Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.

This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
 

Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O. Box 445, Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone 61 2  9281 9622
Fax 61 2   9212 7100
raftos@raftos.com.au
 

Copyright © Steven Dawson 1991.

Characters

Alan
Phillip
Gerald
Dougie
Barry
Danny
Colin/Michael
 

First Performance
August 7, 1991
Stables Theatre
Sydney, Australia
 
 
 

Cast As Follows
 

Alan	Adam Stone
Colin/Michael	John Price
Phillip	David Brown
Gerald	Geoffrey Harford
Dougie	Peter Bodnar
Barry	Robert Shea
Danny	Jamie Oxenbould
Directed by	Stuart Chalmers
Set & Costume Designer	Terry Ryan
Lighting Designer	Shane Stephens
Stage Manager	Kaarin Dombrowski

PROLOGUE

THERE IS THE SOUND OF WAVES IN THE BACKGROUND. A SMALL SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON ALAN.

ALAN
[CALLING OUT] Michael!

ANOTHER SMALL SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON MICHAEL. HE IS WEARING A PAIR OF SPEEDOS AND HE IS SOAKING WET FROM JUST HAVING A SWIM. THEY DO NOT FACE EACH OTHER. HE YELLS LOUDER.

Michael!

MICHAEL
What!

ALAN
Don't you dare scream at me.

MICHAEL
Well, what do you want?

ALAN
We have to go.

MICHAEL
One last dip.

ALAN
No, we'll be late. It's gonna take us an hour to get home as it is and we have to be at Barry and Danny's by eight.

MICHAEL
I don't care. Come on....come and have a swim with me. You've hardly been in the water.

ALAN
No thank you. I'm always afraid if I go near the water some conservationist will push me back in saying "Keep her wet, keep her wet".

MICHAEL
Just come in for a moment.

ALAN
No. Did you know there were men, humping away behind those rocks over there?

MICHAEL
Really? That's disgusting. [BEAT] Where?

ALAN
Just over past those rocks....and never you mind.

MICHAEL
Maybe we picked the wrong place. Let's move over near the rocks.

ALAN
No....come on. Get dressed.

MICHAEL
Ow!

ALAN
What's the matter?

MICHAEL
A stitch, I think.

ALAN
Are you alright now?

MICHAEL
Yeah....Look at this. [HE POSES] Doesn't this body drive you wild?

ALAN
It drives me to drink. Don't be such a show-off. If you're gonna have a swim then hurry up or I'm going without you.

MICHAEL
If you're nice to me I'll let you bury me in the sand.

ALAN
Only if it's face down.

MICHAEL
Come for a swim.

ALAN
I don't want to. I sink, remember.

MICHAEL
I'll take care of you.

ALAN
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of but I ain't playing Harold Holt for you. The last thing I need is to be washed up on some foreign beach with seaweed in my shorts, thanks very much.

MICHAEL
I won't let anything happen to you. I'll hold on to you.

ALAN
Yeah?

MICHAEL
Always. Come on in.

MICHAEL RUNS OFF

ALAN
Alright. But don't go out too far, Michael. Oh, wait for me, you mongrel, wait for me!
 

THE SOUND OF THE SURF BUILDS UP AS THE LIGHT FADES.
 

ACT ONE
 

THE SOUND OF WAVES FADES. A SMALL SPOT COMES UP ON ALAN IN A KIMONO DRESSING GOWN.

ALAN
Alright, I went to see your mum and dad. It was okay except that they didn't say boo to me for about an hour. I guess they have enough to remind them of you about the house without my being shoved down their throats as well. One thing I did notice was that photo of you in your swimmers when we went down to the Royal National Park wasn't there anymore. Well, it's gone. I couldn't see it anywhere. I remember it used to be on top of their television but it wasn't there this time. It was a good photo too. I remember because I took it. So we had some talk about what I was doing with myself these days but I could tell they weren't interested. I know they don't have to like me but do they have to make it so obvious. Anyway I'm not going back there again. As you always said, "They can well and truly go fuck themselves!" At least I think you use to say that. Maybe it was me. But all the way home I kept thinking about that photograph and how you looked in those Speedos. I don't think I have any of those shots of you like that and do you think I could find the negative! Why didn't I take some shots of you starkers. You...not me! Give me something to wank over. I still had a wank anyway just thinking about that photo of you in the Speedos. [MUSIC FILTERS IN FAINTLY OF STRAUSS' FOUR LAST SONGS "BIEM SCHLAFENGEHEM] I use to watch you just standing there and I'd think I was the luckiest bastard alive. When we went out to the bars or whatever, people always stared at you. They never stared at me first glance. It was always as an afterthought. Well that's me, dear. An after thought. And don't say you never noticed them because I always saw the glazed over look in your eyes. The way you use to position yourself just so they'd get a better eyeful. You were such a conceited bastard sometimes. And I'd get so jealous, do you remember? You never said anything though. You'd just let me stew for hours and then I'd feel like it was all my fault. But then after awhile I figured it out. I had you. They didn't. Even when you were sick I used to get horny just looking at you. I never told you that, did I? It didn't matter that you were all bones. Not to me. All the important bits were still there. At least as far as I could remember. I just wanted to make love to you the way we used to for hours when we first met. Not the quick gropes for five minutes it ended up like after a few years. I could close my eyes and dream it was still you the way you were before you got sick. When we use to lay in bed and have a candle burning by the bed and we'd wrap up in the doona. Sometimes you would pull the covers over my head and cut the cheese talking about Auschwitz and Dutch ovens. God but you were revolting sometimes! Still, you always made me laugh. But then there were times when we would just lay there and hold each other and kiss. You'd put on some classical shit like Strauss and I'd drift off and we'd make love so slowly it was like a dream and nothing seemed real anymore. It felt like we were the only two people left in the world and we'd touch and flow like some kind of ocean tide. [PAUSE THEN THE MUSIC STOPS  SUDDENLY] Shit! How Jane Olivor can you get! I better get ready. Tonight I dine with coyotes....and may the food be sweet, the atmosphere; warm and the company; kind. [PAUSE] Fat chance!

