a play by steven dawson
Peter
Edmonds & Moria Limberis from the 1999 Out Cast Theatre production.
Peter
Edmonds & Moria Limberis from the 1999 Out Cast Theatre production.
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Copyright © Steven Dawson 1992.
THE WHITE ROSE
First Performance
February 12th, 1992
Stables Theatre,
Sydney, Australia
Cast As Follows
| Ben | Peter Bodnar |
| Hal | Martin Reefman |
| Angela | Gia Carides |
| Stavros/Nikkos | John Mandoukos |
| Yaya/Mrs Theolakis | Jill McKay |
| Lynn | Mary-Ann Vale |
| Director | John Bashford |
| Set & Costume Design | Terry Ryan |
| Lighting Design | Shane Stevens |
| Stage Manager/Operator | Kaarin Dombrowski |
THE WHITE ROSE
THE PLAY OPENS WITH THE ENTIRE CAST ENTERING THE STAGE AREA ONE BY ONE IN A TRADITIONAL GREEK DANCE DRESSED AS PEASANTS, PRIEST, FISHERMEN, ETC. THEN TURNING THE DANCE INTO A FRENZY AND DISTRIBUTING DEBRIS TO INDICATE A BUCKS PARTY FROM THE PREVIOUS NIGHT. BLACKOUT AS THE ACTORS DISAPPEAR OUT THE THREE DOORS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE TWO ACTORS PLAYING HAL AND BEN.
LIGHTS COME UP ON THE LOUNGE ROOM OF AN APARTMENT THE MORNING AFTER. GRIEG’S MORNING SUITE CAN BE HEARD COMPLETE WITH BIRD NOISES OFFSTAGE. UPSTAGE ARE THREE DOORS. THE FRONT DOOR IS CENTRE, TO IT’S LEFT, A DOOR LEADING INTO THE BEDROOM AND TO THE RIGHT LEADING INTO THE BATHROOM. LEFT OF THE DOORS IS A SMALL KITCHEN AREA WITH TWO CORDS ON THE WALL FOR BLINDS. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM IS A SOFA, NEXT TO IT A SMALL TELEPHONE TABLE. ON THE SOFA LAY TWO BODIES COVERED OVER BY A LARGE DOONA.
THE DOOR TO THE BEDROOM OPENS AND NIKKOS STAGGERS OUT. HE HEARS ONE OF THE FIGURES SNORING. HE LOOKS OVER THE SOFA; SEES HAL; SMILES AND IS ABOUT TO TOUCH HIS HAIR WHEN THE PHONE BY THE SOFA RINGS. HE FREEZES THEN NERVOUSLY GRABS SOME CLOTHES AND STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR SLAMMING IT SHUT. HAL SITS BOLT UPRIGHT. HE LOOKS AROUND WIDE-EYED THEN SLOWLY SINKS BACK ON THE SOFA. HE REALISES THE PHONE IS STILL RINGING AND TRIES TO GRAB IT WITHOUT HAVING TO GET UP. HE FAILS AND ALMOST FALLS OFF THE SOFA.
HAL
What?! Oh...good morning...[PAUSE.
HE PICKS UP HIS WATCH FROM THE COFFEE TABLE] Good afternoon, then. [PAUSE]
I’m not sure. Probably still asleep, I guess. [PAUSE] No...that’s okay.
I’ll tell him... yes, I said I will. Bye.
HE HANGS THE PHONE UP AND COVERS HIS FACE WITH THE DOONA. THE OTHER BODY STIRS UNDER THE DOONA. HAL SLOWLY PULLS THE COVER TO REVEAL BEN HAVING AN EROTIC DREAM, CLUTCHING HAL’S FOOT SEDUCTIVELY AND GENTLY NIBBLING ON HAL’S TOES. HAL LOOKS OVER AT HIM.
HAL
If you’re gonna keep doing
that, at least tell me you love me.
BEN’S EYES POP OPEN. HE LOOKS AT THE FOOT IN FRONT OF HIM THEN UP AT HAL WHO GIVES A SMILE AND A LITTLE WAVE.
BEN
[EXTREMELY HUNG OVER] I
may cut my lips off.
HAL
Do that.
BEN
What are you doing here?
HAL
You mean on the couch with
you playing tonsil hockey on my toes or what am I doing in general?
BEN
Hal, not this time of morning,
please.
HAL
It’s afternoon. Not morning.
BEN
Thank you speaking clock.
What time in the afternoon?
HAL
12.30 in the afternoon....daylight.
BEN
[CLUTCHING HIS HEAD] Jesus
Christ!
HAL
Always the name dropper.
HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.
BEN
My head feels dreadful.
HAL
I’m not surprised.
BEN
I don’t even remember going
to sleep.
HAL
You didn’t. You passed out.
BEN
How come I end up sleeping
with you?
HAL
You got lucky.
BEN
[SUDDENLY HORRIFIED] Did
we...you know...er..?
HAL
No, of course we didn’t.
BEN
Good. That’s a relief. Then
why aren’t I in my bed?
HAL
I tried to throw you in
bed but there was another limp little body already in there.
HAL IS SUDDENLY HORRIFIED
Oh my God!
HE RUNS TO THE BEDROOM DOOR AND LOOKS IN. RELIEVED, HE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA TO MAKE COFFEE.
BEN
What’s the matter?
HAL
[NERVOUSLY] Nothing. Why?
BEN
You look like you’re gonna
have a cow.
HAL
I’m fine. Couldn’t be better.
HE STRETCHES TO SHOW HE IS OKAY AND ALMOST REELS OVER.
BEN
Great.
HAL
I think he’s gone.
BEN
Who?
HAL
The body in the bedroom.
BEN
Are you sure we didn’t do
anything last night?
HAL
Ben, honey. Trust me. [LOOKING
TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] I did not sleep with you last night.
BEN
Well, thank God for that.
HAL
And thank you so much. Maybe
it was a dream. I mean, I was a bit drunk.
BEN
What was a dream?
HAL
Nothing. Forget it.
BEN
I don’t even remember you
coming to the party. When did you get here?
HAL
Well, everyone was pissed
but I think it was just about the time you were wearing your underpants
on the outside of your trousers...nice fashion statement...and two big
guys were dancing to Zorba The Greek.
BEN
I don’t own any Zorba the
Greek.
HAL
I think it was BYO.
BEN
That’d be right.
HAL
Interesting crowd you hang
around with these days. I didn’t recognise a single face. And I could have
sworn I was in the middle of a Bucks Night.
BEN
You were.
HAL
Right. Then who were those
two jokers?
BEN
Stavros & Nikkos.
HAL
And who are Stavros and
Nikkos when they’re not straining their olives?
BEN
Well....by 3.30 tomorrow
afternoon they’ll be my brothers-in-law.
HAL
Your what?
BEN
I’m getting married.
HAL CHOKES ON HIS COFFEE. HE COMPOSES HIMSELF.
HAL
Uh-huh.
BEN
I was gonna tell you last
night.
HAL
Really?
BEN
Honest...only I got smashed
before you arrived. They all brought home-[Cont'd] made wine. You should’ve
gotten here earlier.
HAL
Well don’t worry ‘cause
now I’m way ahead of you. And who’s the lucky groom?
BEN
Me of course.
HAL
Then what’s the other groom’s
name?
BEN
There ain’t no other groom.
It’s a bride. And she’s a girl. [HAL GIVES HIM AN ODD LOOK] A real one.
HAL
Ben, sweetie, are you ready
for a shock?
BEN
What?
HAL
You’re gay.
BEN
No I’m not.
HAL
No?
BEN
I’ve never said I was gay.
HAL
You never said you were
a water buffalo either but some things we take for granted.
BEN
I’ve always considered myself
bisexual.
HAL
Oh really?
BEN
Yep.
HAL
Okay. Well, let’s look at
this. How many men have you had sex with in the past ten years?
BEN
A few.
HAL
What. A few hundred? A few
thousand? A few small republics, perhaps? Give it a rough estimate. At
least two hundred, okay?
BEN
I guess.
HAL
And how many women?
BEN
None.
HAL
Now don’t you think that
would indicate a trend?
BEN
Give me some coffee.
HAL
And is it also safe to assume
that I was the only person in the room last night who’s seen you dressed
up like Maria Venuti......sober?
BEN
I’ve never done Venuti in
my life. That’s your department. Callas yes, but Venuti...never!
HAL
My mistake. Must be the
moustache.
BEN
But that’s all in the past.
I’m always limiting myself. I need to broaden my horizons. Do other things.
HAL
Try developing a personality
first. You’ve done some pretty dumb things in your time but this definitely
rates a ten on the crap-ometer.
BEN
Maybe I just hadn’t met
the right girl.
HAL
If she exists she must be
tied up in a box in Iceland. Tell me, is this why you’ve been turning down
every invitation from your friends for the past four months? And why you
never return my calls? And why I never see you out?
BEN
I’ve been busy.
HAL
Like a rabid bunny, I bet.
Who’s the lucky bride to be anyway?
BEN
You don’t know her.
HAL
Try me.
BEN
Angela. Her name’s Angela.
HAL
Let me guess. She’s Greek,
right?
BEN
Yeah. Those guys last night?
They’re her brothers and cousins. They throw the Bucks party. It’s kinda
traditional.
HAL
Wait a minute. This isn’t
the
same Angela who works at your gym, is it?
BEN
[WORRIED] Oh...you know
her, huh?
HAL
Of course I know her, you
dork! I was the one who signed you into the club in the first place. I
don’t believe it. She’s a dyke!
BEN
Don’t call her that.
HAL
It’s true. Amongst those
nelly queens she’s the butchest thing there, although, that’s not too hard.
Okay...let’s cut out the bullshit. What’s going on? What are you up to?
BEN
Nothing.
HAL
No?
BEN
We happen to be incredibly
in love.
HAL
Meanwhile, back on planet
Earth....
BEN
It’s the truth.
HAL
Where’s your wallet?
BEN
On the telephone table.
Why?
HAL PICKS UP A PAIR OF SCISSORS, GOES TO THE TELEPHONE TABLE, PICKS UP HIS WALLET, LOOKS THROUGH IT AND TAKES OUT A CREDIT CARD.
BEN
What’s that?
HAL
Your American Express card.
If I don’t start getting some answers soon I’m gonna hit you where you
live.
BEN
Oh, don’t be ridiculous.
You think that scares me?
HAL HOLDS THE SCISSORS AGAINST THE CARD. BEN SCREAMS.
HAL
Bingo!
BEN STARTS CHASING HIM AROUND THE SOFA.
BEN
You evil bastard. You’d
do it too, wouldn’t you?
HAL
Does Ita Buttrose put an
“s” in banana? Now, what’s the story?
BEN
I told you. I’m in love
with her.
HAL HOLDS THE SCISSORS AGAINST THE CARD AGAIN. BEN SCREAMS AGAIN AND LUNGES FOR THE CARD BUT HAL ELUDES HIM.
BEN
Okay...I’m not in love with
her. But she’s growing on me.
HAL
So’s mould but you don’t
throw a veil on it and drag it down the aisle. Is she rich?
BEN
No, but her family is. Her
brothers own a couple of wrecking yards on the North Shore. [HE STOPS RUNNING]
But she doesn’t get a cent until she settles down and marries someone Greek.
It was in her father’s will.
HAL
But you’re not Greek.
BEN
I know that.
HAL
You don’t even have a foreski....
BEN
[LUNGES FOR HIM AGAIN] I
know that as well!
HAL
Then why do they think you’re
Greek?
BEN
Because I told them I was.
HAL
Why?
BEN
So I could marry Angela.
HAL
But why do you want to marry
her?
BEN
For the presents!
HAL IS STUNNED. HE STOPS RUNNING. BEN GRABS THE SCISSORS AND CARD FROM HIM.
HAL
For the what?!
BEN
Haven’t you seen those Godfather
movies with the big families? Whenever anyone gets married everyone gives
presents. Microwaves, VCR’s, fridges and freezers...and that’s not all.
They give out big envelopes stuffed with cash.
HAL
But they’re Italians.
BEN
Italians, Greeks; it’s all
the same when someone gets married. Angela and me, we went to a Greek wedding.
