Rust In The Dust

^{RUST
IN THE DUST}

^{Book
& Lyrics by Steven Dawson}
^{Music
by Steven Dawson & Graham McKane}
^{*Additional
Lyrics by Graham McKane.}

^{In
loving memory of Deborah.}

All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.

Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.

This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O. Box 445, Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone 61 2 9281 9622
Fax 61 2 9212 7100
raftos@raftos.com.au

^{Sheet
music and a recording of this show is available upon request.}

^{First Performed Dec 12th 1991 Tilbury
Hotel, Sydney Australia}

^{Betty Jo
Steven Dawson}
^{Alma May
Deborah Paull}
^{Dwayne
Graham McKane}

^{Directed by John Bashford}

^{THE GIRLS ENTER IN VERY COUNTRY AND WESTERN
MOURNING DRESSES WITH JACKIE O SUNGLASSES}

^{DROP KICK ME JESUS THROUGH THE GOAL
POSTS OF LIFE}

^{The day that}
^{Bobby del Vecchio said he'd go and marry
me}
^{I was almost out of my mind}
^{I said "Bobby don't you tease me cause you
know}
^{That I am not the teasing kind}
^{I will stick you with a cattle prod}
^{Or nail your married organs to the gate.}
^{Cause I'm a Horny woman and don't touch
me}
^{Unless we's gonna mate}

^{And Bobby said}
^{"Yo, steady woman, I been trying to get
the courage up to}
^{Ask but you always shoot me down.}
^{So please put down that .44 magnum, baby.}
^{Just lay it on the ground"}
^{I said "Sorry, Bobby, baby}
^{I'm just a little fragile I guess}
^{I've got my Family's autopsy today}
^{And my hair is such a mess}

^{But don't you}
^{Drop kick me Jesus through the goalposts
of life}
^{I've got my brand new boyfriend I'm gonna
be his wife}
^{You can keep that lousy foreplay, dull
sex and strife}
^{And don't you drop kick me Jesus, through
the goal}
^{The goal posts of life}

^{But since that time my friend, I can't say
that life's been good}
^{You see Bobby got laid off from his job}
^{And times were tough}
^{And times were lean}
^{And he got drunk}
^{And he got mean}
^{And sometimes I lost my faith in God}
^{But Bobby CRIED}
^{That he did love me}
^{And he'd never go away}
^{And we counted all our blessings and were
happy}
^{Until that fateful day}

^{When Bobby came in through the door one night
and said he'd found a job}
^{I almost wet myself, I guess}
^{He was gonna be a stripper}
^{For Ladies at the Bingo club}
^{But told me it was just a job}
^{And that I shouldn't be upset}
^{He was doing it for the money}
^{And it didn't mean a thing to him}
^{And could I make his costume}
^{Maybe just a little G-string}
^{And that all he had to do was just undress}
^{But the NIGHT}
^{He got up onstage}
^{The women surged across the floor}
^{And when the feeding frenzy ended}
^{And the women moved away}
^{My darlin' Bobby del Vecchio was no more}

^{So won't you}
^{Drop kick me Jesus through the goalposts
of life}
^{I've lost my potential husband I'll never
be his wife}
^{I'd rather take a chainsaw to my breast}
^{Or sit myself upon a carving knife}
^{So won't you drop kick me Jesus, through
the goal}
^{The goalposts of life}

^{Now I}
^{Know that it's a shitty tale and life ain't
been too good}
^{So far but either way, don't you be sad
for me}
^{Cause if I know that bastard, he'll be plucking
on a harp and saying}
^{That's just the way he'd've wanted it to
be}
^{And as I cry}
^{Upon my pillow}
^{I pray for one small thing}
^{That the bitch who killed my Bobby Is now
choking on his old home-made g-string}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh, my lord. Thank you, thank you and what
a genuine pleasure it is to be here.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{That's right. We've been looking forward
to this moment for, well....hours. But enough of this light-hearted banter
to lift your drab, wretched lives.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{That's right. And boy do y'all look drab
and wretched from this side of the room. Ladies and gentlemen, we have
come together, all of us here, family and friends to share in the loss
of a wonderfully...}

^{ALMA MAY}
^Warm.

^{BETTY JO}
^Caring.

^{ALMA MAY}
^{And sharing human being.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Such a handsome, talented and athletic individual
stolen from out of my hands...}

^{ALMA MAY}
^Clutches.

^{BETTY JO}
^{Hands! A truly remarkable human being. Always
there when you were down and out. Always thinking of others and never of
himself. Always giving.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{And believe me, he had plenty to give.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{This here is a special tribute show to the
life and times of the late great Bobby del Vecchio. Let's give him a hand
and a toast. Yes. A man who loved life and it loved him and he loved me
and I loved him and we all loved each other.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{To death. Figuratively speaking, of course.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here to join hands and hearts in commemorating
the short but tasteful life of a man who touched all our lives and was
able to probe with uncanny ability into some of our deepest inner most
parts.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{That's right. Why, sometimes he would come
into the room and I would think to myself, that man is looking into one
of my crevices even as we speak.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{What a time to be without a depth meter.
I don't think this is quite the right time to hear about your numerous
crevices, honey. Do you?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{In the brief few months had the pleasure
of his company and had grown to love him intimately, I.....}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I honestly don't think it's quite fair to
say you knew him half as well as I did. After all, we were engaged 'fore
he met you.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Bobby and I were living together before
he died. I think that gives me some sort of claim, don't you? Besides,
he was gonna break it off with you just as soon as he got settled.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I find that very hard to believe. We may
have been separated by a few thousand miles because of my work commitments
but spiritually we were still bonded.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well, the glue came unstuck, woman!. But
we's getting off the track a bit. This here's Bobby's night and I think
that we should bury our hatchets...er...differences, before one of us starts
saying things you'll regret.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Friends, we decided there was no better
way of showing our respect for such a great man than with a memorial tribute
performance of selections from our spectacular Bush Babies Go Broadway,
of which most of you would already have seen. But that's a little later.
Of course we ain't performed it since the great flood of 88 so occasionally
one of us may be a little rusty although y'all is never gonna know. But
please...a word of warning. Do not try this at home.}

^BOTH
^{We are professionals.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{That's true. But first here's a selection
of songs we performed years ago to huge critical acclaim.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Before one of us who shall remain nameless
decided that they wanted more than their fair share of the limelight and
opted for a solo career.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{And managed to become a big success all
over the world with millions of adoring fans, recording deals and numerous
offers of marriage from sheikhs to princes while her evil other half of
the act turned into a jealous monster with all the sexual allure of wet
washing....but I digress. Maestro... If you please.}

