Peter
Edmonds & Moria Limberis from the 1999 Out Cast Theatre production.
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Copyright © Steven Dawson 1992.
THE WHITE ROSE
First Performance
February 12th, 1992
Stables Theatre,
Sydney, Australia
Cast As Follows
| Ben | Peter Bodnar |
| Hal | Martin Reefman |
| Angela | Gia Carides |
| Stavros/Nikkos | John Mandoukos |
| Yaya/Mrs Theolakis | Jill McKay |
| Lynn | Mary-Ann Vale |
| Director | John Bashford |
| Set & Costume Design | Terry Ryan |
| Lighting Design | Shane Stevens |
| Stage Manager/Operator | Kaarin Dombrowski |
THE WHITE ROSE
THE PLAY OPENS WITH THE ENTIRE CAST ENTERING THE STAGE AREA ONE BY ONE IN A TRADITIONAL GREEK DANCE DRESSED AS PEASANTS, PRIEST, FISHERMEN, ETC. THEN TURNING THE DANCE INTO A FRENZY AND DISTRIBUTING DEBRIS TO INDICATE A BUCKS PARTY FROM THE PREVIOUS NIGHT. BLACKOUT AS THE ACTORS DISAPPEAR OUT THE THREE DOORS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE TWO ACTORS PLAYING HAL AND BEN.
LIGHTS COME UP ON THE LOUNGE ROOM OF AN APARTMENT THE MORNING AFTER. GRIEG’S MORNING SUITE CAN BE HEARD COMPLETE WITH BIRD NOISES OFFSTAGE. UPSTAGE ARE THREE DOORS. THE FRONT DOOR IS CENTRE, TO IT’S LEFT, A DOOR LEADING INTO THE BEDROOM AND TO THE RIGHT LEADING INTO THE BATHROOM. LEFT OF THE DOORS IS A SMALL KITCHEN AREA WITH TWO CORDS ON THE WALL FOR BLINDS. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM IS A SOFA, NEXT TO IT A SMALL TELEPHONE TABLE. ON THE SOFA LAY TWO BODIES COVERED OVER BY A LARGE DOONA.
THE DOOR TO THE BEDROOM OPENS AND NIKKOS STAGGERS OUT. HE HEARS ONE OF THE FIGURES SNORING. HE LOOKS OVER THE SOFA; SEES HAL; SMILES AND IS ABOUT TO TOUCH HIS HAIR WHEN THE PHONE BY THE SOFA RINGS. HE FREEZES THEN NERVOUSLY GRABS SOME CLOTHES AND STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR SLAMMING IT SHUT. HAL SITS BOLT UPRIGHT. HE LOOKS AROUND WIDE-EYED THEN SLOWLY SINKS BACK ON THE SOFA. HE REALISES THE PHONE IS STILL RINGING AND TRIES TO GRAB IT WITHOUT HAVING TO GET UP. HE FAILS AND ALMOST FALLS OFF THE SOFA.
HAL
What?! Oh...good morning...[PAUSE.
HE PICKS UP HIS WATCH FROM THE COFFEE TABLE] Good afternoon, then. [PAUSE]
I’m not sure. Probably still asleep, I guess. [PAUSE] No...that’s okay.
I’ll tell him... yes, I said I will. Bye.
HE HANGS THE PHONE UP AND COVERS HIS FACE WITH THE DOONA. THE OTHER BODY STIRS UNDER THE DOONA. HAL SLOWLY PULLS THE COVER TO REVEAL BEN HAVING AN EROTIC DREAM, CLUTCHING HAL’S FOOT SEDUCTIVELY AND GENTLY NIBBLING ON HAL’S TOES. HAL LOOKS OVER AT HIM.
HAL
If you’re gonna keep doing
that, at least tell me you love me.
BEN’S EYES POP OPEN. HE LOOKS AT THE FOOT IN FRONT OF HIM THEN UP AT HAL WHO GIVES A SMILE AND A LITTLE WAVE.
BEN
[EXTREMELY HUNG OVER] I
may cut my lips off.
HAL
Do that.
BEN
What are you doing here?
HAL
You mean on the couch with
you playing tonsil hockey on my toes or what am I doing in general?
BEN
Hal, not this time of morning,
please.
HAL
It’s afternoon. Not morning.
BEN
Thank you speaking clock.
What time in the afternoon?
HAL
12.30 in the afternoon....daylight.
BEN
[CLUTCHING HIS HEAD] Jesus
Christ!
HAL
Always the name dropper.
HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.
BEN
My head feels dreadful.
HAL
I’m not surprised.
BEN
I don’t even remember going
to sleep.
HAL
You didn’t. You passed out.
BEN
How come I end up sleeping
with you?
HAL
You got lucky.
BEN
[SUDDENLY HORRIFIED] Did
we...you know...er..?
HAL
No, of course we didn’t.
BEN
Good. That’s a relief. Then
why aren’t I in my bed?
HAL
I tried to throw you in
bed but there was another limp little body already in there.
HAL IS SUDDENLY HORRIFIED
Oh my God!
HE RUNS TO THE BEDROOM DOOR AND LOOKS IN. RELIEVED, HE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA TO MAKE COFFEE.
BEN
What’s the matter?
HAL
[NERVOUSLY] Nothing. Why?
BEN
You look like you’re gonna
have a cow.
HAL
I’m fine. Couldn’t be better.
HE STRETCHES TO SHOW HE IS OKAY AND ALMOST REELS OVER.
BEN
Great.
HAL
I think he’s gone.
BEN
Who?
HAL
The body in the bedroom.
BEN
Are you sure we didn’t do
anything last night?
HAL
Ben, honey. Trust me. [LOOKING
TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] I did not sleep with you last night.
BEN
Well, thank God for that.
HAL
And thank you so much. Maybe
it was a dream. I mean, I was a bit drunk.
BEN
What was a dream?
HAL
Nothing. Forget it.
BEN
I don’t even remember you
coming to the party. When did you get here?
HAL
Well, everyone was pissed
but I think it was just about the time you were wearing your underpants
on the outside of your trousers...nice fashion statement...and two big
guys were dancing to Zorba The Greek.
BEN
I don’t own any Zorba the
Greek.
HAL
I think it was BYO.
BEN
That’d be right.
HAL
Interesting crowd you hang
around with these days. I didn’t recognise a single face. And I could have
sworn I was in the middle of a Bucks Night.
BEN
You were.
HAL
Right. Then who were those
two jokers?
BEN
Stavros & Nikkos.
HAL
And who are Stavros and
Nikkos when they’re not straining their olives?
BEN
Well....by 3.30 tomorrow
afternoon they’ll be my brothers-in-law.
HAL
Your what?
BEN
I’m getting married.
HAL CHOKES ON HIS COFFEE. HE COMPOSES HIMSELF.
HAL
Uh-huh.