She needed a date and she couldn’t very well take along her girlfriend,
could she? So she asked me. All these people were eating, drinking, giving
presents and pinning money on the dress. It was incredible. I looked over
at Angela. She had this glazed look in her eyes when they were passing
over the dough and I knew she was thinking the same thing I was thinking.
HAL
I don’t believe this. You’ve
gone completely crazy. I knew it was only a matter of time but now I think
you’ve really flipped the big one.
BEN
What’s wrong? It’s perfect.
HAL
Perfect? It’s suicide. How
much do you know about these people? They could be axe murderers for all
you know. Ben, you’re gonna end up with concrete wedgies at the bottom
of Parramatta River. Has it ever occurred to you the family might find
out about you and Angina?
BEN
Angela...and how are they
gonna find out? The only other person who knows is you.
HAL
Is that the reason you asked
me to come along last night?
BEN
Kinda. I was gonna tell
you anyway but there’s been a bit of a complication.
HAL
What kind of complication?
BEN
Well, when Angela told her
family she was thinking of getting married, the mother threw a Linda Blair
on the spot. She doesn’t want her daughter marrying some poor unworthy
slob.
HAL
But you are a poor unworthy
slob.
BEN
Well, thank you all over
the place. I know that.
HAL
Then why’s she still letting
the two of you get married?
BEN
Because with Greeks it doesn’t
matter if you’re poor if you’re related to someone famous.
HAL
You’re not related to anyone
famous.
BEN
Yeah, well, I told them
I was.
HAL
Who?
BEN
Angela’s mother.
HAL
No. I mean who did you tell
them you were related to?
BEN
I told them I was the cousin
of...Nana Mouskouri.
HAL
[LAUGHING] Nana Mouskouri?
BEN
It’s the only famous Greek
I could think of besides Demis Roussos and I hate him. [SMILING] I showed
them that photo of you and me at last year’s Mardi Gras when you went as
Nana.
HAL
Well that’s just dandy.
BEN
They went berserk.
HAL
I’m not surprised. I look
better as Nana than Nana does.
BEN
I know you do. And you do
her so well. They were ecstatic I could be related to such a big star.
Especially when I told them she was coming to the wedding.
HAL
She’s coming to the wedding?
BEN
Of course not. Not yet.
HAL
What do you mean, not yet?
[REALISES HE IS GOING TO BE NANA] Oh my god! You’re not serious. You couldn’t
possibly be thinking what I think you’re thinking.
BEN
What’s wrong with it? Nothing’s
gonna happen. They won’t suspect a thing.
HAL
Oh really?
BEN
You’d be perfect for it.
You only have to appear for a few hours then make your apologies and escape.
HAL
Wait a minute. You are serious.
BEN
Of course I am.
HAL
No! Definitely not!
BEN
Why not? You’ve dressed
up as Nana before.
HAL
Yeah, but not for such a
public audience.
BEN
And I suppose walking past
half a million people in pumps during Mardi Gras is being a recluse?
HAL
That’s different. They never
get close enough to notice the big ankles and hairy knuckles.
BEN
You wouldn’t have to do
it for very long.
HAL
Ben...No! There’s no way
I’m getting myself killed just so you and your...fiancee can get your grubby
paws on fraudulent funds. Besides, hasn’t Anthrax got any Greek girlfriends
who can do it?
BEN
Angela, and that wouldn’t
be any good. Her family know all her friends and they’ll be at the wedding.
HAL
Then why doesn’t Angola
call it off? Say she’s not in love with you anymore or something.
BEN
Her name’s Angela and we
can’t back out now. It’s all been paid for. If we call it off Nikkos and
Stavros might pay me a midnight visit with a sledge hammer.
HAL
Well you’ve certainly gotten
yourself into one tight little spot this time, haven’t you?
BEN
If you’re gonna lecture
me....
HAL
And what happens if we get
caught? Besides the kneecapping, I mean.
BEN
We won’t get caught. It’s
fool-proof. And once the wedding’s over you can disappear.
HAL
That’s what I’m afraid of.
BEN
Please say you’ll do it.
HAL
Forget it.
BEN IS ABOUT TO PROTEST WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
HAL
Who’s that?
BEN
Probably Angela. I asked
her to come over today. We need to go over a few more things before the
wedding.
HAL
Like getting both your heads
examined.
BEN
You get the door. I need
to get changed.
HAL GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR. BEN DISAPPEARS INTO THE BEDROOM. HAL OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ANGELA ENTERS.
ANGELA
Harold...how are you? You
look great. Even though you haven’t been coming to my classes since God
was a boy, you tramp. So, has Benny told you about the two of us getting
married? Isn’t it wonderful? Who’d’ve thought it, huh? I certainly wasn’t
ready for marriage, I can tell you. But how can you dodge Cupid’s arrows
when he’s aiming for an arse this size, I always say.
BEN COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM IN A DRESSING GOWN. SHE GRABS ON TO HIS ARM.
Now, I know you and Benny are the best of friends and I could just smack his cute little cheeks for not wanting to tell you straight away but when you’re madly in love you don’t ever think rationally, do you? But I know you’ll be happy for him....for both of us because that’s the kind of loving friend you are...
BEN
Ange...he knows.
ANGELA
...and I just know you’ll
want...[BEAT] He knows? [HAL NODS] What? Everything? [HE NODS AGAIN] Bastard!
You could’ve at least stopped me. How’d it sound, though? Convincing?
HAL
Very.
ANGELA
So it bloody should! I’ve
been doing the same spiel to every one of my family and friends for the
past four months. Most of the time I think I’m on automatic pilot.
I got it out of a Barbara Cartland. Trust Babs to have the right touch
for any occasion. And how did you find out? Did big mouth over here spill
the beans. [TO BEN] You know if I wasn’t such a gentle little thing I’d
tear out your throat with a crochet hook.
SHE SITS ON THE SOFA
Did the garden gnome also tell you about our other little predicament?
HAL
He mentioned it.
ANGELA
And?
BEN
And he’s not going to do
it.
ANGELA
What!? Why not?
HAL
Call me old fashioned but
I’d like to keep breathing oxygen just a little longer.
ANGELA
It’s only for a few hours.
You don’t really have to do anything. I mean, it’s not as if they’re expecting
you to sing or anything. Just say hello to a few of them, shake a few hands
then leave. It’s a flying visit. They think you’re just dropping in on
the way home to a telethon.
HAL
A telethon?
BEN
An earthquake. Lot’s of
cripple goats and things.
ANGELA
Back in Greece. They have
lots of them. Everyone will understand.
HAL
I’m not sure I understand.
Look, I don’t know anything about Nana Mouskouri...or Greece. What if they
ask me questions? What’ll I say?
ANGELA
Don’t say anything. Just
say [GREEK] Hello. Hello.
HAL
Yud..zoo
BEN
Maybe we should say she's
got Laryngitis.
ANGELA
Yeah. Need to preserve your
voice.
BEN
Perfect.
HAL
But I don’t even look like
Nana.
BEN
Sure you do. You even said
yourself you do Nana better than she does.
HAL
That was before my life
was on the line.
ANGELA
They’re not gonna find out.
Trust me.
HAL
I think I’ve already heard
that one.
ANGELA
Maybe from Mr Potato Head
here, but from me it’s true.
HAL
And what am I suppose to
wear during all this?
BEN
Don’t worry. I kept all
your stuff from last year. It’s in the bag in my bedroom closet.
HAL
You’ve thought of everything,
haven’t you? But has it occurred to you they might have met Nana before?
It is possible, you know.
ANGELA
Believe me, they haven’t.
My family comes from a small village. The only time they’ve ever seen her
is on Australian telly and I think it’s been a while since she was on MTV.
HAL
Well, it doesn’t matter
either way because I’m not doing it.
BEN
You have to! If you don’t
go through with it the Brothers Grimm might give me a gentle tap on the
shoulder with a chainsaw. I thought you were supposed to be my best friend.
Have I ever asked you for anything if it wasn’t absolutely necessary?
HAL LOOKS AT HIM
Okay, so my record’s not good....
ANGELA
[HITTING HIM] Come one,
Hally. It’s not going to kill you. We need you desperately. If Nana doesn’t
show we have to call the whole thing off.
HAL
Can’t you just tell your
mother that you’re in love. Tell her Ben was having a little joke or something.
ANGELA
You don’t know my mother.
She ain’t got much of a sense of humour and there’s no way she’s gonna
let me marry Benny without Nana as part of the package. See, if I don’t
marry a Greek boy I don’t get no inheritance and if I don’t get no inheritance
then I don’t get to go away with Lynn and if I can’t go away with Lynn
then I’m personally gonna break every bone in Benny’s body because it was
his stupid idea we should go through with this wedding in the first place.
BEN
Oh, so now it’s my stupid
idea, is it?
ANGELA
Of course it’s your stupid
idea. What? You think I’ve enjoyed these past [Cont'd] four months draping
off your stumpy little forearms.
BEN
Well, I haven’t exactly
been doing it for my health either.
HAL
And what do I get out of
all this?
ANGELA
Well, we wouldn’t expect
you to do it without some reward.
BEN
Of course not. We’d be only
too happy to make some.....some gesture if you like. For your assistance.
ANGELA
And yet we know that no
matter what it is, you’d refuse it because it would compromise your strict
moral principles.
HAL
I want a third.
ANGELA
What!!??
BEN
You’re kidding.
ANGELA
A third?
BEN
Outrageous! We only want
you to put on a frock for a few hours.
ANGELA
We’re not asking you to
give birth.
HAL
A third. I get it or I walk
and you find yourselves some other schmuck to risk his life against those
pitbulls you call brothers.
THE OTHER TWO LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN BACK AT HAL.
BEN
Alright...a third.
ANGELA
Ben! I was thinking along
the lines of one of the toasters, myself.
HAL
Everyone has a price.
ANGELA
Well, sweetheart, you’re
priceless.
HAL
So when's all this farrago
happening?
ANGELA
Tonight. My family are coming
over to meet you at seven.
HAL
Tonight?!
BEN
Uh-huh.
HAL
Are you both crazy? I can’t
be ready by tonight. I’m gonna need a day just to...you know...psyche myself
into it.
ANGELA
We ain’t paying you a third
to psyche. Just put on a dress and wig.
BEN
And be Greek.
ANGELA
And be Greek.
HAL
I’m beginning to regret
it already and I haven’t even gotten into the frock yet!
ANGELA
You can’t back out now.
You’re in it up to those flabby little buns!
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
HAL
Who could that be?
BEN
How should I kno...
VOICE
[OFF] Dimitri? Hello?
ANGELA
Oh, shit! That’s my brother,
Stavros. I gotta hide. If he finds me here he’ll think I’ve spent the night.
HAL
So?
ANGELA
So...I come from a traditional
family. If he thinks I spent the night he’ll tell my mother and she’ll
call off the wedding. She still thinks I’m a virgin and that’s the way
I stay until I get married. That was also in my fathers will.
HAL
He sounds a caring man.
ANGELA
He was a pig! Why else would
he make me wait until I got married for my share of the business? He knew
I was a dyke. This was his way of getting back at me.
BEN
[PUSHING HIM TOWARDS THE
BEDROOM] You better get ready. Come on...the clothes and wig are in the
bedroom closet.
HAL
What’s the hurry? We’ve
got hours yet.
BEN
They can’t see you. Not
like this.
ANGELA
They’re expecting to see
Nana.
HAL
So tell ‘em she’s running
late.
MORE KNOCKING.
VOICE
[OFF] Dimitri? Are you there?
ANGELA
If she’s running late they’ll
expect her to hang around for the wedding.
BEN
You wanna have to sing at
the wedding?
HAL
Who the hell’s Dimitri,
anyway?
BEN
Never mind.
HAL
Who?
BEN
It’s me, okay. Now hurry
up and get ready.
HAL
Why’s he calling you Dimitri?
BEN
How should I know?! It’s
his pet name for me, I guess.
VOICE
[OFF] I can hear someone
in there. Hello?
MORE KNOCKING
ANGELA
Look, can we discuss this
later?
HAL
His pet name? How do you
get Dimitri from Ben?
BEN
It sounds more Greek.
HAL
You told them your name
was Dimitri, right?
