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Copyright © Steven Dawson 1992.

A earlier version of The Night My Boyfriend Turned Into An Idiot
was first performed at the Crossroads Theatre, Sydney in February 1993
with the following cast:
 
 

Tim	Peter Bodnar
Craig/Ed	Michael Butcher
Old Man	Steven Dawson
Directed by	Steven Dawson
Ast. Director	Alex Galeazzi
Designer	Terry Ryan
Lighting Designer	Pene Quarry
Stage Manager	Stephanie Dawes

This version presented by Silly Twisted Boys was first performed
at the Napier Street Theatre, Melbourne on November 30th, 1994
with the following cast:
 

Tim	Tom Healey
Ed	Iain Murton
Craig	Michael Butcher
Directed by	Steven Dawson
Stage Manager	Stephanie Dawes

THE NIGHT MY BOYFRIEND TURNED INTO AN IDIOT
 
 

AN OPEN STAGE. SCENE CHANGES ARE ACCOMPANIED BY MUSIC FROM 50-60’s GIRL GROUPS.

Song: “I’m In Love With A Wonderful Guy.”

SCENE ONE

TIM FACES THE AUDIENCE

TIM
Okay, so sometimes you don't see it coming. It kinda creeps up on you when you're least expecting it at a time when you definitely don't need it. You're out at the bars or a friend's party. You spot someone or sometimes you don't even notice them until they're pushing a fresh drink in your hand saying "Are you having a good time? I hate it here, don't you? What's your name? Oh yeah?" You stand there for a few minutes then "What sort of work do you do? Me? Oh nothing really. Nuclear physicist. Nothing as exciting as your job with the council". You know there's some kind of sexual attraction. Actually you know there's some major sexual attraction. You're not going home with a schnauzer. Hopefully it's mutual. He's gorgeous. He's everything you've ever wanted, in a primeval, sweaty, sex kind of way. Of course you can't really say "I don't think I'll make it home to your place. How about we fuck on the floor right here?" You'd like to but you don't. You see, no matter what they say you're still out for one thing. Some call it romance. We professionals call it lowering the sperm count. You think to yourself, "Hey...he's tall, he's good-looking. He has a winning smile. What the hell's wrong with him? Why hasn't he got a boyfriend? Maybe he's a druggie. Or worse, he's got a small dick." You lower your eyes southwards all the while stirring the ice in your glass so you don't appear too conspicuous. One eye ventures 40 degrees, slightly cock-eyed, if you'll pardon the expression and you look across for any tell-tale signs in his 501's of suspect inadequacy or downright deformity. The results are pleasing to the eye so your gaze returns North. At about the same time as his, you discover. You blush and laugh. "Ha-ha-ha." He speaks. "Would you like to come home?" "Sure...but just for the coffee." Yeah...right. You arrive at his place. No sign of coffee. You know he’s gonna want to kiss you but you really need to brush your teeth. You don't have a brush so you excuse yourself to the bathroom and start sucking on the toothpaste tube, rubbing it onto your gums with your finger. You sashay back to him and he's already undressed so you have to do your "two-o'clock in the morning, I'm nearly pissed but I'll take my clothes off slowly and sensually" show. Just like Jeff Stryker does in that what-ever-it-is film that you can never remember the name of, as if it mattered because you're always dropping the remote in between freeze-framing, fast-forwarding, juggling the amyl and the lube during the best bits. You move to the bed in a hopefully not too relaxed state so he doesn't think he's gone to bed with some kind of limp dick and then you run the full gamut of your sexual talents. Five minutes later you move to your side of this particular bed. He's "okay" to "fabulous" in the cot only because you were absolutely "marvey" as well and let's face it.....inspired. While you're both lying there, post coital as it were, you start to look around the room and your eyes start to pick up on things here and there. The odd Barbra Streisand print you noticed in the loungeroom has, in the bedroom turned into a full blown homage to the super-shnozzed one. But you ignore that. Things could be worse. He could smoke in bed and burn you both to the lime green shag-pile. He shocks the life out of you by asking you if you want to stay the night. You get to like him a little better and a little longer in the morning. But you have to go. Can you exchange numbers? He probably doesn't call but a couple of nights later you run into him again in a chance meeting at the same bar or whatever and again he asks you home. Five casual chance meetings later you know you've been beached, hook, line and sinker. One minute you're humping your brains out, the next you're picking patterns for shelf paper together at Mitre 10. And then you’ve only got yourself to blame. Now someone's gonna have to tell me how you make yourself immune to falling in love. I guess it boils down to being either the emotional victim or the emotional hunter. But when it comes to l’amour, well, the final capture is never as exciting as the thrill of the hunt. Now that's my excuse for avoiding it. What's yours?

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE TWO
 

THE DISCO. TIM IS STANDING CENTRE STAGE. ED IS MAKING HIS WAY ACROSS THE DANCE FLOOR HOLDING DRINKS.