BEN
I was gonna tell you last
night.
HAL
Really?
BEN
Honest...only I got smashed
before you arrived. They all brought home-[Cont'd] made wine. You should’ve
gotten here earlier.
HAL
Well don’t worry ‘cause
now I’m way ahead of you. And who’s the lucky groom?
BEN
Me of course.
HAL
Then what’s the other groom’s
name?
BEN
There ain’t no other groom.
It’s a bride. And she’s a girl. [HAL GIVES HIM AN ODD LOOK] A real one.
HAL
Ben, sweetie, are you ready
for a shock?
BEN
What?
HAL
You’re gay.
BEN
No I’m not.
HAL
No?
BEN
I’ve never said I was gay.
HAL
You never said you were
a water buffalo either but some things we take for granted.
BEN
I’ve always considered myself
bisexual.
HAL
Oh really?
BEN
Yep.
HAL
Okay. Well, let’s look at
this. How many men have you had sex with in the past ten years?
BEN
A few.
HAL
What. A few hundred? A few
thousand? A few small republics, perhaps? Give it a rough estimate. At
least two hundred, okay?
BEN
I guess.
HAL
And how many women?
BEN
None.
HAL
Now don’t you think that
would indicate a trend?
BEN
Give me some coffee.
HAL
And is it also safe to assume
that I was the only person in the room last night who’s seen you dressed
up like Maria Venuti......sober?
BEN
I’ve never done Venuti in
my life. That’s your department. Callas yes, but Venuti...never!
HAL
My mistake. Must be the
moustache.
BEN
But that’s all in the past.
I’m always limiting myself. I need to broaden my horizons. Do other things.
HAL
Try developing a personality
first. You’ve done some pretty dumb things in your time but this definitely
rates a ten on the crap-ometer.
BEN
Maybe I just hadn’t met
the right girl.
HAL
If she exists she must be
tied up in a box in Iceland. Tell me, is this why you’ve been turning down
every invitation from your friends for the past four months? And why you
never return my calls? And why I never see you out?
BEN
I’ve been busy.
HAL
Like a rabid bunny, I bet.
Who’s the lucky bride to be anyway?
BEN
You don’t know her.
HAL
Try me.
BEN
Angela. Her name’s Angela.
HAL
Let me guess. She’s Greek,
right?
BEN
Yeah. Those guys last night?
They’re her brothers and cousins. They throw the Bucks party. It’s kinda
traditional.
HAL
Wait a minute. This isn’t
the
same Angela who works at your gym, is it?
BEN
[WORRIED] Oh...you know
her, huh?
HAL
Of course I know her, you
dork! I was the one who signed you into the club in the first place. I
don’t believe it. She’s a dyke!
BEN
Don’t call her that.
HAL
It’s true. Amongst those
nelly queens she’s the butchest thing there, although, that’s not too hard.
Okay...let’s cut out the bullshit. What’s going on? What are you up to?
BEN
Nothing.
HAL
No?
BEN
We happen to be incredibly
in love.
HAL
Meanwhile, back on planet
Earth....
BEN
It’s the truth.
HAL
Where’s your wallet?
BEN
On the telephone table.
Why?
HAL PICKS UP A PAIR OF SCISSORS, GOES TO THE TELEPHONE TABLE, PICKS UP HIS WALLET, LOOKS THROUGH IT AND TAKES OUT A CREDIT CARD.
BEN
What’s that?
HAL
Your American Express card.
If I don’t start getting some answers soon I’m gonna hit you where you
live.
BEN
Oh, don’t be ridiculous.
You think that scares me?
HAL HOLDS THE SCISSORS AGAINST THE CARD. BEN SCREAMS.
HAL
Bingo!
BEN STARTS CHASING HIM AROUND THE SOFA.
BEN
You evil bastard. You’d
do it too, wouldn’t you?
HAL
Does Ita Buttrose put an
“s” in banana? Now, what’s the story?
BEN
I told you. I’m in love
with her.
HAL HOLDS THE SCISSORS AGAINST THE CARD AGAIN. BEN SCREAMS AGAIN AND LUNGES FOR THE CARD BUT HAL ELUDES HIM.
BEN
Okay...I’m not in love with
her. But she’s growing on me.
HAL
So’s mould but you don’t
throw a veil on it and drag it down the aisle. Is she rich?
BEN
No, but her family is. Her
brothers own a couple of wrecking yards on the North Shore. [HE STOPS RUNNING]
But she doesn’t get a cent until she settles down and marries someone Greek.
It was in her father’s will.
HAL
But you’re not Greek.
BEN
I know that.
HAL
You don’t even have a foreski....
BEN
[LUNGES FOR HIM AGAIN] I
know that as well!
HAL
Then why do they think you’re
Greek?
BEN
Because I told them I was.
HAL
Why?
BEN
So I could marry Angela.
HAL
But why do you want to marry
her?
BEN
For the presents!
HAL IS STUNNED. HE STOPS RUNNING. BEN GRABS THE SCISSORS AND CARD FROM HIM.
HAL
For the what?!
BEN
Haven’t you seen those Godfather
movies with the big families? Whenever anyone gets married everyone gives
presents. Microwaves, VCR’s, fridges and freezers...and that’s not all.
They give out big envelopes stuffed with cash.
HAL
But they’re Italians.
BEN
Italians, Greeks; it’s all
the same when someone gets married. Angela and me, we went to a Greek wedding.
She needed a date and she couldn’t very well take along her girlfriend,
could she? So she asked me. All these people were eating, drinking, giving
presents and pinning money on the dress. It was incredible. I looked over
at Angela. She had this glazed look in her eyes when they were passing
over the dough and I knew she was thinking the same thing I was thinking.
HAL
I don’t believe this. You’ve
gone completely crazy. I knew it was only a matter of time but now I think
you’ve really flipped the big one.
BEN
What’s wrong? It’s perfect.
HAL
Perfect? It’s suicide. How
much do you know about these people? They could be axe murderers for all
you know. Ben, you’re gonna end up with concrete wedgies at the bottom
of Parramatta River. Has it ever occurred to you the family might find
out about you and Angina?
BEN
Angela...and how are they
gonna find out? The only other person who knows is you.
HAL
Is that the reason you asked
me to come along last night?
BEN
Kinda. I was gonna tell
you anyway but there’s been a bit of a complication.
HAL
What kind of complication?
BEN
Well, when Angela told her
family she was thinking of getting married, the mother threw a Linda Blair
on the spot. She doesn’t want her daughter marrying some poor unworthy
slob.
HAL
But you are a poor unworthy
slob.
BEN
Well, thank you all over
the place. I know that.
HAL
Then why’s she still letting
the two of you get married?
BEN
Because with Greeks it doesn’t
matter if you’re poor if you’re related to someone famous.
HAL
You’re not related to anyone
famous.
