THE WHITE ROSE

a play by steven dawson
 

Peter Edmonds & Moria Limberis from the 1999 Out Cast Theatre production.

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Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O. Box 445, Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone 61 2  9281 9622
Fax 61 2   9212 7100
raftos@raftos.com.au
 

Copyright © Steven Dawson 1992.

THE WHITE ROSE

First Performance
February 12th, 1992
Stables Theatre,
Sydney, Australia
 

Cast As Follows
 

Ben	Peter Bodnar
Hal	Martin Reefman
Angela	Gia Carides
Stavros/Nikkos	John Mandoukos
Yaya/Mrs Theolakis	Jill McKay
Lynn	Mary-Ann Vale
Director	John Bashford
Set & Costume Design	Terry Ryan
Lighting Design	Shane Stevens
Stage Manager/Operator	Kaarin Dombrowski

 
 

 THE WHITE ROSE

THE PLAY OPENS WITH THE ENTIRE CAST ENTERING THE STAGE AREA ONE BY ONE IN A TRADITIONAL GREEK DANCE DRESSED AS PEASANTS, PRIEST, FISHERMEN, ETC. THEN TURNING THE DANCE INTO A FRENZY AND DISTRIBUTING DEBRIS TO INDICATE A BUCKS PARTY FROM THE PREVIOUS NIGHT. BLACKOUT AS THE ACTORS DISAPPEAR OUT THE THREE DOORS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE TWO ACTORS PLAYING HAL AND BEN.

LIGHTS COME UP ON THE LOUNGE ROOM OF AN APARTMENT THE MORNING AFTER. GRIEG’S MORNING SUITE CAN BE HEARD COMPLETE WITH BIRD NOISES OFFSTAGE. UPSTAGE ARE THREE DOORS. THE FRONT DOOR IS CENTRE, TO IT’S LEFT, A DOOR LEADING INTO THE BEDROOM AND TO THE RIGHT LEADING INTO THE BATHROOM. LEFT OF THE DOORS IS A SMALL KITCHEN AREA WITH TWO CORDS ON THE WALL FOR BLINDS. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM IS A SOFA, NEXT TO IT A SMALL TELEPHONE TABLE. ON THE SOFA LAY TWO BODIES COVERED OVER BY A LARGE DOONA.

THE DOOR TO THE BEDROOM OPENS AND NIKKOS STAGGERS OUT. HE HEARS ONE OF THE FIGURES SNORING. HE LOOKS OVER THE SOFA; SEES HAL; SMILES AND IS ABOUT TO TOUCH HIS HAIR WHEN THE PHONE BY THE SOFA RINGS. HE FREEZES THEN NERVOUSLY GRABS SOME CLOTHES AND STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR SLAMMING IT SHUT. HAL SITS BOLT UPRIGHT. HE LOOKS AROUND WIDE-EYED THEN SLOWLY SINKS BACK ON THE SOFA. HE REALISES THE PHONE IS STILL RINGING AND TRIES TO GRAB IT WITHOUT HAVING TO GET UP. HE FAILS AND ALMOST FALLS OFF THE SOFA.

HAL
What?! Oh...good morning...[PAUSE. HE PICKS UP HIS WATCH FROM THE COFFEE TABLE] Good afternoon, then. [PAUSE] I’m not sure. Probably still asleep, I guess. [PAUSE] No...that’s okay. I’ll tell him... yes, I said I will. Bye.

HE HANGS THE PHONE UP AND COVERS HIS FACE WITH THE DOONA. THE OTHER BODY STIRS UNDER THE DOONA. HAL SLOWLY PULLS THE COVER TO REVEAL BEN HAVING AN EROTIC DREAM, CLUTCHING HAL’S FOOT SEDUCTIVELY AND GENTLY NIBBLING ON HAL’S TOES. HAL LOOKS OVER AT HIM.

HAL
If you’re gonna keep doing that, at least tell me you love me.

BEN’S EYES POP OPEN. HE LOOKS AT THE FOOT IN FRONT OF HIM THEN UP AT HAL WHO GIVES A SMILE AND A LITTLE WAVE.

BEN
[EXTREMELY HUNG OVER] I may cut my lips off.

HAL
Do that.

BEN
What are you doing here?

HAL
You mean on the couch with you playing tonsil hockey on my toes or what am I doing in general?

BEN
Hal, not this time of morning, please.

HAL
It’s afternoon. Not morning.

BEN
Thank you speaking clock. What time in the afternoon?

HAL
12.30 in the afternoon....daylight.

BEN
[CLUTCHING HIS HEAD] Jesus Christ!

HAL
Always the name dropper.

HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.

BEN
My head feels dreadful.

HAL
I’m not surprised.

BEN
I don’t even remember going to sleep.

HAL
You didn’t. You passed out.

BEN
How come I end up sleeping with you?

HAL
You got lucky.

BEN
[SUDDENLY HORRIFIED] Did we...you know...er..?

HAL
No, of course we didn’t.

BEN
Good. That’s a relief. Then why aren’t I in my bed?

HAL
I tried to throw you in bed but there was another limp little body already in there.

HAL IS SUDDENLY HORRIFIED

Oh my God!

HE RUNS TO THE BEDROOM DOOR AND LOOKS IN. RELIEVED, HE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA TO MAKE COFFEE.

BEN
What’s the matter?

HAL
[NERVOUSLY] Nothing. Why?

BEN
You look like you’re gonna have a cow.

HAL
I’m fine. Couldn’t be better.

HE STRETCHES TO SHOW HE IS OKAY AND ALMOST REELS OVER.

BEN
Great.

HAL
I think he’s gone.

BEN
Who?

HAL
The body in the bedroom.

BEN
Are you sure we didn’t do anything last night?

HAL
Ben, honey. Trust me. [LOOKING TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] I did not sleep with you  last night.

BEN
Well, thank God for that.

HAL
And thank you so much. Maybe it was a dream. I mean, I was a bit drunk.

BEN
What was a dream?

HAL
Nothing. Forget it.

BEN
I don’t even remember you coming to the party. When did you get here?

HAL
Well, everyone was pissed but I think it was just about the time you were wearing your underpants on the outside of your trousers...nice fashion statement...and two big guys were dancing to Zorba The Greek.

BEN
I don’t own any Zorba the Greek.

HAL
I think it was BYO.

BEN
That’d be right.

HAL
Interesting crowd you hang around with these days. I didn’t recognise a single face. And I could have sworn I was in the middle of a Bucks Night.

BEN
You were.

HAL
Right. Then who were those two jokers?

BEN
Stavros & Nikkos.

HAL
And who are Stavros and Nikkos when they’re not straining their olives?