BEN
No, of course not.
HAL
You did, didn’t you?
BEN
Yeah alright, so what? Where’s
the harm?
HAL
It’s getting to be one lie
after the other, isn’t it?
ANGELA
Don’t you start getting
moral, now. You’re the one selling his soul for a third of the cash. [PUSHING
HIM TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] Now move your arse!
HAL
I know I’m going to regret
this to my dying day...which could be any second now, I just know it!
BEN
That’s right, pet. Look
on the bright side.
THEY BOTH PUSH HIM INTO THE BEDROOM. ANGELA RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR. BEN HIDES HER BAG AND COAT THEN OPENS THE DOOR. STAVROS ENTERS.
STAVROS
Hey, Dimmi. Why’s it take
you so long to open the bloody door?
BEN
I was sleeping, Stavros.
I’m sorry. I didn’t hear the knocking.
STAVROS
But someone was talking.
I heard voices.
BEN
I talk in my sleep.
STAVROS
I heard two voices.
BEN
I do both parts.
STAVROS
Oh, right.
BEN
So, what did you want to
see me about?
STAVROS
Oh, big surprise! First
I gotta take a piss.
BEN
Oh...um...it’s broken.
STAVROS
What is?
BEN
The toilet.
STAVROS
Oh, well, I’ll just piss
in the sink.
BEN
Uh, there’s no water. It’s
all flooded. You better not go in there.
STAVROS
But...have you called a
plumber? You’ve got guests coming over.
BEN
Of course. They’ll be around
later.
STAVROS
Not too much later I hope.
Everyone will be here soon.
BEN
What’re you talking about?
I thought everyone was coming about seven.
STAVROS
Originally, yeah. But you
see, my grandmother’s quite old and she’s [Cont'd] always falling asleep.
Sometimes in the middle of talking she’ll drop off. It frightens the shit
out of people who don’t know. She looks dead, she’s so quiet. So we thought
it would be better to come early. Otherwise she’d fall asleep and that
wouldn’t be too good for our special guest to have a dead-looking grandmother
slumped over a chair, ay?
BEN
No, I guess not. What’s
the big surprise?
STAVROS
I’ll tell you in a sec.
First we gotta talk. Let’s sit down for a moment.
BEN
Sure. Do you want some coffee?
STAVROS
Great idea. I think I need
it after last night. But let me make it for you. The way you make it, it
tastes like bat’s piss!
BEN
Thanks. Go right ahead.
STAVROS ENTERS THE KITCHEN AREA AND STARTS TO MAKE THE COFFEE. BEN SITS ON THE SOFA.
STAVROS
You have a good time last
night? It was a wild night. My cousins really know how to turn on a Bucks
party.
BEN
They sure do.
STAVROS
In my family the Bucks night’s
almost as important as the wedding. It’s the last chance for the groom
to really enjoy himself. [HE LAUGHS] Before he’s tied down forever.
BEN
Right.
STAVROS
Yeah, it was a pretty good
night. My brother Nikkos only just got in as I was coming over. You know...just
between you and me, I think he went home [Cont'd] with the stripper last
night.
BEN
Well, that’s good.
STAVROS
Sure is. I was beginning
to worry about him.
BEN
Oh?
STAVROS
Yeah. I thought he’d never
find the right girl but when he came home this morning there was a gleam
in his eye I ain’t seen before so I think there’s hope...[SLYLY LAUGHING]
if you know what I mean.
BEN
Er...yes, I think I do.
STAVROS
Yeah. I can tell you this
now because we are almost brothers ourselves but Nikkos was always the
shy one. After a while you’ll get to know all our family. They’re good
people. They’re simple people but they can also be pretty stubborn. Tradition’s
very important to them. My father was very traditional. That’s why this
marriage for Angela is so important.
BEN
Oh.
STAVROS SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA NEXT TO BEN
STAVROS
She’s a very stubborn girl,
my sister. I probably don’t need to tell you this because you’ve seen it
already but when I think about the fights between her and my father...oooh.
Well, it’s just good to see she’s found someone at last. My father only
wanted what was best for her. That’s why he wouldn’t allow her her share
in the family business until she got married.
BEN
I see.
STAVROS
Yes. We’ve, my brother and
me, we’ve been running our wrecking yards for some years now and I can
tell you this because you’re almost family, [Cont'd] since our father passed
away we’ve built up quite a profitable business. Much bigger than he ever
dreamed of. We’ve got four yards and three are located in the best suburbs
of this city. Yeah, it’s been quite a successful expansion. But of course
a third of the business belongs to Angela when she marries and so we gotta
think about her. Marriage can be an important business as well, you know.
BEN
I know.
STAVROS
It’s a commitment to each
other. It’s love and honour. And...it’s sharing. Sharing’s everything in
a marriage. But sometimes a marriage runs it’s course and things start
to go wrong. The marriage breaks down and the two parties are gonna have
to separate. Not that I’m condoning divorce, you understand. My family
is totally against divorce. A man and woman must sort out their problems.
But that’s the traditional way and these are the nineties. We gotta be
more realistic. When a couple break from each other, some members of the
couple like to continue that sharing......right down to the family business
and there’s no way I’m gonna share my family business with that half of
the couple who decides he wants to call it quits!
BEN
I see.
STAVROS
Now, I’m not saying that’s
what’s going to happen with you and Angela. I just want you to know we
love our sister very much and we know you won’t disgrace the family or
my father’s memory by going into this marriage without giving some kinda
thought to what could happen.
BEN
Uh-huh.
STAVROS
And it’s even more important
to you of course this marriage shouldn’t break down.
BEN
Why’s that?
STAVROS
Because things could get
very bad for you.
BEN
Oh, really?
STAVROS
Yeah, of course. Very bad
indeed. You wanna know how?
BEN
Not really.
STAVROS
Sure you do. Because you’re
famous.
BEN
I am?
STAVROS
Sure. Well, not you yourself
personally but how many people can say they’re related to a big star? And
his very own cousin.
BEN
Oh.
STAVROS
Yeah. This is a very good
match. It’s gonna bring a lot of pride on our family. Just imagine. I’m
gonna be her cousin as well. It’s fantastic.
BEN
I really don’t think...
STAVROS
But you don’t have to worry.
BEN
I don’t?
STAVROS
Of course not. Your famous
cousin wouldn’t dream of letting her family involve itself in a divorce.
Did I tell you? I’ve got all her recordings.
BEN
Really?
STAVROS
Yeah. On eight track cartridge.
In my car. Marvellous.
THE DOOR OPENS AND NANA STICKS HER HEAD OUT, JUST AS STAVROS AND BEN ARE TURNING AROUND. SHE SEES THEM AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. STAVROS JUMPS UP.
STAVROS
Oh, my God! That was her,
wasn’t it? Shit, why didn’t you tell me she was here? You let me ramble
on. She must’ve heard everything I said.
BEN
I don’t think she....
STAVROS
She’ll think I’m cheap.
I’ve disgraced myself without being properly introduced. I could kill you!
THERE IS A LOUD KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR
Shit! That’s probably my family.
BEN
Aren’t they here a little
early?
STAVROS
Not at all. That’s my surprise.
We’re gonna have another wedding.
BEN
Who’s getting married?
STAVROS
Just you. But I thought
because your cousin couldn’t be here for the main wedding tomorrow we should
have another one here today so she wouldn't feel left out. It will be sort
of like a pre-wedding wedding.
THERE IS MORE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.
BEN
I don’t think you should’ve
gone to that sort....
STAVROS
Trouble. It’s no trouble,
believe me. It’s my pleasure. [MOVING TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] But I gotta
apologise to our guest. Is she coming out again?
BEN
[TRYING TO DRAW HIM AWAY]
Of course she is. She’s just a little nervous about meeting the family.
You know how it is. She’s probably just touching up her make-up.
STAVROS
Of course I understand.
[VERY INSISTENT KNOCKING ON THE FRONT DOOR] Ah shut up!!! Some people,
Dimmi, are so rude, you know?
STAVROS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA IS STANDING THERE DRESSED IN BLACK WITH GREY HAIR IN A BUN AND HOLDING TWO LARGE BAGS OF GROCERIES AND LOOKING QUITE ANGRY.
Yaya.
SHE SHOVES THE BAGS OF GROCERIES IN HIS HANDS
YAYA
I should have waited longer.
I’m sorry but my arms were falling off. [GREEK] Idiot! [SHE SLAPS HIM ACROSS
THE EAR] How are you, Dimitri?
SHE SHUFFLES INTO THE ROOM
BEN
I’m fine, thank yo...
YAYA
Is she here yet?
STAVROS
She’s in the bedroom touching
up her makeups. Where is everybody?
YAYA
Your mother’s coming over
later. She’s getting the dress. You sister, she disappeared as usual.
Your brother is down parking the car. There is never any parking in the
city. I don’t know, Dimmi, why you live here. It’s too crowded, it smells,
the people are rude and you have to walk miles from where you parked your
car which is probably gonna get stolen any way so I don’t know why you
bother. [TO STAVROS] Stavros, go help your brother. And don’t get lost
like you always do.
STAVROS
Yes, yaya.
STAVROS EXITS. YAYA SITS ON THE SOFA. BEN WATCHES YAYA WHO IS WATCHING THE BEDROOM DOOR.
BEN
Mrs Theolakis, can I get
you a drink?
YAYA
She’s in there? You sure
she’s coming out?
BEN
Just doing her hair. Would
you like something to drink?
YAYA
Oh, I don’t drink alcohol,
thank you.
BEN
I’m sorry. I forgot.
YAYA
A juice would be good. If
it’s not too much trouble.
BEN
Not at all.
YAYA
Or a Diet Coke!
BEN
I’ll see what I can find.
BEN GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA, FINDS A LITTLE BIT OF VODKA AND UNTHINKING HE POURS IT INTO A CUP. HE IS ABOUT TO HAND IT TO HER WHEN THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND ANGELA STICKS HER HEAD OUT. BEN SEES HER AND TRIES TO MOTION HER BACK IN WITH HIS HEAD. SHE MOVES TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA IS TRYING TO GET THE DRINK OUT OF HIS HAND.
YAYA
What’s wrong with you head?
BEN
Nothing. I just get a bit
of a twitch when I’m nervous.
ANGELA OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA TURNS TO SEE HER. BEN NERVOUSLY GULPS DOWN THE DRINK.
YAYA
Angela!
ANGELA
Yaya.
YAYA
What are you doing here?
You’re not suppose to be here.
ANGELA
I was just coming in. I
didn’t want to disturb you.
YAYA
Who you gonna disturb? The
dead? I’m just sitting here. That’s all.
ANGELA SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO HER.
What are you sneaking around for? Oooh! [GRABBING HER HEAD AND SHOVING UNDER HER SHAWL] It’s bad luck to see the groom before the wedding.
ANGELA
I wasn’t sneaking around.
And I’m not getting married til tomorrow.
YAYA
Hah! She thinks she knows
everything. You think you know everything.
ANGELA
Yaya, what’re you doing
here so early?
YAYA
Stavros has organised a
big surprise.
ANGELA
Oh yes?
YAYA
Neh. You’re getting married
today.
ANGELA
No, yaya. [Greek] Tomorrow.
I’m getting married tomorrow.
YAYA
Your mother has gone to
get your dress. You getting married today as well. [Cont'd] Oh, may God
not strike us down. Two weddings for the one person.
ANGELA
What’s she talking about?
BEN
Stavros decided to have
a pre-wedding wedding.
ANGELA
Why?
BEN
So we can be married in
front of you-know-who.
ANGELA
Who?
BEN
My famous cousin?
ANGELA
Oh. [REALISES. PANIC] Brilliant!
YAYA
I’m still a little thirsty.
BEN
Oh, sorry. I’ll get you
another drink.
YAYA
When is you guest coming
out?
BEN
I’m sure she won’t be too
long.
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Excuse me.
BEN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. NIKKOS ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE PUNCH BOWL, FRUIT JUICE AND ALCOHOL. HE LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY.
NIKKOS
Hello, Dimitri. How are
you?
BEN
Good thanks, Nick. You don’t
look so good though. Are you okay?
ANGELA
Don’t worry about him. He
always looks like that.
