The Gathering Of
Vampires
By Steven Dawson
Characters.
Phillip
Danny
Barry
Dougie
Alan
Colin
Gerald
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NSW, Australia, 2021
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First
Performance
Sept 14th, 1995
Stables Theatre, Sydney Australia
Cast As Follows
Phillip Tom Healey
Danny Gerard Carroll
Barry Phillip Scott
Dougie Hugh
Munro
Alan John Mulock
Colin Evan Higgins
Gerald Martin
Reefman
Directed by Alex Galeazzi
Produced by Christopher Hewitt
Set & Costume Design by Sue
Field
Lighting Design by Shane Stevens
Sound Design by Nigel Ubrihien
Choreography by Graham McKane
Production Manager Jansson Antmann
Ast. Stage
Manager/Operator Heidi Postle
Original workshops of this play
were held by Wingandaprayer Productions and The Griffin Theatre Company with
the following actors: Tom Healey, Fred
Whitlock, James Benedict, Iain Murton, Phillip Parslowe, Jon Finlayson, Peter
Edmonds, Paul Hunt, Andrew McFarlane, Keith Robinson, Robert Davis, Phillip
Hyde, David Brown and Damien Rice. The workshops were co-ordinated by Alex Galeazzi.
The Gathering Of
Vampires. © Copyright August 1995. Steven Dawson
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
LIGHTS COME UP ON FOREST CLEARING TOWARDS EARLY EVENING. PHILLIP IS
BENT OVER TRYING TO CATCH HIS BREATH AFTER A LONG HIKE. HE STANDS UP AND LOOKS
AROUND. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH THEN COUGHS VIOLENTLY. HE GRABS A HANKY FROM HIS
BACK POCKET AND COVERS HIS FACE.
PHILLIP
Love that fucking pollen count. Someone shoot me now. Oh fuck. I’m bushed.
COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING HE TAKES OFF HIS BACKPACK AND THROWS IT TO THE
GROUND.
Oh shit!
HE GRABS THE BACKPACK AND TAKES A SMALL CANISTER OUT OF IT, WHICH HAS
COME UNSEALED.
Oh bugger.
HE SCRAPES SOME ASHES OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE BACKPACK AND TRIES TO
PUT THEM BACK IN THE CANISTER.
Well, there go all those karma credits.
HE RE-SEALS THE CANISTER AND WIPES HIS HANDS ON THE BACK OF HIS TROUSERS.
Okay girlfriend. Take a good look. I remember how much you liked this place. Remember the first time we came here? The whole lot of us. Jesus, what a time.
MUSIC: "Go West" by the Pet Shop Boys. THE LIGHTING CHANGES TO LATE AFTERNOON. DANNY
ENTERS CARRYING A GHETTO BLASTER PUMPING OUT THE MUSIC AND TWO BACK PACKS. HE
SWITCHES OFF THE MUSIC AND LOOKS AT PHILLIP THEN THROWS ONE OF THE BACK PACKS
AT PHILLIP'S FEET.
DANNY
Here, bitch. Carry your own hatboxes. [LOOKS AROUND] Well, this is a peach.
BARRY ENTERS, ALSO CARRYING A BACK PACK. HE LOOKS AT THE OTHER TWO AND
THEN LOOKS AROUND.
BARRY
Thank fucking Christ for that. If I hear that song once more I’m gonna shove that thing fair up your arse!
HE STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND.
BARRY
Fabulous. I can just see it now.
PHILLIP
See what?
BARRY
Seven fat queens being winched out of a ravine by police helicopter.
DANNY
They'll be carrying you out on a mule. [TO PHILLIP] Is this it? Is this where we're stopping?
PHILLIP
I guess.
DANNY
Oh, happy, happy, joy, joy.
BARRY
Don't rush things. We've got all weekend to hate it.
DANNY
I didn't say I hate it.
BARRY
Whatever.
THEY GLARE AT EACH OTHER. ALAN & COLIN ENTER. THEY LOOK AROUND.
ALAN
Are we stopping here?
PHILLIP
Well, it's the only place without kangaroo crap, so I guess it'll do.
ALAN
It looks nice. What do you think?
COLIN
Yeah, it’s great.
DOUGIE ENTERS WEARING A COLOURFUL BACKPACK AND A MATCHING OUTFIT. HE
STOPS, LOWERS HIS SUNGLASSES AND LOOKS AROUND. HE TURNS AND STARTS TO WALK OFF.
DANNY & PHILLIP GRAB HIM AND DRAG HIM BACK.
DOUGIE
I'm not doing this. I don't want this. Whose fucking idea was it, anyway? I don't see a single power point. What am I gonna run my hair dryer on? Cosmic vibrations?
DANNY
Settle.
DOUGIE STOPS AND LOOKS AT HIM.
DOUGIE
I hate that expression. I hate you.
DANNY
Of course you do. [TO THE OTHERS] I say we kill her now.
DOUGIE
You know, I saw a motel about fifty kilometres back. We could all go there.
BARRY
We're staying here, Dorothy. The purpose of this weekend is to get back to nature, remember?
DOUGIE
And I love nature. As long as I can see it from my motel balcony.
DANNY
Oh, shut up. Just make the best of it. Like you've done with your looks.
DOUGIE
Are you sure you want to get back to nature? I mean, after all it's done to you.
DANNY
That's hysterical, Dorothy. Has anyone ever told you you're funny?
DOUGIE
Often.
DANNY
They lied. You're a pig!
PHILLIP
We better set up the tents. It'll be getting dark soon.
BARRY
Sounds like a line from one of those Friday The 13th movies. Are we anywhere near Camp Blood?
DOUGIE
Just my luck. I'm gonna be chased through the bush by an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
PHILLIP
They'll have to get in line. A-hem. May I make a suggestion?
BARRY
What?
PHILLIP
Can we all try to make the best of this weekend? I came out here to have a nice time and if I don't have a nice time I'm gonna hurt someone.
DANNY
Sure. No problem.
BARRY
It's cool.
ALAN
You bet.
COLIN
Yeah.
THEY ALL LOOK AT DOUGIE.
PHILLIP
Dorothy?
DOUGIE
Alright, alright. Jeez. What do you want? Blood?
PHILLIP
Only if it's from a major artery.
BARRY
Phyllis, I just love what the bush does to your eyes.
PHILLIP
Thanks.
BARRY
Yeah. It’s brought all the red out.
PHILLIP
It’s my hay fever.
BARRY
Smart girl.
DANNY
Who are we missing?
BARRY
What are you? An idiot?
DANNY
To put up with you for six years I must be retarded.
BARRY
You’ll get no arguments on that count.
PHILLIP
Where the hell is he?
COLIN
He was right behind us a moment ago.
BARRY
Probably stopped to have a deep and meaningful with a squirrel.
DANNY
There aren't any squirrels in this country.
BARRY
And thank you David Attenborough.
GERALD ENTERS LOOKING LIKE AN EXPLORER.
GERALD
Hey, guys. Guess what? I saw a rabbit.
THE OTHERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN START TO UNPACK. DOUGIE WALKS UP TO
GERALD AND GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR.
DOUGIE
Geraldine? Let's have a little understanding, shall we? We're trapped in the forest, I've got aching feet, insects in my hair and the thought of crapping in the bushes without a shower is repulsive to say the least. So here's a little warning. If you're planning on driving me nuts this weekend with your inane dribble about the weather, ridiculous observations on flora and fauna or anything else that might be of interest only to a brain-damaged train spotter I'm gonna wait till you're asleep, sew you up in your sleeping bag and set fire to your tent! Okay? Am-I-getting-through-to-you?
GERALD
Uh-huh.
DOUGIE
Good.
PHILLIP
Okay. Sleeping arrangements. Alan and Colin?
THEY NOD.
PHILLIP
Barry and Danny?
BARRY
If we must.
PHILLIP
Dorothy, you're sleeping with me and Geraldine.
DOUGIE
Wait a minute. Why am I sleeping with Geraldine?
PHILLIP
Because she's got the only three-man tent, the others are full up and there's no more room at the inn, bitch!
DOUGIE
I was just asking. You're an evil and sour person, Phyllis. I hope all your children have little dicks. And that includes the girls.
ALAN
Maybe some of us should go collect firewood.
PHILLIP
Good idea. We better get some fresh water as well. I think the river is about 200 yards down that track.
DOUGIE
River? What do we need a river for?
PHILLIP
Water, Einstein.
DANNY
We’ve got six bottles of Evian, haven't we?
PHILLIP
That's in case of emergency.
DOUGIE
Phyllis, I'm not drinking out of a fucking stream! I'll get typhoid or malaria or something.
BARRY
We can but dream.
COLIN
You want a hand collecting the wood?
ALAN
Sure.
ALAN AND COLIN EXIT.
BARRY
So, what's the up-to-date on those two?
PHILLIP
How should I know? Mind your beez-wax, Seabiscuit. Geraldine, unpack your tent.
GERALD
Okey-dokey.
DANNY
Ten to one it's got Annie Oakley on the side.
GERALD TAKES THE TENT OUT OF HIS BACKPACK. THE OTHERS START ASSEMBLING
THEIRS.
BARRY
Are they, you know, dating?
PHILLIP
Colin and Alan? Apparently.
DANNY
I thought Dorothy was seeing Colin.
DOUGIE
We were, okay!? But now we're not. So mention it again and I'll drive a tent peg through your heart.
PHILLIP
I’m glad she’s not bitter. Dougie, are you gonna stand there or are you gonna help?
DOUGIE LOOKS AT HIM AND BATS HIS EYELIDS.
PHILLIP
Well, go and collect some kindling or something.
DOUGIE LOOKS PUZZLED.
PHILLIP
Little bits of wood to start the fire.
DOUGIE
I knew that.
DOUGIE EXITS.
BARRY
No, no. You're doing it all wrong. That's the wrong pole.
DANNY
Beulah, there are only two poles and they’re exactly the same. I'm not a complete idiot.
BARRY
Can I get a second opinion?
DANNY
I have been camping before, you know.
BARRY
Girl guides? You've got the pole upside down, schmuck.
DANNY
Don't call me schmuck, you bloated hump back.
BARRY
Moron.
DANNY
Arsehole!
PHILLIP
So...counselling seems to have paid off for you two?
BARRY
We're just expressing ourselves. Bevan says we mustn’t hold it in. We should say what we feel.
PHILLIP
Who the fuck is Bevan?
DANNY
Our R.S.C.
PHILLIP
What?
BARRY
Relation support counsellor. Pathetic, isn’t it? In my day it was called marriage guidance.
DANNY
In your day they were bashing bones against large black monoliths and howling at the moon.
BARRY
And don’t forget hitting their wives over the head with clubs.
DANNY
If I were your wife I'd let you.
PHILLIP
Back to the story, ladies.
DANNY
Bevan’s one of those new breed of counsellors. You know. Very down to earth. Very at one with the cosmos.
BARRY
In other words he's out to lunch.
PHILLIP
And what’s he supposed to do?
DANNY
Bevan’s our guide through the "rocky emotional terrain that is part and parcel of the whole, the sturm und drang, [BARRY JOINS IN] the atmos and ethos, Yin and Yang."
BARRY
Which basically means he listens to all our crap for forty minutes, ohms in the corner and then tells us to eat more yoghurt!
DANNY
Bevan says food can be a major source of disharmony. A balanced diet is the fundamental crotch to a balanced relationship.
BARRY
That's crutch.
PHILLIP
Well, he sounds like a jerk. Where the hell did you meet this guy, anyway?
DANNY
Buddy night at the sauna.
BARRY
We thought sex might bring us closer together if it was done apart. Not my idea of course.
PHILLIP
That sounds logical. And did it?
DANNY
Not really. Barry got chased all night by some weirdo in a towel turban and sling backs and I got athlete's foot. Plus we were seen by a couple of Barry’s ex’s. Funny, I thought they’d all be in homes by now.
BARRY
And they just love to compare notes. Gives ‘em something new to bitch about. Now everyone’s gonna know we’re dud fucks.
DANNY
You keep saying that. We are not dud fucks!
BARRY
Six years sleeping together and you'd think by now we knew where everything went.
DANNY
We've just hit a dead spot, that's all. Bevan says we have to be more experimental.
BARRY
That's rich coming from him. He was wearing flares at our last session!
PHILLIP
Is he cute?
DANNY
What's that got to do with anything?
BARRY
The sad thing is yes, he's a little stunner.
DANNY
He's just okay.
BARRY
Looks like a right splurter to me.
GERALD
A what?
BARRY
You know.
BARRY INDICATES SOMEONE EXPLODING IN AN ORGASM OVER HIS CHEST.
GERALD
Oh, yeah!
PHILLIP
Back to your work, Prissy. Them’s chores to be done.
DANNY
He's not that good looking.
BARRY
Looks like a model.
GERALD
I always wanted to be a model.
PHILLIP
Clay?
BARRY WAVES AN IMAGINARY WAND AND SPEAKS IN FALSETTO.
BARRY
And so you shall.
THE TWO TENTS ARE NOW SET UP.
PHILLIP
Well, we're done.
BARRY
Same here. I’m gonna go beat up Dorothy. You coming?
DANNY
Pass.
BARRY
Now you know it’s no fun with just one. [BEAT] Alright, it is fun but still...
DANNY
I'll set up Alan and Colin's tent. You go.
PHILLIP
Here. [HE PUSHES GERALD AWAY] Take "giggles" with you.
GERALD
I don't want to go.
PHILLIP
Yes you do.
GERALD
Okay.
PHILLIP
You better watch out. There's old mine shafts all over the place.
BARRY
Of course there are and why shouldn't there be. Geraldine, you go first.
BARRY PUSHES HIM OFF. PHILLIP HELPS DANNY SET UP THE LAST TENT. HE
WATCHES HIM INTENTLY.
PHILLIP
You're sleeping with him, aren't you?
DANNY LOOKS STUNNED.
DANNY
Who?
PHILLIP
You and this Bevan guy.
DANNY
No, of course not.
PHILLIP
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
DANNY
I forgot about your woman's intuition.
PHILLIP
It's a gift and a burden.
DANNY
Are we talking about the hump on your back?
PHILLIP
Just don't try rubbing it for luck.
DANNY
How did you...?
PHILLIP
You and Bevan? [SMILING] I can read you like a flyer. Does Beulah know?
DANNY
Are you crazy? He'd kill me.
PHILLIP
I don't blame him. Fancy sleeping with your marriage guidance counsellor.
DANNY
R.S.C.
PHILLIP
Whatever.
DANNY
Look, it's not serious or anything like that.
PHILLIP
Of course it isn't.
DANNY
Bevan's got a boyfriend.
PHILLIP
He's married?
DANNY
Yep.
PHILLIP
Then what was he doing at the baths?
DANNY
They're having problems.
PHILLIP
Who is?
DANNY
Bevan and his boyfriend.
PHILLIP
Is it just me or does that situation sound a little strange?
DANNY
I'm trying not to think about it. And don't you go getting all pious, Phyllis. You were stepping out on Daisy three years before he found out and dumped you.