BEN
Yeah, well, I told them
I was.
HAL
Who?
BEN
Angela’s mother.
HAL
No. I mean who did you tell
them you were related to?
BEN
I told them I was the cousin
of...Nana Mouskouri.
HAL
[LAUGHING] Nana Mouskouri?
BEN
It’s the only famous Greek
I could think of besides Demis Roussos and I hate him. [SMILING] I showed
them that photo of you and me at last year’s Mardi Gras when you went as
Nana.
HAL
Well that’s just dandy.
BEN
They went berserk.
HAL
I’m not surprised. I look
better as Nana than Nana does.
BEN
I know you do. And you do
her so well. They were ecstatic I could be related to such a big star.
Especially when I told them she was coming to the wedding.
HAL
She’s coming to the wedding?
BEN
Of course not. Not yet.
HAL
What do you mean, not yet?
[REALISES HE IS GOING TO BE NANA] Oh my god! You’re not serious. You couldn’t
possibly be thinking what I think you’re thinking.
BEN
What’s wrong with it? Nothing’s
gonna happen. They won’t suspect a thing.
HAL
Oh really?
BEN
You’d be perfect for it.
You only have to appear for a few hours then make your apologies and escape.
HAL
Wait a minute. You are serious.
BEN
Of course I am.
HAL
No! Definitely not!
BEN
Why not? You’ve dressed
up as Nana before.
HAL
Yeah, but not for such a
public audience.
BEN
And I suppose walking past
half a million people in pumps during Mardi Gras is being a recluse?
HAL
That’s different. They never
get close enough to notice the big ankles and hairy knuckles.
BEN
You wouldn’t have to do
it for very long.
HAL
Ben...No! There’s no way
I’m getting myself killed just so you and your...fiancee can get your grubby
paws on fraudulent funds. Besides, hasn’t Anthrax got any Greek girlfriends
who can do it?
BEN
Angela, and that wouldn’t
be any good. Her family know all her friends and they’ll be at the wedding.
HAL
Then why doesn’t Angola
call it off? Say she’s not in love with you anymore or something.
BEN
Her name’s Angela and we
can’t back out now. It’s all been paid for. If we call it off Nikkos and
Stavros might pay me a midnight visit with a sledge hammer.
HAL
Well you’ve certainly gotten
yourself into one tight little spot this time, haven’t you?
BEN
If you’re gonna lecture
me....
HAL
And what happens if we get
caught? Besides the kneecapping, I mean.
BEN
We won’t get caught. It’s
fool-proof. And once the wedding’s over you can disappear.
HAL
That’s what I’m afraid of.
BEN
Please say you’ll do it.
HAL
Forget it.
BEN IS ABOUT TO PROTEST WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
HAL
Who’s that?
BEN
Probably Angela. I asked
her to come over today. We need to go over a few more things before the
wedding.
HAL
Like getting both your heads
examined.
BEN
You get the door. I need
to get changed.
HAL GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR. BEN DISAPPEARS INTO THE BEDROOM. HAL OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ANGELA ENTERS.
ANGELA
Harold...how are you? You
look great. Even though you haven’t been coming to my classes since God
was a boy, you tramp. So, has Benny told you about the two of us getting
married? Isn’t it wonderful? Who’d’ve thought it, huh? I certainly wasn’t
ready for marriage, I can tell you. But how can you dodge Cupid’s arrows
when he’s aiming for an arse this size, I always say.
BEN COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM IN A DRESSING GOWN. SHE GRABS ON TO HIS ARM.
Now, I know you and Benny are the best of friends and I could just smack his cute little cheeks for not wanting to tell you straight away but when you’re madly in love you don’t ever think rationally, do you? But I know you’ll be happy for him....for both of us because that’s the kind of loving friend you are...
BEN
Ange...he knows.
ANGELA
...and I just know you’ll
want...[BEAT] He knows? [HAL NODS] What? Everything? [HE NODS AGAIN] Bastard!
You could’ve at least stopped me. How’d it sound, though? Convincing?
HAL
Very.
ANGELA
So it bloody should! I’ve
been doing the same spiel to every one of my family and friends for the
past four months. Most of the time I think I’m on automatic pilot.
I got it out of a Barbara Cartland. Trust Babs to have the right touch
for any occasion. And how did you find out? Did big mouth over here spill
the beans. [TO BEN] You know if I wasn’t such a gentle little thing I’d
tear out your throat with a crochet hook.
SHE SITS ON THE SOFA
Did the garden gnome also tell you about our other little predicament?
HAL
He mentioned it.
ANGELA
And?
BEN
And he’s not going to do
it.
ANGELA
What!? Why not?
HAL
Call me old fashioned but
I’d like to keep breathing oxygen just a little longer.
ANGELA
It’s only for a few hours.
You don’t really have to do anything. I mean, it’s not as if they’re expecting
you to sing or anything. Just say hello to a few of them, shake a few hands
then leave. It’s a flying visit. They think you’re just dropping in on
the way home to a telethon.
HAL
A telethon?
BEN
An earthquake. Lot’s of
cripple goats and things.
ANGELA
Back in Greece. They have
lots of them. Everyone will understand.
HAL
I’m not sure I understand.
Look, I don’t know anything about Nana Mouskouri...or Greece. What if they
ask me questions? What’ll I say?
ANGELA
Don’t say anything. Just
say [GREEK] Hello. Hello.
HAL
Yud..zoo
BEN
Maybe we should say she's
got Laryngitis.
ANGELA
Yeah. Need to preserve your
voice.
BEN
Perfect.
HAL
But I don’t even look like
Nana.
BEN
Sure you do. You even said
yourself you do Nana better than she does.
HAL
That was before my life
was on the line.
ANGELA
They’re not gonna find out.
Trust me.
HAL
I think I’ve already heard
that one.
ANGELA
Maybe from Mr Potato Head
here, but from me it’s true.
HAL
And what am I suppose to
wear during all this?
BEN
Don’t worry. I kept all
your stuff from last year. It’s in the bag in my bedroom closet.
HAL
You’ve thought of everything,
haven’t you? But has it occurred to you they might have met Nana before?
It is possible, you know.
ANGELA
Believe me, they haven’t.
My family comes from a small village. The only time they’ve ever seen her
is on Australian telly and I think it’s been a while since she was on MTV.
HAL
Well, it doesn’t matter
either way because I’m not doing it.
BEN
You have to! If you don’t
go through with it the Brothers Grimm might give me a gentle tap on the
shoulder with a chainsaw. I thought you were supposed to be my best friend.
Have I ever asked you for anything if it wasn’t absolutely necessary?
HAL LOOKS AT HIM
Okay, so my record’s not good....
ANGELA
[HITTING HIM] Come one,
Hally. It’s not going to kill you. We need you desperately. If Nana doesn’t
show we have to call the whole thing off.
