All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author.

Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application.

This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Any application for performance must be made to:

RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
P.O. Box 445, Paddington
NSW, Australia, 2021
Telephone 61 2  9281 9622
Fax 61 2   92127100
raftos@raftos.com.au

Characters
 

Tom
Kevin
Father Michael
The Waiter
 
 

First Performance August 26th 1999
Produced by Out Cast Theatre
David Williamson Theatres
Melbourne Australia
 

Cast As Follows:

Kevin               Luke Gallagher
Tom                 Iain Murton
Michael            Christopher White
Waiter/Peter     Paul Marshall

Directed by Steven Dawson
 
 

SETTING: A TABLE AT A WEDDING. THE WAITER ENTERS AND ARRANGES THE TABLE SETTING. HE CHECKS THE TABLE, LOOKS AT HIMSELF IN A MIRROR. THE OTHER THREE MEN ENTER. ONE IS DRESSED IN A PRIEST'S COLLAR AND SHIRT; THE OTHER TWO ARE DRESSED SLIGHTLY FORMAL. THEY FACE THE AUDIENCE.

ALL
I can't believe he's doing this.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP. KEVIN SITS AT THE TABLE ROLLING A CIGARETTE. HE IS LOOKING VERY BORED. HE LOOKS AROUND AND LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE. TOM ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND. HE LOOKS AT THE YOUNG MAN. THEY CATCH EACH OTHER'S EYE. HE TURNS BACK TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE.

TOM
Woof.

KEVIN
Excuse me?

TOM
What? Oh…Nothing. I was…er…just talking to myself.

KEVIN
Oh, in that case…woof.

TOM
Exactly.

KEVIN
You look kinda lost.

TOM
You're right. And unfortunately it ain't in Alaska. Because at this mo' in time that’s exactly where I wanna be.

KEVIN
What?

TOM
On the first sled out of here. Are you a friend? Of the groom or something?

KEVIN
Bride.

TOM
Oh really? Then shouldn't you be in white or something? You must be very happy.

KEVIN
I'm a…I’m a friend of the bride.

TOM
Er…I was joking.

KEVIN
I know.

TOM
Thanks.

KEVIN
What table are you looking for?

TOM
[TAKING OUT HIS INVITE] Er…G7. Apparently.

KEVIN
That's this one.

TOM
Oh, jolly hockey sticks. Well then. Right.

KEVIN
Didn't see you at the church.

TOM
Oh, I didn't make it. Got held up at the airport. Was it good?

KEVIN
No idea. Didn't get there either. Hate weddings. Bunch of fat fuckwits in poxy morning suits and half a dozen trough monsters in green chiffon looking like moldy pavlovas ready to explode.

TOM
Well I wouldn't have put it so poetically…but there you go.

KEVIN
What were you doing at the airport?

TOM
Er…getting off the plane. That's where they land them you see.

KEVIN
You're a funny cunt.

TOM
Oh, and those June Dally-Watkins elocution classes have really paid off. Indeed, money well spent.

KEVIN
I hate funny cunts.

TOM
Oh well, can't blame me for trying.

KEVIN
You might as well sit down.

TOM
I thought maybe I might go and pass on my best wishes to the happy couple.

KEVIN
You can't.

TOM
And you've got a filthy mouth but that still doesn't mean I can't go say hi.

KEVIN
No, I mean you can't go and talk to them. They're kinda indisposed at the moment.

TOM
Really?

KEVIN
Yeah. She’s probably giving him a blowjob at the moment in the four wheel drive out in the laneway next to the skip.

TOM
Well that’s romantic. Perhaps I'll wait.

KEVIN
Might be a good idea.

TOM
What's the champers like?

KEVIN
Ever tasted yak's piss strained through a vomit stained balaclava?

TOM
That good?

KEVIN
Not as much. Try it.

TOM
Thought you'd never ask.

HE POURS HIM A DRINK.

KEVIN
So, what about you?

TOM
What about me?

KEVIN
Which side of the fence do you sit on?

TOM
Pardon?

KEVIN
Bride or groom?

TOM
Oh…er…groom, I suppose. I mean, I've never met her. We go way back. The groom and I, that is.

KEVIN
Glad we cleared that up.

TOM
Maybe I should go talk to someone else.

KEVIN
You know anyone else?

TOM
No.

HE SITS DOWN AND FIDGETS WITH A NAPKIN.

Nice spread

KEVIN
Never had any complaints.

MICHAEL
I meant the table.

KEVIN
Well if a bed isn’t handy…So, you’re a friend of the groom, aye?

TOM
That’s right. We were old fu…friends. Back in Sydney.

KEVIN
That where you're from?

TOM
Yes, 'fraid so.

KEVIN
Hate Sydney.

TOM
I'll let them know.

KEVIN
Too many wankers.

TOM
Ah, well, play with what you know.

KEVIN
Known him for long?

TOM
Uh…we go way back.

KEVIN
Really?

TOM
Yes. It was many, many years ago. [PAUSE] Before the war!

KEVIN
Were you mates?

TOM
Er, yes I suppose we were. We shared a flat for a while.

KEVIN
Oh, you must've been good mates then.

TOM
Yes we were.

KEVIN
Where did you live then?

TOM
Oh we had a little one bedroom apartment in Elizabeth Bay. Really nice. You could see right out over the harbour and every…

KEVIN'
One bedroom?

TOM
What? Oh I meant two bedroom. Two bedroom apartment.

KEVIN
How long did you live together?

TOM
Er…six years, I think.

KEVIN
Long time to be flatmates.

TOM
You think?

KEVIN
Don't you?

TOM
Never really thought about it.

TOM STARTS TO TAKE A DRINK.

KEVIN
You ever suck his cock?

TOM SPURTS THE DRINK OUT. HE STANDS UP AND STARTS TO WIPE HIMSELF DOWN WITH THE NAKPKIN.

TOM
Boy, you southerners just come right out with it, don't you.

KEVIN
Don't get no answers if you don't ask.

TOM
Ask the wrong person and you might get a slap upside of the meaty bits.

KEVIN
I ain't scared of no-one.

TOM
Your parole officer must be very proud.

KEVIN
So…did you?

TOM
What?

KEVIN
Suck his cock.

TOM
I told you. I was his flat mate.

KEVIN
That's not what I asked you.

