The Boy On The Beach

A play by Steven Dawson

 

 

 

 

 

Characters

 

Craig

Michael

Luke

Ramon/Raoul

Todd

 

 

 

 

 

All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.

Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.

This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

 

Any application for performance must be made to:

 

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD

P.O. Box 445, Paddington

NSW, Australia, 2021

Telephone 61 2  9281 9622

Fax 61 2   92127100

raftos@raftos.com.au

 

 

© Copyright. Steven Dawson. January 2008

 

First Performance  January 16th  2008

Mechanics Institute Performing Arts Centre

Melbourne

 

Cast

Craig                       Nathan Butler

Michael                   Adrian Corbett

Ramon/Raoul         Anthony Jelinic

Luke                       Felix Allsop

Todd                       Lee Threadgold

 

 

Directed and designed by Steven Dawson

Produced by Out Cast Theatre


 

LIGHTS COME UP ON THE CAST ONSTAGE SCREAMING. TODD IS ON CRAIG’S BACK. CRAIG IS TRYING TO SHAKE HIM OFF. TODD PULLS CRAIG’S WIG OFF. CRAIG SCREAMS. TODD  PICKS UP THE SMALL KNIFE FROM THE TABLE AND STARTS CHASING CRAIG AROUND RAMON. THEY ARE SCREAMING AT HIM TO PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. THE OTHERS ARE TRYING TO GET CLOSE AND TAKE THE KNIFE AWAY. “JUST PUT DOWN THE KNIFE, YOU LUNATIC! DON’T HURT HIM! DON’T GET TOO CLOSE. WHAT DO WE DO? SOMEONE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE ETC.” THERE IS GENERAL MAYHEM AS THEY ARGUE WITH HIM AND EACH OTHER. MICHAEL GRABS THE BEACH BAG AND IS TRYING TO KNOCK THE KNIFE OUT OF TODD’S HAND. TODD LUNGES AND STABS MICHAEL UNDER THE ARM. THE OTHERS SCREAM AS MICHAEL STANDS STILL FOR A MOMENT. HIS EYES ROLL BACK. HE FALLS TO THE GROUND IN SHOCK. THE OTHERS SCREAM AGAIN

 

CRAIG

You fucking maniac! You’ve stabbed him! We’re calling the police. I’m going to fucking kill you!

 

TODD

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

 

TODD RUNS OFF

 

BLACKOUT

 

LIGHTS COME UP ON CRAIG, DRESSED IN FULL 50’S FLORAL ONE PIECE BATHING SUIT, MOVIE STAR MAKEUP AND LOW BRIMMED SUN HAT SITTING ON A CANVAS BEACH CHAIR, A SMALL BEACH BAG AND FOLD UP TABLE TO HIS SIDE WITH SOME APPLES AND A SMALL KNIFE. ON THE OTHER SIDE A SMALL BEACH UMBRELLA. MICHAEL ENTERS. HE LOOKS AROUND THEN SITS DOWN NOT FAR FROM CRAIG. RAMON WALKS PAST IN A PAIR OF SPEEDOS WEARING A CAP. THE OTHER TWO DO NOT SEE HIS FACE. THEY WATCH AS HE FLEXES, POSES THEN LOOKS OUT TO SEA. MICHAEL LOOKS AT CRAIG TO SEE IF HE IS WATCHING AS WELL. CRAIG SMILES THEN STARTS TO LOOK NAUSEOUS AND GRABS A PLASTIC BAG OUT OF HIS BEACH BAG. HE THROWS UP INTO IT. HE WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH A DAINTY HANDKERCHIEF THEN SWIGS FROM A BOTTLE OF VODKA THEN A FRESH BREATH SPRAY. HE SETTLES BACK. MICHAEL STARES AT HIM. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS CRAIG FEELS MICHAEL’S EYES UPON HIM. CRAIG TURNS AND GLARES AT HIM.

 

 

 

CRAIG

Yes?

 

MICHAEL

Nothing.

 

CRAIG

Good.

 

PAUSE

 

Good looking boy.

 

MICHAEL

What? Oh, yes. I guess so. If you’re in to that sort of thing.

 

CRAIG

Well I’m into that sort of thing. Looks like he could still pop.

 

MICHAEL

Er…right.

 

CRAIG

Though I have been known to be wrong when it comes to European looking boys. Most of them are whores.

 

MICHAEL

Okay.

 

CRAIG TAKES ANOTHER SWIG OF VODKA AND ALMOST CHOKES.

 

MICHAEL

Are you okay?

 

SHE SAYS NOTHING

 

I’m sorry.

 

CRAIG

You see that yacht?

 

MICHAEL

Yacht?

 

CRAIG

Yacht. Yacht! Do you see it?

 

MICHAEL

There’s only one yacht out there so yes I see it.

 

CRAIG

Lovely, isn’t it?

 

MICHAEL

If you like yachts then I guess it’s lovely.

 

CRAIG

I’d love to know who owns it. Not that I’m swept away with displays of wealth or anything. Sometimes I think it’s quite tacky showing off what you can afford to those that can’t. Gauche is very much the word de jour around here. But not that one. That’s the perfect size. Probably sleeps about 10. That’s a good size.

 

MICHAEL

I see.

 

CRAIG

Do you?

 

MICHAEL

Why are you talking about yachts? Do you want one?

 

CRAIG

Do you want to give me one?

 

MICHAEL

I don’t have that sort of…

 

CRAIG

Money? You don’t need money to have that. Just sleep with someone that does.

 

MICHAEL

Do you think that’ll bring you happiness?

 

CRAIG

Yes. Yes I do. I like to think big. Big dick, big bank balance and big chance of a stroke and early death. Now that’s a retirement plan you can depend on.

 

MICHAEL

Sounds mercenary.

 

CRAIG

Mercenary is not a word in my vocab. Poverty. That’s a word and one I wish to avoid.

 

MICHAEL

Okay.

 

CRAIG

So what do you do?

 

MICHAEL

Do?

 

CRAIG

For a quid. Are you a professional kind of guy?  You look the type.

 

MICHAEL

I work in a bank.

 

CRAIG

I’m sorry.

 

MICHAEL

That’s okay.

 

CRAIG

So you get to play with other people’s money?

 

MICHAEL

I guess.

 

CRAIG

And let me guess. You’re far too honourable to clean out some old rude and rich Toorak Twat’s bank account and head to Mykonos for the duration?

 

MICHAEL

I am.

 

CRAIG

You’ll just live out your dreary existence handling other people’s money. Secretly hating all those platinum card holders who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire when what you really should do is  stick it to them like they deserve.

 

MICHAEL

Probably.

 

CRAIG

Well that’s lovely. Good luck with all your success.

 

MICHAEL

And what do you do?

 

CRAIG

Look at me. Obviously I am a lady of leisure.

 

MICHAEL

I can see that. You look well prepared.

 

CRAIG

And preserved. I’ve got so many chemicals inside me if they pulled me out of the ice in a thousand years I’d still be standing upright, holding my last daiquiri.

 

MICHAEL

So you don’t work?

 

CRAIG

Well, this conversation seems to have become a full time job.

 

MICHAEL

I’m sorry.

 

CRAIG

No, no. I’m the one who should be sorry. I really shouldn’t be snappy with strangers. Around here one is likely to get a knife in the neck. I’m just a tad testy at the moment. [BEAT] Said the scrotum to the schlong.

 

MICHAEL

Nice.

 

CRAIG

I’m a trust fund baby.

 

MICHAEL

Really?

 

CRAIG

Yes indeedy. Daddy was Investment banker. Mummy an heiress. The cha-ching factor is not to be sneezed at. Work? I don’t think so.

 

MICHAEL

That must be great.

 

CRAIG

Like waves and a lover’s fidelity, it comes and goes. The excitement, that is. So if you’re a banker why are you here?

 

MICHAEL

Here?

 

CRAIG

Uh-huh. Why aren’t you at work? It’s the middle of the day. Shouldn’t you be behind your cage? Banking and the like?

 

MICHAEL

I…kind of got fired today.

 

CRAIG

Really?

 

MICHAEL

It’s no biggie. I can find another job I guess.

 

CRAIG

No biggie? It’s your livelihood. I assume you need money to live on. So why did you get the sack? Did you actually diddle someone’s account?

 

MICHAEL

They wanted me to go to another branch. Out in the suburbs.

 

CRAIG

Suburbs? I’ve heard of that. Past the river, isn’t it? Moccasins and Malboroughs?

 

MICHAEL

I didn’t want to go so I told them the manager to go fuck himself…in a round about way. I don’t want to work in the suburbs.

 

CRAIG

And why should you? I’ve heard they’re dead common out there. An over dependence on Ford motorcars and pit-bulls or so I’m told. You don’t look like you’d have the stomach for it. Any idea what you’ll do instead?

 

MICHAEL

Something different. In the mean time I’m going to use up all my sick leave before they escort me from the building.

 

CRAIG

Good move. And make sure you grab as much stationery as you can get as well. I hear that’s what people do.

 

MICHAEL

I’ll remember.

 

CRAIG

What’s your name?

 

MICHAEL

Michael.

 

CRAIG

Michael. It’s a pleasure. My name is Craig.

 

CRAIG TAKES A SWIG FROM HIS BOTTLE

 

MICHAEL

Craig? That’s a bit of a masculine name for a…lady, isn’t it?

 

CRAIG

You’re too kind. Today I don’t care. I also go by the handle Sarah. As in Sarah Belle Palsy.

 

MICHAEL

Do you perform anywhere?

 

CRAIG

Perform?

 

MICHAEL

Well most…women such as yourself, are known to do the odd show.

 

CRAIG

Do I look like one of those screeching harridans that lip synch to awful Celine Dion back catalogues and seventies foo-foo anthems? Is that what you think?

 

MICHAEL

I don’t know. I just…

 

CRAIG

I absolutely hate drag queens!

 

MICHAEL

Then why do you…

 

CRAIG

Put on a smart outfit and make my way out into the real world? Because I choose to. I like to dress up on the odd occasion.

 

MICHAEL

So you’re just a transvestite?

 

CRAIG

No. I’m layered. Stop with the labels, soon to be ex-banker boy.

 

MICHAEL

Okay. I’m sorry if I upset you.

 

CRAIG

That’s quite alright. You’re not a local, I take it.

 

MICHAEL

No. Not really. I live in East St Kilda.

 

CRAIG

Really?

 

MICHAEL

Yeah.

 

CRAIG

Here’s a little heads up. Only pretentious schmucks and real estate agents call it East St Kilda. It’s fucking Balaclava! Don’t delude yourself. Otherwise you’ll be just like those idiots that say they live in West St Kilda. By my reckoning that would be 200 metres that way and forgive me if I’m wrong but that’s fucking water! Hardly a good foundation for a block of flats, don’t you think?

 

MICHAEL

I guess.

 

CRAIG

Then you guess right.

 

MICHAEL

Are you local?

 

CRAIG

You see that big crème coloured mansion over there?

 

MICHAEL

It’s beautiful.

 

CRAIG

It certainly is. Mine is the shit box two doors to the right.

 

MICHAEL

Oh. Well that’s close.

 

CRAIG

But that mansion is where I grew up.

 

MICHAEL

Really?

 

CRAIG

Yes indeedy.

 

MICHAEL

And your parents?

 

CRAIG

Dead.

 

MICHAEL

I’m sorry.