HAL
Can’t you just tell your
mother that you’re in love. Tell her Ben was having a little joke or something.
ANGELA
You don’t know my mother.
She ain’t got much of a sense of humour and there’s no way she’s gonna
let me marry Benny without Nana as part of the package. See, if I don’t
marry a Greek boy I don’t get no inheritance and if I don’t get no inheritance
then I don’t get to go away with Lynn and if I can’t go away with Lynn
then I’m personally gonna break every bone in Benny’s body because it was
his stupid idea we should go through with this wedding in the first place.
BEN
Oh, so now it’s my stupid
idea, is it?
ANGELA
Of course it’s your stupid
idea. What? You think I’ve enjoyed these past [Cont'd] four months draping
off your stumpy little forearms.
BEN
Well, I haven’t exactly
been doing it for my health either.
HAL
And what do I get out of
all this?
ANGELA
Well, we wouldn’t expect
you to do it without some reward.
BEN
Of course not. We’d be only
too happy to make some.....some gesture if you like. For your assistance.
ANGELA
And yet we know that no
matter what it is, you’d refuse it because it would compromise your strict
moral principles.
HAL
I want a third.
ANGELA
What!!??
BEN
You’re kidding.
ANGELA
A third?
BEN
Outrageous! We only want
you to put on a frock for a few hours.
ANGELA
We’re not asking you to
give birth.
HAL
A third. I get it or I walk
and you find yourselves some other schmuck to risk his life against those
pitbulls you call brothers.
THE OTHER TWO LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN BACK AT HAL.
BEN
Alright...a third.
ANGELA
Ben! I was thinking along
the lines of one of the toasters, myself.
HAL
Everyone has a price.
ANGELA
Well, sweetheart, you’re
priceless.
HAL
So when's all this farrago
happening?
ANGELA
Tonight. My family are coming
over to meet you at seven.
HAL
Tonight?!
BEN
Uh-huh.
HAL
Are you both crazy? I can’t
be ready by tonight. I’m gonna need a day just to...you know...psyche myself
into it.
ANGELA
We ain’t paying you a third
to psyche. Just put on a dress and wig.
BEN
And be Greek.
ANGELA
And be Greek.
HAL
I’m beginning to regret
it already and I haven’t even gotten into the frock yet!
ANGELA
You can’t back out now.
You’re in it up to those flabby little buns!
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
HAL
Who could that be?
BEN
How should I kno...
VOICE
[OFF] Dimitri? Hello?
ANGELA
Oh, shit! That’s my brother,
Stavros. I gotta hide. If he finds me here he’ll think I’ve spent the night.
HAL
So?
ANGELA
So...I come from a traditional
family. If he thinks I spent the night he’ll tell my mother and she’ll
call off the wedding. She still thinks I’m a virgin and that’s the way
I stay until I get married. That was also in my fathers will.
HAL
He sounds a caring man.
ANGELA
He was a pig! Why else would
he make me wait until I got married for my share of the business? He knew
I was a dyke. This was his way of getting back at me.
BEN
[PUSHING HIM TOWARDS THE
BEDROOM] You better get ready. Come on...the clothes and wig are in the
bedroom closet.
HAL
What’s the hurry? We’ve
got hours yet.
BEN
They can’t see you. Not
like this.
ANGELA
They’re expecting to see
Nana.
HAL
So tell ‘em she’s running
late.
MORE KNOCKING.
VOICE
[OFF] Dimitri? Are you there?
ANGELA
If she’s running late they’ll
expect her to hang around for the wedding.
BEN
You wanna have to sing at
the wedding?
HAL
Who the hell’s Dimitri,
anyway?
BEN
Never mind.
HAL
Who?
BEN
It’s me, okay. Now hurry
up and get ready.
HAL
Why’s he calling you Dimitri?
BEN
How should I know?! It’s
his pet name for me, I guess.
VOICE
[OFF] I can hear someone
in there. Hello?
MORE KNOCKING
ANGELA
Look, can we discuss this
later?
HAL
His pet name? How do you
get Dimitri from Ben?
BEN
It sounds more Greek.
HAL
You told them your name
was Dimitri, right?
BEN
No, of course not.
HAL
You did, didn’t you?
BEN
Yeah alright, so what? Where’s
the harm?
HAL
It’s getting to be one lie
after the other, isn’t it?
ANGELA
Don’t you start getting
moral, now. You’re the one selling his soul for a third of the cash. [PUSHING
HIM TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] Now move your arse!
HAL
I know I’m going to regret
this to my dying day...which could be any second now, I just know it!
BEN
That’s right, pet. Look
on the bright side.
THEY BOTH PUSH HIM INTO THE BEDROOM. ANGELA RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR. BEN HIDES HER BAG AND COAT THEN OPENS THE DOOR. STAVROS ENTERS.
STAVROS
Hey, Dimmi. Why’s it take
you so long to open the bloody door?
BEN
I was sleeping, Stavros.
I’m sorry. I didn’t hear the knocking.
STAVROS
But someone was talking.
I heard voices.
BEN
I talk in my sleep.
STAVROS
I heard two voices.
BEN
I do both parts.
STAVROS
Oh, right.
BEN
So, what did you want to
see me about?
STAVROS
Oh, big surprise! First
I gotta take a piss.
BEN
Oh...um...it’s broken.
STAVROS
What is?
BEN
The toilet.
STAVROS
Oh, well, I’ll just piss
in the sink.
BEN
Uh, there’s no water. It’s
all flooded. You better not go in there.
STAVROS
But...have you called a
plumber? You’ve got guests coming over.
BEN
Of course. They’ll be around
later.
STAVROS
Not too much later I hope.
Everyone will be here soon.
BEN
What’re you talking about?
I thought everyone was coming about seven.
STAVROS
Originally, yeah. But you
see, my grandmother’s quite old and she’s [Cont'd] always falling asleep.
Sometimes in the middle of talking she’ll drop off. It frightens the shit
out of people who don’t know. She looks dead, she’s so quiet. So we thought
it would be better to come early. Otherwise she’d fall asleep and that
wouldn’t be too good for our special guest to have a dead-looking grandmother
slumped over a chair, ay?
BEN
No, I guess not. What’s
the big surprise?
STAVROS
I’ll tell you in a sec.
First we gotta talk. Let’s sit down for a moment.
BEN
Sure. Do you want some coffee?
STAVROS
Great idea. I think I need
it after last night. But let me make it for you. The way you make it, it
tastes like bat’s piss!
BEN
Thanks. Go right ahead.
STAVROS ENTERS THE KITCHEN AREA AND STARTS TO MAKE THE COFFEE. BEN SITS ON THE SOFA.
STAVROS
You have a good time last
night? It was a wild night. My cousins really know how to turn on a Bucks
party.
BEN
They sure do.
