Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.

This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
 

Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O. Box 445, Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone 61 2  9281 9622
Fax 61 2   9212 7100
raftos@raftos.com.au
 

Copyright © Steven Dawson 1991.

Characters

Alan
Phillip
Gerald
Dougie
Barry
Danny
Colin/Michael
 

First Performance
August 7, 1991
Stables Theatre
Sydney, Australia
 
 
 

Cast As Follows
 

Alan	Adam Stone
Colin/Michael	John Price
Phillip	David Brown
Gerald	Geoffrey Harford
Dougie	Peter Bodnar
Barry	Robert Shea
Danny	Jamie Oxenbould
Directed by	Stuart Chalmers
Set & Costume Designer	Terry Ryan
Lighting Designer	Shane Stephens
Stage Manager	Kaarin Dombrowski

PROLOGUE

THERE IS THE SOUND OF WAVES IN THE BACKGROUND. A SMALL SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON ALAN.

ALAN
[CALLING OUT] Michael!

ANOTHER SMALL SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON MICHAEL. HE IS WEARING A PAIR OF SPEEDOS AND HE IS SOAKING WET FROM JUST HAVING A SWIM. THEY DO NOT FACE EACH OTHER. HE YELLS LOUDER.

Michael!

MICHAEL
What!

ALAN
Don't you dare scream at me.

MICHAEL
Well, what do you want?

ALAN
We have to go.

MICHAEL
One last dip.

ALAN
No, we'll be late. It's gonna take us an hour to get home as it is and we have to be at Barry and Danny's by eight.

MICHAEL
I don't care. Come on....come and have a swim with me. You've hardly been in the water.

ALAN
No thank you. I'm always afraid if I go near the water some conservationist will push me back in saying "Keep her wet, keep her wet".

MICHAEL
Just come in for a moment.

ALAN
No. Did you know there were men, humping away behind those rocks over there?

MICHAEL
Really? That's disgusting. [BEAT] Where?

ALAN
Just over past those rocks....and never you mind.

MICHAEL
Maybe we picked the wrong place. Let's move over near the rocks.

ALAN
No....come on. Get dressed.

MICHAEL
Ow!

ALAN
What's the matter?

MICHAEL
A stitch, I think.

ALAN
Are you alright now?

MICHAEL
Yeah....Look at this. [HE POSES] Doesn't this body drive you wild?

ALAN
It drives me to drink. Don't be such a show-off. If you're gonna have a swim then hurry up or I'm going without you.

MICHAEL
If you're nice to me I'll let you bury me in the sand.

ALAN
Only if it's face down.

MICHAEL
Come for a swim.

ALAN
I don't want to. I sink, remember.

MICHAEL
I'll take care of you.

ALAN
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of but I ain't playing Harold Holt for you. The last thing I need is to be washed up on some foreign beach with seaweed in my shorts, thanks very much.

MICHAEL
I won't let anything happen to you. I'll hold on to you.

ALAN
Yeah?

MICHAEL
Always. Come on in.

MICHAEL RUNS OFF

ALAN
Alright. But don't go out too far, Michael. Oh, wait for me, you mongrel, wait for me!
 

THE SOUND OF THE SURF BUILDS UP AS THE LIGHT FADES.
 

ACT ONE
 

THE SOUND OF WAVES FADES. A SMALL SPOT COMES UP ON ALAN IN A KIMONO DRESSING GOWN.

ALAN
Alright, I went to see your mum and dad. It was okay except that they didn't say boo to me for about an hour. I guess they have enough to remind them of you about the house without my being shoved down their throats as well. One thing I did notice was that photo of you in your swimmers when we went down to the Royal National Park wasn't there anymore. Well, it's gone. I couldn't see it anywhere. I remember it used to be on top of their television but it wasn't there this time. It was a good photo too. I remember because I took it. So we had some talk about what I was doing with myself these days but I could tell they weren't interested. I know they don't have to like me but do they have to make it so obvious. Anyway I'm not going back there again. As you always said, "They can well and truly go fuck themselves!" At least I think you use to say that. Maybe it was me. But all the way home I kept thinking about that photograph and how you looked in those Speedos. I don't think I have any of those shots of you like that and do you think I could find the negative! Why didn't I take some shots of you starkers. You...not me! Give me something to wank over. I still had a wank anyway just thinking about that photo of you in the Speedos. [MUSIC FILTERS IN FAINTLY OF STRAUSS' FOUR LAST SONGS "BIEM SCHLAFENGEHEM] I use to watch you just standing there and I'd think I was the luckiest bastard alive. When we went out to the bars or whatever, people always stared at you. They never stared at me first glance. It was always as an afterthought. Well that's me, dear. An after thought. And don't say you never noticed them because I always saw the glazed over look in your eyes. The way you use to position yourself just so they'd get a better eyeful. You were such a conceited bastard sometimes. And I'd get so jealous, do you remember? You never said anything though. You'd just let me stew for hours and then I'd feel like it was all my fault. But then after awhile I figured it out. I had you. They didn't. Even when you were sick I used to get horny just looking at you. I never told you that, did I? It didn't matter that you were all bones. Not to me. All the important bits were still there. At least as far as I could remember. I just wanted to make love to you the way we used to for hours when we first met. Not the quick gropes for five minutes it ended up like after a few years. I could close my eyes and dream it was still you the way you were before you got sick. When we use to lay in bed and have a candle burning by the bed and we'd wrap up in the doona. Sometimes you would pull the covers over my head and cut the cheese talking about Auschwitz and Dutch ovens. God but you were revolting sometimes! Still, you always made me laugh. But then there were times when we would just lay there and hold each other and kiss. You'd put on some classical shit like Strauss and I'd drift off and we'd make love so slowly it was like a dream and nothing seemed real anymore. It felt like we were the only two people left in the world and we'd touch and flow like some kind of ocean tide. [PAUSE THEN THE MUSIC STOPS  SUDDENLY] Shit! How Jane Olivor can you get! I better get ready. Tonight I dine with coyotes....and may the food be sweet, the atmosphere; warm and the company; kind. [PAUSE] Fat chance!

BLACKOUT
 

MUSIC FILTERS THROUGH OF JANE OLIVOR SINGING ALWAYS CHASING RAINBOWS. THE LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY ON A SMALL APARTMENT IN SYDNEY RESPECTABLY FURNISHED WITH A SOFA IN THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE; TWO MATCHING CHAIRS ON EITHER SIDE; A SMALL COFFEE TABLE DOWNSTAGE CENTRE. TO THE RIGHT OF THE STAGE IS A SMALL DRINKS TABLE AND NEXT TO IT, STEREO. THE FRONT DOOR IS UPSTAGE NEXT TO IT. THE OTHER DOOR STAGE LEFT LEADS TO THE BEDROOM. BEYOND THE SOFA IS A KITCHEN/DINING AREA. THE ROOM IS SLIGHTLY MESSY WITH OLD RECORD COVERS, CUSHIONS, NEWSPAPERS, ETC. IN THE CENTRE OF THE COFFEE TABLE IS A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH OF MICHAEL. AS THE LIGHTS COME UP WE SEE ALAN; A YOUNG MAN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES STANDING BY THE STEREO HOLDING THE RECORD COVER IN ONE HAND AND A GLASS IN THE OTHER. THE SONG COMES TO AN END.

ALAN
Oh! sing it, bitch!

HE PICKS UP THE RECORD BUT DROPS IT.

Oh shit! That's Danny's record. He's gonna burst his bag.

HE PICKS UP THE RECORD AND WIPES IT ACROSS HIS HIP

I know. If he tries to play it I'll tell him the stereo's broken.

HE REPLACES THE RECORD ON THE TURNTABLE. THE BUZZER SOUNDS. ALAN ANSWERS IT

Who is it?

VOICE
[OFF] It's me.

ALAN
Oh! Phillip, just a minute. Er..I was in the shower.

HE STARTS TRYING TO CLEAN UP THE FLAT.

VOICE
[OFF] Don't bother cleaning up, Lana. Just let me in.

ALAN BUZZES HIM IN. PHILLIP ENTERS.

PHILLIP
Don't tell me. I know I'm early. I got a cab. I just had to get out of that bloody flat. Barry's gone on one of her house moving benders again. Wanted to move the furniture 40 minutes before we're suppose to leave. I said to him, I said "Barry, wait till tomorrow. We're gonna be late . We're suppose to be at Alan's at eight." He says "Oh, it's just the lounge. It keeps getting hit by the sun everyday. It'll fade and lose all it's colour." So he moves the lounge and then decides that the chairs look strange where they are. Then the fern was too close to the coffee table to give the right effect. He said it was leaning to one side. I was going to say something filthy but you know he never gets my jokes. He says if anyone sits down on the coffee table they get attacked by the plant. "Bit like a Triffid" he says. "Bit like a dickhead" I said. He pouts and starts pounding the cushions And of course David just stands there with that stupid "Well, you said he could move in" look on his face. It's times like that I could smack his chops. I can't understand how anyone could have Barry as a boyfriend. It's no wonder Danny kicked him out. I tell you, the schmuck who has a bank manager for a boyfriend deserves everything they get. Anyone as boring as that has got to be a frustrated interior decorator just dying to paint the backdrop for a grotty production of Naughty Marietta in the local musical society. [HE FINALLY NOTICES WHAT ALAN IS WEARING] Why aren't you dressed?