ED
Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry, sorry. [STOPS] What? Oh get fucked you stupid queen. Get a life. [HE CONTINUES MOVING ON] Here's your drink. I'm never going to the bar again. Everyone's a pig. I missed three songs I like. One even had a chorus.

TIM
Thanks pet. Now get out of my way. I'm cruising someone.

ED
Who?

TIM
Go away.

ED
No wait. Let me guess.

TIM
Oh, not again.

ED
The guy with the mesh shirt and no neck.

TIM
What guy?

ED
The one standing with his back to us. You never could resist a pretty face.

TIM
No, not that one.

ED
Then how about the one with his finger in his ear? No. My mistake. The finger belongs to the guy next to him...and I don't even think it's his finger. Ugh.

TIM
Will you shut your clacker for a second! You're putting me...Oh thank you very much. He's gone now. Are you happy? Once more you've ruined any chance of me getting a decent man to share my bed.

ED
Honey, for one thing you've had a different man every night this week and I daresay you probably didn't even make it to the bed. And another thing...the day you find anything decent here then fuck him quickly because the world is coming to an end.

TIM
Are you finished? If you must show your Wentworth Finishing School upbringing go do it in a nearby alley.

ED
And step over your body? No thank you.

CRAIG ENTERS AND WATCHES THEM. ED LOOKS AT CRAIG.

ED
Oh now this one is me. [FALSETTO] Yoo-hoo. Boy. You with the key. Boy.

TIM
Oh for chrissakes.

ED
Oh, sorry pet. [TO CRAIG - BUTCH] G'day darlin'. Wanna take me out back and smack me across the toilet seat?

CRAIG RUNS OFF.

TIM
I'm gonna smack you across the room if you don't shut up.

ED STARTS MOVING TO THE MUSIC.

TIM
What are you doing?

ED
Dancing. What's it look like I'm doing?

TIM
Well, stop it. You want everyone to think you're a queen?

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN BURST OUT LAUGHING. A POPULAR SONG COMES ON. THEY SHRIEK THEN MOVE ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR. THEY GET INTO THE DANCE, PULLING OUT THE AMYL BOTTLE, SENDING UP THE OTHER DANCERS, ED PULLS OUT A TAMBOURINE. TIM IS EMBARRASSED. IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ED IS PUSHED BY AN IMAGINARY PERSON AND GETS INTO AN PUSHING FIGHT UNTIL TIM PULLS HIM BACK. THEY RESUME DANCING. CRAIG RE-ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE SIDELINE AS TIM AND ED CONTINUE DANCING. HE FINALLY GATHERS UP HIS COURAGE AND MOVES CLOSER TO THE TWO OF THEM. HE DANCES RATHER BADLY AND THE OTHERS START TO NOTICE HIM. JUST AS HE WORKS UP THE COURAGE TO SPEAK TO TIM THE SONG FINISHES AND THE MUSIC CHANGES. THEY LOOK BORED AND GO BACK TO THEIR DRINKS. CRAIG MOVES BACK TO THE SIDELINES. ED NOTICES SOMEONE ELSE IN THE DISTANCE.

ED
Oops. There's something. Me go walkies. You stay.

TIM
What? Where are you going?

ED
Can't talk now. I'm in SRM.

TIM
SRM?

ED
Serious root mode. You know. Legs go up, eggs come down.

ED EXITS. TIM IS STANDING ALONE. CRAIG MOVES TOWARDS HIM THEN TURNS HIS BACK AS IF TO BUMP IN TO HIM ACCIDENTALLY. HE TRIPS AND FALLS FLAT AT TIM’S FEET. TIM HELPS HIM UP.

TIM
Are you okay?

CRAIG
Yeah...uh...the floor’s real slippery...sorry.

CRAIG TRIES TO SHOW HIM THE FLOOR IS SLIPPERY BUT HIS FOOT REFUSES TO SLIP.

TIM
It is?

CRAIG IS VERY EMBARRASSED. TIM STARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT. CRAIG LOOKS AT HIM AND FOR A MOMENT THEY JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER THEN BOTH LOOK AWAY. NEITHER CAN THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY.

CRAIG
Having a good time?

TIM
Yeah, pretty good. You?

CRAIG
Me what? Oh...yeah...it’s okay. There’s a lot of people aren’t there? I haven’t been out for a long time but it looks more crowded every time I come....here, I mean...to this club. Not that I come here often, I mean. Like I said. Actually I haven’t been here in about a year. It’s not that I don’t go out or nothing....

TIM
Hey! I was just making conversation.

CRAIG
What? Oh, right. Sorry.

THEY STAND STILL FOR A MOMENT THEN BOTH SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME.

BOTH
You come here very often?

THEY BOTH STOP

TIM
Sorry.

CRAIG
No, you go ahead.