STAVROS
In my family the Bucks night’s
almost as important as the wedding. It’s the last chance for the groom
to really enjoy himself. [HE LAUGHS] Before he’s tied down forever.
BEN
Right.
STAVROS
Yeah, it was a pretty good
night. My brother Nikkos only just got in as I was coming over. You know...just
between you and me, I think he went home [Cont'd] with the stripper last
night.
BEN
Well, that’s good.
STAVROS
Sure is. I was beginning
to worry about him.
BEN
Oh?
STAVROS
Yeah. I thought he’d never
find the right girl but when he came home this morning there was a gleam
in his eye I ain’t seen before so I think there’s hope...[SLYLY LAUGHING]
if you know what I mean.
BEN
Er...yes, I think I do.
STAVROS
Yeah. I can tell you this
now because we are almost brothers ourselves but Nikkos was always the
shy one. After a while you’ll get to know all our family. They’re good
people. They’re simple people but they can also be pretty stubborn. Tradition’s
very important to them. My father was very traditional. That’s why this
marriage for Angela is so important.
BEN
Oh.
STAVROS SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA NEXT TO BEN
STAVROS
She’s a very stubborn girl,
my sister. I probably don’t need to tell you this because you’ve seen it
already but when I think about the fights between her and my father...oooh.
Well, it’s just good to see she’s found someone at last. My father only
wanted what was best for her. That’s why he wouldn’t allow her her share
in the family business until she got married.
BEN
I see.
STAVROS
Yes. We’ve, my brother and
me, we’ve been running our wrecking yards for some years now and I can
tell you this because you’re almost family, [Cont'd] since our father passed
away we’ve built up quite a profitable business. Much bigger than he ever
dreamed of. We’ve got four yards and three are located in the best suburbs
of this city. Yeah, it’s been quite a successful expansion. But of course
a third of the business belongs to Angela when she marries and so we gotta
think about her. Marriage can be an important business as well, you know.
BEN
I know.
STAVROS
It’s a commitment to each
other. It’s love and honour. And...it’s sharing. Sharing’s everything in
a marriage. But sometimes a marriage runs it’s course and things start
to go wrong. The marriage breaks down and the two parties are gonna have
to separate. Not that I’m condoning divorce, you understand. My family
is totally against divorce. A man and woman must sort out their problems.
But that’s the traditional way and these are the nineties. We gotta be
more realistic. When a couple break from each other, some members of the
couple like to continue that sharing......right down to the family business
and there’s no way I’m gonna share my family business with that half of
the couple who decides he wants to call it quits!
BEN
I see.
STAVROS
Now, I’m not saying that’s
what’s going to happen with you and Angela. I just want you to know we
love our sister very much and we know you won’t disgrace the family or
my father’s memory by going into this marriage without giving some kinda
thought to what could happen.
BEN
Uh-huh.
STAVROS
And it’s even more important
to you of course this marriage shouldn’t break down.
BEN
Why’s that?
STAVROS
Because things could get
very bad for you.
BEN
Oh, really?
STAVROS
Yeah, of course. Very bad
indeed. You wanna know how?
BEN
Not really.
STAVROS
Sure you do. Because you’re
famous.
BEN
I am?
STAVROS
Sure. Well, not you yourself
personally but how many people can say they’re related to a big star? And
his very own cousin.
BEN
Oh.
STAVROS
Yeah. This is a very good
match. It’s gonna bring a lot of pride on our family. Just imagine. I’m
gonna be her cousin as well. It’s fantastic.
BEN
I really don’t think...
STAVROS
But you don’t have to worry.
BEN
I don’t?
STAVROS
Of course not. Your famous
cousin wouldn’t dream of letting her family involve itself in a divorce.
Did I tell you? I’ve got all her recordings.
BEN
Really?
STAVROS
Yeah. On eight track cartridge.
In my car. Marvellous.
THE DOOR OPENS AND NANA STICKS HER HEAD OUT, JUST AS STAVROS AND BEN ARE TURNING AROUND. SHE SEES THEM AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. STAVROS JUMPS UP.
STAVROS
Oh, my God! That was her,
wasn’t it? Shit, why didn’t you tell me she was here? You let me ramble
on. She must’ve heard everything I said.
BEN
I don’t think she....
STAVROS
She’ll think I’m cheap.
I’ve disgraced myself without being properly introduced. I could kill you!
THERE IS A LOUD KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR
Shit! That’s probably my family.
BEN
Aren’t they here a little
early?
STAVROS
Not at all. That’s my surprise.
We’re gonna have another wedding.
BEN
Who’s getting married?
STAVROS
Just you. But I thought
because your cousin couldn’t be here for the main wedding tomorrow we should
have another one here today so she wouldn't feel left out. It will be sort
of like a pre-wedding wedding.
THERE IS MORE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.
BEN
I don’t think you should’ve
gone to that sort....
STAVROS
Trouble. It’s no trouble,
believe me. It’s my pleasure. [MOVING TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] But I gotta
apologise to our guest. Is she coming out again?
BEN
[TRYING TO DRAW HIM AWAY]
Of course she is. She’s just a little nervous about meeting the family.
You know how it is. She’s probably just touching up her make-up.
STAVROS
Of course I understand.
[VERY INSISTENT KNOCKING ON THE FRONT DOOR] Ah shut up!!! Some people,
Dimmi, are so rude, you know?
STAVROS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA IS STANDING THERE DRESSED IN BLACK WITH GREY HAIR IN A BUN AND HOLDING TWO LARGE BAGS OF GROCERIES AND LOOKING QUITE ANGRY.
Yaya.
SHE SHOVES THE BAGS OF GROCERIES IN HIS HANDS
YAYA
I should have waited longer.
I’m sorry but my arms were falling off. [GREEK] Idiot! [SHE SLAPS HIM ACROSS
THE EAR] How are you, Dimitri?
SHE SHUFFLES INTO THE ROOM
BEN
I’m fine, thank yo...
YAYA
Is she here yet?
STAVROS
She’s in the bedroom touching
up her makeups. Where is everybody?
YAYA
Your mother’s coming over
later. She’s getting the dress. You sister, she disappeared as usual.
Your brother is down parking the car. There is never any parking in the
city. I don’t know, Dimmi, why you live here. It’s too crowded, it smells,
the people are rude and you have to walk miles from where you parked your
car which is probably gonna get stolen any way so I don’t know why you
bother. [TO STAVROS] Stavros, go help your brother. And don’t get lost
like you always do.
STAVROS
Yes, yaya.
STAVROS EXITS. YAYA SITS ON THE SOFA. BEN WATCHES YAYA WHO IS WATCHING THE BEDROOM DOOR.
BEN
Mrs Theolakis, can I get
you a drink?
YAYA
She’s in there? You sure
she’s coming out?
BEN
Just doing her hair. Would
you like something to drink?