ALAN
Fine thanks, Phillip. How are you?

PHILLIP
Don't be a martyr, Lana. You're not ready to go out.

ALAN
I'm just running a little late, that's all.

PHILLIP
Well, thank Christ for that. I thought for a moment you were going as Madame Butterfly and we'd have to pack the cutlery.

ALAN
Whose car are we going in? Don't forget mine is still in the garage getting your bump out of my fender.

PHILLIP
Don't keep bringing that up again. What can I say? I was on drugs. Who's not drinking at the moment?

ALAN
That depends. Who's on penicillin this week?

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER

BOTH
Danny.

PHILLIP
I swear he just has to wave his dick in the air and he gets a dose.

ALAN
He's done that often enough. So have you as well.

PHILLIP
Anything for a free drink.

ALAN
We know.

PHILLIP
Thank you very much but I was referring to Danny.

ALAN
Nothing worse than a tight northern suburbs queen.

PHILLIP
That's a bit harsh, dear. Is something wrong?

ALAN
No, nothing. Why?

PHILLIP
Well, you're not usually that eager to fling the ka-ka.

ALAN
I'm just a bit uptight, that's all. I'm not sure I feel like going out tonight. It's been a while.

PHILLIP
Don't be such a tit! It's been six months. Too long, I know. You need this. We ALL need this. And don't forget we're doing this for your benefit. So smile, try to look happy and pretend you're enjoying yourself. Otherwise I'll wait for you to get pissed and kick the shit out of you!

ALAN
Choice.

PHILLIP
I have my moments.

ALAN
I'm surprised you can even remember them.

PHILLIP
I don't. I leave that for bitches like you.

ALAN
I still remember you pulling your undies over your head in the middle of Oxford Street.

PHILLIP
Oh don't exaggerate. [BEAT] They weren't mine anyway. They were someone else's.

ALAN
Oh, that's right. Then you ended up here on my sofa at 2.30 in the morning not daring to go home to Daisy and face almost certain divorce.

PHILLIP
I know, I know. And you covered for me.

ALAN
And I covered for you, yes! But just remember, one word to implicate me in your sordid little life and Daisy gets it all in glorious technicolour.

PHILLIP
It's such a pity your sister died in that accident and not you.

ALAN
What accident?

PHILLIP
When that house landed on her and someone stole her ruby slippers!

ALAN
I'm just amazed he hasn't caught on to you yet.

PHILLIP
He won't. I have a very close sister who wouldn't dare spill the beans. As far as Daisy is concerned, any night I'm out late, I'm with you.

ALAN
You think it's easy looking him straight in the face and lying to him because his boyfriend's turned into Superslut.

PHILLIP
There could be a microwave oven in your Christmas stocking, this year.

ALAN
The things I do for a major appliance.

PHILLIP
He wouldn't believe you anyway.

ALAN
Why not?

PHILLIP
Because it's totally beyond him to do anything with anyone else and he thinks the same about me.

ALAN
Well that's very Melanie Hamilton of him, isn't it?

PHILLIP
It works out. Now enough talking about moi. What are we going to do about you?

ALAN
What do you mean?

PHILLIP
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, tonight, of course. We's got to find you a new gentleman caller or everyone's gonna know you're a cripple, Laura.

ALAN
I'm not going out looking for anyone.

PHILLIP
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] An' ah told you an' ah done tol' you, sugar, you's gots to find yourself a man or'n folks is gonna starts to callin you a lesbian!

ALAN
I'm just out for dinner and a little dancing, that's all. And the way I feel at present I don't even want to do that!

PHILLIP
What are you gonna do? Lock yourself up?

ALAN
Why not?

PHILLIP
Don't be so bloody stupid! You've been cooped up in this flat for four months and there's no excuse anymore. Michael's gone, honey, and there ain't nothing you can do about it. You gotta get on with your life. [PAUSE] Shit, I'm starting to sound like a social worker.

ALAN
It takes a while, okay, Phillip?

PHILLIP
Bullshit! Don't you use that excuse on me. The way you go on you'd think  you're the only person who's ever lost someone. I've been through it too. Most of this town has. When Leslie died I was a wreck. But I'm sure he wouldn't want me sitting around in black for the rest of my life...even if black is my best colour. Come to think of it, maybe he would. He never could stand to see me enjoy myself. That's why he always laid on his stomach BUT that's beside the point, you do the grieving and then move on. That's what it's all about. And that's what we're gonna do tonight. Me and all your Monday night friends. We're gonna drag, and I use that term loosely, that miserable wreck of a body of yours out for a night on the town and you're gonna have so much fun, you'll be begging us to slap you! Okay?

ALAN
I suppose.

PHILLIP
Always were a gem with the replies. Come on. Get ready. Everyone's gonna be here soon.

ALAN
Where are we eating?

PHILLIP
Danny's booked us into some new place some queen's just opened. It's called Il Cavallo Ben Dotato.

ALAN
What's it mean?

PHILLIP
The Well Hung Horse, I think.

ALAN
Tasteful.

PHILLIP
Never could resist a faggy name. But I kept telling her, just because they're gay doesn't mean they can cook! Just take a look at Dougie. I'm still recovering from his last dinner party. The gravy took the colour out of my tie. Oh, and by the way, she's found herself a new beau.

ALAN
Who? Dougie?

PHILLIP
Uh-huh . A barman. Comes from out west.

ALAN
What's this one like then?

PHILLIP
Oh, you know...

BOTH
Tall.

ALAN
They always are.

PHILLIP
This one's a real shit-kicker, so I've been told. Built like a German Female Javelin thrower.

ALAN
A new one every week. How does he do it?

PHILLIP
With a milk crate, I expect.

ALAN
Well, at least he won't crease his Levis.

PAUSE

PHILLIP
I don't get it.

ALAN
Think about it.

PHILLIP
I'd rather not.

THE BUZZER SOUNDS AND STARTS TO GO INTO A RHYTHM. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

BOTH
Gerald.

PHILLIP
I thought he was away.

ALAN
[BUZZING HIM IN] So did I.

PHILLIP SIGNALS FOR THEM BOTH TO HIDE BEHIND THE SOFA. GERALD ENTERS WEARING FLORAL SHIRT AND MATCHING SHORTS. HE IS CARRYING A SUITCASE. ALAN AND PHILLIP JUMP UP AND FRIGHTEN HIM.

BOTH
Hi, Geraldine!!

THE SMILE DISAPPEARS QUICKLY FROM HIS FACE. HE PUTS DOWN HIS SUITCASE.

GERALD
[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Hi Alan. Hello Phillip. How are we all?

PHILLIP
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Why, we's jus' fine, Geraldine. How are you?

GERALD
Phillip, don't call me Geraldine.

PHILLIP
Fine with me, Gillian.

GERALD
I ain't no girl. Boy that gets on my tits.

PHILLIP
Bouncy, bouncy.

GERALD KISSES ALAN ON THE CHEEK

GERALD
Hello, gorgeous. How's it hanging?

PHILLIP
Oh, God. The butch brigade's arrived.

GERALD IS ABOUT TO KISS PHILLIP ON THE CHEEK THEN DECIDES TO MESS UP HIS HAIR.

Not the hair, not the hair! I've just had it sand-blasted, you poxy slag.

GERALD
I see Cruella Deville time-warped in again.

PHILLIP
On the look-out for stray dogs, honey. Busy tonight?

GERALD
I reckon that's just about your level.

PHILLIP
Woof!

GERALD SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWNSTAGE RIGHT.

ALAN
How was the trip, Gerald?

GERALD
Really good, thanks.

PHILLIP
Short break from space-waitressing was it?

GERALD
Phillip, I happen to take my job very seriously. Being a flight attendant's not as easy as you seem to think. If you mean how is my job, it's shithouse! But I think I'll be in line for a promotion pretty soon.

PHILLIP
Oh, my lord, they're gonna move him up to First Class. My, my, this boy's going places. Well, the sky's the limit, if you'll pardon the pun. We're gonna have to watch this one. Here we go. And the exits are there, there, there and there.

HE MIMES PUSHING A TROLLEY AND THE AIRPLANE EXITS ROUTINE THEN SITS DOWN.

GERALD
Cute. You should get yourself a club act.

PHILLIP
Sweetheart, I am a club act.

ALAN
Been somewhere tropical, Gerald?

GERALD
How'd you know that?

ALAN
Took a punt, I guess.

GERALD
Yeah. I spent a week on the Gold Coast. I only remembered the dinner party this afternoon. Totally forgot about it.

PHILLIP
So what else is new.

GERALD
So I jumped on the first plane home. I love our Monday nights. Wouldn't miss one for the world. Good to see you've joined the land of the living again, Alan.

PHILLIP ALMOST CHOKES ON HIS DRINK.

GERALD
Oh, shit, Alan,...I didn't mean anything...like...I wasn't trying to be funny ...Sorry...er, look, Alan, do you mind if  I borrow one of your shirts? All my clothes are filthy. Or do you think I could get away with this?

PHILLIP
Oh, I think that would be perfect.

ALAN
I'll get you one.