BEN
Well....by 3.30 tomorrow afternoon they’ll be my brothers-in-law.

HAL
Your what?

BEN
I’m getting married.

HAL CHOKES ON HIS COFFEE. HE COMPOSES HIMSELF.

HAL
Uh-huh.

BEN
I was gonna tell you last night.

HAL
Really?

BEN
Honest...only I got smashed before you arrived. They all brought home-[Cont'd] made wine. You should’ve gotten here earlier.

HAL
Well don’t worry ‘cause now I’m way ahead of you. And who’s the lucky groom?

BEN
Me of course.

HAL
Then what’s the other groom’s name?

BEN
There ain’t no other groom. It’s a bride. And she’s a girl. [HAL GIVES HIM AN ODD LOOK] A real one.

HAL
Ben, sweetie, are you ready for a shock?

BEN
What?

HAL
You’re gay.

BEN
No I’m not.

HAL
No?

BEN
I’ve never said I was gay.

HAL
You never said you were a water buffalo either but some things we take for granted.

BEN
I’ve always considered myself bisexual.

HAL
Oh really?

BEN
Yep.

HAL
Okay. Well, let’s look at this. How many men have you had sex with in the past ten years?

BEN
A few.

HAL
What. A few hundred? A few thousand? A few small republics, perhaps? Give it a rough estimate. At least two hundred, okay?

BEN
I guess.

HAL
And how many women?

BEN
None.

HAL
Now don’t you think that would indicate a trend?

BEN
Give me some coffee.

HAL
And is it also safe to assume that I was the only person in the room last night who’s seen you dressed up like Maria Venuti......sober?

BEN
I’ve never done Venuti in my life. That’s your department. Callas yes, but Venuti...never!

HAL
My mistake. Must be the moustache.

BEN
But that’s all in the past. I’m always limiting myself. I need to broaden my horizons. Do other things.

HAL
Try developing a personality first. You’ve done some pretty dumb things in your time but this definitely rates a ten on the crap-ometer.

BEN
Maybe I just hadn’t met the right girl.

HAL
If she exists she must be tied up in a box in Iceland. Tell me, is this why you’ve been turning down every invitation from your friends for the past four months? And why you never return my calls? And why I never see you out?

BEN
I’ve been busy.

HAL
Like a rabid bunny, I bet. Who’s the lucky bride to be anyway?

BEN
You don’t know her.

HAL
Try me.

BEN
Angela. Her name’s Angela.

HAL
Let me guess. She’s Greek, right?

BEN
Yeah. Those guys last night? They’re her brothers and cousins. They throw the Bucks party. It’s kinda traditional.

HAL
Wait a minute. This isn’t the same Angela who works at your gym, is it?

BEN
[WORRIED] Oh...you know her, huh?

HAL
Of course I know her, you dork! I was the one who signed you into the club in the first place. I don’t believe it. She’s a dyke!

BEN
Don’t call her that.

HAL
It’s true. Amongst those nelly queens she’s the butchest thing there, although, that’s not too hard. Okay...let’s cut out the bullshit. What’s going on? What are you up to?

BEN
Nothing.

HAL
No?

BEN
We happen to be incredibly in love.

HAL
Meanwhile, back on planet Earth....

BEN
It’s the truth.

HAL
Where’s your wallet?

BEN
On the telephone table. Why?

HAL PICKS UP A PAIR OF SCISSORS, GOES TO THE TELEPHONE TABLE, PICKS UP HIS WALLET, LOOKS THROUGH IT AND TAKES OUT A CREDIT CARD.

BEN
What’s that?

HAL
Your American Express card. If I don’t start getting some answers soon I’m gonna hit you where you live.

BEN
Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You think that scares me?

HAL HOLDS THE SCISSORS AGAINST THE CARD. BEN SCREAMS.

HAL
Bingo!

BEN STARTS CHASING HIM AROUND THE SOFA.

BEN
You evil bastard. You’d do it too, wouldn’t you?

HAL
Does Ita Buttrose put an “s” in banana? Now, what’s the story?

BEN
I told you. I’m in love with her.

HAL HOLDS THE SCISSORS AGAINST THE CARD AGAIN. BEN SCREAMS AGAIN AND LUNGES FOR THE CARD BUT HAL ELUDES HIM.

BEN
Okay...I’m not in love with her. But she’s growing on me.

HAL
So’s mould but you don’t throw a veil on it and drag it down the aisle. Is she rich?

BEN
No, but her family is. Her brothers own a couple of wrecking yards on the North Shore. [HE STOPS RUNNING] But she doesn’t get a cent until she settles down and marries someone Greek. It was in her father’s will.

HAL
But you’re not Greek.

BEN
I know that.

HAL
You don’t even have a foreski....

BEN
[LUNGES FOR HIM AGAIN] I know that  as well!

HAL
Then why do they think you’re Greek?

BEN
Because I told them I was.

HAL
Why?

BEN
So I could marry Angela.

HAL
But why do you want to marry her?

BEN
For the presents!

HAL IS STUNNED. HE STOPS RUNNING. BEN GRABS THE SCISSORS AND CARD FROM HIM.

HAL
For the what?!

BEN
Haven’t you seen those Godfather movies with the big families? Whenever anyone gets married everyone gives presents. Microwaves, VCR’s, fridges and freezers...and that’s not all. They give out big envelopes stuffed with cash.

HAL
But they’re Italians.

BEN
Italians, Greeks; it’s all the same when someone gets married. Angela and me, we went to a Greek wedding. She needed a date and she couldn’t very well take along her girlfriend, could she? So she asked me. All these people were eating, drinking, giving presents and pinning money on the dress. It was incredible. I looked over at Angela. She had this glazed look in her eyes when they were passing over the dough and I knew she was thinking the same thing I was thinking.

HAL
I don’t believe this. You’ve gone completely crazy. I knew it was only a matter of time but now I think you’ve really flipped the big one.

BEN
What’s wrong? It’s perfect.

HAL
Perfect? It’s suicide. How much do you know about these people? They could be axe murderers for all you know. Ben, you’re gonna end up with concrete wedgies at the bottom of Parramatta River. Has it ever occurred to you the family might find out about you and Angina?

BEN
Angela...and how are they gonna find out? The only other person who knows is you.

HAL
Is that the reason you asked me to come along last night?

BEN
Kinda. I was gonna tell you anyway but there’s been a bit of a complication.

HAL
What kind of complication?

BEN
Well, when Angela told her family she was thinking of getting married, the mother threw a Linda Blair on the spot. She doesn’t want her daughter marrying some poor unworthy slob.

HAL
But you are a poor unworthy slob.

BEN
Well, thank you all over the place. I know that.

