Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.

This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
 
 

Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O. Box 445, Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone 61 2  9281 9622
Fax 61 2   9212 7100
raftos@raftos.com.au
 
 

The Gathering Of Vampires. ©  Copyright August 1995. Steven Dawson
 
 

The Gathering Of Vampires - by Steven Dawson
 
 

Characters.

Phillip
Danny
Barry
Dougie
Alan
Colin
Gerald

First Performance Sept 14th, 1995 Stables Theatre, Sydney Australia

Cast As Follows
 

Phillip	Tom Healey
Alan	John Mulock
Gerald	Martin Reefman
Dougie	Hugh Munro
Barry	Phillip Scott
Colin
Danny	Gerard Carroll
Directed by	Alex Galeazzi
Set & Costume Design by	Sue Field
Lighting Design by	Shane Stevens
Sound Design by	Nigel Ubrihien
Choreography by	Graham McKane
Production Manager	Jansson Antmann
Asst. Stage Manager	Heidi Post
Produced by	Christopher Hewitt

 Original workshops of this play were held by Wingandaprayer Productions and The Griffin Theatre Company with the following actors: Tom Healey, Fred Whitlock, James Benedict, Iain Murton, Phillip Parslowe, Jon Finlayson, Peter Edmonds, Paul Hunt, Andrew McFarlane, Keith Robinson, Robert Davis, Phillip Hyde, David Brown and Damien Rice. The workshops were co-ordinated by Alex Galeazzi.

SCENE ONE
 

LIGHTS COME UP ON FOREST CLEARING TOWARDS EARLY EVENING. PHILLIP IS BENT OVER TRYING TO CATCH HIS BREATH AFTER A LONG HIKE. HE STANDS UP AND LOOKS AROUND. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH THEN COUGHS VIOLENTLY. HE GRABS A HANKY FROM HIS BACK POCKET AND COVERS HIS FACE.

PHILLIP
Love that fucking pollen count. Someone shoot me now. Oh fuck. I’m bushed.

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING HE TAKES OFF HIS BACKPACK AND THROWS IT TO THE GROUND.

Oh shit!

HE GRABS THE BACKPACK AND TAKES A SMALL CANISTER OUT OF IT WHICH HAS COME UNSEALED.

Oh bugger.

HE SCRAPES SOME ASHES OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE BACKPACK AND TRIES TO PUT THEM BACK IN THE CANISTER.

Well, there goes all those karma credits.

HE RE-SEALS THE CANISTER AND WIPES HIS HANDS ON THE BACK OF HIS TROUSERS.

Okay girlfriend. Take a good look. I remember how much you liked this place. Remember the first time we came here? The whole lot of us. Jesus, what a time.

MUSIC: "Go West" by the Pet Shop Boys. THE LIGHTING CHANGES TO LATE AFTERNOON. DANNY ENTERS CARRYING A GHETTO BLASTER PUMPING OUT THE MUSIC AND TWO BACK PACKS. HE SWITCHES OFF THE MUSIC AND LOOKS AT PHILLIP THEN THROWS ONE OF THE BACK PACKS AT PHILLIP'S FEET.

DANNY
Here, bitch. Carry your own hat boxes. [LOOKS AROUND] Well, this is a peach.

BARRY ENTERS, ALSO CARRYING A BACK PACK. HE LOOKS AT THE OTHER TWO AND THEN LOOKS AROUND.

BARRY
Thank fucking Christ for that. If I hear that song once more I’m gonna shove that thing fair up your arse!

HE STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND.

BARRY
Fabulous. I can just see it now.

PHILLIP
See what?

BARRY
Seven fat queens being winched out of a ravine by police helicopter.

DANNY
They'll be carrying you out on a mule. [TO PHILLIP] Is this it? Is this where we're stopping?

PHILLIP
I guess.

DANNY
Oh, happy, happy, joy, joy.

BARRY
Don't rush things. We've got all weekend to hate it.

DANNY
I didn't say I hate it.

BARRY
Whatever.

THEY GLARE AT EACH OTHER. ALAN & COLIN ENTER. THEY LOOK AROUND.

ALAN
Are we stopping here?

PHILLIP
Well, it's the only place without kangaroo crap, so I guess it'll do.

ALAN
It looks nice. What do you think?

COLIN
Yeah, it’s great.

DOUGIE ENTERS WEARING A COLOURFUL BACKPACK AND A MATCHING OUTFIT. HE STOPS, LOWERS HIS SUNGLASSES AND LOOKS AROUND. HE TURNS AND STARTS TO WALK OFF. DANNY & PHILLIP GRAB HIM AND DRAG HIM BACK.

DOUGIE
I'm not doing this. I don't want this. Whose fucking idea was it, anyway? I don't see a single power point. What am I gonna run my hair dryer on? Cosmic vibrations?

DANNY
Settle.

DOUGIE STOPS AND LOOKS AT HIM.

DOUGIE
I hate that expression. I hate you.

DANNY
Of course you do. [TO THE OTHERS] I say we kill her now.

DOUGIE
You know, I saw a motel about fifty kilometres back. We could all go there.

BARRY
We're staying here, Dorothy. The purpose of this weekend is to get back to nature, remember?

DOUGIE
And I love nature. As long as I can see it from my motel balcony.

DANNY
Oh, shut up. Just make the best of it. Like you've done with your looks.

DOUGIE
Are you sure you want to get back to nature? I mean, after all it's done to you.

DANNY
That's hysterical, Dorothy. Has anyone ever told you you're funny?

DOUGIE
Often.

DANNY
They lied. You're a pig!

PHILLIP
We better set up the tents. It'll be getting dark soon.

BARRY
Sounds like a line from one of those Friday The 13th movies. Are we anywhere near Camp Blood?

DOUGIE
Just my luck. I'm gonna be chased through the bush by an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.

PHILLIP
They'll have to get in line. A-hem. May I make a suggestion?

BARRY
What?

PHILLIP
Can we all try to make the best of this weekend? I came out here to have a nice time and if I don't have a nice time I'm gonna hurt someone.

DANNY
Sure. No problem.

BARRY
It's cool.

ALAN
You bet.

COLIN
Yeah.

THEY ALL LOOK AT DOUGIE.

PHILLIP
Dorothy?

DOUGIE
Alright, alright. Jeez. What do you want? Blood?

PHILLIP
Only if it's from a major artery.

BARRY
Phyllis, I just love what the bush does to your eyes.

PHILLIP
Thanks.

BARRY
Yeah. It’s brought all the red out.

PHILLIP
It’s my hay fever.

BARRY
Smart girl.

DANNY
Who are we missing?

BARRY
What are you? An idiot?

DANNY
To put up with you for six years I must be retarded.

BARRY
You’ll get no arguments on that count.

PHILLIP
Where the hell is he?

COLIN
He was right behind us a moment ago.

BARRY
Probably stopped to have a deep and meaningful with a squirrel.

DANNY
There aren't any squirrels in this country.

BARRY
And thank you David Attenborough.

GERALD ENTERS LOOKING LIKE AN EXPLORER.

GERALD
Hey, guys. Guess what? I saw a rabbit.

THE OTHERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN START TO UNPACK. DOUGIE WALKS UP TO GERALD AND GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR.

DOUGIE
Geraldine? Let's have a little understanding, shall we? We're trapped in the forest, I've got aching feet, insects in my hair and the thought of crapping in the bushes without a shower is repulsive to say the least. So here's a little warning. If you're planning on driving me nuts this weekend with your inane dribble about the weather, ridiculous observations on flora and fauna or anything else that might be of interest only to a brain-damaged train spotter I'm gonna wait till you're asleep, sew you up in your sleeping bag and set fire to your tent! Okay? Am-I-getting-through-to-you?

GERALD
Uh-huh.

DOUGIE
Good.

PHILLIP
Okay. Sleeping arrangements. Alan and Colin?

THEY NOD.

PHILLIP
Barry and Danny?

BARRY
If we must.

PHILLIP
Dorothy, you're sleeping with me and Geraldine.

DOUGIE
Wait a minute. Why am I sleeping with Geraldine?

PHILLIP
Because she's got the only three man tent, the others are full up and there's no more room at the inn, bitch!

DOUGIE
I was just asking. You're an evil and sour person, Phyllis. I hope all your children have little dicks. And that includes the girls.

ALAN
Maybe some of us should go collect firewood.

PHILLIP
Good idea. We better get some fresh water as well. I think the river is about 200 yards down that track.

DOUGIE
River? What do we need a river for?

PHILLIP
Water, Einstein.

DANNY
We’ve got six bottles of Evian, haven't we?

PHILLIP
That's in case of emergency.

DOUGIE
Phyllis, I'm not drinking out of a fucking stream! I'll get typhoid or malaria or something.

BARRY
We can but dream.

COLIN
You want a hand collecting the wood?