BLACKOUT
 

MUSIC FILTERS THROUGH OF JANE OLIVOR SINGING ALWAYS CHASING RAINBOWS. THE LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY ON A SMALL APARTMENT IN SYDNEY RESPECTABLY FURNISHED WITH A SOFA IN THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE; TWO MATCHING CHAIRS ON EITHER SIDE; A SMALL COFFEE TABLE DOWNSTAGE CENTRE. TO THE RIGHT OF THE STAGE IS A SMALL DRINKS TABLE AND NEXT TO IT, STEREO. THE FRONT DOOR IS UPSTAGE NEXT TO IT. THE OTHER DOOR STAGE LEFT LEADS TO THE BEDROOM. BEYOND THE SOFA IS A KITCHEN/DINING AREA. THE ROOM IS SLIGHTLY MESSY WITH OLD RECORD COVERS, CUSHIONS, NEWSPAPERS, ETC. IN THE CENTRE OF THE COFFEE TABLE IS A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH OF MICHAEL. AS THE LIGHTS COME UP WE SEE ALAN; A YOUNG MAN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES STANDING BY THE STEREO HOLDING THE RECORD COVER IN ONE HAND AND A GLASS IN THE OTHER. THE SONG COMES TO AN END.

ALAN
Oh! sing it, bitch!

HE PICKS UP THE RECORD BUT DROPS IT.

Oh shit! That's Danny's record. He's gonna burst his bag.

HE PICKS UP THE RECORD AND WIPES IT ACROSS HIS HIP

I know. If he tries to play it I'll tell him the stereo's broken.

HE REPLACES THE RECORD ON THE TURNTABLE. THE BUZZER SOUNDS. ALAN ANSWERS IT

Who is it?

VOICE
[OFF] It's me.

ALAN
Oh! Phillip, just a minute. Er..I was in the shower.

HE STARTS TRYING TO CLEAN UP THE FLAT.

VOICE
[OFF] Don't bother cleaning up, Lana. Just let me in.

ALAN BUZZES HIM IN. PHILLIP ENTERS.

PHILLIP
Don't tell me. I know I'm early. I got a cab. I just had to get out of that bloody flat. Barry's gone on one of her house moving benders again. Wanted to move the furniture 40 minutes before we're suppose to leave. I said to him, I said "Barry, wait till tomorrow. We're gonna be late . We're suppose to be at Alan's at eight." He says "Oh, it's just the lounge. It keeps getting hit by the sun everyday. It'll fade and lose all it's colour." So he moves the lounge and then decides that the chairs look strange where they are. Then the fern was too close to the coffee table to give the right effect. He said it was leaning to one side. I was going to say something filthy but you know he never gets my jokes. He says if anyone sits down on the coffee table they get attacked by the plant. "Bit like a Triffid" he says. "Bit like a dickhead" I said. He pouts and starts pounding the cushions And of course David just stands there with that stupid "Well, you said he could move in" look on his face. It's times like that I could smack his chops. I can't understand how anyone could have Barry as a boyfriend. It's no wonder Danny kicked him out. I tell you, the schmuck who has a bank manager for a boyfriend deserves everything they get. Anyone as boring as that has got to be a frustrated interior decorator just dying to paint the backdrop for a grotty production of Naughty Marietta in the local musical society. [HE FINALLY NOTICES WHAT ALAN IS WEARING] Why aren't you dressed?

ALAN
Fine thanks, Phillip. How are you?

PHILLIP
Don't be a martyr, Lana. You're not ready to go out.

ALAN
I'm just running a little late, that's all.

PHILLIP
Well, thank Christ for that. I thought for a moment you were going as Madame Butterfly and we'd have to pack the cutlery.

ALAN
Whose car are we going in? Don't forget mine is still in the garage getting your bump out of my fender.

PHILLIP
Don't keep bringing that up again. What can I say? I was on drugs. Who's not drinking at the moment?

ALAN
That depends. Who's on penicillin this week?

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER

BOTH
Danny.