 

CRAIG

Why? You didn’t kill them. More’s the pity, neither did I. Actually they’re not dead. I just tell people that occasionally. Really annoys my mother.

 

MICHAEL

But why did…?

 

CRAIG

We still have family issues. Actually, I suppose I can thank her for some things. My free-range fashion sense did  come from her side of the family. Certainly not from my father. When I was a child he gave me a GI Joe. Of course first chance I got I bought it all the Barbie accessories. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m plumb tuckered out with all this meandering down memory lane.

 

MICHAEL

What? Oh, of course.

 

CRAIG

Perhaps we’ll chat later. I assume you’re here to fossick amongst the dunes.

 

MICHAEL

The what?

 

CRAIG

Over there.

 

MICHAEL

What about it?

 

CRAIG

Well, if it’s love you’re looking for or even a quick hummer you may just find it while you’re cleaning the sand out of your crack fifty metres west o’er yonder grassy hill.

 

MICHAEL

You mean it’s a beat?

 

CRAIG

You mean you didn’t know?

 

MICHAEL

No. Not at all. I just thought they were walking tracks.

 

CRAIG

Take a closer look. Some days you’ll see so many heads bobbing up and down they look like a family of fucking meerkats checking for predators. Which is not such a far-fetched thing.

 

MICHAEL

I’m not here for that. I’m actually straight.

 

CRAIG

If anyone asks, me too.

 

MICHAEL

It’s true. Although I did read something once that said we’re all a little bisexual. I guess if the right person came along…

 

CRAIG

Oh and how quickly they leave the door open. For a straight man you seem to know a lot about beats and drag queens.

 

MICHAEL

My cousin was a drag queen.

 

CRAIG

And thanks for the family tree rundown. Well, whatever you’re here for don’t let me keep you.

 

MICHAEL

Okay. Nice talking to you.

 

CRAIG

Yes, it was.

 

MICHAEL

I’m gonna sit over there.

 

CRAIG

If that does it for you.

 

HE GETS UP AND SITS AWAY FROM CRAIG. HE LOOKS OUT TO SEA BUT OCCASIONALLY LOOKS TOWARDS THE DUNES. LUKE ENTERS CARRYING A TOWEL AND LOOKING SLIGHTLY LIKE A HIPPIE WITH SUN GLASSES AND HEAD BANDANA. HE STANDS CENTRE AND LOOKS OUT TO SEA.

 

 

 

LUKE

Fucking beautiful, man.

 

RAMON ENTERS AND CROSSES  IN FRONT OF HIM.

 

I stand corrected. Fucking beautiful man. How's it going, man?

 

RAMON EXITS

 

That's cool. I dig it. You wanna keep your distance. I understand totally. [PAUSE] Arsehole. Hey. Not gonna bring me down.

 

HE SEES CRAIG

 

Holy guacamole.

 

CRAIG

[LOOKING UP] Go embrace the goddess, you tree-hugger.

 

LUKE

Whoa! Chill, dudette. For a start, Miss Thing, I am not a tree hugger.

 

CRAIG

Let me guess. You're a corporate executive and this is your new company ensemble?

 

LUKE

Hey, don't judge a book, man. Didn't your parents back on the planet Zogg teach you anything? This ain't all there is.

 

CRAIG

Yes, I'm sure you're so much more under all that.

 

LUKE

I might surprise you.

 

CRAIG

I might care less. Oops. Nope. Wrong there. Couldn't.

 

LUKE

I'm getting a very negative vibe. Are you just being a bitch today or this just part of a work in progress?

 

CRAIG

Which answer gets you the hell away from me? Either works.

 

LUKE

Okay. We've got off on the wrong foot. How about we start over again?

 

CRAIG

No.

 

LUKE

Then would it be okay if I just sat here quietly? I mean, I'm not crowding your space, am I?

 

CRAIG

It's a big beach but of course people just feel the need to gravitate to me. Do I have a sign on me that says “Come talk to me? I'll listen to any loser.”?

 

LUKE

So?

 

CRAIG

It's a free beach. More's the pity. Knock yourself out.

 

HE LAYS OUT HIS TOWEL. HE IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING TO HER.

 

Just don't talk to me.

 

LUKE

Gotcha.

 

HE LOOKS AT HER AGAIN. AFTER A LONG PAUSE.

 

Can I just ask you a question?

 

CRAIG

Was that the question?

 

LUKE

No. This is the question.

 

CRAIG

What?

 

LUKE

Why do you wear such heavy makeup? That can't be comfortable in this heat.

 

CRAIG

I'm used to it.

 

LUKE

Okay. But aren't you afraid it might run if you go in the water?

 

CRAIG

I never go in the water.

 

LUKE

Never?

 

CRAIG

No.

 

LUKE

That's weird.

 

CRAIG

Pot calling the kettle beige.

 

LUKE

Seems pretty pointless coming to the beach if you're not going in the water. You could just sunbake in your backyard or on your balcony. I'm not sure what your living arrangements are. Do you have a backyard?

 

CRAIG

Do you have an OFF switch?

 

LUKE

I was just saying...

 

CRAIG

Crap! That's what you were saying. I don't like the water. Get it?! I choose to stay on the beach just like you choose to be a twerp! Not that you could call this fucking puddle a beach. Typical. Only Melbournians could put a poetic spin on this laughable swamp and call it a beach! For a start, a beach needs to have waves. That would seem to me to be the pre-requisite. Then there's shells, big bronzed life guards and filthy little ankle biters getting taken by sharks. I see no waves, no lifeguards and no half-eaten kiddie corpses so this is not a beach! Go to Bondi, Maui. Anywhere that the water laps over bunions on your big toe! Then come back and tell me this is a beach!

 

LUKE

You hate Melbourne?

 

CRAIG

No. I hate you! Melbourne, I can abide when it doesn’t take it self so fucking seriously.

 

LUKE

Perhaps you could suggest that on the next tourist brochure.

 

CRAIG

Are we done?

 

LUKE

I guess so.

 

CRAIG

Then how about you go play in the dunes?

 

LUKE

Sorry. That’s not my bag.

 

CRAIG

Not my bag? What are you? A Byron Bay drop kick? Who talks like that? If it “ain’t your bag” then what the hell are you doing down here on the gay end of the beach?

 

LUKE

I like this end. Not as many posers. Further up it’s all buffed Guido meatheads and mall skanks.

 

CRAIG

I see. Let me guess. You’re not gay, right?

 

LUKE

That word has no meaning to me.

 

CRAIG

I’ll get you a dictionary.

 

LUKE

Sexuality is a very fluid thing.

 

CRAIG

Oh, let me write that gem down. That’s a chapter header.

 

LUKE

It shouldn’t be an issue whether you’re gay or straight?

 

CRAIG

So now you’re knocking gay people?

 

LUKE

No.

 

CRAIG

Just remember, Spanky, if it wasn’t for gay people we’d all be walking around in Hessian and plaid and fuck all else.

 

LUKE

What’s gay? It’s so limiting. Just a label imposed on many from a few.

 

CRAIG

And without sounding like a soap box sally it beats the word “queer” hands down. It’s also a  label you shouldn’t run away from.

 

LUKE

I’m attracted to men and women. And I’m not running away from anything.

 

CRAIG

Well, aren’t you the lucky fucker. Then tell me, chuckles, are you reading that “labels” speech from something? I have been around for ever so spare me the quotes for the new age. I’ll take bitter, twisted and easily pissed off by breeders for five hundred, thanks Chuck. You’re either gay or you’re not?

 

LUKE

Who says?

 

CRAIG

It’s in the brochure. “I suck dick. Therefore I am gay.”

 

LUKE

Who says I suck dick?

 

CRAIG

Have you?

 

LUKE

Have I what?

 

CRAIG

They’re not long words. “Have you sucked dick?”

 

LUKE

If I say yes then I still get a label.

 

CRAIG

You’ve already got one. It says “Moron.” Only now it will be “cock-sucking moron.”

 

LUKE

I might sit over here.

 

CRAIG

Mission accomplished.

 

LUKE MOVES AWAY. HE TAKES OUT HIS MP PLAYER AND SUNGLASSES AND LIES DOWN.

 

Jesus. How the hell do I attract them?

 

TODD ENTERS. HE LOOKS AROUND HIM.

 

TODD

Jeezy Creezy. Welcome to my nightmare. More gargoyles than a French cathedral. It’s okay Todd. Things are bound to pick up soon and so are you. Just need to have a little confidence in yourself. Mr “Yes please I’d like to suck your dick” could be just over that hill.

 

Craig

You!

 

TODD REALISES CRAIG IS TALKING TO HIM BUT DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HIM.

 

TODD

Relax, Toddles. Ignore the ugly drag queen. That type will confuse you and do your head in.

 

CRAIG LOOKS AROUND THEN  BACK AT TODD

 

CRAIG

Oy! Who are you talking to?

 

TODD

What?

 

CRAIG

You’re having a conversation. Forgive me if I am wrong and call me old fashioned but past experience and an even average intelligence would suggest that a conversation should at least consist of two parties. Either the other party has long fucked off through sheer boredom, and who could blame them, or you’re flapping your gums to a six foot invisible rabbit. In other words thin air, which makes you slightly loop-de-loo. So which is it?

 

TODD

It’s okay Todd. As long as you don’t make direct eye contact they can’t turn you to stone.

 

CRAIG

What?!! Are you calling me a Gorgon? Is that what you’re saying?

 

TODD

Fuck. She’s read a book. What are the chances?

 

CRAIG

Because if that’s what you’re saying…

 

TODD

I wasn’t saying anything.

 

CRAIG

Well so far you’ve called me a gorgon and a drag queen.

 

TODD

No I didn’t.

 

CRAIG

I just fucking heard you!

 

TODD

Okay. I’m sorry.

 

CRAIG

That’s better. Now if you don’t want a size fourteen upside of the moosh I suggest you bugger off back to trough town or wherever you came from and stop insulting the locals.

 

TODD

I am a local.

 

CRAIG

That doesn’t make it right.

 

TODD

Boy, for a donkey you sure wear a lot of lippy.

 

CRAIG GETS UP TO HIT HIM. TODD RUNS OFF.

 

CRAIG

Twerp!

 

HE SITS BACK ON HIS CHAIR.

 

A bit of peace and quiet. Is that too much to ask? I would have thought mid week it would be dead. Dead…oh Jesus.

 

HE STARTS SWIGGING SOME MORE TABLETS AND VODKA. MICHAEL LOOKS AT HIM. CRAIG FEELS HIS EYES UPON HIM.

 

Did I crap in your cocoa?

 

MICHAEL

No, I…

 

CRAIG

So stop staring!

 

MICHAEL

I’m sorry.

 

CRAIG

Oh bugger it. No. I’m sorry. I’m just a bit sensitive at the moment.

 

MICHAEL

Okay.

 

CRAIG

I don’t want to bore you or anything.

 

MICHAEL

You’re not boring me. Not yet, anyway.

 

CRAIG

It’s still early. I’m just having the penultimate shit of a day. A real Bombay steamer if you like. Although they don’t call it that anymore do they? What is it?

 

MICHAEL

Um Mumbai?

 

CRAIG

Doesn’t flow. Lets call it a Werribee floater and be done with it.

 

MICHAEL

If you like. Why are you having a shit of a day?

 

CRAIG

Oh fuck. Have you got an hour?

 

MICHAEL

I’ve got that and probably a whole lot more.