TIM
I was...oh skip it. You must be new in town. I mean, I’ve never seen you here before.

CRAIG
Oh, you’re a regular?

TIM
Kinda. Every night except Jewish holidays.

CRAIG
You’re Jewish?

TIM
No.

CRAIG
Oh.

TIM
It’s quite busy here tonight. Normally there’s just a couple of trolls and the like but this time I suppose there must be a boat in or something because...

CRAIG
You want to come home with me?

TIM
You can hardly get to the bar and...what?

CRAIG
Do you want to come home with me?

TIM
I...uh...I’m here with someone. I can’t just go off and leave them, you know. I think that would be a bit rude, don’t you?

ED RUNS PAST CHASING SOMEONE WITH HIS TONGUE OUT.

ED
Hey sweetcheeks. Where are you going? Let me lick the glitter off your back! You selfish bastard!

HE EXITS. TIM TURNS TO CRAIG

TIM
Let's go.
 

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE THREE
 

TIM AND CRAIG FACE EACH OTHER. TIM IS LOOKING AROUND, TRYING TO REMAIN CALM. CRAIG IS NERVOUS, FUMBLING WITH HIS HOUSE KEYS.

CRAIG
Sorry about the mess. I wasn't expecting to bring someone home.

TIM
Oh, don't worry...I've seen...[HE LOOKS AROUND] It really is messy, isn't it? You live here by yourself or do you rent it out to gypsies?

CRAIG
I think gypsies might be neater. I don't have much time to clean up. I'm out of town a lot.

TIM
You're not with an airline, are you?

CRAIG
No. Why do you ask?

TIM
Nothing. [TO AUDIENCE] Just checking.

CRAIG
[CONFUSED] Oh, right. Would you like some coffee?

TIM
No not really.

CRAIG
How about a drink?

TIM
Sure. What do you have?

CRAIG
Er...actually I don't think there's anything here. I don’t really shop much either.

TIM
Then I'll skip the drink, thanks.

AWKWARD PAUSE.

CRAIG
Water?

TIM
No, thanks.

CRAIG
Why don't you have a seat?

TIM LOOKS AROUND. THERE ARE NO CHAIRS.

TIM
Maybe I'll stand. Thanks.

CRAIG
Look, I should be honest with you. I don't do this very often.

TIM
Well, so far you haven't done anything. Let's leave the apologies until we’re naked.

CRAIG
What? No, I mean, I don't bring people back too often.

TIM
Why? Do they keep stealing the furniture?

CRAIG
You know you're pretty funny.

TIM
Yeah, well, one night stands bring out the Noel Coward in me.

CRAIG
Oh...er...I didn't know that's what you wanted.

TIM
What? Noel Coward?

CRAIG
No. A one night stand.

TIM
What? What did you...

CRAIG
Sorry. Let's just forget it. Maybe I should take you back to the disco.

TIM
I don't underst...

CRAIG
It's still a bit early. You could still find someone.

TIM
Wait. Wait a minute. You want me to go?

CRAIG
No, I don't want you to go. But...that's not what I'm looking for. I don't want someone for one night. I thought you might...like me.

TIM
What? I do like you. In the brief five minutes we spent sharing a taxi I've come to have deep and lasting feelings for you.

CRAIG
You're having a joke again, aren't you?

TIM
Of course I'm having a joke, you schmuck! You've only just met me. What’s liking you got to do with anything. This is sex. We shouldn't be even having this conversation.

CRAIG
I'm sorry.

TIM
Why are you sorry?

CRAIG
I just thought I'd like to get to know you better. You know.

TIM
Why?!

CRAIG
How the hell should I know! I just thought it would be good that's all.

TIM
Are you sure you want to have this conversation?

CRAIG
No. Of course I don't. It's just...I better take you home.

TIM
No...wait. [PAUSE. TIM LOOKS AT HIM FOR A MOMENT THEN GIVES IN] Well...what sort of person are you? I mean, I don't know anything about you. You could be an axe murderer or a Mormon or something.

CRAIG
I'm not.

TIM
What? Axe murderer or Mormon?

CRAIG
Both.

TIM
And I have your word for that?

TIM SMILES AT HIM. CRAIG SMILES BACK.

CRAIG
Yeah.

TIM
Look, maybe you made a mistake. I should tell you. I'm not good at relationships. I've had four...

CRAIG
That's not many.

TIM
This year.

CRAIG
Oh.

TIM
So you can see I haven't got a great track record. Tell me why you thought it could be more than sex.

CRAIG
Because you looked so unhappy.

TIM
Yeah well there's a basis for starting a relationship.

CRAIG
I've seen you before, you know.

TIM
Oh, really? Where?

CRAIG
Oh, around.

TIM
Well, that's nice and specific. I guess it must've been me then.

CRAIG
You sure do talk a lot, you know.

TIM
So I've been told.