NIKKOS
I’m fine. Just a little
tired from last night, I guess.
YAYA
Now where’s your brother?
NIKKOS
He’s gone to get some ice,
yaya.
YAYA
You boys always running
around. I wish you’d stay in the same place.
NIKKOS
Dimmi, has everyone gone
from last night?
BEN
I certainly hope so. Did
you enjoy yourself, Nick?
YAYA
He not come home all night.
Cheeky boy.
NIKKOS
Yes, thanks. I just don’t
remember too much of it. What about your cousin? Is she here yet?
YAYA
She’s still in the bedroom.
ANGELA
Maybe you should hurry her
up!
BEN
Sure.
NIKKOS
Dimmi, is there anything
I can do?
ANGELA
Nick, why don’t you make
some of your extra special fruit punch?
NIKKOS
Sure.
HE PUTS THE BOWL AND BOTTLES DOWN IN THE KITCHEN AREA.
BEN
Thanks, Nick. I’ll just
be a moment.
BEN GOES TO THE BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCKS. THEY ALL WATCH HIM. HE WAITS FOR A FEW SECONDS.
Nana?
THERE IS NO RESPONSE. HE TURNS TO THE OTHERS.
I’ll just see what’s keeping her.
HE PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN SLOWLY, LOOKS BACK AT THE OTHERS. A HAND EXTENDS OUT AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE BEDROOM. THERE IS A CRASH AND LOUD ARGUMENTS COMING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. THEY ALL LOOK AT THE DOOR.
ANGELA
I think I need a drink.
SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA AND POURS A LARGE DRINK WHICH SHE GULPS DOWN. THE BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND BEN FLIES OUT, SLIGHTLY MESSED UP.
BEN
Sorry. She was just having
some trouble with a zipper. She’s coming right now. But she’s asked if
we’d close the blinds and dim the lights a bit. She’s got a touch of jet
lag and the bright light isn’t too good for her at the moment.
ANGELA
That I can believe!
BEN
Oh...and she asked me to
tell you all she only likes to speak English.
ANGELA
What?
YAYA
She doesn’t speak Greek?
BEN
Er...no. It makes her very
homesick. And when she goes to another country she only likes to speak
that language.
YAYA
What she homesick for? [GREEK]
Stupid woman!
BEN DIMS THE LIGHT SWITCH. ANGELA PULLS THE TWO CORDS ON THE WALL. THE LIGHTS DIM. HAL COMES SLOWLY OUT OF THE BEDROOM DRESSED AS NANA. HE LOOKS AT EVERYONE. ANGELA LOOKS AWAY AND DRINKS FROM THE BOTTLE.
BEN
And here she is. Everyone...I’d
like you all to meet my cousin. Cousin Nana, this is Angela’s grandmother.
NANA GOES TO SHAKE YAYA’S HAND.
HAL
It’s very nice...
YAYA
[YELLING] I know you.
HAL
[SMALL VOICE-NERVOUSLY]
You do?
YAYA
[TO OTHERS] I know her.
ANGELA
That’s impossible, yaya.
You’ve never met before.
YAYA
My husband, when he was
alive, he liked your music very much. He was [Cont'd] always playing it.
HAL
Oh, that’s nice. Thank you.
YAYA
I never like it myself.
HAL
Oh.
YAYA
You’re much taller than
on television. [TO OTHERS] She much taller than she look.
HAL
Am I?
YAYA
Neh. [LOOKING AT HER HANDS]
And hairier.
ANGELA
Christ.
NIKKOS
Yaya!
ANGELA GRABS HER GRANDMOTHER AND PULLS HER BACK ONTO THE SOFA.
ANGELA
Yaya, let me get you another
drink.
YAYA
What you mean another one?
I no have my first one yet.
BEN
Cousin Nana, this is Angela.
This is the girl I’m going to marry.
HAL
So...this is the little
vixen who’s stealing my cousin away. Oh and she’s so pretty. You know,
I feel I know you already.
THEY GO TO KISS EACH OTHER’S CHEEK. ANGELA WHISPERS INTO HIS EAR.
ANGELA
Don’t get too cocky or I’ll
kill you myself.
SHE ELBOWS AND WINDS HIM.
BEN
And this is one of Angela’s
brothers. This is Nikkos.
HAL
It’s really nice to meet...
NANA TAKES A GOOD LOOK AT NIKKOS AND ALMOST COLLAPSES.
Oh my God!
BEN
Nana...are you alright?
HAL GRABS HIM AND MOVES HIM DOWNSTAGE.
HAL
Shit! It’s him! It’s him!
BEN
Who?
HAL
That guy!
BEN
What guy? Nick?
HAL
Yes, him. Nick. He’s that
guy.
BEN
What guy? What are you talking
about?
HAL
Stop asking me questions,
schmuck! Him, that guy. He’s the one from last night.
BEN
Last night? At the buck’s
party? Yeah, he was here. So what? He was more pissed than I was. I don’t
think he’d remember you at all.
HAL
But we met.
BEN
So? You were dressed like
a man. He’s not gonna know it’s the same person.
HAL
Believe me, he’s gonna know.
BEN
How’s he gonna know? You
said everyone was drunk and dancing all over the place.
HAL
Most of them were.
BEN
So what’s the problem? He’s
not gonna remember where he was, let alone who he talked to...Unless you
slept with him.
BEN STARTS TO WALK BACK TO THE REST OF THE GROUP THEN STOPS SUDDENLY AND TURNS BACK TO HAL, WILD-EYED AND TERRIFIED.
Oh my God! You didn’t. Tell me you didn’t.
HAL
Alright. I didn’t.
BEN
But did you??
HAL
Yes.
BEN
Aarggh!!
ANGELA COMES UP BETWEEN THEM.
ANGELA
What the hell’s gotten into
you two? I’m gonna smack your heads in if you don’t stop screwing around!
BEN
That’s the problem.
ANGELA
What?
BEN
Someone’s been screwing
around already.
ANGELA
What’re you talking about?
YAYA
What’s wrong? Why are you
all whisper? Why?
BEN
It’s nothing, yaya. My cousin
just got something caught in her throat. [TO HAL WITH CLENCHED TEETH] Like
my future brother-in-law’s dick!
ANGELA
Will one of you idiots tell
me what’s going on?
HAL
I’m out of here.
BEN
Where the hell do you think
you’re going?
HAL
Home! This is no good. He’s
gonna know.
ANGELA
Who’s gonna know what?
BEN
Mr Free Range Dick here
has been busy behind our backs.
ANGELA
Huh?
BEN
Cousin Nana’s been rubbing
lumpy bits with a certain person’s brother at a very recent bucks night.
Sound familiar?
ANGELA
What? You mean him and Nick?
BEN
Yep. [TO HAL] You bastard!
How could you go and hump my brother-in-law the day before I’m getting
married?
ANGELA
Him and Nick?
HAL
Hey, look, it wasn’t just
me that did all the seducing, you know. From what I remember it was kinda
mutual.
BEN
You creep! How could you?
ANGELA
Him and Nick?
BEN
[TO ANGELA] You say that
once more and I’m gonna slug you!
THEY ALL LOOK AT NIKKOS
YAYA
I’m still very thirsty,
back here...
BEN
I’ll get you a drink, yaya.
ANGELA HOLDS UP THE BOTTLE OF VODKA AND CUP TO HIM. HE TAKES THE BOTTLE AND POURS A LARGE DRINK THEN HANDS IT TO HER. SHE GULPS IT DOWN AND ALMOST CHOKES BUT RECOVERS.
ANGELA
I can’t believe it. One
of my brothers is gay?
HAL
Well, if he isn’t he’s a
great actor. Bye.
ANGELA
Where do you think you’re
going?
HAL
You don’t think I’m gonna
hang around here now, do you? You gotta be bonkers.
ANGELA
And how are we gonna explain
your leaving?
HAL
I don’t care. You got me
in to this. You get me out.
ANGELA
You’re over-reacting. Look,
Nick doesn’t know it’s you and unless you lift your skirt, he’s not gonna
find out either. So pull yourself together and stop panicking.
HAL
That’s easy for you to say
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
ANGELA
[TO THE OTHERS] That’s probably
Stavros. [TO HAL] Now why don’t you just relax, get yourself a drink or
something and sit down!!
ANGELA GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AS BEN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. LYNN STANDS THERE.
LYNN
Are you Ben?
BEN
Sorry. No-one here by that
name.
HE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. HE TURNS AROUND WILD-EYED.
Anyone like a drink?
THE DOOR KNOCKS AGAIN. BEN DOESN’T MOVE. MORE KNOCKS.
NIKKOS
Aren’t you gonna get the
door?
BEN
Nope.
ANGELA COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND HEARS THE KNOCKING.
ANGELA
I’ll get it.
SHE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, SEES LYNN, SCREAMS AND SLAMS IT SHUT AGAIN. EVERYONE LOOKS AT HER. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.
LYNN
[OFF] Ange? Angela, open
this bloody door!
YAYA
[GREEK] Who is that?
ANGELA
Oh, no-one, yaya.
BEN GRABS HER AND DRAGS HER DOWNSTAGE.
BEN
Who’s that?!
ANGELA
Lynn.
BEN
Who’s Lynn?
ANGELA
My girlfriend!
NIKKOS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. LYNN STORMS IN.
LYNN
[FURIOUS] Angela? Angela!
Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you.
ANGELA
Lynn, this is a bad time
right now and I can’t really talk.
LYNN
Why? What’s the matter?
ANGELA
I can’t explain at the moment.
I’ll call you later.
LYNN
Why can’t you tell me now?
ANGELA
Look, I’m right in the middle
of something.
LYNN
Where have you been the
past few weeks? Are you trying to avoid me or something?
ANGELA
No, of course not.
LYNN
Then what’s the matter?
ANGELA
Look, I’ve just told you.
I can’t talk now. How did you find out where I was, anyway?
LYNN
I called in at the gym.
They gave me this address and phone number. I rang and this guy answered.
I didn’t know what to think. Those people at the gym said you were getting
married. I was almost sick. What’s going on? Is this why you haven’t
called me? You’re getting married?
ANGELA
Look, can we please discuss
this later?
LYNN
No! We talk now. Who are
all these people? Why are you getting married? And who’s this Ben person?
YAYA
Angela, who is this?
ANGELA
Oh, no-one, yaya. Just a
friend.
LYNN
A friend?!!
ANGELA
Yaya, this is Lynn. Lynn,
this is my grandmother...this is my brother Nick. This is Dimitri and [POINTING
TO NANA] this is an old family friend.
LYNN GREETS EVERYONE UNTIL SHE COMES TO NANA. SHE DOES A DOUBLE TAKE.
Excuse us, everyone. We need to have a little talk.
LYNN
What the fu...
ANGELA DRAGS HER INTO THE BATHROOM
BEN
Well, how is everyone for
drinks? Mrs Theolakis?
YAYA
Don’t worry. I get it myself,
thank you very much.
SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA AND POURS ANOTHER GLASS OF VODKA. NIKKOS SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO BEN.
BEN
So...Nick. How’s it doin’?
NIKKOS IS ABOUT TO SPEAK WHEN THE PHONE RINGS. BEN LOOKS AT IT AS IT CONTINUES TO RING. THE OTHER TWO LOOK AT HIM.
NIKKOS
Aren’t you going to get
the phone?
BEN
Not if I can help it.
BEN PICKS UP THE PHONE.
BEN
Hello...yes. [TO OTHERS]
It’s Stavros...Yes...okay, sure. [HANGING UP] His car’s broken down at
the petrol station. He wants someone to go get him.
THERE IS A LOUD SCREAM FROM THE BATHROOM. THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND LYNN RUSHES OUT WITH ANGELA FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND. SHE STOPS TO GLARE AT THE REST OF THEM, ESPECIALLY HAL THEN STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR.
ANGELA
Well...she seemed to take
that quite well.
BEAT. ANGELA RUSHES OUT SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.
BEN
Well...uh...excuse me just
a moment. I need an aspirin. I’ve got a bit of a headache.
BEN AND HAL BOTH MAKE FOR THE BATHROOM BUT BEN BEATS HIM, SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT. NANA FACES THE OTHERS, SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT.