ALAN GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. PHILLIP POINTS TO THE SOFA SEAT NEXT TO HIM AND GERALD SITS DOWN.

PHILLIP
Gerald, honey, mind if I ask you a question?

GERALD
[SUSPICIOUSLY] What?

PHILLIP
Tell me. Out of all the places in the world you can fly to, why is it you would pick the Gold Coast?

GERALD
I don't like flying that much.

PHILLIP
You're an airline steward and you don't like flying. Of course. Silly me.

GERALD
No, what I mean is, I can't relax around foreigners. They're not exactly the nicest sort of people.

PHILLIP
[SENDING HIM UP] Der....That's why they're called foreigners, honey. It sort of comes with the territory.

THEY START TICKLING EACH OTHER. PHILLIP JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM AS ALAN COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM WITH A SHIRT.

ALAN
Here you are, Gerald. Leave him alone, Phillip.

PHILLIP
[HOLDING UP HIS HANDS] Do you see any blood?

ALAN
Not through that cheap nail varnish.

PHILLIP
Jungle red.

GERALD CHANGES INTO HIS SHIRT

PHILLIP
Oooh, don't rush it, honey. In this light you can hardly see the Velcro holding it all together.

ALAN
Been working out, Gerald?

GERALD
Oh, you can tell?

BOTH
No.

GERALD
I hate it when you guys do that.

ALAN
Would anyone like a drink?

GERALD
No, thanks.

PHILLIP
I will.

ALAN
Did I have to ask?

HE GOES TO THE DRINKS TABLE

GERALD
Is everyone coming tonight?

PHILLIP
As far as we know.

GERALD
Great. It'll be just like old times, won't it.

ALAN
I doubt it.

PHILLIP
Shut up.

GERALD
Oh, will...er...Dougie be here, then? Yeah, I guess he would be, wouldn't he?

PHILLIP
Of course he will be, you putz. It's our Monday night. Dougie is part of the group, you know.

ALAN
Down, fang.

PHILLIP
You seem a tad bothered, Geraldine.

GERALD
What? Er...No I'm not. Why d'you say that?

PHILLIP
You've gone a touch Blanche Du Bois, all of a sudden.

ALAN
Just a little jet lag. Isn't that right, Gerald?

GERALD
Yeah, of course. Jet lag.

PHILLIP
From a one hour flight?

GERALD
I haven't been sleeping much lately.

BOTH
Slut.

PHILLIP
Geraldine, are you keeping something from your aunt Phyllis? Something I should know about?

GERALD
No. Of course not. Why? Did Dougie said anything?

PHILLIP
I haven't seen her in weeks.

GERALD
Oh, well, that's alright then.

PHILLIP IS JUST ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN THE BUZZER RINGS. GERALD GETS UP

GERALD
I'll get it.

HE GOES AND BUZZES THE DOOR OPENS. DOUGIE SCREAMS IN. A SHORT MAN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES. STANDING NEXT TO HIM IS COLIN; A MUCH TALLER MAN, THE SAME ACTOR AS MICHAEL. GERALD IS IMMEDIATELY ATTRACTED TO HIM.

DOUGIE
Hello, Geraldine.

HE GETS NO RESPONSE FROM GERALD SO HE SWEEPS INTO THE ROOM. COLIN STANDS JUST INSIDE THE DOORWAY NEXT TO GERALD.

Phyllis sweetheart. So good to see you up and about. Though I'm surprised you got your walking frame up all those stairs.

PHILLIP
Fuck you.

DOUGIE
Now I've told you before, don't try to hide your convent education. Our Lady of The Sacred Bleeding Armpits is written all over the front of your pinny. Alan, precious, as usual you'll be able to bring a little class to this menagerie of misfits, tonight. [HE TURNS TO GERALD] How are you, Geraldine? [THEY GO TO EMBRACE THEN DOUGIE CUTS HIM OFF] Oh, dear, I almost forgot.

HE GOES TO COLIN AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE ROOM

Everyone, I'd like you to meet Colin. Colin... everyone. Lana, Phyllis and Geraldine.

THEY ALL MUMBLE THEIR HELLOS

DOUGIE
Aren't they the most wordy bunch? Normally you can't turn them off.

PHILLIP
You've never had that problem, have you dear?

ALAN
Down, girls.

DOUGIE
Isn't Colin a dish, ladies? I met him at the pub. He's the new barman. First time in the big smoke. I took one look at him then melted. We just stood there gazing into each other's eyes.

PHILLIP
Until someone told you to get off the counter.

DOUGIE IGNORES HIM

DOUGIE
I swear it was love at first sight.

PHILLIP
Oh, my lord, they're gonna start having babies.

DOUGIE
Jealous?

PHILLIP
Not at all. I find the thought of going to bed with you utterly repulsive.

DOUGIE
If you're going to take cheap shots then have the decency to put your dentures in, dear. It's hard to understand you when you mumble and Colin has a slight hearing problem.

PHILLIP
Run out of cripples this week, dear?

DOUGIE
Well, if I wanted a sexual cripple I'd know just where to look.

ALAN
Don't take any notice of them, Colin. They're always like this. Deep down they really care for each other

PHILLIP
Of course. We're just like sisters.

DOUGIE
Siamese. Joined at the shoulder pad.

PHILLIP
Pass me the machete.

DOUGIE
Colin's not really a barman. He's just earning a little extra money. Actually, he's a student.

ALAN
Oh, yes? What are you studying, Colin?

DOUGIE
He's going to be an actor. Isn't that too sweet?

PHILLIP
Dreamy.

COLIN
I'm just doing classes, that's all. I don't even know if it's what I want to do.

DOUGIE
But he's so talented. [TO PHILLIP] In all departments. You watch. One day some big agent is bound to notice him and then it'll be stage door johnnies every night clambering for his autograph...

COLIN
I really don't think...

DOUGIE
And I'll be just another Chekhov widow staring off into the distance.

ALAN
Oh, Jesus.

PHILLIP
Quick. Get me a bucket.

DOUGIE
Will a trough do?

ALAN
Colin, why don't you sit down.

COLIN
Thanks.

COLIN SITS IN THE CHAIR DOWNSTAGE RIGHT.

ALAN
Can I get you a drink, Colin?

DOUGIE
Bourbon, dear. Lots of ice. That's for me.

ALAN
Colin?

COLIN
Beer, if you have any.

ALAN
Sure. Anyone else?

PHILLIP
Make mine a triple.

ALAN
Of?

PHILLIP
Don't get fussy.

DOUGIE
Oh, it's going to be one of them nights again, is it?

PHILLIP
Does the Pope shit in the woods? [HE LOOKS AT COLIN] Is it me or....no ....never mind.

ALAN
What?

PHILLIP
It's just that...excuse me, Colin, but you look like someone we know.

GERALD
[EXCITED] He looks like Michael.

DOUGIE
That's what I said the first time I met him. I said "Doesn't he look like Michael?"

ALAN
Not really. I don't think so.

PHILLIP
Well I think it's uncanny.

ALAN TURNS TO THEM WITH A SAVAGE LOOK IN HIS EYES.

DOUGIE
[CHANGING THE SUBJECT QUICKLY] Mm-mm. I must say I've missed our Monday nights, Alan. You don't mind my bringing Colin along tonight, do you? I know it's our first night back and all but this is Colin's one evening off and I couldn't leave baby sitting at home all on his lonesome. Say you don't mind.

ALAN
Why should I mind? You're quite welcome to come along, Colin.

GERALD
That's for sure!

THEY ALL LOOK AT GERALD; SURPRISED BY HIS OUTBURST

Er...what I mean is...er...the more the merrier, right?

PHILLIP
I think Geraldine is forming eggs.

COLIN
Dougie told me you all use to go out every Monday night. That must be great. I feel a bit like an intruder. You sure you don't mind my coming along?

DOUGIE
Of course they don't. You don't know this group. They thrive on new blood. Just keep your collar high.

PHILLIP
And your pants low.

COLIN
I'll remember. It's really nice meeting you all. I don't know that many people in the city.

PHILLIP
How long have you been here?

COLIN
Two weeks.

PHILLIP
Jesus! Dorothy didn't take long to pounce.

ALAN
Never does.

DOUGIE
Watch it.

GERALD
Where are you from?

COLIN
Middle of the state. Small town. You wouldn't know it. I guess the biggest place I've ever been to is Dubbo.

PHILLIP
So you really are a shitkicker. Oh this is prime. Well, Dougie, you've outdone yourself this time.

DOUGIE
Why don't you just do yourself this time, queen.

GERALD
I come from a small town.

PHILLIP
Don't we know it.

DOUGIE
Where are the rest of the girls?

ALAN
They'll be here.

PHILLIP
Barry's probably tearing up the carpets as we speak.

ALAN
Oh, Danny called earlier. He wanted to know if it would be alright for him to bring someone along.

DOUGIE
Who?

ALAN
He didn't say. Someone he met at the pub, I think.

PHILLIP
Well, what did you say?

ALAN
I said I didn't think anyone would mind.

PHILLIP
Oh Jesus. Well you can break it to Barry. You know how thingy he gets about the inner sanctum. [REFERRING TO COLIN] It's gonna be hard enough explaining lover-boy over there.

ALAN
I can handle him.