CRAIG
It doesn't bother me though. At least you've got something to say. So many people I know talk but they don’t say anything.

TIM
I haven't...[BEAT] Look, I know what you're trying to do.

CRAIG
What?

TIM
You're trying to "get to know me", aren't you? Don't deny it.

CRAIG
Sure. What's wrong with that?

TIM
Nothing if you're husband hunting. I'm not. I'm just after the sex!!

CRAIG
Sex ain't all there is.

TIM
It is if you haven't had it in weeks.

CRAIG
Try months.

TIM
I think I'd kill myself if [BEAT] You haven't had sex in months?

CRAIG
Not really.

TIM
What do you mean "Not really"? You've either had it or you haven't.

CRAIG
Then I guess I haven't.

TIM
If I don't have sex at least once a week I slap the cat. Why haven't you had it? What's wrong with you? You're gay, aren't you? Or are you doing research for a thesis or something?

CRAIG
No. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just not all that interested in sex.

TIM
Then why did you invite me home?

CRAIG
I told you. I just wanted to get to know you.

TIM
I think we're going in circles. Look, you're probably a nice person but I don't think this is any good for...

CRAIG
Why did you come home with me?

TIM
I told you. I thought there was sex in the air.

CRAIG
If it's that important we could do that too.

TIM
What "too"? That's all I thought was happening.

CRAIG
Do you have many one night stands?

TIM
I'm not gonna tell you the answer to that!

CRAIG
Have there been lots?

TIM
Persistent, aren't you?

CRAIG
I've been told that.

TIM
Well, since you ask, no. I don't go off with every person I meet.

CRAIG
You did tonight.

TIM
Yeah, well, you got me at a weak moment. I'd finished my drink.

CRAIG
Maybe you drink too much.

TIM
Maybe I do a lot of things too much.

CRAIG
I'm not criticising.

TIM
That's okay. You're probably right anyway. I better go.

CRAIG
You want me to take you home?

TIM
You got a car?

CRAIG
No.

TIM
Then how you gonna take me home?

CRAIG
We could get a taxi.

TIM
Then we'd end up at my place. What’s the point of that?

CRAIG
I just enjoyed sitting in the taxi with you coming here.

TIM
Oh, that's good. You’re not into sex but you give great taxi.

CRAIG
That's just about it.

TIM
Well I think you should really get to know a person before you use and abuse them. Bye

TIM GOES TO LEAVE. CRAIG GRABS HIS HAND.

CRAIG
Stay the night.

TIM
Why?

CRAIG
I like you.

TIM
You don’t know anything about me.

CRAIG
I think I know enough about you to want to get to know you better. I like talking to you.

TIM
Talking is easy. It's the other things that take a bit more work.

CRAIG
I'm a hard worker. Stay the night.

TIM
I can't. You want more.

CRAIG
I don't want more. I just want you.

TIM IS SWEPT AWAY FOR A MOMENT THEN TURNS TO HIM. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

TIM
Kiss me.

CRAIG
What?

TIM
We're gonna have to start somewhere. Usually I can tell from the way a person kisses if we're compatible. Kiss me.

CRAIG KISSES HIM LIGHTLY ON THE CHEEK.

I think we're gonna have big problems.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS COME UP ON CRAIG AND TIM STANDING WITH A SHEET COVERING THEM AND TUCKED UNDER THEIR ARMS

TIM
Well, still waters run deep. [TO AUDIENCE] It's always the quiet ones. [TO CRAIG] I thought you weren't into sex.

CRAIG
I'm not...that much.

TIM
You could've fooled me. How long was it?

CRAIG LOOKS SHOCKED

TIM
I mean, how long did it take?

CRAIG
[LOOKING AT HIS WATCH] Twenty minutes.

TIM
Twenty minutes? I think I may have broken my personal best?

CRAIG
You wanna go for a State record.

TIM
I'm not nineteen anymore.

CRAIG
You're only as young as you feel.

TIM
Yeah, I feel like I could have a heart attack.

CRAIG PULLS THE SHEET UP OVER THEIR HEADS.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP. BOTH HAVE THE SHEET UNDER THEIR ARMS AGAIN.

TIM
We should be getting up. How long have we been here?

CRAIG
[LOOKING AT HIS WATCH] Seven hours.

TIM
Jesus. It's almost night time again. I gotta go and feed my cat.

CRAIG SNUGGLES INTO HIM AND STARTS TO SINK BENEATH THE COVERS. TIM STARTS TO SQUIRM.

I never liked that cat anyway.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP. SAME AS BEFORE ONLY CRAIG IS FACING THE OTHER WAY WITH HIS EYES CLOSED.

TIM
We really should be getting up. This is ridiculous. I'm too old for this. It's a mistake. I have been in this bed for practically the whole weekend with someone I know nothing about. We've got nothing in common except maybe some interesting sex and conversation. You don't know what sort of person I am. I don't know what sort of person you are and besides all that, I can't believe I've talked so much in all my life. What do you think?