YAYA
Nikkos?
NIKKOS
Yes, yaya?
YAYA
Go get your brother.
NIKKOS
Yes, yaya.
NIKKOS EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. HAL LOOKS AT YAYA THEN JOINS HER ON THE SOFA. SHE EYES HIM WARILY.
YAYA
[GREEK] So...this marriage.
You are excited? It’s good for the family. Your cousin is a good boy, I
think.
HAL JUST SITS THERE, SMILING.
YAYA
Are you alright?
HAL
Oh...yes...thank you.
YAYA
Oh, that’s right. I forgot.
You don’t like to speak Greek.
HAL
I don’t?
YAYA
You get homesick.
HAL
I do? I mean...I do!
YAYA
I was saying it is exciting...about
this wedding. You cousin...he’s a good boy. A little strange...but a good
boy.
HAL
He’s a treat.
YAYA
Where are you from?
HAL
Er...Greece?
YAYA
I know that but where? What
is [GREEK] your village?
HAL IS STILL PUZZLED.
Your village?
HAL
Oh ..it’s a little village.
You never would’ve heard...
YAYA
Oh, you come from Athens.
HAL
[SURPRISED] Athens! That’s
right!
YAYA
I forget. Stavros read it
to me from...Woman’s Day.
HAL
Yes...Athens...that’s it.
YAYA
You know, my husband, he
knew everything there was to know about you. He was always telling me.
HAL
That’s nice.
YAYA
As if I wanted to know.
[GREEK] Athenians...wankers! [PAUSE] How old are you?
HAL
I think I need a drink.
HAL GETS UP AND POURS A LARGE GLASS OF VODKA.
YAYA
Oh, Stavros told. I forgot.
Er...he says you were born in...when was it? Oh, that’s right...1936.
HAL
[ALMOST THROWING UP HIS
DRINK] 1936? Whoa!
YAYA
Yes...you’re quite old,
aren’t you?
HAL
And aging by the minute.
YAYA
You don’t look that old.
HAL
Er...thank you.
YAYA
Ay...I suppose it’s all
those face lifts. You’re so famous you can afford them. Still...I don’t
think they did such a good job.
HAL
Thanks a bunch. [UNDER HIS
BREATH] You old slag.
YAYA
Ti? Excuse me?
HAL
Nothing.
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. SHE LOOKS AT HIM. HE DOESN’T MOVE AT FIRST. FINALLY HE STANDS BEHIND THE DOOR, TAKES A BIG GULP FROM HIS DRINK THEN OPENS IT AND PEAKS AROUND. STAVROS STANDS THERE DUMB-FOUNDED.
STAVROS
Oh...my god...I mean, excuse
me...I...er...
YAYA
She’s had a face-lift.
STAVROS
I don’t know what to say.
YAYA
But it didn’t work too good.
STAVROS
Yaya! You’ll have to forgive
my Grandmother. [TO YAYA THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] She should be in a home.
My name is Stavros. It’s a great pleasure meeting you. Really. Such a thrill.
[TAKING HER HAND] Wonderful. You know, you’re nothing like your pictures.
YAYA
It’s the face-lifts.
STAVROS
Yaya! This is a most wonderful
day. I can’t think what to say? Words fail me.
YAYA
It hasn’t stopped your mouth.
STAVROS
But please sit down. You
shouldn’t be answering doors. Anywhere. You would have servants to do it.
Here, you sit here. Would you like a drink?
YAYA
[GREEK] A little juice would
be nice.
HAL
Oh please....
STAVROS
It’s no trouble. Oh, my
God. This is so exciting.
HE TASTES THE PUNCH, WINCES THEN POURS IN SOME OUZO CONTINUING TO LOOK AT HAL. HE SUDDENLY REALISES HE HAS POURED IN THE WHOLE BOTTLE. HAL LOOKS ON SCARED STIFF. STAVROS HANDS A GLASS OF PUNCH TO HAL AND SITS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, OPENING HIS SHIRT TO SHOW HIS MASSIVE CHEST AND MEDALLIONS. YAYA SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE WAITING FOR HER DRINK. THEY BOTH LOOK AT HAL, YAYA SUSPICIOUSLY; STAVROS IN AWE. AFTER A LONG PAUSE.
STAVROS
Er...how was your trip?
HAL DRINKS THE PUNCH AND ALMOST CHOKES ON THE OUZO.
HAL
Oh...er...fine.
STAVROS
We wanted to give you a
big welcome but Dimmi said you wouldn’t want a crowd at the airport. Ay...he’s
use to having a famous cousin...but this is all new to us, I tell you.
YAYA
Not to me.
YAYA GETS UP TO POUR ANOTHER VODKA, DRINKS IT AND STARTS TO FALL ASLEEP STANDING UP.
STAVROS
You know. You’re even prettier
than your photos. I hope I’m not being too forward but you know...I’ve
never said these things before to a woman.
HAL
Oh, I’m sure you have.
STAVROS
Oh...to girls, yeah...thousands...but
not to a mature woman. One who looks like she’s been around a bit.
HAL
What?!
STAVROS
Oh...I don’t mean like that.
I mean...a woman who has lived.
HAL
You know, you look just
like your brother.
STAVROS
A lot of people say that.
I don’t see it, myself. But let’s not talk about him. Let’s talk about
us.
HAL
Us?
STAVROS
Of course, us. You know
I’ve dreamed about this moment for months.
HAL
You have?
STAVROS
Yaya?
YAYA
What?
STAVROS
[GREEK] Out, out. Don’t
you have something to do?
YAYA
What? Where I’m gonna go?
I’m here.
STAVROS
[MOVING IN CLOSER TO HAL]
You know, when I first saw you at the door I could tell there was something
special between us.
HAL
Oh, really?
STAVROS
The way you looked when
I first came in.
HAL
Oh, I always look like that.
STAVROS
Maybe...but there’s something
more.
STAVROS PUTS HIS HAND ON HAL'S THIGH.
HAL
I think, maybe, you’re getting
a little carried away.
PUTTING HIS HAND BACK.
STAVROS
Of course I am. But I can’t
help it. You’re so beautiful. There’s something in your eyes.
HAL
Probably a cataract.
STAVROS
No...it’s a burning. A longing.
One even you can’t deny.
HAL
My...[TRYING TO GET UP]
Isn’t it getting hot in here?
STAVROS
[PULLING HIM BACK DOWN]
I know what you’re thinking.
HAL
You couldn’t possibly know
what I’m thinking.
STAVROS
You’re worried. You’ve got
to make a decision.
HAL
I have? What about?
STAVROS
Him.
HAL
Him?
STAVROS
Yeah! You know, you don’t
need to keep anything from me.
HAL
Who’s him?
STAVROS
Your husband, of course!
HAL
My husband?
STAVROS
Back in Greece.
HAL
Oh...that husband.
STAVROS
But you don’t have to worry?
HAL
I don’t?
STAVROS
We’ll send him a telegram.
Tell him it’s finished. That he can’t come between us. That we’re deeply
in love.
HAL
We are?
STAVROS
Of course. You must’ve felt
it.
HAL
Felt what?
YAYA WAKES UP AND DIPS HER VODKA GLASS INTO THE PUNCH BOWL.
STAVROS
The passion between us.
The promise of things to come. Please. Don’t deny your yearning. It’s something
neither of us can fight.
HE LUNGES AT HER ACROSS THE SOFA JUST AS BEN COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND ANGELA COMES IN THE FRONT DOOR. THEY LOOK AT STAVROS AND HAL. YAYA GULPS HER DRINK THEN DROPS DOWN DEAD.
ANGELA
So...anything happen while
I was out?
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
LIGHTS COME UP ON THE APARTMENT. ANGELA SITS ON ONE END OF THE SOFA AND LYNN SITS UP THE OTHER END. LYNN GLARES AT ANGELA.
ANGELA
I’m glad you came back.
I thought you’d left for good. [PAUSE] Well?
LYNN
I’m not talking to you.
THEY SIT THERE FOR A FEW MORE MOMENTS.
Whose idea was it, anyway? Yours?
ANGELA
I thought you weren’t talking
to me.
LYNN
Don’t get cute. You slam
a door in my face. You pretend you don’t know me. You lock me in the loo.
You’re gonna marry a gay guy just to get some money. You don’t call me
for weeks. And...I’ve almost forgotten what our sex life was like. [PAUSE]
Well...was it?
ANGELA
What?
LYNN
Your idea?
ANGELA
Partly.
LYNN
Oh really?
ANGELA
Okay, okay. It was all my
idea. But I couldn’t do it alone, could I?
LYNN
And since when have you
needed help with anything? You don’t need to do it at all.
ANGELA
I just want what’s mine.
You know, I thought you and I could use the money. Go on a holiday or something.
LYNN
I don’t care about holidays
or money. You’re the capitalist, remember?
ANGELA
I know. I know. Don’t start
on about the oppression of the working class again. I’ve heard it. Your
family lives in Double Bay, Lynn. You drive a BMW.
LYNN
That’s a gift from my parents.
ANGELA
You could always sell it
and give the money to the poor.
LYNN
And how do I get around?
ANGELA
Take a bus.
LYNN
Look, I can feel for the
poor without having to sit next to them.
ANGELA
And I can’t help it if my
family’s well off either, can I?
LYNN
Yes, you can. You can give
some of it away.
ANGELA
I keep telling you, it’s
not mine to give. I don’t see any of it. My brothers run the business.
I get a pitiful allowance every month. You know that. [ANGELA STARTS GETTING
ROMANTIC] This is the only way I could think of at least getting hold of
my share.
LYNN
[PUSHING HER AWAY] It’s
obscene. Getting married for money.
ANGELA
It’s a good plan.
LYNN
You really believe that?
ANGELA
No...but if I say it enough
I might convince myself.
LYNN
And this is all for us,
is it?
ANGELA
Of course it is. What...you
think it’s been easy? Believe me, it’s been a nightmare.
LYNN
Oh, don’t start playing
the victim, now. I know you too well. [PAUSE] You haven’t had some curse
put on you, have you? I mean, you’re not really a closet straight or something.?
ANGELA
I’m not even gonna dignify
that with a reply.
HAL STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE BATHROOM DOOR. THEY LOOK AT HIM. HE GIVES A SMILE. THEY LOOK AWAY, DISGUSTED.
I’m gonna check on my grandmother.
SHE GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. HAL SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA NEXT TO LYNN WITH A GLASS OF PUNCH. AFTER A LONG PAUSE.
HAL
It wasn’t my idea.
LYNN
I know that.
HAL
She’s doing it for you,
you know.
LYNN
Oh really?
HAL
So I believe.
LYNN
And what do you get out
of it?
HAL
Nothing really.
LYNN
How much?
HAL
A third.
LYNN
[SARCASTIC] A third? Sounds
nice. You know what’s gonna happen when they find out?
HAL
I’m trying not to think
about it.
BEN COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM.
LYNN
Is she alright?
BEN
Fine. She just fainted,
that’s all. You know, I think she’s been drinking.
HE SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA BETWEEN THEM
So...[TO HAL] She knows everything?
LYNN
Pretty much.
BEN
Oh.
LYNN
Well...what’re you going
to do now?
HAL
My first option is to kill
myself.
BEN
What d’you mean?
LYNN
Well, now that you’re not
going through with it?
BEN
What are you talking about?
Of course we’re still going through with it. This is just...a little hiccough,
that’s all.
LYNN
You call Angela’s grandmother
almost dropping dead a little hiccough?
BEN
But she’s not dead. She’s
okay.
LYNN
You’re all mad. I gotta
use the bathroom.
LYNN GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AS NIKKOS COMES IN THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING AGITATED.
NIKKOS
Where’s Stavros?
BEN
In the bedroom with Angela
and your grandmother.
NIKKOS
Shit.
BEN
Why? What’s the matter?
NIKKOS
Have you had a look outside?
BEN
No. Why?
NIKKOS
Oh...no reason. It’s just
the entire Greek-Australian press on your footpath.
HAL & BEN
What?!!
NIKKOS
Yep.
BEN
Oh my God!
BEN RUNS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT. THERE IS A BLAZE OF FLASHBULBS AND THE SOUND OF A CROWD. HE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.
Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s true. They’re all out there.
HAL
Christ!
ANGELA COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM.
ANGELA
What the hell’s going on?
Yaya’s trying to sleep. What’s all the noise?
NIKKOS
There’s a whole lot of press
camped outside the front door
ANGELA
Press? No-one invited the
press. [PAUSE] Stavros. I’m gonna kill that bastard. I told him I didn’t
want any...
THERE IS BANGING ON THE FRONT DOOR. THEY ALL LOOK.
NIKKOS
Er...should I get the door?
ALL
No!!!
MORE BANGING. THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND LYNN COMES OUT. THE BANGING CONTINUES. LYNN LOOKS AT THEM ALL. THEY ALL LOOK AWAY. LYNN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. DRAMATIC MUSIC AND LIGHTING AS MRS THEOLAKIS STANDS THERE CARRYING A LARGE BOX. HAL PULLS A COAT OVER HIS FACE.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Let me guess. Everyone’s
deaf, ay? I’ve broken every bone in my hand.
NIKKOS
Hello, ma.
SHE GIVES THE BOX TO NIKKOS WHO PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Where’s your brother?
ANGELA
He’s in the bedroom with
yaya.
MRS THEOLAKIS
What are they doing in the
bedroom?
ANGELA
She needed to lie down for
a bit.
MRS THEOLAKIS
She needs help to lie down?
Nick?
NIKKOS
Yes ma?
MRS THEOLAKIS
Who are all those people
outside? I had to hit two of them on the stairs.
NIKKOS
They’re reporters, ma.
MRS THEOLAKIS
What are they doing here?
NIKKOS
Stavros told them to come
along.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Your brother is an idiot.
ANGELA
Tell us something we don’t
know.
SHE FINALLY NOTICES HAL WITH THE COAT OVER HIS FACE.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Who’s that?
ANGELA PULLS THE COAT OFF HAL.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Oh my God! It’s her. [BEAT]
Why does she have a coat on her head?
BEN
She’s got jet lag.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Jet lag makes you put a
coat on you head?
BEN
Mrs Theolakis, I’d like
you to meet my cousin. Cousin Nana, this is Angela’s...
MRS THEOLAKIS
Please, Dimmi. I know who
it is. [SHE RUSHES TO SIT DOWN NEXT TO HAL AND SPEAKS IN GREEK] Hello....it’s
so nice to meet you. How was your flight? Did you fly Olympic? Was it good?
NANA JUST SITS SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT.
What’s the matter? Is something wrong?
ANGELA
Cousin Nana, aren’t you
going to answer my mother?
HE IS UNSURE WHAT TO SAY. ANGELA AND BEN ARE TRYING TO MOUTH THE WORDS FOR HIM AND HE IS COPYING THEM BADLY.
HAL
[GREEEK] Go shit yourself.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Ti?!!
HAL
[UNDER HIS BREATH TO ANGELA]
What the fuck’s she talking about?
BEN
Oh...Mrs Theolakis, I’m
sorry. I forgot to tell you. My cousin isn’t speaking. She is trying to
preserve her voice.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Her voice? For what?
ANGELA
A telethon.
MRS THEOLAKIS
A telethon?
NIKKOS
It’s to raise money, ma.
MRS THEOLAKIS
I know what is a telethon.
To raise money for what?
BEN
For goats/
ANGELA
An earthquake.
BEN
An earthquake/
ANGELA
For goats.
THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
It’s a telethon back home in Greece. There...er...was a big earthquake. Caused...er...by...um....
BEN
Goats...lots of goats. Running
through the cities. Terrible, rabid goats. Eating babies...
ANGELA HITS HIM.
MRS THEOLAKIS
[GREEK] What is this crap?
ANGELA
Anyway she’s trying to save
her voice.
BEN
That’s right. Save her voice.
MRS THEOLAKIS RAISES HER EYES TO HEAVEN. SHE NOTICES LYNN.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Who’s this?
ANGELA
She’s...er...
BEN
The plumber.
MRS THEOLAKIS
A plumber? But she’s a girl?
ANGELA
Ma...these are the nineties.
MRS THEOLAKIS
What do we need a plumber
for?
BEN
The...er...plumbing?
MRS THEOLAKIS
Was I suppose to laugh now?
ANGELA
Anyway, she’s almost done.
Aren’t you?
ANGELA PUSHES LYNN, PROTESTING, INTO THE BATHROOM AND HOLDS THE DOOR HANDLE BEHIND HER.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Nick, you should sit down.
You look tired. That’ll teach you for staying out all night.
NIKKOS
Yes ma.
HE SITS NEXT TO HAL. MRS THEOLAKIS LOOKS AGAIN AT NANA.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Excuse me. I’m going to
check up on yaya.
MRS THEOLAKIS PICKS UP THE BOX AND GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. LYNN BURSTS OUT FROM THE BATHROOM.
LYNN
If you think I’m gonna stay
in there one more minute, you’ve got another thing coming.
ANGELA
Oh...have you finished the
plumbing? Let’s take a look.
LYNN
What?
ANGELA PUSHES HER BACK INTO THE BATHROOM AND FOLLOWS BEHIND.
BEN
Would anyone like a drink?
I know I would.
BEN GOES PAST THE FRONT DOOR. OUT OF CURIOSITY HE OPENS IT. FLASH BULBS GO OFF. HE CLOSES THE DOOR AND POURS HIMSELF A DRINK. NIKKOS LOOKS AT HAL AND SMILES. THEY BOTH LOOK AWAY. SUDDENLY A LOOK OF HORROR COMES OVER HIS FACE. HE LOOKS BACK AT HAL. HE JUMPS OFF THE SOFA.
Nick...are you alright?
NIKKOS
Er...I’m...er...fine. I
need to...go to the bathroom.
HE RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR AND OPENS IT. HE LOOKS IN, PAUSES, THEN CLOSES THE DOOR AGAIN AND STEPS BACK DOWN, DAZED.
NIKKOS
Dimmi, I think I’d like
that drink if you don’t mind.
BEN
Sure. Is everything okay?
NIKKOS
I’m not sure. I think I
just saw my sister.
BEN
So?
NIKKOS
She was...er...
BEN
What?
NIKKOS
She was...er...kissing the
plumber.
BEN
[COLLAPSING ON THE SOFA]
What!!??
NIKKOS
I think I need some air.
HE RUSHES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT, FLASH BULBS GO OFF. HE CLOSES THE DOOR, GOES TO THE BEDROOM DOOR.
MRS THEOLAKIS
[OFF] Nick...out!
HE CLOSES IT, RUNS TO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, BECOMES FLUSTERED AND FAINTS. ANGELA AND LYNN RUSH OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
HAL
Well, this is just beautiful.
LYNN
What happened?
BEN
I think the shock of seeing
his sister in a lip lock with the plumber got a bit much for him.
ANGELA
Oh, Jesus.
THEY DRAG HIM ON TO THE SOFA. HIS HEAD IS IN HAL'S LAP
LYNN
Is he okay?
HAL
He’s coming round.
NIKKOS STARTS COMING TO. HE LOOKS UP AT HAL’S FACE.
NIKKOS
Oh, fuck.
HAL
Thanks.
ANGELA
Well, I’m shocked. That’s
the first time I’ve ever heard him use words like that. It’s always the
quiet ones.
LYNN
Oh, shut up, Ange. Are you
alright?
NIKKOS
I...think so.
BEN
Of course he is. I’ll bet
he’s used to being in that position.
THEY ALL LOOK AT BEN. NIKKOS SITS UP.
NIKKOS
Is someone going to tell
me what’s going on?
ANGELA
You’ve got a lot of nerve.
NIKKOS
What are you talking about?
ANGELA
Why didn’t you tell me you
were gay?
NIKKOS
[JUMPING UP] What?!
ANGELA
Don’t deny it.
NIKKOS
I’m not gay.
BEN
Let me guess. Another episode
of "Boy, I must have been drunk last night. I don’t remember a thing?"
NIKKOS
I was drunk last night.
ANGELA
Not that drunk, surely.
BEN
I thought you went home
with the stripper last night.
NIKKOS
Yeah, I...
BEN LIFTS HAL’S WIG UP. HAL PULLS HIS GLASSES OFF AND BLOWS A KISS. BEN DROPS THE WIG BACK ON AGAIN AND HAL RESTORES HIS GLASSES.
NIKKOS
[HEAD IN HIS HANDS] Oh,
shit.
ANGELA
Are you still not gay?
NIKKOS
Why didn’t you tell me you
slept with women?
LYNN
"A" woman.
ANGELA
Don’t change the subject.
How do you think papa would’ve felt, knowing he had a wuss for a son?
NIKKOS
I don’t know.
ANGELA
You think you would’ve gotten
your share of the family business, then?
NIKKOS
You mean that’s why you’re
getting married? [ANGELA NODS] Did papa know about you sleeping with...?
[HE POINTS TO LYNN. SHE NODS AGAIN] What a pig!
ANGELA
Nick, Nick...let’s you and
I go talk in the bathroom. Excuse us.
ANGELA AND NIKKOS GO INTO THE BATHROOM.
HAL
That’s gotta be the most
popular toilet in the country.
HAL GOES TO THE PUNCH BOWL AND FILLS HIS CUP AGAIN AS MRS THEOLAKIS COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Where’s Nick and Angela?
LYNN
They’re in the bathroom.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Together?
BEN
Er...it’s fixed now.
MRS THEOLAKIS
But still...together? My
children are crazy. I hope Dimmi, you and Angela don’t end up with crazies
for kids.
HAL
Any kids they have will
end up dribbling against mini-bus windows.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Are all those people still
outside?
BEN
I think so. Is your mother
still asleep?
MRS THEOLAKIS
Please! She is my late husband’s
mother.
LYNN
She looks just like you.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Don’t insult me. Yes, she’s
asleep but with all the noise out here, I don’t know how. Though your cousin
is very quiet. Most show business people I hear about always talking. Especially
about themselves.
BEN
My cousin’s very shy.
HAL IS NOW DRINKING DIRECTLY FROM THE BOTTLE. BEN TURNS TO SEE HIM.
Would you like a drink?
MRS THEOLAKIS
No, thank you. I don’t drink.
I’ll just have some of that punch.
BEN
Sure.
BEN TRIES TO PULL THE BOTTLE FROM OUT OF HAL’S HAND. HAL GIVES IT UP BUT TAKES A GLASS OF PUNCH AND STAGGERS OVER TO THE SOFA. STAVROS COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Stavros, what time is the
papas coming?
STAVROS
Who?
MRS THEOLAKIS
Papas Konstantine. The priest?
STAVROS
The priest?
MRS THEOLAKIS
You did ask him to come
along?
STAVROS
I...er...
MRS THEOLAKIS
You forgot, didn't you?
STAVROS
No...I....
MRS THEOLAKIS
He forgot! Stavros, you're
an idiot! What are you?
STAVROS
An idiot, ma?
MRS THEOLAKIS
It's not a trick question.
How we gonna have a wedding without a priest?
STAVROS
I just forgot!
MRS THEOLAKIS
Make yourself useful. Go
get rid of all those people outside then go and get the papas.
STAVROS
But ma....
MRS THEOLAKIS
Do it!
STAVROS
Yes, ma.
STAVROS IS ABOUT TO EXIT BUT GOES BACK TO HAL.
I'm sorry about before. I
hope you’ll forgive...
HAL
[QUITE DRUNK] Why, certainmont,
mon cher.....
MRS THEOLAKIS
Stavros!
STAVROS
Yes ma! Sheesh, what a grouch.
STAVROS GOES OUT THE FRONT DOOR.
HAL
I can see where Angela gets
her cheerful disposition.
ANGELA COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
MRS THEOLAKIS
My children are killing
me. I have one son who would forget he had feet except when he opens his
mouth; another son locked in the toilet all the time and a daughter who
should be excited about the most important day of her life but may as well
be taking out the garbage.
HAL
[SLURRING] Oh come now,
Mrs Theo...Theo...nopolopolopolous. [LYNN TAKES THE PUNCH FROM HIM] They’re
young. They make mistakes.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Maybe.
HAL
You were young once...surely.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Now where’s Nick?
