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RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD
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Telephone 61 2  9281 9622
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Copyright © Steven Dawson 1999.

Characters

BRIAN
GORDON
ROBBIE
BRAD
 
 
 

First Performance  August 26th 1999
David Williamson Theatres
Melbourne Australia
 
 

Cast
 

Brian	Christopher  White
Gordon	Iain Murton
Robbie	Luke Gallagher
Brad	Paul Marshall
Directed by	Steven Dawson
Produced by	Out Cast Theatre

SCENE ONE

BRIAN STANDS IN A SPOTLIGHT
 

BRIAN
Now, it’s happened purely by chance. I was at a disco…sorry, nightclub, this is not the seventies, and it’s middle of the week so there’s no-one out. I’m feeling good. I’m feeling prepared. I’ve got the bottle of amyl, I’m in my best pair of 501’s, I’m carrying no excess baggage if you know what I mean and I gotta tell you, I was looking pretty damn good. Well, pretty damn good for someone who goes out mid week without his friends to get trashed on amyl and a few too many Bundy and cokes…so many that his back teeth are floating…and has to get up at 7am to go teach a whole lot of year 8 kids a whole lot of geography they don’t give a whole lot of shit about and to tell you the truth, neither do I. It’s taken me only ten years in the teaching profession to realise that a: I hate teaching and b: I hate those fucking kids. Everyone’s a smart arse. You know I think there should be more teachers running amok with guns at high schools than depressed students.

But hey, I’m at the disco. I love the nightlife. I’ve got to boogie. There’s no-one on the dance floor. I’ve got the whole place to myself…just about. I plant my drink on the speaker and get out there. [BLONDIE’S HEART OF GLASS IS PLAYING. A MIRROR BALL DROPS DOWN. HE STARTS DANCING] Yes, it’s true. All my friends will tell you. I dance like a happy pitbull. But a happy pit bull with rhythm. I’m out there. I swinging. I’m dancing. I’m moving to the groovin’. I’ve whipped out the amyl. Zonk. It’s up the nozzie so fast it’s almost burnt off my top lip with entry. The music is pulsing. My head feels hot. I’m a smacked out disco Barbie and I don’t care who knows it! Ooh-ooh. For 20 minutes I am so into it that I don’t notice the other body dancing right next to me. There’s got to be like 50 square metres of empty dance floor and I’m getting bumped into by someone. How much room does this arsehole want?! One bump into me and I’m thinking okay, accidental. Thirty or forty bumps and I’m thinking, someone wants my attention. I look around and get a look at the interloper. I notice the black doc martens. Boots, 16 hole lace ups. Not your girlie flats. This guy is hip. Then the nicely faded, not too baggy blue jeans and long legs. The black t-shirt filled out nicely but no muscle Mary and then the blond hair, short, sun bleached and the smile. Well not so much the smile but a shit eating grin. Sorry about that. Got that phrase from my mother’s side of the family.

Back to black t-shirt. He’s a little taller than me. About 6 inches taller actually but a quick bang to the back of the knees and they always bend to the right level if you know what I mean. He’s moving around me in twirls and bumps like a deranged printing press. I’m thinking, mm, this guy is cute. Cute as a button and with absolutely no sense of rhythm whatsoever. It’s so lovely in a completely sheltered workshop kind of way. Those are the sort of people you just want to reach out and hug. Who cares about the starving in Africa? Who cares about the homeless? This is a gay man who can’t keep a beat! Oh, the humanity. I say organise a telethon now! He’s moving like no big fat mama. He’s revolving around me like some psychotic satellite. Occasionally he swings around me and his hand touches my side. Open. That’s no accident. He likes me, he really likes me. And who can blame him? I’m gorgeous. I only needed those ten Bundy and cokes and half a bucket of amyl to put things into perspective. I must have looked great. He obviously has taste. I am so into the moment I can use phrases like “into the moment” and still sound hip. We’re moving about. We’re so funky people standing around must have looked at us in awe. I’m smiling. I fling out a little tricky move and he notices. This boy knows how to boogie. Boogie…that’s not a word you hear enough of. I fling my head back and laugh at some very clever thing I must’ve thought of. God knows what. He notices that too.

I’m so brilliant, I’m so funky, I’m so…pissed. The room starts to swirl. I’m just seeing the lights. God, they’re hideous! The floor is lifting up towards me I gotta tell you I was getting a little panicked. Suddenly the nightmare has happened. I’ve lost the tempo to the song. I look to see if he’s noticed. But I can’t focus. I’m standing in the middle of an almost empty dance floor trying to touch my nose like a roadside sobriety test. I gotta get off this friggin’ dance floor before he notices. Now I’m starting to taste the sweet & sour pork I had two hours earlier. I gotta get off the dance floor before we all of us get to see the live show. On the wall! I lurch towards the banister. I try to look cool. I move through the mid week losers; don’t these people have jobs to go to in the morning? [THE MUSIC BECOMES MUFFLED] I make my way to the loo. Three cubicles. One is filled with 2 pairs of feet. The other has just one pair of feet and one pair of knees. Cant imagine what’s going on there! They really should get more loos in this place. I make it to door number three just in time. I un-swallow like it’s nobody’s business. I’m sure a saw lung. Can’t understand what it could’ve been. Maybe the sweet and sour was off. Like a lady I wipe the sides of my mouth with toilet paper, flush and make my way out of the cubicle.

After rinsing my mouth out at the sink I’m checking out in the mirror to see if there’s any collateral damage. I turn and slip in a puddle of, and God I hope it was, water. I fall flat on my arse and my trousers soak up the remains of the puddle. At that point of course he had to walk in, didn’t he. [MUSIC GOES LOUD THEN MUFFLED ONCE MORE] I heard his deep voice. Well, that’s a plus. He asks me if I’m okay as he helps me up. He says I’m looking a little worse for wear and maybe he should take me home. I say “thank you. I’ll be fine.” I turn and slip in the puddle again and I’m back on my fat soaked arse! He helps me up again and this time I don’t argue with him. We go out to his car. [MUSIC FADES] It’s one of the little jeep Cherokee convertibles. I’m about to get into the passenger side when I realise there’s no seat. Apparently it’s being repaired and would I mind sitting in the back. I say “Sure, why not?” So he’s up front getting all nice and warm and I’m stuck in the back of what may as well be a Ute in the middle of fucking freezing winter for a 30 minute drive popping tic tacs all the way to his place. When we get there I can hardly feel my legs from the cold. My teeth are chattering like a lunatic and I’m suddenly really, really sober.

We get inside and there’s this…smell. I thought for one God-awful moment that it was me. Turns out it’s the house. He has animals. I find this out because as soon as a I walk I the door I’m knocked to the fucking floor by this great bloody black standard poodle. Those bastards are huge. Not your little foo-foo poodles that queens should have. This one was half the size a horse. There’s also a baby cockatoo that won’t shut up and a son of a bitch cat with attitude who refuses to give up the bed. He says to make myself comfy while he goes to clean his teeth. I do. I kick the cat halfway up the hallway and no, that’s not a metaphor. Then I put the bloody bird outside. Don’t think it’s too cold. Then I quickly scurry back to the bedroom. I won't go into details because…well you can buy a copy of the video later, but the sex was really pretty good considering. He was pretty much a perfect lover. For the layperson that means I just had to lie there. Hey, if they’re that eager let them do all the work, I say. Of course the next morning I woke before him. I spent 5 minutes pulling the cat hair on the pillow out my mouth then I went to bring his bird back in before he woke up. I honestly didn’t know birds could go that stiff. Needless to say he was shocked when he noticed Polly didn’t want a cracker anymore. I call in sick at work then spend 2 hours consoling him and another two years waiting with him for his cat to come home. Perhaps I should have cut my losses and stayed on the floor of the loo. Ain’t love grand? Who says romance is dead? Ooh-ooh.

LIGHTS FADE
 

SCENE TWO
 

LIGHTS COME UP ON THREE MEN, STANDING UPSTAGE AND LOOKING AT THE MAN STANDING DOWNSTAGE RIGHT. HE IS STILL.
 

GORDON
So, who is he?

ROBBIE
How the fuck do I know? I ain’t had him.

GORDON
We know that, you sap. He’d have mental health minders hanging around, mopping up his drool after 5 minutes in your company.

ROBBIE
You’re very funny for a geriatric. Now go suck on a walking frame.

BRIAN
You know, he reminds me of someone.

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN AT BRIAN

GORDON & ROBBIE
Brad Pitt?

BRIAN
Brad Pitt.

ROBBIE
Everyone reminds you of Brad Pitt.

BRIAN
That’s not true.

GORDON
No? You’re last boyfriend. First thing you said to me after meeting him you said he reminded you of Brad Pitt.

BRIAN
Well he did.

ROBBIE
He looked like nothing of the sort.

GORDON
He looked like Benji with a blow-wave.

ROBBIE
Benji with a blow-wave.

BRIAN
Oh, shut up the both of you. You’re putting me off.

GORDON
Off what?

BRIAN
Him.

GORDON
Him? Who him?

ROBBIE
Her him.

GORDON
Her?

ROBBIE
Him.

GORDON
Oh, her. I’m getting a headache.

ROBBIE
He looks like trade.

BRIAN
What?

ROBBIE
Trade. He looks like trade to me. Bring your money with you.

BRIAN
Oh rubbish. You think everyone’s trade.

GORDON
Most of the ones he meets are.

ROBBIE TURNS AND LOOKS AT GORDON.

ROBBIE
Nice hair. Don’t you think it’s time it was tagged and released back into the wild?

GORDON
Do not start with me. You will not win.

ROBBIE
Hey look. He moved. That’s a plus. Go talk to him.

BRIAN
Talk to him?

GORDON
Well I’ve seen your mime. Talking might be better.

BRIAN
And what do I say to him?

ROBBIE
Who cares.

BRIAN
I can’t just pick someone up in a bar.

GORDON
Are you sure you’re gay?

ROBBIE
Why not?

BRIAN
Because I’ve never picked up someone in a bar. I wouldn’t know what to say. I’ve had 3 relationships in my life and none of them started off in anything as tacky as a bar.