TOM
How old are you?

KEVIN
Twenty six.

TOM
You want to live to 27 you better not ask complete strangers with jet lag and a bitch of a hangover such personal questions.

KEVIN
You're gay, aren't you?

TOM
Did I leave my sign on? Bugger.

KEVIN
What’s a gay guy doing at a straight wedding?

TOM
At this point in time…penance? Listen, you’re not going to send a press release to every table, are you?

KEVIN
Don't worry. I know lots of gay guys.

TOM
And the crowd goes "mmm."

KEVIN
Where did you say you met?

TOM
You know it was so long ago, I simply can't remember.

TOM TURNS AND FACES THE AUDIENCE. THE LIGHTS DROP TO JUST ON TOM.

TOM
It was a gay sex club. [PAUSE. DONNA SUMMER CAN BE HEARD FAINTLY IN THE BACKGROUND SINGING BAD GIRLS] I’d been out for a bevvy or ten with a few of my friends. Imaginary and some I wish were imaginary. The constant yadda-yadda-yadda had finally taken it’s toll and I was on the prowl. I gave them the slip and off I trot on my trotters to the nearest den of iniquity. It’s not very busy for a Friday. There’s the usual selection of trolls and gargoyles. Good God. I hope no-one thinks of me that way [BEAT] Fuck ‘em. I’m standing at the water cooler. Anything for balance. Now, your honour, I will admit I was slightly tipsy. Okay I'm pissed. I’m pissed as a newt. I'm as pissed as a newt who has been rejected by the local branch of newts AA for being too pissed. One more cowboy cocksucker and I would have whipped out my hankie and started a fan dance up and down the length of the video lounge so as you can imagine I am feeling no pain. Then suddenly shebang. In he walks. I offer up a prayer. Thank you God. Thank you baby Jesus. Not that I'm swayed by a pretty face, you understand. I've seen plenty. Even put a permanent crease down the middle of a few if you catch my low ball.

I look around. I can’t believe it. No-one else has noticed him. Normally they’re swooping like pterodactyls. He turns, looks straight at me and smiles. My uterus kicks over. I'm trying to look wind-swept and interesting…as opposed to fly-blown and devastating. I play it cool, reaching over and pouring myself a cool refreshing glass of water; at the same time reading a very interesting handbill about the importance of selecting the right cat for inner city living while chowing down on the complimentary bowl of Cheezels on top of the water cooler. I miss my mouth and spill the entire contents of the plastic cup down the front of my blouse. I whip the hanky out of my back pocket and of course the complimentary satchel of lube and condom fly out as well so with the cup, the flyer, the lube pack and condom I’ve now become a circus juggler. Finally I throw everything on the floor and walk away. Always leave them in awe of your special talents.

I’m cowering in a corner of the Stevie Wonder ward when this dark figure comes towards me. [DONNA SUMMER IS NOW SINGING LOVE TO LOVE YOU BABY] The shadow passes the light spilling in from the street window and I realise it’s him. He stands alongside of me and I can almost feel his breath. His bulging biceps half exposed under his black T-shirt are gentle brushing my scrawny arms. He has a natural worker’s body. This ain’t no gym queen puff ball. The bigger and butcher they look you can always bet they've got a voice like a cross between a Chihuahua sucking helium and Shirley Temple tap dancing her stumps off in The Little Colonel. No. This is the natural body of a construction worker, a carpenter or even dear God, a fireman!! The smell of some exotic after-shave wafts across my nose. For all I care, at this point in time it could have been pine-o-clean. I’m just about falling apart. So, trying to regain what little composure I can muster I casually light up a cigarette and leave the flickering flame of my bic to gently dance across our faces. I turn and look at him. Sultry and exotic. I feel like Barbara Stanwyk. Only not so dykie. He reaches up and takes hold of the lighter. We’re holding it together. It’s so horny I wanna spit. I see his other hand coming towards my face. Ah it’s so sensual. I want to feel his touch. I want to feel his strong fireman’s fingers gentling caressing the delicate surface of my skin as he runs them down my face. His fireman’s hand gets closer. I feel like I’m melting as he leans in [BEAT] then he removes the half-eaten Cheezel that’s been stuck to my face for the last 10mins. I want to die. He smiles. I drop the lighter. I fall to the ground in a full Patti Lupone with a double half pike and a twist. I grab the first thing I can put my hands on. Unfortunately it’s only the lighter. I'm like this far from his crotch. I strike up my bic once more and notice the pretty obvious bulge 12 inches from my face and wondering if it can bridge the gap on it’s own. I try to be subtle of course. I bark. This one is definitely “Once more around the park, driver. We’re in love.”

Reluctantly I let him help me up. I could have stayed down there for hours. He asked me if I was okay. I said I was. He asked me if he could get me anything. I said  "Yes…pregnant.” [PAUSE] Who does he think he's fooling. [THE LIGHTS COME BACK UP. HE LOOKS AT KEVIN] Where did we meet? You know, I simply can't remember.

KEVIN
Oh right.

TOM GOES TO SIT DOWN

TOM
So, you're a friend of the bride?

KEVIN
U-huh.

TOM
What's she like?

KEVIN
She's a bitch.

TOM
Close, are you? You know you really shouldn't call the bride a bitch on her wedding day. I think it's customary to slag her off once she's on her honeymoon.

KEVIN
I'll try to remember.

TOM
So, if she’s such a bitch why's he marrying her?

KEVIN
Her family's loaded.

TOM
Really?

KEVIN
Yep.

TOM
You know, when I knew him I never found him ruthless. [UNDER HIS BREATH] A cold-hearted son of a bitch and a scuzz bag …but ruthless? No.

KEVIN
Oh don't get me wrong. I'm sure he loves her. [UNDER HIS  BREATH] In his own special flaccid kind of way.

TOM
Well, I'm glad.

KEVIN
I just don't know if he should be marrying her, that's all. She doesn't like him. I think she's only using him as an excuse to get back at her family.

TOM
Really? Why?

KEVIN
I don't know. My theory is that maybe she realised that they were the ones that turned her into a bitch in the first place.

TOM
You seem to know a lot about it.

KEVIN
I should do. She’s my sister.

TOM
Your what?

KEVIN
And I have sucked his cock.

TOM
You've sucked his what?

FATHER MICHAEL ENTERS.

