Dead Queen
A
revenge comedy by Steven Dawson
Copyright ©Steven Dawson 2009
All Rights reserved. No part of this play may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author. Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that the performance of this play is subject to royalties and no public performance of this play or excerpts may be given in any form, including radio, film, television or stage without the written permission of the author and/or his agents and only upon application. This play is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author or his agent's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Any application for performance must be made to:
RICK RAFTOS MANAGEMENT PTY LTD P.O. Box 445, Paddington NSW, Australia, 2021 Telephone 61 2 9281 9622 Fax 61 2 92127100 raftos@raftos.com.au
PROLOGUE
VOICE OVERS IN THE DARK WITH THE SOUND OF A DINNER PARTY IN PROGRESS. SOUND OF VOICES IN MID DISCUSSION. THE SOUND OF GLASSES AND CUTLERY
VOICE 3
Daniel, that was a lovely meal.
VOICE 2
Thanks but Gary made it all.
VOICE 1
I know it’s delicious.
VOICE 4
So did you sleep with him?
VOICE 5
Fuck no. She was rank.
VOICE 1
Oh Christ he’s calling them ‘she’ again.
VOICE 2
Stop it. It’s just too seventies.
VOICE 3
Now you’re showing your age.
VOICE 4
Well we’ve talked about everyone you have slept with. How about we go for the list of those you haven’t.
VOICE 5
Thank you.
VOICE 1
I’ve got one. Have you ever thought of killing someone?
THE LIGHTS COME UP ON 4 MEN, TWO WITH SUIT JACKETS ON. THE OTHER 2 IN BLOODY APRONS. THERE IS JUST ENOUGH LIGHT TO SEE THAT SOME OF THEM HAVE BLOOD ON OVER THEIR HANDS FACES AND APRONS. THEY SEEM TO BE LISTENING IN AND SOME ARE STARTING TO BE AWARE OF THE BLOOD ON THEM.
VOICE 2
Oh please. Why is it every time we have people over you start on this topic?
VOICE 1
I do not.
VOICE 3
You bloody do.
VOICE 1
Well it’s a fun subject.
VOICE 4
For you maybe. You’re macabre. Oh I take it back. There is one person.
VOICE 5
Who?
VOICE 2
Yes dear. tell us who.
VOICE 1
Crispin Conway
VOICE 2
Oh fuck yes.
VOICE 3
Who?
VOICE 4
You know. The big music theatre queen. Writes in the crappy fag paper. Does those reviews and social pages and he’s at all the opening nights.
VOICE 5
I hate that paper.
VOICE 2
I hate him.
VOICE 1
Enough to kill him?
VOICE 2
Yep.
VOICE 3
Me too.
VOICE 4
Why?
VOICE 5
There are some people who get away with murder and there are some people who should just be the murder victim.
VOICE 3
John Howard?
VOICE 5
For starters.
VOICE 1
I’m surprised no-one’s killed him yet. Crispin Conway I mean.
VOICE 2
How would you do it?
VOICE 3
As painfully as possible.
VOICE 5
Tie him down with tape and sit a couple of rats in a cage on his guts.
VOICE 2
How medieval.
VOICE 1
Gun shot.
VOICE 4
Meat cleaver. Hack something off him and watch him bleed to death.
VOICE 3
I’m not sure. Something a little more subtle.
VOICE 4
Oh yes.
VOICE 1
Shall I tell you a story?
VOICE 2
Oh yes please.
VOICE 1
This is a tale most wondrous. A tale of love, of courage and hearts afire. It is a tale told of a special time and of a very special place. A place we shall call the theatre. It has villains and beasts and creatures large and small. It is a story of excess and grandeur and. It has a beautiful handsome prince.
LIGHTS COME UP ON A NUDE MALE, LIT FROM ABOVE.
A most brave fellow. Such a man you never did see before. A man who held the courage of a lion. Who dared go where no adventurer had gone before. A hero who faced almost certain death and yet did not falter in his task. His task? To slay the beast of course. A beast so terrifying that thousands lived in fear of his glance.
LIGHTS COME UP ON DOWNSTAGE OF A CRAWLING FIGURE, HIS FACE COVERED IN BLOOD, DRAGGING HIMSELF SLOWLY DOWNSTAGE. THE LIGHTS CHANGE AS THE NAKED MAN MOVES DOWNSTAGE TOWARDS HIM. THE FIGURE ON THE FLOOR TRYING TO ESCAPE.
CRISPIN
No. Please don’t. No more. I promise I won’t tell. Please. I’m begging you.
BRETT
Shut-the-fuck up. [HE BOOTS HIM RIGHT IN THE SIDE].
What a whiney cunt!
BLACKOUT
VOICE OVERS IN BLACKOUT
VOICE 2
Really you’ve only started and already it’s disgusting. I knew he’d reduce it to sex and crudity.
VOICE 1
Sorry.
VOICE 4
I really thought were going to go somewhere with that
VOICE 2
Honestly there’s really no need for that sort of language either
VOICE 5
I agree.
VOICE 4
A bit on the short side as well.
VOICE 3
I think we can do better.
VOICE 1
Alright, knock yourselves out.
VOICE 3
Okay…it was a dark and stormy night.
VOICE 5
Lovely chapter header.
VOICE 3
Thank you darling.
ACT ONE
MUSIC AND SETTING VERY FILM NOIR. THE SOUND OF THUNDER AND RAIN CAN BE HEARD WITH THE OCCASIONAL FLASH OF LIGHTING ACROSS THE STAGE. THE LIGHTS COME UP ON A STAGE PLUSH IN RED AND BLACK VELVET WITH THE ODD WHITE CURTAIN BLOWING ACROSS THE STAGE. A LARGE GREEN FERN TO THE SIDE. IN THE CENTRE IS A SMALL DINING TABLE COVERED IN WHITE LINEN. CRISPIN SITS CENTRE STAGE BEHIND THE TABLE. IN FRONT OF HIM A LARGE PLATE OF SPAGHETTI. HE LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD WITH A SMILE ACROSS HIS FACE. MILES AND JAMES SIT EITHER SIDE OF THE TABLE. THEY WATCH HIM CLOSELY. CRISPIN IS CONSTANTLY LEERING AT MILES.
JAMES
Thank you for having us over at such short notice. And for the lovely meal.
MILES
Yes. Lovely.
JAMES
You shouldn’t have gone to the trouble.
CRISPIN
Not at all. Pleased to have the company. It can be a tad drear out here sometimes.
JAMES
Yes, Lesley said you had a house out this way and we should call in on you on our way home. Of course the storm was a big surprise.
CRISPIN
Fancy you knowing Lesley. I’ll be seeing him next week.
JAMES
Yes, we just looked in the local phone book and there was your name, number and address.
MILES
In bold.
CRISPIN
It helps to pump up the volume. I must say it is so nice to see such a happy young-ish couple of lads together. Such a rarity in this day and age. Your face just looks so familiar.
MILES
Does it?
CRISPIN
Would I have seen you in anything?
MILES
I don’t know how.
CRISPIN
Would you like to be seen in anything? I have some connections, you know.
JAMES
I really don’t think…
CRISPIN
It’s so hard to find talent these days. Or talent that’s hard, if you know what I mean. And what a gorgeous couple you make. Of course you boys don’t know how hard it was in my day. You lot have it easy. Yes so fucking easy. It’s wasn’t all free and sexy ten, fifteen years ago. Couldn’t walk down the road holding hands with your significant other then or whatever they’re calling it these days. No…hold hands back then and you would’ve gotten a broken beer bottle in the face. Not that some people don’t deserve it but you know what I mean. There was a time you could walk down the street late at night and as long as you stuck to well lit areas you could usually make it to the pub with getting your lippy smeared by a knuckle sandwich. Not these days. You can’t feel safe anywhere. Ford Fairlanes full of falafel- sucking forskinned fuckwits from the northern suburbs screaming that filthy American word du jour “faggot.” Young thugs with barely a pube or six inches of penis between them, ready to rumble you up against a dumpster if you don’t cough up a ciggie or your IPhone. Trouble is it’s hard to spot the moment to get away until it’s too late.
CRISPIN GIVES A SLIGHT COUGH. MILES TENTATIVELY GOES TO TAKE A DRINK OF HIS WINE. JAMES GLARES AT HIM. MILES PUTS THE WINE GLASS DOWN. HE TURNS AND LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD.
…Of course you do have the odd fuckwit getting their head banged into a gutter by some small-dicked bouncer. Then it’s all over but for the “Let’s switch him off.” That’s the trouble. There’s no respect for your elders anymore. Just a nasty “well, fuck you” attitude pervading the youth of today. If not always on the surface then surely bubbling away just underneath. Society has morphed into such a dangerous place. You can’t feel safe anywhere in the city. There’s far too much violence. Don’t you think? Far too much violence.
CRISPIN GIVES ANOTHER LITTLE COUGH. MILES AND JAMES’ EYES LOOK TOWARDS HIM BUT THEY DO NOT TURN THEIR HEADS. THEIR EYES FACE STRAIGHT AHEAD ONCE MORE. SUDDENLY CRISPIN SLUMPS FORWARD FACE FIRST INTO HIS SPAGHETTI WITH A THUD. MILES SCREAMS.
MILES
Jesus Fucking Christ!
JAMES
Smooth.
MILES
Well I’m sorry. He scared me half to death.
JAMES GETS UP AND STANDS BEHIND CRISPIN’S CHAIR. HE REACHES AROUND AND PICKS UP CRISPIN’S WRIST AND FEELS FOR A PULSE. HE STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT.
MILES
Well?
JAMES
Well what?
MILES
Is he?
JAMES
I guess.
MILES
You guess? You guess?! You need to be sure.
JAMES
Then yes.
MILES
Yes, what?
JAMES
Yes, I’m sure.
MILES
You’re positive?
JAMES
I was a nurse for six years. Yes I am positive.
MILES
I thought you were a dental hygienist.
JAMES
No, I was a fucking nurse!
MILES
Okay. I forgot. Who was I thinking of?
JAMES
God knows.
MILES
And you’re absolutely certain?
JAMES
As far as I can tell.
MILES
No, that’s not good enough. You have to be one hundred per cent…
JAMES
Look...I know what I am talking about.
MILES
As long as you’re certain. You have a tendency to be vague on occasion.
JAMES
That’s true but not this time.
MILES
So you admit you have been vague before?
JAMES
You’re flogging it. Before yes. Not now.
MILES
I see.
JAMES
“I see what?”
MILES
No, no. It’s nothing. So this is what it takes.
JAMES
What are you talking about?
MILES
I just find that very interesting.
JAMES
In what way interesting?
MILES
Interesting in that it would take something like this for you to admit you have been wrong on occasion.
JAMES
Not wrong. Vague. Two different things and usually there were some sort of medications involved. Look. Can we focus?
MILES
Of course. We can discuss it later.
JAMES
What’s to discuss? We don’t need to discuss anything. In case you hadn’t noticed we’re in the middle of something big here.
MILES
I’m well aware of that.
JAMES
Well that’s a surprise. You seem to be willing to discuss every thing else but the present situation. So how about we put aside our little issues and finish what we started?
MILES
If you say so.
JAMES
If I say… okay. I am not going to get angry.
MILES
Good.
JAMES GLARES AT HIM. HE REACHES AROUND AND DRINKS SOME WINE.
Do you think that’s wise?
JAMES
I need it.
MILES
If you say so.
JAMES
I do say so. You’re becoming very annoying.
MILES
Any excuse.
JAMES
Get fucked.
MILES
Pass.
JAMES
Right…now. Things to do. We have to get the stuff from the car.
MILES
Oh.
JAMES
Oh what?
MILES
Is it absolutely necessary?
JAMES
Yes it is! Absolutely necessary. We can’t leave him like this.
MILES
Why not? No one is going to know. It’s not like people are going to rush down here on a whim to check up on him.
JAMES
I’m going to say this once more and this is the final time so make sure it sinks into that tiny brain of yours. This is the plan. We don’t stray from the plan. The plan is all important. In other words stop fucking with the plan! Otherwise it’s all going to be for nought and they will catch us. You understand what it means by catch us? It means we go to prison. Prison! Have you any idea what prison is like?
MILES
No. But I could always call your mother.
JAMES
Be as flippant as you like but you know what they’ll do to you in prison?
MILES
Leave me alone to read my books in my comfy cell or catch up on my stories?
JAMES
They will rape you.
MILES
Really?
JAMES
Every night.
MILES
Well that’s my dance card filled.
JAMES
And not just once. Again and again and again.
MILES
On the first night?
JAMES
You’ll have so many people through you you’ll be walking around with a trapeze net in your undies to stop your guts falling out. And not just the good looking rough trade ones you’re so fond of either. Next to your sister’s fortieth we’re talking the biggest, fattest, ugliest brutes you ever laid eyes on. These guys are mean. They have scars and tattoos all over their bodies.
MILES
I happen to think some scars are sexy.