YAYA
Oh, I don’t drink alcohol,
thank you.
BEN
I’m sorry. I forgot.
YAYA
A juice would be good. If
it’s not too much trouble.
BEN
Not at all.
YAYA
Or a Diet Coke!
BEN
I’ll see what I can find.
BEN GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA, FINDS A LITTLE BIT OF VODKA AND UNTHINKING HE POURS IT INTO A CUP. HE IS ABOUT TO HAND IT TO HER WHEN THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND ANGELA STICKS HER HEAD OUT. BEN SEES HER AND TRIES TO MOTION HER BACK IN WITH HIS HEAD. SHE MOVES TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA IS TRYING TO GET THE DRINK OUT OF HIS HAND.
YAYA
What’s wrong with you head?
BEN
Nothing. I just get a bit
of a twitch when I’m nervous.
ANGELA OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. YAYA TURNS TO SEE HER. BEN NERVOUSLY GULPS DOWN THE DRINK.
YAYA
Angela!
ANGELA
Yaya.
YAYA
What are you doing here?
You’re not suppose to be here.
ANGELA
I was just coming in. I
didn’t want to disturb you.
YAYA
Who you gonna disturb? The
dead? I’m just sitting here. That’s all.
ANGELA SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO HER.
What are you sneaking around for? Oooh! [GRABBING HER HEAD AND SHOVING UNDER HER SHAWL] It’s bad luck to see the groom before the wedding.
ANGELA
I wasn’t sneaking around.
And I’m not getting married til tomorrow.
YAYA
Hah! She thinks she knows
everything. You think you know everything.
ANGELA
Yaya, what’re you doing
here so early?
YAYA
Stavros has organised a
big surprise.
ANGELA
Oh yes?
YAYA
Neh. You’re getting married
today.
ANGELA
No, yaya. [Greek] Tomorrow.
I’m getting married tomorrow.
YAYA
Your mother has gone to
get your dress. You getting married today as well. [Cont'd] Oh, may God
not strike us down. Two weddings for the one person.
ANGELA
What’s she talking about?
BEN
Stavros decided to have
a pre-wedding wedding.
ANGELA
Why?
BEN
So we can be married in
front of you-know-who.
ANGELA
Who?
BEN
My famous cousin?
ANGELA
Oh. [REALISES. PANIC] Brilliant!
YAYA
I’m still a little thirsty.
BEN
Oh, sorry. I’ll get you
another drink.
YAYA
When is you guest coming
out?
BEN
I’m sure she won’t be too
long.
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Excuse me.
BEN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. NIKKOS ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE PUNCH BOWL, FRUIT JUICE AND ALCOHOL. HE LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY.
NIKKOS
Hello, Dimitri. How are
you?
BEN
Good thanks, Nick. You don’t
look so good though. Are you okay?
ANGELA
Don’t worry about him. He
always looks like that.
NIKKOS
I’m fine. Just a little
tired from last night, I guess.
YAYA
Now where’s your brother?
NIKKOS
He’s gone to get some ice,
yaya.
YAYA
You boys always running
around. I wish you’d stay in the same place.
NIKKOS
Dimmi, has everyone gone
from last night?
BEN
I certainly hope so. Did
you enjoy yourself, Nick?
YAYA
He not come home all night.
Cheeky boy.
NIKKOS
Yes, thanks. I just don’t
remember too much of it. What about your cousin? Is she here yet?
YAYA
She’s still in the bedroom.
ANGELA
Maybe you should hurry her
up!
BEN
Sure.
NIKKOS
Dimmi, is there anything
I can do?
ANGELA
Nick, why don’t you make
some of your extra special fruit punch?
NIKKOS
Sure.
HE PUTS THE BOWL AND BOTTLES DOWN IN THE KITCHEN AREA.
BEN
Thanks, Nick. I’ll just
be a moment.
BEN GOES TO THE BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCKS. THEY ALL WATCH HIM. HE WAITS FOR A FEW SECONDS.
Nana?
THERE IS NO RESPONSE. HE TURNS TO THE OTHERS.
I’ll just see what’s keeping her.
HE PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN SLOWLY, LOOKS BACK AT THE OTHERS. A HAND EXTENDS OUT AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE BEDROOM. THERE IS A CRASH AND LOUD ARGUMENTS COMING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. THEY ALL LOOK AT THE DOOR.
ANGELA
I think I need a drink.
SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA AND POURS A LARGE DRINK WHICH SHE GULPS DOWN. THE BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND BEN FLIES OUT, SLIGHTLY MESSED UP.
BEN
Sorry. She was just having
some trouble with a zipper. She’s coming right now. But she’s asked if
we’d close the blinds and dim the lights a bit. She’s got a touch of jet
lag and the bright light isn’t too good for her at the moment.
ANGELA
That I can believe!
BEN
Oh...and she asked me to
tell you all she only likes to speak English.
ANGELA
What?
YAYA
She doesn’t speak Greek?
BEN
Er...no. It makes her very
homesick. And when she goes to another country she only likes to speak
that language.
YAYA
What she homesick for? [GREEK]
Stupid woman!
BEN DIMS THE LIGHT SWITCH. ANGELA PULLS THE TWO CORDS ON THE WALL. THE LIGHTS DIM. HAL COMES SLOWLY OUT OF THE BEDROOM DRESSED AS NANA. HE LOOKS AT EVERYONE. ANGELA LOOKS AWAY AND DRINKS FROM THE BOTTLE.
BEN
And here she is. Everyone...I’d
like you all to meet my cousin. Cousin Nana, this is Angela’s grandmother.
NANA GOES TO SHAKE YAYA’S HAND.
HAL
It’s very nice...
YAYA
[YELLING] I know you.
HAL
[SMALL VOICE-NERVOUSLY]
You do?
YAYA
[TO OTHERS] I know her.
ANGELA
That’s impossible, yaya.
You’ve never met before.
YAYA
My husband, when he was
alive, he liked your music very much. He was [Cont'd] always playing it.
HAL
Oh, that’s nice. Thank you.
YAYA
I never like it myself.
HAL
Oh.
YAYA
You’re much taller than
on television. [TO OTHERS] She much taller than she look.
HAL
Am I?
YAYA
Neh. [LOOKING AT HER HANDS]
And hairier.
ANGELA
Christ.
NIKKOS
Yaya!
ANGELA GRABS HER GRANDMOTHER AND PULLS HER BACK ONTO THE SOFA.
ANGELA
Yaya, let me get you another
drink.
YAYA
What you mean another one?
I no have my first one yet.
BEN
Cousin Nana, this is Angela.
This is the girl I’m going to marry.
HAL
So...this is the little
vixen who’s stealing my cousin away. Oh and she’s so pretty. You know,
I feel I know you already.
THEY GO TO KISS EACH OTHER’S CHEEK. ANGELA WHISPERS INTO HIS EAR.