 

CRAIG

That’s true. But you’re straight. You wouldn’t understand.

 

MICHAEL

Who says?

 

CRAIG

I says.

 

MICHAEL

So you’re telling me you’re gay?

 

CRAIG GLARES AT HIM

 

CRAIG

And you’re telling me you’re not?

 

MICHAEL

Maybe I understand you better than you think.

 

CRAIG TAKES AN APPLE AND SLICES IT UP TO EAT.

 

CRAIG

Great. Stuck at low tide with a bloody enigma. Would you like an apple?

 

MICHAEL

No thanks.

 

CRAIG

Suit yourself.

 

MICHAEL

You know, lots of people have the odd speed hump in their sex life.

 

CRAIG

You’re telling me? Speed hump was my nick name at high school.

 

MICHAEL

With me some areas are just a little grey.

 

CRAIG

Just like my pubic hair.

 

MICHAEL

Very nice.

 

CRAIG

Was that too much?

 

MICHAEL

Borderline yuk. And very off the topic.

 

CRAIG

Avoidance was always my strong suit. And probably why I’m in this crappy mess.

 

MICHAEL

You’re in a crappy mess?

 

CRAIG

Honey, I am in more shit than a faggot’s finger! [PAUSE] Was that too much?

 

MICHAEL

Words fail me.

 

CRAIG

Deal with it. I’d tell you what kind of mess but I’d probably bore you rigid.

 

MICHAEL

You can talk to me.

 

CRAIG

I hardly know you.

 

MICHAEL

I told you why I was here.

 

CRAIG

No. You told me you got fired or quit or whatever you’re calling it. Not why you’re here. So what? It ain’t like you got cancer or anything. Get a grip. Take a few days off and relax. Jobs are easy to find if you’re not too picky. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? You get to explore the wonderful world of fast foods?

 

MICHAEL

I’ll put that down as plan B. So why are you here?

 

CRAIG

I told you. I live over there. Not that I come down here too often. I haven’t been here for a while. Now that I think of it I probably haven’t been here for about 6 years. That’s disgraceful. I used to come here every other day. Catch some rays between cocktails. Watch the eye candy whilst drooling across the latest Anne Rice. I even met Ramon down here, but…

 

MICHAEL

Ramon?

 

CRAIG

Oh…my boyfriend.

 

MICHAEL

You have a boyfriend?

 

CRAIG

Don’t sound so surprised.

 

MICHAEL

That’s not what I meant.

 

CRAIG

You think I can’t get a boyfriend? I’ve had hundreds. Some of them my own. Gay, straight, bi-stupid. Not to mention Ford Fairlanes chock full of married Arabs.

 

MICHAEL

Arabs?

 

CRAIG

A slight preference on my part.

 

MICHAEL

I see.

 

CRAIG

Yes, you’d be surprised how quick some of them fall for the “Pretty frock and a big dick” combo.

 

MICHAEL

So…where’s Ramon now?

 

CRAIG

He’s…lying down for a while.

 

MICHAEL

Okay.

 

CRAIG

Yes, the late afternoon sun gets to him.

 

MICHAEL

And you met him here?

 

RAMON ENTERS DRESSED IN SHIRT AND TROUSERS AND ASSUMES A POSE.

 

CRAIG

That’s right. Oh he was lovely…is lovely. But seven years ago he was a very different kettle of fish. Such a sweet talker.

 

RAMON

G’day.

 

CRAIG

The words poured like maple syrup.

 

RAMON

How’s it hanging?

 

CRAIG

A real poet.

 

RAMON

What ya’ doing?

 

CRAIG

Oh. Not much.

 

MICHAEL

Was it romantic?

 

CRAIG

You better believe it.

 

RAMON

You live local? You wanna go back to your place and fuck?

 

CRAIG

Well, in a manner of speaking.

 

RAMON

You look pretty good.

 

CRAIG

You do know I’m a man, don’t you?

 

RAMON

You still look pretty hot.

 

CRAIG

Thanks.

 

RAMON

I’ll bet under that skirt you got something really impressive going on.

 

CRAIG

You flatter me, sir.

 

RAMON

Yeah, but you know what…I reckon you’d enjoy nothing better than hanging off my crank for a few hours.

 

CRAIG

Your crank?

 

RAMON

Yeah. How’d you like me to powder coat your fillings with some love snot?

 

CRAIG

Let’s just stop right there, chuckles. Firstly, watch your mouth. Some of us don’t go in for kind of potty talk.

 

RAMON

Cool.

 

CRAIG

And secondly, if anyone’s gonna be hanging off anyone’s crank it’ll be you hanging off mine first!

 

RAMON

I don’t really do that kind of thing.

 

CRAIG

Cut the crap, Brutus. I wasn’t born yesterday. No matter how tough you play it, if there’s one thing I can spot at forty paces it’s a cock-sucking knob-jockey living in a river in Egypt! [TO MICHAEL] Straight guys are such idiots. They’ll let you fuck them till the cows come home but they won’t suck your dick. They think that makes them gay. I got news for them. Being slam-dunked up the chrome crevice is pretty much as gay as it gets. Most gay guys I know don’t even like it. Mind you, that could be because no-one I know is having sex. It’s so last century. They’d rather be smacked off their tits and dribbling against some shopfront window than landing a good root. Go figure.

 

MICHAEL

Was he straight?

 

CRAIG

Well, he sucked dick like a straight man. He was awful. For the first few months anyway. I couldn’t teach him a thing. Those poor women he’d had before me. They must have been easily satisfied. But then women usually are. Have you noticed they’ll sleep with some real ugly bastards?

 

RAMON

Can I go now?

 

CRAIG

Wait. I’m in the middle of a story. Don’t be so fucking rude. [TO MICHAEL] Such an idiot. Where was I?

 

MICHAEL

You were talking about women.

 

CRAIG

That’s right. Women. They fall in love with personalities when they really should be checking out the merchandise properly. Kick the tyres a bit. Check under the hood, if you know what I mean. Have you seen some of the ugly drop-kicks out there? Right scumbags with a VB in one hand, a freshly lit B and H in the other, trawling the trams and trains looking for anything with a hole. Revolting. And yet some women go ga-ga when someone pays them the least amount of attention.

 

MICHAEL

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

CRAIG

Well, it should be signed off by an optometrist first! There are too many hideous creatures out there getting action when all the good ones are missing out.

 

MICHAEL

Like yourself?

 

CRAIG

Exactly. Don’t get me wrong. It was great to begin with. Six months later I was stuck with him and bored out of my tree. Of course you can’t trust any of them. [TO RAMON] Have fun?

 

RAMON

I was out with a few mates. You know. Having a drink.

 

CRAIG

That’s nice. Oh, and I see you’ve been doing a bit of late night gardening as well.

 

RAMON

What?

 

CRAIG

You’ve got grass stains on your fucking knees!

 

RAMON

I fell.

 

CRAIG

By the look at what’s in your hair it must have been head first into a sperm bank.

 

RAMON

I’m going to bed.

 

CRAIG

Okay.

 

RAMON STARTS TO UNDRESS DOWN TO HIS SPEEDOS. HE BENDS OVER. THEY BOTH WATCH HIM.

 

I never get tired of that. [BEAT] You ever been in love?

 

MICHAEL

I’m married.

 

CRAIG

So…no?

 

MICHAEL

It’s not that bad.

 

CRAIG

Uh-huh. And have you told your wife about your new job status?

 

MICHAEL

Not yet. I don’t think she’ll care one way or another.

 

CRAIG

And that’s probably a great story but I’ve digressed. Back to talking about me here.

 

MICHAEL

Go on.

 

CRAIG

I found out he’d been seeing someone. Of course the signs were all there anyway.

 

MICHAEL

Signs?

 

CRAIG STARTS TO MOUNT HIM FROM BEHIND

 

CRAIG

Little things that gave it away.

 

RAMON

Oooh yeah. That’s it. You got it! You got it!  Fuck me stupid.

 

CRAIG

I think that ship has sailed. Why are there scratches all over your back?

 

RAMON

A tree branch fell on me when I was sunbaking.

 

CRAIG

I see. [TO MICHAEL] Like I said. Little things. The love-making got fairly predictable and bland before it became pretty non-existent.

 

THEY STOP HUMPING

 

We never really talked about it of course. [TO RAMON] Want to fool around?

 

RAMON

I had a wank an hour ago.

 

CRAIG

When?

 

RAMON

While you were washing up.

 

CRAIG

I only had two plates and a tumbler! Jesus. [TO MICHAEL] Then last night I found a message on his mobile.

 

MICHAEL

Oh?

 

CRAIG

 “Last night was good but we have to talk”.

 

MICHAEL

Oh.

 

CRAIG

That’s what it said. And it wasn’t from me. [TO RAMON] Ramon, you know that I love you, don’t you?

 

RAMON

Of course, babe.

 

CRAIG

And I know you wouldn’t ever do anything to consciously hurt me. And you also know I’d understand if you felt the need to go looking elsewhere for sex. You’re only human. Men crave variety and we all have needs. If you ever feel the need to have an affair I will understand. You can tell me anything.

 

RAMON

Babe, I’m not having an affair.

 

CRAIG

Good. Because I’d tear your heart out and feed it to the dogs on a silver plate! Now you can fuck off.

 

RAMON EXITS

 

CRAIG

Now I’m not one for ownership of another person but after seven years there has to be a bit of loyalty, don’t you think? I mean, what sort of idiot sends text messages to their bits of fluff. [HE STOPS THEN CLUTCHES HIS STOMACH AND LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD] Can I trust you?

 

MICHAEL

I guess.

 

CRAIG

Good. Watch my chair. My stomach’s feeling a little dodgy. I need to find a bathroom and quick. Maybe we’ll continue this later.


MICHAEL

Sure.

 

HE RUSHES OFF, CLUTCHING HIS BAG AND HIS BACKSIDE. LUKE SITS UP REMOVES HIS SUN GLASSES AND LOOKS AROUND. HE SPOTS MICHAEL AND MOVES TOWARDS HIM.

 

LUKE

Hey dude.

 

MICHAEL

Hi.

 

LUKE

Hot enough for you?

 

MICHAEL

Um…it’s okay.

 

LUKE

Yeah I guess it’s started to cool down a bit. What time is it?

 

MICHAEL

What? Oh about three thirty.

 

LUKE

Right. Are you here with her?

 

MICHAEL

Her? [LUKE INDICATES CRAIG.] Oh, no. We just started talking. I’m actually meeting someone a little later.

 

LUKE

You know she’s a guy, don’t you?

 

MICHAEL

Yes, I know.

 

LUKE

And you’re into that sort of thing?

 

MICHAEL

What?

 

LUKE

It’s fine if you are. I’m not judging you or anything.

 

MICHAEL

Oh. Thanks.

 

LUKE

You just better watch her, man. She’s a little tilted.

 

MICHAEL

Tilted?

 

LUKE

You know. Wacko.

 

MICHAEL

Oh. She didn’t seem too bad.

 

LUKE

Famous last words . Then they come at you with a potato peeler.

 

MICHAEL

Okay.

 

LUKE DROPS HIS TOWEL RIGHT NEXT TO MICHAEL AND SITS DOWN

 

LUKE

So what do you do when you’re not hanging around the beach?

 

MICHAEL

What? Oh. I work in a bank.

 

LUKE

Wow. Boring beyond belief.