JAMES
Not when they bisect your top and bottom lips they’re not.
MILES
And some tattoos are nice.
JAMES
Did I mention they put the tattoos on themselves using rusty house nails stabbed into the forearms hundreds of times?
MILES
Ouch.
JAMES
Yes. Well, I guarantee you the first words coming out of your mouth once these guys get their hands on you is not going to be ‘ouch’. That’s if you can use your mouth anyway.
MILES
Why won’t I be able to use my mouth? [THINKS] Oh.
JAMES
That’s right sweet cheeks. Spit roast central.
MILES
Gross. How come you know so much about it?
JAMES
You should have watched OZ once or twice when I told you.
MILES
You know I hate Judy Garland.
JAMES
Well Judy probably never put herself in the position of being shivved in the shower or ram-rodded with a broom handle while her friends clang, clang, clanged on the trolley. Now are you going to help me or do you want to just stand around flapping your pie hole?
MILES
No. I’ll help.
JAMES
You’re damn right you’re going to help. It’s you who suggested it in the first place.
MILES
I know. I know. It’s just so…final.
JAMES
That is a good thing. May I remind you the guy was a complete arsehole?
MILES
I know.
JAMES
He treated everyone like shit. “A bloated fuck-pig with delusions of grandeur and zero talent who ponced and preened like a walrus in a corset in the chorus of a few West End musicals way back in the nineties, and now lives off his scrappy stories and tenuous connections to the poor but actually talented bastards he brushed up against or groped in some stage door when they were too pissed to run away in sheer horror. And when he wasn’t name dropping about his fabulous interviews with the likes of Stephen Schwartz, Jerry Herman or the marvellous Stephen Sondheim, his tongue so far up their arses he could check their prostates, he was and I quote “pissing on the dreams and successes on anything that didn’t involve him. He deserved to die.” Unquote. Your words.
MILES
My, wasn’t I articulate?
JAMES
May I remind you what he said about your show in his shitty two bit fag mag review?
MILES
No. You may not.
JAMES
Let’s see…for starters, you were, and I am paraphrasing here “more wooden than the crate you sat on in act one.” He said your singing was garden variety eisteddfod level and you plehd an unconvincing heterosexual.
MILES
Garden variety I understand but I’m still not sure what he meant by unconvincing heterosexual.
JAMES
Well, in a nut shell I think what he was saying is that, for a straight character, you were hitting a high John-Michael Howson on the flame-ometer.
MILES
I don’t pay attention to reviews.
JAMES
Bullshit. You fumed for a month. I’m not saying that rag is the pinnacle of journalism but Jesus, people, and by people I mean gay people read whatever that cloth-eared goat lover has to say and think it’s an accurate reflection of what everyone else saw. Much like your good self on most Friday nights it goes down on the public record.
MILES
Ta.
JAMES
Think nothing of it. Like most people who set themselves up in the gay media he’s qualified for fuck all. Especially in that rag. One week its theatre reviews, the next it’s giving recipes for dried out pumpkin scones! Hardly a specialist. People only did interviews with him because they knew he was fluff. Useful but fluff. He was a lame show pony who should have been taken behind the screens years ago and given a bullet to the head.
MILES
Boy you really are passionate about this.
JAMES
That’s because only I know how much he hurt you.
MILES
Maybe it was lousy show. Hardly anyone saw it.
JAMES
Don’t you dare say that! I won’t have you buying into that lie. It was a very good show and that’s not just my opinion. His shitty review put people off. But his opinion really shouldn’t matter. I saw it and I loved it.
MILES
You’re biased.
JAMES
Maybe for a time but not now.
MILES
He was quite cruel at times.
JAMES
He was a class “A” cunt. And the worst thing is people let him get away with it for years. I’m sure if we scratched the surface only slightly there’d be a pus-like eruption of people wanting to bump him off. We’re just doing the world a favour. Trust me. He won’t be missed! Now how about we stop flapping our gums and you try and help me.
MILES
Okay.
JAMES
Go and get the tools and the tarp out of the car.
MILES
The what?
JAMES
The tarpaulin.
MILES
How butch you are in a crisis.
JAMES
Aren’t I though? It’s in the back seat.
MILES
Okay.
JAMES
And hurry. I don’t want him bursting his bum juice all over the upholstery.
MILES
His what?
JAMES
I read how people’s bowels explode once they’ve popped their clogs.
MILES
I’ve never read that.
JAMES
Not likely you’d find it in Marie Claire are you? Now scuttle.
MILES
Righteo.
HE EXITS. JAMES LOOKS AROUND THEN GOES AROUND. HE LOOKS AT CRISPIN FOR A MOMENT. HE LEANS DOWN AND WHISPERS INTO CRISPIN’S EAR.
JAMES
Not so talky now are you? You bloated Sasquatch.
HE GOES TO TOUCH HIM BUT IS SLIGHTLY RELUCTANT. INSTEAD HE TAKES TWO PIECES OF CUTLERY, STICKS THE ENDS IN CRISPIN’S EARS AND LIFTS HIM OUT OF THE SPAGHETTI. HE POKES HIM. [HE TAKES A FORK AND STICKS IT INTO CRISPIN’S SIDE.
Gross. You know what? I’m almost sorry this happened. Oh not sorry you’re dead. Oh no. Just I would’ve liked something a little more violent to take you out. Just a little more…dramatic. Something where you were awake and felt every bit of it. I would’ve liked to have seen your face as your realised what we were doing to you. Watched the colour drain out of that fat bloated piggy face of yours, gasping your last breath and us smiling right back at you. How would that have been huh? Fucking brilliant. But that wasn’t my choice so I guess I’ll just have to take what I can get.
MILES ENTERS, CARRYING A CARDBOARD BOX WITH SOME TOOLS AND A TARP. HE DROPS THE BOX WITH A THUD.
Fucking hell. Is that really necessary? I almost shit myself.
MILES
Look who’s the nervous Nelly now. It’s raining outside.
JAMES
Well it would hardly be raining inside would it?
MILES
There’s no need to be side. It really isn’t very becoming. What were you doing?
MILES TAKES A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES AND A PAIR OF OVEN MITTS OUT OF THE BOX. HE HANDS THE OVEN MITTS TO JAMES WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD
JAMES
When?
MILES
Just then. When I was coming down the hall I heard you talking to someone. Who were you talking to?
JAMES
No-one. Myself. I was talking to myself.
MILES
Yourself?
JAMES
That’s right.
MILES
Okay. So what now?
JAMES
Well, I don’t know. How about we get our little act together and maybe get rid of the body?
MILES
There’s no need to be facetious.
JAMES
Help me get him out of the chair so we have more room.
MILES
Right.
JAMES TRIES TO SHIFT HIM OUT OF THE CHAIR. MILES JUST PUSHES HIM. THE BODY FALLS ON TOP OF JAMES. JAMES GROANS AND PUSHES CRISPIN’S BODY OFF HIM. MILES STOPS AND LOOKS AT JAMES ADMIRINGLY
JAMES
What?
MILES
Nothing. I’m just looking.
JAMES
How nice for you.
MILES
I’m just so impressed.
JAMES
With what?
MILES
I don’t know. I guess I’ve just never seen this side of you before. So focused. Such a go ahead take charge sort of guy. It’s like the way you were when we used to go out.
JAMES
Oh good.
MILES
Yes, I must say it’s almost exciting to see you like this. It’s been a long time.
JAMES
If you say so.
MILES
You know what?
JAMES
What?
MILES
Oh no forget about it.
JAMES
No, no. What?
MILES
I was just thinking…before we get down to the nitty gritty…
JAMES
Yes? [MILES LEERS AT HIM] Oh for fucks sakes. You’re kidding me.
MILES
What?
JAMES
You cannot be serious.
MILES
Why not? We could do it right now.
JAMES
Get real.
MILES
I’m feeling kinda horny. Aren’t you?
JAMES
Good God no!
MILES
Come on. You have to admit there’s still some attraction between us.
JAMES
I admit nothing.
MILES
You can’t hide your feelings.
JAMES
My feelings? Any feelings I had for you were dashed upon the rocks about 5 years ago when you decided you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants with complete strangers. You’ve had and lost 3 boyfriends since then. I’ve moved on.
MILES
Rubbish. I see the way you look at me sometimes. There’s still feelings there, I think.
JAMES
You got that line from a film. I know it. And I do not look at you sometimes. Not anymore anyway.
MILES
Really?
JAMES
Okay. That look? Just exactly what does that look I give you resemble?
MILES
I don’t know. Like a longing.
JAMES
A longing? Are you reading that from something?
MILES
That’s right.
JAMES
I see. And…uh…is this the look you’re talking about?
MILES
[UNSURE] Kinda.
JAMES
Okay. I think it’s safe to say that the look you’re talking about is reserved for when I want to leap across a table, smack three shades of shit out of you then garrotte you with a potato peeler!
MILES
Forget about it.
JAMES
The only smart thing you’ve said this entire evening. Right.
HE BENDS DOWN TO MOVE THE BODY, STOPS AND STANDS UP AGAIN
Independence Day.
MILES
What?
JAMES
That line you said. It was from Independence Day. I should have known.
JAMES DRAGS HIM AROUND THE FRONT OF THE TABLE BY HIS FEET.
Now stop talking and help me.
THEY GRAB THE ENDS OF THE DINING CLOTH AND GATHER UP ALL THE TABLE WEAR ETC. A MEATBALL HITS THE FLOOR. THEY DO NOT SEE IT.
JAMES
We have to make sure there’s nothing left to link us to being here. You haven’t touched anything?
MILES
I don’t think so.
JAMES
Don’t give me “I don’t think so.” That’s not what I want to hear. Give me “Yes James I am quite sure I haven’t touched anything.” I can’t tell you how important this is.
MILES
Yes, James, I am quite sure I haven’t touched anything.
JAMES
Don’t give me sass. And neither of us have used the toilet or touched any else that wasn’t on the table?
MILES
No. I’ve been careful not to. I’ve been in this room the whole time. In fact I’m dying for a piss. My back teeth are floating.
JAMES
Well we’re not stopping anywhere for at least 15 mins so keep your gusset dry till then. I don’t want your DNA on anything in this place.
MILES
Fifteen minutes?
JAMES
That’s right. Problem?
MILES
No. Not at all. [CRINGEING] You may be wiping down the passenger seat.
JAMES
Now we called him from a public telephone miles from our place, right. Mobile phone! Where’s his mobile phone?
MILES
Why? If he took our call from a public phone then it’s not going to trace back to us.
JAMES
We‘ll take it just in case.
MILES
Why?
JAMES
Because they might work out that someone’s called him.
MILES
But they’re not going to know it’s us.
JAMES
It doesn’t matter. You’re always watching those cop shows. They’re very clever.
MILES
I only watch Law and Order. And Cold Case…and SVU but only for Chris Meloni. What a hunk. Wouldn’t mind being sexually molested by him. He could bang me in the slammer any day.
JAMES
It doesn’t matter. They can trace calls. They could strangulate the call or whatever.
MILES
That’s “triangulate.” And it won’t matter. We didn’t use our mobiles to call him, remember?
JAMES
We should take it anyway. Just to be on the safe side. Where is it?
MILES
No fucking idea.
JAMES
Well, go look in the other rooms. Bedroom. Kitchen. Go!
MILES RUNS OFF WHILE JAMES LOOKS AROUND. HE SEARCHES AROUND THE TABLE. HE THEN LOOKS AT THE BODY ON THE FLOOR. RELUCTANTLY HE LEANS OVER AND FEELS AROUND CRISPIN’S BODY. IT LETS OUT A FART NOISE.
SUDDENLY A MOBILE PHONE RINGS UNDER CRISPIN. JAMES FALLS BACK. MILES WALKS IN, HOLDING A HANDSFREE PHONE AND A SMALL BUSINESS CARD THAT HE HAS GOTTEN THE NUMBER FROM. JAMES GLARES AT HIM.
JAMES
You fucking idiot! You almost gave me a heart attack.
MILES
Well at least we know where his mobile was. Hey, is that funny or what? He has the same ring tone as mine. Great minds…
JAMES
Shut the fuck up!
MILES
Certainly.
MILES TAKES THE MOBILE OUT OF CRISPINS’ POCKET AND PUTS IT IN HIS. JAMES STARTS WIPING DOWN THE CHAIRS
JAMES
Now all we have to do is make sure there’s no trace of our passage from the car to this table. No brushing up against the walls?
MILES
No.
JAMES
No using any other utensils except what was on the table?
MILES
No.
JAMES
And you did not go into the kitchen?
MILES
For fuck’s sake no!
JAMES
Good. Then all we have to do is the obvious with the body, walk out, dump the contents somewhere they can’t find them and then we’re home and hosed. [GRABBING THE TARP] Help me.
MILES
What? Oh.
HE HELPS LAY OUT THE TARPAULIN
Do you think many other people have thought of this?