PHILLIP
He didn't dump me. We came to a mutual agreement.
DANNY
And what was that?
PHILLIP
If I let him leave he wouldn't punch my lights out. Besides, I never said I was June Cleaver.
DANNY
Good thing, June. You haven't got the style.
PHILLIP
Or the beaver. So what happens when Beulah finds out?
DANNY
Well, he’d go through the roof but it's not gonna happen anyway because I broke it off with Bevan this morning.
PHILLIP
Why?
DANNY
He was becoming too demanding.
PHILLIP
Not to mention totally unethical.
DANNY
He kept calling me at work so I let him have it. I told him I didn’t want to have an affair with the one person who was supposed to be helping me from feeling the need to have an affair in the first place.
PHILLIP
What did he say?
DANNY
I've no idea. He wasn't in. I left a message on his machine.
PHILLIP
You brave little soul.
COLIN ENTERS WITH A BUNDLE OF WOOD. HE SMILES AT THE OTHER TWO.
COLIN
Hi guys. Oh, you've put up our tent. Thanks. Are you sure we need the fire yet?
HE STARTS TO PREPARE A FIRE.
PHILLIP
It's for the marshmallows. And pile it high, honey, in case we have to burn someone at the stake.
DANNY GLARES AT HIM.
DANNY
I'll just go see if Beulah's been eaten by a bear. Hah! Like a bear would survive.
DANNY EXITS.
PHILLIP
Are you okay, Colin? You've been a bit quiet today.
COLIN
Oh, yeah. I'm okay. It's just that...well, you know...
PHILLIP
Alan?
COLIN
Yeah.
PHILLIP
Well, speaking as the group’s agony aunt and believe me its all agony; one thing I’ve learned about Alan is you never rush him. Michael's only been gone twelve months so it's gonna take him a little time to loosen up, okay? And don't worry. I'm sure it's not you.
COLIN
I was starting to wonder.
PHILLIP
He does like you, you know.
COLIN
Yeah?
PHILLIP
I'm certain of it.
COLIN
Good. I...I really like him, you know.
PHILLIP
Get out of here.
DOUGIE AND GERALD ENTER. DOUGIE IS CARRYING A FEW SMALL TWIGS. HE DROPS
THEM BY THE FIRE COLIN IS MAKING. HE TURNS TO GERALD.
DOUGIE
Stop following me, Wayne. Get your own friends!
GERALD
What?
DOUGIE
Skip it.
GERALD
Phillip, did you see? There's a river just down the path.
PHILLIP
I know.
GERALD
We could go for a swim.
BARRY, DANNY and ALAN ENTER.
DOUGIE
Forget it. The last time I went for a swim in a river a dead dog floated past me.
BARRY
Bet it wasn't dead until you put on your two-piece.
DOUGIE
You’re so funny. Not!
PHILLIP
The last time she had her blouse off someone tried entering her in best of breed.
THEY ALL SIT DOWN IN VARIOUS POSITIONS. GERALD PULLS OUT A COMIC.
DOUGIE IS DOING HIS NAILS. COLIN SPREADS HIS SLEEPING BAG OUT. AFTER A LONG PAUSE...
BARRY
Well, this is riveting.
DOUGIE
So what do we do now?
PHILLIP
Nothing. We relax.
DOUGIE
Phyllis, I could've relaxed at home and still be holding the remote.
BARRY
With one hand of course.
DANNY
You know this reminds me of a documentary I saw once where all these big butch truck drivers went into the bush for a weekend to reclaim their manhood or something. They were all wearing flannelette shirts, banging on drums and screaming about their fathers not loving them.
DOUGIE
That’s disgraceful. Must have been straight. Nobody wears flannelette anymore.
DANNY
Yeah. And then...I think they got chased through the bush and one of the guys, the fat one, got raped by these retards with banjos and they made him squeal like a pig!
BARRY
I think you're confusing that with Deliverance.
DANNY
Really? Shit.
ALAN
I’m sure I saw that in an episode of Skippy.
GERALD
Why don't we go for a walk?
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.
BARRY
We've just walked for what feels like hours....
DANNY
Twenty minutes.
BARRY
And she wants to play bloody Burke & Wills.
DOUGIE
There's no way I'm walking another step. I'm fucked.
PHILLIP
Hard to believe. Truly a girl of her times.
DOUGIE
Tell me, do all you feral pigs travel in packs?
BARRY
You've been to the Stronghold. You tell us.
DOUGIE
Well shave your back, bitch and get off mine!
GERALD
Then how about we have a singsong?
BARRY
What?
GERALD
Sure. We used to do it in the cubs all the time.
BARRY
That accounts for her uniform fetish.
DOUGIE
Forget it. I don't know any campfire songs.
PHILLIP & DOUGIE LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN START SINGING THE FIRST
FEW BARS OF "People" FROM FUNNY GIRL.
ALAN
That's not campfire. Just camp.
DANNY
Maybe we should just go to sleep. I'm kinda pooped.
COLIN
What time is it?
ALAN
7 o'clock.
THEY ALL MOAN.
BARRY
We better pace ourselves. If we have all our fun tonight there'll be nothing to look forward to, come tomorrow.
DOUGIE
I need to go to the toilet. Phyllis, where are the loos around here?
PHILLIP
Dorothy, we're miles into the bush. Go find yourself a tree.
DOUGIE
You mean I have to...
PHILLIP
Uh-huh.
DOUGIE
Ugh! Well, who brought the toilet paper?
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER. DOUGIE GOES OVER TO PHILLIP AND LEANS IN
TO HIM.
DOUGIE
[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Thank you so-oo much!
HE WALKS OVER AND GRABS GERALD'S COMIC.
GERALD
Hey, that's....
DOUGIE
Sorry, Geraldine. These are desperate times.
HE WALKS OFF COUGHING.
PHILLIP
What's she trying to do? Hawk up
a fur ball?
BARRY
Look out world. [SOLEMNLY] "The queen has entered the forest."
BLACKOUT
SCENE TWO
THE GROUP ARE SUNBAKING ON TOWELS. BARRY IS THE ONLY ONE WEARING A
SHIRT. DOUGIE HOLDS A REFLECTOR SHIELD UNDER HIS NECK. GERALD IS LYING CLOSE TO
HIM TRYING TO GET SOME OF HIS BEACH TOWEL. DANNY READS FROM A GAY NEWSPAPER.
DANNY
Hey, listen to this one. 30-year-old playful pup wants younger pups to have fun with and sniff out. Not into pedigrees but I am choosy. Your photo gets mine.
PHILLIP
Sniff out?
DANNY
Don't ask me.
BARRY
Stop reading that trash. It's sick.
DANNY
You think so? Well, listen to this. Hot, horny, young, stud muffin master wants slave into shaving, spanking, swimwear and cake. Sincere callers only.
PHILLIP
Sincere? Like someone's gonna pretend they're into that sort of stuff.
ALAN
Cake? What do they do with cake?
DOUGIE
Maybe they shove the cake down your speedos while they're trimming your moustache and if you complain they smack you in the mouth. That should cover all bases.
DANNY
Here's another one. Average looking guy...
PHILLIP
Who's gonna admit to being average? I mean if you had a choice wouldn't you go for the one that admits to being gorgeous. Sorry. You're too good looking. I only go for trolls.
DANNY
That accounts for your past record, Phyllis. Can I finish?
PHILLIP
Knock yourself out.
DANNY
Average looking guy, 30's. Non-scene. Loves theatre, movies, soft music, warm nights by the fire, kissing and cuddling, seeks same with view to relationship based on honesty, trust and understanding.
THEY ALL SIGH.
ALL
Ah.
DANNY
Hang on. There's more. [BEAT] Must be well hung.
PHILLIP
Who says romance is dead? Give me that.
PHILLIP GRABS THE PAPER.
PHILLIP
Dorothy. I found your ad.
DOUGIE
Oh, spare me.
PHILLIP
Short obnoxious queen with zero talent and charisma bypass looking for old, ugly and desperate. You push my wheelchair, I push yours.
DOUGIE
Skinny pig with numerous wrinkles, bad breath and suspect hygiene condition seeks same for flossing and flagellation.
BARRY
Why, Phyllis, that's everything but your name.
ALAN
What ever happened to real passion?
DANNY
Hey, look, there's passion on every one of those pages.
BARRY
You wouldn't know passion if it ran up and bit you on the arse!
DANNY
And of course you would.
BARRY
I might but it was before your time.
DANNY
Before my time you were doing the beats and wondering why small children were reeling back in horror at supermarkets.
PHILLIP
Such a pleasant little couple. I predict an axe murder by nightfall.
DOUGIE HITS GERALD.
GERALD
Hey!
DOUGIE
Keep your cold clammy paws away from me, queen, or I'll smack you dead.
GERALD
I didn't bring a towel.
DOUGIE
Tough! Life is pain. Live with it.
BARRY
You're a greedy little pig, Dorothy. Give him some of your towel.
DOUGIE
You give him some of yours.
BARRY
Sorry, Geraldine. Life's a bitch and so am I.
GERALD
That's okay.
DANNY
Serve yourself right. Next time you come on a trip make sure you're prepared. By the way, did anyone bring suntan lotion?
ALL
No.
GERALD
I've got some.
DANNY
Christ. May I borrow some, you sack of slop?
PHILLIP
How can you say no?
GERALD
It's in my bag.
DANNY GETS UP AND GOES OVER TO GERALD'S BAG. GERALD JUMPS UP AND GRABS
THE BAG.
GERALD
Er....I'll get it.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.
ALAN
What have you got hiding in there, Gerald?
GERALD
Nothing.
BARRY
Yeah, right.
DANNY
You know, we haven't all been near water since that time we went to the beach.
PHILLIP
Ugh. Don't remind me. Colin you weren't there for this. Three years?
BARRY
More like five.
PHILLIP
Jesus. Was it? Five years ago. The day of Mardi Gras. Back when they were fun even without drugs.
ALAN
We're obviously talking ancient history.
PHILLIP
We were all going as what?
ALL
Lifeguards.
DANNY
Quelle original.
PHILLIP
And we all desperately needed a tan.
DOUGIE
Don't down play it Phyllis. Your body was so white I got cataracts.
GERALD
Where was that?
ALL
Glamouramma.
THEY ALL SHIVER AT THE THOUGHT.
GERALD
Oh that's right.
PHILLIP
The water was so polluted we all got a stomach bug.
DANNY
Polluted? You'd walk into the water and come out with a tan line.
ALAN
We spent the whole night running, literally, to the toilets.
DOUGIE
That's when we could find one that didn't have the light bulbs smashed and twenty queens packed in, trying to make babies.
BARRY
Fucking Mardi Gras.
DANNY
Oh-oh. Here we go. Who mentioned Mardi Gras?
BARRY
What a joke. Shang-hied, that’s what it is. The minute our backs are turned snivelling, untalented little queens and house Frau politico dykes take over. Where were they when we were being dragged off to prison? Where were they when the police were bashing us in the cells?
DANNY
Since when did you ever get bashed in a cell?
ALAN
You were living in New Zealand during the seventies.
DOUGIE
As if that wasn't obvious enough.
BARRY
I'm speaking metaphorically, queen. But if I had been there I would've been on the front line.
DANNY
Selling Amway, no doubt.
BARRY
As soon as those dykes get their size nines in the door of anything they want to run the whole shebang. Remember when it was just men at those parties? I'm not talking about the screaming queens from the Albury in pants made out of their granny's doilies but real men. The girls had their parties; the boys had theirs and the in-betweens....like Dorothy, well they stayed at home and ran up hats. There wasn't this pseudo "community" shit either. Everyone pretending to be nice to each other.
PHILLIP
You're locked in a time warp, Beulah.
DANNY
How did we get into this?
BARRY
We did the groundwork and they take all the glory.
DANNY
Have you finished yet?
BARRY
Don't get me wrong. I like women.
ALL
“Some of my best friends are women.”
DANNY
The only trouble is that every time he gets into a room with a dyke he wants to punch their lights out.
BARRY
Right now I wish you were a dyke. My point is that they won't be happy until there ain't a single man on the dance floor. Now there’s even some loonies who want to take our disease away from us. Well, if they want that, they're welcome to it! And while they're at it they can take the bashings, the pain and heartbreak and all the other shit that goes with it. Fuck Mardi Gras! Fuck them all!
PHILLIP
I just love it when we touch a raw nerve, don't you?
BARRY
And while we're at it, who the hell came up with this "queer" shit?
THE OTHERS GROAN
DANNY
Look out. She's on a roll.
BARRY
I have performed synchronised swimming through six different types of crap over the last forty years trying to accept myself for what I am and no shaved-headed little yuppie queen in a spandex blouse and Clark Kent goggles is gonna call me "queer!"
ALAN
If you’re that bothered do something about it. Do the rallies.
PHILLIP
Make a stand.
DOUGIE
Take a pill.
BARRY
I'm far too busy.
DANNY
Spoken like a true wet fish.
DOUGIE
She’s just not a people person.
DANNY
You know, maybe if you lost some weight...
BARRY
What's my weight got to do with anything?
DANNY
Bevan says when we are unhappy with ourselves we always look for fault in others.
BARRY
I wasn’t talking about my weight.
DANNY
Maybe not but, well, you're always moaning about how much you weigh. I've told you it doesn't matter to me how fat you are.
BARRY
Oh, so now I'm fat?
DOUGIE
Of course you are, Beulah. You've got an arse that sits in two time zones. I bet when you and Danny have sex he just slaps one of your thighs and rides the wave in.
BARRY
Hah-bloody-hah! I'll have you know some people think I have washboard stomach.
THEY ALL START LAUGHING.
PHILLIP
Unfortunately the mangle is still attached.
DANNY
[TO BARRY] I just think you should look after yourself. You could have a heart attack or something.
BARRY
So now I’m gonna have a heart attack?
DOUGIE
Hopefully.
BARRY
You just love to pull these little cracks out, don’t you? I wasn't even talking about weight. You were the one who brought it up.
DANNY
Or maybe Bevan was right. You're having a mid-life crisis and can’t face the fact you’re getting old. [TO OTHERS] You should see him when he has one of his hissy fits. It's hysterical
BARRY
[SCREAMING] I do not have hissy fits!
DOUGIE
Oh, we stand corrected.
DANNY
Why don't you grow old gracefully like everyone else?
BARRY
Why don't you fuck off and die!
DANNY
Nice comeback.
DOUGIE
You know you could always have that hormone replacement therapy.
BARRY
And since when did Bevan say that I was having a mid life crisis? He never mentioned anything at our sessions together.
DANNY
Oh...I'm sure he did.
BARRY
I think I would have remembered that.
DOUGIE
You're in the middle of menopause. You don't remember anything.
BARRY
Will you shut the fuck up!
GERALD
Do men have menopause?
DOUGIE
Beulah has more flushes than a porta-loo.
PHILLIP
Can we please change the subject?
BARRY
[TO DANNY] You little weed. I won't forget this.
PAUSE.
PHILLIP
Ah, me. Queens with time on their hands. What do they talk about?