GORDON
Yes and what good did that do you? The first two ended up with each other and the third ripped you off for everything you had!

BRIAN
Well…just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m good at it.

ROBBIE
Besides, who said anything about a relationship. You’re out for a wriggle.

BRIAN
A wriggle. You’re such a romantic.

GORDON
Now go talk to him.

BRIAN
And what am I supposed to say?

ROBBIE
Say you want a root. I’ve found that works.

BRIAN
I don’t want a root.

GORDON
Wash your mouth out. There are children in Africa who can’t even get a root.

BRIAN
Why are you trying to palm him off on me? Why don’t you two go after him?

GORDON
I can’t. I’m in a semi, quasi almost exclusive possible relationship…

ROBBIE
With his right hand.

GORDON
…and she can’t. She’s probably on a course of antibiotics.

BRIAN
You know. It’s always the same with you two. Every time we go out you try to match me up with someone. Did it occur to you that maybe I don’t want anyone?

GORDON
Rubbish. How can anyone not want someone?

BRIAN
Some people aren’t made for relationships. I guess I’m one of them.

GORDON
People spend their whole lives wanting someone. That’s how we’re made. You mate and then you die.

ROBBIE
No. That’s how you mate. Then you bite off their heads.

GORDON
If I throw a stick will you leave?

ROBBIE
Now go talk to him.

BRIAN
I…

GORDON
Go.

BRIAN
Alright, alright. I hate having evil stepsisters.

HE STARTS TO MOVE TOWARDS THE MAN. HE IS JUST ABOUT TO SPEAK TO HIM WHEN THE MAN TURNS AND WANDERS OFF. BRIAN LOOKS AT THE OTHER TWO. THEY LOOK EMBARRASSED AND WANDER OFF AS WELL. BLACKOUT
 

SCENE THREE

SPOT COMES UP ON BRIAN

BRIAN
Now those first couple of weeks with dog boy were pretty good. When I went out sometimes I’d bump into him. Well, him and his useless waste of space flatmate. It’s Murphy’s law, isn’t it? Gorgeous new boyfriend always has to have a best friend you’d love to throw in an acid bath…if that’s not too Snowtown for ya’. They always seem to be there, always in your face doubling the drinks round and never paying for one and that Frau Blucher sneer on their moosh and they’re always the less attractive  hanger on you go out of your way to help meet people so that you can at least get them the fuck away from your new lover. But, like I was saying, we’d see each other out and maybe we’d go home together. And even when you’re friends tell you that they think he’s trouble you’ve suddenly gone all Marlee Matlin and you ain’t hearing a goddamn thing! The sex gets better and better. I had less and less to do if that’s possible. He was very attentive to my needs. Pretty soon we were spending planned nights together which turned into planned weekends together and finally weeknights together and before you can say “Slap my ass and please sir may I have another,” we’re an item. Well, I thought we were an item. You know, I should have been suspicious the first time I heard him mention the ex-boyfriend. Or the first time is saw a picture of his ex-boyfriend…still in his wallet! What did I need? A bang over the head with a mallet? Then there was the odd phone call late at night from the ex. He’d get out of bed and go into another room to take the call. I lost count of the times I got a bruised and bloody ear from him opening the door while I was on the other side, eavesdropping. Honestly…where’s the trust in a relationship? He’d blow it off, playing it all so innocent and I’m like “Sure. I believe you.” But then there were the times when he wouldn’t call you for days and you know his ex is in town or you see his car parked outside his local beat. Which you just happened to be driving past, of course, on your way to….something. Then you start to wonder where he’s spending those nights when you haven’t hooked up. His spastic flatmate says he’s out playing tennis or visiting his grandmother but just how many old peoples homes are open till 2 in the morning and serve cocktails? Then you start to hate him, the lying sleazy bastard and you really hate the flatmate and then you find yourself parked outside his house on a Monday night at 11.30 wondering why his car isn’t there, and why hasn’t he called me and “What the hell is going on? I thought we had a relationship!” [BEAT] Am I sharing too much?

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE FOUR
 

A CAFÉ. TWO TABLES NEXT TO EACH OTHER. GORDON AND BRIAN ARE SITTING DRINKING COFFEE. BRIAN IS LOOKING COLD. GORDON READS A GAY NEWSPAPER.

BRIAN
I still think we should have sat inside. Its freezing. Every time I turn around my nipples scratch the café window.

GORDON
Makes a change from pushing up carpet tiles. Besides, I like it out here.

BRIAN
Bullshit. You just like checking out the trade walking past.

GORDON
I do….

SOMEONE WALKS PAST HIM. HE STOPS AND WATCHES THE PERSON GO PAST.

…not.

BRIAN
Sorry. Don’t know what I was thinking.

GORDON
And what happened to you last night?

BRIAN
You mean after you deserted me, you piece of crap.

GORDON
That’s right.

BRIAN
Well, like any sane person who’s just been humiliated I went home. You?

GORDON
Oh, I went home as well.

BRIAN
Yours?

GORDON
But of course, buttock chops.

BRIAN
Directly? Or did you put on your knee pads and work your way west?

GORDON
I haven’t done that for years…weeks…days. Besides, like I told you last night, I’m seeing someone.

BRIAN
Exclusively?

GORDON
Mm…okay.

BRIAN
Thought as much.

GORDON
Cocky killer.

BRIAN
Oh. Bitch.

GORDON
And why did we go home?

BRIAN
Look, I don’t need people rejecting me to realise I’m not having an impact.

GORDON
People aren’t rejecting you. You’re just not putting yourself out there.

BRIAN
As opposed to just putting out?

GORDON
The trouble with you is, you don’t know how to sell yourself.

BRIAN
Is this a change of game plan?

GORDON
Much as you want them to the right person isn’t gonna just fall into your lap. Face first or otherwise. You have to make an effort.

BRIAN
I do make an effort.

GORDON
Oh really? What did you do last Saturday night?

BRIAN
Uh…I stayed in.

GORDON
Exactly.

BRIAN
I had a cold.

GORDON
Then wack some Vicks on your chest, get out there and suck some dick!

BRIAN
Mother! You’re very common. Does the warden know you’re out?

BRAD ENTERS CARRYING A COFFEE AND SITS AT THE NEXT TABLE. HE READS. THE OTHER TWO DO NOT NOTICE HIM.

GORDON
I don’t know how you do it.

BRIAN
Do what?

GORDON
Get through the day without being with someone for at least 10mins.

BRIAN
I’m with people all day.

GORDON
You’re with kids. They don’t count. Or in your case they probably can’t count. I mean groin on groin, holding someone, touching someone.

BRIAN
You’re talking about sex. That’s not what I’m after. I can get that anytime.

GORDON
Yeah right. No, I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about physical contact. I think a person should at least be given a kiss or a hug once a day. It’s pretty tragic when the smallest thing like a little peck on the cheek is denied us. I couldn’t live with myself.

THEY WATCH ANOTHER PERSON WALK PAST THEM

BRIAN
Too skinny.

GORDON
Looks like a hockey stick with hair.

BRIAN
What were we talking about?

GORDON
But that ain’t your problem.

BRIAN
It isn’t?

GORDON
No. Your problem is you don’t allow yourself to get close to anyone. You cut yourself off from half the human race chasing after some pathetic Mills & Boon idea of Mr. Right who for all we know doesn’t exist. You delude yourself into believing he’s out there. Has it occurred to that maybe he isn’t?

BRIAN
Yes, that thought has crossed my mind.

GORDON
And what happens if he doesn’t come along? After you’ve put off every person who’s ever came near you?

BRIAN
I don’t do that.

GORDON
You do. How many times have I introduced you to people in the last 6 months and it’s come to nothing?

BRIAN
A couple.

GORDON
40! 40 people.

BRIAN
Really?

GORDON
Uh-huh.

BRIAN
That many? You’ve got too much time on your hands. You need a hobby.

GORDON
Don’t get flippant with me Cocky killer.

BRIAN
Stop saying that.

GORDON
And you know what they all say?

BRIAN
You do a gallop poll after my dates? What? What do they say?

GORDON
They say you’re the coldest fish they’ve ever met.

BRIAN
Do they?

GORDON
They say you should be dipped in brine and stuffed in a can.

BRIAN
Who said that?

GORDON
They all say that!

BRIAN
That’s not a very nice thing to say about someone.

GORDON
And how do you think I feel?

BRIAN
You?

GORDON
Uh-huh. You think I like people talking about my best friend like that? I don’t want people saying “There goes Gordon. His best friend’s a mullet.”

BRIAN
Could be worse.

GORDON
No it couldn’t. No it couldn’t. And you know why? Because it reflects on me. After a while I come across as some psychotic Perfect Match compere.

BRIAN
Ah.

GORDON
And no matter what you think, Brad Pitt is not gonna fall out of the sky, sweep you off you feet and take you away from all of this.

BRIAN
You never know.

GORDON
Oh I do know. He’s straight.

BRIAN
He’s in denial.

GORDON
He’s with Jennifer Anniston!

BRIAN
She’s a man, baby.

GORDON
You’re an idiot. The trouble with you is you keep looking for something that’s probably right under your very nose.

BRAD LEANS IN.

BRAD
Excuse me. Could I use your sugar?

BRIAN
What? Oh, yeah sure.

GORDON
With you it ain’t a case of  “love makes you blind”. It’s being “loveless” that’s made you sight impaired.

BRIAN
Now who says you have to be paired off and happily settled down? Maybe I haven’t finished sowing my wild oats.

GORDON
Your wild oats turned to mushy porridge years ago. Besides…gay men sow their wild oats when they’re under 30. At your age you’re just ploughing up the field and honey…the harvest has long gone.

BRAD LEANS IN AGAIN AND PASSES BACK THE SUGAR

BRAD
Thanks.

BRIAN
No problem.

GORDON
So buck up me boyo. You’re wasting your life [SINGS] “looking for love in all the wrong places.”

BRIAN
Thank you. We’ll let you know.

GORDON
You just have to allow yourself to fall in love. You can’t always be that guarded.