JAMES
Thought of what?
MILES
This. What we’re doing.
JAMES
Probably plenty. Everyone hated her. They should be giving us an award.
MILES
And not one of those bogus gay ones but a real one with medals and everything.
JAMES
Look we’ve already had this discussion in the car. Let’s focus just that little more, Huh?
THEY TRY AND LIFT THE BODY
Fuck me she weighs a ton. Not like in the movies. They move the bodies so quickly and easily in them.
THEY ROLL THE BODY ON TO THE TARP. IT KEEPS LETTING OUT FART NOISES.
MILES
Gross.
JAMES LOOKS AT CRISPIN. HE THEN LOOKS AT MILES WHO LEERS AGAIN. JAMES GLARES AT HIM, GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BOX AND TAKES SOMETHING OUT. HE MOVES SEDUCTIVELY TOWARDS MILES WHO THINKS SEX MIGHT BE A POSSIBILITY. INSTEAD JAMES SHOVES A SMALL HAND SAW INTO MILE’S CHEST.
JAMES
Here!
MILES
What? Oh.
JAMES INDICATES THAT HE WANTS MILES TO CUT THE BODY UP. MILES RELUCTANTLY MOVES CLOSER TO THE BODY. HE FUSSES OVER WHERE HE SHOULD START. HE STARTS AT THE ANKLES THEN MOVES TO AN ARM. FINALLY HE PLACES THE SAW AGAINST CRISPIN’S THROAT. HE CRINGES THEN STOPS.
MILES
I think we have to stop.
JAMES
Stop?
MILES
That’s right. I think I’m having a crisis of faith.
JAMES
We’ve just killed someone. I think adherence to any sort of faith will be well and truly nullified. If you think you’re going to heaven now you’re in for a big shock.
MILES
No I don’t believe in any of that crap.
JAMES
Good. Now get on with it
MILES SCOWLS AT HIM. FINALLY HE KNEELS DOWN AND PLACES THE BLADE UP AGAINST CRISPIN’S NECK AGAIN. HE CRINGES, CLOSES HIS EYES, HOIS HAND STARTS SHAKING.AFTER A MOMENT HE JUMPS UP.
MILES
I can’t do this!
JAMES
Oh for fuck’s sakes!
MILES
You do it!
JAMES
What?
MILES
I just can’t cut him up. It’s seems so wrong.
JAMES
We’ve just given him cyanide. I don’t think “wrong” comes into it anymore! He’s not going to feel anything.
MILES
How do you know?
JAMES
I just do.
MILES
Then you do it.
JAMES
Me?!
MILES
Yes. You do it.
JAMES
That wasn’t what we planned. I gave him the poison. You cut up the body.
MILES
[PLEADING AND CRYING] I just can’t do it. Please don’t make me. I’ll throw up. I swear. Then we’ll have all my DNA all over the place. You want to have to clean that up? You have to do it. I’ll give you anything. I’ll give you my Nintendo Wii. Please!
GRABBING THE SAW FROM MILES
JAMES
Oh, for crying out loud. Well, get the tarp under him properly at least. Fucking girl.
MILES MOVES THE TARP UNDER CRISPIN’S BODY. JAMES DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND PLACES THE SAW ACROSS CRISPIN’S NECK. MILES STANDS BACK AND STUFFS HIS FIST INSIDE HIS MOUTH. HE WINCES AND GIVES A LITTLE MOAN. JAMES GLARES AT HIM. HE IS JUST ABOUT TO CUT INTO THE BODY. MILES IS TRYING NOT TO THROW UP. JAMES HESITATES AND AFTER A MOMENT THROWS THE SAW DOWN AND STANDS UP.
MILES
Wimp.
JAMES
Well, we’ll just have to think of something else.
MILES
We could just bury his body, couldn’t we?
JAMES
I thought we agreed it would be better if he was spread out over a large area. It’s harder to put two and two together then.
MILES
But why are we doing it this way anyway?
JAMES
What are you talking about?
MILES
Well, he’s already dead. No one even knows we were here. It’s the middle of the bush and we’re miles from the main road. There’s nothing to connect him with us. We could just leave him. Who’s going to miss him? He hasn’t got any family does he?
JAMES
Not that we know of. I heard his mother died a while ago.
MILES
And no boyfriend.
JAMES
As if.
MILES
No one is going to be thinking about him for at least a few days. What’s the point of burying him in bits?
JAMES
Because I would rather dig a few small holes a long way from each other than one big deep one where it could get dug up by some moose or something.
MILES
Moose?
JAMES
I don’t know. Some animal.
MILES
Do we even have mooses in this country?
JAMES
Shut - Up!
THE PHONE RINGS. WITHOUT THINKING MILES ANSWERS IT.
MILES
[BRIGHTLY] Hello?
HE REALISES WHAT HE HAS JUST DONE. HE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND PUTS IT BACK DOWN ON THE TABLE. JAMES WATCHES HIM, HORRIFIED.
JAMES
Are you a fucking idiot?!
MILES
Sorry. Force of habit.
JAMES
Now someone is going to know someone was here.
MILES
It doesn’t matter. Maybe that’s perfect. It will put the police off. They’ll think that maybe it was the killer.
JAMES
It was the killer.
MILES
Hang on a minute. I didn’t kill him.
JAMES
What?
MILES
I didn’t kill him. You were the one that put the poison in his pasta.
JAMES
Oh how quickly the worm has turned. You were the one with the motive.
MILES
But I didn’t actually kill him.
JAMES
You were about to hack him up. In fact you were the one who originally suggested we do that part of it. I suggested acid, remember?
MILES
Yes in afterthought maybe the acid would have been better.
JAMES
It doesn’t matter. In the eyes of the police we are both as guilty as fuck.
MILES
That’s if they ever catch us.
JAMES
Well if you insist on hanging around here answering the phone like some Sally Switchboard that’s a definite possibility. Can we just get the fuck out of here?
MILES
And we can just leave him here?
JAMES
Yes alright. Just shut up talking about it.
THEY ROLL THE BODY
MILES
I can’t believe it’s happened.
JAMES
Yes it’s all so wonderful. Years from now we’ll look back on this and laugh our tits off. Now move your arse.
MILES THROWS THE TARP AT JAMES AND GRABS THE TABLECLOTH BUNDLE. JAMES GRABS THE SAW AND BOX OF TOOLS. THEY RUN OFF STAGE.
BLACKOUT
THE STAGE DROPS TO BLACK. SOUND EFFECTS OF RAIN, RUNNING FEET, BOOT OPENING AND CLOSING AND PEOPLE GETTING INTO A CAR.
THEY RUN BACK ON FROM THE OTHER SIDE, CARRYING TWO CHAIRS AND A STEERING WHEEL. ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE CAST GETS IN FRONT OF THEM WITH A SMOKE MACHINE AND ANOTHER ACTOR CROUCHES DOWN HOLDING A SMALL FAN BLOWING THE SMOKE ACROSS THEM TO INDICATE TRAVELLING. THE SOUND OF THUNDER AND RAIN WITH OCCASIONAL LIGHTNING FLASHES AND OLD FILM NOIR ESCAPE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND.
MILES LOOKS ACROSS AT HIM
MILES
I can’t believe we did it.
JAMES
Yes. One small step for mankind. One giant reduction in mediocrity for the theatre.
MILES
Careful. Mind how you go. It’s very wet.
JAMES
Nothing gets past you.
THEY SWERVE TO ONE SIDE THEN THE OTHER. A TREE BRUSHES PAST THEM. A STUFFED KOALA LANDS IN MILES’ LAP. HE THROWS IT BEHIND THEM. THEY SWERVE AGAIN. MILES LOOKS AT JAMES AMOROUSLY AGAIN. HE LEANS OVER AND TOUCHES HIM ON THE CHEST
JAMES
Stop it.
MILES
You love it.
JAMES
You’ll be loving it from casualty if you don’t stop. It’s incredibly dangerous. I can’t see where the fuck I’m going
MILES DROPS DOWN AND STARTS TO RUB HIS FACE INTO JAMES’ CROTCH.
JAMES
Miles, stop it. This isn’t the time or the place. Be careful. Watch it.
MILES
Such a wet blanket.
THE SOUND OF A MOBILE PHONE. MILES SITS UP AND ANSWERS IT.
Hello, this is Miles. [PAUSE] Well who the fuck is this?
HE HANGS UP THEN HE LOOKS AT THE PHONE. HE THEN SLOWLY TAKES THE OTHER MOBILE PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET. HE LOOKS CONFUSED
JAMES
What the fuck was that?
THERE IS A BRIGHT HEADLIGHT COMING UP ON THEM AND CAR HORN BLARING.
MILES
Look out for that tree!
JAMES
I see the fucking tree. Look out!
THEY BOTH SCREAM AND FLAIL OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS.
BLACKOUT
BLACKOUT TO THE SOUND OF SCREECHING TYRES AND A CAR HITTING A TREE.
LIGHTS COME UP ON CRISPIN’S BODY. THE PHONE STARTS RINGING. IT RINGS FOR A WHILE. SUDDENLY CRISPIN SITS BOLT UPRIGHT WITH A GASP. HE LOOKS DAZED, GETS UP AND WALKS AROUND THE ROOM. HE STOPS CENTRE. HE STAGGERS A BIT, HE STARTS TO LOOK NAUSEOUS. HE RUNS OFF STAGE. SOUNDS OF THROWING UP. HE RE-ENTERS. HE LOOKS AROUND. HE THINKS FOR A MOMENT. HE LOOKS AROUND. HE SUDDENLY REMEMBERS WHAT HAS HAPPENED.
THE PHONE STARTS TO RING. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.
CRISPIN
Hello? Who’s that? Oh Lesley. Darling, I’m sorry. I’m just a bit vague at the moment. Something’s happened and I’m not thinking straight. I think someone just tried to kill me. No I’m not overreacting. I think someone was here. I can’t remember. Yes. I’ll call the police in a moment. Just need to clear my head. Of course I’ll do the benefit on Tuesday. The show must go on. I’ll call you back.
HE DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER.
Yes, I need the police. I think someone may have tried to kill me. Yes, I’ll hold.
HE LOOKS AROUND. HE SEES THE MEATBALL ON THE FLOOR. HE PICKS IT UP AND LOOKS PUZZLED. HE DISMISSES IT AND SWALLOWS THE MEATBALL.
Yes, I think maybe…
HE STARTS TO CHOKE ON THE MEATBALL. HE TRIES TO HIT HIS OWN BACK AND PANICS. HE STARTS TO SUFFOCATE. THE LIGHTS START TO FADE AS CRISPIN STARTS CHOKING TO DEATH. HE TAKES ONE LAST GASP THEN FALLS TO THE FLOOR WITH SOME MUSICAL OVERTURE PLAYING.
BLACKOUT
ACT TWO
VOICE OVERS
VOICE 2
Decidedly tasteful. No. My story’s not so calculating. Three friends meet at a cocktail party.
VOICE 1
Cocktail party? Sweetheart, the 50’s called. They want their words back.
VOICE 2
Drop dead.
VOICE 3
Okay so it’s a little drinkie soiree?
VOICE 4
Making it all French sounding doesn’t let you off the hook.
VOICE 2
Get fucked. A lot of noise. Very glamorous and tasteful. Party frocks and drugs aplenty. Big hair and bigger arses. Our friends observe it like a trio of gods in the wings watching their world. It is a very classy affair.
LIGHTS UP ON THE THREE MEN IN SUITS. ALL HAVE GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE IN HAND. THEY ARE LOOKING AROUND. CRAIG IS STIRRING THE CONTENTS OF HIS GLASS WITH HIS FINGER THEN LICKS HIS FINGERS. THE OTHER TWO LOOK AT HIM.
CRAIG
This tastes like absolute parrot piss. I should’ve had a beer. What a rip off. Eight bucks for this? Tastes like someone dipped their sweaty balls in balsamic vinegar.
TRISTRAM
[TO THE OTHER ONE] I can see the attraction.
CRAIG
Can I go sit in the car?
TRISTRAM
You know it’s not smart to leave dogs in car.
ALAN
We’ve only been here ten minutes.
CRAIG
I think I’m coming down with something.
TRISTRAM
Yes. A severe case of ugly. Or Troll.
CRAIG
Go bag your head.
ALAN
Sometimes when he’s asleep, I do. It seems preferable to waking up next to him in the morning. His morning breath made the cat go bald.
TRISTRAM
Poor kitty.
CRAIG
Save that for your plays. Why are we here again?
ALAN
Apparently it’s the thing to do.
CRAIG
Says who?
ALAN
Says everyone. I mean everyone says.
CRAIG
And who’s everyone?
ALAN
People I know.
CRAIG
You don’t know anyone besides me and him.
TRISTRAM
You are so conceited.
CRAIG
What?
ALAN
Well hung.
CRAIG
That’s alright then.
TRISTRAM
Don’t encourage his stupidity. Yes, I’ve heard about these nights from people as well.