ALAN
Sure.

ALAN AND COLIN EXIT.

BARRY
So, what's the up-to-date on those two?

PHILLIP
How should I know? Mind your beez-wax, Seabiscuit. Geraldine, unpack your tent.

GERALD
Okey-dokey.

DANNY
Ten to one it's got Annie Oakley on the side.

GERALD TAKES THE TENT OUT OF HIS BACKPACK. THE OTHERS START ASSEMBLING THEIRS.

BARRY
Are they, you know, dating?

PHILLIP
Colin and Alan? Apparently.

DANNY
I thought Dorothy was seeing Colin.

DOUGIE
We were, okay!? But now we're not. So mention it again and I'll drive a tent peg through your heart.

PHILLIP
I’m glad she’s not bitter. Dougie, are you gonna stand there or are you gonna help?

DOUGIE LOOKS AT HIM AND BATS HIS EYELIDS.

PHILLIP
Well, go and collect some kindling or something.

DOUGIE LOOKS PUZZLED.

PHILLIP
Little bits of wood to start the fire.

DOUGIE
I knew that.

DOUGIE EXITS.

BARRY
No, no. You're doing it all wrong. That's the wrong pole.

DANNY
Beulah, there are only two poles and they’re exactly the same. I'm not a complete idiot.

BARRY
Can I get a second opinion?

DANNY
I have been camping before, you know.

BARRY
Girl guides? You've got the pole upside down, schmuck.

DANNY
Don't call me schmuck, you bloated hump back.

BARRY
Moron.

DANNY
Arsehole!

PHILLIP
So...counselling seems to have paid off for you two?

BARRY
We're just expressing ourselves. Bevan says we mustn’t hold it in. We should say what we feel.

PHILLIP
Who the fuck is Bevan?

DANNY
Our R.S.C.

PHILLIP
What?

BARRY
Relation support counsellor. Pathetic, isn’t it? In my day it was called marriage guidance.

DANNY
In your day they were bashing bones against large black monoliths and howling at the moon.

BARRY
And don’t forget hitting their wives over the head with clubs.

DANNY
If I were your wife I'd let you.

PHILLIP
Back to the story, ladies.

DANNY
Bevan’s one of those new breed of counsellors. You know. Very down to earth. Very at one with the cosmos.

BARRY
In other words he's out to lunch.

PHILLIP
And what’s he supposed to do?

DANNY
Bevan’s our guide through the "rocky emotional terrain that is part and parcel of the whole, the sturm und drang, [BARRY JOINS IN] the atmos and ethos, Yin and Yang."

BARRY
Which basically means he listens to all our crap for forty minutes, ohms in the corner and then tells us to eat more yoghurt!

DANNY
Bevan says food can be a major source of disharmony. A balanced diet is the fundamental crotch to a balanced relationship.

BARRY
That's crutch.

PHILLIP
Well, he sounds like a jerk. Where the hell did you meet this guy, anyway?

DANNY
Buddy night at the sauna.

BARRY
We thought sex might bring us closer together if it was done apart. Not my idea of course.

PHILLIP
That sounds logical. And did it?

DANNY
Not really. Barry got chased all night by some weirdo in a towel turban and sling backs and I got athlete's foot. Plus we were seen by a couple of Barry’s ex’s. Funny, I thought they’d all be in homes by now.

BARRY
And they just love to compare notes. Gives ‘em something new to bitch about. Now everyone’s gonna know we’re dud fucks.

DANNY
You keep saying that. We are not dud fucks!

BARRY
Six years sleeping together and you'd think by now we knew where everything went.

DANNY
We've just hit a dead spot, that's all. Bevan says we have to be more experimental.

BARRY
That's rich coming from him. He was wearing flares at our last session!

PHILLIP
Is he cute?

DANNY
What's that got to do with anything?

BARRY
The sad thing is yes, he's a little stunner.

DANNY
He's just okay.

BARRY
Looks like a right splurter to me.

GERALD
A what?

BARRY
You know.

BARRY INDICATES SOMEONE EXPLODING IN AN ORGASM OVER HIS CHEST.

GERALD
Oh, yeah!

PHILLIP
Back to your work, Prissy. Them’s chores to be done.

DANNY
He's not that good looking.

BARRY
Looks like a model.

GERALD
I always wanted to be a model.

PHILLIP
Clay?

BARRY WAVES AN IMAGINARY WAND AND SPEAKS IN FALSETTO.

BARRY
And so you shall.

THE TWO TENTS ARE NOW SET UP.

PHILLIP
Well, we're done.

BARRY
Same here. I’m gonna go beat up Dorothy. You coming?

DANNY
Pass.

BARRY
Now you know it’s no fun with just one. [BEAT] Alright, it is fun but still...

DANNY
I'll set up Alan and Colin's tent. You go.

PHILLIP
Here. [HE PUSHES GERALD AWAY] Take "giggles" with you.

GERALD
I don't want to go.

PHILLIP
Yes you do.

GERALD
Okay.

PHILLIP
You better watch out. There's old mine shafts all over the place.

BARRY
Of course there are and why shouldn't there be. Geraldine, you go first.

BARRY PUSHES HIM OFF. PHILLIP HELPS DANNY SET UP THE LAST TENT. HE WATCHES HIM INTENTLY.

PHILLIP
You're sleeping with him, aren't you?

DANNY LOOKS STUNNED.

DANNY
Who?

PHILLIP
You and this Bevan guy.

DANNY
No, of course not.

PHILLIP
Liar, liar, pants on fire.

DANNY
I forgot about your woman's intuition.

PHILLIP
It's a gift and a burden.

DANNY
Are we talking about the hump on your back?

PHILLIP
Just don't try rubbing it for luck.

DANNY
How did you...?

PHILLIP
You and Bevan? [SMILING] I can read you like a flyer. Does Beulah know?

DANNY
Are you crazy? He'd kill me.

PHILLIP
I don't blame him. Fancy sleeping with your marriage guidance counsellor.

DANNY
R.S.C.

PHILLIP
Whatever.

DANNY
Look, it's not serious or anything like that.

PHILLIP
Of course it isn't.

DANNY
Bevan's got a boyfriend.

PHILLIP
He's married?

DANNY
Yep.

PHILLIP
Then what was he doing at the baths?

DANNY
They're having problems.

PHILLIP
Who is?

DANNY
Bevan and his boyfriend.

PHILLIP
Is it just me or does that situation sound a little strange?

DANNY
I'm trying not to think about it. And don't you go getting all pious, Phyllis. You were stepping out on Daisy three years before he found out and dumped you.

PHILLIP
He didn't dump me. We came to a mutual agreement.

DANNY
And what was that?

PHILLIP
If I let him leave he wouldn't punch my lights out. Besides, I never said I was June Cleaver.

DANNY
Good thing, June. You haven't got the style.

PHILLIP
Or the beaver. So what happens when Beulah finds out?

DANNY
Well, he’d go through the roof but it's not gonna happen anyway because I broke it off with Bevan this morning.

PHILLIP
Why?

DANNY
He was becoming too demanding.

PHILLIP
Not to mention totally unethical.

DANNY
He kept calling me at work so I let him have it. I told him I didn’t want to have an affair with the one person who was supposed to be helping me from feeling the need to have an affair in the first place.

PHILLIP
What did he say?

DANNY
I've no idea. He wasn't in. I left a message on his machine.

PHILLIP
You brave little soul.

COLIN ENTERS WITH A BUNDLE OF WOOD. HE SMILES AT THE OTHER TWO.

COLIN
Hi guys. Oh, you've put up our tent. Thanks. Are you sure we need the fire yet?

HE STARTS TO PREPARE A FIRE.

PHILLIP
It's for the marshmallows. And pile it high, honey, in case we have to burn someone at the stake.

DANNY GLARES AT HIM.

DANNY
I'll just go see if Beulah's been eaten by a bear. Hah! Like a bear would survive.

DANNY EXITS.

PHILLIP
Are you okay, Colin? You've been a bit quiet today.

COLIN
Oh, yeah. I'm okay. It's just that...well, you know...

PHILLIP
Alan?

COLIN
Yeah.

PHILLIP
Well, speaking as the group’s agony aunt and believe me it’s all agony; one thing I’ve learned about Alan is you never rush him. Michael's only been gone twelve months so it's gonna take him a little time to loosen up, okay? And don't worry. I'm sure it's not you.

COLIN
I was starting to wonder.

PHILLIP
He does like you, you know.

COLIN
Yeah?

PHILLIP
I'm certain of it.

COLIN
Good. I...I really like him, you know.

PHILLIP
Get out of here.

DOUGIE AND GERALD ENTER. DOUGIE IS CARRYING A FEW SMALL TWIGS. HE DROPS THEM BY THE FIRE COLIN IS MAKING. HE TURNS TO GERALD.