ANGELA
Still in the bathroom.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Why’s he still in the bathroom?
ANGELA
How should I know?
MRS THEOLAKIS
And why is the plumber still
here?
BEN
Oh...er. Gee I don’t know.
Angela? Why’s the plumber still here?
LYNN
If you think I’m gonna miss
this then...
ANGELA
Oh...I’ve asked her to stay.
She’s an old friend.
MRS THEOLAKIS
I’ve never met her before.
ANGELA
Of Dimmi’s. Isn’t that right?
BEN
What? Oh...yes. One of my
oldest friends. Aren’t you, Lisa?
ANGELA
Lynn.
BEN
Lynn.
HAL
I like Lisa better.
HAL GRABS THE GLASS BACK OFF LYNN AND HEADS FOR THE PUNCH BOWL.
Anyone care for another little drinky?
HAL IS NOW DIPPING HIS GLASS INTO THE PUNCH AS NIKKOS COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
And here we have the man of the hour. Hello Darling. Let me pour you one of these delicious blood clot daiquiris. Which one is he? You know I can’t tell ‘em apart. Oh, fuck it. Let’s sleep with ‘em both!
HE GRABS HOLD OF NIKKOS’ BELT AND STARTS THRUSTING AND LUNGING AT HIM. BEN TRIES TO JUMP IN BETWEEN.
BEN
Excuse me. My cousin’s a
bit under the weather.
BEN STARTS PUSHING HAL TOWARDS THE BATHROOM DOOR.
HAL
Come on, sweet-cheeks. Let
me be the meat in the sandwich!
BEN THROWS HIM INTO THE BATHROOM, FOLLOWS HIM IN AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. ANGELA SLUMPS ON TO THE SOFA.
MRS THEOLAKIS
His cousin seems to be getting
over her shyness.
LYNN
Ain’t she, though.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Nick. You’re still looking
a little pale. You should lie down.
NIKKOS
I’m okay, ma.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Of course. What am I? Just
your mother. What do I know?
THERE IS A SCREAM FROM THE BATHROOM. MRS THEOLAKIS RUSHES TO ANGELA’S SIDE.
Angela...you sure you wanna marry into this crazy family?
ANGELA
Of course, ma. Why wouldn’t
I?
MRS THEOLAKIS
You need any more reasons?
You’ve only known him four months. Not a long enough engagement. Your father
and I were engaged five years.
NIKKOS
What a thrill that must
have been.
ANGELA
Believe me, ma. Four months
with Ben is long enough.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Who’s Ben?
ANGELA
Er...did I say Ben? I meant
Dimmi. Yes, Dimitri.
MRS THEOLAKIS
But you hardly know anything
about him.
ANGELA
I know enough, ma.
MRS THEOLAKIS
The man has no other family
except a crazy cousin who use to be famous. I don’t trust nobody who don’t
have any family.
ANGELA
He’s okay, ma. Don’t worry.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Since when have I needed
to worry about you? You always did what you wanted. Even when you were
little. Always beating up your brothers.
BEN COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
Dimmi, you should hear this. Angela, when she was young, she beat up her brothers.
ANGELA
I didn’t! Well, Stavros.
But he’s an idiot.
MRS THEOLAKIS
So Dimitri, you watch out.
She’s got her bad side. One minute she’s so quiet...the next...oof! All
those fights with her papa. Boy oh, boy. You make her angry, you gonna
end up with a cutlery set in you back!
ANGELA
Ma, you’re exaggerating.
LYNN
I’m sure she’s not that
bad, Mrs Theolakis.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Are you married?
LYNN
No, but...
MRS THEOLAKIS
Trust me. I know what I’m
talking about. I know my daughter. [GREEK] She’s a wildcat.
ANGELA
Ma!
BEN
Don’t worry, Mrs Theolakis.
I think I can handle her.
ANGELA GIVES HIM A FILTHY LOOK.
Then again, I could be wrong.
MRS THEOLAKIS
You young people, you don’t
know what you got coming to you. It’s not gonna be plain sailing like you
think...
DURING THIS HAL WALKS DAZED, OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH HIS WIG BACK TO FRONT, UNSEEN BY EVERYONE EXCEPT NIKKOS WHO LOOKS AT HIM, STUNNED. HAL IS ABOUT TO WALK INTO THE BEDROOM, DOUBLES BACK AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. FLASH BULBS GO OFF. HE POSES, SHAKES HIS BACKSIDE AT THE CAMERAS, CLOSES THE FRONT DOOR, BLOWS A KISS AT NIKKOS THEN FALLS INTO THE BEDROOM.
MRS THEOLAKIS
There’s gonna be times when
you’re ready to tear each other to shreds. Someone’s gonna be right, someone’s
always gonna be wrong. But only one of you has to give way. That’s what
makes a marriage. Giving in. [TO LYNN] So...you’re a friend of Dimmi’s,
huh? You’re a pretty girl. Hasn’t some man caught your eye yet?
LYNN
No...not really.
MRS THEOLAKIS
That’s a pity. I mean...you’re
not ugly. What’s the matter? You know you better not leave it too long.
You’re no spring chicken. Men don’t like older women. Not when there’s
so many pretty young ones around. And I don’t think you can afford to be
too fussy.
LYNN
I think people put too much
emphasis on...
ANGELA
Well, that’s enough of that.
BEN
I think I better make some
coffee.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Dimmi? You sure the bathroom
is fixed now?
BEN
Yes, Mrs T.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Oh, thanks God. Excuse me.
Nikkos...go find your brother.
NIKKOS
Yes, ma.
MRS THEOLAKIS GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. NIKKOS COMES OVER TO ANGELA.
Angela...there’s one thing you didn’t tell me. What happens after the wedding?
ANGELA
What are you talking about?
NIKKOS
Well, when you’ve tied the
knot are you both gonna live here or what?
LYNN
Over my dead body.
ANGELA
No, of course not.
NIKKOS
Then what?
BEN
We’re gonna go away for
a little while on our honeymoon then after a month we get the marriage
annulled.
ANGELA
Ben goes his way, I go mine.
NIKKOS
Who’s Ben?
BEN
Me.
NIKKOS
Your name’s not Dimitri?
BEN
Er...not really.
NIKKOS
Well, at least you’re still
Greek.
THEY ALL LOOK AWAY.
He’s not Greek, either? [PAUSE] How’re you gonna get the marriage annulled?
ANGELA
We’ll just say the marriage
was never consummated. That Ben’s impotent or something.
BEN
Wait a minute. Why are we
saying I’m impotent?
ANGELA
Because one look at you
and they’ll believe it.
BEN
Did she just insult me?
LYNN
You get used to it.
BEN
I don’t want people thinking
I’m impotent.
ANGELA
What difference does it
make? They’re never gonna see you again. What do you care what they think?
BEN
But Stavros might come after
me.
ANGELA
Stavros is a wimp. He won’t
touch you.
BEN
Why can’t we say you’re
frigid or something? That’d be better.
ANGELA
Better for who? I still
gotta see my family.
BEN
But no-one’s asked you to
sleep with them!
ANGELA
Believe me, I don’t need
my family talking about me behind my back.
NIKKOS
And what’s gonna happen
with the dowry?
ANGELA
Shut up, Nick.
BEN
Dowry? What dowry?
LYNN
There’s a dowry?
NIKKOS
Sure.
ANGELA
Christ.
BEN
How much?
ANGELA
It’s not much. I would have
told you if it was worth anything?
LYNN
Nick, how much is it?
NIKKOS
Twenty thousand.
BEN
Twenty thousand....
LYNN
Dollars?
NIKKOS
Uh-huh. It was part of my
father’s will.
LYNN AND BEN BOTH LOOK AT ANGELA.
ANGELA
I didn’t think it was important
to mention it.
BEN
I’ll bet you didn’t.
LYNN
You were gonna keep it to
yourself, weren’t you?
ANGELA
I thought you didn’t care
about money.
LYNN
This isn’t money. This is
Twenty thousand dollars!
BEN
Wait a minute. Isn’t the
groom supposed to get the dowry?
NIKKOS
Normally yes.
ANGELA
But this isn’t a normal
wedding.
BEN
So the money’s legally mine
right?
NIKKOS
I guess so.
LYNN
Hang on a sec. If we’re
all in on this then I want a share.
BEN
How did you work that out?
LYNN
Listen...if I’m gonna keep
getting locked in a loo, I’m in on it, okay?
ANGELA
I thought you were a socialist.
LYNN
I am. We socialists share
everything. And like it or not I’m part of this, so I want my share.
THE BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND YAYA COMES OUT. THEY ALL TURN TO HER.
YAYA
Dimmi, there’s a naked man
in your bedroom.
BEN
There’s a what?
YAYA
A naked man. But he’s wearing
a bra. I need some air. I’m going for a walk.
SHE GOES OUT THE FRONT DOOR.
NIKKOS
I want a share as well.
BEN & ANGELA
What!!??
NIKKOS
Yep. The presents, the money...everything.
ANGELA
You’re crazy!
NIKKOS
You want me to tell ma about
your little scheme?
ANGELA
You want me to tell her
about you?
BEN
So, twenty thousand divided
by five. That’s...four thousand dollars each.
ANGELA
What five?
BEN
Me, you, Lynn, Nick and
the drag.
ANGELA
The drag doesn’t have to
know about the money.
BEN
But he’ll find out.
ANGELA
Only if you open that big
mouth of yours!
LYNN
This is becoming immoral.
NIKKOS
What do you mean "becoming"?
ANGELA
Why does he need to know?
I’m not gonna tell him.
LYNN
But he is part of the group.
ANGELA
What group? [POINTING TO
BEN] There’s just us.
BEN
You’re being greedy.
ANGELA
No I’m not. I just want
what’s fair. Lynn and Nick only have to play along with it so they should
get a share according to their level of participation.
NIKKOS
What?
ANGELA
That’s right. Benny and
I have already done the ground work. We’ve had to carry this for four months.
So by rights we should get more.
BEN
Well, I guess that sounds
fair.
LYNN
It would to you.
ANGELA
So we’ve been working on
this for four months. This is the fifth month. Divide that twenty thousand
by five....
LYNN
$4,000 still!
ANGELA
But deduct our four months
work at 4,000 a month, that leaves 4,000 divided equally by four. A thousand
a piece.
NIKKOS
That means...you two get
$9,000 each and we get.....
LYNN
Screwed.
MRS THEOLAKIS COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Nikkos, why are you still
here? I asked you to go find your brother.
NIKKOS
I’m just on my way. You
want me to go get yaya, as well?
MRS THEOLAKIS
What are you talking about?
I left yaya sleeping.
ANGELA
She went walkies.
MRS THEOLAKIS
And you didn’t stop her?
ANGELA
I’m getting married, ma.
I’ve got a lot on my mind.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Where’s she gone?
NIKKOS
She just walked out the
door.
MRS THEOLAKIS
And you didn’t stop her?
NIKKOS
You just said that.
MRS THEOLAKIS CLIPS HIM ACROSS THE EARS.
MRS THEOLAKIS
[GREEK] Idiot. Go! And don’t
come back until you find her.
NIKKOS GOES OUT THE FRONT DOOR.
[SCREAMING AFTER HIM] My children are killing me!
BEN
Mrs T? Would you like a
drink? You look tired.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Oh, thank you, Dimmi. At
least someone has manners around here.
THE BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND HAL COMES OUT, DRAPED IN ANGELA’S WEDDING DRESS. BEN SEES HIM AND PUSHES HIM BACK IN.
Where’s you cousin?
BEN
I think she’s just gone
for a little lie down. Still the jet lag, you know. Excuse [Cont'd] me
a minute.
BEN DARTS INTO THE BEDROOM.
MRS THEOLAKIS
I have to get this drink
myself? That’s okay. I got nothing better to do.
SHE GOES TO THE PUNCH BOWL AND POURS A GLASS. SHE TURNS TO ANGELA.
Angela!
ANGELA
What!? What’s the matter?
MRS THEOLAKIS
When are you gonna get ready?
Stavros has gone to get the priest. You haven’t got much time, you know.
ANGELA
You want me to put the dress
on? Mama, I’m only wearing that dress once and that’s tomorrow.