CRAIG
You sure they’re not just voices inside your head? Because you can get a tablet for that these days.
TRISTRAM
You are hilarious. I don’t know how someone didn’t snap you up sooner. How long have you been together again?
CRAIG
Buggered if I know.
ALAN
Seven years. You always forget.
CRAIG
I don’t forget. I just don’t care enough to remember.
TRISTRAM
What a skip through the meadows that must be.
ALAN
If you must know I heard about tonight from the gay magazine.
TRISTRAM
Oh Jesus.
CRAIG
Oh shit.
ALAN
What?
TRISTRAM
What have I told you?
ALAN
I don’t know. You talk so much. Enlighten me.
TRISTRAM
Don’t read gay papers! It only encourages them to keep printing it! Full of dreck and real estate you can’t afford. Photos of fat or thin foo-foos standing against brick walls in some supposedly amazing new night club that’ll last a week or two, bitter lesbians still complaining no-one’s listening to them or some shut-in waste of space flogging their latest book, film, play or pimple cream like anyone gives a shit.
ALAN
You’ve got too much time on your hands to think about this.
CRAIG
Is that why we’re here tonight? Because you read about it in a gay paper?
ALAN
I thought it might be fun. Besides, it’s a fundraiser.
TRISTRAM
For what?
ALAN
I...uh…something very worthy.
CRAIG
Yes, well the door charge was nice and worthy.
ALAN
It might be nice to think about someone else for a change. Think of the kiddies.
TRISTRAM
It’s for kiddies?
ALAN
I think so.
TRISTRAM
You mean you don’t know?
ALAN
Of course I do. I wrote it down somewhere.
CRAIG
With the usual big crayon.
TRISTRAM
Well I know why you invited me but why did you have to drag him along?
ALAN
You said “bring your friend.” Remember?
TRISTRAM
I must have been off my tits.
CRAIG
All six of them?
TRISTRAM
Maybe we should have come alone.
CRAIG
Yeah why did you drag me along to this?
TRISTRAM
Because you should never break up a set? Even if it’s a pair of idiots.
CRAIG
Hey nanna. I don’t want to embarrass you or anything but I’m right here.
TRISTRAM
I know that.
CRAIG
What sort of place is this anyway?
TRISTRAM
Well from the look of the decor as far as I can tell it’s a yacht club but it used to be a restaurant cum tavern
CRAIG
Cum tavern? How disgusting.
TRISTRAM
Oh dear. She’s as a trial. Can you at least restrain yourself for one night?
CRAIG
If the price is right. Why did you agree to come? I would’ve thought you’d hate these things as much as I do.
TRISTRAM
I thought it might be nice to meet some new people.
CRAIG
Oh I get it.
TRISTRAM
Well there’s always a first time for everything.
CRAIG
You’re trying to get fucked, aren’t you?
TRISTRAM
What?
CRAIG
And you’re using Alan as your wing man. That’s why you’re here. The suits? The primped and pumped-up twats swanning around dripping with self importance and delusion? Finally ran out of spotty teens to letch up against at the local Hungry Jacks so now you think being in a suit might just get you laid?
TRISTRAM
I don’t need to get laid.
CRAIG
Honey, of all the people we know, you are the one person who needs to be fucked hard, fast, set on fire then chucked in a dumpster.
TRISTRAM
Charming.
CRAIG
Well I got a news flash for you all. You’re wasting your time. [LOUDER] They’re nothing but a bunch of piss elegant card passers. The only thing you’re gonna get is paper cuts from cheap business cards.
TRISTRAM
You know you could have told me he was going to be in one of his moods.
CRAIG
I don’t have moods.
TRISTRAM
Yes you do. Two of them. Dull and depressing. That’s about all the activity your tiny brain could cope with.
CRAIG
Hey I may be just a tradie to you, you fat flatulent git, but I do have a brain. Just because I’m not like you two and don’t share your enthusiasm for all things theatrical you think I’m dull and depressing.
TRISTRAM
Yes. Yes I do. Theatrical? Flatulent? My, aren’t they big words? You know, instead of sitting on your arse back home coming up with clever things to say maybe you put your efforts into maybe, I don’t now, being a little more supportive of your boyfriend.
ALAN
Guys.
CRAIG
Meaning?
TRISTRAM
Well, for starters, I hardly ever see you at his plays.
CRAIG
That’s because they bore the shit out me.
TRISTRAM
See what I mean? So supportive.
CRAIG
Hey, I don’t need to watch queens running around on stage, whining about the world and flashing their cocks. I have enough of that at home. Apart from the flashing cocks, that is. Besides I don’t see him coming to watch me put up a fence.
TRISTRAM
Just remember it’s money from all his little theatricals that gives you the chance to go on those big air-o-planes and drape your spotty arse across some sun lounge getting Bundy and Coke poured down that miserable throat of yours.
CRAIG
Hey, I pay my way.
TRISTRAM
That’s not what I hear.
CRAIG
Really? Is that what you tell everyone? That I am a sponge?
TRISTRAM
That’s a strong word. Accurate but strong.
ALAN
I don’t tell everyone.
CRAIG
You told him.
ALAN
I didn’t.
CRAIG
Then what is he talking about? Where would he get that idea from unless you said something to him?
ALAN
I’ve no idea. He has his own brain.
CRAIG
I’ve always paid my own way.
ALAN
Not always.
CRAIG
What are you talking about? When have I not paid for myself?
ALAN
That time we went to that gay resort up north five years ago. I paid for the airfares and you never paid me back.
CRAIG
What? I…I paid for the pebbling out the front of the house two months after we got back. I didn’t see you chipping in for that. I can tell you it cost a lot more than one pissy airfare to Cairns.
ALAN
Oh that’s right.
CRAIG
Oh yes “that’s right.” Tell him.
ALAN
He paid for the pebbles.
TRISTRAM
Big hairy whoop.
CRAIG
I pay my way!
ALAN
I’m sorry.
CRAIG
I can’t help it if works been a bit quiet lately.
ALAN
I know that.
CRAIG
It’s just after Christmas. It will pick up soon. It always does.
ALAN
I know that as well.
CRAIG
You’re determined to ruin my night.
ALAN
Stop getting worked up. It’s nothing.
CRAIG
Easy for you to say. How would you like it if I started blurting out stupid things about you? Not too much I bet.
TRISTRAM
Do tell.
CRAIG
Shut up, you putz. I didn’t say I was going to.
TRISTRAM
Spoil sport. Boy, you two really have a few issues you need to sort out, don’t you?
CRAIG
Just our selection of friends.
TRISTRAM
Well if you’re not going to try and have fun why don’t you go and stand outside on the balcony and just enjoy the view.
CRAIG
View?
TRISTRAM
Of course. We’re fifty feet over the bay.
CRAIG
Bay?
TRISTRAM
The big greeny blue thing we drove past on the way to the car park?
CRAIG
Why would I want to go out there?
TRISTRAM
I don’t know. Because it’s pretty? Because it’s there. Because it’s away the fuck from me.
ALAN
He doesn’t like the water.
CRAIG
Of course I don’t. What’s to like? It’s dirty. Smelly. Fish fuck in it and people drown in it.
TRISTRAM
Only stupid fisherman. You like to fish don’t you?
CRAIG
I’m quite happy here thanks.
TRISTRAM
Yes, you’re a real chuckle fest.
CRAIG
If I didn’t know you better I’d swear you were trying to get rid of me.
TRISTRAM
If I didn’t know you better I’d use bigger words.
ALAN
Jesus. What a joke.
TRISTRAM
What is?
ALAN
All these business men and stuff.
CRAIG
They’re not all business men.
TRISTRAM
Really?
CRAIG
Come off it. I’ll bet half of them probably work behind the counter of the local Subway. They think putting on a suit might get them a fuck. They don’t realise the few that actually are white collar are as boring as all bat shit.
TRISTRAM
You have such a lovely turn of phrase. Anyone ever told you that?
CRAIG
They all look so fucking vanilla. Big boy dress ups. They’ve all been watching too much gay telly. It’s all Queer As Folk, everyone living the high life, nice houses, glamorous jobs, loads of sex, brunch on Saturday mornings with a the same boringly select friends and maybe the odd movie but only if it has something gay in it or there’s the chance of a dick sighting. The real shocker is underneath they’re all so fucking predictable. It’s just “you suck me, I’ll suck you, one of us is gonna take it like a chook for a few minutes and would mind taking your shoes off. I’ve just had the carpets done.” Throw them in a dark room for some kink with a real man and they’d be off home to mother before you’ve even got a first coat of lube on the double-ended dildo. Not a bit of rough amongst them. Drag them down a laneway like in the old days, pump your dick down their throat then and slam dunk them stupid right up the dish. I hate these guys. They make me puke.
TRISTRAM
Julie Anthony, we always wondered what happened to you. Anyone ever told you you’re a homophobe?
CRAIG
I’m not homophobic.
ALAN
That’s right. He hates everyone.
CRAIG
Well right now I can tell you who’s topping my list. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go show my cock to a few people.
TRISTRAM
What?
CRAIG
I need to take a piss.
TRISTRAM LOOKS AT ALAN
ALAN
Yes, I’m very proud.
CRAIG EXITS JUST AS CRISPIN ENTERS. HE STARTS TALKING TO IMAGINARY PEOPLE
ALAN
Jesus, will you take a look at that.
TRISTRAM
Oh my god. Don’t tell me. It’s her.
CRISPIN
Hello, hello. Thank you for coming. This is wonderful. You look wonderful. Of course I mean it. I saw your last show. You were brilliant. So life-like. And the singing was to die for. Well I wanted to die. Some of those notes. I was on the edge of my seat. What a nightmare. I think most of the audience was like me darling and praying you’d hit them and you almost did, didn’t you darling? Not your fault if the orchestra was flat. Fancy you being here. Hope you’re going to do some bidding at the auction later on. I’ll be watching you like a hawk.
ALAN
Who?
TRISTRAM
Crispin Conway.
ALAN
That’s Crispin Conway?
TRISTRAM
You know. That big music theatre queen who does those theatre reviews slagging everyone off unless they’re his close personal friends. He had a go at me a few years back in one of his reviews.
ALAN
Oh that’s right.
TRISTRAM
That’s right. Fat fucker tore me to shreds.
ALAN
How come he comes to your shows and not to mine?
TRISTRAM
Because you do “real” theatre. All that angsty, talky-talky talking heads. No colour, no movement and no real action. Too boring for words.
ALAN
Careful. You’re liable to give me an inferiority complex.
TRISTRAM
Maybe that’s because you’re inferior? No, if it doesn’t have a tap number he’s not interested, I’m afraid. He only goes to musicals and cabaret.
ALAN
Yes, what’s all that about?
TRISTRAM
What can I say? There are certain queens out there who only go to musicals. I suppose it helps that they don’t have to think about what they’re watching except how fabulous it all looks. If it ain’t got a book, lyrics and 500 mincing, winking queens in the chorus, half of whom they’ve slept with or wish they had, they don’t want to know about it. He also fancies himself a director as well so look out. Good thing your boyfriend not around as well. I’ve heard tell she likes them a bit rough-trade Trevor. He’d be right up her Hershey highway.
ALAN
I think I’ve seen him before. Where was it?
TRISTRAM
Of course you have. He directed and took the lead role in that dreadful pro-am production of Les Mis I dragged you to a few years back. We met him after the show. You know, kept going on about his apartment at the Docklands. “You really must see the view.” Fuck she was hard work. And there was a definite whiff about him. Smelled like Old Spice and old dick.
ALAN
Classy. Was that him?
TRISTRAM
And that show? Must’ve been the longest version I’ve ever had the misfortune to sit through. Ran longer than the fucking revolution. I wanted to storm the stage and take out a few bastards myself. I heard they even lost a few audience members at the matinee. If you ask me they were the lucky ones. Vile putrid queen. He’s all high and pretentious but I saw him at a dance party passed out in a urinal trough. I think he was trying to swim upstream to spawn.
CRAIG ENTERS. CRISPIN CUTS HIM OFF
CRISPIN
Well, hello. And who are we then?
CRAIG STOPS AND LOOKS AT HIM
CRAIG
Can’t help you sweetheart but if you look at your drivers licence…
CRAIG CONTINUES OVER TO THE OTHERS.
Eight fifty for a beer. They can kiss my dick.
CRISPIN STARTS TO FOLLOW CRAIG BUT TRISTRAM CUTS HIM OFF
TRISTRAM
Hello Crispin.
CRISPIN
[STILL LEERING AT CRAIG] Hello darling. How are you? Haven’t seen you in ages. You look great.
TRISTRAM
Thanks.
CRISPIN
Oh wait. I know you from somewhere, don’t I?
TRISTRAM
I acted in a show once. You even reviewed it.
ALAN
I see you got yourself another drink.
CRAIG
Can’t hide anything from you, can I? I’m going outside for a fag.