DOUGIE
So can I. As long as I'm using surgical tongs.

PHILLIP
Leave your nipple clamp fetish out of this, Dorothy.

ALAN
I heard he uses clothes pegs.

PHILLIP
Only when he has to improvise.

GERALD
And that's when they're still on the line.

THEY ALL LOOK AT GERALD

Sorry. Just getting into the flow of things.

DOUGIE
I hope you all get toxic shock from your panty shields.

ALAN
Well, I can't sit around sharing Bon mots with you lot.

GERALD
What's that?

DOUGIE
It's French, dear.

PHILLIP
Ah. Those were the days.

DOUGIE
Way back in the dark ages?

PHILLIP
Don't you start on about age. The only way we'll be able to tell yours is when the carbon dating comes back.

DOUGIE
Nonsense. I never try to hide my age.

PHILLIP
We know. It would be pointless when it's listed in all the medical journals.

DOUGIE
Colin knows my age. A youthful 29.

ALAN
That seems to be a very popular age with you, pet.

PHILLIP
I'll say. He's had it six times already. I suppose you told Colin those stretch marks around your mouth were from cheer leading?

DOUGIE
You're all vicious queens. Just because you're ugly does it mean you have to be bitter as well.

ALAN
I'll go and slip into something more comfortable.

PHILLIP
Quick. Hide the gladwrap and cooking oil.

ALAN GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. THE OTHERS SIGH AND TRY TO RELAX.

COLIN
Why would this Barry person mind if....Danny, is it?...

DOUGIE
Uh-huh.

COLIN
Danny brought someone along.

DOUGIE
Oh, sweetie, that heap big saga. Barry and Danny used to be boyfriends.

PHILLIP
[CLORIS LEACHMAN IN YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN] "Go on, say it! He was my boyfrieeend!!!"

DOUGIE
But a few years ago but they had a bit of a falling out.

PHILLIP
No dear. World War II was a bit of a falling out.

DOUGIE
And unfortunately there were children involved.

PHILLIP
It always gets messy when there's children.

COLIN
Children? They had children? I don't understand.

PHILLIP
Two cats and a tropical fish called Spiro.

DOUGIE
The two cats were easy to divide. Unfortunately Barry also tried to divide Spiro.....

PHILLIP
With Danny's face.

DOUGIE
[TO PHILLIP] Look, Phyllis, who's telling this damn story?!

PHILLIP
Things were very unpleasant for a while.

COLIN
And now?

PHILLIP
They're worse!

DOUGIE
They rarely talk to each other. We sometimes have to act as translators.

GERALD
They grunt at each other.

PHILLIP
When Barry first moved in with me, Danny use to call up in the middle of the night screaming at him for killing Spiro.

COLIN
All this over a fish?

GERALD
Not just a fish.

PHILLIP
A rare Japanese Carp.

DOUGIE
Eighteen thousand dollars worth.

COLIN
What?

PHILLIP
It was a status symbol. Danny may not have owned a car but he did have one fabulous fucking fish!

COLIN
Oh, shit. That's unbelievable.

DOUGIE
Believe It Or Not.

COLIN
So Barry's your boyfriend now, right?

PHILLIP
Wrong! Barry's my flatmate. We ended up sharing after Danny threw him out. God only knows how I let it happen. Barry's not the easiest person to lived with, I can tell you. No, my lover is David.

GERALD
Daisy.

PHILLIP
Daisy.

COLIN
And he's coming tonight, too?

PHILLIP
Not on your life! [GRIMLY] I want to enjoy myself.

DOUGIE
So much for love.

PHILLIP
Up yours!

DOUGIE
Charmed, I'm sure.

PHILLIP
The trouble is Barry and Danny still like each other.

DOUGIE
Luurrve.

PHILLIP
Okay. Luurrve.

DOUGIE
Every time we go out it's a lot of fun as long as you're not in the line of fire.

GERALD
Maybe they've calmed down by now. I mean, it has been six months since we last went out.

COLIN
Why?

PHILLIP
Well, sweetheart, once upon a time, long, long ago..

DOUGIE
There were seven evil queens who, every Monday night would dine, dance and tear each other to shreds. Barry, Phyllis, Geraldine, Danny, Alan, Michael and myself.

COLIN
Who is this Michael, anyway?

PHILLIP
Michael died six months ago.

COLIN
Oh? How did he die?

DOUGIE
That’s not really import...

GERALD
He died of AIDS.

PHILLIP AND DOUGIE EXPLODE

DOUGIE
Jesus, Gerald! What the hell...

PHILLIP
For Christ's sakes Gerald, can't you shut your mouth!

GERALD
I'm sorry, I...

PHILLIP
No-one has to know that!

DOUGIE
Bloody hell!

GERALD
It was an accident.

DOUGIE
You're the accident!

COLIN
Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.

PHILLIP
Nonsense. Geraldine here has a big box, that's all.

DOUGIE
Never knows when to shut it.

GERALD
I said I was sorry.

PHILLIP
It's too late now. The damage is done. Let's just drop it.

COLIN
It's my fault. Don't blame Gerald. It's just that I've never known anyone who died from that. No-one. Is that him in the photo?

GERALD
Uh-huh.

COLIN
He's very good looking.

DOUGIE
He was our one knight in shining armour. So happy.

GERALD
A great guy.

DOUGIE
We were all very upset when he went.

GERALD
Shattered, more like it.

DOUGIE
We knew it was coming though and at least he had us.

GERALD
I still miss him.

DOUGIE
Michael was Alan's boyfriend.

COLIN
How long were they together?

PHILLIP
[QUIETLY] Nine years.

DOUGIE
A record in my book.

PHILLIP
We put our Monday nights on hold for a while.

DOUGIE
Till Alan was ready.

PHILLIP
But you're not to mention it to him, okay?

COLIN
I swear.

PHILLIP
That goes for you too, Gerald.

DOUGIE
We don't want him to be reminded. It's gonna be hard enough as it is.

PHILLIP
That's enough of that subject, thank you.

THE BUZZER RINGS

I'll get it.

HE PRESSES THE BUZZER. BARRY ENTERS WEARING LEATHER VEST, CHAPS AND CAP. HE CARRIES A BUNCH OF FLOWERS.

BARRY
Okay, if any shithead says I'm late they get a swift kick to the back box.

DOUGIE
Beulah, darling, you always were one for a big entrance.

PHILLIP
And Beulah has the biggest entrance known to man.

BARRY
Don't push your luck, Phyllis. I've had enough of you already.

DOUGIE
And like her food we know Beulah never shares with anyone.

BARRY
Phyllis, have we done the line about the ruby slippers?

PHILLIP
Done.

BARRY
Bitch! You always take my best lines. Where's Lana?

GERALD
Getting ready.

BARRY
[CALLING OUT] Something nice, Lana. None of your crimplene boob tubes and chunky thongs. Where's the mutant?

PHILLIP
 If you're referring to Danny, he hasn't arrived yet.

BARRY FINALLY NOTICES COLIN.

BARRY
And who are we, then?

DOUGIE
We are the swamp creature, Beulah, didn't you know?

BARRY
Dorothy....you're short, you're fat and you're ugly. Cut your losses...kill yourself!

PHILLIP
No, don't hold back, Beulah, say what you feel.

BARRY
I want to know who this is.

DOUGIE
[DRAPING HIMSELF OVER THE BACK OF COLIN'S CHAIR] Oh, this old thing. I've had it for years.

PHILLIP
Just like most of Beulah's wardrobe.

BARRY
Who rattled your cage, woman?

DOUGIE
Barry, this is Colin. Colin, this is Barry.

COLIN
Nice to meet you.

BARRY
[COLDLY] Ditto, I'm sure.

DOUGIE
Barry, Colin is my date for tonight.

THERE IS A PAUSE WHILE EVERYONE WAITS FOR BARRY'S REACTION. BARRY TURNS TO LOOK AT DOUGIE THEN BACK AT COLIN.

BARRY
How tall are you, Colin?

DOUGIE
Fuck off, Beulah!

BARRY
[TO DOUGIE] Down, Rinnie, down. Naughty girl. You know, he looks just like Michael.

PHILLIP
That's what we said. [CALLING OUT] Alan, get your poor white trash arse out here this minute, girl, or we're leaving without you.

GERALD
Yeah, come on Alan. I'm starving.

BARRY
For grey matter, we know.

ALAN ENTERS WEARING NEW CLOTHES

ALAN
Hello, Barry. How are you?

BARRY
Shut up bitch and get me a drink. I've been here a full half minute and a glass has not crossed my path. What kind of cheap bordello are you running here anyway, Blanche?

ALAN
I hear you've been redecorating, Barry.

BARRY
Yes. And I think I've hurt my back as well.

PHILLIP
How did you do that?

BARRY
Moving your wardrobe. Oh and I've decided you need new curtains for your room.

PHILLIP
Well, thank you.

BARRY
Not at all.

BARRY NOTICES GERALD AGAIN

And here we have Geraldine, skulking away in the shadows.

PHILLIP
It's his favourite haunt.

BARRY
No, that's not his favourite haunt, these days, is it, Geraldine? No, our girl has found herself a new playground.

GERALD
I don't know what you're on about.

BARRY
No?