KEVIN
Afternoon, Father.

MICHAEL
Excuse me. I was looking for G7. There's so many tables here you can get slightly lost. I couldn’t find the floor plan, you see.

KEVIN
You've come to the right place, father. Plant your butt here.

MICHAEL
Thanks.

TOM
I need a drink. A stiff one.

KEVIN
Don't we all.

TOM STOPS THEN EXITS.

KEVIN
So…Father…how's it hanging?

MICHAEL
Oh, you know. You seem to be having a good time?

KEVIN
I am. Better than a kick in the cods, any day.

MICHAEL
Quite.

KEVIN
My name's Kevin.

MICHAEL
Nice to meet you, Kevin.

KEVIN
And what do I call you? Padre? Father? God-botherer?

MICHAEL
Oh, you can call me Michael. I’m not exactly on duty.

KEVIN
You know, you don’t sound like a priest.

MICHAEL
[WITH AN IRISH ACCENT] Sure and is that better?

KEVIN
Much. You do many weddings, Father?

MICHAEL
No, not really. Oh, I see. You're mistaken. This isn't one of mine. I'm like you. A guest.

KEVIN
Ah, I see.

MICHAEL
I must say they've certainly spared no expense with this one.

KEVIN
The family's got more money than sense. Stupid bastards. So Father, just between you and me, what do you think are the odds?

MICHAEL
Odds?

KEVIN
On them lasting 6 months.

MICHAEL
Oh I think perhaps you underestimate the power of their love.

KEVIN
Yeah right.

MICHAEL
You're very cynical for someone so young

KEVIN
So, what made you decide to become a priest?

MICHAEL
That’s a pretty big question to be asking a priest at a wedding. Perhaps you should try enjoying yourself.

KEVIN
Oh, believe me Father. Right now I’m having the time of my life. So which one do you know?

MICHAEL
Er...the groom, I suppose.

KEVIN
You suppose?

MICHAEL
Well, we were at school together you see.

KEVIN
Ah so you’re that Michael?

MICHAEL
Um, yes. That’s right. You know, to be perfectly honest I don't know why I am even here. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 15 years. I must say I was surprised to hear he was getting married.

KEVIN
Join the club. And believe me, it's ain't an exclusive membership. So…you were at school together?

MICHAEL
That's right.

KEVIN
Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't he go to a boarding school?

MICHAEL
Yes. St Patrick's.

KEVIN
So, this boarding school. It was same sex, right?

MICHAEL
If you mean it was an all boys school then yes.

KEVIN
Interesting. You know, you hear a lot a stories about those boarding schools.

MICHAEL
Do you?

KEVIN
Must have been hell. All those horny little teenagers running around full of hormones.

MICHAEL
You've been watching too many movies.

KEVIN
Probably. Still. [MUMBLING] Sounds pretty fucking hot to me.

MICHAEL
Sorry?

KEVIN
So…you were at school together.

MICHAEL
Yes, I think we've already established that.

KEVIN
Tell me Father, did you all sleep together in dormitories or was it single rooms?

MICHAEL
What are you getting at?

KEVIN
Think of it as a purely theological question. From someone trying to understand the workings of the church.

MICHAEL
By knowing my sleeping arrangements as a youth you'll understand the workings of the church?

KEVIN
Okay, how about just humoring a drunk?

MICHAEL
I guess that's a little more honest. Er…well, the juniors slept in dormitories and the seniors had double shared rooms.

KEVIN
Oh yes?

MICHAEL
All completely innocent, I can assure you.

KEVIN
And that's where you met him?

MICHAEL
Who? Oh, you mean…yes, that's right…sort of.

MICHAEL FACES THE AUDIENCE IN A SPOTLIGHT. A LIGHT COMES UP ON THE WAITER DRESSED AS A SCHOOLBOY. HE REMAINS FROZEN STARING OUT AT THE AUDIENCE.

MICHAEL
I felt something at the back of my neck. Something wet. I knew what it was. But I didn't want to move. You don't give them more reason to keep doing it. I've been through this before. Unfortunately this latest projectile was a rather large sprog hawked up by some consumption victim by the feel of it and it was starting to drip down the back of my collar. My hand is just about to wipe it off when the door opens and in he walks. I heard at least ten necks snap at the sight. Possibly it was just mine and the echo reverberating around the room. Well I was impressed. Finally someone new. As Father Robert introduced him to the class he went quite red from embarrassment. I knew that face well. It was the face of the loner. I've seen it in front of the mirror everyday for sixteen years. Standing in front of everyone, praying for the ground to just open up and swallow you. It’s been the way I’ve felt for most of my life. When Father Robert tells him to find a seat I'm thinking "come sit by me. Safety in numbers. You look as scared and friendless as I do. We could be pals." Well the fates looked kindly on this unworthy speck and the only spare seat in the classroom was at the desk next to mine. Whilst Father Robert is off complaining to the principal about another spotty brat being dumped into an already over-crowded class room he sits down next to me.

Of course it doesn't take long for the mumbling and subterranean chanting from the philistines to start. Suddenly I start to feel hot and flustered. I feel really wet behind the back of my neck. It could be sweat or it could still be the loogie. I know what's gonna happen next. I'm sucking in the air, the bands have stared to constrict around my chest, I'm gasping for breath and bang...down I go. Oh no, don't let him see me like this. Please, please, please. The only asthmatic in the entire class of 81. Next thing I know I'm waking up in the sick bay. I open my eyes and this vision in a halo appears in front of me. I close my eyes then open them again. The angel’s still there. I try not to jump to any conclusions but hey, this is a Catholic school. Once I saw the face of the Virgin in a dollop of tomato sauce on my pie during lunch. Finally my eyes focus and I realise it's him staring down at me.

WAITER
Are you okay?

MICHAEL
I think so. What are you doing here?

WAITER
They needed someone to carry you here. I was the closest, I guess. Don't worry. I didn't cop a feel or anything. Do you do this a lot?

MICHAEL
It happens occasionally.

WAITER
I think they're calling your parents. You know, you might want to wipe the back of your neck. There's something on it. Here let me.

MICHAEL
Then he takes out his handkerchief.

WAITER
Don't worry. There's not much snot on it.

MICHAEL
Don’t worry. There will be. [TO AUDIENCE] Then he wipes the spit off the back of my neck. With his own handkerchief.