BRIAN
I have a computer, porn, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? And you forget…I’ve had three relationships.

GORDON
Three? That’s what straight men have. You’re gay! Three is what you have in a week! Or you’ve ruined three relationships. Which is just as much fun.

THEY WATCH SOMEONE WALK PAST

BRIAN
What if you’re a drag queen?

GORDON
Five. [YELLING OUT AFTER THE PERSON] It’s not a noble profession no matter how many awards they give themselves! [THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, CROSS THEIR LEGS AND SUCK IN THEIR CHEEKS AT THE SAME TIME] So my advice to you is get out there and get amongst it. Say no to no-one because you, my petal, are past your prime and if you’re not making someone’s life a misery in a relationship by now you’re like most of the fuckwit old bastards I talk to on the phone every day. You’re taking up space and oxygen.

BRIAN
You’ve really picked a good industry to be in. Customer service really brings out the warm and fuzzy in you.

GORDON
Do I look like a people person? The public are brain dead cunts. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

BRIAN
I’m heading off.

SOMEONE ELSE WALKS PAST. THEY STARE.

BRIAN
Cute.

GORDON
Very. Still…wasn’t packing.

BRIAN
Huh?

GORDON
Lot of space in that front gusset.

BRIAN
What?

GORDON
No banana lounge on that patio.

BRIAN
Oh. Nice that you notice these things.

GORDON
Such a pity. Still…as long as she takes it like a chook it all balances out. I like to have something to slap as it goes around.

BRIAN
You’re vile.

GORDON
Thank you for noticing. It’s only been ten years.

BRIAN
Murderers get less.

GORDON
Murderers at least get laid.

BRIAN
You staying?

GORDON
Mm-mm. I still like a parade. [LOOKS AT BRIAN] Though there’s still too many freaks. Not enough circuses. I’ll talk to you soon. And remember what I said before.

BRIAN
Thank you Glenda. How can I forget? It’s engrained in my memory. Thanks for your input.

GORDON
Think nothing of it.

BRIAN
I do.

BRIAN LEAVES. GORDON SITS THERE FOR A MOMENT LOOKING AT THE  NEWSPAPER.

GORDON
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

HE LOOKS AT THE PAPER THEN. HE LOOKS AT BRAD. DOES A DOUBLE TAKE HE LOOKS BACK AT THE PAPER. BRAD GETS UP AS GORDON IS ABOUT TO SPEAK. BRAD EXITS.

Bugger! Well, what do you know? He is trade.
 

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE FIVE

BRIAN
Now, those in the know would have you believe that love lasts forever. They obviously haven’t dated the bastards I’ve been out with! So you’ve broken up. Not that you knew it was coming or anything. Sure, he hinted at it over the phone when you called him up and demanded to know why he hadn’t returned any of your calls. And that has got to be the worse break up. Over the phone. “I think we need time apart.” ”Oh yeah? How would you like your head pulled apart from the rest of your body, you two-faced, lying, deceitful, sleeping around with everyone, piece of shit with your ex-boyfriend and your skanky flatmate and the gorgeous way you sucked my dick so brilliantly but then you were sucking everyone else’s as well and I’m the last to know!” But you don’t say that, do you? You say “Okay. No problem. I’ve been dumped by bigger dicks with bigger dicks than you! [BEAT] What’s that? Can you call me? You still want us to be friends? Fine. Lets drag this out for another 6 months of pure misery because I love the sex and damn it I really loved him!”

BLACKOUT
 

SCENE SIX
 

BRIAN STANDS FACING OFF STAGE AS IN A QUEUE. HE OCCASIONALLY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. HE IS BECOMING VERY IMPATIENT. ROBBIE ENTERS AND STANDS AND STANDS BEHIND HIM.

ROBBIE
See something you like buddy?

BRIAN
You're late.

ROBBIE
And you're ugly. Yet life goes on. How do you explain it?

BRIAN
I told you 9pm sharp.

ROBBIE
You did? Sorry. I was running on EDQT.

BRIAN
EDQT?

ROBBIE
Estimated Drag Queen Time.

BRIAN
Very funny.

ROBBIE
Did you get the tickets?

BRIAN
Yes I got the tickets. You owe me $20. Don't leave the country.

ROBBIE
I'll get the popcorn.

BRIAN
I want a big one.

ROBBIE
Bit late for that, pet. Your hand was dealt a long time ago. Let it go.

BRIAN
Why are you late, anyway?

ROBBIE
Well, of course it was bumper to bumper. 6pm and the roads are clogged with every queen trying to get home in time for Judge Judy. I almost missed it myself. Then I had to catch up on my Ricky Lake tapes. It's been a very gay week. My Wife Hates It When Men Hit On Me…Okay, You're Gay But What's With The Hair. And my personal favourite…My Husband's Getting Out Of Prison Today And He's Got A Friend.

BRIAN
I think I might have dated him.

ROBBIE
I swear…between that lot and Judge Judy pretty soon I'm gonna be looking for a support group. Where's Old Ma Moses?

BRIAN
He's running late as well, I suppose.

ROBBIE
Don't you hate that? Tardy queens.

BRIAN
I don't know why we have to come here tonight. The movie's probably going to get a general release at some tiny overpriced pretentious little flea pit anyway. We could have seen it then.

ROBBIE
Because this is a film festival, my sweet. A gay one. No censorship. You might get to see dick.

BRIAN
It amazes me how queen's will spend 20-30 bucks on some gay film screening just for the chance to see a bit of willy when they've probably got garages full of porn at home?

ROBBIE
I don't know. Maybe they're all trying to expand their minds.

BRIAN
I've told you before, a hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. It's always the same with these festivals screenings. Lots of desperate single gay guys hoping to pick up someone humpy and the rest, gay couples looking miserable and wishing they were single for at least the night. You can always spot the married one's of course.

ROBBIE
Really?

BRIAN
Mm-mm. They're the ones you see at bars who spend every chance they get talking to everyone else but their husbands. Gay couples do not talk to each other at bars. It's a fact. Most of them are trying to imagine themselves single again. Especially when something gorgeous walks through the door. It's like reliving their youth.

ROBBIE
Why are you talking like this? Oh I get it. You've been to see your shrink today, haven't you?

BRIAN
Uh-huh.

ROBBIE
I knew it. You know, I can always tell when you've been to see that schmuck. You get all "stand on your soapbox making observations about the world" serious.

BRIAN
No I don't. Do I?

ROBBIE
I don't know why you're still even seeing that guy. So some guy broke your heart. So you did a little stalking. So he got a restraining order against you. Who hasn't? I know one queen who got a Apprehended Violence Order against his boyfriend because he wouldn't do the washing up! Besides…what does a straight 40 yr old married man from Moonee Ponds know about being gay?

BRIAN
For your information, and hard as it is to believe, we don't just talk about being gay. There are other things we talk about.

ROBBIE
Such as?

BRIAN
Well….

ROBBIE
Thought as much. He's probably in denial. Your sessions just let him get his rocks off.

BRIAN
And he's not a shrink. He's a social worker.

ROBBIE
No, a social worker is what you have if you live in a housing commission flat and shoot up in the stairwell. What you have here is a bona fide, one hundred percent couch-sucking, shrink-er-roon-ee.

BRIAN
Well whatever he is, I find him comforting.

ROBBIE
A $75 for 50 minutes a blow job better be involved or he should be reported.

GORDON ENTERS AND PUSHES ROBBIE OUT OF THE WAY

GORDON
Thank you for warming my seat. You may go now.

ROBBIE
If I was warming your seat it would have taken more than just my arse.

GORDON
Sorry I'm late.

BRIAN
That's okay.

ROBBIE
Hey, you make a big deal about me being so late. She's worse than me. [TO GORDON] What's the matter? Snag your calliper in the invalid's taxi?

GORDON
Brian, petal, I know you're a benevolent soul but when you bring your grandmother out, can you bring her teeth as well? All I'm seeing is spinach on her gums. By the way, this film….

BRIAN
What about it?

GORDON
Does it have any dick in it?

BRIAN
A little.

GORDON
A little dick? Well, that's not gonna get my juices flowing.

ROBBIE
And she's wearing her pregnancy strength gusset today.

GORDON
What's this one called then?

ROBBIE
Trade.

GORDON
Where?

ROBBIE
No, that's the name of the movie.

BRIAN
Film.

ROBBIE
What?

BRIAN
A movie is something you go to see. A film is something you go to be seen at.

GORDON
You've been to your shrink, haven't you?

ROBBIE
He sure has.

GORDON
What the hell did you go to him for? I thought you gave that up months ago.

ROBBIE
We all did.

BRIAN
I was feeling fragile.

GORDON
Fragile? Fragile? I don't understand the concept. You're a gay men. You have to be vicious. You have to be ruthless. You have to be easy.

ROBBIE
Are those the names of the angels who watch over you?

GORDON
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. God I need a drink.

ROBBIE
There’s a shock.

GORDON
Where’s the bar?

BRIAN
We haven’t got time. We’re about to go in.

GORDON
Bastard. Are we eating first? I haven't had dinner yet.

BRIAN
I thought after the film.

GORDON
After the film. That's 2 hrs away. I'll have wasted away by then.

ROBBIE
To a mere half ton?

GORDON
I'm so hungry I could bite the bum off a pig.

ROBBIE
Well, we are what we eat.

BRIAN
Then you must be fast, cheap and easy.

ROBBIE
And which dwarf are you?

BRAD ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND THEM IN THE QUEUE. THEY DON'T NOTICE HIM.

GORDON
Well, this is gorgeous. I love a big sparkly opening.

ROBBIE
Zank you doctor.

GORDON
And so many pretty ones.

ROBBIE
I haven't recognised a single face. Sure, there's the tops of plenty of heads but that's another story.

GORDON
And one guaranteed to make us lose our lunch.

ROBBIE
God, it's just like the dance parties.  Day to day, you're bumping into uglies...

GORDON
Instead of just bumping uglies?

ROBBIE
And yet the minute some big “do” happens all the gorgeous ones crawl out of the woodwork. Who do these fuckers hide the rest of the year? In a big warehouse? "Queens-R-Us?" They can't all be at home playing mummies and daddies.