PHILLIP
I swear he just has to wave his dick in the air and he gets a dose.

ALAN
He's done that often enough. So have you as well.

PHILLIP
Anything for a free drink.

ALAN
We know.

PHILLIP
Thank you very much but I was referring to Danny.

ALAN
Nothing worse than a tight northern suburbs queen.

PHILLIP
That's a bit harsh, dear. Is something wrong?

ALAN
No, nothing. Why?

PHILLIP
Well, you're not usually that eager to fling the ka-ka.

ALAN
I'm just a bit uptight, that's all. I'm not sure I feel like going out tonight. It's been a while.

PHILLIP
Don't be such a tit! It's been six months. Too long, I know. You need this. We ALL need this. And don't forget we're doing this for your benefit. So smile, try to look happy and pretend you're enjoying yourself. Otherwise I'll wait for you to get pissed and kick the shit out of you!

ALAN
Choice.

PHILLIP
I have my moments.

ALAN
I'm surprised you can even remember them.

PHILLIP
I don't. I leave that for bitches like you.

ALAN
I still remember you pulling your undies over your head in the middle of Oxford Street.

PHILLIP
Oh don't exaggerate. [BEAT] They weren't mine anyway. They were someone else's.

ALAN
Oh, that's right. Then you ended up here on my sofa at 2.30 in the morning not daring to go home to Daisy and face almost certain divorce.

PHILLIP
I know, I know. And you covered for me.

ALAN
And I covered for you, yes! But just remember, one word to implicate me in your sordid little life and Daisy gets it all in glorious technicolour.

PHILLIP
It's such a pity your sister died in that accident and not you.

ALAN
What accident?

PHILLIP
When that house landed on her and someone stole her ruby slippers!

ALAN
I'm just amazed he hasn't caught on to you yet.

PHILLIP
He won't. I have a very close sister who wouldn't dare spill the beans. As far as Daisy is concerned, any night I'm out late, I'm with you.

ALAN
You think it's easy looking him straight in the face and lying to him because his boyfriend's turned into Superslut.

PHILLIP
There could be a microwave oven in your Christmas stocking, this year.

ALAN
The things I do for a major appliance.

PHILLIP
He wouldn't believe you anyway.

ALAN
Why not?

PHILLIP
Because it's totally beyond him to do anything with anyone else and he thinks the same about me.

ALAN
Well that's very Melanie Hamilton of him, isn't it?

PHILLIP
It works out. Now enough talking about moi. What are we going to do about you?

ALAN
What do you mean?

PHILLIP
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, tonight, of course. We's got to find you a new gentleman caller or everyone's gonna know you're a cripple, Laura.

ALAN
I'm not going out looking for anyone.

PHILLIP
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] An' ah told you an' ah done tol' you, sugar, you's gots to find yourself a man or'n folks is gonna starts to callin you a lesbian!

ALAN
I'm just out for dinner and a little dancing, that's all. And the way I feel at present I don't even want to do that!

PHILLIP
What are you gonna do? Lock yourself up?

ALAN
Why not?

PHILLIP
Don't be so bloody stupid! You've been cooped up in this flat for four months and there's no excuse anymore. Michael's gone, honey, and there ain't nothing you can do about it. You gotta get on with your life. [PAUSE] Shit, I'm starting to sound like a social worker.

ALAN
It takes a while, okay, Phillip?

PHILLIP
Bullshit! Don't you use that excuse on me. The way you go on you'd think  you're the only person who's ever lost someone. I've been through it too. Most of this town has. When Leslie died I was a wreck. But I'm sure he wouldn't want me sitting around in black for the rest of my life...even if black is my best colour. Come to think of it, maybe he would. He never could stand to see me enjoy myself. That's why he always laid on his stomach BUT that's beside the point, you do the grieving and then move on. That's what it's all about. And that's what we're gonna do tonight. Me and all your Monday night friends. We're gonna drag, and I use that term loosely, that miserable wreck of a body of yours out for a night on the town and you're gonna have so much fun, you'll be begging us to slap you! Okay?

ALAN
I suppose.

PHILLIP
Always were a gem with the replies. Come on. Get ready. Everyone's gonna be here soon.

ALAN
Where are we eating?

PHILLIP
Danny's booked us into some new place some queen's just opened. It's called Il Cavallo Ben Dotato.

ALAN
What's it mean?

PHILLIP
The Well Hung Horse, I think.

ALAN
Tasteful.

PHILLIP
Never could resist a faggy name. But I kept telling her, just because they're gay doesn't mean they can cook! Just take a look at Dougie. I'm still recovering from his last dinner party. The gravy took the colour out of my tie. Oh, and by the way, she's found herself a new beau.

ALAN
Who? Dougie?

PHILLIP
Uh-huh . A barman. Comes from out west.

ALAN
What's this one like then?

PHILLIP
Oh, you know...

BOTH
Tall.

ALAN
They always are.

PHILLIP
This one's a real shit-kicker, so I've been told. Built like a German Female Javelin thrower.

ALAN
A new one every week. How does he do it?

PHILLIP
With a milk crate, I expect.