^{HE'S STILL WEARING OUT MY RING}

^{My man's gone and left me for another}
^{Said he couldn't take it anymore}
^{Said I was trying to drive him crazy}
^{He's had enough now he's walking out that
door}

^{He said "You only love one person for a short
time.}
^{You gotta get out and live and love most
everything.}
^{You just take what you need}
^{And make sure you don't bleed}
^{And if all else fails then start to sing."}

^{But I'll try}
^{I'll try to get over you}
^{But it's harder than most anything}
^{How do I give my heart to another man}
^{When my last one's still wearing out
my ring}

^{Now I'm sitting here in an empty bar}
^{And I'm crying into my beer}
^{My pretzels are soggy, I cannot stand up}
^{And there's vomit stains on my cashmere
[Oh dear]}

^{Well, the barman he says "Little lady,}
^{You gotta try to get over that man}
^{Just because you is hurt}
^{Don't lay down in the dirt}
^{You gotta get up; live and love while you
can}

^{So I'll try}
^{I'll try to get over you}
^{Though it's harder than most anything}
^{How do I give my heart to another man}
^{When my last one's still wearing out
my ring}

^{Now I'm walking on the street about midnight}
^{I'm not bitter but I am looking for him}
^{Though he has a new life}
^{I carry a knife}
^{Cause tonight I'm gonna cut off his ring}

^{And I'll try}
^{I'll try to get over you}
^{But it's harder than anything}
^{How could he love another man}
^{When the bastard's still wearing out
my ring}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Such a plaintive lament, don't ya' think?
Funnily enough it is also available on my long playing LP Alma May Furkenblad-
Exploding the Myth.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{More like Bursting The Bag. And what was
the meaning behind that little title? Freudian slip that one day you may
be found out for your amazing lack of talent?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Not at all. I think that deep down it takes
a woman like myself to know all about suffering.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well, you certainly look like you've done
your share, don't ya. In fact, I'd say you've manage to abuse the privilege.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{And how many albums have you recorded? One,
isn't it? I seem to remember seeing a copy in a bargain bin somewhere.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Foraging for food, were you?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{What WAS the name of that little record
you put out?}

^{BETTY JO MUMBLES SOMETHING}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{What was that, honey?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{My Heart Is Full Of Love Juice.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{That's right. [PAUSE] I thought as much.
Seeing as how this here is a tribute I want to tell you all how I first
met Bobby. I was performing in a little place in Nashville. Y'all probably
heard of it. The Grand Ol' Oprey. Well, one night on one of the many occasions
when I had whipped the crowd into a frenzy.....}

^{BETTY JO}
^{What? Threaten to sing or something?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{The crowd were hurling flowers at my feet.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Wreaths! Anyway, I've had flowers thrown
at me as well, you know.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Yes. But it don't count when they're still
in a planter box. Anyway, there I was giving my all with a stunning rendition
of 'There Goes My Everything'...}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Autobiographical, of course.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{When, half way through the chorus this huge
man in the front row decided then and there to have a seizure.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Obviously a music lover having a nervous
reaction to flat notes. I know just how he felt.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Well, it just so happens that I called out
for a doctor but there was none to be found.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Obviously they'd seen your act and were
busy preparing the wards.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Well, up jumped this gorgeous man and said
he was an ambulance driver on holiday from Australia. Well he jumped on
to that man and he hit him, pounded on his chest and gave him mouth to
mouth.....a little too long in my estimation but I thought if this man
could keep his lips down hard on a complete stranger then imagine what
he could do to the loving lips of a loving woman.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{And I bet you didn't waste any time finding
out.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Well, girl, the grass can't stay green for
the hungry herd forever.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Yes, but who wants to munch on astro-turf
when you can chew prime lawn.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{You know, I have noticed that your physical
dimensions appear to have taken a quantum leap. In fact I'd say your cups
have runneth over.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{It's better than looking like two empty
hot water bottles.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Well at least mine aren't fake. Unlike your
accent.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{My accent is totally authentic. I got it
from my trip to Nashville, Tennessee.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{And how long were you there?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Nine weeks. And where did you get yours
from?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Mine has been surgically implanted.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Along with everything else.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Speaking of which, you could use a bit of
major landscaping as well. But then they'd need a hell of a lot of landfill,
wouldn't they.}

^{YOU GOTTA GET IT UP FOR LOVE}

^{When I was a young girl there came to my
town}
^{An old carnival troupe full of men}
^{Big and beefy but stupid and yet full of
love}
^{But ya' weren't asking them to count to
ten}

^{Folks said I should marry and then settle
down}
^{Leave those carny boys roaming the west}
^{You can't travel the prairie with those
rugged boys}
^{But when night falls I still know what's
best}

^{You gotta}
^{Get it up for love just as fast as you can}
^{If you're a singer, a dancer or your own
one man band}
^{You can't blow your own trumpet without
changing hands}
^{So just get it up for love}
^{Any way that you can}

^{And for 23 years they would come by my farm}
^{They was annual as locusts and blight}
^{But under the covers they all held their
own}
^{And they'd go at it with all their might}

^{Now I'm old and the carnival's long ran to
dust}
^{And few wagon trains pass by my farm}
^{And them big hairy men they've long since
retired}
^{But I still think about all their charm}

^{BETTY JO}
^{That songs reminds me of my first husband,
Ned. He was such a passionate man.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I know...er what I mean is, I have heard
you speak of him. But I myself cannot say that I had the pleasure of his
company. I only remember that big idiot Neanderthal you married. My Lord,
was he ever a crazy son-of-a-bitch!}

^{BETTY JO}
^{That was Ned.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh, my apologies. What ever happened to
him anyway?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I'd rather not talk about it, if'n you don't
mind.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Okay. Now before we....}

^{BETTY JO}
^{He was run over by an XPT train.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{He was what?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Run over by an XPT train on a level crossing.
During the great flood of 84. Blood and stuff everywhere. You should have
seen it. Bits of flesh hanging from a tree. A breast on the bull bar.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{A breast on the where?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{He had a woman with him.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh. I'm sorry.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Large intestines indiscriminately wrapped
round the fur dice on the rear view mirror. It was disgusting.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I thought you didn't want to discuss it.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I don't. But my analyst says I should try
to get it out of my system.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh. I see. Well, getting back to the show....}

^{BETTY JO}
^{They went parking on the main western line
between Blayney and Parkes.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Who did?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Ned and this woman. But I don't want to
talk about it.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^Fine.