ALAN
No joints, please. We still have to get home.
CRAIG
Of course not.
HE TAKES A JOINT OUT OF HIS POCKET AND EXITS. ALAN STANDS WATCHING TRISTRAM AND CRISPIN.
CRISPIN
Really? So you’re an actor? Just what the world needs another one of.
TRISTRAM
I was.
CRISPIN
Was? Well, I hope it wasn’t something I said that made you stop.
TRISTRAM
Not really.
CRISPIN
Of course not. What would I know? Well isn’t this a marvellous turn out?
TRISTRAM
I suppose.
CRISPIN
I’m sorry darling. I have completely forgotten your name.
TRISTRAM
Tristram. Tristram Ardell.
CRISPIN
And what show did I see you in darling?
TRISTRAM
Dirt. The one about those Moors murderers.
CRISPIN
Oh that’s right. Darling it was deadly. So depressing. One more sad solo and I would’ve been looking for someone to kick my stool out. And where was the happy ending? If there is one thing I insist upon in a musical…
TRISTRAM
It was a play with music.
CRISPIN
It must have a happy ending. It just…fell away. Nothing. But I do hope I didn’t upset you with my little review? I just write it as I see it. No hard feelings?
TRISTRAM
None at all.
CRISPIN
And what do you think of our little soiree tonight?
TRISTRAM
Well it’s…
CRISPIN
It’s just a teaser of course for our big fundraiser night next month. Everyone has said yes so far. Rhonda, Spencer, Caroline. Well they’ve promised but I’m sure they’ll be there…if they know what’s good for them. And a few lesser ones as well. Gives them something to do, God bless them. I mean what’s the point singing around a piano with all your out of work chums when you can entertain others even less fortunate? And of course it all goes to the kiddies…after expenses.
TRISTRAM
So it is for poor kiddies?
CRISPIN
Yes indeed. They’ve had such a hard time.
ALAN
And what kiddies would these be?
TRISTRAM
Crispin this is a friend of mine. Alan Dowd. Alan, Crispin Conway.
CRISPIN
Pleasure. Are you in the theatre?
TRISTRAM
Alan is a playwright.
CRISPIN
Really. Would I have seen anything of yours?
TRISTRAM
Alan just does little gay plays in Brunswick.
CRISPIN
Any cock in them? Oh, well. Don’t worry darling. I’m sure it will happen for you one day.
ALAN
Oh I don’t do too badly. Have had a few…
CRISPIN
Isn’t that lovely?
ALAN
Yes, isn’t it? What kiddies?
CRISPIN
Kiddies?
ALAN
The ones this fundraiser is for?
CRISPIN
Oh, not really sure. Some dusky natives in Angelola or somewhere.
ALAN
Angelola?
CRISPIN
It’s in Africa. Course I was expecting a bigger turn out. I’ve done about 20 of these affairs. You may have heard of some of my previous fundraisers. Shake Your Groove Thing for the Epileptic Society, Reach Out And Touch Someone, that was School for the Blind and of course Stand Tall, Stand Proud for the Spastic Centre. Of course the one I’m most proud of was after the tsunami. Got all my showbiz friends to put out a cd. It was called I’m Sending You A Wave Of Love. I can tell you it brought a tear to many people.
ALAN
I’ll bet it did.
CRISPIN
Pity it barely covered production costs. Those…people could have really used that money, I bet.
TRISTRAM
I might just get another drink. Alan?
ALAN
Nothing for me thanks.
CRISPIN
If you’re going to the bar?
TRISTRAM
Yes?
CRISPIN
White Russian.
TRISTRAM
Okay.
HE WAITS TO COLLECT MONEY FROM CRISPIN WHO IS NOW LOOKING AWAY
Okay. You get the next one. [COLLECTING CRAIG WHO IS HEADING BACK IN ON THE WAY OUT] Come on drop kick. Regale me with one of your hilarious carpentry stories.
CRAIG
Fuck off.
TRISTRAM
I’ll shout you a Shirley Temple.
CRAIG
Done.
TRISTRAM AND CRAIG EXIT
ALAN
You know we’ve actually met before?
CRISPIN
Where was that? Let me guess. Nanette Harrison’s cabaret at the Butterfly, wasn’t it?
ALAN
No.
CRISPIN
Oh no of course not. It was at the Wicked opening. Wasn’t it a beautiful show? One of the most amazing things I’ve seen in a long time. Saw it in London of course but I have to say it was a little pedestrian in comparison with Melbourne’s production. So much tighter. And we love it tight. You know I was saying to Stephen Schwartz when he was in Melbourne I think the Aussies really managed to milk every nuance out of that script. Even the gnome had his moments. Stephen agreed with me.
ALAN
No. It wasn’t Wicked.
CRISPIN
You’re right. It was outrageous! [PAUSE] I’m sorry. You’ll just have to forgive. I simply cannot place you. Unless they’re famous I am really dreadful with names. But I’m great on faces…I’m told. Just kidding…or am I? Aren’t I shocking?
ALAN
I don’t go to much musical theatre.
CRISPIN
Oh pity. Your loss but to each his own.
ALAN
You really don’t remember me do you?
CRISPIN
Should I?
ALAN
No. We were at school together.
CRISPIN
You’re kidding. Really?
ALAN
It was a long time ago.
CRISPIN
You’re telling me. School was forever ago.
ALAN
And we were in different years, of course.
CRISPIN
Ah, so that’s why I don’t remember. I rarely hung out with older students.
ALAN
I was 2 years below you. Of course we didn’t really mix.
CRISPIN
Pity.
ALAN
And back then you were plain old Christopher Cohen.
CRISPIN
Was I? Yes, well, plain old Christopher Cohen doesn’t really light up a billboard does it? Had it changed by deed poll 15 years ago. Well, fancy that. You and me at school together. Small world.
ALAN
Isn’t it though? You used to hang around with the year 12 drama crowd. Always in the school shows. Like a world separate from the rest of us. Adam Spencer, Mike Williams, Liam Buggy and all that crowd.
CRISPIN
Liam Buggy. Liam. Yes. Now that name rings a bell. Tall blonde boy wasn’t he?
ALAN
Dark haired and shortish.
CRISPIN
Yes that’s right.
ALAN
I think you did Kiss Me Kate Together.
CRISPIN
Did we? Maybe we did. Time does funny things to one’s memory.
ALAN
Funny thing was we became very close for a time a few years later. I bumped into him one night in a bar. I’m surprised you don’t remember too much about him. He always talked about you. When you went overseas he followed your career with keen interest.
CRISPIN
Did he? Well it’s always nice to have fans. Whatever happened to dear old Liam anyway?
ALAN
He’s dead.
CRISPIN
Oh really? Sorry to hear it.
ALAN
Not your fault. Died in a car accident about ten years ago. He was drunk, I believe. Wrapped his car around a tree one night. But that’s the way things go.
CRISPIN
I suppose so. Oh well there but for the grace of God…
ALAN
Yes, he used to speak about you often. But then he started drinking and we kind of lost touch after that.
CRISPIN
How sad. You should put that into one of your plays. Not that I’m telling you how to write plays. Though one should always accept advice from those of us more experienced. Such is the way of things in the theatre. I give and you take.
ALAN
Is it? You see I had no idea.
TRISTRAM AND CRAIG ENTER. CRAIG IS YELLING OFF TO SOMEONE.
CRAIG
Then how about you stop flapping your arms around and stand still then I wouldn’t have bumped into you, you dumb prick! [BEAT] And you made me spill my drink…cunt!
TRISTRAM
I really think you should let women reclaim that word and find something a little more apt, don’t you? [TO CRISPIN] Crispin, here’s your drink.
CRISPIN
Thank you. You know…um...
TRISTRAM
Tristram?
CRISPIN
Yes. Tristram. That review I gave…
TRISTRAM
Oh yes?
CRISPIN
Yes, it’s all starting to flood back to me a bit now. On reflection I may have missed something. Not given the full reflection of my feelings towards your show.
TRISTRAM
Oh?
CRISPIN
Yes I think possibly the show could’ve worked much better with younger actors. You were good but I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe you had over-extended yourself a bit. It was very ambitious. Someone in their early thirties might have made a better fist of it. Just a thought.
TRISTRAM SMILES THEN LOOKS AT ALAN WITH MURDER IN HIS EYES
ALAN
I think the word you’re looking for is cunt?
TRISTRAM
Thanks. Alan, can I borrow your boyfriend for 5 minutes?
ALAN
You can keep him if you like.
TRISTRAM
Crispin I’d like you to meet someone.
CRISPIN
Another friend? Aren’t I spoilt? [CHECKING OUT CRAIG] Oh-la-la. Scrub that.
TRISTRAM
Crispin, this is Craig.
CRISPIN
Craig? It’s a pleasure.
CRAIG
G’day. Crispin, is it?
CRISPIN
Yes that’s right.
CRAIG
Crispin. Mmm. Bit of an unusual name, ain’t it?
CRISPIN
Is it?
CRAIG
Not your usual run of the mill moniker. Kinda like Torquil and Tristram. Bit poncy, don’t you think? Of course you probably didn’t have much of a say in it. But I’d be thinking about changing it.
CRISPIN
No you may be right. Are you here by yourself…Craig?
CRAIG
Uh... Nope. Got me boyfriend here.
CRISPIN
Oh really? And how long have you been together?
CRAIG
It feels like forever. Hey Alan? How long have we been together?
ALAN
Go fuck yourself.
CRAIG
About 8 years I think.
CRISPIN
Eight years? That’s a long time.
CRAIG
You’re telling me.
CRISPIN
Bet you must have run out of things to say to each other by now.
CRAIG
[HE TURNS TO ALAN AND CALLS OUT] Oy, loser!
ALAN
Drop dead.
CRAIG
It’s a lot more shorthand these days.
ALAN LOOKS AT THEM THEN EXITS
CRISPIN
And what does a big strapping lad like yourself do for a living?
CRAIG
I’m a carpenter.
CRISPIN
Oh yes which one? Karen or Richard? You look a little chunky for Karen.
CRAIG
What?
CRISPIN
Skip it.
CRAIG
And what do you do?
CRISPIN
Well, apart from writing a very popular theatre review for one of the gay papers...
CRAIG
Gay paper? Classic. You know, my partner’s a playwright.
CRISPIN
There you go. We have something in common already. I thought I sensed a kindred soul.
CRAIG
Maybe you should talk to him.
CRISPIN
Maybe.
CRAIG
What else?
CRISPIN
Well I have worked in musical theatre for about 20 years.
CRAIG
Fucking hell. Is everyone in the theatre gay?
CRISPIN
What makes you think I’m gay? [CRAIG LOOKS AT HIM - BEAT] Just the men…and the women stage managers. But most of them are just miserable dykes so who cares.
CRAIG
My sister’s a dyke.
CRISPIN
Oh I’m sorry.
CRAIG
Nah, that’s alright. She is miserable. Any good at it? Your musicals, I mean. Shit, I guess you must be after 20 years. Or so fucking deluded you haven’t got the brains to realise you’re crap and no-one’s had the heart to tell you.
CRISPIN
Well I like to think I’m good at it.
CRAIG
Yeah well that’s usually the first response.
CRISPIN
Actually, it might surprise you to know there was a time many years ago when I only dated women.
CRAIG
Yeah, you’re right. I would be surprised. Was there actual penetration or did you just go off road? If you know what I mean. Can’t see the attraction meself. Of course most guys straight and gay always go on about the smell of women. Don’t buy it myself. You ever smelt a 2 day unwashed foreskin? Mate, that could bring a lamb chop back to life.
CRISPIN
My, how deliciously common you are. So feisty. I love that in a person. It’s refreshing. I bet you’re a real tiger when it’s just one on one.
CRAIG
Yeah. A real tiger. Growl.
CRISPIN
You live far from here?
CRAIG
Seddon.
CRISPIN
Why, that’s almost Yarraville, isn’t it?
CRAIG
Yeah on a good day you can smell the hair gel wafting down Williamstown Road.
CRISPIN
Big house?
CRAIG
Just the 2 bedroom but it has a nice big yard.
CRISPIN
That must be nice. Wish I had a garden in town. My Docklands apartment can be very cramped sometimes.
CRAIG
At the Docklands?
CRISPIN
Yes. Did I mention I live at the Docklands? Fantastic location. Of course it’s very modest. Just a little 2 bedroom. Hardly room to swing a miniature moggie. But that’s all one really needs in the city, isn’t it?
CRAIG
I suppose.
CRISPIN
Where I really embrace the planet is at the cottage. And I do feel more human when I’m closer to nature. I think we all do, don’t you agree?
CRAIG
Cottage?
CRISPIN
Just a few hectares and a small stream. My lovely little country house. And to think it’s only 50 minutes away. You would love it.
CRAIG
Country house?
CRISPIN
Yes indeed. It was left to me by my dear mother. She passed 3 years ago.
CRAIG
Lucky bitch.