MRS THEOLAKIS
[GREEK] Little one ,
it's for the photographs. You and your new cousin. It’s not gonna kill
you. You wanna disappoint your mother more than usual, fine go ahead.
HAL, DRESSED AS NANA, COMES STAGGERING OUT OF THE BEDROOM AND SITS ON THE SOFA WHILE EVERYONE WATCHES. BEN ALSO COMES OUT WITH A BRUISED CHEEK.
Dimmi...you okay? What happened to your face?
BEN
I’m fine, thanks. I just
fell over...five times.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Angela...the bedroom’s free
now, I think. You go get changed.
ANGELA
Ma?
MRS THEOLAKIS
Do it!
LYNN
C’mon, honey. I’ll help
you.
ANGELA SMILES. THEY GO INTO THE BEDROOM. THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND STAVROS COMES IN.
BEN
Did you find your grandmother?
STAVROS
Huh?
BEN
You went looking for your
grandmother.
STAVROS
I did? I don’t remember
that.
MRS THEOLAKIS
That’s the other one, Dimmi.
Stavros?
STAVROS
Yes, ma?
MRS THEOLAKIS
Where’s the Papas?
STAVROS
I couldn’t find him, ma.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Are you telling me we not
gonna have no priest?
STAVROS
I...uh..
MRS THEOLAKIS
We’re having a wedding but
we don’t have a priest. [Greek] Good!
STAVROS
Sorry, ma.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Sorry ma?! This was all
your idea. “Let’s have another wedding for our famous cousin.” Ay...It
was a stupid idea anyway.
SHE HITS HIM ACROSS THE EARS THEN STORMS INTO THE BEDROOM. BEN GOES TO THE BATHROOM.
BEN
I gotta go to the loo.
STAVROS
Oh? It’s fixed now?
BEN
What? Oh, yes it is.
STAVROS RUSHES TO HIM.
STAVROS
Hey Dimmi, you let me go
first. I been running around so much I forgot to go. I’m bursting.
BEN
Sorry, Stavros.
BEN RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR.
STAVROS
Shit.
HE TURNS TO SEE HAL STARING AT HIM.
Are you okay?
HAL LOOKS AT HIM, STILL QUITE DRUNK BUT NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
I think I should apologise for before. I guess it was a bit forward of me. You forgive me?
HAL
Of course.
STAVROS
I couldn’t help myself,
you see. You’re a beautiful woman.
HAL
Thank you.
STAVROS
Yeah, beautiful. You’re
a lot older than me but that’s neither here nor there.
HAL
Really?
STAVROS
With some women there’s
a special glow they’ve got that shows they’ve lived. You’ve got that glow.
HAL
Have I?
STAVROS
Sure. You can’t hide it
behind all those face lifts.
HAL
Thanks.
STAVROS
So many women I meet these
days...ay...they’re always complaining that we men don’t know how to treat
a woman. I know they like a man to give them flowers and chocolates and
say sweet things into their ears. Well, I’m sorry but some men aren’t built
that way. And if you don’t, they make you feel guilty. They can’t understand
a man needs time to be alone. Or with other men.
HAL
Oh yes.
STAVROS
I don’t know why I’m telling
you this. I bet you think I’m an idiot.
HAL
No...Not at all.
STAVROS
It’s just that...well...you
make me feel so comfortable.
HAL
Oh...really.
STAVROS
Yeah. I’ve never talked
to a woman like this before.
HAL
Are all Greek men like you?
STAVROS
It’s something...about you.
I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
HAL
I won’t stop you if you
try.
STAVROS
There’s something almost...masculine
about you.
HAL
What?
STAVROS
Yeah. That’s it. You’ve
got something more. I can feel it.
HAL
Whenever you want.
STAVROS
But I’m not gonna make that
mistake again.
HAL
You won't?
STAVROS
You hardly know me. You’ve
got your husband and you love him.
HAL
Oh, fuck him!
HAL LUNGES AT HIM JUST AS BEN COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND MRS THEOLAKIS, ANGELA AND LYNN COME OUT OF THE BEDROOM. ANGELA IS IN HER WEDDING DRESS. THEY ALL ‘AAHHH’ AT THE DRESS THEN LOOK AT HAL AND STAVROS.
BEN
This is getting to be a
habit, Cousin Nana.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Stavros! Control yourself!
HAL
Oh, shut up you old dragon!
Can’t you see, we’re in love?
MRS THEOLAKIS
What?
STAVROS
We are?
HAL
Stavros...promise me first
dance at the wedding reception.
ANGELA
Er...that’s quite impossible,
Cousin Nana. You’re gonna be on your way home to Greece.
BEN
That’s right. Don’t forget
about the telethon.
HAL
What?
ANGELA
All those goats.
HAL
Goats?
ANGELA AND BEN GRAB HAL AND DRAG HIM DOWN STAGE.
ANGELA
Now what d’you think you’re
doing?
BEN
Are you trying to ruin everything?
HAL
I’m not doing anything.
I just want to stay for the wedding. Stavros wants [Cont'd] me to.
BEN
Who gives a shit?!
HAL
Hey, back off! You’re coming
between the love of a man and a woman.
ANGELA
What are you talking about?
HAL
Me and Stavros. Ampol, I
want you to be the first to know. I’m in love with your brother and if
he asks me I’m gonna marry him.
ANGELA
Oh really?
HAL
Yes really.
ANGELA
And what do you think’s
gonna happen on your wedding night when he sticks his hand up your dress
and finds more than he bargained for?
HAL
He won’t care. He says he
likes a masculine woman.
BEN
Not that masculine!
ANGELA
He’s gonna kill you.
HAL
No, he’s not. He loves me.
He told me so.
BEN
You’re screwing up all our
plans. We’re gonna lose the dowry, the presents, everything.
HAL
[SOBERING UP] Dowry? There’s
a dowry?
ANGELA KNEES BEN IN THE GROIN.
ANGELA
Big mouth!
MRS THEOLAKIS
Stavros. Come on. We’re
going home.
STAVROS
Aren’t we gonna wait for
the wedding?
MRS THEOLAKIS
There isn’t going to be
any wedding. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. If you think I’m gonna
let my daughter marry into this crazy family.....
LYNN
That’s right. There’s isn’t
going to be any wedding. Not while I’m around.
ANGELA
Lynn, will you....
LYNN
I’m sorry, Ange but there’s
no way I’m gonna let you go through with it.
ANGELA
You’re getting your share.
LYNN
You think that’s all that
matters to me? Money?
HAL
Hey, let’s not change the
subject. What about this dowry thing?
MRS THEOLAKIS
Angela, what’s she talking
about?
LYNN
I’m sorry Ange, but it’s
wrong. I guess the thought of all that money blinded me but not any more.
You’ve changed Ange. And I liked you better before.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Huh?
LYNN
Mrs Theolakis, this whole
thing’s a scam.
MRS THEOLAKIS
What?
LYNN
A scam. A fraud. Your daughter’s
not in love with Dimitri. She’s in love with me.
MRS THEOLAKIS
What?!!
LYNN
That’s right. She’s in love
with me. At least I think she is.
MRS THEOLAKIS
My daughter’s in love with...a
plumber?!!!!!
LYNN
I’m not a plumber. And his
name’s not Dimitri. It’s Ben.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Ben?
LYNN
Yes. They only decided to
get married for the wedding presents and her inheritance. He’s not even
Greek.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Not Greek?!!!
BEN SHAKES HIS HEAD. STAVROS STANDS UP.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Angela? Is this true?
BEN AND HAL LOOK ON EARNESTLY
ANGELA
[LONG PAUSE THEN FINALLY]
Yes, ma. It’s all true.
MRS THEOLAKIS
And you...in love...with
this girl?
ANGELA
[GIVING UP] Yes, ma. I am
in love with this girl.
ANGELA GOES OVER TO LYNN AND KISSES HER ON THE MOUTH. MRS THEOLAKIS LOOKS AWAY IN DISGUST. MRS THEOLAKIS TAKES A DEEP BREATH.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Stavros! We’re going home.
STAVROS
No, ma.
MRS THEOLAKIS
No, ma? You’re telling me
"no, ma"?
STAVROS
I’m staying here.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Why?
STAVROS
Because for the first time
in my life I think I’m in love.
HAL GASPS AND CLUTCHES HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH
MRS THEOLAKIS
Stavros, you fall in love
every month.
STAVROS
Always with bimbos. This
time I know it’s for good.
HE LOOKS AT HAL.
I’ve finally found a real woman.
BEN
Oh, my God.
ANGELA
Stavros, there’s something
we should tell you.
STAVROS
Don't try to stand in my
way, Angela. I know she’s a big star and I’m just a nothing but I don’t
care.
LYNN
Stavros, you better listen.
STAVROS
And there’s her husband
but if he causes any problems I’ll just have to have a little talk with
him.
BEN
Stavros...
STAVROS
No, it’s no good. I’ve made
up my mind. You two’ve got what you want. This is the woman I want to marry.
I know there are problems...
ANGELA
You’re damn right there
are!
STAVROS
But we love each other so
that’s all that matters.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Stavros, if you don’t stop
being silly I’m leaving and washing my hands of the whole lot of you.
STAVROS
Bye, ma.
STAVROS WALKS TOWARDS HAL AS THE MUSIC SWELLS. HE GRABS HOLD OF HAL AND DIPS HIM BACK INTO A BIG KISS. MRS THEOLAKIS’ NOSTRILS FLARE. SHE OPENS THE DOOR. THE FLASH-BULBS FLARE AS HAL’S WIG FALLS OFF.
MRS THEOLAKIS
Oh, my god! It’s...it’s...she’s...she’s
a he?
SHE CLOSES THE FRONT DOOR. HE LIFTS HAL BACK UP, LOOKS AT HIM AND SMILES. THEN HE NOTICES SHE IS WITHOUT HAIR. HE STAGGERS BACK IN SHOCK. THEY START ARGUING OVER EACH OTHER.
BEN
Mrs Theolakis, I can explain
everything. You see Angela had this idea.../
ANGELA
/Me?! It was your idea as
well. If you hadn’t said yes when I asked you to come to that stupid wedding/
BEN
So now it’s all my fault,
is it?/
LYNN
Listen guys....
ANGELA
/in the first place we never
would have gone through with this dumb plan/
BEN
If it’s so dumb then it’s
right up your alley/
LYNN
Hey, don’t call her dumb.
ANGELA
/I wasn’t the one who said
they had a famous cousin. Why in God’s name did you have to pick Nana Mouskouri
anyway?
BEN
/I’m sorry I couldn’t think
of anyone else. I’m not exactly expert/
LYNN
/Look, guys...shut the fuck...
MRS THEOLAKIS
[SCREAMING] Stavros!!!
THE WHOLE SET EXPLODES AND COLLAPSES AROUND THEM. THEY ALL STOP ARGUING AND LOOK AROUND. STAVROS, STILL IN SHOCK, STAGGERS TOWARDS WHAT IS LEFT OF THE FRONT DOOR AS MRS THEOLAKIS EXITS. HE STOPS AND TURNS TOWARDS THEM.
STAVROS
Does her husband know?
HE EXITS. THE OTHERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
LYNN
[AFTER A PAUSE] I’m going
home. I’ve got a head-ache. Ange, call me, okay?
ANGELA
Sure.
LYNN
You'll call?
ANGELA
I'll call.
ANGELA WALKS HER TO THE DOOR AND KISSES HER. LYNN EXITS. ANGELA TURNS TO SEE THE OTHER TWO STARING AT HER.
What are you two fucking staring at?!!!
THE OTHER TWO JUMP. ANGELA SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AND FLINGS HER LEG OVER ONE END OF THE SOFA. BEN AND HAL SLOWLY MAKE THEIR WAY BACK TO JOIN HER. THEY ALL STARE STRAIGHT AHEAD. BEN PUTS ON THE WIG, HAL TRYING TO FIND THE LAST REMNANTS OF HIS KISS AND ANGELA WITH HER HEAD IN HER HANDS.
HAL
So...about this dowry...
ANGELA HITS HIM. NANA MOUSKOURI
CAN BE HEARD SINGING “THE WHITE ROSE OF ATHENS.”
BLACKOUT.