DOUGIE STARTS COUGHING. PHILLIP LOOKS AT HIM.
BARRY
Keep your barking down, Dorothy. You're frightening the wildlife.
DOUGIE
Fuck off, bitch.
DANNY
Such a lady.
ALAN
How are rehearsals going, Dougie?
DOUGIE
What? Oh, great, just great.
ALAN
Dougie's in a big musical.
COLIN
Really?
DOUGIE
It's not that big.
ALAN
Hundreds of people on stage.
DOUGIE
There's thirty.
ALAN
And he gets to say lines this time.
DOUGIE
A line. One crummy line. The rest is just chorus. Sorry. Ensemble.
COLIN
What's it about?
DOUGIE
Don't ask.
DANNY
Tell us.
ALAN
You're gonna love this.
DOUGIE
It's based on the Azaria Chamberlain thing.
BARRY
What's it called?
DOUGIE
Howl - The Musical.
PHILLIP
Sounds precious.
GERALD
Are we going to the opening night?
PHILLIP
Of course we are.
BARRY
We’re queens. We’d go to the opening of an envelope.
GERALD GETS UP.
GERALD
I need to take a leak.
DANNY
Thank you for sharing that with us, Geraldine.
GERALD
Anyone else need to go?
ALL
Er...no thanks...pass....What is she? Mental?
GERALD
Okay.
GERALD EXITS. DANNY GETS UP AND GOES TO GERALD'S BAG.
BARRY
Dee Dee, what are you doing in there?
DANNY
Shut up. I wanna know...
DOUGIE
What? What did you find?
DANNY
Nothing. Just a magazine. Oh my lordy. It's a porn.
DOUGIE
You're kidding.
DANNY
[THUMBING THROUGH IT] Yes, indeedy, folks. It's a suck-’n'-buck festarama.
PHILLIP
Why would he bring...[BEAT] What's the matter?
DANNY IS IN SHOCK
DOUGIE
What?
DOUGIE GETS UP AND LOOKS OVER DANNY'S SHOULDER. HE GOES INTO SHOCK AS
WELL. PHILLIP GETS UP AND GRABS THE MAGAZINE.
PHILLIP
Typical. They have to turn total spasmo...[PAUSE] Oh...my...god. It's Geraldine.
BARRY
Get the fuck outta here.
DOUGIE & DANNY LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN QUICKLY WRING THEIR HANDS,
CRINGING AND SHIVERING.
DANNY & DOUGIE
Ee-uww.
BARRY, ALAN & COLIN CROWD AROUND THE
MAGAZINE.
ALAN
Oh, shit.
COLIN
God, it's really him.
BARRY
I don't believe it. Why would he do something like this?
ALAN
The exposure?
BARRY
Well, you don't get much more exposed than this. God, you can just about see every vein.
DANNY & DOUGIE MOCK THROWING UP.
DOUGIE
Beulah, please.
ALAN
Maybe he needed the money.
DANNY
No she doesn't. She hordes like a chipmunk. The last time she ever paid for anything was with shells.
COLIN
Why would he bring it along this weekend?
BARRY
Why does he do anything? We stopped trying to figure Geraldine out a long time ago.
ALAN
What does it say?
DANNY
What?
ALAN
The caption underneath. What does it say?
DANNY
Oh.
HE READS. THE OTHERS LOOK ON. BARRY HITS HIM.
DANNY
What? Oh, you want me to read it aloud?
BARRY
You might as well. Your lips are moving anyway.
DANNY
"Chuck likes to spend most of his day...."
ALL
Chuck?
DANNY
"Chuck likes to spend most of his day just working on his farm."
BARRY
Farm? She wouldn't know a farm if a cow fell on her.
DANNY
"After a long hot day there's nothing better than relaxing with a toss in the hay."
ALL
Ee-uww!
ALAN
I can't believe he's done this.
PHILLIP
I can't believe a lot of things she does.
DANNY
Quick. She's coming back.
THEY SHOVE THE MAGAZINE BACK INTO HIS BAG AND RUSH BACK TO THEIR
POSITIONS AS GERALD COMES BACK.
DOUGIE
Geraldine, did you remember to
flush?
GERALD
Yeah, of course I,...you’re so funny. Jeez, it's getting hot. Anyone want to go back into the water?
PHILLIP
Pass.
ALAN
I will.
COLIN
Me too.
DOUGIE
Okay.
DANNY
Why not.
PHILLIP
Dorothy, you're going a little red. You want maybe we should baste the other side and put some vegetables around you.
DOUGIE
I'm already surrounded by vegetables.
DANNY
Beulah?
BARRY
No, thank you.
DOUGIE PUSHES GERALD OFF.
DOUGIE
Let's go, Chuck.
GERALD
What?
THE OTHERS STOP FOR A MOMENT. GERALD LOOKS PUZZLED.
DOUGIE
Nothing. Move it.
THEY EXIT LEAVING BARRY AND PHILLIP STILL SITTING DOWN.
PHILLIP
Ah. At last a quiet moment. Beulah, pass me my bag.
BARRY
[PASSING A SMALL BAG] Why?
PHILLIP TAKES OUT A SMALL HALF BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND TWO GLASSES.
PHILLIP
I was saving this till later to have by myself but Beulah, since you've known me such a long, long time you may join me in my disintegration.
BARRY
Oh, party time! Where you go, my lush friend, I will drunkenly follow.
PHILLIP
Or stagger, as the case may be.
BARRY
And what, prey tell is the reason for this inspired and yet [HOLDING UP THE HALF BOTTLE] abbreviated celebration. Has something monumental happened in your drab and wretched life?
PHILLIP
I’m just revelling in my jaunt amongst the wildflowers.
BARRY
Crap.
PHILLIP
Ah, you see through my ruse.
BARRY
You couldn't wait to get away this weekend. There must be something going on.
PHILLIP
I got fired yesterday.
BARRY
No shit?
PHILLIP
On the contrary. Bulk kaka. I guess I told one too many customers if they didn't make up their minds pronto I'd break into their houses and roger their vile offspring with a prize winning zucchini.
BARRY
Mm. Vivid. I guess some people can't take a joke.
PHILLIP
Oh, that doesn't bother me really. I mean I can survive until I get another job but...
BARRY
But what?
PHILLIP
Well it got me thinking.
BARRY
About?
PHILLIP
Well, everything I suppose. Do you know what day it is today?
BARRY
Nope. Not in the slightest.
PHILLIP
September 29th
BARRY
Okay, you got me. What?
PHILLIP
Ten years since Leslie died.
BARRY
Jesus, is it?
PHILLIP
Uh-huh.
BARRY
Time flies when you're shuffling off to Buffalo.
PHILLIP
That's for sure.
BARRY
Ten years, huh? Boy, oh, boy.
PHILLIP
And do you know what the worst thing is?
BARRY
Besides your appalling dress sense? What?
PHILLIP
I can't really remember what the hell he looked like. I mean I know what he looked like but the image is getting blurred or something. I used to go to bed and just as I'd close my eyes I could still see him clearly. Nowadays if it weren’t for the photographs I'd forget completely. All that thick red hair and freckles. “Them big freckly red-headed men. Them’s fierce.” You know, he was the funniest person I ever met. The only one who could stop me dead in my tracks.
BARRY
I remember.
PHILLIP
But more importantly he was the only man I ever wanted to grow old with. That only happens once, doesn’t it. It seems so unfair. He was the only one who ever said he wanted to climb mountains with me. God. Remember how he was one of the first people we ever knew to get sick? For one brief moment it was almost fashionable to know someone that was ill. Then everyone started getting sick and, just like Sunset Boulevard, the novelty soon wore off. You know the old saying. "I know a lot of dead people.” First Leslie then Michael...
BARRY
And that's why this weekend...
PHILLIP
Maybe. There's not much in this world I want but this group even with all it's crap is still the closest thing I've got to family. To home. Without actually clicking my heels, anyway. Of course if you let this get out I’ll deny everything.
BARRY
My hips are soiled.
PHILLIP
But things have a habit of changing.
BARRY
They don’t change that much.
PHILLIP
Well, they change too much for my liking.
BARRY
Who ya' gonna complain to?
PHILLIP
And I don’t relish the thought of ending up old and alone either so just promise me if I ever get pasty and perverted like that old guy in Death in Venice you’ll put me out of my misery. I don't wanna end up dropping dead in a deck chair.
BARRY
I promise. The minute you go gaga over a pretty youth I'll fillet your puny carcass and feed it to the rats.
PHILLIP
Such a poet.
BARRY
Ring time, sis?
THEY BOTH CONNECT THEIR INDEX FINGER KNUCKLES.
BOTH
Shazam.
BLACKOUT
SCENE THREE
NIGHT. THE GROUP ARE SITTING AROUND A CAMPFIRE. COLIN IS HOLDING A POTATO ON
A STICK OVER THE FIRE. THE OTHERS ARE EATING ALREADY COOKED POTATOES. DANNY
WALKS ON AND THROWS THE COMIC AT GERALD.
DANNY
Thanks Geraldine. I love your comic.
GERALD
Yeah? Me too. Some kid left it on the plane. It's one of my favourites.
DANNY
One of mine too. Strong and yet super absorbent.
GERALD HOLDS UP THE COMIC. IT IS LOOKING RATHER THIN.
DANNY
Sorry about that, guys. Okay, my turn? I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...
BARRY
F.
DANNY
Hey, it's...
BARRY
F for finished.
PHILLIP
Finito.
ALAN
Finale.
DOUGIE
Fucked.
GERALD
Through.
THEY ALL LOOK AT GERALD. HE GIVES A CHEESY GRIN.
BARRY
I swear she's got an I.Q. lower than Tom Cruise's sperm count.
PHILLIP
Touché.
DOUGIE
And room enough between her ears for a handbag.
DANNY
The only reason God gave her ears was so her legs wouldn't go all the way back.
GERALD
Is Tom Cruise gay?
THEY LOOK AT HIM
DANNY
Typical. Why do we always presume the most beautiful men in the world are gay?
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN START CHANTING.
PHILLIP & BARRY
One of us! One of us!
PHILLIP
The whole world needs a role model. We just like to pick the pretty ones.
DOUGIE
In this case I think it's wishful thinking.
DANNY
And why not? It's about time we got a little of our own back anyway. When you put up with as much crap as we do then we deserve to have a little fun.
COLIN
You know what I think. I think maybe gay men should change their image.
DANNY
And how, pray tell?
COLIN
Well, for one thing we could stop calling each other women's names.
DANNY
You wanna know why gay guys call each other those names? To send ourselves up so we don't take things too seriously until we need to. And in any case they're girlie names, not women's. If some half-cocked feminist gets upset when a queen uses a girlie handle then she deserves all the aggro she gets. Tell 'em to lighten up, for Christ's sakes. There are worse things in this world.
COLIN
I was just saying...
DANNY
I know what you were saying. You're saying we should apologise for who we are.
COLIN
No, but I am saying if you put a t.v. camera on the street why is it twenty of the girliest and most revolting queens are going to throw themselves in front of it?
DANNY
We can't be responsible for everyone. Besides, that's just the media beat up.
COLIN
Funny. I thought it was a few queens who don’t have any idea what an embarrassment they are for the rest of us. No wonder they get bashed.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.
DANNY
How fucking dare you!
COLIN
I didn't mean to...
DANNY
Have you ever been bashed? Have you?!
COLIN
No, but....
DANNY
But nothing! You open your big mouth and say these fucking things. When you've had it done to you then you can have an opinion. Look, bashing doesn't just come from creeps hiding in the bushes, you know. It happens all over the place. Sick little preachers who wouldn't know true Christianity if it rooted them with a crucifix. Brain dead homophobic Tasmanians sharing the same eyebrow and idiots who still think it's a preference. We also get bashed with every little smart arse comment or innuendo and every patronising line from the idiot who accepts their friend’s gayness as if they’ve got that right! Who gives a fuck if they accept us or not? But you want to know who the worst homophobe is? It’s the gutless little queen who doesn’t fight and stand up for his gay brothers and sisters. Maybe some queens deserve to be smacked in the mouth occasionally and to tell the truth I'd be first in line but not because they're gay.
EVERYONE LOOKS AWAY.
BARRY
Eloquently spoken, sweetheart. And you wonder why we're never invited to parties anymore.
COLIN
Maybe I should shut up.
DOUGIE
Maybe you should.
EVERYONE IS TENSE. PAUSE.
PHILLIP
Someone tell a fart joke, for Christ’s sakes.
BARRY
Well, let's face it. Straights have always been obsessed with what gay guys do in bed.
DOUGIE
They're just jealous because they think someone’s having a better time than they are.
DANNY
They think sex is what it's all about.
PHILLIP
I got news for you. Most queens think that's what it's all about.
DANNY
If they're so obsessed with what we do in bed tell them we fuck their heroes! That should shut them up.
DOUGIE
I just love a good “outing”.
PHILLIP
Outing, that's different. That's some little arsehole pointing the finger on someone who doesn't get the right of reply.
BARRY
Just let anyone try to "out" me.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.
PHILLIP
Beulah, there are as yet undiscovered tribes in the northern most highlands of New Guinea who could tell you were a blouse.
COLIN
Anyone want another potato?
DOUGIE
[SNEERING] I couldn't possibly.
ALAN
If I have one more I'm gonna throw up.
DANNY
Ah, beautiful people doing beautiful things.
DOUGIE
Someone should fill me in. Are we having fun yet?
PHILLIP
Park it, hag!
DOUGIE
Well, excuse me all over the place. [TURNING TO ALAN AND COLIN] So...guys...how's it going between you two? Have you named the day, yet?
ALAN
Back off, Dougie.
DOUGIE
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such a touchy showbiz subject. Maybe I'll just shut my mouth, huh?
DANNY
Why don't you?
DOUGIE
No, I don't think so. I'm here to enjoy myself.
PHILLIP
Then go find some funnel-webs to play with.
DOUGIE
Tell me, Colin. Is there anyone else in the group you wanna share pillow talk with?
COLIN
I think I might go for a walk. I need some air.
ALAN
I'll come with you.
ALAN GLARES AT DOUGIE AS HE FOLLOWS COLIN. BARRY, DANNY AND PHILLIP
LOOK AT DOUGIE.
BARRY
[FROM "THE BAD SEED"] Rhoda!
PHILLIP
I'll say this much for you. When you make up your mind to be a schmuck you go all out, don't you?
DOUGIE
Oh, leave me alone.
DANNY
I'll bet you were a forceps birth!
BARRY
No way. She was born in a tube. What’s the matter? Mother roll on you when you were feeding?
DOUGIE
Get stuffed!
BARRY
Why do you have to be such a little bitch all the time?
DOUGIE
Really, it's just a hobby.
DANNY
Why can’t you be nice?
DOUGIE
Excuse me? You were just about ready to tear his throat out a moment ago.
DANNY
That’s different. That's politics.
PHILLIP
It really boils your potatoes, doesn't it?
DOUGIE
What?
PHILLIP
That Alan's seeing Colin now. You just can't let it go without being a dweeb.