ALAN
Well, at least he won't crease his Levis.

PAUSE

PHILLIP
I don't get it.

ALAN
Think about it.

PHILLIP
I'd rather not.

THE BUZZER SOUNDS AND STARTS TO GO INTO A RHYTHM. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

BOTH
Gerald.

PHILLIP
I thought he was away.

ALAN
[BUZZING HIM IN] So did I.

PHILLIP SIGNALS FOR THEM BOTH TO HIDE BEHIND THE SOFA. GERALD ENTERS WEARING FLORAL SHIRT AND MATCHING SHORTS. HE IS CARRYING A SUITCASE. ALAN AND PHILLIP JUMP UP AND FRIGHTEN HIM.

BOTH
Hi, Geraldine!!

THE SMILE DISAPPEARS QUICKLY FROM HIS FACE. HE PUTS DOWN HIS SUITCASE.

GERALD
[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Hi Alan. Hello Phillip. How are we all?

PHILLIP
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Why, we's jus' fine, Geraldine. How are you?

GERALD
Phillip, don't call me Geraldine.

PHILLIP
Fine with me, Gillian.

GERALD
I ain't no girl. Boy that gets on my tits.

PHILLIP
Bouncy, bouncy.

GERALD KISSES ALAN ON THE CHEEK

GERALD
Hello, gorgeous. How's it hanging?

PHILLIP
Oh, God. The butch brigade's arrived.

GERALD IS ABOUT TO KISS PHILLIP ON THE CHEEK THEN DECIDES TO MESS UP HIS HAIR.

Not the hair, not the hair! I've just had it sand-blasted, you poxy slag.

GERALD
I see Cruella Deville time-warped in again.

PHILLIP
On the look-out for stray dogs, honey. Busy tonight?

GERALD
I reckon that's just about your level.

PHILLIP
Woof!

GERALD SITS ON THE CHAIR DOWNSTAGE RIGHT.

ALAN
How was the trip, Gerald?

GERALD
Really good, thanks.

PHILLIP
Short break from space-waitressing was it?

GERALD
Phillip, I happen to take my job very seriously. Being a flight attendant's not as easy as you seem to think. If you mean how is my job, it's shithouse! But I think I'll be in line for a promotion pretty soon.

PHILLIP
Oh, my lord, they're gonna move him up to First Class. My, my, this boy's going places. Well, the sky's the limit, if you'll pardon the pun. We're gonna have to watch this one. Here we go. And the exits are there, there, there and there.

HE MIMES PUSHING A TROLLEY AND THE AIRPLANE EXITS ROUTINE THEN SITS DOWN.

GERALD
Cute. You should get yourself a club act.

PHILLIP
Sweetheart, I am a club act.

ALAN
Been somewhere tropical, Gerald?

GERALD
How'd you know that?

ALAN
Took a punt, I guess.

GERALD
Yeah. I spent a week on the Gold Coast. I only remembered the dinner party this afternoon. Totally forgot about it.

PHILLIP
So what else is new.

GERALD
So I jumped on the first plane home. I love our Monday nights. Wouldn't miss one for the world. Good to see you've joined the land of the living again, Alan.

PHILLIP ALMOST CHOKES ON HIS DRINK.

GERALD
Oh, shit, Alan,...I didn't mean anything...like...I wasn't trying to be funny ...Sorry...er, look, Alan, do you mind if  I borrow one of your shirts? All my clothes are filthy. Or do you think I could get away with this?

PHILLIP
Oh, I think that would be perfect.

ALAN
I'll get you one.

ALAN GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. PHILLIP POINTS TO THE SOFA SEAT NEXT TO HIM AND GERALD SITS DOWN.

PHILLIP
Gerald, honey, mind if I ask you a question?

GERALD
[SUSPICIOUSLY] What?

PHILLIP
Tell me. Out of all the places in the world you can fly to, why is it you would pick the Gold Coast?

GERALD
I don't like flying that much.

PHILLIP
You're an airline steward and you don't like flying. Of course. Silly me.

GERALD
No, what I mean is, I can't relax around foreigners. They're not exactly the nicest sort of people.

PHILLIP
[SENDING HIM UP] Der....That's why they're called foreigners, honey. It sort of comes with the territory.

THEY START TICKLING EACH OTHER. PHILLIP JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM AS ALAN COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM WITH A SHIRT.

ALAN
Here you are, Gerald. Leave him alone, Phillip.

PHILLIP
[HOLDING UP HIS HANDS] Do you see any blood?

ALAN
Not through that cheap nail varnish.

PHILLIP
Jungle red.

GERALD CHANGES INTO HIS SHIRT

PHILLIP
Oooh, don't rush it, honey. In this light you can hardly see the Velcro holding it all together.

ALAN
Been working out, Gerald?

GERALD
Oh, you can tell?

BOTH
No.

GERALD
I hate it when you guys do that.

ALAN
Would anyone like a drink?

GERALD
No, thanks.

PHILLIP
I will.

ALAN
Did I have to ask?

HE GOES TO THE DRINKS TABLE

GERALD
Is everyone coming tonight?