DOUGIE
Stop following me, Wayne. Get your own friends!

GERALD
What?

DOUGIE
Skip it.

GERALD
Phillip, did you see? There's a river just down the path.

PHILLIP
I know.

GERALD
We could go for a swim.

BARRY, DANNY and ALAN ENTER.

DOUGIE
Forget it. The last time I went for a swim in a river a dead dog floated past me.

BARRY
Bet it wasn't dead until you put on your two piece.

DOUGIE
You’re so funny. Not!

PHILLIP
The last time she had her blouse off someone tried entering her in best of breed.

THEY ALL SIT DOWN IN VARIOUS POSITIONS. GERALD PULLS OUT A COMIC. DOUGIE IS DOING HIS NAILS. COLIN SPREADS HIS SLEEPING BAG OUT. AFTER A LONG PAUSE...

BARRY
Well, this is riveting.

DOUGIE
So what do we do now?

PHILLIP
Nothing. We relax.

DOUGIE
Phyllis, I could've relaxed at home and still be holding the remote.

BARRY
With one hand of course.

DANNY
You know this reminds me of a documentary I saw once where all these big butch truck drivers went into the bush for a weekend to reclaim their manhood or something. They were all wearing flannelette shirts, banging on drums and screaming about their fathers not loving them.

DOUGIE
That’s disgraceful. Must have been straight. Nobody wears flannelette anymore.

DANNY
Yeah. And then...I think they got chased through the bush and one of the guys, the fat one, got raped by these retards with banjos and they made him squeal like a pig!

BARRY
I think you're confusing that with Deliverance.

DANNY
Really? Shit.

ALAN
I’m sure I saw that in an episode of Skippy.

GERALD
Why don't we go for a walk?

THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.

BARRY
We've just walked for what feels like hours....

DANNY
Twenty minutes.

BARRY
And she wants to play bloody Burke & Wills.

DOUGIE
There's no way I'm walking another step. I'm fucked.

PHILLIP
Hard to believe. Truly a girl of her times.

DOUGIE
Tell me, do all you feral pigs travel in packs?

BARRY
You've been to the Stronghold. You tell us.

DOUGIE
Well shave your back, bitch and get off mine!

GERALD
Then how about we have a sing song?

BARRY
What?

GERALD
Sure. We used to do it in the cubs all the time.

BARRY
That accounts for her uniform fetish.

DOUGIE
Forget it. I don't know any camp fire songs.

PHILLIP & DOUGIE LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN START SINGING THE FIRST FEW BARS OF "People" FROM FUNNY GIRL.

ALAN
That's not camp fire. Just camp.

DANNY
Maybe we should just go to sleep. I'm kinda pooped.

COLIN
What time is it?

ALAN
7 o'clock.

THEY ALL MOAN.

BARRY
We better pace ourselves. If we have all our fun tonight there'll be nothing to look forward to, come tomorrow.

DOUGIE
I need to go to the toilet. Phyllis, where are the loos around here?

PHILLIP
Dorothy, we're miles into the bush. Go find yourself a tree.

DOUGIE
You mean I have to...

PHILLIP
Uh-huh.

DOUGIE
Ugh! Well, who brought the toilet paper?

THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER. DOUGIE GOES OVER TO PHILLIP AND LEANS IN TO HIM.

DOUGIE
[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Thank you so-oo much!

HE WALKS OVER AND GRABS GERALD'S COMIC.

GERALD
Hey, that's....

DOUGIE
Sorry, Geraldine. These are desperate times.

HE WALKS OFF COUGHING.

PHILLIP
What's she trying to do? Hawk up a fur ball?

BARRY
Look out world. [SOLEMNLY] "The queen has entered the forest."
 

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE TWO

THE GROUP ARE SUNBAKING ON TOWELS. BARRY IS THE ONLY ONE WEARING A SHIRT. DOUGIE HOLDS A REFLECTOR SHIELD UNDER HIS NECK. GERALD IS LYING CLOSE TO HIM TRYING TO GET SOME OF HIS BEACH TOWEL. DANNY READS FROM A GAY NEWSPAPER.

DANNY
Hey, listen to this one. 30 year old playful pup wants younger pups to have fun with and sniff out. Not into pedigrees but I am choosy. Your photo gets mine.

PHILLIP
Sniff out?

DANNY
Don't ask me.

BARRY
Stop reading that trash. It's sick.

DANNY
You think so? Well, listen to this. Hot, horny, young, stud muffin master wants slave into shaving, spanking, swimwear and cake. Sincere callers only.

PHILLIP
Sincere? Like someone's gonna pretend they're into that sort of stuff.

ALAN
Cake? What do they do with cake?

DOUGIE
Maybe they shove the cake down your speedos while they're trimming your moustache and if you complain they smack you in the mouth. That should cover all bases.

DANNY
Here's another one. Average looking guy...

PHILLIP
Who's gonna admit to being average? I mean if you had a choice wouldn't you go for the one that admits to being gorgeous. Sorry. You're too good looking. I only go for trolls.

DANNY
That accounts for your past record, Phyllis. Can I finish?

PHILLIP
Knock yourself out.

DANNY
Average looking guy, 30's. Non-scene. Loves theatre, movies, soft music, warm nights by the fire, kissing and cuddling, seeks same with view to relationship based on honesty, trust and understanding.

THEY ALL SIGH.

ALL
Ah.

DANNY
Hang on. There's more. [BEAT] Must be well hung.

PHILLIP
Who says romance is dead? Give me that.

PHILLIP GRABS THE PAPER.

PHILLIP
Dorothy. I found your ad.

DOUGIE
Oh, spare me.

PHILLIP
Short obnoxious queen with zero talent and charisma bypass looking for old, ugly and desperate. You push my wheelchair, I push yours.

DOUGIE
Skinny pig with numerous wrinkles, bad breath and suspect hygiene condition seeks same for flossing and flagellation.

BARRY
Why, Phyllis, that's everything but your name.

ALAN
What ever happened to real passion?

DANNY
Hey, look, there's passion on every one of those pages.

BARRY
You wouldn't know passion if it ran up and bit you on the arse!

DANNY
And of course you would.

BARRY
I might but it was before your time.

DANNY
Before my time you were doing the beats and wondering why small children were reeling back in horror at supermarkets.

PHILLIP
Such a pleasant little couple. I predict an axe murder by night fall.

DOUGIE HITS GERALD.

GERALD
Hey!

DOUGIE
Keep your cold clammy paws away from me, queen, or I'll smack you dead.

GERALD
I didn't bring a towel.

DOUGIE
Tough! Life is pain. Live with it.

BARRY
You're a greedy little pig, Dorothy. Give him some of your towel.

DOUGIE
You give him some of yours.

BARRY
Sorry, Geraldine. Life's a bitch and so am I.

GERALD
That's okay.

DANNY
Serve yourself right. Next time you come on a trip make sure you're prepared. By the way, did anyone bring suntan lotion?

ALL
No.

GERALD
I've got some.

DANNY
Christ. May I borrow some, you sack of slop?

PHILLIP
How can you say no?

GERALD
It's in my bag.

DANNY GETS UP AND GOES OVER TO GERALD'S BAG. GERALD JUMPS UP AND GRABS THE BAG.

GERALD
Er....I'll get it.

THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.

ALAN
What have you got hiding in there, Gerald?

GERALD
Nothing.

BARRY
Yeah, right.

DANNY
You know, we haven't all been near water since that time we went to the beach.

PHILLIP
Ugh. Don't remind me. Colin you weren't there for this. Three years?

BARRY
More like five.

PHILLIP
Jesus. Was it? Five years ago. The day of Mardi Gras. Back when they were fun even without drugs.

ALAN
We're obviously talking ancient history.

PHILLIP
We were all going as what?

ALL
Life guards.

DANNY
Quelle original.

PHILLIP
And we all desperately needed a tan.

DOUGIE
Don't down play it Phyllis. Your body was so white I got cataracts.

GERALD
Where was that?

ALL
Glamouramma.

THEY ALL SHIVER AT THE THOUGHT.

GERALD
Oh that's right.

PHILLIP
The water was so polluted we all got a stomach bug.

DANNY
Polluted? You'd walk into the water and come out with a tan line.

ALAN
We spent the whole night running, literally, to the toilets.

DOUGIE
That's when we could find one that didn't have the light bulbs smashed and twenty queens packed in, trying to make babies.

BARRY
Fucking Mardi Gras.

DANNY
Oh-oh. Here we go. Who mentioned Mardi Gras?

BARRY
What a joke. Shang-hied, that’s what it is. The minute our backs are turned snivelling, untalented little queens and house Frau politico dykes take over. Where were they when we were being dragged off to prison? Where were they when the police were bashing us in the cells?

DANNY
Since when did you ever get bashed in a cell?