^{BETTY JO}
^{Never in my life did I imagine people had
so much inside them. I mean...you just don't realise until you see it spread
out like that...}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I think that's quite enough.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{You know, in a way he was a lot like Bobby.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I wouldn't say that. Bobby didn't get gravel
stuck in his knuckles.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{A lot of you may not know it but when I
met Bobby it wasn't exactly under the most auspicious of circumstances.
When that XPT train ploughed through my family's bus writing off one of
country and western music's most successful institutions Bobby was working
as an ambulance driver and was called upon to help me collect the assorted
bits and pieces of that great family. I remember me leaning down to picked
up some unrecognisable body part of my late second husband Terry's body
....or maybe it was Mitzi; the family's cattle dog; I'm not too sure but
just as I was stuffing some yucky bits into a garbage bag we caught each
other's eyes amongst all that offal and we knew right then and there that
what we had was special.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Yes...it sounds real special.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Here's a song that Bobby always liked. In
fact we used to lay in bed at night after our passion had abated and I
would croon this little song to him and put him to sleep.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I think the audience knows just how he felt.}

^{THE CRUSTY SHEETS OF LOVE}

^{Well it's five after midnight}
^{The weather's growing cold}
^{There's field mice in my slipper}
^{And the cat is growing mould}
^{And the noise from the room upstairs}
^{Makes me shiver and shake}
^{With their nightly round of bonking}
^{Christ, I wish they'd take a break}

^{Cause I think of all the times}
^{That you went and broke my heart}
^{As I was face down in the pillow}
^{And you pushed my legs apart}
^{But now the only noise from the bedroom}
^{Well it sounds just like a crack}
^{It's the crusty sheets of love}
^{Calling you back}

^{You've been looking kinda blue}
^{Since your life support went bung}
^{And I miss the grinds and humming}
^{Of your second hand iron lung}
^{Now your walking frame blocks the doorway}
^{And your truss hangs from the light}
^{As I stumbled in the dark}
^{Christ, it gave me such a fright}

^{Cause I think of all the times}
^{That your cold sores split and burst}
^{As we kissed upon the porch front}
^{I couldn't think of nothing worse}
^{But now the only noise from the bedroom}
^{Well it sounds just like a crack}
^{It's the crusty sheets of love}
^{Calling me back}

^{[Bridge] And the flaky bits of skin}
^{That I find across the floor}
^{Well, there's enough to build a snowman}
^{But if the wind blows through the door}
^{It would blow away all the memories}
^{Like the bedpan you left behind}
^{And your catheter is always on my mind}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh, honey, that was so deep. You know, being
here tonight paying tribute to Bobby kinda reminds me of MY first husband
too. His name was Jethro Spincter. The H was silent. He was a truck driver.
You know, one of them big rigs that hurtles through the night like a missile
through a Kuwaiti shopping mall. People use to say the men who drove them
things were like demons. But Jethro wasn't like that at all. In fact he
was a real gentleman. We had this cute little house up on the Bulli Pass.
Jethro built it with his own two hands. Of course I helped him a bit. Now
being in showbiz I had to rehearse quite a lot. You probably find that
hard to believe.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Not at all.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{And Jethro knew he could be a bit of a distraction
so he use to go down to the local hotel and play pool. Well one day I'm
singing away on the piano an old Patsy Cline number when all of a sudden
Jethro's truck ploughs through the front living room and demolishes the
house. I spent two hours on the operating table while they removed a piano
key from my right breast. B Flat, I think it was. Apparently his gears
failed as he was coming down the pass. Lucky for him he wasn't injured
or nothing. Otherwise I don't know what I would've done. Fortunately if
anything had happened to me, Jethro would have been quite well provided
for 'cause I have quite an hefty life insurance policy.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Whatever happened to old Jethro, anyhow.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{He has joined the choir invisible, I'm afraid.
And NOT...I might add under the most dignified of circumstances. After
our house was demolished by Jethro's truck we moved to a little ol' farm
in the country right next door to the Widow Gwenny Talbot. Well apparently
Jethro and this woman became quite close. Much closer than I had realised.
He used to say he was going over to clip her hedges but I think it was
more like buffing her veggie patch especially after he started coming home
at 4am. Well anyway...one day they were having relations in one of the
outer paddocks while I was inside baking bread. As I was giving the dough
a rigid fingering....for consistency, the police came to my front door
and said that Jethro and this woman had been mowed down by what appeared
a rogue combine harvester. They suspected foul play but to this day it
still remains a mystery.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well, that sounds just dreadful.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I know. Six weeks later I was still hosing
down that machine but it was never quite as clean after that. And you know...to
this day I can still walk through the outer paddock and find little bits
of Jethro all over the place but never the part I was really looking for.
Here's a little song for him. It's about trucks.}

^{A TRUCK DRIVING COWGIRL}

^{From the moment that you walked out my door}
^{I have known that there would be so many
more}
^{Men who come and then they go}
^{Say they love you then they blow}
^Away
^{They blow away}

^{When I first saw that look in your eyes}
^{With your head down between my thighs}
^{You were begging me to stay}
^{Still you upped and drove away}
^{In your truck}
^{What a f....pity.}

^{Now I want to be a truck driving cowgirl}
^{With my 40 wheeler hard across your back}
^{As I skid across your spine}
^{Thinking how you once were mine}
^{It's a pity you weren't better in the
sack}
^{But I'll always be a truck drivin' cowgirl}
^{In the pit-stop and the roadhouse of
your heart}
^{I'll be waiting by the road}
^{Just until you drop your load}
^{'Cause I know that like these legs we'll
never part}

^{Sometimes I'm just too blind}
^{But until my eye transplant don't be unkind}
^{Don't move the furniture on me}
^{Just because I cannot see}
^{What a trick}
^{Such a prick}

^Instrumental

^{Now as the night is stretching out ahead}
^{And my tyres squash the kangaroos long dead}
^{I will think about your smile}
^{Bigger than a count.....ry mile}
^{And you'll be back}
^{Legs in the sack}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{You know honey, I think I can honestly say
that even after all these years I've still got it.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{You sure have. I just hope there's enough
penicillin to go round.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{But you know, when I was asked to perform
here tonight I never thought that I would be sharing the stage with so
much talent.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Thank you.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Yes, he certainly is a cute piano player.
What's your name honey?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{It's Dwayne.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{You said that without moving your lips.
Is that right? Your name's Dwayne? Well that's just so ....average, I guess.
Oh, don't pay any attention to me, darlin'. I don't know what I'm saying...being
so grief stricken an' all. You understand.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well for someone whose grief stricken, you're
sure holding up well. Or is that just the face lifts.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Perhaps it would appear so to an amateur.
But deep down inside I am a raging pit of emotion.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I thought that was your stomach grumbling.
Damn. I need me a drink.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Do you think that's appropriate? It being
such a solemn night and all.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Hell, that ain't made much difference to
this lot. Besides this here's just to steady my hands.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I thought you'd clicked onto final rinse
and spin.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I have been under a great deal of pressure
lately what with Bobby's death and Ned's death and Terry's death and my
entire family's demise. This ain't exactly been my best year although you'd
never know it by my cool demeanour.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Now I hope you is all nice and comfortable.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well I don't know about nice but they certainly
look comfortable. Any more relaxed and we'd have to get a mop.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{That is beautiful. You should write children's
books.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{That reminds me. What's pink and bounces
up and down in a bassinet?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^What?