HAL
Then why’s she still letting the two of you get married?

BEN
Because with Greeks it doesn’t matter if you’re poor if you’re related to someone famous.

HAL
You’re not related to anyone famous.

BEN
Yeah, well, I told them I was.

HAL
Who?

BEN
Angela’s mother.

HAL
No. I mean who did you tell them you were related to?

BEN
I told them I was the cousin of...Nana Mouskouri.

HAL
[LAUGHING] Nana Mouskouri?

BEN
It’s the only famous Greek I could think of besides Demis Roussos and I hate him. [SMILING] I showed them that photo of you and me at last year’s Mardi Gras when you went as Nana.

HAL
Well that’s just dandy.

BEN
They went berserk.

HAL
I’m not surprised. I look better as Nana than Nana does.

BEN
I know you do. And you do her so well. They were ecstatic I could be related to such a big star. Especially when I told them she was coming to the wedding.

HAL
She’s coming to the wedding?

BEN
Of course not. Not yet.

HAL
What do you mean, not yet? [REALISES HE IS GOING TO BE NANA] Oh my god! You’re not serious. You couldn’t possibly be thinking what I think you’re thinking.

BEN
What’s wrong with it? Nothing’s gonna happen. They won’t suspect a thing.

HAL
Oh really?

BEN
You’d be perfect for it. You only have to appear for a few hours then make your apologies and escape.

HAL
Wait a minute. You are serious.

BEN
Of course I am.

HAL
No! Definitely not!

BEN
Why not? You’ve dressed up as Nana before.

HAL
Yeah, but not for such a public audience.

BEN
And I suppose walking past half a million people in pumps during Mardi Gras is being a recluse?

HAL
That’s different. They never get close enough to notice the big ankles and hairy knuckles.

BEN
You wouldn’t have to do it for very long.

HAL
Ben...No! There’s no way I’m getting myself killed just so you and your...fiancee can get your grubby paws on fraudulent funds. Besides, hasn’t Anthrax got any Greek girlfriends who can do it?

BEN
Angela, and that wouldn’t be any good. Her family know all her friends and they’ll be at the wedding.

HAL
Then why doesn’t Angola call it off? Say she’s not in love with you anymore or something.

BEN
Her name’s Angela and we can’t back out now. It’s all been paid for. If we call it off Nikkos and Stavros might pay me a midnight visit with a sledge hammer.

HAL
Well you’ve certainly gotten yourself into one tight little spot this time, haven’t you?

BEN
If you’re gonna lecture me....

HAL
And what happens if we get caught? Besides the kneecapping, I mean.

BEN
We won’t get caught. It’s fool-proof. And once the wedding’s over you can disappear.

HAL
That’s what I’m afraid of.

BEN
Please say you’ll do it.

HAL
Forget it.

BEN IS ABOUT TO PROTEST WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

HAL
Who’s that?

BEN
Probably Angela. I asked her to come over today. We need to go over a few more things before the wedding.

HAL
Like getting both your heads examined.

BEN
You get the door. I need to get changed.

HAL GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR. BEN DISAPPEARS INTO THE BEDROOM. HAL OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ANGELA ENTERS.

ANGELA
Harold...how are you? You look great. Even though you haven’t been coming to my classes since God was a boy, you tramp. So, has Benny told you about the two of us getting married? Isn’t it wonderful? Who’d’ve thought it, huh? I certainly wasn’t ready for marriage, I can tell you. But how can you dodge Cupid’s arrows when he’s aiming for an arse this size, I always say.

BEN COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM IN A DRESSING GOWN. SHE GRABS ON TO HIS ARM.

Now, I know you and Benny are the best of friends and I could just smack his cute little cheeks for not wanting to tell you straight away but when you’re madly in love you don’t ever think rationally, do you? But I know you’ll be happy for him....for both of us because that’s the kind of loving friend you are...

BEN
Ange...he knows.

ANGELA
...and I just know you’ll want...[BEAT] He knows? [HAL NODS] What? Everything? [HE NODS AGAIN] Bastard! You could’ve at least stopped me. How’d it sound, though? Convincing?

HAL
Very.

ANGELA
So it bloody should! I’ve been doing the same spiel to every one of my family and friends for the past four months.  Most of the time I think I’m on automatic pilot. I got it out of a Barbara Cartland. Trust Babs to have the right touch for any occasion. And how did you find out? Did big mouth over here spill the beans. [TO BEN] You know if I wasn’t such a gentle little thing I’d tear out your throat with a crochet hook.

SHE SITS ON THE SOFA

Did the garden gnome also tell you about our other little predicament?

HAL
He mentioned it.

ANGELA
And?

BEN
And he’s not going to do it.

ANGELA
What!? Why not?

HAL
Call me old fashioned but I’d like to keep breathing oxygen just a little longer.

ANGELA
It’s only for a few hours. You don’t really have to do anything. I mean, it’s not as if they’re expecting you to sing or anything. Just say hello to a few of them, shake a few hands then leave. It’s a flying visit. They think you’re just dropping in on the way home to a telethon.

HAL
A telethon?

BEN
An earthquake. Lot’s of cripple goats and things.

ANGELA
Back in Greece. They have lots of them. Everyone will understand.

HAL
I’m not sure I understand. Look, I don’t know anything about Nana Mouskouri...or Greece. What if they ask me questions? What’ll I say?

ANGELA
Don’t say anything. Just say [GREEK] Hello. Hello.

HAL
Yud..zoo

BEN
Maybe we should say she's got Laryngitis.

ANGELA
Yeah. Need to preserve your voice.

BEN
Perfect.

HAL
But I don’t even look like Nana.

BEN
Sure you do. You even said yourself you do Nana better than she does.

HAL
That was before my life was on the line.

ANGELA
They’re not gonna find out. Trust me.

HAL
I think I’ve already heard that one.

ANGELA
Maybe from Mr Potato Head here, but from me it’s true.

HAL
And what am I suppose to wear during all this?

BEN
Don’t worry. I kept all your stuff from last year. It’s in the bag in my bedroom closet.

HAL
You’ve thought of everything, haven’t you? But has it occurred to you they might have met Nana before? It is possible, you know.

ANGELA
Believe me, they haven’t. My family comes from a small village. The only time they’ve ever seen her is on Australian telly and I think it’s been a while since she was on MTV.

HAL
Well, it doesn’t matter either way because I’m not doing it.

BEN
You have to! If you don’t go through with it the Brothers Grimm might give me a gentle tap on the shoulder with a chainsaw. I thought you were supposed to be my best friend. Have I ever asked you for anything if it wasn’t absolutely necessary?

HAL LOOKS AT HIM

Okay, so my record’s not good....