 

MICHAEL

You don’t know the half of it. Sorry. Did.

 

LUKE

Did what?

 

MICHAEL

Did work in a bank. Something I don’t really want to dwell on.

 

LUKE

Cool.

 

MICHAEL

And you?

 

LUKE

Installationist.

 

MICHAEL

What?

 

LUKE

I do installations.

 

MICHAEL

Really? I have a friend who does that. Fridges, stoves, air conditioners.

 

LUKE

Not the same thing. I go into a space and I create art.

 

MICHAEL

Much money in that?

 

LUKE

Hey. It’s not about the money. It’s about life. It’s about uncovering the essence of existence in a variety of medium, cutting away the excess and releasing its spirit into the atmosphere.

 

MICHAEL

So no, huh?

 

LUKE

Pretty much. But art’s not about money.

 

MICHAEL

But poverty is.

 

LUKE

I get by. My parents are very understanding and supportive financially. They don’t judge me.

 

MICHAEL

Lucky you. So why are you here? Why aren’t you out there creating?

 

LUKE

Who says I’m not?

 

MICHAEL

What? You mean you’re creating something now? Where is it? Is it over there?

 

LUKE

It’s all here man. [POINTING TO HIS HEAD] Ninety five percent of the work I do happens all up here.

 

MICHAEL

You find it easy selling tickets to your head?

 

LUKE

You’re funny. No, the creating is all about thought. Right now I’m thinking of projects. Inside my head are a mass of ideas just waiting to be born. I go to a place and the thoughts just flow like water. I create on the go. What can I do in this space? Is there enough light? What medium should it take? How can I share my art?

 

MICHAEL

And then you create?

 

LUKE

Sometimes. Most times I find the environment isn’t all that sympathetic to my idea or the public deserving of the effort so I’ll abandon the project.

 

MICHAEL

Before you’ve even started? So you don’t do anything with it?

 

LUKE

I don’t need to. The art was in the thought. I’ve had the thought. Therefore I’ve created the art.

 

MICHAEL

Then it’s not really art is it?

 

LUKE

How do you mean?

 

MICHAEL

Well, if no-one sees it then it’s not real. It’s like if a tree falls in a forest…

 

LUKE

Art doesn’t have to be real. Art is it’s own reality.

 

MICHAEL

But it does need to exist for other people to appreciate it.

 

LUKE

Not always. I don’t need people’s approval.

 

MICHAEL

Then how do you know if it’s been successful?

 

LUKE

I’ll know it’s been successful.

 

MICHAEL

And that’s based on what?  The reviews inside your head? The people lining up to look deep in your eyes? Would I have seen any of your art? The art that actually gets completed?

 

LUKE

I did an installation in a laneway in the city two months ago. It got a lot of attention from the media?

 

MICHAEL

Really?

 

LUKE

Especially when the police closed it down.

 

MICHAEL

The police closed it down?

 

LUKE

Of course. They try and close down all my work. When it comes to artistic conceptualisation and socio-political comment I’m on the front line, man. It was very successful.

 

MICHAEL

But the police closed you down?

 

LUKE

Yes.

 

MICHAEL

Why  was that?

 

LUKE

Because, man, they’re tools of an unchecked philistine establishment who constantly feel the need to keep the artist and his ideas down.

 

MICHAEL

Okay.

 

LUKE

And there were a few complaints.

 

MICHAEL

From who?

 

LUKE

Oh, a couple of shopkeepers. And the church. And the public.

 

MICHAEL

What was your art about?

 

LUKE

It was a commentary on how Australia as a nation had become the lap dog of US imperialism and it was also a critique on our constant acquiescence to Asian sensitivities  and dogma.

 

MICHAEL

Sounds like fair comment. What was it?

 

LUKE

It was an eight foot statue of John Howard giving a rusty trombone to George Bush while Alexander Downer got fucked up the arse by a pig dressed as an Indonesian cardinal.

 

MICHAEL

And people got a little sensitive about that? Can’t think why.

 

LUKE

It was made out of chicken feathers and dried dog shit. Took me weeks to collect that material.

 

MICHAEL

Nice.

 

LUKE

I suppose the shopkeepers had a point. The smell was a bit overpowering. Especially in high summer. But there was no need for the cops to arrest me. Just because I threw some dog shit at them. I mean, it was dried, for crying out loud. Most of it. So, the court hearing comes up tomorrow. I’m trying to get a little tan up.

 

MICHAEL

Maybe you’ll just end up with a fine or something.

 

LUKE

I don’t know. Those cops looked pretty angry. Especially the ones that got some in their mouths.

 

MICHAEL

I think I can see why they’d be angry.

 

LUKE

You’re really bringing me down, banker boy.

 

MICHAEL

I’m sorry.

 

LUKE

Allow me to return the favour. What brings you down?

 

LUKE TAKES OUT SOME TOBACCO AND STARTS TO ROLL A JOINT

 

MICHAEL

I don’t think anything really.

 

LUKE

Bullshit.

 

MICHAEL

Okay. [PAUSE] Stupid people.

 

LUKE

That’s 90 percent of the population.

 

MICHAEL

And rude people. Mongrels that push in at a bar or sandwich shop while I’ve been waiting to get served.

 

LUKE

That’s usually the good looking ones.

 

MICHAEL

Thanks.

 

LUKE

Not what I meant. I guess you’re good looking.

 

MICHAEL

Thanks again. Though I don’t really mind “rude” as long as they have a good reason in the first place. It’s the rude ones that ultimately make the “stupid” move their arses. Unless of course they’re Connex employees. Nothing could shift those fuckwits.

 

LUKE

That’s great. So…you got a girlfriend or boyfriend or something.

 

MICHAEL

Why do you ask?

 

LUKE

Just curious.

 

MICHAEL

You sure are.

 

LUKE

Good looking guy like you should have no trouble. Oh wait. You’re married.

 

MICHAEL

Yeah. How did you know?

 

LUKE

I’m psychic.

 

MICHAEL

Really?

 

LUKE

Yeah. That and your wedding ring kinda gives it away.

 

MICHAEL

Oh. Of course.

 

LUKE

So what are you doing here? I mean down this neck of the beach. You know it ‘s a gay beach and beat and everything?

 

MICHAEL

So I believe.

 

LUKE

And that doesn’t scare you?

 

MICHAEL

I have bigger things going on in my life at the moment. That won’t phase me.

 

LUKE

What things?

 

MICHAEL

You don’t want to know.

 

LUKE

On the contrary I like to know everything. It helps to inform my work. I’m a great researcher into what makes people tick.

 

MICHAEL

Boy, for someone so young you sure talk a lot of crap.

 

LUKE

There is that as well. So what things?

 

MICHAEL

Things?

 

LUKE

You said you had a lot of things going on.

 

MICHAEL

I didn’t say I was going to talk about it.

 

LUKE

You got anything else to talk about? Look, after today you’re probably not going to see me ever again.

 

MICHAEL

That’s true.

 

LUKE

So you can tell me anything you like and I promise not to blab to another soul. Trust me.

 

MICHAEL

I suppose you’re right. [PAUSE] I’ve been having an affair with someone.

 

LUKE

Really? See? Straight away that makes you interesting.

 

MICHAEL

It does?

 

LUKE

Fuck yeah. That’s movie of the week stuff, right there.

 

MICHAEL

If you say so. It’s a bit of a cliché. Christ. What am I talking about? My whole life’s a cliché at the moment.

 

LUKE

I gotta tell you, you don’t exactly look the cheating type.

 

MICHAEL

What does the cheating type look like?

 

LUKE

Um…me, I suppose.

 

MICHAEL

You’re cheating with someone?

 

LUKE

Not that I know of.  [SUGGESTIVE] But with the right offer…

 

MICHAEL

Is there a type?

 

LUKE

If there is it ain’t you. You look too uptight. How long have you been cheating?

 

MICHAEL

Five years.

 

LUKE

And how long have you been married?

 

MICHAEL

Six years. It was a crazy. One minute I was having drinks after work at some bar, the next I’m having sex with some stranger in a laneway. And it’s being going ever since.

 

LUKE

Fuck man. What laneway is that? Five years? That’s not cheating. That’s a career path. Boy, you bank tellers are a pretty wild bunch. A couple of drinks in you and bang. Does your wife know?

 

MICHAEL

I don’t think she does. I mean, she’s never said anything to make me think otherwise. Not that we talk or even see each other much these days anyway. I work days and she works early afternoons into evenings. She’s a systems analyst.

 

LUKE

Riveting stuff. Do you still love her?

 

MICHAEL

I think so.

 

LUKE

Well I’m glad you’re not being vague about it.

 

MICHAEL

We don’t really talk much about anything these days.

 

LUKE

And how about with your friend?

 

MICHAEL

Oh. We have a kind of arrangement. Just once a week but that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere these days either.

 

LUKE

So what’s the big problem?

 

MICHAEL

I’ve done something terrible.

 

LUKE

You’ve gotten her pregnant? You’ve bumped her off?

 

MICHAEL

What? Who?

 

LUKE

The woman you’re having an affair with.

 

MICHAEL

Oh. No. It’s nothing like that.

 

LUKE

So what have you done that’s so terrible?

 

MICHAEL

I don’t want to say.

 

LUKE

Alright.

 

MICHAEL

I… stole some money. From the bank.

 

LUKE

You what?

 

MICHAEL

I stole some money. About an hour after I gave them my 2 weeks notice.

 

LUKE

Shit, eh. Little, quiet you? How much?

 

MICHAEL

Twenty thousand.

 

LUKE

Oh. Is that all?

 

MICHAEL

What do you mean is that all? I’ve stolen money.

 

LUKE

Twenty thousand doesn’t sound like much.

 

MICHAEL

Maybe not to you with your rich parents…

 

LUKE

Well, if you’re planning on running away then twenty thousand isn’t going to take you far from anything and not for very long either. You should have made more of an effort. I would’ve gone for a million at least. You always hear about some frumpy slag ripping off their boss and hitting the casino.

 

MICHAEL

I could go to prison!

 

LUKE

It’s a first offence, isn’t it?

 

MICHAEL

Of course.

 

LUKE

Well, for twenty thousand it’ll probably be a fine, you pay the money back and get a good behaviour bond. Or they’ll probably leave you tied to a Werribee bus stop with a packet of ciggies and a raw chop around your neck. They can get pretty feral out there. So if you’re feeling bad about it can’t you just put it back? It’s not too late is it?

 

MICHAEL

It’s complicated.

 

LUKE

As complicated as getting rogered in the prison shower block every night by some big dude named Bill? Why did you take the money anyway.

 

MICHAEL

I don’t know. I thought I could use it to go away with my friend. But the more I think about it the dumber it sounds.

 

LUKE

Okay. You know, I don’t think you’ve put much thought into this properly.

 

MICHAEL

You may be right.

 

LUKE MOVES CLOSER TO MICHAEL WHILE HE IS LOOKING AWAY. AS MICHAEL TURNS BACK TO HIM LUKE GOES TO KISS HIM. MICHAEL JUMPS BACK.

 

MICHAEL

What are you doing?

 

LUKE

Nothing.

 

MICHAEL

Bullshit. You were trying to kiss me.

 

LUKE

So? What’s wrong with that? You’re kinda hot. I’m attracted to you.

 

MICHAEL

Well, don’t be.

 

LUKE

Why?

 

MICHAEL

For one thing I’m far too old for you…

 

LUKE

Who says?