WAITER
Are you okay now? Have you always been asthmatic or is this something new to get out of sport?

MICHAEL
Old thing. Happens all the time.

WAITER
Let me know when it happens again I want to get a good shot of it.

MICHAEL
Good shot?

WAITER
Photo. I like to take pictures. I hear they have a good darkroom setup here at the school.

MICHAEL
Yeah they do.

WAITER
Maybe you could do it with me sometime.

MICHAEL
Sorry?

WAITER
Take photos. I don't know anyone else at this school. That's if it's not too bogan or nothing. I'm mean, I'm not one of those camera club fuckheads. I just like taking photos.

MICHAEL
He said Fuckheads. I was impressed. "Sure, I'd like that."

WAITER
My name's Peter.

MICHAEL
Nice Catholic name. You don't see the Virgin in tomato sauce, do you?

WAITER
I see virgins all over the place but no, not in tomato sauce. Not lately, anyway.

MICHAEL
My name's Michael.

WAITER
I know. The school asthmatic. You're pretty special apparently.

MICHAEL
It's an honorary title. There's an epileptic in 3C that's much more fun to watch.

WAITER
I'm keeping some film handy.

THE LIGHT FADES ON THE WAITER

MICHAEL
[TO AUDIENCE] At last I found someone who had the same sense of humour as me. From then on we were inseparable. We spent every break together. It was the best time of my life.

THE LIGHT FADES ON MICHAEL AND COMES UP ON KEVIN. MUSIC “THE VERY THOUGHT OF YOU” UNDERSCORES THE NEXT MONOLOGUES

KEVIN
You see I'm not gay. Sure I have sex with men but I'm not gonna give myself a label. I'm just me, you know. I don't see myself as being anything other than who I am. I had this mate of mine at school named Jonathon. Knew him for about 9 years. We lived about 5 doors from each other. I'm about 14 or 15 at the time but one day we were over at his place, just goofing off and stuff and we end up having a swim in his backyard pool. His parents are off to visit grandma's or something. Then as we were getting changed out of our swimmers I catch a good look at this guy's equipment. I'm pretty impressed you know. Not that I was stuck behind the door myself when it comes to dicks but you get the idea. He starts talking to me and all the while he's touching himself. I'm trying to look the other way but it's getting pretty hard, in more ways than one. You would think I would be shocked but I'm not. The only thing I am shocked about is that I'm not shocked.

TOM ENTERS AND STANDS OPPOSITE KEVIN. THE THREE MEN ARE NOW STANDING IN SMALL SPOTLIGHTS FACING THE AUDIENCE.

TOM
So, we get to talking. Actually he gets to talking. I get to slurring. Whatever it was I said, it must've been brilliant. I'm always my wittiest when I'm three sheets to the wind. After a few bevies I'm fucking Oscar Wilde. But I digress. He must have been enamoured of me because the next minute, he's rubbing his leg against mine. There are some really sick people out there who only take advantage of drunks. Thank God. Otherwise my dance card would be covered in Civil War dust.

KEVIN
You see, I've never really been naked with anyone before. Then Jonathon asks me if I've ever had sex. You know, the usual bullshit…I said of course I had. Then he says he's feeling pretty tense and needs to have a wank to release his tension. I'm a bit suspicious. I mean, how tense can a 14 year old be. Well, pretty tense apparently. He said I could leave or I could stay and watch if I wanted to. Wild horses tied to my arse couldn't have dragged me out of that room. He laid down on his parents bed and started to have a really good pull. I'm trying to look away but it was like the Starship Enterprise tractor beam dragging my head back. Then he asks me if I wanted to join him. Well, I wasn't gonna let him have all the fun. So I did. And for two fourteen year olds with no drugs and alcohol, a good time was had by all.

MICHAEL
We were in the darkroom developing some shots he'd taken of pioneer cemetery headstones…I'm thinking this guy might have a few problems…when he brushes up against me. Accidentally, of course…but was like an electric current going through me. No-one had ever touched me before. I’d never had physical contact with anyone before. Not even from my parents since I was a kid. And being an asthmatic kept you out of all the contact sports. He turned around, looked at me and smiled.

TOM
He asked me if I had any plans. Sure. Plans to alienate all my friends, plans to bring grief and shame to my entire family, plans to shoot up a shopping centre but nothing that couldn't wait. I realised that he meant for the evening. It’s 3 in the morning. I said I had none. Actually, I was trying to remember where I parked the car, then I remembered that I didn't drive here anyway. I also remembered I didn't own a car so I was, at that and every other moment in my life, open to suggestion. He suggested he take me home as I was in no condition to walk home. Walk? I'm a queen. I'll take a cab to cross the street.

KEVIN
Every chance we got we'd be whipping out our dicks and slapping them against the doona. Then a few months later we're in the middle of a hot session of bash the bishop when he leans over and licks me on the chest. Well the crowd goes wild. Then bugger me…[BEAT] and he doesn't, he goes down on me faster than a Rialto elevator. I'm going crazy, fireworks are going off in my head, I'm gasping like a public patient on a Victorian hospital trolley.

MICHAEL
He put down the tongs and paper and stood facing me. It was like slow motion. His hand came up and touched my face, ever so slowly. I didn't move. He ran it so lightly over my cheek, then across my eyebrows, brushing my ears, down my nose and just tingling the top of my lips. I licked my lips. He moved in closer to me. I could feel his breath on my face. Sweet.

TOM
We got to my place. I fell straight onto the bed and immediately passed out. I'm a regular Don Juan. He must have been very impressed because he stayed. Fortunately in the morning I was bright eyed and bushy tailed, which is ironic because we went at it like rabbits.

KEVIN
[PAUSE] After all that it felt only right that I should reciprocate. Believe me, it felt okay. Then we reciprocated each others brains out right up until the end of high school. Needless to say I didn't do too well in my final year exams. The oddest thing was, neither of us thought of ourselves as gay. Maybe it was just a phase. A very looong phase.

MICHAEL
He started to take off his clothes so slowly. Then he began taking off mine. I didn't even bother to check if the darkroom door was locked. Fortunately it was. He leaned in and kissed me on the same places he had touched me, so lightly it felt like I was being brushed with a feather.