ANGELA
[HITTING HIM] Come one, Hally. It’s not going to kill you. We need you desperately. If Nana doesn’t show we have to call the whole thing off.

HAL
Can’t you just tell your mother that you’re in love. Tell her Ben was having a little joke or something.

ANGELA
You don’t know my mother. She ain’t got much of a sense of humour and there’s no way she’s gonna let me marry Benny without Nana as part of the package. See, if I don’t marry a Greek boy I don’t get no inheritance and if I don’t get no inheritance then I don’t get to go away with Lynn and if I can’t go away with Lynn then I’m personally gonna break every bone in Benny’s body because it was his stupid idea we should go through with this wedding in the first place.

BEN
Oh, so now it’s my stupid idea, is it?

ANGELA
Of course it’s your stupid idea. What? You think I’ve enjoyed these past [Cont'd] four months draping off your stumpy little forearms.

BEN
Well, I haven’t exactly been doing it for my health either.

HAL
And what do I get out of all this?

ANGELA
Well, we wouldn’t expect you to do it without some reward.

BEN
Of course not. We’d be only too happy to make some.....some gesture if you like. For your assistance.

ANGELA
And yet we know that no matter what it is, you’d refuse it because it would compromise your strict moral principles.

HAL
I want a third.

ANGELA
What!!??

BEN
You’re kidding.

ANGELA
A third?

BEN
Outrageous! We only want you to put on a frock for a few hours.

ANGELA
We’re not asking you to give birth.

HAL
A third. I get it or I walk and you find yourselves some other schmuck to risk his life against those pitbulls you call brothers.

THE OTHER TWO LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN BACK AT HAL.

BEN
Alright...a third.

ANGELA
Ben! I was thinking along the lines of one of the toasters, myself.

HAL
Everyone has a price.

ANGELA
Well, sweetheart, you’re priceless.

HAL
So when's all this farrago happening?

ANGELA
Tonight. My family are coming over to meet you at seven.

HAL
Tonight?!

BEN
Uh-huh.

HAL
Are you both crazy? I can’t be ready by tonight. I’m gonna need a day just to...you know...psyche myself into it.

ANGELA
We ain’t paying you a third to psyche. Just put on a dress and wig.

BEN
And be Greek.

ANGELA
And be Greek.

HAL
I’m beginning to regret it already and I haven’t even gotten into the frock yet!

ANGELA
You can’t back out now. You’re in it up to those flabby little buns!

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR

HAL
Who could that be?

BEN
How should I kno...

VOICE
[OFF] Dimitri? Hello?

ANGELA
Oh, shit! That’s my brother, Stavros. I gotta hide. If he finds me here he’ll think I’ve spent the night.

HAL
So?

ANGELA
So...I come from a traditional family. If he thinks I spent the night he’ll tell my mother and she’ll call off the wedding. She still thinks I’m a virgin and that’s the way I stay until I get married. That was also in my fathers will.

HAL
He sounds a caring man.

ANGELA
He was a pig! Why else would he make me wait until I got married for my share of the business? He knew I was a dyke. This was his way of getting back at me.

BEN
[PUSHING HIM TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] You better get ready. Come on...the clothes and wig are in the bedroom closet.

HAL
What’s the hurry? We’ve got hours yet.

BEN
They can’t see you. Not like this.

ANGELA
They’re expecting to see Nana.

HAL
So tell ‘em she’s running late.
MORE KNOCKING.

VOICE
[OFF] Dimitri? Are you there?

ANGELA
If she’s running late they’ll expect her to hang around for the wedding.

BEN
You wanna have to sing at the wedding?

HAL
Who the hell’s Dimitri, anyway?

BEN
Never mind.

HAL
Who?

BEN
It’s me, okay. Now hurry up and get ready.

HAL
Why’s he calling you Dimitri?

BEN
How should I know?! It’s his pet name for me, I guess.

VOICE
[OFF] I can hear someone in there. Hello?

MORE KNOCKING

ANGELA
Look, can we discuss this later?

HAL
His pet name? How do you get Dimitri from Ben?

BEN
It sounds more Greek.

HAL
You told them your name was Dimitri, right?

BEN
No, of course not.

HAL
You did, didn’t you?

BEN
Yeah alright, so what? Where’s the harm?

HAL
It’s getting to be one lie after the other, isn’t it?

ANGELA
Don’t you start getting moral, now. You’re the one selling his soul for a third of the cash. [PUSHING HIM TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] Now move your arse!

HAL
I know I’m going to regret this to my dying day...which could be any second now, I just know it!

BEN
That’s right, pet. Look on the bright side.

THEY BOTH PUSH HIM INTO THE BEDROOM. ANGELA RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR. BEN HIDES HER BAG AND COAT THEN OPENS THE DOOR. STAVROS ENTERS.

STAVROS
Hey, Dimmi. Why’s it take you so long to open the bloody door?

BEN
I was sleeping, Stavros. I’m sorry. I didn’t hear the knocking.

STAVROS
But someone was talking. I heard voices.

BEN
I talk in my sleep.

STAVROS
I heard two voices.

BEN
I do both parts.

STAVROS
Oh, right.

BEN
So, what did you want to see me about?

STAVROS
Oh, big surprise! First I gotta take a piss.

BEN
Oh...um...it’s broken.

STAVROS
What is?

BEN
The toilet.

STAVROS
Oh, well, I’ll just piss in the sink.

BEN
Uh, there’s no water. It’s all flooded. You better not go in there.

STAVROS
But...have you called a plumber? You’ve got guests coming over.

BEN
Of course. They’ll be around later.

STAVROS
Not too much later I hope. Everyone will be here soon.

BEN
What’re you talking about? I thought everyone was coming about seven.

STAVROS
Originally, yeah. But you see, my grandmother’s quite old and she’s [Cont'd] always falling asleep. Sometimes in the middle of talking she’ll drop off. It frightens the shit out of people who don’t know. She looks dead, she’s so quiet. So we thought it would be better to come early. Otherwise she’d fall asleep and that wouldn’t be too good for our special guest to have a dead-looking grandmother slumped over a chair, ay?

BEN
No, I guess not. What’s the big surprise?

STAVROS
I’ll tell you in a sec. First we gotta talk. Let’s sit down for a moment.

BEN
Sure. Do you want some coffee?

STAVROS
Great idea. I think I need it after last night. But let me make it for you. The way you make it, it tastes like bat’s piss!

BEN
Thanks. Go right ahead.

STAVROS ENTERS THE KITCHEN AREA AND STARTS TO MAKE THE COFFEE. BEN SITS ON THE SOFA.

STAVROS
You have a good time last night? It was a wild night. My cousins really know how to turn on a Bucks party.