DOUGIE
Oh, crap. What makes you think...
PHILLIP
Jesus Christ. You only went out with him for two weeks. There's no need to bleed from the eyeballs.
DOUGIE
That doesn't matter! He was mine. And Alan took him.
BARRY
"He's my boyfriend. No, he's mine!"
PHILLIP
He's not some fluffy toy, you know.
DANNY
Wanna bet?
PHILLIP
Get over it. It's becoming tiresome.
DOUGIE
When I'm good and ready.
DANNY
And in the meantime you make Alan feel like shit.
DOUGIE
I do not!
GERALD
Yes, you do.
DOUGIE
Stay out of this, twerp!
PHILLIP
Every time we go out you make little comments about Colin. You think that's not gonna upset him?
DOUGIE
I just think he should know what he's getting himself into, that's all. I don't trust Colin for a minute.
BARRY
Why? What's he ever done to you?
DANNY
He dumped him, that's all. The ultimate crime.
DOUGIE
No, it's not that. It's just...
PHILLIP
Well, from now on you be nice.
DOUGIE
I'm always...
PHILLIP
I mean it!
DOUGIE
Alright, alright.
BARRY
And apologise to Colin when he comes back.
DOUGIE
Since when do I...
PHILLIP
Do it!
DOUGIE
[PAUSE] Oh-kay.
DOUGIE LOOKS AT GERALD WHO IS GRINNING.
DOUGIE
How would like me to push your face in the fire?
GERALD
I didn't say anything.
DOUGIE
And keep it that way.
DANNY
You know, Bevan says that sometimes we say hurtful things because it's easier than expressing our true feelings.
DOUGIE
I'm sorry. I thought I was expressing my true feelings. And who the fuck is Bevan?
PHILLIP
Their shrink.
DANNY
Our R.S.C.
PHILLIP
Same pig. Different wig.
DOUGIE
Well, you tell Bevan to shut the fuck up and all. And while we're at it don't tell me how to run my life. You're the last two people to be giving advice about anything.
PHILLIP
Let's just drop it, okay?
DANNY
No, wait. What do you mean by that, you little smart-arse?
DOUGIE
Nothing.
DANNY
God, you’re such a little prick.
PHILLIP
I said drop it!
THEY ALL PAUSE. DOUGIE TURNS TO GERALD.
DOUGIE
So, Mr Potato Head. How's it hanging?
THE OTHERS LOOK UP WAITING FOR GERALD'S REACTION.
GERALD
What?
DOUGIE
Read any good books lately? Seen any movies? Appeared in any magazines with no clothes on?
GERALD LOOKS STARTLED. HE JUMPS UP AND WALKS OFF.
GERALD
I gotta take a walk.
DOUGIE IS QUITE PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. HE LOOKS AT THE OTHERS. THEY
SHAKE THEIR HEADS.
DOUGIE
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
BLACKOUT
SCENE FOUR
ALAN IS SITTING ALONE, SLIGHTLY AWAY FROM THE TENTS POKING THE FIRE
WITH A STICK. PHILLIP ENTERS.
PHILLIP
Hi.
ALAN
Hi, yourself.
PHILLIP
Having a good time?
ALAN LOOKS AT HIM.
PHILLIP
Don't answer that. I know. Dorothy doesn't mean everything she says, you know.
ALAN
I know.
PHILLIP
She's just got a few wheels in the sand at the moment.
ALAN
I understand. Where is everyone?
PHILLIP
Having a midnight skinny dip.
ALAN
You're kidding.
PHILLIP
Yes I am. Can you imagine that lot naked together? They don't mind flashing their willies at complete strangers but in front of each other they just about turn into nuns.
ALAN
Was Gerald with them?
PHILLIP
Nope. Last I saw he was sitting up a tree.
ALAN
Doing what?
PHILLIP
God knows. Where's Colin?
ALAN
Uh...
PHILLIP
Forget I asked. God, it’s a lovely night. [HE LOOKS AT ALAN] Is everything okay?
ALAN
What? Oh, sure.
PHILLIP
What's the matter?
ALAN
He wants to move in with me.
PHILLIP
Yeah? Well, that's one for the books. I didn't know it was that serious.
ALAN
Neither did I. I mean, we’ve only just started sleeping together.
PHILLIP
Really?
ALAN
Uh-huh.
PHILLIP
How was it?
ALAN
You know me. I never kiss and tell.
PHILLIP
How about bang and blab? Tell me, bitch, or I’m gonna sick Dorothy on you again.
ALAN
Uh...it was...it was good. [LAUGHING] Really good, actually.
PHILLIP
I hate you.
ALAN
Mind you, I haven’t been with anyone since Michael so anything’s a plus. I was beginning to think I was getting past my use by date.
PHILLIP
Ah, it's just like riding a bicycle. [BEAT] With the seat off.
ALAN
So what am I supposed to do?
PHILLIP
I seem to remember we had a gentlemen's
agreement. I agreed to stop giving advice and you agreed to join the planet
Earth.
ALAN
Well...just don't make it sound like advice.
PHILLIP
You’re such a wimp. Okay. Do you like him?
ALAN
Very much. Do you think it's too soon?
PHILLIP
You’re the only one who can answer that.
ALAN
I suppose.
PHILLIP
You still want my advice?
ALAN
I’ve uncorked you. Let’s finish the bottle.
PHILLIP
You’re not just thinking with your dick?
ALAN
No.
PHILLIP
Then follow your heart. That's all you can do.
ALAN LOOKS AT HIM THEN STARTS SHAKING HIM BY THE ARMS.
ALAN
Oh my God. Who are you? What have you done with Phillip?
PHILLIP SHAKES HIM OFF.
ALAN
You’ve become very wise in your dotage.
PHILLIP
I’ve had to. It was the day I realised all my friends were either total bitches or complete morons.
ALAN
Must have been a revelation.
PHILLIP
I'd had my suspicions for years.
COLIN ENTERS. PHILLIP GETS UP. HE TOUCHES ALAN ON THE FOREHEAD BETWEEN
THE EYES.
PHILLIP
[FROM E.T.] Beee...goood. [HE SMILES AT COLIN] I think I'll go tie some weights around Dorothy's ankles. I love watching her flap about.
HE EXITS
ALAN
You okay?
COLIN
Yep.
ALAN
Good. Listen, I'm sorry about this weekend. "We's a lotta strung out queens."
COLIN
No, no. It's okay. I'm actually enjoying myself.
ALAN
Yeah?
COLIN
Well, almost.
ALAN
Good. Um, about moving in...
COLIN
Yeah?
ALAN
Uh...if you want, you can bring your things over this week.
COLIN
Yeah? That’s great.
ALAN
Just...don’t expect too much, okay?
COLIN
Don’t worry. I won’t.
ALAN
Oh, thanks a bunch.
ALAN GETS UP.
ALAN
Well, uh, that’s settled then. Good. I guess you’ll need a key. Yeah, a key would be good.
COLIN LEANS IN AND IS ABOUT TO KISS HIM WHEN A NOISE COMES FROM BEHIND
THEM. THE REST OF THE GROUP ENTERS. THEY ARE SUPPORTING DOUGIE. ALL ARE SOAKING
WET.
ALAN
What's the matter?
BARRY
The dumb bitch banged her head.
PHILLIP
She was doing her Esther Williams/Shelley Winters Poseidon Adventure thing again and backstroked into a rock.
DOUGIE
I'm okay.
DANNY
Shut up, you stupid dwarf. You don't know what you're saying. You could have concussion or something.
PHILLIP
If she hasn't now I'll be glad to give it to her. Frightening us like that.
DOUGIE
Let go of me.
PHILLIP
You'd do anything to get out of it.
BARRY
You're so lucky. You could've been paralysed from the neck down.
DANNY
I hear she roots like she's paralysed from the ankles up!
BARRY
That'll teach you to fuck around in the dark.
PHILLIP
Like she's never done that before.
DANNY
Are you okay now?
DOUGIE
Don't touch me or I'll kill you.
BARRY
Yep. She's okay. Alright, Dorothy. We're waiting.
DOUGIE
Give me a second to catch my breath, why don't you? I've just had a near death experience.
PHILLIP
If you don't hurry up you'll get the chance to repeat the exercise.
DOUGIE
Alright, already.
THEY PROD HIM IN THE BACK AS HE FACES COLIN AND ALAN.
DOUGIE
Colin, Alan. I'm sorry for being insensitive earlier on.
THEY PROD HIM AGAIN
DANNY
And...
DOUGIE
And...I promise it won't happen again, may the bank reclaim my Amex card, so help me God.
BARRY
There wasn't any real warmth in it.
DANNY
Hilda hypocrite!
ALAN
Thanks.
COLIN
That’s okay.
DOUGIE
Can I go now?
PHILLIP
Please.
ALAN
We’ve got some news as well. Er...Colin’s going to move in with me.
THEY ARE ALL IN SHOCK. DOUGIE SHRIEKS AND COLLAPSES INTO BARRY &
DANNY'S ARMS.
DOUGIE
You should’ve let me drown.
PHILLIP
Don’t worry. Next time we will.
GERALD RUSHES ON
GERALD
I just...
DANNY
Geraldine?
GERALD
[BLURTING IT OUT] I just want to say that...I posed for some photos a while ago because this guy got me drunk and I didn't know what I was doing and I'm not proud of it!
THE OTHERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN AT HIM.
BARRY & DANNY
Well...duh!
BLACKOUT
SCENE FIVE
ALAN, DOUGIE AND COLIN ARE ASLEEP IN THEIR TENTS. PHILLIP, GERALD,
BARRY AND DANNY SIT AROUND THE FIRE, SMOKING A JOINT. THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE
OCCASIONAL COUGHING CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM ONE OF THE TENTS.
BARRY
What the hell were you thinking?
GERALD
I told you. I was drunk.
DANNY
Not that drunk. Otherwise it would have been Mr Floppy, wouldn't it?
BARRY
And let's face it. You had the evidence in hand, so to speak.
GERALD
I'd completely forgotten about it. Then this magazine just turns up on my doorstep last week. How was I supposed to know he had a camera? I was lucky I found my way to the bed. He just told me what to do and I did it. I wondered why there was hay bale in the bedroom. And I thought he was so cute, too.
PHILLIP
What's that got to do with anything?
GERALD
Oh, leave me alone. I'm going to bed.
GERALD GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE TENT. BARRY AND PHILLIP LOOK AT EACH
OTHER THEN GIVE EACH OTHER A HIGH FIVE.
DANNY
You know, Bevan says sometimes subconsciously we use alcohol as an alibi to do things we might otherwise be ashamed of.
PHILLIP
Bravo, Bevan.
BARRY
It's amazing how you always bring Bevan into our conversations. If I didn't know better I'd swear you were having an affair with him.
DANNY
Ha. Where did you get that idea from?
BARRY
Nowhere. I was just saying if I didn't know.....
DANNY LOOKS AWAY.
BARRY
Wait a minute. You are having an affair with him.
DANNY
What? No, I’m not. God, will you look at all those stars...
BARRY
You are. You are. I can't believe it. I was only bluffing but...
DANNY
I never said I was sleeping with him.
BARRY
But it's true, isn't it?
DANNY
I...
BARRY
Yes, or no?
DANNY
Uh...yes.
BARRY
Oh for crying out loud. How could you go and do that?
DANNY
You said we should try other people.
BARRY
I said other people. Not him!
DANNY
What?
BARRY
Not people we know.
DANNY
What difference does it make?
BARRY
It makes a lot of difference.
DANNY
Well, it shouldn't.
BARRY
I'm sorry but it does.
DANNY
We both agreed that we could have sex with other people.
BARRY
Together! You did it behind my back. The one thing I thought we agreed on was fidelity.
DANNY
While still sleeping with other people? That doesn't make sense.
BARRY
It doesn't have to make sense. There weren’t supposed to be any secrets. What a jerk I've been. When did it happen?
DANNY
You mean how long has it been going…
BARRY
What do you mean "going on"? I thought it was only once. You're having an affair with our marriage guidance counsellor?
DANNY
R.S.C.
BARRY
Shut up!
DANNY
Fine.
BARRY STANDS THERE SHAKING FOR A MOMENT. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.
BARRY
I can't believe I'm doing this.
HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND DANNY AND NESTLES HIS HEAD AGAINST HIS
SHOULDER. DANNY LOOKS OVER BARRY'S SHOULDER TO PHILLIP, ASTONISHED.
DANNY
What? You mean you forgive me?
BARRY
I...guess. I must be the most stupid person in the world but I don’t think it’s worth it breaking up over this, do you? There are plenty of worse things that you could have done and I just can’t imagine being without you. Besides, it's partly my fault anyway for not making my position clear. Is it all over with Bevan?
DANNY
Well, yeah.
BARRY
Good. Do you think we can start again?
DANNY
Sure. Okay.
BARRY
Good.
DANNY IS DAZED.
DANNY
I think I'll take a walk before I turn in. Today’s been a little too eventful.
HE WALKS OFF. BARRY TURNS TO LOOK AT PHILLIP. PHILLIP WATCHES AS BARRY
SITS ON THE SLEEPING BAG.
PHILLIP
[AFTER A LONG PAUSE] You're sleeping with him, aren't you?
BARRY
Who? Bevan? Of course I am. Well, actually we're speaking in the past tense. Slept. But Danny doesn't have to know that.
PHILLIP
You fucking hypocrite.
BARRY
What? Did I ever say that I wasn't sleeping with Bevan.
PHILLIP
No. But you never said you were either.
BARRY
If I had been asked I wouldn't deny it. I knew they'd been together. But you see, unlike Danny I know when to keep my big mouth shut.
PHILLIP
Don't you think that maybe that's a little bit unfair?
BARRY
Hey, I didn't sleep with Bevan until after I found out they'd already been humping. He was the one to suggest we try other partners in the first place. I figure as long as I know who it is and get equal time then he's not really doing it behind my back and it isn't really cheating. And there is the pay-off of course.
PHILLIP
Pay-off?
BARRY
Uh-huh. Right now he's thinking how wonderfully forgiving I am. He's also gonna think twice before doing anything like it again because he knows he has done me wrong. I didn’t realise what an easy lay Bevan was. "I have seen the enemy and it has flabby thighs."
PHILLIP
And you're not going to tell him.
BARRY
Not if I don't have to. [PAUSE] You knew about him and Bevan though. Didn't you?
PHILLIP
Nope. Not a bit.
BARRY
Mm. I wonder.
PHILLIP
God, this is getting complicated.
BARRY
Life's like that. One minute you're on top of the world. The next you're on top of a bonnet.
PHILLIP
Pre-xactly [sic].
DOUGIE'S VOICE COMES FROM OUT OF THE TENT.
DOUGIE
[OFF] Will you two shut the hell up! [THERE IS THE SOUND OF SOMEONE BREAKING WIND IN THE TENT] Geraldine!
BLACKOUT
SCENE SIX
THE GROUP ENTER AFTER HAVING ANOTHER SWIM. DOUGIE IS COUGHING SLIGHTLY
AND LOOKING PALE.