TOM
Now great sex can be an overpowering thing…if it's done right. He had a beautiful body. Everything in proportion. And I mean everything. And he knew how to use it. None of that youthful fumbling, going "Is this it? Is that right?" He went straight for the buttons. “Let go of my ears. I know what I’m doing.” Right away you want to give them your number. I didn't have to. He didn't leave for the next 6 years.

MUSIC FADES OUT

KEVIN
But the strangest thing was that the very last time we did it, it was so different. Normally it's a rush job in case anyone might come home unexpectedly but this time it was so slow and sensual. It wasn't two horny kids anymore. It was two grown men. Making love. For the first time in four years he kissed me softly on the lips. I kept thinking "why didn't we do it this way the previous 273 times."

MICHAEL
We lay down on the floor against the cold tiles, and he kept touching me so lightly my whole body would tingle. It was so passionate. He put every pore of his body into making love. That was it. It was making love. [THE OTHERS JOIN IN] Not sex. That word didn't even enter into. I wanted to touch him in all the same ways that he was touching me. I wanted him to feel every single thing I was feeling. I didn't want it to…

THE OTHERS JOIN IN.

ALL
…end

KEVIN
After that we kinda lost touch. He went off to some uni up north and I was never much of a writer so the letters were few and far between. Two years ago I'm sitting outside a café in Brunswick street trying to drink a cappuccino out of a glass, whoever invented that, certainly not the fucking Italians, when I look up and there’s Jonathon walking past me pushing a stroller with this woman. I reckon it's his wife or girlfriend. Kid's probably his as well. Well, it stands to reason. I'm not that dumb. I looked at him and briefly for a minute he looked at me. I smiled but he just kept on going. And…I just wanted him to look back, you know. That’s all I wanted.

MICHAEL
We got dressed. We kissed. He held me briefly, I left the darkroom and we never spoke of it again. It was our one and only moment. One hour locked in a darkroom. Three months later he left my school when his parents moved up to Sydney. Up until then we had seen each other everyday but we hardly spoke. He didn't want to spend as much time with me. I felt like I had done something wrong, somehow. I wanted to say good-bye to him but it wasn't possible. Not the way I wanted to. Not the making love again. But just the holding of each other. It felt like an ache or something. That look in his eyes. I never saw it again. Not in any of the people I've known.

KEVIN
Then just as he got up near the traffic lights he turned around and smiled at me. I know what you’re thinking. "Well, why didn't you go up and say "hi, how're you doing? Fancy a shag for old time's sakes?" But that’s not how it was. We didn't need that now. He had his new life and his partner and I had my life and my…cappuccino. But we knew...it was like we were back at school. It was like the last time. That kiss. That finally…making love. His smile said "I remember you. I remember us. We had us a great time, didn't we?" That was the day I fell in love with him. And that was the last time I ever saw him.

BLACKOUT THEN THE LIGHTS COME UP AS THE CHICKEN DANCE MUSIC IS HEARD. THE THREE GUYS ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. THE WAITER ENTERS AND REMOVES EMPTY BOTTLES ETC. HE DOES A LITTLE BIT OF DANCING TO THE MUSIC. HE THEN STANDS NEXT TO TOM. TOM IGNORES HIM. THE WAITER GETS SNOOTY AND WALKS OFF.

KEVIN
You know, you look very familiar.

TOM
I do?

KEVIN
I don't know but I get the feeling I've seen your face somewhere.

TOM
I don't think so. I think I would've remembered you.

KEVIN
Maybe.

MICHAEL
So we’re all friends of the groom?

KEVIN
Apparently so.

MICHAEL
Well that's nice.

TOM
How do you know him, Father?

KEVIN
They were at school together.

TOM
That's very good, Father. All that without moving your lips. You should get a dummy to complete the act. Wait a minute. Your not the kid he used to take photos with? The one who became a…Oh, I guess you are. Well there you go. Small world, isn't it.

MICHAEL
Sorry. I don't follow you.

TOM
I know about you.

MICHAEL
You do?

KEVIN
This sounds interesting. Spill the beans.

TOM
Sure. I've even seen your photo. I was going through one of Peter's photo albums once.

MICHAEL
Really?

TOM
Yes.

MICHAEL
He let you look at his photo albums?

KEVIN
They "lived together," Father.

TOM
He was my flatmate.

KEVIN
Of course he was.

MICHAEL
Did he say much about me?

TOM
Actually, no. He didn't. He just said you were at school together and that you were good friends for awhile.

MICHAEL
For a while, yes.

KEVIN
Is that it? That's all? How boring.

TOM
It was a beautiful photo. That I remembered. It was such a perfect shot. Mind you, you were a lot younger then. That photo would have been about 15 years old by now. God, you haven't changed that much...oh, sorry. Didn't mean to drop names.

MICHAEL
That's quite alright. Did he say anything else about me?

TOM
No. That was it.

MICHAEL
If you'll excuse me. I need to find the gents.

HE EXITS

KEVIN
And here we all are.

TOM
Can't fool you for a minute, can we.

KEVIN
So…aren't you gonna ask me?

TOM
Ask you what?

KEVIN
How I came to suck his cock. Actually, how I sucked his cock and he came.

TOM
You're a wicked little scamp, aren't you? I'm sure it's not true. You're just trying to shock me or something.

KEVIN
Oh, it's true alright. And believe me, if I wanted to shock you I could think of plenty of other ways to do it.

TOM
Little monkey talk heap big crapola. You know, you might wanna keep a lid on that "sucked his cock" spiel. It's liable to upset the mother of the bride.

KEVIN
He picked me up at a McDonalds. Isn't that the worst?

TOM
I'm not hearing any of this. [PLACING HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS] La-la-la.

KEVIN
He started cruising me over a quarter pounder.

TOM
Nice. Haute cuisine.

KEVIN
Sits right down in front of me and starts chatting me up. Don't know how he could've worked it out that I did it with men. I mean, I'm not that obvious. Well, compared to some.

TOM
Point taken. [BEAT] Cunt.

KEVIN
He’s real friendly at first then after bumping my knee under the table a couple of hundred times he starts making these real suggestive comments, you know. About buns and stuff. Says he'd like to give me a quarter pounder.

TOM
Very cryptic. Wonder what he meant. Well, it’s sounds kinda romantic.

KEVIN
So we go upstairs to the loo and he does me in a cubicle.