ALAN
You were living in New Zealand during the seventies.

DOUGIE
As if that wasn't obvious enough.

BARRY
I'm speaking metaphorically, queen. But if I had been there I would've been on the front line.

DANNY
Selling Amway, no doubt.

BARRY
As soon as those dykes get their size nines in the door of anything they want to run the whole shebang. Remember when it was just men at those parties? I'm not talking about the screaming queens from the Albury in pants made out of their granny's doilies but real men. The girls had their parties; the boys had theirs and the in-betweens....like Dorothy, well they stayed at home and ran up hats. There wasn't this pseudo "community" shit either. Everyone pretending to be nice to each other.

PHILLIP
You're locked in a time warp, Beulah.

DANNY
How did we get into this?

BARRY
We did the ground work and they take all the glory.

DANNY
Have you finished yet?

BARRY
Don't get me wrong. I like women.

ALL
“Some of my best friends are women.”

DANNY
The only trouble is that every time he gets into a room with a dyke he wants to punch their lights out.

BARRY
Right now I wish you were a dyke. My point is that they won't be happy until there ain't a single man on the dance floor. Now there’s even some loonies who want to take our disease away from us. Well, if they want that, they're welcome to it! And while they're at it they can take the bashings, the pain and heartbreak and all the other shit that goes with it. Fuck Mardi Gras! Fuck them all!

PHILLIP
I just love it when we touch a raw nerve, don't you?

BARRY
And while we're at it, who the hell came up with this "queer" shit?

THE OTHERS GROAN

DANNY
Look out. She's on a roll.

BARRY
I have performed synchronised swimming through six different types of crap over the last forty years trying to accept myself for what I am and no shaved-headed little yuppie queen in a spandex blouse and Clark Kent goggles is gonna call me "queer!"

ALAN
If you’re that bothered do something about it. Do the rallies.

PHILLIP
Make a stand.

DOUGIE
Take a pill.

BARRY
I'm far too busy.

DANNY
Spoken like a true wet fish.

DOUGIE
She’s just not a people person.

DANNY
You know, maybe if you lost some weight...

BARRY
What's my weight got to do with anything?

DANNY
Bevan says when we are unhappy with ourselves we always look for fault in others.

BARRY
I wasn’t talking about my weight.

DANNY
Maybe not but, well, you're always moaning about how much you weigh. I've told you it doesn't matter to me how fat you are.

BARRY
Oh, so now I'm fat?

DOUGIE
Of course you are, Beulah. You've got an arse that sits in two time zones. I bet when you and Danny have sex he just slaps one of your thighs and rides the wave in.

BARRY
Hah-bloody-hah! I'll have you know some people think I have washboard stomach.

THEY ALL START LAUGHING.

PHILLIP
Unfortunately the mangle is still attached.

DANNY
[TO BARRY] I just think you should look after yourself. You could have a heart attack or something.

BARRY
So now I’m gonna have a heart attack?

DOUGIE
Hopefully.

BARRY
You just love to pull these little cracks out, don’t you? I wasn't even talking about weight. You were the one who brought it up.

DANNY
Or maybe Bevan was right. You're having a mid-life crisis and can’t face the fact you’re getting old. [TO OTHERS] You should see him when he has one of his hissy fits. It's hysterical

BARRY
[SCREAMING] I do not have hissy fits!

DOUGIE
Oh, we stand corrected.

DANNY
Why don't you grow old gracefully like everyone else?

BARRY
Why don't you fuck off and die!

DANNY
Nice comeback.

DOUGIE
You know you could always have that hormone replacement therapy.

BARRY
And since when did Bevan say that I was having a mid life crisis? He never mentioned anything at our sessions together.

DANNY
Oh...I'm sure he did.

BARRY
I think I would have remembered that.

DOUGIE
You're in the middle of menopause. You don't remember anything.

BARRY
Will you shut the fuck up!

GERALD
Do men have menopause?

DOUGIE
Beulah has more flushes than a porta-loo.

PHILLIP
Can we please change the subject?

BARRY
[TO DANNY] You little weed. I won't forget this.

PAUSE.

PHILLIP
Ah, me. Queens with time on their hands. What do they talk about?

DOUGIE STARTS COUGHING. PHILLIP LOOKS AT HIM.

BARRY
Keep your barking down, Dorothy. You're frightening the wildlife.

DOUGIE
Fuck off, bitch.

DANNY
Such a lady.

ALAN
How are rehearsals going, Dougie?

DOUGIE
What? Oh, great, just great.

ALAN
Dougie's in a big musical.

COLIN
Really?

DOUGIE
It's not that big.

ALAN
Hundreds of people on stage.

DOUGIE
There's thirty.

ALAN
And he gets to say lines this time.

DOUGIE
A line. One crummy line. The rest is just chorus. Sorry. Ensemble.

COLIN
What's it about?

DOUGIE
Don't ask.

DANNY
Tell us.

ALAN
You're gonna love this.

DOUGIE
It's based on the Azaria Chamberlain thing.

BARRY
What's it called?

DOUGIE
Howl - The Musical.

PHILLIP
Sounds precious.

GERALD
Are we going to the opening night?

PHILLIP
Of course we are.

BARRY
We’re queens. We’d go to the opening of an envelope.

GERALD GETS UP.

GERALD
I need to take a leak.

DANNY
Thank you for sharing that with us, Geraldine.

GERALD
Anyone else need to go?

ALL
Er...no thanks...pass....What is she? Mental?

GERALD
Okay.

GERALD EXITS. DANNY GETS UP AND GOES TO GERALD'S BAG.

BARRY
Dee Dee, what are you doing in there?

DANNY
Shut up. I wanna know...

DOUGIE
What? What did you find?

DANNY
Nothing. Just a magazine. Oh my lordy. It's a porn.

DOUGIE
You're kidding.

DANNY
[THUMBING THROUGH IT] Yes, indeedy, folks. It's a suck-’n'-buck festarama.

PHILLIP
Why would he bring...[BEAT] What's the matter?

DANNY IS IN SHOCK

DOUGIE
What?

DOUGIE GETS UP AND LOOKS OVER DANNY'S SHOULDER. HE GOES INTO SHOCK AS WELL. PHILLIP GETS UP AND GRABS THE MAGAZINE.

PHILLIP
Typical. They have to turn total spasmo...[PAUSE] Oh...my...god. It's Geraldine.

BARRY
Get the fuck outta here.

DOUGIE & DANNY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN QUICKLY WRING THEIR HANDS, CRINGING AND SHIVERING.

DANNY & DOUGIE
Ee-uww.

BARRY, ALAN & COLIN CROWD AROUND THE MAGAZINE.

ALAN
Oh, shit.

COLIN
God, it's really him.

BARRY
I don't believe it. Why would he do something like this?

ALAN
The exposure?

BARRY
Well, you don't get much more exposed than this. God, you can just about see every vein.

DANNY & DOUGIE MOCK THROWING UP.

DOUGIE
Beulah, please.

ALAN
Maybe he needed the money.

DANNY
No she doesn't. She hordes like a chipmunk. The last time she ever paid for anything was with shells.

COLIN
Why would he bring it along this weekend?

BARRY
Why does he do anything? We stopped trying to figure Geraldine out a long time ago.

ALAN
What does it say?

DANNY
What?

ALAN
The caption underneath. What does it say?

DANNY
Oh.

HE READS. THE OTHERS LOOK ON. BARRY HITS HIM.

DANNY
What? Oh, you want me to read it aloud?

BARRY
You might as well. Your lips are moving anyway.

DANNY
"Chuck likes to spend most of his day...."

ALL
Chuck?

DANNY
"Chuck likes to spend most of his day just working on his farm."

BARRY
Farm? She wouldn't know a farm if a cow fucked her!

DANNY
"After a long hot day there's nothing better than relaxing with a toss in the hay."

ALL
Ee-uww!

ALAN
I can't believe he's done this.

PHILLIP
I can't believe a lot of things she does.

DANNY
Quick. She's coming back.

THEY SHOVE THE MAGAZINE BACK INTO HIS BAG AND RUSH BACK TO THEIR POSITIONS AS GERALD COMES BACK.

DOUGIE
Geraldine, did you remember to flush?

GERALD
Yeah, of course I,...you’re so funny. Jeez, it's getting hot. Anyone want to go back into the water?

PHILLIP
Pass.

ALAN
I will.

COLIN
Me too.

DOUGIE
Okay.

DANNY
Why not.

PHILLIP
Dorothy, you're going a little red. You want maybe we should baste the other side and put some vegetables around you.

DOUGIE
I'm already surrounded by vegetables.

DANNY
Beulah?

BARRY
No, thank you.

DOUGIE PUSHES GERALD OFF.

DOUGIE
Let's go, Chuck.

GERALD
What?

THE OTHERS STOP FOR A MOMENT. GERALD LOOKS PUZZLED.