BRIAN
They're all at the gym.

THEY BOTH LOOK AT HIM

Well, most of them.

GORDON
So...what did he say?

BRIAN
Who?

GORDON
Your shrink. You know...I think I've had him.

BRIAN
I doubt it.

ROBBIE
It's very possible, you know. She's had everyone else.

GORDON
Quiet in the peanut gallery, thank you.

ROBBIE
Just stating the obvious.

GORDON
And you can talk. You’ve had your feet behind your ears so often you’ve got athlete’s lobes!

BRIAN
Well, in this case I think it was only in your mind.

GORDON
Well, he didn't mind and I didn't mind. [PAUSE] So, what bizarro psychotic episode made you run off to see him this time?

ROBBIE
He was feeling fragile.

GORDON
Fragile?! You're about as fragile as a six foot drag queen who's been denied her drink card! You're about as fragile as a brick karzi.

ROBBIE
Only not as aesthetic.

GORDON
I keep telling you, you don't need a shrink. [TO ROBBIE] What did I say he needed?

ROBBIE
A couple of years on a stair master and complete facial reconstruction.

GORDON GLARES AT ROBBIE.

GORDON
That was a joke! It could be taken many ways. No, what I said was you just have to get over it.

BRIAN
Over what?

ROBBIE
Yeah, over what?

GORDON
Him!

ROBBIE
Him. Who him?

GORDON
We've already done that, thank you. Let's move on.

BRIAN
I didn't see my shrink because of my ex-boyfriend.

GORDON
You didn't?

ROBBIE
No?

BRIAN
No, of course not. I was over that selfish, brain-dead sack of shit six months ago.

ROBBIE
Then why?

BRIAN
Well, if you must know...

GORDON
Oh, we must…

GORDON & ROBBIE
We must.

BRIAN
Shit. You sound like Chip and Dale. Well, I've been feeling kinda...kinda lonely lately.

GORDON
Lonely?

ROBBIE
Lonely?

GORDON
How can you be lonely with us?

BRIAN
[PAUSE] Yes, it's a mystery to me as well.

GORDON
I've told you what you have to do. Zip up your cocktails slack, hose down the doona and get out there and party!

ROBBIE
Oh, but do something with the hair first.

GORDON
Yes. The hair.

BRIAN
The hair?

ROBBIE
Mm-mm. You look like that Brains guy from Thunderbirds.

BRIAN
As opposed to Lady Penelope?

ROBBIE
You might also like to re-think the voice.

BRIAN
What's wrong with my voice?

GORDON
You sound like an acting teacher.

BRIAN
What?

ROBBIE
You sound like a prig.

BRIAN AND GORDON LOOK AT HIM.

I said "prig."

THEY STILL LOOK AT HIM.

It's a word. I looked it up.

GORDON
You must've been waiting years to work that one into a conversation.

ROBBIE
Oh, be quiet, you bitter old bat. Why must you always resort to faggy humour to get attention? For once in your life stop being so god-awful "yes we've heard all those lines" boring and try thinking about someone else for change?

GORDON
What are you on about?

ROBBIE
Can't you see our friend is in need?

BRIAN
I am?

ROBBIE
Of course you are. Look at you...you're a mess?

BRIAN
Thanks for the support.

ROBBIE
Oh, I guess I'm just as much to blame. You could even accuse me of being insensitive. You've come to me with your troubles and I may even have dismissed them. We're, both of us, guilty as hell. We make cheap shots at your expense and we rarely support you emotionally. We've gotten on with our lives and completely ignored your pathetic cry for help. I mean, look at you. It should have been so obvious. You, with your saggy arse and pasty complexion. You fashion sense all shot in a nasty peasant blouse with the barest of accessories. No sense of style and even less of personal hygiene. Oh it just breaks my heart to watch your suffering. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

GORDON
Are you done?

ROBBIE
Thank you, yes.

BRIAN
Die in pain, witch.

ROBBIE
Well, I tried.

GORDON
[TO BRIAN] I'll have to apologise for my friend.  She's had a hard life. When she was young she was gored by her mother. She's been nasty ever since.

ROBBIE
Me nasty? Don't you talk. [TO BRIAN] Her Barbie doll's first name was Klaus!

BRIAN
When is this line gonna start moving?

GORDON
What do I look like? An usherette?

ROBBIE
No. A curette.

GORDON
You're asking the wrong person.

ROBBIE
I'll say this...There ain't many girls here tonight.

THEY LOOK AT HIM.

Present company excluded of course.

GORDON
Of course there aren't. This one doesn't have any muff in it! What's the point?

ROBBIE
Women are so shallow.

GORDON
Exactly. By the way...just how much dick are we seeing tonight anyway?

ROBBIE
A bit.

GORDON
A bit? For twenty bucks I want erections, cum shots and beautiful bouncing buns in the first 15 mins or I'm gonna scream my jubblies off.

ROBBIE
You'll have to pull 'em out of your belt first.

BRIAN
Which reminds me...you owe me $20, hag.

GORDON
Later.

BRIAN
I'll hold my breath.

GORDON
Do that. I'm having to do that anyway. Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?

BRIAN
It was a gift.

GORDON
You smell like a treatment farm.

BRIAN
I got it from you.

GORDON
Really?

BRIAN
Last Christmas.

GORDON
You're very lucky to have such friends...or any friends, for that matter. Oh this is no good. I’m going crazy. [HE STEPS FORWARD. LOUDLY] Hello everyone. My name’s Gordon and I am an alcoholic. [BEAT] Can someone get me a drink?

BRIAN
Very clever.

GORDON
Bastards.

BRAD LEANS IN TO ROBBIE.

BRAD
Excuse me. You got a light?

ROBBIE
Sorry. Don’t smoke.

BRAD
Not to worry.

GORDON
Now you know what I think you should do?

BRIAN
Oh here it comes again. What? What do you think I should do?

ROBBIE STARTS TO STARE AT BRAD. HE NUDGES GORDON. GORDON IGNORES HIM.

GORDON
I think you should march into that wacko shrink’s office and tell him you don’t need him or his candy-assed, psycho social-working scuzz-bag advice. Then you should move your arse to the nearest sauna, climb on top of a cubicle, spread your flaps and hang-glide on to the first humpy number that walks past because you, my sweet, just need the love of a good man to fix what ails you.

BRIAN
And what good will that do for me? No, that’s not what I need at all. What I need is a lover who doesn’t feel the need to go off with someone else the minute my back is turned. What I need is someone who can show me respect.

GORDON
Well, Aretha, before you launch into your number maybe you should think about not setting so many obstacles in the way. Just because you got your fingers burnt by a couple of fuckers, doesn’t mean the whole world is like that, does it? [TO ROBBIE] You bump me once more you hag and I’m gonna tear you a new one.

ROBBIE
That’s a pretty expression. Kiss your mother with that mouth? Check it out. Three o’clock.

GORDON
It’s much later than that, you doofus.

ROBBIE
No. I mean check it out. Three o’clock.

BRAD EXITS.

GORDON
Three o’clock? What are you on about?

ROBBIE
[SHOWING HIM] One o’clock, two o’clock, three o’….Oh….he’s gone.

GORDON
Who’s gone?

ROBBIE
Him.

GORDON
You start that one more time and they’re gonna be prying your ears out of your arse with a crow bar.

ROBBIE
Oh, just forget it.

GORDON
It’s forgotten. [TO BRIAN] Now, you…Miss Ross, we’re gonna do something tonight?

ROBBIE
We are?

GORDON
Uh-huh. After this crappy film, we’re gonna get something to eat and then we’re gonna get something to drink and then we’re gonna get something to drink again…

ROBBIE
You said that twice…oh sorry.

GORDON
And then we’re going to get you laid.

ROBBIE
That sounds great.

GORDON
Not you. Just him.

ROBBIE
What?

BRIAN
I don’t think so.

GORDON
Why not?

BRIAN
I’m not in the mood for sex.

GORDON
When was the last time you came…that didn’t involve mood music and a remote?

BRIAN
Uh, six months, I think.

GORDON
Exactly. You’re not lonely. You’re horny!

BRIAN
I’m not horny, I can assure you.

ROBBIE
You can say that again.

GORDON
And is it any wonder? With the vibe you give off.

BRIAN
Vibe?

GORDON
That’s right. It seeps through your skin. You’ve got that “Don’t bother, I’m not interested” look about you which is bound to put people off.

BRIAN
Really?

GORDON
And I hate to tell you this but you’ve got all the sexual allure of an airline salad.

BRIAN
Thanks. I’m not after a one night stand.

GORDON
Don’t say such things. You want a relationship, don’t you?

BRIAN
I think we’re established that.

GORDON
Well, first comes the one night stand with all the desire, the lust and the raunchy sex with multiple strangers, I mean partners and then comes the relationship. That’s how it is with guys. And it’s especially true with gay guys.

BRIAN
You know, some people start off with some kind of mutual respect for each other first and out of that they build a relationship.

GORDON
Well, I haven’t met them! And how would you know, anyway? With the complete cock-ups in all your relationships so far.

BRIAN
Thanks for the reminders. But….

ROBBIE
And it’s a big fat hairy butt.

BRIAN
What makes you such an expert anyway? I mean, you haven’t had a boyfriend in years.

GORDON
Who says I need one? I’m quite happy coasting along.

BRIAN
Well, so am I.

GORDON
No you’re not. You’re miserable all the time. I can see it in your face. Sure, you stare and ogle like the rest of us but when the opportunity to act comes up, you throw up the force field.

BRIAN
I want it to be good. Not just good enough.

GORDON
How do you know it’s ever gonna be any good if you don’t let anyone in?

BRIAN
Well, I’m sorry if we can’t all be like you. If I actually give a shit about something. If I want something deeper than the typical faggy notion that I’m only happy if someone’s swinging off the end of my dick or vice versa. And who says it has to be like that, anyway?

ROBBIE
Hey, can we change the subject? This is getting a little grim.

BRIAN
This isn’t about sex with men. This is about love.