TOM
So much for the romance.

KEVIN
Let's me fuck him and everything.

TOM
Now I know you're lying. He never lets anyone fuck…

HE SUDDENLY SHUTS UP.

KEVIN
Oh, really. I see.

TOM
My, my. I need we need another bottle of this vintage crap!

KEVIN
Just flatmates, huh? I thought as much.

TOM
I don't know what you're on about.

KEVIN
Jesus you’re full of shit. Flatmates, my arse. You can drop the act, Tonto. I know all about you. I've been to his apartment. I've seen your photo. He's even got a photo of me back there. I reckon he takes photos of all his roots.

TOM
Someone really should take that bloody camera away from him. And I was not his root.

KEVIN
If you say he was your flatmate one more time I'm gonna spew.

TOM
Alright, what do you want?

KEVIN
Nothing. I just want to know why you came.

TOM
I was invited.

KEVIN
I know you were invited. I helped my sister send out the invitations. It was easy slipping in a couple of extra ones for you and the Padre. There’s a bit of history there too I reckon. I just haven’t figured it out yet.

TOM
Why did you invite us?

KEVIN
Call me curious.

TOM
Funny. I was going to opt for deranged.

KEVIN
Peter doesn't have many friends in Melbourne.

TOM
Nor any place else for that matter.

KEVIN
You know, you're nothing like I imagined.

TOM
Sorry, I'll remember to pack my tusks next time. Can I ask you a question?

KEVIN
Fire away.

TOM
Why is he really marrying your sister?

KEVIN
I told you. Our family’s loaded.

TOM
Bullshit. He’s not like that and you know it.

KEVIN
Okay. I think he wants kids.

TOM
Ah.

KEVIN
Don't know why. Can't stand the little fuckers, myself. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put tap shoes on my cat! "Oh, you'll never guess what little Nigel did today." Fell under a fucking bus, I hope. No, I reckon he’s afraid. I think he thinks he’s wasted his life and he’s got nothing to show for.

TOM
How did they meet?

KEVIN
Stupid me invited him over to my parent's place, didn't I? They meet. Get to talking and then, next thing I know they're getting married.

TOM
Does he love her?

KEVIN
Buggered if I know. They sure don’t act like it. He tells me he likes her a lot. And like I said before she’s just doing it to get away from my parents.

TOM
Are they that bad?

KEVIN
They’re lumps of wood with eyeballs. All I really know is that for the past 6 months I'm having a great little sex life and all of a sudden my bitch sister snatches my ration card.

TOM
And of course you're not in love with him?

KEVIN
Fuck no! It was the sex. It was great. Why does he have to go and spoil everything, the selfish bastard? Why does he get what he wants?

TOM
Don't you want him to be happy?

KEVIN
Of course not. I want to be happy.

TOM
You still can. It's not too late.

KEVIN
Bullshit! How can I when the one person I want most is gonna spend the rest of his life with someone else?

TOM
I'm beginning to think that is was more than just sex.

KEVIN
I can assure you mate, it's just the sex. Sex makes me happy. No sex…me, unhappy. You know what he's like. Sex is all he's got. Lets’ face it. He ain’t exactly a candidate for Mensa, is he?

TOM
Well, look at it this way. You'll still be close. There just won't be any penetration.

KEVIN
Nice try.

TOM
Maybe I’m reading into this a little too much but you seem more than just a tad bitter.

KEVIN
Of course I am. I gave that fucker six months of my life, I do everything the way he likes, which, admittedly, is pretty pedestrian for a man his age and what does he do? He goes off with a woman! Now that is sick!

TOM
Well when I knew him he was always a little fickle. Maybe he just prefers women now.

KEVIN
In the space of three months? Oh please. And if you think I'm gonna buy that “gay guy goes straight, hooray I'm cured” bullshit then you’re pissing on the wrong campfire. That type makes me sick. I’ll tell you a little story. When I was about 19 or so I worked in the promotions section of this big department store. Great job. My own little office and everything. One day I come out into the store and I notice this geezer making eyes at me. I mean he wasn't ugly. He was very cute, otherwise I wouldn't have paid him much attention right?

TOM
Noble sentiments indeed.

KEVIN
So I'm thinking hey it's not busy. I wonder how far he's gonna go. Well I clock him right back and he pretty much gets the hint. He follows me back to my little office, we lock the door and bang, he's down on his knees, my pants are around my ankles and he's going for it like he's gasping for breath and there's air in my balls. Understand?

TOM
Vividly.

KEVIN
Well, when we get done he thanks me…

TOM
Ah, a real gentleman.

KEVIN
Then off he goes. I take a few minutes to fix myself up, you know, make sure there aren't any stains; out I walk and straight away I spot that same humpy root latched on to some scrubber, dragging two ankle biters through children's apparel. I mean, his wife's checking out new floral bathroom coordinates and 20 feet away hubby is getting his molars pummeled. That's what I mean. So don't tell me he's turned straight. Straight men don't suck dick to get in touch with their feminine side. I've fucked, been fucked and been fucked over by one too many queens pretending to be playing happy families. If they had any decency they’d just be honest with their wives and get the fuck out of that relationship pronto because, and you can quote me on this, once they've tasted “the dark side, Luke” they don't ever forget it.

TOM
Did it occur to you that maybe he really does love her and he’s trying not to hurt you. People change.

KEVIN
I can tell you, mate, that no pretty blonde with a 360 degree set of pearly whites, huge tits and the ability to pump out a couple of Aryan sprogs is gonna get the taste of a man out of his mouth. He's gonna be always thinking about it. He might be okay for the first few years but then after a while the sex with wifey gets a bit boring and pretty soon hubby starts coming home late so you can bet his little Ford Festiva’s leaving skid marks outside every lav of every footy oval between the office and his driveway! Why can't they just be honest and stop pretending they're something they're not. It ain’t such a bad thing being a poof these days?

TOM
Mmm. Mind if I ask you another question?

KEVIN
Fire away.

TOM
Why did you come here?

KEVIN
I wanted him to see what he’ll be missing.

TOM
Oh.

KEVIN
Yeah, I wanted him to walk down the aisle, look me in the eye and realise that the best root he's ever had has slipped through his fingers. He says nothing will change. He'll still see me when he can.

TOM
Just no sex huh?