PHILLIP
What are you talking about, Beulah?

BARRY
Far be it from me to spread the dirt.

DOUGIE
Shut your guts, Beulah!

BARRY
Oh, sorry dear. I'd forgotten it was suppose to be a secret. Okay then, mum's the word. You won't get dick out of me, girls. You can torture me and I still won't tell a thing. Not a sausage. No sirree, bob.

PHILLIP
Geraldine, are you and Dorothy keeping something hidden? I knew it.

BARRY
Oh, it's probably half way round town by now. I don't know why you're being Sandra Sensitive, Dorothy. You're the one who blurted it out to me.

ALAN
Blurted out what?

BARRY
Well, it seems,...

DOUGIE
I'm warning you, Beulah.

BARRY
It seems Geraldine was in a certain notorious gentlemen's club the other week...

GERALD
It's not true. I wasn't there.

BARRY
Apparently in one of those very intimate cubbyhouses...You know the sort; vinyl decor, low wattage bulbs and not a decent throw pillow or indoor plant to be seen, our Miss Geraldine was having her married organs fondled and slapped by some stud through a hole in the wall.

ALAN
Oh, goodness.

PHILLIP
So what else is new? We've all been there. And Geraldine is famous for slinging her hook.

GERALD
Her what?...I mean, my what?

PHILLIP
Come to think of it, you're not exactly adverse to that sort of thing either, Beulah so fling not the mud, Slime Queen.

BARRY
We are not here to discuss moi.

ALAN
Fortunately.

BARRY
May I finish my story?

PHILLIP
Please tell. We're all ears.

BARRY
You better let your thighs know that, dear.

GERALD
It's not very interesting. Anyone like another drink?

BARRY
Well, once Geraldine had consummated her marriage with Mr Right on the other side of the wall and rid herself of child....

ALAN
Oh, yuk!

BARRY
Out she steps to find herself face to face with Dorothy stepping out of the next cubicle.

ALAN AND PHILLIP START SCREAMING IN HYSTERICS.

GERALD
It's not true!

BARRY
Oh, no?

DOUGIE
You evil queen, Beulah.

GERALD
It wasn't me!

BARRY
As soon as they see each other they bolt in opposite directions so fast.

PHILLIP
Oh, this is too much! Dougie, how could you?

DOUGIE
How the hell was I suppose to know whose dick it was? I guess I'm one of the few people in this town who doesn't know every curve of that slut's member!

ALAN
Ugh!

GERALD
I'm not a slut!

BARRY
Well, Dorothy, at least you know what everyone else in this town has been trying to avoid.

GERALD
It's not funny, you vicious queens! It wasn't my fault. [TO DOUGIE] Why'd you have to tell him that for?! [TO BARRY] It wasn't me. Just someone who looks like me, that's all.

PHILLIP AND ALAN ARE STILL HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER.

PHILLIP
Well, there's only one way to find out. We'll have a line up. Dougie, get on your knees. We'll blindfold you and you can tell us whose dick it is.

DOUGIE
Oh you really are sick!

PHILLIP
Get over it, girl!

DOUGIE
[TO BARRY] I wish the hell I never mentioned it to you.

BARRY
But you did, woman, you did!

DOUGIE
It was suppose to be confidential. Between us.

PHILLIP
Don't worry, Dougie. That stupid look on Geraldine's face would have given it away eventually.

GERALD
I'm not stupid.

DOUGIE
I'm never going to tell you another thing again, you old fat slut!

BARRY
Watch who you're calling old, bitch!

ALAN
Okay, gang. That's enough for one night.

PHILLIP
That story alone should do us till Christmas.

COLIN
I don't understand.

PHILLIP
Oh, honey.

DOUGIE
You don't want to know, sweetness. And the rest of you can keep your mouths shut!

GERALD
Why're we waiting? Let's go to dinner.

PHILLIP
We can't go yet. Danny's still not here.

BARRY
Where the hell is she?

ALAN
Who knows.

GERALD
Well, can't we go to the restaurant now? We could always leave him a note.

BARRY
That's not the way it's done, Geraldine. We all leave from here. Let's not flaunt tradition. Whose car are we going in?

PHILLIP
Yours and Danny's.

BARRY
Has she got the clap again?

PHILLIP
Probably. Call it a sign of the times.

BARRY
Call it a slut and a half!

DOUGIE
Now dear, let's not cast nasturtiums.

ALAN
Isn't that a flower?

BARRY
She's trying try to be witty, Lana. Don't laugh or you'll crack your make-up. Where are we eating?

PHILLIP
The Well Hung Horse.

BARRY
Pardon?

PHILLIP
The Well Hung Horse! It's Italian.

BARRY
Let me guess. Danny's choice?

DOUGIE
It's his turn. Can't you tell?

BARRY
That girl always had the worse taste.

PHILLIP
We've always thought so.

THE OTHERS START LAUGHING THEN STOP AS BARRY MOVES IN ON GERALD.

BARRY
That's a really nice outfit you're wearing, Geraldine. Those shorts are really you.

ALAN
Oh, shit, I forgot to get you some trousers Gerald.

GERALD
What's wrong with these?

BARRY
Nothing a good flame thrower couldn't fix.

GERALD
I thought they looked kinda nice.

BARRY
For a Fijian housewife, yes. But you're not coming with us in them.

ALAN
I'll get you some trousers, Gerald. There's still some old pair of Michael's around somewhere.

HE GOES INTO THE BEDROOM

GERALD
Oh,...I'd rather not...

THEY ALL STARE AT HIM.

Oh...whatever you can find.

BARRY
What time is it?

PHILLIP
[LOOKING AT HIS WATCH] Eight-twenty.

GERALD
I'm starving.

DOUGIE
Someone get Geraldine a feed bag.

THE BUZZER RINGS

GERALD
I'll get it.

GERALD GOES AND BUZZES OPEN THE DOOR. DANNY STAGGERS IN, BLEEDING FROM A SMALL WOUND ON HIS FOREHEAD AND A SPLIT LIP. HIS CLOTHES ARE TORN. HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR, MOANING. THEY ALL THINK HE IS JOKING UNTIL THEY SEE THE BLOOD. THERE IS GENERAL MAYHEM.

BARRY
Oh, dear, what's happened?

GERALD
Oh, shit!

PHILLIP
Jesus Christ!

DOUGIE
Pick him up.

GERALD
What?

PHILLIP
Get him off the floor, you great twat!

GERALD
What's the matter with him?

BARRY
He's been bashed, dickhead! What? Do you think this is some clever make-up job or something?

GERALD
Oh, Shit.

DOUGIE
Well, just don't stand there, Gerald. Help us get him on the sofa.

THEY ALL CARRY HIM OVER TO THE SOFA AS ALAN RE-ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM WITH A PAIR OF TROUSERS.

ALAN
Oh god, what's wrong?

PHILLIP
Danny's been bashed?

ALAN
Oh, shit. Hang on. I'll get the first aid.

GERALD
He doesn't look too bad.

THEY ALL LOOK AT GERALD, INCLUDING DANNY

BARRY
Better get a mustard plaster for Geraldine's mouth while you're at it.

ALAN GOES BACK INTO THE BEDROOM

DOUGIE
Are you alright, honey?

GERALD
I'm fine.

PHILLIP
He wasn't talking to YOU, idiot!

DOUGIE
Get him a drink.

BARRY
Who did this to you, baby?

DANNY SITS UP AND AFTER A PAUSE HE SPEAKS

DANNY
Make it a double!

HE SLUMPS BACK ONTO THE SOFA

DOUGIE
Oh my god, she's got brain damage. She's never asked for anything less than a triple in her life!

BARRY
Get him a drink, Geraldine, for chrissakes.

GERALD
What does he drink? I don't remember.

BARRY
Whisky.

DANNY
And a chaser.

GERALD
What kind of chaser?

DANNY
More whisky!

ALAN RE-ENTERS WITH ANTISEPTIC LOTION AND COTTON WOOL.

BARRY
Here, Lana, let me do it. You go and boil some water and get some towels.

PHILLIP
She's not gonna have a baby, Beulah.

DOUGIE
The way she looks at present I think she's already had one.

DANNY
I'm dying and all I hear is jokes.

BARRY
Who did this to you?

DANNY
Never mind.

GERALD
We should call the police.

PHILLIP
Oh, sure. If you've got five hours to wait for them to come around. You know how good they are at catching poofter-bashers. Probably give the little fuckers a medal and a job.

BARRY LIFTS HIM UP A LITTLE TO WIPE THE BACK OF HIS NECK.

DOUGIE
That's right. Remember when I got jumped.

PHILLIP
You should be grateful.

DOUGIE
I mean when I got attacked near my place. I called the police and no-one showed up. Lucky I didn't have anything valuable on me.

PHILLIP
Except your pension card.

DANNY
It wouldn't do any good, anyway.

ALAN
Why not?

DANNY
It wasn't a poofter-basher.

BARRY
Who was it then?

DANNY
My date.

BARRY DROPS HIM. DANNY MOANS.

BARRY
Lana, take over. I'm no fucking Florence Nightingale!

PHILLIP
So much for a career in nursing.

ALAN
Why did your date beat you up?

DOUGIE
Surely you're not that bad in bed.