PHILLIP
As far as we know.

GERALD
Great. It'll be just like old times, won't it.

ALAN
I doubt it.

PHILLIP
Shut up.

GERALD
Oh, will...er...Dougie be here, then? Yeah, I guess he would be, wouldn't he?

PHILLIP
Of course he will be, you putz. It's our Monday night. Dougie is part of the group, you know.

ALAN
Down, fang.

PHILLIP
You seem a tad bothered, Geraldine.

GERALD
What? Er...No I'm not. Why d'you say that?

PHILLIP
You've gone a touch Blanche Du Bois, all of a sudden.

ALAN
Just a little jet lag. Isn't that right, Gerald?

GERALD
Yeah, of course. Jet lag.

PHILLIP
From a one hour flight?

GERALD
I haven't been sleeping much lately.

BOTH
Slut.

PHILLIP
Geraldine, are you keeping something from your aunt Phyllis? Something I should know about?

GERALD
No. Of course not. Why? Did Dougie said anything?

PHILLIP
I haven't seen her in weeks.

GERALD
Oh, well, that's alright then.

PHILLIP IS JUST ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN THE BUZZER RINGS. GERALD GETS UP

GERALD
I'll get it.

HE GOES AND BUZZES THE DOOR OPENS. DOUGIE SCREAMS IN. A SHORT MAN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES. STANDING NEXT TO HIM IS COLIN; A MUCH TALLER MAN, THE SAME ACTOR AS MICHAEL. GERALD IS IMMEDIATELY ATTRACTED TO HIM.

DOUGIE
Hello, Geraldine.

HE GETS NO RESPONSE FROM GERALD SO HE SWEEPS INTO THE ROOM. COLIN STANDS JUST INSIDE THE DOORWAY NEXT TO GERALD.

Phyllis sweetheart. So good to see you up and about. Though I'm surprised you got your walking frame up all those stairs.

PHILLIP
Fuck you.

DOUGIE
Now I've told you before, don't try to hide your convent education. Our Lady of The Sacred Bleeding Armpits is written all over the front of your pinny. Alan, precious, as usual you'll be able to bring a little class to this menagerie of misfits, tonight. [HE TURNS TO GERALD] How are you, Geraldine? [THEY GO TO EMBRACE THEN DOUGIE CUTS HIM OFF] Oh, dear, I almost forgot.

HE GOES TO COLIN AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE ROOM

Everyone, I'd like you to meet Colin. Colin... everyone. Lana, Phyllis and Geraldine.

THEY ALL MUMBLE THEIR HELLOS

DOUGIE
Aren't they the most wordy bunch? Normally you can't turn them off.

PHILLIP
You've never had that problem, have you dear?

ALAN
Down, girls.

DOUGIE
Isn't Colin a dish, ladies? I met him at the pub. He's the new barman. First time in the big smoke. I took one look at him then melted. We just stood there gazing into each other's eyes.

PHILLIP
Until someone told you to get off the counter.

DOUGIE IGNORES HIM

DOUGIE
I swear it was love at first sight.

PHILLIP
Oh, my lord, they're gonna start having babies.

DOUGIE
Jealous?

PHILLIP
Not at all. I find the thought of going to bed with you utterly repulsive.

DOUGIE
If you're going to take cheap shots then have the decency to put your dentures in, dear. It's hard to understand you when you mumble and Colin has a slight hearing problem.

PHILLIP
Run out of cripples this week, dear?

DOUGIE
Well, if I wanted a sexual cripple I'd know just where to look.

ALAN
Don't take any notice of them, Colin. They're always like this. Deep down they really care for each other

PHILLIP
Of course. We're just like sisters.

DOUGIE
Siamese. Joined at the shoulder pad.

PHILLIP
Pass me the machete.

DOUGIE
Colin's not really a barman. He's just earning a little extra money. Actually, he's a student.

ALAN
Oh, yes? What are you studying, Colin?

DOUGIE
He's going to be an actor. Isn't that too sweet?

PHILLIP
Dreamy.

COLIN
I'm just doing classes, that's all. I don't even know if it's what I want to do.

DOUGIE
But he's so talented. [TO PHILLIP] In all departments. You watch. One day some big agent is bound to notice him and then it'll be stage door johnnies every night clambering for his autograph...

COLIN
I really don't think...

DOUGIE
And I'll be just another Chekhov widow staring off into the distance.

ALAN
Oh, Jesus.

PHILLIP
Quick. Get me a bucket.

DOUGIE
Will a trough do?

ALAN
Colin, why don't you sit down.

COLIN
Thanks.

COLIN SITS IN THE CHAIR DOWNSTAGE RIGHT.

ALAN
Can I get you a drink, Colin?

DOUGIE
Bourbon, dear. Lots of ice. That's for me.

ALAN
Colin?

COLIN
Beer, if you have any.

ALAN
Sure. Anyone else?

PHILLIP
Make mine a triple.

ALAN
Of?

PHILLIP
Don't get fussy.

DOUGIE
Oh, it's going to be one of them nights again, is it?