DOUGIE
Nothing. Move it.

THEY EXIT LEAVING BARRY AND PHILLIP STILL SITTING  DOWN.

PHILLIP
Ah. At last a quiet moment. Beulah, pass me my bag.

BARRY
[PASSING A SMALL BAG] Why?

PHILLIP TAKES OUT A SMALL HALF BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND TWO GLASSES.

PHILLIP
I was saving this till later to have by myself but Beulah, since you've known me such a long, long time you may join me in my disintegration.

BARRY
Oh, party time! Where you go, my lush friend, I will drunkenly follow.

PHILLIP
Or stagger, as the case may be.

BARRY
And what, prey tell is the reason for this inspired and yet [HOLDING UP THE HALF BOTTLE] abbreviated celebration. Has something monumental happened in your drab and wretched life?

PHILLIP
I’m just revelling in my jaunt amongst the wildflowers.

BARRY
Crap.

PHILLIP
Ah, you see through my ruse.

BARRY
You couldn't wait to get away this weekend. There must be something going on.

PHILLIP
I got fired yesterday.

BARRY
No shit?

PHILLIP
On the contrary. Bulk kaka. I guess I told one too many customers if they didn't make up their minds pronto I'd break into their houses and roger their vile offspring with a prize winning zucchini.

BARRY
Mm. Vivid. I guess some people can't take a joke.

PHILLIP
Oh, that doesn't bother me really. I mean I can survive until I get another job but...

BARRY
But what?

PHILLIP
Well it got me thinking.

BARRY
About?

PHILLIP
Well, everything I suppose. Do you know what day it is today?

BARRY
Nope. Not in the slightest.

PHILLIP
September 29th

BARRY
Okay, you got me. What?

PHILLIP
Ten years since Leslie died.

BARRY
Jesus, is it?

PHILLIP
Uh-huh.

BARRY
Time flies when you're shuffling off to Buffalo.

PHILLIP
That's for sure.

BARRY
Ten years, huh? Boy, oh, boy.

PHILLIP
And do you know what the worst thing is?

BARRY
Besides your appalling dress sense? What?

PHILLIP
I can't really remember what the hell he looked like. I mean I know what he looked like but the image is getting blurred or something. I used to go to bed and just as I'd close my eyes I could still see him clearly. Nowadays if it weren’t for the photographs I'd forget completely. All that thick red hair and freckles. “Them big freckly red-headed men. Them’s fierce.” You know, he was the funniest person I ever met. The only one who could stop me dead in my tracks.

BARRY
I remember.

PHILLIP
But more importantly he was the only man I ever wanted to grow old with. That only happens once, doesn’t it. It seems so unfair. He was the only one who ever said he wanted to climb mountains with me. God. Remember how he was one of the first people we ever knew to get sick? For one brief moment it was almost fashionable to know someone that was ill. Then everyone started getting sick and, just like Sunset Boulevard, the novelty soon wore off. You know the old saying. "I know a lot of dead people.” First Leslie then Michael...

BARRY
And that's why this weekend...

PHILLIP
Maybe. There's not much in this world I want but this group even with all it's crap is still the closest thing I've got to family. To home. Without actually clicking my heels, anyway. Of course if you let this get out I’ll deny everything.

BARRY
My hips are soiled.

PHILLIP
But things have a habit of changing.

BARRY
They don’t change that much.

PHILLIP
Well, they change too much for my liking.

BARRY
Who ya' gonna complain to?

PHILLIP
And I don’t relish the thought of ending up old and alone either so just promise me if I ever get pasty and perverted like that old guy in Death in Venice you’ll put me out of my misery. I don't wanna end up dropping dead in a deck chair.

BARRY
I promise. The minute you go gaga over a pretty youth I'll fillet your puny carcass and feed it to the rats.

PHILLIP
Such a poet.

BARRY
Ring time, sis?

THEY BOTH CONNECT THEIR INDEX FINGER KNUCKLES.

BOTH
Shazam!

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE THREE

NIGHT. THE GROUP ARE SITTING AROUND A CAMPFIRE. COLIN IS HOLDING A POTATO ON A STICK OVER THE FIRE. THE OTHERS ARE EATING ALREADY COOKED POTATOES. DANNY WALKS ON AND THROWS THE COMIC AT GERALD.

DANNY
Thanks Geraldine. I love your comic.

GERALD
Yeah? Me too. Some kid left it on the plane. It's one of my favourites.

DANNY
One of mine too. Strong and yet super absorbent.

GERALD HOLDS UP THE COMIC. IT IS LOOKING RATHER THIN.

DANNY
Sorry about that, guys. Okay, my turn? I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...

BARRY
F.

DANNY
Hey, it's...

BARRY
F for finished.

PHILLIP
Finito.

ALAN
Finale.

DOUGIE
Fucked.

GERALD
Through.

THEY ALL LOOK AT GERALD. HE GIVES A CHEESY GRIN.

BARRY
I swear she's got an I.Q. lower than Tom Cruise's sperm count.

PHILLIP
Touche.

DOUGIE
And room enough between her ears for a handbag.

DANNY
The only reason God gave her ears was so her legs wouldn't go all the way back.

GERALD
Is Tom Cruise gay?

THEY LOOK AT HIM

DANNY
Typical. Why do we always presume the most beautiful men in the world are gay?

THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN START CHANTING.

PHILLIP & BARRY
One of us! One of us!

PHILLIP
The whole world needs a role model. We just like to pick the pretty ones.

DOUGIE
In this case I think it's wishful thinking.

DANNY
And why not? It's about time we got a little of our own back anyway. When you put up with as much crap as we do then we deserve to have a little fun.

COLIN
You know what I think. I think maybe gay men should change their image.

DANNY
And how, pray tell?

COLIN
Well, for one thing we could stop calling each other women's names.

DANNY
You wanna know why gay guys call each other those names? To send ourselves up so we don't take things too seriously until we need to. And in any case they're girlie names, not women's. If some half-cocked feminist gets upset when a queen uses a girlie handle then she deserves all the aggro she gets. Tell 'em to lighten up, for Christ's sakes. There are worse things in this world.

COLIN
I was just saying...

DANNY
I know what you were saying. You're saying we should apologise for who we are.

COLIN
No, but I am saying if you put a t.v. camera on the street why is it twenty of the girliest and most revolting queens are going to throw themselves in front of it?

DANNY
We can't be responsible for everyone. Besides, that's just the media beat up.

COLIN
Funny. I thought it was a few queens who don’t have any idea what an embarrassment they are for the rest of us. No wonder they get bashed.

THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.

DANNY
How fucking dare you!

COLIN
I didn't mean to...

DANNY
Have you ever been bashed? Have you?!

COLIN
No, but....

DANNY
But nothing! You open your big mouth and say these fucking things. When you've had it done to you then you can have an opinion. Look, bashing doesn't just come from creeps hiding in the bushes, you know. It happens all over the place. Sick little preachers who wouldn't know true Christianity if it rooted them with a crucifix. Brain dead homophobic Tasmanians sharing the same eyebrow and idiots who still think it's a preference. We also get bashed with every little smart arse comment or innuendo and every patronising line from the idiot who accepts their friend’s gayness as if they’ve got that right! Who gives a fuck if they accept us or not? But you want to know who the worst homophobe is? It’s the gutless little queen who doesn’t fight and stand up for his gay brothers and sisters. Maybe some queens deserve to be smacked in the mouth occasionally and to tell the truth I'd be first in line but not because they're gay.

EVERYONE LOOKS AWAY.

BARRY
Eloquently spoken, sweetheart. And you wonder why we're never invited to parties anymore.

COLIN
Maybe I should shut up.

DOUGIE
Maybe you should.

EVERYONE IS TENSE. PAUSE.

PHILLIP
Someone tell a fart joke, for Christ’s sakes.

BARRY
Well, let's face it. Straights have always been obsessed with what gay guys do in bed.

DOUGIE
They're just jealous because they think someone’s having a better time than they are.

DANNY
They think sex is what it's all about.

PHILLIP
I got news for you. Most queens think that's what it's all about.

DANNY
If they're so obsessed with what we do in bed tell them we fuck their heroes! That should shut them up.

DOUGIE
I just love a good “outing”.

PHILLIP
Outing, that's different. That's some little arsehole pointing the finger on someone who doesn't get the right of reply.

BARRY
Just let anyone try to "out" me.

THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.

PHILLIP
Beulah, there are as yet undiscovered tribes in the northern most highlands of New Guinea who could tell you were a blouse.

COLIN
Anyone want another potato?

DOUGIE
[SNEERING] I couldn't possibly.

ALAN
If I have one more I'm gonna throw up.

DANNY
Ah, beautiful people doing beautiful things.

DOUGIE
Someone should fill me in. Are we having fun yet?