CRISPIN
Sorry?
CRAIG
Lucky to be so rich.
CRISPIN
Hardly. But I think it’s important to have property in these uncertain times. Heaven knows what financially ruinous path Rudd is going to lead us all down. At least with poor old Johnny Howard you had security. Some people would say he was a bit hard to take on certain issues but on the whole I agreed with many of his policies and there was always order. But at least I have my [SINGS] “bit of earth” to quote Secret Garden. Miles from nowhere and it really is the perfect place to unwind. In the country one can let one’s hair down. I can walk around naked as you please, crank up the latest Broadway recordings and the only creatures I’m likely to annoy will be the resident marsupials. And they’re not likely to complain are they?
CRAIG
I guess not. Poor bastards.
CRISPIN
As a matter of fact I’m heading off up there this evening after this little do.
CRAIG
Well good for you.
CRISPIN
I have a wonderful idea. It just so happens I need new book cases for my study. You do bookcases, don’t you?
CRAIG
I have done in my time.
CRISPIN
Good, then how about after I do my little speech we get out of here and you come back to my apartment and give me a quote.
CRAIG
A quote? What? Tonight?
CRISPIN
Of course. I haven’t had a good quote in years. And I bet you quote like there’s no tomorrow
CRAIG
I don’t know.
CRISPIN
I promise I’ll pay you handsomely for your time. Even just to quote. One hundred sound fair? Of course if you already have plans.
CRAIG
No, it’s not that. Like I said before, I have a partner.
CRISPIN
So? This is purely business. We’re not going to be too long. He doesn’t need to know. We’ll slip quietly out the back and be back before he even knows you’re gone. Surely he doesn’t have you on that short a leash?
CRAIG
No of course not.
CRISPIN
Then you have no excuse.
CRAIG
Oh. Well I suppose it couldn’t hurt to take a look. And I could do with the money.
CRISPIN
Tell you what. I just need to take visit the little boys room then I’ll be right back. Promise you won’t disappear.
CRAIG
I’m going nowhere.
CRISPIN
Like so many others here tonight. See you anon.
CRISPIN EXITS. CRAIG STANDS FOR A MOMENT. ALAN ENTERS.
ALAN
Hi.
CRAIG
Hi.
ALAN
Everything okay?
CRAIG
Yeah. I guess.
ALAN
I’m sorry if I sounded like a bit of a bastard before.
CRAIG
You didn’t. It’s true. I don’t pull my weight enough financially. It’s just things have been so quiet. I know you get most of the bills.
ALAN
That doesn’t bother me.
CRAIG
Well it bothers me. I should be able to support myself and have a little left over for us.
ALAN
You’re a tradie. You work when you get it. You pay the bills when you get it. I’m sorry if I said anything to embarrass you. I only told Tristram that because I was drunk. I only ever say stupid things when I’m drunk. Besides, I like having you at home most days. It’s reassuring.
CRAIG
I see.
ALAN
I’ll get you a drink?
CRAIG
It’s my turn. I’ll get you a drink.
ALAN
I’ll toss you for it.
CRAIG
Can’t we just shake hands?
HE WATCHES CRAIG EXIT. HE THEN EXITS.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS AND SCENE CHANGES TO A WASH BASIN AND BEHIND IT A CUBICLE WITH A TOILET. CRISPIN IS STANDING OVER THE TOILET TAKING A LEAK. HE FLUSHES AND EXITS. HE GOES TO THE WASH BASIN. ALAN ENTERS. CRISPIN DOES NOT SEE HIM AT FIRST.
ALAN
Hello Crispin.
CRISPIN
Hello…Alan?
ALAN
Alan. Yes.
CRISPIN
Mind the floor. It’s a bit wet. Dirty bastards around here. You think queens would be neater.
ALAN
Right.
CRISPIN
Are you having fun?
ALAN
Not really. You?
CRISPIN
In the toilet? No.
ALAN
I meant this evening.
CRISPIN
Oh. Of course.
ALAN
Must be hard.
CRISPIN
What?
ALAN
Having to be “up” all the time. Trying to be perky twenty four seven must take its toll.
CRISPIN
It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.
ALAN
Do they? I have a feeling you may be right but I just don’t understand why it has to be you.
CRISPIN
And I have a feeling you want to talk to me about something else. Look if it’s about your boyfriend…
ALAN
No, no. He’s a big lad. I trust him.
CRISPIN
Well isn’t that wonderful?
ALAN
He can have anyone. I understand that. When you’re young and attractive you should be allowed to have whatever you like. It’s your right. Fortunately if there’s one thing I do know it’s that he’ll never lie to me or cheat on me. He’s just not wired for it, you see. You and I on the other hand, we’re different. Sadly we’re typical of gay men. We know what the world is like. How it can all be so…fleeting. After years, the looks fade, the wit starts to wane and the friends start to pop their clogs. Before too long you’re alone with very little to show. There’s only so much we can do to make an impression before the sand runs out. Of course there are some who manage to prolong the illusion. Hold back the inevitable. They surround themselves with the beautiful Adonis’ out there. They buy them drinks, get them into nightclubs and take them to expensive restaurants. The boys gush after them and flap about like bees to some fading flower. But once the pollen dries up they move on to the next fading flower and suck the sap out of that. And all that’s left is a rotting bit of vegetation.
CRISPIN
Well I hardly think I’m rotting just yet.
ALAN
Maybe not on the outside.
CRISPIN
Is there some point you’re trying to make?
ALAN
I’m not sure. I’m a little drunk. Maybe I was just giving you the opportunity to tell your story.
CRISPIN
Story?
ALAN
You know. Give your version of the way you see things.
CRISPIN
To you? I don’t think we know enough about each other…
ALAN
You’re wrong. I know plenty about you. Not just the stuff I read in the papers about all the fab parties and openings and how you met such and such and how they respected you. Most of it written by yourself of course. I would love to know how it all came about. Did the delusion that you were important build up over the years or did a switch just flick on one night? How is it that you got to the point where you thought anything you had to say or put to paper was worth anything to anyone? You’ve managed to raise your profile in an area that really is as useful as tits on a bull. Surrounding yourself with all those gushing sycophants who clap and applaud your every bowel movement but laugh behind your back and tell the best stories about you. No. I know what a truly awful person you are. You may have many fooled otherwise. Who knows? You may even have me fooled…but I don’t think so. I never told you, well that’s because we hardly know each other, but I do know your back story a bit better than most. In fact I think it’s safe to say I know all about you.
CRISPIN
And what exactly do you know?
ALAN
Well for start I know your real name.
CRISPIN
Well this is turning into an after school special. Anyone with half a brain and a telephone could have told you that.
HE STARTS TO EXIT
ALAN
I also know about you and Liam Buggy.
CRISPIN STOPS
CRISPIN
What?
ALAN
Yes I know that on your last night at school you attacked him.
CRISPIN
I what?
ALAN
Attacked and raped him.
CRISPIN
What in fucking hell kind of person do think I…
ALAN
There’s no point denying it. I know you got him drunk and fucked him behind the school shed.
CRISPIN
I did nothing of the sort.
ALAN
You don’t have to worry.
CRISPIN
I don’t?
ALAN
No. I haven’t got any proof or anything.
CRISPIN
Nor will you ever get any. And if I may make a suggestion? You’d be wise to keep silent about that vile, vicious story if you know what’s good for you. If you tell anybody…
ALAN
Yes it’s kind of hard to prove something when the main witness is a jar of ashes.
CRISPIN
How do you know he wasn’t making it up? He could have just been saying that to make himself more interesting.
ALAN
Because I knew him!
CRISPIN
Well aren’t you the lucky one? You know, it’s been my experience that we don’t really know anything about anyone. Just what we’d like or want to know.
ALAN
I watched him turn from a beautiful person with a huge heart into this brooding sad young man who drank every night, shoved anything and everything up his arms and cried for months at the very mention of your name. And yet he still took some kind of weird pride at his pathetic connection to you. I know you hurt him so badly he wouldn’t let anyone near him for five years, he was so embarrassed. He couldn’t tell anybody because they wouldn’t believe his word against one of the popular boys at school. He was sixteen years old!
CRISPIN
And how is it you know all this?
ALAN
I know because he told me! Two weeks before he deliberately drove his car into a fucking tree! I know because he was my boyfriend!
CRISPIN
That’s from Young Frankenstein, isn’t it? Saw it in New York.
ALAN
Who gives a fuck! I’d love to smash your face in right now.
CRISPIN
Really? That’s a bit theatrical. Don’t you think?
ALAN
You’re just so typical of everything I hate in this world. Overblown queens who set themselves up in some position no-one wanted anyway, give themselves a title, look down on everyone else and then have the gall to speak as some kind of authority. You think what you do is important? It’s not. It’s a fantasy world filled with the marginally talented who, one minute might be featured in some small role in something big and six months down the track it’s student films before the inevitable video camera in someone’s garage. Well here comes the big new flash for you. Musical theatre is not important! Curing cancer…that’s important. Up against prostate cancer Billy Elliott doesn’t even rate!
CRISPIN
I see.
ALAN
No. No I don’t think you do. You hurt too many people and you rarely see the damage you cause. You’re a horrible person!
CRISPIN
And what would you have me do?
ALAN
I don’t know. Fade away. Bow out graciously. How about that?
[PAUSE]
CRISPIN
You’re right.
ALAN
What?
CRISPIN
I said you’re absolutely right. I have been wasting my life, wrapping my whole existence around fluffery and its given me very little in return. I may have fun friends and handsome boys hanging off my every word but I still go home alone. I still have an out of control mortgage and I’m on the Dead Zone side of forty so why do I do it to myself? You know, not a day goes by when I don’t think abut Liam and what I did to him. I was drunk but it was inexcusable. I hurt him so much. I know it. It would’ve been better if he had gone to the police. I might have been able to take my life in a different direction. Done something positive with it. What do I do now?
ALAN
I don’t know.
CRISPIN
I need to change.
ALAN
That’s right.
CRISPIN
I need to get rid of all of it before my life falls into one gigantic gaping hole of vacuousness.
ALAN
Really?
CRISPIN
Of course not you fucking idiot!
ALAN
What?
CRISPIN
I’d love to oblige you if only to shut you up but guess what? I’m not going to. You see I’m not like you. I love my life. Unlike yourself I’ve actually made something of it. And Liam Buggy was just a waste of space. He acted like a wimp and it was his choice. I’m just surprised he waited so long.
ALAN
You mother fucking arsehole!
ALAN GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT AND TRIES TO STRANGLE HIM.
CRISPIN
Take your hands of me! Filthy little nobody. I’ll have you arrested. Who do you think you’re dealing with!?
THEY STRUGGLE FURTHER. ALAN DRAGS HIM TOWARDS THE TOILET AND PUSHES HIS HEAD INTO IT AND TRIES TO DROWN HIM. CRISPIN STRUGGLES THEN STOPS. ALAN LETS HIM GO AND SINKS TO THE FLOOR BY THE SIDE OF THE STALL. CRISPIN PULLS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE TOILET. HE GASPS FOR AIR. HE IS ALL WET.
CRISPIN
You bastard! You fucking hideous little creature! Look at you. Pathetic. I knew you didn’t have the junk to do it. You’re like all the rest. You’re nothing. You haven’t made an imprint on anything and bitter with those that do. I really pity people like you. Self righteous queens indeed. If you were the best that Liam could get then he’s better off dead!
HE GOES TO PICK UP HIS JACKET, SLIPS AND FALLS HEAD FIRST INTO THE TOILET AGAIN.
BLACKOUT THEN LIGHTS UP SLOWLY
THIS TIME HE DOES NOT MOVE. AFTER A MOMENT ALAN LOOKS AROUND THE CORNER OF THE STALL AND SEES CRISPIN WITH HIS HEAD STILL IN THE TOILET. HE GETS UP AND LOOKS AT HIM.
ALAN
Oh dear.
AT THAT POINT TRISTRAM WALKS IN. ALAN LOOKS SLOWLY AT TRISTRAM. TRISTRAM SEES CRISPIN’S LEGS STICKING OUT OF THE STALL. HE GOES OVER AND LOOKS AT HIM THEN AT ALAN WHO IS BACKING TOWARDS THE DOOR.
ALAN
He fell.
TRISTRAM
Did he? Yes it would appear so.
ALAN
Yes, the floor is very slippery.
TRISTRAM
I can see that.
PAUSE
TRISTRAM
We really should get some help.
ALAN
Yes we should.
PAUSE
TRISTRAM
You’ve had a busy night. Want to go get a pizza?
ALAN
Yes please.
PAUSE. TRISTRAM WALKS OVER TO CRISPIN’S BODY.
TRISTRAM
Now that’s a happy ending.
HE PRESSES THE FLUSH BUTTON
Turn that in a fucking show tune!
THEY EXIT. LIGHTS FADE.
BLACKOUT
Act Three
VOICE OVERS
VOICE 3
How tame was that? Where’s the blood and guts?