GORDON
You keep saying that but when have you actually known love? I mean, really. From the dog boy? From your first two lovers who walked away and you didn’t even notice it until you saw them out with each other?

BRIAN
You were the one who introduced them to each other.

GORDON
So what?

BRIAN
So, where’s your sense of loyalty? You could’ve at least told me what they were up to?

GORDON
I found out at the same time you did. Look, we’ve already discussed this. I can’t be responsible for every little deed your boyfriend of the moment gets up to behind your back. Like I’ve been telling you for years, you should pay more attention.

BRIAN
I was!

GORDON
Well, obviously not enough. Otherwise they wouldn’t be sucking each other’s dicks, would they?!

ROBBIE
Oh, well, don’t mind me. I haven’t even seen a dick in months.

GORDON
Well, you’re not the only one but in your case I think we can put that down to everyone recognizing damaged goods when they see it and having a modicum of taste.

ROBBIE
What did I do?

GORDON
Nothing. Shut up!

BRIAN
Thanks for your support.

GORDON
Oh Jesus. This is what I really need to deal with tonight. You really know how to take the fun out of an evening, you know that?

BRIAN
Just once I’d like to have a boyfriend who respects me.

GORDON
Jeez. You want much, do ya’? It’s always about me, me, me with you isn’t it?

BRIAN
No, it isn’t.

GORDON
I beg to differ.

BRIAN
You can beg all you like, shit-head, but that ain’t the way it is.

GORDON
It’s always the same with you. You moan and groan about finding someone but the minute we try to do something about it you knock it back. When are you gonna face the fact that you don’t really want someone? That you’re better off solo. That no-one measures up to your fucking standard?

BRIAN
Do I tell you to fuck off now or would you like me to email it to you?

ROBBIE
You know, much as I hate to take sides I think Gordon is right.

BRIAN
Oh shut up, you little yes man. What are you? His parrot? Why don’t you both worry about yourselves for a change?

GORDON
We’d be happy to but you constantly force your misery on us every time we go out.

BRIAN
Well don’t go out with me then. No-one’s begging you.

GORDON
Well, you should beg, cloth ears! I don’t need this shit. Fuck you, Brian. Fuck you!

BRIAN
Very classy.

GORDON
You want the answer to all your prayers. Well here you go, arse-hole. [GORDON TAKES OUT A NEWSPAPER CLIPPING, SCRUNCHES IT UP AND THROWS IT AT BRIAN] Here’s everything you need and more. Good luck. Have a nice life. I need me a fucking drink!

GORDON STORMS OFF. ROBBIE LOOKS AT BRIAN

ROBBIE
Well…I guess the movie’s off. I might…

BRIAN
Yes.

ROBBIE SLINKS AWAY. BRIAN LOOKS AT THE CLIPPING. THE LIGHTS FADE.
 

SCENE SEVEN

THIS SCENE IS IN BLACKOUT. A PHONE IS HEARD RINGING.

BRAD
[ON TAPE] Hi. You know who you’ve called. If you want it, leave your name and a number for me to get back to you ASAP.

BEEP

Hey mate. Like the look of your picture. Would really like to meet you. Give me a call. 98081946. Can’t wait to talk to you. Oh, can you ring after 9pm? My mother goes to bed at 8.30pm.

BEEP

I’ll bet you like to take it up the arse, faggot. Well I do too so give me a call. 98092882.

BEEP

Hello? Hello? Oh, sorry. I didn’t know it was a machine. Shit. Ah, can you give me a call. My number’s 98881770. Do you give a discount for students?

BRIAN’S VOICE
Hi, uh, I have your ad. I mean, I saw your ad. If you can give me a call…95298000. I, uh…hope to hear from you. I saw your ad. Oh, I said that, didn’t I?

BEEPING FADES OUT AS PHONE RING COMES IN. BRIAN’S VOICE IS HEARD ON TAPE.

BRIAN
[TAPE] “Hi, this is Brian. Leave you name and number and I’ll get back to you.”

BEEP

Hi, it’s Gordon. I….I’ll talk to you later.

BEEP

Hi, It’s me again. Just calling to see if you got my message that I called. Talk to you.

BEEP

Me again. Listen, I’m sorry about before. I didn’t mean it…well, not that much. I don’t know…maybe I did. Talk to you later.

BEEP

Well, thanks for calling me back. I’m sorry for being such a caring friend. Don’t bother to call me, you cunt!

HE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN SAYING FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
 

SCENE EIGHT

A MOTEL ROOM. BEDSIDE TABLES AND A LAMP. THERE ARE TWO TOWELS FOLDED ON THE BED ALONG WITH A HOTEL DRESSING GOWN. THERE IS A PACKET OF CIGARETTES, LIGHTER, TELEPHONE AND A TELEVISION REMOTE ON THE SIDE TABLE. BRIAN STANDS LOOKING UPSTAGE, NAKED WITH HIS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE. HE IS LOOKING AT HIS OWN BACKSIDE AND THE REFLECTION IN AN IMAGINARY MIRROR. HE IS NOT HAPPY WITH THE RESULTS. HE POKES AND LIFTS IT.

BRIAN
Two months on that exercise bike and it still looks like it needs scaffolding. I ought to sue that fucking gym. Not to worry. Not to worry.

HE GRABS THE DRESSING GOWN AND PUTS IT ON. HE SITS ON THE BED. HE IS UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO NEXT. HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE. HE GRABS THE REMOTE AND TURNS ON AN IMAGINARY TELEVISION. THE NEWS IS ON.

VOICE-OVER
“And in other news Melbourne’s Dr George Pell has once again refused communion to several gay activists and their supporters wearing rainbow sashes. Dr Pell says he is….”

BRIAN
A cunt.

HE SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION AND GOES TO THE MINI-BAR. HE TAKES OUT A SMALL BOTTLE OF RUM AND A BOTTLE OF COKE AND MAKES HIMSELF A DRINK. HE SIGNS OFF ON THE MINI BAR TAB.

BRIAN
Well that’s $15 well spent. Value for money.

THE PHONE RINGS. HE IS STARTLED. HE NERVOUSLY APPROACHES IT. HE LETS IT RING OUT. HE THEN SITS DOWN ON THE BED SMOKING HIS CIGARETTE AND DRINKING. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. HE ALMOST CHOKES.

Uh…who is it?

THERE IS A MUFFLED SOUND FROM OUTSIDE.

Sorry?

MORE MUFFLED SOUNDS.

Sorry? I didn’t get that. Who is it?

MUFFLED SOUND OF SOMEONE SAYING “FUCKING HELL”

BRIAN
Oh shit, sorry.

BRIAN GOES OFF THEN A MOMENT LATER COMES BACK AND LOOKS OFF. A YOUNG MAN ENTERS IN A DINNER SUIT. HE IS REASONABLE GOOD LOOKING WITH BLOND HAIR.

BRIAN
I’m sorry about that. I wasn’t sure who it was.

BRAD
Are you expecting someone else?

BRIAN
What?

BRAD
Are you expecting someone else?

BRIAN
No.

BRAD
Cause if you are then I should tell you, that sort of thing costs extra. I mean if you want them to watch that means putting on a show. That’s an extra. Or if you want them to take part then that’s a double. That’s extra as well.

BRIAN
No, no. I’m not expecting anyone else.

BRAD
Oh okay.

BRIAN IS VERY NERVOUS NOW.

BRIAN
Would you like a drink?

BRAD
Uh…sure.

BRIAN
What would you like?

BRAD
Oh, whatever you’re having’s fine.

BRIAN MAKES ANOTHER DRINK. BRAD STANDS LOOKING AROUND. BRIAN HANDS HIM THE DRINK.

BRAD
Uh, you mind if I sit down?

BRIAN
Oh sorry. Of course.

BRAD SITS ON THE BED. BRIAN STANDS LOOKING AT HIM. BRAD STARTS TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

BRAD
Uh…

BRIAN
Mm?

BRAD
You’re staring.

BRIAN
What? Oh, am I? Sorry.

BRAD
That’s okay. I just get a bit nervous when people stare at me.

BRIAN
Sorry, sorry.

BRAD
Uh, look. You wanna pay me now. I like to get the money side of things out of the way before we do anything. That way we can relax without that hanging over our heads.

BRIAN
Okay.

BRIAN EXITS OFF TO BATHROOM AND RETURNS A MOMENT LATER WITH SOME MONEY AND HANDS IT TO HIM.

BRIAN
Three hundred right?

BRAD
That’s right.

BRIAN
Sorry. I didn’t know what the procedure was. I’ve never done anything like this before, you see.

BRAD
That’s cool. Business before pleasure, you know. So what do you want to do?

BRIAN
Do?

BRAD
Well, sure. You’ve got me for three hours. You must have something in mind.

BRIAN
Actually, I hadn’t really thought about it. Maybe we can sit and talk for a while.

BRAD
Okay, talking’s good. I love talking. You wanna talk dirty? That’s fine. Where do you want me? On the chair? Does that do it for you? What kind of fantasies do you have? No, let me guess. You look a little scout master-ish to me. Is that the scenario? Want us to pretend we off camping? [STARTS TO RUB HIMSELF] It’s late at night after all the others have gone back to their tents after a rousing Kum-Bay-Ya. You crawl in my sleeping bag and ever so slowly start to take down my shorts and put your mouth on my…

BRIAN
No.

BRAD
Woggle!

BRIAN
No, no. I meant talk talk.

BRAD
Oh, sorry. Just normal talk. Sure. No problem. To tell the truth I’m kinda knackered a little anyway so I could do with a breather.

BRIAN
Why are you tired?

BRAD
Had this job before you. Guy was a complete arsehole, you know. Pays for 30mins. Only thing was he lives out in bloody Woop-Woop. So it’s 30 minutes to get there. The car’s got no fucking air conditioning. I get there. Nice house. In the land of NOT! He doesn’t even offer me a drink and then he starts wanting these little extra’s, you know. For nothing. Can you do this? Can I take some pictures?

BRIAN
Pictures?

BRAD
Polaroids. This guy wants mementos. I don’t know. A souvenir.

BRIAN
Something to show his grandkids, I suppose.