DANNY
I never even got him into bed.

PHILLIP
Then perhaps you should work on your foreplay.

DANNY
I was. That's why he beat me up. He's straight.

ALAN
You tried to pick up a straight man?

DANNY
I didn't know he was straight. He was at the pub, that's all I know.

PHILLIP
You mean he didn't know it was a gay pub?

DANNY
No, I mean, I didn't know it was a straight pub.

DOUGIE
What, in God's name, were you doing in a straight pub?

DANNY
Look, what is this? Twenty questions? I wasn't paying attention to the surroundings so much, okay? I saw him staring at me at the intersection so I followed him into this pub on the corner. You see, unlike you lot I don't go to all that many pubs and bars. So many of them burn down these days it's a little hard to keep track anyway which one's are gay and which aren't. He was making eyes at me, or so thought, so I suggested he come along tonight.

BARRY
You mean, here? Tonight? With us?

DANNY
Yes, Beulah. Here. Tonight. With us.

BARRY
You selfish little shit! What makes you think you can bring your cheap trade along to one of our Monday nights?

DANNY
Oh, fuck off, Barry!

BARRY
It's just typical, isn't it.

DANNY
Typical of what?

BARRY
Typical of your insensitivity. You're always thinking of yourself.

ALAN
Okay boys. Time out.

BARRY
You know we have these nights for the group only.

DANNY
Where is it written? Where in the Ten bloody Commandments is it written Thou Shalt Not Bring A Fuck Along? Huh? Tell me that!

PHILLIP
Oh boys?

BARRY
It's something that's understood, that's all.

DANNY
By who? Just because you can't get a root doesn't mean everyone else has to be deprived of one!

DOUGIE
I think this is becoming quite tacky.

BARRY
Me, can't get a root? Get real you great queen!

DANNY
And if our Monday nights are so bloody precious then who the hell is that?!

HE POINTS TO COLIN WHO HAS BEEN SITTING QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND

DOUGIE
He's with me.

DANNY
So it's alright if she brings something along... Look, I don't want to talk about this anyway. I'm busy having a relapse if you don't mind. And where's my fucking drink?!

GERALD
Sorry Danny. It's right here.

HE HANDS HIM THE DRINK WHICH IS ALMOST FINISHED

PHILLIP
Well, it looks like we're off to a great start, this evening, girls. I knew it was gonna be like this. I could smell it in the air.

DOUGIE
That's your body odour talking, dear.

GERALD
When are we going to eat? I'm so hungry I could chew the crotch out of a dead sheep!

BARRY
Where'd you get that one from, Geraldine? Your mother?

ALAN
I think we might wait until Danny's recovered, don't you Gerald?

GERALD
Oh, sure, sorry. Okay.

DANNY
I almost lose my life and all Geraldine here can think about is sheep!

DANNY GOES TO THE BAR AS EVERYONE SETTLES DOWN

BARRY
Phyllis, I think maybe we can call the restaurant and tell them we'll be a little late, don't you?

PHILLIP
Sure. Alan, I'll use the phone in the bedroom.

ALAN
Go ahead.

PHILLIP GOES INTO THE BEDROOM.

DOUGIE
I think we could all do with another drink, don't you?

DOUGIE GOES TO THE BAR AND STARTS POURING OUT DRINKS.

DANNY
So, tell me Dorothy, who's your friend?

DOUGIE
Eyes off, queen. His name's Colin. So glad to see you've recovered.

DANNY
'Tis but a momentary lapse. Any moment now I may slip into a coma and then you'll all be sorry.

BARRY
Sorry that it didn't happen sooner.

DANNY
Feeling a little toe-ee are we, Barry?

BARRY
Well at least I wasn't roughed up by trade.

DANNY
He wasn't trade, idiot.

ALAN
Given half a chance.

DANNY
Stay out of this, Lana. Beulah's on a bender. You know what she's like when she's got a bee in her box.

GERALD
I thought that was bonnet.

DANNY
Don't correct me. I know exactly what I'm saying.

BARRY
Of course she always knows what she's saying. Even when she doesn't.

PHILLIP RE-ENTERS.

PHILLIP
Bad news, girls. The restaurant says they can't hold our booking. They've got a bus load of school kids eager to be fed.

DOUGIE
This is outrageous. Giving our table to a bunch of snotty-nosed brats. God I hate kids. Thank God I'm never going to have any.

BARRY
The world can rest easy then?

PHILLIP
Well it looks like we have to find another place to eat. Any suggestions?

GERALD
Jesus.

PHILLIP
Is that a place you know well, Geraldine?

GERALD
I am starving.

BARRY
So what else is new? Well, I'm all for French.

DOUGIE
Is that supposed to be a revelation, dear?

PHILLIP
I'd like Mexican.

DOUGIE
Chinese.

ALAN
Thai.

DANNY
Greek.

BARRY
Okay. So we're after a Chinese Thai Mexican who likes French with a bit of Greek thrown in.

PHILLIP
Sounds like a versatile date, doesn't it?

DOUGIE
Geraldine, what's your fancy?

GERALD
I'm easy.

BARRY
That wasn't the question.

PHILLIP
Danny, are you over your crisis?

DANNY
Give me an hour.

GERALD
Another hour? Jesus. I need another drink. Colin, can I get you another one?

ALL
Yes, thanks, Geraldine.

DANNY
[GOING OVER] Well it's nice to meet you, Colin. [PAUSE] Hey doesn't he look like....

PHILLIP
We know.

DANNY
Well it'll be nice to have someone new around, anyway. Instead of the same, tired old faces and I do mean tired.

DOUGIE
And we do mean old!

DANNY
Oh! Dorothy...I just remembered something a little birdie told me.

DOUGIE
[REFERRING TO BARRY] You mean a large, overstuffed turkey! What did you do? A letter box drop or something? Does everyone has to know?

DANNY
Beulah didn't tell me a thing. Just like you Dorothy I have my own reliable sources.

PHILLIP
We know. Only hers took the colour out of my tie.

DOUGIE
Are you still moaning about that?

BARRY
Moans any chance she can get!

PHILLIP
But mostly when they're taking a swab.

BARRY
Ugh. You're disgusting.

DANNY
You mean they already know about the phantom dick episode?

PHILLIP
'Fraid so, honey-child.

GERALD
Do we have to keep going on about it?

DANNY
How tedious. That was going to be the best story for the evening.

PHILLIP
Then why were you going to tell it now?

DANNY
Dear heart, I have been assaulted. My bearings are way off. Forgive me but I am only a mere mortal.

BARRY
So she finally admits it.

DANNY
Barry, precious, I am quite able to admit my faults. It is such a pity that others cannot follow suit and be humble instead of practically opening stigmatic wounds with a holier than thou disposition.

DOUGIE
You've been reading books again, haven't you pet?

PHILLIP
Here we go again.

BARRY
Why don't we give it a rest? Colin's going to think that we're nothing but a pack of rabid queens.

GERALD
He wouldn't be far off the mark.

COLIN
Sorry?

DOUGIE
Never mind, honey. Pay no mind to these heathen bitches.

PHILLIP
Right.

DOUGIE
They're only jealous.

ALL
Right.

GERALD
Have we decided where we're eating?

ALAN
No. Not yet.

GERALD
Shit.

PHILLIP
Let's not ruin the whole night. How about the Balkan?

DOUGIE
Sounds good to me.

GERALD
And me.

BARRY
Same.

DANNY
Likewise.

PHILLIP
Get your wraps, girls. Let's move it out.

BARRY
Don't you love it when Phyllis gets Joan Wayne all of a sudden.

GERALD
Three hundred dollar dresses on wire coat-hangers!

BARRY
That's Joan Crawford, you dumb bitch! Dorothy, we'll take yours and Geraldine's car. I don't think our frail Miss Dee Dee is up to driving in her condition.

DOUGIE
Oh, thank you, Beulah. A woman's work is never delegated.

THEY ALL START TO MOVE TOWARDS THE DOOR

ALAN
I'll just be a moment. Meet you out the front.

THEY EXIT. ALAN STANDS THERE FOR MOMENT. HE THEN GOES ACROSS TO THE COFFEE TABLE AND PICKS UP THE PHOTO OF MICHAEL AND LOOKS AT IT FOR A MOMENT. PHILLIP STANDS IN THE DOORWAY AND WATCHES HIM UN-NOTICED. ALAN TURNS AROUND AND SEES PHILLIP.

ALAN
I...uh....forgot something.

PHILLIP
It's alright.

ALAN
It's just...that....it's been a while, you know. I don't know if I'm......

PHILLIP
Things get in the way, that's all. You'll be alright.

ALAN
It just doesn't seem right, you know. Him not being with us. He should be here.

PHILLIP
Yes.

ALAN
I mean...I thought it was suppose to get easier. They say it does. But when does it happen? When do I stop hurting?

PHILLIP
You're not suppose to stop, honey. That's how we remember them. Because we still hurt. But it does get easier.

ALAN
I...uh....[HE STARTS TO CRY] miss him, Phillip. I really miss him. All tonight is, is a reminder, that he's not here. I want him home again. With me. I want him here.

PHILLIP
[COMFORTING HIM] I know. It's alright, baby. It's alright.

ALAN
Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit.