DOUGIE
I don't think I'll be going in the water anymore. I'm starting to wrinkle like a prune.
BARRY
As opposed to...
DANNY
So, what was he like?
PHILLIP
Who? My date? My God, you don't want to know.
BARRY
Au-contraire, lesser mortal. Tell us all.
ALAN
Is this the guy we met in the bookshop last week? The one with the moustache and the hairy chest?
PHILLIP
Yep.
DANNY
Fancy picking someone up in a bookshop. If that isn't cheap and tawdry then...
PHILLIP
Hey, he picked me up. Okay?! Besides, I don't get to meet many guys these days.
BARRY
Since the council condemned his local amenities block.
PHILLIP
I've been going to that beat since I was a teenager.
DANNY
Was it that old? It probably fell down from natural erosion.
GERALD
Was he good looking?
PHILLIP
Who?
GERALD
The guy in the bookshop.
ALAN
Very.
PHILLIP
Yeah well, looks can be deceiving.
GERALD
Why? What did he do?
PHILLIP
He wanted me to sit on the edge of the bed and watch him shave.
GERALD
Oh, that's a pity. I like moustaches and I just love hairy chests.
BARRY
I don't think he's talking about moustaches or his chest.
GERALD
Then what?
PHILLIP
Everything but.
GERALD
Oh. Baldy blobs?
PHILLIP
Exactly.
GERALD
Oh boy.
PHILLIP
Why don't people just have normal sex any more? None of this colour coordinated hankie type stuff. Just go straight for the missionary position and wake me when the headboard stops wobbling.
BARRY
I know so many queens who set off metal detectors at airports it isn't funny.
GERALD
Imagine if you were into spanking and you had one of those lights that turn off and on when you clap your hands. It would look like a disco when you had sex, wouldn't it?
THEY LOOK AT HIM.
BARRY
Sometimes, Geraldine, you really frighten me.
DANNY
Well I for one am sick and tired of this safe sex crap. I hate condoms. It's like tap dancing in diving boots.
BARRY
We do it to stay alive, idiot.
DANNY
I know why we do it. I just hate it, that's all.
PHILLIP
You know, I know this one guy who was so happy he got a negative result that he ran straight out of the clinic and got knocked down by a truck.
BARRY
That's terrible. Is she dead?
PHILLIP
No, but it slowed the bitch down. Nobody should get that cocky.
GERALD
I hear wanking parties are pretty good.
BARRY
Only if they've got central heating.
THEY LOOK AT HIM.
BARRY
Er...I'm told.
ALAN
Are you okay, Dougie? You're looking a little white.
DOUGIE
I'm okay. Can we change the subject?
DANNY
Just as it's getting interesting. What time are we leaving?
BARRY
In a couple of hours, I guess.
DANNY
Dorothy, what's that on your back?
DOUGIE
What are you talking about?
DANNY
There's a leech on your back or something.
PHILLIP
Dorothy, get off that leech!
DANNY
No it's not. Sorry. There's something there. A bruise or something. Right there in the small of your back.
DOUGIE
No, there's not. I can't see any mark.
DANNY
But there is...
DOUGIE
Just forget about it okay!
HE RUSHES TO PUT ON HIS T-SHIRT AND WALKS OFF.
BARRY
Shut up, Danny.
DANNY
What's his problem? I was just...
BARRY
For fuck's sake, shut up!
BARRY, ALAN AND PHILLIP LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
BLACKOUT
SCENE SEVEN
BARRY, ALAN AND PHILLIP ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE TENTS.
BARRY
This is your fault, Phyllis. You should never have asked him along.
PHILLIP
Don't you dare blame me. I didn’t know he was ill.
ALAN
We'll just wait till Danny and the others get back. They might have found him.
DOUGIE STAGGERS ON, COUGHING AND VERY SHORT OF BREATH.
PHILLIP
Dougie?
THEY MOVE TOWARDS HIM BUT HE BACKS AWAY.
DOUGIE
I'm okay.
PHILLIP
What's wrong?
DOUGIE
I guess this weekend got a bit much for me. I'm sorry I worried you. I've been a bit of a pain, I know. I wanted to have a good time in spite of everything.
ALAN MOVES TO HIM AS HE SINKS TO THE GROUND. ALAN CATCHES HIM. GERALD,
COLIN AND DANNY RUSH ON. PHILLIP GESTURES FOR THEM TO STAND BACK
DOUGIE
Aw shit. My chest hurts. This is all I need. Stumbling around in the bush, hacking my guts up. It's like I'm in some fucking movie I didn't get to choose.
GERALD
What movie? What's he talking about?
BARRY
Don't go completely American on us, Dorothy.
ALAN
Dougie, please....
DOUGIE PUSHES THEM ALL AWAY AND STANDS BACK, REELING AND COUGHING.
DOUGIE
One line. That’s all I had and it doesn’t look like I’ll even get to do that. One lousy line.
GERALD
One line?
DOUGIE
You wanna know what really frightens the kaka out of me? I keep thinking about those people you see on the trains nodding off. They're always in the seat facing you. They fall asleep and there's this stalactite of drool edging it’s way out their mouth, making its way towards their shirt. You're watching and praying it won't fall but like everyone else in the carriage you wanna see it happen. You wanna see someone else take the fall.
PHILLIP
What are you talking about?
DOUGIE
It's called fucking up! Pretty soon I'm gonna look down and there's gonna be a big wet patch on the shirtfront of my entire fucking existence.
HE GRABS THE SIDE OF ONE OF THE TENTS TO STEADY HIMSELF.
PHILLIP
Dougie?
DOUGIE
I'm sick, okay! Is that what you want to hear? Maybe now you'll shut up.
DANNY
What?
DOUGIE
I've been sick for months but no one ever noticed. You were all beside yourselves when Michael and Leslie got sick. Or one of the thousands jumping off the twig. You never noticed what I was going through.
PHILLIP
Dougie, we didn't know.
DOUGIE
I don't care! We’re all supposed to be so close. You should've been able to see. [TO ALAN] You wondered why I stayed away when Michael was in hospital? You think I want to see how it's gonna be for me? That isn't the way I want to go. I want to die in a car accident or something. I don't want to be one of those fucking obituary boxes taking up a tiny bit of space in some gay rag every fortnight. Everyone looks at those pages to see who’s dead and then they can say "Oh, I knew him." Well, I don't want that! I wish someone would just blow my fucking brains out because I swear if I had just an ounce of courage I'd do it myself. I don't wanna be remembered. I want to be alive. But...if I can’t stop it then I want people to know me for who I was on the inside. Not some nelly little queen. I deserve more! [SOBBING] One lousy line. That’s all I wanted. Phillip...don't let me die in some fucking hospital with all the others. I'm better than that.
PHILLIP
Ssh. Ssh. It's alright. [PAUSE] What do you want us to do?
DOUGIE
Just...take me home.
FADE TO BLACK
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
THREE FIGURES DRESSED IN BLACK ARE FACED UPSTAGE, THEIR HEADS BOWED.
THERE IS THE SOUND OF A CAR HORN. THEY TURN AROUND, PASSING A JOINT BACK AND
FORTH.
DANNY
Are you sure we should be doing this?
BARRY
Doing what?
DANNY
This. I mean, it is a cremation after all.
BARRY
So?
PHILLIP
So she thinks the only person smoking today should be Dougie.
GERALD RUNS ON STAGE DRESSED IN HIS AIRLINE UNIFORM. THE OTHERS LOOK AT
HIM.
DANNY
[TAKING A DRAG AND SPEAKING IN FALSETTO] Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
THEY SMOKE SOME MORE.
BARRY
Who cares? She's still just a witch.
GERALD
Am I too late?
BARRY
Yes, he's dead.
THE OTHERS LOOK AT BARRY.
GERALD
No, I mean, is the service over? I couldn't get a taxi. One of the busiest airports in the world and there's no fucking taxis when you want one.
BARRY
This is a funeral service. Watch your language. [BEAT] Arsehole.
PHILLIP
Not yet.
GERALD
Not yet, what?
PHILLIP
Not yet. The service hasn't started yet.
DANNY
Are we going out for a drink after?
BARRY
Sure, why not? Then perhaps dinner and we could take in a show.
DANNY
Putz.
PHILLIP
I think maybe a drink would be good.
DANNY
Good to see you're at least dressed for the occasion, Geraldine.
PHILLIP
Look, Dorothy's not going to care. Why should we?
BARRY
Ah. The motto for the nineties.
DANNY
Don't try to be deep, Beulah. You'll get crow's feet.
PHILLIP
Shit, I hate these things.
DANNY
You're not supposed to enjoy them, pet. Otherwise everyone would be doing it.
PHILLIP
I do it far too often.
BARRY
Has anyone spoken to the family?
PHILLIP
Who’s family?
BARRY
Dougie’s of course.
PHILLIP
He has a family?
DANNY
In spite of my theory about aliens, yes he did. I found their number in the back of his phone book. [THEY LOOK AT HIM] Well, I had to let them know didn’t I? They said they’d come up from Burnie for the funeral. I arranged for his brother to meet us at Dougie’s flat this morning.
PHILLIP
He had a brother?
BARRY
Two, apparently. They’re over there.
DANNY
Yeah but when I went to meet them they’d already been through the place and cleaned it out. Everything that wasn't nailed down they took. Seems they came down a day early and got a spare key from the real estate agent. Said they were the grieving family and they needed to collect some of his belongings.
PHILLIP
But he hasn't seen his family in over 12 years. From what I understood they threw him out.
BARRY
Very Tasmanian, I must say.
DANNY
The only thing they left were a pile of photos.
PHILLIP
Of what?
BARRY & DANNY
Us.
BARRY
Don’t worry. Nothing tacky. Just pictures of all of us over the last ten years dressed up or on the beach and stuff. They were gonna burn them.
PHILLIP
Cunts.
DANNY
Normally I would say that was politically incorrect but in this case...
PHILLIP
But...I loaned him my Madonna c.d's. They took them too?
DANNY
Read my lips, sweetie. They left dust.
GERALD
I thought he was gonna leave everything to us.
DANNY
That's what he said.
GERALD
So?
BARRY
So...scag-brain, he didn't leave a will, did he?!
GERALD
But...we could tell them that he was going to leave us some things, couldn't we?
BARRY
Oh, like they're gonna listen to us. They couldn't be bothered listening to their own son when he told them he was gay.
PHILLIP
I can't believe it. They didn't even bother to go see him in the hospital. We were his only family.
DANNY
Well, there was money involved so suddenly they had a son.
PHILLIP
Dumb bitch. Why didn't he leave a will? I mean, I didn't want anything of his, but...
BARRY
He didn't really have much that anyone wanted, anyway. His taste in furniture was almost as bad as yours.
PHILLIP
But at least it could've gone to some charity or something. I thought you were gonna help him write his will.
BARRY
Hey, don't start on me. You know what he was like. Didn't want to discuss it. Every time I brought it up he'd change the subject.
PHILLIP
So they've got everything?
DANNY
Yep.
PHILLIP
Do they know what he died of?
BARRY
Of course, but they don't want us to mention it. They asked us to say he died from cancer.
DANNY
If they could get away with saying he died of a stubbed toe they'd probably try that instead.
PHILLIP
Cunts.
BARRY
Stop saying that.
PHILLIP
Well, they’ve got what they want. What are they doing here, anyway?
DANNY
Probably waiting to steal the pennies off his eyes and check the corpse for jewellery.
BARRY
Look at them. They’re like vampires moving in to feed.
ALAN ENTERS.
GERALD
Maybe someone should go talk to them or something.
BARRY
Let me at them.
DANNY
I'll go. I think someone with a cool head might be appropriate at the moment.
DANNY WALKS OFF.
ALAN
What's going on?
PHILLIP
Dougie's family are here.
ALAN
He had family?
BARRY
That's them over there. The Widow Twankey and Bill and Ben. You know I think Danny was right. They do share the same eyebrow.
GERALD
So, what do we do now?
BARRY
We go in for the service.
PHILLIP
Where's Colin?
ALAN
He's not coming. He says he's not very good at these things.
BARRY
I don't blame him. If I had I choice I wouldn't be here either.
GERALD
Is this gonna be religious? I don't wanna go in if it's gonna be religious.
BARRY
It's a fucking funeral. Of course it's religious.
PHILLIP
Actually it's non-denominational.
GERALD
What's that mean?
PHILLIP
It means there's little formality, only minor references to God and the priest is probably gay.
GERALD
The priest is gay?
PHILLIP
It's a gay church. What were you expecting? An Indian holy man?
GERALD
I guess not.
ALAN
Does Dougie's family know it's a gay church?
BARRY
They will the minute Ted opens his mouth.
ALAN
Who's Ted?
BARRY
Father Ted. The priest. She puts an "s" in barbecue. By the way, Dougie's family...
ALAN
What about them?
PHILLIP
They cleaned out his apartment.
ALAN
You're kidding.
BARRY
Nope.
PHILLIP
Took everything.
ALAN
Cunts!
THEY ALL STAND STILL FOR JUST A MOMENT WATCHING THE FAMILY THEN START
YELLING OVER EACH OTHER AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS.
PHILLIP
Arseholes! You wouldn't know what family was if it came up and rooted you through the ear-holes!
ALAN
Scum-sucking vultures! Why don't you go suck the life out of someone else?!
GERALD
Fucking losers! Get a grip, you dogs!
BARRY
Why don't you crawl back under the rocks you came from?! You greasy Tasmanian cod fuckers!
PHILLIP
Fucking blood-sucking vampires!
ALAN
Get back in your Kombi van and wrap it around a telegraph pole, you cannibals!
BARRY
You pack of low life arse lickers! He wasn't your son!
ALAN
Some brothers you were. Where were you when he needed help?! Huh?
DANNY RE-ENTERS. THEY ALL STOP AND LOOK GUILTY.
DANNY
Thank you so much gentleman. I knew I could depend on you to restrain yourselves.
HE TURNS TOWARDS THE FAMILY AND YELLS.
DANNY
Arseholes!! [TO THE OTHERS] I go up to give my condolences and the mother looked at me like I'd just pissed in the punchbowl.
BARRY
What are we doing?
DANNY
Well, the family is sitting up in the front pews and we're allowed to sit behind.
PHILLIP
It's times like this I wish I'd brought my blowpipe.
ALAN
Or a heavy gauge shotgun
PHILLIP
You know, I keep thinking about Dougie.
ALAN
Understandable given the circumstances.
PHILLIP
I keep thinking maybe if we hadn't gone on that camping weekend then he wouldn't have come down with pneumonia. He might still be here.
DANNY
You can't blame yourself. It would've happened eventually, anyway, no matter where he was. At least we found out he wasn't well.
PHILLIP
What's so good about that? I don't want to know when people are dying. Why don't they just disappear or something? Beam me up Scotty and all that. That, I'd like. I don't want to see the walking dead either when I go out to bars. I know that's cruel but I don't need the reminders.
BARRY
Face it. We’ve all been through far too much for poor white trash.
PHILLIP
Ain’t it the truth.
BARRY
You know, this reminds me of a little joke.