PHILLIP
Park it, hag!

DOUGIE
Well, excuse me all over the place. [TURNING TO ALAN AND COLIN] So...guys...how's it going between you two? Have you named the day, yet?

ALAN
Back off, Dougie.

DOUGIE
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such a touchy showbiz subject. Maybe I'll just shut my mouth, huh?

DANNY
Why don't you?

DOUGIE
No, I don't think so. I'm here to enjoy myself.

PHILLIP
Then go find some funnel-webs to play with.

DOUGIE
Tell me, Colin. Is there anyone else in the group you wanna share pillow talk with?

COLIN
I think I might go for a walk. I need some air.

ALAN
I'll come with you.

ALAN GLARES AT DOUGIE AS HE FOLLOWS COLIN. BARRY, DANNY AND PHILLIP LOOK AT DOUGIE.

BARRY
[FROM "THE BAD SEED"] Rhoda!

PHILLIP
I'll say this much for you. When you make up your mind to be a schmuck you go all out, don't you?

DOUGIE
Oh, leave me alone.

DANNY
I'll bet you were a forceps birth!

BARRY
No way. She was born in a tube. What’s the matter? Mother roll on you when you were feeding?

DOUGIE
Get stuffed!

BARRY
Why do you have to be such a little bitch all the time?

DOUGIE
Really, it's just a hobby.

DANNY
Why can’t you be nice?

DOUGIE
Excuse me? You were just about ready to tear his throat out a moment ago.

DANNY
That’s different. That's politics.

PHILLIP
It really boils your potatoes, doesn't it?

DOUGIE
What?

PHILLIP
That Alan's seeing Colin now. You just can't let it go without being a dweeb.

DOUGIE
Oh, crap. What makes you think...

PHILLIP
Jesus Christ. You only went out with him for two weeks. There's no need to bleed from the eyeballs.

DOUGIE
That doesn't matter! He was mine. And Alan took him.

BARRY
"He's my boyfriend. No, he's mine!"

PHILLIP
He's not some fluffy toy, you know.

DANNY
Wanna bet?

PHILLIP
Get over it. It's becoming tiresome.

DOUGIE
When I'm good and ready.

DANNY
And in the meantime you make Alan feel like shit.

DOUGIE
I do not!

GERALD
Yes, you do.

DOUGIE
Stay out of this, twerp!

PHILLIP
Every time we go out you make little comments about Colin. You think that's not gonna upset him?

DOUGIE
I just think he should know what he's getting himself into, that's all. I don't trust Colin for a minute.

BARRY
Why? What's he ever done to you?

DANNY
He dumped him, that's all. The ultimate crime.

DOUGIE
No, it's not that. It's just...

PHILLIP
Well, from now on you be nice.

DOUGIE
I'm always...

PHILLIP
I mean it!

DOUGIE
Alright, alright.

BARRY
And apologise to Colin when he comes back.

DOUGIE
Since when do I...

PHILLIP
Do it!

DOUGIE
[PAUSE] Oh-kay.

DOUGIE LOOKS AT GERALD WHO IS GRINNING.

DOUGIE
How would like me to push your face in the fire?

GERALD
I didn't say anything.

DOUGIE
And keep it that way.

DANNY
You know, Bevan says that sometimes we say hurtful things because it's easier than expressing our true feelings.

DOUGIE
I'm sorry. I thought I was expressing my true feelings. And who the fuck is Bevan?

PHILLIP
Their shrink.

DANNY
Our R.S.C.

PHILLIP
Same pig. Different wig.

DOUGIE
Well, you tell Bevan to shut the fuck up and all. And while we're at it don't tell me how to run my life. You're the last two people to be giving advice about anything.

PHILLIP
Let's just drop it, okay?

DANNY
No, wait. What do you mean by that, you little smart-arse?

DOUGIE
Nothing.

DANNY
God, you’re such a little prick.

PHILLIP
I said drop it!

THEY ALL PAUSE. DOUGIE TURNS TO GERALD.

DOUGIE
So, Mr Potato Head. How's it hanging?

THE OTHERS LOOK UP WAITING FOR GERALD'S REACTION.

GERALD
What?

DOUGIE
Read any good books lately? Seen any movies? Appeared in any magazines with no clothes on?

GERALD LOOKS STARTLED. HE JUMPS UP AND WALKS OFF.

GERALD
I gotta take a walk.

DOUGIE IS QUITE PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. HE LOOKS AT THE OTHERS. THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

DOUGIE
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
 

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE FOUR

ALAN IS SITTING ALONE, SLIGHTLY AWAY FROM THE TENTS POKING THE FIRE WITH A STICK. PHILLIP ENTERS.

PHILLIP
Hi.

ALAN
Hi, yourself.

PHILLIP
Having a good time?

ALAN LOOKS AT HIM.

PHILLIP
Don't answer that. I know. Dorothy doesn't mean everything she says, you know.

ALAN
I know.

PHILLIP
She's just got a few wheels in the sand at the moment.

ALAN
I understand. Where is everyone?

PHILLIP
Having a midnight skinny dip.

ALAN
You're kidding.

PHILLIP
Yes I am. Can you imagine that lot naked together? They don't mind flashing their willies at complete strangers but in front of each other they just about turn into nuns.

ALAN
Was Gerald with them?

PHILLIP
Nope. Last I saw he was sitting up a tree.

ALAN
Doing what?

PHILLIP
God knows. Where's Colin?

ALAN
Uh...

PHILLIP
Forget I asked. God, it’s a lovely night. [HE LOOKS AT ALAN] Is everything okay?

ALAN
What? Oh, sure.

PHILLIP
What's the matter?

ALAN
He wants to move in with me.

PHILLIP
Yeah? Well, that's one for the books. I didn't know it was that serious.

ALAN
Neither did I. I mean, we’ve only just started sleeping together.

PHILLIP
Really?

ALAN
Uh-huh.

PHILLIP
How was it?

ALAN
You know me. I never kiss and tell.

PHILLIP
How about bang and blab? Tell me, bitch, or I’m gonna sick Dorothy on you again.

ALAN
Uh...it was...it was good. [LAUGHING] Really good, actually.

PHILLIP
I hate you.

ALAN
Mind you, I haven’t been with anyone since Michael so anything’s a plus. I was beginning to think I was getting past my use by date.

PHILLIP
Ah, it's just like riding a bicycle. [BEAT] With the seat off.

ALAN
So what am I supposed to do?

PHILLIP
I seem to remember we had a gentlemen's agreement. I agreed to stop giving advice and you agreed to join the planet Earth.

ALAN
Well...just don't make it sound like advice.

PHILLIP
You’re such a wimp. Okay. Do you like him?

ALAN
Very much. Do you think it's too soon?

PHILLIP
You’re the only one who can answer that.

ALAN
I suppose.

PHILLIP
You still want my advice?

ALAN
I’ve uncorked you. Let’s finish the bottle.

PHILLIP
You’re not just thinking with your dick?

ALAN
No.

PHILLIP
Then follow your heart. That's all you can do.

ALAN LOOKS AT HIM THEN STARTS SHAKING HIM BY THE ARMS.

ALAN
Oh my God. Who are you? What have you done with Phillip?

PHILLIP SHAKES HIM OFF.

ALAN
You’ve become very wise in your dotage.

PHILLIP
I’ve had to. It was the day I realised all my friends were either total bitches or complete morons.

ALAN
Must have been a revelation.

PHILLIP
I'd had my suspicions for years.

COLIN ENTERS. PHILLIP GETS UP. HE TOUCHES ALAN ON THE FOREHEAD BETWEEN THE EYES.

PHILLIP
[FROM E.T.] Beee...goood. [HE SMILES AT COLIN] I think I'll go tie some weights around Dorothy's ankles. I love watching her flap about.

HE EXITS

ALAN
You okay?

COLIN
Yep.

ALAN
Good. Listen, I'm sorry about this weekend. "We's a lotta strung out queens."

COLIN
No, no. It's okay. I'm actually enjoying myself.

ALAN
Yeah?

COLIN
Well, almost.

ALAN
Good. Um, about moving in...

COLIN
Yeah?

ALAN
Uh...if you want, you can bring your things over this week.

COLIN
Yeah? That’s great.

ALAN
Just...don’t expect too much, okay?

COLIN
Don’t worry. I won’t.

ALAN
Oh, thanks a bunch.

ALAN GETS UP.

ALAN
Well, uh, that’s settled then. Good. I guess you’ll need a key. Yeah, a key would be good.

COLIN LEANS IN AND IS ABOUT TO KISS HIM WHEN A NOISE COMES FROM BEHIND THEM. THE REST OF THE GROUP ENTERS. THEY ARE SUPPORTING DOUGIE. ALL ARE SOAKING WET.

ALAN
What's the matter?

BARRY
The dumb bitch banged her head.