VOICE 1
Yes, very ordinary.
VOICE 2
How violent does it need to be?
VOICE 5
Very.
VOICE 4
Give me severed limbs.
VOICE 3
Honestly I don’t know why I am seeing you.
VOICE 1
Yes. Give us some gore. Entrails.
VOICE 3
You want blood?
VOICE 5
It doesn’t seem too much to ask. He is a dreadful person.
VOICE 2
Hey we’re not getting scores out of this.
VOICE 4
You know this reminds me a little of Canterbury Tales.
VOICE 5
There he goes again. Classic education and he’s still a boring fuck
VOICE 4
Thanks very much.
VOICE 5
Let’s get back to something sexy like before.
VOICE 1
Yes, it’s that time of night. Something sexy please.
VOICE 3
With blood as well?
VOICE 4
Yes please.
VOICE 3
Very well.
LIGHTS COME UP ON CRISPIN DRAPED ACROSS A CHEZ LOUNGE
VOICE 1
Ugh. Not what I had in mind.
VOICE 3
Shut up.
THERE IS A SMALL DRINKS TABLE NEXT TO IT. CRISPIN WEARS A FAIRLY THEATRICAL DRESSING GOWN. HE IS MIMING TO SOME OBSCURE MUSICAL NUMBER. SOME SAD SONG. DURING THIS HE CHANGES POSITION SEVERAL TIMES TRYING TO FIND THE BEST POSITION TO LOOK ALLURING TO HIS SOON-TO-ARRIVE GUEST. HE PULLS THE DRESSING GOWN DOWN FROM ONE SIDE OF HIS SHOULDERS AND LOOKS OFF TO SOME MIRROR. HE POUTS AND PRIMS. HE STARTS TO BECOME IRRITATED AT THE SONG PLAYING AND LOOKS AROUND. HE BECOMES INCREASINGLY AGITATED THEN LIFTS HIS BODY AND RETRIEVES THE REMOTE FROM UNDER HIS ARSE WHICH HE PULLS OUT WITH SOME EFFORT.
HE SWITCHES THE TRACK, HATES IT THEN ANOTHER, GRIMACING EACH TIME. HE DOES THIS SEVERAL TIMES THEN FINALLY SETTLES ON A QUIET TRACK HE LIKES THEN RESUMES. HE FROWNS THEN PULLS A SMALL COMPACT OUT FROM UNDER THE DRINKS TABLE. HE TOUCHES UP HIS FACE, A LITTLE TOO MUCH THEN DABS HIS CROTCH UNDER HIS DRESSING GOWN AS WELL.
THERE IS A DOORBELL MUSICAL OF “I LIKE TO BE IN AMERICA” FROM WEST SIDE STORY AS HIS DOORBELL SOUND.
CRISPIN
Lovely. [BIG BELLOWING VOICE] Entrée!
THERE IS A PAUSE THEN DOOR BELL MUSIC GOES AGAIN
Entrée!!
BANGING ON THE DOOR
Come in!!!
A MOMENT’S PAUSE THEN BRETT, A YOUNG PROSTITUTE ENTERS. HE LOOKS AT CRISPIN WHO IS ONCE MORE TRYING TO LOOK ENTICING.
BRETT
Are youse Crispy?
CRISPIN
You.
BRETT
You what?
CRISPIN
No. Are you Crispy?
BRETT
What?
CRISPIN
“Are you Crispy?”
BRETT
Yeah, that’s what I said. Are youse Crispy?
CRISPIN
No.
BRETT
No? Fuck, don’t tell me I got the address wrong again. That’s twice this week.
CRISPIN
No. You have the correct address. You have the wrong name.
BRETT
Okay. Then where’s Crispy?
CRISPIN
There is no Crispy.
BRETT
No?
CRISPIN
No. There is a Crispin.
BRETT
Oh right. Crispin. Are you him?
CRISPIN
Yes.
BRETT
Then why didn’t you say so when I asked?
CRISPIN
Because you were asking for a Crispy. I thought it was some kind of street slang.
BRETT
No street slang I know.
CRISPIN
Very well. And you are?
BRETT
I’m what?
CRISPIN
What shall I call you? I assume you have a name.
BRETT
Yeah.
CRISPIN
It’s like pulling teeth here.
BRETT
Are you a dentist?
CRISPIN
No I was saying…forget it. What is your name?
BRETT
Oh. Brett.
CRISPIN
That’s a very unusual name. O’Brett. Is it Irish?
BRETT
I was born in Laverton.
CRISPIN
Of course you were. I thought I detected an accent.
BRETT
Look are we gonna get down to it or are we playing 20 questions instead?
CRISPIN
My, we’re an eager beaver aren’t we?
BRETT
Eager? Yeah right.
CRISPIN
I’ve got you for the hour yes?
BRETT
Yeah.
CRISPIN
Then perhaps we should take time to get to know each other.
BRETT
If you think that’s gonna make you come any quicker…
CRISPIN
And what do you do when you’re not entertaining gentleman in their apartments?
BRETT
It’s not always apartments.
CRISPIN
Of course not.
BRETT
Sometimes I go out to the suburbs. I do in and out.
CRISPIN
Well it’s nice to multi task.
BRETT
I mean I come to your door or you come to mine.
CRISPIN
I know. I was kidding.
BRETT
Right.
CRISPIN
And this is all you do?
BRETT
Pretty much. Good money. Pays the bills.
CRISPIN
Nice to hear.
BRETT
Fuck, you sure have a great view.
CRISPIN
Don’t I and my bank manager know it.
BRETT
Twenty floors up eh? Very cushy.
CRISPIN
Twenty five if you count the underground car park…and I do. Of course if this sodding recession gets any worse that car park could be my next address.
BRETT
Can you get out onto the balcony?
CRISPIN
You can but I’d rather you didn’t. It’s not very safe.
BRETT
No worries. So this is the Docklands? First time I’ve been here. Pretty cool.
CRISPIN
The only thing that would complete it is a large Ferris wheel burning to the ground taking a bus load of Bogans with it. I have my fingers crossed. Still as far as locations go there are worse places I could live.
BRETT
Fuck, that’s for sure. Is that the Yarra?
CRISPIN
Sure is.
BRETT
Bit brown. Looks like shit.
CRISPIN
I think it would look like shit from all angles. Still Melbournians are very attached to shit. How else would Sam Newman keep getting work? So what happened to Daniel?
BRETT
Who?
CRISPIN
Daniel? The boy they usually send over. I understood we had a standing arrangement but your agency was very vague on his whereabouts.
BRETT
Oh?
CRISPIN
I was a little apprehensive when they told me they were sending over someone else. I’m a creature of habit, you see. So, what happened to him?
BRETT
He’s in gaol…um...Jailton. Small town out west. Gone to see his olds for a few months.
CRISPIN
Pity. He was very appetising.
BRETT
Was he?
CRISPIN
Yes. But I must say you’re pleasant surprise and I do like surprises.
BRETT
So I see.
CRISPIN
So why not make yourself comfortable? Sit. Do.
BRETT
Thanks.
CRISPIN
Would you care for a drink?
BRETT
Not really.
CRISPIN
A tea-totaller eh? Well done. Good for you. So unusual for someone so young.
BRETT
I’m not that young. I just have another job straight after this and he’s a reformed alky so I try not to put temptation in his way. Otherwise he turns a total spazz. You know?
CRISPIN
I understand. A very considerate gesture.
BRETT
Like to keep my punters happy.
CRISPIN
And a happy punter is a regular punter, right?
BRETT
Right. Nice place.
CRISPIN
Thank you kind sir.
BRETT
You got a boyfriend or partner or whatever?
CRISPIN
Darling I haven’t had a whatever in about 3 years. Found the last one in the chorus of Into the Woods. Or maybe it was just in the woods. Boyfriends, per se, do not agree with me. They all find some reason to leave. Last one was obsessed with the internet. I suppose I should have paid more attention. I used to hear him in the computer room screaming “Die, you fucker. Die!” I thought he was playing Warcraft until I came in and he was just holding a photo of me. I knew our time was up.
BRETT
Oh I love Warcraft. Have you got it here?
CRISPIN
I threw it out. Why don’t you come away from the window? It does make one a little nervous.
BRETT
Okay.
CRISPIN
Come sit by me.
HE PATS THE CHEZ NEXT TO HIM. BRETT SITS DOWN.
BRETT
Nice couch.
CRISPIN
It’s a chez lounge.
BRETT
A what?
CRISPIN
Chez lounge. [BEAT] It means “nice couch.” Are you comfortable?
BRETT
Oh yeah.
CRISPIN
Now you still haven’t told me O’Brett… What do you do when you’re not doing this sort of thing?
BRETT
Oh I play music and stuff.
CRISPIN
And what “stuff” would that be?
BRETT
Guitar.
CRISPIN
Guitar? How rustic.
BRETT
Yeah, me and a few of me mates are gonna start a band soon.
CRISPIN
And are they all working boys?
BRETT
Nah. They don’t even know I do this stuff.
CRISPIN
And you’re not going to tell them?
BRETT
No way. Just getting enough money to get me a better guitar then I’ll pack it in for a while.
BRETT LEANS IN TOWARDS HIM AND LOOKS AT HIM CLOSELY.
CRISPIN
Yes?
BRETT
Are you wearing makeup?
CRISPIN
[NERVOUSLY] No.
BRETT
Oh okay. So what do you do?
CRISPIN
Well I do a little freelance writing.
BRETT
Cool.
CRISPIN
It may also surprise you to know that I work in the musical theatre.
BRETT
You’re right. It would surprise me.
CRISPIN
Why is that?
BRETT
Because I don’t know what it is.
CRISPIN
Oh. Well it’s big stage shows. Lots of lighting, costumes, hundreds of people, lots of songs and an orchestra. It can be such a wonderful place. You’ve never been to a musical?
BRETT
Nope.
CRISPIN
Oh darling how you must have suffered. I can only imagine what sort of upbringing you must’ve had.
BRETT
It wasn’t that bad.
CRISPIN
I can tell you its life affirming. No matter how lousy your day is I guarantee once you walk into a musical like Phantom, Call Me Madam or La Cage your spirits will lift. Even the grimmest shows, and there are few, trust me, the ones that could make you want to slit your wrists – Evita, Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, and of course anything Australian. All real downers. But no matter how bad you feel, a big show will wrap you like a warm blanket.
BRETT
Sounds nice.
CRISPIN
And yet do you think this terrible government understands how important it is to have musicals? Do they hell! They pour all the cash they can find down the back of the couch into dreadful car races and footy thingys but ask them to put money in a newly workshopped Sondheim and they rattle the tin cup and it’s Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. It’s a national disgrace.
BRETT
Boy you sure get worked up.
CRISPIN
Someone needs to be passionate. I see all my friends out there, out of work, walking the streets, waiting on tables, abusing customers in call centres and just barely satisfying their artistic bent singing Herman or Kander and Ebb tunes around the out-of-key piano at any dingy old show bar that’ll have them. I mean some of these poor bastards haven’t worked in years. It’s heartbreaking. But it’s not just the seasoned performers either. You can’t throw a stick in a restaurant without hitting a WAAPA grad wanting to show you to your table. There’s your Stolen Generation right there. Where’s our apology? This country should hang its head in shame.
BRETT
Look I don’t want to rush you or anything but maybe we should get on with it.
CRISPIN
Daniel didn’t mind the waiting. As a matter of fact he preferred it.
BRETT
I’ll bet he did. Look, I’m not Daniel.
CRISPIN
Clearly.
BRETT
So what do you like to do then?
CRISPIN PULLS SOME SHORT ROPES OUT OF HIS POCKET
Oh, so that’s what you’re into, is it?
CRISPIN
Let’s just say I have certain…tastes.
CRISPIN TAKES ONE PIECE OF ROPE AND TIES HIS ANKLES TOGETHER. HE INDICATES THAT HE WANTS BRETT TO BIND HIS WRISTS
BRETT
So I see.
BRETT TAKES ONE OF THE ROPES AND STARTS BINDING CRISPIN’S WRISTS TOGETHER
CRISPIN
Faint heart never won fair lady…or whatever that phrase is.
BRETT
What?
CRISPIN
Skip it.
CRISPIN STARTS HUMMING “SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER”
BRETT
Tight enough?
CRISPIN
Oh yes. I shan’t be able to move. What a dilemma.
BRETT
Now what?
CRISPIN
Now I lie here like this…
HE FLIPS OVER ONTO HIS BELLY.
Pull my gown up just a little. Enough to just expose my beautiful arse.
BRETT
Like this?
BRETT LIFTS HIS ROBE UP A LITTLE TO EXPOSE CRISPIN’S BUTTOCKS
CRISPIN
That’s right. Now take your shirt off. [BRETT DOES] Very nice. Now you pretend you’ve just stumbled across me in some boudoir. I think you’re here to rescue me but when you see my deliciously Ruebenesque figure you can’t resist having your wicked [SINGS ‘NO-ONE MOURNS THE WICKED’ – FROM WICKED] way with me.