BEN
They sure do.

STAVROS
In my family the Bucks night’s almost as important as the wedding. It’s the last chance for the groom to really enjoy himself. [HE LAUGHS] Before he’s tied down forever.

BEN
Right.

STAVROS
Yeah, it was a pretty good night. My brother Nikkos only just got in as I was coming over. You know...just between you and me, I think he went home [Cont'd] with the stripper last night.

BEN
Well, that’s good.

STAVROS
Sure is. I was beginning to worry about him.

BEN
Oh?

STAVROS
Yeah. I thought he’d never find the right girl but when he came home this morning there was a gleam in his eye I ain’t seen before so I think there’s hope...[SLYLY LAUGHING] if you know what I mean.

BEN
Er...yes, I think I do.

STAVROS
Yeah. I can tell you this now because we are almost brothers ourselves but Nikkos was always the shy one. After a while you’ll get to know all our family. They’re good people. They’re simple people but they can also be pretty stubborn. Tradition’s very important to them. My father was very traditional. That’s why this marriage for Angela is so important.

BEN
Oh.

STAVROS SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA NEXT TO BEN

STAVROS
She’s a very stubborn girl, my sister. I probably don’t need to tell you this because you’ve seen it already but when I think about the fights between her and my father...oooh. Well, it’s just good to see she’s found someone at last. My father only wanted what was best for her. That’s why he wouldn’t allow her her share in the family business until she got married.

BEN
I see.

STAVROS
Yes. We’ve, my brother and me, we’ve been running our wrecking yards for some years now and I can tell you this because you’re almost family, [Cont'd] since our father passed away we’ve built up quite a profitable business. Much bigger than he ever dreamed of. We’ve got four yards and three are located in the best suburbs of this city. Yeah, it’s been quite a successful expansion. But of course a third of the business belongs to Angela when she marries and so we gotta think about her. Marriage can be an important business as well, you know.

BEN
I know.

STAVROS
It’s a commitment to each other. It’s love and honour. And...it’s sharing. Sharing’s everything in a marriage. But sometimes a marriage runs it’s course and things start to go wrong. The marriage breaks down and the two parties are gonna have to separate. Not that I’m condoning divorce, you understand. My family is totally against divorce. A man and woman must sort out their problems. But that’s the traditional way and these are the nineties. We gotta be more realistic. When a couple break from each other, some members of the couple like to continue that sharing......right down to the family business and there’s no way I’m gonna share my family business with that half of the couple who decides he wants to call it quits!

BEN
I see.

STAVROS
Now, I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen with you and Angela. I just want you to know we love our sister very much and we know you won’t disgrace the family or my father’s memory by going into this marriage without giving some kinda thought to what could happen.

BEN
Uh-huh.

STAVROS
And it’s even more important to you of course this marriage shouldn’t break down.

BEN
Why’s that?

STAVROS
Because things could get very bad for you.

BEN
Oh, really?

STAVROS
Yeah, of course. Very bad indeed. You wanna know how?

BEN
Not really.

STAVROS
Sure you do. Because you’re famous.

BEN
I am?

STAVROS
Sure. Well, not you yourself personally but how many people can say they’re related to a big star? And his very own cousin.

BEN
Oh.

STAVROS
Yeah. This is a very good match. It’s gonna bring a lot of pride on our family. Just imagine. I’m gonna be her cousin as well. It’s fantastic.

BEN
I really don’t think...

STAVROS
But you don’t have to worry.

BEN
I don’t?

STAVROS
Of course not. Your famous cousin wouldn’t dream of letting her family involve itself in a divorce. Did I tell you? I’ve got all her recordings.

BEN
Really?

STAVROS
Yeah. On eight track cartridge. In my car. Marvellous.

THE DOOR OPENS AND NANA STICKS HER HEAD OUT, JUST AS STAVROS AND BEN ARE TURNING AROUND. SHE SEES THEM AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. STAVROS JUMPS UP.

STAVROS
Oh, my God! That was her, wasn’t it? Shit, why didn’t you tell me she was here? You let me ramble on. She must’ve heard everything I said.

BEN
I don’t think she....

STAVROS
She’ll think I’m cheap. I’ve disgraced myself without being properly introduced. I could kill you!

THERE IS A LOUD KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR

Shit! That’s probably my family.

BEN
Aren’t they here a little early?

STAVROS
Not at all. That’s my surprise. We’re gonna have another wedding.

BEN
Who’s getting married?

STAVROS
Just you. But I thought because your cousin couldn’t be here for the main wedding tomorrow we should have another one here today so she wouldn't feel left out. It will be sort of like a pre-wedding wedding.

THERE IS MORE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.

BEN
I don’t think you should’ve gone to that sort....

STAVROS
Trouble. It’s no trouble, believe me. It’s my pleasure. [MOVING TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] But I gotta apologise to our guest. Is she coming out again?

BEN
[TRYING TO DRAW HIM AWAY] Of course she is. She’s just a little nervous about meeting the family. You know how it is. She’s probably just touching up her make-up.

STAVROS
Of course I understand. [VERY INSISTENT KNOCKING ON THE FRONT DOOR] Ah shut up!!! Some people, Dimmi, are so rude, you know?

STAVROS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA IS STANDING THERE DRESSED IN BLACK WITH GREY HAIR IN A BUN AND HOLDING TWO LARGE BAGS OF GROCERIES AND LOOKING QUITE ANGRY.

Yaya.

SHE SHOVES THE BAGS OF GROCERIES IN HIS HANDS

YAYA
I should have waited longer. I’m sorry but my arms were falling off. [GREEK] Idiot! [SHE SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE EAR] How are you, Dimitri?

SHE SHUFFLES INTO THE ROOM

BEN
I’m fine, thank yo...

YAYA
Is she here yet?

STAVROS
She’s in the bedroom touching up her makeups. Where is everybody?

YAYA
Your mother’s coming over later. She’s getting the dress. You  sister, she disappeared as usual. Your brother is down parking the car. There is never any parking in the city. I don’t know, Dimmi, why you live here. It’s too crowded, it smells, the people are rude and you have to walk miles from where you parked your car which is probably gonna get stolen any way so I don’t know why you bother. [TO STAVROS] Stavros, go help your brother. And don’t get lost like you always do.

STAVROS
Yes, yaya.

STAVROS EXITS. YAYA SITS ON THE SOFA. BEN WATCHES YAYA WHO IS WATCHING THE BEDROOM DOOR.

BEN
Mrs Theolakis, can I get you a drink?

YAYA
She’s in there? You sure she’s coming out?

BEN
Just doing her hair. Would you like something to drink?

YAYA
Oh, I don’t drink alcohol, thank you.