PHILLIP
She was doing her Esther Williams/Shelley Winters Poseidon Adventure thing again and backstroked into a rock.

DOUGIE
I'm okay.

DANNY
Shut up, you stupid dwarf. You don't know what you're saying. You could have concussion or something.

PHILLIP
If she hasn't now I'll be glad to give it to her. Frightening us like that.

DOUGIE
Let go of me.

PHILLIP
You'd do anything to get out of it.

BARRY
You're so lucky. You could've been paralysed from the neck down.

DANNY
I hear she roots like she's paralysed from the ankles up!

BARRY
That'll teach you to fuck around in the dark.

PHILLIP
Like she's never done that before.

DANNY
Are you okay now?

DOUGIE
Don't touch me or I'll kill you.

BARRY
Yep. She's okay. Alright, Dorothy. We're waiting.

DOUGIE
Give me a second to catch my breath, why don't you? I've just had a near death experience.

PHILLIP
If you don't hurry up you'll get the chance to repeat the exercise.

DOUGIE
Alright, already.

THEY PROD HIM IN THE BACK AS HE FACES COLIN AND ALAN.

DOUGIE
Colin, Alan. I'm sorry for being insensitive earlier on.

THEY PROD HIM AGAIN

DANNY
And...

DOUGIE
And...I promise it won't happen again, may the bank reclaim my Amex card, so help me God.

BARRY
There wasn't any real warmth in it.

DANNY
Hilda hypocrite!

ALAN
Thanks.

COLIN
That’s okay.

DOUGIE
Can I go now?

PHILLIP
Please.

ALAN
We’ve got some news as well. Er...Colin’s going to move in with me.

THEY ARE ALL IN SHOCK. DOUGIE SHRIEKS AND COLLAPSES INTO BARRY & DANNY'S ARMS.

DOUGIE
You should’ve let me drown.

PHILLIP
Don’t worry. Next time we will.

GERALD RUSHES ON

GERALD
I just...

DANNY
Geraldine?

GERALD
[BLURTING IT OUT] I just want to say that...I posed for some photos a while ago because this guy got me drunk and I didn't know what I was doing and I'm not proud of it!

THE OTHERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN AT HIM.

BARRY & DANNY
Well...duh!
 

BLACKOUT
 
 

SCENE FIVE

ALAN, DOUGIE AND COLIN ARE ASLEEP IN THEIR TENTS. PHILLIP, GERALD, BARRY AND DANNY SIT AROUND THE FIRE, SMOKING A JOINT. THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE OCCASIONAL COUGHING CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM ONE OF THE TENTS.

BARRY
What the hell were you thinking?

GERALD
I told you. I was drunk.

DANNY
Not that drunk. Otherwise it would have been Mr Floppy, wouldn't it?

BARRY
And let's face it. You had the evidence in hand, so to speak.

GERALD
I'd completely forgotten about it. Then this magazine just turns up on my door step last week. How was I supposed to know he had a camera? I was lucky I found my way to the bed. He just told me what to do and I did it. I wondered why there was hay bale in the bedroom. And I thought he was so cute, too.

PHILLIP
What's that got to do with anything?

GERALD
Oh, leave me alone. I'm going to bed.

GERALD GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE TENT. BARRY AND PHILLIP LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN GIVE EACH OTHER A HIGH FIVE.

DANNY
You know, Bevan says sometimes subconsciously we use alcohol as an alibi to do things we might otherwise be ashamed of.

PHILLIP
Bravo, Bevan.

BARRY
It's amazing how you always bring Bevan into our conversations. If I didn't know better I'd swear you were having an affair with him.

DANNY
Ha. Where did you get that idea from?

BARRY
Nowhere. I was just saying if I didn't know.....

DANNY LOOKS AWAY.

BARRY
Wait a minute. You are having an affair with him.

DANNY
What? No, I’m not. God, will you look at all those stars...

BARRY
You are. You are. I can't believe it. I was only bluffing but...

DANNY
I never said I was sleeping with him.

BARRY
But it's true, isn't it?

DANNY
I...

BARRY
Yes, or no?

DANNY
Uh...yes.

BARRY
Oh for crying out loud. How could you go and do that?

DANNY
You said we should try other people.

BARRY
I said other people. Not him!

DANNY
What?

BARRY
Not people we know.

DANNY
What difference does it make?

BARRY
It makes a lot of difference.

DANNY
Well, it shouldn't.

BARRY
I'm sorry but it does.

DANNY
We both agreed that we could have sex with other people.

BARRY
Together! You did it behind my back. The one thing I thought we agreed on was fidelity.

DANNY
While still sleeping with other people? That doesn't make sense.

BARRY
It doesn't have to make sense. There weren’t supposed to be any secrets. What a jerk I've been. When did it happen?

DANNY
You mean how long has it been going…

BARRY
What do you mean "going on"? I thought it was only once. You're having an affair with our marriage guidance counsellor?

DANNY
R.S.C.

BARRY
Shut up!

DANNY
Fine.

BARRY STANDS THERE SHAKING FOR A MOMENT. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

BARRY
I can't believe I'm doing this.

HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND DANNY AND NESTLES HIS HEAD AGAINST HIS SHOULDER. DANNY LOOKS OVER BARRY'S SHOULDER TO PHILLIP, ASTONISHED.

DANNY
What? You mean you forgive me?

BARRY
I...guess. I must be the most stupid person in the world but I don’t think it’s worth it breaking up over this, do you? There are plenty of worse things that you could have done and I just can’t imagine being without you. Besides, it's partly my fault anyway for not making my position clear. Is it all over with Bevan?

DANNY
Well, yeah.

BARRY
Good. Do you think we can start again?

DANNY
Sure. Okay.

BARRY
Good.

DANNY IS DAZED.

DANNY
I think I'll take a walk before I turn in. Today’s been a little too eventful.

HE WALKS OFF. BARRY TURNS TO LOOK AT PHILLIP. PHILLIP WATCHES AS BARRY SITS ON THE SLEEPING BAG.

PHILLIP
[AFTER A LONG PAUSE] You're sleeping with him, aren't you?

BARRY
Who? Bevan? Of course I am. Well, actually we're speaking in the past tense. Slept. But Danny doesn't have to know that.

PHILLIP
You fucking hypocrite.

BARRY
What? Did I ever say that I wasn't sleeping with Bevan.

PHILLIP
No. But you never said you were either.

BARRY
If I had been asked I wouldn't deny it. I knew they'd been together. But you see, unlike Danny I know when to keep my big mouth shut.

PHILLIP
Don't you think that maybe that's a little bit unfair?

BARRY
Hey, I didn't sleep with Bevan until after I found out they'd already been humping. He was the one to suggest we try other partners in the first place. I figure as long as I know who it is and get equal time then he's not really doing it behind my back and it isn't really cheating. And there is the pay-off of course.

PHILLIP
Pay-off?

BARRY
Uh-huh. Right now he's thinking how wonderfully forgiving I am. He's also gonna think twice before doing anything like it again because he knows he has done me wrong. I didn’t realise what an easy lay Bevan was. "I have seen the enemy and it has flabby thighs."

PHILLIP
And you're not going to tell him.

BARRY
Not if I don't have to. [PAUSE] You knew about him and Bevan though. Didn't you?

PHILLIP
Nope. Not a bit.

BARRY
Mm. I wonder.

PHILLIP
God, this is getting complicated.

BARRY
Life's like that. One minute you're on top of the world. The next you're on top of a bonnet.

PHILLIP
Pre-xactly [sic].

DOUGIE'S VOICE COMES FROM OUT OF THE TENT.

DOUGIE
[OFF] Will you two shut the hell up! [THERE IS THE SOUND OF SOMEONE BREAKING WIND IN THE TENT] Geraldine!
 

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE SIX

THE GROUP ENTER AFTER HAVING ANOTHER SWIM. DOUGIE IS COUGHING SLIGHTLY AND LOOKING PALE.

DOUGIE
I don't think I'll be going in the water anymore. I'm starting to wrinkle like a prune.

BARRY
As opposed to...

DANNY
So, what was he like?

PHILLIP
Who? My date? My God, you don't want to know.

BARRY
Au-contraire, lesser mortal. Tell us all.

ALAN
Is this the guy we met in the bookshop last week? The one with the moustache and the hairy chest?

PHILLIP
Yep.

DANNY
Fancy picking someone up in a bookshop. If that isn't cheap and tawdry then...

PHILLIP
Hey, he picked me up. Okay?! Besides, I don't get to meet many guys these days.

BARRY
Since the council condemned his local amenities block.

PHILLIP
I've been going to that beat since I was a teenager.

DANNY
Was it that old? It probably fell down from natural erosion.

GERALD
Was he good looking?

PHILLIP
Who?

GERALD
The guy in the bookshop.

ALAN
Very.