PHILLIP
Does the Pope shit in the woods? [HE LOOKS AT COLIN] Is it me or....no ....never mind.

ALAN
What?

PHILLIP
It's just that...excuse me, Colin, but you look like someone we know.

GERALD
[EXCITED] He looks like Michael.

DOUGIE
That's what I said the first time I met him. I said "Doesn't he look like Michael?"

ALAN
Not really. I don't think so.

PHILLIP
Well I think it's uncanny.

ALAN TURNS TO THEM WITH A SAVAGE LOOK IN HIS EYES.

DOUGIE
[CHANGING THE SUBJECT QUICKLY] Mm-mm. I must say I've missed our Monday nights, Alan. You don't mind my bringing Colin along tonight, do you? I know it's our first night back and all but this is Colin's one evening off and I couldn't leave baby sitting at home all on his lonesome. Say you don't mind.

ALAN
Why should I mind? You're quite welcome to come along, Colin.

GERALD
That's for sure!

THEY ALL LOOK AT GERALD; SURPRISED BY HIS OUTBURST

Er...what I mean is...er...the more the merrier, right?

PHILLIP
I think Geraldine is forming eggs.

COLIN
Dougie told me you all use to go out every Monday night. That must be great. I feel a bit like an intruder. You sure you don't mind my coming along?

DOUGIE
Of course they don't. You don't know this group. They thrive on new blood. Just keep your collar high.

PHILLIP
And your pants low.

COLIN
I'll remember. It's really nice meeting you all. I don't know that many people in the city.

PHILLIP
How long have you been here?

COLIN
Two weeks.

PHILLIP
Jesus! Dorothy didn't take long to pounce.

ALAN
Never does.

DOUGIE
Watch it.

GERALD
Where are you from?

COLIN
Middle of the state. Small town. You wouldn't know it. I guess the biggest place I've ever been to is Dubbo.

PHILLIP
So you really are a shitkicker. Oh this is prime. Well, Dougie, you've outdone yourself this time.

DOUGIE
Why don't you just do yourself this time, queen.

GERALD
I come from a small town.

PHILLIP
Don't we know it.

DOUGIE
Where are the rest of the girls?

ALAN
They'll be here.

PHILLIP
Barry's probably tearing up the carpets as we speak.

ALAN
Oh, Danny called earlier. He wanted to know if it would be alright for him to bring someone along.

DOUGIE
Who?

ALAN
He didn't say. Someone he met at the pub, I think.

PHILLIP
Well, what did you say?

ALAN
I said I didn't think anyone would mind.

PHILLIP
Oh Jesus. Well you can break it to Barry. You know how thingy he gets about the inner sanctum. [REFERRING TO COLIN] It's gonna be hard enough explaining lover-boy over there.

ALAN
I can handle him.

DOUGIE
So can I. As long as I'm using surgical tongs.

PHILLIP
Leave your nipple clamp fetish out of this, Dorothy.

ALAN
I heard he uses clothes pegs.

PHILLIP
Only when he has to improvise.

GERALD
And that's when they're still on the line.

THEY ALL LOOK AT GERALD

Sorry. Just getting into the flow of things.

DOUGIE
I hope you all get toxic shock from your panty shields.

ALAN
Well, I can't sit around sharing Bon mots with you lot.

GERALD
What's that?

DOUGIE
It's French, dear.

PHILLIP
Ah. Those were the days.

DOUGIE
Way back in the dark ages?

PHILLIP
Don't you start on about age. The only way we'll be able to tell yours is when the carbon dating comes back.

DOUGIE
Nonsense. I never try to hide my age.

PHILLIP
We know. It would be pointless when it's listed in all the medical journals.

DOUGIE
Colin knows my age. A youthful 29.

ALAN
That seems to be a very popular age with you, pet.

PHILLIP
I'll say. He's had it six times already. I suppose you told Colin those stretch marks around your mouth were from cheer leading?

DOUGIE
You're all vicious queens. Just because you're ugly does it mean you have to be bitter as well.

ALAN
I'll go and slip into something more comfortable.

PHILLIP
Quick. Hide the gladwrap and cooking oil.

ALAN GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. THE OTHERS SIGH AND TRY TO RELAX.

COLIN
Why would this Barry person mind if....Danny, is it?...

DOUGIE
Uh-huh.

COLIN
Danny brought someone along.

DOUGIE
Oh, sweetie, that heap big saga. Barry and Danny used to be boyfriends.

PHILLIP
[CLORIS LEACHMAN IN YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN] "Go on, say it! He was my boyfrieeend!!!"

DOUGIE
But a few years ago but they had a bit of a falling out.

PHILLIP
No dear. World War II was a bit of a falling out.

DOUGIE
And unfortunately there were children involved.

PHILLIP
It always gets messy when there's children.

COLIN
Children? They had children? I don't understand.

PHILLIP
Two cats and a tropical fish called Spiro.

DOUGIE
The two cats were easy to divide. Unfortunately Barry also tried to divide Spiro.....

PHILLIP
With Danny's face.

DOUGIE
[TO PHILLIP] Look, Phyllis, who's telling this damn story?!