BEN
I’m sorry. I forgot.

YAYA
A juice would be good. If it’s not too much trouble.

BEN
Not at all.

YAYA
Or a Diet Coke!

BEN
I’ll see what I can find.

BEN GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA, FINDS A LITTLE BIT OF VODKA AND UNTHINKING HE POURS IT INTO A CUP. HE IS ABOUT TO HAND IT TO HER WHEN THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND ANGELA STICKS HER HEAD OUT. BEN SEES HER AND TRIES TO MOTION HER BACK IN WITH HIS HEAD. SHE MOVES TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA IS TRYING TO GET THE DRINK OUT OF HIS HAND.

YAYA
What’s wrong with you head?

BEN
Nothing. I just get a bit of a twitch when I’m nervous.

ANGELA OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA TURNS TO SEE HER. BEN NERVOUSLY GULPS DOWN THE DRINK.

YAYA
Angela!

ANGELA
Yaya.

YAYA
What are you doing here? You’re not suppose to be here.

ANGELA
I was just coming in. I didn’t want to disturb you.

YAYA
Who you gonna disturb? The dead? I’m just sitting here. That’s all.

ANGELA SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO HER.

What are you sneaking around for? Oooh! [GRABBING HER HEAD AND SHOVING UNDER HER SHAWL] It’s bad luck to see the groom before the wedding.

ANGELA
I wasn’t sneaking around. And I’m not getting married til tomorrow.

YAYA
Hah! She thinks she knows everything. You think you know everything.

ANGELA
Yaya, what’re you doing here so early?

YAYA
Stavros has organised a big surprise.

ANGELA
Oh yes?

YAYA
Neh. You’re getting married today.

ANGELA
No, yaya. [Greek] Tomorrow. I’m getting married tomorrow.

YAYA
Your mother has gone to get your dress. You getting married today as well. [Cont'd] Oh, may God not strike us down. Two weddings for the one person.

ANGELA
What’s she talking about?

BEN
Stavros decided to have a pre-wedding wedding.

ANGELA
Why?

BEN
So we can be married in front of you-know-who.

ANGELA
Who?

BEN
My famous cousin?

ANGELA
Oh. [REALISES. PANIC] Brilliant!

YAYA
I’m still a little thirsty.

BEN
Oh, sorry. I’ll get you another drink.

YAYA
When is you guest coming out?

BEN
I’m sure she won’t be too long.

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

Excuse me.

BEN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. NIKKOS ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE PUNCH BOWL, FRUIT JUICE AND ALCOHOL. HE LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY.

NIKKOS
Hello, Dimitri. How are you?

BEN
Good thanks, Nick. You don’t look so good though. Are you okay?

ANGELA
Don’t worry about him. He always looks like that.

NIKKOS
I’m fine. Just a little tired from last night, I guess.

YAYA
Now where’s your brother?

NIKKOS
He’s gone to get some ice, yaya.

YAYA
You boys always running around. I wish you’d stay in the same place.

NIKKOS
Dimmi, has everyone gone from last night?

BEN
I certainly hope so. Did you enjoy yourself, Nick?

YAYA
He not come home all night. Cheeky boy.

NIKKOS
Yes, thanks. I just don’t remember too much of it. What about your cousin? Is she here yet?

YAYA
She’s still in the bedroom.

ANGELA
Maybe you should hurry her up!

BEN
Sure.

NIKKOS
Dimmi, is there anything I can do?

ANGELA
Nick, why don’t you make some of your extra special fruit punch?

NIKKOS
Sure.

HE PUTS THE BOWL AND BOTTLES DOWN IN THE KITCHEN AREA.

BEN
Thanks, Nick. I’ll just be a moment.

BEN GOES TO THE BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCKS. THEY ALL WATCH HIM. HE WAITS FOR A FEW SECONDS.

Nana?

THERE IS NO RESPONSE. HE TURNS TO THE OTHERS.

I’ll just see what’s keeping her.

HE PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN SLOWLY, LOOKS BACK AT THE OTHERS. A HAND EXTENDS OUT AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE BEDROOM. THERE IS A CRASH AND LOUD ARGUMENTS COMING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. THEY ALL LOOK AT THE DOOR.

ANGELA
I think I need a drink.

SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA AND POURS A LARGE DRINK WHICH SHE GULPS DOWN. THE BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND BEN FLIES OUT, SLIGHTLY MESSED UP.

BEN
Sorry. She was just having some trouble with a zipper. She’s coming right now. But she’s asked if we’d close the blinds and dim the lights a bit. She’s got a touch of jet lag and the bright light isn’t too good for her at the moment.

ANGELA
That  I can believe!

BEN
Oh...and she asked me to tell you all she only likes to speak English.

ANGELA
What?

YAYA
She doesn’t speak Greek?

BEN
Er...no. It makes her very homesick. And when she goes to another country she only likes to speak that language.

YAYA
What she homesick for? [GREEK] Stupid woman!

BEN DIMS THE LIGHT SWITCH. ANGELA PULLS THE TWO CORDS ON THE WALL. THE LIGHTS DIM. HAL COMES SLOWLY OUT OF THE BEDROOM DRESSED AS NANA. HE LOOKS AT EVERYONE. ANGELA LOOKS AWAY AND DRINKS FROM THE BOTTLE.

BEN
And here she is. Everyone...I’d like you all to meet my cousin. Cousin Nana, this is Angela’s grandmother.

NANA GOES TO SHAKE YAYA’S HAND.

HAL
It’s very nice...

YAYA
[YELLING] I know you.

HAL
[SMALL VOICE-NERVOUSLY] You do?

YAYA
[TO OTHERS] I know her.

ANGELA
That’s impossible, yaya. You’ve never met before.

YAYA
My husband, when he was alive, he liked your music very much. He was [Cont'd] always playing it.

HAL
Oh, that’s nice. Thank you.

YAYA
I never like it myself.

HAL
Oh.

YAYA
You’re much taller than on television. [TO OTHERS] She much taller than she look.

HAL
Am I?

YAYA
Neh. [LOOKING AT HER HANDS] And hairier.

ANGELA
Christ.

NIKKOS
Yaya!

ANGELA GRABS HER GRANDMOTHER AND PULLS HER BACK ONTO THE SOFA.

ANGELA
Yaya, let me get you another drink.

YAYA
What you mean another one? I no have my first one yet.

BEN
Cousin Nana, this is Angela. This is the girl I’m going to marry.

HAL
So...this is the little vixen who’s stealing my cousin away. Oh and she’s so pretty. You know, I feel I know you already.

THEY GO TO KISS EACH OTHER’S CHEEK. ANGELA WHISPERS INTO HIS EAR.