PHILLIP
Oh, please.
DANNY
I hardly think this is the time.
BARRY
Hey, Dorothy would want it this way.
PHILLIP
How about we pull out a few nails and ask him.
DANNY
Well, go on and tell it then if it'll make you happy.
BARRY
I thought you'd never ask. There's these two queens, been together for years and one night they're humping their tits off when the one on top ups and has a heart attack. Dead in the bed. Well, at the service the undertaker comes up to the grieving widow and asks if he could have a word with him. Apparently they’re having a little problem bringing the body out because the deceased had died in a, how shall I say it, excited manner. So the undertaker wanted to know what was to be done. Well, quick as a flash the other queen asks for the offending member to be cut off and inserted in the deceased's rectum. The undertaker was quite taken aback at first but agreed to carry out the instructions. Well, when the widow walked past the open coffin there's poor old dead boyfriend lying in state with a small tear coming out of one eye. The queen leans down and says very quietly..."Fucking hurts, doesn't it!?"
THE OTHERS ARE DUMB-FOUNDED. NO ONE WANTS TO LAUGH BUT GRADUALLY THEY
ALL BREAK UP AND FALL ABOUT LAUGHING.
BARRY
Now I think we're ready to go in.
THEY EXIT OFF, STILL LAUGHING.
BLACKOUT
SCENE TWO
A COUNTRY AND WESTERN BAR DURING BOOT SCOOTING. MUSIC: RANDY TRAVIS SINGING "FOREVER AND EVER AMEN." GERALD ENTERS IN FLANNELETTE SHIRT, JEANS AND BOOTS, HOLDING A DRINK. HE KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO THE SONG. HE'S SMILING AT PEOPLE, TRYING TO LOOK LIKE HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME. PEOPLE ARE WALKING PAST HIM. HE SPOTS SOMEONE IN A DOUBLE TAKE AND LOOKS BACK AT THEM. HE IS CAUGHT OUT AND LOOKS EMBARRASSED. HE SMILES. HE SWITCHES IN TO CRUISE MODE. HE LIFTS HIS GLASS TO DRINK, MISSES HIS MOUTH AND SPILLS IT DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT. HE TRIES TO ACT COOL BUT ISN'T VERY SUCCESSFUL. HE KEEPS LOOKING IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS ADMIRER WHEN PHILLIP ENTERS, ALSO WEARING COUNTRY AND WESTERN GEAR. PHILLIP STARES AT HIM THEN LOOKS TO SEE WHO GERALD IS STARING AT THEN BACK TO GERALD. HE MOVES IN BETWEEN THEIR LINE OF VISION.
PHILLIP
Geraldine, you pervert. What are you staring at? As if I didn't know.
GERALD
Oh, nothing.
PHILLIP SLAPS HIM ON THE CHEST.
PHILLIP
Well, cut it out! Oh my god. You're all wet. Stop with the drool, okay?
GERALD
You see that guy over there?
PHILLIP
Who? The one with the moustache, cowboy hat and what looks like a five-pound tumour down the front of his jeans? Nope.
GERALD
He keeps staring at me. I think he wants me.
PHILLIP
For medical experiments, I hope.
PHILLIP PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND GERALD AND GOES TO KISS HIM
GERALD
[SHAKING HIM OFF] Stop it!
PHILLIP
[MIMICKING HIM] Oh stop it!
BARRY AND DANNY ENTER, DRESSED ALIKE.
PHILLIP
Oh my God. It's the Bobsy twins.
BARRY
[From "THE RITZ" in falsetto] I'm Duff. He's Tiger.
DANNY
Well, Phyllis, you've done it again. Another one of your brilliant suggestions. "Let's go dancing." I should have known what you meant.
PHILLIP
Oh, shut up. You love this stuff.
DANNY
No, I don't.
PHILLIP
Well I love it, so humour me.
DANNY
For all the days of our lives.
BARRY
For someone who hates this kind of thing it's amazing how you seem to know all the steps.
DANNY
It's the things I know best I hate the most.
PHILLIP
Where's Alan and Colin?
BARRY
Probably at home playing "happy families."
PHILLIP
Alan said he'd be here.
DANNY
Then he'll be here. Shut up.
GERALD
You think maybe I should go over and talk to him.
BARRY
Talk to who?
PHILLIP
She's got someone making goo-goo eyes at her.
BARRY
How? I mean, who?
PHILLIP
The big yee-ha in the hat.
DANNY
Forget it. He'll eat you alive for breakfast.
GERALD
That's what I'm counting on.
BARRY
Trash.
PHILLIP
Well, what are you waiting for? Go talk to him.
GERALD
I will. Just give me a second.
PHILLIP
And you call yourself a poofter.
GERALD
I don't call myself a poofter. I am a poofter. It's not like I took a course in it or anything.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.
BARRY
That was very good, Geraldine.
PHILLIP
Go on then, Gerald. Go batter your eyelashes at him or lick his boots or something.
GERALD
Okay. Let me know if I'm making a fool of myself.
HE GOES TO WALK AWAY.
DANNY
Geraldine?
HE COMES BACK.
GERALD
What?
DANNY
You're making a fool of yourself.
GERALD STARTS TO EXIT. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
ALL
Ge-ral-dine!!
HE STOPS FOR A MOMENT AND TURNS AROUND.
ALL
Work it baby, work it!
HE MOVES OFF. THEY ALL LAUGH. COLIN ENTERS ALONE.
COLIN
Hi, guys.
PHILLIP
Where's Alan?
COLIN
Oh, he wasn't feeling well so he decided to stay at home.
PHILLIP
What do you mean, wasn't feeling well?
COLIN
He wasn't feeling well.
PHILLIP
Well. shouldn't you be home with him?
COLIN
Hey, he doesn't need me taking care of him. Just because he's not feeling well doesn't mean I shouldn't go out, does it?
PHILLIP
No, but...
COLIN
He's a big boy.
DANNY TOUCHES PHILLIP ON THE ARM.
DANNY
Leave it.
PHILLIP IS PUZZLED BUT DECIDES NOT TO PURSUE IT.
COLIN
I might take a look around.
COLIN EXITS. THEY WATCH HIM GO.
DANNY
Is it just me or is he becoming a bit of a prick?
BARRY
You tell us. You're the expert.
PHILLIP
I'm gonna make a call.
BARRY
He'll be alright.
PHILLIP
I know that. I just want to make sure.
PHILLIP EXITS.
BARRY
Well, here we are.
DANNY
Yeah. Ain't life like that.
BARRY
You know you could try putting a little effort into it.
DANNY
What?
BARRY
You've been miserable all evening.
DANNY
No I haven't.
BARRY
But you don't want to be here.
DANNY
No, but I'm not miserable.
BARRY
I thought this would be fun. We haven't all been together since Dougie's funeral and that was six weeks ago. You used to enjoy this.
DANNY
We’re not all exactly together at the moment anyway, are we?
BARRY
Would it make you any happier if we started seeing a counsellor again?
DANNY
You mean like Bevan? Oh, please.
BARRY
No, not him. But someone.
DANNY
Look, I don't want to go back to Bevan or anyone else for that matter. I just want to be left alone. Okay?
PHILLIP ENTERS.
DANNY
Well?
PHILLIP
He's okay. Just a little tired, that's all. He's got a bit of a cold.
BARRY
I told you he'd be okay.
DANNY
You're such a Mother Theresa.
PHILLIP
It's true.
BARRY
Right down to the wrinkles and dress sense.
PHILLIP
[IN AN INDIAN ACCENT] I'll let that one slide on account of you're being a twat.
GERALD ENTERS.
DANNY
So what happened to you? Did he run screaming in the opposite direction as soon as he figured you couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time?
BARRY
Did he get the sight back in one eye?
GERALD
He's just gone to the loo, that's all.
PHILLIP
What's his name?
GERALD
Uh...Chris, I think.
ALL
Chrisss!
GERALD
He's an American.
PHILLIP
Figures. He'd have to be from out of town. You've just about had every man in the metropolitan area and then some.
GERALD
Well I think he's real cute.
DANNY
I'm sure he's everything you've ever wanted.
BARRY
For Geraldine that means he's got a dick and a pulse.
THE MUSIC CHANGES TO A “SLAP LEATHER” LINE
DANCE.
PHILLIP
C'mon. We know this one.
THEY RUSH INTO THE CENTRE OF THE FLOOR. THE DIALOGUE CONTINUES THROUGH
THE DANCE.
BARRY
[IMITATING ROD SERLING] "Open the door. You've just entered the testosterone zone."
PHILLIP
More like the oestrogen wing.
GERALD
I haven't done this in years.
DANNY
It shows. Move your fat arse, Beulah! You're moving like a bloody Tony Bartuccio dancer!
BARRY
One more crack like that and I'm gonna smack you in the mouth.
DANNY
The only thing smacking around here are your thighs.
PHILLIP
Will you two shut up? You're putting me off.
BARRY
Relax, Phyllis. It's not like you're having sex.
PHILLIP
Someone better refresh my memory. It's been so long since anyone's been down there I was thinking of putting some pot plants around it and making a feature of it.
DANNY
I think a dried arrangement would be more appropriate.
SUDDENLY THE DANCE BECOMES FAST AND THEY DON’T HAVE TIME TO TALK.
FINALLY IT FINISHES. THEY ALMOST COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR.
BARRY
Oh, fuck. I’m gonna have a heart attack.
DANNY
Stand back ladies. When she hits the ground it can leave marks.
THE NEXT PIECE OF MUSIC IS “WORKING”. IT IS DONE TO A TOOSH PUSH.
PHILLIP
Here we go. A nice slow one, girls.
BARRY
Hey, Geraldine, your boyfriend still hasn't come out of the loo yet. Think he's giving blowjobs for two a penny?
GERALD
Ha, ha.
BARRY
Men. Can't live with them, can't live with them.
DANNY
Nothing like fortune cookie philosophy.
BARRY
Of course when I say living with men I'm not speaking from experience.
DANNY
You're so funny. Has anyone ever mistaken you for something living?
PHILLIP
Well, you know what they say? When you're on a good thing, ground it to the floor.
GERALD
Who says that?
PHILLIP
I say that!
DANNY
Back in your box, bitch!
BARRY
Bevan used to say that our third eye is open but sometimes we keep the blinkers on.
DANNY
Fuck Bevan!
PHILLIP
She did.
DANNY
What?
THE MUSIC BECOMES LOUDER. THEY TRY TO SPEAK OVER IT.
PHILLIP
Oops.
BARRY
Thanks, Phyllis.
DANNY
What’s he talking about?
BARRY
Nothing. Let's just drop it.
PHILLIP
When I said "she did" I meant...
DANNY STOPS DANCING.
DANNY
You're sleeping with Bevan?
BARRY
No.
DANNY
Tell me the truth!
BARRY
Slept.
PHILLIP
It's past tense.
DANNY
Fuck off, Phyllis! When?
THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER STILL. BARRY, PHILLIP AND GERALD KEEP DANCING.
BARRY
A long time ago.
DANNY
When exactly a long time ago?
BARRY
At the same time you were sleeping with him. Maybe we should discuss this later.
DANNY
No fucking way! I don't believe this. You made such a big deal out of me having an affair, screaming about fidelity and all that crap when you'd already been there.
BARRY
Look, it's ancient history. Forget about.
DANNY
When were you gonna tell me? When I was in an old people's home?
BARRY
No, of course not.
DANNY
You lousy, two-faced, pile of shit! You're gone! You’re history. You are fucking Elvis!
HE PUNCHES BARRY IN THE STOMACH AND STORMS OFF. PHILLIP AND GERALD
CONTINUE DANCING.
PHILLIP
Keep’a dancing, Maria.
GERALD
I'm gonna go talk to the American.
GERALD DANCES OFF. BARRY PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER JUST AS THE CHORUS OF
"STAND BY YOUR MAN' PLAYS.
BARRY
Oh fuck off!
BLACKOUT
SCENE THREE
THE SAUNA. DANNY ENTERS DRESSED IN A TOWEL. HE LOOKS AROUND. PHILLIP ENTERS ALSO
WEARING A TOWEL AROUND HIS WAIST AND ONE ON HIS HEAD AS A TURBAN. HE PASSES A
PLASTIC CUP OF WATER TO DANNY.
DANNY
Thanks, honey. You're a doll.
PHILLIP
Don't be so butch and don't mention it.
DANNY FINALLY SEES WHAT HE IS WEARING ON HIS HEAD.
DANNY
Oh for God's sakes, take that off.
PHILLIP
What? You don't like?
DANNY
I don't like. How the hell am I supposed to get a root with you hanging around, looking like a queen?
PHILLIP TAKES THE TOWEL OFF HIS HEAD.
PHILLIP
Hey! Everybody's gotta look like something. For instance you're doing a good impression of a creep who's stepping out on his boyfriend.
DANNY
Boyfriend nothing! I’m moving out. Barry can go fuck himself. He loves playing the drama queen. You’ve got no idea. He carries on like Joan Of Arc but get him alone for ten seconds and he turns into Nurse Diesel. Well, I’ve had enough.
PHILLIP
And why the hell did you drag me here?
DANNY
Oh and you put up such a fight.
PHILLIP
I'm not so sure I approve. It seems every time some queen has a fight with his boyfriend one or both of them ends up in here for a little random sex. As if that's gonna cure all their ails. If I was the cynical type and I am I'd swear they were fighting just for the pleasure of sucking on somebody else's willy for a change.
DANNY
You have an evil way of looking at things, Phyllis and it hardly becomes you. Besides, I haven't had sex with Barry for months.
PHILLIP
Why not?
DANNY
Look, he doesn't turn me on anymore, okay? I'm sorry but he doesn't. It's like hula-hoops.
PHILLIP
What?
DANNY
Pretty soon the novelty wears off and you end up sticking them in the back of the garage to collect dust along with all your hopes and dreams and....
PHILLIP
Okay, okay. I get the idea but I think you're missing the point.
DANNY
I want some passion in my life, okay? I don’t get that with Barry. With him it’s all just routine.
PHILLIP
There's more to a relationship than just sex.
DANNY
Look, if you're trying to kill the mood...
PHILLIP
Forget I said anything. Well, I might mosey off down the track and do a few laps of honour. Catch you in the Helen Keller wing.
DANNY
What a horrible thought.
PHILLIP EXITS. DANNY STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT. SOMETHING
TAKES HIS INTEREST. HE SMILES AS THE FIGURE APPROACHES
HIM THEN THE SMILE DISAPPEARS AS THE PERSON WALKS COMPLETELY PAST HIM.
DANNY
Bastard. Oh well, he was probably a lousy lay anyway.
COLIN ENTERS ALSO DRESSED IN A TOWEL. BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER AT THE
SAME TIME THEN LOOK AWAY. DANNY IS UNSURE WHAT TO THINK. COLIN IS NERVOUS THAT
HE HAS BEEN CAUGHT OUT.
COLIN
Hi.
DANNY
Colin? What are you doing here?
COLIN
The same as you, I guess.
DANNY
Where's Alan?