PHILLIP
Things were very unpleasant for a while.

COLIN
And now?

PHILLIP
They're worse!

DOUGIE
They rarely talk to each other. We sometimes have to act as translators.

GERALD
They grunt at each other.

PHILLIP
When Barry first moved in with me, Danny use to call up in the middle of the night screaming at him for killing Spiro.

COLIN
All this over a fish?

GERALD
Not just a fish.

PHILLIP
A rare Japanese Carp.

DOUGIE
Eighteen thousand dollars worth.

COLIN
What?

PHILLIP
It was a status symbol. Danny may not have owned a car but he did have one fabulous fucking fish!

COLIN
Oh, shit. That's unbelievable.

DOUGIE
Believe It Or Not.

COLIN
So Barry's your boyfriend now, right?

PHILLIP
Wrong! Barry's my flatmate. We ended up sharing after Danny threw him out. God only knows how I let it happen. Barry's not the easiest person to lived with, I can tell you. No, my lover is David.

GERALD
Daisy.

PHILLIP
Daisy.

COLIN
And he's coming tonight, too?

PHILLIP
Not on your life! [GRIMLY] I want to enjoy myself.

DOUGIE
So much for love.

PHILLIP
Up yours!

DOUGIE
Charmed, I'm sure.

PHILLIP
The trouble is Barry and Danny still like each other.

DOUGIE
Luurrve.

PHILLIP
Okay. Luurrve.

DOUGIE
Every time we go out it's a lot of fun as long as you're not in the line of fire.

GERALD
Maybe they've calmed down by now. I mean, it has been six months since we last went out.

COLIN
Why?

PHILLIP
Well, sweetheart, once upon a time, long, long ago..

DOUGIE
There were seven evil queens who, every Monday night would dine, dance and tear each other to shreds. Barry, Phyllis, Geraldine, Danny, Alan, Michael and myself.

COLIN
Who is this Michael, anyway?

PHILLIP
Michael died six months ago.

COLIN
Oh? How did he die?

DOUGIE
That’s not really import...

GERALD
He died of AIDS.

PHILLIP AND DOUGIE EXPLODE

DOUGIE
Jesus, Gerald! What the hell...

PHILLIP
For Christ's sakes Gerald, can't you shut your mouth!

GERALD
I'm sorry, I...

PHILLIP
No-one has to know that!

DOUGIE
Bloody hell!

GERALD
It was an accident.

DOUGIE
You're the accident!

COLIN
Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.

PHILLIP
Nonsense. Geraldine here has a big box, that's all.

DOUGIE
Never knows when to shut it.

GERALD
I said I was sorry.

PHILLIP
It's too late now. The damage is done. Let's just drop it.

COLIN
It's my fault. Don't blame Gerald. It's just that I've never known anyone who died from that. No-one. Is that him in the photo?

GERALD
Uh-huh.

COLIN
He's very good looking.

DOUGIE
He was our one knight in shining armour. So happy.

GERALD
A great guy.

DOUGIE
We were all very upset when he went.

GERALD
Shattered, more like it.

DOUGIE
We knew it was coming though and at least he had us.

GERALD
I still miss him.

DOUGIE
Michael was Alan's boyfriend.

COLIN
How long were they together?

PHILLIP
[QUIETLY] Nine years.

DOUGIE
A record in my book.

PHILLIP
We put our Monday nights on hold for a while.

DOUGIE
Till Alan was ready.

PHILLIP
But you're not to mention it to him, okay?

COLIN
I swear.

PHILLIP
That goes for you too, Gerald.

DOUGIE
We don't want him to be reminded. It's gonna be hard enough as it is.

PHILLIP
That's enough of that subject, thank you.

THE BUZZER RINGS

I'll get it.

HE PRESSES THE BUZZER. BARRY ENTERS WEARING LEATHER VEST, CHAPS AND CAP. HE CARRIES A BUNCH OF FLOWERS.

BARRY
Okay, if any shithead says I'm late they get a swift kick to the back box.

DOUGIE
Beulah, darling, you always were one for a big entrance.

PHILLIP
And Beulah has the biggest entrance known to man.

BARRY
Don't push your luck, Phyllis. I've had enough of you already.

DOUGIE
And like her food we know Beulah never shares with anyone.

BARRY
Phyllis, have we done the line about the ruby slippers?

PHILLIP
Done.

BARRY
Bitch! You always take my best lines. Where's Lana?

GERALD
Getting ready.

BARRY
[CALLING OUT] Something nice, Lana. None of your crimplene boob tubes and chunky thongs. Where's the mutant?

PHILLIP
 If you're referring to Danny, he hasn't arrived yet.

BARRY FINALLY NOTICES COLIN.

BARRY
And who are we, then?

DOUGIE
We are the swamp creature, Beulah, didn't you know?

BARRY
Dorothy....you're short, you're fat and you're ugly. Cut your losses...kill yourself!

PHILLIP
No, don't hold back, Beulah, say what you feel.

BARRY
I want to know who this is.