 

MICHAEL

My drivers licence and the odd grey pubic hair, for starters. And secondly, I have enough on my plate at the moment. I just told you how screwed up my life is.

 

LUKE

I don’t care. That just makes you more interesting. Do you think I’m good looking?

 

MICHAEL

What?

 

LUKE

I asked if you thought I was attractive.

 

MICHAEL

You’re not unattractive.

 

LUKE

Thanks.

 

MICHAEL

You’re just not my type. Not that I know what type I have but you ain’t it.

 

LUKE

It still doesn’t help me get someone.

 

MICHAEL

Why do you need to have anyone anyway? You’re only young. How old are you anyway?

 

LUKE

Twenty.

 

MICHAEL

See? At 20 you should be out there sowing your wild oats. Having fun with people your own age…getting drunk with your mates.

 

LUKE

I don’t have many friends.

 

MICHAEL

Oh.

 

LUKE

Dude, that doesn’t mean I’m not ready for something lasting. Being young shouldn’t be some big barrier to happiness.

 

MICHAEL

Not everyone gets to be completely happy. And not every moment in your life should be happy. Like everything in this world you need a bit of light and shade. Otherwise you’d go loony tunes the minute it all goes belly up…

 

TODD ENTERS. HE STOPS, INHALES AN ASTHMA SPRAY THEN SNIFFS SOME AMYL THEN STAGGERS OFFSTAGE

 

Or end up here on this beach.

 

LUKE GOES AND SITS ON CRAIG’S BANANA LOUNGE

 

LUKE

Well there’s no way I’m buying into that cliché lifestyle you see in the gay papers. Going to bars, meeting the same friends for dinner, once or twice a week then to the Peel, Market or Exchange and expecting Mr Right will drop out of the sky. I see what it’s done to people and far too many of them end up with nothing. I don’t want to end up sitting single on some beach at 40, waiting for my arteries to harden. Or crawling to the nearest beat or sauna for some quick fix. I reckon that’s just pathetic.

 

LUKE START EATING THE REST OF CRAIG’S APPLE

 

MICHAEL

You know, you shouldn’t be so ready to judge that type of person. From what I understand a lot of people had to do a lot of hard work over the years so you could have that choice.

 

LUKE

And don’t they let us know it.

 

MICHAEL

Maybe they just want to remind you that if you get too complacent about it, it could all be taken away from you. The wrong government can really fuck up a person’s private life.

 

LUKE

I guess.

 

MICHAEL

There’s no guessing about it.

 

LUKE

Do you think we could go for a drink sometime?

 

MICHAEL

Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve said?

 

LUKE

Every word of it. Can we?

 

MICHAEL

No.

 

LUKE

Just one drink. It’s not going to kill you.

 

MICHAEL

I…I don’t know. The odd times I’ve been to a bar all I’ve seen is damaged goods. I don’t want to add to their numbers. Besides, if I walked into anywhere with you I have a feeling the police would pounce and want to check out my computer hard drive.

 

LUKE

Tonight?

 

MICHAEL

No. I told you I can’t. I may be busy for a little while. Possibly the next 3-5 years with my luck. Besides, I’m meeting someone.

 

LUKE

When?

 

MICHAEL

Right here. In an hour.

 

LUKE

Who?

 

MICHAEL

No-one you need to know about.

 

LUKE

You’re wife?

 

MICHAEL

No. Not my wife.

 

LUKE

You’re friend?

 

MICHAEL

Uh-huh.

 

LUKE

Well, maybe I should hang around. Check out the competition.

 

MICHAEL

I don’t think that would be very wise. He’s a bit funny with strangers…I think.

 

LUKE

Wait a minute. He? You’re having an affair with a man? Shit. No wonder you’re all fucked up. Suddenly this is no longer movie of the week.

 

MICHAEL

Will you keep your voice down.

 

LUKE

Dude, that is really gnarly.

 

MICHAEL

If you say so.

 

LUKE

Good fuck, is he? Shit, he’d wanna be after 5 years. How the hell have you managed that?

 

MICHAEL

Badly, if you want to know the truth.

 

LUKE

Classic.

 

MICHAEL

You’re telling me.

 

CRAIG ENTERS AND SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR

 

CRAIG

Jesus, that was close. I reckon those prawns I ate for lunch were a bit funky. I could just about crap through the eye of a needle. By the time I got to the toilet it was almost hitting the back of my knees. [HE SEES LUKE ON HIS LOUNGE WITH THE HALF EATEN APPLE] You! Why are you still here? And eating my apple? Do I need to put up barb wire?

 

LUKE JUMPS UP

 

LUKE

I was talking to your friend.

 

CRAIG

About?

 

MICHAEL

We were just chatting.

 

LUKE

It was kinda private if you must know.

 

CRAIG

How would you like an umbrella shoved where the sun don’t shine, you little charisma bypass?

 

LUKE

Inside I’m laughing.

 

CRAIG

That’s just where you’ll be bleeding if you don’t bugger off.

 

LUKE

[TO MICHAEL] Nice talking to you. Maybe we’ll have that drink later if you’re still around.

 

MICHAEL

I told you I’ll be busy.

 

LUKE

It’s a big beach, man, and the universe is never a set thing.

 

HE EXITS. CRAIG SITS IN HIS CHAIR..

 

CRAIG

So, what were you and Zippy The Wonder Dog talking about?

 

MICHAEL

Nothing much.

 

Okay. [LONG PAUSE] I think he’s a junkie crack whore and no mistake.

 

MICHAEL

Well, with my luck…why not.

 

LIGHTS FADE AND COME UP DOWNSTAGE AS RAMON ENTERS. HE THROWS A TOWEL DOWN, AND IS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF HIS SPEEDOS WHEN HE NOTICES TODD HAS ENTERED AND IS STARING AT HIM. HE LOOKS AT TODD WHO LOOKS AWAY. HE GOES TO DO IT AGAIN BUT STOPS AGAIN WHEN HE FEELS TODD’S EYES ON HIM. TODD LOOKS AWAY AGAIN. RAMON TURNS HIS BACK AND DROPS HIS SPEEDOS. HE TURNS AROUND AS TODD COMES FLYING ACROSS THE STAGE AND TACKLES HIM TO THE GROUND

 

 

RAMON

Get the fuck off me! What the hell is wrong with you?!

 

RAMON SCRAMBLES AND PUTS HIS SPEEDOS BACK ON

 

TODD

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.

 

RAMON

You’re crazy.

 

TODD

No, I’m not. Take it back.

 

RAMON

What? You attacked me.

 

TODD

It was an accident.

 

RAMON

You jumped on me on purpose. How is that an accident?

 

TODD

I must have misread the signs.

 

RAMON

Misread the signs? What signs?

 

TODD

When you looked at me before.

 

RAMON

I looked at you?

 

TODD

Before.

 

RAMON

I don’t remember that.

 

TODD

Oh shit, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

 

HE SINKS TO THE GROUND AND STARTS TO SOB

 

RAMON

Hey it’s okay. I’m alright. No harm done. Just be careful next time. You could hurt someone.

 

TODD

It’s hopeless. I just wanted…

 

RAMON

What?

 

TODD

I just wanted. [TO HIMSELF] Take a breath. Take a breath. You’re at the beach. Take a breath.

 

RAMON

Are you okay?

 

TODD

What? Yeah.

 

RAMON

Are you on anything?

 

TODD

No. What? You think I should be?

 

RAMON

It’s okay man. I was just asking. You look a little agitated. You need to relax, guy.

 

TODD

Todd.

 

RAMON

What?

 

TODD

Todd. My name’s Todd. Not Guy.

 

RAMON

Oh. Right.

 

TODD

What’s your name?

 

RAMON

Raymond.

 

TODD

Rainman?

 

RAMON

No. Raymond.

 

TODD

Rainman?

 

RAMON

Yeah. Rainman. If that’s easier. 

 

 

 

TODD

You here by yourself?

 

RAMON

I guess.

 

TODD

You don’t know?

 

RAMON

Well I’m here with you, I guess. So I’m not really alone.

 

TODD

That’s right.

 

RAMON

You?

 

TODD

I’m always by myself.

 

RAMON

Why?

 

TODD

Like my own company I guess.

 

RAMON

You want to go somewhere?

 

TODD

What? With you?

 

RAMON

Yeah. Unless you have other plans? Or you’re meeting someone else?

 

TODD

What? No.

 

RAMON

We could go over to those bushes.

 

TODD

 I thought you didn’t want to…

 

RAMON

I just don’t like being jumped.

 

TODD

I’ll remember.

 

RAMON

Do that. Besides, the pickings are pretty slim anyway.

 

TODD

Oh.

 

RAMON

That’s not what I meant. For an older guy you look pretty good. I like your shorts.

 

TODD

Thanks. You like older guys?

 

RAMON

Better than young guys. Most of them have no fucking idea. Just promise me you won’t go mental on me.

 

TODD

Do I look like I would?

 

RAMON

Yeah. You do. But you seem alright at the moment.

 

TODD

Good.

 

RAMON

So…How big are you?

 

TODD

Big enough. Eight inches.

 

RAMON

Really?

 

TODD

Yep. You don’t believe me?

 

RAMON

Maybe.

 

TODD

I don’t blame you. Guys are such fucking liars. Everyone’s eight inches but really they’re only 6. You?

 

RAMON

Eight inches.

 

TODD

I trust you.

 

RAMON

Well, from the right angle it’ll look eight inches. That should be good enough, don’t you reckon?

 

TODD

Yeah.

 

RAMON

What are you into?

 

TODD

Oh, you know. Stuff.

 

RAMON

Oh yeah?

 

TODD

Yeah.

 

RAMON

What stuff?

 

TODD

Um…I’m not sure.

 

RAMON

What did you have in mind?

 

TODD

What did you have in mind?

 

RAMON

Jesus. We could go for hours like this. Do you like to fuck?

 

TODD

Yes.

 

RAMON

Suck?

 

TODD

Yes.

 

RAMON

Top or bottom?

 

TODD

Yes.

 

RAMON

We don’t have to decide now. I’ve got an hour.

 

TODD

Cool.

 

RAMON

You got a condom?

 

TODD

Of course.

 

THEY START TO WALK OFF

 

RAMON

What about lube?

 

TODD

No problem.

 

AFTER UNDOING HIS SHORTS HE SPITS ON HIS HANDS.

 

TODD

Got it covered.

 

THEY EXIT BEHIND THE DUNES.

 

 

BLACKOUT

 

 

End Act One

 

 

 

 

ACT TWO

 

 

A DARK AREA. A FIGURE ENTERS AND STANDS FOR A MOMENT, SCRATCHING HIS ARSE AND SNIFFING HIS HAND. TODD ENTERS. HE PAUSES FOR A MOMENT THEN SLOWLY SHUFFLES ACROSS TO THE OTHER MAN. THEY CHECK EACH OTHER OUT THEN START TO GROPE EACH OTHER. LUKE ENTERS AND WATCHES FOR AS MOMENT. HE MOVES OVER TO THEM AND TRIES TO JOIN IN. TODD STARTS SPANKING THE OTHER MAN. THE OTHER MAN GROANS. LUKE PUTS HIS HAND ON THE OTHER MAN’S SHOULDER. TODD SLAPS LUKE’S HAND AWAY. LUKE TRIES TO GET AROUND THE OTHER SIDE. AS THE OTHER TWO START GROANING TO CLIMAX LUKE JUMPS AGAINST THEM.  HE IS KICKED AWAY AS THE FIRST MAN ORGASMS PUSHING TODD DOWN TO THE GROUND TO CUM OVER HIS FACE. THE FIRST MAN STAGGERS OFF. TODD GETS UP AND STAGGERS OFF. LUKE STANDS FOR A MOMENT AND SIGHS HEAVILY

 

BLACKOUT

 

LIGHTS UP ON RAMON AND CRAIG. CRAIG IS READING MESSAGES ON A MOBILE PHONE. RAMON STANDS NEAR HIM

 

CRAIG

So, this message? Who is it from?