CRAIG SNORES. TIM LOOKS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE.

TIM
I deserve this.

BLACKOUT.

LIGHTS UP. SAME AS BEFORE. CRAIG IS EATING A SLICE OF PIZZA. TIM IS FACING THE OTHER WAY, ALMOST ASLEEP.

TIM
What's that smell?

HE TURNS TOWARDS CRAIG AS...

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE FOUR
 

TIM AND ED ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WITH COFFEE. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE WHILE ED GLARES AT TIM. TIM TRIES TO IGNORE HIM FOR AWHILE BUT IT IS HOPELESS. FINALLY...

TIM
What?! What?!

ED
Nothing. I said nothing.

TIM
Then what's wrong? Usually I can't get a word in.

ED
There's nothing wrong.

TIM
Great.

AFTER A LONG PAUSE ED EXPLODES.

ED
I just thought I was your best friend, that's all. There was a time when you told me everything. Even when I didn't want to hear about it you'd tell me what was going on in your life.

TIM
Oh please.

ED
But you've obviously got better things to do. But....that's okay. That's okay.

TIM
You didn't get a root last night, did you? That's why you're being a putz.

ED
I am not being a putz. I am just being concerned. That's what friends do, you know.

TIM
I see.

ED
But now that you mention it, no I did not get a root last night.

TIM
Why not?

ED
I couldn't remember my PIN number. And to top it all off I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up with my head at the other end of the bed. Now usually this can mean I was either taken up by aliens during the middle of the night or I was concerned for the where-abouts of my dearest and closest friend. As there are no suction marks over my body to suggest extra terrestrial activity I can only assume it was the latter.

TIM
You're good at this aren't you?

ED
So?

TIM
What?

ED
Are you going to tell me where you've been for the past two days? You haven't been home so I can only suspect foul play.

TIM
I've met someone.

ED
Oh, yes?

TIM
It's not serious.

ED
Well, duh.

TIM
It's not.

ED
Then what is it? Serious sex?

TIM
It ain't just sex either.

ED
Well, he sure as hell can't be seeing you for your mind so that's all it could be.

TIM
Give me some credit.

ED
What do I look like? A bank teller? Who is this person?

TIM
You don't know him.

ED
I know a lot of people. Try me.

TIM
His name's...er...

ED
I see.

TIM
I don't believe it. I can't remember his name. He only told me once when we first met. I guess there wasn't a reason for him to repeat it. God I hate that.

ED
You spend the whole weekend with this person doing God knows what to each other's bodies and you don't even remember his name?

TIM
I told you. He only said his name once.

ED
And do you remember your name? How many fingers am I holding up?

TIM
In a few seconds you won't have any to hold up.

ED
And are you going to see him again?

TIM
I doubt it.

ED
Why not?

TIM
Well, he didn't exactly give the impression his life revolved around my orbit.

ED
I see.

TIM
Craig.

ED
What?

TIM
That's his name.

ED
Craig? Mm. Sounds like a class act.

TIM
He's okay.

ED
And what does Craig do for a living?

TIM
He's a florist, I think.

ED
Oh, dear God.

TIM
No, wait. He's a landscape gardener. But he's got his own business.

ED
You mean he has his own mower? He's still just a florist.

TIM
You always were a snob.

ED
Well?

TIM
Well, what?

ED
Are you gonna tell me or do I have to beat it out of you?

TIM
Tell you what?

ED
What he was like?

TIM
I told you. He's a nice guy.

ED
I don't care about nice. I wanna know about the other stuff. What was he like? Is it bigger than a breadbox? Was there jaw-numbing foreplay or did you go straight for the missionary position? What?

TIM
I'm not gonna tell you.

ED
Oh, my god. You're in love. Don't deny it.

TIM
No, I'm not.

ED
Hah! I knew it! Leave you alone for five minutes and you're dating the broom closet.

TIM
Oh for chrissakes.

ED
Why do you always fall in love with the first person who's at faking orgasms than you?

TIM
Don't you talk. I swear I've seen some of your dates crouched on the corner tops of buildings covered in concrete.

ED
Hey, don't knock my choice in ugly men. It's a case of "They're always grateful and if they leave you, who gives a fuck!" You’re just making a fool of yourself again.

TIM
Hello. Anybody home? I just told you. I'm not in love with him. It was a just a couple of days together...

ED
Hah! I knew I couldn't trust you.

TIM
Oh, please.

ED
You're gonna be a jerk over this guy. I can see it. [DIFFERENT VOICES] Don't do it honey. "They're gonna laugh at you!" Click your heels, quickly and say after me. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home." "Stay out of the light, Carol-Ann." "Climb to the bottom" [SINGING] "There's got to be a morning after...."

TIM
Are you finished?

ED
I think so. I think I pulled a muscle.