COLIN
At home.
DANNY
So why are you here?
COLIN
Hey, look, Alan knows I go out.
DANNY
Here?
COLIN
Well, maybe not here but...
DANNY
You seem to be going solo quite a bit lately.
COLIN
Alan and I understand each other.
DANNY
Well I’m glad someone does.
COLIN
I didn't expect to see you here.
DANNY
Obviously.
COLIN
Oh, don't get me wrong or anything. I'm not bothered.
DANNY
Funny. It bothers the shit out of me.
COLIN
Is Barry with you?
DANNY
Er...No.
COLIN
That's good.
DANNY
What?
COLIN
I mean, you two don't exactly suit each other.
DANNY
And I'll bet you're a rocket scientist as well. Right?
COLIN
What?
DANNY
Nothing.
COLIN
Been here long?
DANNY
Just got here.
COLIN
That's good.
DANNY
Why?
COLIN
Well, you know...
DANNY
Maybe I don't.
COLIN
If you want we could get a room.
DANNY
For what?
COLIN
You know.
COLIN STARTS TO LEAN IN TO HIM TO KISS HIM. DANNY STOPS HIM.
DANNY
Whoa! Wait a minute. What do you think you're doing?
COLIN
I just thought you might like....
DANNY
Well you thought wrong.
COLIN
I'm sorry. I must've misread the signs.
DANNY
There weren't any signs to begin with. You're Alan's lover.
COLIN
Who says?
DANNY
Well, you do. You and Alan. The rest of the world.
COLIN
Well, then the rest of the world is wrong. I never said I was Alan's lover.
DANNY
Then perhaps you better tell Alan.
COLIN
What’s the point? He spends all his time pushing me away. [PAUSE] Hey, I thought you and I got along alright. I know we disagree about a few things but I like having someone to argue with. It makes me feel alive. You don’t get that with Alan. He's like a...like a wet fish. I want someone with a bit more...fire.
DANNY
Then maybe you should try telling him that rather than me. I'm sure he'd appreciate it.
COLIN
He doesn't hear me. I want someone who listens to me. [PAUSE] That's why I like you.
DANNY
Yes, well, obviously I'm giving off the wrong signals.
COLIN
I'm not so sure about that.
DANNY
Listen...
COLIN
You know, I've always thought you were really cute.
DANNY
What?
COLIN
Sure. That first night I met you I thought you were really good looking.
DANNY
Maybe you're exaggerating a little. I think Alan's a lot better looking than me.
COLIN STARTS LEANING IN TO HIM.
COLIN
But you've got a lot more going for you.
DANNY
Yeah?
COLIN
Uh-huh. You know, you've got a pretty good body.
DANNY
Fuck it's getting hot in here.
COLIN
I bet not many people have told you that, have they?
DANNY
Well, actually it hasn't been that bad.
COLIN
I reckon they'd be a bit jealous.
DANNY
Maybe.
COLIN
Maybe nothing. That's why I could never understand about you and Barry. I mean, look at him. He's nothing. He's old and fat.
DANNY
You've got to get to know him...
COLIN STARTS BREATHING IN TO DANNY’S EAR.
COLIN
I think you could do better. Maybe someone a bit younger.
DANNY
Wait! [PAUSE] What are you doing?
COLIN
What I thought you wanted me to do.
HE PUSHES COLIN AWAY.
DANNY
Well, you thought wrong. [PAUSE] Oh, God. What are you? Some kind of...of sociopath or something? If this is what you're like when you have a lover then how long it would be before you did the same thing to me.
COLIN
Don't be ridiculous.
DANNY
No!
COLIN
Fine.
DANNY
I can see you.
COLIN
Danny, I...
DANNY
No! I can see you. I gotta go.
COLIN
Listen, you won't say anything to Alan, will you?
DANNY LOOKS AT HIM AND SHAKES HIS HEAD IN BEWILDERMENT THEN EXITS. COLIN SMILES.
BLACKOUT
SCENE FOUR
GERALD STANDS IN A PARK. HE IS DOING THE BEAT. A DARK FIGURE APPROACHES
HIM, GROPES HIM FOR A MOMENT THEN MOVES ON.
GERALD
Was it good for me? Maybe next time you can tell me you love me, dickhead!
FOUR DARK FIGURES ENTER. GERALD LOOKS AT THEM THEN STARTS TO MOVE AWAY
BUT TWO OF THE MEN MOVE AROUND TO CUT HIM OFF. ONE PICKS UP A
SMALL TREE BRANCH.
MAN 1
Where ya' going, poofter?
GERALD
Let me go.
MAN 4
We're not stopping you going anywhere.
GERALD TRIES TO MAKE A MOVE BUT THEY PUSH HIM BACK.
MAN 2
Fuck. I don't believe this. Look at the faggot.
MAN 1
What ya' doing hanging around here, poofter? Looking for little boys?
MAN 4
What a creep!
MAN 3
A real cocksucker. You wanna suck my cock, poofter?
GERALD
Maybe after your friends finish but I wouldn't count on it.
MAN 3
What did you fucking say, cunt?!
GERALD
I said ladies before gentlemen.
MAN 2
Bet you love taking it up the arse, don't ya', faggot?
GERALD
Not as much as you, obviously. Isn't that how you got that stupid look on your face?
GERALD LUNGES FORWARD AND KNEES MAN 1 IN THE GROIN. HE
REELS BACK AS THE OTHERS ALL JUMP ON GERALD. HE STARTS SCREAMING AS THEY LAY
INTO HIM.
MAN 1
Let's see how much he likes this up his arse! Rip his trousers off!
MAN 1 MOVES TOWARDS HIM WITH THE TREE BRANCH AS THE LIGHTS FADE. GERALD
IS SCREAMING.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE FIVE
THE ACTION OF THIS SCENE TAKES PLACE IN VARIOUS SMALL SCENARIOS. BARRY
AND DANNY FACE EACH OTHER.
DANNY
I don't know why you asked me over here. We've got nothing to say to each other.
BARRY
Yes we have.
DANNY
Okay, then. I've got nothing to say to you. You've made up your mind so say what you want. You always do.
BARRY
This is not what I want!
DANNY
Bullshit! It’s what you live for.
BARRY
I want you to come home.
DANNY
You have got to be kidding.
BARRY
Things have been really shithouse lately.
LIGHTS FADE AND COME UP ON ALAN AND PHILLIP.
PHILLIP
He’s moving out?
ALAN
Yeah.
PHILLIP
Why? I thought you were getting on okay.
ALAN
We were. I just don’t want to talk about it.
PHILLIP
Why is he moving out?
ALAN
Because...because I asked him to. Let’s leave it at that.
LIGHTS FADE AND COME UP ON BARRY & DANNY.
BARRY
I'm too old for all this shit.
DANNY
I can't live with a drama queen.
BARRY
I am not a drama queen.
DANNY
I'm not coming back. I'm moving back to my parents for a while.
BARRY
Aren't you a little old to be running back to mother? Why don't you just buy a station wagon and throw in the towel completely.
DANNY
You see? That's the sort of smart-arsed remark I’d expect from you.
BARRY
So you're gonna leave because of that?
DANNY
I need to be settled.
BARRY
And what were you doing the seven years you lived with me? Just killing time?
DANNY
When are you gonna get it through your thick skull? I can’t do this anymore!
LIGHTS FADE AND COME UP ON ALAN & PHILLIP
ALAN
I didn’t lead him on.
PHILLIP
Bullshit. You've had him following you around like a puppy for the last eighteen months.
ALAN
You don't know what you're talking about.
PHILLIP
Oh, of course I don't.
ALAN
It wasn't like that at all.
PHILLIP
No?
ALAN
No! He’s just not the person I thought he was, that’s all.
LIGHTS FADE AND COME UP ON BARRY & DANNY
BARRY
And when are you gonna stop running?
DANNY
When I'm done.
BARRY
Danny...don't leave me.
DANNY
Barry, I'm not going to leave you. I've already left.
A SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON GERALD, HIS FACE IS
CUT AND COVERED IN BLOOD. HIS EYES BLACKENED. HE STAGGERS SLIGHTLY TOWARDS
BARRY AND DANNY.
GERALD
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
LIGHTS FADE AS BARRY AND DANNY CARRY GERALD OUT AND COME UP ON ALAN AND
PHILLIP.
PHILLIP
Then kindly explain because it's just a little beyond my comprehension.
ALAN
I...let's just drop it. This isn't the right....
PHILLIP
Oh, no. You don't get out of it that easily. I'm not Colin. Michael's been dead two years now. Don't you think the grieving martyr act is getting just a little stale?
ALAN
What makes you think this is about Michael?
PHILLIP
You don’t have to be a genius to work it out. It's textbook stuff. I know exactly what you're going through. What's the matter? Scared?
ALAN
Oh, fuck off.
PHILLIP
Sure. Run away. Go off and hide so no one can touch you. I can't believe I used to stick up for you. You're a fucking coward, Alan. You've never had the guts to see anything through.
ALAN
That's not fucking true.
PHILLIP
Then stay with him?
ALAN
I can't. I’m...scared.
PHILLIP
You think you're the only one? We all are. But you're walking around like you're dead. You're not! Michael's dead. Lesley, Dougie and everyone else we got attached to in the last ten years. You're still alive so don't tell me you're scared to be with someone. How many of us get that choice?
ALAN
Why are you talking like this?
PHILLIP
I'm tired, okay!? All I ever seem to do is spend my life supporting my friends. Everyone always runs to Phillip like I've got all the answers. What do I get out of it? Nothing! I get to visit a lot of graveyards. Well, not anymore. I'm not doing it. It’s like Dougie said. This is not the kind of movie I wanna be in.
ALAN
Phillip. I'm not well.
PHILLIP
What are you talking about? You're fine.
ALAN STANDS LOOKING AT HIM FOR A MOMENT. HE THEN TURNS AROUND AND LIFTS THE BACK OF HIS SHIRT. THERE ARE LARGE K.S. SCARS ACROSS HIS BACK. HE DROPS HIS SHIRT.
PHILLIP
You don’t...what?
PHILLIP IS DUMBFOUNDED.
ALAN
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.
PHILLIP
Why didn't...
ALAN
Because it's like you said. You don't want to know about it, remember. "Why don't they just disappear. Beam me up Scotty and all that." You saw what it was like with Michael. I couldn’t put Colin through that.
PHILLIP GRABS HIM BY THE ARMS AND STARTS SHAKING HIM.
PHILLIP
[SCREAMING] You fucking bastard! You can't do this to me. You just can't go off and leave me like this. You’re my best friend. You can't get sick. I can take other people but not you. I'm sorry Alan. I can't be around for that. I'm sorry.
ALAN
Phillip....
PHILLIP
No!!
PHILLIP PUSHES HIM AWAY AND RUNS OFF.
BLACKOUT
SCENE SIX
COLIN ENTERS, BUTTONING UP HIS SHIRT FOLLOWED BY ALAN TAKING OFF HIS
JACKET. COLIN LOOKS SLIGHTLY NERVOUS. ALAN IS SLIGHTLY GROGGY.
ALAN
Sorry. Did I wake you? It's the middle of the afternoon.
COLIN
I was just having a nap. I've got to work later tonight.
ALAN
Right. I...Uh...just thought I'd pop over to see if you want to come to the hospital to see Gerald.
COLIN
Uh, no. You know those kind of things make me feel uncomfortable. Hospitals and things.
ALAN
But this is Gerald.
COLIN
Sorry.
ALAN
Sure. Okay. So, how are you going? Living here with Barry, I mean. Is it okay?
COLIN
Sure. It's okay.
ALAN GOES TO TOUCH HIM. COLIN PULLS AWAY.
COLIN
Sorry. I'm just a little tired. I really have to get some sleep. I've got a late shift and...
ALAN
Of course. I understand. I’ll call you tomorrow?
COLIN
I’m gonna be quite busy for the next couple of weeks so...
ALAN
Oh...sure. That’s cool. I’ll talk to you some time.
ALAN STAGGERS OFF. COLIN TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF AND GOES BACK TO THE
BEDROOM.
SCENE SEVEN
PHILLIP FACES BARRY. GERALD SITS IN A WHEELCHAIR LOOKING OUT THROUGH A
WINDOW.
BARRY
There’s a rip in his lower bowel and they're watching to make sure no infection sets in. He's also got a few stitches, two broken ribs and he's a bit bruised but he'll be alright. I suppose we should be grateful someone heard him screaming or it could have been a lot worse.
PHILLIP
Could've been worse? Jesus, how?
BARRY
Phillip, he's alive.
PHILLIP
Yeah.
BARRY
We tried to call you but no-one knew where you were. Where have you been the past three days?
PHILLIP
I had some things to think about. If I'd known I would've come straight back.
HE STARTS TO SOB. BARRY HUGS HIM.
BARRY
Phillip, we're not responsible for each other.
PHILLIP
I know.
BARRY
You better go talk to him.
PHILLIP
Okay. Is Danny with you?
A LONG PAUSE. BARRY TRIES TO SMILE.
BARRY
No, he's not.
PHILLIP UNDERSTANDS AND SQUEEZES BARRY'S ARM.
PHILLIP
"These are the days of our lives." C'mon.
THEY BOTH WALK OVER TOWARDS GERALD.
PHILLIP
Hey, stud.
GERALD
Hi, Phillip.
PHILLIP CROUCHES DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM AND HOLDS HIS HANDS.
PHILLIP
How ya' doin'?
GERALD
I've been better.
PHILLIP
And looked it, I'm sure.
GERALD
They tell me I've got to wear this bag for a couple of days.
PHILLIP
Oh really? With matching...
BARRY
Don't bother.
GERALD
I've heard it from every queen in the place.
PHILLIP
Yes, well, some queens are so predictable.
GERALD
Okay, tell me. [From THE RITZ] "No. Is okay. I can take it. Tell me I look like chit."
PHILLIP
You look like chit.
PHILLIP TUSSLES HIS HAIR.
GERALD
Soften the blow, why don't ya. You know, I don't remember very much about the other night.
PHILLIP
Let’s not talk about that, okay?
GERALD
Oh, I don't mind. I mean, I've already told the police I don't remember what the creeps looked like.
BARRY
Geraldine, tell Aunt Phyllis about your dream.
PHILLIP
Dream?
GERALD
Yeah. It must've been after I blacked out. I dreamt we were all back at that place where we went camping two years ago. Only this time everyone was there. Michael, Lesley, all of us. I remember we went swimming. It was night time and we were all in the water. I wanted to swim out further only it got too deep and I started to sink. I could hear everyone calling out to me but I couldn't stop myself from going under. [PAUSE] Those guys the other night? I really thought I was gonna die there, Phillip. They wanted to kill me. I was so scared. When you're close to being dead everyone says they start to go towards a real bright light. I was waiting for it to happen but it didn't come. It was still just the dark water of that river all around me. Then I saw a hand.
PHILLIP
A hand?
GERALD
It was Dougie.
PHILLIP
What?
GERALD
Yeah. He was reaching out for me and he dragged me towards the bank. He was like a guardian angel. Spooky, huh? I mean, I thought he hated me but I guess he must've really liked me.