BRAD
I guess. “And here’s one of grandad with his mouth full of cock!” Boy there’s some cheap bastards out there. Can’t wait for the fucking GST. That’s gonna be a whole lot of nothing.

BRIAN
Uh, you ever see that movie Thelma and Louise?

BRAD
Movie?

BRIAN
Thelma and Louise. Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis.

BRAD
I, uh…

BRIAN
It’s this great road movie made in 1991 about these two women who decided to go on a trip from their dull lives and end up on the run from the law after one of them has been raped and the other one shoots the guy dead who did the rape over the bonnet of a car.

BRAD
No, I don’t reckon I’ve seen that….

BRIAN
There’s this great scene where they pick up this young hitchhiker, Brad Pitt in one of his first films, and he ends up jumping up and down  on this bed without his shirt and having sex with Geena Davis and then he rips them both off and steals their money.

BRAD
I don’t remember….

BRIAN
And this guy that rips them off, Billy Dean or some other stupid fucking American name, that’s Brad Pitt, he’s one of the reasons the women are getting chased by the cops. In the end they decide that their lives have been changed so much they can’t go back to their old lives and they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives in prison because no-one will believe them that one of them was raped and they end up making the ultimate sacrifice for each other by driving off a cliff.

BRAD
I don’t go to the movies that often…

BRIAN
Thelma and Louise. You must have seen it. If only on video. Had that great song The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan sung by Marianne Faithful. It was made by Ridley Scott. He’s the guy that directed Alien. The first one. Not the second one. That was made by James Cameron. Did Titanic and The Abyss.

BRAD
Alien? Yeah I loved that film. When that Alien burst through that guys chest and then runs off like some deranged fucking Muppet.

BRIAN
John Hurt.

BRAD
John Hurt’s a deranged fucking Muppet?

BRIAN
No, the guy that the thing burst through the….chest thing. That was the actor’s name. John Hurt.

BRAD
Oh, right.

BRIAN
I was talking about Thelma & Louise.

BRAD
No, I guess I haven’t seen it.

BRIAN
Oh, that’s okay.

BRAD
Listen, you mind if I ask you a question?

BRIAN
Not at all.

BRAD
You married?

BRIAN
What?

BRAD
Are you married?

BRIAN
God, no. Why? Do I look like I might be?

BRAD
No, I don’t know. There’s just something about you. Makes me think you’re attached. I mean, I don’t care if you are or anything. I get a lot of married guys.

BRIAN
Really?

BRAD
Yep. Guess they’re not getting it at home so if they do it with a guy it’s not so much cheating. Still…

BRIAN
What?

BRAD
I don’t know. I’m just amazed at the amount of straight guys who like to be fucked.

BRIAN
Do straight guys like to be fucked?

BRAD
Oh yeah! I guess it’s one thing they can’t ask the missus for. “Honey, you mind strapping this on for me?” [HE GETS UP AND GORES TO THE BAR] You mind if I….

BRIAN
Oh, no. help yourself. You mind if I ask you something?

BRAD
Not at all. Go ahead.

BRIAN
How long have you been…?

BRAD
Doing this sort of thing?

BRIAN
Uh-huh.

BRAD
Oh a little while.

BRIAN
A little while?!

BRAD
Yep.

BRIAN
I must say you’re very confident for someone who’s only been doing it for a short time.

BRAD
Yeah, well. That’s me. [LIKE JAMES BOND] I take my work seriously. Besides, this is all just a means to an end.

BRIAN
Means to an end? What? Are you a uni student or something?

BRAD
Fuck no. I hate students. Spotty little wankers should be shot.

BRIAN
Oh, maybe you do it for….

BRAD
What?

BRIAN
Well, you hear…a lot of people…like…

BRAD
Humans, you mean?

BRIAN
They say a lot of people who do what you do are into drugs. That you’ve got a habitat.

BRAD
That’s habit. And no I don’t have a “habitat” to feed. Do I look like I’m into drugs? Do I look off my face?

BRIAN
No…I just thought…

BRAD
Yeah, well you thought wrong.

BRIAN
I’m sorry.

BRAD
[RELAXES] That’s okay. To tell you the truth I’ve only had drugs once. A friend gave me a little MDA at a dance party. It’s the first time I’ve ever lasted the whole night at party. Usually I’m bored out of my tree by 2am and go home. Had a great night that time though. Everyone said I was grinning like an idiot all night. 8am and I didn’t even noticed they’d turned the music off. Then off I trounced to the local sex club and had me a great time. It was like the first time you have amyl when you have sex. Your heart’s pumping  and it feels like your dick is 2 foot long.

BRIAN
Is it? I mean, does it?

BRAD
Tell you what, though. My jaw was aching the next day.

BRIAN
What?

BRAD
From the MDA. One of the side effects, apparently.

BRIAN
Oh.

BRAD
So no, I’m not into drugs. As a rule.

BRIAN
So why…?

BRAD
Do I do this? Because I’m good at it. And because I’m saving up.

BRIAN
For what?

BRAD
Haven’t decided yet.

BRIAN
Well it’s always nice to have a goal.

BRAD
I’ve got goals.

BRIAN
Really?

BRAD
Sure. I just don’t know what they are yet. I thought…

BRIAN
Yeah?

BRAD
I thought of maybe opening up a shop or something. Maybe a café.

BRIAN
That sounds pretty good.

BRAD
I don’t know. Maybe it’ll happen. Maybe not. Maybe it’s all just crap dreams

BRIAN
Well, it could happen?

BRAD
Yeah?

BRIAN
Sure. Why not? If that’s what you wanna do. Stranger things have been know to happen.

BRAD
I guess. Listen…you mind if I take a shower?

BRIAN
What?

BRAD
A shower. Normally I would’ve had one at the last guy’s place…

BRIAN
{TO HIMSELF] Last guy’s place.

BRAD
What?

BRIAN
Nothing. A shower. Sure, that’s fine. It’s through there.

BRAD
Thanks. Er…you want to join me.

BRIAN
No. That’s fine.

BRAD
Suit yourself. Just thought it might be nice. The two of us.

BRIAN
I’ve already had one.

BRAD
Yeah?

BRIAN
Actually, I’ve had two already.

BRAD
[TAKES OFF HIS SHOES, SHIRT AND TROUSERS AND PLACES THEM OVER THE CHAIR] Two, huh? Wish the hell that last guy had at least had one. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Place smelt of animals.

BRIAN
Animals?

BRAD
Yeah. His house gave off this real stink, you know? From these bloody big dogs, you know. Sad really. I mean, the guy himself could’ve been a real looker once. You know, blond hair, blue eyes, tall, about your age. But he’s let himself go a bit and there was something sleazy in about him.

BRIAN
Oh I know.

BRAD
And his eyes.

BRIAN
His eyes?

BRAD
There was something about his eyes.

BRIAN
What?

BRAD
They looked dead.

BRIAN
Dead?

BRAD
My mum used to say that people who’ve never known love are looking through dead eyes. That’s what this guy was like. Pity.

BRAD EXITS. HE CONTINUES TO TALK OFF. BRIAN POURS HIMSELF ANOTHER DRINK.

BRAD
So…you from around here?

BRIAN
Er…I suppose so. You’re not.

BRAD
Boy, what gave you that idea?

THE SOUND OF A SHOWER CAN BE HEARD.

BRAD
So what do you do? For a living, I mean.

BRIAN
Oh, I teach.

BRAD
Really?

BRIAN
Mm-mm. Just part time now. A few private students.

BRAD
Little rich arseholes? Is that the calibre?

BRIAN
I guess.

BRAD
Bugger me. I don’t know how you stand it.

BRIAN
I guess it’s not so bad.

BRAD
Well, you’re a braver man than me. That’s all I can say.

BRIAN
So…do you have a lover?

BRAD
What?

BRIAN
I said do you have a lover?

BRAD
Lover? No. No, I don’t have a lover?

BRIAN
Oh?

BRAD
Somehow I don’t think a lover would approve of the sort of work I’m in, do you?

BRIAN
I guess not.

BRAD
You know, I didn’t think anyone said “lover” anymore. It’s a bit eighties for me.

BRIAN
I guess. What about your family?

HE LOOKS AROUND AT BRAD’S CLOTHES. HE GOES OVER AND LOOKS ON THE POCKET. HE TAKES OUT BRAD’S WALLET AND LOOKS AT THE DRIVERS LICENSE.

BRAD
What about them?

BRIAN
Well, do you have any?

BRAD
Boy you’re sure asking a lot of weird questions, you know that?

BRIAN
Am I? Sorry.

BRAD
And I gotta tell you, talking about my family is not the way to get me in the mood. If that’s what you’re planning, anyway.

THE SHOWER WATER STOPS RUNNING. HE QUICKLY PLACES THE WALLET BACK IN THE TROUSERS.

BRIAN
I’m sorry about that. I guess I’m just a little nervous.

HE RUSHES BACK TO THE BED AND HIS DRINK

BRAD
That’s cool. So what do you do in your spare time?

BRIAN
Spare time?

BRAD
Yeah. What sort of hobbies do you have?

BRAD ENTERS COMPLETELY NAKED, DRYING HIS HAIR WITH A TOWEL. BRIAN DOES NOT KNOW WHERE TO LOOK. BRAD COVERS HIMSELF WITH THE TOWEL AND COLLECTS HIS DRINK FROM THE BAR.

BRIAN
Hobbies? Well, nothing much, I guess. I like the movies. I go to the theatre a lot. Do you like the theatre?

BRAD
I haven’t really ever been. Just a couple of kids shows, I guess.

BRIAN
We could go together.

BRAD
Go where?

BRIAN
The theatre.

BRAD
Uh...

BRIAN
Or the movies. Do you like the movies?

BRAD
Like I said before, I don’t see too many movies.

BRIAN
They’re playing Meet Joe Black at the Astor next week. It’s got Brad Pitt as well. Maybe you’d like to see it with me?

BRAD
Maybe.

BRIAN
I mean, it goes for three hours and not everyone liked it but it‘s got some really good bits in it.

BRAD
[MORE ASSERTIVE] Maybe.