^{BETTY JO}
^{A paedophile's backside.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Isn't that someone who's into feet.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I guess.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Then I don't get it.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Neither do I, really.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Then why did you tell it?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I figured they needed some light relief.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{They've got it. It's called your act. You
know, being here tonight reminds me of that little act we had in Condobolin.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{The one in the car park.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{No, not that act. The other one. The show
in the Catholic club.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I don't think I want to talk about that
one either.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{It was the Condobolin Catholic Club. Very
chic. Such a high class clientele. They didn't have enough ashtrays so
people use to put their dentures in the tray to reserve the poker machines.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Sometimes they'd leave them there. You'd
go to pick up your winnings and end up fondling someone's upper plate.
Revolting, it was.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Betty Jo had had an unfortunate accident.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{It wasn't that bad.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{After a particularly heavy first set which
always culminated in a semi-spectacular fire eating display of which I
never felt worked, anyway, she went to pick up the fire eating juice and
grabbed her asthma spray instead.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{No-one ever told me Ventolin was flammable.
I mean how is a person supposed to know these things.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{It blew her mouth open and she got temporary
lock jaw. Now admittedly there are times when I myself have wished I could
get my jaw to stay that wide for an extended period but never when I'm
gonna sing. Only, for the rest of the evening she kept hitting this altogether
strange note.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{It was an E above C and the reason it probably
sounded strange to you was because it was in key. Right, here's a song
I first heard as a little girl when my family....}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Just sing the song, girl.}

^{THE BALLAD OF JENNY MAY}

^{There's a girl in the town; Jenny May is
her name}
^{But she's more likely called Jenny does}
^{She's seen more action than a cattle stampede}
^{And her tales set the whole West abuzz}
^{She'd waltz and she'd fox-trot and whirl
'round the floor}
^{Men lined up to give her a dance}
^{But they'd led her astray from the time
she was young}
^{And poor Jenny never had a chance}

^{Though her voice is velvet her eyes have
turned cold}
^{And she wears an old ragged gown}
^{Her hair is like midnight; her lips red
as fire}
^{As she floats like a ghost through the
town}

^{There was a young man called Dangerous Dan}
^{A handsome gunfighter but mean}
^{He could kill any man with his bad breath
alone}
^{He was unwashed and plainly obscene}
^{But when he caught sight of sad sweet Jenny
May}
^{His wild heart was thrown clear to the wind}
^{He was swept off his feet by her sad darkened
eyes}
^{The most beautiful girl he had seen (sin)-
(sic)}

^{And her voice was like velvet her eyes
were like gold}
^{And she wears an old ragged gown}
^{Her hair was like midnight; her lips
red as fire}
^{And she'd float like a ghost through
the town}

^{But Dangerous Dan had a rival in town}
^{Evil Eric was looking to kill}
^{And though he thought Jenny was a bit of
a hound}
^{He was aching for one lumpy thrill}
^{But Jenny she told him to go take a hike}
^{She had finally found her own man}
^{And she knew she would have him to dance
with till dawn}
^{And his name was Dangerous Dan}

^{Well Eric was pissed off and so was his horse}
^{So he called Dan out for a duel}
^{And when the smoke cleared there lay on
the ground}
^{Sweet Jenny May stiff as a mule}
^{She had run to protect him but she got cut
down}
^{Dan faltered then shot Eric dead}
^{He gunned down his horse and half of the
town}
^{Then put a bullet through his tormented
head}

^{And now every day around about noon}
^{As you look up towards old Boot Hill}
^{Two ghosts are out waltzing upon all the
graves}
^{Jenny May and Dan dancing still}

^{And her voice was like velvet. Her eyes
were like gold}
^{And she wore a beautiful gown}
^{They'd dance way past midnight; his arms
holding her}
^{And they'd float as ghosts through the
town}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh dear. That one took it all out of me.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Would you like a drip tray?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Bobby, honey. If'n you're listening, baby,
that one's for you.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh, that's right. Abuse the dead.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Mmmmm. You know, you ain't said much about
your travels since we got here this evening. I would've thought you'd be
bursting to tell us all how successful you've become. Since you broke up
our act.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I don't think we need to keep goin' on about
it, do you? I explained that I needed to expand a little. Why, I was like
a beautiful bird trapped in a cage.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Yeah. A turkey.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Our act was becoming, dare I say it, tasteless.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh, excuse me but I only thought that we
were entertaining our fans.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Dear heart, as an act, we ain't never had
any fans.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I am sorry but I will have to disagree.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Name one, then.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well.....What about Harry? Why, he must
have been one of our most devoted. He used to turn up at all our gigs.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{He was our only fan. Besides...he had to.
I was married to him.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh. That's right.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{But I have never been able to accept compliments
from a man that dribbled. Now that I come to think of it, that's probably
the only way we managed to have little Patty June.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Why'd you marry him then?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{It seemed like a good idea at the time.
But then my medication wore off.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{You know, I never really liked him that
much. As a matter of fact I don't think I have liked any of your husbands
of which there have been plenty and that Charlie, well he was the worst.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{He was okay.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{He had a metal plate in his head}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{He did not.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{He did too. Everybody knew about it. I heard
that every time he laid down in a bath he'd point north. I had to ask him
to stay away from the PA speakers cause he kept picking up radio signals
from Japanese fishing trawlers.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Don't you go criticising me about my husbands.
You've thrown your shrubbery down the aisle once or twice as well over
some idiot. I mean....didn't you marry a transvestite or something.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{That was Terry, my second husband and he
wasn't no transvestite. He was surgically reassigned after our marriage.
And don't start on me. Things weren't that easy for me when he died.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{How did he die?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{He was on the bus with the rest of my family
when they got hit by that XPT train.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Where were you?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{On the train. I was close to ovulating and
Terry's nail varnish always gave me headaches. I never told anyone this
but things got pretty tough after that. I was getting quite desperate.
You know I even took to becoming a woman of the night at one stage but
I quit after one night.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{What made you give it up?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I didn't have a head for the business.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{What happened.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well my first night I was standing around
talking to one of the girls when this man came up and asked me how much.
I told him it was sixty dollars. He said he only had ten dollars and asked
me what he could get for it. I told him a hand job. He said okay so off
we went. Anyway, about an hour later....}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{An hour? Why'd you take that long?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well, when we got back to my room he undressed
and well....what can I say. This man was huge.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh, dear.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{It was like a baby's arm.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{My god! What did you do?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{What could I do? I lent him fifty dollars.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Tell me. Was that just an excuse to tell
that lousy joke?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Of course it was. God knows I need the laughs.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Then take a look at your makeup.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{What's wrong with it?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{You look like Mrs Freddy Krueger.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well I guess anything's better than looking
like a plate full of tripe with lipstick! You look like you put yours on
with a Bamix.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{[TO AUDIENCE] Don't pay no mind to us. We's
so close we can say these things without flinching.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I think it's about time for a change of
pace.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Damn right! This last song before we finish
up the first half is, well, it's something we performed during the great
flood of 84,85 and 87.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{When we were still a double act.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Your needle's stuck, girl!}