ANGELA
Don’t get too cocky or I’ll kill you myself.

SHE ELBOWS AND WINDS HIM.

BEN
And this is one of Angela’s brothers. This is Nikkos.

HAL
It’s really nice to meet...

NANA TAKES A GOOD LOOK AT NIKKOS AND ALMOST COLLAPSES.

Oh my God!

BEN
Nana...are you alright?

HAL GRABS HIM AND MOVES HIM DOWNSTAGE.

HAL
Shit! It’s him! It’s him!

BEN
Who?

HAL
That guy!

BEN
What guy? Nick?

HAL
Yes, him. Nick. He’s that guy.

BEN
What guy? What are you talking about?

HAL
Stop asking me questions, schmuck! Him, that guy. He’s the one from last night.

BEN
Last night? At the buck’s party? Yeah, he was here. So what? He was more pissed than I was. I don’t think he’d remember you at all.

HAL
But we met.

BEN
So? You were dressed like a man. He’s not gonna know it’s the same person.

HAL
Believe me, he’s gonna know.

BEN
How’s he gonna know? You said everyone was drunk and dancing all over the place.

HAL
Most of them were.

BEN
So what’s the problem? He’s not gonna remember where he was, let alone who he talked to...Unless you slept with him.

BEN STARTS TO WALK BACK TO THE REST OF THE GROUP THEN STOPS SUDDENLY AND TURNS BACK TO HAL, WILD-EYED AND TERRIFIED.

Oh my God! You didn’t. Tell me you didn’t.

HAL
Alright. I didn’t.

BEN
But did you??

HAL
Yes.

BEN
Aarggh!!

ANGELA COMES UP BETWEEN THEM.

ANGELA
What the hell’s gotten into you two? I’m gonna smack your heads in if you don’t stop screwing around!

BEN
That’s the problem.

ANGELA
What?

BEN
Someone’s been screwing around already.

ANGELA
What’re you talking about?

YAYA
What’s wrong? Why are you all whisper? Why?

BEN
It’s nothing, yaya. My cousin just got something caught in her throat. [TO HAL WITH CLENCHED TEETH] Like my future brother-in-law’s dick!

ANGELA
Will one of you idiots tell me what’s going on?

HAL
I’m out of here.

BEN
Where the hell do you think you’re going?

HAL
Home! This is no good. He’s gonna know.

ANGELA
Who’s gonna know what?

BEN
Mr Free Range Dick here has been busy behind our backs.

ANGELA
Huh?

BEN
Cousin Nana’s been rubbing lumpy bits with a certain person’s brother at a very recent bucks night. Sound familiar?

ANGELA
What? You mean him and Nick?

BEN
Yep. [TO HAL] You bastard! How could you go and hump my brother-in-law the day before I’m getting married?

ANGELA
Him and Nick?

HAL
Hey, look, it wasn’t just me that did all the seducing, you know. From what I remember it was kinda mutual.

BEN
You creep! How could you?

ANGELA
Him and Nick?

BEN
[TO ANGELA] You say that once more and I’m gonna slug you!

THEY ALL LOOK AT NIKKOS

YAYA
I’m still very thirsty, back here...

BEN
I’ll get you a drink, yaya.

ANGELA HOLDS UP THE BOTTLE OF VODKA AND CUP TO HIM. HE TAKES THE BOTTLE AND POURS A LARGE DRINK THEN HANDS IT TO HER. SHE GULPS IT DOWN AND ALMOST CHOKES BUT RECOVERS.

ANGELA
I can’t believe it. One of my brothers is gay?

HAL
Well, if he isn’t he’s a great actor. Bye.

ANGELA
Where do you think you’re going?

HAL
You don’t think I’m gonna hang around here now, do you? You gotta be bonkers.

ANGELA
And how are we gonna explain your leaving?

HAL
I don’t care. You got me in to this. You get me out.

ANGELA
You’re over-reacting. Look, Nick doesn’t know it’s you and unless you lift your skirt, he’s not gonna find out either. So pull yourself together and stop panicking.

HAL
That’s easy for you to say

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR

ANGELA
[TO THE OTHERS] That’s probably Stavros. [TO HAL] Now why don’t you just relax, get yourself a drink or something and sit down!!

ANGELA GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AS BEN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. LYNN STANDS THERE.

LYNN
Are you Ben?

BEN
Sorry. No-one here by that name.

HE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. HE TURNS AROUND WILD-EYED.

Anyone like a drink?

THE DOOR KNOCKS AGAIN. BEN DOESN’T MOVE. MORE KNOCKS.

NIKKOS
Aren’t you gonna get the door?

BEN
Nope.

ANGELA COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND HEARS THE KNOCKING.

ANGELA
I’ll get it.

SHE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, SEES LYNN, SCREAMS AND SLAMS IT SHUT AGAIN. EVERYONE LOOKS AT HER. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

LYNN
[OFF] Ange? Angela, open this bloody door!

YAYA
[GREEK] Who is that?

ANGELA
Oh, no-one, yaya.

BEN GRABS HER AND DRAGS HER DOWNSTAGE.

BEN
Who’s that?!

ANGELA
Lynn.

BEN
Who’s Lynn?

ANGELA
My girlfriend!

NIKKOS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. LYNN STORMS IN.

LYNN
[FURIOUS] Angela? Angela! Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

ANGELA
Lynn, this is a bad time right now and I can’t really talk.

LYNN
Why? What’s the matter?

ANGELA
I can’t explain at the moment. I’ll call you later.

LYNN
Why can’t you tell me now?

ANGELA
Look, I’m right in the middle of something.

LYNN
Where have you been the past few weeks? Are you trying to avoid me or something?

ANGELA
No, of course not.

LYNN
Then what’s the matter?

ANGELA
Look, I’ve just told you. I can’t talk now. How did you find out where I was, anyway?

LYNN
I called in at the gym. They gave me this address and phone number. I rang and this guy answered. I didn’t know what to think. Those people at the gym said you were getting married. I was almost sick. What’s going on? Is this why you haven’t  called me? You’re getting married?

ANGELA
Look, can we please discuss this later?

LYNN
No! We talk now. Who are all these people? Why are you getting married? And who’s this Ben person?

YAYA
Angela, who is this?

ANGELA
Oh, no-one, yaya. Just a friend.

LYNN
A friend?!!

ANGELA
Yaya, this is Lynn. Lynn, this is my grandmother...this is my brother Nick. This is Dimitri and [POINTING TO NANA] this is an old family friend.

LYNN GREETS EVERYONE UNTIL SHE COMES TO NANA. SHE DOES A DOUBLE TAKE.

Excuse us, everyone. We need to have a little talk.

LYNN
What the fu...