TIM
You must be really close to your cycle. That was pretty much your whole routine.

ED
Forgive me. I know not what I done. When are you seeing him next?

TIM
I didn't say I was gonna see him again.

ED
Didn't you get his number?

TIM
No.

ED
Why not?

TIM
Because he didn't offer it to me.

ED
Oh well, that's a relief. I have quite enough drama in my life without worrying about you as well. [PAUSE THEN SUSPICIOUSLY] Wait a minute. You gave him your number, didn't you?

TIM
I....

ED
What have I told you? Haven't you learnt anything from me these past five years? Never, ever, on any occasion give your number to someone you've just met. That's what I've always said. And if they insist...give them mine.

TIM
He won't call anyway.

ED
Why not?

TIM
Because I told you. He didn't seem that interested when we parted.

ED
Well I hope you feigned indifference as well?

TIM
Too well, I guess. He hasn't called.

ED
Then why are we even having this conversation?

TIM
I'm not. You're having this conversation. I'm just here for when you need to take breaths.

ED
So what's the problem?

TIM
I didn't say there was a problem.

ED
Really?

TIM
Isn't it funny. You spend a few hours with someone, having a nice time with them then the whole reality thing starts crashing in on you and you realise it was just another one night stand. Or in this case a two night stand with all meals included. And then you find yourself missing them like they've been lovers for years.

ED
Oh, poor sweet ba-boo. Since when have you had a lover that lasted in the years category?

TIM
Okay, so I'm not known for long term relationships.

ED
Honey, I'm usually still sewing my bridesmaid frock when you're filing divorce papers!

TIM
I'm not that bad.

ED
Don't tell me you're thinking about getting hitched?

TIM
No. I just thought it would nice for a change to sleep with the same person night after night. You know...do things together.

ED
Well, that sure sounds like getting hitched.

TIM
Maybe I'm just sick of all these one nights stands.

ED
Wash your mouth out!

TIM
I think I must frighten people.

ED
At the moment you're frightening me. Stop it! Look, he hasn't called. That probably means he's not interested. Face it like the brave little Tonto you are. Be tough. Be strong. Forget him.

TIM
I can't.

ED
Or be like me. Next time you see him, scream and throw a drink at him. Never let social decorum get in the way of a good punch up. Cheers.

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE FIVE

AN ANSWERING MACHINE SITS ON A SMALL TABLE CENTRE STAGE. TAPE: TWO RINGS THEN BEEP.
 

Voice:
Hi...this is Tim. I can't come to the phone right now but if you'd like to leave your name, number and the time of your call then do it after the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Hi...it's me. Sorry, I haven't called you but I just found your number under the bed. Er...just ringing to say hi. I'll talk to you soon...Bye.

BEEP

Hi...again. I guess you must be out. I'll try and give you a call later. Bye.

BEEP

It's me again. Just rang to say hi........hi.

BEEP

Hi....I think I must be on a first name basis with your answering machine. Give me a call.

BEEP

Well, you still haven't returned my call. I'll try once more.

BEEP

[PAUSE] Well...it's obvious you don't wanna talk to me so I'll see you around.

BEEP

This is your last chance, you little bugger. Give me a call or I'm gonna kill myself. I'll speak to you sometime...

TIM RUSHES IN AND GRABS THE PHONE

TIM
Hello...hi. I just got in. What? No, I haven't been in. I'm sorry I haven't called you back but you didn't give me your damned number, did you? How have you been? That's good. Oh, I've been okay...

TIM SQUEALS AS THE LIGHTS FADE

SCENE SIX
 

CRAIG IS CARRYING IN SOME BOXES. TIM FOLLOWS SLOWLY BEHIND CARRYING A PILE OF LPs.

CRAIG
So I thought I'd put all my reference books in the spare room and you could maybe move your work out bench onto the balcony until you go back to working out. You are gonna start working out again, aren't you? I know there's a lot of boxes and everything. Should we store them somewhere? What about the back of the car space downstairs? Is that an option or are all your neighbours too anal? I know mine were. What about those records? They're a bit seventies, I know but they have sentimental value. I just about grew up on them. I think I even have a picture disc version of Sherbet's Howzat album. Are you okay? You've hardly said anything since the moving van left. What's the matter?

TIM
Nothing.

CRAIG
Are you sure?

TIM
Positive. [TO AUDIENCE] Oh, my god! What have I done? I must be crazy. I've let a stranger into my home. He's gonna destroy everything I've ever worked for. I'm not ready for this. He has all these books and everything. I can hardly get past the index of the telephone directory. He's gonna think I'm an idiot. What am I talking about? I am an idiot. I let someone I've only spent the past four weeks with move in with me.

CRAIG
[TO AUDIENCE] Five weeks.

TIM
What?

CRAIG
We've been together every night for the past five weeks. If you're gonna tell the story, tell it right.