^{BETTY JO}
^{But we don't want y'all to disappear cause
after the break we's gonna show you something that's gonna make you pack
your panties with disbelief.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{It's kinda like a mini musical tribute for
Bobby. It tells the rags to riches.....}

^{BETTY JO}
^{To rags again...}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Story of Lynette}

^{BETTY JO}
^{And Jism Farkle.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{That's Jasmine. You never get that right,
do you?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I know exactly what I'm saying.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{The Fabulous Farkles is a showbizness extravaganza.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Featuring costumes and everything. But that's
after the break. And now.....}

^{BLOOD ON THE FENCE}

^{There's blood on the fence}
^{There's vomit on the floor}
^{There's dog poop on the mirror of my heart}
^{I've been breaking out in blisters}
^{Since you went and bonked my sisters}
^{And then turned to me and said that we should
part}

^{Goin' away}
^{Goin' away}
^{There'll be no more hanky panky}
^{With me face down in the hay}
^{So there's blood on the fence}
^{And there's vomit on the floor}
^{Since you pulled on those trousers}
^{And you sashayed out the door}

^{Your minor indiscretions}
^{Never bothered me at first}
^{But now it's hard to forgive and forget}
^{'Cause I heard it from Narelle}
^{That you bonked our horse as well}
^{And you wonder why I'm angry and upset}

^{Goin' away}
^{Goin' away}
^{I haven't felt this lousy}
^{Since my daddy turned out gay}
^{Now there's blood on the fence}
^{And there's vomit on the floor}
^{Since you pulled on those trousers}
^{And you sashayed out the door}

^{And now you've got the gall to say}
^{That we should still be friends}
^{Like a worm you've come a'grovelling on
your knee}
^{But I've bonked your brother Hugh}
^{And he's better hung than you}
^{So don't think that you can get it over
me}

^{Gonna stay}
^{Gonna stay}
^{But if you're gonna hang around here}
^{Then it's got to be my way}
^{Now clean that blood off the fence}
^{And that vomit off the floor}
^{And if you don't put out each evening}
^{You can sashay out that door.}

^{Part Two}

^{Bush Babies Go Broadway}

^{Voice Over:}
^{Long, long ago in a small country town there
lived two sisters who shared the chores and worked their Papa's farm but
deep down they longed for the bright lights, big city world of Showbiz.
They may have shit on their shoes but they had stars in their eyes. Little
did they realise that one day their dream would come true on a golden rainbow
full of stardust. Here then is the to story of Lynette and Jism....}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{[OFF] That's Jasmine, god damn it!}

^{VOICE OVER:}
^{Lynette & Jasmine Farkle on their road
to glory as the Fabulous Farkles in Bush Babies Go Broadway!}

^{AUSSIE GIRLS}

^{I love a sunburnt country}
^{A land of sweeping plains}
^{Where the countryside for years in drought}
^{Gets flooded out by rains}
^{Where man's rapport with furry things}
^{Has a rare and special place}
^{And the men romp through the shearing shed}
^{A smile upon their face}

^{Cause I'm an Aussie girl}
^{Little old Aussie pearl}
^{I sometimes wish the universe}
^{Were one big Aussie world}
^{And even though it sounds like I've}
^{Come straight from Tennessee}
^{There ain't no bigger Aussie girl than
me}

^{I've travelled round this great big land}
^{From north, south, east and west}
^{Making people happy with the}
^{Songs that I do best}
^{I've been to Banyo, Bargo, Ando, Dargo}
^{Ramco, Cargo, Tambo, Tomago}
^{Dapto, Dingo, Brogo, Lillico}
^{Ultimo, Chilligo, Dorrigo, Dill....ston}

^{Aussie girl}
^{Little old Aussie pearl}
^{I sometimes wish the universe}
^{Were one big Aussie world}
^{And even though it sounds like I've}
^{Come straight from Tennessee}
^{There ain't no bigger Aussie girl than
me}

^{Now I know that you've been wonderin'}
^{'Bout my accent through the night}
^{But a girl ain't gonna get along}
^{Unless she's sounding right}
^{But just the same this country is the}
^{Place that'll make or break us}
^{I'll still call Australia home cause it's
the}
^{Only place that'll take us}

^{Cause we're....}
^{Aussie girls}
^{Little old Aussie pearls}
^{I sometimes wish the universe}
^{Were one big Aussie world}
^{And even though it sounds like we've}
^{Come straight from Tennessee}
^{There ain't no bigger Aussie girl than
me}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh, Jasmine. I know that we have a lot of
fun down here on the farm with the animals an'all but wouldn't it be just
scrumptious if'n some big Broadway agent could discover us and make us
both stars?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh Lynette, you know those things only happen
in Hollywood musicals. Nothing ever happens in Scumbag Corner.}

^DWAYNE
^{Hey girls. I'm a big agent. I was just passing
and heard your great singing. How would you like me to put you on Broadway?}

^{THE GIRLS SCREAM}

^BOTH
^{Broadway!? AAHHH!!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Do you hear that? He's gonna put us on Broadway.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh, my God! A big time agent. It's our big
break. We need to get an act together. There's so much to do.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{It's just so exciting I could shit!}

^{BUSH BABIES GO BROADWAY}

^{A Broadway show}
^{Well, what do ya' know}
^{We're gonna be stars on the big marquee}
^{Oh, Oh, Oh}
^{We're both gonna have our names up in lights}
^{Bigger than anything}
^{A fabulous opening night}

^{Bush Babies go Broadway}
^Broadway
^{Broadway...or bust!}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well, now. We need clothes.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^Costumes!