BRIAN
Sorry, I’m being pushy. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I know this is not a date.

BRAD
That’s right. [LOOKS AT HIM] You must really like Brad Pitt.

BRIAN
Oh, he’s okay. I mean, I like him but I’m not what you’d call obsessed with him or anything. I mean, he’s pretty good though.

BRAD
Uh-huh.

BRAD SITS DOWN ON THE BED NEXT TO BRIAN IN JUST HIS TOWEL. HE STARTS TOUCHING BRIAN’S KNEE. HE LEANS IN TOWARDS HIM.

BRAD
Aren’t you a little hot in that dressing gown?

BRIAN
What? Oh no. Why? Are you hot? I could turn the heating down if you like I’m not sure where the switch is but I could ring down to the front desk if you like.

THE PHONE RINGS.

Well that’s good service. Maybe they’ve got ESP...or a microphone in the room.

BRIAN LETS THE PHONE RING. BRAD LOOKS PUZZLED.

BRAD
Aren’t you gonna get the phone?

BRIAN
No. I don’t know who could be calling me.

BRAD
Maybe you could answer it and find out.

BRIAN
No, it’ll stop.

THE PHONE KEEPS RINGING.

Eventually.

IT RINGS THREE MORE TIMES THEN STOPS. BRAD STARTS TO LEAN I TO KISS BRIAN’S NECK. BRIAN JUMPS UP AND GOES TO THE BAR. BRAD IS SPRAWLED ACROSS THE BED.

Would you like another drink?

BRAD
You’re not trying to get me pissed are you so you can get me into bed.

BRIAN
No, I...

BRAD
Cause I gotta tell ya’, it’s already pretty much a sure thing.

HE MAKES A SUGGESTIVE REFERENCE TO HIS CROTCH

BRIAN
Same as before?

BRAD
Sure. Why not?

BRIAN STANDS AT THE BAR MAKING A DRINK. BRAD COMES UP BEHIND HIM AND KISSES HIM ON THE NECK. BRIAN JUMPS AND HIS SHOULDER BANGS INTO BRAD‘S MOUTH. BRAD LETS OUT YELL.

BRAD
Fuck!!

BRIAN
Oh I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. What were you doing anyway?

BRAD
Doing? Doing?! I’m doing what I’m paid to do. I think I’m bleeding.

BRIAN
I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have snuck up on me. I’m very ticklish.

BRAD
Thanks for the warning.

BRIAN
Here. Let me have a look.

BRAD
Get away from me. Don’t touch me. You’re crazy.

BRIAN
I just want to see if you’re okay.

BRAD
I’m okay. I’m okay.

BRIAN
Stop carrying on like a big baby and let me have a look.

HE HOLDS BRAD’S HEAD BACK AND OPENS HIS MOUTH.

It doesn’t look too bad. There’s no blood.

BRAD
Great. My mouth’s gonna swell up like a pair of bloody leeches.

BRIAN
You’ll live.

BRAD
Thanks a bunch.

BRAD SITS BACK ON THE BED

BRIAN
I said I was sorry. Hang on. I get some ice and a cloth.

HE RUSHES INTO THE BATHROOM AND COMES BACK WITH A FLANNEL AND SOME ICE. BRAD SITS ON THE BED

Here. Put this on your lip.

HE PLACES THE ICE-PACK ON BRAD’S MOUTH.

BRIAN
Are you okay now?

BRAD
I'll live.

BRIAN
It was an accident, you know.

BRAD
I know. I think I know why you're single. None of the others survived.

BRIAN
Very funny. You shouldn't sneak up on people like that.

BRAD
Sneak up on who? There's only the two of us here! How many did you think were behind you?

BRIAN
Do you want me to put some music on?

BRAD
Whatever.

BRIAN
Or how about some telly?

BRAD
Boy, you really haven't done this sort of thing before, have you?

BRIAN
What do you mean?

BRAD
Well, you're paying 300 bucks to have me sit in a motel room and watch telly.

BRIAN
Well, what do you want me to do?

BRAD
Well, we could've done what we were supposed to do. [HE PUTS DOWN THE ICE PACK AND LEANS BACK] You've paid me...let's fuck!

BRIAN
What?!

BRAD
I mean, that's why you booked me.

BRIAN
I didn't invite you over here for sex.

BRAD
You also didn't invite me. I was ordered.

BRIAN
You're not a pizza.

BRAD
It's the same thing. Dine in or takeaway. Let's chow down.

BRIAN
It's not the same.

BRAD
It's not? Then what do you think all this is.

BRIAN
I told you before. I just want to talk.

BRAD
Why do you want to talk when we could be having us some fun? [HE GETS UP AND GOES OVER TO BRIAN] You know, I think you're kinda cute. Most of the tricks I get are usually real stone-creatures.

BRIAN
I just don't feel like sex.

BRAD GETS UP AND GOES OVER TO HIM.

BRAD
You don't?

HE STARTS KISSING BRIAN’S NECK

BRIAN
Well, not right this minute.

BRAD
Oh, I get it. You need help to get you into the mood.

HE DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND STARTS TO RUB HIS HAND UP BRIAN’S LEGS.

BRIAN
What are you doing?

BRAD
[STOPS] God, I'll bet you're the smart one in the family. What does it look like I'm doing, Brainiac? Selling cigars? [STARTS AGAIN] I'll bet you're just a little tense. Need to loosen up a bit.

BRIAN
God, you sound like Jodie Foster.

BRAD
[STOPS AGAIN] Jodie Foster?

BRIAN
In Taxi Driver. She was this 13 yr old prostitute.

BRAD
I hate to disappoint you but I'm not thirteen. I'm a lot older.

BRIAN
I know that. I was just talking about the situation.

BRAD STARTS BITING AT BRIAN'S DRESSING GOWN CORD.

BRIAN
Will you stop that?!

BRAD
Oh, for Chrissakes.

BRAD GETS UP AND SITS ON THE BED.

BRIAN
I'm sorry. I’m just a little tired. Besides, I thought you were recovering from your war wound?

BRAD
Yeah well... if you ask me it just seems a waste of money.

BRIAN
Do you mind if I ask you a question?

BRAD
Boy, you’re full of them tonight, aren’t you? Ask away.

BRIAN
Does your family know you do this sort of thing?

BRAD
Don’t know if they do or they don’t. Don’t give a flying fuck either way. Didn’t get on with them much anyway.

BRIAN
You didn’t get on?

BRAD
[WITH A COLD GLARE] That’s right.

BRIAN
You don’t want to talk about it. I understand. Sorry…I shouldn’t be so nosey.

BRAD
Oh, that’s okay. You’ve paid me. Doesn’t mean I have to tell you the truth though, does it?

BRIAN
I guess.

BRAD
Besides, I’ll let you know when you’re getting too nosey.

BRIAN
Thanks.

BRAD
So, like I was saying, we didn’t get on. My dad was a bit of a bastard, you know.

BRIAN
Did he know you were gay?

BRAD
Who says I’m gay?

BRIAN
You’re not gay?

BRAD
Oh, I’m gay all right. Sucked dick with the best of them. But I wouldn’t say I’m exclusively gay. It’s just…no women have taken my fancy in a long time.

BRIAN
So why was your dad a bastard?

BRAD
Oh fuck…where do I start? Uh, he beat up my mother a lot. He drank a lot. He treated me like dirt under his feet. I come from a big family so you were lucky if anyone paid you attention but that bastard seemed to go out of his way to abuse me. When I was younger he used to set me up against my brothers. Older or younger, it didn’t matter. And he’d say “Hit him.” And I’d say no. “Hit him.” And I’d say no. “Hit him or I’ll hit you myself!” But I didn’t want to fight. The day I left school was the day I left home. Didn’t talk to my family again for ten years. It was a long time. Finally, I called up my sister. She was the only one I could talk to anyway. She said dad had died the year before. I didn’t feel nothing. Well, why should I? I mean, we’d never got on. Anything he wanted me to do I couldn’t do. No matter how hard I tried I could never please him. Footy, soccer, any sports I used to embarrass him. One of the last things he said to me was “You’re a fucking joke.” How can someone say that to their own son? I was sixteen years old! But when I heard he died…I felt nothing. My sister said my family had just about gone their own way now. Occasionally they call up at Christmas or to wish mum a happy birthday or something. Said I should give her a call. I said I would but…That part of my life’s over now. Don’t need it. Families complicate things. But I don’t know…maybe…one day.

BRIAN
So what were you doing for those ten years?

BRAD
Well, I guess I bummed around a lot…literally. Lots of odd jobs. Came out here. Met a guy. Really great, he was. We were both on the game but we used to sit up all night sometimes talking about we’d really like to do. Actually, he talked. I listened. About how we were gonna do something with our lives. Go somewhere. Maybe overseas. Buy a shop or something. So we started working together. We worked flat out for 4 months just saving dough. Had about three thousand saved. Then one night he was working and he goes into this alley with this guy. This cunt had mates waiting for him. They cut his face open with a ripped open beer can. Needed 274 stitches. His family came to collect him and take him back to Queensland. I got to see him just once at the hospital. It was like the life had been drained out of him, you know. He said I could keep the money. I didn’t want the fucking money. I wanted him. Not some shop. Just me and him together. But…he went home.

BRIAN
Did you love him?

BRAD
I…I guess. I don’t know. It’s pretty hard to get attached to someone in this business but…well…I guess I did love him.

BRIAN
Have you tried calling him?

BRAD
I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. And I don’t know if he’s ready for it either.

BRIAN
Well, you’ll never know unless you try.

BRAD
I suppose. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll call him.

BRIAN
What did you do with the money?

BRAD
Sent it to my mum. She just about had a heart attack. It wasn’t mine anymore anyway.

BRIAN
Well, that was pretty nice.

BRAD
Yeah, well. I’m doing okay. I started out with nothing and I’ve still got most of it left. [BRAD LAUGHS] Get it?

BRIAN
Ah, yes I do.

BRAD
Look, do you mind if we change the subject? I’m getting a bit tired talking about me.

BRIAN
Sure. I’m sorry, Tony, I…

BRAD
What did you say?