PHILLIP
You gotta move on, honey. You gotta move on.

ALAN
I know. [COMPOSING HIMSELF] I'm okay. Thanks.

PHILLIP
Don't worry about it.

THE SOUND OF A CAR HORN IN THE STREET

PHILLIP
We better go. Geraldine's gonna have a child if we don't get some food into her soon.

ALAN
I'll be right there.

PHILLIP GOES TO EXIT

ALAN
Phillip?

PHILLIP TURNS TO HIM

Thanks.

PHILLIP
What can I say? I'm a saint. [HE SMILES] I'll see you downstairs.

HE EXITS. ALAN  STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT WATCHING HIM AS HE LEAVES. HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT THE PHOTOGRAPH ONCE MORE. THERE IS ANOTHER CAR HORN. THE LIGHTS START TO DIM AROUND ALAN AS THE SOUND OF WAVES COMES UP. A SMALL SPOT COMES UP ON MICHAEL'S PHOTOGRAPH
 
 

BLACKOUT
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

ACT TWO
 

SETTING IS AS BEFORE. TWO HOURS LATER. THE DOOR BUSTS OPEN AND ALAN STORMS IN, GOES TO THE BAR, POURS HIMSELF A LARGE DRINK THEN GOES STRAIGHT TO THE BEDROOM. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS THE REST OF THE GROUP ENTER WITH THE EXCEPTION OF COLIN. PHILLIP SITS ON THE SOFA AS DOES DOUGIE. BARRY SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWNSTAGE LEFT; DANNY ON THE CHAIR DOWNSTAGE RIGHT. NO-ONE SPEAKS. DANNY GLARES AT BARRY. GERALD GETS UP AND GOES TO THE DRINKS TABLE TO POUR HIMSELF A DRINK. HE DROPS A GLASS. EVERYONE STARES AT HIM. HE BECOMES VERY NERVOUS AND STARTS FUMBLING WITH THE BOTTLES. HE GOES TO SIT BETWEEN PHILLIP AND DOUGIE ON THE SOFA. GERALD STARTS TO SLURP HIS DRINK. THEY ALL GLARE AT HIM. HE PUTS THE DRINK DOWN. PAUSE. GERALD BURPS AND SMILES. THEY ONCE MORE STARE AT HIM.

GERALD
Sorry.

ALAN WALKS OUT OF THE BEDROOM. THEY ALL WATCH HIM AS HE GOES TO THE DRINK TABLE, GRABS THE BOTTLE AND GOES BACK INTO THE BEDROOM.

GERALD
Did you enjoy your meal, Danny?

DANNY
Shut up, Geraldine.

GERALD
Sorry. [PAUSE] I did. That veal was really nice. I don't think I've ever had such a nice piece of veal. The way they cook  it there is really good. I could eat there every night if it was cooked like that all the time...

ALL
Shut up, Geraldine!

DANNY
Jesus Christ! It's a pity someone doesn't staple gun your mouth shut.

PHILLIP
Always running off at the mouth.

BARRY
Your brain stops working but you keep right on flapping your gums.

DOUGIE
Trust Geraldine to stuff up an evening for us.

PHILLIP
Maybe she should be put down.

DANNY
Why'd you have to keep bringing it up?

BARRY
We were all having such a good time.

PHILLIP
Send her off to the pound.

DOUGIE
Always manages to put her foot in her mouth.

PHILLIP
Foot in mouth disease.

BARRY
Terminal brain dead.

GERALD
It's not my fault.

BARRY
Then it must be ours. How silly of us not to have realised.

DANNY
Constantly harping on about Michael. "Oh boy, remember when Michael said this....remember when Michael said that. Gee....Michael used to like this dish."

BARRY & DANNY
Dickhead!

DOUGIE
No wonder Colin left.

PHILLIP
Don't blame that on Geraldine.

DOUGIE
Why not? She started it all.

BARRY
No she didn't. You did when you started carving up Colin's steak for him.

PHILLIP
Kept on correcting the way he talked and everything. The man's not a baby, you know. He may be a little deaf but you're a lot stupid!

BARRY
Like a little pit bull barking at his heels all bloody night! If I was him I would've smacked your gums in.

DOUGIE
Don't you talk! You and Danny were at it all night as well.

DANNY
We were not! And even if we were, I didn't start it.

BARRY
No? Then I suppose I was the one who kept on about the waiter's nice arse, loud enough for every man and his dog to hear?

DANNY
He did have a nice arse.

BARRY
Who gives a shit!

DANNY
Just jealous because your arse looks like a lunar landscape.

BARRY
The big thing in my life isn't worrying about how my arse looks to everyone. Unlike some I could mention, mine doesn't get that much exposure.

DANNY
Not for lack of trying I can tell you.

BARRY
My life doesn't revolve around being the biggest sleaze bag to walk down Oxford Street. I don't spend half my existence on the most mundane of hobbies. There are more important things watching stupid bloody fish swim around in tanks.

DANNY
Don't you dare!

BARRY
Stupid bloody fish!

DANNY
I'm warning you, queen.

BARRY
Who in their right mind would buy an eighteen thousand dollar fish.....

DANNY
You smart arse!

BARRY
And then go and call the fucker Spiro!

DANNY
You killed him!

BARRY
I didn't kill him! It was suicide. The fish took one look at you and thought "I can't live with this rancid old hag...let me die!" So he tried to top himself.

DANNY
Murdering fuck....

BARRY
And I don't blame him. The thought of going through life with a bitch like you wouldn't be attractive to a deaf, dumb and blind mutant!

PHILLIP
Well, they've lifted this argument.

DANNY
You hated Spiro so you killed him!

BARRY
Dry that one out and you could fertilise the lawn!

DANNY
You always were a hateful and spiteful old bitch.

GERALD
Listen, guys...

BOTH
Shut up, Geraldine!

BARRY
To think I put up with you for six years.

DANNY
The best six years you've ever had

BARRY
Keep telling yourself that, honey, and see if YOU buy it!

DANNY
The things I did for you. The sacrifices I made.

BARRY
Oh really?

DANNY
Yes really.

BARRY
Name one.

DANNY
I gave up my career for you.

BARRY
You were working at Woolworths!

DANNY
I was on my way up !

BARRY
What to? Smoked meats?

DANNY
It wasn't just smoked meats! They offered me management opportunities.

BARRY
Well thrillsville!

DANNY
But I gave all that away for you. What have you ever sacrificed for me?

BARRY
Just my sanity.

DANNY
You'll have to refresh my memory to what that was like, dear. You lost that a long time before you decided to make MY life a misery.

BARRY
I should have left you in the Deli Bar where you belonged. Amongst all the dead meat and stuffed olives.

DANNY
Well, anything's better than being stuck with a dried fruit! I don't know how Phyllis puts up with you.

PHILLIP
Well, I just stick my head in a bucket....

BARRY
Keep out of this, queen! [TO DANNY] He puts up with me because he isn't a petty little twerp! He doesn't bleed from the eyeballs just because the washing up hasn't been done!

DANNY
At least I DID the housework!

BARRY
Well, chain me to the fucking wall! I'm sorry but there are more important things than armpits full of soap suds. You loved playing the little housewife so don't come the Helen Reddy with me, dear.

DANNY
The only thing you were good for is moving the furniture in the middle of the fucking night!

DANNY THROWS HIS DRINK IN BARRY'S FACE.

PHILLIP
Funny you should bring that up...

BOTH
Fuck up, Phyllis!

BARRY SLAPS DANNY IN THE MOUTH. THEY START FIGHTING. THE OTHERS JUMP IN TO BREAK IT UP. THEY ALL TURN TO SEE ALAN STANDING IN THE DOORWAY

BARRY
Oh, hi honey.

DANNY
We were....just having a little chat

BARRY
That's right. A little chat.

PHILLIP
How's it going?

DOUGIE
Has YOUR headache gone?

ALAN
I guess.

GERALD
Did you enjoy dinner?

THEY ALL LOOK AT GERALD

ALAN
Yes, it was good, thanks.

GERALD
That's good.

ALAN
Look guys, I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everyone's night.

PHILLIP
You aren't.

DOUGIE
Of course not. Even if my sex life took a bit of a tumble for the night [SNEERING AT GERALD] it certainly wasn't your fault.

DANNY
That's right. Dorothy's sex life doesn't need any help. It's already stuffed up.

BARRY
Yes and Danny didn't mean to be nasty and bitter tonight. It's just the way she is. You know that.

DANNY
Thank you for explaining it so well, Beulah.

GERALD
Are we still going dancing?

BARRY
After the coffee, Geraldine. That's how it's done, remember?

GERALD
Oh, yes. I forgot.

PHILLIP
Dougie...come and assist.

DOUGIE
That's right, bitch. Wait till I'm really comfortable then make me get up.

THEY BOTH GO INTO THE KITCHEN

ALAN
I really don't feel like going out dancing tonight.

BARRY
Well, just stand there and try to look fashionable.

ALAN
I don't think....

DANNY
I thought we'd covered this.

BARRY
We have.

DANNY
You're coming whether you like it or not. We don't break up the party till the evening's over.

GERALD
I'm really tired.

BARRY
No, you're not.

GERALD
Oh, I thought I was.

BARRY
You don't know what you're saying half the time.