KEVIN
Oh, no. He still wants the sex. But there's no way I'm sharing with my sister. It was bad enough when we were kids and we had to share lollies. Only now she's taken the whole bag for herself! Besides, I can’t be the bit on the side. You know what? In that six months I've been with him I've never had anyone else.

TOM
You're a martyr to the cause.

KEVIN
Now you tell me. Why did you come?

TOM
I told you. I was invited. I wanted to see him get married.

KEVIN
You mean you came to see if he'd go through with it as well.

TOM
That too. I never thought he’d end up with a woman. Maybe end up being a woman…

KEVIN
All I can say is, she must be easily satisfied. I know I was. [PAUSE] Did you love him?

TOM
I…don’t know. I guess. For a time. But six years is a long time to drag anything out. People grow apart. And I suppose the excuses for not having sex were getting a little bizarre. Carpal Tunnel syndrome? The best one he came up with was moving to Melbourne. That pretty much did the trick. I’m going for a slash. Excuse me.

TOM EXITS AS MICHAEL ENTERS

KEVIN
So, Father, have you seen him yet?

MICHAEL
Seen who? Oh, you mean the groom. No, not yet.

KEVIN
Are you having a good time anyway Father?

MICHAEL
It's a little boring, so far. Perhaps it will liven up when the speeches start.

KEVIN
With my family? Yeah, that’s gonna happen. Though the last time I came to a wedding I ended up in the cloakroom under the coats doing it with the best man. He was an apprentice motor mechanic named Darren. Not an intellectual I'm afraid but you're there for a hump. Not to discuss the theory of relativity. So you see, there is hope.

MICHAEL
Quite. So what is it you do for a living?

KEVIN
Student. Bit boring at the moment but it's my last year of Law so I can become the scum of the earth and make pots of money off the disadvantaged. And what is it you do, Father?

MICHAEL
I'm a…oh.

KEVIN
Sorry. Just taking the piss. You do lot's of weddings and funerals? Stuff like that?

MICHAEL
Occasionally. Mainly home visits to the elderly.

KEVIN
You like doing that?

MICHAEL
Sometimes. Sometimes it's a lot of hard work to stay smiling.

KEVIN
You're not wrong. Sometimes when I get tied up at an Auto-teller behind some fucking old Neville or Dorothy I just want to reach down their throats and tear out their lower colon. If you’ll excuse the French, Padre.

MICHAEL
You should make a lovely lawyer.

KEVIN
Father, can I ask you something?

MICHAEL
Certainly. Unless it's about boarding school. I didn't like the way those last questions were heading.

KEVIN
Promise. [GETTING UP] Okay. Let's just speak hypothetically. If I were to have this friend who I knew was making a big mistake that could ruin his life and the lives of everyone around him, should I say something or should I sit back and let it happen?

MICHAEL
Well, that always depends on what are your motives?

KEVIN
I know he's making a big mistake…hypothetically, of course.

MICHAEL
Of course. But do you want him to not make this mistake for his benefit or for yours? Sometimes concern can be confused with jealousy.

KEVIN
Can't it be for both?

MICHAEL
If the actions you take are, in part, based on jealousy; an emotional trait, then you're not thinking objectively, are you?

KEVIN
But he'd be living a lie….hypothetically.

MICHAEL
I guess we all live with lies. Big and small. Sometimes we're brave when we can confront them and sometimes we’re brave when we don’t. But you have to ask yourself “Is it really your right to make a decision that affects someone else? Interferes with their life?”

KEVIN
[SITTING DOWN] Great. It's been real fun talking to you, Padre.

MICHAEL
On the other hand, some people might think, that if the lie is confronted before it hurts other people then it might be a good thing to take some action. But if that's your course then wouldn’t it be better to let the other parties see the mistake for themselves? Allow them to see the situation with their own eyes. That way you're neither judge nor jury.

KEVIN
I’m not?

MICHAEL
No. Hypothetically. Yes, and in that way you have taken action without letting your emotions control you.

KEVIN
Maybe you're right. Maybe I've been sitting back and bitching, letting things happen. I should take control. Thanks Father. You've given me an idea.

MICHAEL
I did?

KEVIN RUNS OFF. THE WAITER ENTERS.

WAITER
Father, can I get you another drink?

MICHAEL
Thank you. Just a coke.

WAITER
Sure, no problem. Father, forgive me but, the gentleman you were talking before…is he coming back?

MICHAEL
Er…I think so. Should I let him know you were looking for him? It wouldn't be a problem.

WAITER
No, that's fine thanks. I'll just get your drink

THE WAITER EXITS AS TOM ENTERS AND SITS AT THE TABLE.

MICHAEL
And how goes it, friend?

TOM
You ever have one of those days?

MICHAEL
Occasionally.

TOM
Well times that by forty years and then you know what sort of shit deal I'm getting. Can I speak frankly, Father?

MICHAEL
Well, officially I am not at work but I suppose if you have a confession to make…

TOM
Oh, God, it's not shop. This is off the record. I want you to forget for just one moment if you can that you’re a man of God.

MICHAEL
Oh okay.

TOM
Here. Have a beer.

HE PASSES HIM A BEER.

MICHAEL
Oh, right.

TOM
I’ve even got a couple of joints if you want to share a doobie.

MICHAEL
No, no. Beer’s fine.

TOM
Look, we’re both the same age. Talk to me like a human being. Okay?

MICHAEL
I’ll try.

TOM
I don’t believe you.

MICHAEL
Uh,…um. Shit yeah mate…bloody beaut! No worries. Is that better?

TOM
Much better.

MICHAEL
Broadmeadows Youth Outreach program.

TOM
Good.

MICHAEL
Ken oath!

TOM
Don’t overdue it Father.

MICHAEL
Of course. Sorry. So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?

TOM
I just…don't understand men sometimes.

MICHAEL
I suppose we're all a little complicated. Especially when it comes to understanding ourselves.

TOM
Watch it.

MICHAEL
Huh? Oh sorry. [BEAT] Yeah, right, no wucking furries.

TOM
You know, you meet someone you haven't seen in years and let's just say that when you knew them before, it was quite a passionate and maybe even loving relationship. You meant something to each other. But when you catch up again years later you think, what the hell did I see in him? Why the hell did I bother?

MICHAEL
Well quite possibly you both grew out of each other.