TIM
That's right. Shatter the illusion. Go back to your books.

CRAIG
It was your idea I should move in.

TIM
What's the point of paying rent on an apartment when you're always here?

CRAIG
I thought you wanted me here.

TIM
I do want you here.

CRAIG
Then what's the problem?

TIM
There's no problem.

CRAIG
Well, you're sure acting like there's a problem.

TIM
It's okay. It's just...gonna take some getting use to. I've always lived alone, you know.

CRAIG
So you keep saying.
 

TIM
I didn't mean it like that.

CRAIG
We don't need to do this. I could still move back. It's not too late.

TIM
I want you here.

CRAIG
Yeah? Why? So you can keep an eye on me?

TIM
[HUGGING HIM] Yeah. Now shut up.

THEY EMBRACE AND KISS.

CRAIG
You know, we don't have to unpack now. There's no hurry. We could maybe....do the wild thing.

TIM
Do the wild thing?

CRAIG
You know. Rub lumpy bits.

TIM
You're sick.

CRAIG
Why not?

TIM
I didn't say no. I just said you're sick. And besides...for someone who wasn't that interested in sex when we first met you've certainly, if you'll pardon the expression, changed your position.

CRAIG
I didn't say I wasn't interested. I just wasn't after one night stands, that's all.

TIM
My mistake.

CRAIG
And besides, I like fooling around with you.

TIM
Fooling around?

CRAIG
You know what I mean. Don't send me up.

TIM
I said nothing.

CRAIG
Well, if you don't want to unpack or "fool around" then why don't we go out for a drink?

TIM
I don't think so.

CRAIG
Why not?

TIM
Because I don't want us to look like the newly married gay couples you see at the bars.

CRAIG
But we are a newly married gay couple.

TIM
That's besides the point.

CRAIG
Oh.

TIM
And if you think I'm worried about what other people will think then you're right!

CRAIG
Why all of a sudden do you care what people think?

TIM
I just don't want us to become one of those awful bar couples. You know what I'm talking about. The first couple of weeks out they're all over each other, pawing, groping and eyeing each other longingly. A few weeks later their eyes are wandering longingly all around the rest of the bar. A few weeks of groin-crunching sex then they start getting toe-ee. Then it's any excuse to have a fight and get out of the relationship. You know. Those quirky charming little things he used to do when you first met and so made you laugh. That cute little dimple in his cheek. It's only after you really get to know him those charming, quirky little things now make your skin crawl backwards and you want to smash his dimple in with a waffle iron.

CRAIG
Are you talking about us? Are you sick of me already?

TIM
No, of course I'm not. But that's what it's like out there. I thought the idea of having a lover is that you don't need to go out any more. You find things to do with each other at home. I don't say we should invest in crochet classes and do the crosswords but there's plenty for us to do together without having to resort to the bars.

CRAIG
So...your answer to my question is no, you don't want to go out for a drink?

TIM
I talk too much, don't I?

CRAIG
Er...

TIM
Someone should set fire to my soap box and watch me burn down to my hair gel.
 

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE SEVEN
 

THERE IS A SCREAM IN THE DARK THEN THE LIGHTS COME ON. TIM AND ED STAND IN SEPARATE SPOTS SPEAKING ON THE TELEPHONE. TIM IS READING A MAGAZINE AND EATING A CARROT STICK WITH THE PHONE UP TO HIS EAR.

ED
You did what!??

TIM
I let him to move in.

ED
Move in?! With you?

TIM
No, with my great Aunt Tillie! Of course with me.

ED
Are you mental!? Have you gone completely bonkers? Why do such a stupid thing without talking to me first?

TIM
Because I knew you'd be as calm as you are now. I knew how you'd react.

ED
I ain't that predictable. If I was, you'd be lying on the floor with a Splade set sticking out of your spinal column. Why did you let him move in?

TIM
I...don't know.

ED
Jesus. You're in it up to your bikini line, aren't you?

TIM
In what?

ED
You're really in love with the jerk.

TIM
I am not really in love. I just like him...a lot.

ED
Do you cook for him?

TIM
No. He cooks.

ED
Do you clean up after him.

TIM
I don't have to. He's very neat.

ED
Do you iron his clothes?

TIM
I...uh...I'd rather not say.

ED
Oh fabulous! And how long do you think this one will last?

TIM
What're you talking about? I don't know.

ED
Have you met his family? Is he from good stock? Where do you intend sending the children?

TIM
Oh shut up. Does it bother you so much him moving in with me?

ED
What makes you think it bothers me?

TIM
I’ll bet you’ve got that Medusa look on your face. The kind that sends Myers shop assistants crumbling to their knees.

ED
I have nothing of the kind. My face is as blank and empty as your heart. I just don't understand why you let him move in.

TIM
Well, I guess I must be in love with him, mustn't I?

ED
You don't know what love is.