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well, what are we gonna wear?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^Sequins!

^{BETTY JO}
^{A stunning Broadway outfit perhaps.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Of course. With eyelashes and makeup and
moustaches.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{And greasepaint and tap shoes and all the
stretch gussets we can eat!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh, my god.}

^{Stage Johnny's are hanging round our door}
^{The smell of the greasepaint}
^{The crowd of the roar.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Don 't you think that should be the roar
of the crowd?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well, it didn't rhyme, did it!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh dear.}

^{Bush babies go Broadway}
^Broadway
^{Broadway...or bust!}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Okay. Well we've got the outfits and we
know we can work together 'cause we're friends.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{We're siblings! We've done all this before.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{We've played bigger crowds than this.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{The Tamworth Jam & Pickle Spectacular.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{There's costumes waiting backstage.}

^BOTH
^{We're going out there as friends but we're
coming back as stars.}

^{THEY BOTH RUN BACKSTAGE}

^{BETTY JO}
^{[OFF] You've got my costume, you bitch!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Stop using my hair spray.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{That's my hairbrush}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{It is not!}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Are you wearing my Bra?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh dream on, Lynette.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Gimme back my costume. What is that smell?
Do they let cattle in here?}

^{THEY BOTH COME ONSTAGE IN STUNNING OUTFITS}

^BOTH
^Bust!

^{Who would've thought}
^{That we would be caught}
^{Amongst all the glitter, my follow spot
please}
^{We've fought and fought and fought}
^{To get to this stunning stage tonight}
^{The standing ovations}
^{I guess that we're doing it right}

^{Bush babies go Broadway}
^Broadway
^{Broadway...or bust!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Okay. Well, we've got the costume. Now all
we need is an act.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I can't think.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{That's not the issue. How about...South
Pacific!}

^{BETTY JO}
^N.S.U!

^{ALMA MAY}
^{That's non-specific!}

^{BETTY JO}
^Oh.

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I've got.}

^{THE MUSIC THEME TO HAWIAII FIVE O IS HEARD
AS THEY THROW ON GRASS SKIRTS, .LAIS, ETC.}

^{LET ME PLAY WITH YOUR POI BALLS}

^{Once I visited a south sea isle}
^{And I met a native young man}
^{He just stood there with his big white smile}
^{And a somewhat darker suntan}
^{He took me into his great big arms}
^{But his lap-lap got in the way}
^{Then he showed me all of his great big charms}
^{And here's what he taught me to say}

^{Pua faka titi likima means that I love
you}
^{Waia-mua fakapu hani aha means are you
gay}
^{Pisi ofa-a kikau means no and}
^{O-Oho-O means let me play with your poi
balls}
^{And I'll give you a great lei}

^{Well he paddled me off onto a desert isle}
^{In his big long dugout canoe}
^{He took me into his small grass hut}
^{And he taught me what I should do}
^{To do it just like a native girl}
^{Needs the tongue, the hands and the hips}
^{And now just like any native girl}
^{I can sing to the visiting ships}

^{Pua faka titi likima means that I love
you}
^{Waia-mua sakapu honey aha means are you
gay}
^{Pisi ofa-a kikau means no}
^{O-Oho-O means let me play with your poi
balls}
^{And I'll give you a great lei}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Maybe that's a bit too obvious.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I'm glad we stopped. I was getting a headache.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{How about a nautical theme.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Have you got anything in mind?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I just so happen to have something prepared.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{How handy. Especially when you consider
we ain't rehearsed anything else.}

^{BETTY JO GETS AN IDEA AND RUNS OFFSTAGE}

^{MY BED HAS BEEN FULL OF SEAMEN}

^{Well, the wind she's a'blowing}
^{I stand by the shore}
^{And I'm dreaming of golden haired boys}
^{My heart she's been aching}
^{I feel old and sore}
^{No longer do I have any joy}
^{And my hair, it's been parted}
^{In so many ways}
^{Much water's passed under the bridge}
^{There's a dent in the doona}
^{That will never be filled}
^{And I'm aching just more than a smidge}

^{But the wind it will blow}
^{And those boys they will go}
^{They will kiss you and then make you
cry}
^{But I'll have a soft spot for their bright
uniforms}
^{Their big hands and their muscular thighs}
^{And I've had all those soldiers in bright
uniforms}
^{And with fly boys I'm always found dreamin'}
^{But nothing compares}
^{With the times that I've shared}
^{When my bed has been full of seamen}

^{Now there's many a girl}
^{Been swept off her feet}
^{By some debonair uniformed man}
^{But when he laid down}
^{It's a good thing to know}
^{Just exactly where he stands}

^{Now if ever you wonder}
^{If your mariner is true}
^{As my poor dear old mamma would say}
^{Just be grateful to get it}
^{At least once a month}
^{Any less and he's probably gay}

^{Now I know there are some}
^{Who may balk at my words}
^{Sometimes even I am in doubt}
^{But when old Johnny tar}
^{Is the salt in your wound}
^{It is sometimes better in than out}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I don’t know. Songs about seamen always
leave a bad taste in my mouth.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{What's with the hats?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Well Jasmine. I thought that seeing as how
it's coming up close to Christmas then perhaps we should tell that little
story we know. I've always liked it.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{What a good idea.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{But to help you we've decided to localise
it. Kinda like anaenestetic.}