BARRY
"He liked me. He really liked me."
PHILLIP
I'm sure he did.
GERALD
And maybe he's still there looking out for me.
BARRY
It's her penance for being such a little bitch in real life. Now we're all gonna be haunted by Saint Dorothy the Drag Queen.
PHILLIP
Beulah, don't be such a pain in the arse. [LOOKS AT GERALD] If you'll pardon the expression.
BLACKOUT
SCENE EIGHT
MUSIC IS HEARD FAINTLY IN THE DISTANCE. A SMALL SPOT COMES UP ON ALAN. HE SWAYS TO AND FRO. HE STOPS AND TAKES A SMALL BOTTLE OF PILLS FROM HIS POCKET. THE LIGHT ON HIM BECOMES BRIGHTER AS HE LOOKS SKYWARD TO THE SOUND OF BATWINGS OVERHEAD.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE NINE
PHILLIP ENTERS. COLIN ENTERS AT THE SAME TIME AND ALMOST RUNS INTO HIM.
PHILLIP
Colin.
COLIN
Oh, Phillip. I wasn't expecting to see you here.
PHILLIP
I know. I wasn't really expecting to see you here either. Where’s Alan?
COLIN
He’s in the hospital.
PHILLIP
What happened?
COLIN
He took an overdose of sleeping tablets.
PHILLIP
What? Why would he do that?
COLIN
How should I know? You’re such good friends. You tell me.
PHILLIP
Is he alright?
COLIN
Go to the hospital and see for yourself.
PHILLIP IS ABOUT TO LEAVE THEN STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND.
PHILLIP
Where are all of Alan’s things?
COLIN
Gone.
PHILLIP
Gone?
COLIN
I've sold everything.
PHILLIP
What?!
COLIN
Well, nearly everything. There's a few things. Books, photo albums. I don't think they'd be worth anything. I was gonna throw them out but...
PHILLIP
Does Alan know?
COLIN
I don’t think Alan’s gonna care one way or the other. He always said if anything happened to him I could help myself.
PHILLIP
I think that’s when you were both together. When you still loved him.
COLIN
Hey! He threw me out! [HE COMPOSES HIMSELF AFTER THIS OUTBURST.]
PHILLIP
What’s happened to you?
COLIN
And I never said I loved him.
PHILLIP
Then you had me fooled.
COLIN
People believe what they want.
PHILLIP
And Alan?
COLIN
I let him hear what he wanted to hear.
PHILLIP
So what was all this "I really like him" shit? An act?
COLIN
I’m not as stupid as you all think. I've been around.
DANNY ENTERS, UNSEEN BY COLIN.
PHILLIP
I'll bet you have. So everything you've said has been to get something out of someone. Doesn't that bother you?
COLIN
Not always.
PHILLIP
Oh, Jesus. You're fucking mercenary.
COLIN
You do what you gotta do. I’m going.
PHILLIP
Who are you? I don't think I know you at all.
COLIN
That's your problem.
PHILLIP
No, wait. I don't buy it.
COLIN
Oh, please.
PHILLIP
You know what? I think the only person you've conned is yourself.
COLIN
I don't think so.
PHILLIP
I think maybe for a time you really did love him...
COLIN
What are you...
PHILLIP
Is that why you're running away so fast?
COLIN IS SHAKEN FOR A MOMENT. PAUSE.
PHILLIP
It's all gonna come back to you, Colin, you know that. Maybe not now but it’s gonna happen.
COLIN
Spare me.
PHILLIP
I could call the police.
COLIN
And do what? Tackle me to the floor? I don't think so. Bye Phillip.
COLIN TURNS TO EXIT AND RUNS STRAIGHT INTO DANNY WHO PUNCHES HIM
VIOLENTLY IN THE ABDOMEN. COLIN DOUBLES BACK; WINDED FOR A MOMENT THEN STANDS
ERECT. HE SMILES AT DANNY THEN AT PHILLIP AND EXITS.
PHILLIP
I...don't understand.
DANNY
Phillip?
PHILLIP
Er...yeah...sorry. I'm okay. How's..?
DANNY
Phillip...Alan just died.
PHILLIP
What?
DANNY
About 40 minutes ago. They couldn’t save him. We tried to call you but no-one knew where you were.
PHILLIP IS IN SHOCK FOR A MOMENT.
PHILLIP
Oh, Christ. Oh, shit. This can't be right. This is a fucking nightmare. Oh, dear God.
PHILLIP SINKS TO THE FLOOR. DANNY MOVES AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIM.
DANNY
I know, I know.
PHILLIP
Oh Christ. This isn’t happening. Look at me. Now I'm doing fucking Shirley Maclaine all over the place. Danny, I wanted to talk to him. Tell him I was sorry. He should've hung in there. I would’ve been there for him. I didn't mean what I said. I was scared. I just didn't want to go through it again. I've seen too many people die and it's not nice or anything. They don't go to sleep. It’s always messy; pain, groaning and stuff like that. I couldn't go through that with him. He's my best friend.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE TEN
GERALD & PHILLIP SIT ON A BENCH.
PHILLIP
What's the matter?
GERALD
I'm leaving. I asked for a transfer to the states. That guy? That Christopher? He's asked me to live with him.
PHILLIP
What is it with all these queens wanting to set up happy families. No-one ever wants to live with me. I guess there's a message in that although for the life of me I can't think what. So...is it a genuine offer? From this American palooka? I didn't know it was that serious.
GERALD
Well it is.
PHILLIP
Does he know about what happened to you?
GERALD
Not yet.
PHILLIP
You will tell him though?
GERALD
Eventually, yeah.
PHILLIP
And you're leaving?
GERALD
Yeah. Well, look at me. I'm a 39 year old airline steward, for Christ's sakes. Pretty soon I'm gonna need help pushing a trolley up and down the aisle. I wonder what happens to old trolley dollies. I mean, you never see them, do you? They're kinda like baby pigeons. Maybe there's like an old 747 always flying around the world full of old stewards asking each other if they want coffee.
PHILLIP
You may be right.
GERALD
Do you think I’m being stupid? About leaving?
PHILLIP
Do you?
GERALD
Not really. You know, for the first time in my life I think maybe I’m doing something right. [PAUSE] I do love him, you know. I know that's sounds stupid. I mean, I’ve only known him a couple of months. But he phones me every night and I can't wait to talk to him. People always treat me like a joke but Christopher is the only person I know who doesn't sit back while I make a fool of myself. He joins in. We’ve got heaps in common. We laugh at all the same lines in Young Frankenstein no matter how many times we see it. He makes me feel important. And I miss him all the time. He says he feels the same way. I don't know. Is that love? I've never had it before.
PHILLIP
Oh crap.
GERALD
Nah. Never even came close. Everyone I've been with is always looking for Mr Right but most times they'll settle for Mr Right Away. They want a root. Not romance.
PHILLIP
And how does Christopher feel about you?
GERALD
He says he wants to climb mountains with me. I wasn't sure what that meant. Is that good?
PHILLIP
[SMILING] It's good.
GERALD
I’m glad. I thought he might want to push me off one. Are you okay?
PHILLIP
Yeah, sure. So what are you waiting around for? Go! Go! You've got lots of packing to do. All those hat boxes.
GERALD
I'm not going right this minute. I’ve still got a few things to do.
PHILLIP
[TO HIMSELF] Things to do.
GERALD
But I just wanted to tell you. You know...see if I'm doing the right thing.
PHILLIP
You're doing the right thing. How many of us get that chance?
GERALD
Thanks Phillip.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AWKWARDLY FOR A MOMENT. PHILLIP PULLS GERALD TO
HIM AND HUGS HIM TIGHT.
PHILLIP
You take care of yourself, you big lug.
GERALD
I will. Don't worry. I'll be back occasionally. Just not so often.
PHILLIP LETS HIM GO. GERALD GETS UP AND STARTS TO EXIT. HE STOPS AND
TURNS TO PHILLIP.
GERALD
Bye Phillip...and thanks.
PHILLIP
Bye.
GERALD EXITS. PHILLIP STANDS AND LOOKS OFF.
PHILLIP
Things to do.
THE LIGHTS CHANGE. FAINTLY THE MUSIC TO “GO
WEST’ CAN BE HEARD.
SCENE
ELEVEN
PHILLIP STANDS IN THE FOREST CLEARING WITH THE CANISTER AS IN THE FIRST
SCENE.
PHILLIP
Well, girlfriend, take a good look. I remember how much you liked this place. Remember the first time we came here? The whole lot of us. Jesus what a time. [HE PLACES THE CANISTER DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM.] Okay Dorothy, here we go. I guess this place is as good as any. I suppose this will make a nice change from my mantelpiece anyway. And at least it won't be crowded here. With all the ashes thrown off Sydney heads the last few years they might have to start dredging soon. And I don't want you hovering around me for the rest of my life. You've got the whole of Paradise to haunt. Don't opt for my new Ikea wardrobe.
HE SITS DOWN ON A TREE STUMP.
PHILLIP
I'm kinda sorry I dragged us all here now. That's when everything started going down hill. [PAUSE] God, it's pathetic. Look at me. Standing around, talking to a drag queen in a can. Where is everybody? Everyone I know has disappeared. Danny’s gone walkabout through Europe, Geraldine’s off with her American palooka and I’m stuck with Beulah crying as she works her way through my drinks cabinet. I’ve said goodbye to too many good people. You, Michael, Leslie and...Alan. All dead. “I know a lot of dead people”...and one of them is me. [BEAT] Fuck. I’m so angry. I’m so angry I'd like to punch the shit out of someone. All I ever seem to do is watch people leave. Why do people keep leaving me? Why doesn't anyone stick around? No! This isn’t right. It isn’t the way it's supposed to be! I don't think I can handle this anymore. I just...don't think I've got enough inside to get through this. I just wanna drink myself into oblivion and out of this whole fucking mess then wake up and find it's all been one huge b-grade dream. That's what I want. And I want my friends back!
DOUGIE ENTERS
DOUGIE
Who the hell are you talking to?
PHILLIP LOOKS UP.
PHILLIP
Oh shit.
DOUGIE
I know. It's a bit Les Mis, isn't it? But what can you do? Once a show queen...I know I should be in white but we're on a budget. [POINTING AT THE CANISTER] That’s not me, is it? Funny, I always thought of myself as a much taller man.
PHILLIP
I don't believe this. This isn't....
DOUGIE
What? This isn’t happening? This isn't your movie? Sorry to disappoint. Oh, if it makes it any easier you can pretend I'm just your conscience. Coming to you live and direct from inside your head.
PHILLIP
That’s nice to know. Now why are you annoying me?
DOUGIE
I give up. You tell me.
PHILLIP
Oh don’t get deep, Dorothy.
DOUGIE
Maybe I’m the Ghost of Christmas’ Past.
PHILLIP
Maybe I should get pissed and watch you disappear.
DOUGIE
Maybe. Are you okay?
PHILLIP
Do I look okay? I’m in the middle of the jungle talking to a dead drag queen.
DOUGIE
There are worse things you could be doing.
PHILLIP LOOKS AT HIM.
DOUGIE
Okay. Maybe not.
PHILLIP
So go away.
DOUGIE
I can’t.
PHILLIP
Why not?
DOUGIE
I think I’m supposed to do something here but for the life of me I can’t think what. Oh, don't worry. I’m not some ghost or cosmic vision, Angels In America type thing here to serve up some great wisdom or anything. Being dead doesn't make you any smarter. Believe me, if I was smart I wouldn't be dead.
PHILLIP
Dorothy.
DOUGIE
Don’t rush me. I’m sure it’ll come to me.
PAUSE
DOUGIE
Nope. Zip. Oh well. What’s’a matter? You don’t look happy.
PHILLIP
I’ll bet you’re a brain surgeon and all.
DOUGIE
Don’t be mean. What’s the problem?
PHILLIP
Oh...just everything. My life.
DOUGIE
Maybe it’s all catching up on you.
PHILLIP
What?
DOUGIE
Life. All those years you thought you could ride it out as long as you refused to deal with it. If you kept moving it couldn’t touch you.
PHILLIP
What are you talking about?
DOUGIE
Don’t interrupt. I think I’m on a roll. You think just being alive guarantees you a good time?
PHILLIP
I didn’t say...
DOUGIE
You think you’ve suffered?
PHILLIP
I know I haven’t. Well, not as much as some but there was a time when I knew what was going on in my life. I had my friends around me. There was some kind of order. I was some use to people.
DOUGIE
You were bossy.
PHILLIP
I was bossy. Now they’ve all gone I’m just the sad and single uncle at the wedding. No impact.
DOUGIE
Ah, that’s it. You know, a great man once said “We live through the lives we touch.”
PHILLIP
Let me guess. You, right?
DOUGIE
You were never really bright, were you?
PHILLIP
Now everything I do is there to remind me of what’s missing. I don't need to see ribbons to remind me my friends are dropping dead. I don't need to watch plays and films and laugh or cry at how outrageous or sad or how brave we all are. I don’t want to think about volunteer caring and rainbow flags and funerals and candlelight rallies. I want it all to be over. It feels like I’m running down a dark alley or something being stalked by some...some kind of vampire. Sucking the life out of me. Taking all my friends one by one.
DOUGIE
There are vampires all over the place. Not just in some disease. Life’s full of vampires. Every crappy thing that happens to you is a vampire. Waiting to take a little more of what’s inside. But you’re missing the point.
PHILLIP
Which is?
ALAN ENTERS.
ALAN
You fight them off. You hold on.
PHILLIP
Alan?
ALAN
Phillip.
PHILLIP
I....I'm so sorry.
ALAN
It's okay.
PHILLIP
No, it’s not. I deserted you. All this time I was the coward. Not you. Why didn’t you hang in there? I would’ve stayed with you.
ALAN
Phillip, not everyone’s a fighter like you. We don’t all have your strength.
PHILLIP
But now...I just can't see anything for me anymore. It's all grey.
ALAN
Things get clearer with time.
PHILLIP
And until then?
ALAN
Until then you make do.
DOUGIE
You hang on. Phyllis, you were always tougher than any of us anyway. Maybe you didn't see it the way we did because you were always too busy flapping around.
ALAN
But for the rest of your life you’ll remember. Six friends who had some great times together.
BARRY, GERALD AND DANNY ENTER.
DOUGIE
We're always gonna be here. We haven't really gone anywhere.
ALAN
You'll see us in everything. The pictures in an album.
DOUGIE
The stories you'll tell new friends.
ALAN
You’ll get through this and a whole lot more and see the journey through.
ALAN APPROACHES HIM. HE TOUCHES HIS OWN CHEST.
ALAN
[From ET] Ouch?
PHILLIP
[POINTING TO HIS HEART] Ouch.
DOUGIE
You see, death isn't the worst that can happen. Just the most.
ALAN
The strong always survive. If only in memories. It's what makes us who we are. The strongest love, the surest spirit and the best heart...the best heart always survives.
PHILLIP
Always?
ALAN
Always.
BLACKOUT.