ANGELA
Don’t get too cocky or I’ll
kill you myself.
SHE ELBOWS AND WINDS HIM.
BEN
And this is one of Angela’s
brothers. This is Nikkos.
HAL
It’s really nice to meet...
NANA TAKES A GOOD LOOK AT NIKKOS AND ALMOST COLLAPSES.
Oh my God!
BEN
Nana...are you alright?
HAL GRABS HIM AND MOVES HIM DOWNSTAGE.
HAL
Shit! It’s him! It’s him!
BEN
Who?
HAL
That guy!
BEN
What guy? Nick?
HAL
Yes, him. Nick. He’s that
guy.
BEN
What guy? What are you talking
about?
HAL
Stop asking me questions,
schmuck! Him, that guy. He’s the one from last night.
BEN
Last night? At the buck’s
party? Yeah, he was here. So what? He was more pissed than I was. I don’t
think he’d remember you at all.
HAL
But we met.
BEN
So? You were dressed like
a man. He’s not gonna know it’s the same person.
HAL
Believe me, he’s gonna know.
BEN
How’s he gonna know? You
said everyone was drunk and dancing all over the place.
HAL
Most of them were.
BEN
So what’s the problem? He’s
not gonna remember where he was, let alone who he talked to...Unless you
slept with him.
BEN STARTS TO WALK BACK TO THE REST OF THE GROUP THEN STOPS SUDDENLY AND TURNS BACK TO HAL, WILD-EYED AND TERRIFIED.
Oh my God! You didn’t. Tell me you didn’t.
HAL
Alright. I didn’t.
BEN
But did you??
HAL
Yes.
BEN
Aarggh!!
ANGELA COMES UP BETWEEN THEM.
ANGELA
What the hell’s gotten into
you two? I’m gonna smack your heads in if you don’t stop screwing around!
BEN
That’s the problem.
ANGELA
What?
BEN
Someone’s been screwing
around already.
ANGELA
What’re you talking about?
YAYA
What’s wrong? Why are you
all whisper? Why?
BEN
It’s nothing, yaya. My cousin
just got something caught in her throat. [TO HAL WITH CLENCHED TEETH] Like
my future brother-in-law’s dick!
ANGELA
Will one of you idiots tell
me what’s going on?
HAL
I’m out of here.
BEN
Where the hell do you think
you’re going?
HAL
Home! This is no good. He’s
gonna know.
ANGELA
Who’s gonna know what?
BEN
Mr Free Range Dick here
has been busy behind our backs.
ANGELA
Huh?
BEN
Cousin Nana’s been rubbing
lumpy bits with a certain person’s brother at a very recent bucks night.
Sound familiar?
ANGELA
What? You mean him and Nick?
BEN
Yep. [TO HAL] You bastard!
How could you go and hump my brother-in-law the day before I’m getting
married?
ANGELA
Him and Nick?
HAL
Hey, look, it wasn’t just
me that did all the seducing, you know. From what I remember it was kinda
mutual.
BEN
You creep! How could you?
ANGELA
Him and Nick?
BEN
[TO ANGELA] You say that
once more and I’m gonna slug you!
THEY ALL LOOK AT NIKKOS
YAYA
I’m still very thirsty,
back here...
BEN
I’ll get you a drink, yaya.
ANGELA HOLDS UP THE BOTTLE OF VODKA AND CUP TO HIM. HE TAKES THE BOTTLE AND POURS A LARGE DRINK THEN HANDS IT TO HER. SHE GULPS IT DOWN AND ALMOST CHOKES BUT RECOVERS.
ANGELA
I can’t believe it. One
of my brothers is gay?
HAL
Well, if he isn’t he’s a
great actor. Bye.
ANGELA
Where do you think you’re
going?
HAL
You don’t think I’m gonna
hang around here now, do you? You gotta be bonkers.
ANGELA
And how are we gonna explain
your leaving?
HAL
I don’t care. You got me
in to this. You get me out.
ANGELA
You’re over-reacting. Look,
Nick doesn’t know it’s you and unless you lift your skirt, he’s not gonna
find out either. So pull yourself together and stop panicking.
HAL
That’s easy for you to say
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
ANGELA
[TO THE OTHERS] That’s probably
Stavros. [TO HAL] Now why don’t you just relax, get yourself a drink or
something and sit down!!
ANGELA GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AS BEN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. LYNN STANDS THERE.
LYNN
Are you Ben?
BEN
Sorry. No-one here by that
name.
HE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. HE TURNS AROUND WILD-EYED.
Anyone like a drink?
THE DOOR KNOCKS AGAIN. BEN DOESN’T MOVE. MORE KNOCKS.
NIKKOS
Aren’t you gonna get the
door?
BEN
Nope.
ANGELA COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND HEARS THE KNOCKING.
ANGELA
I’ll get it.
SHE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, SEES LYNN, SCREAMS AND SLAMS IT SHUT AGAIN. EVERYONE LOOKS AT HER. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.
LYNN
[OFF] Ange? Angela, open
this bloody door!
YAYA
[GREEK] Who is that?
ANGELA
Oh, no-one, yaya.
BEN GRABS HER AND DRAGS HER DOWNSTAGE.
BEN
Who’s that?!
ANGELA
Lynn.
BEN
Who’s Lynn?
ANGELA
My girlfriend!
NIKKOS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. LYNN STORMS IN.
LYNN
[FURIOUS] Angela? Angela!
Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you.
ANGELA
Lynn, this is a bad time
right now and I can’t really talk.
LYNN
Why? What’s the matter?
ANGELA
I can’t explain at the moment.
I’ll call you later.
LYNN
Why can’t you tell me now?
ANGELA
Look, I’m right in the middle
of something.
LYNN
Where have you been the
past few weeks? Are you trying to avoid me or something?
ANGELA
No, of course not.
LYNN
Then what’s the matter?
ANGELA
Look, I’ve just told you.
I can’t talk now. How did you find out where I was, anyway?
LYNN
I called in at the gym.
They gave me this address and phone number. I rang and this guy answered.
I didn’t know what to think. Those people at the gym said you were getting
married. I was almost sick. What’s going on? Is this why you haven’t
called me? You’re getting married?
ANGELA
Look, can we please discuss
this later?
LYNN
No! We talk now. Who are
all these people? Why are you getting married? And who’s this Ben person?
YAYA
Angela, who is this?
ANGELA
Oh, no-one, yaya. Just a
friend.
LYNN
A friend?!!
ANGELA
Yaya, this is Lynn. Lynn,
this is my grandmother...this is my brother Nick. This is Dimitri and [POINTING
TO NANA] this is an old family friend.
LYNN GREETS EVERYONE UNTIL SHE COMES TO NANA. SHE DOES A DOUBLE TAKE.
Excuse us, everyone. We need to have a little talk.