 

RAMON

How should I know?

 

CRAIG

It was on your mobile.

 

RAMON

Just a mate from work. They were mucking around.

 

CRAIG

Really? “I want to coat your cock in Uncle Toby’s porridge and gobble it all down with milk and honey.” What the hell does that mean? Pretty strange message for a work colleague, don’t you think?

 

RAMON

It was a little joke between us.

 

CRAIG

“Slam your big fat dong into me until I’m bleeding.” Yes, it all sounds fucking hilarious. This should be sitcom dialogue. These are your sent messages. Fuck knows what he’s sending you.

 

RAMON

You’re taking them out of context.

 

CRAIG

 “Taking them out of context”? Are you reading that from something? And what context should I put “Do me up a wall with your huge meat mallet?”

 

RAMON

I knew you wouldn’t understand.

 

CRAIG

I understand alright. I understand you’re having sex with someone else and I’m left out of the loop. I understand you’re cheating on me with some scum bag and so dumb enough you  still leave the messages on your mobile.

 

RAMON

Look, neither of us said we were going to be exclusive.

 

CRAIG

We’ve been living together for years, you great drip. It was implied.

 

RAMON

I need more.

 

CRAIG

I can see that from the messages. “I need to spin circus-style on your fat crank.” Where you’ve failed to convince me is  “why?”

 

RAMON

Because with you it’s always the same thing. I’m always a bottom.

 

CRAIG

You always have been ever since I’ve known you.

 

RAMON

Just once I’d like to be a top. With him I get to be, once in a while.

 

CRAIG

Then you should have asked me.

 

RAMON

And you’d bottom for me?

 

CRAIG

No. But you could have asked.

 

RAMON

See what I mean?

 

CRAIG

You don’t get to change the game plan without some discussion. So that’s why our sex life is a shambles. Because now all of a sudden you want to be a top?

 

RAMON

It’s not all of a sudden.

 

CRAIG

And here’s a little news flash. People who want to be tops don’t have a bedside drawer chocka with dildos and butt plugs and their initials engraved on the sides! That could be sending out mixed messages, don’t you think?

 

RAMON

It’s not just that.

 

CRAIG

Then what is it?

 

RAMON

Our sex life is boring.

 

CRAIG

And that’s my fault?

 

RAMON

No. Not completely.

 

CRAIG

Of course it’s boring. It’s been seven years. What else could it be?

 

RAMON

I wanted some excitement. With us it’s always the same old thing.

 

CRAIG

Well I haven’t exactly seen you making much of an effort in the bed department these days either. Now I know why. I’ve told you countless times. Sex is not the most important thing in my life. I would prefer it more if you showed me a little affection once in a while.

 

RAMON

You’re always too busy.

 

CRAIG

Then you needed to talk to me. I’m not a mind reader.

 

RAMON

No one can talk to you. I’ve tried plenty of times.

 

CRAIG

You didn’t try hard enough. And who is this creep?

 

RAMON

It’s not important.

 

CRAIG

It is to me. This cunt has come into our lives and fucked things up. Did they know you were in a relationship?

 

RAMON

I didn’t know we were in a relationship.

 

CRAIG

We live together and sleep in the same bed. That’s a relationship. You know, angry as I am with you because you’ve done this I’m even more fucking ropable with this creep.

 

RAMON

It’s not his fault. I seduced him.

 

CRAIG

Bullshit. Anyone, male of female, who sleeps with someone knowing they are already in a relationship is a filthy fucking creep and beneath contempt. I’m with the Shariah Muslims on that one. They should be buried up to their necks and have a large rock dropped on their heads!

 

RAMON

That’s a bit much.

 

CRAIG

What they deserve. Has there been anyone else I should know about?

 

RAMON

No.

 

CRAIG

Then you had better finish it. You get one more phone call to them and then that’s it. Promise me.

 

RAMON

Okay. I promise. I was going to anyway.

 

CRAIG

Good. Otherwise I’m going to make your life a living hell.

 

RAMON

I know.

 

BLACKOUT

 

LIGHTS COME UP ON TODD WITH HIS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE, HIS PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES. HE IS RUBBING SOMETHING VIGOROUSLY. HE TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL HE IS RUBBING HIS SHORTS. HE HOLDS THEM UP TO THE LIGHT TO SEE IF HE HAS GOTTEN RID OF THE STAIN. HE TAKES A SNIFF AND REELS SLIGHTLY FROM THE SMELL. HE PUTS THEM ON THEN MOVES DOWNSTAGE TALKING A SMALL BREATH SPRAY PUT OF HIS POCKET. HE INHALES A SHOT THEN SPRAYS DOWN HIS SHORTS. HE SHIVERS FOR A MOMENT. HE REACHES UNDER HIS SHORTS AND A STREAM OF SAND FALLS OUT FOLLOWED BY SMALL SHELLS THEN LARGER ONES AND ROCKS. LUKE ENTERS. HE NOTICES TODD. HE MOVES DOWN TOWARDS HIM. TODD IS LOOKING AWAY. LUKE RUBS HIS CROTCH. TODD IS MUTTERING TO HIMSELF, OBLIVIOUS. LUKE COUGHS. TODD LOOKS AROUND TO HIM. LUKE RUBS HIS CROTCH AGAIN. TODD WATCHES HIM FOR A MOMENT THEN RUBS HIS OWN CROTCH VIGOROUSLY. LUKE LOOKS AROUND, TURNS AROUND TO UNDO HIS TROUSERS AND LETS THEM DROP AND BECKONS TODD OVER. TODD MOVES OVER TO HIM. HE GETS REALLY CLOSE AND SUDDENLY STARTS BARKING AT LUKE’S CROTCH. “EIGHT INCHES? FUCKING BULLSHIT!” TODD MARCHES OFF, TALKING TO HIMSELF. LUKE SIGHS HEAVILY ONCE MORE AS THE LIGHTS FADE

 

BLACKOUT

 

 

LIGHTS COME UP ON MICHAEL SITTING CLOSE TO CRAIG. CRAIG IS SWIGGING FORM HIS BOTTLE

 

MICHAEL

I couldn’t trouble you for a drink, could I?

 

CRAIG

You only had to ask.

 

MICHAEL

I think I need some Dutch courage.

 

CRAIG

Don’t we all. You like straight vodka?

 

MICHAEL

[ALMOST CHOKING] It’s okay.

 

CRAIG

I could squirt sun tan lotion into it for some additional kick?

 

MICHAEL

Straight is fine.

 

CRAIG

Probably wise. Something bugging you?

 

MICHAEL

I have a few things on my mind.

 

CRAIG

Welcome to my world.

 

MICHAEL

I don’t want to bother you.

 

CRAIG

Then don’t. [PAUSE] I’m kidding. You listened to me before. The least I can do is return the favour.

 

MICHAEL

You sure?

 

CRAIG

Sweetheart, I am so wasted at the moment, most of what your saying is white noise anyway. Talk your tits off.

 

MICHAEL

I’ve been seeing someone.

 

CRAIG

Who? Shrink? Gynaecologist? Dead people?

 

MICHAEL

No. Just someone. Not my wife.

 

CRAIG

Oh really? Here’s a familiar tune. I’d join in the jig but it’s been years since I got my feet up. Years!

 

MICHAEL

I need to break it up. With this person I’m seeing.

 

CRAIG

Then break it up. God. “Break it up.”  That is so “high school” I may vomit. Or it could be the vodka and Sun Factor 15.

 

MICHAEL

I’m just not sure.

 

CRAIG

Let’s skip for a moment the whole marriage slash fidelity, death do us party aspect and ask…why do you need to break up?

 

MICHAEL

I think they’re having an affair.

 

CRAIG

So let me get this right. You’re cheating on your wife with someone who may be cheating on you? Honestly! Is there no such thing as integrity in adultery anymore? Honey, if that’s the worse thing going on in your life at present then I can pretty much deduce you’re getting off lightly.

 

MICHAEL

You think so?

 

CRAIG

I know so. You haven’t really got anything to complain about.

 

MICHAEL

My life is absolute shit! Look at me. I’m almost forty. No job, a marriage flat-lining because neither if us gives a damn, an affair going nowhere and I’m probably about to go to prison for embezzlement!

 

CRAIG

You mean you…?

 

MICHAEL

Yes.

 

CRAIG

How much?

 

MICHAEL

Twenty thousand.

 

CRAIG

Is that all?

 

MICHAEL

Yes.

 

CRAIG

Well that’s not enough for anything!

 

MICHAEL

So I’ve been told.

 

CRAIG

Well done!

 

MICHAEL

What?

 

CRAIG

The banks are cunts. Good for you, say I. My opinion for you has just increased from blasé to mildly interested.

 

MICHAEL

What am I going to do?

 

CRAIG

What do you want to do?

 

MICHAEL

I don’t know. I wanted something to happen in my life. It was spur of the moment but I was angry and I thought taking the money would at least be a step in a new direction. It could be exciting. I could run away. Buy a bad wig and head overseas…

 

CRAIG

So last year.

 

MICHAEL

But as soon as I walked out the door I knew I made a mistake. It was stupid and now I don’t know how to put it right.

 

CRAIG

There’s always ways around things. What about your root?

 

MICHAEL

What about them?

 

CRAIG

Well, some people might think having a bit on the side is ballpark exciting.

 

MICHAEL

Are you kidding me? It’s bloody hard work. All that planning, the covert humping, the lying, secret phone calls, text messages, laying awake at night with guilt. It takes it out of you. Not to mention what it’s doing to my back.

 

CRAIG

Your back?

 

MICHAEL

Most of it happens in my car. And it’s a fucking compact! I could end up with spina bifida!

 

CRAIG

It’s the price you pay.

 

MICHAEL

Sometimes I just want to walk away from it all.

 

CRAIG

Then that’s what you should do.

 

MICHAEL

How? The ball is already in motion. I can’t stop it.

 

CRAIG

Well, first thing you do is put the money back. Send them a cheque if you want. But make sure you write a letter saying you were distracted with your marriage breaking up, you on the verge of a nervous breakdown but you’ve come to your senses and want to put things right. In other words, crawl till you’re flaps up on the lino. With a bit of luck they’ll want to avoid any negative publicity and thank themselves lucky you didn’t walk away with more. Worse case is they report you to the police, you get arrested, banged in the slammer for a few hours and my guess is any court will look on it as an aberration in your character and let you off very lightly  and with some sympathy.

 

MICHAEL

You may be right.

 

CRAIG

Was there ever any doubt?

 

MICHAEL

And my wife?

 

CRAIG

We’ll slap that bitch when we come to it.

 

MICHAEL

What?

 

CRAIG

Tell her the truth. Tell her you have a boyfriend.

 

MICHAEL

I never said I had a boyfriend.