BRIAN
What?

BRAD
That name. What did you call me?

BRIAN
I…

BRAD
You said Tony. How did you know my real name? I never told you.

BRIAN
Didn’t you?

BRAD
No. I never tell anyone…

BRIAN
Maybe you let it slip out.

BRAD
I don’t just let it slip out. How did you know?

BRIAN
I…saw it in your wallet.

BRAD
My wallet? You looked in my wallet?

BRIAN
I’m sorry. I…

BRAD
Holy fuck!

BRIAN
I just…

BRAD
What?

BRIAN
I just wanted to know you better. That’s all.

BRAD
Get to know me? Why? I’m just a rent. What else is there to know? You know, paying me 300 bucks doesn’t give you the right to know any more than what I let you. Jesus!

BRIAN
Don’t say that. You’re more than that.

BRAD
What?

BRIAN
You’re not just a rent

BRAD
I’m not? Well, this may come as a big shock but tonight that’s all I am.

BRIAN
No you’re not. You’re smart and intelligent and good looking. You could be so much more. If you only tried. You could get a real job.

BRAD
You mean like you? Someone who’s so happy with their life they rent someone by the hour? And who says that’s what I want to do? Having to answer to some dickhead.

BRIAN
But don’t you want something better for yourself?

BRAD
Of course I do. But that’s not your problem.

BRIAN
It doesn’t seem fair.

BRAD
Fair? Who says it has to be fair?

BRIAN
I just think you deserve a better life. I could help you.

BRAD
Why? Because I give you a pissy little sob story, you think you’re gonna change my life? How do you know what I was saying was the truth? And even if it was, who says I want your help anyway? Maybe I’m happy doing what I do. Has that occurred to you?

BRIAN
How can you be? You can’t possibly tell me you’re happy doing this.

BRAD
Well, up until tonight I was real fucking happy.

BRIAN
Maybe your friend had the right idea.

BRAD
What are you talking about?

BRIAN
Well maybe he was smart. Maybe he knew what a ridiculous occupation he was in and brought that attack on himself. Maybe he wanted it to happen.

BRAD
What the fuck are you talking about? Who the hell is gonna bring that sort of thing onto himself?!

BRIAN
I was just saying…

BRAD
You were saying shit! You don’t know him! All you know is what I told you. What do you know about struggling? Have you ever slept on the streets? Have you ever known what it’s like to go hungry? You don’t know anything about me. The things I’ve had to do just to get by.

BRIAN
No one says you had to do those things. That was a choice you made.

BRAD
Hey, are you deaf? Where does choice come into? If you’re qualified to do shit where’s the fucking choice? [BRAD STARTS GETTING DRESSED] I’m out of here.

BRIAN
You’re leaving?

BRAD
Of course I’m fucking leaving. Look, I don’t know what kind of person you’re after, mister but I ain’t him.

BRIAN
Oh don’t worry, that’s become painfully obvious.

BRAD
You know, I thought for a moment that you and me had something in common. For a brief moment we could relate to each other. But you have to go and fuck things up, don’t you? Just when I think I’ve seen everything in this shitty business along comes some complete tosser with a bigger surprise. Well, I’m through with surprises. Look at you. You’re living in cuckoo land. You think a couple of hundred bucks is gonna bring you some kind of new life? Is that what you think? You think dialling some number in the faggy rag is gonna solve all your problems? Well, I got a news flash for you Einstein, with your books and your movies and your Brad Pitt shit which really no one gives a flying fuck about. You’re wrong. Once tonight is over you won’t see me again. To me you’re just another trick. Another sad cunt who hooks up with some one younger because they can’t face getting old and being alone.

BRIAN
And what about you?

BRAD
What about me?

BRIAN
What’s the future gonna be like for you?

BRAD
I’ve got plans.

BRIAN
Oh I’m sorry. I forgot about all your big plans. There’s something for the future. What a dream that is. Well that’s all it is. A dream! You’re a joke. Look at you. You with your big fancy image. Some fucking illusion you sell that’s not worth pissing on. You may think you’re above all this but you’re not. You’re just some sleazy street rough working out of a 25 cent phone line in some pissy little two bit office. You’re nothing in this world. Just taking up space. Who’s gonna miss you if you disappear? Your friends? I seriously doubt it. Street trash like you don’t have friends. Not real friends. You’re nothing!

BRAD
[SCREAMING] Don’t fucking talk to me like that! That’s not how it is. That’s not who I am. Don’t you fucking say that or I’ll break your fucking neck!

BRIAN
You haven’t got the guts. You couldn’t protect your friend. You couldn’t face up to your dad and you can’t face up to me! You’re the weakest person I know.

BRAD LUNGES AT HIM, KNOCKS HIM DOWN BEHIND THE BAR AND STARTS BEATING INTO HIM. THE PHONE STARTS RINGING.

BRAD
You fuck! You rotten lying fuck!

BRAD IS RAINING BLOWS DOWN ON HIM.

Bastard! Fucking bastard!

HE CONTINUES HITTING HIM THEN BREAKS AWAY AND STARTS TO SOB UNCONTROLLABLY.

BRAD
You fuck…you nasty fuck!. Why did you say that? Why?

BRAD GRABS HIS COAT AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR. THE PHONE STOPS RINGING. AFTER A WHILE BRIAN GETS UP. THERE IS BLOOD ON HIS FOREHEAD AND HIS LIP IS CUT. HE LOOKS DAZED. HE STRUGGLES AND PICKS UP THE ICE AND CLOTH FROM EARLIER AND DABS IT TO HIS FACE. HE SITS ON THE BED, SHAKING AND TRIES TO LIGHT A CIGARETTE.

BRIAN
[SITTING ON THE BED AND LIGHTING UP A CIGARETTE] Was it something I said?

HE SMOKES FOR A FEW MOMENTS. GORDON ENTERS QUIETLY. BRIAN TURNS AROUND AND SEES HIM.

BRIAN
[AS KATHERINE HEPBURN] Why are you looking at me like that? Is my hair coming down?

GORDON
Oh fuck. Are you okay?

BRIAN
I’ve been prettier.

GORDON
Do you want me to call the police?

BRIAN
No. It’s okay. To tell you the truth, it was mostly my fault anyway.

GORDON
What happened?

BRIAN
This may come as a big shock but I’d rather not talk about it you don’t mind. Let’s just say you’re not the only one who could learn something about customer service. How did you find out where I was?

GORDON
I stopped by your place. I was going to apologise for before. You left the address and number on the clipping next to your phone. I’ve been ringing you for hours.

BRIAN
Oh, that was you, was it?

GORDON
Uh-huh

BRIAN
Remind me to get my key back off you.

GORDON
Do you want me to get a doctor?

BRIAN
How about a pizza?

GORDON
I think your face looks like a pizza already. We’re looking at Jackie O sunnies for at least the next two weeks and three inches of foundation.

BRIAN
Mary Quant?

GORDON
Don’t be rude.

BRIAN
Oh, boy. This was definitely not on the ‘Let’s be Gay” brochure. Listen…about what I said before…

GORDON GETS UP AND GETS THE ASHTRAY FROM THE BAR AND SITS BACK NEXT TO HIM

GORDON
That’s okay.

BRIAN
No, no. I was wrong. You were right. I guess we don’t really know anything about anything, do we? You think you have someone pretty much pegged by the way they look and the way you want them to be but in reality they’re nothing like you imagined and you’ve got no idea what’s going on inside their heads. It’s not a lesson I care to repeat too often. Can we put this down to another case of the “I told you so’s?”

GORDON
I think your slate is already pretty full but hey, if I wanted someone who listened to everything I said, I would have married you myself years ago.

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER

No, let’s not go there. That’s just too revolting a thought for words.

BRIAN
Thank you. Haven’t I suffered enough already without that image in my head?

GORDON
You want maybe I should take you home?

BRIAN
Hey, I paid a fortune for the room. Brad Pitt or no, I might just make love to the mini-bar. Care to join me?

GORDON
Well…

BRIAN
They have piped porn.

GORDON
Fluff up the pillows. I’ll get my slippers out of the boot. Oh shit, there’s one more thing I forgot.

GORDON RUNS TO THE DOOR.

BRIAN
Ah, me. Chaos, panic, & disorder…my work here is done.

AFTER A FEW MOMENTS GORDON RE-ENTERS WITH ROBBIE WHO IS IN TEARS.

Ugh. Can I trade that for what's behind door number 2?

ROBBIE
I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said before. We were being awful. We should have been more supportive. We’re less than human.

GORDON
Yes, we are.

ROBBIE
We’re scum.

GORDON
Yes, we are.

ROBBIE
We’re gonna get old and never get laid.

GORDON
Speak for yourself.

ROBBIE
Can you ever forgive us?

HE STARTS TO DAB BRIAN'S FOREHEAD WITH THE FLANNEL.

BRIAN
Of course I can.

ROBBIE
Can we order pizza from room service?

GORDON
Of course we can.

ROBBIE
[HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO BRIAN AND LOOKS AT HIM] No, don’t tell me. You’ve done something with your hair.

BRIAN
[SNATCHING THE FLANNEL BACK OFF HIM] Thanks for noticing.

ROBBIE
You know, what ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

BRIAN
That’s right. Kick me when I’m down.

GORDON
Like a duck’s arse.

ROBBIE
But not as tight.

BRIAN
You know…inside I’m laughing.

ROBBIE
Well, here we all are. The three of us in one bed. Wouldn’t it just be wicked if we sat up all night and all got drunk and ended up doing it?

BRIAN
Doing it?

GORDON
Forget it. Even sober, I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

ROBBIE
Hey, I didn’t say it was gonna happen. I was just saying wouldn’t it be wicked if it did.

GORDON
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

ROBBIE
It was just a thought.

GORDON
And a pretty grotesque one at that.

BRIAN
Ah me. I gotta get me some new friends.

ROBBIE
And a new boyfriend.

THEY BOTH LOOK AT HIM.

No hurry.

THE LIGHTS FADE AS PETULA CLARKE SINGS “HAPPY HEART.”
 

end