^{THE CHRISTMAS STORY}
It was on a cold and snowy December night in Redfern as the clock was about to strike midnight and all the festive revellers had vacated the streets long ago in order to be home in their snug little cottages and all the little children were snug in their beds, sleeping bags or sheets of newspaper. All except little Beulah who could not sleep very well on account of the soft gentle hum of her kidney machine and the excitement of perhaps finding her new dolly; the one she had asked Santa for, for the previous 6 years running and was still hopeful of getting. From the street she could hear the local council street cleansing department, busy washing away the streamers, cans and blood from the gutters outside the Railway hotel after yet another joyous celebration and the fire department had dowsed the flames to the most recently vacated yuppie household. Beulah had so looked forward to this day ever since she could remember. She longed so much to be like all the other little boys and girls in her street. Her little dog Spot, who unfortunately had been gathered up from the gutter one day by a large street sweeper when he wasn't looking, now lay in his basket by her bed, his single remaining paw hanging over the edge of the pillow she had made for him with her feet. Her loving old grandma snored gently; her wrinkled old weather beaten face clinging to the lino on the kitchen floor. The cold night air tightened the skin on her left side which had been paralysed since the stroke which stopped her jumping up as well as she once did at the local Bingo meetings. Grandma always slept on the kitchen floor on Thursdays because it was her turn. Beulah's mummy and daddy had just gone to sleep. Beulah's daddy liked to bounce her mummy's head off the skirting boards before falling into his own vomit but they knew that this was a special night so all had retired early to await Santa's arrival and the annual police raid the next morning. It was such a pity that daddy had forgotten to take the cigarette out of his hand before nodding off but more about that later. As Beulah lay on her slab she thought she heard a noise from above the house. It was the sound of bells and could it be...Yes! It sounded like hooves. Beulah hoped the roof would be strong enough to hold such weight even though daddy had just put on the new corrugated iron roof that he had brought home from his work. The little girl was so excited her kidney machine spluttered into warp speed. At last she was going to get her dolly. Spot looked up from his basket and sensing the joy in the little girl, got so excited himself, he lost control of his bodily functions and made a small puddle on the floor. Suddenly there was a large crack which sounded to Beulah just like a reindeer hoof going right through the kitchen ceiling. And do you know what it was?......It was a reindeer hoof going through the kitchen ceiling.....followed by the rest of a reindeer which proceeded to free fall onto grandma who suffered her second and most fatal cerebral haemorrhage. Tommy rushed into Beulah's room to see if she was alright but he misjudged his entrance and slipped in Spot's puddle. He tried to keep his balance by grabbing onto the side of his sister's kidney machine but with one foot in Spot's puddle he lit up just like a Christmas tree as his eyes bugged out and little strands of smoke came from his ears. Beulah did think he looked rather funny. Suddenly she noticed the room was starting to fill with smoke. Just down the hallway, her daddy and mummy were trying to beat back the flames which had engulfed their bed. But more of that later. Outside a crowd had gathered and were looking into her house. Through the howl of police sirens and flashing blue lights she could see the police asking a large jolly man in a wine stained suit to breath into a little bag. He did look rather funny and yet somehow familiar, thought Beulah but her attention was diverted to the short sharp barking from Spot's basket. She sensed that they were both in trouble and she knew that she had to get out of the house but what could she do? She didn't have any voluntary movement in her legs. Suddenly an idea came to her. She grabbed one of the many tubes attached to her with her teeth and, wrapping it around her arm to make sure it was very tight, she yelled to Spot. "Quick, Spot... walkies!" With that, Spot grabbed the other end of her tube and proceeded to pull her out of her bed. Fortunately she didn't hurt herself because Tommy's lifeless body was there to break her fall. Spot now had a firm hold of her tubes in his mouth and with his one paw managed to move his body like a slug and drag her out of the room, into the smoke filled hallway and down towards her parents room. She lay on her back and gathering all her strength picked up Spot by the collar with her teeth and flung him at her parent's door which burst open only to find that her parents were no longer there. They must have been around though because of the two piles of barbecue beef lying on top of the doona. Quickly she realised that everyone was probably outside waiting to see Santa and they would be so pleased to see her. She aimed Spot and he dragged her towards the front door but just as they both reached it a sharp axe came through, narrowly missing her...and taking off Spot's remaining leg. The door burst open and in poured twenty firemen who trod on Spot as they made their way down the hallway. Still Spot struggled on, dragging her out onto the street where as they rested, his little body heaving with exhaustion, an ambulance backed over him. Beulah looked down the street. There was much mayhem and commotion as people ran to and fro. More police cars arrived only to be greeted by festive revellers showering them with early Yuletide gifts such as building materials, bricks, metal railway stakes and flagons of sparkling Christmas wine which burst into flame as they struck the sides of policemen's heads. As Beulah lay in the gutter she saw some policemen putting Santa into the back of one of their trucks. Obviously they were going to help him with the rest of his deliveries. Sadly it was beyond her little child's imagination to see why three of the reindeer had to be put down right in front of her. The neighbours, sensing her distress, spirited the other reindeer away to become New Years Day venison. Rudolph the Spit Roast Reindeer. It was only out of the corner of her eyes that she saw coming out of the smouldering remains of her house, a fireman carrying a large parcel wrapped in Christmas paper. He lent down, patted her on the head, gave her the parcel then walked away. Quickly she tore off the paper with her teeth to find her lovely dolly, the one she had prayed for, for so many years was now in her limp arms. It was her dolly and it didn't matter that the battery acid had leaked, making the dolly's face look like a Picasso painting with one eye on the neck and a nose like a trunk because it was Christmas morning and it was her dolly and everything was gonna be alright.

^{CHRISTMAS TIME IN NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE}

^{It's Christmas time in Nashville, Tennessee}
^{Let's bury all our differences as deep as
they can be}
^{You can pull my festive Bon-Bons}
^{But make sure that you behave}
^{[And if you] Kiss me under the mistletoe}
^{Just make sure that you shave}

^{We told a story 'bout a girl with such a
quite sad life}
^{But when we look around there's many more
who've had such strife}
^{But don't despair just because}
^{You think your gift is small}
^{You can always stuff the smallest box}
^{With the biggest gift of all}

^{It's Christmas time in Nashville, Tennessee}
^{I'll roast your nuts right by the fire}
^{And you can squeal with glee}
^{Let's deck the halls with bows of holly}
^{Drink that Yuletide wine}
^{And we'll skip over all that reindeer
crap}
^{And party one more time}

^{At Christmas time in Nashville, Tennessee}
^{My friends will come together and always
quietly}
^{Cause it's the time for remembering}
^{That very special time}
^{Where you parked the Volvo}
^{And where you put that bloody wine}

^{It's Christmas time in Nashville, Tennessee}
^{I'll roast your nuts right by the fire}
^{And you can squeal with glee}
^{Let's deck the halls with bows of holly}
^{Drink that Yuletide wine}
^{And we'll skip over all that reindeer
crap}
^{And party one more time}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{That's it. That's what it's gonna be. A
show with everything.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I don't believe it. This is really happening.
Our Big Chance!}

^{THOSE FABULOUS BROADWAY SONGS}

^{I really think that we have made it}
^{I guess we always knew we would}
^{And though we're still just old home girls}
^{We've kicked off the cow dung and made}
^Good

^{Two country girls come from humble beginnings}
^{We got our big break and now we'll try}
^{We've scrubbed every inch and hole we have}
^{With glamour, and stardust in our}
^Eyes
^{[And we can sing]}

^{Those fabulous Broadway songs}
^{You just couldn't help but sing along}
^{No matter how you tried}
^{And we don't care what kinda crap we
sing}
^{Andrew Lloyd Webber or anything}
^{Just give us that stardust or we'll die.}

^{Some enchanted evening you may see a stranger}
^{Maybe this time I'll be lucky}
^{Tonight, Tonight}
^{Maria Maria Maria Maria}
^{Isn't it rich. Isn't it queer}
^{Losing my timing this late in my career}
^{I think I'm losing my mind}
^{And I am telling you that I am not going}
^Midnight

^{On Broadway}
^{On Broadway}
^{On Broadway}
^BROADWAY

^{VOICE OVER}
^{Ladies and gentleman, just about to start
in our children's shoes department we have live and onstage Fat Cat and
Friends......and their support will be The Fabulous Farkles. Thank you
for shopping Grace Bros. Broadway.}

^BOTH
^{Son-Of-A-Bitch!!!!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I knew it was a mistake. Why in God's name
did I ever listen to you in the first place? Tell me that!}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh, do you mind!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{It's just typical, isn't it.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{What is?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{You always mess things up.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh, piss off.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{[Puzzled] What? That's not in the show.}

^{BETTY JO}
^What?