BRETT
So, what do we have here?
CRISPIN
Tougher voice.
BRETT
So, what do we have here?
CRISPIN
Yes. That better. Oh if you will but help me kind sir. A rogue and villain had captured me and had his way with me. You missed him but moments ago. What luck for now I see you have come to my rescue. How awful to be caught in this position. I am so vulnerable. Anyone could take advantage of me. Why do you look at me like that?
BRETT
Like what?
CRISPIN
Like that. With evil intent in your eyes.
BRETT
What? Oh right. Um…I can see I’m gonna have to get tough with you.
CRISPIN
Yes please.
BRETT
I’m your worst fucking nightmare.
CRISPIN
Try not to swear.
BRETT
Okay. Now what?
CRISPIN
What are you doing with that rope? You’re not going to beat me with it, are you? Oh you villain.
BRETT GIVES A SHRUG AND HITS CRISPIN ACROSS THE BUTTOCKS WITH THE ROPE
Oh you monster! Oh you beast! For none shall ever love the beast.
BRETT
What?
CRISPIN
Keep doing it.
BRETT
Right.
HE CONTINUES TO BEAT CRISPIN. IN BETWEEN MOANS CRISPIN STARTS TO SING “TONIGHT, TONIGHT” FROM WEST SIDE STORY PLUS SNIPPETS FROM OTHER SHOWS. BRETT IS PUZZLED. AFTER A WHILE BRETT STOPS
CRISPIN
Why are you stopping?
BRETT
Because I’m fucking tired, okay?
CRISPIN
I’m not paying for “tired.” And here I was thinking I was dealing with a professional. I had no idea this evening was going to be such a big zero. The story of my life. Surrounded by amateurs.
BRETT
Well I’ve never had any complaints before today.
CRISPIN
Maybe you’re clients are too polite.
BRETT
Of course not.
CRISPIN
You’ll forgive me if I beg to differ.
BRETT
Maybe being on the 20th floor…
CRISPIN
25th.
BRETT
Maybe up here the oxygen’s a bit thin. Maybe you have no idea how weird you are.
CRISPIN
I’m not paying to be insulted.
BRETT
Think of it as part of the service. Living up here in your nice flat you don’t know what goes on in the real world. How hard it is for some of us.
CRISPIN
Thank you but I’m not paying for a Sadie Sobstory either. If I want to wallow in misery I’ll put on the original cast of Seven Little Australians. Not for all the right reasons either, thank you very much. I hope you’re not this brusque with all your other clients? If I can impart one bit of wisdom in my brief time with you people always get their come-uppance. That reminds me. I was in this production of The Wizard of Oz ten years ago. The producer was a real tight-arse so of course it was all done on the cheap. Cheap sets, manky cossies. It was an absolute abortion…with a prolapse chaser. You pay peanuts you get chimps. Speaking of flying monkeys the slapper playing Dorothy was one of those prima-donnas from the telly with little talent to back it up. Apparently she was screwing the producer. The business is full of them. This one got up everyone’s nose. Had everyone in a tizz. Even the dog was stressed. Started losing his hair. Then one matinee he took a dump in her ruby slippers. Little Sally Starfucker had to squelch her way all through act one, stinking up the stage and swatting off flies. It was brilliant. We called it Toto’s revenge. After that she quietened down.
BRETT
Will you stop talking about fucking musicals?! I really don’t care. Why is it everyone wants to keep talking? All the fucking time. And some of the most boring shit.
CRISPIN
If that’s the way you feel…
BRETT
Yeah it is. You’re so fucking typical of every gay guy I’ve met. You just don’t know when to shut up, do you?
CRISPIN
Well, if you don’t want the money you just have to say so.
BRETT
Not if it means having to listen to this bollocks. I might have to work harder for the next couple of clients but at least I won’t have to listen to this. I would really love to smack you around a bit.
CRISPIN
I see.
BRETT
If I’d known what a fuck up this one was gonna be…
CRISPIN
Perhaps you could untie me.
BRETT
What?
CRISPIN
If you could untie me? These ropes are a little tight.
BRETT
Are they?
CRISPIN
Perhaps you could just loosen them a little?
BRETT
Oh you can take it. Big strapping boy like you.
CRISPIN
I’m serious. Loosen the ropes. I think they’re cutting off the circulation.
BRETT
In a minute. There’s no rush is there? I thought you wanted to enjoy yourself.
CRISPIN
But this is hurting.
BRETT
Oh course it’s hurting. It’s supposed to. Otherwise what’s the point of doing it? You gotta get a little pain to go with the pleasure.
CRISPIN
Just take the ropes off me now you little thug! I’m not playing around anymore.
BRETT
Is that the way you work? You can dish it out but you can’t take it? I’m supposed to stop just because you say so? I don’t think so. Isn’t this what you like? A bit of rough?
CRISPIN
Not like this.
BRETT
Yeah well that’s the way it is. You want rough. I’ll give you rough. You want pain. I can give you all you need.
HE DRAGS HIM OFF THE LOUNGE. CRISPIN FALLS TO THE FLOOR. BRETT WRAPS THE ROPE AROUND HIS NECK.
Is this rough enough for you?
CRISPIN
What are you doing?
BRETT
God and to think you’re supposed to be clever. Don’t worry? It’s just a little play acting. That’s you thing, isn’t it? Pretendies? Let’s pretend you might come out of this alright.
CRISPIN
What are you talking about? Take your hands off me you filthy little peasant. Who do you think you are? Boy George?
BRETT
Peasant? Maybe. Trust you to lord it over me. Fuck I hate your type. Piss elegant fairies thinking they’re better than everyone else. The trouble with you is you just don’t realise what a joke you are, do you? You think living up here and knowing all your clever theatre crap gives you the right to pour shit on everyone else? You think you can use people like that?
CRISPIN
Yes I do.
BRETT
What?
CRISPIN
I said yes I do. I also don’t need to be lectured by the likes of you.
BRETT
Likes of me?
CRISPIN
What could you possible have to teach me? Go strum your little guitar and sing your sad song to somewhat who gives a shit. I got away from the likes of you years ago. Always taunting me at school. Bogan meatheads and thugs with cretins for parents. I crossed the Yarra years ago sweetheart, made something of my life and now I get the immense pleasure in pissing all over your type from a great height. Where do you get off thinking you can treat your betters this way? You use people to get what you need. I do exactly the same only I’m better at it.
BRETT
Really?
CRISPIN
Go away little man. Get out of my gorgeous Docklands apartment before you bore me to death.
BRETT
Anyone ever told you you’re are a cunt?
CRISPIN
Plenty. I wear it like a badge. At least I’m making an impression for people to love or hate me. You?
BRETT
I see. [HE TAKES A SMALL KNIFE OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET AND RUNS IT ACROSS CRISPIN’S CHEEK] You know what this is?
CRISPIN
A bad stage prop? I have a few of those in my drawer. You don’t scare me.
BRETT
Maybe not yet. We’ll leave that for your final act.
HE STARTS TO STRANGLE CRISPIN WHO STRUGGLES TRYING TO FREE HIMSELF. HE START BEGGING AND CRYING
That’s not the words I want to hear. You talk all the time. Let’s see if you come up with the right words Mr Big Theatre person. Mr Talk Till You Blue in the face. Let’s see how blue you can get.
TRISTRAM ENTERS AND STANDS AT THE BACK
TRISTRAM
What’s going here?
CRISPIN
Oh my, oh please help me.
BRETT
For fucks sake!
BRETT STABS CRISPIN IN THE BACK. HE YELPS. BRETT DROPS THE KNIFE AND IS ABOUT TO RUSH PAST TRISTRAM BUT STOPS. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. TRISTRAM PULLS OUT A HUNDRED DOLLAR NOTE AND HOLDS IT UP. BRETT LOOKS AT IT FOR A MOMENT AND REALISES TRISTRAM IS PAYING HIM TO GET OUT. HE GRABS THE MONEY AND RUNS OUT.
CRISPIN
Oh dear, oh dear. What’s happened?
TRISTRAM
Don’t worry. You’re alright now.
CRISPIN
Am I?
HE UNTIES HIM AND SITS HIM UP.
TRISTRAM
Hold still. There’s a little bit of blood but it’s not deep.
CRISPIN
Oh please don’t let there be a scar. I couldn’t bear a scar.
TRISTRAM
You should be fine. Hang on. I need to get a towel.
CRISPIN
He tried to strangle me.
TRISTRAM
Yes.
CRISPIN
Then he stabbed me. I think he was trying to kill me.
TRISTRAM
You may be right. Do you want me to call the police?
CRISPIN
No don’t do that.
TRISTRAM
Why not?
CRISPIN
I don’t want to have to explain what he was doing here. My partner wouldn’t understand. He’s in Europe at the moment, you see, and I’d rather he didn’t know.
TRISTRAM
Who was he?
CRISPIN
Who? Oh, no-one important. Just some rent boy. Could you grab me a cloth? It feels a little wet on my back.
TRISTRAM
Of course
CRISPIN
Just grab something from the kitchen.
TRISTRAM
Sure.
TRISTRAM RUNS OFF AND COMES BACK A MOMENT LATER HOLDING A TEA TOWEL.
Is this okay?
CRISPIN
What? Yes of course.
TRISTRAM
Hold still.
TRISTRAM PUTS THE TEA TOWEL ON CRISPIN’S BACK.
CRISPIN
How is it you’re here?
TRISTRAM
What? Oh I was just wanted to talk to you about that review.
CRISPIN
Well that’s an amazing coincidence.
TRISTRAM
I suppose so.
CRISPIN
And so lucky for me. If you’d been a few seconds later I’d be dead.
TRISTRAM
Maybe. Now about that review…
CRISPIN
Darling, do you mind if we don’t talk about that now? I’ve had a bit of an evening
TRISTRAM
I know that. It’s just…
CRISPIN
Besides there’s nothing you can do about it now. It’s out there. On public record. And I still stand by it.
TRISTRAM
I thought you’d say that.
CRISPIN
No hard feelings, darling?
TRISTRAM
Not at all.
TRISTRAM STICKS THE KNIFE INTO CRISPIN’S BACK. CRISPIN STARES AT HIM, SHOCKED.
TRISTRAM
This may come as a big shock but I never did care for that review you gave. And I’ve always loathed you. Stupid fat fuck.
HE PULLS THE KNIFE OUT AND CRISPIN STARTS TO SINK. TRISTRAM CRADLES HIM DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND WRAPS HIM IN HIS ARMS.
That’s right. You go to sleep now. Nothing to be afraid of. You look out there. Enjoy the view. Sing your favourite song. I always liked Somewhere. From West Side Story. I’ll sing it, shall I? You won’t mind this once. Indulge me if you can. I know I don’t have the best voice. And of course I may be a little old…
TRISTRAM STARTS TO HUM THE SONG AS CRISPIN’S EYES START TO FLICKER AND EVENTUALLY CLOSE. TRISTRAM LOOKS AT HIM.
You know. I was right. You do smell like Old Spice and old dick.
HE GIVES A SMALL LAUGH. HE GETS UP, TURNS, TRIPS OVER HIS FEET AND LANDS ON THE KNIFE. HE LIES STILL.
THE LIGHTS FADE
Blackout
THERE IS A LONG PAUSE
VOICE 5
That was it?
VOICE 3
Yep.
VOICE 2
Well that was just beautiful.
VOICE 1
Kind of….
VOICE 5
Wistful?
VOICE 4
A little too depressing.
VOICE 3
Yes well, that’s fantasy for you.
VOICE 4
Her stories always end like that.
VOICE 2
I’ve noticed that.
LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY ON THE 4 MEN IN SILHOUETTE AGAIN AND A SMALL LIGHT ON CRISPIN’S BODY
VOICE 5
Still not sexy enough and not enough cock.
VOICE 4
My feelings exactly.
VOICE 1
I think we’ve had more than enough fun don’t you?
VOICE 3
And thus we come to the end to a gorgeous evening. Thanks so much. Good food and great conversation.
VOICE 4
As always.
VOICE 1
Thank you for coming.
VOICE 5
Thank you for having us.
VOICE 2
And believe me you were had.
VOICE 4
You know I don’t think it would be too hard to set up something like that.
VOICE 5
Really?
VOICE 4
There’s always someone with a grudge.
VOICE 1
Okay darlings. Let it go.
VOICE 5
That’s true. I should think they’d be lining up to take her out.
VOICE 4
I think you may be right.
VOICE 3
It’s a terrible thing wanting to have someone dead.
VOICE 4
Maybe.
VOICE 1
Is it? There are plenty of monsters out there.
VOICE 3
It’s never going to happen you know.
VOICE 4
[SIGH] I know.
LIGHTS FADE ON ALL BUT CRISPIN
Lovely thought though.
VOICE 5
Yes. Lovely
END