was here.

ADAM
Two years.

ROBERT
Two years? Yes. I guess it was. A long time.

HE LOOKS AT ADAM

All gone?

ADAM
Most of it. But now it’s different.

ROBERT
I guess. Not very happy though, is it?

ADAM
You want happy endings? You’re not always gonna find them. Sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes you get hit by a bus. Things just are as they are. You go on through life and hope to God someone’s gonna be there to share the journey with you. Someone you can accept even with all their faults and with a bit of luck they can accept yours as well. The sex may not last. The roving eye may increase but at the end of the day they’re still gonna be there and you know that, even if you screw up or screw around they’re gonna love you no matter what and you feel better just having your hand in theirs at the end of the day. At the end of the day that’s all that matters.

ROBERT
Where are you taking me?

ADAM
I’m not sure. All I know is we walk.

THEY START TO WALK UPSTAGE AND STOP

ROBERT
Bit of a weird ending, isn’t it?

ADAM
It’s all theatre, honey. Sometimes you just have to go with it.

THE STAGE FALLS INTO FOUR SPOTLIGHTS AS EACH ACTOR IS LIT

SEAN
Wanted...

PHILLIP
Wanted

ROBERT
Wanted

PHILLIP
Wanted

ADAM
Wanted

SEAN
Gay male...

PHILLIP
Gay male

ROBERT
Gay male...

PHILLIP
Gay male

SEAN
Any kind of…

ADAM
Male

ROBERT
Man

SEAN
Woman

ADAM
Person

PHILLIP
Thing.

PHILLIP
Looking for

ROBERT
Searching for

SEAN
Longing for

ADAM
Hoping for

PHILLIP
Someone

PHILLIP
Somehow

ROBERT
Somewhere

ADAM
Some kind of…

SEAN
Wonderful.

PHILLIP
Passion

ROBERT
Romance

SEAN
Affection

PHILLIP
Seduction

ADAM
Emotion

PHILLIP
Contact

ROBERT
Touch

SEAN
Feeling

ADAM
Someone to kiss me when I’m sad

PHILLIP
Hold my hand when I’m lonely

SEAN
Be there when I need them

PHILLIP
Someone to help me find my way home

ROBERT
Man

ADAM
Woman

SEAN
Person

PHILLIP
Thing

PHILLIP
Looking for

ROBERT
Looking for

SEAN
Looking for

ALL
Umm.

ADAM
Love

THEY THINK FOR A MOMENT

ALL
Love

THE LIGHTS FADE



END OF PLAY.