TOM
Or one of us grew up. [PAUSE] But seeing them moving on is such a bugger isn’t it? You aren’t really happy for them, are you? How can they go on with their lives and your life just keeps plodding along?

MICHAEL
[PAUSE] You're talking about Peter, aren’t you?

HE LOOKS AT MICHAEL

TOM
You're very smart for someone who's married to Christ.

MICHAEL
That's nuns. Besides, just because I haven't been in a deep relationship with any one person that doesn’t mean I haven't known what it's like to be in love. Maybe I didn't realise it at the time and maybe that's as far as it was destined to go but it's all part of the one thing. Some of us carry that longing around for many years. But at least you got to act on it. We don't all get that chance.

PAUSE

TOM
You were in love with him once, weren't you?

MICHAEL
We were just teenagers.

TOM
He told me, you know. When I asked him about that photo of you. It took a while to get it out of him. He said you only made love once.

MICHAEL
We had sex.

TOM
That's not what he said. You know, I think he loved you very much but maybe he was afraid. Of getting attached so young, I suppose.

MICHAEL
He said that?

TOM
He told me it broke his heart when he moved away.

MICHAEL
He never told me. We never had the chance.

TOM
Is that why you became a priest? A bit of the old “that bastard broke my heart, lock me up in a convent” type thing?

MICHAEL
No. I actually always knew it was what I wanted. I like people. Deep down I really do.

TOM
Everyone?

MICHAEL
Okay some are a real pain in the arse but…

TOM
Thought as much.

MICHAEL
But every now and then I feel I’ve made a difference to someone’s life. It’s a good feeling.

TOM
Do you know why he’s marrying her?

MICHAEL
I haven’t the foggiest. Most of us stumble through life. Maybe he’s looking for something. Maybe he’s looking for meaning? Maybe I don’t know what on earth I’m talking about! It’s been a long time. He’s a different person now from the boy I knew.

TOM
Why did you come here tonight?

MICHAEL
I don’t know really. Like you I think it was out of curiosity. You wanted to see the man. I wanted to see what had become of the boy. How much his life had changed. Why my life took the direction it took. I wanted to see if the way that I had felt for him was real. I wanted to look into his eyes once more. That time…when we…you know. That was the closest I have ever felt to God. That He allowed this person to be a part of my life for just a little while. It was being in his arms and feeling that love.

TOM
Or maybe you were just a couple of horny teenagers doing it in a darkroom and it felt like you’d gone to heaven and back.

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN BURST OUT LAUGHING.

MICHAEL
Maybe. Look, I guess we are all here for the same reasons. Maybe it's closure. Letting go.

TOM
Do you think if it had gone further it would have made much difference to your life?

MICHAEL
Do you? No, you’re talking about regrets. Somehow I don’t think of this as a “what if” situation. Besides which, if that was the case you could have jumped up in the middle of the ceremony and screamed out “What about me.” Sorry. I do so many boring weddings just once I would like to see it happen.

TOM
Mmm. I think deep down, Father Michael, you have a wicked sense of humour. I like that in a man. Now what would really be wicked is if you went right up and told him exactly how you felt.

MICHAEL
How I felt? On his wedding day?

TOM
Sure, why not. You can always back track and say you were very drunk or stoned. Didn't know what you were saying.

MICHAEL
I might just mull it over a while. At least till after they cut the cake.

TOM
Coward.

MICHAEL
Right back at ya’. I'm gonna take a walk. Get some air.

TOM
Father?

MICHAEL
Mm?

TOM PULLS OUT A JOINT AND OFFERS IT TO HIM. MICHAEL THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A MOMENT THEN TAKES IT.

MICHAEL
I come from a very progressive order.

MICHAEL EXITS. KEVIN ENTERS AND PUTS ON HIS COAT. HE IS AGITATED.

TOM
And where have you been, you naughty little monkey?

KEVIN
I had to talk to Peter.

TOM
And did you make him see the error of his ways

KEVIN
I think so. He seemed to get it in the end.

TOM
And what did he say?

KEVIN
Not much.

KEVIN ZIPS UP HIS TROUSERS

TOM
[BEAT] You had sex with him, didn't you?

KEVIN
Yes I did.

TOM
You little bastard. How could you? On his wedding day!

KEVIN
Actually I got the idea from Father Michael.

TOM
So that's what the church has come to, has it?

KEVIN
Actually, he just gave me the idea.

TOM
What is it, exactly this man of the cloth was saying to you?

KEVIN
Nothing drastic. But he got me thinking. And I guess it was the lay Catholic in me.

TOM
In this case I think it was the easy lay Catholic.

KEVIN
Look, I would love to discuss this with you, but I'm in a hurry.

TOM
You're leaving already?

KEVIN
Let's just say that certain events in my most recent past have warranted a most expeditious departure from the scene of the crime.

TOM
What does that all mean?

KEVIN
It means the bride caught the groom giving me head behind the skip, she’s gone berserko, the marriage is probably off and if my parents catch me I’m a dead man. Nice to meet you. Perhaps we'll talk again. See you at his next wedding.

KEVIN GOES TO EXIT AS MICHAEL COMES BACK

Bye Father. Remember…don't dunk the wafers into the wine. They always find out. By the way…love the blouse.

HE EXITS

MICHAEL
What's happening? I heard screaming in the laneway next door.

TOM
Apparently the groom was found in an act of flagrante delicto with someone of another genital persuasion to the bride.

MICHAEL
With who?

MICHAEL LOOKS AT KEVIN'S EMPTY CHAIR.

MICHAEL
Oh.

TOM
It seems our boy wonder has seized the day…by the ears and banged it into bachelor-hood.

MICHAEL
We seemed to all have a bit of a history with this person. Well, I might get going myself. It was nice meeting you. Have yourself a nice trip back.

TOM
I will Father. It's been nice meeting you.

MICHAEL IS ABOUT TO EXIT WHEN THE WAITER RETURNS.

MICHAEL
Ah, I'm sorry. My young friend has left quite hurriedly. You might be able to catch him in the car park if you run.

WAITER
Oh, no Father. You're mistaken. That wasn't the gentleman I meant.

MICHAEL
Oh, I see.

MICHAEL EXITS AS THE WAITER LOOKS AT TOM AND SMILES.

TOM
Well, this could be interesting after all.
 

END