LYNN
What the fu...
ANGELA DRAGS HER INTO THE BATHROOM
BEN
Well, how is everyone for
drinks? Mrs Theolakis?
YAYA
Don’t worry. I get it myself,
thank you very much.
SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AREA AND POURS ANOTHER GLASS OF VODKA. NIKKOS SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO BEN.
BEN
So...Nick. How’s it doin’?
NIKKOS IS ABOUT TO SPEAK WHEN THE PHONE RINGS. BEN LOOKS AT IT AS IT CONTINUES TO RING. THE OTHER TWO LOOK AT HIM.
NIKKOS
Aren’t you going to get
the phone?
BEN
Not if I can help it.
BEN PICKS UP THE PHONE.
BEN
Hello...yes. [TO OTHERS]
It’s Stavros...Yes...okay, sure. [HANGING UP] His car’s broken down at
the petrol station. He wants someone to go get him.
THERE IS A LOUD SCREAM FROM THE BATHROOM. THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND LYNN RUSHES OUT WITH ANGELA FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND. SHE STOPS TO GLARE AT THE REST OF THEM, ESPECIALLY HAL THEN STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR.
ANGELA
Well...she seemed to take
that quite well.
BEAT. ANGELA RUSHES OUT SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.
BEN
Well...uh...excuse me just
a moment. I need an aspirin. I’ve got a bit of a headache.
BEN AND HAL BOTH MAKE FOR THE BATHROOM BUT BEN BEATS HIM, SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT. NANA FACES THE OTHERS, SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT.
YAYA
Nikkos?
NIKKOS
Yes, yaya?
YAYA
Go get your brother.
NIKKOS
Yes, yaya.
NIKKOS EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. HAL LOOKS AT YAYA THEN JOINS HER ON THE SOFA. SHE EYES HIM WARILY.
YAYA
[GREEK] So...this marriage.
You are excited? It’s good for the family. Your cousin is a good boy, I
think.
HAL JUST SITS THERE, SMILING.
YAYA
Are you alright?
HAL
Oh...yes...thank you.
YAYA
Oh, that’s right. I forgot.
You don’t like to speak Greek.
HAL
I don’t?
YAYA
You get homesick.
HAL
I do? I mean...I do!
YAYA
I was saying it is exciting...about
this wedding. You cousin...he’s a good boy. A little strange...but a good
boy.
HAL
He’s a treat.
YAYA
Where are you from?
HAL
Er...Greece?
YAYA
I know that but where? What
is [GREEK] your village?
HAL IS STILL PUZZLED.
Your village?
HAL
Oh ..it’s a little village.
You never would’ve heard...
YAYA
Oh, you come from Athens.
HAL
[SURPRISED] Athens! That’s
right!
YAYA
I forget. Stavros read it
to me from...Woman’s Day.
HAL
Yes...Athens...that’s it.
YAYA
You know, my husband, he
knew everything there was to know about you. He was always telling me.
HAL
That’s nice.
YAYA
As if I wanted to know.
[GREEK] Athenians...wankers! [PAUSE] How old are you?
HAL
I think I need a drink.
HAL GETS UP AND POURS A LARGE GLASS OF VODKA.
YAYA
Oh, Stavros told. I forgot.
Er...he says you were born in...when was it? Oh, that’s right...1936.
HAL
[ALMOST THROWING UP HIS
DRINK] 1936? Whoa!
YAYA
Yes...you’re quite old,
aren’t you?
HAL
And aging by the minute.
YAYA
You don’t look that old.
HAL
Er...thank you.
YAYA
Ay...I suppose it’s all
those face lifts. You’re so famous you can afford them. Still...I don’t
think they did such a good job.
HAL
Thanks a bunch. [UNDER HIS
BREATH] You old slag.
YAYA
Ti? Excuse me?
HAL
Nothing.
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. SHE LOOKS AT HIM. HE DOESN’T MOVE AT FIRST. FINALLY HE STANDS BEHIND THE DOOR, TAKES A BIG GULP FROM HIS DRINK THEN OPENS IT AND PEAKS AROUND. STAVROS STANDS THERE DUMB-FOUNDED.
STAVROS
Oh...my god...I mean, excuse
me...I...er...
YAYA
She’s had a face-lift.
STAVROS
I don’t know what to say.
YAYA
But it didn’t work too good.
STAVROS
Yaya! You’ll have to forgive
my Grandmother. [TO YAYA THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] She should be in a home.
My name is Stavros. It’s a great pleasure meeting you. Really. Such a thrill.
[TAKING HER HAND] Wonderful. You know, you’re nothing like your pictures.
YAYA
It’s the face-lifts.
STAVROS
Yaya! This is a most wonderful
day. I can’t think what to say? Words fail me.
YAYA
It hasn’t stopped your mouth.
STAVROS
But please sit down. You
shouldn’t be answering doors. Anywhere. You would have servants to do it.
Here, you sit here. Would you like a drink?
YAYA
[GREEK] A little juice would
be nice.
HAL
Oh please....
STAVROS
It’s no trouble. Oh, my
God. This is so exciting.
HE TASTES THE PUNCH, WINCES THEN POURS IN SOME OUZO CONTINUING TO LOOK AT HAL. HE SUDDENLY REALISES HE HAS POURED IN THE WHOLE BOTTLE. HAL LOOKS ON SCARED STIFF. STAVROS HANDS A GLASS OF PUNCH TO HAL AND SITS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, OPENING HIS SHIRT TO SHOW HIS MASSIVE CHEST AND MEDALLIONS. YAYA SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE WAITING FOR HER DRINK. THEY BOTH LOOK AT HAL, YAYA SUSPICIOUSLY; STAVROS IN AWE. AFTER A LONG PAUSE.
STAVROS
Er...how was your trip?
HAL DRINKS THE PUNCH AND ALMOST CHOKES ON THE OUZO.
HAL
Oh...er...fine.
STAVROS
We wanted to give you a
big welcome but Dimmi said you wouldn’t want a crowd at the airport. Ay...he’s
use to having a famous cousin...but this is all new to us, I tell you.
YAYA
Not to me.
YAYA GETS UP TO POUR ANOTHER VODKA, DRINKS IT AND STARTS TO FALL ASLEEP STANDING UP.
STAVROS
You know. You’re even prettier
than your photos. I hope I’m not being too forward but you know...I’ve
never said these things before to a woman.
HAL
Oh, I’m sure you have.
STAVROS
Oh...to girls, yeah...thousands...but
not to a mature woman. One who looks like she’s been around a bit.
HAL
What?!
STAVROS
Oh...I don’t mean like that.
I mean...a woman who has lived.
HAL
You know, you look just
like your brother.
STAVROS
A lot of people say that.
I don’t see it, myself. But let’s not talk about him. Let’s talk about
us.
HAL
Us?
STAVROS
O