TIM
I thought you'd be happy for me.

ED
Yes...I'm so happy. I've only seen you go through the same thing seven times in the past two years. Although, admittedly you've never been crazy enough to have one of them set up shop with you before. I know what you're like. This one will go just the same way as all the rest. And you wanna know why?

TIM
No but I have a feeling you're gonna tell me anyway.

ED
You’re incapable of making a commitment. You fall in love for a couple of weeks, you dump them or they dump you. Oh and then of course you beat them up when they won't talk to you.

TIM
I don't do that anymore. I don't beat anyone up.

ED
That's what you said three black and blue boyfriends ago.

TIM
I've gotten better. Really I have. Just...please don't let me kill again.

ED
Don't try to be cute. The trouble with you is you never see the bad things in a person. You don't read the tell-tale hints until they're hitting you over the head with a sledge-hammer and working their way through Europe on your American Express card.

TIM
Well, I won't make that mistake again.

ED
You forget who you're talking to. I know you better than you know your own underwear collection. You were the same when we went out. You haven't changed one bit in five years.

TIM IS SHOCKED

TIM
I never thought you'd bring that up again.

ED
Serious situations call for serious measures.

TIM
We never would've lasted anyway. You were such a selfish shit.

ED
I’m sure you’d like to think that. No, the main reason you and I broke up was because you can't handle emotional commitment.

TIM
That and the fact that you threw a Wedgewood dinner service at me.

ED
It fell out of my hands.

TIM
At forty miles an hour? Some fall. And don't tell me I lack emotional commitment. You’ve only ever had two boyfriends, you share a tiny flat with a dead canary and you're only three months older than me so don't think you're such an expert.

ED
Touch a raw nerve, did we? [PAUSE] Yeah well, I guess that's the trouble when we both come from the Jurassic period. Most of our kind died off in lava flows. We have to "turn" on each other.

TIM
Ain't it the truth.

PAUSE

ED
Are you really happy?

TIM
I think so.

ED
You don't know?

TIM
I'm happy. I'm happy.

ED
Then what do you need me for?

TIM
I want your blessing.

ED
You want a blessing, go talk to the Pope! You want a belt in the mouth you come see me.

TIM
And what about you? Are you happy?

ED
For you? Ecstatic. I hope you both die in pain. For me...life just goes on. [KATHERINE HEPBURN] Oh Lizzie, you're so unattractive. In any case this all just part of my glorious ten year plan?

TIM
Ten year plan?

ED
Uh-huh. If I ain’t married and settled down with Mr Right in ten years I’m gonna walk in and shoot up a McDonalds.

TIM
Well, you gotta find someone quick. [FALSETTO] We must prepare the way, for one day you will be queen.

ED
Mm. I just get the feeling life's passed me by.

TIM
Honey...life didn't just pass you by. It stepped on your head....in pumps.
 

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE EIGHT
 

TIM AND CRAIG, WEARING MATCHING SHORTS AND T-SHIRTS, ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR FACING EACH OTHER HOLDING TWO CHAMPAGNE GLASSES. THERE IS A SMALL CAKE WITH CANDLES IN IT.

CRAIG
Here's to you and me and six months together.

TIM
Fancy you remembering that.

CRAIG
I remember a lot of things.

TIM
I'm sure you do.

CRAIG
Are you still in love with me?

TIM
You know I am. How about you?

CRAIG
Yes, I'm still in love with me as well.

TIM
Cute.

CRAIG
The only reason you went out with me.

TIM
That and your humility.

CRAIG
Oh? I thought it was because I could do this.

CRAIG GRABS HIM, PUSHES HIM OVER AND SITS ON TOP OF TIM, TICKLING HIM. TIM IS YELPING AND LAUGHING.

TIM
Ah, you bastard.

CRAIG
Got you, you mongrel. Now I'll never let you go.

TIM
Sure. That's what you say to all the boys.

CRAIG
You know there's no-one else but you. You and the football team. But it's just the reserves. I'm not a slut.

TIM
Stop it. Let me up. Don't. I'll be sick.

CRAIG
Oh, that's right baby. Talk dirty to me.

TIM
Okay. Get off me, you fucking lunatic!

CRAIG
That's not quite what I had in mind.

TIM
I'm gonna smack you in the chops in a minute.

CRAIG
Sweet talker.

TIM
Let me up, you big lug.

TIM PINCHES CRAIG HARD. HE YELPS AND LETS TIM UP.

CRAIG
You wanna go out for a drink?

TIM
No.

CRAIG
Oh, I'm glad you thought about.

TIM
I don't wanna go out.

CRAIG
So, what are you saying? You don't wanna go out?

TIM
Read my lips. I don't want to go out.

CRAIG
Okay. We'll do what you want.

TIM
Now don't be like that. It's our anniversary....ish. I wanted to share an evening in with you. I've hardly seen you all week.

CRAIG
That'