^{ALMA MAY}
^{[DROPPING HER CHARACTER] That line. You're
not suppose to say that.}

^DWAYNE
^{[DROPPING CHARACTER] She's right. You're
suppose to say "Well, what are we gonna do now?" Not piss off!}

^{BETTY JO}
^{[DROPPING CHARACTER] I hate that line.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{You're suppose to stick to the script.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Who's gonna notice? Them?}

^DWAYNE
^{Excuse me but if you two aren't gonna do
it the way we rehearsed I'm going to Club 80.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{You sit there and don't move.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Stop telling him what to do. Maybe I'll
join him.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I don't know what you two but we're suppose
to finish this show.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I'm getting tired of this show. I want do
something else. Why couldn't I have gotten a part in Into The Woods or
something. Just like Rhonda Burchmore. "I wish, I wish I had some talent."}

^DWAYNE
^{You think it's easy for me having to listen
to the same crap from you two night after night. I'm the one who has to
play this crummy music. All you've got to do is move around a bit and stay
in key....Which you don't do too often, anyway.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Look, can we get on with this.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I don't know why you're getting worked up.
I mean, it's not as if you're the star or anything.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh, then who is?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I am, of course.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{And what am I?}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Supporting cast.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh, really? [TO DWAYNE] Did you hear that?
Little Miss Know it all thinks I'm just supporting cast.}

^DWAYNE
^{Well, you are.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Oh, get stuffed, will you! Who asked you
anyway?! As for you, you're nothing but a fat little drag-queen!}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Oh! How dare you. I happen to be serious
entertainer.}

^{ALMA MAY & DWAYNE}
^Wanker!

^{BETTY JO}
^{Whinge all you want but it still doesn't
change the fact that you're not the star of this show.}

^DWAYNE
^{Look, I'm the one with the most work to
do so I should be the star.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Typical musician. Always wants the biggest
part.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Yeah, well, from what I hear it's the only
big part he's got.}

^DWAYNE
^{Who told you that?!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{[POINTING TO BETTY JO] He did! He shares
your dressing room.}

^{THERE IS GENERAL ABUSE AS THE ACTORS FORGET
THE AUDIENCE COMPLETELY AND START HAVING A FIERCE ARGUMENT. AFTER A FEW
MOMENTS THEY REALISE THAT THE AUDIENCE IS STILL THERE. THEY BECOME EMBARRASSED}

^{BUSH BABIES REPRISE}

^{Who would've thought}
^{That we would be caught}
^{Amongst all the glitter, our follow spots
please}
^{We've fought and fought and fought}
^{But we're on this stunning stage tonight}
^{Now where's the ovation}
^{I know that we're doing it right}

^{Bush babies go Broadway}
^Broadway
^{Broadway...or bust!}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{Thank you, thank you and thank you. Now
I hope that you have enjoyed yourselves almost as much we have enjoyed
having your money.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Damn right! And if'n you're ever in this
neck of the woods next year then make sure you check out our big opening......er,
of our new show , that is.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{There's so many people to thank. Thanks
to Dwayne for almost completely keeping in key. I hope that come next year
you'll have progressed to two chords.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{I warned you.}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{I also want to thank Bobby. For dying. Because
it was his death that brought us all together and made me feel all moist
with emotion.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{You want a chux super wipe?}

^{ALMA MAY}
^{And most of all I want to thank Betty Jo.
It's been great having her back up here with me...as my support.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{Support!? Right! That does it. I'm getting
my gun. I've taken all I can from this bitch.}

^{BETTY JO STORMS THROUGH THE AUDIENCE. ALMA
MAY STARTS TO SING AS ‘YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE.” BETTY JO STOPS AND TURNS.
AS THE GIRLS MOVE AROUND DWAYNE, SINGING, ALMA MAY ACCIDENTALLY PULLS SOMETHING
OUT OF DWAYNE'S POCKET.}

^{BETTY JO}
^{It's Bobby's g-string!}

^BOTH
^{Son of a bitch!!!!!}

^{END OF SHOW}

^ENCORE

^{MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE JUICE}

^{You're the devil's holy roller}
^{You're as sweet as apple pie}
^{You're the crusty bit of cheese I like}
^{The pig that hogs my sty}
^{And my heart is full of love juice}
^{Are you juicing for me too}
^{Why don't we juice together}
^{In a doona made for two}

^{One day as I was walking}
^{Past the corner sex-aid store}
^{You rushed right out and knocked me to the
ground}
^{But the moment that I saw your eyes}
^{From the gutter where I lay}
^{I knew that come one day we'd be love bound}

^{I've never met a man like you before.}
^{You're different from the rest}
^{It's not your club foot or the hump that's
on your back}
^{Nor the leg that you've got missing}
^{Though I must say you're a sight}
^{But I knew one day we'd hobble down love's
track}

^CHORUS

^{The day I brought you home for tea}
^{My parents were surprised}
^{When you put one of your crutches through
the door}
^{But I never thought I'd be able}
^{To show my face again}
^{When your colostomy bag fell out and soaked
the floor}

^{My daddy was impressed}
^{I could see it in his eyes}
^{When you threw up on his shirt front as
you ate}
^{When you broke wind; belched and kicked
the dog}
^{And when dessert arrived}
^{You dropped your pants and you stuck it
in the cake!}

^CHORUS

^{The day that we got married}
^{All my friends they stayed away}
^{They were jealous of how happy I could be}
^{But I guess I'm glad they weren't there}
^{When you lost your right glass eye}
^{And your club foot snagged on the pew and
you fell on me}

^{Now the years have passed and though}
^{Some other limbs have gone their way}
^{We have managed to save our marriage with
all our might}
^{Everyday I wake with mortal dread}
^{And pull back on the sheets}
^{To see if anything has dropped off in the
night}

^{REPEAT CHORUS}