DOUGIE
[DRAPING HIMSELF OVER THE BACK OF COLIN'S CHAIR] Oh, this old thing. I've had it for years.

PHILLIP
Just like most of Beulah's wardrobe.

BARRY
Who rattled your cage, woman?

DOUGIE
Barry, this is Colin. Colin, this is Barry.

COLIN
Nice to meet you.

BARRY
[COLDLY] Ditto, I'm sure.

DOUGIE
Barry, Colin is my date for tonight.

THERE IS A PAUSE WHILE EVERYONE WAITS FOR BARRY'S REACTION. BARRY TURNS TO LOOK AT DOUGIE THEN BACK AT COLIN.

BARRY
How tall are you, Colin?

DOUGIE
Fuck off, Beulah!

BARRY
[TO DOUGIE] Down, Rinnie, down. Naughty girl. You know, he looks just like Michael.

PHILLIP
That's what we said. [CALLING OUT] Alan, get your poor white trash arse out here this minute, girl, or we're leaving without you.

GERALD
Yeah, come on Alan. I'm starving.

BARRY
For grey matter, we know.

ALAN ENTERS WEARING NEW CLOTHES

ALAN
Hello, Barry. How are you?

BARRY
Shut up bitch and get me a drink. I've been here a full half minute and a glass has not crossed my path. What kind of cheap bordello are you running here anyway, Blanche?

ALAN
I hear you've been redecorating, Barry.

BARRY
Yes. And I think I've hurt my back as well.

PHILLIP
How did you do that?

BARRY
Moving your wardrobe. Oh and I've decided you need new curtains for your room.

PHILLIP
Well, thank you.

BARRY
Not at all.

BARRY NOTICES GERALD AGAIN

And here we have Geraldine, skulking away in the shadows.

PHILLIP
It's his favourite haunt.

BARRY
No, that's not his favourite haunt, these days, is it, Geraldine? No, our girl has found herself a new playground.

GERALD
I don't know what you're on about.

BARRY
No?

PHILLIP
What are you talking about, Beulah?

BARRY
Far be it from me to spread the dirt.

DOUGIE
Shut your guts, Beulah!

BARRY
Oh, sorry dear. I'd forgotten it was suppose to be a secret. Okay then, mum's the word. You won't get dick out of me, girls. You can torture me and I still won't tell a thing. Not a sausage. No sirree, bob.

PHILLIP
Geraldine, are you and Dorothy keeping something hidden? I knew it.

BARRY
Oh, it's probably half way round town by now. I don't know why you're being Sandra Sensitive, Dorothy. You're the one who blurted it out to me.

ALAN
Blurted out what?

BARRY
Well, it seems,...

DOUGIE
I'm warning you, Beulah.

BARRY
It seems Geraldine was in a certain notorious gentlemen's club the other week...

GERALD
It's not true. I wasn't there.

BARRY
Apparently in one of those very intimate cubbyhouses...You know the sort; vinyl decor, low wattage bulbs and not a decent throw pillow or indoor plant to be seen, our Miss Geraldine was having her married organs fondled and slapped by some stud through a hole in the wall.

ALAN
Oh, goodness.

PHILLIP
So what else is new? We've all been there. And Geraldine is famous for slinging her hook.

GERALD
Her what?...I mean, my what?

PHILLIP
Come to think of it, you're not exactly adverse to that sort of thing either, Beulah so fling not the mud, Slime Queen.

BARRY
We are not here to discuss moi.

ALAN
Fortunately.

BARRY
May I finish my story?

PHILLIP
Please tell. We're all ears.

BARRY
You better let your thighs know that, dear.

GERALD
It's not very interesting. Anyone like another drink?

BARRY
Well, once Geraldine had consummated her marriage with Mr Right on the other side of the wall and rid herself of child....

ALAN
Oh, yuk!

BARRY
Out she steps to find herself face to face with Dorothy stepping out of the next cubicle.

ALAN AND PHILLIP START SCREAMING IN HYSTERICS.

GERALD
It's not true!

BARRY
Oh, no?

DOUGIE
You evil queen, Beulah.

GERALD
It wasn't me!

BARRY
As soon as they see each other they bolt in opposite directions so fast.

PHILLIP
Oh, this is too much! Dougie, how could you?

DOUGIE
How the hell was I suppose to know whose dick it was? I guess I'm one of the few people in this town who doesn't know every curve of that slut's member!

ALAN
Ugh!

GERALD
I'm not a slut!

BARRY
Well, Dorothy, at least you know what everyone else in this town has been trying to avoid.

GERALD
It's not funny, you vicious queens! It wasn't my fault. [TO DOUGIE] Why'd you have to tell him that for?! [TO BARRY] It wasn't me. Just someone who looks like me, that's all.

PHILLIP AND ALAN ARE STILL HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER.

PHILLIP
Well, there's only one way to find out. We'll have a line up. Dougie, get on your knees. We'll blindfold you and you can tell us whose dick it is.

DOUGIE
Oh you really are sick!

PHILLIP
Get over it, girl!

DOUGIE
[TO BARRY] I wish the hell I never mentioned it to you.

BARRY<