 

CRAIG

But it is a man, isn’t it?

 

MICHAEL

I…uh…

 

CRAIG

Isn’t it?

 

MICHAEL

Yes.

 

CRAIG

Then stop pussy footing around! Sing out Louise. March right up to your wife and tell her you just prefer cock now! That’s the kind of clanger that can really sort out a marriage, pronto. Tell her you long for schlong and you’re a total bottom. Then grab some clothes and walk out the door. If she’s as bored with you as you are with her she may even thank you. Can I give you a bit of a heads up?

 

MICHAEL

Okay.

 

CRAIG

You need to be a little more honest with yourself. All this evasion and secrecy is likely to give you a tumour. You really think in this day and age people give a shit if you’re gay or bi or whatever? No. Unless you’re some coked-up footballer smacked off his tits every five minutes or a blonde dickhead with a texting fetish, no-one really gives a shit. [PAUSE] Although I could be wrong. Gay embezzler? Put that on your business card and straight away your stock goes up. With that kind of back-story you’ll never have to buy a drink in a bar again. As for your boyfriend…

 

MICHAEL

What about him?

 

CRAIG

Do you love him?

 

MICHAEL

I thought I did once. Turned out to be a sinus condition.

 

CRAIG

Funny. Is he a good root?

 

MICHAEL

He’s okay.

 

CRAIG

Okay is not good enough.

 

MICHAEL

I’m sure there are better ones out there but I do like him. I just don’t know if I can trust him.

 

CRAIG

Trust is very important in a relationship. If there’s ever any doubt then maybe you should just walk away. I don’t think you’ll be alone for long. Plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of dick in the dunes if you’re looking for something a little more immediate. No one should settle for second best.

 

MICHAEL

Did you settle for second best?

 

CRAIG

Second best? No. Third rate? Definitely.

 

MICHAEL

You know, you never did finished telling me about your friend.

 

CRAIG

What’s to tell?

 

MICHAEL

Have you sorted yourselves out?

 

CRAIG

I think so. I put my foot down. I don’t think he’ll be screwing around in a hurry.

 

MICHAEL

And he agreed?

 

CRAIG

In a way. Pretty much.

 

MICHAEL

That’s good, isn’t it?

 

CRAIG

Mmm.

 

MICHAEL

Isn’t it?

 

CRAIG

It is what it is.

 

MICHAEL

You know, you’re being awfully cryptic.

 

CRAIG

Am I? Could be the booze. I’ve had a bit.  And don’t flatter yourself. I think I may have fucked things up quite a bit more than you have.

 

MICHAEL

I doubt it.

 

CRAIG

Really? Have you ever killed someone?

 

MICHAEL

No.

 

CRAIG

Well, that’s one point to me.

 

MICHAEL

Have you?

 

CRAIG

Maybe.

 

MICHAEL

Who?

 

CRAIG

Ramon.

 

MICHAEL

Ramon?

 

CRAIG

My boyfriend. I may have killed my boyfriend.

 

MICHAEL

What?

 

CRAIG

It was a spur of the moment thingy as well. You understand that, don’t you? Didn’t know what you were doing?

 

MICHAEL

You killed him? When?

 

CRAIG

About 3 hours ago. I put 30 tablets in his cup of tea. He went straight back to bed and I came here.

 

MICHAEL

Fucking hell.

 

CRAIG

I was upset!

 

MICHAEL

Yes, but killing someone seems a bit over-zealous, don’t you think?

 

CRAIG

He was sleeping around. What was I supposed to do?!!

 

MICHAEL

Oh I don’t know. Not kill him? Talk it out? How about those options?

 

CRAIG

I told you I was upset.

 

MICHAEL

Well, you’ve certainly fucked this up, haven’t you?

 

CRAIG

Don’t you talk! You’re not exactly skipping through the lavender either at the moment. At least I’m no criminal.

 

MICHAEL

Embezzlement’s one thing. We’re talking about murder. What are you going to do?

 

CRAIG

Do? Do? How the fuck should I know! I wasn’t even expecting to be here, let alone having this conversation. I thought I’d be dead by now but, just like the rest of my life, it all just turns to shit.

 

MICHAEL

Why would you be dead?

 

CRAIG

Because I’ve been trying to kill myself all fucking afternoon but nothing seems to be happening. You’d think they would’ve kicked in by now.

 

MICHAEL

What?

 

CRAIG

The tablets I’ve been taking.

 

MICHAEL GRABS HER BEACH BAG AND TAKES OUT THE BOTTLE OF PILLS

 

MICHAEL

[HE READS THE LABEL THEN SITS BACK ] Are these the pills?

 

CRAIG

Yes.

 

MICHAEL

And they’re the same pills you gave your boyfriend?

 

CRAIG

What is this? Twenty questions? Yes!!

 

MICHAEL

I think you’ll be okay.

 

CRAIG

But I feel my life force being slowly drained.

 

MICHAEL

I seriously doubt it. Your boyfriend will be okay as well.

 

CRAIG

What are you talking about? They’re sleeping pills. I got them from his bedside table. He takes them all the time.

 

MICHAEL

They’re Zenical.

 

CRAIG

No. Zenax.

 

MICHAEL

No, Zenical.

 

CRAIG

So?

 

MICHAEL

It’s a diet pill.

 

CRAIG

What?

 

MICHAEL

A diet pill. You won’t get far with these.

 

CRAIG

Oh shit.

 

MICHAEL

Exactly.

 

CRAIG

So I didn’t kill him?

 

MICHAEL

Not that you know of. But I’m sure 30 diet tablets can’t be good for you. Not in one go.

 

CRAIG

So, what’s the worse that can happen? He could crap himself to death?

 

MICHAEL

Maybe.

 

CRAIG

Good. Christ, I hope he doesn’t do it over our nice doona.

 

MICHAEL

He could suffer serious dehydration. You have to go and see if he’s alright.

 

CRAIG

If I just tried to kill him it hardly seems fitting for me to check if he’s alright, does it?

 

RAMON ENTERS PUTTING ON HIS SHIRT AND NO LONGER WEARING HIS CAP. HE DOES NOT SEE  MICHAEL OR CRAIG.

 

Oh fuck me, it’s him. Don’t move.

 

CRAIG HIDES BEHIND MICHAEL WHO HAS HIS BACK TO RAMON

 

MICHAEL

Who?

 

CRAIG

Ramon. My boyfriend. Fuck me sideways. He looks okay. Thank Christmas for that.

 

CRAIG GRABS THE UMBRELLA AS COWERS BEHIND IT AS MICHAEL TURNS AROUND

 

MICHAEL

Oh bugger. It’s Raoul.

 

CRAIG

Who?

 

MICHAEL

My boyfriend. The one I’m breaking up with.

 

CRAIG

Where? Is he good looking?

 

MICHAEL

Over there.

 

CRAIG

What are you talking about?

 

MICHAEL

He’s early.

 

CRAIG

Whose early?

 

MICHAEL

I called him this morning and asked him to meet me here but that wasn’t for another hour.

 

CRAIG

Who are you talking about?

 

MICHAEL

Him. That guy.

 

CRAIG

That’s Ramon. Wait a minute. How the hell do you know him?

 

MICHAEL

That’s the guy I’ve been having an affair with for the past 5 years.

 

CRAIG

Ramon?

 

MICHAEL

Raoul.

 

CRAIG

You keep saying that! His name is Ramon.

 

MICHAEL

Well, when I knew him he told me his name was Raoul.

 

CRAIG

Well he’s a lying, stinking pile of shit! And to think I was feeling guilty for trying to kill him! [REALISES WHAT HAS JUST BEEN SAID] Wait a minute. You’ve been having an affair with my boyfriend for…five years?

 

LUKE ENTERS AND COMES DOWN BESIDE RAMON. THEY CHECK EACH OTHER OUT FOR A MOMENT THEN START TO GROPE EACH OTHER. CRAIG HAS HIS BACK TO THEM

 

MICHAEL

I didn’t know he had someone on the side.

 

CRAIG

I’m not the bit on the side! You are!

 

MICHAEL

He told me he was single.

 

CRAIG

And you believed him?

 

MICHAEL

I guess.

 

CRAIG

I told you never to trust anyone! Let me ask you this. After five years did you ever wonder why he never invited you back to his place?

 

MICHAEL

He said he lived with his aged mother and he didn’t want her to know he was gay.

 

CRAIG

No. The reason he never invited you back was because you would have seen me hovering over our kitchen sink bleaching my ring! This is just fucking great.

 

MICHAEL LOOKS AT RAMON AND LUKE GOING FOR IT WITH GUSTO

 

MICHAEL

What is he doing?

 

CRAIG

Well, fucking someone behind my back is first on the list. Let me ask you one more thing. Did he let you fuck him?

 

MICHAEL

I…uh…

 

CRAIG

Just tell me!

 

MICHAEL

Most times, yes.

 

CRAIG

That mother fucker!?

 

CRAIG TURNS AROUND AND IS STUNNED TO SEE RAMON AND LUKE HARD AT IT

 

CRAIG

He’s…why, that piece of shit! He’s doing the beat! I’m going to kill that fucker!

 

MICHAEL

You already tried, remember, and look how far you got.

 

CRAIG

Oh, good one!

 

MICHAEL

What are you going to do?

 

CRAIG

I’m gonna ram this umbrella right up his cheating arse! Then I’m gonna open and close it about ten times. No. He’d probably enjoy it. [DROPPING THE UMBRELLA] Ramon?

 

RAMON AND LUKE STOP GROPING. LUKE LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AT CRAIG AND MICHAEL

 

LUKE

Jesus. I’m never gonna get laid!

 

LUKE EXITS

 

RAMON

Oh, Craig.

 

MICHAEL STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND CRAIG

 

MICHAEL

Hello Raoul.

 

RAMON

Oh shit.

 

MICHAEL

It’s Michael but thanks for telling me how I feel at the moment.

 

RAMON

[TO CRAIG] What are you doing here?

 

CRAIG

I should ask you the same question. I came out here to get a tan.

 

RAMON

You hate the sun.

 

CRAIG

Shut up!

 

RAMON

Fine.

 

CRAIG

Ramon, I want you to tell me something and I don’t want any of your usual bullshit. Now I know the English language is a challenge for you sometimes but I’m going to make it nice and easy for you so it’s going to be a simple yes or no.

 

RAMON

Yes or no.

 

CRAIG

Just the one.

 

RAMON

Okay. I’ll try.

 

CRAIG

No. You won’t try. You’ll do.

 

RAMON

Whatever you say, babe.

 

CRAIG

Don’t “babe” me, you prize winning turd, or so help me I will gut you like a fish. Did you or did you not sleep with this man?

 

RAMON

No.

 

MICHAEL

What? You lying fuck!

 

RAMON

I never slept with him. I had sex with him but I never spent the night.

 

CRAIG

Don’t you dare try and be clever with me, you twerp!

 

RAMON

I’m not.

 

CRAIG

I know you’re not. So it’s true?

 

RAMON

Yes.

 

CRAIG

You’ve been having sex with this man?

 

RAMON

Yes.

 

CRAIG

And how long has it been going on?

 

RAMON

Why don’t you ask him?

 

CRAIG

Because I’m asking you.

 

RAMON

A few months.

 

MICHAEL

Years.

 

RAMON

A few years.

 

MICHAEL

Five.

 

RAMON

Five years.

 

MICHAEL

And three months.