DANNY
Try all the time.

ALAN
Don't take any notice of them, Gerald.

ALAN SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWNSTAGE RIGHT

GERALD
I never do.

BARRY
Maybe if he listened to us then he wouldn't say so many dumb things.

GERALD
I don't say dumb, things. [PAUSE] Much.

BARRY
I rest my case.

GERALD
I never said I was smart.

PHILLIP AND DOUGIE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN

DANNY
Good. It's against the law to false advertise.

GERALD
You guys always treat me like an idiot. I can't help it if I'm not as bright as you lot. You've all got degrees and things like that and I'm just a stupid air steward. I know. You don't have to keep ramming it down my throat all the time. You think it's real easy for me. You think I go through life and I'm happy in my own stupid world because there's nothing hard about it. Well you're wrong. I hate my life. I hate my shitty job. I hate the people I work with and I hate not knowing anything that anyone would want to hear. But I can't help that. I want to be smart but nothing stays there. I hate having to listen to you guys talking, using words I don't even understand. I know you think I'm a joke. But I'm not. You've all got each other to talk to when you get upset. But who's gonna listen to me when I'm upset? I'll tell you who. No-one. That's who. Because I'm the one you always laugh at. I'm the village idiot. You guys treat me just the same way my parents did. At least I could move away from them but if I move away from you lot then I've got no-one and that scares me. I just don't want to feel like a jerk all the time.

ALAN GETS UP AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIM

ALAN
I don't think you're a jerk, Gerald.

GERALD
No?

ALAN
I think you're alright.

GERALD
Am I?

ALAN
You certainly are. I sometimes think you're better than any of us put together.

GERALD
Thanks.

PHILLIP AND DOUGIE LOOK AT EACH OTHER, BURST OUT LAUGHING THEN RUSH BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

Maybe I should try and get another job. I hate having to be friendly to people I can't stand. Someone's always whingeing about this or that. Some yobbo's always getting pissed and throwing up all over the floor and ya' gotta smile all the time your hands are covered in puke while you clean it up. I should just throw a rag at them and tell them to clean it up, themselves. Maybe I will. Next time some dickhead from an arsehole football team decides to heave their guts up I'm gonna push their faces into it. I'm sick of being a doormat. No more. They can find some other schmuck to do the dirty work.

ALAN
Good on you.

GERALD
Yep. That's what I'm gonna do. And I'm gonna stick to my guns too. "You get on your bloody knees and clean it up yourself, you great turd brain!"

ALAN
Now you're talking.

GERALD
"You get on your knees before I thump your lights out!"

ALAN
Good.

GERALD
"Get that scrawny pimple covered arse out of your seat and get down there amongst the chuck where you belong."

ALAN
You can do it!

GERALD
No more Mr Nice Guy. From now on it's Mr Get Fucked the Lot Of You.

ALAN
Yes!

GERALD
"I'm not your bloody slave! All you hatchet faced old twats are gonna have to beg before I put myself out again."

ALAN
That's the spirit.

GERALD
Yep. That's how it's gonna to be from now on!

ALAN
Well done.

GERALD
Unless........they're old or something. That's different Or they're babies. I mean, they can't help it, can they? You gotta help then.

ALAN
Right.

GERALD
And the handicapped, of course.

ALAN
Of course.

GERALD
I mean, who's gonna help them if you don't? You can't leave them sitting in the middle of the aisle, can you? And then there's people who've never been in a plane before. They can get pretty frightened. Especially in turbulence. And they can get sick, can't they? So you gotta help them. And some people are really quite nice so it doesn't hurt to be friendly back, does it? I mean some of them have had a bad day so they need to relax so you gotta be a bit happy or they complain a lot and you don't need that. But if anyone tries to hassle me I'll tell them exactly where to go. Yep, that's what I'll do. Next flight I'm on it's gonna be the new me. And look out anyone who gets in my way.

PHILLIP AND DOUGIE ENTER WITH THE COFFEE

BARRY
I swear, Geraldine, you're a regular tower of inspiration.

DANNY
A Rock of Gibraltar.

DOUGIE
A pillar of shit!

DOUGIE TRIPS

DOUGIE
Shit.

BARRY
Oh, dear, Dorothy, try to keep your ballast on an even keel, girl.

PHILLIP
[JIMMY STEWART] Well here's the coffee, girls. Now who wants to marry me?

HE PLACES THE TRAY ON THE COFFEE TABLE

What's Geraldine barking about now?

BARRY
She's lost the plot again.

PHILLIP
And that's something new?

DANNY
For her, no.

DOUGIE
Miss Doormat 1991.

GERALD
Maybe I should get an analyst.

BARRY
Anything less than major surgery will be useless.

ALAN
Just be who you are, Gerald. Anything less would be a disappointment.

BARRY
Oh, a joke. What's the definition of disappointment?

PHILLIP
What?

BARRY
Being fucked all night by a man with a three inch dick and being kissed goodbye in the morning with a seven inch tongue.

DANNY
Ugh.

DOUGIE
You can take the girl out of the western suburbs...

ALL
But you'll never take the western suburbs out of the girl.

BARRY
Thank you.

GERALD
Where are we going dancing?

PHILLIP
Where else? The Shift, of course.

DOUGIE
We could always go to the Exchange.

BARRY
None of us possess that much slashed clothing.

DANNY
Why in God's name, would we want to go there?

GERALD
Men.

DOUGIE
We don't always have to go to the same place, you know.

GERALD
That's right. We could go somewhere different.

PHILLIP
You seem very eager to buck the system tonight, Geraldine.

DANNY
Watch your language.

GERALD
No I'm not.

DOUGIE
I think she's right. The Exchange sounds good to me.

BARRY
Well it would, wouldn't it? But the last thing I want to do is hang around a bunch of kiddies and their fag hags. If we're going for a dance then I want to make sure that half the men in there have had their balls drop.

PHILLIP
Same here. Call me old fashioned but I do like to insist that they at the very least have pubic hair.

ALAN
Preferably their own.

DANNY
It's not like the old days where a man's bar MEANT a man's bar and not some hangout for spotty-faced, acne-ridden dolly birds.

BARRY
When the music had a chorus you could lip sync to.

PHILLIP
Where is Gloria Gaynor when you need her?

BARRY
Every time you go on the dance floor these days some total spastic is doing a bit of performance art and everyone thinks they're with you.

PHILLIP
Or some big girl is swinging her arms around trying to decapitate anyone who gets into her flight path.

BARRY
Speaking of which. Have you noticed how everyone's into fisting these days?

DOUGIE
That's right. And they're so proud of it. It's like they've just sponsored an African child or something.

DANNY
Beware of tan lines up to the elbows, I say.

THE OTHERS LOOK AT HIM IN MOCK DISGUST.

BARRY
Where are the real men these days?

DANNY
Present company excluded of course.

ALL
Of course.

PHILLIP
Flannelette shirts.

DOUGIE
White T-Shirts.

DANNY
501's.

GERALD
Five o'clock shadow.

ALAN
Nice moustache.

BARRY
A real clone.

PHILLIP
Lovely big hands.

DANNY
Hairy chest .

DOUGIE
Big Pecs.

ALAN
Massive thighs.

BARRY
A little hair on the back.

PHILLIP
Whoa! Ride 'em, cowboy!

ALAN
Really sweaty.

GERALD
Beautiful clear skin.

DANNY
Just a little attitude.

BARRY
Dark eyes.

DANNY
Strong jaw.

PHILLIP
Juicy kissable spongy lips.

GERALD
Big hanging balls.

BARRY
Like duck eggs.

DOUGIE
An arse you could cut your teeth on.

DANNY
And a HUGE dick!

ALL
Arrgh!

THEY ALL SWOON

BARRY
Honestly. Anybody'd think we were all sex starved.

PHILLIP
We are.

DOUGIE
I feel like howling at the moon sometimes.

DANNY
At least you're getting it.

DOUGIE
You think so?

PHILLIP
Aren't you?

DOUGIE
Nope.

BARRY
What about Colin? I thought he was suppose to be the great love of your life.

DOUGIE
He IS the great love of my life. He just ain't the big lump in my bed.

DANNY
Why not?

DOUGIE
Because I haven't slept with him yet.

GERALD
You're kidding.

DOUGIE
Nope.

GERALD
Shit. I'd sleep with him at the drop of a hat.

DANNY
You'd sleep with anybody. With or without a hat.

DOUGIE
We have a much deeper relationship. One that doesn't need sex to fulfil it.

PHILLIP
You mean he's got a small dick.

DOUGIE
No, of course he hasn't.

DANNY
He's probably hung like a budgie.

GERALD
I don't know why everyone worries about the size of someone's dick. Size ain't that important.

PHILLIP
That's rich coming from Princess Teeny Meat, herself.

GERALD
Why are all gay guys obsessed with the size of each other's dicks?

BARRY
You tell 'em, needle-dick!

DANNY
Listen, it ain't all gay guys but if it's alright for yobbo straights to talk about women's tits then we can talk about the size of someone's schlong.

ALAN
You know what they say. It's not the quantity. It's the quality.

DANNY
The person who invented that saying must have been a bug fucker!

DOUGIE
Look, it's not that so just shut up. I don't want to talk about it.