ANGELA DRAGS HER INTO THE BATHROOM

BEN
Well, how is everyone for drinks? Mrs Theolakis?

YAYA
Don’t worry. I get it myself, thank you very much.

SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA AND POURS ANOTHER GLASS OF VODKA. NIKKOS SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO BEN.

BEN
So...Nick. How’s it doin’?

NIKKOS IS ABOUT TO SPEAK WHEN THE PHONE RINGS. BEN LOOKS AT IT AS IT CONTINUES TO RING. THE OTHER TWO LOOK AT HIM.

NIKKOS
Aren’t you going to get the phone?

BEN
Not if I can help it.

BEN PICKS UP THE PHONE.

BEN
Hello...yes. [TO OTHERS] It’s Stavros...Yes...okay, sure. [HANGING UP] His car’s broken down at the petrol station. He wants someone to go get him.

THERE IS A LOUD SCREAM FROM THE BATHROOM. THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND LYNN RUSHES OUT WITH ANGELA FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND. SHE STOPS TO GLARE AT THE REST OF THEM, ESPECIALLY HAL THEN STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

ANGELA
Well...she seemed to take that quite well.

BEAT. ANGELA RUSHES OUT SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

BEN
Well...uh...excuse me just a moment. I need an aspirin. I’ve got a bit of a headache.

BEN AND HAL BOTH MAKE FOR THE BATHROOM BUT BEN BEATS HIM, SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT. NANA FACES THE OTHERS, SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT.

YAYA
Nikkos?

NIKKOS
Yes, yaya?

YAYA
Go get your brother.

NIKKOS
Yes, yaya.

NIKKOS EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. HAL LOOKS AT YAYA THEN JOINS HER ON THE SOFA. SHE EYES HIM WARILY.

YAYA
[GREEK] So...this marriage. You are excited? It’s good for the family. Your cousin is a good boy, I think.

HAL JUST SITS THERE, SMILING.

YAYA
Are you alright?
HAL
Oh...yes...thank you.

YAYA
Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You don’t like to speak Greek.

HAL
I don’t?

YAYA
You get homesick.

HAL
I do? I mean...I do!

YAYA
I was saying it is exciting...about this wedding. You cousin...he’s a good boy. A little strange...but a good boy.

HAL
He’s a treat.

YAYA
Where are you from?

HAL
Er...Greece?

YAYA
I know that but where? What is [GREEK] your village?

HAL IS STILL PUZZLED.

Your village?

HAL
Oh ..it’s a little village. You never would’ve heard...

YAYA
Oh, you come from Athens.

HAL
[SURPRISED] Athens! That’s right!

YAYA
I forget. Stavros read it to me from...Woman’s Day.

HAL
Yes...Athens...that’s it.

YAYA
You know, my husband, he knew everything there was to know about you. He was always telling me.

HAL
That’s nice.

YAYA
As if I wanted to know.  [GREEK] Athenians...wankers! [PAUSE] How old are you?

HAL
I think I need a drink.

HAL GETS UP AND POURS A LARGE GLASS OF VODKA.

YAYA
Oh, Stavros told. I forgot. Er...he says you were born in...when was it? Oh, that’s right...1936.

HAL
[ALMOST THROWING UP HIS DRINK] 1936? Whoa!

YAYA
Yes...you’re quite old, aren’t you?

HAL
And aging by the minute.

YAYA
You don’t look that old.

HAL
Er...thank you.

YAYA
Ay...I suppose it’s all those face lifts. You’re so famous you can afford them. Still...I don’t think they did such a good job.

HAL
Thanks a bunch. [UNDER HIS BREATH] You old slag.

YAYA
Ti? Excuse me?

HAL
Nothing.

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. SHE LOOKS AT HIM. HE DOESN’T MOVE AT FIRST. FINALLY HE STANDS BEHIND THE DOOR, TAKES A BIG GULP FROM HIS DRINK THEN OPENS IT AND PEAKS AROUND. STAVROS STANDS THERE DUMB-FOUNDED.

STAVROS
Oh...my god...I mean, excuse me...I...er...

YAYA
She’s had a face-lift.

STAVROS
I don’t know what to say.

YAYA
But it didn’t work too good.

STAVROS
Yaya! You’ll have to forgive my Grandmother. [TO YAYA THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] She should be in a home. My name is Stavros. It’s a great pleasure meeting you. Really. Such a thrill. [TAKING HER HAND] Wonderful. You know, you’re nothing like your pictures.

YAYA
It’s the face-lifts.

STAVROS
Yaya! This is a most wonderful day. I can’t think what to say? Words fail me.

YAYA
It hasn’t stopped your mouth.

STAVROS
But please sit down. You shouldn’t be answering doors. Anywhere. You would have servants to do it. Here, you sit here. Would you like a drink?

YAYA
[GREEK] A little juice would be nice.

HAL
Oh please....

STAVROS
It’s no trouble. Oh, my God. This is so exciting.

HE TASTES THE PUNCH, WINCES THEN POURS IN SOME OUZO CONTINUING TO LOOK AT HAL. HE SUDDENLY REALISES HE HAS POURED IN THE WHOLE BOTTLE. HAL LOOKS ON SCARED STIFF. STAVROS HANDS A GLASS OF PUNCH TO HAL AND SITS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, OPENING HIS SHIRT TO SHOW HIS MASSIVE CHEST AND MEDALLIONS. YAYA SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE WAITING FOR HER DRINK. THEY BOTH LOOK AT HAL, YAYA SUSPICIOUSLY; STAVROS IN AWE. AFTER A LONG PAUSE.

STAVROS
Er...how was your trip?

HAL DRINKS THE PUNCH AND ALMOST CHOKES ON THE OUZO.

HAL
Oh...er...fine.

STAVROS
We wanted to give you a big welcome but Dimmi said you wouldn’t want a crowd at the airport. Ay...he’s use to having a famous cousin...but this is all new to us, I tell you.

YAYA
Not to me.

YAYA GETS UP TO POUR ANOTHER VODKA, DRINKS IT AND STARTS TO FALL ASLEEP STANDING UP.

STAVROS
You know. You’re even prettier than your photos. I hope I’m not being too forward but you know...I’ve never said these things before to a woman.

HAL
Oh, I’m sure you have.

STAVROS
Oh...to girls, yeah...thousands...but not to a mature woman. One who looks like she’s been around a bit.

HAL
What?!

STAVROS
Oh...I don’t mean like that. I mean...a woman who has lived.

HAL
You know, you look just like your brother.

STAVROS
A lot of people say that. I don’t see it, myself. But let’s not talk about him. Let’s talk about us.

HAL
Us?

STAVROS
O