PHILLIP
Yeah well, looks can be deceiving.

GERALD
Why? What did he do?

PHILLIP
He wanted me to sit on the edge of the bed and watch him shave.

GERALD
Oh, that's a pity. I like moustaches and I just love hairy chests.

BARRY
I don't think he's talking about moustaches or his chest.

GERALD
Then what?

PHILLIP
Everything but.

GERALD
Oh. Baldy blobs?

PHILLIP
Exactly.

GERALD
Oh boy.

PHILLIP
Why don't people just have normal sex any more? None of this colour coordinated hankie type stuff. Just go straight for the missionary position and wake me when the headboard stops wobbling.

BARRY
I know so many queens who set off metal detectors at airports it isn't funny.

GERALD
Imagine if you were into spanking and you had one of those lights that turn off and on when you clap your hands. It would look like a disco when you had sex, wouldn't it?

THEY LOOK AT HIM.

BARRY
Sometimes, Geraldine, you really frighten me.

DANNY
Well I for one am sick and tired of this safe sex crap. I hate condoms. It's like tap dancing in diving boots.

BARRY
We do it to stay alive, idiot.

DANNY
I know why we do it. I just hate it, that's all.

PHILLIP
You know, I know this one guy who was so happy he got a negative result that he ran straight out of the clinic and got knocked down by a truck.

BARRY
That's terrible. Is she dead?

PHILLIP
No, but it slowed the bitch down. Nobody should get that cocky.

GERALD
I hear wanking parties are pretty good.

BARRY
Only if they've got central heating.

THEY LOOK AT HIM.

BARRY
Er...I'm told.

ALAN
Are you okay, Dougie? You're looking a little white.

DOUGIE
I'm okay. Can we change the subject?

DANNY
Just as it's getting interesting. What time are we leaving?

BARRY
In a couple of hours, I guess.

DANNY
Dorothy, what's that on your back?

DOUGIE
What are you talking about?

DANNY
There's a leech on your back or something.

PHILLIP
Dorothy, get off that leech!

DANNY
No it's not. Sorry. There's something there. A bruise or something. Right there in the small of your back.

DOUGIE
No, there's not. I can't see any mark.

DANNY
But there is...

DOUGIE
Just forget about it okay!

HE RUSHES TO PUT ON HIS T-SHIRT AND WALKS OFF.

BARRY
Shut up, Danny.

DANNY
What's his problem? I was just...

BARRY
For fuck's sake, shut up!

BARRY, ALAN AND PHILLIP LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE SEVEN

BARRY, ALAN AND PHILLIP ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE TENTS.

BARRY
This is your fault, Phyllis. You should never have asked him along.

PHILLIP
Don't you dare blame me. I didn’t know he was ill.

ALAN
We'll just wait till Danny and the others get back. They might have found him.

DOUGIE STAGGERS ON, COUGHING AND VERY SHORT OF BREATH.

PHILLIP
Dougie?

THEY MOVE TOWARDS HIM BUT HE BACKS AWAY.

DOUGIE
I'm okay.

PHILLIP
What's wrong?

DOUGIE
I guess this weekend got a bit much for me. I'm sorry I worried you. I've been a bit of a pain, I know. I wanted to have a good time in spite of everything.

ALAN MOVES TO HIM AS HE SINKS TO THE GROUND. ALAN CATCHES HIM. GERALD, COLIN AND DANNY RUSH ON. PHILLIP GESTURES FOR THEM TO STAND BACK

DOUGIE
Aw shit. My chest hurts. This is all I need. Stumbling around in the bush, hacking my guts up. It's like I'm in some fucking movie I didn't get to choose.

GERALD
What movie? What's he talking about?

BARRY
Don't go completely American on us, Dorothy.

ALAN
Dougie, please....

DOUGIE PUSHES THEM ALL AWAY AND STANDS BACK, REELING AND COUGHING.

DOUGIE
One line. That’s all I had and it doesn’t look like I’ll even get to do that. One lousy line.

GERALD
One line?

DOUGIE
You wanna know what really frightens the kaka out of me? I keep thinking about those people you see on the trains nodding off. They're always in the seat facing you. They fall asleep and there's this stalactite of drool edging it’s way out their mouth, making its way towards their shirt. You're watching and praying it won't fall but like everyone else in the carriage you wanna see it happen. You wanna see someone else take the fall.

PHILLIP
What are you talking about?

DOUGIE
It's called fucking up! Pretty soon I'm gonna look down and there's gonna be a big wet patch on the shirt front of my entire fucking existence.

HE GRABS THE SIDE OF ONE OF THE TENTS TO STEADY HIMSELF.

PHILLIP
Dougie?

DOUGIE
I'm sick, okay! Is that what you want to hear? Maybe now you'll shut up.

DANNY
What?

DOUGIE
I've been sick for months but no-one ever noticed. You were all beside yourselves when Michael and Leslie got sick. Or one of the thousands jumping off the twig. You never noticed what I was going through.

PHILLIP
Dougie, we didn't know.

DOUGIE
I don't care! We’re all supposed to be so close. You should've been able to see. [TO ALAN] You wondered why I stayed away when Michael was in hospital? You think I want to see how it's gonna be for me? That isn't the way I want to go. I want to die in a car accident or something. I don't want to be one of those fucking obituary boxes taking up a tiny bit of space in some gay rag every fortnight. Everyone looks at those pages to see who’s dead and then they can say "Oh, I knew him." Well, I don't want that! I wish someone would just blow my fucking brains out because I swear if I had just an ounce of courage I'd do it myself. I don't wanna be remembered. I want to be alive. But...if I can’t stop it then I want people to know me for who I was on the inside. Not some nelly little queen. I deserve more! [SOBBING] One lousy line. That’s all I wanted. Phillip...don't let me die in some fucking hospital with all the others. I'm better than that.

PHILLIP
Ssh. Ssh. It's alright. [PAUSE] What do you want us to do?

DOUGIE
Just...take me home.
 

FADE TO BLACK
 
 

ACT TWO
 

SCENE ONE
 

THREE FIGURES DRESSED IN BLACK ARE FACED UPSTAGE, THEIR HEADS BOWED. THERE IS THE SOUND OF A CAR HORN. THEY TURN AROUND, PASSING A JOINT BACK AND FORTH.

DANNY
Are you sure we should be doing this?

BARRY
Doing what?

DANNY
This. I mean, it is a cremation after all.

BARRY
So?

PHILLIP
So she thinks the only person smoking today should be Dougie.

GERALD RUNS ON STAGE DRESSED IN HIS AIRLINE UNIFORM. THE OTHERS LOOK AT HIM.

DANNY
[TAKING A DRAG AND SPEAKING IN FALSETTO] Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

THEY SMOKE SOME MORE.

BARRY
Who cares? She's still just a witch.

GERALD
Am I too late?

BARRY
Yes, he's dead.

THE OTHERS LOOK AT BARRY.

GERALD
No, I mean, is the service over? I couldn't get a taxi. One of the busiest airports in the world and there's no fucking taxis when you want one.

BARRY
This is a funeral service. Watch your language. [BEAT] Arsehole.

PHILLIP
Not yet.

GERALD
Not yet, what?

PHILLIP
Not yet. The service hasn't started yet.

DANNY
Are we going out for a drink after?

BARRY
Sure, why not? Then perhaps dinner and we could take in a show.

DANNY
Putz.

PHILLIP
I think maybe a drink would be good.

DANNY
Good to see you're at least dressed for the occasion, Geraldine.

PHILLIP
Look, Dorothy's not going to care. Why should we?

BARRY
Ah. The motto for the nineties.

DANNY
Don't try to be deep, Beulah. You'll get crow's feet.

PHILLIP
Shit, I hate these things.

DANNY
You're not supposed to enjoy them, pet. Otherwise everyone would be doing it.

PHILLIP
I do it far too often.

BARRY
Has anyone spoken to the family?

PHILLIP
Who’s family?

BARRY
Dougie’s of course.

PHILLIP
He has a family?

DANNY
In spite of my theory about aliens, yes he did. I found their number in the back of his phone book. [THEY LOOK AT HIM] Well, I had to let them know didn’t I? They said they’d come up from Burnie for the funeral. I arranged for his brother to meet us at Dougie’s flat this morning.

PHILLIP
He had a brother?

BARRY
Two, apparently. They’re over there.

DANNY
Yeah but when I went to meet them they’d already been through the place and cleaned it out. Everything that wasn't nailed down they took. Seems they came down a day early and got a spare key from the real estate agent. Said they were the grieving family and they needed to collect some of his belongings.

PHILLIP
But he hasn't seen his family in over 12 years. From what I understood they threw him out.

BARRY
Very Tasmanian, I must say.

DANNY
The only thing they left were a pile of photos.

PHILLIP
Of what?

BARRY & DANNY
Us.