 

RAMON

Shut up.

 

CRAIG

You be nice to him. The fact that I like him at the moment is the only reason you’re not going to be wearing a colostomy bag for the rest of your life! And I’ll bet he’s just the tip of the iceberg too. Am I right?  How many others have there been?

 

RAMON

This week?

 

CRAIG

Jesus! What were you doing when I wasn’t around? Walking backwards with your dick hanging out your pants, trawling for poofters?

 

RAMON

I’m sorry Michael.

 

CRAIG

[STUNNED] How about my apology? I’m the husband. He’s just the root. I out-rank him. No disrespect intended.

 

MICHAEL

None taken.

 

CRAIG

You know, my friends always asked me why I stayed with you. They thought you were rude, arrogant. Some of them even called you a cum guzzling tosser. But I said they didn’t know you like I did. You’re a good cook as well! I‘d tell them you were loyal, honest, didn’t wipe your dick on the drapes. I’d tell them we were together because we loved each other. What the fuck am I supposed to tell them now?

 

RAMON

You’re friends always hated me. Tell them nothing. Better yet…tell them to go fuck themselves! Uptight, pretentious queens.

 

CRAIG

And deal with this all by myself? Are you fucking crazy? I gonna tell everyone I know. I’m gonna do a letter box drop. I’m going to hole up complete strangers on the street just to tell them I was dating an absolute fucking creep. I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. But you know who I’m going to tell first? Your friends. Let’s see what they think of you then?

 

RAMON

Most of them know.

 

CRAIG

They know?

 

RAMON

Yeah.

 

CRAIG

Did they also know you were a scummy beat queen and a dud fuck?

 

RAMON

I’m not a dud fuck.

 

CRAIG

That’s not me groaning behind you. That’s snoring!

 

TODD ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE SIDE, FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY LUKE.

 

RAMON

Then maybe it’s better if we break up.

 

CRAIG

Don’t you tell me we should break up! I tell you we should break up. You’re the creep in this whole affair. You don’t get that right unless you’re the one that’s been fucked over.

 

RAMON

Alright. Whatever gets you there.

 

CRAIG

“Whatever gets you there?” I’d like to knock your block off.

 

RAMON

[SARCASTICALLY] Really?

 

MICHAEL HOLDS UP CRAIG’S BEACH BAG. CRAIG TAKES IT AND SWINGS IT VIOLENTLY INTO THE SIDE OF RAMON’S HEAD. RAMON FALLS TO THE GROUND.

 

CRAIG

Yes, really.

 

TODD RUSHES ACROSS THE STAGE SCREAMING

 

TODD

Don’t you hit him, you bloody drag queen! Don’t you hurt my Rainman. I’m gonna tear you a new one!

 

TODD JUMPS ONTO CRAIG’S BACK. CRAIG IS TRYING TO SHAKE HIM OFF. TODD PULLS CRAIG’S WIG OFF. CRAIG SCREAMS. TODD  PICKS UP THE SMALL KNIFE FROM THE TABLE AND STARTS CHASING CRAIG AROUND RAMON. THEY ARE SCREAMING AT HIM TO PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. THE OTHERS ARE TRYING TO GET CLOSE AND TAKE THE KNIFE AWAY. “JUST PUT DOWN THE KNIFE, YOU LUNATIC! DON’T HURT HIM! DON’T GET TOO CLOSE. WHAT DO WE DO? SOMEONE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE ETC.” THERE IS GENERAL MAYHEM AS THEY ARGUE WITH HIM AND EACH OTHER. MICHAEL GRABS THE BEACH BAG AND IS TRYING TO KNOCK THE KNIFE OUT OF TODD’S HAND. TODD LUNGES AND STABS MICHAEL UNDER THE ARM. THE OTHERS SCREAM AS MICHAEL STANDS STILL FOR A MOMENT. HIS EYES ROLL BACK. HE FALLS TO THE GROUND IN SHOCK. THE OTHERS SCREAM AGAIN

 

CRAIG

You fucking maniac! You’ve stabbed him! We’re calling the police. I’m going to fucking kill you!

 

TODD

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

 

TODD RUSHES OFF. CRAIG IS SCREAMING AFTER HIM

 

CRAIG

Mother fucker!

 

THEY ALL RUSH TO MICHAEL AND SIT HIM UP

 

MICHAEL

It’s alright. I’m okay. It was just the shock.

 

CRAIG

He’s just nicked your arm. It should be alright. You won’t need any stitches.

 

MICHAEL

That’s good. But I think your bag is dead.

 

LUKE

Are you sure?

 

MICHAEL

Yes, I’m sure.

 

LUKE

Shouldn’t someone go after him?

 

MICHAEL

No. Just leave it.

 

CRAIG GRABS LUKE’S HEAD BAND AND POURS SOME VODKA INTO IT.

 

LUKE

Hey?

 

CRAIG

Don’t worry, hippy. It’s all for the greater good. Buddha will love you.

 

LUKE

I better check to see he’s still not hanging around.

 

LUKE EXITS. CRAIG WRAPS  IT AROUND MICHAEL’S ARM

 

CRAIG

Are you happy now?

 

RAMON

You think this makes me happy? You’re the one who hit me.

 

CRAIG

Don’t say you didn’t deserve it. You’ve been screwing around behind my back for years and now I just look like an idiot. The least you could do is take that arrogant look off your face. To think I wasted seven years of my life with you.

 

RAMON

It wasn’t a complete waste.

 

CRAIG

Why?

 

RAMON

Why what?

 

CRAIG

Why, after all these years, do you now decide you’re bored with me? I mean, what was the trigger?

 

RAMON

I’m wasn’t bored with you. I was bored with…us.

 

CRAIG

That doesn’t help me. What am I supposed to do with that?

 

RAMON

I don’t know. Did you really see us together for the long haul? Because I didn’t.

 

CRAIG

You could have mentioned that, oh, I don’t know…seven years ago! What the hell were you doing with me anyway? Biding your time until something better came along?

 

RAMON

No. Of course not. If I didn’t like you I would’ve gone years ago.

 

CRAIG

Well, I feel special. How about you? I think you should go.

 

RAMON

Okay. I’ll see you at home.

 

CRAIG

No. I think you should move out.

 

RAMON

Oh. Okay.

 

CRAIG

Tonight.

 

RAMON

But…

 

CRAIG

Tonight.

 

RAMON

Sure. Okay. I’ll stay at a friend’s place.

 

CRAIG

Of course you will.

 

RAMON

I’ll get my things in a few days.

 

CRAIG

That shouldn’t take long. They’ll be on the front lawn on fire. It’s a fire sale. Everything must go!

 

RAMON

Do you hate me?

 

CRAIG

At the moment? Yes. In a few weeks I’ll just come to loathe you. That’s all part of the process.

 

RAMON

I do love you.

 

CRAIG

Yes, that really helps.

 

HE TURNS TO MICHAEL.

 

RAMON

Michael, I’m sorry. [HE STARTS TO EXIT THEN TURNS AROUND] Maybe I can call you tomorrow?

 

MICHAEL

Don’t.

 

THERE IS A LOUD STOMACH GRUMBLE COMING FROM RAMON’S DIRECTION.  A HORRIFIED LOOK CROSSES HIS FACE.

 

CRAIG

I hope those Speedos are stain proof!

 

RAMON RUSHES OFF CLUTCHING HIS BACKSIDE. CRAIG SITS STILL FOR A MOMENT. MICHAEL WATCHES HIM.

 

Are you okay?

 

MICHAEL

I think so.

 

CRAIG

You really should call the police.

 

MICHAEL

I’d rather not. Not just yet.

 

MICHAEL

What about you? Are you going to be okay?

 

CRAIG

I’m sure I will be. Just not right now.

 

MICHAEL

I’m sorry.

 

CRAIG

For what?

 

MICHAEL

It looks like I’m the other woman. Maybe it was Karma.

 

CRAIG

Bullshit. Not your fault. You didn’t know. I should have paid more attention and relied on my instincts. [PAUSE] What about you? I mean, you had a bit invested in him as well, you know. Unless of course you’re planning on still seeing him?

 

MICHAEL

God, no. To tell the truth he was pretty lousy at the sex anyway.

 

CRAIG

Thank you! I thought it was just me.

 

MICHAEL

And boring to talk to. Really. Bring a book.

 

CRAIG

And talk about loose! Like throwing a bowling ball up Bourke Street.

 

MICHAEL

You want to go for a coffee or something?

 

CRAIG

I think that would be lovely. I might just duck home and get changed first. Actually a quick shower wouldn’t hurt. Oh bugger it. I feel so dirty after all that’s gone on it’s going to be nothing less than the full Karen Silkwood scrub!

 

MICHAEL

Sure.

 

LUKE ENTERS.

 

LUKE

Well, I think he’s gone.

 

MICHAEL

Oh. Doesn’t matter anyway. I’ll survive. Thanks anyway.

 

LUKE

Are you off then?

 

MICHAEL

Yeah. I have a few things to sort out.

 

LUKE

Of course. Good for you. Well, you take care of yourself.

 

MICHAEL

Yeah. You too. Thanks for trying to save my life.

 

LUKE

No biggie. Sure you don’t want to have that drink together?

 

MICHAEL

I’ve already got a coffee date but thanks anyway.

 

LUKE

Yeah, well, don’t forget to talk to your wife.

 

MICHAEL

Top of my list.

 

CRAIG

After coffee.

 

MICHAEL

After coffee.

 

CRAIG

And you.

 

LUKE

Yeah?

 

CRAIG

Go home.

 

LUKE

Just about to. Bye.

 

CRAIG

Goodbye.

 

LUKE

Oh. Should I tell mum you’ll be home for dinner Sunday?

 

CRAIG

Yes. I should be free.

 

MICHAEL

You know each other?

 

LUKE

He’s my brother, dude.

 

CRAIG

I told you I have family issues. It’s complicated.

 

THEY EXIT. LUKE LOOKS OFF TO SEA. TODD ENTERS. LUKE LOOKS AT HIM.

 

LUKE

Oh, you again. Thought you’d gone.

 

TODD

I’m sorry. I thought they were hurting him.

 

LUKE

Who?

 

TODD

The drag queen was hurting my Rainman.

 

LUKE

The drag queen was his boyfriend.

 

TODD

Oh.

 

LUKE

And the drag queen is my brother. You’re lucky they haven’t called the police.

 

TODD

That’s why I came back. I was gonna hand myself in.

 

LUKE

Well you don’t need to now. They’ve gone.

 

TODD

Is he alright?

 

LUKE

Dude, you tried to stab him with a knife. But yeah. He’s alright.

 

TODD

Oh shit. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Honest.

 

LUKE

I believe you.

 

TODD

You do?

 

LUKE

Yeah.

 

TODD

Good.

 

TODD SITS DOWN. AFTER A PAUSE LUKE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM. THEY BOTH LOOK OUT TO SEA. AFTER A LONG PAUSE.

 

You want to go fuck in the dunes?

 

LUKE

[SHAKING HIS HEAD] Unbelievable.

 

HE LOOKS AT TODD. TODD TAKES LUKE’S HAND AND PLACES IT ON HIS CROTCH.

 

Yeah, alright.

 

THEY START TO WALK OFF

 

LUKE

Are you a top or a bottom?

 

TODD

 [SPITTING ON HIS HAND] Yes.

 

 

Lights fade

 

 

End